Escaping the "Should" Trap: Mental Health & Social Comparison
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- Опубліковано 16 кві 2024
- Do you find yourself caught in the trap of negative self-comparison and "should" statements? This video explores the roots of these thought patterns and offers practical steps to break free.
In this video, you'll learn:
• How "should" statements hold you back
• Strategies to challenge and reframe them
• Tips for cultivating self-compassion
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Comparison really is the theif of joy.
I'm putting this phrase on my wall.
Thief.
Sometimes my problem as a person with hyperphantasia from a heavily controlled upbringing is that the grass can seem greener over every human fence . . . and I was denied the exposure-derived self-knowledge and emotional processing help to develop a pragmatic “shouldn’t” to attenuate my “shoulds.”
So let me know if I read and understood accurately: you daydream vividly and it helps you build complex realities for the people you know, constructing a narrative where everyone is secretly better off than you?
If that’s the case, it sounds painfully familiar. My mom used to talk about how other families collaborated more on housework and shared goals. My dad projected his own educational attainment and science acumen onto everyone else like he was the norm. In my family most people had advanced degrees and partnerships from their teens and twenties that persisted. So I was given to understand a narrow view of what life was “supposed” to look like that I don’t vibe with.
I’ve realized I shouldn’t have kids because I would be miserable and I wouldn’t give a child a quality life that I would want for them. And that I shouldn’t marry someone just for their social status or income, like my grandmother had to. But if I don’t use the goal posts set by my family and immediate social/cultural context then I need to construct my own. And what would that even look like?
Alright, I know this is unnecessary. Adds nothing to your statement. Really stupid if you will, but holy shit chocolate rain!
You are quite possibly the last person i expected to find in this comment section
@@merrillsunderland8662
I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you, I'm so sorry 😢.
My situation was very different but I feel like may have a similar kind of end result. I was homeschooled by a mother that showed zero interest in my learning. I was essentially on my own day after day to complete my studies. Juxtaposed to that, however, I was never given the freedom, let alone the tools, to shape my own future. My mother was very controlling over my time but not for the sake of learning but for helping her around the house, etc. My time was dictated but never valued and self expression and the desire to branch out and explore what the world has to offer for me was stamped out.
Again, very different but I feel like the tools to shape our own future were never given to us. In your case, it sounds like you were shown what it's 'supposed' to be like. That you had to adhere to a blueprint of going to school, holding degrees, and marrying and having kids and, and, and... When we've only been given or shown a single outcome of who we're supposed to be the thought of seeing ourselves outside of that can feel impossible if not even a thought. What's helped me (and I'm sure you've heard it already) is finding a good, trusted therapist that can give you the safe space and introduce you to the tools and the very idea that you deserve to have your own life and your own desires and your own blueprint. When I first started therapy I didn't even realize what I wanted to get out of it. Honestly, I didn't know why I even got in the car to go to it. It feels so foreign and like it was pointless. I think that you've made a huge step forward in even recognizing that something is up and that you want SOMETHING else. That's the biggest hurdle, seeing that you want something different but not even knowing what it is that you want. Trust me, follow that feeling. It's scary at first, venturing into the vast unknown, but I promise you it's worth it. It won't be easy but you'll never look back and you'll thank yourself you started.
But hey I'm just a stranger on the internet and I could be completely off-base and I apologize if I am. If nothing else, please know that you deserve to find you and what YOU want in life.
First thing that my first therapist told me was to quit shoulding on myself! It changed my perception of that word.
I agree with that, focus on you. Forget the "should".
I agree with you.
Quit shoulding is the greatest relief.
She sounds like my therapist 😂 every time I have an untrue thought she says to give it the finger!
Someone once said put down the hammer and pick up a feather. STOP beating yourself up!
Can I beat myself with the feather? It's comforting to still play the same familiar game but using different tools.
@@wrongname2702 Sure, just turn the feather into a pen and write mean stuff about yourself if you are that determined.
This came just in time as I was hit with the weight of hearing another friend moving forward and I’m feeling stuck and like everything was in vain.
These videos are so important and relevant. We are never too old to learn about ourselves and better ourselves. I’m 47 and only two years ago did I learn to love myself. The techniques that Dr. Marks teaches really are fundamental. I am overflowing with gratitude ❤
Best advice I ever received and used was to drop “should” “but” and “sorry”
My therapist told me “you’ll should your pants” and I think of it every time I say should now.
Wait i don't get it :'(
Love it 😂
“Should is a futile word. It's about what didn't happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.” Margaret Atwood.
My relatives do this to me, comparing me to someone else and it always knocks my confidence a lot (especially when they compare my ASD to some one else that have ASD as well and they keep on forgetting every person that has ASD experiences it uniquely differently).
