Childhood trauma and consistent emotional neglect caused me to isolate in my childhood. I learned that I can't trust anyone. The lack of trust is still present today at 61 years old.
I too am 61 yrs old, married to my 2nd husband now for 30 years. He to this day says I keep secrets and don't "share" with him. He cannot understand how unsafe it is to reveal anythinng to anyone. When you are raised by a narc mom, anythinng she finds out that is important to you she will either take it away or ruin it. You learn early not to reveal anything of substance.
Omg I am instantly crying reading your post. I know the pain. It still haunts me and I'm 58. It is a deep wound that surfaces even now. Let's pray for each other. I have such horrible trust issues. Spent 10 years in a narcissistic relationship with a man. That just further exasperated the distrust of men. I swear to God sometimes I look at men like they're another species! I'm not exaggerating.
Omg I am instantly crying reading your post. I know the pain. It still haunts me and I'm 58. It is a deep wound that surfaces even now. Let's pray for each other. I have such horrible trust issues. Spent 10 years in a narcissistic relationship with a man. That just further exasperated the distrust of men. I swear to God sometimes I look at men like they're another species! I'm not exaggerating.
You are not alone. Not the only one to endure this pain, it really, really hurts. My mother wound leave me with a bottle for a week, luckily my Auntie found me laying in my own faeces and urine. She then adopted me.
Me too x I had my little girl 34 years ago, I held against me, looked at her precious face and remember thinking "how could MY mother not have loved me?"
Currently doing that now. I have a 4 month old. I didn’t expect having her to bring up so many issues I thought I had worked through. I used to give every “mom “ person in my life so much grace, but now it’s like I could never imagine doing 1/4 of anything that ever happened to me to her. It broke my heart all over again I swear. 😢
I did this also. But now I am an empty nester. And have struggled more in life than I have ever had. Because that did not cure me. It kept me hidden till the reality came out. Not good putting this just in your children.
I’m thinking that, at 70, I should have my act together. Instead I’m isolated and angry and distrustful. I’m beginning to see, from your channel, that I’m not the only one and I can still change.👍🏼❤️
I paid an embarrassing amount of money just to hear this for free by someone I’ve never met, but somehow have more respect for than my 2 year same therapist . THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!
2 years also with a therapist and I poured my entire soul to make sure I didn't "leave" anything out and I never heard of this. This came to me while meditating yesterday and since, it was like a huge 'AHAAAAAA' moment since.
Having a photo of my 3 year old self in my phone helps me tremendously in reminding me not to abandon "her", not to betray "her", to check in with how "she" feels about certain people. And I've noticed that i started to make different decisions when I take "her" into consideration. This all started in 2019 when I printed this photo & set it up on my bookshelf. Since then I've moved to a different state & stopped being friends with takers & users. I've changed jobs from places that were not supportive of me & I feel much more secure in my emotions, my life feels less chaotic when I am faced with difficult situations, and more even keel when I have to speak with difficult people like my mom. The practice of setting better boundaries has made my life more peaceful. Having that photo around really really helps!
As a 41 year old man it is so hard to admit to myself after all the healing I've done only to find out that I'm still broken and have childhood trauma is very humbling but I haven't give up I'm still alive I can still make a difference
Wishing you well and to let you know that I am 65yrs and have done tons of healing and lately had a melt down again, and realized that I am not healed....so sad at times!
I am 71 years old and the daughter of an emotionally detached, abandoning father an overly critical narcissistic mother. I'm watching all these videos. I want to go to therapy, but they all say it doesn't do any good to hash and rehash the past. They want to start with the present. That won't help me.
@@ninaabernathy2493 Look into healing energy and Bruno Groening Circle of friends. Its not easy to overcome emotions that are bottled up in the body. We need energy for this. This is free circle of friends doesnt take money and they are in almost every city in the world.
1) Acknowledge the feeling of abandonment. 9:20 2)Acknowledge shame. 11:10 3)How is the effect of abandonment showing up in your behaviour? 13:53 4) Identify any false beliefs. 16:33 5) Reframe all negative statements. 17:36 6) Talk to your inner child. ( focus on your inner world rather than your outer world) 19:30
I found picture of me when I was 5yo. My face is dirty, my pants were crooked to the side and was wearing 2 different shoes and even though I look as if I had just woke up, I am posing in front of a rose bush with a smile from ear to ear and the confidence of a super model. I had forgot I was once so confident and fearless... I will protect her. Thank you!!
She is you. She never left; she was pushed into hiding. All you have to do is RECLAIM her. Choose to give her a presence in your life, take care of her, ask her how she feels and what she wants, and let her come out and play. Much love!
Both my parents were emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and alcoholics. It was rare and short lived occasions where I would feel safe at home. To make things worse, I was horribly bullied at school by students and by teachers. Not being able to feel safe anywhere put my brain on such overdrive I started having hundreds of seizures a day. Things only got even more worse when I was sexually abused for 6 years of my childhood. I’m 37 years old and the amount of shame I carry has been so heavy for so long. I’ve made it a mission in my life to reprogram my subconscious mind and try to create a feeling of safety within my nervous system. I am so glad information like this is more readily available these days. Literally saving lives. Thank you for all that you do. 💜
Also, Storm, please don't forget God. He wants a relationship with you and even to Heal you. He Wills to Secure you again. God Loves you and Wants to be your Friend. Love, Shandalay
What hurts the most is watching your younger brother and younger sister being treated totally different than you. They are the cats miaow in my mothers eyes. And this craziness still continues today. I'm 62 years old
I am also, an “Identified Patient” nice way of saying the black sheep of the family! I was born with a strong rebellion against authority because my siblings were treated differently than I! They got away with nothing! Not that any of them(3 siblings) listened to anything I had to say completely because non of them could retell anything I told them accurately! Just know that taking yourself personally out of the equation and looking at yourself as if you wanted to understand your pain and why you self sabotage. I learned to develop a healthy self esteem at almost 50. 25 years of therapy and really bad choices & medical issues to boot, I finally started to know why I was who I had been! Door mat NO MORE! Be gentle with yourself! Show yourself the same kindness you would show someone you love dearly! You deserve to live your best & happiest life!
I can relate to what you went through. My mom has always favored men or boys (my brother, nephew, son in law's etc.) in her life. I confronted her on this recently and she agreed that she doesn't like women.
My sister is the 'golden child' and I am the 'scapegoat'. I took a risk recently to refuse to apologize to smooth over an uncomfortable situation she was responsible for and she reacted by ignoring me and campaigning against me in my family, further scapegoating me. She never apologizes - even as a kid she literally drowned me in a pool and *I* got blamed by my Mom for drowning (which I then apologized for!!). My family never gave me a sense of safety. Thank you for helping me understand the dynamics in my family. It gives me hope for making healthy relationships, even if it's not my family of origin.
Wow, I am sorry you have lived that. Similar for me but thankfully my drowning experience was not the fault of anyone abusive or emotionally unavailable etc. (although as I drowned my thought was, "My parents are not going to take the story of this incident well if I stay dead and I can imagine them treating the messengers who tell them the news badly"...so I was praying that if I was supposed to definitively die right now then, my parents wouldn't blame anyone.
My mother had me to trap my father into staying in a marriage. It didn't work and he left before I was born. I was neglected as I was now just another mouth to feed My older siblings saw me as a threat and abused me. I became very withdrawn and introverted. My life has been infected by narcissists . This I've learned is due to my abandonment . At the time of my mother's funeral I was told i wasn't welcome . I attended her funeral and I did it for my mum, and me. And I held my head up to make her proud I was asked if I had any photos of me as a young boy because they couldn't find any for the family collage. That alone spoke volumes to me . I am still learning and I now know I am worthy of happiness, which comes from within. I give thanks everyday for my strength and health . I was literally born to loose , but I survived. I'm grateful for being me, no matter how painful it has been. Suffering brings growth and strength and wisdom I wouldn't have it any other way. Peace, and God bless
As I sit here listening to you telling my life story while simultaneously attempting not to sob aloud, I am somehow unable to quell my eyes from filling up as tears flow down my cheeks. I am a 67-year-old woman and know that my siblings and I still suffer from what we endured as children as each and every one of us feels so much calmer and safer living as we do: alone.
@no chains no more 2 things only: 1) please do be open to change. Change/movement/evolution is good. Every single minute the earth is moving. We don’t feel it. It is gradually. It’s good. Seasons change. So that new leaves 🍃 🍁 come on the branches of the trees. Anyone, any thing that does not change/evolves, dies. 2) For you. Not your family. Each of us, we are like a tree🌳 we get older to provide wisdom (shade) and teach only those who want it. But we come first. It’s not selfish.take great care of yourself.
