My first pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage, and my husband cried with me when we returned home from the hospital. I think of that moment as something that got us closer, and helped me not to feel alone in that situation. I cherish my husband showing vulnerability because it means he trusts me and is comfortable with me seeing that side of him
The update in the first story was just a waste of time. He just went on a long rant and justified his wife's terrible behaviour while making his well deserved emotion out to be something terrible and minimizing his own grief.
@rugr82day absolutely, there was no way OP was wrong for crying. He lost a daughter too and had been there for his wife since it happened, yet his wife couldn't do the same.
It’s not surprising, people in abusive relationships justify their partners abuse all the time. “She wouldn’t have hit me if I didn’t make her so mad.” I hope OP gets the therapy he needs and realizes just how horrible his wife actually is
Op1's wife is clearly grieving and deserves a lot of grace but that is 100% how she truly feels. He needs to find a way out because thats not gonna end well
Story 1 and that's why.men don't open Up to.their partners. He needs to divorce her ASAP..this is a sign she will see him as weak and pathetic and the disrespect will begin
Well what the wife said to Op is harsh. Can't men cry without being judge by their significant other? But, 🤷🏼 op shouldn't feel guilty about crying in front of his wife, he just can't exactly bottle up these emotions mainly grievances
Unfortunately, this story is another representation of what a couple experiences when they have a stillbirth. OP's wife is being irrational. Giving birth to a baby that is already gone absolutely destroys the woman. The fact that the baby is gone. Topped off with hormones that are going through her like a tornado. She's not herself. She'll never be the person she was. With a ton of medical treatments she can become a new person. For men, the experience is totally different. That type of loss destroys him also. His hormones are set off. He will be irrational. The grief and torment he is experiencing is different from the Mom. It's still just as crushing . Medical treatments will help him deal and find the new him. Many couples divorce after this kind of tragedy. Finding a new life together just isn't possible for them. I'm glad OP is going to look into treatment for him and his wife. Individual and couples therapy could bring them through this tragedy.
Story 1, that is actual emotional abuse. Being told your emotions are wrong to have and punish you for having them. Hopefully OP gets a decent male therapist and is 100% honest with him. (Statistics show that men are more likely to stick with therapy with a male therapist and it's theorised that it's so because of the matching communication styles)
It depends on WHY she said what she said, and we don't know that. Reddit seems to assume she is someone who thinks men are not supposed to have any emotions, and exist to stoically support the emotional needs of women. I have met women like this, and if that's the case, I agree, she's a dumpster-fire of a person, cut her loose. But there are other equally plausible scenarios as well. The next thing is PPD. That can get really bad. Many women completely change their personality for weeks, months, even years (and sometimes the change sticks). They stop being rational. They just turn into someone else entirely. Most cases are short lived and relatively minor, but a severe case, piled on top of the loss of her child can really mess with her. She needs help from a psychiatrist in this scenario, as she would be mentally ill. The divorce rate spikes dramatically in the weeks and months following child birth. Society likes to tell you it's because so many men are "deadbeat dads" (and in fairness, that is also a common thing), or because there was a case of false paternity (which sadly also happens). But nobody likes to talk about PPD... for many of these guys, the woman they loved is simply gone, replaced by a crazy person who refuses to get help. That happens all the time, to the extent that I think weekly psychiatric check-ins following child birth should be made routine care. It would save so many people a lot of hardship. Then there's the other option (which I think is more likely)... She blames herself for losing the child. She feels like a failure as a mother and a wife. Seeing her husband upset only adds to her feelings of guilt, needing to live with and be cared for by someone she believes she has hurt. Having to see the pain she believes she inflicted is too much for her. She's trying to "save him" from herself by actively pushing him away. She's decided it would be easier for both of them that way. He could move on with a woman who could give him the family he wants, and she doesn't need to see his disappointment every day. There is a