I recently learned about limerence. I'm so glad you made this series. Thank you! We need this understanding to heal and anchor skills that aren't maladaptive
I have recently realized I have been limerent my whole adult life. What I perceived to be "love" was an addiction and every single male I have been attracted to has been emotionally unavailable. Such a difficult and sad thing to wrap my brain around! I am also understanding how growing up with a ragaholic father (a dry drunk) has deeply affected my ability to form a healthy, stable, loving relationship with a man. People just haven't begun to realize the devastation that occurs in little girls as they watch rage from their father being heaped onto their mom. His disdain for women seeped into every nook and cranny of my sisters' and my life. Every one of my sisters married an angry man that had a disdain for women, and sadly, my brother became one of those men himself. A ragaholic causes as much damage as an alcoholic and I and my whole family are living proof.
How long did your mom allow the rages? Did she have self respect? If your mom let the ragers go and allowed them to repeat, without pushing back or ditching to create a better life, she’s complicit in the abuse. Not to excuse rage, but that can be a boundary and usually should be a one and done.
I, too, had the ragaholic father, and the damage caused, which helped me to do the same type of things. I, too, have been hugely limerent my whole life. I am 52 and just beginning to k ow how to accept the love from my husband, who is a wonderful man!! I didn't know how to accept his love and commitment to me because he didn't criticize me or treat me the way my father treated my mother or myself!! It took years of therapy for me to get to where I am today!!
When our needs are not met in childhood, we attempt to get them met in adulthood. We are physically grown people (adults) and supposed to be complete and ready to do adult living. But our adult bodies did not get the nourishment we needed in childhood to become psychologically healthy adults. We are still children desperately looking to matter to mommy and daddy.
Best channel ever. I don't believe I will ever recover, in terms of relationships. Being an ugly man, no one ever approached me, and I have spent so many years single, that whenever I meet a woman, and we exchange numbers.....i start getting limerent. Its like being ''thirsty'' in the desert, when you get to that oasis, you just want to slurp as much water as i can, immediately.
Yea, but women are not things to be consumed, they want to get known and get to know you, not a desperate shadow of yourself. If someone you just met feels like you immediately depend on them, of course they'd pull away. Nobody wants that responsibility unconsensually. Women do this too tho, not saying that's just a mens thing. Good looks help, but they don't make the relationship in the long run.
I fell into celebrity worship as a small child and it became my Walter Mitty experience. I was a latch key kid with a disinterested mother, negligent father, and a bully half sister who was never kind to me in my 54 years of life. I married the most wonderful man, and I couldn't appreciate him. I'm so blessed that he stayed with me and we are healing after 33 years of highs and lows, mostly caused by my inability to handle life. Those crushes that I had on famous people, were like a movie where I was normal and healthy, sometimes AWESOME, and the object of my affection was besotted. Well, my husband was and is besotted and I am so grateful that this delusion has passed. I didn't know what love looked like or felt like. I thought that real love would heal me, and fill in all the deficits and lift me to a place of success. I guess if I didn't know, my parents didn't know.
" They really are meant for you. They just don't know it yet" - One of the great lies I told myself, along with " I know they are rejecting me, but it's only because they love me so much. They are afraid of their feelings for me because of their own past trauma." It's almost like some weird controlling attitude of, I don't care what you're telling me, I know better than you do. 🤷🤦 Miserable way to make people feel totally weirded out by your limerent vibe.
When you literally relate heavily to all the symptoms, almost but at this stage just too tired to manage the illness / commit to a program to try and heal a life long core issue & the adhd work clean a home etc etc etc ..another reason why I am single.
I ended up obsessed with a married guy who has a UA-cam channel ..the obsession had lasted for years....my feelings of emptiness kept me hoping that he would notice me .. I'm only recently coming to a place of healing, but what I'm finding is helping me is prayer.. And coming out of a me focused mentality and learning to give more to bless others in the world.... I tell you what helps.... Learning about your situation... And believing that you can get better.. No one is ever to broken to heal.. HOPE is the highlight word that I wanted to share here 😊 I'm beginning to heal and so can you ❤ Sending love to you and you can get better...
Anna I am limerent too and there was no alcohol in my house however there was a lot of neglect and workaholism hence I believe this is a matter of neglect
Try ACA (adult children of alcoholics) the 12 step program, it's for dysfunctional families too, zoom meetings worldwide, I'm in it 💗 also my parents weren't alcoholic, however my grandad was, and my family is extremely dysfunctional
I agree - my adoptive dad was an alcoholic, but ultimately, because of that and his bipolar disorder, not to mention inappropriate behaviour towards me, I never had or wanted a close father-daughter relationship with him. I’m limerent and have C-PTSD, in therapy and *think* I’m getting better through that, moving out and making new friends (though I think I’m now limerent for one particular friend, which is… interesting. I think it will be ok, either way, but wish I could just have *one* relationship that felt clear and straightforward).
@ewagruszka3874 I am in the same boat with you. No alcohol or drugs in my family. But something was very wrong. Family provided food, clothing but something very important was missing. If alcoholism had been present, I would have figured out long, long ago that I needed help, that something was unhealthy about my childhood. It is what we weren't given that messes up our ability to function successfully in adulthood.