@@nammyohorengekyoooooo That is kind of sad too. A partner is no solution to anything and can lead to staying stuck in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone.
This is so good. When you don't get to know yourself as a child (because you are just trying to survive) you really can become an emotionally marooned adult.💛
I was so damaged. Emotionally as a child I now realize Why I am so confused and always looking for love only to run from it .This is a confusing roller coaster. Thanks for decoding my life. I am just listening to this and tears came to my eyes.
I have “just” come to realize that we will “call to us” that which has not yet healed…….In an ongoing invitation for reconciliation & healing. When we have reconciled & healed the wound, we will no longer call it toward us…………. 🙏💕
Boy did she describe me. A loner due to a narcissist mother so as an adult I prefer to be alone and definitely not ask for help. Don't feel comfortable around people,not trusting, and had feelings of not feeling lovable.
I have a few more affirmations that I use almost every morning and night:🌻 i am valuable All my feelings are ok! I deserve respect and kindness. I do my best to feel better every day My self-respect grows every day I am thankful for the good things in my life I can communicate my feelings openly! I say no if I don't want something! I am important I only let love into my life I deserve to be appreciated I choose love over fear i am lovable I deserve to receive love 💜 I deserve security I don't need to be perfect - I am lovable the way I am i'm treating myself with kindness and respect
From outside appearance i had an idyllic childhood, but have long suspected that my mothers emotional unavailability mixed with my damaged father, who was literally abandoned by his mother as a young child, has really damaged me and my brothers. Im 59, have 4 wonderful children, but they have 3 different fathers. I've been cheated on by every man I've been with, and eventually abandoned by them. The few men I've known that treated me well, I've always disengaged from the relationship and ultimately sabotaged it . I still seek my mother's approval, but only receive criticism. Even after losing my closet friend of 40 years to sudden death, and this week my beautiful dog in traumatic circumstances, she can't say anything other than platitudes, such as "well you're lucky to have a job, try to get through the day, and I,'m upset too" Honestly, i have to get all my emotional support from you tube ! I've been alone for over 10 years now, people always say , but you're so attractive, you could have any man you want etc. But I've realised at this late stage in life that I am emotionally damaged and will probably never have a loving relationship with a man . Sorry for the long post, im grieving my dog , who I loved like a child, and have always found relationships with animals easier than with people, but im gradually realising it's not my fault entirely. Thank you.
I found this video by searching “how to find meaning after childhood emotional neglect” because I have been feeling burnt out, in pain, ashamed over my past actions, I feel as if I have no place in this word..I don’t know what I’m doing in this world, can’t figure out my purpose, hobbies, I feel like a brick. I don’t feel human. My abandonment issues have been controlling my life and relationships for far too long. I’m 21 and discovered what emotional neglect was a year and a half ago. I wrote notes throughout your video so I won’t forget, so thank you. This won’t be the last video I watch of yours. I am so grateful. 💜
I was screaming and crying to my mother recently trying to explain how hurt I was by her treatment growing up. She went and got a picture of herself as a little girl and said “how much love do you think I got?” I wanted to die.
I deeply feel your pain. At 43, I told my mother I’d always known she didn’t love or like me. Her deadpan response, “I didn’t know you knew.” I don’t know why I was stunned.
That is the pathetic sickening truth of my mothers attitude also. Out of pure spite they deliberately didnt give us a better deal than they got. Well, let me tell you, we may not get the recognition we deserve from these idiots, but they will pay an enormous price when their soul is shown to them in the after life. Their loveless deeds are mirrored to them and they no longer have the power of justification to deflect it, they will feel all the pain they inflicted and have profound remorse. The meaning of life is to love and to be loved. They cut themselves off from their own enjoyment of love. Forgive them for (ultimately) they know not what they do. Forgive (for our own hearts sake), but dont forget, limit exposure and stay safe.
Oh do I relate to this! When you have narcissistic parents and have to grow up depending only on yourself it’s a long tough and scary road. Thankfully I made good choices for my life and fought, struggled and stayed strong. I have 2 college degrees and a happy and healthy home life with my 2 children. I’ve had to go through a divorce alone, raised 2 little kids without a “village” and had to accept that I had to love myself to be the strong and independent person I needed to be for my kids. When you realize YOU are all you have and go it alone you find freedom. Your expectations for other people are diminished and you are stronger for it. The road is NOT EASY but is worth it. ♥️ God bless anyone who is dealing with this!
Same being adopted by covert achololic mother and emotionally unavailable father who died at 18 I feel as if I was abandoned three times before I was a real adult- this video was so helpful I’m watching it over and over again
I truly, truly wish far more therapists were as intuitive, involved and Interactive with their clients as you. Far too many therapists get away with being lazy. They just sit and listen to you while taking hundreds of dollars from you per session. They don't actually work with you and give you the tools and skills that I needed for your everyday life so that you can move towards healing. Before you know it, two and three years have passed and you are still struggling with the same things and nothing has truly changed for you. I think most people don't know what to expect from therapy. They trust that the therapist knows what they're doing. It is NOT okay for a therapist to be lazy and passive. I think it is so dishonest to keep taking someone's money while not giving them the services that they are paying you for and not giving them the care that they need. It is basically stealing! I think there should be some sort of standards or criteria for counselors and therapists whereby their ability to provide quality services is more regulated so that they cannot get away with providing subpar or even zero care to their clients.
Some therapists have not had training in trauma, abuse and personality disorders/narcissism. It is a specialized field. I had a therapist for three years. He was nice, but he just didn’t get it. I was doing all of the research, trying to comprehend the abuse I have been through but he just didn’t understand. I changed therapists and have one now that understands and it is so validating. If you’re not getting what you need find a different one that is educated in the field.
I used to read constantly as well. Growing up, I wanted to live in the library. Didn't know I was escaping though. Thank you 😊 Hmmm, answers some questions.
@@richardstevens7547 I have two words that describe my childhood: lonely and oblivious. I just became aware of "oblivious." I think the books aided the oblivious. I was deeply in denial.
I loved to read, too! It was a wonderful world! It was a way to exit that dysfunctional, insecure spance, and create another reality I loved! It was sublime! I loved it! I wouldn't call it escape, but leaving. It was managing until one could physically leave. But it was brilliantly managing it uo make it very pleasant and create a wonderful space & reality that rendered fantastic emotions! It was a breakthrough & victory! It was living in peace & beauty! Love & Best! +Q-S/
This video is an affirmation for those who feel deep discord with themselves due to childhood trauma. Many of us are ignored, gaslit or called too sensitive so, we shell and isolate to stay sane, protected and functional. After growing up in a divorced home at 2yrs old and feeling outcast by siblings and cousins and kids at school, I struggled to feel connected to anyone, even myself. I suffered from extreme emotional neglect, physical abuse and shaming from my mother, sexual abuse by a family member that compounded when I was shamed and punished by my mother for being sexually aroused at 4yrs old. I was never checked on emotionally through it all. My sad inner child has suffered so much behind an overwhelmingly exhausting, people pleasing adult persona with no boundaries and a trapped voice most of my life. I didn't speak up about it to any one until I hit my late 30s. I really didn't feel permission to acknowledge my own feelings ever. I have finally gotten an opportunity to self heal but this journey has been scary Everyday is challenging to attempt to discover and morphe into someone different than only what I have always known. I certainly don't want to go back to any of that and want to improve from my feelings of worthlessness. This takes courage and Mrs. Romano's video, what she says about our early second layer of programming, acknowledging and reframing is a tremendous dose of expert guidance. Thank you for providing us with the tools for each of our unique journeys.... which I believe will be life long for me--- in daily doses. 😂 laugh to keep from crying. P.S. Kind regards to everyone discovering here.
1. Acknowledge abandonment happened . 2. Acknowledge shame from abandonment, that you assumed blame from that . 3. How does this feeling of abandonment show up in your life ?(Experience ,emotion ,belief ,and action ) How do you isolate or block intimacy … 4. Identify the false beliefs associated with fear of abandonment . Negative self talk . Write in journal . 5. Actively and deliberately change negative self talk . (With an affirmation in journaling ) 6. Talk to the wounded inner child .Connect to your heart . What do you want , think and feel ? Create a positive perception of self . (How this shaped your ego and ego defense mechanism ) 7. Get a picture of your younger self and print it in a frame . This is the image to help you to connect to feeling space . Develop empathy and compassion for inner self . 8. acknowledge the world of reality ,not as you wish it to be . Stop magical thinking . Journal about who you trust and can’t trust in the world . Past and present. Have I ignored certain people that I can’t trust ? Am I reducing those whom I can trust ? 9. Start setting boundaries . Don’t seek approval . 10. Trust yourself more. Find safety in your self . Self care Watch through to the end. Subscribe and like . Lisa’s books are fantastic .