real possibility she's done trying for kids after this, many women give up after a stillbirth because they know they can't go through that again. She thinks she's hurting him a little now to spare him more pain later. The sad thing is, if the latter is the case, I would divorce her too. That's not a decision she gets to make unilaterally. She can choose not to conceive again, that is her right alone. But to use such a method to force distance between them without a real, honest conversation would mean she doesn't see him as a partner at all. And I know that is not a conversation she wants to have, but want and need are two different things. If I were OP, I'd knuckle-under for a few months, let the dust settle a bit before making any big decisions. Make sure she is safe and cared for. Make sure she is getting help, taking all prescribed medications, etc. He should not have to make himself her punching bag in the moment, that is true. But the sharp-tongued ramblings of a mentally unwell person don't hurt nearly as much as leaving her in that condition. Things need to get back to "Normal" (or as close as possible to that) before any long term decisions are made about the relationship. He is entitled to his emotions, but honestly... the reason we men don't often show emotion is that we can turn them off for a while. Not forever, and we can't suppress everything all the time, but can any man say they don't know how to at least turn down the volume on them? Women can do it too, but it seems to be a much rarer trait among them. So you sit there an take it (within reasonable limits of course), then go to the gym and take it out on a punching bag. Take a walk in the woods and clear your head. Just hop in the car, crank up the music and drive for a few hours... whatever cathartic activity helps recharge that stoicism. There will be a time to address her words and actions, but it doesn't need to be now. He can't live like that forever, of course, but 6 months isn't too much to ask to save his marriage, and possibly his wife.
Well, you do you, but that just means you never loved your wife if you're going to leave her as soon as you two had a disagreement. Even siblings argue, and they usually know each other pretty well since they grew up together, not to mention a new couple who's just starting to make a family. Sure, her words were very hurtful, but I believe it's just hurt and anger talking. My guess as someone with a bad tongue as well is that op's wife is having a hard time handling her grief, and got pissed thinking that op wants to add his problems on her plate, hence why she got angry at op, but she didn't express it properly. Therapy is better for op's wife than a divorce. She's already going through a lot. She probably didn't even realize how hurtful she was because she was preoccupied by her grieving. Anyway, I'm just trying to make you see what may be her perspective. I'm also just ranting because I hate it when people are quick to say divorce, or go NC, whenever op is going through a challenging situation. They are good advices in certain cases, especially if it's a continuous thing, but sometimes it's better to talk things out first. It reminds me of those misunderstanding tropes in dramas that could have been solved in one episode if the mc just talked things out from the start.
@@lavidear6286 I don't care what your Western behind thinks. There's no excuses for treating anyone horribly. You do what you want because I don't care.
That sounds like such a heartbreaking and difficult situation to face. I’m sorry you had to deal with such negativity during what should be a joyful time. I hope you’re able to focus on your happiness and surround yourself with supportive people
Story 3. OP did the right thing. Turn it over to HR and leave it up to corporate to deal with. Story 2. Crazy people with baby rabies are getting outta hand. 😮
When my little boys cry when they are being brats I tell them many things, but I never tell them they are not a boy. Unrealistic expectations of men from women is one of the many reasons I feel lucky I have a husband. Story 2 is disgusting.
S1: I have to say that I found the attitude of the OP, his wife and their family to be a reaffirmation of harmful stereotypes. It is to deny both his grief and own mental health struggles, or to erase them as is often the mindset in society. And people wonder why rates of suicide and other distructive behaviours are so high… If she were simply lashing out at him out of pain, wouldn’t she subsequently apologise when she calm down? Never happened, though. He will always remember what she said, yet to her it will be merely incidental. It’s a tragic story, but individual counselling won’t heal how broken their relationship is as a couple at this moment.
The redditors who said he was being unsupportive and and even called him a bad husband irked me so much. Just because he's grieving his child too. What scumbags.
