CPTSD and The Aversion to Decent People Who Treat You Well
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- Опубліковано 17 жов 2022
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People who grew up in dysfunctional, neglectful families often find themselves attached to people who are LESS functional than themselves, and uncomfortable around people who are kind, decent, and living their lives well. Given that friends and associates are an important factor in how our own lives turn out, why would we sabotage ourselves like that? In this video, I respond to a commenter with an interesting suggestion WHY good people feel "wrong" for us.
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This maps onto your Cablight theory. It’s emotionally easier to attract and connect with other broken people who by definition are not capable of showing up and being emotionally present. This new perspective adds the dynamic that “assertive people with strong morals” are fundamentally intimidating to abuse victims, because their strength shines a light on the deficiencies in the abuse victim’s upbringing and home experience.
Ouch. Yep. I definitely experienced this with feeling so shamed by how “deficient” I was compared to other healthy people my age who are much farther along than I am because they didn’t have a crappy childhood.
Thank you for your synopsis. It was very helpful.
Very well said!
Yes! Exactly!! The story of my life for decades….I’m going to change this bologna
This is true most of the time, but the only people that have shown up for me emotionally have been very damaged people deemed by society to be incapable of having strong morals or values. Occasionally, there is a sort of soldier mentality though, like we cant let eachother fall on the battle field or something. A heroin addicted drug dealer sacrificed making money off of me and insisted I go to treatment. How many doctors or upstanding members of society would put doing the right thing above the GTA? I don't know any. Some of the worst people I've come into contact with the past few years are believed to be these wonderful citizens...
The nicest boyfriend I've ever had, and probably the closest I've ever felt to being completely understood by anyone was a gangster, car stealing , drug slanging, burglar turned prison inmate. He had such a good impact on me, and his support lead to no doubt the healthiest years of my life. I experienced my first bout of emotional and physical sobriety, I lost 100 pounds, I learned to really respect and love myself. I didn't make it easy, either. I had no idea how to be loved. I pushed him away, but he didn't give up. We both fell under the immense pressures society puts on us though. I gained all the weight back after having all my hard work and successful change amount to nothing. It was a lot harder to lose after knowing how good it feels to be free and thriving. It was more than I could take thi to time.
The prison system is horrifically unfair and exploitative. They set him up to fail over and over. They punish him for being a natural leader and a charming and gregarious man. I wonder what great things he would have done if he had not been adopted by nice abusive upstanding citizens at 14 months old and kept from his birth mother who had been reluctant to give him up, regretting it her whole life up until she died very young of cancer. He didnt get to see her as planned because his ex had him thrown in jail. She stalks me still! She's nuts.
Anyhow, I think it's weird people get more time in prison for stealing a car than they do for SA of a child (if any...if you're garbage people, people can do whatever they want to your kids without consequence). A car can be replaced. You can't buy a new soul though
When you are abused & neglected and female, you become empowered by the attention of boys. It felt so good to be desired & given attention. As I reflect on my adolescence I understand that I was such an easy target for predators. No one was watching out for my vulnerable little self.
That was my experience as well. Now, as an adult, I have a lot of resentment & anger towards relatives who witnessed how I was raised and did not intervene or event question it.
Yep. It never occurred to me that I could say no, or have a choice in who I dated, or be creeped out by being objectified. Because I was just so desperate for validation. Male attention was like a drug for me that got me high and made me finally feel like I wasn’t a POS. That’s a very dangerous set up.
Same
When you are abused & neglected and male you are invisible to girls. Nothing much else to the story.
I didn’t bring friends home because my father beat me in front of them because he didn’t want me bringing friends over. That worked!
But I once went to a girls home in very rural Kentucky, that was a literally a shack: one room, curtains masking beds, drafty, and at most 500 square feet for 4 people.
Yet she was so proud. Proud of her home. Proud of her parents: Just simple country people getting by honestly but on little. Noble.
There was palatable love in that home. I felt it at the time.
She was proud of the love her parents had for each other and for their children, though they were poor as dirt.
I will never forget thinking: “I wish I had grown up here.”
There is poverty of means, and there is poverty of love.
I love this channel, and everyone here. It’s real. Thank you all.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for sharing this story 🙏 I hope you found your home with love.
" There's poverty of means and there's poverty of love... " That is just... Wow... I felt that to the core... Like sometimes in toxic family systems from the outside it might seem like everything is perfect on paper.. Like you're fed, you have clothes, you're being sent to school.. etc.. But they don't really see the horrors that take place inside the home... From someone who grew up in a narcissistic family system... Where Shame and Guilt were used to control and dominate.. I do have a lot of shame... And sometimes it's really hard to explain it to people who don't get it.. And sometimes it's just better to hide the dysfunction by working hard yourself to make sense of the situation...especially when they ask questions like.. " Doesn't your mom do this too?, Doesn't your dad help you with that? "
It really triggers me... 😟
@@Lavenderfairy1905 It's hard to give up on your parents actually loving you the way they should. [There's actually a built in survival component to that I think: If your parents rejected you in ancient times, you could literally die.]
Some of the best advice I ever got was this: Quit wasting your time and energy getting them to love you. They don't have it to give. You're better off spending on people who can and do love you." That flipped the switch in me. Hope that helps.
@@charlesdavis7940 yes there is cause love actually equals survival when we are babies... So we develop these coping mechanisms in order to get that conditional love from our parents ( yes I intentionally said conditional love cause sometimes our parents are incapable of giving something that they haven't even received themselves) so yeah I've stopped expecting any love from my parents cause I've started practicing radical acceptance... Meaning that my narcissistic mom is never gonna change and maybe I'm not gonna feel what it's like to have a healthy relationship with your own biological mother... Which sucks in a sense... But its definitely a thousand times better than blinding myself to the inevitable truth... Which will lead to healing... I'm really proud of myself for having the self awareness to recognize that.. (P.s Im only 17😅 and I still live with my mom) . Anyways sending love to anyone reading this...
I know in my bones that I will make it out of here and create a life for myself that my inner child will be proud of.. Filled with love and people who will love me the way that I should be loved...
Trust me one day itll all get better for us all... Praying for healing and love for all my fellow CPTSD folks who are being strong everyday and are courageous in taking the responsibility for their own healing cause it takes a lot of bravery and self awareness to heal yourself and love yourself unconditionally.. ❤
I tend to hold back from being intimate with functional people because my past interactions with them have almost always resulted in rejection. Functional people tend to see awkwardness or failure as the outcome of conscious choice and don't understand that it's not always just a matter of 'getting your shit together'. They tend to get results for their efforts (because they're functional) and don't get why this wouldn't be the case for everyone else. I think we gravitate towards people we can relate to at the end of the day as these people are more likely to accept us.
This
People who move through life with heavy baggage from the past attached to them are going to move forward much slower than those with no baggage. Functional “no baggage” people don’t understand this. They assume people saddled with baggage are struggling bc of bad choices or their problems are a reflection on their character, like they are lazy or weak. There are functional people with this mindset in my family and it’s frustrating. I am not close with any of them and it’s partly bc of this.
Yes. Blame the victim. Though I hate that word and thinking of myself as a victim at all (we’re survivors) but we were victims of our trauma inflicted by people who were/are supposed to love us the most. Functional pp from functional families don’t have a clue what this does to us. They’re judgmental and dismissive of what we have to live through every day. They’ll never understand where we are coming from or the toxic shame that runs our life. They’ll never get what we have to endure to try and heal from all of this. They can’t get why we just don’t get over our bad childhoods. They think we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, or lazy, or looking for an easy way out. No one gets this unless they’re one of us. It’s best to stick with someone who is in the process of seriously trying to heal and improve. Not the ones who we can see have CPTSD but are in denial or do nothing about it and sit in their shame and having no insight into their own behavior. That will bring us down and we can’t save them. God bless and good luck on your journey. I wish you all the best. 😊❤
13 minutes "We're seeking the people where we don't feel judged and we feel safe." THIS. The shame is crippling. Thank you, Anna for sharing your story!! ♥ Thank you, John for the insightful comment!!