I was neglected by my mother, then moved to live with emotionally absent guardians, including one with narcissistic tendencies. I have ADHD and therefore my inabilities, that I had no control over, were blamed on being irresponsible and not caring. I married an Anxious Avoidant on the Autism scale. I seek nothing but acceptance for the "mess" I am. A recently ended relationship brought up attachment disorder. So, here I am, learning how to be a healthier person on my own.
Lisa thank you from the depths of my soul. I am so broken and my life is in shambles. I have overcome so much trauma in my life but these last few years have been devastating due to my trapped mind state. I have zero confidence in myself even though I have accomplished so much. You explained gaslighting in a way that allowed me to see how my family has programmed me to feel incompetent. I can do nothing right by them either. Thank you because today I'm finally allowing myself to cut the strings and move on. It still hurts but what a relief to let go of wanting or needing their love or approval. I'm ready to heal.
IM GOING THRU THE EXACT SAME THING...THE DEPTHS OF THIS PAIN ARE INDISCRIBABLE...NOW WE DONT FEEL SAFE...WE ARE IN CONSTANT FIGHT OR FLIGHT! I AM PRAYING WE CAN HEAL OUR PERCEPTION AND BECOME HEALTHY AND WHOLE THEN OUR LIVES CAN FINALLY BE FULFILLING FYI LISTEN WITH HEADPHONES TO BINURAL BEATS 528 HZ ON YOU TUBE TO UP YOUR ENERGY AND FREQUENCY:) love and light✴️❇️✴️✳️✳️✳️✴️❇️✴️ ______chantal____________
You can do this I was trapped in a biological father narcissist situation ran to the first man who looked at me to escape was married for 36 years to another narcissist who Not only was he a narcissist he wouldn't work I work two to three jobs my whole life we had those two beautiful children. He was a raging narcissist he was verbally abusive he was a Percocet Nar cot I've been divorced 11 years now and I'll never look at another man it is taking me all this time and energy to realize what he was he was a raging narcissist and I was a raging and I was a codependent so anyway you can do this it's worth it it's worth everything
This video is so incredibly healing, as I'm well into my adulthood I realize that I was left to figure life out on my own at a very early age and that makes me not only feel very alone in my world but stops me from experiencing people objectively because I trust a few people and sometimes the ones that I let in aren't good for me. Thank you Lisa for this, I'm glad I found your channel because I am about to unlock the once happy and lively child within
I haven’t talked to my mom in a year ….all of the things she said and did didn’t make any sense to me until I learned what narcissism was ….then it all made perfect sense
omg. my stepdads favorite line was the “you think your life is hard, you have it easy compared to me” like it’s not even about that tho i’m not ok and i never was. they never and to this day don’t validate my feelings/sisters and say it was because we were kids or this and that. like no. jus bc we were kids does not mean our feelings weren’t real or valid. they used it as an excuse to treat us badly
But they aren’t right either! Black and white thinking is what gets us in trouble. There are grey areas and this is one of those- there are SO many safe places in this world full of love and hope and peace. But unfortunately there are also just as many unsafe places full of violence and hate. That’s why it’s important to decide where to live and who to allow into your life-peace is possible and safety is possible but you can’t repeat cycles of narcissistic abuse/neglect by choosing narcissistic partners or friends
😭💔 Thank you Lisa! I was raised by a narcissistic mother and an enabling dad. They have both passed on and I still love them but I see why I have such interpersonal (romantic) issues. God bless you! I’m leaving a marriage to a narcissist. I’m working on my childhood wounds. ❤️🕊🙏🏼🌈
Good for u to leave. I promise you the bond and cognitive dissonance will lie to you but about 3-6 mos. away from it u will sit up and say “oh my gosh I never needed him, it was like being married to my mom.” Now I can start living
As a child, all I needed was to be understood emotionally, be told that I will be supported and distress will be taken care of by mom..but was left on my own to process my emotions because mother was blind to my inner chaos because I was a quiet child. I spent most of life in my head and being alone I feel much safer than being around my family because for me safety is about being understood for my needs and emotions
You'll never be good enough to the wrong person and they will never be good enough to you and the narcissis will never be good enough to you 👍 Lisa and survivors and thrivers 🙏🦋
My world was never safe when I was growing up, and I really completely trust no one. Childhood neglect, bad emotional abuse and physical abuse with alcohol and drug abuse in the home left me ALWAYS feeling LONELY and unloved. I recently just started making boundaries that I let no one cross anymore. I am very rigid now, but it beats being a door mat for everyone !!! I am still figuring myself out. Learning to love myself and give myself grace !!!
Really wish I had gotten help with this as a child, then teen, and now I’m about to be 35.. and just now taking proper steps to heal. Fear of abandonment can seriously take over your whole life. I’ll never forget begging my mom to stay with my hands wrapped around her ankles. And now as a married woman I’m in constant fear of abandonment even on the best day. 😓
I’m 21 years old and I am realizing how much my abandonment issues as a child is influencing my present life. I am use to the survival mode because I grew up in domestic abuse home, so no one was really there to talk about those things through me.
Breakthrough… my fear of rejection is founded in being hypersensitive and dependent upon what others think of me, the need for acceptance and validation, all the while continuing to treat myself the way I’ve been treated by giving my feelings and what I want/expect from others a back seat. Thank you
Physically neglected as a kid and teen and now in my 30s trying to escape a 16 year relationship with a narcissist - this video is spot on with my life
hello, just read this, i was neglected and abused mentally and physically by adopted parents, I'm 60 this year with kids and grand kids but also trying to escape a 36yr narcissistic marriage, this vid also spot on for me, I'm ok and everything and getting there. it helps me to know there's others in the same puzzle I wish you well
I was gas-lit by my covert narcissistic mother and my alcoholic father my entire teenage and young adult life that "you didn't have a bad childhood, right?". " you weren't bullied at school, right?" I used to just keep my mouth shut and agree but now I kNOw way more!! I don't even get to have a relationship with my extended family or even my immediate family because of their toxic gaslighting games. Yuk.
If your parents were stating that bullying in school caused you problems they are probably right because bullying is a form of child abuse it's not normal
@@dampergoldenrod4156 you're right. I misspelled weren't to were. I mother denied the bullying, instead. I was bullied at home by my family and at school by peers.
When a child says to its parents "I love you" what it means is actually " I have nowhere else to go". When an adolescente says "I love you" to its parents it means " I am not sure how to leave".
I was neglected by my mom, who got into drugs when i was 4. I had to feed myself what I could and I remember seeing her shoot up, and watching her passed out, unresponsive. It haunts me to this day, despite the love of my grandmother who was the "stable mom figure". I don't ask for help. I don't trust people, even the man I've been with 20 years. You've helped me more than any counselor I've tried to talk with. Thanks Lisa
I could relate with you. My mom was a heroine addict and neglected me (age 8) and my siblings. My dad was MIA. My grandmother was an child abuser to another child in the family and she never fed us. I don’t know where to start with therapy to be my best self now at 48
When the veil is finally lifted and you see the pattern, the truth of what the narcissist is doing, and you change the only thing you control - if and how YOU respond to the pattern - it's like flipping on the lights in a room. The roaches that can only survive in the deceit and manipulations behind the veil scatter! The looks, the fluttering eyelashes and word salad that comes at you as they begin to realize you aren't joining them in the abusive dance but you're not sad, crying, angry or tense either - priceless! I recently did this when both brothers and our mother were all together. Mom wanted to "clear the air" referencing the low/no contact I implemented 3 years ago after my bullying older brother sent me a verbally abusive email, and he and Mom shunned me at a large family wedding. She asked each of us if we had anything to say, asking both brothers first. Of course, they set the table with "I don't have any issues with anyone here." When it was my turn at last, I was supposed to say (and would have said 5 years ago) "I'm sorry if I've seemed distant. I've been busy and blah, blah." Instead, I looked directly at each of them in turn and told them, calmly, exactly what I would no accept from them, from verbal abuse (with concrete examples) to the gaslighting "I don't know how that happened" "That's just how he is" etc., and invalidating me by silently, passively standing by when this is going on right in front of you or even endorsing it to protect yourself. It only took me about 5 minutes, and it got easier as I went along. I didn't let them interrupt me, which meant that I had to keep talking over them, saying "Just let me finish, please." When I was done, Mom looked at my younger brother who was only in town for about 24-hours. He's lived in a distant state for 35 years and is the passive, neutral, peace-maker who is never, ever abused and ignores overtly abusive behavior directed at me, directly in front of him. Mom said, "Steve, I'm sorry. I . . . " Yep. She started apologizing to him, as if inviting me to be present, never mind allowing me to speak, was a major social gaffe requiring an apology. I left after telling Mom that I disagreed that an apology was due, when she had initiated the conversation and insisted that each of take a turn to "clear the air" - her exact words. I said I would need to skip having lunch with them, after all, because I don't spend time with people who apologize to each other for including me in their group. I wished them a pleasant afternoon, my younger brother a safe trip home, and got myself out of that stuffy, depressing room. I've never, ever felt so sure and so good about an interaction within that snake pit. I've always felt bad about myself, confused about why, and then would ruminate about it for days and days. This time was different, and I know I can follow through consistently with benign detachment the next time we're all together.
