Dr.K, I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I've been consuming your content for years, and it has changed my life. I bought every single one of your guides, and internalizing the principles within has transformed me into a much better person. I can clearly divide my life into "before" and "after" discovering your content. All the friends I introduced to your content, who began consuming and applying it as consistently as I do, have also seen their lives radically improve. We now see a noticeable difference in mental health, anxiety, and general issues with trauma and self-sabotage between us and our friends who don't consume your content. I read hundreds of personal development books before finding your content, but nothing has been as transformative. I have unconsciously adopted the principles you teach in this video by consuming hours of your interviews and videos, and true enough, thinking that way has changed my life. Thank you for the positive impact you have on people. I still remember some of the first grainy videos you posted from your hospital dorm room. I know it hasn't been easy and you've had your fair share of mistakes. But thanks for persisting. Your content helped me overcome childhood trauma, a myriad of confidence and self-sabotaging issues, my autism, ADHD, and a 5-year toxic relationship. It has given me an extremely effective framework I use everyday to tackle my life. Before I knew it, I became 5-head too. I am so much happier and well adjusted these days, thanks to the insights and techniques you've courageously offered. I've become someone the people around me can rely on. Thank you Dr.K. I am tremendously grateful that I was born into an era where I was able to learn from you, and I hope you keep going. Your work means more than my words could ever capture. You delivered these revolutions in psychotherapy to me when I needed them most, and I will strive to try to pass them on to live up to the example you have set.
Thank you for commenting on his post. I like going through and reading comments on his videos after I watch them, but reading yours really gives me a lot of hope. Right now life just feels fuzzy, oddly meaningless, and downright confusing. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you give me inspiration that one day I will reshape my way of thinking and truly find peace with who I am.
@@tannercatlin9233 keep doing your best, you got this. Keep studying the content, learn more about yourself, and join some of his online communities if you can. There’s great support out there 🙌
@@fabianesoares7231 After years of suffering from how my ADHD has affected my life and eventually just giving up and ‘accepting’: this is it I have ADHD, I can’t function in school, work, relation etc and will never be able to do things ‘normal’ people can. Dr. K changed that, thanks to him I believe I can change myself and eventually will be able to ‘overcome’ it. Even though i got a long way to go and the process of trying, succeeding for a little while then failing again, learning from my mistakes (not everytime), reflecting, changing things differently and trying again, is really hard and painful. But my belief makes me not give up. So like the thing is: without hope everything is lost, but (and this is from my personal perspective) for anyone reading this i wish you can make your ‘hope’ into your ‘belief’. Like it sounds vague and generic, you just gotta make your hope into your belief. I can’t tell you how to do it (although iirc Dr K has covered this topic in a video one time with some information about it). But one thing I can say for certain: Dr K making me believe (as in a it is unquestionable personal truth, a fact) instead of hope in being able to overcome my ADHD has been the most lifechanging thing that has happened to me. PS: For anyone reading this pls try meditating, it will help you.
I just learned this on my own recently! Sometimes you feel anxious and there doesn't have to be a reason. Anxiety even tints the lense and will find problems where there aren't any.
Same, also I realized that I feel different during different times of the day, and feel most anxious in the late afternoon. I just accept it and move on.
So I'm not the only one! Nice to hear someone think of the same thing as i did, since it gives me reason to actually believe that this concept is not just another "absurd idea i thought of" but rather something real actually observed by others
I just took my enneagram and got typed as mostly 4, and it read me to filth basically because I had no idea how much I identify with my feelings. And I just overthink and overanalyze how I’m feeling and have to understand it, even putting off everything else until I figure out how to manage my emotions or feel “inspired”. Certain feelings I identify with as “me” and others as “not me”, when in reality, they are just feelings that come and go - nothing more.
I'm 31 and recently moving into my mother's basement was actually a step up from living in my childhood bedroom upstairs. My "progress" is being a happier loser than before.
It is not as it "should be", but as it is. If this change has brought you joy and motivation, enjoy it as each step brings you closer to achieving your own goals. It is your path friend and you do not need to compare it with anyone else, enjoy and value this step, it surely was not easy.
I moved out at 19 and am currently 24. I have one of the highest paying manufacturing jobs in the country and make close to doctor pay etc. no girlfriend, no friends, and just play video games and go to the gym when I’m not at work. I moved here with my ex-fiancé and just stayed after she cheated and I kicked her out. But sometimes I think about moving back with parents or grandparents just because there’s no reason for this big ass house I’m renting just for me and my cat. It’s lonely, quiet, and depressing. Also eating out of the microwave is getting old.
The explanation of acceptance reminds me of how I learned to deal with shoveling snow off the sidewalks as a scrawny teenager. I once had an adult tell me that if you literally tell yourself, out loud, "It is cold outside. This is a lot of work. This is going to suck, but I'll be fine," that it actually doesn't feel like that big of a deal. When I would say this, instead of resigning myself to inevitable pain, I learned that I was actually preparing my body and mind for what was ahead. I remember really getting into the work, enjoying it and being proud of myself on several of these occasions. Sometimes it still sucked, but usually not as much. Of course, this doesn't just apply to shoveling snow. It took me a few years to make that connection. It's just a more objective way to look at things, which can be helpful.
This is almost the opposite of positive thinking (toxic positivity) and "affirmations" that are so popular in self-help literature -- allowing oneself to feel pain and knowing that one can handle it and that this too shall pass. When I was younger, this came naturally to me; but now I have to work hard to internalize that feeling again.
Not everyone reacts that way. I would say plenty of people would be either further discouraged or at best experience no effect on their motivation to get out and do that uncomfortable work.
@@pooroldnostradamus That's true. I suppose I wasn't intending to speak for all people, I was just sharing my young self's experience with the concept. Even that said, I struggle a lot more these days with the "bracing myself" mentality I shared here, because I do tend to worry a lot more about future consequences, and lately I've been having more trouble believing in myself, my capabilities, and my resilience. For me, it's more effective to try to get out of my head and into my body, but also for me, this is much easier said than done.
I have an example for you. I had a delivery and some papers to sign, and the person was late, and their device did not work properly and I got upset about it. Like wtf can't you do your job properly etc. And then I realized in that moment that getting upset does not help anybody and I just make _my_ life worse at the moment. I tried to relax, let it all go and had a great conversation after that. That's where I realized that It's all just our perception and we have full control of it. Thank you Dr.K! I'm using the stuff you are trying to teach and making my life better.
Isn't that what Timon and Pumba preach in The Lion King? Sometimes bad stuff happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry about it? Hakuna Matata!
acceptance = accept the potential pain of an action Diffusion= Believe that the mind goes through various emotions through the day. I don't need to solve the emotion immediately, i'll eventually feel better. Benefits to stepping back and taking emotions less seriously regardless of what is happening
I would add one caveat: I think there will be times where "this feeling will pass sooner or later" is an inappropriate response. If someone forcefully holds your hand over a flame, you're going to experience pain. Telling yourself "pain fluctuates, this will pass" is not what you need to do in that situation; what you need to do is make the person stop doing that. In other words, I think it's important not to use "this will pass" as an excuse to not try to change your circumstances.
I really appreciate your delivery on these skills. I may be a middle aged woman who doesn’t play video games at all…but your platform really appeals to me because of your passion and positive energy. Thanks so much!
I have very loud thoughts and something I discovered recently during a meditation was that, instead of covering the mouth of the mind or stopping the the words from coming out, it was much easier to stop the sound from coming in by imagining covering my ears. This means that I'm not stopping the thoughts but instead choosing to sit in silence. It's a slight detail but for some reason works much better while meditating.
@@VioletEmerald I'm pretty sure he means cover his ears metaphorically. As in, you're practicing letting thoughts move away from your mind. Like if you 'hear' a thought, you have two options 1) try to silence the thought by 'covering the mouth' of your mind or 2) let the thought wander away on its own by 'covering your ears' and not engaging with it. The former makes your mind engage with the thought because you need to actively expend energy to suppress it. The latter allows the thought to dissipate on its own because you are not actively engaging with it.
Hello 👋 thanks for sharing your journey I wanted to ask .. My thoughts are so loud and once they start I just keep thinking them like what do to next or I have to do this now? Sometimes even after waking up literally just thoughts running through my mind...
