Your comment on transactional friendships is really interesting. I’ve ended friendships recently with the idea of “if they wanted to, they would” and “they’re no longer serving me”. But I feel like that only came after years of trying to make it work. I tried so hard to understand their point of view, even tried to have a sit down chat with them. But at the end of the day, they clearly didn’t value the friendship and they were hurting me more than they were making me happy.
Im not ashamed to say im a virgin and single by choice. Men want us to think its weird but in your early twenties is when most women end up feeling used, pressured or regret it.
I personally only feel comfortable In monogamous relationships but I have friends and people I know who are/have been in poly/open relationships. Though I will say, I think people underestimate how much work goes into actually having a successful and healthy open/poly relationship. I think a lot of people in their 20s jump into these dynamics and let their own selfishness run wild and end up hurting other people in the process. I also think that it’s better for people to enter a relationship on the basis of either monogamy or non monogamy instead of 1 person baiting and switching and having to pressure the other person to be ok with it (have seen this happen multiple times). Humans are sexual creatures, but we are also capable of forming deep emotional bonds with people. Both can be true at once.
You are SUCH a good mum. Even us with great mums watch this and think 'damn i wish she was my mum' lol. And imperfectly good, too. As a young (25, considered young in our generation) parent to a 1 year old daughter, it's so nice to see somebody put their child first. And still do things for themselves, and still be so open and candid about the experience of being a mother. I know I am imperfect too but I know that the love I have for my daughter, the pride I'll always be willing to set aside, and the honest and pure conversations I'll have with her, will make me an amazing mum. This journey has healed my inner child so much because I can show up for her in ALL the ways, and still make mistakes but be okay with that. Thank you thank you
Normalise communes tbh idk it sounds so nice, i think the lack of community is the biggest downfall of the modern world. I have no local friends just some scattered around other parts of dublin and a college friend who i dont get to see rn cos its summer and shes from Kilkenny and works full time UGH
This summer I went on a trip to Cornwall for a few days with my close girlfriends and it honestly has got me obsessed with the possibility of living in a women’s commune. Not once did anyone have to ask for things to be tended to - be it cooking, tidying up, making beds - everyone was constantly chipping in and pouring into each other and it was just a space full of unconditional love and affirmation. It was such a beautiful thing to experience and has got me thinking since about how I think our generation (I’m 25) will be the ones and already are to break generational patterns and redefine what a happy life looks like beyond the nuclear family model and dreams of home ownership etc.
i feel the same way about the phrase ‘you dont owe anyone anything/ you’re energy/ an explanation’ etc in the context of friendships like….. thats the most neoliberal individualistic understanding of friendships. you do owe people! because thats your community! even the word ‘owe’ makes friendship so transactional i hate it
What a wonderful and insightful chat Keelin! Always happy to see when there’s a new video from you. On unconditional vs transactional love I personally believe that, unfortunately, relationships between adults cannot be unconditional. But that doesn’t mean they’re transactional either and instead rely on some (!) level of reciprocity and mutuality. Totally agree that the mindset of “friendship x doesn’t serve me” is very reductionist and will ultimately leave to the erosion of one’s social ties, which is just sad and amazing for capitalism, but people deserve accountability in relationships. I have personally both cut friends out of my life while I accepted other friendships which feel very unbalanced, depending on the person, the type of connection as well as circumstances. Finding that balance was and is still a painful process for me, but with time I feel I learnt a lot. And on ENM, I remember one influencer whose name I forgot saying something like true ENM is for people whose definition of freedom doesn’t start and end with themselves, so again some version of no freedom without responsibility.