This explains why I have magical thinking. I tend to fantasize about the future with someone as if its going to happen and get soo disappointed and hurt when it doesn't happen. I dont know how to stop that and be more in the now.
I'm a firm believer in setting children up for a lifetime of success through a healthy and loving childhood. Ensuring they have high self esteem and showing them how loved they are set the foundation for a confident and healthy adult hood
It can be very subtle. No mean words or kind words. No smiles or glowing eyes. No time spent with me but given nice gifts on birthdays and xmas. No instruction in how to be a woman. Not once asked if I'd met someone. Taken care of physically and never touched, held or played with. Really got indifferent once I was a young adult. Sent me to college but didn't say congratulations, smile, share my joy on graduation. Didn't give me a hug or a card when i finally married late in life. Seemed to want me to go away. Refused to see my first home or second one. When you said she never seemed to care how I felt, you hit it on the nail for me. I don't think she knew how to connect with anyone that way. My problem is that I keep thinking maybe I'm just an ingrate, expected too much. I am left with guilt and shame.
You are not alone. I am not alone. Reading your post was similar to my childhood. I have to sit and breathe when I listen to videos and read posts. The big validation is now how God sees me regardless of my human experience. I have found peace in knowing who I am and ultimately came from. I am not abandoned but have a spirit within that fights for me. I live in this light so I can walk around in this dark world made up of all these struggling beings.
I was a colicky baby, my mother would just let me cry on end to where I had to have surgery when I was 6 months old because of a hernia. She once said to my grandmother I understand why mothers throw their babies against the wall. Needless to say my grandmother picked me up and took me home for a while. My mother also said to me, your first child is your throwaway child. Do you know how much that pained me and stabbed me in the heart. This is the environment that I was raised in from infancy. I'm 62 years old and still learning how to trust and feel safe in this world even though I've done lots of work around it. Thanks so much for this video. 🙏 oh yeah, my mom thought she was such a great mother, WRONG!
A lot of my shame for feeling the way I feel is because I did have a "good childhood". I had food and clothes and a consistently physically present parent. But I was horribly bullied at school from elementary to to high school. I was made to feel like I was over reacting and I just needed to be tougher. I also had a lot of core parent and family members leave and never come back. So yeah on the outside everything was fine but on the inside it was a very lonely painful childhood. And then I feel angry for letting something from my childhood continue to affect me all these years later.
It hurts worse to suffer in silence and deal with the guilt of feeling what you feel. A picture-perfect life should never overshadow your authentic feelings. Your experiences matter. Continue healing from what so many people around you may not understand. You deserve to evolve emotionally.
Thank you Lisa. I was raised by a narcissist mother which I’ve only started to figure out. She was jealous of me and that I looked like my father. That I am tall. She would constantly criticise me and call me fat but always under the guise of ‘caring’ for me. She looked after me physically but tortured me psychologically. Often saying she wished she’d never had me then being so over the top lovely to me. Or saying to me comments that minimised my emotions. She told me I was too sensitive and she couldn’t understand why I got so upset over being bullied at school because’they’ (my stepdad and her friends?) never found them to be mean comments according to them. She’d call me a donkey because apparently when she tried to get me to do what she wanted I’d just stand and stare at her. Now I know it’s freeze. She also discouraged me getting into my art and photography because that’s what she’d always dreamed of doing. It’s hard to swallow that your own mother just wants you to be smaller than her but it’s definitely the case with me. My father is an alcoholic that was brought up by my narcissistic grandmother and sent to boarding school at 5. He is avoidant and manipulative. He gaslights and punishes by ignoring or minimising me if I speak out against his opinions. Or have boundaries. I used to drink heavily like him because that’s what I thought was normal. Then he’d hassle me about my drunken behaviour and act angry. It’s like wow you’re the role model? Both parents abandon me all the time physically and emotionally. They never show up for me at all. I spent years in pain trying to work out why I was on planet earth and why I deserved this. Finally trying to heal at 43.
Sorry for the way you were treated. I found when I went no contact with my entire family I started healing and feeling so grateful I wasn’t around them anymore. Take care of you. Much love.
Wow it just amazes me how someone can experience so much abuse, confusion and instability as a child and then have the emotional strength and resilience to stand up and face this trauma and work through it! For you to be stomped down during your most formative years and to now have the strength and self awareness to stand up and reclaim your self worth goes to show the strength of your character to overcome. You are so brave and courageous and should be very proud of yourself for having integrity to acknowledge your trauma and work towards your healing. God bless you in your journey towards wholeness ❤
The neglect and mistreatment you described here is painful to even fathom. May the Universe bless you on your journey to process and find peace. I agree with the comments above. You are not the problem. Continue to love yourself just as you are even as you develop into a healthier version of you emotionally and even when it feels destabilizing to heal from all the pain and disappointment.... heal anyway. Take good care
I've been learning about the use of psilocybin for these kinds of issues. People consistently report feeling like 7 years of therapy took place in one "session". That's pretty incredible.
I'm loving the 21 Day Inner Child Journal 👌I'm shocked actually at the things that have come up for me. I've had several breakthroughs in just the first few days, and I'm not new to inner child work. Best under $20 self healing purchase EVER! I never endorse products but this Journal is not to be missed. Many thx Lisa for all your work!
I have done a lot of Inner childwork..it is perpetual. I have been doing helaing work with with Lisa since 2016...she has changed my life! I am back again doing the 21Day Inner Child work...I am needing to revisit how I have been carrying my mother's pain and depression my entire life (and the entire family's pain). I am an empath. I am just now learning to face my deepest fears. Very humbling...thank you, Lisa! You are my hero!
Thank you Lisa, from my bed…all day. Isolating myself. It feels horrible. Hiding away. I’m going to replay & write down this work and feeeeel it. Fake it til I make it.
I was programmed to fail at everything, to be incompetent and to remain a helpless child ding-dong my whole life. I'm learning and growing with videos like this but I certainly can't TRUST myself 😔
I grew up in the projects in San Antonio. Alcoholic parents or no fathers around was normal for all my friends. It’s been a crazy journey to where I am still healing from all the violence, abuse and neglect. Surviving gangs, drive by’s, drugabuse, manipulation… this was my reality for my whole childhood. Thank you for this video.
The acknowledgement section HIT HOME. Ive felt abandoned in various relationships and friendships thru my life. I even started therapy to address this bc it’s starting to manifest in me isolating but still yearning for connection with others. I thought it was stemming from failed romantic and platonic relationships. But I’ve spent every session so far talking about my mom…. And I’ve recently realized that my relationship with her is the first and longest instance of abandonment I have. I’ve tried to express the effect my moms attitude/emotional absence has and is having on me to her with the hope that we can have a better relationship. And the response is always to gaslight me about my experience, victimize herself, and dismiss my feelings. Never an acknowledgement of my feelings even if her intent wasn’t malicious, just excuses. So when you said “they were unable to reach you at the level you needed. IT DOESNT MATTER WHY.” Wow..
That sounds a lot like my mother. It's scary. She's no longer here on Earth as cancer took her away from me and the family. So, I can't sit with her and talk through what I feel she has done to me.