@@Masteryourself0 Hey, im by no means an expert and have a long way to go but i hope i can help a little here. I think i might understand what you mean, a situation where one has a random thought and then identifies with it - which then leads to multiple thoughts sticking to that same subject. Like you have a thought when waking up, and it feels very real to you and then 15 minutes later you can still be thinking about that same situation you imagined up or memory you recall or whatever it may be. What i believe the original comment is referring to, and kinda in line with the video, is that you shouldnt feel like you have to block out the thoughts. The thoughts are loud, and by actively TRYING to silence them you use up a lot of energy and in fact draw more attention to them. The way i like to think about this is if i tell someone to "try not to think of penguins" - sitting there telling yourself do not think of penguins over and over again is kinda draining but more importantly just invests more of your thoughts on penguins and you will never be able to do it. So what is the solution to having loud thoughts that result in a bit of a loop where you cant stop thinking and feeling attached to the thoughts? Just observe them, dont try to stop them but at the same time dont feed it by interacting with them - be a third person, like a little alien peering into the human headspace for the first time wondering what the heck the human mind is going to do, where all you're doing is watching your mind make a thought. Accept that thoughts and emotions will happen no matter what and just watch a thought come and go. You'll discover that when you aren't feeding the thought nor stopping it, they are so unbelievably temporary. They can come and go just like that. Doing this regularly in a dedicated practice (i.e meditation) is the first step, and you'll naturally start to migrate that over to regular every day situations. I find that just by watching by thoughts completely neutrally without trying to make it quiet, my mind naturally just quietens and even comes to a silence. When that happens there is lots of peace and serenity in just being in the present. Maybe some of the analogies or metaphors didn't work haha, if anyone else thinks they can contribute to this or correct anything please do. If you're looking for some better insights into this i recommend the book "Zen mind, Beginner's mind" by Shunryu Suzuki. Hope this helps, good luck!
Acceptance means a willingness to meet reality on realty's terms, which requires recognition that our ideal reality is not actual reality. It's great to move toward our ideal reality, but we must navigate the real reality along the way. That's acceptance in a nutshell. Thank you for attending my Ted Talk
"We can let ourselves have a bad day." I know this was in relation to setbacks, but for me this was the key to break out of every day being a bad day mentally. Some years ago now I was in a really bad place mentally, and I couldn't physically make myself talk with my parents about it. What allowed me to start talking about it, was when I got the point across, that I needed to be able to tell them "I'm having a bad day" and for them to not try and fix it. It was like flipping a switch when they got it. Back then my "reasoning" was that I couldn't deal with them worrying because of me, on top of me having a bad day. Today I know, I needed it to be okay, to have a bad day, and others trying to fix it, told me it was not okay. Today I have fewer absolutely shitty days, than good ones, and a good part of the reason for that, is that having a bad day, is just as okay as a good day, along with reminding myself it's temporary. Sooner or later the coin is gonna land on the other side again.
@@I3lackShadovvWolf This makes so much sense! It's so easy for people to draw the conclusion that they need to "fix" your bad day, or that having a bad day is somehow inappropriate. I learned to hide my bad moods, too, and a lot of this was because I felt guilty or ashamed for feeling bad. Like, I'm supposed to be happy, and feeling bad just makes other people feel bad, so I shouldn't do it. Of course that meant my emotions stayed bottled up for far too long, and I would eventually break down.
This is such a good way of articulating everything that I learned from meditation and Zen Buddhism (and I've only been at it 6 months)! I've struggled with depression almost a decade with a lot of existentialism attached and Zen got me to understand that intellctualizing isn't the only way to understand life and forced me to ask why I so desired to know life has meaning, etc. The answer I came up with was fear. Fear if i could not find meaning, I would not survive, fear that if I couldn't address a root cause of depression I would always feel like I was drowning. Instead, I accepted that there may be no meaning and no root cause, or maybe there is and I will never know it, and that I would be ok. There are reasons I am still alive today - I can seperate depression from my identity - so if the most I can ever do is learn to manage it, that would be ok. Accepting that, and finally stopping trying to solve and fix my experinces and feelings all the time tremendously improved my mental health.
So, do you want to find the meaning of life or the reason for life? I have an inquisitive mind and like to ask "why" to discover the reason behind things. I don't think my inquisitions are rooted in fear.
@KS0102 if you passed away without knowing all the answers of your inquiries, would you still be satisfied? Or would you have the fear of not beating that deadline
@KS0102 Once I stopped craving the answer, I felt like it became clear to me. What I found was our human brains want to know purpose because it motivates us to survive, but it's a question we impose on a universe that does not owe us an answer. A universe that isn't sentient. We made up a question which has no inherent answer and are upset when we don't get one. Put beautifully in this Alan Watts quote, "The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves." (Of course this is all my opinion and experience, you may have a different one).
As someone who was severely depressed and addicted as a way for avoidance mechanism, i can confirm what DrK just teach in this video really works. It's called ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) that i learn on my own from books. It helps me for me to just simply accept negative emotions and stop letting it control my actions (truly accept as it is, not acceptance as a way to avoid negative emotion). I have read tons of self help book, but this method is what really helpful for me to combat procrastination and debilitating depression and finally i'm able to get out of my bed and do things like me going to gym 5 times a week from someone who hate doing exercise since young. This ACT method is not actually easy to learn so i suggest for anyone serious to learn further and experiment it on your own life.
Accept reality. It’ll probably hurt, and that’s ok. It is what it is. You don’t have to change everything. You’re human. You just have to experience this life as it is. And keep up that positive attitude. Great message.
My summary of this video 1. Let go of the results (Accept all consequences either they're good or bad + help you not running away from the bad) 2. Let go of your thoughts & emotions (they won't affect you as much as you think they would + help you not running away from the bad & keep you calm when taking actions) 3. change the way you percieve at experiences to help you improve (this can help you motivated to take actions) Theses point help you take the right actions more instead of running away & keeping you motivated to take actions again = getting better and better
Took about two years and I finally feel like I cracked the full code of why my adhd+high self awareness/high self consciousness makes me socially anxious with a tendency to just "shut down".... basically I cracked what a therapist could have and probably would have told me in a few sessions... and honestly, understanding this feels really good, massive eureka moment, don't feel the need to paranoidly obsessed over "wtf is wrong with me", but I wish I wasn't so stubborn.... that was so much more effort than was required... finally am seeing a psychologist soon
Thank god i became 5head (whatever that means) earlier than this video. And yeah i agree, attitude and mindset is what matters. "Always forgive yourself. There is no need to be in war with yourself. Its better off for you because your perception is everything and that means you are everything" i wrote to myself and that helped me.
I’m gonna be really honest here and write down my experience with my struggles. I struggle a lot with narcissistic thoughts and behavior. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I might never get better and I’ll continue to ruin relationships for the rest of my life. What has really helped me though is exactly what dr k explained with his 5 head terminology lol. And I didn’t even know I was doing it. A big ego is basically the construct within narcissism. It’s what I still think is my main struggle. I started meditating because I thought my thoughts were the problem. But then I just recently learned that if I just started thinking of people and the things they do and why differently( mainly through a sense of compassion and empathy and honesty) with real conviction, my behavior changes dramatically for the better. I’m glad dr k posted a video about this because it really helped bring to light my thought processes
it would take an entire essay to explain why, but this really efficiently cut to the core of what ive been struggling with. there was a weird divine timing, where i had a really bad day today and when i got home and happened to open youtube this had been uploaded minutes prior. and its really exactly what i needed to hear today. it ties together so many strands that have been floating around in my months of therapy for addiction ive been going through. i wish i could fully express just how meaningful this is to me
I just wanted to say thank you so much for these videos. Recently I had a mental awakening that led to me learning about Acceptance. The concept of it is so liberating. No longer running from myself and my flaws actually helped me work through them and not end up in this endless spiral of avoidance. I was happy but I felt like Acceptance alone wasn’t enough, I felt like I was missing something. That was right when I found your channel and watched some of your videos. I must say you have been a blessing and I’m glad to have found your content. I’m very grateful for your work.
See, I struggle with the idea of accepting that a negative result is possible, because my mind immediately says, "well then, we're not going to do that." It's basically everything with risk of rejection or failure: art, dating, joining my church's worship team, asking for help at a store.
