“If you’re angry when disciplining your child, you’ve waited too long” is something I’ve felt but didn’t know how to say. Thank you Jordan, I wholeheartedly agree with you.
It is worth noting the same is often true when communicating with a partner. You shouldn't wait till you are quite upset to bring something up. Also just like with a child if you do get very angry it's often worth taking a moment to release your anger before confrontation if it couldn't be addressed on time.
Not if the solution is force them to do what you want with physical abuse. Jordan pretty much explained learned helplessness here. Something we use to teach dogs.. not children
@@laurenj6771I always chose the punishment I can live with.I was grounded as a child. I chose not to do that but tv and videogames which were not the best for them in the first place were my go to.I could stick to my guns with that.Following through is the most important factor and not caving.
@@blanchecarte963 That makes sense, a consequence should benefit them as well, not just be punitive. But how do you follow through with a consequence for an infant since they don’t do anything like video games😂
@@ernestmorgan5924and you don’t know grammar. If you disagree with this video, I pray you don’t have kids cuz I’m sure with 100% certainty that you’re a profoundly bad parent.
I think you learn most of it as a child, but those lessons for sure create discipline as you grow. I can’t believe how many times in life that I look back to disciplines given to me by my parents and grandparents that made be a better person throughout my life. Pushing 70 now and so proud of my family and how they taught me which was passed to my children who are doing the same for their children! Have a great day!
sad part is, if you grow up without dicipline, it's much harder for you to be diciplined and people look down upon you cause you're not "diciplined" yet it's 99% your upbringing, same with weight, overweight children have a very hard time with weight when they're adults, blame the parents. Not saying that you shouldn't recieve critics about how you are as a person but it's not always your fault
@@ihdiadgdhwbad1 I’m not sure if it comes from heredity or discipline, but I have two daughters, three sisters, seven nieces an nephew’s and six grandchildren and only three of those are overweight (hefty), not obese by any means, but none in my immediate family! Both of my parents great grandparents came from Sweden in the 1870’s. It could be linked to DNA traits, but growing up we always ate respectfully and were all very active, as are most of the grandkids in the family.
They WILL test your boundaries. Consistency is key!!!!! Stay consistent and if they push it, follow through with consequences. It hurts, no one enjoys seeing their baby cry, but it is important for their development and safety.
They have to test your boundaries. They need to know the boundaries for their own safety and it is important that they'll try to find those boundaries. You should be worried when a kid isn't doing that.
I'll add one thing. If you follow through on your word, even if it's a negative consequence, and you're consistent, you show the value of your word. That earns their trust even if they don't like what you do when they misbehave. They know you don't just talk the talk.
@ankavoskuilen1725 right, the kid isn't evil for testing the boundaries. That's how they learn what can and can't be done. They need you there to prevent them from doing something dangerous so they learn a new boundary for something that isn't safe.
@@pureoxin8135 to be clear though babies don't need harsh consequences. The stern look with a firm no while restricting them from forbidden item will work. Also not smiling and laughing at misbehavior because it reinforces the behavior. You think high chair messes are funny until that kids is mess when eating out in public.
As a mom who ended up becoming a single mother when the children were very young...7 months and 4....I lacked consistency. This greatly affected my children and I totally regret it. They are now in their 3O's. We talk about it now. I have apologized. Most important thing I know is choose the parent of your future child well and do the work to stay married!
This is what I would call true gentle parenting. You as a parent understanding that you are the adult and you need to teach your child to be the best person they could be. You don’t have to do that with corporal punishment or yelling or anything else. Just be firm, calm, and keep your consequences consistent.
That's actually how mother monkeys teach their young. They hold them by the leg or tail, and each time she let's go, if the baby heads back towards the "no no" she holds his leg again. Eventually, he stops and throws a little tantrum, then lies on his tummy defeated. Then she brings the baby into her arms and holds him lovingly.
I think showing love is such a key part of it--teach your kids that disciplining them is an extension of your love. Goes right along with "if your angry you've waited too long"
I have always stuck to two rules when teaching discipline to young kids: 1. No means No! 100% of the time. 2. Have more determination to teach them, than they have stubbornness to resist being taught! I will now be adding a 3rd: 3. If you are angry at them, you waited too long to deal with it. Thanks Dr Peterson. Edit: point 2 originally said ‘be more stubborn than they are’ but folks seemed to get riled up about the word stubborn, so i have expanded upon what i meant.
@@rudygarcia7387 it just means that if they throw a tantrum and resist doing what they are told, you cant give in, you have to be more stubborn than they are and outlast them! Eventually they will realise that there is no point arguing as they wont win.
@@Veran1337 Correct! Stubborn has taken on a negative connotation in today's society. Be more Persistent. A parent must have the persistency to teach proper behavior to the child or the child will run rough shod the household, the classroom, the schoolyard, the workplace, in marriage, & become just as ineffectual parent as the parent who didn't remain persistent a generation before. Outlast through persistence & love, & if someone calls it "stubborn", so be it. At least the child is not spoiled, ruling the show, & running around, doing whatever, unchecked.
Honestly come on people. The ,dare I say, average person, understands what JP is saying. And the word stubborn is just being taken to a ridiculous level. Somethings just don't need to be dissected like this. It's called common sense.
In my 36 years teaching experience, there were many examples of parents who told me that their child behaved "childishly" because they were a child, and when they were adults, they would behave maturely. There is no magic day when any child starts behaving responsibly and maturely. The magic happens when parents consistently discipline in love. That's why parenting is another full-time 24 hr job. There are no shortcuts. It takes a lot of time and putting one's self out of convenience or what was planned. The rewards are amazing and last beyond a lifetime!
Some things are just childishness that they'll grow out of: tipping your milk over at the dinner table. Disobedience and rebellion are not some of those things, though.
When talking with younger parents who are frustrated, I tell them that consistency is key. Also, hold to your word. If you say they are going to get a timeout, give them a timeout. Don't just threaten without follow through. They have to know that when you say something, you mean it.
You're frustrated because you think they mean it and they don't follow through. You need to understand that they don't actually mean it. Then it's not frustrating just as it isn't frustrating for the kids doing whatever they want
Just a few hours ago, I was at a store, waiting in line to check out. I could hear a child screaming and crying “I WANT IT!!!” Over and over. Probably a good 5 minutes, while waiting (one cashier, and there’s always that one person in line that for some reason makes it go slower) After a few minutes I hear “if I get it will you SHUT UP?!” That woman just taught her child “scream really loud for 5 minutes and you’ll get what you want”. Pretty much guaranteed she’d have to deal with this over and over again.
I feel like there are many of those “children” in public now. “I want this because I want it!” “If I give it to you will you shut up?” The spectrum is large on this. It starts with something as simple as candy and it could end with something as complex as changing who you were born as. “I want this bc I want it! Me…Me…Me!!!!!”
@@stickmonkey23 I mean it definitely happened during the 90's and early 00s when I was growing up a lot. Me and my brother knew better. We knew that if we behaved we *may* get a reward of some type or maybe just a thank you for being good. We weren't allowed to throw some tantrum in public. These people today aren't parenting. They're barely surviving their own kids!
Absolutely excellent advice! AND this type of discipline MUST commence during the baby stage - some parents allow their kids to grow up undisciplined and then expect them to behave when they’re 10 / 11 / 12 ++ - too TOO late. The ship has sailed!!
It's never to late. I'm teaching my step children starting a week ago when they came to live with us. Three 7 year old triplet girls, boys are 9, 12 ,16. My wife and her ex husband did the complete opposite of what peterson just said and I'm going to fix it. It's not easy for me and them either but they are still children waiting to me molded into respectful young men and women.
still that all sounds disreapectfull ... "molded" "form" , we have too many good solders serving ower owners without any thought of conplaint ... if taking this in consideration as well? ...
On a side note, as a man who is generally quite easy going and relaxed and is happy to help anyone with anything, but who grew up in a 1st generation irish/maltese family who are forces of nature at the best of times, and apocalyptic at the worst! Since i don’t mind helping people. I found strong willed people generally assume they can boss me about since I am usually happy to do what ever they ask… I made it a rule. When i have to spend a lot of time with someone who is strong willed, I wait for them to ask a minor favour of me which is inconsequential, and i flat refuse with a polite but firm ‘no’. Said bluntly it will usually surprise them, and for an explanation i usually say something like ‘i dont want to’ or ‘its not convenient for me’ . After that i return to my normal self and am happy to help them with what-ever as often as they ask (which is how i prefer to be normally). I have found that this ensures they understand from day 1 that just because i am easy going and like to help people, that doesn’t mean i am a push over and can be bullied about. Works 100% of the time so far….been doing it for 20 years.
