Why I’m not having a baby…
Вставка
- Опубліковано 19 чер 2023
- I get the question a lot, are you having a baby? Or when are you and Sean planning for a baby? Or are you not going to have a baby? Long story short, I will make my own decisions and shouldn't be pressured into thinking I should act or behave or live my life how someone else thinks I should. The reality is we can feel a lot of pressure about having a baby or kids - whether that be from society or from our mom or our dad or our friends. They think, oh so you're married and you've been together a long time, now you must have kids or you must have a baby. And there's this pressure that just because you're married it means that the next step is to have a baby - but not everyone wants the same things from this life, and not all of us are designed to have this "perfect life" that includes marriage, kids, white picket fence - and our idea of perfect life may look very different. Or maybe some of us had such horrible childhood experiences or trauma and had such a rough childhood, that the thought of that happening to another child may be scary for us. There are so many reasons a couple or an individual person can choose not to have kids. And also, some people cannot have kids because their bodies won't allow and it's not physically possible - and that can bring up a slew of emotions for that person if they're asked. So let's normalize not asking people about when they're having a baby or if they're having a baby or why they don't want kids - if someone wants to have a baby or is trying to have kids and they want you to know, they will tell you. You don't have to ask them. Have you ever been asked about having kids or a baby when you don't want one? How did you respond?
My new LIVE attachment workshop is coming in July! You can pre-order the prerecorded version or attend the live event here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/att... (pre-recorded version coming!)
More related videos:
More Kati Unfiltered: • Kati Unfiltered
My depression story: • Sharing my depression ...
My problem with the self help & self care industry: • I have a REAL PROBLEM ...
--
My Books (in stores now)
Traumatized geni.us/Bfak0j
Are u ok? bit.ly/2s0mULy
Journaling
Join here: ua-cam.com/users/katimortonjoin
Online Therapy
I do not currently offer online therapy. My sponsor BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist, please visit: betterhelp.com/kati
Patreon
Are you interested in supporting the creation of mental health videos? If so, please visit: www.katimorton.com/kati-morto...
Podcasts
Opinions That Don't Matter! & Ask Kati Anything!
video: / opinionsthatdontmatter
Partnerships
Linnea Toney linnea@underscoretalent.com
Please Read
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room. MY BOOKS (in stores now)
Traumatized geni.us/Bfak0j
Are u ok? bit.ly/2s0mULy
ONLINE THERAPY
While I do not currently offer online therapy, BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist, please visit: betterhelp.com/kati
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @katimorton
PATREON www.katimorton.com/kati-morto...
YOU CAN SUPPORT THE CHANNEL BY SHOPPING WITH OUR AFFILIATE LINKS
Instacart: www.instacart.oloiyb.net/y2j2GB
Amazon: www.amazon.com/shop/katimorton
PARTNERSHIP
Linnea Toney linnea@underscoretalent.com
PLEASE READ
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
I sometimes get the question "but what when you get old and don't have kids. you'll get lonely". To me that is the most selfish reason to have children.
This is so true!!
Sooo true
💯
And not to forget that we shouldn't we feeling lonely like that if we have a social circle at least. If we do then we need therapy.
There is no "selfless" reason to do so. It is inherently a selfish choice.
I would rather live with the regret of not having kids than regretting the existence of children I didn't truly want
You can always adopt a baby/teen which is cool.
@@edbrown5956 You re right at this point!
Sometimes I wonder what parents of serial killers think.
You wouldn't be a good dad. So good. I'm glad you thought about it.
Good point.
The conversation about kids is so personal, I find it weird that society considers it small talk.
right? thats you or your partners body occupied by some stranger for months. and then when the being is born, suddenly all your money and time is gone, -and your relationships all change- (this part was wrong my bad) i could never have a kid
Right? I wager most people in the population will want to have kids someday, but just because that's their choice doesn't mean nature or life is going to cooperate. Some people struggle with infertility. Some people don't have kids because they can't afford them or their careers don't allow them the time. Or maybe they haven't found a good partner. Asking someone if they want kids is treated like a casual question but has the potential to be the biggest emotional landmine you can throw at them.
It’s that or the weather
Depends. Talking about one's own kids or desire (or lack of desire) to have them is totally fine, just like when people volunteer information about their sexual/romantic orientation or about being trans etc, but expecting people to tell you that information if you asked them is, outside of certain specific contexts, just weird and inappropriate.
@@karkador 1 - yes babies are expensive, but if you plan well it doesn't have to take "all your money." When you love your children you find money for the necessities. Not everyone is poor and making bad choices. 2 - relationships change with or without children. That's a part of life.don't blame children for that. Things happen in life all the time that change the dynamics of a relationship. Maybe it's a job someone takes, or a schedule change with their work. Maybe someone goes back to school, or starts/ends a different relationship that affects their time. Maybe it's having to take care of an aging parent or a sibling who has fallen ill. Do NOT blame chldren for life happening. Relationships are constantly changing, and if they're not - the people in them aren't growing as people.
After a horribly abusive childhood, I made the decision not to have kids and now at 65, I think it's the best thing I never did. No child suffered because of me. No child was beaten because of me. No child was belittled and bullied because of me. I did not pass along the multigenerational abuse and it's the greatest thing I have ever done with my life.
I think it's really sad that you think because you were abused that you wouldn't be a better parent than you had. It is possible to do better than those who raised us. That said, I believe that EVERY child that's born deserves to be loved and wanted, and if you feel you couldn't do that, then it's probably for the best. Only you can know that. Just please don't blame your childhood or your parents for your decisions. A lot of people grow up with abuse, alcoholism, and substance abuse in their homes and never harm their own children. There are a ton of resources available - parenting classes, books, childhood development classes, workshops, online webinars, support groups - you name it - these days there are a LOT. At 65, I expect there were fewer resources accessible when you were making those decisions. By time I was in high school in the late 80's we had a trove of those kinds of classes available at my school. I made the choice to read and learn everything I could. I also was raised in an alcoholic environment, and I made up my mind that it wasn't going to define me or how I lived my life. WE are responsible for our choices... not our parents - not our grandparents - not our childhood bullies. So it's a great decision if it was the right one for you. Just own it.
I feel the same way.
I'm really sorry you went through that. I hope you've found great support resources and therapy. In my experience the people who care about not passing it on and are aware of it as you are and work on their trauma don't pass it in on, they take responsibility for getting help and also know not to blame their kids but that there's a problem they have that they need to fix. My parents were the type to be harsh on their kids specifically BECAUSE they don't admit they were neglected and abused and they want to believe their upbringing was normal. That's why I really think from how you acknowledge and care about it you'd not be abusive. But there's more than one reason people may not want to have kids (due to abuse or or other reasons or simply because they don't want to) and you needn't feel like you have to have them just because someone says they think you'd be a good parent either.
There's also other ways to be there for people, like my queer chosen family feels more real a family than my relatives ever were and I truly consider THEM my real family and simply call the others relatives.
My parents parentified me, I felt somewhat like a parent to my younger siblings and I have no desire to become an actual parent now I finally get the option to not look after anyone. Gotta do what's best for you!
@loriwilde3977 I totally get where you're coming from. I grew up with so much childhood trauma, that I too don't want kids. Even though I know I would be a much better parent than what I had, still the mental hardship it takes, to unwire and rewire your brain, even just for yourself is hard enough. Let alone trying so hard to be different for your child and not pass down the same traumas, a lot of the times people do that unknowingly. Generational trauma runs deep. Hard to kick. I think we would be better parents than what we had, but I definitely get the mental anguish it would take, and sometimes does not feel worth it. I am dedicating my life to living in peace since I had such a rough start, and that just so happens to be peace without children. Everyone can take their own path! Each path is fine, you're the one that has to live with your decisions. I don't understand why people feel the need to put others on THEIR own path
@@mirandalovelandrodriguez Good for you - owning your decision as your own and keeping your own peace.