@@ki2theana tbh I just write it off as her probably having her own mental illness (probably narcissism) and treat it like she’s physically unable to comprehend it when I tell her how she’s fallen short or hurt me. Like it’s a defense mechanism that literally prevents her mind from understanding (this is based on what I know about her own childhood traumas that she ironically thinks was normal). I’ve also done lots of research on narcissism which helped as well
Now I understand why I want to be alone and can't deal with my kids attitude that sounds like my mom. Thank you for this video! This is very helpful! ❤️🙏
True. And there's another one that psychologists don't mention because it's in astrology. I started doing tons of inner work around the age of 20 and I am 58 now-- It changed everything to move away and only see my family rarely. In looking at my astrological map/cartography I can see what happened - Chiron crosses the area where I was born and mostly grew up-- very difficult with my family and really mean kids in school there. Wherever Chiron is in a chart or map is where a person has been wounded but cannot be healed-- The closest we come to healing is by giving same to others. As soon as I could I moved to a place where my ascendant runs through, which is actually powerfully grounding. I've healed and grown in personal power TONS over the years here-- using many of the suggestions mentioned in this video. I'm visiting my old home right now because I came back for a family wedding. It's depressing here in spite of how much I've grown= LOCATION can make a huge difference
Today I was going through alot with my thoughts and more. My mother abandoned me as a child and as I grew older I realized it was a family thing. They all leave you and disassociate from you when you need them most. And spend an unhealthy amount of time talking about you but wont help.This was a great help. Thank you so much. I love you so much for this.❤🎉
I am 31 years old that’s still a working progress spiritually & mentally. I grew up with a Narcissist, Emotionally Immature Mother that made a lot of bad choices & it was always someone else’s fault. Domestic violence & dis functional chaos was the life she chose for us; if she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t be. She never taught me how to love myself, be strong, to manage my emotions in a healthy way, & valuable life lessons that a Mother would teach her child. She did everything to could to keep me under her thumb & broke me to control. To this day, she’s very persistent to be present in my life for the wrong reasons & wants us to be “best friends” again. Cutting her out was very hard, but the best thing for me. Staying Strong for a better future 💪🏻
Thank you for this information! I was abandoned at birth as my mother had me at 13 and my father 14. I was assigned a guardian, my paternal grandmother, who abandoned me at age 13. I lived on my own ever since. At 27 I found my mother via a private investigator and we communicated for almost a year until she ghosted me by changing her number and moving. I thought we were building a relationship but she just vanished on me. I haven't heard from her in 10 years. My healing journey is lifetime....
I want to encourage you somehow. You have gone through so much! I can't imagine the hurt and suffering you have experienced. There is hope on the other side.... one step at a time will get you there! My wish to you is peace and strength.
@@krisskross8985 I think you for taking a moment out of your day and expressing words of encouragement. It's deeply appreciated in my healing journey 🤎
Wow, in just a little half hour of life I learned that what I thought was intense shyness when I was young was really SHAME! This is huge for me. I could never figure out why I was so "shy" as a child but not as an adult. Now I know it is because I had the wrong label on it. I am doing well now but I love the idea of the simple mantras or, "I am enough" and "I am lovable" etc while looking at yourself as a young child can be so powerful. Thank you so much for this information, I will continue to watch more videos.
Exceptional video with invaluable information. I will watch over and over. I’m a 62 yo woman who in the heat of a moment where I get triggered, I react like a child. I’ve recently have been peeling back the emotional and psychological layers of my self and this behavior is arising at the most inappropriate times. I’m wondering how to stop and think clearly when I’m triggered in that moment. I tend to emotionally explode in tears or anger then act out by running away or if I feel trapped, throw things away from me to make space around me. It’s been rather embarrassing and shocking to me. And many times I can’t remember what I said or did. 😢
Thank you so much Lisa, words can’t express how grateful I am to have stumbled upon your channel over a year ago. I left my narcissistic husband of 22 years, I feel so happy and free. But isn’t it funny that I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I end up with a narcissistic husband? My dad is actually one of the sweetest and nicest people on the planet, I don’t know how he put up with my mother all theses years. The sad/puzzling part is she just gets worse and he is still makes excuses for her? Anyway, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ I’m still a work in progress but I’m confident I’m on the right path. 🙏❤️🙏❤️💕
Hi Lisa. I once told someone about the disfunction in my childhood and they responded with a "You must be one very strong lady". It just showed me how Very Confused so many people are in their understanding of Reality. 💝
I always felt like I never belonged since I was in kindergarten. But it makes sense. My mom and dad were obsessed with each other and very toxic. I’m glad my awakening started 2017 and I’ll never go back.
I grew up in a house where my parents argued,screamed and yelled all day and even in the early mornings which lead me from not reaching my full potential in school. They both teased me, ( on top of me being bullied outside the home ) talked bad about me to other siblings, family members etc…my mother made me watch children that she agreed to babysit and kept all the money. After I got married and had children she in my darkest hour after my ex husband abandoned us, made my life hell. She screamed at me consistently if I needed any help at all. I got deadly sick while living out of state with a newborn baby, my ex was out to sea at the time. I was in the hospital for a week, the EMS drivers took my one month old to a neighbors home. My parents didn’t come help me or call to Che on me because they said they didn’t like my ex. My dad put me out at 17 years old, right after graduating from high school saying he didn’t have money for me for college, so I got married. He was angry that I got married too. I could never make them happy…
64 years on the planet and most if not all have been spent feeling unloved...in spite of how much love I feel for and give to others. Its a conscious act to heal...to will yourself to heal. The light days more and more outnumber the dark days. Thanks to you and so many others who light the way. God bless you!
Thank you Lisa , I was adopted at 2yrs old. I recall wanting to run away from home to “go Home” to my previous nanny. I never understood why my new parents spent time with my elder brother but left me on my own to entertain myself. I felt so abandoned, it affected me for more than 20 yrs. i
Absolutely glad to stumble on your content, you are amazingly concise and succinct with your delivery and every word holds weight. The 10 steps of healing you outlined are just gold and I will be applying it to my inner child to manage my trauma too. Thank you
18:42 "between realities" !BOOM!😟 That is a profound and new concept that makes SO MUCH SENSE. Indeed, this is a great explanation of the stress and discomfort of leaving behind all that is "Normal"--and stepping into the UNKNOWN wilderness 😳
I grew up in fear. Always fighting in house. No one there for me. Alcoholic emotionally unavailable mom and mentally ill dad. There was no space for me except to survive in the chaos. I have lived in that survival mode for many years still. It is tiring and gets in the way of everything to live fully.
Lisa I can't express how much your videos have helped me and I want to thank you. My birth mother had me at 17, was beaten up and thrown down stairs several times while pregnant with me, had me back and forth between her and other caretakers for the first year and 3 months of my life, then gave me up for adoption. She had emotional issues, borderline, no maternal instinct, and was sexually abused my her mother's boyfriend at 8 and 9 years old for almost 2 years straight. When I went to my adoptive family, I went to parents of the WW2 generation (I'm 50---gen X), where my adoptive mom had her own 4 kids then adopted 4 more and had foster children in and out temporarily for a while (before I got there). The woman was a Catholic Joan Crawford and very functional on an intellectual level (2 master's degrees), but very low emotional IQ. Catholic school teacher (was meaner than the nuns) and was verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive. Then I met my real mom at 20 and found 2 younger brothers who she had and later left at ages 6 and a year and a half. Albert was the younger one she left at a year and a half. When I met him I felt a close kinship to him and his energy and his father's family also noticed it. I think it was because I felt what he felt from mom leaving. He committed suicide 5 years after I met him. Then his father's family including my other brother cut me and my mom off (they were disgusted with her, but also because I reminded them of Albert. Then I drove a truck for a while and joined the army. I never had a relationship with a woman for longer than 2 months and they only come along once every 7 or 8 years. I also spent 4 years in the army in a recon unit and went to Bosnia. It's been an interesting life lol. Friends and therapists have remarked they're amazed I made it without turning out alot worse and even more amazingly that I didn't let it make me a better person and have remained a kind person. Neither one of my mothers knew how to love and I've never even felt love and don't know if I ever will.
Be Centered, Grounded ad Balance in The Holy Trinity Having God in your mind centers you. Having Jesus in your heart grounds you. Having the Holy Spirit surrounding you balances you. Having the Holy Trinity divinely directs you and protects you.
This is so much like me.... I have so much neglect, abandonment, chaos, and isolation with my upbringing. I have found at a young age, I was meant to take care of myself just because of neglect but I didn't feel totally safe nor was the parent who I would be with was totally invested in the present moment of my well-being or attention. I found that asking for help only results in an argument or judgment. In addition my mother has a disability relatives would shun me, and my father was an alcoholic. People only saw me as a product of these people; so I too rejected them also to build a wall of my own rejection.
I just want to say thank you so much for being a great educator , person and support for narcissist survivors , I’m literally crying , feeling supported & validated, seen , and heard . God bless .
Childhood trauma and consistent emotional neglect caused me to isolate in my childhood. I learned that I can't trust anyone. The lack of trust is still present today at 61 years old.
You can heal🙏
I too am 61 yrs old, married to my 2nd husband now for 30 years. He to this day says I keep secrets and don't "share" with him. He cannot understand how unsafe it is to reveal anythinng to anyone. When you are raised by a narc mom, anythinng she finds out that is important to you she will either take it away or ruin it. You learn early not to reveal anything of substance.