Of course everyone on camera is going to be at their best. An old saying: the first time you meet someone that is the best they will be. All downhill after that. I can see these shrinks have never been in the infantry in combat. You better be a tough dude.
Nothing works 100% of the time. I am 76 and nothing in this world is 100%. Stop the BS and come down to reality. Classroom is one thing, and reality is where the rubber meets the road. These Shrinks are only classroom where everything works in that environment. I took my daughter to one of these many years ago, and she manipulated the Shrink to give her medicine she didn't need. I said hell no, and she turned out just fine. Common sense is better than BS.
When I see someone struggle to parent most of the time they're yelling empty threats at their kids. Don't threaten...love them before, during and after a punishment. My kids know I hate punishing them...they're very aware I will though.
Tone pf voice helps, too. Babies instinctively understand tones. Low tones = seriousness, high pitch airy tones = happiness. Seriously, I teach 1th grade, and it workes on almost all kids I've met.
@shaunmail2083 I don't teach in English. There are other parts of the world then the US 😊 and a youtube comment is not where I focus my hardest on writing correct grammar
Notice the keywords. Not hard and not angry. Discipline is a matter of teaching. And that is what distinguishes it from abuse. It is ok to teach your child consequences. It is ok to discipline and punish your child. It is not ok to hurt them that they feel overwhelming pain.
It is not ok to punish, it is not ok to inflict any kind of pain to them purposefully. He is talking about teaching natural consequences so they can be safe. He is not enabling bad parenting under the premise that it is ok to hurt them just a little bit if you think they deserve it because they are not listening to you😢
@@eugenianovillo4136I don’t want to promote or condone abuse or hurting children. I see how what I wrote promotes it. I do not approve of child abuse. I do think parents should nonviolently punish their children, however. Punishment does not have to be physical and I stand by saying that it is ok to use non-violent punishments. Children need consequences for breaking rules.
@@benjaminhewett3184spanking your kids isn’t child abuse. Beating them is. Anytime I see someone claim they’ve never laid a hand on their child at the same time has the worst behaved child in the room. Every single time.
@@cardboardtaco4503 🙋♀️ I haven't hit my child and he has a natural amount of crazy lol he listens 95% of the time and only has an issue when he's mainly really hungry or exhausted. I won't lay a hand on my child. There is so many other ways to grab their attention, and repeating things tends to help. Changing their direction to something else helps as well. My father slapped me decently well growing up and it most definitely caused the opposite for me. It also shows me you don't have control of your own emotions, yet expect to child to fully understand that pain inflicted on them means stop. Which isn't a good idea. By all means your child is your child. This is my personal opinion. I've seen many kids grow up just fine without having their asses getting struck.
Exactly what I did with my kids. I loved it because I could have a playful sweet attitude with them because they were adorable and yet... They learned mommy's the boss and she knows best😊
My dad just had to give me "the look" and I straightened up immediately. I grew up in a fairly Christian household and my parents never argued in front of me and my brother. Me and my mother had a tumultuous relationship up until I was in my late 20s, but i am so blessed with the relationship I have with my parents now.
Pretty close to the best advice I've gotten for raising kids - I think this falls under that umbrella: Always tell your kids the truth. If you tell them that something is wrong, that there will be a specific consequence for a certain action, but then you let something go, you've lied to your kids. What you've actually taught them is that your word doesn't mean what you say. What you actually teach your kids by being inconsistent is to push you, to test you, to find out exacly how far they can go before you snap and actually discipline them. This is why you end up with kids screaming and throwing fits - because they know that you're a pushover and if they push hard enough, you'll generally give in. It's incredibly unfair to the kids, and they'll actually be happier with defined boundaries, knowing that what you say is true. It's not about living in fear of consequences, it's about understanding that you can absolutely trust this person called your parent. The other part about always telling your kids the truch is, if you say that there will be a good outcome for a certain action, you'd better back that up too - otherwise you're just a domineering control freak.
Jordan is also 100% correct about not disciplining in anger. That's not discipline, it's punishment, and there's a definite difference there. You need to decide before the action takes place what the consequence will be. This actually pairs very well with many parent's tendency (particularly in the church) to hand out grace on things. You have grace the first time it happens, and this gives you the opportunity to decide what the consequence will be in the future.
@@songsthatarecatchy That made me laugh out loud. We joke like that all the time. 😅 But, in reality, I'd say it's the total opposite. Each child adds a whole new relationship and dimension to the family. When one is gone at an event or at work with dad, it's weird without them. I grew up with 7 siblings, I can't imagine what it would be like without even 1 of them!
@@Borninthewrongera I just don't understand how each child can get enough attention from each parent. How is it possible? My mother was all for big families and she was a neo conservative and all that but even she said that many children didn't make sense to her. I mean the amount you must have to work to care for all of them.... one kid costs so much money but 7? The price only doubles. From medical care to clothing and food.... I've also talked to people who grew up with a lot of siblings. My great grandfather had 8 siblings. He had one child. He said that was enough for him. Other people I've talked to with many siblings said they mostly took care of their younger siblings. Like a lot. Like all the time. And I don't think that's exactly fair either. I don't know what your private situation is, I'm sure you all love each other and all that. I'm glad I only had one sibling. I got to spend a lot of quality time with both of my parents. And I never felt alone in looking after my brother. Of course to each their own. Good luck and all that. Maybe it's time to start the next adventure in your life. Just focusing on the ones you have. Were you addicted to pregnancy? Some women are addicted to the state of being pregnant.
@songsthatarecatchy I genuinely appreciate the question. Honestly that is how I was raised. My parents divorced and my older sister and I were left to rule the roost ALOT. I am a very high energy and I don't need a ton of sleep. Even still, it is ALOT of work for me. My kids have a simple chore chart, but not a one if them even changes diapers or puts the baby to sleep. The older ones only babysit their siblings about once every 6 months or so. Of course, there are sacrifices. We don't eat out quite as much as we probably would if it didn't cost $150 every time we ate out, and I shop a lot at the thrift stores when someone grows 6 inches and needs a whole wardrobe. But my husband works REALLY hard and makes good money, so we aren't wealthy but we dont hurt for anything. We also homeschool, so I spend more time with each of my kids than the average mother of 2 spends with hers. It's ALOT and I'm exhausted often. But my kids are all in sports, 4-H, gymnastic and so on and they have active social lives. They have no idea how good they have it! I wouldn't change it for a thing. And we are moving on to the next phase of parenting, I feel total peace about how many we have. I do genuinely understand your question, though, as one of our friends has 14 kids and I can't even FATHOM how she pulls that off! I do see some cracks in their lifestyle, as some of the their kids are special needs and the others who don't "need much" fall through the cracks more than I would be okay with. Of course there is a point where it really is too many kids. But they only time I feel like that presently is if they all go down with a stomach bug. 🤣
@@Borninthewrongera I was homeschooled. Didn't really help me in the long run. In fact it did the opposite for me. I don't know if I would have been able to handle school but homeschooling was not good for my life in the long run. Actually sounds like you took on as much as you could handle. And that's pretty tough that your husband has to support everyone on his own. But he helped create them so that is his cross to bear. There is definitely a cap to having kids. For everyone. But you didn't answer the question about pregnancy addiction, were you addicted? it sounds like your friend is addicted to the state of being pregnant. Not good. You see the womb becomes less and less ideal with every pregnancy. Leading to many different issues from physical disabilities to mental or both. The DNA becomes more and more diluted and corrupted. 5 is nothing compared to 14. I think your friend could use some serious counseling. Probably her kids could too. And thanks I'll bring you and your friend up every time some bozo tries to give me crap about not wanting kids and the supposedly falling birth rate and blah blah blah. I tell people for every kid I'm not having there are people having 3 kids or more. Or 5 or more. Or 14. My Lord I hope He helps those kids. That lifestyle choice is not for everyone. Certainly not for me. God bless you and yours!
As a kid who grew up with no adults- I think environment matters most. So are they being influenced by? In my expirence one bad kid at school ruins a kid with no love at home. It's 2 am. Sorry for the ramble. As you were...
I just got up.and moved them as many times as it took while saying no. Later when he asked for something he couldn't have. I gave him 2 things to choose from that he could have. Before two. I could say no and he had learned no meant no everytime. And no doesn't mean he gets nothing every Tim. He never smoked, drank, did drugs, was permiscuous. He respected women and had fortitude to resist and wait for something meaningful. He is discipline and kind.