I feel your story so much. When I had my first boyfriend, I lied: "my parents are renovating. We cannot go to my place." Well I didnt tell him that my parents stopped halfway in and never finished renovations for years. I was so deeply ashamed of the dirt, the visible neglect, the unfinished business etc that I hardly ever brought friends home. Also, my mum had 4 dogs Nd they peed everywhere.... my stepdad smoked a lot, it was smelly and foggy... oh gosh it was terrible. love and peace to all children of dysfunctional parents 💚
Thanks for sharing! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
That was me lol, I used to sneak friends in through my bedroom window, my mom knew and I never got in trouble but she kept saying "you know you can bring them in the normal way right? Maybe introduce us?" And I just didn't have it in me to explain why. I would NEVER have someone I had romantic interest in over, that could only have been a deal killer in my young mind. Of course I ended up just lacking those relationships at all until I was out of the house but that's down to the issues I couldn't hide....
I never brought friends home because I didn't want them to see how much my family devalued me, in front of others. And because eventually my family would start attacking my friends.
Thank you. I would clean my house for hours before any boyfriend would come over. I wanted desperately to have order and within a day it would be a mess again. I was Cinderella and it started at age 10. So grateful the shame has been revealed and removed through the daily practice and recovery. This is my tribe too. Thank you. 😊
❤ love to you
I am attracted to normal people, but dont blend in well at all.
I can feel extremely fake trying to hang out with friendly, decent people, like they see through me. Even tho they treat me nice, in the end i take it as a sign that i read the situation right when i never hear from them. They can like me in the room, but apart they are happy im not around.
This. So. Real.
I used to feel that way when I was in college, we might blow off things, trying to predict, be hyper aware of what others are thinking of us, over explain ourselves in situations. At least that was true for me, things got better when I started working I made some friends at my workplace that feel genuine, sometimes it's also the so called normal people are very judgemental and we have a tendency to overshare that might rub them the wrong way. Hope you find your tribe!
@@jinaregenez6532 The over sharing always screws me over. I try to bite my tongue when I realize i am doing it.
So glad my therapist told me about this channel. Found my tribe.
Glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
welcome
Welcome friend ❤🎉
welcome:)
Welcome 🤗
You were truly born to do this. You’re very good at this. Better than years of shitty therapists
I like your voice. One of fierce compassion 🙏.
No pity. No implied superiority, no grifting victimhood. Thanks
I feel this so much! I was that girl ..my dad was the town drunk and my mother was so absent and traumatized...and I still struggle being around good people..always feeling somewhat dirty or unwanted and definitely ashamed... Your channel is so timely and healing for me. Thank you!
So glad you found the channel! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This really resonated. I can understand this feeling of being dirty. And i always wonder about it. I can by the same cloths, i can live in the same apartment and still there is something were i don't feel clean or at least not as put together. Not as shiny as other people. And i tried it all. I tried the clothes, the make up the perfume. It's a feeling from within. Were i know...i will never fully belong there. When I am there I am just visiting.
I grew up clumsy and was shamed full on - for regularly dissociating, freezing and being forgetful. Hence, my adoptive mother drilled into me that "I would never be able to live in the real world." Of course I did my best to prove her wrong and did everything i could to be "together" - copying others who I thought were good role models. Life was dreadfully hard and exhausting. I am drawn to unavailable, exciting and unpredictable people. People without CPTSD, by comparison, seem boring and overwhelming. Of course this is not true as I crave normality myself. I fake it and fear being found out (like a tower built of playing cards). The daily practice is helping me feel stronger inside and make better decisions, which is healing. Thank you for your informative and inspiring videos.
Thanks for sharing! So glad the Daily Practice has been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
This! Very relatable.
You are well on your way. Good insights.
Check out ADHD. Those are common symptoms and there's a higher prevalence of ADHD in people who are adopted/in Foster care as ADHD is primarily genetic and ADHD people struggle more with substance issues and the reliability needed for stable parenting.
When I was five a group of teenagers pasted and I froze perfectly still so not to be seen. It was hard not to be clumsy around five older sisters being the youngest little boy. I sure wouldn't like to find myself in your adoptive mother's reality. I am curious to whom you refer as "good role models" in terms of before or after discovering CPTSD? Comparing boring and overwhelming seems a bit confusing to me. It's really quite a new experience for me so people without CPTSD for me is all I know. Is that an uncommon thing? Is it geographical? Is it cultural? Is it economic? Is it a woman thing? All of this would be quite unsettling if I wasn't so alone.
I guess it takes someone who suffered similarly to realize that the chronic "clumsiness" results from early childhood trauma, and, as puppykibble pointed out, a desire not to be seen or mentally present because it was safer to avoid reality and the attention of the adults around you when you were young. I feel for you! I am happy to say that I have also begun my own clumsy path to recovery :)
Oh my God, I'm in my 70s now, but when I was younger I couldn't even date boys or men unless they were broken like me. I had nothing in common with anyone who had loving parents. My second husband, with whom I had two children, was 14 years older than me and was a severely depressed alcoholic. I held him up for four years until the weight was crushing and then I left.
In high school I tried hard to keep a good face on things, but secretly feared everyone knew what a dirty mess I was. Fifty years later I have reconnected with a bunch of women from high school and we lunch together every few months. I can see that in many ways I am doing better than some of them, partly because a certain amount of life is just luck. I look and sound good at these lunches, but a small part of me worries that I'm not fooling anyone, that they are all thinking, "She's not kidding anyone. We know the REAL her."
The weird thing is that the "real me" that we are afraid people will find out is not the real us at all. It's a mixed bag of old wounds, compensating mechanisms, defensive mechanisms, triggers and automatic reactions, loops of negative thinking/beliefs and patterns of tension all jumbled together and we take that to be who we are. I had two NDE's where I remembered who we ALL really are, even the most toxic of abusers. We are all, at our core, pure awareness, pure unconditional love, pure compassion and acceptance with zero judgements. While embodied, we forget who we really are almost like if a person were seeing clouds across the sun and then fully believing there is no sun. I saw that those who do the worst evils are the most lost, confused, disconnected from the light of their true being. We can heal and reconnect with our true selves and then live from that state while embodied. In my NDE, I saw that remembering who we really are is the biggest challenge of being human.
You've created a wonderful community. Finally a place I feel I belong. Hugs to everyone who have similar stories.
So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I grew up in an abusive rat infested drug house. I became the gatekeeper for the family’s public image. The ‘adults’ in the house had no shame, were of low moral character, narcissistic, genuinely thought anyone who didn’t live like them was secretly jealous of them and looked down their noses at anyone who didn’t approve of their sordid lifestyle. I felt huge responsibility and shame about not drawing attention to their lifestyle and the state of our home.
I felt the shame as though it was a moral failing of my own, it didn’t help whe kids at school would say we can’t play with you because your stepfather is a drug dealer/addict. Parents please be careful about what you say to your children about the family life of other children, that child didn’t have a choice.
I feel shame to this day that I had losers for parents and the legacy of their cruel abuse and sordid lifestyle left me with severe complex ptsd and on disability pension. You can’t afford nice things when you’re in poverty and tenants become collateral damage when rentals sell. Unless you have experienced ptsd you have no idea how triggering it can to allow another person into your home. In Australia, real estate agents do inspections on rentals every 3 months, it’s humiliating when you don’t have the basics or nice furniture because you can’t afford them, or moving so frequently means you have to keep your possessions to a minimum to be able to afford the mover’s.
This is the community for you! You are not alone.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sending you love & support. That life is what you were born into, not who you are. ❤️
This video made me cry. It truly showed me that we aren’t alone and even tho we are not “normal” in societal standards we are truly normal with each other and what a blessing it is. Thank you Anna for showing us the light 🙏💛🤗
The light was there always and you decided to look down. Feel the love and gratitude that you were open to see. Know that the gift is that something inside awoke. Now it's your turn to decide whether or not you choose to do with it. But know that you've earned the right to keep that all to yourself if you choose. I am just filled with joy that there are others out there and I don't need to feel so alone.
Anna, my heart broke for you while I watched this video, and the shame component really resonated.