Thank you, Keelin. For being there for us; for making your videos and podcasts. The kindest, most generous of gifts-thank you. You make us heartbroken, lost souls feel so looked after ! Much love your way 💓
Love hearing your thoughts on topics like this, its so refreshing! Sometimes I wonder if we have all forgot that just because an idea or perspective is trending on Tiktok it doesn't mean it should be followed blindly
I think the 'if he wanted to, he would' mentality is raising standards which is good. And when people say 'serving me', they mean emotionally and spiritually fulfilling needs. I don't think people are throwing away good friendships or relationships. Just the bad ones! Some people's standards are too low.
i check youtube everyday until you post, never clicked faster. also this vid has come perfect timing for me, as the title is what i'm trying to figure out now !
i loveeee this, totally agree with the feeling about how transactional relationships & friendships seem now. i feel like i can never approach them that way because i always want to love people unconditionally, and i've felt like my familial relationships have been so conditional my entire life i have no desire to have that.. like if i love you i love you i dont care what the transaction looks like. & i feel like so many people try to define love as hitting certain specific points like a value on dates, flowers, specific gifts on birthdays, specific amounts of how much you hang out... i really don't care about hitting specific points because even if you hit that standard exactly it doesn't mean it's love or they're the right person, they're just fitting this "perfect" role you've tried to create???
I have been waiting for somebody to speak about the 'transactional' approach to relationships for so long, and you put it so eloquently. Like you said, it is absolutely a positive (and necessary) thing for girls to understand their fundamental worth and to hold men's behaviour to a much higher standard than what has been accepted for too long. However, I think this all begins to get a bit murky when the narrative takes a bit of a capitalistic spin, prioritising a man being able to financially pull his weight above all else. Nuance is needed here, of course. Generosity of spirit goes a long way, and I'm not afraid to admit that I like, and somewhat expect, a guy to pay on the first date etc. But it probably does make a lot of girls question if their partner actually cares about them if they are not receiving material gifts in a pookie-esque rotation (no hate to pookie and jett).
I think that’s a really interesting point you bought up about community and ethical non monogamous relationships. It kinda makes sense to how these sorts of relationships can substitute a community in some ways, because you love multiple people. I tried having a polygamous relationship recently but it made me feel really anxious and didn’t work because there wasn’t initially enough communication or boundaries set. After it ended (lol it actually lasted for a couple days) I thought that maybe I was attracted to the idea of polyamory as I was pushing against the expectations of relationships that my parents and grandparents set for me. I’m 25 and haven’t been in a relationship for nearly 2 years, even then it wasn’t serious (didn’t live together, had only been together a year kinda thing), and my family members all worry about my happiness because I’m not in a relationship. I’m content not in relationship, since I’ve always gone for men who are always emotionally unavailable (because my dad was LOL) so it’s taken me a long time to realise what I want/deserve - so I’m defo more picky these days or rather just more aware rather than intoxicated by toxicity and empty infatuation. But I’m happy, and my family sometimes can’t comprehend that I’m okay ‘alone’. I’m not alone because I have amazing friends, that’s my community so I’m ok not having a relationship. I honestly crave to live in a community rather than meet this one person who I buy a house with etc etc, I sometimes ponder that having kids can even be a substitute for community (in our neoliberal society anyways). When I do go on dates I do still struggle with rejecting someone. Sometimes I go on dates and get drunk and sleep with them cos I kinda fancy the interaction and continue to go on dates with people even tho I know it’s not gonna last and I don’t even really like them :/ I wish I could instantly say I’m not into it when I realise rather than continue to sleep with them etc. tbh, it sounds boring and unambitious but my dating advice to myself now is to just wait till something comes along. I’m very sociable anyway and live in bristol, so I kinda have faith that when the time is right I’ll meet someone and it’ll work out. I’ve always attributed Relationships to anxiety, sorrow, snd pain, so I’m happy kinda working through why that is, and waiting to bump into someone at some point and it being something that brings joy into my life. I think I’m done with intentionally dating xx
i really recommend the binchtopia podcast episode on monogamy, called 'monogamy blues.' it investigates the history and changing cultural views on monogamy, 'cheating scandals' in the media, and this idea you mentioned of are humans designed to be monogamous, rather than just discussing non-monogamy.
