Self-Defeating Behaviors Are Signs of Trauma, But They're Not Who You ARE
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- Опубліковано 18 кві 2023
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When people tell you you're worthless (especially parents) it plants a seed that shows up later in the form of self-sabotaging decisions. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman whose life is burdened with bad choices that she can't seem to stop making. Hear my advice on how to heal the damage from trauma-driven choices and start healing your life.
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I am 37. This story almost mirrors mine and it is not easy but you can change. I also was a sex worker on and off because I was made to think it's all I was good for. Anna knows the truth, it is not empowering, it is eroding to the soul. I finally got so sick of myself I vowed to change and it started with making a lot less money and working more, living with roommates again, and being very lonely for a few months because you have to abandon everyone you hung out with in your unhealthy life. I know this sounds bad but when I look back on my life it was some of my fondest memories because I was showing up for myself, trying to become the person I knew I could be before my abusive parents got into my brain. It took a couple of years of solid emotional work, joining a gym or a church was helpful because I was around better people. Before long, I met the man I am with now who treats me with love and respect every day. He knows about my past but he didn't care because by the time he met me, I was almost a completely different, healthier person. To the woman who wrote this letter, please do not let fear stop you, you obviously want to change. It will go by faster than you realize if you truly make the commitment and once you get to the other side of this, life is so much sweeter and it will have been so VERY worth it. ❤
"It took a couple of years of solid emotional work, joining a gym or a church was helpful because I was around better people. Before long, I met the man I am with now who treats me with love and respect every day. He knows about my past but he didn't care because by the time he met me, I was almost a completely different, healthier person. To the woman who wrote this letter, please do not let fear stop you..."
ALLL OF THIS was *so AWESOME* to read. Hugs to you @MariaAdriannaTOH, thank you for sharing this, and may the OP and others be encouraged!
@@ReindeertheGermanShepherdDog you are welcome, hugs from me to you 🤗
I have a similar story to you. Am almost done with a college degree in my late 30s because sex work being empowering is a lie! So grateful I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s an uphill battle trying to figure out how to rejoin society.
I think it takes a lot of courage to do this, especially telling yourself the truth at the beginning of your journey.
@@presidentamanda7468 thank you for sharing. Your courage is inspiring and I’m wishing you success.
CPTSD can also be caused by school bullies rather than parents. My mother and step father were very loving but were unable to protect me when I was at school.
I believe it is your parents responsibility to help protect you from that, or at the very least, help you process and overcome it.
Bullies pick up children based on the lack of boundaries and support they have in their families. In healthy family, parents should notice something is going on and take right action to protect the child. Parents may smile and be nice, but be negligent at the same time.
@@mintyhippo8125 honestly I blame the teachers who stood by and did nothing more than anyone else. In the UK parents can be prosecuted for not sending their child to school. My parents needed to earn money and could not afford to home school me. I actually felt that I was on the receiving end of other children's (ie the bullies) bad homelives)parenting through their aggressive behaviour. I wish that my parents had tried to get me more emotional support when I finally finished school but they instead encouraged me to move on as quickly as possible.
@@emmacollett2629 yeah, it is understandable if you did not have other options for education. Even with that, I feel like parents should step up and defend their child as much as possible. Plus, helping you through it as it happened.
@@niebieskimotyl3308 exactly.
Thank you for being so honest about how terrible prostitution is for everyone involved. It's awful and people need to stop pretending it's good or empowering, it degrades everyone.
Good luck Margie, hope you can get free soon!! Sounds like you really love your kids!
I understand how being told repeatedly that you're ugly as a kid can affect you years later. I got it all growing up from other kids and adults around me that I was ugly. If someone even slightly hinted that I might have any good physical features, my mom would quickly let me know that they were just trying to be nice. Even to this day, I have a hard time seeing myself as normal looking even though on a conscious level I know I am.
I was chronically malnourished as a kid, so that didn't help with image issues, and people insisting that I must be ana when I was a teen despite my not having control over the situation.