My parents were post-war immigrants from Germany who emigrated to Canada in 1952. I am the only child born in Canada; my two siblings were born overseas. We weren’t only poor, but our family life was weird, to say the least. Among many strange things, my dad made moonshine in our kitchen on Tuesdays, which was illegal. We couldn’t tell anyone he had fought in the war because there was still a lot of understandable anger towards Germany in 1952. When he began to drink more, having friends over became impossible.
There were many things we weren’t allowed to do, so I always had to invent stories to explain why. I spent most of my school years lying about something so that I didn’t air our “dirty laundry.”
I now understand that my parents were deeply traumatised by the war, so it was inevitable that they would raise traumatised children.
I could go on and on for pages, and I’m sorry for the length of this comment. But I’ve never had ANYONE get it until I found my tribe here on Crappy Childhood Fairy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you’re doing.
Thanks for sharing your story! So glad the videos have been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
51 and have isolated myself soo much.. I totally relate to the shame.. being told my whole life I don’t count
The part about being ashamed of the condition of the house is too real. That is exactly how I felt my entire childhood. It was one of the biggest sources of shame for me as a child. None of my friends could ever come over or stay at my house because it was filthy and abnormal. Holes in walls and doors that are never repaired. Roaches. Grime. Piles of junk all around. And if any friend ever had to pick me up at my house I would walk somewhere and get picked up or run out to their car before they had the chance to even think about coming inside. Too real!
Thanks for sharing your experience! -Calista@TeamFairy
God forbid anyone ask to use the toilet as they're dropping you off... So stressful!
Good grief… I totally relate to the original comment here. Cat and dog poop and pew everywhere frequently, and human male pee around and on the toilets… Filth, fleas, flies, physical sickness and infections likely ties directly to the environment and emotional turmoil.
Me too... can I ask, what is your relationship with the space you live in now like? I don't know if you're an adult now, have your own room, etc. But, is it easier for you to keep your space now cleaner than your house was in childhood? How do you feel now when friends/family come visit your space?
@@freefromnarrative my living space is extremely clean, borderline ocd clean. Cleaning is done daily, and friends drop by often. Even though my space is small, I'm never ashamed of it.
I will watch this again later and let the tears flow. My childhood was filled with poverty, alcoholism and neglect too. I had two occasions when I was able to shed all that for a weekend and the feeling was beyond description. Two occasions when I could be just me without the baggage and the history around people who accepted me as me without the fear that I would be found out. You have given me the insight into how that works. As long as you carry your shame with you it does not matter if you live in a hovel or a penthouse.
There is true guilt and false shame. With Christ, I've found that there is neither.
Thanks for sharing! So glad you found the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I totally totally felt your words: “I thought they were two dimensional.” I never felt like they could understand my life because they had such a simple one. It wasn’t until my roommate told me that “no one is boring. Everyone has something interesting about themselves, there’s always more to the story- more to understand.” His words speak so easy to me when I have those old thoughts about, what I call “normies”. Now I realize normal isn’t really something that exists other than the context of our individual lives. And the context is when you learn to understand
You really "got" this video!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It’s amazing to me that other people experienced similar childhoods. At 48 I’m finally starting to heal. I owe that to you, my therapist and hypnosis. Thank you ❤
Thanks for sharing!! So glad the videos have been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Can i ask how many hypnotherapy visits and how u screened/found a skilled professional?
Hypnosis really helped my husband too
Going through a sexual abuse recovery group and we talk about pushing safe people away. We think they will hurt us and we create fantasy relationships that feel safer for us because of what we carried over from our dysfunctional childhood. Thank you!
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
Such a painful cycle and it takes a lot of gravity (love) to put yourself on a better orbit!
Thank you for that pain story. I grew up in a very small mormon community (we were not mormons). I had a mother and father that were completely disconnected and neglectful. My mother pretended to care when my father was around; he was gone a lot doing what he does best--being a work-a-holic and he was full of rage. My sister and I got a double dose of it in the school we attended because we didn't fit in. My mother neglected our hygiene needs, our puberty was very painful. I have lots of these stories about settling for men who I didn't deserve. I thought I deserved it. I also went through this over and over again with men. Just really neglectful men who never really cared. I do have a good man now, but I don't feel good around people who I think are better than me due to not having have had to deal with this crap....and continue suffering even when leaving that place at 18.
I don't talk to my parents. My mother has some really nasty qualities, and my father and sister are still stuck in her hell. I am better now that I went no contact 15 years ago.
The first guy I married didn't even remember to pick me up for our first date. He forgot and went and got high. Then he showed up high and I drove us around our first date....the second time he asked me on a date. I married the loser. I don't know that I relate to normies because I don't have a lot in common or that they just seem like they won't understand me in general. I just don't socialize much. I find socializing something to get through. Most of the time, I fail at it miserably!
Thanks for sharing! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy hey lady! You make me frame things different daily! Please don’t quit. I love your vids. They help so many of us.
Omg, I can totally relate to never ever letting anyone see where I lived as a kid. It was so embarrassing how everything was falling apart, literally and figuratively.
We understand! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow, I always wondered why the people I’ve been attracted to have always been somewhat troubled. Other “normal” people seemed to lack depth, boring. I had a memory while listening about avoiding having friends at my childhood home because I was afraid for them. That my father, mother and sisters would be mean to them, and a few times it happened and I had to protect my friends. I always tried to protect my friends and lovers from my family and I had forgotten that. Now I’m 67 and my parents are dead, but my older sister lashed out at me the other day, and I felt so hurt. But I didn’t fight back, I told her we should speak later when she was less upset and that I loved her. But of course I’m scared to deal with her. The whole family made me feel like I was too sensitive because I’d get upset when they were abusive. It’s powerful stuff this childhood trauma
I refer to the 4th F as "fake" ... Having learned to always fake like I am OK, or not terrified, or not upset, or "always trying to not look like the irrational one" in a disagreement (likely because I grew up with an out of control rage-aholic father and I never ever want to come across the way he did to people). I find big feelings totally embarrassing because I never want to look out of control. Which leads to my fifth F: Fade into the background, Fade away, Fade from life: just always be invisible/non-confrontational so I never get into conflict.
Nice additions :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow! This resonated with me. My Father and siblings had explosive emotions. I resented the way their emotions made me feel (not safe). I have mastered the art of controlling my emotions to the point my children say they cannot detect how I feel about anything. Several people have commented that I have no personality (granted they were those who made up stories to make themselves interesting). Still trying to work through it. When I see people who wear their emotions on their sleeve, whether they be positive or negative emotions, I run the other way.
@@dickeynat3 Sorry to hear that. I think it's this exact kind of repression (even if done out of safety) that leads one to always feel "different" from the rest of the world. I guess if I had to put the feeling into words, it would be something like:
"How come everyone else gets to be messy ... and then also be supported for it? How come they are not rejected for having their feelings?" ...
But when *I* have my feelings, it always feels like I did something wrong, and that I should have been more careful. For me, when I have big feelings, in any kind of visible or public way, it feels like I "messed up", "will be rejected", "will get in trouble", "people will no longer like me now that they see what's inside", etc. It sucks.
It literally feels like everyone else gets to be a flawed human. While I, for my own safety, and in order to keep my relationships in tact, I must *not* have my feelings.
Now, I'm not saying I never show feelings. I do. I think I actually quite easily show anger and annoyance (being male, these are the most 'acceptable') ... But still, I always feel really bad about it after, like a total shame hangover that can sometimes last for days. I wake up the next day and I am still on trial in my head. And sometimes the next, and the next ...
All of which makes me want to shut down, which makes me want to avoid conflict, which makes me want to avoid people and difficult life situations (which is where conflict arise) ... It can become a self-isolating spiral.
Sorry, I don't have answers. Just my experiences. Which hopefully, by just sharing some truths here, I hope this helps a little, or at least resonates. :-)
Ken Molnar. Thank you for taking the time to write that. I have thought many times those types of thoughts : why do they get to act out or whatever and I have to stifle myself.