Story 1: OP really didn't get it, nobody is denying that his wife is grieving or even remotely saying some shits because of that. Wife didn't permit OP to be vulnerable and grieve for a valid reason that could break anyone with a heart, that's what rocking people's nerves
s1: aah the typical "because he's a male he can not feel pain" and it's not "his child, not his loos" garbage all over again. wtf is just wrong with all these people. 3 story: wow cover your ass fast. this is so dangerous today. that woman could spin everything around that. she did not lucky you op.
I don't know why this guy thought he'd get a measured response from reddit about a woman being anything but adorably self sacrificing in the face of adversity
Story 2: No way would sister’s husband actually love that child. And the in-laws? Guaranteed that they would immediately stop caring about the child once they got grandchildren from BiL’s siblings. And lastly, what if sister ends up pregnant and having a child? Are they just gonna dump the child on OP’s doorstep?
S1: I think the situation is just sad all around, and no one is the AH here, at least not intentionally. Grief, by nature, makes people irrational. I don’t think we can judge people when they are at their most vulnerable and most irrational. At least based on the little we know, we don’t have any evidence that the wife acts like that in normal times. What she said was horrible, yes, but these are decidedly not normal times as well.
Ok enough. Where do you find these people, how can people be this cruel to there loved ones? I used to doubt some of these but now I doubt all of them. Unsubscribe.😂
My first pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage, and my husband cried with me when we returned home from the hospital.
I think of that moment as something that got us closer, and helped me not to feel alone in that situation.
I cherish my husband showing vulnerability because it means he trusts me and is comfortable with me seeing that side of him
The update in the first story was just a waste of time. He just went on a long rant and justified his wife's terrible behaviour while making his well deserved emotion out to be something terrible and minimizing his own grief.
That's OP believing his wife and the people on reddit who told him he was wrong. She was the one in the wrong telling OP his grief was selfish.
@rugr82day absolutely, there was no way OP was wrong for crying. He lost a daughter too and had been there for his wife since it happened, yet his wife couldn't do the same.
Being a doormat to the evil woman he may need to divorce.
It’s not surprising, people in abusive relationships justify their partners abuse all the time. “She wouldn’t have hit me if I didn’t make her so mad.” I hope OP gets the therapy he needs and realizes just how horrible his wife actually is
Story 1: My wife isn't a bad person at all
Said all abused husbands.
Op1's wife is clearly grieving and deserves a lot of grace but that is 100% how she truly feels. He needs to find a way out because thats not gonna end well
Story 1 and that's why.men don't open Up to.their partners. He needs to divorce her ASAP..this is a sign she will see him as weak and pathetic and the disrespect will begin
Seriously, what a monster of a woman for doing that to her own partner
Well what the wife said to Op is harsh. Can't men cry without being judge by their significant other? But, 🤷🏼 op shouldn't feel guilty about crying in front of his wife, he just can't exactly bottle up these emotions mainly grievances
💯👍🏿
Unfortunately, this story is another representation of what a couple experiences when they have a stillbirth.
OP's wife is being irrational. Giving birth to a baby that is already gone absolutely destroys the woman. The fact that the baby is gone. Topped off with hormones that are going through her like a tornado. She's not herself. She'll never be the person she was. With a ton of medical treatments she can become a new person.
For men, the experience is totally different. That type of loss destroys him also. His hormones are set off. He will be irrational. The grief and torment he is experiencing is different from the Mom. It's still just as crushing . Medical treatments will help him deal and find the new him.
Many couples divorce after this kind of tragedy. Finding a new life together just isn't possible for them.
I'm glad OP is going to look into treatment for him and his wife. Individual and couples therapy could bring them through this tragedy.
Divorce her bro. She’s evil and honestly she probably not yours
Story 1, that is actual emotional abuse. Being told your emotions are wrong to have and punish you for having them. Hopefully OP gets a decent male therapist and is 100% honest with him. (Statistics show that men are more likely to stick with therapy with a male therapist and it's theorised that it's so because of the matching communication styles)
You’ve created something truly magical, and we’re all eagerly awaiting the next chapter to see what unfolds! ✨📚
Story 1: I would have died inside. Does someone have the username of the OP?