Great video. Acceptance I think is really *the* key thing I need to work on. There have been periods in my life where I was able to keep up a meditation habit and be mindful of negative emotions and accept them, because I know they will pass, and things are so much easier when you are able to do that. And also when you're able to notice what thoughts are occurring in the mind, which lets you understand that the thoughts *are not you* they are just appearing/occurring to you, you don't *have* to take them seriously. But if you're not mindful, the thoughts will just feel like you. You become identified with the thought, and if it's a negative thought (which it almost always is if you're depressed) you will *be* depressed. Sometimes it feels like your mind is just *stuck* and it's impossible to break out of the pattern of identifying with thought, and it's impossible to sit down and meditate. I've felt that way for a while until yesterday when I took 100 micrograms of LSD. I could feel my emotions and sensations more clearly when I was on it, and it was by no means a fantastic experience (although I've had fantastic experiences on LSD previously) but it let me *connect* with life again. The good and the bad. Instead of feeling like everything is behind a filter which makes everything gray and dull. Sure, that filter helps versus the negative emotions, because you don't have to feel them as strongly which is nice, but that also means the filter will be applied when something good happens, and it's impossible to get excited about anything. Ying and yang: if I want to really live, I have to accept the negative, so that I can also experience the positive. If I push it all away, I'm pushing my life away. Now it's time to integrate the psychedelic experience and work on good habits. LSD might have helped me break out of the pattern for now, but it will come back if I am not diligent. Go to the gym to train the body, meditate to train the mind. We got this 💪🧠
Thank you for your message. I've never had experiences with psychedelics but I have been meditating daily for the past 3 years and half and I can relate to your sensations of having clarity of mind. I can sense my thoughts in random moments during the day and also when some bad thought appears and some part of me wants to solve it. Clarity helps me see it as a thought and see that every moment is different so I assume an open attitude toward life. I never thought of the decision of action as a recognition of the pain of action which is acceptance as Dr K put it in the video so I am really grateful for that. Sometimes I feel that life is more meaning if some amount of pain is involved.
I learned this on my own! Mostly came from some meditation sessions I did, but mindfulness and radical acceptance is basically all that gets you this. It is quite literally a life-changing skill (not joking at all)
It can be very very hard. Don't feel bad if you feel like you "can't accept". Try to start with little things. Even tiny things that make you feel pathetic for having to learn how to accept. That in and of itself is a form of acceptance: accepting that you find it difficult to accept things, and that you have to meet yourself where you're at.
First time is always the hardest bro. Then the time pass and "wow i'm still here, i beat it! Wonder what's the next mediocre thing i was avoiding/being scared to face my whole life? Bring it on!"
@@isaaclivesay2432 My dear brother there are a bunch of therapist out who are genuine morons they are dumb really i mean a therapist can also harm you dont forget these are just people like you or me who fk up sometimes so yeah be careful about a therapist
@@isaaclivesay2432 I mean most therapists are great, but they are oftentimes trained in something a bit different than what Dr. K is teaching. CBT isn't bad, but it could be improved.
I know a guy like the one you were talking about at 2:02. I find it so inspiring, though, like the fact that he's a solid gymer, gets solid grades and games, gets good sleep, and has a balance social life on top is inspiring to me. I'm like, "How'd you manage this?" I'm realising, though, that it's all in the mindset.
There is a great deal of Buddhism in your ideas. I love the repackaging because many people are frightened by spirituality in any form, and you make it sound so reasonable that people are taking the first step of meditation without doing anything at all. Absolutely brilliant!
Yet another video that freakin blew my mind! The way you explain the different waves of psychology and psychotherapy so concise yet so clear and easy to follow is outstanding! Though I did not know the „3-head to 5-head“ expressions, guess I am losing touch with the internet and gaming crowd, you beautifully describe different stages of emotional maturity and how to „Level up“ this trait. I also was (still am on occasions) a gamer who wasted some potential in life, yet got the hang of it in his twenties, became a clinical psychologist at 27 and am now doing the apprenticeship to become a psychotherapist in Germany. I truly love your content as it resonates with me on so many levels. As a semi-former Gamer, a father, a male and a professional psychologist. I am so grateful to you! ❤
So I recently (although I'm still not sure if it's fully gone) got through some depression that lasted over 2 years. It was awful, but something I started saying earlier this year as a way of coping with things beyond my control was "it is what it is" and through this I'm finding out that's genuinely helped me accept things. Wild. What helped the depression? Getting fired for personal reasons from my shitty old job a few months ago. Things get better guys, trust me. It'll suck now but it doesn't last forever I promise, you matter, you can do this, don't give up.
I always used to get a little annoyed by "it is what it is", I didn't understand it and would make fun of a friend of mine for saying it to everything. But now I realise that in a funny way it is actually a super powerful message (when used appropriately).
6:46 three head aproach, onnly actions 7:26 4 head thoughts and emotions cbt 9:20 personality 3rd psy wave to 5head meditation accept dont run away difusion mind takes thing on its own 15:21 16:02 example cognition is fluctuation proces it will calm someday tanquil mind to not emotionaly controlled, emotions will come and go, trauma anxiety countinually put emotions in our mind 24:49 change the context 25:05 narcisism hold on a sec 25:30 subjectivity controlable to 5head 25:57 resume 27:10 example 28:56 setbacks become advantages
One of the most helpful videos I’ve seen as of yet. And the way it is communicated, covering so many interesting topics in an easy to approach way, wow. Thank you Dr K
When I started challenging negative thoughts, I would evaluate them for evidence come to conclusions, label the thought and move on. After a while this became rumination, I started repeating this routine to the point it became part of the problem. Diffusion was the next step, it was when I started telling myself this issue has already been assesed and resolved, it's now time to ignore the thoughts because they do not fall in line with my value system. When I started letting go of ownership of these negative thoughts because I've already delt with them, is when I started to turn the corner. I look a person everyday in the eye to whom I obsessed over and call her friend and I quietly go home everyday without obsessing over every interaction or wondering if she values me. :)
Great video. Another way to learn to be a 5 head is to realize that feelings ARE NOT a call to action. They are just feelings. The voices in your head think they are protecting you by keeping you safe. They are actually holding you back. Feel the feeling, acknowledge it, and then do the thing anyway.
I read the title and was very curious, because in my depression, my thoughts were clearly the enemy. My therapist helped me identify destructive thoughts and become skeptical of their truthfulness. When I think nowadays, that I'm shit and I won't get better, I know, it's not true, but my depressed brain talking shit to me. And I know it's time for a long talk with a friend and a long walk alone in nature.
Being someone who has adhd and hearing is like music to my ears. I am very fascinated about how our brain works and how we can better optimize it. I have been working on the first and second. The third is were i am having trouble but i know in time i will get it. Great vid
@healthygamergg Can you make an episode on the psychology of "never feeling satisfied" Description: The feeling of being impressed with others accomplishments, but not feeling special when you do it. The constant feeling of questioning decisions: example "am I making the right decision? Will I regret this. Will i regret staying? Will I regret leaving?" Etc - please add to this suggestion
I think this is one of the most important videos you've made, and the idea behind this video needs to be emphasized and emphasized even more in future content imo. I genuinely think this mechanism is the root cause behind lots of mental illnesses, especially depression. I know it personally was for me, and understanding that has helped more than you can imagine.
The amount of growth I feel I’ve had from this channel alone makes me excited to turn 26. I feel wiser and smarter than I did Turning 25💜 thank you for your content and everything you do
Its amazing how much of this is learned by practitioners of (as you mentioned) meditation, buddhism, and other vedic philosophies, Taoism, AND Stoicism and other western philosophies. This is why we need to study philisophy from around the wrold.
Dr k’s videos are so dense and interesting and get my mind going so fast that i paused the video and i thiught i was 15 minutes in but i was only 4 minutes in
Thanks a lot doc, you will never know, probably, how much you have helped improve my day to day life, and how much your dedication to give out free info helps. wish you all the best, love ya.
Doctor K., I have been following you for a while now and I can't even describe how much you have helped me. But, I just wanted to let you know (as a constructive comment, just because I know how good you are - otherwise I woudn't even bother to write this comment) that I actually preferred your previous style - I mean a more neutral background, a more chilled vibe, yor face in the thumbnail, etc. I feel like this very well thought and professional style, paradoxically, kinda makes you look like everyone else, even like the so-called "gurus". Just a thought, hope it can help you. Thank you for everything you are doing ❤
This video is exactly what I needed at this moment. It correlates with a lot of things I've been recently learning about the nature of thoughts, emotions and suffering. It'd be cool if ut was a bit more practical tho, further explaining how one goes about accepting, diffusing, etc.
I put my hand on a hot stove. "It doesn't hurt, I can take it, it's nothing!" I do not accept that it hurts, my hand burns until it gets so badly burnt that I eventually lose it. If I were to accept that it hurts and that it's telling me something, that I should take action, I will take my hand off of the hot stove and not lose it.