One of the best feelings I've had is seeing the red flags for what they are when it comes to people. Ghosting to usually underlines an imbalance somewhere. That person is probably going through something, so they've gone quite. They work a whole lot and they don't really have time to message back work life imbalance. Or maybe they didn't really like you that much or had to have time to process the connection aka mutual imbalance. What's awful about the ghosting trend is you don't always get a clear answer. I myself have been guilty of it, and try not to do it anymore. But seeing why it happens has taught me not to take things personally. Even if it's my character I know bettering myself will change this, and seeing my good qualities my loved ones see in me makes me feel better. Just move on if you communicate you feel hurt and you don't see a change. It might take some time, but you deserve to find peace and lover who reciprocates and makes time for you.
Limerence is likely to be the key to people staying in abusive relationships with narcissists, like the dog who caught the car it was chasing. Once in, all the energy goes into proving that it was real and worth the price. Consider that when getting the hots for unavailable people. It is how to throw yourself away after "winning" the struggle. Get out and stay out! Just knowing the word is a great help.
yes, i was wondering about this. when people talk about limerence, it’s usually about crushing on an unavailable person from afar, but do you think a person can be limerent for someone they’re married to? because i think limerence may be part of the reason my father has always stayed married and loyal to a wife with narcissistic tendencies, who rarely shows him any real respect or affection. so i must be getting the limerent genes from my dad lol
Great, many thanks. The daily practice buddies thing with writing/reading and 'no advice' sounds super-healthy. The CoDA 12-step fellowship is (or should be) really boundaried like that, no advice/feedback/crosstalk unless asked for.
Thank you for this video...i did not understand why i had such a big breakdown after my ex left. Its like im empty inside and cant stop thinking about him. Even dreams are about him. He left almost a year ago and i still feel that obsession. And yes...i was neglected as a child and had drunk, mentaly abusing parents...
When you say there's a certain type of trauma that produces limerence I can tell you from my perspective that is absolutely 100% true! I'm a female with a father who is a narcissist. He never approved of me, he never complimented me, he only criticized if anything. He wasn't supportive of my activities. I was in my thirties when someone finally figured out that all I was doing was looking for male approval. Now I actually realize I have been limerent as long as I can remember: having constant crushes on boys, being desperate for a boyfriend, then a husband. I guess to replace what I didn't have with my father. Edit to add: not knowing any better I thought he was normal that fathers just didn't pay attention, but eventually it dawned on me, in my 50s, why he does things like constantly turn conversations to himself. And worse.
The narcissistic wound is the same whether it’s a mother or father. In my case, it was my mother, and while I’ve been married for 40 years, that hasn’t stopped me from being limerent. The problem is is that if your needs for being seen and heard and feeling trust with your parents weren’t meant it leaves a ideep hole that can never be filled just as a limerent relationship can never be fulfilling.
I became limerent after a bad break up with the man that I thought I was going to marry (he cheated on me and that didn't help). I met this man after a while and I instantly fell in love. I have spent years hoping to meet him around, or that he would reach out to me, etc... I even found the courage to tell him how I felt about him, but he rejected me. Still, that strange hope is always there, even now that I know that he's not into me. I feel like my life is stuck and I'm so tired to just hope and never have a fulfilling relationship... Thank you for this video, it really helps ❤❤❤
Wow😨 as a half Ukranian (my alcoholic father was from the city now occupied by Ruskies) I hear sooooo many stories like that. Jeez, I am living in the United States now all alone after two years of wandering, with all my friends scattered around the world. Never realized this could be a source of my infatuation (is this the word?) for every clerk girl or even a stripper who simply smiles at me… I wish each and every one of them took me home. To MY home… But it’s no longer an option and might never be. Damn war…
Oh God!! I was on the other end of Renee's story. I was the wife of s*x-addicted liar. Every girl was jealous because of our 'great marriage' - he seemed to be such a perfect guy on the surface. After eight years I realized virtually everything was a lie and there were at least five other women who thought he has a 'mutually free marriage'. Thankfully we had no children - after the divorce, I was barely able to take care of myself. After this all, I have absolutely no excuse for any kind of cheating. But girl! I would never blame the other women for this, it was all him (and I know I kinda enabled him - you kinda know deep down you're lied to.)
Golly me I totally relate to that feeling of wanting to settle things with that person who was bad for me only to be caught in that web of chaos and then lamenting it .
This video has been so helpful for me. I am not in this situation now but I was between 2011 and 2014. It is well behind me now but the thing I have struggled with has been understanding why I behaved this way, what it was that overtook me so completely and why I made such bad decisions as a result. I guess It hasn't explained everything but it has helped to unpick some of it. One of the strangest aspects for me was that if this person has wanted to be with me full time in a relationship, I would have run a mile. I knew he was not someone to throw my lot in with. Even at the time I knew that. I think it was that I couldn't bear to be rejected. God knows why - I was a grown woman acting like a teenager. The lasting damage has been that I don't like myself for what I did and wonder what is wrong with me that I couldn't behave like a mature, responsible person of character. I guess we're all a work in progress and I am still working to be a better person but I regret wasting time and not working on myself earlier in life. Anyway, great channel 👍 x
Yep, definitely should have waited until the end of the video before posting! For the first time I've heard someone explain how I felt. Although I found your channel by accident, I'm not sure if I experienced any childhood trauma. It's complicated. But certainly nothing like the dramatic letters you receive. My relationship with my dad is very strained recently and I think I may end up cutting him from my life. But I don't feel he was a bad father. I will need to explore things more.
Anna its been a privilege to whom credit is owned,I thank you in terms of all things Just And Equal for Women an Children born into this World from everlasting to everlasting given A Will to choose. I am but only one Man for can't speak for other because my judgement or whatever this feeling of conviction brings. Apologies Community members of this country an surrounding nations across the Sea.
I agree Marcia needs to be with herself for a while and maybe even for good... It might to be painful to be alone at first but us humans find ways to adapt...
