Anna... i have only discovered CPTSD and your videos 3-4 days ago, I knew i had something, I just wasn't sure what.?. My thought patterns are distorted.?. I aways figured i just had trouble with processing the situation/information, because most of the time it could take me longer to make a decision/decide, come to a conclusion.?. Sometimes after days of deliberation depending on the intensity of the issue and if i had experienced (as you say) emotional flashbacks!!!... just after viewing several of your videos I have been feeling so validated that I'm feeling like there is a glimpse of light at the end of this 62 year long.?. "tunnel of ???" A thousand words of description... Thank You... for your efforts
2 years ago I started explaining to people around me (when I didn't know what to tell them anymore, why I'm that way) that I'm like a dog from a shelter. I'm not a perfect puppy from Pet's mart. ...and I had no idea about child ptsd. My mom would love me one day, and then hate me, then love me and hug me crying how much she loved me, and then lock me in. Tell me I'm preety and then tell me I'm large, fat, disgusting. ...Noone can deal with a dog from shelter... I'm a good dog, but who cares. I look like a perfect puppy but I'm a shelter puppy. Do you think you deserve love? Asked therapist one day. I don't know.... but i feel I do.... Yes...I do...-I whispered silently.- yes! I DO! I almost screamed in overconfident way. Then change that. Start loving yourself. ...change? I've been seeing you for 6 months now, and I keep trying, so hard like never before. What else can I do? This is not a f.cking light switch. I want to know why I'm this way? What's wrong with me??? Where it comes from. I need to know why I'm not loving myself. ...silence... I stopped going there. Year later here I am. Thank you Anna. After the most difficult month of my life, most painful, some weird chances , yet magical changes happen on almost cellural level. I left narcissistic, abusive relationship guy. When he returned abruptively I didn't react...I didn't "love him" anymore. My mother is away, but close. Close in distance, but away from my heart. My "friends" are like friends from the past, I had to slowly disconnect, and when realized "slowly" is not a way out... I had to deattach, and I did. This may take very long time. This may result in lack of success... but we do love ourselves... deep inside we DO LOVE ourselves. Because we keep trying. I believe each of us will find a way. Your stories are like my best friends now. I feel you, I understand, I'm not walking away, and I believe in you guys. Friends don't pretend "it will be allright"... friends do help you GROW. CHANGE IS possible. It may be slow, but it is so rewarding...the process of grow is so rewarding. Anna, you are a big part of it. Thank you from all of us here 💓
My friend literally used to call me the nickname feral Phil haha. I want intimacy and connection so bad but inside I feel terror in my heart and in my soul. I missed out on life for years.
3:45-57! Spot on. I always moved away from "normies" and befriended people who were more traumatized than me because they seemed more authentic, more creative, more alive. At home "normal" meant controlling and out of touch, having an unchallenged ego and a "better than" attitude. Now I see this generalized misperception as the result of parental narcissism.
Yes! I can say that too. But also, that I feel more belonging with the same type of people than emotionally healthy people! But that is passing while I am healing 😊😊😊
I'm in the same boat. YES. So this. I either mistrust 'normies' or dislike them. It has diminished a bit over the years which hopefully is a sign of healing, I can interact better with them, but I still feel like they're a different species. Luckily, I'm not attracted to the 'bad boy' trope, but all my partners were at least mildly depressed and neurotic as well.
I had a weird perception of being weaker than everyone else even though that wasn't the case. During therapy my therapist explained that that's because a childhood of conflict with an adult taught me that I'm weaker and my adult brain reverts back to that. Takes a lot of work to shake that perception as an adult.
I can relate with this - I realised it only recently that it came from my mother's words from nearly 15 years ago. Human minds can have awfully long memories about the most wretched things.
This rings SOOOO true for me! ...The doubting of perceptions, the intermittent distortion of perceptions, the devaluation of gut instincts and boundaries... The oversharing of personal details, the recoil and isolation... Living in some alternate universe just outside of reality... Once in a great while, I find moments of feeling like I'm actually present and grounded in the current reality, and it's a strange, comforting experience. Like, oh, is this how healthy people feel most of the time? Is this why they're not exhausted and anxious and reactive and terrified and spiraling from shame and fear and vulnerability? It's a rare moment, but when it happens, it gives me hope that I might be able to overcome some of the patterns of damage and distortion in my programming.
I got MUGGED because I DIDN’T TRUST my GUT feeling! Fortunately I made it through just a little scuffed up- BUT it made me so disgusted with myself because I had a distinct feeling that the two teenage boys I passed were going to jump me! AND THEY DID right after I had told myself “it was just my imagination, I was being paranoid”!
The worst part about this is definitely not knowing the difference between gut feelings and anxiety. I can never tell the difference and it’s messing with my life. I have an opportunity right now that’s actually exciting in theory but I have an off feeling or anxiety and I can’t tell the difference and now I have no clue what I should be doing. It’s Terrible
This is a quality problem, and I relate so much! I encourage you to connect with someone you trust to get a second opinion on the opportunity. My Daily Practice can really help with discernment. I have a free mini-course where you can learn it. Have you tried it? courses-crappychildhoodfairy.com
If its not too late, I say go for it! Assess the risk & if you deem it so, try it. Win or lose it'll be a lesson learned & water under the bridge! You're not stupid for making a mistake, ya know!
What I try to do in situations like this is determine first of all if I really WANT to pursue the opportunity. If the desire is there but I'm "not sure" if I should go ahead, I try to get very clear about what the anxiety or discomfort is really about. Is it fear of failure or lack of confidence? Or is it about something external like "I'd love to do this but I can't afford the pay cut" or "I'd like to try this but not sure if husband will be on board or the hours won't work with my kids' schedule...etc..." In these cases, you can often work around your anxieties and self doubt. If I'm not sure if I really want it or not "looks good in theory but not sure if I really am interested" then the anxiety could be your body's way of reminding you that you aren't really interested in it and to try something different or simply not pursue it. If you're still not clear, try making it "more real". You can do this by gathering more info, talking to people who are doing the job or in a similar role, interviewing for the opportunity etc...and pay attention to your feelings--especially your first sense. As you get closer to the opportunity do you feel excited, at peace, happy....or do you feel uneasiness, hesitation, doubt...and it's not self-doubt as in low self-esteem or confidence. I have been in similar situations and it can be so hard to navigate through to clarity. I hope this helps...talking it out with a trusted person can be helpful. By the way....what did you ultimately decide to do?
Gina I don’t do it. I can’t trust myself in conflicts so I just don’t. I self isolate because I can’t deal with all of the confusion of what I’m suppose to do. Much of it is a trigger for PTSD. My mind is exhausted from it all. I garden and I stay home isolated. Somehow my gardens keep me at least knowing I can do something right. I feel like a huge failure.
In my twenties I used to be drawn to "characters," larger-than-life people who were fun to be with, until eventually I discovered when I needed something real, characters had no character. Always grateful for your videos. They really help. Thanks.
My mother drank. Ever since I can think she was addicted. Only much later in my adult live did I realize far more damaging than her drinking was her entourage telling me that it is not true, that I am wrong, an ungrateful and bad boy, how dare you be so disrespectful ... So for long I wouldn not trust my perception anymore or thought I had any at all ... Thank you Fairy for your videos, they are highly appreciated. Bless you.
My adoptive mother was a sociopath. She gaslighted the social workers into believing that she was this caring person who would raise me with love and attention. From the age of 7 (when I was adopted) to 21 when I finally managed to break free, I was her possession; her chosen victim. She intentionally made my life hard and difficult. She was sadistic. She felt nothing for me and showed no remorse for the hurt she caused. I self isolate to protect myself because there really are people who can pick up on my vulnerability and try to exploit it. It's happened too many times in adulthood for me to discern between people being genuinely nice and people wearing a mask. Hypervigilance is a resource. Keeping everyone at a distance is self-preservation. Am I lonely? No. Wouldn't it be nice to get out and have meaningful relationships? You have got to be kidding.
I am sorry about this. It sounds like it s a pattern with deep and strong roots. I wish you could find a safe way to let someone in your life. A friend 🌷
This is one of your videos I watch over and over, to drive home some of the most critical challenges I've long had: that I often don't know when to shut up already about myself and what I go through, to people I JUST met who haven't yet demonstrated they're ready for this info, while feeling desperate to be understood; to trust those who've demonstrated they're trustworthy and not "up to something;" and, as you say, learning to trust those with whom I can't relate well immediately, when they don't have a history like my family and me, of substance abuse, so "how could they possibly know what life is about." At 68, I've identified as "weird" so long, it's hard for me to build rapport with "normal" people. Even when they clearly value me. I've isolated myself in my own head by my "weirdness." I'm NOT weird; I'm a decent human being with some crossed wires. Thank you for putting all this into words.
I had a physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive childhood that when I did reach out for help it was never met with any resolution or help...the church the police cps ect...this has led me to a lifetime of abusive relationships and no sense of self worth, or control in changing my life for the better...It's also prevented me from reaching out for the help that I so desperately deserved and needed because I felt that noone cared and that I didn't deserve to be happy, heard and understood...Thank you for your compassionate and understanding to those of us who have been broken down by people and life and giving us the tools to rebuild, heal, and find our true selves
Every day I am more thankful for your insights. At 72 years old there was never anyone I could be honest about the fear and hatred of myself that festered inside me. It came out in multiple health issues. Even as old family relationship are crumbling, I see the glimmer of hope. God bless you and the work you do. You have provided a life line that I could not see.