I had a similar conversation with a friend who asked how my kids (I have four aged 6 and under) had never broken a tv or computer monitor. I was stunned, and responded with “because I taught them to not pull at things on tables, and also not throw things in the house?” I can’t recall how many times I had to tell them “no” and redirect them, but clearly it paid off. Everyone mentions how pleasant my kids are to be around, so I’m very thankful that I’m raising decent kids.
Exactly, I’m not a parent but I see so many parents get frustrated because their kid doesn’t listen when they tell them no. When they didn’t even really teach them what no means, and times they have told their kid no, they allowed their kid to do the thing they didn’t want them to do.
Decades of hearing No without restraint is the current situation of the Government. We are in a sad state on every issue.. RFKJR and Jesus.. Thank you for your wisdom and courage..
Mr. Peterson, thank you for all that you do. I loved your books and re-read them when I feel I am overwhelmed and need some help processing my thoughts. Your assistance in my journey through life has been profound. Again, Thank you.
I know animals are different but I’ve never once had to raise my voice at my puppy or show anger. I can tell her “no” in the calmest way and she stops doing it. She’s also very obedient because she feels safe with me; I lead, provide, teach and nurture. She receives authority and even more love. A lot of things can cross over to a child.
100% certainty is the key. If you are 98% consistent your children will learn every detail about the 2%. What’s worse is that it says to them that you’re unpredictable, so say what you mean and do what you say you’ll do.
Straightforward and to the point. Same principle applies while driving: cusses, horn and road rage will never steer or stop a car. Steering wheel and break does.
I had to teach my little one to stop running away from me in the stores by having my man follow us to the store using a separate car and wait on standby. It never took long for our child to run off. As soon as she did, he’d catch up, scoop her up and take her home asap. As much as she loved shopping, it still took her about 20 trips to get that she cannot climb out if the cart or run off…but once she got it, she GOT it, and Dad didn’t need to follow us like a detective any longer.
When babysitting, if my niece got hurt, I would say “boo-boo”! The next time she approached a possible danger, I would say “no, boo-boo”. As time went on, if I just didn’t want her to do something, NO would usually suffice.
I taught my babies to touch plants gently and with care by speaking in a whisper, calling them over, and leading by example. They are kind gentle humans. They just need a little guidance. Not limited access.
I am not a parent yet, however I think this could be very helpful to new and existing parents. Thank you again Dr. Peterson, your wisdom and advice will help future generations.
He's said this numerous times. I feel like this may be the most relatable and simplistic way to put this. Many of the topics covered by Jordan are difficult to understand, including this one. This short perfectly encapsulated the art of behavior modification perfectly at the toddler stage.
That is a fascinating way to deal with the situation. No one got hurt, everything is calm, and the baby learns consequences in an incredibly simple way. That reminds me a bit of training animals: you have to be simple and firm without being violent because their brains don't work the same way ours do. And we also use praise to let them know when they've done right.
Love Equals discipline. Not enough parents these days are using it!! Thank you jordan, You truly give us inspiration and teach us Something good each day!! Sending love!
My word, this translates to dealing with bullies, too. They’ll keep testing and pushing, then when you say no, in many instances they “cry” in their own ways, saying you’re the problem. If they don’t listen to you when you say “no”, fix your response or find someone they will listen to stat.
I've noticed that parents who use corporal punishment as a primary means of discipline always want to brag about the time they went overboard and think them being angry is an excuse. I always ask them "is that the best memory you have with your children?"
Not at that age, BUT you do want to give age appropriate explanations as they get older, because as we learned from studying Germans post-WW2, teaching kids with the "Because I said so" mentality generates adults more likely to submit to authoritarianism
if you are angry when you are disciplining your child, you have waited to long... THIS SPEAKS SO MUCH ABOUT GROWN UPS TOO. THEY ARE WAY TO SCARED OR WHATEVER TO MAKE A BOUNDARY SO THEY WILL GET MAD AND ANGRY AND THEN BLOW UP TO PEOPLE
I'm a new parent, and I'd love an episode or series of JBP's parenting guidance. I save any clips I find of him offering advice like this. I really want to be a good Dad, and little tips like this are invaluable.
This works! I have three kids, and all of them were very well behaved. Never pitched fits or threw themselves on the floor or anything like that. I get compliments on them all the time still and they are no longer toddlers. They are 8,11 and 24 Consistency and follow through Our key. But if you stay consistent, it will work. You might have to repeat some thing so many times but eventually they will get it. Start early and you won’t have to worry about a misbehave child when they’re three or four.
Perfect way of raising a defeated human... I tried it Mr Peterson. And I was NOT angry, but the child then treats my word as such a physical barrier that when I would say stop to a 3 year old they would stop immediately. Now that respect has spread to other authority figures such as teachers meaning they are really well behaved but their own will has been squashed and developed their character meaning it's now near irreversible
This feels exactly like the conviction of the Holy Spirit.... When someone has been doing something, and God decides "Hello human!" ..... we might still do the same action, but for the first time ever, now it feels wrong. Why did said action feel wrong? The Holy Spirit is real, that's why...
The absolute best compliment I have been given is when my 24 year old son told his 14 year old brother (when he thought i was not listening) "Dude.... do what mom says, cuz when she says she is going to do something..... she always follows through. 100% of the time. I guarantee you!!" 😂😂😂 Consistency is always the key. Lovingly and consistently ❤
The giant god's not giving me what I want? That sucks but I'll get over it and learn to enjoy what the giant god is giving me. The giant god is calmly and consistently taking things away from me if I do certain things? Man that sucks too, I guess I'll just not do those things and enjoy what the giant god allows me to do. The giant god is angry with me and telling me I'm evil? That's worse than death.
Facts are not feelings.kids have to learn when Mom/Dad says no it means no. It prevents getting electrocuted with the bobby pin in the socket, burned by the iron or stove, or drowning in the pool. No discipline leads to an injured or dead child. Or a purple green haired idiot sitting in the middle of the road.
I train horses and tell people this so often it's become a mantra. Emotions should never factor into conditioning. If you're angry, put the horse away because you will never make the right choices if you're upset. When you've been doing it this long, after starting countless horses, you have confidence that your way will work so all that's required is patience and consistency. Most parents only have a kid or two so they look to the previous generations, which unfortunately also sometimes had no idea and were abusive.
My sweet son listened to me as I explained everything to him, from day one. His father, however, taught him to lie to me about what his father should not have been doing.
Does this work in any way on dementia patients? Serious question, because some patients with AD can tell you if they liked or disliked breakfast, but they can't tell you what it was that they ate. Theoretically, it's because dementia patients sometimes have a sort of memory from the amygdala, when the hippocampus is compromised. Is this behavior modification in the very young a function of the amygdala, the hippocampus, or both?
Best parenting advise my mother ever gave me… “No means No!” My kids always knew I meant it…even as teenagers. I never had to get angry or upset. My kids never had tantrums because trying harder to get what they wanted would’ve been a waste of their energy, and they knew it.
Conditioning works. I’ve conditioned my 6-mo old niece to stop crying whenever I’m around to tend to her needs. Whenever she starts to cry for anything-i.e., wanting to be picked up from the crib, wanting to have a companion in the room, etc-I patiently stand & wait until she’s done crying. I stonewall her. The very moment she stops crying, I smile & pick her up &/or pickup something she wants. She’s realized that her crying will not elicit a response from me. Her stop-crying conditioning *with* *my* *presence* is a stark contrast to that with her new parents’: whenever I visit & I find her crying, she immediately stops & smiles the moment she sees me-almost abashed that I caught her crying.😊👍
That’s how my husband and I raised our son. He was just the apple of our eyes. Such a pleasure to be around. It’s frustrating to see how parents these days won’t even try to make their children behave. They could have such wonderful times as a family. Such a shame.
