Dismissive Avoidant & Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Key Differences & Similarities
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- Опубліковано 1 чер 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares the key characteristics of a dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) and the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style). Watch now to learn about the differences and similarities, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:59 - Characteristics of the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
00:02:43 - Characteristics of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
00:03:07 - Fears / Core Wounds
00:05:26 - Emotional Tendencies
00:06:03 - 14-Day Free Trial: Needs Course
00:06:36 - Needs
00:07:18 - Boundaries
00:07:49 - Coping Mechanisms
00:08:43 - What Does This Mean to You
00:10:13 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #DisorganizedAttachment #DisorganizedAttachmentStyle #FearfulAvoidantCourse #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #FearfulAvoidantNeeds #DismissiveAvoidantNeeds #CoreWounds #UnmetNeeds
My ex abruptly ended things the day after spending a full day together & talking about our future, telling me how much she appreciates me in her life, etc. She immediately went back with her ex that she had previously criticized to me & blocked my number, even though I wasn't texting/"harassing" her. I feel hopeless because I treated her so well and with so much love and in the end, got nothing in return. It was just ripped from my hands without warning. It's been almost a month and it still stings because we never had real closure. It was just real love & then it was gone, like a light switch.
Twiiinnn. You’ll get through it. Acceptance is key. Focus on yourself for now; nurture the other relationships in your life
Look for the podcasts/videos from Thought Catalog on letting go. Some people are simply not in a place to accept our love.
I had the same thing happen to me a few years ago. Trust me- it’s not you, it’s them. They were still in live with the person they went back to. You dodged a bullet. It took me 2 years to get over the carpet being ripped out from under me, but I am stronger and wiser now. You will push through this painful time and will come out better for it.
@@diannemarchese4808 It's just madness to me because she did all these things that gave me the opposite impression. She introduced me to her best friend, she cried in my arms as we watched romantic movies, the same week she had me sign up at her private gym so we could workout together. & then it was just gone & forgotten as if she never even cared. It's an impossible thing to rationalize.
Not quite as extreme but I had a similar situation. Absolutely devastating.
I am FA and was discarded by a DA after many years. I did not know any of this at the time but now I do. I’m struggling to heal almost 2 years later.
We’re so proud of all the hard work and dedication you’ve put into your healing journey!
I noticed you’ve been redoing some of your older videos in an updated format. I’m particularly enjoying the last two demonstrating the difference between FA vs. DA, and FA vs. AA. I would love to see an updated version about FA leaning dismissive vs. DA leaning fearful. Also, I don’t recall you doing a video about FA leaning anxious vs. anxious leading FA. I’m also still hoping to eventually see individual videos elaborating on the five different sub-types of FAs and four different types of DAs, so for instance, a video all about the internal FA, or a video all about the enmeshed DA, etc.
Thank you for your kind suggestion and we're glad you find great value out of the content :) Will forward this to Thais !
I’m a FA & often get in relationships with DAs. They bring out my anxious side but I understand their avoidant side. But often what ends it it’s them triggering my anxiety & I end it. I’m glad I know this but I hate it at the same time.
Same! It starts out bonding over the commonalities of emotional behaviors with the avoidant tendencies, and then once I attach, we diverge, as I start down the FA "Let's dive in!" path and the DA wants to either go slow, or has to withdraw a lot to recharge from my intensity.
I have a core wound specific to my own childhood which is "You're too much so I want to get away from you," so when the DA takes space (and as DAs the6 just naturally need more space), I activate my 4Fs and just shut down and the relationship is over.
I've identified this and actually tried to find a middle ground with DAs, but the amount of space DAs like compared to SAs, AAs, and other FAs, even when negotiated, is too little for me and I just emotionally starve to death or lose interest.
I know this is a little nuanced but I am quite similar - and for me what has helped is focusing on working on some of my more avoidant tendencies emotionally. In opening up more in those ways - I do still have that need for autonomy and freedom that has now become more of a preference, but I am a lot less resonating with what initially drew me deeply close to DA’s.
Even if I identify with and understand it, I tend to not necessarily ‘bond’ over these things, and acknowledge them as part of me but I’m more vocal and identify now more with my letting go of a lot of those things- meaning- I actually don’t connect as much any more with my avoidant side or am aware of it, but don’t allow that to be a primary connection point (because it is! So interesting but that always feels like such a bonding thing right?)
What I’ve realized is that by working on my avoidant side and NOT making that this highlight or bonding feature, I see this side of me as more of a preference or potentially lifestyle choices, introversion autonomy etc but when meeting someone I really want to learn and identify where they share closeness and connection- since that is the area we have to meet in. Otherwise we’d just be two really cool ships who are very similar just passing in the night and into different directions. So I try to bond over what it is we do connect on relationally and life wise and see where that is compatible. From there I can explore the autonomy with my own healthy boundaries and a huge part as an FA is learning to observe, take things slow.. not dive into connection like a hungry wolf and to really practice new ways of channeling that energy, or slowing it down.