I feel so understood right now, I can relate so mich to what you are saying especially when you said you went on several dates knowing it wouldn’t lead somewhere and still met with them…
I have to say I wish I was as wise as you in my mid twenties. I’m pretty much a decade older than you and only coming to similar realisations on relationships and gained a self awareness of what I would like from a relationship recently. It has felt very empowering and weirdly calming, for lack of a better word. Like I’m not cashing anything being happy in myself and I have no expectations for someone else to ‘complete me’ or my life. If I meet someone who adds to my life great, but if not I’m still happy and fulfilled. I also understand that love is accepting someone flaws and all, but there is a balance in that too. Have you ever looked into the concept of fear vs fantasy?
humans are referred to in biology as 'slightly polygamous'. Animals that are fully monogamous will have only one partner in their entire lifetime e.g swans but humans tend to have one partner at a time but usually more than one in their lifetime. There is actually a 'monogamy' gene that has been identified so this can be more or less expressed in different people which explains why some people may lean toward polygamy or monogamy (interestingly alcohol suppresses this gene!).
I am a monogamous person - I don't think there's anything wrong with this, I don't really enjoy having sex with multiple partners (at once) - I really don't think it's unnatural, maybe some aspects are more 'outdated' of monogamy.
I think in your 20s you will want something and the other week you will want something else, but once you hit 30 you will want to commit and Seattle. Live your 20s because you will not be able to go back
Your comment on transactional friendships is really interesting. I’ve ended friendships recently with the idea of “if they wanted to, they would” and “they’re no longer serving me”. But I feel like that only came after years of trying to make it work. I tried so hard to understand their point of view, even tried to have a sit down chat with them. But at the end of the day, they clearly didn’t value the friendship and they were hurting me more than they were making me happy.
Im not ashamed to say im a virgin and single by choice. Men want us to think its weird but in your early twenties is when most women end up feeling used, pressured or regret it.
All you ever speak is truth. It’s so cathartic to listen to you. Wise girl. You should be proud of yourself.
How are you so insightful and relatable with everything 😭
my comfort person I swear
I personally only feel comfortable In monogamous relationships but I have friends and people I know who are/have been in poly/open relationships. Though I will say, I think people underestimate how much work goes into actually having a successful and healthy open/poly relationship. I think a lot of people in their 20s jump into these dynamics and let their own selfishness run wild and end up hurting other people in the process. I also think that it’s better for people to enter a relationship on the basis of either monogamy or non monogamy instead of 1 person baiting and switching and having to pressure the other person to be ok with it (have seen this happen multiple times). Humans are sexual creatures, but we are also capable of forming deep emotional bonds with people. Both can be true at once.
You are SUCH a good mum. Even us with great mums watch this and think 'damn i wish she was my mum' lol. And imperfectly good, too. As a young (25, considered young in our generation) parent to a 1 year old daughter, it's so nice to see somebody put their child first. And still do things for themselves, and still be so open and candid about the experience of being a mother. I know I am imperfect too but I know that the love I have for my daughter, the pride I'll always be willing to set aside, and the honest and pure conversations I'll have with her, will make me an amazing mum. This journey has healed my inner child so much because I can show up for her in ALL the ways, and still make mistakes but be okay with that. Thank you thank you
Normalise communes tbh idk it sounds so nice, i think the lack of community is the biggest downfall of the modern world. I have no local friends just some scattered around other parts of dublin and a college friend who i dont get to see rn cos its summer and shes from Kilkenny and works full time UGH
This summer I went on a trip to Cornwall for a few days with my close girlfriends and it honestly has got me obsessed with the possibility of living in a women’s commune. Not once did anyone have to ask for things to be tended to - be it cooking, tidying up, making beds - everyone was constantly chipping in and pouring into each other and it was just a space full of unconditional love and affirmation. It was such a beautiful thing to experience and has got me thinking since about how I think our generation (I’m 25) will be the ones and already are to break generational patterns and redefine what a happy life looks like beyond the nuclear family model and dreams of home ownership etc.