AMEN!! And like he said “you may have to do it ten times” before the child will learn, but eventually you won’t need to, and like he said after that, just saying “no” is enough. But you have to be CONSISTENT!!! If you start to feel bad and frequently give in to the child it won’t work. As much as Dr Peterson saying ‘if you’re angry when you do it, it’s too late’ hits home for people, it made me think about my childhood. We got this type of discipline but we also got physically disciplined aka-got ‘beat’ aka-whoopings too, but as I got older I noticed that even though I was the good kid, that in 6th or 7th grade I started waking myself up for school getting ready and walking to the bus stop. I got really good grades, studied hard, didn’t get into any trouble (probably because I was pretty damn shy/quiet kid) I hung out with friends and didn’t break the rules or get in trouble with the law or anything, but for some reason as I got older my mother was beating me and was so angry with me but it was for the weirdest smallest things or there were a lot of times that I didn’t even know what I did wrong! If it was small silly things at least I knew what it was (although I wouldn’t understand why I was being punished so harshly!) but the times I had no clue why she was beating me I would rack my brain trying to think if there was something I had said that I didn’t realize was bad/disrespectful or if it was something I did and I could never figure it out! I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask her to find out so I just dealt with it; but I’m not gonna lie it messed with my head like “WTF why was she so angry!?! what did I do/say!?! what could I possibly have done for her to be so angry!?!” And now, many many years later now that I’m an adult I still don’t understand it and she’s still incredibly angry with me most of the time. I’ve tried politely asking to try to figure it out and she flipped out (just as she did when I was a kid) screaming at me, getting in my face, saying all types of hurtful things about she didn’t want me, still doesn’t, doesn’t care if I live or die (I have several chronic illnesses and can be very sick at times) that I could drop dead tomorrow and she wouldn’t care. She even took advantage of me being very sick (I’d been sick for 5-6 days, I was in a lot of pain, hadn’t slept or eaten in that time, and was pretty weak because of a flare of a couple of my illnesses at once & I’d been in the ER for 8-10 hours the day before) and flipped out screaming waking me up, mad about me being sick and started beating the crap outta me. It’s my mother so I’m not going to hit her so I just did my best to block her punches & kicks (I fell down a couple times cause I was so weak) then started choking me out but thankfully someone stopped her. She did again a year or two later under similar circumstances, about two days after I’d had a mystery mass taken off my body and she attacked me again. I’ve yet to receive any apologies for any of the nasty things she’s said to me or for physically attacking me, she just acts like nothing happened and I stopped trying to understand cause you can’t have a conversation with her, she’ll just start screaming like a lunatic, get in your face, blaming everything on me (or whomever it is) and then assault me (or whomever it is) I’ve come to terms that she just hates me plain & simple 🤷♀️ so not all parents are plain & simple disciplining their kids!
I agree, especially if you’re doing it out of helping the child how to understand rather than your own frustration. That’s the key. Toddlers are full rambunctious so you need to actually create a whole room of do anything to help them learn optimally. That doesn’t mean you don’t teach them how the world works.
My father only had to spank me one time in my entire life. Every other time he wanted me to not do something all he had to do was give me the look. That’s the honest truth that he only spank me one time my entire life.RIP dad
@@eugenianovillo4136, ok doctor dad. Raised two kids myself. Only spank my sons behind lightly once when he tried to run in traffic. He never ran into traffic again after that. If you’re not angry when you convey the importance of discipline; the child understands and doesn’t associate it with a traumatic experience. Context, and motive; with intention. Is understood by toddlers. It’s about staying calm. My hand patting my sons behind is better than a car bumper slapping his head.
yeah! I didn't even need to be talked to. My dad would just beat me with a belt until I couldn't stand and I turned out great. Sure I randomly sob and am terrified of men, women, just anyone and I'm posting this under a freeway but you don't need to talk to your kids cause I turned out great.
Sorry that happened to you, I have a similar upbringing but can differentiate between abuse and discipline. I have 2 kids, and if you get consequences and rewards right when they’re young it’s much easier to negotiate with them when they’re older because you’ve built a stable sense of right and wrong.
I used to do this with my son!!!! It really works! Now he is 2 and a half and doesn't get into anything. I would also always comfort him when he cried though.
How long were you goung to do that, until he's a 6 foot tall teenager? Tell them no so that your stuff can stay where you want it to be, not where you have to move it around to keep it safe.
i have been questioning my methods recently because i have a very stubborn 16 month old (wonder where he got that from) who challenges me in what seems like mostly everything these days…but watching this has reassured me that i’ve been handling it the way im supposed to. having to be consistent is the difficult part because im having to check myself to not lose control over my own emotions.
That “100% certainty is more important that people think. Everyone has had that one teacher who would punish randomly and no one ever knew when or by how much they could break the rules. They had no control over the class room and students didn’t know what exactly what was expected of them. Same thing with parents. It just makes for an unpleasant time for everyone.
I tried that on my daughter 6 years ago when you first time talking about this.. so she took that as a game and will come to me to put her leg in my hand and start crawling.. thanks Jordan 😆🤣🤣
I make it more of a positive, happy thing by having a togetherness attitude and an encouraging voice rather than a stiff attitude with a demanding command, because it sets it up to be a trusting, positive emotional dynamic rather than a battle of wills. I guess it really depends on the child, though, and how responsive and stubborn/agreeable they are.
“If you’re angry when disciplining your child, you’ve waited too long” is something I’ve felt but didn’t know how to say. Thank you Jordan, I wholeheartedly agree with you.
Me too. This really struck a cord with me as well. I often wait too long it seems.
It is worth noting the same is often true when communicating with a partner. You shouldn't wait till you are quite upset to bring something up.
Also just like with a child if you do get very angry it's often worth taking a moment to release your anger before confrontation if it couldn't be addressed on time.
Also true and it is exactly the same as with a puppy.
My god! what a powerful statement
That exact phrase and his explanation would've helped so much longa ago. He said it perfectly
“If you’re angry…you’ve waited too long”
This is good advice for setting boundaries with anyone
Makes me see babies all around
@@spe-entertain Yup! You got it
Excellent advice for dealing with all people in your life. You're absolutely right.
I didn't think of it like that. That's very good insight. I need to remember this.
Not if the solution is force them to do what you want with physical abuse. Jordan pretty much explained learned helplessness here. Something we use to teach dogs.. not children
‘With 100% certainty’ is the key - you have to follow through. Great video!
Slowly building a sense of right and wrong. Works wonders when they get older! Have to be able to differentiate between abuse and discipline.
What are you supposed to do? He never mentioned a punishment
@@laurenj6771 research the differences between consequences and punishments for children.
@@laurenj6771I always chose the punishment I can live with.I was grounded as a child. I chose not to do that but tv and videogames which were not the best for them in the first place were my go to.I could stick to my guns with that.Following through is the most important factor and not caving.
@@blanchecarte963 That makes sense, a consequence should benefit them as well, not just be punitive. But how do you follow through with a consequence for an infant since they don’t do anything like video games😂
Damn Jordan... "If you're angry when you're disciplining your children, you've waited too long." This is PROFOUND 💯💯👏👏
He doesn't how to not be profound!
It's not that profound. Christ.
You probably think a dog turd is profound.
@@ernestmorgan5924and you don’t know grammar. If you disagree with this video, I pray you don’t have kids cuz I’m sure with 100% certainty that you’re a profoundly bad parent.
The apostle Paul, and Peter both said this in the first century ad. Just open the book up.
Er...not really, it's just common sense
No is a word some parents need to learn to say. It's not abuse, it's discipline. Thank you Jordan, Master of every subject! 😊
That means he’s a master baiter
@@ErieAscetic-vc2kg gotta ask him if he goes fishing and you'll know
Discipline is the most important thing in life. You learn that as you get older.
I think you learn most of it as a child, but those lessons for sure create discipline as you grow. I can’t believe how many times in life that I look back to disciplines given to me by my parents and grandparents that made be a better person throughout my life. Pushing 70 now and so proud of my family and how they taught me which was passed to my children who are doing the same for their children! Have a great day!
sad part is, if you grow up without dicipline, it's much harder for you to be diciplined and people look down upon you cause you're not "diciplined" yet it's 99% your upbringing, same with weight, overweight children have a very hard time with weight when they're adults, blame the parents. Not saying that you shouldn't recieve critics about how you are as a person but it's not always your fault
@@ihdiadgdhwbad1 I’m not sure if it comes from heredity or discipline, but I have two daughters, three sisters, seven nieces an nephew’s and six grandchildren and only three of those are overweight (hefty), not obese by any means, but none in my immediate family! Both of my parents great grandparents came from Sweden in the 1870’s. It could be linked to DNA traits, but growing up we always ate respectfully and were all very active, as are most of the grandkids in the family.
Nah weed is, 420 bruh
Disagree. Liberty and freedom are the most important; second to life itself.
They WILL test your boundaries. Consistency is key!!!!! Stay consistent and if they push it, follow through with consequences. It hurts, no one enjoys seeing their baby cry, but it is important for their development and safety.
They have to test your boundaries. They need to know the boundaries for their own safety and it is important that they'll try to find those boundaries.
You should be worried when a kid isn't doing that.
I'll add one thing. If you follow through on your word, even if it's a negative consequence, and you're consistent, you show the value of your word. That earns their trust even if they don't like what you do when they misbehave. They know you don't just talk the talk.