The main point in NOT bonding over one another’s avoidant sides is that while there is some validity to this down the road - as a bonding feature, then getting attached, you’re ultimately bonding over the thing that creates distance, not connection- which is sort of paradoxical if you think about it.
It would be like two people bonding over how disorganized or lacking in focus they are and then being like - wow we have so much in common! We should start a business together! Because there is such a shared deeper compassion and understanding (terrible example but just go with it- and on an emotional bond level this is MASSIVELY bonding to feel truly SEEN and understood by another)
But spoiler alert- two people who bond over something they have a particular weakness or tendancy towards - or let’s not use the word weakness but for example NOT avoiding is a pretty important part of not just forming but also maintaining connection, much like having focus and follow through is key for someone starting a business. So deciding to do that thing together - is where a wall could eventually be hit.
NOT always but I am just so in agreement that emotionally that bonding over avoidance is alluring, it is connective, it helps you feel like someone understands you, like we are not alone, etc. But the more ive worked on that part and resist the urge to lean into that as a primary bonding point and rather ask the VERY important questions about what are our strengths in connecting? How are we both overcoming our issues that we’ve come up against around avoidance?
You can be with a DA or find that connection very attractive and I still do but if you already know the emotional starvation part doesn’t work for you (as I do as well), and you actually are wanting a relationship.. the more you stop identifying with and finding comfort in, and working through the avoidant parts.. the more you’ll lead with wanting to bond over how you and someone else connect in relationships. And if anything, how you’ve overcome the avoidance. It’s sort of a solution in itself- once you are in a place of awareness that you aren’t attracted to emotional starvation and aren’t chasing neglect (which is a level of healing in itself), in my experience the next step is to preemptively seek to discern early on, and to be confident in leading with the parts of you that actually really seek closeness and connection. Find out how the other person does also. Not just in the beginning but in the long run. And work towards curbing that insatiable connection emotional intensity craving by doubling down on balance with other areas of life, and other connections (platonic etc) ESPECIALLY once you meet someone you like, and as you get to know them. To maintain balance.
This is what I am discovering anyway, as an FA who has dealt with a lot of the same! I totally get it. It has taken a LOT of commitment to solitary time and platonic connections and learning myself to get to this understanding for me. And not just giving into the yearnings of romantic connection, while I navigate where some of these patterns have occurred and how I can move forward in some newer ways now. More slowly and more connected to myself. I make sure my relationship with myself is number one, and to maintain that.
@@Kinteresting I've been on a similar journey. I think you totally enlightened something for me in this response that will help going forward.
When you said, "Bonding over the DA tendencies," it made me personally realize that my pattern with DAs has been to bond with them because I tend to have a lot of shared INTERESTS with the DAs. It just so happened that I encounter a lot of DAs with similar hobbies/interests to me and then I would jump in, thinking, "We have so much in common!" I assumed that the connection would sort of arise from the commonalities, never taking into account attachment styles and how relational connection looks different to other attachment styles.
In the past I have neglected to look at whether I was bonding with them because we wanted the same TYPE of relational connectivity. That puts to words something super distinct I've only recent learned in the last year.
I personally lean anxious as an FA but for years suppressed that side and embraced the avoidant tendencies more so as to not appear weak or vulnerable, so now as I actually own and explore more of the anxious side (where the majority of the core wounds are), I feel like I'm becoming aware and more open as to HOW to ask for the level of connection I want. I used to dismiss the level of connection I wanted because I thought it was "too much" or "too intense" and thus, a mental disorder. I just was asking for it from the wrong people in the wrong ways.
You're also totally right about us establishing strong inner boundaries and activities that are not relational because I think they help contain the intensity part or provide structure.
FA’s tend to have more fear and anger which causes trust issues. They also tend to gaslight more in relationships. The DA is more consistent in pushing people away and is more of the stonewalling type.
I think my ex is struggling with borderline. But it feels a lot like fearful avoidant too. I’d love to see a video on how they overlap and how they’re different.
I think she’s done one in the past
I've been struggling to know if I'm DA or FA. I think i'm quite clearly on the DA side. This video helped me clarify that finally! Quite the relief, thanks. Now to work on it ... 🙃
It is crucial to understand this that if your partner is genuinely uninterested in you or just have avoidant attachment style wether it is DA aur FA because a person might show these similar signs if he/she not genuinely interested in you.
Hello!
Could you do a video about the empathic ability of the different attachement style? Wich one are more able to see other‘s perscpective?
I love your content you are on point 100% :))
Hello Johnny, Thank you for your suggestion. Will forward this to Thais. We wish you all the best on your healing journey!
ENLIGHTENMENT
Right before this one I watched "4 Texting Signs A Dismissive Avoidant Is NOT Into You! | Dismissive Texts"
I have a feeling the left on read/ increasing delays I got were not a sign of lack of interest in me (the eyes when we met in person really said otherwise) BUT a sign of unestablished boundaries making my DA ill at ease.