I believe that my perceptions went off course as a result of believing that I WAS my trauma - that I deserved to have been rejected, shamed, not valued. This did not stem from family issues per se, but from my perception about myself and the world post trauma. My trauma was a grade retention, not an inner family crisis. Today, my self perception has improved greatly, yet is still drawn back to trauma when triggered by challenging current events. My gut feeling tends toward fear with each and every new setback; I view all changes as setbacks...things to fear...a disruption to my 'norm'. Clinging to a painful past, not letting it go fully, is my current focus for improvement. Others see something new with healthy anticipation, with curiosity, with a self-empowered gusto. I will, too.
this is one reason I am always asking my therapist is this "normal"? Even at 71 I still struggle with perception/s , relationships, etc. This is lifelong work.
Oh god. Its such a minefield. I've done all these things. Its so hard. Im in my 50s and only learnt I have CPTSD afer a break up and break down. Thank you for this validation. I am constanty trying to be in reality now. Its the only way that feels safe
In my case, I believe my mom was traumatized and then I was traumatized in turn by her. I knew some details of her early life, and felt sad for her and believed she couldn’t be held responsible for her behaviour as an adult. I thought that because I understood her, that I was immune to her negligence and judgements and temper. It didn’t feel good but I imagined a time would come when I would no longer be in her presence much and I’d be free and healthy. I really was stupefied when as an adult I couldn’t function socially. I didn’t know that I’d been twisted and that I had no idea how healthy people think or act or expect to be treated. I didn’t know what was going on. It’s been a life project and I’m still not entirely clear. What a waste of many lives. Who started this inter-generational mind F### anyway? My sisters are no better off BTW.
Feeling cheated too. Feeling bitter and despite a certain awareness and meditation nothing seems to change. My mother's trauma was passed on for me to marry a person that finished me emotionally. I am currently drained to the point of loss of direction.
Because I don't know how to convey feelings and I have no idea if what I am thinking is correct or the other person is correct and I am the cause of what's going on. My perception is skewed because I have trouble processing the information I am hearing. It's relentless.
I've caught my brain going through those changes so fast, it was too easy to misunderstand-or even miss awareness- of what I actually thought. I just past 68, and people, like you, help me articulate the posture I had actually taken, even now. Thanx
Dear Fairy....my father would always tell us, "don't do as I do, do as I say" He was a violent alcoholic, the life was so horrific my last therapist said my life was 'simply a tragedy.' So yes, my perceptions were and remain so skewed I now live alone. Not lonely, it's actually a relief at my age (68). Thank you for all you do here.
Thank you so much for doing what you do. I had a really bad childhood some toxicity still exists. And I tend to be in fight mode all the time and it’s so hard to control it
I feel like I can’t heal until my parents die and that’s a can of worms that makes me feel like shit because my job was to always make sure everyone was okay in the house. Why am I 30 and still taking care of my parents emotional needs above my own. I don’t even know me/who I am so that’s a lot to unpack in and of itself. Thank you for your videos, I am spiraling tonight and these are helping more than you know
Hallie Rose I hear you - the pink elephant - we agonize over not wanting to offend or hurt anyone while battling with the truth of what's going on...switching from blaming ourselves for being lazy and stupid to believing the people who hurt us when they tell us we're no different to anyone else and should just get over ourselves. It's a huge can of worms. I'm in my forties and my recommendation to you is that you zoom back in time to understand the trauma that caused their behavior...when you see life culturally and generationally from their point of view things rarely seem as dark or intentional. Takes a weight off when you can openly talk about the shift in behavior without placing blame at their feet alone...it makes it ok to talk about how it's impacted you and how you can see how it impacting them too. The world keeps turning ...the goal posts keep moving and it's time to coax the pink blush out of the elephant till he cools his heels and turns white again, adorned with wisdom and friendliness again. I don't know your circumstances but if you can approach the subject safely then Don't wait - it's too heavy a burden... Regarding not knowing yourself - I've been there too when we're loaded with anxiety and uncertainty there's no room for luxuries like self identity is there.... take the time ....do the work.. identity is well worth the time investment....and deep exploration is the only way out. Answer every question about every subject in your mind and enjoy the journey. You tube and Wikipedia are your friends in matters of natural science and soul. Spotify to reconnect to your musical art - beat :) Don't be afraid to fly but keep coming back to get grounded .
Maybe you should move away from them. Start your own life. I had to, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Of course theyll be really angry and may stop communicating .
@@hallierose36 i still had a mother who sent me hate mail, a father who didn't speak to me for 6 years, hateful siblings and a sex addict husband. But getting 3000 miles away was still a good change for me. The crazy husband was not a good choice. I was still making bad choices and my own worst enemy but I learned alot about myself that I wouldn't have if I had stayed close to hateful family
When my dad died I had a deep feeling that the worlds a better place now. Then everybody including my sister did that thing of saying what a great person he was, now that he's gone. I blew up, told the truth, and cut off the family. Very liberating.
Thank you for this channel you've created. Seeing the comments, I don't feel so alone with this. The information you give is rooted in your own experience, is greatly appreciated and the community that is here is made up of incredibly strong people fighting to survive a soul-crushing childhood.
A few weeks or months after starting therapy. I asked my therapist if his partner was ill. He looked shorter, skinnier. He was getting smaller. My therapist looked at me with a puzzled expression and said no.Soon all men were getting smaller. My filter got stuck at a younger age. That’s why they were shrinking now that therapy was adjusting the filters that had not matured. Fewer men made me uncomfortable. It was the first perceptive change I have experienced.
I have been slowly, but surely, uncovering and healing childhood trauma this year, and this absolutely hits home. As a 33-year-old man, I was in survival mode for most of my life as a child of divorce. One parent physically abusive, the other emotionally. My perception of reality was staying in a perpetual state of survival, which lasted until now. I have learned that healing is not a one-time thing, and issues will bubble up as you are working on it. The good thing is that you are able to question those thought patterns that bring you back into that survival mode, and generally you can pull yourself out of those feelings. Good luck, and much love to everyone dealing with trauma.
You must have been in my house. OMG. Later when I began healing & would bring anything up (not to blame) I was crazy and my mother didn't remember anything.
My mom said she didn’t remember, then said if it did happen, it wasn’t as bad as I made it seem, then threatened to counter my recollection with her own version of events if I told anyone. She’s gone now. It’s a long, hard road away from all that.
Is there any videos about sadness? I can't shake seeing everything in life through a melancholic lense. I have realized that I was sad most of my childhood due to circumstances and I can't get clear from the sad perspective.. even in a joyful experience.
Anna teaches how to get rid of fear, but sadness is a real emotion that isn't wrong to have. Here's the link to free course called 'the Daily Practice' bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy
Amazing, she is just describing my life in this one. Nailing down what therapists and i have been oblivious to. And then the sleepless nights and chainsmoking second guessing every big decision afterward. Anna its too late for me but I know you're saving lives here.
Everything I was taught as a child was a lie. Something as simple as crying, crying I was told is a weakness or painting and drawing is a waste of time.
Hard to tell the difference between intuition and fear in relationships, especially when the other person tells you what you want to hear and their moves don't mat6ch their words. In the end my intuition is always correct...yet I invest another six months or more ..so I want to learn to trust my instincts the first time. Being taught in childhood that your reality is NOT reality, as described in this video, makes you question whether or not you can trust your own perceptions. Very tricky. Thank you Anna!
Thank you. if nothing else I want to give other people that incredible experience of relief I had when I learned there is a name and a reason for the things that used to cause so much struggle in my life. Glad you are here!
I am 51 and self diagnosed cPTSD. The first video watched my soul. I put it on heading to work and with in the first 5 minutes was crying the rest of the way into work as I listened. I had finally found the answer to something that has plagued me my whole life and it was a complete expectation for everything. The parallels and understanding I have achieved listening to these stories and answer (to things I had no name for) have enlighten my understanding and changed my perception of what I thought was a train wreck of a life. My trauma stretches back to the age of 5. When my 2 brothers were sexualy molested by a family member. Let me be clear here. I have no actual memory of this happening. I do sometimes get pictures that flash in my mind the few times I have thought about it. But given the way I understood memory works I am not sure if they are real or images I have put thier as place holders. But I know it happened through discussion with family members.
There was more to follow but I am doing this on my phone. I am going to let it go there. Thank you for these videos. My biggest fear is I have passed this on to my children. 2 of them I know for sure. Just from past discussions. Although I have not actually begun a recovery process having this information has helped. It inspired me to reach out to them and try to point them in the right direction. I would save them from as many years suffering from this as I can. My ex as well. She stuck by me for 26 years. The longest anyone ever has. Up till a few days ago I though she was narcissistic. But that pattern did not show up till year 8. Now given the limited information I have and certain cycles we went through that I gave her PTSD as well. I reached out to her as well and informed her of what I found out through our son and I hope she finds the help she needs. If nothing else there was definitely trauma bonding going on with both sides. It almost killed me when she left. Or at least it felt that way. When I think of all the pain and suffering I have put out into the world it crushes me. When I think I might have done this to the people I love the most in the world... it is triggering. 8 am glad to have this information and will be looking into 9ptions but I think this video series will remain a staple. Thank you for what you do.
Your just awesome. My perception of reality is skewed from childhood. It kicks into fantasy land and has been the focal point of my relationship issues thru out the years. Thank you for your insight 😊
There is so much I wanna unpack and I feel like these videos just might help. In my family, “love” meant being beating up, pinched, slapped and yelled at for taking a certain way, rolling my eyes at my parents or giving them dirty looks, imitating what I saw and heard on TV, talking with an accent, doing badly in school, lying or joking around when I’m not supposed to be joking around…These days I don’t even like looking at them, my sister or anyone else in the eye for fear of being yelled at or worse. Even the thought of being yelled at for something like slamming a door or hitting something when I’m mad really sickens me! I just hope that by typing this, someone out there will understand I feel. I’ve only watched two of these videos and am already so grateful for them! Thank you and keep it up!
