I remember learning about this in my Abnormal Psych class! The Professor broke this down in terms of a children's approach to a new playground: 1.) Secure attachment: the child will run off to the playground knowing they will be safe and taken care of by the caregiver 2.) Anxious attachment: the child will approach the playground with caution and will keep looking back for fear of abandonment 3.) Avoidant attachment: the child will play regardless of the caregiver being present because they have learned to rely on themselves 4.)Disorganized attachment: the child is unsure of how to meet their own needs and will hesitate to play. At times they will remain stagnant in their decision making (this particular style was hard to pinpoint and we also identified this as a "wild card")
I’ve changed a lot in my attachment since being married I went from anxious to disorganized then secure. My partner was made for me is all I can say. He probably doesn’t know this yet but I’ve learnt a-lot being married to him and grew a lot emotionally.
@@dietzdigitalpro8030 What type of attachment do you give to someone who follows everywhere(my husband follows me everywhere eg.restaurant,drive our car)
Really emotional watching this. I was abused by my mother as a child…. disorganised attachment style. I have an 8 month old baby girl and she is so happy and content. She is confident and turns to see if I am watching her doing something new, she squeaks with excitement when she sees me. She is the light of our lives and she will only know love and healthy boundaries. I pray we teach her to be kind too so she can be happy and have friends. Thank you for saying we can change if we are aware
@@Dandydiddy it was physical, lots of beatings and also emotional… I was told that I was the reason my mother was unhappy and that one day I would wake up and she would be gone. That she hated us. I always felt that I was bad. That it was all my fault. But I now know that she was in terrible pain and that I wasn’t responsible for any of it. The resilience of the human spirit is unbelievable x
I am evidence that you can absolutely change your attachment style! I was pretty severely neglected as a child, which resulted in an avoidant attachment style all the way through my late 20s. Through a combination of self-awareness, therapy, and a relationship with a partner with a very secure attachment style, I was able to shift into a more secure attachment style.
I feel like i’m somewhere between secure attachment and avoidant attachment. my parents have always been there for me, making me feel safe and, most of the times, understood. however, i used to go out of home and expect my others relationships to be like they were with my family. that, of course, not always happened and some bad experiences with people outside my family made me avoid sharing my feelings so i won’t get hurt. 🤷🏽♀️ great video!!!!sending love and support from Brazil🇧🇷❤️
Yeah I get this dude, I feel like more of the same since I grew up a lot in a loving secure family but somewhere along the way I just started hiding my feelings and holding them in because I didn't want people to start treating me differently and I didn't want to deal with everything like that and just all the stress and confrontation
This is me too! I’m very independent, but now I start to know that my trauma and family that they’ve a huge influence on my approach to making friends and be consistent. Also the years of heavy bullying did not work on my mental health. Been in therapy so often since my 18th, but only now at 29 I have a therapist who addresses these things and I’m shocked that all my previous therapist would never have worked with this information. I realized that my verbally abusive father, and physical abusive to my siblings it imprinted a behavioral pattern in me. By avoiding things out of fear of being told off. Not saying it was all bad, but it’s the fine line of emotional support that I’ve been lacking and yearning for. But accepting my parents will never change in that behavior and I won’t be able to go to them when I’m emotionally in distress as they would and still will say that we should get over it, not complain, not cry, just pretend it’s okay,or it’s my fault I’m in the predicament and should have not been so risky with my decisions (all things I’ve hear in my childhood, teenage stage, and in my adulthood). I love them, but having to cut them mentally out of my live by not expecting them to change took months, still working on it, and in the beginning I cried a lot (especially during therapy sessions). I still fear I will never be able to have a serious relationship (a me too story that happen when I was young), the trauma from home, and the bullying, made me weak, insecure, and I’ve been pretending to be ok for so long.I’m okay now, it feels different from all the other times I was okay, because I’m working towards not blocking my emotions, my instinct, my avoidance behavior, but it’s scary as my old behavior often is back without realizing but I do notice it later on I avoided an argument. I trigger myself to change these patterns. I try to follow my own advice I would give to my friends, I listen to my own advice, I say NO when I’m uncomfortable or don’t feel like I could do them a favor or when I want to leave earlier then the rest I actually am doing that now (had huge FOMO and it never made me happy because I would stay even though I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore). But most importantly, I am able to make crazy decisions without have to get acceptance from my parents, as I always needed their approval. I hope I get their, as all the changes make me incredibly emotional as all walls are breaking down, I always tried to please others, be the best at everything, but I was never better/okay vs the others. Forever comparing, right now I’m more often on the I am okay scale and you are okay too, you can think what you want but I think what I want spectrum. To not be bothered what the other person did better or worse. This last one is still one of my biggest challenges. But knowing and recognizing I do those things without realizing is so cool, to be able to notice the signs and change your mindset and not be bothered, worried, anxious, to just be happy with your own being. Truly never understood that feeling until this life year. Took me a long time to realize, but if I am ever brave enough to be able to be in a close relationship will take me some time more. I stopped dating, as I would only go for those that were nice, cute, pretty, but i knew I didn’t care, and if I did fall in love I’d push the away out of huge fear. Such big fear that I’d often freez in totality, at those moments I’d get into panic and broke it off by never contacting them again. I know awful, but I feared myself most of all as when my fear arose and I started to freez the feeling inside was as bad as wanting to hurt the other person, which I never did but know I’d be capable off. I mean my father did so too, I get angry quickly towards my family, and frustrated too. I know this is part of not having learned how to deal with my emotions when we are in stress or when we are upset. But yeah, both my parents have never been able to cope with those things either, nor have they thought us. I dunno, small steps, includes being honest towards my friend and partners especially when the behavior arises. I know now that I cannot expect everyone to already know what I’m thinking, what I want to do, or that I cannot do everything I want to do as it simply doesn’t work like that. I’ve been in denial for so long, I’ve been stubborn, but mostly broken and I’m trying the mend this part of me again. Coming Monday I got therapy again, and kinda terrified for it. Because were going to talk about exactly this, relationships. That topic I am always avoiding because of fear, and that fear had many many layers. Hope you are okay too, it’s a year later now, but I hope you have also learned to slowly trust people again and open up again, which will make you vulnerable, but it’ll be wort it for sure. Normally this would have been my mental health diary entry, but I’ve written it near now and feels kinda good. 😊 If you are still reading this, have a wonderful day, thank you 🙏 for reading, and know that you are allowed to not be happy about certain situations, that you can speak up, to you are perfectly fine and the others can do whatever they want to do but you are you and that’s enough! ❤️
This! I'm comfortable within my family but outside of them, I don't trust people so easily. I grew up with a single parent so I perhaps learned it from her. She use to always tell me to be careful who I'm friends with so basically I was told from the start people outside my family won't always have my best interest at heart. The question is how do I know? I have to make sure that I don't get too far into my head and remember to focus on how the person acts as she mentioned with the evidence. However, in a world where people are more self-absorbed (not necessarily in bad way), it's been easier for me to be on my own without much push back from anyone.
Other great channels with detailed breakdowns about attachment styles and relationship issues related to attachment styles are: Thais Gibson - Personal Development School | Heidi Priebe | Brianna MacWilliam. It's also helpful to dig into the DMM model of attachment as well, since these styles form as adaptive strategies in infancy and childhood to get our needs met by your caregivers. It's a bit confusing for me to hear this channel say "I'm not going to be talking about trauma" since the Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganized aka Anxious avoidant aka Integrated AC attachment style most often forms specifically out of trauma.