I’m so sorry for what you went through
I know what it feels like. It would have better if cruel people had just said nothing.
It makes me angry and sad to read this. A hug for you. ❤🩹
40 years ago I was a secretary and I hated it. One day I woke up and said to myself I would never type another letter for work again. I phoned up my work and told them I was not coming in (I would be more ethical now and give notice). I am in Europe so the benefits system helped me to survive. But I did and trained as became a professional artist. My choice was to live simply, and that can be done on very little, certainly in France. I am now retired but my determination not to compromise and be miserable in what to me was life-destroying work, was the best decision I ever made. I type letters for myself but for no-one else. Curious that the computer age has made even doctors type their own work!
Well done!
I'm proud of you my love ☺💜
I’ve never known who I am. I became who I needed to be to survive.
Amen to that.
I'm so sad. Speechless. I'm PTSD. I didn't know allllll this. & I've been in therapy for years!!!!!. I'm just mum. I had the worst parents. There both gone. & I'm so much older. But not wiser. I'm sick to my stomach everyday thinking about the past abuse. And let me tell u it was real bad. Thank you Anna for bringing this to light. I am so appreciative... U give so much of yourself. Thank you. I cry almost everyday. I want to crawl up in a corner and stay there forever... Ty🥺
A HUGE thank you for calling out porn users. Twenty-three years ago I was deeply involved with a man addicted to porn. Back then nobody would admit it could happen, but times have changed and it's a serious problem nowadays. It was awful and humiliating to go from being cherished to disparaged and ignored. Porn addiction really does change a person into a selfish, secretive and creepy person.
What the fuck b
There's a really good dark comedy being streamed on the BBC at the moment. It's called Rain Dogs. It's about a woman who was sexually abused by her narcissistic mother and goes on to be a peep show girl in London. It's also about the broken souls around her and their non caring and neglectful/abusive parents. Their self defeating behaviours. It's a very good watch based on a true story written by a woman called Cash Carraway. I myself have complex ptsd and so I identify with this story.
Anna, I’m absolutely blown away by your work and the community you’ve built. After a lifetime of trying and failing, I’ve sort of given up. Do I ever wish that I’d found you thirty years ago! Now I’m totally frozen. Maybe something will shift in me one day and I’ll defrost, who knows? Meanwhile, it’s truly a comfort to know that there may be another explanation for my life being an unnatural disaster - an explanation that isn’t based on me being a piece of human garbage. I really appreciate your work and every person who is trying so darn hard to tend their garden: the work is long, hard, and often thankless, but I imagine it’s totally worth it. ❤
What a kind comment. The work has nice payoffs very early on that make it a pleasant road to travel. Take heart!
The fact you can say what you said shows that you've more than started the process. Feeling like human garbage is so sad, but I get it, it used to be (and sometime still is) my place of 'safety' cos of my own screwed up upbringing. Keep tending your garden, I'm 63 and still thawing out from the horrible habits I had to use to survive. My garden is a bit of a mess (i'm a gardener by profession) but it's getting a bit lighter. And yes, Anna is a star.
It is. I traveled a similar road, so I know. It isn't always easy to find help, but it can be done. Don't give up on yourself. You're here for a reason.
Oh my!
I wish I didn’t know what it’s like to never be told that I was pretty or cute or anything even remotely ‘nice’ by my parents.
I wish I didn’t know what it’s like to have a parent who’s so consumed by the other parent that they have nothing to give their children.
I wish I didn’t see my mom constantly scream at my father for not being good enough.
I wish I didn’t know what it’s like to have a father who implied far too much that I wasn’t that bright or talented and my siblings were better than me.
I wish I didn’t know how easy it can be to turn to p*rn and other things to make a living.
I wish I didn’t know how difficult it can be to live a better life.
❤🤗
I wish these forums were not necessary. However, thank God there is help with Anna and her great advice. It does work.
When I told my parents I felt like they didn't like me (age 7) they laughed and sang that songs about eating worms.