@@holly50575 I think, you all are stifling yourself, because your parents stifled you. They didn't know how to handle your authentic and valid feelings, so they projected and shamed you out of them, because they weren't allowed to feel either.. trauma cycle.. This is Avoidant attachment style I think; emotionally avoidant, because emotions appear scary due to childhood. I'm sure if you heal the inner child wound and accept yourself and your emotions, that may help.. x
I RARELY have encountered people that treats me well. It has been more common lately and even though i don’t avoid them, I have this feeling of disbelief and not knowing what to do because I am not used to be treated like a human being.
We understand! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sounds very familiar
Same. Only recently, in particular the therapists I have had, have shown me genuine kindness and compassion and I don’t know what to do with it… I often just end up crying in disbelief because I’ve never been treated with dignity like that before.
I’ve been dismissed or ignored, or hit/molested by my brother, taken advantage of by several guys before (not fully, but enough to scar me and scare me).
Life has just sucked and been hard from day 1 for my part. I really wish more people paid attention to how they treat others (me included), and would ask for consent before assuming it’s okay with another person.
@@Elya08 i, also, end up crying around people that treat me decently. I'm learning to receive it, though!
This so resonates, my shame over my home was profound. The house wasn't a wreck, but the tension was overwhelming, the waiting for my parents to shame and humiliate me prevented me from bringing friends home for most of my childhood
You are in the right place now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I related strongly with Jesse Eisenberg’s character in The Squid And The Whale where his girlfriend’s family is close knit and genuinely enjoy each other but he can’t relate to them fully. I had a similar experience once I got to college and met a girl who came from a loving family. They invited me to Thanksgiving and there was no tension, people were laughing in family celebration. That wasn’t my experience growing up and I was overwhelmed.
I felt like an alien on some occasional celebrations where I needed to sit by the table with parents and maybe some strange family friends. Still don’t like to sit with people by the table…
@@dariosergevna TBH I wish I could skip the entire holiday season, take my kids and dog to Mexico after Halloween and come back New Years Day. I knuckle through but it's a hard time for me every year. It wasn't always this way. Since my grandparents have been gone it's not the same. On the flip side, I know it doesn't have to be this way. When I have grand kids I promise it never will be anything less than joyful and meaningful family time. Being a dad it's very important to me to show my kids and grandkids a healthy, loving approach to family based on honesty, acceptance and respect.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mother would attack me emotionally and humiliate me EVERY. SINGLE. FAMILY GATHERING! I used to tell people it was like living with a combination of Nurse Ratched (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) and Carrie’s mother. ( Stephen King) and then add my violent father into the mix. He didn’t beat my mother but us kids really got it. I basically ran away from home and when that toxic relationship failed I came back home . Then I had to deal with my father’s sadistic misogyny and my mother’s financial abuse. She even tried to get me fired from my job by going into the place and ranting about me ... a week after I’d already left. I still hide from people.
I am still EXTREMELY resentful of people with happy, loving, supportive families. I'd rather spend every holiday alone in a box than spend half an hour around families like that. Like you said, it's overwhelming. But for me, I'm jealous that I didn't have that and still don't, and that jealousy and anger become too much to bear, and I can't be around it.
thanks John! Yeah, I talked to my brother about CPTSD and we discussed the humiliation of our parents' behavior in public. they weren't addicts; we were third culture kids and children of survivors of war. We lived in third countries that had wars every few years, so we were recycling trauma. Friends were a bizarre issue for my parents.
Thanks for sharing your experience! -Calista@TeamFairy
Same here I live in a third country and I was raised by very conservative parents.. Glad that you share your experience I feel less alone ❤
Thank you so much for your vulnerability. So raw. So refreshing. So healing 🙏🏻
Is there no appreciation for that no matter where you come from we feel the same thing in different spectrums? That is why it is so important to realize that nations are just different geographical locations? We are not only just humans but we are living expressions of the universe. It's good to feel that connection on a fundamental if not practical way. I like to look at how far we think we are separated yet not really compared to the vast universe. Right? Am I alone? Oh my!
For me being around them feel's bad because show how i'm not very mature and well put like them.
I don’t trust people who had a good time in school. If you didn’t struggle in some way, if you weren’t a weirdo, I can NEVER relate to you.
That’s why I was close to my mom but not my dad or either of my sisters. Dad was Big Man on Campus in a small town where he dated every girl he wasn’t related to, and both my sisters were popular overachievers. And Mom and I were funny, brainy types who know what always hearing “pretty for a fat girl” feels like. We were the weirdos, and they were the kids who were mean to us in school.
I don’t think we EVER outgrow that.
Hi fellow survivor : ) I can really relate to your stance. Before recovery (which started at 38 when I finally got a CPTSD diagnosis and started crawling out of brainwashed denial about my family), I had a conscious policy about potential friends: they had to have experienced something really bad in life to earn any attention from me. I grew up the scapegoat in the family and the weird, freaky, normal income "fat girl" at a snooty rich kid school, so I didn't trust anyone who couldn't identify with the reality I lived of being the outcast. 11years in to real healing, I've at least ammended that to add on the clause "...and they need to be working on healing from that".
I haven't read all comments yet, but in the ones I have what is missing for me is my lived experience that truly healthy families/people are actually pretty rare. I fully believe that trauma trickles down to the family unit and individual from society and it's various institutions. So in a way, no one is totally immune. Not everyone may have CPTSD (although I believe a lot do and don't know it) but regardless of diagnosis, everyone I know is either dealing with known childhood issues as best they can, or is in denial, limping along to some degree with ultimately unhealthy coping mechanisms. Or the smaller group - struggling like us to heal from profound brain injury and symptoms. The former groups actually include a lot of people who are so-called successful in life. I thought I was pretty good at seeing through the superficial appearances of families in so-called good standing at school, church, the neighbourhood - and I was to a degree - but it wasn't until I came out about my trauma experience that a number of people who had it all together in school in my eyes admitted to the hell they had been surviving by means of overachieving, obsessing on success, burying themselves in schoolwork, etc. I can't really relate to that because my dysregulationand depression stopped me from that option, but it helped really open my eyes to the range of dysfunctional human experience in our society. I just learned a new phrase yesterday from such a friend - "on the trauma spectrum". Sure, there are people who seem less damaged than I have been by ACEs. Or they coped in different ways that got them further in the rat race, or they had certain advantages that I didn't that helped them along despite their issues. I certainly don't know what it's like to have grown up with Pretty Privilege, for example. Nevertheless, I can count on one hand the people I've met, including in my work in other countries/clutures, who weren't affected by some kind of trauma that it caused some issues in their life. The more I heal, and the higher my standards get for what kind of behaviour I look for in a friend, the more I see how vast the suffering is in our society. People often just bury it or cope with it in different ways like work, alcohol, food abuse, and haven't hit a rock bottom like I did, for whatever reason.
What I said in perhaps too many words is that recovery is showing me, in my opinion, that people have a lot more in common regarding trauma than it may look like at first to those of us who weren't able to mask or hide from it the way others did. My gut feeling is now to assume until proven otherwise that people I meet are suffering in some way, whether they're admitting it or coping with it in a healthy way or not. It's the only reason I can see too for why the world is such a mess right now. I'm far, far from perfect. I will always have trust issues and I may always be triggered to some degree by people who don't have my same lived trauma experience. And I certainly despise judgement from people who think superficial success is a genuine indicator of worth, talent, drive and mental health. But I truly believe that seeing the commonality when it comes to our lived pain helps my inner peace and recovery. I don't have to be friends with everyone, but I can appreciate that they may well have at least some ACE-related issues like I do.
Thank you for commenting and being part of this community! I've achieved nore tangible healing here in the last 6 months than I have in the rest of my life. I'm really hoping to connect more with people here who get it. Peace to you.
This tracks so well with my own story and treatment at the hands of a mentally ill mother and co-dependant father. When I was little I was her little "angel" and was parentified. I was her emotional caretaker and hence my early friendships were all very co-dependent. I made friends with the awkward kids, the too fat, too loud, misfits and I took care of them at the expense of myself. As I grew older and more independent, I became villianized by my mother for pushing back on her control and I became the scapegoat. My adolesncent relationships were with selfish men who would love me one day and hate me the next. What I was used to. Once I healed my relationships improved. (Well, except the one with my mother which is non-existant now. Boundaries don't go over well with toxic people.) My current marriage is a loving one with mutual respect and reflects what I deserve and what others deserve from me. I know your message is true and you can move past bad habits picked up from early abuse! Thanks for your wonderful videos.