Other than that i wholeheartedly agree with everything you have said in your video.
I will say they do this to force u to do better in their eyes bc they think harassing people to do things makes us stronger. It’s something the boomer generation continued from warring times but other reasons is that’s all they know and saw so they continue it bc it’s familiar
@@HShango I can understand that probably sucks, I have asd but barely affected by it, but as you said everyone who has ASD literally is unique and may or may not have it worse in some departments, so it aint your fault.
Oh I feel you. I have a PTSD diagnosis along with asd and that obliterated any chance of being functional. Like yeah, compare me to people who had functional families, support, funding, and professional help. All of which I did not. Makes sense.
Oh how I love this! The reframed sentences made me feel great just by hearing them
Thank you for giving examples of how to reframe our shoulds
Simply as a matter of statistical probability w/o any psychology/moral connotations.
I get regularly caught up in "shoulds" that I set for myself and have to challenge them consistently. It's exhausting, but over time you'll get better at setting less of them and as a result, disappoint yourself less.
Thank you, Dr. Tracey. This video hit home for me and reminded me of the dangers of comparison. I appreciate how you provide such a thorough but digestible mental health education to your viewers. Thank you so very much!!
I've found that my life is plagued with "shoulds" towards myself (im very much a perfectionist)
This video was very helpful, thank you
I got people around me who talks "you should… you should… they should… it should…"
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
This is one of the most relevant and important videos you've done (IMHO). THANK YOU so much for shedding light on this.
Perfect timing. Like a God sent video at the right time 😅. Thnx Dr Marks 😊
She really is the DSM-Live . . . always on time ❤
Thanks so much for this, Dr. Tracey. This really hit home for me.
Thank you! Have a wonderful rest of your week!😊
Thank you, Dr. Tracey. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Another amazing video!! All the visuals are so helpful.
This is gold, Doc!💗🔥🔥🔥🔥
I've been working on not shoulding myself thanks to my therapist pointing it out. It's so hard. This made a lot of sense. Thanks!
Thank you Dr. Tracey!
Thank you for this!
Thanks, I needed that.
I needed to hear this. Thank you, Dr. Marks
Another great video
Thanks for posting this
Great advice, doctor.
Thank you for this video DR. Marks it is very helpful and its helped put things into perspective.
Another helpful “lesson “.
Thank you Dr Tracey
Great video, advice and your so kind to us. Thank you Dr Tracey Marks. Regards.
This was really great thank you Doc. 💜
The classic, stop should-ing on yourself
always good advice for our mental health, thanks! 🧠👍
Wow Doc🙌🙌 Thank you so much for these great insights💜💜💜. This couldn't have come at more opportune time.
Thank you so much for the anti-should phrase list.
As usual, thanks for a great video Dr Marks ! I can relate to the first 5 'should's , especially "I should be married by now" and "I should be further along in my career", which looking at it objectively, I really should, and I'm close to 60. The reason I haven't realised my 'shoulds' is because of my major depression, which I've had to deal with over the last at least 45 years, and sadly, am having to exist with. My 'career' is all but dead now, having been made redundant 6 years ago, and my depression just destroying everything in its path. I've never married, nor have I (which you might expect if I had been), been divorced, so as far as I can see, I'm potentially where I'd have been if I were married and divorced - alone, but still having my house.
Greetings from Venezuela. 🇻🇪
A meaningful discourse on a topic few have brought up but thought about 😮
Practical easy to relate to advice thanks
Thank You, Dr. Marks, Hope all is well, God bless
Your videos are amazing but lol the stock footage of the guy and kitten @ :27 is gold.
I can’t wait to get the guide! I’m so critical of myself
Amazing. Thank you very much.
My shoulds add up quickly as I'm older now. I should be married, I should be working (disabled), I should be successful by now, and the lists goes on and on.
Yeah, every year I get older I feel it more.
Thanks for interesting video! ❤
I like that you included religious pressures
So Pro . You nail it.❤
Great video! Very helpful to use with clients -- I'm taking notes. The number system is all over the place. It goes 1-7 then 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 3, 4...
Omg! My therapist and I talk about this every session because the word should is like ingrained in my internal monologue it’s so hard to get rid of. “Should”, “Need to”, “Have to”, “Must” are like how I describe everything I ever do it’s crazy. My therapist calls it “Must-erbation” lol
Thanks!
You’re welcome and thank YOU! 🙏🏽❤️
Thank You for this video. 👌😁👌😁👌😁👌
Thank you for making this video, this is very helpful..... lots of love from Nepal ❤❤❤...