These types of family situations are awful. Sorry you have experienced that. Daily Practice can help with the understandable fears and resentments, and if you’re looking for more Anna has a longer course, Healing CPTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy
YOU GOOD ......all stages I've gone through .....and my perception were off. Now a days.......MUCH clearer and stronger, in tune with feelings, thoughts based in the moment and reality.
Village of the damned, the part where the guy builds a mental brick wall inside his mind. That's what I would do when I was a child build a fortress of brick walls layer after layer no one could touch me they could scream at me cuss at me. Call me all kinds of names, but I just shut down and heard nothing and became invisible. Love is the only thing that can penetrate the walls and that's only because you willingly opened the gate. Fool because that's the precise moment they thrust the spear of betrayal into your heart. Then if you survived that then you no longer can live inside the walls because the walls turn against you. I think Jordan B. Peterson talks about the snakes in the garden. They have a way of finding their way in. No matter how high you build the walls.
@Listen Linda I Am Quite Aware where I've come from disorganized attachment disorder entwined with shame accompanied with its companions fear and guilt the trilogy. Mindfulness the world has a way of triggering people who have come from a brutalized childhood but standing still and watching your own mind go insane and not allowing yourself to fall into the abyss can be challenging at times and very tiresome. I do medical transport and I see people who I transport to methadone Suboxone clinics who have not even begun to understand the emotional trauma that they have experienced let alone putting it into words. Their minds were hardwired to an environment that served them well a survival style. Problem is when that environment no longer exists the mind still think it's in that environment so rewiring the mind through knowledge biofeedback EMDR may be will help. I know how to express myself. But be careful of the narcissistic sociopaths that's another level of insanity that I can't be around. Then there's the negative emotions are closely tied to self-doubt for me I doubt everything even my own existence in fact a study published in child development found that children who suffer from high levels of anxiety and depression were more likely to experience self-doubt negative past of experiences can also cause self-doubt long after you think the experiences resolved. But life is beautiful if you look outside your own madness.
Gooey duck you just described it perfectly. I never could. I’m running out of safe places for Godssake. “Wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified, I don’t want to live this way but I don’t want to die”. Vampire Weekends Harmony Hall. I listen to it over and over ....
This is such an accurate description of this grief process. I am now at the point of realizing I can no longer live within the walls after experiencing being seen, it makes the suffering even greater...more raw. How did we survive this long?
I am mystified by how often I have to ask myself as an adult "did that just happen' ? Sometimes to the point where I not only question my own perception but reality itself. I am beginning to see out how CPTSD has warped my thought process as an adult. As a child I always had to "adjust" for the actions that were beyond my scope of understanding to create a sense of personal safety in what were actually dangerous or harmful situations. It was my only protection from the adults who were supposed to be protecting me. This seems to be the core of mistrust in others, need for control and shame in myself. I am choosing this as a goal to work on in my journey to healing. My challenge is to find a way to break it down into manageable pieces and set realistic expectations for progress. These little videos are making more sense than all the time I have spent in and out of therapy over the past decades. Thank you for all the inspiration and empathy you are sharing with us.
Distinguishing the true from the false can be daunting for us. This exercise has helped me so much courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice -Cara@TeamFairy
It's confusing because it doesn't seem like my childhood was all that bad, but I relate to everything you say. And both my brother and I ended up in abusive marriages (both also out now).
I have always been unable to draw a boundary separating my obligations from my entitlements. In the last 10 years I have made great progress at this, and it has been accomplished by, as you put it, living in reality.
So this. She is the first youtuber that I have found to even mark this as an issue. Seeing this just gives me so much hope that there may be things I can do to get better at this. I didn't even have the words to describe this problem.
So hard to know what’s up if the perception is wrong!! Impossible to assess a situation when we are triggered! Is it me? Is it them?? Wow!! Thank you!!
We ignore, dismiss and give excuses to major relationship red flags to the point of total self destruction and tradgedy. Not to mention another load of devastating trauma. Its insanly unfair but the only way is to move forward and do the hard work to self correct. Best to everyone with the courage to try. 💗
Crappy Childhood Fairy I love you because you wrote that to her. And because a random stumbling on one of your videos taught me this was a thing and explained a lot.
Well you've found your tribe @Bonnie. I'm glad you're here. Healing is possible. I have a lot of videos and even a course about relationships. People don't talk about the effect of trauma on relationships nearly as much as is needed!
I'll be 60 years old my next birthday.I've always told myself all I ever wanted was peace of mind and to feel loved.You are telling my story I can't believe it.I grew up in a very violent situation as now I know was abuse and neglect. A raging alcoholic Father and a Mother who couldn't protect me i'm sure out of fear.It all caused me to push people away starting at 15 after my girlfriend moved to Germany from the States.I never knew how to tell her what my household was really like and like I always did I stuffed the pain.What I'm trying to say is there is so much shame that comes with growing up that way and you just don't learn or have the tools that you need as a kid so you hide it.You learn not to express your real feelings.I so wish i would of known what to do for myself all those years ago as it's still with me.These videos tell my truth and I feel for every person commenting we all deserved better.In some odd way it is comforting to know there are others out here who experienced childhood trauma,it's sad to because not everybody gets to realize their true potential because of this mess we're left to deal with.
thank you so much for making these videos. your past sounds exactly like me, but you give me hope that I can get better and be healthy. i hope to be as warm and stable as you one day
Ive been in therapy since 16yrs old and im hitting 57 next yr! and I Still do Not feel healed!! Lord help!! Thanks for sharing yr knowledge!! and experiences.
Came across your videos when I fell down the You Tube rabbit hole...taken me 59 years to put a name to it so thank you for the enlightenment explains many many things for me x
I have complex ptsd but in Norway where I live , complex ptsd is not an diagnoses yet. So i Get treatment for ptsd. But i have multiple trauma. Not a single trauma. And I feel angry because I won’t get the right treatment. Watching your videos about complex ptsd I feel everything is right for me. My therapist gave me the diagnosis.
I HIGHLY value the truth - good decisions can be made knowing it . My family of origin represent the biggest house of lies in my life . I don't see the value they put on putting forth a false self . The BIG FAKE is acted out for the benefit of people who don't know them .
Excellent information. I would have kived hearing this at least 25 years ago.😢 I was aware i struggled with this. And managed to accept all. Be nice anyway.
I had a physically and emotionally drunk dad I have problems with perception as you are saying. Thank you I think this the first time I've ever said it out loud.I now understand a bit more of who I am and what makes me act like I do.
Lies and manipulation. I did not understand that this was happening to me until I was over 60! My body knew. I froze, like you said, when something "good" was offered me because somehow my unaware self knew that this was manipulation. Problem is, whether I recognize something as a lie or not, I did not develop the personal skills necessary to exist in human interaction. Too late for me, but maybe your work will open someone's eyes who can process this awareness. Us old folk are supposed to know this stuff and I just do not. I still can't recognize what is truth or not.
@fredworthman, every day is a chance to get some clarity! Don't write yourself off yet! I have a free online mini-course to help with this -- worth a try! courses-crappychildhoodfairy.com
62 and still recovering. Same thing, the mindless freeze response Tried everything from therapy to EST to Jesus over the years to fix myself and a lot of it helped, but I never really understood until Anna runkel. I would say I switched from fearing people to loving people in my late 30s.
I just had another argument with someone I'm working on rebuilding a relationship with over this exact issue. Does it get easier the more you work on it? It's exhausting having to keep up with my own perception issues as well as pay attention to what another person is saying to me..I've been in a safe, stable, self-sufficient situation for over a year now and the way my entire reality turns end over end from day to day is extremely disorienting. I've noticed it's harder for me to keep my emotions and mental talk in check when I'm physically tired, and I work a very physically demanding job. x.x
I do understand what you meant but, responsibility and guilt are not always one in the same. I’ve experienced this in the corporate world where, because you may be assigned the task of fixing something, it is often perceived as guilt being one in the same. There’s a push for it. Like, “It is you or your department that made this error.” You can think so, if you like, but my despite the fact that we are being assigned the task of fixing it now, does not at all mean that we’re guilty for the error, when our department didn’t exist back then and I was working for another company anyway. In dealing with narcissists and also just plain perceptions, one of the things I’m glad about is that the way we communicate more often, nowadays, leaves a trail. There are have been a few times where, although my memory certainly isn’t perfect, I’ve seen people forget things, which is fair and fine, but it seems to get to the very expedient point of gaslighting. That, it’s not that what wasn’t said actually was or that an event actually happened, but more like they look at you like you’ve lost your mind. And, if it weren’t for things like my Ring doorbell, police being involved, emails, text, heck yeah, I’d think I was losing my mind, too. A lot of people might experienced this, when it comes to obtaining tech support, as well. That IT can be very quick to tell you that your issue is due to “user error” and it, then, becomes up to you to almost not prove you’re seeing things, by producing evidence, like a reproduction of errors you received or screenshots to literally prove your “case”. Of course, in dealing with an actual narcissist, like my mother, that’s an alternate reality. No amount of evidence, from me or the police, is enough for her to consider her actions. Before I told her to never contact me again the other day, she even told me that someone is influencing me. I guess I start to wonder, if we’re becoming a more narcissistic society, how quickly insidious it has become to not only prove someone else is wrong, but to work to make them feel as if they’ve lost their mind, working to ruin their reputation and literally eat them from the inside out. Sadly, as I see so much of this happening, so very quickly, I feel more and more at ease being a recluse.