The anxious attachment rings very true to me. I have 3 siblings so I understood from a young age that I wasn't the center of attention. My mom and dad did their absolute best to provide and raise us but they had different childhoods and it affected their individual parenting. My mom grew up in a stable household and we can depend on her emotionally, my dad grew up with divorced parents and an alcoholic mother and he felt short emotionally a lot with us. He really did love us and tried to do everything to make sure we didn't have his childhood but he just lacked some tools. Even though our relationship is growing and getting stronger as we become adults it's still hard to be emotional with him. Because of this I can get so anxious with my boyfriend. Luckily now that we are almost a year in it's settled and I've slowly let go of some of it but it will take time to be fine.
Bro I almost literally the same despite some small differences, I haven’t ever been in a relationship and I wonder what is the best way to heal for this and become secure in my life?
@@jumana1311 The biggest step is to be as self-aware as possible. Really try to figure out the root of the problem and the probem can be different each time a scenario happens. Are you scared of rejection? Did you feel like you weren't being listened to? Once you know why then you can start to focus on changing your reactions. I realized I would get defensive and shut off but then later realize I was in the wrong so I'd force myself to apologize and maybe try to exercise (walk/run) or do something to help process my emotions. The next time the scenario would pop up I'd remind myself to take deep breath and let it happen then reflect again. It takes baby steps and constant repetition. Meditation, focusing on eating more, and stretching really helped me learn to breathe through my anxiety and settle into the moment.
We took our son, 14 months at the time and when we were walking he just left us and started exploring and saying hi to people. He must’ve walked a football field length before he turned around to look up at me and just knew that I’d be right there. I love that’s he’s very secure that we’ll be right where he needs when he needs it.
I'd say he sounds secure of course, but the behaviour you describe is primarily indicative of his own combination of temperament and age (kids go through different stages where they may suddenly become more relaxed/worried about strangers, usually more than one)
As a child I had a secure attachment, my parents are very loving and supportive of me. Throughout my school days I was bullied because I have a disability and I very quickly learnt that outside of my family is not a safe place. I developed social anxiety in my teens and that has been present for most of my adult life so far. So now I definitely have an avoidant attachment style.
Yes, please make a video on attachment as relates to trauma! I believe I started off life securely attached, but my parents' traumatic divorce when I was 7 and all of the turbulence, inconsistencies, and strain after that left me anxiously attached by the time I was a teen and adult. I would love your insight on this.
Heidi Priebe and Thais Gibson have gone really into depth on trauma-related attachment. Other great channels with detailed breakdowns about attachment styles and relationship issues related to attachment styles are: Thais Gibson - Personal Development School | Heidi Priebe | Brianna MacWilliam. It's also helpful to dig into the DMM model of attachment as well, since these styles form as adaptive strategies in infancy and childhood to get our needs met by your caregivers. It's a bit confusing for me to hear this channel say "I'm not going to be talking about trauma" since the Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganized aka Anxious avoidant aka Integrated AC attachment style most often forms specifically out of trauma.
@@AB-rl6kd There is generally a connection between trauma and the Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganized aka Integrated A-C attachment style/strategy. If it applies to you, you'll know it when you hear it.
When my birthmother left and I was adopted, I had anxious attachment/disorganized while growing up. Ever since I have been reunited with my birthmother, I feel like I am healing which is causing me to have a secure attachment. I was adopted at age 7, and reunited with my birthmother at age 18.
I never knew about disorganized attachment but I’m pretty sure I have that. I was so confused on whether I was avoidant or anxious attachment but this explains it all
I would love to see a video on attachment styles in relation to trauma. I think it would help a lot of people. Thank you for taking the time to share so much knowledge and insight!
I have anxious attachment, I’m trying everyday to be less anxious and not jump the gun all the time just because the person that I’m with is not responding to me right away. It’s hard but this video taught me what is my attachment style and where to begin to heal those anxieties and traumas from childhood
I'm an lmft facilitating a parenting support group and I'm using this video to show my group during our discussion today. This is easily the best one available. Thank you
I'm a mental health counselor associate who was looking for a basic, introductory video for my clients that explains attachment styles in a nonjudgmental and easily digestible format. Your video is by far the best one I found. Thanks so much for this resource!
I know this is an old video, but I've never heard of attachment styles until today from this video and I wanted to share that I have proof from my own life that changing attachment style is possible. I definitely grew up in a VERY toxic and abusive household, and definitely had Disorganized Attachment Style, but as an adult who had gone through years of therapy, and just is a person who overall tries to be the opposite of what I came from, my attachment style more resembles Anxious on bad days, and Secure on good days. A lot of this is also thanks to having a good and healthy support system and years of seeing evidence not everyone is abusive like my parents were. Takes time and hard work, but for myself, changing attachment style was definitely possible.
Thank you for this video and such a clear explanation ! I definitely have avoidant attachment. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old and my mom cheated with a physically and emotionally abusive man. My dad is a narcissist and always told me I was just like my mother, he gave his attention to my sister and he never wanted to be a parent. He wanted to party and do drugs. I grew up fast, I became a parent to my siblings. Now I’m moved out, and living with friends. I have a boyfriend, things have been strange lately and I still feel like we don’t truly know each other. I have been alienating myself and have felt lonely from everyone. I want to change.
thanks for sharing♡ sending good vibes your way from texas. hopefully there's someone closeby that can listen & give support. but I'm here, a stranger from youtube, who believes in you & wants to make you smile:)
avoidant attachment style... she literally described my father (I believe I remind him of his mother, who he lost as a young teen) I'm so glad I got into therapy when I did when I was 13 because I have learned so much about myself in the last 12 years
This is really spot on! I was raised by a single mother so with my mom I have a secure attachment. With my dad I have an avoidance attachment that has definitely shaped pretty much all male relationships in my life and not just with my significant others but also with other male family members.
Honestly, I brokedown immediately. This vid made me realize that I have everything but secure attachment due to trauma beginning from 4 years of age and up that I can't form proper relationships with anyone.
This has brought a lot of clarity to my understanding with how I view relationships! I definitely have a mix of disorganized attachment and avoidant attachment style. When I feel threatened in any way, I tend to move away from a situation that can end up making me distant to some friends. For the most part I let my needs get unmet bc whenever I tried having my needs met, I was instead faced with a form of danger.