I'm honestly really proud of myself that I was already accepting things and putting myself in other people's place to figure out why they did what, perhaps I needed someone to tell me all this again, but diffusion though, that is a brilliant way of thinking, I'll definitely be focusing more on that, thank you so much doc, I consider you my therapist now haha ❤
Not being able to recognize that one's own attitude could very well be argued to be the core and crux of an issue like anxious depression. It definitely was for me. Yes, I was doing it, it was what I did, and a lot of why I did it was my attitude. It's my responsibility and task as a person to think of how I feel, think and act and how it influences not just myself, but everyone around me and even nature, and so on, and then do something about maladaptations or whatever you want to name them. A friend of mine told to me something very deeply hurtful and upsetting during one of my worst moments: "Take a good fucking look at your own behavior and then think again why your life is shit." It kept echoing in my head for years, and I'm very happy it did and I wasn't prevented by fear or something egotistical and truly difficult like that to try to figure out as to what he meant. He was right, to a very large extent. My mom also tried to make me see that it really is a lot in my attitude during those years. She was right, too, it was. Ironically enough, getting to talk about MY problems and MY pains and MY this and MY that to the people in my life can feel so good when you truly have real pains and so on, but it's easy to get dependent on that and never actually move forward to the stage of realizing that "ah shit, I'm a nihilistic, apathetic cynical fucking self-absorbed jerk who makes everybody fucking miserable and exhausted"... and the cost is one's relationships, and probably a lot more than that, too. Just thinking and talking about all the problems all the time was not the solution at all, it was - eventually at least, of course thinking and talking about those things are an important part of growth - ironically enough a big part of the problem. It's alright, we're all just humans, it's not so serious after all. We're all kinda screwed up, and that's okay. What shall we do about all of that, hm? Feels incredible to be free from myself, I've got to say. Anxiety and depression in bothersome quantities are now like water that flowed underneath a bridge 4 years ago.
Oh, haha, and another fantastic thing that friend of mine said during that conversation: "It's good to be aware of what's around you in the environment, reality, but always be mindful of what you want to reflect back to it." Reality is sometimes very ugly indeed, but I've discovered that I love life a lot more and it goes quite effortlessly and beautifully when I live sincerely wanting to reflect back the constant ineffable background beauty of reality - regardless of it's outstanding hideousness if it comes to that, and it definitely sometimes does. I suppose it could be called the opposite of learned helplessness, learned optimism.
I love the part where professionals explain what is measurable in all this science that makes psychotherapy a scientific endeavour, and why the proven interventions have been dubbed, by at least one cbt therapist, as grandmother therapy
im stuck because ive been saying for years my perspective of life is fucked and a big part of why im so miserable i just dont know how to change it. im genuinely right about the conclusion i come to but its miserable i dont know how to find the good conclusions
IMO there’s multiple points/ideas proposed, covered in the video that’s not quite conceptually sound which does give pause. It also likely contextualises to Dr K’s own position as it relates to avoidance. That said appreciate the effort here on HG’s part to try to wrangle what is a vast and complicated topic into a straightforward explainer type video
When it comes to acceptance I tend to tell people they misunderstand it because it's easy to fall into a victim mentality. Accepting does not mean accepting your shitty situation and then cry about it. No. Accepting means to accept your shitty situation and tell yourself "Yeah, I know this sucks hard right now but I know it's not gonna be like that forever." And that's the truth. No one has shitty days every day of the year. You'll have good days, neutral days, and bad days. The important thing is to accept that bad days happen and to do anything possible to not let the next day start the same. If you go to bed angry, get up and do something that lights you up, no matter what it is. Then when you're in a at least neutral mental state, go to bed. If you keep doing this for a while, you'll start to realize that your shitty situation isn't as bad as you think and you'll have an easier time to get out of the negative state.
i’m sure this video is probably about something along these lines, but i spend a lot of time trying to purge my bad thoughts or otherwise fighting with myself to escape certain thought loops.
If you are addict or alcoholic you can simple tell yourself that you will need to deal with withdrawals for a few months or even years just like having cold or a disease it can take time to recover.
I stg this channel is stalking me lol every video is SO relevant. Literally last night I said to my fiancé, "If I saw my mind walking around irl, I'd throw hands ON SIGHT bc they've ruined every good thing in my life"
Question regarding acceptance. You stated that point of acceptance is to accept the negative consequences but won't that make it counterproductive knowing that you will have a negative outcome thus removing all your motivation for that action. If the point is doing it regardless of the outcome then wouldn't that fall more under bravery.
it's not negative consequences, it's the feeling of something being negative in some way but the thing you get out of it outweighs that discomfort. it's all about what you want for yourself regardless of if its difficult (so yeah it does tie into bravery)
How do I start a romantic relationship? Please help with advice on this? I can ask someone out and go on a date but I don’t really know when to get intimate or “vulnerable”. Really I get stuck in my head when I’d like to just further connect with the other person. I would really benefit from your advice Dr. K!
Had a shower thought about this. If some soccer mom in nowhere decided that everyone had too much free thinking. That she would force a mental happy pill for everyone that the system agrees with her. Including military. Bad thought about Timmy? Happy pill for you Mr. General.
I've literally never heard the terms "3head" and "5head" until this video.
Dr. K is more hip with the youth than the youth themselves
4head it's a twitch emote. He probably used these term to engage
2head
It's new for me as well. Still don't get what the numbers of heads shall mean
5 head used to just be someone with a huge forehead. Like Lester the news guy.
Dr.K, I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I've been consuming your content for years, and it has changed my life. I bought every single one of your guides, and internalizing the principles within has transformed me into a much better person.
I can clearly divide my life into "before" and "after" discovering your content. All the friends I introduced to your content, who began consuming and applying it as consistently as I do, have also seen their lives radically improve. We now see a noticeable difference in mental health, anxiety, and general issues with trauma and self-sabotage between us and our friends who don't consume your content.
I read hundreds of personal development books before finding your content, but nothing has been as transformative. I have unconsciously adopted the principles you teach in this video by consuming hours of your interviews and videos, and true enough, thinking that way has changed my life.
Thank you for the positive impact you have on people. I still remember some of the first grainy videos you posted from your hospital dorm room. I know it hasn't been easy and you've had your fair share of mistakes. But thanks for persisting.
Your content helped me overcome childhood trauma, a myriad of confidence and self-sabotaging issues, my autism, ADHD, and a 5-year toxic relationship. It has given me an extremely effective framework I use everyday to tackle my life. Before I knew it, I became 5-head too.
I am so much happier and well adjusted these days, thanks to the insights and techniques you've courageously offered. I've become someone the people around me can rely on.
Thank you Dr.K. I am tremendously grateful that I was born into an era where I was able to learn from you, and I hope you keep going. Your work means more than my words could ever capture. You delivered these revolutions in psychotherapy to me when I needed them most, and I will strive to try to pass them on to live up to the example you have set.
Thank you for commenting on his post. I like going through and reading comments on his videos after I watch them, but reading yours really gives me a lot of hope. Right now life just feels fuzzy, oddly meaningless, and downright confusing. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you give me inspiration that one day I will reshape my way of thinking and truly find peace with who I am.
@@tannercatlin9233 keep doing your best, you got this. Keep studying the content, learn more about yourself, and join some of his online communities if you can. There’s great support out there 🙌
@@tannercatlin9233 I can really empathize with that. I hope you're able to better yourself in life, and I hope that I can too.
@zatyga4582 I cried reading your comment. Thank you so much for writing it. You give me hope that I can have a better life too.❤
@@fabianesoares7231 After years of suffering from how my ADHD has affected my life and eventually just giving up and ‘accepting’: this is it I have ADHD, I can’t function in school, work, relation etc and will never be able to do things ‘normal’ people can.
Dr. K changed that, thanks to him I believe I can change myself and eventually will be able to ‘overcome’ it. Even though i got a long way to go and the process of trying, succeeding for a little while then failing again, learning from my mistakes (not everytime), reflecting, changing things differently and trying again, is really hard and painful. But my belief makes me not give up.
So like the thing is: without hope everything is lost, but (and this is from my personal perspective) for anyone reading this i wish you can make your ‘hope’ into your ‘belief’.
Like it sounds vague and generic, you just gotta make your hope into your belief. I can’t tell you how to do it (although iirc Dr K has covered this topic in a video one time with some information about it). But one thing I can say for certain: Dr K making me believe (as in a it is unquestionable personal truth, a fact) instead of hope in being able to overcome my ADHD has been the most lifechanging thing that has happened to me.