i feel the same way about the phrase ‘you dont owe anyone anything/ you’re energy/ an explanation’ etc in the context of friendships like….. thats the most neoliberal individualistic understanding of friendships. you do owe people! because thats your community! even the word ‘owe’ makes friendship so transactional i hate it
What a wonderful and insightful chat Keelin! Always happy to see when there’s a new video from you. On unconditional vs transactional love I personally believe that, unfortunately, relationships between adults cannot be unconditional. But that doesn’t mean they’re transactional either and instead rely on some (!) level of reciprocity and mutuality. Totally agree that the mindset of “friendship x doesn’t serve me” is very reductionist and will ultimately leave to the erosion of one’s social ties, which is just sad and amazing for capitalism, but people deserve accountability in relationships. I have personally both cut friends out of my life while I accepted other friendships which feel very unbalanced, depending on the person, the type of connection as well as circumstances. Finding that balance was and is still a painful process for me, but with time I feel I learnt a lot. And on ENM, I remember one influencer whose name I forgot saying something like true ENM is for people whose definition of freedom doesn’t start and end with themselves, so again some version of no freedom without responsibility.
Thank you, Keelin. For being there for us; for making your videos and podcasts. The kindest, most generous of gifts-thank you. You make us heartbroken, lost souls feel so looked after ! Much love your way 💓
Love hearing your thoughts on topics like this, its so refreshing! Sometimes I wonder if we have all forgot that just because an idea or perspective is trending on Tiktok it doesn't mean it should be followed blindly
I think the 'if he wanted to, he would' mentality is raising standards which is good. And when people say 'serving me', they mean emotionally and spiritually fulfilling needs. I don't think people are throwing away good friendships or relationships. Just the bad ones! Some people's standards are too low.
i check youtube everyday until you post, never clicked faster. also this vid has come perfect timing for me, as the title is what i'm trying to figure out now !
i loveeee this, totally agree with the feeling about how transactional relationships & friendships seem now. i feel like i can never approach them that way because i always want to love people unconditionally, and i've felt like my familial relationships have been so conditional my entire life i have no desire to have that.. like if i love you i love you i dont care what the transaction looks like. & i feel like so many people try to define love as hitting certain specific points like a value on dates, flowers, specific gifts on birthdays, specific amounts of how much you hang out... i really don't care about hitting specific points because even if you hit that standard exactly it doesn't mean it's love or they're the right person, they're just fitting this "perfect" role you've tried to create???
I have been waiting for somebody to speak about the 'transactional' approach to relationships for so long, and you put it so eloquently. Like you said, it is absolutely a positive (and necessary) thing for girls to understand their fundamental worth and to hold men's behaviour to a much higher standard than what has been accepted for too long. However, I think this all begins to get a bit murky when the narrative takes a bit of a capitalistic spin, prioritising a man being able to financially pull his weight above all else. Nuance is needed here, of course. Generosity of spirit goes a long way, and I'm not afraid to admit that I like, and somewhat expect, a guy to pay on the first date etc. But it probably does make a lot of girls question if their partner actually cares about them if they are not receiving material gifts in a pookie-esque rotation (no hate to pookie and jett).