The part about letting your date in the house hit me in a nostalgic/sorrowful way. My junior prom, I had worked up the courage to ask a boy I had been pining over to take me. I was thrilled when he said yes. (We would later go on to date in our college years)
I remember being so agitated and worried. My house was a cluttered mess, his mom and him were going to come in, will it look acceptable? Turns out it was fine because I got to ride to the prom in his mother’s mini-van with the back floor covered in bird seed.
Then, I remember we never danced…not until the very last song of the night. I can’t remember if I did the logical thing and ask (probably not)…but I do remember being upset with him for months after because he “ruined” my prom. Back then, I did not understand that I had to open my mouth to get what I wanted. We never did that at home.
He didn't seem interested. I think if he was, he could have asked you to dance, you wouldn't have had to ask him. But since you had started the initiative, you might have set the expectation that you will be the one to lead.
Which is why I think women who take courage to ask men out should be sure they are ready to always be the gentlewoman.
Sounds very familiar 🤐
Idk how long ago that was but it sounds familiar. Boys are less mature than girls, for starters (biologically & psychologically speaking)... Most lack the self confidence to dance in public, even as grown men but def as teenagers with their peers around. Sorry that happened. I can relate - most guys where I grew up were scared to even ask people out for fear of rejection. Too cool for school 🙄🤷♀️
@lexi con
It was over 20 years ago now. 😅🤣 but yeah, he was always a bit weird/nerdy and out there, but that’s why I liked him.
@lexi con
It was over 20 years ago now. 😅🤣 but yeah, he was always a bit weird/nerdy and out there, but that’s why I liked him.
This message is Priceless.
My deepest gratitude
to You and John,
for your courage to speak.
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
I have to agree with John and you. I believe we can help certain people in our lives. Ancestral baggage or curses as they call it. At a young age I saw the unhealthy in those who cared for me. It was like a Domino effect, molested at a very early age then to live with my stepmother who made me her escapegoat. Even though it became hard to stand on my own I never wanted marriage at an early age. Didn't marry till I was 44 raised his 4 children and realized he was a narcissist. The older generation never had emotional independence. Now I'll be 69 in November and I feel most comfortable helping others. Help and advice can be there for you. Thank you this is a great place to come to.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
God bless you Dee!
Thank you Fairy. Your message speaks to me. In the past (before I learned I had CPTSD), I couldn't stand being with a "good" guy: it's simply too boring. I know now that I craved the ups and downs and my past relationships were full of that. I used to think if it's not hard, challenging, or difficult, then it's not real love. And that is because I never knew what it is like to be properly loved by adults when I was a kid. I had to do everything to make them not get made at me, or pay attention to me. I am now learning how to love myself. Without actual experience of unconditional love, this channel is my resource and guide on navigating this world as a very immature adult. ❤❤❤
Thanks for sharing! We're rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Hardly immature. I find it amazing how many women are here. I mean, do men not feel this way? Anyway I imagine those ups and downs as emotional roller coaster rides. Roller coaster rides are for young lovers I think. With age comes the enjoyment of the less thrilling rides like the tunnel of love? A pleasurable stroll through a park is a highly underrated activity. I am beginning to think that "real" love is apparently supposed to be quite simple. Jury is still in session on that one. I meet women who don't talk about their feelings. Imagine that. Where did we go wrong with being a good guy? Good guys can be exciting and thrilling. Our ups and downs are joys then snuggles on the couch. What's boring about that. Ever been to an orchestra? ballet? I have a refined pallet for fine wines. I fail to see how being the good guy is boring. Do you notice how many posts are edited to ensure punctuality and clarity? Interesting. Alone still. 🤪
Yeah... in my last relationship, i really tried to move beyond the roller coaster that I was used to- we both mentioned early on that one of our goals is a consistent relationship- no off/on again.... turns out it's still really hard even when you have a roadmap of how you want to be better 😅 The part about having to do everything to get parents to not be mad or pay attention definitely resonates! In my adult relationships, I do over-explain and give extra chances to try to handle conflicts. And, I am very open and willing to make the first move on guys or ask them out... it goes from being bold, open, and confident, to being the one chasing them all the time really quickly :/ Right now, I'm trying to sloooow down, even when I have to fight my own desire for new connections, attention and affection... I have to keep working on self-love for a while :)
@@freefromnarrative yes, it's always easier said than done. Same here! I just can't put myself into any relationship at this point because I am focusing only on me now😁💪
I’ve always attracted game players - narcissists. I felt like less-attractive, less-exciting guys weren’t worth having. I’m so glad we have UA-cam, where we have people like Anna and each other to clear the cobwebs away, because therapists never helped. 🙄
Another good one! ❤️ I can be friends with almost anyone but think I relate better to authentic people. The snobs & phonies aren't capable of being true friends anyway, and are actually like that because of INSECURITY, not true confidence. NOBODY is "perfect" or "normal," some are just better at disguises. So much easier to enjoy life being real. We ALL want to be accepted for who we are... why be someone else?
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
I just wrote a comment elsewhere here that says pretty much the same thing (just much less succinctly : ) I find it very freeing and healing (and also very tragic in the same breath) to recognise that many if not most people out there are suffering in some way too. There was a time in my early recovery when I probably needed to believe I was so much more damaged than the people around me, to counterbalance all the years I had the blame solely put on me for my CPTSD symptoms. But the more I heal the more I recognise how much trauma and pain is everywhere, trickling down and back up again from society and its institutions to family and the individual. Including people who appear successful on the outside. What I want to look for going forward is not necessarily people who know what it's like to be a "loser" on the outside, but anyone who truly gets it about what it means to be human in this world today. That's why I'm so encouraged by this community.
I've been in trauma therapy for 8 years and made some progress, but when I discovered your videos, a damn broke open... it has excellerated my healing in a way I'd never expected . The only regret I have is that I didn't find therapy or videos like this earlier in my life. I've created a total HELL of Mt life, and now I'm truly making internal changes... a loooong road ahead. Thank you. I'm sure you understand the lost wilderness I've been in my entire life.
We understand and we're glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"It helped ME, John!" 😄
This is why Anna's advice is so good. You know a person is good at giving advice when they are open and humble enough to really listen to and recieve what they are hearing back from the people they are advising.
Anna is amazing at helping people have those big "ah-ha! Moments" and it makes her even so much more relatable to get to have one right along WITH her! 😊
Thanks, John! You answered a question that's been alluding a lot of us! I feel like we already knew deep down, but we've been so conditioned to suppress it and never say it. Thanks for saying it!
Edit:
And, as always, Anna, thanks for explaining it so well. It really does boil down to shame of things that were done to us and shame of the things that we've done. But we can learn, grow, and let that go. (With the help of understanding souls.) It was so cool and interesting to learn a little more about you, Anna, thank you for sharing.
I was not permitted to have any friends outside of my neighbor whose parents were alcoholics.
I did not date, was never asked out on a date or to a dance.
I was ashamed of being different than other kids. Everyone had more money, a nicer house, and friendly parents.
My brother suffered from schizophrenia, a complete mystery back in the 70s. So I was you know, that crazy guys sister.
I was the housekeeper, cook, laundress, mowed the lawn, did the dishes. At 13 years old. No socialization. No reward, no encouragement, no guidance. I found weed and speed helped me cope.
I understand now that my father had cptsd. He was severely abused by his alcoholic immigrant father.
My dad did not drink and he never hit any of us kids, but his temper was so volatile over things I didn't understand. I came to learn his sister was the victim of a murder / suicide by her husband and he found them. I look just like her. He chased off any boy who even looked my way.
Suffice it to say I left home the week after I graduated high school, took up with the wrong people and was a single mom at 24.
I'm so thankful that my daughter has worked hard at not repeating the same mistakes with her own life, and is 38 now, getting married to a wonderful man on Saturday.
It's time for joy, and to celebrate love. Real love, which they both deserve so much.