Steph - I saw your "movie relationship breakdowns" for GQ, and had to go hunting for you - I thought your analysis was fantastic! I'm a fan- and I've subscribed. I'll be watching future vids, for sure. Thanks for sharing content! :)
I’d say my attachment style definitely formed from trauma. My first relationship was very unstable. They broke up with me multiple times, and they would disappear for days. They’re mood changed pretty greatly day to day, hour to hour. Whenever I would interact with them, I never knew which side I’d get. One moment they’d tell me sappy phrases and be overly sweet, the next they’d be angry and threatening. This put me on edge the entirety of our relationship. and this instability led me to form toxic traits and an unhealthy attachment style, which became prevalent in that relationship. I became very very clingy, I guilt-tripped them into staying with me many times. I did whatever I could to please them, I was so afraid they’d get angry and leave again. Whenever I checked my phone I’d leave them on read for hours, I was too anxious to talk to them out of fear something bad will happen. I purposely avoided any problem In our relationship so we wouldn’t argue. Our relationship ended with them ghosting me, and I haven’t been in contact with them since. This anxiety and being constantly hurting on edge effected my other relationship I was in quite a lot. Now, I found out that my crush has mutual feelings for me. But I’m scared to form a relationship with them. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to be with them, but I know I’m not ready. I haven’t fixed my unhealthy habits, and still haven’t gotten over my first relationship completely. I’m scared my trauma would affect our relationship negatively. I don’t know how to change my attachment style either
As My POV, Dear I think your attachment style is not any issue to other one, They are the sessile and sterile traits that we need to activate or unhealthy habits which are repellent to another one, *Change for good* As I am Experiencing the Same thing I honestly want you to make sure that If you are honest and gifted one to Yourself, You will be Gifted to the Whole World around you... If You wanna invest your part to someone for life, try to understand their genuine demand of being a person, if they are having same vibe, Then Invest your best part according to the priorities of each other, and have patience for good. Person front of you might be also going through the same always Remember that. Initial approach should be Rational, Rest will Follow by the nature you have, attachment style, expressive facets you have by nature. Just My POV.🤞🏻
attachment type can totally change, from what you said, I'm p sure I had a secure attachment style when younger but since the last 10 years or so I'm completely leaning toward the avoidant style
I stumbled upon your LIB videos just a few days ago and have loved your takes and "diagnoses" on everyone. In the middle of watching perhaps my 20th in a row, something clicked in my brain and I decided to watch your attachment styles video and do some more research on it. I have a therapist but somehow we never got to the root of some of the issues I had while we were working on others, and thanks to your videos I've finally been able to identify why I act certain ways in relationships and friendships, and now I have a starting point for fixing them. I'm sitting at my desk crying with relief that I finally have some explanation, and a way forward. Thank you so much for your content
I know my attachment style but I have no clue how I was raised or what I’d consider the relationship with my parents was or still is. Parents were always there physically but emotionally I’d say only my mom was there for me but at the same time criticized or invalidate my emotions sometimes because it’s just not our culture but when it’s really important she’s listen. But where she lacked, my friends were there and that’s even where I learned to express my love and appreciate for people in every way. I’d then bring that home to my parents and give them hugs and kisses and tell them I love and appreciate them. I think my problem comes in when one of the friends that helped me open up just one day said she needed space but saying that only resulted in us talking a few times each year and I still feel broken from that and it’s been two years. So now I feel like I want to love someone because I have all this love to give but then I’m terrified it won’t work out.
This is wonderful! Thank you for a concise and clear description of the attachment styles; I plan to share this with my men's group. I work at an outpatient chemical dependency/mental health treatment center and I know my clients will benefit from this.
Ahh! I love how you broke this down for me! This tells me so much about my childhood, my children, and the relationships I have. I cant wait to be an MFT. I will definitely keep your videos so close to my studies. I love this!
Also, is it possible that someone could have them all, or does that just throw them into the disorganized category? I dont really know how to come back and check these comments. LOL but ill try. I would love to be able to follow you elsewhere.
@@StephAnya Great video! Anxious attachment style is definitely my style. What methods have you used in past to help you cope? I so desperately want to move on to the secure attachment style.
I have a very secure attachment style to friends and family but boy oh boy… with romance? I am anxious and avoidant. I am scared to death of falling in love and being hurt because of my first relationship that was emotionally and somewhat physically abusive. I am still trying to confront my terrible anxiety and panic through therapy, dating and educating myself through books, videos and conversation. But I can’t seem to shake that fear and it hasn’t seemed to lessen. I hope I heal fully and feel confident in my romantic life again. Thanks for the video. ❤️💕✨
Im 100% anxious attachment. However the disorganized attachment is more accurate with how I grew up, but I even as a kid I know I never wanted to inflict that level of pain and hurt on to others..
Wow. I've seen more than a handful of videos on this topic and I'm glad I went ahead and watched this one. The examples of what it would look like as a child vs adult really clicked for me. Especially the disorganized attachment style 🤯 I totally get it now. Thank you!
I found each attachment style description informative and relatable, and then when you got to disorganized attachment, I started bawling out of nowhere. Guess we have a winner! Haha
Thanx Steph... This has helped me greatly in my quest to understand myself... my attachment style is Avoidant attachment. I guess its related to CEN...
As a working parent I’d love to know how to navigate through daycare/babysitters. As you mentioned, you as parent can provide a secured attachment but an outsider can break that. Also, trauma later in life can change someone’s attachment style. More details on how to identify and restore that style would be great. I’d love to be able to identify when/if my children’s attachment style gets affected by an outside force.
Same. I gave birth 7 months before the pandemic. Was home and my child had just me and gramma as her world. Now I'm working. And her father is around but inconsistently. As I work to learn my own attachment style and ways of being to better myself I find myself more concerned about how my past and present impacts my child. I just want to do right by her. So far, it seems like for my self, I am not just one attachment style. And for my child, her scenarios also overlap different examples. I don't feel like there is one formula that fits.
disorganized attachment for sure. my parents werent physically abusive but their go-to phrase was "want me to give you something to cry for?" Taught me that crying is unacceptable and something to be embarrassed about, but also that i couldnt come to them when i needed help and being vulnerable with others is probably not the best idea. it brewed something nasty in my teenage years that i still havent really worked out yet as im weeks away from my 21st
This is a great video explaining all the attachments, usually it's the first 3 the ones that are mentioned and the last one ends up being pushed aside (in some instances) and it made me question if it is possible to have different attachment styles to different people?, like: disorganized attached to one caregiver and avoidant with the other.
When I think of me and my older sister, we have different attachment styles even though we grew up in the same house. I definitely have an anxious attachment style and she has an avoidant attachment. I wonder that even though we had the same parents, our difference in attachment styles is just a difference in personality or in how we deal with inconsistent parenting.
I was thinking the same! I have 3 siblings and we all have different attachment styles. My parents separated when we were children too, so I guess that might have played a role depending upon our relative ages at the time.
It could be due to birth order, the relationship between your parents when she was the only child could have been different to when you were born. Things happened before you were born that you don’t know about.
Not to mention one sibling watches the other's mistreatment and may choose a different approach to getting their needs met. That's what happened with my Dad and his brother. It's neither of y'alls fault. Just different survival strategies.
It's always unreal listening or reading diagnosis, to hear it and to think about moments that shaped you to today... I'm disorganized attachment and this made me really sad hearing this because this is the first time I've heard it explained this way, or maybe the way I shaped things to my therapist she didn't want to trigger anything worse at the moment, could have been I blanked out some of those conversations. Thank you ❣
Hi great video. Can you shed some light on how the various attachment styles would interact in a marriage relationship. Which styles are better matches and which are not. Also how to deal with and help a lying spouse.
I used to be married to a dismissive avoidant. It can be very painful to deal with her because she would shut down and shut me out. I remember noticing her mother dealt with things the same way. She lost her dad at an early age and suffered sexual abuse by a man who became and police officer while in college. She tried to pretend like it really didn't affect her but our love life was a disaster. Intimacy was a huge issue. It took a lot of therapy after the separation... I learned a lot. I've never heard of that last attachment style till now but it also helps connect the dots. Thank you
Thank you for this video! I found it to be very thorough and helpful especially when you spoke about “observations” about behavior!! Trying to do the work to becoming a better me and this is really helpful!
This is such great information. I feel like I’m somewhat secure attachment and anxious attachment because my mom always provides for me if it’s school, clothes, food etc. But I’m the other hand she’s not that affectionate, she probably stopped being affectionate around the age of 8. We just aren’t affectionate towards each other till this day, I don’t even give her hugs unless it’s Mother’s day and even then it feels weird for us. And with the words I love you, we don’t even say it to each other. With anxious attachment I assume maybe my mom couldn’t spend a whole lot of time with me considering she had me at 18 and was still in school and working without much of my dads help but I’ve just always been so anxious and scared of everything since I can remember. I always think someone is judging me or I couldn’t make friends or talk to people again till this day, and im going to be 21 next month. I’m slowing getting better with talking to people and taking baby steps but it’s actually crazy to think how your kids will turn out based on everything you do with them starting at a young age.