The encouraging words are nice to hear, but I know I will never ever feel ok. But I've learned to live with it and keep moving along.
I'm so sorry to hear that, we understand as few others can the impact that can have on a person. We're all here for you and are sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
big hugs to you x
I grew up feeling terribly ugly and worthless as a person and so, like the woman in this letter, I used sex to fill that void. It’s a horrendous way to be but I’m slowly healing. As a vulnerable woman, toxic and abusive men detect that and use that to their advantage. I have a daughter with whom I religiously guide her on sexuality, consent, and self-esteem. I never received that kind of love as a child.
I love this healing story! Thank you for telling us and giving hope to all! I'm happy for your daughter.
My mom was the same way. Both of my parents were. Healing until I die. Literally.
I remember my dad coming up behind me & hitting me on the head when I was in the bathroom. He said, "Don't be looking in the mirror so much." He was a catholic with all kinds of misogynistic rules.
This is me. Right down in there, I feel I'm no good. That punishing super ego!
I get my 8 year coda chip next month. 2 years ago, with 16 year old twins, one autistic, I quit the spa where I did massages and facials like a slave and I’ve been working towards my Bachelor’s in Teaching. One day I just had the courage. We do not have to remain victims of our childhood. We are adults now and the world is our oyster🎉 oh and I’m a single mom too.💪
I really like how you brought in the concept of dignity. I think as women who have loved and lost, that is something we should focus on.
I still agonise over my decision to break up with my first love because he cheated on me 4 months into my 12 month working holiday overseas. I should mention that was decades ago but it traumatised me to break up with him and set off a chain reaction of disastrous relationships for the rest of my life. Although I know it all began with my abusive childhood.
Margie, you’re a great mom. Wishing you a future filled with freedom and joy for you and your daughters
Thanks for sharing these kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
Finally a channel about CPTSD that resonates with me. I have always been drawn to psychology topics, especially having to do with overbearing parents, narcissism and codependency. I see myself in so many of the situations in these letters. I'm leaning on God and people like you Anna. It's so hard to find a suitable therapist even when you have the access to therapy. I'm about to end it with my current therapist because she keeps cancelling, shortening sessions because of something she has going on, just not very professional. I will continue watching your videos and hopefully I can find a therapists that actually knows what they are doing and cares. I believe this kind of work is a talent and not that many people with the credentials actually have the gift to help others. Thank you for your work.
Glad that Anna's videos are resonating, and that you're setting boundaries with your current therapist. Sending you encouragement as you continue healing. - Ashley, Team Fairy
🙏 Thank you Anna. I know by experience how sex without love... burned a hole in my soul? It's so hurting. My nature bonded and it ripped parts of me away. That's how it felt as i reconnected with these lost parts. Lost and self abandoned to enable myself to use sex for bonding in my case to get security in exchange what never happened. I got my lesson. And thanks to your compassionate healing work teaching and your daily practice i now am on my way to get to know lost parts and to take care of them in a mother like growing mindset way instead of buying in the lies i have been told growing up. It's so sad that we adapt in believing them. It's so hard to recognize when never someone gave an alternative...😢
I can't thank you enough. I do. For me and for my beloved son, also from a miserable relaitionship. Living alongside, sharing the same pain from our childhood, having intimate contacts to get keep it going and when hormones pushed me over my boundary's, with then drifting apart but living in a shared tiny flat. Bonded by trauma and poverty ... I allowed so much painful wrong stuff to happen.
I have to shovel all the old dirt away for a while until it's good but thanks to your support i have orientation even if the dirt is so thick i can't see light. You are such a blessing. I am having tears of thankfulness for you and for compassion with the writer of the letter. ♥️
As you read this letter aloud, I saw my mother's mouth moving - saying those same words. She frequently told me that she was sorry that I had been born. I'm 65 and just starting to see a trauma counselor. I think it's too late for me.