My shoulds are "I should act like my younger neurotypical sister who already has a house." and "I should already know what career I want." (I'm 37) I don't know how to stop thinking those 😞
What a remarkable lesson 🌟
Thank YOU, Dr. Marks🦋
Marks*
@@orlandocontrerascastro9472 did yuo knotice eye korrecd the nme? Thnk yuo.
I just ended a 4 year relationship and am regretting dropping my Master’s degree during the pandemic. I have always felt that my life is a reflection of my parents, my perceived social standing, my skills and abilities. So if I don’t meet culturally prescribed milestones at the same time as others, it highlights that there’s actually something deeply wrong with me. Deconstructing it has been wild, because you get a chance to make up your own milestones but like…what does that even look like? There’s never been another me before. How do I know when the right time is to go back to school, or try dating again?
Can you talk about things that were difficult for you to cut down? You seem very well prepared on everything and it makes me question what challenges you are actually facing
True, "should" is not part of "radical acceptance". However, nothing, good or bad, can ever happen without "should". People with perfect mental health would still be hunter gatherers, as it "should" be.
Aitäh!
ROBERT ANTON WILSON genius Ontologist and proponent of NLP. Said "Should" is better taken out of vocabulary rather use maybe or could or if .
Hello.. I have a question, please, which is considered a good alternative to beta-adrenergic blockers? Is it Omega-3 or St. John’s wort?
Dr Tracey what about Pain when you are on meds?
i have this problem .. being out into 7 foster homes and wanting to succeed at life i our so many should as on myself :(..
DR TRACEY MARKS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUT YOU DON’T NEED THOSE CUTAWAYS! TELL EM WHAT YOU KNOW❤️❤️❤️❤️
❤❤❤
Looks like I can`t download Self-Compassion Guide from this part of the World. So, what can I say to my inner critic just not to feel like I`m a failure? Shit happens...
"Should've, would've, could've!
If "if" and "buts" were candy and nuts
we'd all of had a very merry Christmas!
I feel like I "should" have kids by now as a 44 year old. Most people my age have kids. I need to stop "shoulding" myself but I do feel shame that I will never have kids (perimenopause so it's too late biologically and financially, I can't afford to adopt.)
Hello
How can we book a consultation with you when living in another country?
That poor cat looks like it’s being held hostage 😂
Why the apostrophe in should’s?
Just a suggestion on the presentation. I think it would be better of you delivered the examples yourself. Cutting to a different narrator feels a bit jarring to me.
Mon amour Tracey Marks
well it’s hard to not say you should do all those things when not doing them means you will be poor and lonely and everyone else will treat you badly for it, we say we should do those things because not doing them means pain and suffering
Shoulda woulda coulda
Have you got anything on procrastination?
I SHOULD have never got recruited by tge Jehovah's Witnesses Cult. Everything they use makes you feel useless and not good enough. Keep away from this insidious so called religion. Evil mind control tactics they have perfected🙃
The first thing I noticed was the voiceover old guy is Irish too!
LOL! I just heard it.
Mental constipation😂😂😂 thank you Doc
What about when other people don't do what they should? Like:
he should make room for me to merge
he should hold the door for me
she should send me a birthday greeting
she should not use my things without asking
she should not expect me to drive to work in a blizzard
They say nobody owes you anything. So if we don't want to do something, we need to set the boundaries. If we want something, we need to learn how to ask for it. It's a matter of social and communication skills.
@@meetandinspire Well, I've told my boss I'm not going to work if there's snow in the forecast after nearly having a head on collision in the dark going home in the snow in February, and she still expected me to go one night. I said no, she kept calling and calling and texting. I said "I'm going to work tomorrow Please stop calling me", and she stopped. Hopefully she remembers for next time, but I was still hurt that she expected me to risk my life.
Then there's my mother who I've told repeatedly not to cross various boundaries, asked her not to wash my cup and glass, not to enter my home without being invited, and she continued to cross them thinking she has a right to me, and after many years of this, and telling me I'M rude and hurtful, I've gone no contact.
Then there's a family friend who I exchanged birthday wishes with my entire life, until recent years when it's started dropping off. I stopped writing to her as it seemed to be a hassle to her to communicate, then was surprised to hear from her summer before last, then she skipped xmas, and my birthday and I was hurt. I have BPD and I snapped at her 5 days after my birthday. SHe's like a sister to me, and she replaced the uncaring sister I did have. I called her a snob. Over 5 whole days she didn't have one minute to send me a brief 3 word text? I don't care what's going on in a person's life, there's always 1 minute to remember someone who's lonely and hurt, if you care a scrap about them. Clearly she no longer cared about me. She was cruel and hurtful in reply, I was worthless, so that relationship is now also over. These people they should behave better. But they don't.