PS: For anyone reading this pls try meditating, it will help you.
I just learned this on my own recently! Sometimes you feel anxious and there doesn't have to be a reason. Anxiety even tints the lense and will find problems where there aren't any.
Same here, I was listening to him and was like holy shit, these are the exact realizations I’m having, just put into more eloquent words
Same, also I realized that I feel different during different times of the day, and feel most anxious in the late afternoon. I just accept it and move on.
ye
So I'm not the only one!
Nice to hear someone think of the same thing as i did, since it gives me reason to actually believe that this concept is not just another "absurd idea i thought of" but rather something real actually observed by others
I just took my enneagram and got typed as mostly 4, and it read me to filth basically because I had no idea how much I identify with my feelings. And I just overthink and overanalyze how I’m feeling and have to understand it, even putting off everything else until I figure out how to manage my emotions or feel “inspired”. Certain feelings I identify with as “me” and others as “not me”, when in reality, they are just feelings that come and go - nothing more.
Bold of you to assume I have thoughts
What makes you think that?
@@frishter What makes you think MarySengendo gets forced into thinking that.
@@lordvoldamort4606 what makes you think frishter was forced into thinking anything ?
@@lordvoldamort4606 What makes you think that I think that MarySengendo gets forced into thinking that?
@@frishterI can’t think, remember
I'm 31 and recently moving into my mother's basement was actually a step up from living in my childhood bedroom upstairs. My "progress" is being a happier loser than before.
It is not as it "should be", but as it is. If this change has brought you joy and motivation, enjoy it as each step brings you closer to achieving your own goals. It is your path friend and you do not need to compare it with anyone else, enjoy and value this step, it surely was not easy.
That's awesome, I'm not getting along with my mother's couple and want to move out... But don't have the money rn..
One step at a time, even if it's just little things bringing you happiness, eventually that will make it easier to improve your life.
I moved out at 19 and am currently 24. I have one of the highest paying manufacturing jobs in the country and make close to doctor pay etc. no girlfriend, no friends, and just play video games and go to the gym when I’m not at work. I moved here with my ex-fiancé and just stayed after she cheated and I kicked her out. But sometimes I think about moving back with parents or grandparents just because there’s no reason for this big ass house I’m renting just for me and my cat. It’s lonely, quiet, and depressing. Also eating out of the microwave is getting old.
@@niceeicee0400 Maybe learning to cook and make meals for you and your cat is a small step for you.
The explanation of acceptance reminds me of how I learned to deal with shoveling snow off the sidewalks as a scrawny teenager.
I once had an adult tell me that if you literally tell yourself, out loud, "It is cold outside. This is a lot of work. This is going to suck, but I'll be fine," that it actually doesn't feel like that big of a deal. When I would say this, instead of resigning myself to inevitable pain, I learned that I was actually preparing my body and mind for what was ahead. I remember really getting into the work, enjoying it and being proud of myself on several of these occasions. Sometimes it still sucked, but usually not as much.
Of course, this doesn't just apply to shoveling snow. It took me a few years to make that connection. It's just a more objective way to look at things, which can be helpful.
A monk once said "Doing it is easy, thinking about it is the hard part."
perfect example, thank you
This is almost the opposite of positive thinking (toxic positivity) and "affirmations" that are so popular in self-help literature -- allowing oneself to feel pain and knowing that one can handle it and that this too shall pass. When I was younger, this came naturally to me; but now I have to work hard to internalize that feeling again.
Not everyone reacts that way. I would say plenty of people would be either further discouraged or at best experience no effect on their motivation to get out and do that uncomfortable work.
@@pooroldnostradamus That's true. I suppose I wasn't intending to speak for all people, I was just sharing my young self's experience with the concept. Even that said, I struggle a lot more these days with the "bracing myself" mentality I shared here, because I do tend to worry a lot more about future consequences, and lately I've been having more trouble believing in myself, my capabilities, and my resilience. For me, it's more effective to try to get out of my head and into my body, but also for me, this is much easier said than done.
I have an example for you.
I had a delivery and some papers to sign, and the person was late, and their device did not work properly and I got upset about it.
Like wtf can't you do your job properly etc.
And then I realized in that moment that getting upset does not help anybody and I just make _my_ life worse at the moment.
I tried to relax, let it all go and had a great conversation after that.
That's where I realized that It's all just our perception and we have full control of it.
Thank you Dr.K! I'm using the stuff you are trying to teach and making my life better.
Isn't that what Timon and Pumba preach in The Lion King? Sometimes bad stuff happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry about it? Hakuna Matata!
Thanks for sharing your experience with perception. I’ve found it really hard to imagine how this can happen, so I’m actually grateful of seeing this.
The "acceptance is the antidote to avoidance" really is thing an incredible piece of wisdom. Thank you for that!
acceptance = accept the potential pain of an action
Diffusion= Believe that the mind goes through various emotions through the day.
I don't need to solve the emotion immediately, i'll eventually feel better. Benefits to stepping back and taking emotions less seriously regardless of what is happening
Recontextualise: what are the other ways I can look at this?
I would add one caveat: I think there will be times where "this feeling will pass sooner or later" is an inappropriate response. If someone forcefully holds your hand over a flame, you're going to experience pain. Telling yourself "pain fluctuates, this will pass" is not what you need to do in that situation; what you need to do is make the person stop doing that. In other words, I think it's important not to use "this will pass" as an excuse to not try to change your circumstances.
@@Hemlocker yeah, byt he points that out several times in the video
He points that out at 16:33@@Hemlocker
@@Hemlocker so the argument falls off bc you are not considering one variable, im gay
I really appreciate your delivery on these skills. I may be a middle aged woman who doesn’t play video games at all…but your platform really appeals to me because of your passion and positive energy. Thanks so much!
I have very loud thoughts and something I discovered recently during a meditation was that, instead of covering the mouth of the mind or stopping the the words from coming out, it was much easier to stop the sound from coming in by imagining covering my ears. This means that I'm not stopping the thoughts but instead choosing to sit in silence.
It's a slight detail but for some reason works much better while meditating.
Do you mean like... visual imagination stuff you're doing with meditation or something physical about covering your ears literally?
@@VioletEmerald I'm pretty sure he means cover his ears metaphorically. As in, you're practicing letting thoughts move away from your mind. Like if you 'hear' a thought, you have two options 1) try to silence the thought by 'covering the mouth' of your mind or 2) let the thought wander away on its own by 'covering your ears' and not engaging with it. The former makes your mind engage with the thought because you need to actively expend energy to suppress it. The latter allows the thought to dissipate on its own because you are not actively engaging with it.
Hello 👋 thanks for sharing your journey I wanted to ask .. My thoughts are so loud and once they start I just keep thinking them like what do to next or I have to do this now? Sometimes even after waking up literally just thoughts running through my mind...
@@crimsonninja6995 Wow. Awesome elaboration! This is what they mean by "notice the thoughts, but don't get involved in them."
@@Masteryourself0 Hey, im by no means an expert and have a long way to go but i hope i can help a little here. I think i might understand what you mean, a situation where one has a random thought and then identifies with it - which then leads to multiple thoughts sticking to that same subject. Like you have a thought when waking up, and it feels very real to you and then 15 minutes later you can still be thinking about that same situation you imagined up or memory you recall or whatever it may be.
What i believe the original comment is referring to, and kinda in line with the video, is that you shouldnt feel like you have to block out the thoughts. The thoughts are loud, and by actively TRYING to silence them you use up a lot of energy and in fact draw more attention to them. The way i like to think about this is if i tell someone to "try not to think of penguins" - sitting there telling yourself do not think of penguins over and over again is kinda draining but more importantly just invests more of your thoughts on penguins and you will never be able to do it.
So what is the solution to having loud thoughts that result in a bit of a loop where you cant stop thinking and feeling attached to the thoughts? Just observe them, dont try to stop them but at the same time dont feed it by interacting with them - be a third person, like a little alien peering into the human headspace for the first time wondering what the heck the human mind is going to do, where all you're doing is watching your mind make a thought. Accept that thoughts and emotions will happen no matter what and just watch a thought come and go. You'll discover that when you aren't feeding the thought nor stopping it, they are so unbelievably temporary. They can come and go just like that. Doing this regularly in a dedicated practice (i.e meditation) is the first step, and you'll naturally start to migrate that over to regular every day situations. I find that just by watching by thoughts completely neutrally without trying to make it quiet, my mind naturally just quietens and even comes to a silence. When that happens there is lots of peace and serenity in just being in the present.