Meanwhile I recognize myself pretty much 100% in what you describe of an FA...
Thank you so much Thais & PDS
I can relate to so much of your story I understand your pain. I’m sorry this has happened to you
Literally my exact situation. Thank you.
Thanks for the video. But I am still having a hard time deciding whether my avoidant ex is dismissive or fearful 🤔😧
Me too. I think mine is both, leaning strong DA.
Nice breakdown. It pretty much confirms my friend is an FA. I'm going to share this video with her.
Thank you. This video was vlear an helpful. I am dealing with both FA and DA types in my life and I've always suspected that a narcissist can have a terrible impact on an adult leaning FA.
Excellent video, thanks a lot Thaïs 😊 !
I have a lot of both styles according to this video
My Ex-DA do seem similar relationship wise on the outside, but when tryin to make it work it just wont without the real work, individually and together. Like an hour commitment per week. It was too much for him but I just hit my 1 year with no plans to stop!
Really great video. Thanks 🙏
We’re so glad you’ve found great value out of the content!
This was helpful
What if they have some of both?? How do we approach that?
This is me and my ex to a T. Whew. Thank you so much for this content.
Thanks a lot, Thais! 🙏
Hello Nadia, We’re so glad you’ve found great value out of the content!
Hi Thais, you mentioned in this video talking to your partner and seeing if they are willing to work on the downsides of their insecure attachment style. I did that with my last partner (FA) and at first he was. We worked on identifying and communicating emotions and needs for several months and then one day he kind of exploded and said he didn't want to do the stupid book anymore, it's not working and seeing a counselor is not working (we had only gone 3 times). We broke up shortly after that. Many people shamed me for "trying to change him" and waved that "sage advice" in my face that you can't marry a man thinking you will change him. I wasn't trying to change his personality or career choice or dreams or values or anything like that, but I was trying to change the way he was treating me (especially when triggered), so maybe still I was wrong? Can you do a video on what is the difference between the kind of trying to change someone that is wrong and will only lead to disappointment and the kind you speak about? When people tell me you can't change someone it makes me feel like i have to find someone who is perfect for me, has a secure attachment style and is already proficient at resolving conflicts, which just seems hopeless 😦
I’d love to know your analysis of a DA and a FA in a relationship? Asking for a friend 😮💨
Can you be a mix of the two? ❤
I think so. Looking at my history, I was an FA and still am, but in adulthood, I suffered a horrific medical institutional trauma. To survive as an adult and protect myself, I ended up being forced to behave in ways typical to how DAs coped in childhood, which until thwt point had been largely not modeled to me growing up.
The end result is that at my core, I am an FA, and it's very evident in romantic relationships, but on my surfaces/in the workplace/in platonic relationships I read more as a DA.
I think the distinct trauma happening in adulthood as opposed to childhood, and the trauma being so different in type than anything experienced before in my life, added a separate attachment layer than just my attachment styles formed in childhood.
You can be a mix of all or any of them, the boxes are only conceptual models to group typical patterns and tendencies and attempt to identify different early environmental or other causal relations (wounds) between them. Differences in temperament between a child and caregiver, a "checkered" trauma history, and/or neurodivergence can lead to different "stories" being internalized from similar occurences (example: a very young child, completely dependent on a caregiver's acceptance and validation, may interpret disapproval or indifference as a threat to physical survival, triggering safety, abandonment, and/or unworthiness themes). The general associations are useful to begin questioning and examining trauma history and automatic responses, but I think for many of us that's probably just the beginning and we have to get more nuanced and specific, use our stories like a lever to "lift" neuroses to get a good look at what's hidden under them. My own constellation is like a Jackson Pollock painting, so...if you're all over the map, you're probably on the right trail- pack a lunch and pace yourself.
@@Sidera17 That's really helpful, thank you
@@don-eb3fj Interesting, thank you.
@@don-eb3fj Oh wow, yes to all this.
I feel like you're right about all the elements existing, and then just having to map them out specifically. Maybe only SOME exist to a problematic degree for an individual, and maybe some can be solved or created over time.
I also totally think that the other person in the relationship may determine which elements comes forward to which degree, which is why we have to be careful when making partner choices.
Can someone be both?
My dog doesn't exhibit any of these qualities. WOOF !
Neither does my cat.
Question: who feels safe during conflict? As a DA that sounds wild to me, But I do notice that not everybody avoids conflict at all costs. I used to really dislike those people and felt like they were bringing harm into the groups I was in. Apparently some people don’t start to feel unsafe in conflict?
Could relate to both of these I understand there is overlap, but is specifically categorizing ourselves into one of the two choices crucial?
What happens when a DA and FA get together as a couple?
Appreciate this comparison; it explains so much for me ❤️🩹
We’re so glad you’ve found great value out of the content! We wish you all the best on your healing journey