Yes, confusion, misperception, unable to express fully due to fear of xyz, trying to see self through others....all of it. Therefore inability to decide, take risks and responsibility, otherwise rash, adventurous, sincere, but restless and chaotic. Such turbulence and stuckness I've lived!!
My dad uses lies to catch his kids in lies or get what he wants, as a way to test us. He still sees nothing wrong with it and cant understand why sometimes i blow my top at his stupid crap. He once used my grandma's supposed state well being as a way to manipulate me. He told me something was wrong with her. She was fine at the time, but it left a lasting impression on me so many years later what kind of man he is especially because he sees nothig wrong with that type of thing.
I am sincerely shook by this...all of your CPTSD videos describe me almost to a LETTER. How can I find the right therapy for this? The other times I've tried therapy it felt like my therapist couldn't see me and I ended up invalidated and retraumatized.
Yes. This is so true for me. I used to really be suspicious of emotional healthy people...my default is to gaslight myself but I challenge those thoughts now. Just thought...is that the opposite of CBT?!
My wife and I waited until late 30s to have children because we knew I needed to recover from my childhood enough to avoid passing on the curse. Giving them a happy, emotionally clean childhood turned out to be best thing in my whole life. Revealing: my mom always said "you're being too nice to them".
Yes fairy so true all what you said digital thinking catastrophic mind waves. Now only think positive and pray to be truthful and Jesus has been kind have been quite confident since last 5 years.
Or the dysfunctional “family” table.... always being ignored and overlooked... constantly compared to your successful cousins that you have never met or feeling invisible to your siblings issues that actually did have an affect on you... while going through your own issues with no where to turn to and being emotionally neglected and screamed at when you do ask for help.
No. Some stylists do purposely mess you up. Some do purposefully cut your ear. Some do give you exactly what you do not want. And, they know who they can get away with doing that to. Same as nurses.
Well there ARE the people that understand and feel the same way! And that has helped me to NOT feel isolated and that I’m somewhat normal. this is way too healed for my brain to grasp. I only keep hearing “I’m defective.” I have grown tremendously and have gained so much wisdom over the years . ICANNOT ,NOW identify with being a worm because someone has taken my life experience and put it into labels. Once More, I’m somehow not normal. Starting all over again, AGAIN AT my age? I can’t . Even if I have to use different terminology. So, you are the healed and whole and worthy of being heard. Will we ever graduate? When was it that YOU Did and recieved your crown? I’m so happy for you that you became a productive worthy woman. I never can be. I’ve tried. Woman either steamroll me or feel sorry for me. I try and shoe respect ect. And they tell me I have low self esteem all the while I’ve been covering their nakedness . I can’t win. I see me and woman like you. No in between.
Helpful video. I thought I was alone in these feelings of social confusion. Mum has Facticious disorder, Queen of the Gaslight. Is it fair to say that all childhood abuse and neglect lead to Facticious beliefs and reaction thinking?
I resonate with this SO much! My family dynamics were the fact that I live in a house where every one is really smart and are either Adhd'rs or OCD'rs then theres me, the baby, with both as a comorbidity...yay.... So man do we love each other but man did we have some, what I like to call "adhd fights"..impulsivity and emotional dysregulation is a wonderful thing aint it? My dad and my big brother especially. No abuse just constant arguments. Not to say that that hasn't effected me greatly but what I consider my "BIG" traumas happened in college with the NCAA...could've ended in a big lawsuit but I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to truly face it. This is an unfortunate reality for a good % of college athletes. current/former. I ended up isolating. I'm in process of allowing myself to mindfully observe my behaviors. To be honest, sorry to any who disagree, but marijuana has helped ground me through some of this process. I'm not saying it's a cure-all for me nor will I end up using it for every situation in the future. I'm also not saying that it's not fun to indulge for fun purposes. At the moment I am just using it as a tool to ground me and to help me through my executive functions issue (i.e. adhd, ocd lol) I'm aware that adhd, ocd and ptsd in general can share similar symptoms and enhance the symptoms of one another but with the mindful observation of my behavior I'm recognizing the situations where I'm doing one thing, not because I'm anxious, but because I'm trying to concentrate and I just need to fidget. So then, after recognizing that, I start to feel better, less ashamed of my current behavior, a slight sense of self love. I've also learned that with comorbid adhd/ocd in general one fidget at a time is not always enough lol! I also understand why I'm so sentimental and why it's so hard to clean and get rid of stuff. I can honestly say that a true fear of mine is that I'm going to be retraumatized and become a hoarder....I do have hoarding tendencies, which now I'm less ashamed of because I can recognize it! I finally asked my best friend what she thought about all this and she told me how my personality totally changed a few years ago. She knows me better than anyone and has cptsd, adhd, and onset Tourette's. Yet she was holding my hand through this all. Last year I also found out, through a genetic enzyme test, that my body doesn't metabolize SSRI's correctly. So I was being unintentionally medically mistreated. In college, my doctors thought I had adhd, anxiety and depression. They treated my depression symptoms. When in reality, my anxiety, and adhd burnout caused depression symptoms. Not to say I wasn't legitimately depressed sometimes though. So while trying to be treated for the last 7 years, I essentially...wasn't.. Till now though! Haha better late then never, right? I consider myself an external processor and finally understand that I'm a very somatic learner. I'm learning a lot. I understand that there is no One right way to heal. Everyone has their own novel to live:) I'm also in the process of finding a councilor that's a best fit for me. Sorry this is so convoluted/pathological...and for the fact that I'm kinda doing what you mentioned in the video (questioning my perception) I just find it hard, but am learning, to convey my story and parts of it without scaring the other person away but without belittling the severity of what it is we go through sometimes..if that makes sense? I'm also aware that you've probably answered a lot of my "internal" questions in other videos but this is the one I'm on so far lol. Well anyways! Thank you for listening!
After discovering I’d been married to a narcissist for 33 years...I realised my perception was so wrong. 15 months later now I stumble on this info...Omg
Lately have taken the opportunity to pause videos to study faces, what emotion do I see. Mostly it has been a grind of a practice, pushing myself to choose one of the 70+ feeling verbs. Then took the exercise to the recording of a telescope building class. The professor was famous, entertaining, and kindly. Looking a the students faces I did not read excitement, thrill, gratitude, I saw disinterest. If I were speaker, on a difficult day I may have said , " If you don't want to be here- leave'. These were fortunate people in a rich educational experience. How many times have I been with people who were positive for more conversation, but I stopped contributing because of the perceptions of a negative response?
Anna... i have only discovered CPTSD and your videos 3-4 days ago, I knew i had something, I just wasn't sure what.?. My thought patterns are distorted.?. I aways figured i just had trouble with processing the situation/information, because most of the time it could take me longer to make a decision/decide, come to a conclusion.?. Sometimes after days of deliberation depending on the intensity of the issue and if i had experienced (as you say) emotional flashbacks!!!... just after viewing several of your videos I have been feeling so validated that I'm feeling like there is a glimpse of light at the end of this 62 year long.?. "tunnel of ???" A thousand words of description... Thank You... for your efforts
Thank you! Glad you made it here!
With you too 🦋
Some of us are like cats tortured as kittens, we turn "feral", and will no longer trust humans, and avoid them if at all possible.
2 years ago I started explaining to people around me (when I didn't know what to tell them anymore, why I'm that way) that I'm like a dog from a shelter.
I'm not a perfect puppy from Pet's mart. ...and I had no idea about child ptsd.
My mom would love me one day, and then hate me, then love me and hug me crying how much she loved me, and then lock me in. Tell me I'm preety and then tell me I'm large, fat, disgusting.
...Noone can deal with a dog from shelter... I'm a good dog, but who cares. I look like a perfect puppy but I'm a shelter puppy.
Do you think you deserve love? Asked therapist one day.
I don't know.... but i feel I do.... Yes...I do...-I whispered silently.- yes! I DO! I almost screamed in overconfident way.
Then change that. Start loving yourself.
...change? I've been seeing you for 6 months now, and I keep trying, so hard like never before. What else can I do? This is not a f.cking light switch.
I want to know why I'm this way? What's wrong with me??? Where it comes from. I need to know why I'm not loving myself.
...silence...
I stopped going there.
Year later here I am. Thank you Anna.
After the most difficult month of my life, most painful, some weird chances , yet magical changes happen on almost cellural level.
I left narcissistic, abusive relationship guy. When he returned abruptively I didn't react...I didn't "love him" anymore.
My mother is away, but close. Close in distance, but away from my heart.
My "friends" are like friends from the past, I had to slowly disconnect, and when realized "slowly" is not a way out... I had to deattach, and I did.
This may take very long time. This may result in lack of success... but we do love ourselves... deep inside we DO LOVE ourselves.
Because we keep trying.
I believe each of us will find a way. Your stories are like my best friends now.
I feel you, I understand, I'm not walking away, and I believe in you guys. Friends don't pretend "it will be allright"... friends do help you GROW.
CHANGE IS possible.
It may be slow, but it is so rewarding...the process of grow is so rewarding.
Anna, you are a big part of it.
Thank you from all of us here 💓
Yep, I consider myself a hermit. No longer interested in people.
Facts.
Yep
My friend literally used to call me the nickname feral Phil haha. I want intimacy and connection so bad but inside I feel terror in my heart and in my soul. I missed out on life for years.
3:45-57! Spot on. I always moved away from "normies" and befriended people who were more traumatized than me because they seemed more authentic, more creative, more alive. At home "normal" meant controlling and out of touch, having an unchallenged ego and a "better than" attitude. Now I see this generalized misperception as the result of parental narcissism.