I have been the focus of limerence, and I've been guilty of it in my early years. Now, the kind of limerence that I often daydream about is living on a deserted island completely alone. I abhor the lies and contrivance of social interactions. However, another limerence (idk if this is a limerence), i have a dream with the silhouette of someone with long hair (the hair always flows in a breeze). I have this dream with this silhouette about once or twice per quarter. Idk what this dream means, but, no matter what's going on my life, the dream always fills me with the most intense feelings of love - receiving love and giving love. It's definitely an oversimplified and unrealistically purified version of my romanticized/idealized idea of feeling love. That said, I always enjoy the dream when it happens, and I always enjoy the time I have immersed in the love from the dream. Idk if that is limerence because I don't dwell on it even though I enjoy it.
That last story…sounds like the husband is emotionally, physically neglectful. Maybe he made a lot of promises before the marriage that he flipped once the papers were signed. If this husband is as I suspect, the neglect, and your loneliness, will get 100 times worse after kids. He will be every bit as neglectful to the children. Raising children alone in a house with a ghost of a husband (who often demands your perfection but demands nothing of himself) is actual torture and pure fuel for losing yourself to seeking comfort outside of the marriage. That’s what I’m living. My husband though, was the boss I became infatuated with and married while trying to get out of a physically abusive marriage. He’s a sex addict who hasn’t touched me for 7 years. We’ve been together for 20 years, and through the years I was raising our children, he neglected us all, and I lost myself many times to limerence with others because I was so very lonely and neglected. In my mind, through both of my miserable marriages, my choosing only people who weren’t available to me was my way to ensure that I wouldn’t get caught, and I wouldn’t be forced into something that required commitment. Several times it backfired on me. Twice I nearly lost my life by choosing people even more obsessed than I. I won’t say I’m “cured” but the last person I found myself limerent upon (?) in 2014, died suddenly and I kind of lost my damned mind. Now I’m just broken to the point that I don’t want interaction with anyone at all outside of my home.
I understand so much what you're going through💔, even though I've managed to free myself from this situation. I can only sympathize and wish you peace and healing. Like you, I married a man who made nothing but false promises before the wedding. he promised me the world and instead i didn’t even get crumbs. We didn't even go to the promised honeymoon (not because we didn't have money but cause he was so greedy and selfish)..I tried to leave so many time, but i was totally dependent on him (i left my country to be with him, in his poor misogynistic country). All my needs were ignored, i didn't have friends nor family, I was alone most of the time and when he was home, it's as i was still alone. He didn't care about me, only when he wanted to have sex and right after, he'd go back to his phone and ignore me (just thinking about it makes me furious for the person I was. I didn't know how extraordinary I was, so I let him and so many others abuse me, thinking I didn't deserve to be treated properly, thinking I didn't deserve to have my needs, my desires met, thinking my voice didn't matter). I felt so lonely for years (9) until one day, when I got pregnant and knew i would die if i kept it (I've been childfree since my teenage years and having kids has always been a big NO way). I knew it would be the end of my hopes of living a peacefully life one day (free from him). It litteraly would be the end of my life. I left without saying a word, my sister booked a flight back home and i had an abortion. I had no money, I was homeless for a year, but if I had it to do over again, I'd make the same choice. I'm so grateful for the courage my old self had. I've never regretted my choice, I know I wouldn't be here writing this comment today if I hadn't left on that famous February 4, 2018. I know what it feels to have limerance on unavailable people to protect yourself from getting problems. I did the same during all my years of marriage., i used to daydream for hours, imagining how amazing we were while the reality was excruciating. I've been healing since but I still have limerance with men, unavailable, toxic men.. since last year after a heartbroken toxic friends with benefits situation, I've decided to stay single. to heal for good and maybe to try again one more time and if I'm still choosing the wrong men, i would stay single for good. I'm at peace with myself and having someone shouldn't be at the expense of my inner peace. Take care of yourself my dear. Sending you strength ❤️🩹
"they are running from you but they are meant for you" HELL NO - They are running from you because your limerent vibe is scaring them away. I had terrible limerence on a man for 2 years and it got to the point where I saw him at a party - and when he saw me, he turned and, I swear he was practically running from me. I mean, he could not get out of there fast enough. He was not running from me because he loved me. He was running from me because my limerence was putting a terrible, weird focus and pressure on him that he did not deserve.
That was always my thought.. My ex is doing everything too much... Drinking too much, smoking too much, working too much and loving too much.. In the every day life he feels bored, even when we went on vacation having me around.. We broke off holidays because he didn't know what to do with me and after driving home he went to bed dreaming of us walking on at the beach watching the sun set(he told me so) ...he was crazy about me when we parted but when we reconciled it lasted 2 weeks until he missed the fantasy of me.. It's 20 years now that we are separated but he still dreams of me coming back to him....he always tells me when we meet by chance... He kind of loves this separation pain too much, his fantasy of connection than a real relationship. A real limerance!
Can limerence during adult life be a result of over-indulgent parenting, in which the parents get themselves become for the child the ultimate pillars of what great love looks like.
Are both parties responsible for the limerance? I like choosing to be single. We live in a time where people don't get together much anymore. I'm tired of thinking love will pan out.