No one enjoys seeing their baby cry but people enjoy knowing their baby is learning as a consequence
@ankavoskuilen1725 right, the kid isn't evil for testing the boundaries. That's how they learn what can and can't be done. They need you there to prevent them from doing something dangerous so they learn a new boundary for something that isn't safe.
@@pureoxin8135 to be clear though babies don't need harsh consequences. The stern look with a firm no while restricting them from forbidden item will work. Also not smiling and laughing at misbehavior because it reinforces the behavior. You think high chair messes are funny until that kids is mess when eating out in public.
As a mom who ended up becoming a single mother when the children were very young...7 months and 4....I lacked consistency. This greatly affected my children and I totally regret it. They are now in their 3O's. We talk about it now. I have apologized. Most important thing I know is choose the parent of your future child well and do the work to stay married!
This is what I would call true gentle parenting. You as a parent understanding that you are the adult and you need to teach your child to be the best person they could be. You don’t have to do that with corporal punishment or yelling or anything else. Just be firm, calm, and keep your consequences consistent.
Meekness truly is strength, not weakness.
Exactly. 'No' said with kindness and gentleness but utter, immovable seriousness.
This has nothing to do with gentle parenting.
The child in this example is not able to understand "no" yet. What it learns is having to fear.
That's actually how mother monkeys teach their young.
They hold them by the leg or tail, and each time she let's go, if the baby heads back towards the "no no" she holds his leg again. Eventually, he stops and throws a little tantrum, then lies on his tummy defeated. Then she brings the baby into her arms and holds him lovingly.
That sounds a bit rapey
I think showing love is such a key part of it--teach your kids that disciplining them is an extension of your love. Goes right along with "if your angry you've waited too long"
Some* mother monkeys do that. Some others do horrible things. Some are even cannibals. Sorry. Had to say it.
Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of, that's how monkey moms behave
Wow I love this ❤
I have always stuck to two rules when teaching discipline to young kids:
1. No means No! 100% of the time.
2. Have more determination to teach them, than they have stubbornness to resist being taught!
I will now be adding a 3rd:
3. If you are angry at them, you waited too long to deal with it.
Thanks Dr Peterson.
Edit: point 2 originally said ‘be more stubborn than they are’ but folks seemed to get riled up about the word stubborn, so i have expanded upon what i meant.
#2 is a negative trait.
To knowingly choose the action of stubborn.
@@rudygarcia7387 it just means that if they throw a tantrum and resist doing what they are told, you cant give in, you have to be more stubborn than they are and outlast them! Eventually they will realise that there is no point arguing as they wont win.
@@Veran1337 Correct! Stubborn has taken on a negative connotation in today's society. Be more Persistent. A parent must have the persistency to teach proper behavior to the child or the child will run rough shod the household, the classroom, the schoolyard, the workplace, in marriage, & become just as ineffectual parent as the parent who didn't remain persistent a generation before. Outlast through persistence & love, & if someone calls it "stubborn", so be it. At least the child is not spoiled, ruling the show, & running around, doing whatever, unchecked.
Honestly come on people. The ,dare I say, average person, understands what JP is saying. And the word stubborn is just being taken to a ridiculous level. Somethings just don't need to be dissected like this. It's called common sense.
In my 36 years teaching experience, there were many examples of parents who told me that their child behaved "childishly" because they were a child, and when they were adults, they would behave maturely. There is no magic day when any child starts behaving responsibly and maturely. The magic happens when parents consistently discipline in love. That's why parenting is another full-time 24 hr job. There are no shortcuts. It takes a lot of time and putting one's self out of convenience or what was planned. The rewards are amazing and last beyond a lifetime!
That also depends how mature the child is on their own. Not everyone matures in the house by discipline from their parents
Some things are just childishness that they'll grow out of: tipping your milk over at the dinner table.
Disobedience and rebellion are not some of those things, though.
When talking with younger parents who are frustrated, I tell them that consistency is key. Also, hold to your word. If you say they are going to get a timeout, give them a timeout. Don't just threaten without follow through. They have to know that when you say something, you mean it.
You're frustrated because you think they mean it and they don't follow through. You need to understand that they don't actually mean it. Then it's not frustrating just as it isn't frustrating for the kids doing whatever they want
Just a few hours ago, I was at a store, waiting in line to check out. I could hear a child screaming and crying “I WANT IT!!!” Over and over. Probably a good 5 minutes, while waiting (one cashier, and there’s always that one person in line that for some reason makes it go slower)
After a few minutes I hear “if I get it will you SHUT UP?!” That woman just taught her child “scream really loud for 5 minutes and you’ll get what you want”. Pretty much guaranteed she’d have to deal with this over and over again.
Whenever I see this situation in public I praise God I never had children. 😂
@@songsthatarecatchyif you are consistent like in the video you won't have to experience the story in the comment
@@olorinistar9903 I have experienced the story in the comment.
I stated that.
Very unpleasant.
The person who made the comment also experienced it.
I feel like there are many of those “children” in public now.
“I want this because I want it!”
“If I give it to you will you shut up?”
The spectrum is large on this. It starts with something as simple as candy and it could end with something as complex as changing who you were born as.
“I want this bc I want it! Me…Me…Me!!!!!”
@@stickmonkey23 I mean it definitely happened during the 90's and early 00s when I was growing up a lot.
Me and my brother knew better.
We knew that if we behaved we *may* get a reward of some type or maybe just a thank you for being good.
We weren't allowed to throw some tantrum in public.
These people today aren't parenting. They're barely surviving their own kids!
Facts! Discipline starts young.
Absolutely excellent advice! AND this type of discipline MUST commence during the baby stage - some parents allow their kids to grow up undisciplined and then expect them to behave when they’re 10 / 11 / 12 ++ - too TOO late. The ship has sailed!!
actually exactly the same with all mammals 😅❤😊
100%. My two year old with "the terrible twos" is actually super manageable, because we've always been consistent. Consistency is key.
@@paulwyleciol3459 So true but isn't it incredible how a responsible owner of a well trained dog can be completely incompetent at rearing a child. 😏😏
It's never to late. I'm teaching my step children starting a week ago when they came to live with us. Three 7 year old triplet girls, boys are 9, 12 ,16. My wife and her ex husband did the complete opposite of what peterson just said and I'm going to fix it. It's not easy for me and them either but they are still children waiting to me molded into respectful young men and women.
still that all sounds disreapectfull ... "molded" "form" , we have too many good solders serving ower owners without any thought of conplaint ... if taking this in consideration as well? ...
On a side note, as a man who is generally quite easy going and relaxed and is happy to help anyone with anything, but who grew up in a 1st generation irish/maltese family who are forces of nature at the best of times, and apocalyptic at the worst!
Since i don’t mind helping people. I found strong willed people generally assume they can boss me about since I am usually happy to do what ever they ask…
I made it a rule. When i have to spend a lot of time with someone who is strong willed, I wait for them to ask a minor favour of me which is inconsequential, and i flat refuse with a polite but firm ‘no’. Said bluntly it will usually surprise them, and for an explanation i usually say something like ‘i dont want to’ or ‘its not convenient for me’ . After that i return to my normal self and am happy to help them with what-ever as often as they ask (which is how i prefer to be normally).
I have found that this ensures they understand from day 1 that just because i am easy going and like to help people, that doesn’t mean i am a push over and can be bullied about.
Works 100% of the time so far….been doing it for 20 years.
Just now learning this at 62!!!
I do this too, they may complain a bit but eh xD
Of course everyone on camera is going to be at their best.
An old saying: the first time you meet someone that is the best they will be. All downhill after that.
I can see these shrinks have never been in the infantry in combat. You better be a tough dude.
Nothing works 100% of the time. I am 76 and nothing in this world is 100%. Stop the BS and come down to reality. Classroom is one thing, and reality is where the rubber meets the road. These Shrinks are only classroom where everything works in that environment. I took my daughter to one of these many years ago, and she manipulated the Shrink to give her medicine she didn't need. I said hell no, and she turned out just fine. Common sense is better than BS.
Yes...this is so important. I have to do this with my sister as she thinks she can take liberties the minute you say yes.
When I see someone struggle to parent most of the time they're yelling empty threats at their kids. Don't threaten...love them before, during and after a punishment. My kids know I hate punishing them...they're very aware I will though.
This!!
Tone pf voice helps, too. Babies instinctively understand tones. Low tones = seriousness, high pitch airy tones = happiness. Seriously, I teach 1th grade, and it workes on almost all kids I've met.
You teach first grade and you write 1th instead of 1st??