Yes! I can say that too. But also, that I feel more belonging with the same type of people than emotionally healthy people! But that is passing while I am healing 😊😊😊
Yes very true I can totally understood what you said because I have also gone through this gaslight that abnormal is normal and normal is abnormal
I 1000000000% have CPTSD, no doubt about it is my issue
Very well put, I can totally relate.
I'm in the same boat. YES. So this. I either mistrust 'normies' or dislike them. It has diminished a bit over the years which hopefully is a sign of healing, I can interact better with them, but I still feel like they're a different species. Luckily, I'm not attracted to the 'bad boy' trope, but all my partners were at least mildly depressed and neurotic as well.
I had a weird perception of being weaker than everyone else even though that wasn't the case. During therapy my therapist explained that that's because a childhood of conflict with an adult taught me that I'm weaker and my adult brain reverts back to that. Takes a lot of work to shake that perception as an adult.
I can relate with this - I realised it only recently that it came from my mother's words from nearly 15 years ago. Human minds can have awfully long memories about the most wretched things.
This rings SOOOO true for me! ...The doubting of perceptions, the intermittent distortion of perceptions, the devaluation of gut instincts and boundaries... The oversharing of personal details, the recoil and isolation... Living in some alternate universe just outside of reality... Once in a great while, I find moments of feeling like I'm actually present and grounded in the current reality, and it's a strange, comforting experience. Like, oh, is this how healthy people feel most of the time? Is this why they're not exhausted and anxious and reactive and terrified and spiraling from shame and fear and vulnerability? It's a rare moment, but when it happens, it gives me hope that I might be able to overcome some of the patterns of damage and distortion in my programming.
This is a great sign that you have a good place to "go to." Keep up the good work!
I got MUGGED because I DIDN’T TRUST my GUT feeling!
Fortunately I made it through just a little scuffed up- BUT it made me so disgusted with myself because I had a distinct feeling that the two teenage boys I passed were going to jump me!
AND THEY DID right after I had told myself “it was just my imagination, I was being paranoid”!
Same here...
It’s unbelievable at times how often I’ve been doing this. Thank you so much. ❤️🩹
I was sexually assaulted at 18 in broad daylight because I ignored my intuition.
The worst part about this is definitely not knowing the difference between gut feelings and anxiety. I can never tell the difference and it’s messing with my life. I have an opportunity right now that’s actually exciting in theory but I have an off feeling or anxiety and I can’t tell the difference and now I have no clue what I should be doing. It’s Terrible
This is a quality problem, and I relate so much! I encourage you to connect with someone you trust to get a second opinion on the opportunity. My Daily Practice can really help with discernment. I have a free mini-course where you can learn it. Have you tried it? courses-crappychildhoodfairy.com
If its not too late, I say go for it! Assess the risk & if you deem it so, try it. Win or lose it'll be a lesson learned & water under the bridge! You're not stupid for making a mistake, ya know!
What I try to do in situations like this is determine first of all if I really WANT to pursue the opportunity. If the desire is there but I'm "not sure" if I should go ahead, I try to get very clear about what the anxiety or discomfort is really about. Is it fear of failure or lack of confidence? Or is it about something external like "I'd love to do this but I can't afford the pay cut" or "I'd like to try this but not sure if husband will be on board or the hours won't work with my kids' schedule...etc..." In these cases, you can often work around your anxieties and self doubt. If I'm not sure if I really want it or not "looks good in theory but not sure if I really am interested" then the anxiety could be your body's way of reminding you that you aren't really interested in it and to try something different or simply not pursue it. If you're still not clear, try making it "more real". You can do this by gathering more info, talking to people who are doing the job or in a similar role, interviewing for the opportunity etc...and pay attention to your feelings--especially your first sense. As you get closer to the opportunity do you feel excited, at peace, happy....or do you feel uneasiness, hesitation, doubt...and it's not self-doubt as in low self-esteem or confidence. I have been in similar situations and it can be so hard to navigate through to clarity. I hope this helps...talking it out with a trusted person can be helpful. By the way....what did you ultimately decide to do?
Gina I don’t do it. I can’t trust myself in conflicts so I just don’t. I self isolate because I can’t deal with all of the confusion of what I’m suppose to do. Much of it is a trigger for PTSD. My mind is exhausted from it all. I garden and I stay home isolated. Somehow my gardens keep me at least knowing I can do something right. I feel like a huge failure.
@@marilynhoward173 So helpful. Thank you for sharing!
In my twenties I used to be drawn to "characters," larger-than-life people who were fun to be with, until eventually I discovered when I needed something real, characters had no character. Always grateful for your videos. They really help. Thanks.
Yes, I relate! Thanks!
Omg. Same. I still am. In fact I feel larger than life sometimes, or I'd like to think I am.
My mother drank. Ever since I can think she was addicted. Only much later in my adult live did I realize far more damaging than her drinking was her entourage telling me that it is not true, that I am wrong, an ungrateful and bad boy, how dare you be so disrespectful ... So for long I wouldn not trust my perception anymore or thought I had any at all ... Thank you Fairy for your videos, they are highly appreciated. Bless you.
Thank you. I relate to you.
Praying you heal and lead a joyful life Amen
My adoptive mother was a sociopath. She gaslighted the social workers into believing that she was this caring person who would raise me with love and attention. From the age of 7 (when I was adopted) to 21 when I finally managed to break free, I was her possession; her chosen victim. She intentionally made my life hard and difficult. She was sadistic. She felt nothing for me and showed no remorse for the hurt she caused. I self isolate to protect myself because there really are people who can pick up on my vulnerability and try to exploit it. It's happened too many times in adulthood for me to discern between people being genuinely nice and people wearing a mask. Hypervigilance is a resource. Keeping everyone at a distance is self-preservation. Am I lonely? No. Wouldn't it be nice to get out and have meaningful relationships? You have got to be kidding.
@ Peter Mc Ewan : totally get it.
I am sorry about this. It sounds like it s a pattern with deep and strong roots. I wish you could find a safe way to let someone in your life. A friend 🌷
I am so sad to hear about your adoptive mother. You truly deserved better
This is one of your videos I watch over and over, to drive home some of the most critical challenges I've long had: that I often don't know when to shut up already about myself and what I go through, to people I JUST met who haven't yet demonstrated they're ready for this info, while feeling desperate to be understood; to trust those who've demonstrated they're trustworthy and not "up to something;" and, as you say, learning to trust those with whom I can't relate well immediately, when they don't have a history like my family and me, of substance abuse, so "how could they possibly know what life is about." At 68, I've identified as "weird" so long, it's hard for me to build rapport with "normal" people. Even when they clearly value me. I've isolated myself in my own head by my "weirdness." I'm NOT weird; I'm a decent human being with some crossed wires. Thank you for putting all this into words.
I had a physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive childhood that when I did reach out for help it was never met with any resolution or help...the church the police cps ect...this has led me to a lifetime of abusive relationships and no sense of self worth, or control in changing my life for the better...It's also prevented me from reaching out for the help that I so desperately deserved and needed because I felt that noone cared and that I didn't deserve to be happy, heard and understood...Thank you for your compassionate and understanding to those of us who have been broken down by people and life and giving us the tools to rebuild, heal, and find our true selves
Every day I am more thankful for your insights. At 72 years old there was never anyone I could be honest about the fear and hatred of myself that festered inside me. It came out in multiple health issues. Even as old family relationship are crumbling, I see the glimmer of hope. God bless you and the work you do. You have provided a life line that I could not see.
So glad you found us, there is more community and support in the membership program bit.ly/2rukHvh . Thanks for being here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I believe that my perceptions went off course as a result of believing that I WAS my trauma - that I deserved to have been rejected, shamed, not valued. This did not stem from family issues per se, but from my perception about myself and the world post trauma. My trauma was a grade retention, not an inner family crisis. Today, my self perception has improved greatly, yet is still drawn back to trauma when triggered by challenging current events. My gut feeling tends toward fear with each and every new setback; I view all changes as setbacks...things to fear...a disruption to my 'norm'. Clinging to a painful past, not letting it go fully, is my current focus for improvement. Others see something new with healthy anticipation, with curiosity, with a self-empowered gusto. I will, too.
this is one reason I am always asking my therapist is this "normal"? Even at 71 I still struggle with perception/s , relationships, etc. This is lifelong work.
Yes, it’s strange, unsettling.
How long have u known about cptsd??
Oh god. Its such a minefield. I've done all these things. Its so hard. Im in my 50s and only learnt I have CPTSD afer a break up and break down. Thank you for this validation. I am constanty trying to be in reality now. Its the only way that feels safe
Yay! Reality is our friend!
In my case, I believe my mom was traumatized and then I was traumatized in turn by her. I knew some details of her early life, and felt sad for her and believed she couldn’t be held responsible for her behaviour as an adult. I thought that because I understood her, that I was immune to her negligence and judgements and temper. It didn’t feel good but I imagined a time would come when I would no longer be in her presence much and I’d be free and healthy. I really was stupefied when as an adult I couldn’t function socially. I didn’t know that I’d been twisted and that I had no idea how healthy people think or act or expect to be treated. I didn’t know what was going on. It’s been a life project and I’m still not entirely clear. What a waste of many lives. Who started this inter-generational mind F### anyway? My sisters are no better off BTW.
I know, right! It's been a life long struggle. Now in my 50s and pretty healthy I feel cheated from so many wasted years of could have beens..
Feeling cheated too. Feeling bitter and despite a certain awareness and meditation nothing seems to change. My mother's trauma was passed on for me to marry a person that finished me emotionally. I am currently drained to the point of loss of direction.
Amen all!!! It’s like all three of you were reading my mind! Thank you for confirming my sanity. (relatively speaking)
Thank goodness you are here on youtube. You are telling my story. It is/was exactly like that.