Can you be limerant just over an online dating app? I signed up for an app, there’s no-one on there but I seen to addicted to continuously looking and hoping, yet I don’t actually think I want a relationship again anyway! My last marriage was a disaster (he was abusive). And yes, in come from an abusive, alcoholic childhood, full of neglect and have been limerant in the past of an individual (didn’t know that’s what it was at the time of course). But this time is different, it’s not with an actual individual but the THOUGHT of an individual. If that makes sense?!! 🤷♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’ve NEVER heard of Limerence before this video! Would you describe limerence as acting out a fantasy or daydream? Or, can limerence be both, just a fantasy/daydream and/or acting out a fantasy/daydream; or am I conflating the two?🤔
I have my own understanding of these issues: we did not get our need to be loved, to matter, to be seen, met in childhood and are still in adulthood seeking what we didn't get as kids. We want to be safe and having someone who puts you first makes you feel safe. We must, absolutely must, realize mom and dad were supposed to do that for us as kids so that we could take care of ourselves as adults. We are still trying to get mommy and daddy to take care of us. It is painful and not easy, but we have to stop expecting so much from others and to provide for ourselves. Put yourself first and you will stop seeking someone else to take care of you. I know this is easy to say. Still struggling with this every day.
IMO, yes! If we expect someone else to meet our needs for love, we are set up for disappointment. We have to meet that need. This allows all other relationships to be extra, not all consuming. We are the cake. The relationship is the frosting. If the cake wasn't properly prepared and cooked, all the frosting in the world will not make it a cake anyone would want to eat. Our parents were poor bakers.
@@nancybartley4610Great explanation! We can't look to another person to provide us with all of our love, support, emotional support in all forms, physical support, etc. Not only is it impossibly harmful to ourselves- what an enormous & suffering burden that would be for the other person. We are never more fulfilled than when we find/provide for ourselves. It was hard to heal from but it's totally possible ❤❤
Maybe. Honestly to me he just sounds apathetic and self centered. This is one of the dangers. Some predators have this hollywood style masterplan. But sometimes its not intentionally sadistic. Other people's pain just doesn't occur to them. and they want to take whatever you will offer. They're more impulsive and can seem genuine, which is why our danger sensors don't go off. But they are just as destructive to our lives and is why we need to focus on appropriate BEHAVIOUR and not trying to figure out their "intentions"
She could also volunteer somewhere while she is on unemployment in order to rebuild her life .. CODA or any other 12 step program would be helpful as well .
I'm trying to not experience limerance being transparent while also watchful for trauma dumping (as a way of my explaining a difficulty with nuance, subtext, and gaging someone's interest in me). When you were explaining psychological cheating, I'm wondering if dynamics like those between work-spouses tread that line. I had a classmate in a job training program, and we quickly became close. Knowing that she was married, I was mindful about trying to keep things platonic. We would text. We'd talk religion. Sometimes she'd make extra Nepalese food to share with me. She'd ask me to accompany her to H-Mart and Macy's. This woman introduced me to her younger sister as a way to help her sister develop her skills in conversational English. Meeting her husband at the end of the course, I felt like a third wheel. Since then, she's continued to be one of the first people to like my social media posts. She called me a few years ago. When I told her that I was coming out as trans, she said "That's cool.", and told me about her side hustle spreading.the message of entrepreneurial seminars. I warned her about pyramid schemes, and sounds like she's stepped back from them. There's a similar example where a friend and her workplace partner became like pseudo-moms to me (work-moms). The three of us gave such deep and intimate discussions. (Coming out to them felt like coming out to parents, and they were far more accepting than my mom)? In so many ways except for sexual the dynamic is like this throuple. I don't know if this is in some way is these self-described straight women cheating on their families, or fulfilling some other type of intimate need.
I don’t see it as cheating on family. At some point, you’ll separate from them because it’s inevitable. Family, at least from what I’ve gathered, is supposed to provide you with the building blocks for your future relationships (another issue is that we all have varying levels of consciousness that we act from and relationships are inherently complex anyway. Some dynamics you might only ever be able to see from a distance of years, if ever!)
I recently learned about limerence. I'm so glad you made this series. Thank you! We need this understanding to heal and anchor skills that aren't maladaptive
I have recently realized I have been limerent my whole adult life. What I perceived to be "love" was an addiction and every single male I have been attracted to has been emotionally unavailable. Such a difficult and sad thing to wrap my brain around! I am also understanding how growing up with a ragaholic father (a dry drunk) has deeply affected my ability to form a healthy, stable, loving relationship with a man. People just haven't begun to realize the devastation that occurs in little girls as they watch rage from their father being heaped onto their mom. His disdain for women seeped into every nook and cranny of my sisters' and my life. Every one of my sisters married an angry man that had a disdain for women, and sadly, my brother became one of those men himself. A ragaholic causes as much damage as an alcoholic and I and my whole family are living proof.
How long did your mom allow the rages? Did she have self respect? If your mom let the ragers go and allowed them to repeat, without pushing back or ditching to create a better life, she’s complicit in the abuse. Not to excuse rage, but that can be a boundary and usually should be a one and done.
I, too, had the ragaholic father, and the damage caused, which helped me to do the same type of things. I, too, have been hugely limerent my whole life. I am 52 and just beginning to k ow how to accept the love from my husband, who is a wonderful man!! I didn't know how to accept his love and commitment to me because he didn't criticize me or treat me the way my father treated my mother or myself!! It took years of therapy for me to get to where I am today!!
The walls would move when my dad was angry 😢😞
This makes me sad because it reminds me of me and my upbringing. 😢
Understood... Narcissistic fathers = very similar results.
When our needs are not met in childhood, we attempt to get them met in adulthood. We are physically grown people (adults) and supposed to be complete and ready to do adult living. But our adult bodies did not get the nourishment we needed in childhood to become psychologically healthy adults. We are still children desperately looking to matter to mommy and daddy.