Better late than never, Ms. Blair. You're doing a lot better than my own Narcissistic mother only two years younger than you who is avoiding her pain with dopaminergic activities of doomscrolling Tiktok instead of confronting her sins and traumas with professional help. I hope this is inspirational or at least able to give you some hope!
It is never too late. Make these your Golden Years, okay?
~This might sound strange, but i was told how great i was doing at things, that i could clearly see i was not, in other words, all of the praise i got felt very over the top condescending, which even as a child made me feel they didnt think i was actually capable of doing well at anything~
I have a similar thing in believing people when they tell me I’m good at something. I think it’s partly because there are some that would manipulate with false praise, and partly my perfectionism. In my case that perfectionism is related to CPTSD and easing up on it has helped me to trust people a bit more and care about superficial validation a lot less. It can also occur with those who are exceptionally bright or aware, in that they tend to place higher standards upon themselves. I have a (grown) kid like that. They gave her the “talented and gifted” label in first grade, which was both a blessing and a curse.
@@sweetsugarjones ~Yes, i was also labeled as super smart, however, the praise was so patronizing, it felt insulting, even as a child~
Condescension is a tactic of narcissism, it comes under the umbrella of Infantilization, treating you like a child regardless of your age, abilities and life experience, even into adulthood. They also do this to retain the parent / child power dynamic. They never want to be equals with you, they will never allow it to naturally happen, they will never acknowledge and validate you as a mature adult. They try to make you dependent and feel incapable and then criticize and shame you for struggling. They are mentally ill, starting to heal is when you stop pedestaling them, bring them down to size in your mind, and come to terms with this fact. Go no contact, get over the fact of family being sacred and blood thicker than water and all that garbage, it may be true for most people, but not if your parents are narcissists.
@@kathyingram3061 Patronizing is the word my daughter used to describe it as a child, in direct reference to her teachers. Not that you are exactly the same, but it’s something I’d like to understand better. Do you think it was related to specific people in your life? Or are we missing the mark as a society at large? I’ve always had some conflicted thoughts about singling people out as “special”. What defines that, and is it a practice that is “othering” despite our best intentions?
I am so eternally grateful to the universe for leading me to your lovely channel. A part of my trauma has led me to deeply yearn to help others over myself so when you read out letters from people and then support them, I feel like I'm a part of that circle of discussion. What an amazing format because when you are giving these healing tips and suggestions, they are not directed at me, I am having to do the work to pick up applicable elements myself. My brain is more accepting to this because it's not like a bad parent telling you what to do, the decisions and interpretations come from within.
That's an interesting observation. As a person giving feedback, I've noticed that the UA-cam format mitigates the intensity of what it would be like if I were telling someone face to face!
So lovely!
What a great description of why we enjoy watching these videos so much.
Wow that is such an astute observation, so true for me too!
@9:25 Thank you for having the courage to say it, Anna! ♥
"Don't date where you heal" = "Don't poop where you eat" 😅
I appreciate mentioning these 12 step programs. I go to CODA, ACOA and Alanon. I did get rid of all the bad men, but even at jobs these Narcissists are just all over the place!!😢
Yep, but if you can label them, you can ay, "Look, tehre's the narcissist. Grayrock him."
9:41 Thank you as always. Please consider making a video on your insights regarding the implications of pornography usage / signs of usage in partners (if you haven’t already) . It would be very helpful 🙌🏽 Thank you again!
I love you Anna! I watch your wonderful videos from Canada.. wish you all the blessing!
"You're so full of shit your eyes are brown!"
(My Dad's mantra.) My Mother was fearful and non-nurturing except to my little brother. She projected all that contempt upon me.
Right on Anna!
You're amazing❤
I used to live in Atlantic City and I remember as a kid watching people on the boardwalk and wondering to myself what their lives were like at home,or where they are going etc. as I got older I adopted the term " I wonder how the other half lives?"