It's from 5 years ago and he only has two posts with no comments
@stanlera7803 thanks
If I was that guy in the first story I was divorcing her.
It depends on WHY she said what she said, and we don't know that.
Reddit seems to assume she is someone who thinks men are not supposed to have any emotions, and exist to stoically support the emotional needs of women. I have met women like this, and if that's the case, I agree, she's a dumpster-fire of a person, cut her loose. But there are other equally plausible scenarios as well.
The next thing is PPD. That can get really bad. Many women completely change their personality for weeks, months, even years (and sometimes the change sticks). They stop being rational. They just turn into someone else entirely. Most cases are short lived and relatively minor, but a severe case, piled on top of the loss of her child can really mess with her. She needs help from a psychiatrist in this scenario, as she would be mentally ill.
The divorce rate spikes dramatically in the weeks and months following child birth. Society likes to tell you it's because so many men are "deadbeat dads" (and in fairness, that is also a common thing), or because there was a case of false paternity (which sadly also happens). But nobody likes to talk about PPD... for many of these guys, the woman they loved is simply gone, replaced by a crazy person who refuses to get help. That happens all the time, to the extent that I think weekly psychiatric check-ins following child birth should be made routine care. It would save so many people a lot of hardship.
Then there's the other option (which I think is more likely)...
She blames herself for losing the child. She feels like a failure as a mother and a wife. Seeing her husband upset only adds to her feelings of guilt, needing to live with and be cared for by someone she believes she has hurt. Having to see the pain she believes she inflicted is too much for her. She's trying to "save him" from herself by actively pushing him away. She's decided it would be easier for both of them that way. He could move on with a woman who could give him the family he wants, and she doesn't need to see his disappointment every day. There is a real possibility she's done trying for kids after this, many women give up after a stillbirth because they know they can't go through that again. She thinks she's hurting him a little now to spare him more pain later.
The sad thing is, if the latter is the case, I would divorce her too. That's not a decision she gets to make unilaterally. She can choose not to conceive again, that is her right alone. But to use such a method to force distance between them without a real, honest conversation would mean she doesn't see him as a partner at all. And I know that is not a conversation she wants to have, but want and need are two different things.
If I were OP, I'd knuckle-under for a few months, let the dust settle a bit before making any big decisions. Make sure she is safe and cared for. Make sure she is getting help, taking all prescribed medications, etc. He should not have to make himself her punching bag in the moment, that is true. But the sharp-tongued ramblings of a mentally unwell person don't hurt nearly as much as leaving her in that condition. Things need to get back to "Normal" (or as close as possible to that) before any long term decisions are made about the relationship.
He is entitled to his emotions, but honestly... the reason we men don't often show emotion is that we can turn them off for a while. Not forever, and we can't suppress everything all the time, but can any man say they don't know how to at least turn down the volume on them? Women can do it too, but it seems to be a much rarer trait among them. So you sit there an take it (within reasonable limits of course), then go to the gym and take it out on a punching bag. Take a walk in the woods and clear your head. Just hop in the car, crank up the music and drive for a few hours... whatever cathartic activity helps recharge that stoicism. There will be a time to address her words and actions, but it doesn't need to be now. He can't live like that forever, of course, but 6 months isn't too much to ask to save his marriage, and possibly his wife.
Well, you do you, but that just means you never loved your wife if you're going to leave her as soon as you two had a disagreement. Even siblings argue, and they usually know each other pretty well since they grew up together, not to mention a new couple who's just starting to make a family.
Sure, her words were very hurtful, but I believe it's just hurt and anger talking. My guess as someone with a bad tongue as well is that op's wife is having a hard time handling her grief, and got pissed thinking that op wants to add his problems on her plate, hence why she got angry at op, but she didn't express it properly.
Therapy is better for op's wife than a divorce. She's already going through a lot. She probably didn't even realize how hurtful she was because she was preoccupied by her grieving.