Maybe some of the analogies or metaphors didn't work haha, if anyone else thinks they can contribute to this or correct anything please do. If you're looking for some better insights into this i recommend the book "Zen mind, Beginner's mind" by Shunryu Suzuki.
Hope this helps, good luck!
Acceptance means a willingness to meet reality on realty's terms, which requires recognition that our ideal reality is not actual reality. It's great to move toward our ideal reality, but we must navigate the real reality along the way. That's acceptance in a nutshell. Thank you for attending my Ted Talk
"We can let ourselves have a bad day." I know this was in relation to setbacks, but for me this was the key to break out of every day being a bad day mentally.
Some years ago now I was in a really bad place mentally, and I couldn't physically make myself talk with my parents about it. What allowed me to start talking about it, was when I got the point across, that I needed to be able to tell them "I'm having a bad day" and for them to not try and fix it. It was like flipping a switch when they got it.
Back then my "reasoning" was that I couldn't deal with them worrying because of me, on top of me having a bad day. Today I know, I needed it to be okay, to have a bad day, and others trying to fix it, told me it was not okay. Today I have fewer absolutely shitty days, than good ones, and a good part of the reason for that, is that having a bad day, is just as okay as a good day, along with reminding myself it's temporary. Sooner or later the coin is gonna land on the other side again.
@@I3lackShadovvWolf This makes so much sense! It's so easy for people to draw the conclusion that they need to "fix" your bad day, or that having a bad day is somehow inappropriate. I learned to hide my bad moods, too, and a lot of this was because I felt guilty or ashamed for feeling bad. Like, I'm supposed to be happy, and feeling bad just makes other people feel bad, so I shouldn't do it. Of course that meant my emotions stayed bottled up for far too long, and I would eventually break down.
This is such a good way of articulating everything that I learned from meditation and Zen Buddhism (and I've only been at it 6 months)! I've struggled with depression almost a decade with a lot of existentialism attached and Zen got me to understand that intellctualizing isn't the only way to understand life and forced me to ask why I so desired to know life has meaning, etc. The answer I came up with was fear. Fear if i could not find meaning, I would not survive, fear that if I couldn't address a root cause of depression I would always feel like I was drowning. Instead, I accepted that there may be no meaning and no root cause, or maybe there is and I will never know it, and that I would be ok. There are reasons I am still alive today - I can seperate depression from my identity - so if the most I can ever do is learn to manage it, that would be ok. Accepting that, and finally stopping trying to solve and fix my experinces and feelings all the time tremendously improved my mental health.
So, do you want to find the meaning of life or the reason for life? I have an inquisitive mind and like to ask "why" to discover the reason behind things. I don't think my inquisitions are rooted in fear.
@KS0102 if you passed away without knowing all the answers of your inquiries, would you still be satisfied? Or would you have the fear of not beating that deadline
I think that you probably just saved my life
@KS0102 Once I stopped craving the answer, I felt like it became clear to me. What I found was our human brains want to know purpose because it motivates us to survive, but it's a question we impose on a universe that does not owe us an answer. A universe that isn't sentient. We made up a question which has no inherent answer and are upset when we don't get one. Put beautifully in this Alan Watts quote, "The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves." (Of course this is all my opinion and experience, you may have a different one).
@@clareashcraft3411bless you! Happy you’re still here :) thanks for your words
As someone who was severely depressed and addicted as a way for avoidance mechanism, i can confirm what DrK just teach in this video really works. It's called ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) that i learn on my own from books. It helps me for me to just simply accept negative emotions and stop letting it control my actions (truly accept as it is, not acceptance as a way to avoid negative emotion).
I have read tons of self help book, but this method is what really helpful for me to combat procrastination and debilitating depression and finally i'm able to get out of my bed and do things like me going to gym 5 times a week from someone who hate doing exercise since young. This ACT method is not actually easy to learn so i suggest for anyone serious to learn further and experiment it on your own life.
Can you recommend us some books for further reading? I would deeply appreciate it!
@@JuandiegoAvilaNEVAAA russ harris
@@JuandiegoAvilaNEVAAAyou are not a rock by mark freeman
Accept reality. It’ll probably hurt, and that’s ok.
It is what it is. You don’t have to change everything. You’re human. You just have to experience this life as it is. And keep up that positive attitude. Great message.
I should say here that attitude works as a set of beliefs
My summary of this video
1. Let go of the results (Accept all consequences either they're good or bad + help you not running away from the bad)
2. Let go of your thoughts & emotions (they won't affect you as much as you think they would + help you not running away from the bad & keep you calm when taking actions)
3. change the way you percieve at experiences to help you improve (this can help you motivated to take actions)
Theses point help you take the right actions more
instead of running away & keeping you motivated to take actions again
= getting better and better
Took about two years and I finally feel like I cracked the full code of why my adhd+high self awareness/high self consciousness makes me socially anxious with a tendency to just "shut down".... basically I cracked what a therapist could have and probably would have told me in a few sessions... and honestly, understanding this feels really good, massive eureka moment, don't feel the need to paranoidly obsessed over "wtf is wrong with me", but I wish I wasn't so stubborn.... that was so much more effort than was required... finally am seeing a psychologist soon
Care to explain? Also ADHD+highly self-conscious
dude i felt this on a spiritual level, literally going through the exact same thing right now. cheers to making it!
What is your finding? Is it the 'guiding your thoughts/awareness to understand yourself through questioning' part of therapy ?
I feel the exact same way you described. What did you do differently to feel better?
Every few weeks I come back to this guys videos and they get more and more relevant to my life every time I come back somehow
Or maybe it's that you are becoming more aware and conscious of things in your mind and your life :)
Dr K is a genius. Im always looking forward to his new video. He is god-sent to help us understand our mental processes better.
Thank god i became 5head (whatever that means) earlier than this video. And yeah i agree, attitude and mindset is what matters. "Always forgive yourself. There is no need to be in war with yourself. Its better off for you because your perception is everything and that means you are everything" i wrote to myself and that helped me.
I’m gonna be really honest here and write down my experience with my struggles. I struggle a lot with narcissistic thoughts and behavior. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I might never get better and I’ll continue to ruin relationships for the rest of my life. What has really helped me though is exactly what dr k explained with his 5 head terminology lol. And I didn’t even know I was doing it. A big ego is basically the construct within narcissism. It’s what I still think is my main struggle. I started meditating because I thought my thoughts were the problem. But then I just recently learned that if I just started thinking of people and the things they do and why differently( mainly through a sense of compassion and empathy and honesty) with real conviction, my behavior changes dramatically for the better. I’m glad dr k posted a video about this because it really helped bring to light my thought processes
it would take an entire essay to explain why, but this really efficiently cut to the core of what ive been struggling with.
there was a weird divine timing, where i had a really bad day today and when i got home and happened to open youtube this had been uploaded minutes prior. and its really exactly what i needed to hear today. it ties together so many strands that have been floating around in my months of therapy for addiction ive been going through.
i wish i could fully express just how meaningful this is to me
Sometimes beautiful coincidences happen! Embrace it!
Been having a lot of "helpful" coincidences lately too. Good luck with dealing with life my friend.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for these videos. Recently I had a mental awakening that led to me learning about Acceptance. The concept of it is so liberating. No longer running from myself and my flaws actually helped me work through them and not end up in this endless spiral of avoidance. I was happy but I felt like Acceptance alone wasn’t enough, I felt like I was missing something. That was right when I found your channel and watched some of your videos. I must say you have been a blessing and I’m glad to have found your content. I’m very grateful for your work.
See, I struggle with the idea of accepting that a negative result is possible, because my mind immediately says, "well then, we're not going to do that." It's basically everything with risk of rejection or failure: art, dating, joining my church's worship team, asking for help at a store.
Same
Great video. Acceptance I think is really *the* key thing I need to work on. There have been periods in my life where I was able to keep up a meditation habit and be mindful of negative emotions and accept them, because I know they will pass, and things are so much easier when you are able to do that. And also when you're able to notice what thoughts are occurring in the mind, which lets you understand that the thoughts *are not you* they are just appearing/occurring to you, you don't *have* to take them seriously. But if you're not mindful, the thoughts will just feel like you. You become identified with the thought, and if it's a negative thought (which it almost always is if you're depressed) you will *be* depressed.