Omg I am instantly crying reading your post. I know the pain. It still haunts me and I'm 58. It is a deep wound that surfaces even now. Let's pray for each other. I have such horrible trust issues. Spent 10 years in a narcissistic relationship with a man. That just further exasperated the distrust of men. I swear to God sometimes I look at men like they're another species! I'm not exaggerating.
Omg I am instantly crying reading your post. I know the pain. It still haunts me and I'm 58. It is a deep wound that surfaces even now. Let's pray for each other. I have such horrible trust issues. Spent 10 years in a narcissistic relationship with a man. That just further exasperated the distrust of men. I swear to God sometimes I look at men like they're another species! I'm not exaggerating.
@@rlnstn9300 it hits like a wave
The mother wound is always the worst because they birthed us…then to be rejected and betrayed
You are not alone. Not the only one to endure this pain, it really, really hurts. My mother wound leave me with a bottle for a week, luckily my Auntie found me laying in my own faeces and urine. She then adopted me.
@@MickeyDs-mp7yr Wow, thank goodness your Auntie found you. Bless you. x
❤
😂
Disgusting that you would laugh at someone who has experienced that.
I started to heal once I had my daughter, I healed my self by loving her ..I treated her the way I wished I had been loved and treated..
Me too x I had my little girl 34 years ago, I held against me, looked at her precious face and remember thinking "how could MY mother not have loved me?"
Currently doing that now. I have a 4 month old. I didn’t expect having her to bring up so many issues I thought I had worked through.
I used to give every “mom “ person in my life so much grace, but now it’s like I could never imagine doing 1/4 of anything that ever happened to me to her. It broke my heart all over again I swear. 😢
How do you know that you’re healed?
I did this also. But now I am an empty nester. And have struggled more in life than I have ever had. Because that did not cure me. It kept me hidden till the reality came out. Not good putting this just in your children.
Healing and realizing you passed on the trauma to your children has to be the worst thing ever
I’m thinking that, at 70, I should have my act together. Instead I’m isolated and angry and distrustful. I’m beginning to see, from your channel, that I’m not the only one and I can still change.👍🏼❤️
Yes you can 😊I'm 74 and still learning about why my life has been so hard thank you Lisa Romano and Jesus for giving me hope ❤❤❤
Yesssss!!! 🎉
You're definitely not alone
Nope not alone
Rooting for you
I paid an embarrassing amount of money just to hear this for free by someone I’ve never met, but somehow have more respect for than my 2 year same therapist . THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!
2 years also with a therapist and I poured my entire soul to make sure I didn't "leave" anything out and I never heard of this. This came to me while meditating yesterday and since, it was like a huge 'AHAAAAAA' moment since.
@@neoreign guys I’m crying hearing this she’s amazing
Having a photo of my 3 year old self in my phone helps me tremendously in reminding me not to abandon "her", not to betray "her", to check in with how "she" feels about certain people. And I've noticed that i started to make different decisions when I take "her" into consideration.
This all started in 2019 when I printed this photo & set it up on my bookshelf. Since then I've moved to a different state & stopped being friends with takers & users. I've changed jobs from places that were not supportive of me & I feel much more secure in my emotions, my life feels less chaotic when I am faced with difficult situations, and more even keel when I have to speak with difficult people like my mom. The practice of setting better boundaries has made my life more peaceful. Having that photo around really really helps!
I love this idea! Thanks for sharing it 🤗
Im going to do this also 🤗
Me 3😊
This is so very clever ❤
I'm going to try this
Thank you
As a 41 year old man it is so hard to admit to myself after all the healing I've done only to find out that I'm still broken and have childhood trauma is very humbling but I haven't give up I'm still alive I can still make a difference
Wishing you well and to let you know that I am 65yrs and have done tons of healing and lately had a melt down again, and realized that I am not healed....so sad at times!
I am 71 years old and the daughter of an emotionally detached, abandoning father an overly critical narcissistic mother. I'm watching all these videos. I want to go to therapy, but they all say it doesn't do any good to hash and rehash the past. They want to start with the present. That won't help me.
@@ninaabernathy2493 Look into healing energy and Bruno Groening Circle of friends. Its not easy to overcome emotions that are bottled up in the body. We need energy for this. This is free circle of friends doesnt take money and they are in almost every city in the world.
Same… I thought I was so healed until I truly put together how narcissistic and abusive my childhood was. Healing is not linear!! ❤ you are not alone
@@ninaabernathy2493 Keep looking for therapists, they're supposed to be there to help you with what you want to work on, not direct your path.
1) Acknowledge the feeling of abandonment. 9:20
2)Acknowledge shame. 11:10
3)How is the effect of abandonment showing up in your behaviour? 13:53
4) Identify any false beliefs. 16:33
5) Reframe all negative statements. 17:36
6) Talk to your inner child. ( focus on your inner world rather than your outer world) 19:30
Thanks, Prism.
Thanks
And, admit it is your fault they abandoned you. You did something wrong or were just not good enough.
Tks!
@@johnmadsen37 you must be kidding
I found picture of me when I was 5yo. My face is dirty, my pants were crooked to the side and was wearing 2 different shoes and even though I look as if I had just woke up, I am posing in front of a rose bush with a smile from ear to ear and the confidence of a super model. I had forgot I was once so confident and fearless... I will protect her.
Thank you!!
She is you. She never left; she was pushed into hiding. All you have to do is RECLAIM her. Choose to give her a presence in your life, take care of her, ask her how she feels and what she wants, and let her come out and play. Much love!
Both my parents were emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and alcoholics. It was rare and short lived occasions where I would feel safe at home. To make things worse, I was horribly bullied at school by students and by teachers. Not being able to feel safe anywhere put my brain on such overdrive I started having hundreds of seizures a day. Things only got even more worse when I was sexually abused for 6 years of my childhood. I’m 37 years old and the amount of shame I carry has been so heavy for so long. I’ve made it a mission in my life to reprogram my subconscious mind and try to create a feeling of safety within my nervous system. I am so glad information like this is more readily available these days. Literally saving lives. Thank you for all that you do. 💜
atta girl.
Also, Storm, please don't forget God. He wants a relationship with you and even to Heal you. He Wills to Secure you again. God Loves you and Wants to be your Friend. Love, Shandalay
lol l lol lol ooo o o N n ..
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Mm)
❤Wishing you well in your new life of safety and happiness! ❤️
Oh honey I’m so sorry and you’re not alone. My story is so similar and I’m 37 too.
That’s me all me. I’m fearful I don’t feel safe. I isolate I feel people are a threat 😢I’m tired of it! It’s difficult as hell!
What hurts the most is watching your younger brother and younger sister being treated totally different than you. They are the cats miaow in my mothers eyes. And this craziness still continues today. I'm 62 years old
Same here 😢
sounds like narcissists...they alsways have a golden child an a scapegoat
I am also, an “Identified Patient” nice way of saying the black sheep of the family! I was born with a strong rebellion against authority because my siblings were treated differently than I!
They got away with nothing! Not that any of them(3 siblings) listened to anything I had to say completely because non of them could retell anything I told them accurately! Just know that taking yourself personally out of the equation and looking at yourself as if you wanted to understand your pain and why you self sabotage. I learned to develop a healthy self esteem at almost 50. 25 years of therapy and really bad choices & medical issues to boot, I finally started to know why I was who I had been!
Door mat NO MORE!
Be gentle with yourself! Show yourself the same kindness you would show someone you love dearly! You deserve to live your best & happiest life!
I can relate to what you went through. My mom has always favored men or boys (my brother, nephew, son in law's etc.) in her life. I confronted her on this recently and she agreed that she doesn't like women.
@@krisskross8985when I used to say that, I didn’t like myself.
My sister is the 'golden child' and I am the 'scapegoat'. I took a risk recently to refuse to apologize to smooth over an uncomfortable situation she was responsible for and she reacted by ignoring me and campaigning against me in my family, further scapegoating me. She never apologizes - even as a kid she literally drowned me in a pool and *I* got blamed by my Mom for drowning (which I then apologized for!!). My family never gave me a sense of safety. Thank you for helping me understand the dynamics in my family. It gives me hope for making healthy relationships, even if it's not my family of origin.
Wow, I am sorry you have lived that. Similar for me but thankfully my drowning experience was not the fault of anyone abusive or emotionally unavailable etc. (although as I drowned my thought was, "My parents are not going to take the story of this incident well if I stay dead and I can imagine them treating the messengers who tell them the news badly"...so I was praying that if I was supposed to definitively die right now then, my parents wouldn't blame anyone.
My mother had me to trap my father into staying in a marriage.
It didn't work and he left before I was born.
I was neglected as I was now just another mouth to feed
My older siblings saw me as a threat and abused me.