@shaunmail2083 I don't teach in English. There are other parts of the world then the US 😊 and a youtube comment is not where I focus my hardest on writing correct grammar
Notice the keywords. Not hard and not angry. Discipline is a matter of teaching. And that is what distinguishes it from abuse. It is ok to teach your child consequences. It is ok to discipline and punish your child. It is not ok to hurt them that they feel overwhelming pain.
It is not ok to punish, it is not ok to inflict any kind of pain to them purposefully. He is talking about teaching natural consequences so they can be safe. He is not enabling bad parenting under the premise that it is ok to hurt them just a little bit if you think they deserve it because they are not listening to you😢
@@eugenianovillo4136I don’t want to promote or condone abuse or hurting children. I see how what I wrote promotes it. I do not approve of child abuse. I do think parents should nonviolently punish their children, however. Punishment does not have to be physical and I stand by saying that it is ok to use non-violent punishments. Children need consequences for breaking rules.
I don't think you have ever had a kid that would hump like a wiener dog.
@@benjaminhewett3184spanking your kids isn’t child abuse. Beating them is. Anytime I see someone claim they’ve never laid a hand on their child at the same time has the worst behaved child in the room. Every single time.
@@cardboardtaco4503 🙋♀️ I haven't hit my child and he has a natural amount of crazy lol he listens 95% of the time and only has an issue when he's mainly really hungry or exhausted. I won't lay a hand on my child. There is so many other ways to grab their attention, and repeating things tends to help. Changing their direction to something else helps as well.
My father slapped me decently well growing up and it most definitely caused the opposite for me. It also shows me you don't have control of your own emotions, yet expect to child to fully understand that pain inflicted on them means stop. Which isn't a good idea.
By all means your child is your child. This is my personal opinion. I've seen many kids grow up just fine without having their asses getting struck.
Yes, only works if total consistency is adhered to. Jordan is so brilliant. Such a wise and interesting human being.
Only 100% certainty if you stay consistent, don’t let them get away with it once!
100% consistency is for Nazi parents and isn't realistic.
Exactly what I did with my kids. I loved it because I could have a playful sweet attitude with them because they were adorable and yet... They learned mommy's the boss and she knows best😊
My dad just had to give me "the look" and I straightened up immediately. I grew up in a fairly Christian household and my parents never argued in front of me and my brother. Me and my mother had a tumultuous relationship up until I was in my late 20s, but i am so blessed with the relationship I have with my parents now.
I’m a pediatrician and I agree with Dr. Petersen 100% here. CONSISTENCY is an absolute parenting necessity.
Pretty close to the best advice I've gotten for raising kids - I think this falls under that umbrella:
Always tell your kids the truth. If you tell them that something is wrong, that there will be a specific consequence for a certain action, but then you let something go, you've lied to your kids. What you've actually taught them is that your word doesn't mean what you say. What you actually teach your kids by being inconsistent is to push you, to test you, to find out exacly how far they can go before you snap and actually discipline them. This is why you end up with kids screaming and throwing fits - because they know that you're a pushover and if they push hard enough, you'll generally give in. It's incredibly unfair to the kids, and they'll actually be happier with defined boundaries, knowing that what you say is true. It's not about living in fear of consequences, it's about understanding that you can absolutely trust this person called your parent. The other part about always telling your kids the truch is, if you say that there will be a good outcome for a certain action, you'd better back that up too - otherwise you're just a domineering control freak.
Jordan is also 100% correct about not disciplining in anger. That's not discipline, it's punishment, and there's a definite difference there. You need to decide before the action takes place what the consequence will be. This actually pairs very well with many parent's tendency (particularly in the church) to hand out grace on things. You have grace the first time it happens, and this gives you the opportunity to decide what the consequence will be in the future.
I have 7 kids, he is absolutely correct.
Quantity over quality?😂
@@songsthatarecatchy That made me laugh out loud. We joke like that all the time. 😅 But, in reality, I'd say it's the total opposite. Each child adds a whole new relationship and dimension to the family. When one is gone at an event or at work with dad, it's weird without them. I grew up with 7 siblings, I can't imagine what it would be like without even 1 of them!
@@Borninthewrongera I just don't understand how each child can get enough attention from each parent.
How is it possible?
My mother was all for big families and she was a neo conservative and all that but even she said that many children didn't make sense to her.
I mean the amount you must have to work to care for all of them.... one kid costs so much money but 7?
The price only doubles.
From medical care to clothing and food....
I've also talked to people who grew up with a lot of siblings. My great grandfather had 8 siblings.
He had one child. He said that was enough for him.
Other people I've talked to with many siblings said they mostly took care of their younger siblings.
Like a lot. Like all the time.
And I don't think that's exactly fair either.
I don't know what your private situation is, I'm sure you all love each other and all that.
I'm glad I only had one sibling.
I got to spend a lot of quality time with both of my parents.
And I never felt alone in looking after my brother.
Of course to each their own. Good luck and all that.
Maybe it's time to start the next adventure in your life.
Just focusing on the ones you have.
Were you addicted to pregnancy?
Some women are addicted to the state of being pregnant.
@songsthatarecatchy I genuinely appreciate the question. Honestly that is how I was raised. My parents divorced and my older sister and I were left to rule the roost ALOT. I am a very high energy and I don't need a ton of sleep. Even still, it is ALOT of work for me. My kids have a simple chore chart, but not a one if them even changes diapers or puts the baby to sleep. The older ones only babysit their siblings about once every 6 months or so. Of course, there are sacrifices. We don't eat out quite as much as we probably would if it didn't cost $150 every time we ate out, and I shop a lot at the thrift stores when someone grows 6 inches and needs a whole wardrobe. But my husband works REALLY hard and makes good money, so we aren't wealthy but we dont hurt for anything. We also homeschool, so I spend more time with each of my kids than the average mother of 2 spends with hers. It's ALOT and I'm exhausted often. But my kids are all in sports, 4-H, gymnastic and so on and they have active social lives. They have no idea how good they have it! I wouldn't change it for a thing. And we are moving on to the next phase of parenting, I feel total peace about how many we have. I do genuinely understand your question, though, as one of our friends has 14 kids and I can't even FATHOM how she pulls that off! I do see some cracks in their lifestyle, as some of the their kids are special needs and the others who don't "need much" fall through the cracks more than I would be okay with. Of course there is a point where it really is too many kids. But they only time I feel like that presently is if they all go down with a stomach bug. 🤣
@@Borninthewrongera I was homeschooled.
Didn't really help me in the long run.
In fact it did the opposite for me. I don't know if I would have been able to handle school but homeschooling was not good for my life in the long run.
Actually sounds like you took on as much as you could handle.
And that's pretty tough that your husband has to support everyone on his own.
But he helped create them so that is his cross to bear.
There is definitely a cap to having kids. For everyone.
But you didn't answer the question about pregnancy addiction, were you addicted? it sounds like your friend is addicted to the state of being pregnant. Not good.
You see the womb becomes less and less ideal with every pregnancy.
Leading to many different issues from physical disabilities to mental or both.
The DNA becomes more and more diluted and corrupted.
5 is nothing compared to 14.
I think your friend could use some serious counseling. Probably her kids could too.
And thanks I'll bring you and your friend up every time some bozo tries to give me crap about not wanting kids and the supposedly falling birth rate and blah blah blah.
I tell people for every kid I'm not having there are people having 3 kids or more.
Or 5 or more.
Or 14.
My Lord I hope He helps those kids.
That lifestyle choice is not for everyone. Certainly not for me.
God bless you and yours!
My brother forebode all family members to use “no” with his child. I recommended starting a fund for bail
Oh no.
My dad always thought us not to say no to kids.
Lol ! Realistic suggestion !
@@tinaahmadi983why
As a kid who grew up with no adults- I think environment matters most. So are they being influenced by? In my expirence one bad kid at school ruins a kid with no love at home.
It's 2 am. Sorry for the ramble. As you were...
I just got up.and moved them as many times as it took while saying no. Later when he asked for something he couldn't have. I gave him 2 things to choose from that he could have. Before two. I could say no and he had learned no meant no everytime. And no doesn't mean he gets nothing every Tim. He never smoked, drank, did drugs, was permiscuous. He respected women and had fortitude to resist and wait for something meaningful. He is discipline and kind.
The consistency necessary to produce certainty in the heart and mind of the child is absolutely the whole ball game. You cannot falter even once.
This man has a powerful perspective, God bless him ❤
This is why parenting is hard; the parent has to be emotionally stronger than the child and not give up. Having well behaved children is a joy!
I love this mans teachings
You should try the Teaches of Peaches. Peaches will school you good.