Yep... love that notion of being friends and connecting well with my mom and simultaneously being constantly anxious around her when she is stressed, because she hasn't worked with her autism or her trauma, so she has no recognition of how her lack of social cues and improper reaction patterns impact others such as my siblings.
I was certain I was the avoidant until I heard the disorganized. I am definitely disorganized with a splash of avoidant. Not to get into every little detail, but my parents were there. But. The relationship between my parents? I would wonder, as a kid, WHEN my mom would find a better husband (they're still married). Nothing physical, just we all knew that my dad would say one thing, get angry, and my mom would never, ever EVER say anything. I got chased out of the house by him once for something my sister said and the only time my mom said anything in the moment was when he was catching his breath and having chest pain, and that was her very weakly asking him to stop. We all knew she didn't agree with him 90% of the time because when he'd leave the dinner table, she'd say something to us, or during dinner, she'd try to change the subject without acknowledging anything that was just said. This was always at dinner time where we couldn't have any background noise and to this day, quiet dinners stress me out so, so much. Not me or my siblings, all adults (I'm in the middle at 34), have a healthy relationship. No kids. I had a conversation with my little sister about how I don't think any of us will ever be in a healthy relationship because of how we grew up, and she agreed. Even looking at our cousins and stuff, while they're getting engaged and stuff, I'm just like here seeing most of them have something awful going down and I'm like, "Glad I'm not in any form of that," but at the same time, I am clueless on what normal is. I try not to blame my mom too much for her decisions because she both grew up in an abusive household and is disabled. She 100% feels like she can't do anything else. Sorry, this was a bit longer than I originally meant.
its ok if its a bit long; it means you are sharing something personal, which is brave of you considering the internet. I completely disagree with you on this point though- "I don't think any of us will ever be in a healthy relationship"- I think you can be! You're so scared of an unhealthy relationship you might have, you're missing out of a (wonderful) healthy relationship you can have 🥰. As she said, work on your trust issues but also (I recommend) learn what love is and is not, because in that way you can both heal from your childhood without excusing what your parents did as ok. Jesus is love 💖 and He can heal anything 💕 God bless you ✨
This was so fascinating. Sorry to vent on your video but liiiiike... I feel like I have a combo of somewhere between anxious & avoidant, with a touch of disorganized. In many ways, my parents were loving and made time to play with me and take me out on adventures. However I have a LOT of memories of being ignored, especially in my youngest years, because my parents were not prepared to have a kid and largely kept their social life of partying the same. I remember so much of being ditched once arriving at a friend of my parents' house, and just playing with dogs because their friends didn't have kids. They'd let me "cry it out" and ignore me if they felt done with me, (I have a core memory of my dad faking calling up an adoption agency because he thought I was being bad--he denies this lol) and they were often late to pick me up from school and were largely uninvolved with my school life. So, while I still honestly think of my parents as my best friends, I do not trust them, and I can see how that shapes my connections with other people. That being, I do often get anxious when someone doesn't text back, but I also give everyone the cold shoulder and wait to text back as well. I tend to push everyone away and feel this intense need to be completely self sufficient, and therefore I now live alone and don't really have any friends because I do not initiate, nor keep up contact for fear of rejection. ADHD that runs in my family also plays into that, and I think part of my parents ignoring me really came down to just forgetting I exist. Anyways, great video!! It is so healing and fascinating to hear how things can be broken down and traced back. Thank you for sharing.
I'm a fearful avoidant attachment style and what's so crazy is that I was listening to Marvin's Room by Jojo the other day and she said, "Yeah that's right I'm dancing and something cool is in my cup." I was saying, "Yeah, you're never gonna see me phased after a breakup. I'm going to the club, I'm taking trips. You're never gonna see me in my feelings over you." So it was so crazy when you said people with avoidant attachment will never let other people see them in their feelings.
It’s really hard trying to relearn while already having kids… I find that intimacy, being touched a lot makes me feel a way but I’m aware of it and I am trying to change bc my daughter is like how I was but it’s so hard bc of learned behavior but I am truly taking it day by day and talk about it with her and keep communication open
Do a video in disorganized attachment, that would be really interesting, since it's not something regularly talked about, I always read about the other three. Question: can these attachments be mixed or intertwined somehow?
Thank you for this informative video.. I believe I have disorganised attachment and honestly I'm afraid of getting into any relationship or having kids cause might hurt them like I was. However, I also believe anything learned can also be unlearned. Healing takes time though.
Wow this was so interesting to learn about. I had gone from unorganized to avoidant throughout childhood. What do you think are some ways some of the different types can cope, grow and help them learn towards a more positive/healthier attachment style? (Not including therapy)
Thank you, this is a great video! Do you have any more videos on the disorganized attachment style, and also generally on how trauma informs our attachments style(s)? If not I would be very interested in videos on those topics! Imma go look for them right now! 😊
This is interesting. I have a secure attachment style, but I grew up in a volatile household where my parents were excellent providers, but the source of my trauma. My dad was very aggressive and yelled most of time,but mom was emotionally unavailable and did not show affection to anyone.
I remember learning about this in my Abnormal Psych class!
The Professor broke this down in terms of a children's approach to a new playground:
1.) Secure attachment: the child will run off to the playground knowing they will be safe and taken care of by the caregiver
2.) Anxious attachment: the child will approach the playground with caution and will keep looking back for fear of abandonment
3.) Avoidant attachment: the child will play regardless of the caregiver being present because they have learned to rely on themselves
4.)Disorganized attachment: the child is unsure of how to meet their own needs and will hesitate to play. At times they will remain stagnant in their decision making (this particular style was hard to pinpoint and we also identified this as a "wild card")
Love this breakdown!
I have disorganized attachment
I’m number 3.
I’ve changed a lot in my attachment since being married I went from anxious to disorganized then secure. My partner was made for me is all I can say. He probably doesn’t know this yet but I’ve learnt a-lot being married to him and grew a lot emotionally.
@@dietzdigitalpro8030 What type of attachment do you give to someone who follows everywhere(my husband follows me everywhere eg.restaurant,drive our car)
Really emotional watching this. I was abused by my mother as a child…. disorganised attachment style. I have an 8 month old baby girl and she is so happy and content. She is confident and turns to see if I am watching her doing something new, she squeaks with excitement when she sees me. She is the light of our lives and she will only know love and healthy boundaries. I pray we teach her to be kind too so she can be happy and have friends. Thank you for saying we can change if we are aware
we are so proud of you❤️
She is going to grow, knowing she can be secure in the boundless love you have for her. Good job, momma.
I wish the best to you and your family. Don't forget to mention it's ok not to be kind too when the price is our own well-being.
I’m so sorry to hear this, do you mind clarifying if it was sexual abuse, emotional or physical abuse (spanking to be exact)
@@Dandydiddy it was physical, lots of beatings and also emotional… I was told that I was the reason my mother was unhappy and that one day I would wake up and she would be gone. That she hated us. I always felt that I was bad. That it was all my fault. But I now know that she was in terrible pain and that I wasn’t responsible for any of it. The resilience of the human spirit is unbelievable x
I am evidence that you can absolutely change your attachment style! I was pretty severely neglected as a child, which resulted in an avoidant attachment style all the way through my late 20s. Through a combination of self-awareness, therapy, and a relationship with a partner with a very secure attachment style, I was able to shift into a more secure attachment style.
I am so happy to read someone else is working through things and making it on the other side 🥰
Congratulations, my dear! 🤗
This is inspiring, thank you. 💛
You are still avoidant but are better at managing it
That's really good to know
beautiful
You would make a great professor. Your explanations were so clear and engaging!
Wow, thank you!
I definitely agree. I have ADHD so focus is hard for me. I stayed interested the entire time.
I agree that you can change your attachment by reparenting yourself.