I needed this conversation catalyst, I’m in my early twenties and my feeling my feelings on this ❤
I just lost my Dad last week and I really needed this video. Thanks Keelin ❤
I think that’s a really interesting point you bought up about community and ethical non monogamous relationships. It kinda makes sense to how these sorts of relationships can substitute a community in some ways, because you love multiple people. I tried having a polygamous relationship recently but it made me feel really anxious and didn’t work because there wasn’t initially enough communication or boundaries set. After it ended (lol it actually lasted for a couple days) I thought that maybe I was attracted to the idea of polyamory as I was pushing against the expectations of relationships that my parents and grandparents set for me. I’m 25 and haven’t been in a relationship for nearly 2 years, even then it wasn’t serious (didn’t live together, had only been together a year kinda thing), and my family members all worry about my happiness because I’m not in a relationship. I’m content not in relationship, since I’ve always gone for men who are always emotionally unavailable (because my dad was LOL) so it’s taken me a long time to realise what I want/deserve - so I’m defo more picky these days or rather just more aware rather than intoxicated by toxicity and empty infatuation. But I’m happy, and my family sometimes can’t comprehend that I’m okay ‘alone’. I’m not alone because I have amazing friends, that’s my community so I’m ok not having a relationship. I honestly crave to live in a community rather than meet this one person who I buy a house with etc etc, I sometimes ponder that having kids can even be a substitute for community (in our neoliberal society anyways). When I do go on dates I do still struggle with rejecting someone. Sometimes I go on dates and get drunk and sleep with them cos I kinda fancy the interaction and continue to go on dates with people even tho I know it’s not gonna last and I don’t even really like them :/ I wish I could instantly say I’m not into it when I realise rather than continue to sleep with them etc. tbh, it sounds boring and unambitious but my dating advice to myself now is to just wait till something comes along. I’m very sociable anyway and live in bristol, so I kinda have faith that when the time is right I’ll meet someone and it’ll work out. I’ve always attributed Relationships to anxiety, sorrow, snd pain, so I’m happy kinda working through why that is, and waiting to bump into someone at some point and it being something that brings joy into my life. I think I’m done with intentionally dating xx
i really recommend the binchtopia podcast episode on monogamy, called 'monogamy blues.' it investigates the history and changing cultural views on monogamy, 'cheating scandals' in the media, and this idea you mentioned of are humans designed to be monogamous, rather than just discussing non-monogamy.
advice videos is how i found your channel many years ago, its been so cool to see you grow and evolve on your life journey!!
I feel so understood right now, I can relate so mich to what you are saying especially when you said you went on several dates knowing it wouldn’t lead somewhere and still met with them…
Could listen to you talk all day Keelin 🙌
I have to say I wish I was as wise as you in my mid twenties. I’m pretty much a decade older than you and only coming to similar realisations on relationships and gained a self awareness of what I would like from a relationship recently. It has felt very empowering and weirdly calming, for lack of a better word. Like I’m not cashing anything being happy in myself and I have no expectations for someone else to ‘complete me’ or my life. If I meet someone who adds to my life great, but if not I’m still happy and fulfilled. I also understand that love is accepting someone flaws and all, but there is a balance in that too. Have you ever looked into the concept of fear vs fantasy?
i love these big sis videos so much 💖
insightful articulate queen
Hey Big Sis!🙌 Got it just right! 👌
Thank you for this video, it's very reassuring x
humans are referred to in biology as 'slightly polygamous'. Animals that are fully monogamous will have only one partner in their entire lifetime e.g swans but humans tend to have one partner at a time but usually more than one in their lifetime. There is actually a 'monogamy' gene that has been identified so this can be more or less expressed in different people which explains why some people may lean toward polygamy or monogamy (interestingly alcohol suppresses this gene!).
what are your favourite books about cults? now you've mentioned it i need to know them all
I’m married with a toddler and one on the way and I watched this whole thing 😅❤
Hope you’re okay my love xxx
I am a monogamous person - I don't think there's anything wrong with this, I don't really enjoy having sex with multiple partners (at once) - I really don't think it's unnatural, maybe some aspects are more 'outdated' of monogamy.
loved this topic
I think in your 20s you will want something and the other week you will want something else, but once you hit 30 you will want to commit and Seattle. Live your 20s because you will not be able to go back
How old are you ?
🙂❤💚💙
First
I would totally join your commune