Best channel ever. I don't believe I will ever recover, in terms of relationships. Being an ugly man, no one ever approached me, and I have spent so many years single, that whenever I meet a woman, and we exchange numbers.....i start getting limerent. Its like being ''thirsty'' in the desert, when you get to that oasis, you just want to slurp as much water as i can, immediately.
Who says you're "ugly"? 😥
Yea, but women are not things to be consumed, they want to get known and get to know you, not a desperate shadow of yourself. If someone you just met feels like you immediately depend on them, of course they'd pull away. Nobody wants that responsibility unconsensually. Women do this too tho, not saying that's just a mens thing. Good looks help, but they don't make the relationship in the long run.
@@jwsuicides8095 lots of people throughout my whole life. Even at my age of 50 people will come straight to my face and make fun of my features
@@KartoffelKloe-ds6ve spoken like someone who doesnt understand what its like
@@Augfordpdoggie I am drop dead gorgeous and I feel the same way so.....
I fell into celebrity worship as a small child and it became my Walter Mitty experience. I was a latch key kid with a disinterested mother, negligent father, and a bully half sister who was never kind to me in my 54 years of life. I married the most wonderful man, and I couldn't appreciate him. I'm so blessed that he stayed with me and we are healing after 33 years of highs and lows, mostly caused by my inability to handle life. Those crushes that I had on famous people, were like a movie where I was normal and healthy, sometimes AWESOME, and the object of my affection was besotted. Well, my husband was and is besotted and I am so grateful that this delusion has passed. I didn't know what love looked like or felt like. I thought that real love would heal me, and fill in all the deficits and lift me to a place of success. I guess if I didn't know, my parents didn't know.
" They really are meant for you. They just don't know it yet" - One of the great lies I told myself, along with " I know they are rejecting me, but it's only because they love me so much. They are afraid of their feelings for me because of their own past trauma." It's almost like some weird controlling attitude of, I don't care what you're telling me, I know better than you do. 🤷🤦 Miserable way to make people feel totally weirded out by your limerent vibe.
When you literally relate heavily to all the symptoms, almost but at this stage just too tired to manage the illness / commit to a program to try and heal a life long core issue & the adhd work clean a home etc etc etc ..another reason why I am single.
Same here...
Seems like depression to me. Have you seen a doctor or a therapist for a diagnosis?
At night i like to put on one of your videos that have already watch because your voice is so calming !
I ended up obsessed with a married guy who has a UA-cam channel ..the obsession had lasted for years....my feelings of emptiness kept me hoping that he would notice me ..
I'm only recently coming to a place of healing, but what I'm finding is helping me is prayer..
And coming out of a me focused mentality and learning to give more to bless others in the world....
I tell you what helps....
Learning about your situation...
And believing that you can get better..
No one is ever to broken to heal..
HOPE is the highlight word that I wanted to share here 😊
I'm beginning to heal and so can you ❤
Sending love to you and you can get better...
Anna I am limerent too and there was no alcohol in my house however there was a lot of neglect and workaholism hence I believe this is a matter of neglect
Try ACA (adult children of alcoholics) the 12 step program, it's for dysfunctional families too, zoom meetings worldwide, I'm in it 💗 also my parents weren't alcoholic, however my grandad was, and my family is extremely dysfunctional
My father was and is a workaholic
I agree - my adoptive dad was an alcoholic, but ultimately, because of that and his bipolar disorder, not to mention inappropriate behaviour towards me, I never had or wanted a close father-daughter relationship with him.
I’m limerent and have C-PTSD, in therapy and *think* I’m getting better through that, moving out and making new friends (though I think I’m now limerent for one particular friend, which is… interesting. I think it will be ok, either way, but wish I could just have *one* relationship that felt clear and straightforward).
It seems my comments re: a c a 1 2 step are getting deleted...
@ewagruszka3874 I am in the same boat with you. No alcohol or drugs in my family. But something was very wrong. Family provided food, clothing but something very important was missing. If alcoholism had been present, I would have figured out long, long ago that I needed help, that something was unhealthy about my childhood. It is what we weren't given that messes up our ability to function successfully in adulthood.
One of the best feelings I've had is seeing the red flags for what they are when it comes to people. Ghosting to usually underlines an imbalance somewhere. That person is probably going through something, so they've gone quite. They work a whole lot and they don't really have time to message back work life imbalance. Or maybe they didn't really like you that much or had to have time to process the connection aka mutual imbalance. What's awful about the ghosting trend is you don't always get a clear answer. I myself have been guilty of it, and try not to do it anymore. But seeing why it happens has taught me not to take things personally. Even if it's my character I know bettering myself will change this, and seeing my good qualities my loved ones see in me makes me feel better. Just move on if you communicate you feel hurt and you don't see a change. It might take some time, but you deserve to find peace and lover who reciprocates and makes time for you.
Limerence is likely to be the key to people staying in abusive relationships with narcissists, like the dog who caught the car it was chasing. Once in, all the energy goes into proving that it was real and worth the price. Consider that when getting the hots for unavailable people. It is how to throw yourself away after "winning" the struggle. Get out and stay out! Just knowing the word is a great help.
yes, i was wondering about this. when people talk about limerence, it’s usually about crushing on an unavailable person from afar, but do you think a person can be limerent for someone they’re married to? because i think limerence may be part of the reason my father has always stayed married and loyal to a wife with narcissistic tendencies, who rarely shows him any real respect or affection. so i must be getting the limerent genes from my dad lol
Great, many thanks. The daily practice buddies thing with writing/reading and 'no advice' sounds super-healthy. The CoDA 12-step fellowship is (or should be) really boundaried like that, no advice/feedback/crosstalk unless asked for.