Sometimes it feels like people «have fun» that ends in birth of a child and later is pissed about this fact. Partially, I think it's due to hookup culture, where people have sex without understanding any consequence, almost in an impulsive manner. And those children that born afterwards would suffer due to the parent(s). And this parent would blame child for his own mistake, not him/herself. For instance, I think my father got my mom impregnated, didn't want to commit, later, 7 years later they divorced. And he acted toward me in a narcissistic manner, humiliating me. I even suspect that he married my mom only due to the voices of his surroundings, i.e. his mother and his relatives. I even think that if he didn't speak with them or they had influence over him - he wouldn't have probably married my mom. And it looks like an idea that narcissist doesn't want to see how his reputation disparages.
Thankyou so much ❤
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm confused i thought any pencil fairy hold is the fairy pencil ....oh no i have to go watch some fairy tales now ...lol so sorry you lost your magical pencil!
It's true. Any pencil will do! I did love that pink one though.
5:11 5:06 - OK I have to say that this guy was sitting by your side because you were all that he had. He explained you he he exploited you he used. She was a cover-up of his original, or the son and girlfriend you know about if he actually cared about you and his daughters, he would not have done any of what he did let’s be real so this guy he didn’t, love you for you. The reason he didn’t give mind your past because he has a bad past, and he knows that there has to be someone who’s either a as much of a jerk at him or be someone who is very traumatized and good intention with a warm heart that just wants to be loved and to love and stop having to repeat the same traumatic events over and over again and this man does not love you I don’t think he ever did love you and again he’ll sit by you. He was there for himself because he knew people who are more in healing or perhaps had a family member or like a sibling that would help them whatever you know, there’s a lot of people who are not put up with his BS so you were his ticket to hopefully wherever he wanted to go. It didn’t end up working out too well. And I don’t think your daughters deserve someone like that as a father it takes a lot of work a lot of work to change that much if he’s lied to his sons mother that you found out about he’s lying to you too and your daughters are going to end up hurt most likely and finding out about all the lies after they learned that their dad is a fraud to me. That’s the truth I don’t know. I’m sorry if this comment on the crappy childhood hey honey,, I mean people let me know if Barry the Barry, Barry, the fairy
I was reading you descripton searching for your college certificates and degrees to see what qualifies you. It said your parents were alcpholics. That's all the proof I need to know your qualified.
But... what if you ARE a worthless monster?
Edit: Pffft... I can beat that bad mom story. MINE told me she was convinced I was going to be a serial killer when I was 12.
Curious what a kid may have if they grew up in a loving environment and still experience this. Could it be trauma from something their subconscious is trying to keep you from looking at?
Yep
Can you stop the Daily Practice once you're feeling better? Thank you, Anna. Your advice is always kind and compassionate and spot on.
You can do anything you want to do. Some people use the DP only occasionally, to get rid of bad feelings. But if you really want to change your life, I suggest you use it as taught, twice a day with meditation and a buddy to read to at least once a week.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy My life is already changing. If you're supposed to tear up the pages, which is what I believe you said, then how can you read them to someone else? Also, I fel it's too personal to read to someone. This is going to sound crazy, but how about a pet? Thank you.
@@goldalevin869 Good questions! First, You can save it for the day if you will be reading to someone or think you might. Once you go to bed, it's to be torn up though. Don't return to old writings after the day has passed. If the same stuff comes up again, you can read it then. But otherwise, forgetting the problem is the goal! And no, not a pet. It needs to be someone who themselves uses these techniques.
@@annarunkle9819 They do lighten problems for sure. Thank you for all you do. You've helped me, and I know you've helped others.
Can autism in combination with your enviroment also be the cause of trauma/CPTSD? Certain traits are the same between CPTSD and autism behaviour.
My family could make me feel unsafe especially the house where i was born. But living with autism without knowing and forcing yourself to school, even more so almost. Everything that overloads the brain, becomes a threat. And there is nothing you can do to fight it (Wich is also how trauma works), except flee. And guess what now i have a avoidant personality disorder.
So what does that say about the combination of my autism and CPTSD combined. A undiagnosed borderline mother. A emotionally not fully there dad. And autism.