Ask yourself if all of those are obligations (they aren't).
@@ktkee7161 Thanks, You're right. That's a good way to look at it. I wish there was a law about picking up after one's dog. People "should" really not leave dog doo out for others to see, step in, or their dogs to sniff or step in. I wish they'd do as I do and carry a roll of baggies out on walks with them and pick it up and place in the appropriate bins. It should be a bylaw. Maybe it is in some places. But I'm thinking I have difficulty separating myself from other people, as if everybody is me, and I can't understand why they do things I wouldn't do. Maybe it's a loneliness thing. Too much time alone. I have had difficulty with enmeshment in the past. I meld with others. A psychiatrist explained that I derive my self worth out of others' thoughts and actions of and toward me, and that I've got to separate myself, individuate. External locus of control? Something like that. WHen someone says I'm bad, then I'm bad. I take that onboard full heartedly. Like when the realtor ignored my email. I got so angry and it festered in me for months. I just couldn't conceive of why she'd be so cold and rude. WHy would she not help, or at least explain that she could not, maybe because I wasn't her client and she was busy, or that it was too hard a question, or she didn't know, or anything, something, but dead silence is just the worst undue punishment. I have always had that problem, tunneling into people's motivations and feelings. Possibly the result of being raised by a narcissist. You learn to be very good at predicting their requirements and being on high alert.
@@meetandinspire okay, I found out there is a dog waste by law in my town so I can correctly say, people SHOULD pick up their dog waste. That's one area people are obliged, and they still don't do it!
As for the ignoring of birthdays, there is no law against it but it's still not very nice. And it cost me a lifelong relationship, because I felt so unvalued by this person. And her reaction was one of "Why should I? What's it to me?" I think I did the right thing to let her go from my life. I just had my next birthday after that event and I didn't feel unhappy at all. Where is last year I felt so neglected and forgotten.
💛💛💛💕💕💕🥰🥰🥰👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Yes, this and the "supposed tos." Gotten pretty good at keeping a striaght face when I hear this one. "Because that's what you are supposed to do."
At this point I know I am dealing with a naive, well indoctrinated idiot. And it so happens they are legion in my land of the free, utterly oblvious to their indoctrination and generally with little hope of every breaking through.
I follow you on UA-cam and any doctor who backs up their opinions with research. Sorry to say it but all of you are driving us to a dead end. I am 65 years old and until today I had no problems with my health. In a last general blood test I had the following result. Triglycerides 86ml/dl, uric acid 6.5ml/dl cholesterol 213ml/dl HDL 50ml/dl LDL140ml/dl blood pressure average diastolic 65 and systolic 105. Fasting blood glucose 90mg/dl and two hours after eating 125mg/dl ApoB 92. My doctor saw these blood markers and tells me that I will have to be on statins for life anyway. When I asked him what his personal opinion is, he replied that these are the guidelines of the European Society of Cardiology and he has no personal opinion. In literally five minutes of the hour he finished the exam. What is your opinion? Should I take statins or not? By speaking your opinion, you have no responsibility. You can take my case as a case-study
Statins are VERY bad for muscle tissue and can even lead to a heart attack. Research it for yourself.
I should lose weight
So give up on seeing reality? A scientific bull
OK. We have Todd Grande who is actually super cool, because he's a THERAPIST ASSHOLE. Todd sort of implies, you can find a lot of people possibly doing something wrong, let something terrible happen in the name of motivation.. People are sweeping something under the rug due to something to do with people still appearing motivated. We have that for sure, stop the show and reorganize, but oh no, they're not gonna.. and you find smart people still doing this. We're into the forensics? Here's a good one then, the should. Can you find someone acting against their own best interest for a should? Hell yeah, and that's a lot to do with it. So what is it about, Todd I think is implying something about punishment, does it work and who does it work for. When I was working on my MRI degree, the professor Dr. Weening is privy to lawsuits against MRI facilities, and what does he say.. It's often about broken equipment, something is broken but they decided to soldier along anyway (my experience with this is true, somehow a broken "coil" the part you put against the body to read in the magnetic information, can get ridiculously hot, and if you hold it just the right way it might still work, like a lot of electronics.. your phone cord doesn't seem to work unless you hold it at 43 degrees and upside down. Burns.. but the techs didn't flag the broken part. Whole lot of should here yeah. It's forensics, do we have people shoulding to a extent of some kind of serious negligence, and what would be the recommendation to do about it
Could you please wear more dress shirts?
I switched to thumbs down for the robot voice.
Can you talk about things that were difficult for you to cut down? You seem very well prepared on everything and it makes me question what challenges you are actually facing