As the adult child of a person that didn’t want to have kids, the kids can tell. While I was well taken care of and told that I was loved, I grew up feeling like a burden and like I wasn’t wanted or liked. If you’re on the fence about having children, just don’t do it.
My mom has told me in the past that she regrets having my brother and I, and though my choice of never having kids was made way before then, ultimately it made something click as to why that might have been the case.
Yes, this..
Im a second child of parents that should not have been parents, and i grew up feeling that i was not the most important, i was in the way, and i cost additional money that my mom in particular wanted to spend on traviling tge world, a thing she had already done before she got children but, she wanted more of it and i was always the reason she couldn't.
"I wanna do x, y and z, but i cant because i have children" is sentence that hurt me often..
We know, we feel it, and you shouldnt have kids for any other reason then because you want them ❤
Agreed. It wasn't our fault. It wasn't our fault. It wasn't our fault. Feels like it's our fault.
💯 I was also a child that wasn’t “wanted.” My parents told me they loved me, but I never felt loved. Now as an adult I’m hardly ever invited to dinner. When I am, it’s like I’m an afterthought. When I was at my grandpa’s funeral a few years ago, some high school friends of my parents came up and greeted my brother pretty warmly then asked who I was. He introduced me as his sister and they looked confused and said “Oh, I didn’t know they had a daughter.” I wanted to curl up in a ball and die right there.
I was always under the impression that anything I did just wasn’t good enough and I was always a disappointment. I cut contact with my parents for a while because my mom used to say mean things to me when she would drink. I always kinda felt like the family punching bag. They all liked to make jokes about me and tell me I was “too sensitive” when I got upset.
My biggest advice to anyone is don’t have kids if you don’t want them. They know and it follows them into adulthood.
Totally agree. I’m almost 30 and my dad has made it clear my entire life that I was an accident and he didn’t envision himself with kids
Because having kids is not in everybody's itinerary.
Yesss!
Good thing existing isn't on the UNIVERSE'S itinerary for you. Guess who is more important?
I really thank you for bring this to the conversation.
Thank you for saying that
perfectly said! everyone is different and "made" for a different path
What's worse is people who have kids and regret it. I have seen my fair share of people who had kids and admitted this. That is horrible. I find it distasteful those who judge people who do not want to have them, considering how many parents had regrets having kids. Many kids are born due to societal expectations. Many have high expectations of their children and when they do not fulfill them they become disappointed and resentful.
Never met anyone regretting it ever.
@@saraf9081 Good for you. For me it was astounding the amount of people I know personally or professionally who admitted that they wish they didn't have any. They had this expectation that they would feel fulfilled and happy and that wasn't the case for them. They did it because their parents wanted grandchildren. Hence why I used the term societal expectations.
There is literally a whole subreddit of regretful parent stories. I think it’s way more common than people think
@saraf9081 my parents themselves regretbeing parents. lots and lots of people with children regret it but just dont say anything
How can you ever regret that never heard about that
Imagine, if the roles were reversed - and every time someone announced that they were pregnant, the childless people all begin to question whether this person was really sure they want to bring another child into this world? Even though we might be thinking it, we don’t say it. And, in the same light…the people who want to have children shouldn’t question those who don’t want to have children. Period.
Well, that's where you fruitcakes are headed. Good job figuring that out.
But people do say it. Frequently.
I say it, idgaf. You want equality then your getting judged for being arrogant and forcing other to your stressful lifestyle
This happens. A lot. I got "sorry, I can't jump up and down, I'm not like that." when I told my cousin that I was expecting. Um, I wasn't asking for a show, I was letting you know something important in my life.
And when we had a "million dollar family", which I hadn't known was a thing (it's a boy and a girl, for those of you who, like me, are not familiar with that phrase), the question "but why?" came up a LOT when I was pregnant with my third child. It wasn't always negative, but often surprised.
It still blows my mind. From my perspective, 3-5 children is the perfect size for a family, regardless of whether the kids are boys or girls, and I thought it was better, if you only have two, to either have two boys or two girls, but that is not a common idea.
this happens to people a lot. I know someone with a "larger family" who can support her children and her lifestyle and yet everyone keeps asking her with a sneer if they are done yet.
Well said, thank you. I'm 60 years old, child free by choice and I have not regretted it.
Hear hear!
❤❤❤
Who will make sure you are taken care of if you ever get dementia or just old and sick?
@@adamlewis3729I know many friends with adult children that don’t want to help parents.
@Adam Lewis there's no guarantee your children will do that.
I have a support system of friends and other relatives (sister, niece, nephew)
Besides, what a shallow reason to have kids ! Grow your own senior support.
I would hope if you go through the process of having kids, it's because you want to have kids, not as some dividend! Believe me, if that's the only reason you have them, I bet they won't even be talking to you by the time you're a senior.
It’s not even this, what about the husband, house, car, financial stability, health (all before 34 please)? It’s first a privilege to even have the decision!
Whooooooooosh!!!
YES!!! Couldn't agreed more!!! xox
This. I had to struggle hard my entire adult life just to take decent care of myself. The right man never came along, I was financially unstable up until recently and was not ever in the right time or place to become a mom. It's not something to be taken lightly. I feel like I never had a chance because my circumstances never allowed...
@@jennajewert A lot of people say things like that and if that's how you feel, you have that right. However, I will say that I know many women who didn't have "the right guy" "the right car" or the "right" whatever who ended up being great mothers. Sometimes that child triggers us into actions that have us making better decisions, getting that education, finding a better job or whatever, and we do it because we love our children, and end up being better parents, better humans, and have a better life for it. Not having the "right" whatever isn't good justification for nto having a family if you want one. If you do't want one, then you don't need that justification. Just don't have the babies. It's okay...
So I will start by agreeing with you that it is a privileged to have the decision - but probably not for the reasons you think. There are placeds in the world right now where women can't eve go to a Doctor for a basic checkup without her husband's permission. Places where the HUSBAND gets to make all of the medical decisions for his wife. There are places where women are treated as little more than domestic servants and incubators. So YES we are fortunate to live where we have choices and the freedom to make decisions about our own lives.
That said - Why are you assuming there's a husband? There might be, but a lot of women are having children without a male partner. I was really young when my son was born. I was married and already had advanced education, so that helped, but I was only 21. I am so happy I did that young instead of waiting until my 30's. My child is an adult, and I am young enough to enjoy travel, pursue business opportunities and live a child-free lifestyle.
Why do you assume that 34 is too young to have a car, health, and financial stability? That's ridiculous. I had a car and good health at 18. I had an education, and a career path in my 20's and was mom at 21. I know plenty of women with their own jobs and cars in their early 20's. It's all about choices. Personally I think it's terrible decision making to not have a job and a car (in most places) and some stability BEFORE 30. However some people live places where having a car is less necessary than others. In some cities people go their whole lives without ever owning a car. Where I live it's the opposite, a car is necessary. CONTEXT MATTERS. As for a house - seriously? There's nothing wrong with living in an apartment if that's how it works out for a while. I didn't have a house until I was almost 30, and I know people who have never had one and don't want that responsibility. You are putting way to many conditions and judgments on this.
I'm a 50 yr old woman who's been married for almost 30 years now and we decided not to have children.
Recently I was in shock when a medical professionals shamed me for choosing not to have children. This was my first appointment with her and I was in shock that she kept on asking but why didn't you. Kept telling her my husband and I decided we didn't want children. She just couldn't understand that. I was so mad I was ready to walk out. I never saw her again.