I'm a therapist also (LCPC), and compliments to you for explaining this so well. I will be giving your link to many of my clients. Fantastic job !!!
Thank you so much!
Same!
I feel like i’m somewhere between secure attachment and avoidant attachment. my parents have always been there for me, making me feel safe and, most of the times, understood. however, i used to go out of home and expect my others relationships to be like they were with my family. that, of course, not always happened and some bad experiences with people outside my family made me avoid sharing my feelings so i won’t get hurt. 🤷🏽♀️ great video!!!!sending love and support from Brazil🇧🇷❤️
Thank you for sharing! It’s definitely possible to be a blend.
Yeah I get this dude, I feel like more of the same since I grew up a lot in a loving secure family but somewhere along the way I just started hiding my feelings and holding them in because I didn't want people to start treating me differently and I didn't want to deal with everything like that and just all the stress and confrontation
This is me too! I’m very independent, but now I start to know that my trauma and family that they’ve a huge influence on my approach to making friends and be consistent. Also the years of heavy bullying did not work on my mental health. Been in therapy so often since my 18th, but only now at 29 I have a therapist who addresses these things and I’m shocked that all my previous therapist would never have worked with this information. I realized that my verbally abusive father, and physical abusive to my siblings it imprinted a behavioral pattern in me. By avoiding things out of fear of being told off. Not saying it was all bad, but it’s the fine line of emotional support that I’ve been lacking and yearning for. But accepting my parents will never change in that behavior and I won’t be able to go to them when I’m emotionally in distress as they would and still will say that we should get over it, not complain, not cry, just pretend it’s okay,or it’s my fault I’m in the predicament and should have not been so risky with my decisions (all things I’ve hear in my childhood, teenage stage, and in my adulthood). I love them, but having to cut them mentally out of my live by not expecting them to change took months, still working on it, and in the beginning I cried a lot (especially during therapy sessions). I still fear I will never be able to have a serious relationship (a me too story that happen when I was young), the trauma from home, and the bullying, made me weak, insecure, and I’ve been pretending to be ok for so long.I’m okay now, it feels different from all the other times I was okay, because I’m working towards not blocking my emotions, my instinct, my avoidance behavior, but it’s scary as my old behavior often is back without realizing but I do notice it later on I avoided an argument. I trigger myself to change these patterns. I try to follow my own advice I would give to my friends, I listen to my own advice, I say NO when I’m uncomfortable or don’t feel like I could do them a favor or when I want to leave earlier then the rest I actually am doing that now (had huge FOMO and it never made me happy because I would stay even though I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore). But most importantly, I am able to make crazy decisions without have to get acceptance from my parents, as I always needed their approval. I hope I get their, as all the changes make me incredibly emotional as all walls are breaking down, I always tried to please others, be the best at everything, but I was never better/okay vs the others. Forever comparing, right now I’m more often on the I am okay scale and you are okay too, you can think what you want but I think what I want spectrum. To not be bothered what the other person did better or worse. This last one is still one of my biggest challenges. But knowing and recognizing I do those things without realizing is so cool, to be able to notice the signs and change your mindset and not be bothered, worried, anxious, to just be happy with your own being. Truly never understood that feeling until this life year. Took me a long time to realize, but if I am ever brave enough to be able to be in a close relationship will take me some time more. I stopped dating, as I would only go for those that were nice, cute, pretty, but i knew I didn’t care, and if I did fall in love I’d push the away out of huge fear. Such big fear that I’d often freez in totality, at those moments I’d get into panic and broke it off by never contacting them again. I know awful, but I feared myself most of all as when my fear arose and I started to freez the feeling inside was as bad as wanting to hurt the other person, which I never did but know I’d be capable off. I mean my father did so too, I get angry quickly towards my family, and frustrated too. I know this is part of not having learned how to deal with my emotions when we are in stress or when we are upset. But yeah, both my parents have never been able to cope with those things either, nor have they thought us. I dunno, small steps, includes being honest towards my friend and partners especially when the behavior arises. I know now that I cannot expect everyone to already know what I’m thinking, what I want to do, or that I cannot do everything I want to do as it simply doesn’t work like that. I’ve been in denial for so long, I’ve been stubborn, but mostly broken and I’m trying the mend this part of me again. Coming Monday I got therapy again, and kinda terrified for it. Because were going to talk about exactly this, relationships. That topic I am always avoiding because of fear, and that fear had many many layers. Hope you are okay too, it’s a year later now, but I hope you have also learned to slowly trust people again and open up again, which will make you vulnerable, but it’ll be wort it for sure. Normally this would have been my mental health diary entry, but I’ve written it near now and feels kinda good. 😊 If you are still reading this, have a wonderful day, thank you 🙏 for reading, and know that you are allowed to not be happy about certain situations, that you can speak up, to you are perfectly fine and the others can do whatever they want to do but you are you and that’s enough! ❤️
This! I'm comfortable within my family but outside of them, I don't trust people so easily. I grew up with a single parent so I perhaps learned it from her. She use to always tell me to be careful who I'm friends with so basically I was told from the start people outside my family won't always have my best interest at heart. The question is how do I know? I have to make sure that I don't get too far into my head and remember to focus on how the person acts as she mentioned with the evidence. However, in a world where people are more self-absorbed (not necessarily in bad way), it's been easier for me to be on my own without much push back from anyone.
Other great channels with detailed breakdowns about attachment styles and relationship issues related to attachment styles are: Thais Gibson - Personal Development School | Heidi Priebe | Brianna MacWilliam. It's also helpful to dig into the DMM model of attachment as well, since these styles form as adaptive strategies in infancy and childhood to get our needs met by your caregivers. It's a bit confusing for me to hear this channel say "I'm not going to be talking about trauma" since the Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganized aka Anxious avoidant aka Integrated AC attachment style most often forms specifically out of trauma.
The anxious attachment rings very true to me. I have 3 siblings so I understood from a young age that I wasn't the center of attention. My mom and dad did their absolute best to provide and raise us but they had different childhoods and it affected their individual parenting. My mom grew up in a stable household and we can depend on her emotionally, my dad grew up with divorced parents and an alcoholic mother and he felt short emotionally a lot with us. He really did love us and tried to do everything to make sure we didn't have his childhood but he just lacked some tools. Even though our relationship is growing and getting stronger as we become adults it's still hard to be emotional with him. Because of this I can get so anxious with my boyfriend. Luckily now that we are almost a year in it's settled and I've slowly let go of some of it but it will take time to be fine.
Make sure you did not try to bury those feeling but really got rid of it because it can also come back if you get triggered .
Bro I almost literally the same despite some small differences, I haven’t ever been in a relationship and I wonder what is the best way to heal for this and become secure in my life?
@@jumana1311 The biggest step is to be as self-aware as possible. Really try to figure out the root of the problem and the probem can be different each time a scenario happens. Are you scared of rejection? Did you feel like you weren't being listened to? Once you know why then you can start to focus on changing your reactions. I realized I would get defensive and shut off but then later realize I was in the wrong so I'd force myself to apologize and maybe try to exercise (walk/run) or do something to help process my emotions. The next time the scenario would pop up I'd remind myself to take deep breath and let it happen then reflect again. It takes baby steps and constant repetition. Meditation, focusing on eating more, and stretching really helped me learn to breathe through my anxiety and settle into the moment.
@@Cece9090 thank you I think it will make sense once I am in a relationship but for now I can’t understand how will it apply
We took our son, 14 months at the time and when we were walking he just left us and started exploring and saying hi to people. He must’ve walked a football field length before he turned around to look up at me and just knew that I’d be right there. I love that’s he’s very secure that we’ll be right where he needs when he needs it.