Thank you for sharing. You’re absolutely right, this is the first time I’ve felt understood. I recently got the opportunity to rent a basement from a lovely couple.
They’re so kind and healthy and it takes everything in me not to run away. I feel more comfortable in my dirty childhood home, with cockroaches and trash, with the utilities turning off every other month, with two abusive parents.
I want to WANT a healthy relationship and I want to feel at home in good spaces. I’m not sure how.
So glad you're here! We understand and are rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
that happened to me. i moved out and the family was healthy and i moved out lowkey.
Yes.
The most anxious parts of childhood - not getting the space to experience, grow through, and learn to process the "normal" anxieties of growing up because you were busy nervously occupied by the extra layers of compensating for and hiding the lack of stability and proper parenting, worrying about unsafe and unhealthy mistreatment in front of others, and the saddening living conditions.
Awesome Anna! You are the first person that described what was going on inside me and gave me that feeling of 'holy shit I'm going to be ok'....'holy shit I'm not going insane', ' holy shit this is an actual thing that thousands of people have'. Thank you so so so much for starting the healing journey for me too. Blessed! X
So glad you found the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I remember my "holy shit" moment you described so well 😂
In a different video, I heard Anna mention the book "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
I bought it, and there's 2 paragraphs in the middle of the prologue that brought tears of validity, relief, and hope. I remember thinking those same words - holy shit I'm going to be okay
Oh my God !
I have been puzzling over this for decades !!! Healthy people stress me out and feel dangerous to me and I don't know why.
I feel driven to cozy up to toxic people and I know it's sick so I isolate .
I Survived it!!!!!!! I am not what they did or didn’t do. I am deserving of a prosperous loving peaceful & wealthy existence.
Yes! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I call them " normies" , they literally have a kind of blank eyed energy . To this day I also tend to bond better with people who grew up in horror shows like mine was.
Horror show says it all, you wonder how the hell you come through but you do. Because inwardly I feel we’re pretty tough. 😉
Still, the inner child pedastalises their ' caregiver' and blames themselves, rather than jeopardise the care they receive 🤔
When you said how much your dad loved you it make me cry because as messed up as I am all I want is for my daughter to know how much I love her
I’m curious if anybody else feels this way- with my CPTSD history I feel ashamed of where I am in life, and I see how those things I am ashamed of are results of my history, so when I meet happy functional people I feel like I have to over-explain why I’m “behind”, like “ oh, yes, I work in nonprofits, that was never the plan but, see, I was from an abusive household and…”
“They seem dumb”😂….Anna your story reminds me of the movie Pretty In Pink💗…..I feel more comfortable with wounded people (they’re funny & comforting) but can’t have healthy relationships with them…..will that ever change? Healthy guys seem so boring to me & I feel like if I’m anxious, they think I’m nuts….it’s so disheartening
Thank you!!!! I’m wondering if you would think about doing a piece on how authoritarian governments affect CPTSD? It’s been crazy up here in Canada and I’ve felt my childhood trauma being brought out over and over the last year with the mandates and shame campaigns from the BC provincial government and the federal government- I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Abuse from government is very similar to abuse from parents - abusive authority. The last two years have been incredibly triggering for me and I've definitely regressed.
Same. I kept thinking I just can't go through this again. Very re-traumatising. Govts and Media dishing out emotional and psychological abuse "for the greater good". I was abused "for my own good".
Having had to overcome “betrayal blindness” about our past, we can more readily see through the lies and gaslighting going on today... trauma survivors may be better-equipped with the awareness to sense when something is wrong and stay away while society stampedes off a cliff
You're just a treasure. Thank you for sharing. I have a lot to learn.
Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy
This community is amazing. Sending love and healing to all. Grace yourselves this week ❤️
This all resonates with me. I’m starting now at 59 to recognize this… and recently recognized a potential relationship that would have been with a guy whose life is a mess… I said no.
The old me would have jumped in, red flags and all.
Sounds like you're making great progress! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
For me I finally realized that I have no idea how to actually make friends with a normal, functional, emotionally stable adult. Every ‘best friend’ I’ve had in my adult life has been someone who latched onto me because their life was a mess and they needed me for the free therapy basically. But it was always very one sided friendships. I don’t think I know how to make friends with people who aren’t just takers. I’m still trying to get out of that abused child mindset that ‘I’m supposed to take care of everyone else and not expect it to be reciprocated’.
I'm right there with ya. I would rather have no friends than more of that. And that's pretty much where I'm at. Because once they start using me they wind up on the curb. I have me and that's enough. If something good comes my way, fantastic. If not, that's OK.
Some parts of my crazy self is revealed time to time. The problem with normal people is that they can make fun of you, never understand you or be patient with you. There are all in a different zone
This is not easy
This whole social weirdness series is making me laugh with understanding, empathy 😊 thank you for speaking to my story and those of so many others!
Thank you for your kind words! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
If possible in the future, can you discuss how to recover from an avoidant personality due to CPTSD. What is a normal level of niceness, courtesy, how not to be invading in the process of trying to be normal or reciprocal ?
1:50. Good guys are not necessarily boring! There are some incredibly romantic and good guys probably closer to you than you think. Wow. Just wow. It took fifty one years and a You tube video but I get the feeling there are a lot of opportunity out there for love and connection once I start therapy. Oh wait, it's already begun. Thank you algorithms helping me find all these beautiful people. I am pretty sure I'm not alone. This commenting stuff sure is liberating. I hope I don't cause unintentional harm in here projecting. I am not alone.
Omg, wow. I feel so validated about not wanting anyone to see my house to the point of panic. I still feel that today. It wasn’t dirty, but it wasn’t as nice as others houses. I’m mortified about my house NOW because I’m not working and can’t afford to fix it. Inflation has made things even worse. I have to get to the other side of this. I can’t live like this anymore.
I just started doing your daily practice. I've been a recovering codependent for 10 years. I did all of my recovery on my own. I've just realised although I've got to know myself well; I've realised I will not fully recover until I connect with others. So I've just started seeking support from CODA, from Stand Alone (I'm estranged), but one of the things I've realised is that I'm avoiding because ultimately I'm still ashamed of pretty much everything.
We understand, shame is one of the most powerful and damaging effects of CPTSD. So glad you're starting the daily practice, we're rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
I understand that shame. I felt that for so long. Healing your identity and letting go of the shame and beliefs about myself has been very liberating.
I came from that kind of poverty also. I think there are so many of us that had such shame around our home environment and for me my mother was even very abusive or she wasn’t present at all. I’m so grateful that I found your channel. It’s really helped me to know that I can now do the work to improve how I react in situations in relationships! It does affect every area of your life in particular your intimate relationship choices. I’ve fallen for men many times that were emotionally unavailable to me. So basically I abandoned myself and put others first most of my life. I’m now 69 years of age. Thank God I was able to pull myself away from the family dysfunction and saved my daughter from the energetic traumatic nightmare in which I grew up. Now I look for feeling safe, not feeling judged, feeling loved, feeling cared for! Most of my life I rescued and saved others but I have turned that around and now I know self-love is more important. I’m going to check out your free daily practice. In my life in order to heal I found myself following a holistic lifestyle including becoming a holistic health practitioner and of course my spirituality and faith in God. Namaste’.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you're going to try out the Daily Practice :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Your description of being afraid of the boy seeing inside your home and your mom making an appearance was so relatable 😢
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
my teenage house was a house no one could afford. My mother had dinner on the table at the same time every night and was into appearances..but she was histrionic and a manipulative, cruel piece of work. My stepfather was a lecturous drunk. What you said here is completely true for me. I thought so much of my shame was my own (earnt) but more and more I realise it's not. Even the things I do that are not up to scratch are understandable... so I have more compassion for myself... which in and of itself seems to be the antidote. I have always been attracted to disordered people, sometimes cruel people. 2 of my past boyfriend's were diagnosed psychopaths. Go figure. I've done alot of work on myself the last few years. I'm 56 years old and whilst that tendency is still there, the over riding urge is for peace now. Thankyou.