Thank you for this video...i did not understand why i had such a big breakdown after my ex left. Its like im empty inside and cant stop thinking about him. Even dreams are about him. He left almost a year ago and i still feel that obsession.
And yes...i was neglected as a child and had drunk, mentaly abusing parents...
How are you doing now? Did you move past it?
@@samia6888 Thanks for asking, no unfortunately not yet. It's sometimes better, sometimes worse.
@@Ivy89261 this is just a total nightmare man, I am at loss of what to do and when it will get better. I been battling this for 7 years already.
@@Ivy89261 for me it was 7 years of torture
@@samia6888 oh god...im sorry to hear that. Maybe we are to loyal and thats why we have such a hard time.
When you say there's a certain type of trauma that produces limerence I can tell you from my perspective that is absolutely 100% true! I'm a female with a father who is a narcissist. He never approved of me, he never complimented me, he only criticized if anything. He wasn't supportive of my activities. I was in my thirties when someone finally figured out that all I was doing was looking for male approval. Now I actually realize I have been limerent as long as I can remember: having constant crushes on boys, being desperate for a boyfriend, then a husband. I guess to replace what I didn't have with my father. Edit to add: not knowing any better I thought he was normal that fathers just didn't pay attention, but eventually it dawned on me, in my 50s, why he does things like constantly turn conversations to himself. And worse.
The narcissistic wound is the same whether it’s a mother or father. In my case, it was my mother, and while I’ve been married for 40 years, that hasn’t stopped me from being limerent. The problem is is that if your needs for being seen and heard and feeling trust with your parents weren’t meant it leaves a ideep hole that can never be filled just as a limerent relationship can never be fulfilling.
Renee ... leave that job!! You deserve so much more. Good luck. Thank you Anna, this is another great video.
I always come back to your videos when the limerance comes back.
Your videos help me stay grounded.
Great! Keep it up!
Nika@TeamFairy
I became limerent after a bad break up with the man that I thought I was going to marry (he cheated on me and that didn't help). I met this man after a while and I instantly fell in love. I have spent years hoping to meet him around, or that he would reach out to me, etc... I even found the courage to tell him how I felt about him, but he rejected me. Still, that strange hope is always there, even now that I know that he's not into me. I feel like my life is stuck and I'm so tired to just hope and never have a fulfilling relationship... Thank you for this video, it really helps ❤❤❤
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you… I needed this even though it’s hard
Thans so much Anna, your advice is Gold!!
Wow😨 as a half Ukranian (my alcoholic father was from the city now occupied by Ruskies) I hear sooooo many stories like that. Jeez, I am living in the United States now all alone after two years of wandering, with all my friends scattered around the world. Never realized this could be a source of my infatuation (is this the word?) for every clerk girl or even a stripper who simply smiles at me… I wish each and every one of them took me home. To MY home… But it’s no longer an option and might never be. Damn war…
Hugo could also have CPTSD, and when he recognized maybe he was still too damaged to hurt you even more, he had to back off.
Hugo is typical Berlin dating style
I enjoy all your videos the letters & responses are so insightful & helpful creating healthy connection
😊
Oh God!! I was on the other end of Renee's story. I was the wife of s*x-addicted liar. Every girl was jealous because of our 'great marriage' - he seemed to be such a perfect guy on the surface. After eight years I realized virtually everything was a lie and there were at least five other women who thought he has a 'mutually free marriage'. Thankfully we had no children - after the divorce, I was barely able to take care of myself. After this all, I have absolutely no excuse for any kind of cheating. But girl! I would never blame the other women for this, it was all him (and I know I kinda enabled him - you kinda know deep down you're lied to.)
Golly me I totally relate to that feeling of wanting to settle things with that person who was bad for me only to be caught in that web of chaos and then lamenting it .
This video has been so helpful for me. I am not in this situation now but I was between 2011 and 2014. It is well behind me now but the thing I have struggled with has been understanding why I behaved this way, what it was that overtook me so completely and why I made such bad decisions as a result. I guess It hasn't explained everything but it has helped to unpick some of it. One of the strangest aspects for me was that if this person has wanted to be with me full time in a relationship, I would have run a mile. I knew he was not someone to throw my lot in with. Even at the time I knew that. I think it was that I couldn't bear to be rejected. God knows why - I was a grown woman acting like a teenager. The lasting damage has been that I don't like myself for what I did and wonder what is wrong with me that I couldn't behave like a mature, responsible person of character. I guess we're all a work in progress and I am still working to be a better person but I regret wasting time and not working on myself earlier in life. Anyway, great channel 👍 x
Yep, definitely should have waited until the end of the video before posting! For the first time I've heard someone explain how I felt.
Although I found your channel by accident, I'm not sure if I experienced any childhood trauma. It's complicated. But certainly nothing like the dramatic letters you receive. My relationship with my dad is very strained recently and I think I may end up cutting him from my life. But I don't feel he was a bad father. I will need to explore things more.
Anna its been a privilege to whom credit is owned,I thank you in terms of all things Just And Equal for Women an Children born into this World from everlasting to everlasting given A Will to choose. I am but only one Man for can't speak for other because my judgement or whatever this feeling of conviction brings. Apologies Community members of this country an surrounding nations across the Sea.
I agree Marcia needs to be with herself for a while and maybe even for good... It might to be painful to be alone at first but us humans find ways to adapt...