I had a similar conversation with a friend who asked how my kids (I have four aged 6 and under) had never broken a tv or computer monitor.
I was stunned, and responded with “because I taught them to not pull at things on tables, and also not throw things in the house?”
I can’t recall how many times I had to tell them “no” and redirect them, but clearly it paid off.
Everyone mentions how pleasant my kids are to be around, so I’m very thankful that I’m raising decent kids.
Exactly, I’m not a parent but I see so many parents get frustrated because their kid doesn’t listen when they tell them no. When they didn’t even really teach them what no means, and times they have told their kid no, they allowed their kid to do the thing they didn’t want them to do.
Exactly!!! Words mean nothing to a child an action has to be attached for them to understand
''if u keep doing that..'' gave me chills. sounds just like my grandad
Decades of hearing No without restraint is the current situation of the Government. We are in a sad state on every issue.. RFKJR and Jesus.. Thank you for your wisdom and courage..
I like RFK Jr however he really has no chance at all which after hearing what he stands for I couldn’t support him anyways.
Mr. Peterson, thank you for all that you do. I loved your books and re-read them when I feel I am overwhelmed and need some help processing my thoughts.
Your assistance in my journey through life has been profound.
Again, Thank you.
Agree.
I have done this with my 5 children when they were very young. Never had any problems as they grew up into teens and beyond.
I know animals are different but I’ve never once had to raise my voice at my puppy or show anger. I can tell her “no” in the calmest way and she stops doing it.
She’s also very obedient because she feels safe with me; I lead, provide, teach and nurture. She receives authority and even more love.
A lot of things can cross over to a child.
100% certainty is the key. If you are 98% consistent your children will learn every detail about the 2%. What’s worse is that it says to them that you’re unpredictable, so say what you mean and do what you say you’ll do.
Straightforward and to the point.
Same principle applies while driving: cusses, horn and road rage will never steer or stop a car. Steering wheel and break does.
I had to teach my little one to stop running away from me in the stores by having my man follow us to the store using a separate car and wait on standby. It never took long for our child to run off. As soon as she did, he’d catch up, scoop her up and take her home asap. As much as she loved shopping, it still took her about 20 trips to get that she cannot climb out if the cart or run off…but once she got it, she GOT it, and Dad didn’t need to follow us like a detective any longer.
Nooooooo I had a well-thought-out long and honoring reply to your comment...it has been taken down.
Praise to you and your husband for being so diligent in raising your child in this way!
This is the most compassionate, intelligent, and understanding man. I love listening and using his advice. ❤
When babysitting, if my niece got hurt, I would say “boo-boo”! The next time she approached a possible danger, I would say “no, boo-boo”. As time went on, if I just didn’t want her to do something, NO would usually suffice.
I taught my babies to touch plants gently and with care by speaking in a whisper, calling them over, and leading by example. They are kind gentle humans. They just need a little guidance. Not limited access.
JP's advice has been amazing. Spoken from a father, who never had a father in his life.
This kind of quality content is why I keep coming back.
In behavior analysis we call that “shaping” when you shape behavior:)
Based and ABA pilled.
I am not a parent yet, however I think this could be very helpful to new and existing parents. Thank you again Dr. Peterson, your wisdom and advice will help future generations.
Actions have consequences. That's the basic thing taught here. Kids don't learn by thinking but rather by seeing it played out.
Consequences and punishment are not the same. He teaches the kid in that example to fear punishment
He's said this numerous times. I feel like this may be the most relatable and simplistic way to put this. Many of the topics covered by Jordan are difficult to understand, including this one. This short perfectly encapsulated the art of behavior modification perfectly at the toddler stage.
That is a fascinating way to deal with the situation. No one got hurt, everything is calm, and the baby learns consequences in an incredibly simple way. That reminds me a bit of training animals: you have to be simple and firm without being violent because their brains don't work the same way ours do. And we also use praise to let them know when they've done right.
It's exactly how you train an animal. Babies are not animals.
Humans are animals. Babies are humans. So babies are animals. Don't think you human are too special
Love Equals discipline. Not enough parents these days are using it!! Thank you jordan, You truly give us inspiration and teach us Something good each day!! Sending love!
His suits just keep getting better! 😄
No, they're weird. Looks like some hidden Messages and symbols in there.
My word, this translates to dealing with bullies, too. They’ll keep testing and pushing, then when you say no, in many instances they “cry” in their own ways, saying you’re the problem. If they don’t listen to you when you say “no”, fix your response or find someone they will listen to stat.
I've noticed that parents who use corporal punishment as a primary means of discipline always want to brag about the time they went overboard and think them being angry is an excuse. I always ask them "is that the best memory you have with your children?"
Yes, thank you.
Being consequent is so important.
Wow no “timeout and talking it though”.😂😂😂😂 Back to reality - YES!!!
EDIT: I wish there was a “facetious” emoji….🤦🏼♂️😂
Not at that age, BUT you do want to give age appropriate explanations as they get older, because as we learned from studying Germans post-WW2, teaching kids with the "Because I said so" mentality generates adults more likely to submit to authoritarianism
He's talking about dealing with a BABY, not a young child.
if you are angry when you are disciplining your child, you have waited to long... THIS SPEAKS SO MUCH ABOUT GROWN UPS TOO. THEY ARE WAY TO SCARED OR WHATEVER TO MAKE A BOUNDARY SO THEY WILL GET MAD AND ANGRY AND THEN BLOW UP TO PEOPLE
I'm a new parent, and I'd love an episode or series of JBP's parenting guidance.
I save any clips I find of him offering advice like this.
I really want to be a good Dad, and little tips like this are invaluable.
This works! I have three kids, and all of them were very well behaved. Never pitched fits or threw themselves on the floor or anything like that. I get compliments on them all the time still and they are no longer toddlers. They are 8,11 and 24
Consistency and follow through Our key. But if you stay consistent, it will work. You might have to repeat some thing so many times but eventually they will get it. Start early and you won’t have to worry about a misbehave child when they’re three or four.
This is the Jordan Peterson I miss. He is at his best when talking about human behavioural patterns and interactions. More of this again please
I love this man ! He is so smart I’ve been hooked . He is so informal!
Dr Peterson is an oracle of truth as far as I'm concerned. I haven't yet cracked the code of the sport coats though.
The really fancy ones number 12: One for each Rule for Life. But don't ask me which one's are which.
@@pietergeerkens6324 thank you, that makes sense.
He’s right. And you have to be consistent and follow through.
In a low voice❤
"If you're angry when you're disiplining your child, you've waited too long"
I wish my dad had been taught this...
I wish I had JP as my disciplinarian; I used to get the belt! Ah, those were the days...
It worked. After the 3rd no, my parents spanked me. I knew the boundries. I am grateful for my discipline.
@@Firefox-hw3cowell what if their no was other peoples yes’s. It’s all subjective
Perfect way of raising a defeated human... I tried it Mr Peterson. And I was NOT angry, but the child then treats my word as such a physical barrier that when I would say stop to a 3 year old they would stop immediately. Now that respect has spread to other authority figures such as teachers meaning they are really well behaved but their own will has been squashed and developed their character meaning it's now near irreversible
This feels exactly like the conviction of the Holy Spirit....
When someone has been doing something, and God decides "Hello human!" ..... we might still do the same action, but for the first time ever, now it feels wrong. Why did said action feel wrong?
The Holy Spirit is real, that's why...
Except the holy spirit isn’t a person. It’s just your spirit.
The absolute best compliment
I have been given is when my 24 year old son told his 14 year old brother (when he thought i was not listening) "Dude.... do what mom says, cuz when she says she is going to do something..... she always follows through. 100% of the time. I guarantee you!!" 😂😂😂
Consistency is always the key. Lovingly and consistently ❤
It's logically very simple and rational. Emotionally it's brutal!
Facts don't care about your feelings 😂
The giant god's not giving me what I want? That sucks but I'll get over it and learn to enjoy what the giant god is giving me.
The giant god is calmly and consistently taking things away from me if I do certain things? Man that sucks too, I guess I'll just not do those things and enjoy what the giant god allows me to do.
The giant god is angry with me and telling me I'm evil? That's worse than death.
Facts are not feelings.kids have to learn when Mom/Dad says no it means no. It prevents getting electrocuted with the bobby pin in the socket, burned by the iron or stove, or drowning in the pool. No discipline leads to an injured or dead child. Or a purple green haired idiot sitting in the middle of the road.
I train horses and tell people this so often it's become a mantra. Emotions should never factor into conditioning. If you're angry, put the horse away because you will never make the right choices if you're upset.