That's so terrible of the medic! They get paid to listen to you and help you, not to shame you for any decisions you make. Pregnancy also increases your risks for everything except pregnancy itself, so even from that standpoint it's not health neutral.
She was super rude to you. It's definitely her problem, not yours. I'm glad you dropped her.
You can report it as being unprofessional biased behavior. Definitely not acceptable.
How dare she!
I am a medical professional and I am so sorry this happened to you. Many women in this field cannot accept that there are some women who do not want children. A long while back when I was working at an FM clinic, I shared that I was childfree. I will NEVER do that again. The backlash and criticism was insane, they immediately went on to think I was a child hater and got personally offended.
My aunt chose not to have children because she said she honestly could not sacrifice her wants and needs for another person…and she didn’t want to cause her child trauma because of that. I’ve always respected her for being so honest with herself about that. She is an incredible woman who pours love into her nieces and nephews and lives a very carefree life.
i’m 24 and also don’t plan to ever have children (and have felt this way for years now). the main thing that i don’t understand is why people who choose to have kids get so seemingly offended when you tell them that you aren’t going to have them. i mean, if someone tells me they’re trying for a child i’m not going to interrogate them on their decision.
people seem to take it so personal when people choose to be child free. it’s a strange phenomenon.
they dont want to see you happy, thriving in your life and not without a void that people just fill by haviing kids
People just scared that you a missing a great part in life that is all. Since you cannot reverse it when you are old. But of course there are more important things
By the way me, the opposite, wanted to have 10 children since I was a young child myself... Desire never left me (i am 23 now). So I just work with children to at least enjoy someone's else children. Otherwise it would be to much to bear because I just really really love children
@@rosameijering5161 maybe that’s their intention… but i think it’s important to understand that children are not a great part of life for everyone. i love kids, but also know myself well enough to know that i would be miserable if i had to raise my own. i’d rather contribute to the community and help others with theirs if they need it instead of having my own to raise.
I think society has evolved but society's collective mindset hasn't caught up yet. It really wasn't all that long ago in most first world nations that a woman's primary expectation in life was that she would have kids someday, so much so that I expect many women had kids without ever considering if they actually wanted them. So even today I think there are a lot of parents out there who found themselves with kids and realizing they never seriously thought through what a major life choice it was.
I think that one of the reasons people get angry about other people being child free, is because they suddenly realise that they had a choice, when society acts like you don't (even if they might still make the same choice, they feel duped and forced). That makes them feel like lashing out, and if one of us child free people (yes, me too) brought up the feeling somehow, they aim their anger at us.
I guess you basically already said that; I'm just saying it in a different way.
People really need to work on themselves. Maybe the more up in other people's business a person is, the more they are avoiding dealing with their own. Kind of sad when you think about it.
Well observed, and said.
I definitely think this is why they get so fired up. Nailed it.
Well said, I agree.
Yep, this is exactly why I think I've only ever had 'backlash' from older women in the 55+ group... it's like they feel offended by the fact I had more of a choice than they did.... that maybe if they could re-do their life they would have made my choice. Me having kids would validate their own decisions. One even said "what if you meet the right man" and I said "well then he's not the right man is he?". My former supervisor even told me that if she could go back in time she wouldn't have kids :O and yet she was shocked that I didn't want any.... very hypocritical!
I once watched this movie called 'Matilda' when I was a teenager and the little girl in the movies tells her teacher "You're an adult. You can do whatever you want." That stuck with me. I was like "She's right! When I'm an adult, I'll do what I like."
I'm 42 and childfree due to a combo of circumstances and choice. I usually don't regret not having children, but it does make me sad to see the relationships my friends are starting to have with their adult kids and to know I won't have that. I worry about losing my husband and growing old alone, but loneliness and fear also feel like a selfish reason to procreate. I think I have to trust that younger me made the best decision I could and that every choice has pros and cons.
I've been having that exact same reasoning. I feel alone in that sometimes. I'm glad I read your comment. :)
@@kyfra5257 *hugs*
If you change your mind, adoption might be a good choice? I'm childfree but if I change my mind at a later point I have decided to adopt. Saves me worrying about my biological clock.
This really resonated with me. Thank you for this comment. I agree with @kyfra5257. It can feel like i'm the only one sometimes. 42 as well. Most days i just try to have compassion for myself.
Thanks for writing this comment. When I was 12-20 y.o. we had two baby siblings growing up which really dominated my teenage life and left more financial hardship on us that we had before, lack of attention etc and I was pretty over it by the time I moved out. Fast forward to now, I'm in a relationship with a 21 year age gap, I'm 37 he's almost 58, not married. I feel very firm about not having children and he's had a vasectomy before I met him 9 years ago, so that keeps things simple. He had two sons already, one almost my age, and another I saw grow from 14-22 and they turned out so awesome I feel that FOMO of their adult relationships too. It's definitely made me feel some type of ways which I didn't really feel much before or realize I would. But then I also find solace in the fact that I really only need to worry about myself, which is something I'm still learning to do in a life of recovery from addiction and CPTSD issues, among other complex reasons. Pros and cons indeed.
I knew as a small child that i didn't want kids. I told my mom that i would only adopt an older kid that nobody picks if i ever had a kid. I did end up adopting an older boy who i love with all my heart,but never, ever felt i needed to have my own.
That's amazing. My neighbour adopted 5 older kids from foster care. She never regretted it. She never wanted to get pregnant and only waited when she was more financially stable.
My cousin & her husband adopted a 15 yr old boy who they were able help launch him in the world with the knowledge that he always has a home & family! They have since adopted a sibling group of 4 that other potential adopted parents only wanted the newborn & toddler. Not the 8 & 9 yr old. They are thriving!! 💜
@@dolcemaddalena that’s so sweet❤️ just curious how did she support 5 adopted children before having her own tho?
Awww I would also love to adopt but my partner doesn’t want to :( He thinks the trauma these children have been through would be to much for him. I appreciate that he is honest with himself about not being able to handle that, but to be honest I think I would rather adopt than have my own :/
Love this! I could totally see adopting a kid in my 50's. :) It's such a selfless thing to do to adopt.
I talked to someone once
She said something like “ I can’t bring a kid in this messed up world”
That's me 😂
That’s me
Facts
meeee
That's VERY MUCH my belief and I thinks it's funny Katie saying basically "this decision and these beliefs have nothing to do with anyone else but me" because even if we can all be respectful, how can you look at someone and honestly give your opinion like "this world is a mess and I believe it a genuine cruelty to bring a breathing baby into it, but congratulations on doing exactly that, remember my choice has nothing to do with yours!! And this is not a criticism!"
I knew when I was 4 that I didn't want to be a parent (I articulated this to my mother as "I don't want to have kids; I want to have kittens") and while time has revealed to me MORE reasons for me to opt out of parenthood (chronic disease with a strong hereditary component, a general lack of physical energy that I need to use for the upkeep of my own life, etc.), ultimately my Official Reason - and the only reason that I need - for not creating or raising children is that I Don't Want To.
Parenthood is, obviously, super normalized as part of the expected Life Script - most people end up becoming parents. And it seems like some people really chafe at other people's open expression of happily living counter to the Life Script instead of coercing themselves to fit a role they don't want & don't actually need to perform in the first place. I've seen simple expressions of childfree-dom get interpreted as some sort of indictment against parenthood and children as a whole.
Wanting kittens is 100% a life goal I can get behind
@@charlotteoleary196 😂😻😻😻❤️
kittens don’t grow up. Kids do. They eventually go out create their own life, raising children isn’t forever. Raising kittens is.