I became very withdrawn and introverted.
My life has been infected by narcissists .
This I've learned is due to my abandonment .
At the time of my mother's funeral I was told i wasn't welcome .
I attended her funeral and I did it for my mum, and me.
And I held my head up to make her proud
I was asked if I had any photos of me as a young boy because they couldn't find any for the family collage.
That alone spoke volumes to me .
I am still learning and I now know I am worthy of happiness, which comes from within.
I give thanks everyday for my strength and health .
I was literally born to loose , but I survived.
I'm grateful for being me, no matter how painful it has been.
Suffering brings growth and strength and wisdom
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Peace, and God bless
U v grown as u r close to God. Without Him it sdifficult to overcome trauma.
As I sit here listening to you telling my life story while simultaneously attempting not to sob aloud, I am somehow unable to quell my eyes from filling up as tears flow down my cheeks. I am a 67-year-old woman and know that my siblings and I still suffer from what we endured as children as each and every one of us feels so much calmer and safer living as we do: alone.
getting older and living without a spouse seems too sad, i would try to find a partner💕
Please let the tears flow, don’t stifle your feelings. Let it out ❤️
@no chains no more 2 things only: 1) please do be open to change. Change/movement/evolution is good. Every single minute the earth is moving. We don’t feel it. It is gradually. It’s good. Seasons change. So that new leaves 🍃 🍁 come on the branches of the trees. Anyone, any thing that does not change/evolves, dies.
2) For you. Not your family. Each of us, we are like a tree🌳 we get older to provide wisdom (shade) and teach only those who want it. But we come first. It’s not selfish.take great care of yourself.
@no chains no more aaaaaaymen.
@@nammyohorengekyoooooo That is kind of sad too. A partner is no solution to anything and can lead to staying stuck in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone.
This is so good. When you don't get to know yourself as a child (because you are just trying to survive) you really can become an emotionally marooned adult.💛
What an excellent way to describe the problem of the child and the result in adulthood.
@@youraccount7003 🌼💛
I was so damaged. Emotionally as a child I now realize Why I am so confused and always looking for love only to run from it .This is a confusing roller coaster. Thanks for decoding my life. I am just listening to this and tears came to my eyes.
Yes I relate as a fearful avoidant attachment style too xx
May you evolve into a Love that naturally flows out of you....and be with someone who makes you feel safe. 💕
That's been the most surprising to me. Running from love.
Lisa Romano is gifted at taking complex psychological dynamics and breaking them down into terms that are understandable. Thank you Lisa. Namaste 🙏🏻
Thank you kindly 🙏
I've never met anyone who can break it down like her. She's simply fantastic in her storytelling methodology.
I have “just” come to realize that we will “call to us” that which has not yet healed…….In an ongoing invitation for reconciliation & healing. When we have reconciled & healed the wound, we will no longer call it toward us…………. 🙏💕
My mum died when I was four years old, after that was abused, I still even now don't know how to emotionally let anyone in.
@@SuLawn That's tough! ❤️🤗
Boy did she describe me. A loner due to a narcissist mother so as an adult I prefer to be alone and definitely not ask for help. Don't feel comfortable around people,not trusting, and had feelings of not feeling lovable.
Me too 😕
I have a few more affirmations that I use almost every morning and night:🌻
i am valuable
All my feelings are ok!
I deserve respect and kindness.
I do my best to feel better every day
My self-respect grows every day
I am thankful for the good things in my life
I can communicate my feelings openly!
I say no if I don't want something!
I am important
I only let love into my life
I deserve to be appreciated
I choose love over fear
i am lovable
I deserve to receive love 💜
I deserve security
I don't need to be perfect - I am lovable the way I am
i'm treating myself with kindness and respect
So simple they're easy to forget the truths like this. Thank you for sharing.
From outside appearance i had an idyllic childhood, but have long suspected that my mothers emotional unavailability mixed with my damaged father, who was literally abandoned by his mother as a young child, has really damaged me and my brothers.
Im 59, have 4 wonderful children, but they have 3 different fathers. I've been cheated on by every man I've been with, and eventually abandoned by them. The few men I've known that treated me well, I've always disengaged from the relationship and ultimately sabotaged it . I still seek my mother's approval, but only receive criticism. Even after losing my closet friend of 40 years to sudden death, and this week my beautiful dog in traumatic circumstances, she can't say anything other than platitudes, such as "well you're lucky to have a job, try to get through the day, and I,'m upset too" Honestly, i have to get all my emotional support from you tube ! I've been alone for over 10 years now, people always say , but you're so attractive, you could have any man you want etc. But I've realised at this late stage in life that I am emotionally damaged and will probably never have a loving relationship with a man .
Sorry for the long post, im grieving my dog , who I loved like a child, and have always found relationships with animals easier than with people, but im gradually realising it's not my fault entirely.
Thank you.
Hope you are doing ok… best wishes to you…😊😊
I do hope you are doing ok. Cheaters are the worst.
I found this video by searching “how to find meaning after childhood emotional neglect” because I have been feeling burnt out, in pain, ashamed over my past actions, I feel as if I have no place in this word..I don’t know what I’m doing in this world, can’t figure out my purpose, hobbies, I feel like a brick. I don’t feel human.
My abandonment issues have been controlling my life and relationships for far too long. I’m 21 and discovered what emotional neglect was a year and a half ago. I wrote notes throughout your video so I won’t forget, so thank you. This won’t be the last video I watch of yours. I am so grateful. 💜
I was screaming and crying to my mother recently trying to explain how hurt I was by her treatment growing up. She went and got a picture of herself as a little girl and said “how much love do you think I got?” I wanted to die.
That is the response I got from my mother..
Thank you for sharing. Now I feel less alone
I deeply feel your pain. At 43, I told my mother I’d always known she didn’t love or like me. Her deadpan response, “I didn’t know you knew.” I don’t know why I was stunned.
I have a Mother exactly like how you described yours. I feel your pain and you are not alone.
That is the pathetic sickening truth of my mothers attitude also. Out of pure spite they deliberately didnt give us a better deal than they got. Well, let me tell you, we may not get the recognition we deserve from these idiots, but they will pay an enormous price when their soul is shown to them in the after life. Their loveless deeds are mirrored to them and they no longer have the power of justification to deflect it, they will feel all the pain they inflicted and have profound remorse.
The meaning of life is to love and to be loved. They cut themselves off from their own enjoyment of love. Forgive them for (ultimately) they know not what they do.
Forgive (for our own hearts sake), but dont forget, limit exposure and stay safe.
Oh do I relate to this!
When you have narcissistic parents and have to grow up depending only on yourself it’s a long tough and scary road. Thankfully I made good choices for my life and fought, struggled and stayed strong. I have 2 college degrees and a happy and healthy home life with my 2 children. I’ve had to go through a divorce alone, raised 2 little kids without a “village” and had to accept that I had to love myself to be the strong and independent person I needed to be for my kids. When you realize YOU are all you have and go it alone you find freedom. Your expectations for other people are diminished and you are stronger for it. The road is NOT EASY but is worth it. ♥️ God bless anyone who is dealing with this!
As someone who is adopted I really needed this video. These wounds go deeper than anyone who wasn’t abandoned as a baby can understand
Same being adopted by covert achololic mother and emotionally unavailable father who died at 18 I feel as if I was abandoned three times before I was a real adult- this video was so helpful I’m watching it over and over again
"Being uncomfortable living between two realities." Transitioning from the old to the new. This is next level. This is surpassing Tony Robbins.
I truly, truly wish far more therapists were as intuitive, involved and Interactive with their clients as you. Far too many therapists get away with being lazy. They just sit and listen to you while taking hundreds of dollars from you per session. They don't actually work with you and give you the tools and skills that I needed for your everyday life so that you can move towards healing. Before you know it, two and three years have passed and you are still struggling with the same things and nothing has truly changed for you.
I think most people don't know what to expect from therapy. They trust that the therapist knows what they're doing. It is NOT okay for a therapist to be lazy and passive. I think it is so dishonest to keep taking someone's money while not giving them the services that they are paying you for and not giving them the care that they need. It is basically stealing! I think there should be some sort of standards or criteria for counselors and therapists whereby their ability to provide quality services is more regulated so that they cannot get away with providing subpar or even zero care to their clients.
Some therapists have not had training in trauma, abuse and personality disorders/narcissism. It is a specialized field. I had a therapist for three years. He was nice, but he just didn’t get it. I was doing all of the research, trying to comprehend the abuse I have been through but he just didn’t understand. I changed therapists and have one now that understands and it is so validating. If you’re not getting what you need find a different one that is educated in the field.