You are so wise about these things, it's crazy how much you offer the world
Everything you say, can and WILL be used against you. Living is like being in Court 24/7...
Because I don't know how to convey feelings and I have no idea if what I am thinking is correct or the other person is correct and I am the cause of what's going on. My perception is skewed because I have trouble processing the information I am hearing. It's relentless.
That’s no kidding!!
I've caught my brain going through those changes so fast, it was too easy to misunderstand-or even miss awareness- of what I actually thought. I just past 68, and people, like you, help me articulate the posture I had actually taken, even now. Thanx
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear Fairy....my father would always tell us, "don't do as I do, do as I say" He was a violent alcoholic, the life was so horrific my last therapist said my life was 'simply a tragedy.' So yes, my perceptions were and remain so skewed I now live alone. Not lonely, it's actually a relief at my age (68). Thank you for all you do here.
If you are finding relief, that is wonderful. Glad you are here.
Thank you so much for doing what you do. I had a really bad childhood some toxicity still exists. And I tend to be in fight mode all the time and it’s so hard to control it
I'm glad you're here @Alexandra!
Oh my goodness! This is spot on! I’ve turned myself into a complete hermit because of my lack of ability to perceive.
I feel like I can’t heal until my parents die and that’s a can of worms that makes me feel like shit because my job was to always make sure everyone was okay in the house. Why am I 30 and still taking care of my parents emotional needs above my own. I don’t even know me/who I am so that’s a lot to unpack in and of itself.
Thank you for your videos, I am spiraling tonight and these are helping more than you know
Hallie Rose I hear you - the pink elephant - we agonize over not wanting to offend or hurt anyone while battling with the truth of what's going on...switching from blaming ourselves for being lazy and stupid to believing the people who hurt us when they tell us we're no different to anyone else and should just get over ourselves. It's a huge can of worms. I'm in my forties and my recommendation to you is that you zoom back in time to understand the trauma that caused their behavior...when you see life culturally and generationally from their point of view things rarely seem as dark or intentional. Takes a weight off when you can openly talk about the shift in behavior without placing blame at their feet alone...it makes it ok to talk about how it's impacted you and how you can see how it impacting them too. The world keeps turning ...the goal posts keep moving and it's time to coax the pink blush out of the elephant till he cools his heels and turns white again, adorned with wisdom and friendliness again. I don't know your circumstances but if you can approach the subject safely then Don't wait - it's too heavy a burden...
Regarding not knowing yourself - I've been there too when we're loaded with anxiety and uncertainty there's no room for luxuries like self identity is there.... take the time ....do the work.. identity is well worth the time investment....and deep exploration is the only way out. Answer every question about every subject in your mind and enjoy the journey. You tube and Wikipedia are your friends in matters of natural science and soul. Spotify to reconnect to your musical art - beat :) Don't be afraid to fly but keep coming back to get grounded .
Maybe you should move away from them. Start your own life. I had to, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Of course theyll be really angry and may stop communicating .
@@amber40494 girl - I left 10+ years ago, distance and time do not change much in my situation unfortunately
@@hallierose36 i still had a mother who sent me hate mail, a father who didn't speak to me for 6 years, hateful siblings and a sex addict husband. But getting 3000 miles away was still a good change for me. The crazy husband was not a good choice. I was still making bad choices and my own worst enemy but I learned alot about myself that I wouldn't have if I had stayed close to hateful family
When my dad died I had a deep feeling that the worlds a better place now. Then everybody including my sister did that thing of saying what a great person he was, now that he's gone. I blew up, told the truth, and cut off the family. Very liberating.
The damage in my perception is huge ..thanks for giving some additional insight
It gets better!
Your TMI is our life raft ...bless you Anna 🙏🙏✨🥰
Yeesss indeed! 🥰🤩😅
Thank you for this channel you've created. Seeing the comments, I don't feel so alone with this. The information you give is rooted in your own experience, is greatly appreciated and the community that is here is made up of incredibly strong people fighting to survive a soul-crushing childhood.
Thank you @Dana!
Thank you. This is exactly what my parents did - I cannot believe that lying to children is encouraged like that.
Good to be an adult sometimes, isn't it? No longer at the direct of effect of those hurts.
A few weeks or months after starting therapy. I asked my therapist if his partner was ill. He looked shorter, skinnier. He was getting smaller. My therapist looked at me with a puzzled expression and said no.Soon all men were getting smaller. My filter got stuck at a younger age. That’s why they were shrinking now that therapy was adjusting the filters that had not matured. Fewer men made me uncomfortable. It was the first perceptive change I have experienced.
:)
I have been slowly, but surely, uncovering and healing childhood trauma this year, and this absolutely hits home. As a 33-year-old man, I was in survival mode for most of my life as a child of divorce. One parent physically abusive, the other emotionally. My perception of reality was staying in a perpetual state of survival, which lasted until now.
I have learned that healing is not a one-time thing, and issues will bubble up as you are working on it. The good thing is that you are able to question those thought patterns that bring you back into that survival mode, and generally you can pull yourself out of those feelings. Good luck, and much love to everyone dealing with trauma.
You must have been in my house. OMG. Later when I began healing & would bring anything up (not to blame) I was crazy and my mother didn't remember anything.
Sandra Strausbaugh this exactly, when I try and speak to my mother she says I’m remembering it wrong and I’m crazy like my dad...
My mom said she didn’t remember, then said if it did happen, it wasn’t as bad as I made it seem, then threatened to counter my recollection with her own version of events if I told anyone. She’s gone now. It’s a long, hard road away from all that.
Again...the best psycho education on youtube.
Is there any videos about sadness? I can't shake seeing everything in life through a melancholic lense. I have realized that I was sad most of my childhood due to circumstances and I can't get clear from the sad perspective.. even in a joyful experience.
Anna teaches how to get rid of fear, but sadness is a real emotion that isn't wrong to have. Here's the link to free course called 'the Daily Practice' bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Amazing, she is just describing my life in this one. Nailing down what therapists and i have been oblivious to. And then the sleepless nights and chainsmoking second guessing every big decision afterward. Anna its too late for me but I know you're saving lives here.
Not too late!
Everything I was taught as a child was a lie. Something as simple as crying, crying I was told is a weakness or painting and drawing is a waste of time.
Hard to tell the difference between intuition and fear in relationships, especially when the other person tells you what you want to hear and their moves don't mat6ch their words. In the end my intuition is always correct...yet I invest another six months or more ..so I want to learn to trust my instincts the first time. Being taught in childhood that your reality is NOT reality, as described in this video, makes you question whether or not you can trust your own perceptions. Very tricky. Thank you Anna!
Bless you for explaining my life to me.
Thank you. if nothing else I want to give other people that incredible experience of relief I had when I learned there is a name and a reason for the things that used to cause so much struggle in my life. Glad you are here!
I am 51 and self diagnosed cPTSD. The first video watched my soul. I put it on heading to work and with in the first 5 minutes was crying the rest of the way into work as I listened. I had finally found the answer to something that has plagued me my whole life and it was a complete expectation for everything. The parallels and understanding I have achieved listening to these stories and answer (to things I had no name for) have enlighten my understanding and changed my perception of what I thought was a train wreck of a life.
My trauma stretches back to the age of 5. When my 2 brothers were sexualy molested by a family member. Let me be clear here. I have no actual memory of this happening. I do sometimes get pictures that flash in my mind the few times I have thought about it. But given the way I understood memory works I am not sure if they are real or images I have put thier as place holders. But I know it happened through discussion with family members.
There was more to follow but I am doing this on my phone. I am going to let it go there. Thank you for these videos. My biggest fear is I have passed this on to my children. 2 of them I know for sure. Just from past discussions. Although I have not actually begun a recovery process having this information has helped. It inspired me to reach out to them and try to point them in the right direction. I would save them from as many years suffering from this as I can. My ex as well. She stuck by me for 26 years. The longest anyone ever has. Up till a few days ago I though she was narcissistic. But that pattern did not show up till year 8. Now given the limited information I have and certain cycles we went through that I gave her PTSD as well. I reached out to her as well and informed her of what I found out through our son and I hope she finds the help she needs. If nothing else there was definitely trauma bonding going on with both sides. It almost killed me when she left. Or at least it felt that way.
When I think of all the pain and suffering I have put out into the world it crushes me. When I think I might have done this to the people I love the most in the world... it is triggering. 8 am glad to have this information and will be looking into 9ptions but I think this video series will remain a staple.
Thank you for what you do.
Your just awesome. My perception of reality is skewed from childhood. It kicks into fantasy land and has been the focal point of my relationship issues thru out the years. Thank you for your insight 😊
Boom!
-Cara@TeamFairy
There is so much I wanna unpack and I feel like these videos just might help. In my family, “love” meant being beating up, pinched, slapped and yelled at for taking a certain way, rolling my eyes at my parents or giving them dirty looks, imitating what I saw and heard on TV, talking with an accent, doing badly in school, lying or joking around when I’m not supposed to be joking around…These days I don’t even like looking at them, my sister or anyone else in the eye for fear of being yelled at or worse. Even the thought of being yelled at for something like slamming a door or hitting something when I’m mad really sickens me! I just hope that by typing this, someone out there will understand I feel. I’ve only watched two of these videos and am already so grateful for them! Thank you and keep it up!
These types of family situations are awful. Sorry you have experienced that. Daily Practice can help with the understandable fears and resentments, and if you’re looking for more Anna has a longer course, Healing CPTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
YOU GOOD
......all stages I've gone through .....and my perception were off.