We are 'drawn' to people who are not good for us because we have been 'conditioned' to think that these are the people that will only 'accept' us. We do not realise that our self worth has been 'damaged'. Once we realise who we actually are, then we will be 'drawn' to the true people who care about us and we can care about also. We are all 'obsessed' with money and possessions. It's your inner qualities that matter. I once read this quote. 'A friend is someone who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden'. We go through some aweful things in our young life. It's only later in life that we realise what are the things that really matter in life. Thank you for your videos. We can all achieve great things and leave behind past abusers. People on the outside who look successful may on the inside be something different. We need to remember that we are not to blame for the mistakes of others. We need to be respectful to everyone including ourselves. If others do not respect us, it is them that have the problem, not you. Keep moving forward and keep good wise friends around you, people who build you up and do not tear you down.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
This whole video really rings true, especially feeling like people with "secure attachment" are two-dimensional.
This video also gave me insight into avoidance of intimacy: if you grew up only knowing intimacy leading to painful, negative interactions that led to shame, then it makes sense to want to avoid intimacy. From this stems all the characterizations of avoidant patterns: men who "love & leave" --> because they want relationships that *don't* involve shame and pain; people who "seek out" abusers --> this is how they experienced intimacy, so it's the only path they know to a deeper relationship...it's not that they *want* to be masochists, it's just that they have coping mechanisms for specific abuses so may be desensitized to it.
I can totally relate to the first boyfriend story. My first boyfriend was also a dumpster fire and all my relationships afterwards have been dumpster fires too and I have always wondered if things would have been better if my first boyfriend had been a better person.
My dad made serious threats to kill my first boyfriend but I had very mixed feelings about it because he was the one who had insulted me so much that I felt bad about myself in the first place.
I can totally relate to the shame too. In my first months of university my friends were the straight A perfect students, but I felt so much shame because I perceived myself to be at a far lower level than them. Nobody ever made a mean comment towards me, but nobody needed to because I was doing it all myself. Eventually I completely stopped talking to them because I couldn't handle it anymore.
Unfortunately, one of my best skills is to ‘compare and despair’. When I’m not doing well, I avoid certain social situations, because I know I will spiral down by being around healthy, dysfunctional, successful, happy people.
Same here
Thank you so much for being here. What a blessing to have found you.
So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
High school is not a great place for any one. My house was not dirty, but l sure did date men who didn't really understand me. I was shamed because of my disabilities, medical issues and social isolation from being sick all the time. Now it's overwhelming me, but l am gonna keep trying. Thank you for your help.
So glad the video was helpful. We're rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for your support, caring and being helpful. We all find our own ways out of our past lives. 💜💙💚💛🧡❤🦋🦋🦋👼👼👼👼👼👼🎂🎂😻😻🍀🌹🧿🤪🍀🌹🧿🤪🍀🌹🧿🤪
For some reason, or was it the Sexual Revolution; it was all about sex. Having sex, being sexy, sexy clothing, ect. I faced this sexual soup looking for a relationship like my parents had. But l didn't know everyone knew my sexual trauma in my childhood. This has caused me a great deal of depression, because l needed that information back then. No one had the guts to tell me. We all need to know what happened to us, if not in detail just a outline and date. Our scares are part of our past. I also want to say,l love the Hindu Culture 🕉. Now is their Celebration of Lights. Their music and ideology as reflected by George Harrison means so much to me. Thank you for highlighting my comment again.
I think it's interesting that you were drawn to being a comedian. I've heard that Carol Burnett's family was unsupportive of her, and that's where inspiration for The Family skits comes from.
I always have a lot of identification with those skits.
I relate totally. When I experience really happy families, I used to become so sad. Just the contrast shower me what I missed.
Now I am a family coach! Of course they all have their pain and me getting to help them resolve things is so rewarding. Coming home from a session this week, I told my autistic son that this healing I am facilitating is so beautiful, even though I can't heal my own family. What do you mean, he said. We are the closest family I know of, he said. Unbelievable! I am still getting used to this idea. We have been through so much. Maybe I still feel shame about that too? But now grateful too.
Sometimes perhaps we still cannot see ourselves properly?
Thanks to John and you, the crappy childhood fairy, it's so hard uncovering all the layers of shame but so worth it and so much more comfortable when other people are helping make sense of it. Big hugs to all of us for having the courage to try! 🤗
Exactly John. That's why I don't trust anyone and don't want to be around people anymore. I'm exhausted!
Anna, I love your vulnerable story. I felt the same way you did but I grew up in a clean house, only on the surface.
" I just came to this channel and it's the 1st time anyone's described what it's like to be me". That was me, I thought that also.
So glad you found the channel! -Calista@TeamFairy
It's ok to be alone. It's better than being around people that hurt you or inadvertently hurting others
Someone just asked me the other day why I keep hanging around "these people" and I tried explaining about how "these people" don't judge. And are the only ones who ever seem to be around when my supposed friends and even family aren't around.
Thank you\
Criticism has been a weight on my kneck for as long as I can remember , never good enough , it was continual , that and being ignored , insignificant , the physical and mental abuse as a kid , the crap fitting .. always left me alone , always retreating to my safe place .. I see I’ve created a life where I have become capable of living in this way .
I thought I’d found the answer when I discovered my high sensitivity , I thought , alright now I’m going to be ok.. but understanding isn’t healing , it’s just the first step .. I’m still not good enough , nothings quite alright , I still sit alone , I still live in my mind , I still wish for more ..
I feel like I’ve tried all my life , and failed myself and all those around me .. I see it all so clearly now .. not sure I can change , I’m still running away .
Grace🙏🏾 don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing a great job… but it’s not perfection that you are seeking just authenticity, scars and all❤
Understanding is a HUGE step! We're rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
For me it’s not so much shame that makes it hard to connect as much as it is what you said earlier - I just didn’t connect with them, they seemed 2 dimensional. But I’ve been learning that the trauma of abuse means normal doesn’t SEEM normal and we have to learn to just live with the abnormal but healthy to learn what healthy is. one has to UNDO and LEARN anew, everything all like a child all over. It is really a process that one needs to have help and space to do.
In some ways though, it’s been a natural rewiring - becoming more attracted to the things I have always wanted - which was good character, honesty, decency, spirituality and losing interest (but only when) the truth about a person was revealed. though it is still hard to believe the wrong people could do is actually happening, especially when they keep claiming it is not.
Well said! Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
Living in a messy house is something that drove a lot of shame for me growing up. I remember my mom saying I shouldn't make too many friends because of our house. My parents weren't abusive in a typical way but placing that type of apprehension and shame on a child is abuse.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
I can relate. Even if i come from an physical functioning household. Emotionally my parents gave theyr best. At the same time, you can't give a carrot if you don't have one. And you can't give your children techniques to use theyr emotions for orientation in live when you fear your own emotions and the reactions of the folks that surround you so much that you suppress them and you train your kids to do the same because theyr emotions trigger the beast out of you.
Becoming social difficult imprinted comes in so much varieties.
I feel like an imposter when around people that have more capacity's free in life. The holding emotional distance or fake autonomie i learned as child lead me to look at, do i win or do i loose. So i tend to settle for people who have achieved less then me. And due to a lot of emotional activation i dont have much free capacity to do what i want. I really feel bad about this. So i deep inside have two sites. One is joyful for the others acomplishments and the other is so sad, and this have been so often, that it have grown some resentment for that i don't experience the freedom to achive what i want and that i didn't learn to try again and again and again when i fell. I did not learn to do hard things. I learned to give up. That it is not wanted to grow up. I never have been allowed to learn real live skills. I just got restrained. One parenting tool of my mom have been. Say no so often that your kid don't dare to ask again then you have peace. I learned to give up. And give in on what others would like.
Left me feeling fragile.
I now teach myself that i can fail and move on.
The daily practice helps. To get those pattern and find the way through them.
Thanks for sharing! So glad the Daily Practice has been helpful. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
I have one question. Relaiting to the video.
The question comes directly from my shadow child. This part of mine allowed me to ask this question. First of all I have tears in my eyes. I celebrate the trust this part shows me.
Question:
When someone treat me well, i fear this could be just something like lovebombing.
Is there a way to recognize the different between love and a starting trauma bonding process for someone who never experienced love before?