@@hueso5071kittens do grow up, and they are so much easier to have when they’re middle aged vs young kittens. When you have young kittens they don’t let you sleep and want to play all of the time. When they are 6 years old they want to sleep a lot. But I see what you’re saying. Cats can seem like eternal babies. But still they are no where as near as hard as raising children. And you have to raise your human children well enough to be self sufficient, independent. A lot nowadays have to deal with bad job market, salary stagnation and now rely on their parents longer.
When I was 4 I "knew" I didn't want to be a parent either. At 16 I wanted a houseful of kids eventually. As an adult I decided on 2 and ended up with 1. Don't live your life based on something you thought you knew when you were 4. Be ope to changing your mind with the right partner. If you truly don't want children then certainly don't have them, just make sure that it's because that's what you actually want and that you are not limiting your choices based on childhood ideas.
My stepmom came into my life when I was an adult, and she doesn't have any biological children or adopted children but she is more of a mom to me than my own mom who dipped out early in my life. I think that being a mom isn't just having kids, I think it is also by making a positive impact on the younger generation and I think you do that.
Love your comment and totally agree!
Love this❤
Yes! Being a mother can mean so many things, other than having your own children, or even taking care of someone elses. I think Jennifer Aniston talks about this in an interview I saw once.
This makes me so happy, thank you.
I'm 46 and never had children. It got to the point I would just walk away from people when they would question it.
The things that I went through in life, I knew I wouldn't be able to give the love and support to a child.
You are a strong and unique individual and i hope you either found or will eventually make experinces along your life path that gives this existance a different value/meaning. There is SO much more to life than just procreation. Some people just have tunnel vision and you don't have to get swept along.😊
But the question here is do you talk about pregnancy and childbirth in an insulting way to other women? It goes both ways. I think women should be more respectful of each other on this topic in general. Women should be valued in society for more than just our ability to have and raise children. However, we should not discount those who do it either. As women we should all be more supportive of each other and the decisions around this. We all have value and we should all stand up for each other in that way.
I remember crying in solitude as a kid as a result of people telling me I had to get married and have kids. I remember feeling mortified at the mere thought of it. Of course I wanted and still want to get married, but I was fed the idea that the purpose of marriage is to form a family and you can’t have a family without kids. It broke my heart. Thanks to the Internet, I was able to read and research until I rewrote all that nonsense I was fed.
Bottom line is, some of us know we don’t want kids since the time we are kids. For me, I never fantasised about having kids, not even once in my whole life. That’s how sure I was and am of it.
I remember being horrified when someone bought me a doll designed to look like a real baby, like the same size and weight. I pretended to like it.
I really want a girlfriend but not kids. It makes me sad sometimes when I think about not having kids because my brain still associates it with not having a family or community at all and being lonely which simply is not the case. I realized that it was a false association with happiness when I thought about having a wife but no kids and the thought made me very happy. I just want a friend and lover to spend this life with.
Omg saaaaameee
Ditto. Me too. I never dreamed about getting married either. When my friends would talk about it I would just have absolutely nothing to say. I just never had that feeling, but I am sure it was because I wasn't abused child
Yep - I look at some of my school reports at a young age and there was one where we talked about our future. I only talked about travelling, never having kids. I hated dolls apart from Barbies - never felt that maternal instinct. And when I used to play The Sims (ok I'm 34 and I still play the game sometimes :P) I VERY very rarely made my couples have children.... because even in the game it was annoying and I didn't want to care for them lol. I feel like all of these were early signs. My sister has two girls and I absolutely love them to pieces, I just don't want my own! :)
I work in preschool .Have done for over 20 years. People have always said to me that I have to have a baby, because I have all this knowledge. Knowing stuff, and wanting to actually do it are two different things. I always thought I wanted kids, then I started working in preschool. It made me aware of how much work it is, and the reality is very different to the idea of how it will be in your head. I like being the older cousin to spoil the younger cousins. I don't want to do the raising. I find child development interesting, but Im happy leaving it at work. I also don't think Im the right kind of person to be a Mum. Back in my 20's my best friend was shocked when I said I didn't want kids. She said "But don't you want your life to have meaning?' Never forgotten that. I dont know why people ask that question. its no ones business if you want kids or not.
Yikes to "But don't you want your life to have meaning?" Sounds like your job brings a lot of meaning to a lot of kids!
@@bellaluce7088 thanku :)
@@claird6477 : - )
Sad to think some people think that is the only thing that brings meaning to their life
That's your "best friend"?
I really respect people that are purposefully child free because I feel like they aren’t taking the decision lightly. Like some people that DO have kids may not have fully considered if they can afford it, if they’re willing to sacrifice a big portion of their time for 18+ years, if they feel like they can handle the responsibility of raising a human being. A child doesn’t ask to be born. If you have a child, it is fully your responsibility to care for them, and that should be a serious decision.
That's what government support is for and child support when you leave the man. Plus you get to claim that little rat on your taxes! Plus shaky relationship with your partner.....lock em down with a pregnancy. 🙄😉
Some people incentives are in the wrong place when deciding to have kids.
I've noticed more so in the last decade that people have a hard time staying in their lane! The lack of respect for one another's choices or views on just about everything has escalated to the point of broken relationships, families and sometimes even violence. As a genX, I've watched this over the decades and it saddens me. We all should be accepting, respectful, peaceful, and loving! Our world sure needs it! 😉🥰
YES!!!! And agreed... we should be accepting, respectful, peaceful, and loving :) xoxo
Thank you social media. I've noticed that, too as a GenY
@@NovemberMe5213 ya, probably cause social media and everyone sharing their life with everyone else. Probably sharing way too much to be honest.
Did you ever take a history class? Staying in one's lane and lack of respect for choices has ALWAYS been a thing. The western world went through centuries of judging one another for what church one attended, the color of one's curtains, the length of one's hem on their dress. The decisions to be vegetarian, or to not own a car, or a myriad of other tings have been judged all throughout time by those who wanted something else. Judging people for decisions that are no one's business is nothing new. There was a little thing that happened in Salem Mas. a few hundred years ago that was all about judging people for very innocuous things in hopes of discrediting them and taking their property if one wanted it.
I think everyone choice matters.
I’m going through years of infertility and still believe people shouldn’t have to explain why or why not they want kids. It’s a personal choice either way
This means a lot. ❤ all my best wishes for the baby you have always wanted to love. ❤❤
I agree... i feel that women who have fertility problems can't relate to child free conversation on the same level as someone who's fertile. i think it takes extra effort to understand people who decide to forgo something that feels so painfully desirable to oneself. and that's ok too.
100%. Best wishes to you/
I would have loved to have had children, did babysitting as a kid and creche at church etc. Since it has not happened I volunteer with kids, which I love doing a few days a week.
@@liquid_c0urageI understand, tho for many people even if they are Biologically able /fertile to bear pregnancy or maybe its assumed they are tho there are just as many Non-biological reasons be it Social "infertility" financial and many other personal + painful processes + trauma that lead women + couples to be child-free. I know I often struggle + feel strong responses when reading on babies + children who have gone through unimaginable abuse /trauma + too often fatal at the hands of their parents/family which I cannot understand it's been my life long dream to raise + Nutured my own family + these cases really get me.. tho it's for me to process + focus on my own journey, healing + understand my own story more than others.. ❤
❤Let's normalize the beauty that families can be different than our own❤
Agreed!!! xoxo
Amen!!!
Yes, but things ebb and flow in distributions.
Wanting or not wanting children is not a 'random' occurrence. It's a (rare) woman 'by personality' distributions that doesn't want children.
I'd plead to people who choose not to; make sure sure you know for a fact that you don't. The regret of not having a child due to poor reasoning skills or buried trauma is not something I'd wish on anyone.
It's a horror to go through 30-80 not having that experience. The people that claim to be happy are typically people that incessantly post it on social media because they are depressed and hopeless.