You got taken out for a walk in the woods girl!!!😅😅 so true
I have been the focus of limerence, and I've been guilty of it in my early years. Now, the kind of limerence that I often daydream about is living on a deserted island completely alone. I abhor the lies and contrivance of social interactions. However, another limerence (idk if this is a limerence), i have a dream with the silhouette of someone with long hair (the hair always flows in a breeze). I have this dream with this silhouette about once or twice per quarter. Idk what this dream means, but, no matter what's going on my life, the dream always fills me with the most intense feelings of love - receiving love and giving love. It's definitely an oversimplified and unrealistically purified version of my romanticized/idealized idea of feeling love. That said, I always enjoy the dream when it happens, and I always enjoy the time I have immersed in the love from the dream. Idk if that is limerence because I don't dwell on it even though I enjoy it.
Very insightful 👏
🎣 good fishing trip! 😃 Hope the weather warms up a bit 🥶
That last story…sounds like the husband is emotionally, physically neglectful. Maybe he made a lot of promises before the marriage that he flipped once the papers were signed. If this husband is as I suspect, the neglect, and your loneliness, will get 100 times worse after kids. He will be every bit as neglectful to the children. Raising children alone in a house with a ghost of a husband (who often demands your perfection but demands nothing of himself) is actual torture and pure fuel for losing yourself to seeking comfort outside of the marriage.
That’s what I’m living. My husband though, was the boss I became infatuated with and married while trying to get out of a physically abusive marriage. He’s a sex addict who hasn’t touched me for 7 years. We’ve been together for 20 years, and through the years I was raising our children, he neglected us all, and I lost myself many times to limerence with others because I was so very lonely and neglected. In my mind, through both of my miserable marriages, my choosing only people who weren’t available to me was my way to ensure that I wouldn’t get caught, and I wouldn’t be forced into something that required commitment. Several times it backfired on me. Twice I nearly lost my life by choosing people even more obsessed than I.
I won’t say I’m “cured” but the last person I found myself limerent upon (?) in 2014, died suddenly and I kind of lost my damned mind.
Now I’m just broken to the point that I don’t want interaction with anyone at all outside of my home.
I understand so much what you're going through💔, even though I've managed to free myself from this situation. I can only sympathize and wish you peace and healing.
Like you, I married a man who made nothing but false promises before the wedding. he promised me the world and instead i didn’t even get crumbs. We didn't even go to the promised honeymoon (not because we didn't have money but cause he was so greedy and selfish)..I tried to leave so many time, but i was totally dependent on him (i left my country to be with him, in his poor misogynistic country).
All my needs were ignored, i didn't have friends nor family, I was alone most of the time and when he was home, it's as i was still alone.
He didn't care about me, only when he wanted to have sex and right after, he'd go back to his phone and ignore me (just thinking about it makes me furious for the person I was. I didn't know how extraordinary I was, so I let him and so many others abuse me, thinking I didn't deserve to be treated properly, thinking I didn't deserve to have my needs, my desires met, thinking my voice didn't matter).
I felt so lonely for years (9) until one day, when I got pregnant and knew i would die if i kept it (I've been childfree since my teenage years and having kids has always been a big NO way). I knew it would be the end of my hopes of living a peacefully life one day (free from him). It litteraly would be the end of my life.
I left without saying a word, my sister booked a flight back home and i had an abortion. I had no money, I was homeless for a year, but if I had it to do over again, I'd make the same choice.
I'm so grateful for the courage my old self had. I've never regretted my choice, I know I wouldn't be here writing this comment today if I hadn't left on that famous February 4, 2018.
I know what it feels to have limerance on unavailable people to protect yourself from getting problems. I did the same during all my years of marriage., i used to daydream for hours, imagining how amazing we were while the reality was excruciating.
I've been healing since but I still have limerance with men, unavailable, toxic men.. since last year after a heartbroken toxic friends with benefits situation, I've decided to stay single. to heal for good and maybe to try again one more time and if I'm still choosing the wrong men, i would stay single for good. I'm at peace with myself and having someone shouldn't be at the expense of my inner peace.
Take care of yourself my dear.
Sending you strength ❤️🩹
"they are running from you but they are meant for you" HELL NO - They are running from you because your limerent vibe is scaring them away. I had terrible limerence on a man for 2 years and it got to the point where I saw him at a party - and when he saw me, he turned and, I swear he was practically running from me. I mean, he could not get out of there fast enough. He was not running from me because he loved me. He was running from me because my limerence was putting a terrible, weird focus and pressure on him that he did not deserve.
Did he know?
Did you get over him?
Isn't it possible that the same genes that predispose one to addiction do the same for romantic obsession (which is itself a kind of addiction)?
That was always my thought.. My ex is doing everything too much... Drinking too much, smoking too much, working too much and loving too much.. In the every day life he feels bored, even when we went on vacation having me around.. We broke off holidays because he didn't know what to do with me and after driving home he went to bed dreaming of us walking on at the beach watching the sun set(he told me so) ...he was crazy about me when we parted but when we reconciled it lasted 2 weeks until he missed the fantasy of me.. It's 20 years now that we are separated but he still dreams of me coming back to him....he always tells me when we meet by chance... He kind of loves this separation pain too much, his fantasy of connection than a real relationship. A real limerance!
I think ACA Dysfunctional families 12 step could help these people- 24 hours a day, sponsors available and free too.
Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 step?
@@shewho333 yes, dysfunctional families too 💗
CODA or any other 12 step program may help too ..
@@RoadRunnergarage8570 yes, I started in SLAA, then also ACA...CoDA will come too
I’m curious to know your thoughts about limerence being a sort of animus/ anima projection?