I'd say he sounds secure of course, but the behaviour you describe is primarily indicative of his own combination of temperament and age (kids go through different stages where they may suddenly become more relaxed/worried about strangers, usually more than one)
As a child I had a secure attachment, my parents are very loving and supportive of me. Throughout my school days I was bullied because I have a disability and I very quickly learnt that outside of my family is not a safe place. I developed social anxiety in my teens and that has been present for most of my adult life so far. So now I definitely have an avoidant attachment style.
As a BIPOC therapist, I'm so glad I found your channel. Will be using this video to teach my clients and interns. Thank you
I would love to know more about the anxiety attachment style and how to get out of those negative actions
Yes, please make a video on attachment as relates to trauma! I believe I started off life securely attached, but my parents' traumatic divorce when I was 7 and all of the turbulence, inconsistencies, and strain after that left me anxiously attached by the time I was a teen and adult. I would love your insight on this.
So would I because I feel I was secure also until alot of adult trauma which made me have disorganized attachment.
Heidi Priebe and Thais Gibson have gone really into depth on trauma-related attachment. Other great channels with detailed breakdowns about attachment styles and relationship issues related to attachment styles are: Thais Gibson - Personal Development School | Heidi Priebe | Brianna MacWilliam. It's also helpful to dig into the DMM model of attachment as well, since these styles form as adaptive strategies in infancy and childhood to get our needs met by your caregivers. It's a bit confusing for me to hear this channel say "I'm not going to be talking about trauma" since the Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganized aka Anxious avoidant aka Integrated AC attachment style most often forms specifically out of trauma.
@@howtosober thank you for this information! I am going to check these resources out.
@@AB-rl6kd You're welcome, I hope it helps you as it did me. ;)
@@AB-rl6kd There is generally a connection between trauma and the Fearful Avoidant aka Disorganized aka Integrated A-C attachment style/strategy. If it applies to you, you'll know it when you hear it.
When my birthmother left and I was adopted, I had anxious attachment/disorganized while growing up. Ever since I have been reunited with my birthmother, I feel like I am healing which is causing me to have a secure attachment. I was adopted at age 7, and reunited with my birthmother at age 18.
This warms my heart. Thank you for sharing your story ♥️
I never knew about disorganized attachment but I’m pretty sure I have that. I was so confused on whether I was avoidant or anxious attachment but this explains it all
I would love to see a video on attachment styles in relation to trauma. I think it would help a lot of people. Thank you for taking the time to share so much knowledge and insight!
I have anxious attachment, I’m trying everyday to be less anxious and not jump the gun all the time just because the person that I’m with is not responding to me right away. It’s hard but this video taught me what is my attachment style and where to begin to heal those anxieties and traumas from childhood
I'm an lmft facilitating a parenting support group and I'm using this video to show my group during our discussion today. This is easily the best one available. Thank you
I'm a mental health counselor associate who was looking for a basic, introductory video for my clients that explains attachment styles in a nonjudgmental and easily digestible format. Your video is by far the best one I found. Thanks so much for this resource!
I’m so glad!
I know this is an old video, but I've never heard of attachment styles until today from this video and I wanted to share that I have proof from my own life that changing attachment style is possible. I definitely grew up in a VERY toxic and abusive household, and definitely had Disorganized Attachment Style, but as an adult who had gone through years of therapy, and just is a person who overall tries to be the opposite of what I came from, my attachment style more resembles Anxious on bad days, and Secure on good days. A lot of this is also thanks to having a good and healthy support system and years of seeing evidence not everyone is abusive like my parents were. Takes time and hard work, but for myself, changing attachment style was definitely possible.
Thank you for this video and such a clear explanation ! I definitely have avoidant attachment. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old and my mom cheated with a physically and emotionally abusive man. My dad is a narcissist and always told me I was just like my mother, he gave his attention to my sister and he never wanted to be a parent. He wanted to party and do drugs. I grew up fast, I became a parent to my siblings. Now I’m moved out, and living with friends. I have a boyfriend, things have been strange lately and I still feel like we don’t truly know each other. I have been alienating myself and have felt lonely from everyone. I want to change.
thanks for sharing♡
sending good vibes your way from texas. hopefully there's someone closeby that can listen & give support. but I'm here, a stranger from youtube, who believes in you & wants to make you smile:)
avoidant attachment style... she literally described my father (I believe I remind him of his mother, who he lost as a young teen)
I'm so glad I got into therapy when I did when I was 13 because I have learned so much about myself in the last 12 years
This is really spot on! I was raised by a single mother so with my mom I have a secure attachment. With my dad I have an avoidance attachment that has definitely shaped pretty much all male relationships in my life and not just with my significant others but also with other male family members.
Topic: how to deal (in a healthy way) with relationships with a partner that has an opposite attachment style to yours?
Honestly, I brokedown immediately. This vid made me realize that I have everything but secure attachment due to trauma beginning from 4 years of age and up that I can't form proper relationships with anyone.
This has brought a lot of clarity to my understanding with how I view relationships! I definitely have a mix of disorganized attachment and avoidant attachment style. When I feel threatened in any way, I tend to move away from a situation that can end up making me distant to some friends. For the most part I let my needs get unmet bc whenever I tried having my needs met, I was instead faced with a form of danger.
Steph - I saw your "movie relationship breakdowns" for GQ, and had to go hunting for you - I thought your analysis was fantastic!
I'm a fan- and I've subscribed. I'll be watching future vids, for sure. Thanks for sharing content! :)
I’d say my attachment style definitely formed from trauma. My first relationship was very unstable. They broke up with me multiple times, and they would disappear for days. They’re mood changed pretty greatly day to day, hour to hour. Whenever I would interact with them, I never knew which side I’d get. One moment they’d tell me sappy phrases and be overly sweet, the next they’d be angry and threatening. This put me on edge the entirety of our relationship. and this instability led me to form toxic traits and an unhealthy attachment style, which became prevalent in that relationship. I became very very clingy, I guilt-tripped them into staying with me many times. I did whatever I could to please them, I was so afraid they’d get angry and leave again. Whenever I checked my phone I’d leave them on read for hours, I was too anxious to talk to them out of fear something bad will happen. I purposely avoided any problem In our relationship so we wouldn’t argue. Our relationship ended with them ghosting me, and I haven’t been in contact with them since. This anxiety and being constantly hurting on edge effected my other relationship I was in quite a lot. Now, I found out that my crush has mutual feelings for me. But I’m scared to form a relationship with them. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to be with them, but I know I’m not ready. I haven’t fixed my unhealthy habits, and still haven’t gotten over my first relationship completely. I’m scared my trauma would affect our relationship negatively. I don’t know how to change my attachment style either
As My POV, Dear I think your attachment style is not any issue to other one, They are the sessile and sterile traits that we need to activate or unhealthy habits which are repellent to another one, *Change for good* As I am Experiencing the Same thing I honestly want you to make sure that If you are honest and gifted one to Yourself, You will be Gifted to the Whole World around you... If You wanna invest your part to someone for life, try to understand their genuine demand of being a person, if they are having same vibe, Then Invest your best part according to the priorities of each other, and have patience for good. Person front of you might be also going through the same always Remember that. Initial approach should be Rational, Rest will Follow by the nature you have, attachment style, expressive facets you have by nature. Just My POV.🤞🏻
Get into therapy
Journaling and God
And realizing it was never you ! It was their personal trauma projecting
I'm def an anxious detached! I see this in my relationships and I'm working to better myself.
attachment type can totally change, from what you said, I'm p sure I had a secure attachment style when younger but since the last 10 years or so I'm completely leaning toward the avoidant style
I stumbled upon your LIB videos just a few days ago and have loved your takes and "diagnoses" on everyone. In the middle of watching perhaps my 20th in a row, something clicked in my brain and I decided to watch your attachment styles video and do some more research on it. I have a therapist but somehow we never got to the root of some of the issues I had while we were working on others, and thanks to your videos I've finally been able to identify why I act certain ways in relationships and friendships, and now I have a starting point for fixing them. I'm sitting at my desk crying with relief that I finally have some explanation, and a way forward. Thank you so much for your content
Thanks for this message I believe I’m the avoidant attachment style and I’ve really been working on changing that and working on becoming vulnerable
Your conciseness and elegant articulation is commendable. Thank you for your efforts
Not me having every one except the good one 😂😭😂😭
I know my attachment style but I have no clue how I was raised or what I’d consider the relationship with my parents was or still is. Parents were always there physically but emotionally I’d say only my mom was there for me but at the same time criticized or invalidate my emotions sometimes because it’s just not our culture but when it’s really important she’s listen.