Sometimes it feels like your mind is just *stuck* and it's impossible to break out of the pattern of identifying with thought, and it's impossible to sit down and meditate. I've felt that way for a while until yesterday when I took 100 micrograms of LSD. I could feel my emotions and sensations more clearly when I was on it, and it was by no means a fantastic experience (although I've had fantastic experiences on LSD previously) but it let me *connect* with life again. The good and the bad. Instead of feeling like everything is behind a filter which makes everything gray and dull. Sure, that filter helps versus the negative emotions, because you don't have to feel them as strongly which is nice, but that also means the filter will be applied when something good happens, and it's impossible to get excited about anything. Ying and yang: if I want to really live, I have to accept the negative, so that I can also experience the positive. If I push it all away, I'm pushing my life away. Now it's time to integrate the psychedelic experience and work on good habits. LSD might have helped me break out of the pattern for now, but it will come back if I am not diligent.
Go to the gym to train the body, meditate to train the mind. We got this 💪🧠
Thank you for your message. I've never had experiences with psychedelics but I have been meditating daily for the past 3 years and half and I can relate to your sensations of having clarity of mind. I can sense my thoughts in random moments during the day and also when some bad thought appears and some part of me wants to solve it. Clarity helps me see it as a thought and see that every moment is different so I assume an open attitude toward life. I never thought of the decision of action as a recognition of the pain of action which is acceptance as Dr K put it in the video so I am really grateful for that. Sometimes I feel that life is more meaning if some amount of pain is involved.
I learned this on my own! Mostly came from some meditation sessions I did, but mindfulness and radical acceptance is basically all that gets you this. It is quite literally a life-changing skill (not joking at all)
"Just accept the negative consequence." If it were so easy I wouldn't avoid it for so long.
It can be very very hard. Don't feel bad if you feel like you "can't accept". Try to start with little things. Even tiny things that make you feel pathetic for having to learn how to accept. That in and of itself is a form of acceptance: accepting that you find it difficult to accept things, and that you have to meet yourself where you're at.
First time is always the hardest bro. Then the time pass and "wow i'm still here, i beat it! Wonder what's the next mediocre thing i was avoiding/being scared to face my whole life? Bring it on!"
Wow ty@@Hemlocker
Be brave, it’ll be okay
As someone who once had super bad anxiety.
Yes acceptance and just facing it , doing it
Even if it fails , even if it goes wrong
It helps alot
Going through a breakup right now and I keep telling myself whenever I feel sad that it’s normal and it will pass.
Diffusion has been THE best thing I've done for my quality of life when it comes to physical pain. Nothing comes close.
This is actually how I became a really good problem solver and it made life way easier but I usually classify it as not giving a fuck 😂
Holy heck Dr. K, you're out here doing more to teach psychology than my entire master's program
If you’re serious, does that mean there are practicing therapists with less training than Dr. K videos?
@@isaaclivesay2432 My dear brother there are a bunch of therapist out who are genuine morons they are dumb really i mean a therapist can also harm you dont forget these are just people like you or me who fk up sometimes so yeah be careful about a therapist
@@isaaclivesay2432 I mean most therapists are great, but they are oftentimes trained in something a bit different than what Dr. K is teaching. CBT isn't bad, but it could be improved.
I know a guy like the one you were talking about at 2:02. I find it so inspiring, though, like the fact that he's a solid gymer, gets solid grades and games, gets good sleep, and has a balance social life on top is inspiring to me. I'm like, "How'd you manage this?" I'm realising, though, that it's all in the mindset.
There is a great deal of Buddhism in your ideas. I love the repackaging because many people are frightened by spirituality in any form, and you make it sound so reasonable that people are taking the first step of meditation without doing anything at all. Absolutely brilliant!
Yet another video that freakin blew my mind!
The way you explain the different waves of psychology and psychotherapy so concise yet so clear and easy to follow is outstanding!
Though I did not know the „3-head to 5-head“ expressions, guess I am losing touch with the internet and gaming crowd, you beautifully describe different stages of emotional maturity and how to „Level up“ this trait.
I also was (still am on occasions) a gamer who wasted some potential in life, yet got the hang of it in his twenties, became a clinical psychologist at 27 and am now doing the apprenticeship to become a psychotherapist in Germany.
I truly love your content as it resonates with me on so many levels. As a semi-former Gamer, a father, a male and a professional psychologist.
I am so grateful to you! ❤
So I recently (although I'm still not sure if it's fully gone) got through some depression that lasted over 2 years. It was awful, but something I started saying earlier this year as a way of coping with things beyond my control was "it is what it is" and through this I'm finding out that's genuinely helped me accept things. Wild. What helped the depression? Getting fired for personal reasons from my shitty old job a few months ago. Things get better guys, trust me. It'll suck now but it doesn't last forever I promise, you matter, you can do this, don't give up.
I always used to get a little annoyed by "it is what it is", I didn't understand it and would make fun of a friend of mine for saying it to everything. But now I realise that in a funny way it is actually a super powerful message (when used appropriately).
@Hemlocker oh yeah for real. It's like the civilian version of "embrace the suck" (I'm ex-AF, kinda led to the start of the big depresso)
6:46 three head aproach, onnly actions
7:26 4 head thoughts and emotions cbt
9:20 personality 3rd psy wave to 5head meditation
accept dont run away
difusion mind takes thing on its own
15:21
16:02 example cognition is fluctuation proces it will calm someday
tanquil mind to not emotionaly controlled, emotions will come and go, trauma anxiety countinually put emotions in our mind
24:49 change the context
25:05 narcisism hold on a sec
25:30 subjectivity controlable to 5head
25:57 resume
27:10 example
28:56 setbacks become advantages
resume, acceptance no avoid, diffusion brain autofix don't fix everything focus on important let go little things, context changeable to positive
narcisism way of me me me interpretation
28:25 examples difusion let go
One of the most helpful videos I’ve seen as of yet. And the way it is communicated, covering so many interesting topics in an easy to approach way, wow.
Thank you Dr K
17:10 I get it, Mr Editor, I get it.
When I started challenging negative thoughts, I would evaluate them for evidence come to conclusions, label the thought and move on.
After a while this became rumination, I started repeating this routine to the point it became part of the problem. Diffusion was the next step, it was when I started telling myself this issue has already been assesed and resolved, it's now time to ignore the thoughts because they do not fall in line with my value system. When I started letting go of ownership of these negative thoughts because I've already delt with them, is when I started to turn the corner.
I look a person everyday in the eye to whom I obsessed over and call her friend and I quietly go home everyday without obsessing over every interaction or wondering if she values me. :)
Great video. Another way to learn to be a 5 head is to realize that feelings ARE NOT a call to action. They are just feelings. The voices in your head think they are protecting you by keeping you safe. They are actually holding you back. Feel the feeling, acknowledge it, and then do the thing anyway.
This perfectly encapsulated my journey with OCD over the last 4 years. Many of the learnings I made, distilled into a single video.
I read the title and was very curious, because in my depression, my thoughts were clearly the enemy. My therapist helped me identify destructive thoughts and become skeptical of their truthfulness. When I think nowadays, that I'm shit and I won't get better, I know, it's not true, but my depressed brain talking shit to me. And I know it's time for a long talk with a friend and a long walk alone in nature.
Need more videos related to ACT therapy.
Thank You Dr. K for Everything
Being someone who has adhd and hearing is like music to my ears. I am very fascinated about how our brain works and how we can better optimize it. I have been working on the first and second. The third is were i am having trouble but i know in time i will get it. Great vid
@healthygamergg
Can you make an episode on the psychology of "never feeling satisfied"
Description:
The feeling of being impressed with others accomplishments, but not feeling special when you do it.
The constant feeling of questioning decisions: example "am I making the right decision? Will I regret this. Will i regret staying? Will I regret leaving?"
Etc - please add to this suggestion
this is his best video no lie
I think this is one of the most important videos you've made, and the idea behind this video needs to be emphasized and emphasized even more in future content imo. I genuinely think this mechanism is the root cause behind lots of mental illnesses, especially depression. I know it personally was for me, and understanding that has helped more than you can imagine.
The amount of growth I feel I’ve had from this channel alone makes me excited to turn 26. I feel wiser and smarter than I did Turning 25💜 thank you for your content and everything you do
Its amazing how much of this is learned by practitioners of (as you mentioned) meditation, buddhism, and other vedic philosophies, Taoism, AND Stoicism and other western philosophies.
This is why we need to study philisophy from around the wrold.
If only I could have Dr.K in my head.
Dr k’s videos are so dense and interesting and get my mind going so fast that i paused the video and i thiught i was 15 minutes in but i was only 4 minutes in
Thanks a lot doc, you will never know, probably, how much you have helped improve my day to day life, and how much your dedication to give out free info helps. wish you all the best, love ya.