When you've been doing it this long, after starting countless horses, you have confidence that your way will work so all that's required is patience and consistency.
Most parents only have a kid or two so they look to the previous generations, which unfortunately also sometimes had no idea and were abusive.
I’m glad to hear Jordan Peterson is a gentle parent!🫶🏽
My sweet son listened to me as I explained everything to him, from day one. His father, however, taught him to lie to me about what his father should not have been doing.
Does this work in any way on dementia patients? Serious question, because some patients with AD can tell you if they liked or disliked breakfast, but they can't tell you what it was that they ate.
Theoretically, it's because dementia patients sometimes have a sort of memory from the amygdala, when the hippocampus is compromised.
Is this behavior modification in the very young a function of the amygdala, the hippocampus, or both?
Best parenting advise my mother ever gave me…
“No means No!”
My kids always knew I meant it…even as teenagers. I never had to get angry or upset.
My kids never had tantrums because trying harder to get what they wanted would’ve been a waste of their energy, and they knew it.
Great advice.
Conditioning works. I’ve conditioned my 6-mo old niece to stop crying whenever I’m around to tend to her needs. Whenever she starts to cry for anything-i.e., wanting to be picked up from the crib, wanting to have a companion in the room, etc-I patiently stand & wait until she’s done crying. I stonewall her.
The very moment she stops crying, I smile & pick her up &/or pickup something she wants. She’s realized that her crying will not elicit a response from me.
Her stop-crying conditioning *with* *my* *presence* is a stark contrast to that with her new parents’: whenever I visit & I find her crying, she immediately stops & smiles the moment she sees me-almost abashed that I caught her crying.😊👍
I want that suit
That’s how my husband and I raised our son. He was just the apple of our eyes. Such a pleasure to be around. It’s frustrating to see how parents these days won’t even try to make their children behave. They could have such wonderful times as a family. Such a shame.
Consistency
AMEN!! And like he said “you may have to do it ten times” before the child will learn, but eventually you won’t need to, and like he said after that, just saying “no” is enough. But you have to be CONSISTENT!!! If you start to feel bad and frequently give in to the child it won’t work.
As much as Dr Peterson saying ‘if you’re angry when you do it, it’s too late’ hits home for people, it made me think about my childhood. We got this type of discipline but we also got physically disciplined aka-got ‘beat’ aka-whoopings too, but as I got older I noticed that even though I was the good kid, that in 6th or 7th grade I started waking myself up for school getting ready and walking to the bus stop. I got really good grades, studied hard, didn’t get into any trouble (probably because I was pretty damn shy/quiet kid) I hung out with friends and didn’t break the rules or get in trouble with the law or anything, but for some reason as I got older my mother was beating me and was so angry with me but it was for the weirdest smallest things or there were a lot of times that I didn’t even know what I did wrong! If it was small silly things at least I knew what it was (although I wouldn’t understand why I was being punished so harshly!) but the times I had no clue why she was beating me I would rack my brain trying to think if there was something I had said that I didn’t realize was bad/disrespectful or if it was something I did and I could never figure it out! I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask her to find out so I just dealt with it; but I’m not gonna lie it messed with my head like “WTF why was she so angry!?! what did I do/say!?! what could I possibly have done for her to be so angry!?!” And now, many many years later now that I’m an adult I still don’t understand it and she’s still incredibly angry with me most of the time. I’ve tried politely asking to try to figure it out and she flipped out (just as she did when I was a kid) screaming at me, getting in my face, saying all types of hurtful things about she didn’t want me, still doesn’t, doesn’t care if I live or die (I have several chronic illnesses and can be very sick at times) that I could drop dead tomorrow and she wouldn’t care. She even took advantage of me being very sick (I’d been sick for 5-6 days, I was in a lot of pain, hadn’t slept or eaten in that time, and was pretty weak because of a flare of a couple of my illnesses at once & I’d been in the ER for 8-10 hours the day before) and flipped out screaming waking me up, mad about me being sick and started beating the crap outta me. It’s my mother so I’m not going to hit her so I just did my best to block her punches & kicks (I fell down a couple times cause I was so weak) then started choking me out but thankfully someone stopped her. She did again a year or two later under similar circumstances, about two days after I’d had a mystery mass taken off my body and she attacked me again. I’ve yet to receive any apologies for any of the nasty things she’s said to me or for physically attacking me, she just acts like nothing happened and I stopped trying to understand cause you can’t have a conversation with her, she’ll just start screaming like a lunatic, get in your face, blaming everything on me (or whomever it is) and then assault me (or whomever it is) I’ve come to terms that she just hates me plain & simple 🤷♀️ so not all parents are plain & simple disciplining their kids!
Basically they should be trained like or almost like animals.
I mean it makes sense. Most pet animals have the same iq as 2-5yr olds.
We are animals though.
People are animals, literally, that's why it works.
@@mikepaolantonio4693 Yes, sorry I didn't see your comment before I commented.
@@slig404I wouldn’t say that, a two year old is far smarter than most pets, and can likely talk. Humans are very different from the other animals.
I agree, especially if you’re doing it out of helping the child how to understand rather than your own frustration. That’s the key. Toddlers are full rambunctious so you need to actually create a whole room of do anything to help them learn optimally. That doesn’t mean you don’t teach them how the world works.
My father only had to spank me one time in my entire life. Every other time he wanted me to not do something all he had to do was give me the look. That’s the honest truth that he only spank me one time my entire life.RIP dad
He didn't have to do it. It was a trauma response to an incapacity of dealing with triggering emotions.
@@eugenianovillo4136, ok doctor dad. Raised two kids myself. Only spank my sons behind lightly once when he tried to run in traffic. He never ran into traffic again after that. If you’re not angry when you convey the importance of discipline; the child understands and doesn’t associate it with a traumatic experience. Context, and motive; with intention. Is understood by toddlers. It’s about staying calm. My hand patting my sons behind is better than a car bumper slapping his head.
I love it! Thanks! I love children but hate disobedience in them.
How does the lobster condition his baby?
I was trained in this way and I am still grateful to my parents.
yeah! I didn't even need to be talked to. My dad would just beat me with a belt until I couldn't stand and I turned out great. Sure I randomly sob and am terrified of men, women, just anyone and I'm posting this under a freeway but you don't need to talk to your kids cause I turned out great.
I'm so glad to hear you turned out so well, that is wonderful!
Sorry that happened to you, I have a similar upbringing but can differentiate between abuse and discipline.
I have 2 kids, and if you get consequences and rewards right when they’re young it’s much easier to negotiate with them when they’re older because you’ve built a stable sense of right and wrong.
@@TribeOfCookslol thats not how that works.
@@NLspartan117 I love the thought and effort put behind this comment. Being cynical doesn’t get you very far my friend 👊🏼
@@TribeOfCooks okay
I used to do this with my son!!!! It really works! Now he is 2 and a half and doesn't get into anything. I would also always comfort him when he cried though.
what the fuck is he wearing
Clothes
Discipline
@@mro1160 This comment XD
Suit and tie
But more importantly, what are YOU wearing, Travis?
This man is smart and continues to amaze me. Can't believe they stripped him of his license.
How about just MOVE the plants up higher out of the babies reach👍
Well, now the baby can climb. I guess we will have to move the plants outside...
Where does that approach end up?
😂 contantly reorder your life instead of parenting your child? Seems backwards
How long were you goung to do that, until he's a 6 foot tall teenager? Tell them no so that your stuff can stay where you want it to be, not where you have to move it around to keep it safe.
i have been questioning my methods recently because i have a very stubborn 16 month old (wonder where he got that from) who challenges me in what seems like mostly everything these days…but watching this has reassured me that i’ve been handling it the way im supposed to. having to be consistent is the difficult part because im having to check myself to not lose control over my own emotions.
Or, you could just explain to them why not.
Do you honestly think babies understand explanations?
To a *baby* ?!?
The baby?
Do you have a baby?
Yes even to a baby.
That “100% certainty is more important that people think. Everyone has had that one teacher who would punish randomly and no one ever knew when or by how much they could break the rules. They had no control over the class room and students didn’t know what exactly what was expected of them. Same thing with parents. It just makes for an unpleasant time for everyone.
I tried that on my daughter 6 years ago when you first time talking about this.. so she took that as a game and will come to me to put her leg in my hand and start crawling.. thanks Jordan 😆🤣🤣
I make it more of a positive, happy thing by having a togetherness attitude and an encouraging voice rather than a stiff attitude with a demanding command, because it sets it up to be a trusting, positive emotional dynamic rather than a battle of wills.
I guess it really depends on the child, though, and how responsive and stubborn/agreeable they are.