But where she lacked, my friends were there and that’s even where I learned to express my love and appreciate for people in every way. I’d then bring that home to my parents and give them hugs and kisses and tell them I love and appreciate them.
I think my problem comes in when one of the friends that helped me open up just one day said she needed space but saying that only resulted in us talking a few times each year and I still feel broken from that and it’s been two years. So now I feel like I want to love someone because I have all this love to give but then I’m terrified it won’t work out.
wow I WISH every therapist was as knowledgeable and awesome as you!
How sweet. Thank you!
This is wonderful! Thank you for a concise and clear description of the attachment styles; I plan to share this with my men's group. I work at an outpatient chemical dependency/mental health treatment center and I know my clients will benefit from this.
This was so well explained! Thank you for your clarity and examples.
Ahh! I love how you broke this down for me! This tells me so much about my childhood, my children, and the relationships I have. I cant wait to be an MFT. I will definitely keep your videos so close to my studies. I love this!
Also, is it possible that someone could have them all, or does that just throw them into the disorganized category? I dont really know how to come back and check these comments. LOL but ill try. I would love to be able to follow you elsewhere.
I feel that I have a secure attachment. Great video!
Yes you do. I think I tend more toward Anxious Attachment.
@@StephAnya Great video! Anxious attachment style is definitely my style. What methods have you used in past to help you cope? I so desperately want to move on to the secure attachment style.
I have a very secure attachment style to friends and family but boy oh boy… with romance? I am anxious and avoidant. I am scared to death of falling in love and being hurt because of my first relationship that was emotionally and somewhat physically abusive. I am still trying to confront my terrible anxiety and panic through therapy, dating and educating myself through books, videos and conversation. But I can’t seem to shake that fear and it hasn’t seemed to lessen. I hope I heal fully and feel confident in my romantic life again. Thanks for the video. ❤️💕✨
Im 100% anxious attachment.
However the disorganized attachment is more accurate with how I grew up, but I even as a kid I know I never wanted to inflict that level of pain and hurt on to others..
Got a big cry in this morning & learned a lot. Thank you 💙
Wow. I've seen more than a handful of videos on this topic and I'm glad I went ahead and watched this one. The examples of what it would look like as a child vs adult really clicked for me. Especially the disorganized attachment style 🤯 I totally get it now. Thank you!
This information within this edition is as dense as it is fascinating!
I found each attachment style description informative and relatable, and then when you got to disorganized attachment, I started bawling out of nowhere. Guess we have a winner! Haha
As a future psychologist, this offered an insightful piece of background information for my discussion post !
Phenomenal remarks on your part!
Thanx Steph... This has helped me greatly in my quest to understand myself... my attachment style is Avoidant attachment. I guess its related to CEN...
I’ve watched video after video and this is the clearest explanation to me. Thank you
Thanks for this video! It was very helpful! Also the music in the background was so good!
As a working parent I’d love to know how to navigate through daycare/babysitters. As you mentioned, you as parent can provide a secured attachment but an outsider can break that. Also, trauma later in life can change someone’s attachment style. More details on how to identify and restore that style would be great. I’d love to be able to identify when/if my children’s attachment style gets affected by an outside force.
Same. I gave birth 7 months before the pandemic. Was home and my child had just me and gramma as her world. Now I'm working. And her father is around but inconsistently. As I work to learn my own attachment style and ways of being to better myself I find myself more concerned about how my past and present impacts my child. I just want to do right by her.
So far, it seems like for my self, I am not just one attachment style. And for my child, her scenarios also overlap different examples. I don't feel like there is one formula that fits.
disorganized attachment for sure. my parents werent physically abusive but their go-to phrase was "want me to give you something to cry for?" Taught me that crying is unacceptable and something to be embarrassed about, but also that i couldnt come to them when i needed help and being vulnerable with others is probably not the best idea. it brewed something nasty in my teenage years that i still havent really worked out yet as im weeks away from my 21st
Wow! I believe I got the avoidant attachment from my childhood (mother) but now as an adult I think I have anxious attachment. Super insightful
This is a great video explaining all the attachments, usually it's the first 3 the ones that are mentioned and the last one ends up being pushed aside (in some instances) and it made me question if it is possible to have different attachment styles to different people?, like: disorganized attached to one caregiver and avoidant with the other.
When I think of me and my older sister, we have different attachment styles even though we grew up in the same house. I definitely have an anxious attachment style and she has an avoidant attachment. I wonder that even though we had the same parents, our difference in attachment styles is just a difference in personality or in how we deal with inconsistent parenting.
I was thinking the same! I have 3 siblings and we all have different attachment styles. My parents separated when we were children too, so I guess that might have played a role depending upon our relative ages at the time.
It could be due to birth order, the relationship between your parents when she was the only child could have been different to when you were born. Things happened before you were born that you don’t know about.
Not to mention one sibling watches the other's mistreatment and may choose a different approach to getting their needs met. That's what happened with my Dad and his brother. It's neither of y'alls fault. Just different survival strategies.
That last one kind of got me. 🤔 Thanks for sharing this!
You explain things so well that I’d rather listen to you than search online lol
Love this channel
It's always unreal listening or reading diagnosis, to hear it and to think about moments that shaped you to today... I'm disorganized attachment and this made me really sad hearing this because this is the first time I've heard it explained this way, or maybe the way I shaped things to my therapist she didn't want to trigger anything worse at the moment, could have been I blanked out some of those conversations.
Thank you ❣
The amount of times I’ve watched this video at a go is questionable 😂😂😂
Thank you for the simple yet informative video
Haha I’m so glad you find it helpful enough to watch it multiple times ♥️
I would say avoid attachment & anxious attachment. But I was probably relate more with avoid attachment. The way you describe it 👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽
I've seen many attachment style videos but none of them were as clear as this one great content you nice keep going💜 thank you❤️
Hi great video. Can you shed some light on how the various attachment styles would interact in a marriage relationship. Which styles are better matches and which are not. Also how to deal with and help a lying spouse.
I used to be married to a dismissive avoidant. It can be very painful to deal with her because she would shut down and shut me out. I remember noticing her mother dealt with things the same way. She lost her dad at an early age and suffered sexual abuse by a man who became and police officer while in college. She tried to pretend like it really didn't affect her but our love life was a disaster. Intimacy was a huge issue. It took a lot of therapy after the separation... I learned a lot. I've never heard of that last attachment style till now but it also helps connect the dots. Thank you
Interesting information! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this video! I found it to be very thorough and helpful especially when you spoke about “observations” about behavior!! Trying to do the work to becoming a better me and this is really helpful!
This is the best video about explaining attachment styles!
I dont know why but the background song made me a little anxious, but this is a really good video, thank you for making it!