@@vladimirofsvalbard9477 Dude just respect others opinion I never understood why people gave a shit about strangers having kids or not having kids at all. 🤦
@@vladimirofsvalbard9477 Also there are many people who have children and regret it so I wouldn't say something like this.
I have so much respect for intentionally childless people. A lot of us have kids before we're mature enough to understand whether we're ready and able to take on that responsibility. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of us feel such shame and envy and resentment towards folks who were able to make a more thoughtful decision for their lives.
You summed it up perfectly. I've always been envious of those who made that decision with care and thought instead of it being an accident that I made a teenager that changed the whole course of my life.
I don’t think a parent who is secure in their decision of having children would attack a childfree person.
@@sebp9882 exactly
I'm 36 and my husband is 46. We have been together for 10 years and we discussed our desire to not have kids from day one. I'm constantly left out and spoken to like I'm selfish and must have a child because "I'm a woman and it's what women do." It's a lonely and hard situation trying to explain and get the dirty looks and questions from strangers and those closest.
Parenting isn't for everyone. I was pushed into it. That didn't go well
Well, some people just dont understand that because they are in a totally different space
Same here 😭
This word is scary I can not imagine a tiny soul taking on this “world” or being exposed to the horrible things we face on earth!
I agree!
The quality of life for an average person is better now than at any other point in history. Of course the world is scary. The only way to make it less scary is to raise a new generation who 1 - are less scared 2 - Do things to reduce the scariness of it.
I think few people should have kids in general. Only those who truly want kids and can commit to raising, teaching, being patient.
I don't think that most people realize there is a difference between "I want a kid" and "It's a good idea for me to have a kid." Part of me wishes I had had kids, but I knew it probably wasn't the best idea. I am 48 now with no kids.
I feel like there is so much pressure for us to meet life timelines or do what is expected. I don’t think we should have to justify our choices
I totally agree. It’s a private decision and no one else’s business. I dealt with infertility for over 10 years and was like a walking open wound. Any question about when I was gonna have kids would feel like a punch and I often burst in to tears. I isolated myself because I did not want to be exposed to pregnant women or people asking me questions. Now, in middle age I don’t have close friendships and I truly believe it’s because I had to withdraw myself from society in order to protect my mental health. I was unable to foster friendships. I was so easily triggered. When we finally brought our daughter into our family, via adoption, the questions almost immediately became “when are you going to adopt another” “You know only children are weird, right?” The adoption process was years long and very expensive, that coupled with the decade of infertility and the money wasted on in vitro, there was no way we could adopt again. So, once my dream had come true, I didn’t even have a chance to enjoy it before the new guilt of not providing my child with a sibling came in. Somehow, I was able to just stop caring what other people thought. And for my family, 1 child is the perfect fit. But it took me a long time to stop feeling like I needed to apologize to strangers for my failure to make a baby, or my failure to provide a sibling.
People need to be more thoughtful. And maybe just don’t ask questions about family planning. You never know what someone else is going through.
There are many idiots in this world, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Congratulations on your daughter, adoption is truly for the brave! not sure my finances and mental health can take it without a strong partner
Congratulations for adopting a child! You really gave a child a family! This is so great! :)
I’m so sorry you went through this. I struggled with 2.5 years of infertility and I remember dreading the “when are you going to have a baby” question. So I can definitely relate.
I also think there are people who have kids without really thinking it through. Having kids is a default for a lot of folks. Maybe they get frustrated when others do think about it and maybe coming to the conclusion to not have them.
Life is pain. Not just pain, but pain is a big part of it. I don't feel like I could put anyone else through it.
Right, that’s something I really struggle with as well. I’m only 22 and I’ve struggled so much, I don’t want to put someone else through the same pain.
I went through a lot from the age of 7. My life is only becoming normal now because I am an adult, and still, it's hard.
Numerous good points. As a childfree individual, this sounded like so many conversations that I've been a part of against my will.
Some people act like you owe them an explanation or justification when you don't have kids. It was never any of their business anyway.
Right?! I don't know why people het pressed honestly
Exactly!!
Imagine being this delusional. Yes, you do owe your Race and people an explanation for why you are an aberration.
but also asking that is the fastest way to weed out manipulative and control freaks out of your life! lol
if they flip for saying " im child free " HUGE red flag 😂
I know for me, I sit on both sides of the fence. I have wanted kids for a long time, but after what I've gone through with various relationships (the last one being a 9-year cycle of narcissistic manipulation and abuse that I've only recently broken free from and am actively working to heal from now), I can say that the right person just hasn't come along for me. I consider myself fortunate to not have had children with my abuser. And I've never wanted to bring children into the world in messed up conditions where they would have to see and / or experience the abuse, or even just a man being incredibly disrespectful to me.
But at the same time, I've kind of made peace with the idea that I may never have biological children. I may adopt, but as I'm turning 40 this year and not in a rush, I might not have my own. That's been a hard thing to process, but I feel more at peace with it now than when everything was fresh and still very painful.
So I'm child-free, sort of by choice and sort of not by choice. Having this conversation with others hits differently depending on the day and what's going on. Being hounded about not having children reminds me that I haven't been able to find a partner I feel truly safe and loved with, and that hurts a LOT. But I'm also at the point where it is what it is. I generally tend to stay away from this conversation except in safe spaces like this.
I'm someone who wants kids but knows I'm not ready and am OK if I don't have my own. I'm nearing 40. Unfortunately, various factors are keeping me from living the "dream", but I'm also grateful because I'm realizing I wasn't prepared when I was younger for what the responsibility of children really looked like. I feel a bit better about it, but know I need to do some more research (I have time since I'm facing a health issue preventing that process from even being possible right now). I know having kids is a HUGE responsibility and I don't want to be stuck in the various situations that I've seen others in with kids.
If you want children with a partner, I think it's great that you're waiting to have kids with someone who isn't an abuser and who you feel will be safe for you to be around. I know too many of my own family members who end up having kids with abusers and end up living a nightmare for YEARS, if not the rest of their life (especially if they married that person, where they can get especially screwed during the divorce).
I hope you encounter the life you are seeking :-)
Also, if this helps, I found out in the past few months that 52 is now the approved age to still have a healthy pregnancy. My sister actually knows someone who is currently pregnant at 51 and moving along just fine in her pregnancy. Add'l, I don't know if you caught this in the news, but a 70-year-old woman successfully had a child. I believe IVF for fertilization and than a c-section for delivery made it possible. Fortunately, we're being afforded time these days.
Watching your videos has made me a better human being.
xoxoxo
I’m not because I won’t make a good mom. Too much mental illness from child abuse and childhood trauma still affecting my life. I won’t judge people. Thanks for your openness. ETA: I’m 57 yo now. No chance of that now.
Such an honest and real conversation. I am 46 and I decided long ago that children weren't in my plans and was shamed when I was younger. I think the tone is changing to being more accepting towards someone's decision regarding children.
I am childfree by choice, but work with kids. Everyone in my inner circle has always treated it as no big deal (which I appreciate), but I have had some crazy conversations about it with random strangers in the course of my work. I was once at a park with 2 kids. I was making small talk with another woman while we were pushing kids on the swings, and at some point she made a reference to me being "mom" and I said I wasn't. So then she asked if I had kids, if I was planning on it, how old I was. Upon finding out I was 30, she told me that my window was closing and I should really just have at least one kid soon "just in case you change your mind later and want kids, because pretty soon it will be too late." That still makes me so sad. It's not like a kid is a bag of flour that I can buy and keep in my pantry just in case I decide to make some cookies later even if I don't want any today. I believe that every kid deserves to be born having at least one person in their life that views them as a miracle and is absolutely thrilled that they are in this world. I know that I am not that person, and that I absolutely could not do it 24/7.