I could not agree more with your take on p0rn, it is so destructive on all ends, and the social embracement of it is very concerning! You mentioned that you have met men with who are engaged in this type of behavior and that you could tell, do you think you could do a video on this topic in the future?❤
I feel so sorry for this person… idk if this sounds bad to her but it makes me grateful for where I’m at/what I’m going through… it’s nothing compared to all of that. I see how you could get stuck in that situation of just having a sugar daddy and a part time job, but honestly, she just really needs to find more hobbies or get to know herself deeper so she knows what she likes to do outside of sex work 😔 easier said than done when you’re working through trauma.
If you can pole dance give classes. I spend a FORTUNE every month on pole fitness! 😊
I was told that daily
Thank you for providing her help for free! She has no money and it would be a tragedy, allowed herself to be exploited even further to be able to afford help.
I wish her all the love and the strength of the world! She has to just start believing in her worth. ❤ And maybe have the support of other women and real friendships, then her life would transform. Men have nothing to offer to us that could save us! Quite the opposite, they exploit the misery of women for their own benefit and to feel powerful.
It's the men who were preying on her vulnerabilities that are weak, not her! She has never harmed anyone, that's strength. She's stronger than all those men together.
Uuuuuuughhhhhh 😴😔😝 Allez faut y aller
@@GirlyEnglishGamer That's your contribution, sad troll?
This does not necessarily have to take the form of directly telling you that you are useless and worthless. It can take the form of always trying to get you fixed because you are not smart enough, not tall enough, don't eat enough etc. etc. something is always not right and needs to be fixed. Like pretending to care, because they are working on you, but only to degrade your feelings of self worth. This is where a lot of this child gender mutulation is coming from.
I believe "don't s#$@ where you eat" might be the saying Anna was looking for. 😁
That's the one.
Are you stories mostly female oriented? Or is it just that women are more keen to share / care / work on this?
Good question, men are equally affected by trauma and it's effects...
I think men have written in, but men might still feel stigma for sharing their feelings and weaknesses.
Anna has definitely answered letters from men since I started watching her in 2019.
Shi**ing where you eat, Fairy. That's the saying. Lol
😂
Don't 💩 where ya eat 😆
Keep the SD until you get yourself together. No reason to add more stress by cutting off your own income
I know the trauma is real
Wow, I am so sorry my talk to text is literally not picking up on half my wor is probably because I forgot that I was swapping my cheese and I felt so much need to interject here even though I know you’re probably going to say a lot of what I was saying, but I just really feel so much for this moment like I feel so much like no this guy is not love you no this guy is not good for your daughter he’s gonna keep lying in line and lying that I had to stop washing my teeth and comment and I’m so sorry that my first comment is all over the place to text. Sorry I will try to write a better comment, but I know that you’re in good hands with the fairy the fairy every time I try to say the fairy, it types hairy or Safari, Larry. I’m trying to say FAIRY.
Numb)))))
In my country Its impossible to
Earn a good money..if you don't have a partner you are financialy lost..a help for single mothers is just funny..around 50 euro monthly🙈
You should have to have a license to have kids......you need one to have a dog....even if the dog doesn't drink.
I’ve recently found your channel and I like many things you do here. I also value your empathy and pragmatism. However I completely disagree with your assessment of sex work, I have a close friend that is a sex worker and she was patient and thoroughly educated me about the misunderstandings about sex work. Unfortunately your commentary on this topic in this video further stigmatises sex workers and that is one of the biggest problems in sex work, the stigma. You are emotionally intelligent and just straight up intelligent too, so I hope you don’t fully close your mind about your beliefs about sex work
Her upbringing doesn't justify her becoming a practitioner of the world's oldest profession. Sorry, no sympathy here. Any self respecting man should run away.
Can you make a video for people who got bullied in school ? And how to function in society without thinking people will still bully ?
thank you
It goes deeper Superiority Complexes have to bring you down so they feel better ❤️🩹 about themselves.