Now a days.......MUCH clearer and stronger, in tune with feelings, thoughts based in the moment and reality.
Village of the damned, the part where the guy builds a mental brick wall inside his mind. That's what I would do when I was a child build a fortress of brick walls layer after layer no one could touch me they could scream at me cuss at me. Call me all kinds of names, but I just shut down and heard nothing and became invisible. Love is the only thing that can penetrate the walls and that's only because you willingly opened the gate. Fool because that's the precise moment they thrust the spear of betrayal into your heart. Then if you survived that then you no longer can live inside the walls because the walls turn against you. I think Jordan B. Peterson talks about the snakes in the garden. They have a way of finding their way in. No matter how high you build the walls.
@Listen Linda I Am Quite Aware where I've come from disorganized attachment disorder entwined with shame accompanied with its companions fear and guilt the trilogy. Mindfulness the world has a way of triggering people who have come from a brutalized childhood but standing still and watching your own mind go insane and not allowing yourself to fall into the abyss can be challenging at times and very tiresome. I do medical transport and I see people who I transport to methadone Suboxone clinics who have not even begun to understand the emotional trauma that they have experienced let alone putting it into words. Their minds were hardwired to an environment that served them well a survival style. Problem is when that environment no longer exists the mind still think it's in that environment so rewiring the mind through knowledge biofeedback EMDR may be will help. I know how to express myself. But be careful of the narcissistic sociopaths that's another level of insanity that I can't be around. Then there's the negative emotions are closely tied to self-doubt for me I doubt everything even my own existence in fact a study published in child development found that children who suffer from high levels of anxiety and depression were more likely to experience self-doubt negative past of experiences can also cause self-doubt long after you think the experiences resolved. But life is beautiful if you look outside your own madness.
Gooey duck you just described it perfectly. I never could. I’m running out of safe places for Godssake. “Wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified, I don’t want to live this way but I don’t want to die”. Vampire Weekends Harmony Hall. I listen to it over and over ....
This is such an accurate description of this grief process. I am now at the point of realizing I can no longer live within the walls after experiencing being seen, it makes the suffering even greater...more raw. How did we survive this long?
Gooey duck yes or the cupboard on Dr Who.
I am mystified by how often I have to ask myself as an adult "did that just happen' ? Sometimes to the point where I not only question my own perception but reality itself. I am beginning to see out how CPTSD has warped my thought process as an adult. As a child I always had to "adjust" for the actions that were beyond my scope of understanding to create a sense of personal safety in what were actually dangerous or harmful situations. It was my only protection from the adults who were supposed to be protecting me. This seems to be the core of mistrust in others, need for control and shame in myself. I am choosing this as a goal to work on in my journey to healing. My challenge is to find a way to break it down into manageable pieces and set realistic expectations for progress. These little videos are making more sense than all the time I have spent in and out of therapy over the past decades. Thank you for all the inspiration and empathy you are sharing with us.
Distinguishing the true from the false can be daunting for us. This exercise has helped me so much
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's confusing because it doesn't seem like my childhood was all that bad, but I relate to everything you say. And both my brother and I ended up in abusive marriages (both also out now).
If the material resonates, you might like some of the techniques to re-regulate too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have always been unable to draw a boundary separating my obligations from my entitlements. In the last 10 years I have made great progress at this, and it has been accomplished by, as you put it, living in reality.
So this. She is the first youtuber that I have found to even mark this as an issue. Seeing this just gives me so much hope that there may be things I can do to get better at this. I didn't even have the words to describe this problem.
So hard to know what’s up if the perception is wrong!! Impossible to assess a situation when we are triggered! Is it me? Is it them?? Wow!! Thank you!!
I with you on that!
We ignore, dismiss and give excuses to major relationship red flags to the point of total self destruction and tradgedy. Not to mention another load of devastating trauma. Its insanly unfair but the only way is to move forward and do the hard work to self correct. Best to everyone with the courage to try. 💗
There was never any normal or not normal. There was only survival.
This still resonates with me, as it was only survival for so long.
My dad was emotionally abuse and at times physical, he often shouted, gave me harsh labels and made fun of me often. My mom enabled him.
Same here.
Same here but with beatings. I now see that mom did much more damage by pretending it wasn't happening.
@@LinYouToo so sorry that happened.
@@furthereast6775 Yes, i didn't know that was possible, thanks for telling me.
@@furthereast6775 would also ignoring beatings affect you. I mean mom didn't help me but he attacked her on occasion too.
Do people with Cptsd tend to project a bit of a false self in casual interactions? A more confident person that doesnt exist at home?
Hells yeah we do.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy if you say cptsd can also have massive sexual compulsion issues and impulse control then I think I might have it lol
Nah I'm extremely confident both publicly and in private.
Deservedly so.
Yes.
Thank you for your humility with your youtube channel here, helping many of us to not feel alone
I burst into tears when you said I was lovable.
Aw, lovable Laura Jolan!
Crappy Childhood Fairy I love you because you wrote that to her. And because a random stumbling on one of your videos taught me this was a thing and explained a lot.
Ooh I used to do that at the hair dressers too !! Still really suffer with it a bit...still quite hard
My short answer: YES! So many messed up relationships.
Well you've found your tribe @Bonnie. I'm glad you're here. Healing is possible. I have a lot of videos and even a course about relationships. People don't talk about the effect of trauma on relationships nearly as much as is needed!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, hon!
I'll be 60 years old my next birthday.I've always told myself all I ever wanted was peace of mind and to feel loved.You are telling my story I can't believe it.I grew up in a very violent situation as now I know was abuse and neglect. A raging alcoholic Father and a Mother who couldn't protect me i'm sure out of fear.It all caused me to push people away starting at 15 after my girlfriend moved to Germany from the States.I never knew how to tell her what my household was really like and like I always did I stuffed the pain.What I'm trying to say is there is so much shame that comes with growing up that way and you just don't learn or have the tools that you need as a kid so you hide it.You learn not to express your real feelings.I so wish i would of known what to do for myself all those years ago as it's still with me.These videos tell my truth and I feel for every person commenting we all deserved better.In some odd way it is comforting to know there are others out here who experienced childhood trauma,it's sad to because not everybody gets to realize their true potential because of this mess we're left to deal with.
thank you so much for making these videos. your past sounds exactly like me, but you give me hope that I can get better and be healthy. i hope to be as warm and stable as you one day
Ive been in therapy since 16yrs old and im hitting 57 next yr! and I Still do Not feel healed!! Lord help!! Thanks for sharing yr knowledge!! and experiences.
Glad you're here, @Angela
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thxs!! Me too!!
I think that's very important issue !! Thanks for putting it on for subject to talk about on posting this video.
Came across your videos when I fell down the You Tube rabbit hole...taken me 59 years to put a name to it so thank you for the enlightenment explains many many things for me x
That's great, glad you found us 💜
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have complex ptsd but in Norway where I live , complex ptsd is not an diagnoses yet. So i Get treatment for ptsd. But i have multiple trauma. Not a single trauma. And I feel angry because I won’t get the right treatment. Watching your videos about complex ptsd I feel everything is right for me. My therapist gave me the diagnosis.
I HIGHLY value the truth - good decisions can be made knowing it . My family of origin represent the biggest house of lies in my life . I don't see the value they put on putting forth a false self . The BIG FAKE is acted out for the benefit of people who don't know them .
Yes, delicious truth.
Excellent information. I would have kived hearing this at least 25 years ago.😢 I was aware i struggled with this. And managed to accept all. Be nice anyway.
I had a physically and emotionally drunk dad I have problems with perception as you are saying. Thank you I think this the first time I've ever said it out loud.I now understand a bit more of who I am and what makes me act like I do.
You are the perfect messenger
Well, maybe not perfect but THANK YOU.
Every video is on point!! Thank u
Thanks for your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Lies and manipulation. I did not understand that this was happening to me until I was over 60! My body knew. I froze, like you said, when something "good" was offered me because somehow my unaware self knew that this was manipulation. Problem is, whether I recognize something as a lie or not, I did not develop the personal skills necessary to exist in human interaction. Too late for me, but maybe your work will open someone's eyes who can process this awareness. Us old folk are supposed to know this stuff and I just do not. I still can't recognize what is truth or not.
@fredworthman, every day is a chance to get some clarity! Don't write yourself off yet! I have a free online mini-course to help with this -- worth a try! courses-crappychildhoodfairy.com
you are not alone.....almost 63 here
62 here, better late than never.
62 and still recovering. Same thing, the mindless freeze response Tried everything from therapy to EST to Jesus over the years to fix myself and a lot of it helped, but I never really understood until Anna runkel. I would say I switched from fearing people to loving people in my late 30s.
U sure know where it's @ ... God bless you.
Thank you!
I just had another argument with someone I'm working on rebuilding a relationship with over this exact issue. Does it get easier the more you work on it? It's exhausting having to keep up with my own perception issues as well as pay attention to what another person is saying to me..I've been in a safe, stable, self-sufficient situation for over a year now and the way my entire reality turns end over end from day to day is extremely disorienting. I've noticed it's harder for me to keep my emotions and mental talk in check when I'm physically tired, and I work a very physically demanding job. x.x
yes, clarity...
the responsibility...I am needing help there
I'm so freaked out...god...so..much. past. shame! sigh....
Just looking forward now...
Well it's completely destroyed myself esteem.
I do understand what you meant but, responsibility and guilt are not always one in the same. I’ve experienced this in the corporate world where, because you may be assigned the task of fixing something, it is often perceived as guilt being one in the same. There’s a push for it. Like, “It is you or your department that made this error.” You can think so, if you like, but my despite the fact that we are being assigned the task of fixing it now, does not at all mean that we’re guilty for the error, when our department didn’t exist back then and I was working for another company anyway.