Agreed! Wanting kids is a commitment and an action. People accidentally get pregnant all the time, then just keep the course of their lives “on that track” for the sake of everyone else… even when they are miserable. Such hurt and pain
@mariemulqueen6587 Totally agree with your comment, and love this: "I believe that every kid deserves to be born having at least one person in their life that views them as a miracle and is absolutely thrilled that they are in this world." Yes!
As a CFBC (childfree by choice) woman in my late 30s, I really appreciate you sharing this. It's an important topic and great to hear a level-headed take as I've also seen this discussion escalate to levels I'm uncomfortable with (by both parents and childfree). I will add that I think it's important to acknowledge that we as CFBC folks are in the minority and deserve a bit of credit for choosing thoughtfully instead of going with the ready-made parenting option that would afford us so much more societal acceptance. I speculate often that a reason parents become defensive or explain their choice unnecessarily when we discuss the childfree life is because they either (1) didn't consider that they could have chosen differently, or (2) didn't have the courage to choose for themselves and push back against cultural norms. I think that if parents became parents out of what their heart wanted, then they would have little need to become defensive. I feel for their children but I also think it illustrates a cautionary tale that choosing from one's truth and not from a place of obligation can often be difficult but is so very important.
So very well said ❤
❤️🙌
Agree with these points 100%!
I think if I had all the information before I had children, I wouldn’t have kids. I love all 3 of my kids BUT having kids wasn’t a choice until my second baby so it’s bittersweet. I will always love my girls but due to trauma it really stresses me out that they deserve better
Don't wreck or guilt yourself 🤗
You are an amazing momma.. and those girls are lucky to have you. But I know it can be complicated, especially when we didn't get the choice. xoxo
I feel you. Its so so hard especially when you're tryingng to heal yourself. You're doing great 🤗
Being wanted and loved is the best there is. Without that the rest means less than nothing.
61 here. Single and childfree. Love my life. Always have. Thank you for this video.
Agree with all you said. I’m 41, married for 15 years and we both decided no kids. I was a child psychologist for 20 years (retired in 2021) and helped raise my 11 years younger sister so I’ve had my fill. Niece and nephews are enough for me. Freedom and peace and quiet are my top values in life now. I don’t want anything changing the blessed relationship I have with my husband and I’m not equipped with the physical and even mental health that I would want in order to raise kids the way I would like to. Very happy with two dogs 🐩 🐩 and one cat 🐈⬛ They already take enough of our time and energy. I love the child free life. I have however been questioned and sometimes vilified over it unfortunately but luckily I’m solid in my decision so it doesn’t rattle me too much. Loved the video. Thanks for talking on an important topic such as this. It’s definitely either becoming more common or just more accepted or perhaps both. Nice to feel not so isolated in such a huge life decision 😅
You're not alone at all. I'm almost 60 and didn't have kids either. To each their own, I say.
More Kati Unfiltered videos here: ua-cam.com/play/PL_loxoCVsWqxMGZ1jTkj_mR_bxi1Pl1kV.html
I had a hard growing up. I won't go into it cubically but when I was 19 it was the final straw. When I was 20 I knew for sure I didn't want kids. I haven't looked back. I have travelled, started a small business, worked on my career. I don't regret it
I feel so left out of my group of friends. We always talked about having kids. Now we’re 38 and it’s not for me. Neither is marriage apparently since I’m also the only divorcee 😭
Sending you positive energy and support. I hear your pain, Dear.
I feel you. I’m kinda in the same situation. Even relationships are hard for me. Got separated from who I thought was the love of my life and can’t see how I’ll ever want to be with someone again. It’s a difficult feeling 😢
People with children that get angry at childfree people deep down regret having childre and it is painful fir them to ti realize it, so they get madmad at others
I know several couples who have chosen not to be parents….it’s their decision & I respect it!!🎯
I've never hit a notification faster! I can't wait to watch this. I'm child free as well by choice❤
Sameeee
I don't know why this subject is even a public health subject. We are not under-populated, that's for sure-so this doesn't really need to be a discussion in society. It's a personal choice. In my early adulthood, I didn't want children but got pregnant out of naivete' and owned up. However...that was the only child I ended up having. He had a stepbrother and three step-sisters, so he was anything but lonely.
I think there’s a group of people who blindly went along and had kids like society says but then they are jealous of people who utilized their decision not to have kids. Sorry, but these people are jealous. So they say ignorant things.
I wonder if people who feel the need to defend having kids are really trying to justify it to themselves. I’d love to see more conversations about parents who regret having children or had unintended pregnancies
This is a tough ask because their kids would have to hear how their parents regret having them. I feel like some parents justify it because they feel like admitting it implies they don't love their children. I can see how it can be emotionally damaging to kids to know their parents regret having them - it can make them feel unwanted.
Yes and they tell you to do it so you’ll be miserable too
NO
No, we're just tired of being told how disgusting it is, how destroyed our bodies are, and how our lives are ruined. The truth is I LOVE my family and when I am old and dying, I will have loved ones around to comfort me. I no longer have kids at home and enjoy a child-free lifestyle and still have a family who love me. I enjoy traveling, running my business, and socializing, and all of the other child-free benefits, while still having the blessings of family. Having children does NOT destroy a care-free lifestyle. It may delay that lifestyle, but it doesn't prevent it.Without a family, eventually that care-free lifestyle slips away, and then what do they have? Child-free people will die alone with no one to care for them in their old age. They have my pity, not my disdain.
@@SP-ml3bs If you made a personal decision not to have children for your own well being I fully support that.
I am sorry for your struggle. I also was raised in an alcoholic household and I made a decision to be a good parent. It's about choices. I took childhood development classes, psychology, read, and took other measures to ensure I had a different parenting style than my parents. It was a personal decision. - So own your decision and stop blaming others. Your parents aren't the reason you're not having children. YOU are the reason - and that's ok. Just own it.
However, I am not sure what you found insulting about my comment. I talked about MY experience and didn't direct anything at you or anyone else. I think you should go back and read your original comment and think about how that reads so someone who wants or has children. You basically said that I did't want mine, and that I regret having children so am trying to justify it - which is absolutely NOT true. I don't need to justify my decision to be a parent just like you do't need to justify yours not to be one. I LOVE my family and I am tired of people who don't want children telling me how awful of a decision it is. Maybe it's not the right decision for you, and again, I support your choice and the right to make it - but you were the first to be insulting with that original comment about parents defending themselves because we really didn't want our children after all and won't admit it. THAT was insulting. If you are talking about the old and alone part - that wasn't intended to be an insult- it's just the way things tend to end up. I've seen it and it's really really sad. If that's not what you want for yourself, there are ways to mitigate it by planning well and financially preparing for your retirement years. Making and keeping friends, and maintaining close relationships with the family you do have such as siblings, cousins, or others... but the truth is, what I said IS a fact of life for many people. SO I am sorry if you felt I was insensitive, but it is something child-free people should be thinking about to make their later years more comfortable and better than they might be otherwise.
I will repeat - If you don't want children - you don't need to justify that decision to anyone - but OWN IT. Don't blame your parents, don't blame society, don't blame childhood abuse. Just own it. If you want them have them. If not, then don't. But please DO NOT insult people who do have or want children with petty comments like the one you made about us regretting it. I DO NOT for a single moment regret my decision to have children. Comments like yours ARE one reason child-free people get push back and less respect about their choices. It's not my fault you were abused It's not my fault you struggle with mental illness, and it's not my fault you were raised in a substance abuse environment (as are a lot of people who turn out to be good parents), and it's not my fault you don't want children. However, I fully support that decision. No one should be forced to have children they don't want. No child should be born to a family who doesn't love and want them.