Amazing well said. Thank you for sharing this information 😊
Great video. Nice breakdown of the different attachment styles.
This is such great information. I feel like I’m somewhat secure attachment and anxious attachment because my mom always provides for me if it’s school, clothes, food etc. But I’m the other hand she’s not that affectionate, she probably stopped being affectionate around the age of 8. We just aren’t affectionate towards each other till this day, I don’t even give her hugs unless it’s Mother’s day and even then it feels weird for us. And with the words I love you, we don’t even say it to each other. With anxious attachment I assume maybe my mom couldn’t spend a whole lot of time with me considering she had me at 18 and was still in school and working without much of my dads help but I’ve just always been so anxious and scared of everything since I can remember. I always think someone is judging me or I couldn’t make friends or talk to people again till this day, and im going to be 21 next month. I’m slowing getting better with talking to people and taking baby steps but it’s actually crazy to think how your kids will turn out based on everything you do with them starting at a young age.
Yep... love that notion of being friends and connecting well with my mom and simultaneously being constantly anxious around her when she is stressed, because she hasn't worked with her autism or her trauma, so she has no recognition of how her lack of social cues and improper reaction patterns impact others such as my siblings.
Anxious / Preoccupied I'm told, although I did experience a lot of trauma and lost parents and family a lot growing up.
I had avoidant attachment style. I still have a hard time getting close to people but I am able to share my feelings pretty well now.
Hi Steph this is awesome information could you do a video on how to be there/support others who have an opposite attachment style from yourself🙏🏾❤
I was certain I was the avoidant until I heard the disorganized. I am definitely disorganized with a splash of avoidant.
Not to get into every little detail, but my parents were there. But. The relationship between my parents? I would wonder, as a kid, WHEN my mom would find a better husband (they're still married). Nothing physical, just we all knew that my dad would say one thing, get angry, and my mom would never, ever EVER say anything. I got chased out of the house by him once for something my sister said and the only time my mom said anything in the moment was when he was catching his breath and having chest pain, and that was her very weakly asking him to stop. We all knew she didn't agree with him 90% of the time because when he'd leave the dinner table, she'd say something to us, or during dinner, she'd try to change the subject without acknowledging anything that was just said. This was always at dinner time where we couldn't have any background noise and to this day, quiet dinners stress me out so, so much.
Not me or my siblings, all adults (I'm in the middle at 34), have a healthy relationship. No kids. I had a conversation with my little sister about how I don't think any of us will ever be in a healthy relationship because of how we grew up, and she agreed. Even looking at our cousins and stuff, while they're getting engaged and stuff, I'm just like here seeing most of them have something awful going down and I'm like, "Glad I'm not in any form of that," but at the same time, I am clueless on what normal is. I try not to blame my mom too much for her decisions because she both grew up in an abusive household and is disabled. She 100% feels like she can't do anything else. Sorry, this was a bit longer than I originally meant.
its ok if its a bit long; it means you are sharing something personal, which is brave of you considering the internet. I completely disagree with you on this point though- "I don't think any of us will ever be in a healthy relationship"- I think you can be! You're so scared of an unhealthy relationship you might have, you're missing out of a (wonderful) healthy relationship you can have 🥰. As she said, work on your trust issues but also (I recommend) learn what love is and is not, because in that way you can both heal from your childhood without excusing what your parents did as ok. Jesus is love 💖 and He can heal anything 💕 God bless you ✨
@@sleepypanda9374 yes sleepy panda yes🙌💞
This was so fascinating. Sorry to vent on your video but liiiiike...
I feel like I have a combo of somewhere between anxious & avoidant, with a touch of disorganized. In many ways, my parents were loving and made time to play with me and take me out on adventures. However I have a LOT of memories of being ignored, especially in my youngest years, because my parents were not prepared to have a kid and largely kept their social life of partying the same. I remember so much of being ditched once arriving at a friend of my parents' house, and just playing with dogs because their friends didn't have kids. They'd let me "cry it out" and ignore me if they felt done with me, (I have a core memory of my dad faking calling up an adoption agency because he thought I was being bad--he denies this lol) and they were often late to pick me up from school and were largely uninvolved with my school life. So, while I still honestly think of my parents as my best friends, I do not trust them, and I can see how that shapes my connections with other people.
That being, I do often get anxious when someone doesn't text back, but I also give everyone the cold shoulder and wait to text back as well. I tend to push everyone away and feel this intense need to be completely self sufficient, and therefore I now live alone and don't really have any friends because I do not initiate, nor keep up contact for fear of rejection. ADHD that runs in my family also plays into that, and I think part of my parents ignoring me really came down to just forgetting I exist.
Anyways, great video!! It is so healing and fascinating to hear how things can be broken down and traced back. Thank you for sharing.
I think I have multiple of these, the anxious and avoidant one. Or is that just part of the disorganised one?
thank you. very informational. I am working very hard to change the way I think for the better
Love this video; great explanations. Will continue to listen to your videos from now on! ☺️
I LOVE HOW YOU WORDED IT 🌺💖❣️
I'm a fearful avoidant attachment style and what's so crazy is that I was listening to Marvin's Room by Jojo the other day and she said, "Yeah that's right I'm dancing and something cool is in my cup." I was saying, "Yeah, you're never gonna see me phased after a breakup. I'm going to the club, I'm taking trips. You're never gonna see me in my feelings over you." So it was so crazy when you said people with avoidant attachment will never let other people see them in their feelings.
I think mine is avoidant attachment style. Thanks for sharing this ❤️
Excellent information. Thank you
It’s really hard trying to relearn while already having kids… I find that intimacy, being touched a lot makes me feel a way but I’m aware of it and I am trying to change bc my daughter is like how I was but it’s so hard bc of learned behavior but I am truly taking it day by day and talk about it with her and keep communication open
I have disorganized attachment style. I know a part of that comes from my childhood and trauma I’ve experienced/inflicted along the way.
Great stuff. Thank you for sharing.
Do a video in disorganized attachment, that would be really interesting, since it's not something regularly talked about, I always read about the other three. Question: can these attachments be mixed or intertwined somehow?
They can be mixed, and actually different relationships can bring out different attachment styles
Would love to see a video on trauma!! Thank you for your amazing content ❤️
Thank you, going to grad school for psychology I plan to continue on to become a clinical therapist/psychotherapist.
Thank you. Very informative. Is there a reason you assign “positive” and “negative” to each style? Curious.
I love your intro song!!!🤟🏾🤟🏾🤟🏾
Thank you for this informative video.. I believe I have disorganised attachment and honestly I'm afraid of getting into any relationship or having kids cause might hurt them like I was. However, I also believe anything learned can also be unlearned. Healing takes time though.
So well explained, thank you! ❤
Hello! I love your videos and I have learned so much❤️ how can you work to improve anxious attachment?
Wow this was so interesting to learn about.
I had gone from unorganized to avoidant throughout childhood.
What do you think are some ways some of the different types can cope, grow and help them learn towards a more positive/healthier attachment style? (Not including therapy)
You just got a new subscriber. Amazing video and thank you for sharing!
Thank you, this is a great video! Do you have any more videos on the disorganized attachment style, and also generally on how trauma informs our attachments style(s)? If not I would be very interested in videos on those topics!
Imma go look for them right now! 😊
You're so incredibly beautiful, especially without make up. I've listened to or 4 videos this am. Really amazing!
New sub 💫
Aw thanks so much. This made my day ♥️
Your video was displayed in my uni lecture today😭♥️
This is interesting. I have a secure attachment style, but I grew up in a volatile household where my parents were excellent providers, but the source of my trauma. My dad was very aggressive and yelled most of time,but mom was emotionally unavailable and did not show affection to anyone.