Can limerence during adult life be a result of over-indulgent parenting, in which the parents get themselves become for the child the ultimate pillars of what great love looks like.
she really did go off on that last person who wrote in 👀
This is me 💔🙏
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Are both parties responsible for the limerance? I like choosing to be single. We live in a time where people don't get together much anymore. I'm tired of thinking love will pan out.
10:12 Cracks me up; they don't want to hurt you so they abandon you thinking that that won't hurt you?
They're phk'n dumb.
Linerence is literally suffering.
Can you be limerant just over an online dating app? I signed up for an app, there’s no-one on there but I seen to addicted to continuously looking and hoping, yet I don’t actually think I want a relationship again anyway! My last marriage was a disaster (he was abusive).
And yes, in come from an abusive, alcoholic childhood, full of neglect and have been limerant in the past of an individual (didn’t know that’s what it was at the time of course). But this time is different, it’s not with an actual individual but the THOUGHT of an individual. If that makes sense?!! 🤷♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’ve NEVER heard of Limerence before this video! Would you describe limerence as acting out a fantasy or daydream? Or, can limerence be both, just a fantasy/daydream and/or acting out a fantasy/daydream; or am I conflating the two?🤔
I have my own understanding of these issues: we did not get our need to be loved, to matter, to be seen, met in childhood and are still in adulthood seeking what we didn't get as kids. We want to be safe and having someone who puts you first makes you feel safe. We must, absolutely must, realize mom and dad were supposed to do that for us as kids so that we could take care of ourselves as adults. We are still trying to get mommy and daddy to take care of us. It is painful and not easy, but we have to stop expecting so much from others and to provide for ourselves. Put yourself first and you will stop seeking someone else to take care of you. I know this is easy to say. Still struggling with this every day.
@@nancybartley4610 Well said Nancy
Can limerence apply to real relationships and not just one sided obsessions? Im new here and curious
IMO, yes! If we expect someone else to meet our needs for love, we are set up for disappointment. We have to meet that need. This allows all other relationships to be extra, not all consuming. We are the cake. The relationship is the frosting. If the cake wasn't properly prepared and cooked, all the frosting in the world will not make it a cake anyone would want to eat. Our parents were poor bakers.
@@nancybartley4610Great explanation! We can't look to another person to provide us with all of our love, support, emotional support in all forms, physical support, etc.
Not only is it impossibly harmful to ourselves- what an enormous & suffering burden that would be for the other person.
We are never more fulfilled than when we find/provide for ourselves. It was hard to heal from but it's totally possible ❤❤
Yes if you like them more
Do you think the guy from the second letter was a predator?
I think he benefits from taking advantage of vulnerable people, and he does it on purpose. So, yeah.
Maybe. Honestly to me he just sounds apathetic and self centered. This is one of the dangers. Some predators have this hollywood style masterplan. But sometimes its not intentionally sadistic. Other people's pain just doesn't occur to them. and they want to take whatever you will offer. They're more impulsive and can seem genuine, which is why our danger sensors don't go off. But they are just as destructive to our lives and is why we need to focus on appropriate BEHAVIOUR and not trying to figure out their "intentions"
👍🎯👍
How do I write to you
Check the video description, there is a link saying: if you want to write, keep it short and to the point.
@@susannluckmann7705 thank you i did look in the description was just the website
The 3rd lady, Miranda is married, right? That fact somehow completely got lost or am I misunderstanding something?
This guy share a "great conection" with so many ppl at the same time. 🙄
If Renee cannot find another job,she should quit her job anyway and go on unemployment in order to save her sanity...
I would also think since she has a child she can get child support from the Father as well ...
She could also volunteer somewhere while she is on unemployment in order to rebuild her life .. CODA or any other 12 step program would be helpful as well .
Being on unemployment would also give Renee more time to work on her massive emotional issues through regular therapy and group therapy .
All these videos are very helpful..just need to know Jesus is the only TRUE healer.
❤
Amen
I'm trying to not experience limerance being transparent while also watchful for trauma dumping (as a way of my explaining a difficulty with nuance, subtext, and gaging someone's interest in me).
When you were explaining psychological cheating, I'm wondering if dynamics like those between work-spouses tread that line. I had a classmate in a job training program, and we quickly became close. Knowing that she was married, I was mindful about trying to keep things platonic. We would text. We'd talk religion. Sometimes she'd make extra Nepalese food to share with me. She'd ask me to accompany her to H-Mart and Macy's. This woman introduced me to her younger sister as a way to help her sister develop her skills in conversational English. Meeting her husband at the end of the course, I felt like a third wheel. Since then, she's continued to be one of the first people to like my social media posts.
She called me a few years ago. When I told her that I was coming out as trans, she said "That's cool.", and told me about her side hustle spreading.the message of entrepreneurial seminars. I warned her about pyramid schemes, and sounds like she's stepped back from them.
There's a similar example where a friend and her workplace partner became like pseudo-moms to me (work-moms). The three of us gave such deep and intimate discussions. (Coming out to them felt like coming out to parents, and they were far more accepting than my mom)? In so many ways except for sexual the dynamic is like this throuple. I don't know if this is in some way is these self-described straight women cheating on their families, or fulfilling some other type of intimate need.
I don’t see it as cheating on family. At some point, you’ll separate from them because it’s inevitable. Family, at least from what I’ve gathered, is supposed to provide you with the building blocks for your future relationships (another issue is that we all have varying levels of consciousness that we act from and relationships are inherently complex anyway. Some dynamics you might only ever be able to see from a distance of years, if ever!)