This whole video is soooo relatable. Hubs and I have been together for 9 years, get asked this all the time and my answer is always the same “we have cats”. Its so frustrating being asked repeatedly or told “awe just have one”. When it’s my body and our life being impacted by that decision - not them. Society construct is so weird.
This world today is terrifying on its own, so much hate and hardships, why would I want to contribute. Kids are also sticky/expensive and loud. Then tack on School years and all the sicknesses. No thanks.
I’m grateful to know myself well enough to acknowledge having a kid would be too much /not worth it for us and our dynamic. It’s not like generations before this really had a choice, they did to an extent but society wise not really.
I would rather “regret not having one” then have a kid just to regret the choice down the line as they grew up. Know people who regret the kids they have and that’s not okay. Call me selfish but I think kids deserve parents that can afford all the things, stable/healthy minded and truly want them around. Not just because neighbor Jackie down the road has 5 and thinks her’s need friends.
Totally agree with you!!!
It’s these kinda of topics that really bring out the emotional instability and insecurities of others.
As an adult who’s childhood was spent being emotionally lonely, loneliness and boredom is the last thing that terrifies me. I never imagined becoming a mother, it’s like I went blind on my future and never saw myself being a mother, like I subconsciously decided as a child that If I take care of myself that’s enough , all I ever wanted is companionship.
OH my God this is 100% relatable omg!!! I dont have a partner/husband/boyfriend yet, which is also scary bcs what if they want a kid and i dont? however, i also feel having a traumatic childhood has a lot to do with coming to this decision, i dont think ill be a good mother, cus i am selfish and avoidant in many ways!!!!! id rather be a fun aunt, than a barely holding it together mother!
Why a I feel that childfree are in general more mature than parents :(
Travel, money, sleep, less worry = 🏆
agree
Personly i think everyone is free, but i think it's better if parents take courses or study before having kids because not everyone knows how to be a parent and that's normal, they have to learn, and personaly i don't want to have kids
Thank you, Katie. I did want kids and it didn’t work out and then I got to the point where I knew I just didn’t have the energy for it. It is deeply deeply painful when people (and practical strangers) cannot just accept that I don’t have children and they need to ask me why or even tell me they feel sorry for me. If you’re reading this and you have done this please for God sakes stop asking people stuff that’s not your business.
That’s right I completely agree
Another interesting aspect is the pressure to be a grand parent. I don't have children and my mum finds she's left out of a lot of stuff because she's not got grandkids. She recently got told she'd not be so selfish if she had grandchildren!! I think children and grandchildren are an area that people shouldn't go to.
My sympathies. Your mother shouldn't be passing her issues onto you, if you ask me. It sounds like she's quite selfish and grandchildren can't fix that, but she could try working on herself if she wants to change for the better.
I grew up in a household where “we didn’t have mental health concerns”, so all of us were not healed in one way or another. I still struggle with being told I ruined my mothers life while she was having a breakdown herself. I was expressly told I was nothing but a burden & to let my family name die with me. So I took it to heart.I made the decision back in high school that I will not have kids. I don’t want to pass along that kind of pain to anybody. I can barely take care of myself if my depression is bad enough, so I don’t think it’s a good idea to have small humans dependent upon me. But now that im married, I get the “when are kids happening?” questions a lot.
I think people who react with anger towards people who are child free is because they maybe feel shamed for their choices. I think both sides are valid and we should respect both. Life is complicated as it is and we can all learn to drop the judgment.
I love hearing when people make the decision to not have children. What I've found is that a few of my friends don't want children but we all keep it on the down low because people become so easily offended on the topic. To be honest myself and those friends think that a lot (probably most) of people who do have children shouldn't, their motivations quite often being based in the need to have something to love them and 'fix' their childhood issues and meet their unmet needs... talk about perpetuating trauma.
It’s not being selfish! Who are you selfish to?! Someone who doesn’t exist?! No. Nobody.
Society selfishly assumes it is entitled to children it will only take for granted just like how corporations lay off workers while simultaneously complaining about labour shortages.
LOVE this video! I'm ace, 53 yo, single woman, and GLAD! Not to mention... in the USA, health care is SOOOOO expensive... I'm nearly penniless after basic needs met... how the heck could I afford a child?! Just NO! But for folks w/ kids, great! Go to it! But not for me. (And the comments about abuse in past... yeah, I sooo get that, too.)
Infertile person here. I'm glad our treatments didn't work out. I didn't have much stamina anyways, I stopped before we even did IUD. Fertility treatments felt like physical and psychological torture. When we didn't conceive, we thought, "this is not meant to be." We realized we were only trying because of pressure from everyone. Deep down, I always knew I couldn't get pregnant. We are so happy with where we are now
We never really made the decision to be child free. My husband didn’t want me to go through child birth but with me, I just really felt like there was never a good time to have kids. I can’t tell you how tired I got of people saying, there is never a good time to have kids, implying that you just make the leap anyway. I remember in my teens there was a time where every child I was around was so annoying I decided I didn’t like children. I don’t feel that way now, I’m 54 and enjoy spending some time with my great niece and nephews. I’m satisfied with that.
I love this and it needs be seen by more people. I am a 60yr old Mom and Grandma. I always wanted children and I had three. Of those three only one has ever wanted children and I am fine with that. My oldest doesn't feel the need to create addition stress to an already over burdened planet. My youngest doesn't wish to take up her time with children. And that is their decision to make! Both of them love their nephews to pieces and enjoy teaching them and spending time with them. I never felt an overwhelming need for grand babies but I am beyond happy that those two scamps came into my life.
Edit: I wanted to add, the tragedy of not being able to have a child when you want one is just as heartbreaking. I was lucky enough to have my son, but after the death of my daughter during the pregnancy and the added pain of being told that it would not be safe to try to have any more children was also devastating. I guess we just need to be mindful and careful around certain topics.
Original post: I would rather people decide not to have children rather than discover after having a baby that they don't want to have children. It is a big investment of time and energy and to regret bringing a life into the world is tragic.
I am glad that I was able to become a mom, but being a parent is not for everyone. It is good to know yourself and your spouse well enough to make that informed decision. Same with getting seriously involved in a relationship. I saw enough broken families and ugly divorces to make me hesitant about getting into a serious relationship, let alone get married. I am happy with my decision to get married, but that is the important thing. I made the decision. I didn't let outside forces decide for me. Same with becoming a mom. I decided to work toward that goal. I didn't let outside forces decide that for me either.
Kati, so important you talk about this! Thank you! I personally have a therapist who is supporting my decision to be childfree. We talk a lot about seeing society's norms critically. This means sooo much to me and I am incredibly grateful for this! Not every therapist is like that.
I love living child free by choice. Me and my husband did want children but we've changed our minds and now we enjoy not having them. I've always been a huge animal lover and I have a senior cat who is very snuggly. She fills my maternal instinct. Me and my partner can change our mind one day, but as of today I love being a mom to my animals. Everytime I see my mom she asks me "when are you gonna have a baby" I tell her I don't have any plans currently. I say that every time. I wish she could see how this regular questioning bothers me. But it's something I have come to expect and accept.
Having kids is such a personal choice. Some people have dreamed about being a parent their whole life, other people have different dreams.
I feel like I am hearing myself talking. I totally agree with you. I don't judge anyone for their choices, I don't even believe that one choice is right and the other wrong. I am just getting annoyed for all the judgment we get because of that
PREACH!! 🙌 I have a type of epilepsy that makes it extremely dangerous to have kids so I had my tubes tied 🪢 By the way people reacted to my decision, you’d think I had committed a war crime 🙄
You did the right thing. We have a friend who did the same because both he and his wife were abused growing up and we really respect them for that realization and their decision. Everyone has the right to live their own life path the way they see fit. People who act negatively towards our decisions aren't worth our time.