In dealing with narcissists and also just plain perceptions, one of the things I’m glad about is that the way we communicate more often, nowadays, leaves a trail. There are have been a few times where, although my memory certainly isn’t perfect, I’ve seen people forget things, which is fair and fine, but it seems to get to the very expedient point of gaslighting. That, it’s not that what wasn’t said actually was or that an event actually happened, but more like they look at you like you’ve lost your mind. And, if it weren’t for things like my Ring doorbell, police being involved, emails, text, heck yeah, I’d think I was losing my mind, too. A lot of people might experienced this, when it comes to obtaining tech support, as well. That IT can be very quick to tell you that your issue is due to “user error” and it, then, becomes up to you to almost not prove you’re seeing things, by producing evidence, like a reproduction of errors you received or screenshots to literally prove your “case”.
Of course, in dealing with an actual narcissist, like my mother, that’s an alternate reality. No amount of evidence, from me or the police, is enough for her to consider her actions. Before I told her to never contact me again the other day, she even told me that someone is influencing me.
I guess I start to wonder, if we’re becoming a more narcissistic society, how quickly insidious it has become to not only prove someone else is wrong, but to work to make them feel as if they’ve lost their mind, working to ruin their reputation and literally eat them from the inside out. Sadly, as I see so much of this happening, so very quickly, I feel more and more at ease being a recluse.
But you can think every situation in multiple perspectives.. how can i know which one is truth?
You are asking the right question. You'll need to learn discernment.
Yes, confusion, misperception, unable to express fully due to fear of xyz, trying to see self through others....all of it. Therefore inability to decide, take risks and responsibility, otherwise rash, adventurous, sincere, but restless and chaotic. Such turbulence and stuckness I've lived!!
Up is down. Down is up. The helicopter pilot is battling vertigo.
Or on-the-verge-of-vertigo.
My dad uses lies to catch his kids in lies or get what he wants, as a way to test us. He still sees nothing wrong with it and cant understand why sometimes i blow my top at his stupid crap. He once used my grandma's supposed state well being as a way to manipulate me. He told me something was wrong with her. She was fine at the time, but it left a lasting impression on me so many years later what kind of man he is especially because he sees nothig wrong with that type of thing.
This is the most relatable video ever.
I think so too. But I would! Nice to meet you.
Whenever I told my parents about my bro always hitting me they were like oh that’s normal. He’s older. Stuff like that.
Those hurt feelings can be faced now, we can help with that :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Man this answers SO MANY questions! Thank u so much✨🧚♀️
Glad it was helpful!
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. Thanks much.
Glad it was helpful!
I am sincerely shook by this...all of your CPTSD videos describe me almost to a LETTER. How can I find the right therapy for this? The other times I've tried therapy it felt like my therapist couldn't see me and I ended up invalidated and retraumatized.
So true....perception can be challenging for us....
With a brain full of trauma...you bet it can be!
This is so spot on. Thanks for what you do.
Thank you!
This video is so true to me... Thank you a lot.
This is how i feel right now
Yes. This is so true for me. I used to really be suspicious of emotional healthy people...my default is to gaslight myself but I challenge those thoughts now. Just thought...is that the opposite of CBT?!
I have a feeling that most victims of CPTSD would be very good protective loving parents. I know I would be..
My wife and I waited until late 30s to have children because we knew I needed to recover from my childhood enough to avoid passing on the curse. Giving them a happy, emotionally clean childhood turned out to be best thing in my whole life. Revealing: my mom always said "you're being too nice to them".
@JRTG that's a really nice thought :)
Yes fairy so true all what you said digital thinking catastrophic mind waves. Now only think positive and pray to be truthful and Jesus has been kind have been quite confident since last 5 years.
:)
I always like living off the scraps thrown from the wedding table.
same!
Or the dysfunctional “family” table.... always being ignored and overlooked... constantly compared to your successful cousins that you have never met or feeling invisible to your siblings issues that actually did have an affect on you... while going through your own issues with no where to turn to and being emotionally neglected and screamed at when you do ask for help.
Please write a book if you haven’t! 📖
I'm so glad you said that! I'm planning to do that this year. The Fairy Manifesto, of sorts...
No. Some stylists do purposely mess you up. Some do purposefully cut your ear. Some do give you exactly what you do not want. And, they know who they can get away with doing that to. Same as nurses.
Omg I needed to see this video. I am so confused about my reality
Well there ARE the people that understand and feel the same way! And that has helped me to NOT feel isolated and that I’m somewhat normal. this is way too healed for my brain to grasp. I only keep hearing “I’m defective.” I have grown tremendously and have gained so much wisdom over the years . ICANNOT ,NOW identify with being a worm because someone has taken my life experience and put it into labels. Once More, I’m somehow not normal. Starting all over again, AGAIN AT my age? I can’t . Even if I have to use different terminology. So, you are the healed and whole and worthy of being heard. Will we ever graduate? When was it that YOU Did and recieved your crown? I’m so happy for you that you became a productive worthy woman. I never can be. I’ve tried. Woman either steamroll me or feel sorry for me. I try and shoe respect ect. And they tell me I have low self esteem all the while I’ve been covering their nakedness . I can’t win. I see me and woman like you. No in between.
fear keeps me from speaking up
I perceive people dont like me...and lie to me
and constant gossip
I hate, it
Fear blocks us from a lot of joy
Helpful video. I thought I was alone in these feelings of social confusion. Mum has Facticious disorder, Queen of the Gaslight. Is it fair to say that all childhood abuse and neglect lead to Facticious beliefs and reaction thinking?
I resonate with this SO much! My family dynamics were the fact that I live in a house where every one is really smart and are either Adhd'rs or OCD'rs then theres me, the baby, with both as a comorbidity...yay.... So man do we love each other but man did we have some, what I like to call "adhd fights"..impulsivity and emotional dysregulation is a wonderful thing aint it? My dad and my big brother especially. No abuse just constant arguments. Not to say that that hasn't effected me greatly but what I consider my "BIG" traumas happened in college with the NCAA...could've ended in a big lawsuit but I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to truly face it. This is an unfortunate reality for a good % of college athletes. current/former. I ended up isolating.
I'm in process of allowing myself to mindfully observe my behaviors. To be honest, sorry to any who disagree, but marijuana has helped ground me through some of this process. I'm not saying it's a cure-all for me nor will I end up using it for every situation in the future. I'm also not saying that it's not fun to indulge for fun purposes. At the moment I am just using it as a tool to ground me and to help me through my executive functions issue (i.e. adhd, ocd lol) I'm aware that adhd, ocd and ptsd in general can share similar symptoms and enhance the symptoms of one another but with the mindful observation of my behavior I'm recognizing the situations where I'm doing one thing, not because I'm anxious, but because I'm trying to concentrate and I just need to fidget. So then, after recognizing that, I start to feel better, less ashamed of my current behavior, a slight sense of self love. I've also learned that with comorbid adhd/ocd in general one fidget at a time is not always enough lol! I also understand why I'm so sentimental and why it's so hard to clean and get rid of stuff. I can honestly say that a true fear of mine is that I'm going to be retraumatized and become a hoarder....I do have hoarding tendencies, which now I'm less ashamed of because I can recognize it! I finally asked my best friend what she thought about all this and she told me how my personality totally changed a few years ago. She knows me better than anyone and has cptsd, adhd, and onset Tourette's. Yet she was holding my hand through this all.
Last year I also found out, through a genetic enzyme test, that my body doesn't metabolize SSRI's correctly. So I was being unintentionally medically mistreated. In college, my doctors thought I had adhd, anxiety and depression. They treated my depression symptoms. When in reality, my anxiety, and adhd burnout caused depression symptoms. Not to say I wasn't legitimately depressed sometimes though. So while trying to be treated for the last 7 years, I essentially...wasn't.. Till now though! Haha better late then never, right?
I consider myself an external processor and finally understand that I'm a very somatic learner. I'm learning a lot. I understand that there is no One right way to heal. Everyone has their own novel to live:) I'm also in the process of finding a councilor that's a best fit for me.
Sorry this is so convoluted/pathological...and for the fact that I'm kinda doing what you mentioned in the video (questioning my perception) I just find it hard, but am learning, to convey my story and parts of it without scaring the other person away but without belittling the severity of what it is we go through sometimes..if that makes sense? I'm also aware that you've probably answered a lot of my "internal" questions in other videos but this is the one I'm on so far lol. Well anyways! Thank you for listening!
The best thing you can do to answer your own questions is the Daily Practice I talk about in all my videos bit.ly/3608opl
Wow! Wonderful video!!!
Thank you! I hope you'll explore all the material here and on my website crappychildhoodfairy.com
How about a video mapping out how to navigate the early stages of intimate relationships for those with CPTSD and Aspergers? Thanks.
I try to practice Buddhist principles which have helped me to let alot of stuff go.and to question perceptions and stay on a moral path.
After discovering I’d been married to a narcissist for 33 years...I realised my perception was so wrong.
15 months later now I stumble on this info...Omg
Welcome!
Lately have taken the opportunity to pause videos to study faces, what emotion do I see.
Mostly it has been a grind of a practice, pushing myself to choose one of the 70+ feeling verbs.
Then took the exercise to the recording of a telescope building class.
The professor was famous, entertaining, and kindly.
Looking a the students faces I did not read excitement, thrill, gratitude, I saw disinterest.
If I were speaker, on a difficult day I may have said , " If you don't want to be here- leave'.
These were fortunate people in a rich educational experience.
How many times
have I been with people who were positive for more conversation,
but I stopped contributing because of the perceptions of a negative response?