Anyway, I'm just trying to make you see what may be her perspective. I'm also just ranting because I hate it when people are quick to say divorce, or go NC, whenever op is going through a challenging situation. They are good advices in certain cases, especially if it's a continuous thing, but sometimes it's better to talk things out first. It reminds me of those misunderstanding tropes in dramas that could have been solved in one episode if the mc just talked things out from the start.
@@lavidear6286 What makes you think I care about what your Western behind thinks?
You do what you want. I don't care.
@@lavidear6286 I don't care what your Western behind thinks. There's no excuses for treating anyone horribly. You do what you want because I don't care.
@@lavidear6286 You're a perfect example of hive behavior.
That sounds like such a heartbreaking and difficult situation to face. I’m sorry you had to deal with such negativity during what should be a joyful time. I hope you’re able to focus on your happiness and surround yourself with supportive people
Story 3. OP did the right thing. Turn it over to HR and leave it up to corporate to deal with.
Story 2. Crazy people with baby rabies are getting outta hand. 😮
When my little boys cry when they are being brats I tell them many things, but I never tell them they are not a boy. Unrealistic expectations of men from women is one of the many reasons I feel lucky I have a husband. Story 2 is disgusting.
S1: I have to say that I found the attitude of the OP, his wife and their family to be a reaffirmation of harmful stereotypes. It is to deny both his grief and own mental health struggles, or to erase them as is often the mindset in society. And people wonder why rates of suicide and other distructive behaviours are so high…
If she were simply lashing out at him out of pain, wouldn’t she subsequently apologise when she calm down? Never happened, though. He will always remember what she said, yet to her it will be merely incidental.
It’s a tragic story, but individual counselling won’t heal how broken their relationship is as a couple at this moment.
The redditors who said he was being unsupportive and and even called him a bad husband irked me so much. Just because he's grieving his child too. What scumbags.
Both parents lost a child not just one
Story 1: OP really didn't get it, nobody is denying that his wife is grieving or even remotely saying some shits because of that. Wife didn't permit OP to be vulnerable and grieve for a valid reason that could break anyone with a heart, that's what rocking people's nerves
💯👍🏿
s1: aah the typical "because he's a male he can not feel pain" and it's not "his child, not his loos" garbage all over again. wtf is just wrong with all these people.
3 story: wow cover your ass fast. this is so dangerous today. that woman could spin everything around that. she did not lucky you op.
Lots of comments here that show a lack of maturity
I don't know why this guy thought he'd get a measured response from reddit about a woman being anything but adorably self sacrificing in the face of adversity
1st story op isn't the ah his wife is!!
Story 2: No way would sister’s husband actually love that child. And the in-laws? Guaranteed that they would immediately stop caring about the child once they got grandchildren from BiL’s siblings. And lastly, what if sister ends up pregnant and having a child? Are they just gonna dump the child on OP’s doorstep?
Story 2: I’m so confused, OP ‘s family is “traditional” but tells them to abort?
Story1. He needs to run
Just from the title is alone is divorce worthy.
S1: I think the situation is just sad all around, and no one is the AH here, at least not intentionally.
Grief, by nature, makes people irrational. I don’t think we can judge people when they are at their most vulnerable and most irrational. At least based on the little we know, we don’t have any evidence that the wife acts like that in normal times. What she said was horrible, yes, but these are decidedly not normal times as well.
Wrong
Story 1: and everyone wonders why male self deletion is 4x higher than female statistics.
Im sorry the second post is real. Im in denial
ua-cam.com/video/n05B_pQXjio/v-deo.htmlsi=ZID9I-n_rck62rwt
Day 360 of commenting to help secretvoices
Day 360 of commenting thank you for your support ❤️❤️❤️
Ok enough.
Where do you find these people, how can people be this cruel to there loved ones?
I used to doubt some of these but now I doubt all of them.
Unsubscribe.😂