I've always wanted to have a baby. I thought it through for many years, logically, and realised that the baby is only a baby for about a year. AND that year of having a baby is also a year of sleep deprivation. I don't enjoy ANYTHING when i'm sleep deprived. So I realised that the 'bliss' and 'joy' of having a baby would be cancelled out by the sleep deprivation. That realisation has kept me from giving into broodiness. It's such a blessing to have developed the ability of critical and logical thinking.
As someone who has kids, dont jump into having kids. Think long and hard about it because it is the single most challenging and exhausting thing Ie ever taken on. Im now tasked with raising children with the added bonus of facing my triggers and trying not to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
That said, Im not a fan of the kind of people on r/childfree who literally think children shouldn't exist. I get it. Kids are annoying. MY kids are annoying (love em though). That doesn't mean you should be calling them "crotchfruit" or being mad that a kid breathes near you.
This hits home so hard for me. I'm aroace, I don't experience romantic and sexual attraction to anyone, and as of now I don't see myself with a partner, and I'm also not sure about kids. I have people asking me about getting into a relationship and they often can't understand. When it is really my choice and my choice alone whether I want to invite any of those into my life. It can be very frustrating.
It really taught me that often we don't question our assumptions and to try to approach people with curiosity instead (put very simply)
Coming from someone who laughs at other people's "standards" and predisposed molds, I empathize with you. I can calmly and lovingly communicate truth and my stance to people until I'm blue in the face, and I can tell my words are not falling onto fertile soil. 🤣Most individuals are numb-skulls, programmed drones.
I’ve thought if I couldn’t have a child it would be my greatest regret. I’m 33 still trying but now I’m second guessing if I want the responsibility. I have a 9yr old daughter with my X.
Thanks for sharing this Katie! No one should ever feel guilt or shame for having boundaries!
As the mother of 4 kids, I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts and support your decision. I always knew I wanted kids and a lot of them. And boy is it hard as hell being a mom. I love them to death and I'm so glad I have them. But I genuinely can't imagine how much harder it would be to be a parent if you really hadn't desired that and dreamed of it. Honestly if I ever talk to anyone who is on the fence about having them, I almost always encourage them not to. If you're not sure you want them, then you're probably better off not.
Right on. You really care about the future of the children!
I have 3, and I do the same thing - if somebody is on the fence, I will be very honest about how VERY difficult it is. But for me, they're basically the best things that ever happened to me and they feel it. They only encountered the idea that children are a burden after my oldest was exposed to jokes at school and on the internet when he was in grade seven or so. I never joke about being excited about getting rid of them when school starts, or things like that. It's always seemed very rude and the opposite of trust-building, kind of like those "ball and chain/I hate my spouse" jokes that used to be popular.
Do I enjoy getting away? Yes, of course! But that's not really to do with the kids, it's to do with monotony and how I don't like doing the same thing all the time.
People should also stop treating women who choose to have children at an older age like they are making a bad decision. Women over 40 give birth to healthy babies. My mom had me and my twin at 48.
I just respond to “do you have kids?” with “no, thankfully.” It at least makes it clear where I stand right up front.
Thanks for this video, I shared it. I'm childfree myself. The decision to never have a child for me was the best decision I ever made! I don't even like being around children and have never had a desire to have one. I choose not to pass on the intergenerational cycle of trauma as well.
I really like you as a person and truly wish you could be my actual therapist.
Well said Katie (from a Mum of 2) your life, your choice! ✌️❤️
I’ve struggled for many years with infertility and chronic illness, i so desperately want to have kids it consumes my everyday thoughts. However I don’t think anyone should ask, it’s a personal decision and not everyone wants to be a parent and that’s absolutely fine. You also don’t know someone’s situation, it’s soul crushing when some asks why I don’t have kids and reminds me of my biological clock. I wish people would honestly mind their own business.
As a now 50-something women who decided at 25 to not extend my gene pool, I was a spectacle to be ostracized or pitied in my 20s-40. The social and family pressure to procreate was intense and inescapable. Oddly, while most of my friends, family, and society openly opposed my decision, there was a very quiet, whispered group of women who, when no one else could overhear, praised my decision, my tenacity in the face of overbearing outside influences, and whispered that they wished that they had never succumbed to everyone else’s desire for them to have kids. I have always thought that, at some level, the children of these women, would sense their mother’s regret. I also saw the desperation of the women would spend the better part of their lives keeping up the appearance how life is “supposed “ to be. Also, as a teacher, I have seen the devastating abuse dished out by parents who never really wanted children, or who loathed parenting once they had children.
Respect is an important value to teach children. If the parents can’t respect others people decision to be child free how do they expect to raise respect children? The world needs more respectful people, I 💯 percent agree with your point on that Kati! Great convo! And personally I go back and forth with this decision at 32.
Wow, great insight. I actually find that people are becoming more and more hateful, jaded, and selfish. I think having kids is a huge responsibility, but most people don’t think it through. If they do think it through then it’s usually the financial aspect they focus on. Raising wonderful and respectful humans is not given enough importance. I left a comment similar to yours.
I got asked all the time why I'm not in a relationship, and I wouldn't be surprised if most people didn't care whether I was happier, but just used that as a shortcut to ask about kids. I actually would like to have kids, but that ship has probably sailed.
I’m child free as well. Not by choice. Endo and adeno took that choice from me. However, I’m so glad it was. I enjoy my life with my husband and my cat. We chill and do what we want. This world is too much for kids. We have so many that need homes already. And some parents want kids, but more or less suck at parenting.. or are abusive. I grew up in an abusive household for the first 12 yrs of my life. I always worried I would turn out like my mom. I also had a feeling from a young age that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. So, I was prepared to hear the words that I knew were coming before I had my total hysterectomy a year and a half ago. I’m thankful is what I’m trying to say lol. I really would never forgive myself if I effed up on parenting.
As a relatively new mama, I totally understand and agree with you. I have 1 and I'd like to have 2 more. I have always wanted to be a mother and I love it though its definitely a hard choice. But I think it's totally ok and valid to not want kids and I feel like it makes sense, and every couple should be able to choose what is best for them and what they want. I have a couple child free friends who love on my kiddos and are Suto aunties.
I always knew I didn't want kids, now I'm 44 and I'm the only one childless in my family and in my group of friends. All my cousins and friends talk about is their kids, I feel like the odd one out. I wish I could make new friends who are also child free but I'm too old to meet new people and make friends, it's just too difficult
you are definitely not too old to meet new people and make new friends! never!
It definitely gets harder to make new friends as you get older, people your own age are busy with their kids, spouse etc. younger people in their 20s see you as old and wonder why you never had any kids. 😢
Am here😊
I'm the opposite. I dont know anyone else with kids and the lifestyle differences are starting to take their toll on friendships (not having money to go out, not going out on school nights, etc). I wish I could make mom friends
Thank you for sharing this with us, we are always here for u💜💜
Thank you Kati for covering this topic. I'm at the age where I'm feeling the pressure to 'catch up' with my peers' milestones, but seeing them go through the challenges of parenthood (including major health challenges) has helped me come to realise that it's probably not what I want. This has eased the pressure a little as I no longer feel I have to find a suitable partner soon and start trying to get pregnant, which at my age would need to happen on quite a condensed timeline! It is still challenging feeling out of step with cultural/ societal expectations but I'm beginning to feel more peaceful about it.
I’ve babysit before, there’s no way I’m having children
the scariest thing i've been hearing people say for years is "i guess it's time to have one. i'm in that age you know?!" or "shawn really wanted it so... it was the next step.". it's mindblowing to me the amount of people having kids just because-