Thank you for your great work. I believe it makes the world a better place when people learn to live a happier and more in peace life with theyr trauma history.
I never knew why it was difficult for me to deal with anxiety or depression. Why situations that normal people would rebound quicker, felt like a long year tsunami for me. Why even keeping a job was so fucking difficult and dude I love working. Sometimes it was impossible for me to even think straight. Thank you Ana for sharing. Life is getting little less difficult these days
So happy to hear that. Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What feels good is often determined by what you are used to. Relaxation stresses me out, because it is a foreign sensation to me. This creates a weird vicious cycle for me 🧘🏼♂️❤️🩹
I am thankful to realize some comparisons when I take in your content. We didn’t live in filth, but we did live in constant fear.
We had normal clutter, but that became one of the MANY things that would trigger huge explosions with my dad. He would snap, then yell, shove, slap, kick, chest poke, etc…and we would spend hours cleaning and throwing things out. The dinner table got so intense, so often, I still have adrenaline hit when we sit at a table for a meal. I prefer to eat at the counter - or standing up 😂
I can relate to the shame,
I feel shame writing this, with the raw fear coming back along the recollections from so many of these kinds of occurrences years ago. It never leaves.
He was abused too, but it would seem made the choice to inflict his ire on the ones closest. He made life a mine field.
In no way do I feel self righteous, but in my effort to NOT pass that shit on, I realized it is also a choice one makes to be a self centered, mean person.
Quite certain my dad felt like he did a great job, which by all accounts he did rise up from some real adversity (like we all do), to keep us fed and clothed.
Trying to imagine what life could have been is one of the more challenging parts of this experience, as much as I try to let it all go.
We all deserve forgiveness at some point I guess.
Thank you for your effort to help us, as grueling as it is to take in :)
I tend to gravitate towards kind, soft-spoken people and reject loud, aggressive people. I was treated with harshness constantly as a child to "toughen me up" and when I protested, I was dismissed, with my abusers telling me "it's good for you". Took me a few years to make myself realize that I don't need to surround or expose myself with @$$holes and horrible humans to prove to people who don't matter, how subjectively "tough" I am or am not.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
I am so, so, SO thrilled to have found your channel. I can relate to SO much of what you say and even your own story. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic with diagnosed CPTSD with about seven years clean. It's only since I've been clean that I have started to deal with my CPTSD because I just basically numbed myself in any way I could because I was in so much pain. And it wasn't until I had my own child that it all started to come to the surface. But I have come a long way from where I was seven years ago and I am so proud of my progress. However, I am still far from where I want to be, mentally and emotionally speaking, so I am always seeking ways to improve. Your channel is just what I didn't know I needed and I thank you for that! I appreciate what you do so very much and I can't wait to share your videos with my therapist, I know she'll love them!! Thanks again!
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so true! I don't relate to/ click with "healthy people". We like people to are like us, and healthy people aren't like traumatized people.
I think another reason we feel more somatically comfortable around people who can be strange, is that "normal" people who have calm nervous systems cause us to calm down, which allows our suppressed feelings of shame / sadness / fear to surface.
Being around "strange" people can be a way for us to dissociate from our feelings.
OMG, that's it!
You feel like other traumatized or flawed people won't reject you because you're on an equal level and not the oddball. It's a self esteem thing to protect from rejection.
My younger sister gravitates toward the worst boyfriends and husbands. She has symptoms of BPD. I was told in a support group that BPD and CPTSD were basically the same, but after listening to this video, i don't think they're similar at all, except for picking crappy boyfriends.
There are overlapping symptoms but they are not the same.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have wandered I a lonely wilderness for 53 years , now thanks to you I know why and that I’m not just different to everyone else! You describe me in every video!!!!
So glad you found the channel! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am so touched by your background and at the same time so proud of how much you have overcome and I could say the same thing about me. My problem is that I keep encountering people who act like they are healed but their actions down the road show me they are anything but. I also find it hard witholding my past from fear of judgment by others. For example I was raped by my first boyfriend as a teen and kept silent about it for decades...I have a son through that highly traumatic and abusive relationship...I do not share that with others and when I did try to share it with very few I was treated differently by them...most people change towards me when they find out how old my son is and they calculate the obvious young age I had him at...I do not explain and sometimes do not talk about my son at all because I have really felt shamed and judged and hurt by numerous people. I have learned the hard way that one must choose who we open up to very very carefully. I love your channel for the possibility of being able to do that and I often get support, understanding and so much from others here who really get it. It is comforting and in a way healing also to be validated. Anyhow I just want to say thanks so much for all you share with us. God bless!
I think that deep suffering does make people more 3 dimensional if they know what happened and are trying to do better. There can be a 2 dimensionality about people who have had functional childhoods and are successful. Jordan Peterson says that really crappy childhood is what makes good artists. It can make us compassionate, it can make us creative. This is the great thing about suffering in the Christian narrative. Learning how to suffer see Thomas a Kempis can give us depth and compassion. I cannot relate to the people who are successful in the terms of the world but I can be loving and compassionate to everyone and not judge them for not having the extra dimensions that difficulties are meant to give us. Who would I be now if I had been nurtured, married well had children etc. Well not me. Being attracted to those who suffer is actually a quality as long as a degree of detachment has been attained and no desire to rescue them. My background has given me a love for poor people and I like that in me. I am financially stable myself. What is normal, what is successful? The ability to love. The most loving people I have met were poor - worldly success is good but the spiritual dangers are enormous too. Remember the rich man and the eye of a needle? Being successful in the terms of the Western world ......I want a loving heart. That is my aim.
Just beautiful. It gives another dimension to the idea of Christ's death and resurrection, a death through suffering and a rebirth into universal love and compassion. May God protect your heart and keep it pure.
Wow. Amazing truth here. Shame even causes me to preemptively prepare for everything in life from fear. I need then to unravel my brain and wait for the shame to settle down it's chatter while I continue to learn and grow. Eventually I can see what to do.......but I have needed to practice giving myself time to let it be a process. Sometimes, like today when sad news comes I still have to sit and just be for a while. Long story....
What a wonderful topic! Setting aside all of the trauma-driven behaviors, scars, wounds and free-floating psychological damage that interferes with my ability to make connections with anybody, the basic mechanics of a dysfunctional childhood make it almost impossible for me to find common ground with healthy people. Almost.
As a child, the healthy kids were playing sports and hanging out while I was busy devising survival strategies and stuffing my feelings.
As a teen, while the healthy kids were putting effort into things like getting into college, I was too busy being obsessed with fixing my family and trying to survive the present situation. The whole idea of a stable future was beyond my conception.
The healthy families socialized with each other. Everybody seemed to know everybody else. But anybody from a family like mine knows all too well why a dysfunctional family isolates.
I remember chatting with some women one grocery store check out line. One of them said, "I married a man just like my father." And I said, "Oh, honey," as I reached out to touch her arm in a sympathetic way and everybody looked at me .... they seemed confused.
Fortunately, after years a psychotherapy and intense 12-step work, I am feeling better.
Carla
Thanks for sharing your experience! So happy to hear you're beginning to feel better, that's incredible. -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you very much for sharing. Your point really makes sense too. When I was a child, the decent people were the people who were concerned for us kids, called CPS and so on. They meant well (what else could've they done?) but at that time they were the villains for us, trying to destroy our home. Love and respect to you, Fairy 💚🤗
Kinda Stockholm Syndrome/Trauma Bond like, no? I feel ya… That was an exact fear of mine as a child, no matter HOW bad my family actually was. Now the truth is painfully obvious to me…
@@Elya08 I don't think it works this way with little children. They are hard-wired to love their caregivers. There probably was a trauma bond too but a child is bonded to parents by their needs at the first place if you understand what I mean. That's one of the reasons why abandoning children is such a big deal.
You know, this is a tribe that I never would have desired to join - except that the frightened, introverted, so-serious oldest child who wasn't wanted from the moment of conception. And then there were three more after me, and sick grandparents living with us, and at the age of 5 or so, I became responsible for keeping the household under control so that my mother wouldn't have a screaming fit and in his words "it would make [his] life much better". What 5 year-old doesn't feel an incredible burden?