Thank you so much! Gonna watch this with my kids tonight ❤️ you are the best!
Doctor K., I have been following you for a while now and I can't even describe how much you have helped me. But, I just wanted to let you know (as a constructive comment, just because I know how good you are - otherwise I woudn't even bother to write this comment) that I actually preferred your previous style - I mean a more neutral background, a more chilled vibe, yor face in the thumbnail, etc. I feel like this very well thought and professional style, paradoxically, kinda makes you look like everyone else, even like the so-called "gurus".
Just a thought, hope it can help you. Thank you for everything you are doing ❤
This video is exactly what I needed at this moment. It correlates with a lot of things I've been recently learning about the nature of thoughts, emotions and suffering. It'd be cool if ut was a bit more practical tho, further explaining how one goes about accepting, diffusing, etc.
“The morning is smarter than the evening”
Balkan saying
I suspect that it's pretty universal. I'm from Lithuania, and my mother frequently tells that, since I'm a night owl :) ...
I put my hand on a hot stove.
"It doesn't hurt, I can take it, it's nothing!"
I do not accept that it hurts, my hand burns until it gets so badly burnt that I eventually lose it.
If I were to accept that it hurts and that it's telling me something, that I should take action, I will take my hand off of the hot stove and not lose it.
Good video! Thanks for motivating me today!
I'm honestly really proud of myself that I was already accepting things and putting myself in other people's place to figure out why they did what, perhaps I needed someone to tell me all this again, but diffusion though, that is a brilliant way of thinking, I'll definitely be focusing more on that, thank you so much doc, I consider you my therapist now haha ❤
Not being able to recognize that one's own attitude could very well be argued to be the core and crux of an issue like anxious depression. It definitely was for me. Yes, I was doing it, it was what I did, and a lot of why I did it was my attitude. It's my responsibility and task as a person to think of how I feel, think and act and how it influences not just myself, but everyone around me and even nature, and so on, and then do something about maladaptations or whatever you want to name them. A friend of mine told to me something very deeply hurtful and upsetting during one of my worst moments: "Take a good fucking look at your own behavior and then think again why your life is shit." It kept echoing in my head for years, and I'm very happy it did and I wasn't prevented by fear or something egotistical and truly difficult like that to try to figure out as to what he meant. He was right, to a very large extent. My mom also tried to make me see that it really is a lot in my attitude during those years. She was right, too, it was. Ironically enough, getting to talk about MY problems and MY pains and MY this and MY that to the people in my life can feel so good when you truly have real pains and so on, but it's easy to get dependent on that and never actually move forward to the stage of realizing that "ah shit, I'm a nihilistic, apathetic cynical fucking self-absorbed jerk who makes everybody fucking miserable and exhausted"... and the cost is one's relationships, and probably a lot more than that, too. Just thinking and talking about all the problems all the time was not the solution at all, it was - eventually at least, of course thinking and talking about those things are an important part of growth - ironically enough a big part of the problem. It's alright, we're all just humans, it's not so serious after all. We're all kinda screwed up, and that's okay. What shall we do about all of that, hm? Feels incredible to be free from myself, I've got to say. Anxiety and depression in bothersome quantities are now like water that flowed underneath a bridge 4 years ago.
Oh, haha, and another fantastic thing that friend of mine said during that conversation: "It's good to be aware of what's around you in the environment, reality, but always be mindful of what you want to reflect back to it." Reality is sometimes very ugly indeed, but I've discovered that I love life a lot more and it goes quite effortlessly and beautifully when I live sincerely wanting to reflect back the constant ineffable background beauty of reality - regardless of it's outstanding hideousness if it comes to that, and it definitely sometimes does. I suppose it could be called the opposite of learned helplessness, learned optimism.
Collecting heads
22:56, 28:38 reminders for myself
1:11 thats Baldurs Gate 2 with a fraps counter. Appreciate the authentic gamer experience :^)
Mind is a flexible mirror, adjust it, to see a better world
I just realized I became addicted to certain thoughts and emotions. I had to detach from those things through meditation and visualization. 😂
Please talk about FREEZE, and learned helplessness, and self confidence and motivation.
"avoidance behaviour" something i'm doing while trying to watch this video lol
Predetermined judgement that the thoughts and emotions are responding to. Underlying vows, wounds, good/bad/neutral judgement.
"Out of the box thinking is the wrong subtext", my therapist talked about "working with the frame of life", and yes, I dont frames that often!
The timing on this is so perfect that I feel like you must be in my mind
I love the part where professionals explain what is measurable in all this science that makes psychotherapy a scientific endeavour, and why the proven interventions have been dubbed, by at least one cbt therapist, as grandmother therapy
im stuck because ive been saying for years my perspective of life is fucked and a big part of why im so miserable i just dont know how to change it. im genuinely right about the conclusion i come to but its miserable i dont know how to find the good conclusions
IMO there’s multiple points/ideas proposed, covered in the video that’s not quite conceptually sound which does give pause. It also likely contextualises to Dr K’s own position as it relates to avoidance. That said appreciate the effort here on HG’s part to try to wrangle what is a vast and complicated topic into a straightforward explainer type video
When it comes to acceptance I tend to tell people they misunderstand it because it's easy to fall into a victim mentality.
Accepting does not mean accepting your shitty situation and then cry about it. No. Accepting means to accept your shitty situation and tell yourself "Yeah, I know this sucks hard right now but I know it's not gonna be like that forever." And that's the truth. No one has shitty days every day of the year. You'll have good days, neutral days, and bad days. The important thing is to accept that bad days happen and to do anything possible to not let the next day start the same. If you go to bed angry, get up and do something that lights you up, no matter what it is. Then when you're in a at least neutral mental state, go to bed. If you keep doing this for a while, you'll start to realize that your shitty situation isn't as bad as you think and you'll have an easier time to get out of the negative state.
I... actually already do this. Take a step back, let it pass, emotion is temporary.
Still hurts though.
Same
i just really wanted say thanks, your videos have helped me a lot
Dang it, I wish I wasn't on benzos so that I can actually listen to this , sounds hella interesting
One small sentence, and I'm borrowing this " embrace the suck".
Thank the universe for Dr. K
Wow thats awesom. That should help against my anxiety
Starts at 10:00
Ironic 3Head^ 😂
TikTok brain can’t deal with some preamble
7:30 the smokey thing in the back goes out
@@szulerinio i was looking for this comment, video is unwatchable after 7.30
i’m sure this video is probably about something along these lines, but i spend a lot of time trying to purge my bad thoughts or otherwise fighting with myself to escape certain thought loops.
great great great 👍🏻 i love everything you said. i hope i reality started to wake up. it is so fitting to everything it happened to me in last days.
If you are addict or alcoholic you can simple tell yourself that you will need to deal with withdrawals for a few months or even years just like having cold or a disease it can take time to recover.
I stg this channel is stalking me lol every video is SO relevant. Literally last night I said to my fiancé, "If I saw my mind walking around irl, I'd throw hands ON SIGHT bc they've ruined every good thing in my life"
I'm glad I found out about Dr K
Question regarding acceptance. You stated that point of acceptance is to accept the negative consequences but won't that make it counterproductive knowing that you will have a negative outcome thus removing all your motivation for that action.
If the point is doing it regardless of the outcome then wouldn't that fall more under bravery.
it's not negative consequences, it's the feeling of something being negative in some way but the thing you get out of it outweighs that discomfort. it's all about what you want for yourself regardless of if its difficult
(so yeah it does tie into bravery)
This video is simply amazing
The third part reminds me of growth mindset vs fixed mindset. Dweck wrote a great book about that
I got group coaching as my result, but I have agoraphobia, and im afraid of people lmao
i mean, its accurate
Why you’re lying? I know it’s because I’m ugly 😢.
How do I start a romantic relationship? Please help with advice on this? I can ask someone out and go on a date but I don’t really know when to get intimate or “vulnerable”. Really I get stuck in my head when I’d like to just further connect with the other person. I would really benefit from your advice Dr. K!
Unfortunately for the topics of this video, my forehead gets 1cm bigger every year. I can't not get a bigger brain.
Rip
Always posting the best content. Thanks Dr K.
Had a shower thought about this. If some soccer mom in nowhere decided that everyone had too much free thinking. That she would force a mental happy pill for everyone that the system agrees with her. Including military. Bad thought about Timmy? Happy pill for you Mr. General.
This is great. It should be taught in schools.
thank you dr k