All I did as a child was read or look forward to the time when I could read… escape. Thank you for this video 🙏
I used books too. Any story with elves and wizards where good always triumphed over evil, where people cared deeply for each other.
Same here. Books were my escape.
I used to read constantly as well. Growing up, I wanted to live in the library. Didn't know I was escaping though. Thank you 😊 Hmmm, answers some questions.
@@richardstevens7547 I have two words that describe my childhood: lonely and oblivious. I just became aware of "oblivious." I think the books aided the oblivious. I was deeply in denial.
I loved to read, too!
It was a wonderful world!
It was a way to exit that dysfunctional, insecure spance, and create another reality I loved!
It was sublime!
I loved it!
I wouldn't call it escape, but leaving.
It was managing until one could physically leave.
But it was brilliantly managing it uo make it very pleasant and create a wonderful space & reality that rendered fantastic emotions!
It was a breakthrough & victory!
It was living in peace & beauty!
Love & Best!
+Q-S/
This video is an affirmation for those who feel deep discord with themselves due to childhood trauma. Many of us are ignored, gaslit or called too sensitive so, we shell and isolate to stay sane, protected and functional. After growing up in a divorced home at 2yrs old and feeling outcast by siblings and cousins and kids at school, I struggled to feel connected to anyone, even myself. I suffered from extreme emotional neglect, physical abuse and shaming from my mother, sexual abuse by a family member that compounded when I was shamed and punished by my mother for being sexually aroused at 4yrs old. I was never checked on emotionally through it all. My sad inner child has suffered so much behind an overwhelmingly exhausting, people pleasing adult persona with no boundaries and a trapped voice most of my life. I didn't speak up about it to any one until I hit my late 30s. I really didn't feel permission to acknowledge my own feelings ever. I have finally gotten an opportunity to self heal but this journey has been scary Everyday is challenging to attempt to discover and morphe into someone different than only what I have always known. I certainly don't want to go back to any of that and want to improve from my feelings of worthlessness. This takes courage and Mrs. Romano's video, what she says about our early second layer of programming, acknowledging and reframing is a tremendous dose of expert guidance. Thank you for providing us with the tools for each of our unique journeys.... which I believe will be life long for me--- in daily doses. 😂 laugh to keep from crying.
P.S. Kind regards to everyone discovering here.
1. Acknowledge abandonment happened .
2. Acknowledge shame from
abandonment, that you assumed blame from that .
3. How does this feeling of abandonment show up in your life ?(Experience ,emotion ,belief ,and action ) How do you isolate or block intimacy …
4. Identify the false beliefs associated with fear of abandonment . Negative self talk . Write in journal .
5. Actively and deliberately change negative self talk . (With an affirmation in journaling )
6. Talk to the wounded inner child .Connect to your heart . What do you want , think and feel ? Create a positive perception of self . (How this shaped your ego and ego defense mechanism )
7. Get a picture of your younger self and print it in a frame . This is the image to help you to connect to feeling space . Develop empathy and compassion for inner self .
8. acknowledge the world of reality ,not as you wish it to be . Stop magical thinking . Journal about who you trust and can’t trust in the world . Past and present. Have I ignored certain people that I can’t trust ? Am I reducing those whom I can trust ?
9. Start setting boundaries . Don’t seek approval .
10. Trust yourself more. Find safety in your self . Self care
Watch through to the end. Subscribe and like . Lisa’s books are fantastic .
Thank you 💜
Thank you so much - 11 minutes in and I was about to close the video.
Thanks for the summary 👍
Lisa’s books helped a lot !
I was neglected by my mother, then moved to live with emotionally absent guardians, including one with narcissistic tendencies. I have ADHD and therefore my inabilities, that I had no control over, were blamed on being irresponsible and not caring. I married an Anxious Avoidant on the Autism scale.
I seek nothing but acceptance for the "mess" I am.
A recently ended relationship brought up attachment disorder. So, here I am, learning how to be a healthier person on my own.
I have feelings for a girl who was abandoned by her mother any suggestions you have for me it’s so hard to get her to open up.
Lisa thank you from the depths of my soul. I am so broken and my life is in shambles. I have overcome so much trauma in my life but these last few years have been devastating due to my trapped mind state. I have zero confidence in myself even though I have accomplished so much. You explained gaslighting in a way that allowed me to see how my family has programmed me to feel incompetent. I can do nothing right by them either. Thank you because today I'm finally allowing myself to cut the strings and move on. It still hurts but what a relief to let go of wanting or needing their love or approval. I'm ready to heal.
IM GOING THRU THE EXACT SAME THING...THE DEPTHS OF THIS PAIN ARE INDISCRIBABLE...NOW WE DONT FEEL SAFE...WE ARE IN CONSTANT FIGHT OR FLIGHT!
I AM PRAYING WE CAN HEAL OUR PERCEPTION AND BECOME HEALTHY AND WHOLE THEN OUR LIVES CAN FINALLY BE FULFILLING
FYI LISTEN WITH HEADPHONES TO BINURAL BEATS 528 HZ ON YOU TUBE TO UP YOUR ENERGY AND FREQUENCY:) love and light✴️❇️✴️✳️✳️✳️✴️❇️✴️
______chantal____________
You can do this I was trapped in a biological father narcissist situation ran to the first man who looked at me to escape was married for 36 years to another narcissist who Not only was he a narcissist he wouldn't work I work two to three jobs my whole life we had those two beautiful children. He was a raging narcissist he was verbally abusive he was a Percocet Nar cot I've been divorced 11 years now and I'll never look at another man it is taking me all this time and energy to realize what he was he was a raging narcissist and I was a raging and I was a codependent so anyway you can do this it's worth it it's worth everything
Rhonda, I can completely relate!!!
But if you've accomplished so much, you clearly do have self-confidence. My C-PTSD means I don't do anything, completely paralysed.
You just gave me 32 minutes of peace. That i have not had in 33 years thank you.
This video is so incredibly healing, as I'm well into my adulthood I realize that I was left to figure life out on my own at a very early age and that makes me not only feel very alone in my world but stops me from experiencing people objectively because I trust a few people and sometimes the ones that I let in aren't good for me. Thank you Lisa for this, I'm glad I found your channel because I am about to unlock the once happy and lively child within
I'm p
Congratulations 🦋
Big hugs to you 🤗 ❤️ 💖
41 years of life feeling this way that I can never get back. Definitely time to start truly healing this guilt and shame now. Thanks for this video x
Me (50) and you John.
It works!
41 years old here also and agree it is time to for all of us to heal. Best wishes on your journey John.
Another 41 year old here trying to heal! We can do this 💪🏻
How do you overcome the feeling of "so much wasted time" and "it's too late"? I can't get past it.
I haven’t talked to my mom in a year ….all of the things she said and did didn’t make any sense to me until I learned what narcissism was ….then it all made perfect sense
Don't look back!
omg. my stepdads favorite line was the “you think your life is hard, you have it easy compared to me” like it’s not even about that tho i’m not ok and i never was. they never and to this day don’t validate my feelings/sisters and say it was because we were kids or this and that. like no. jus bc we were kids does not mean our feelings weren’t real or valid. they used it as an excuse to treat us badly
A child who decides that the world is a hostile place, is not necessarily wrong...
But they aren’t right either! Black and white thinking is what gets us in trouble. There are grey areas and this is one of those- there are SO many safe places in this world full of love and hope and peace. But unfortunately there are also just as many unsafe places full of violence and hate. That’s why it’s important to decide where to live and who to allow into your life-peace is possible and safety is possible but you can’t repeat cycles of narcissistic abuse/neglect by choosing narcissistic partners or friends
😭💔 Thank you Lisa! I was raised by a narcissistic mother and an enabling dad. They have both passed on and I still love them but I see why I have such interpersonal (romantic) issues. God bless you! I’m leaving a marriage to a narcissist. I’m working on my childhood wounds. ❤️🕊🙏🏼🌈
Opposite for me. Narcissistic father and enabling mother.
Good for u to leave. I promise you the bond and cognitive dissonance will lie to you but about 3-6 mos. away from it u will sit up and say “oh my gosh I never needed him, it was like being married to my mom.” Now I can start living
I was in a very similiar situation...you got this, girl. Focus on God and your healing, He will make a way! Hugs 🫂♥️
Update? Hope your living your best life!!
Why would you love an abusive person? It doesn't matter if it's a parent - an abusive person is an abusive person.
As a child, all I needed was to be understood emotionally, be told that I will be supported and distress will be taken care of by mom..but was left on my own to process my emotions because mother was blind to my inner chaos because I was a quiet child. I spent most of life in my head and being alone I feel much safer than being around my family because for me safety is about being understood for my needs and emotions
You'll never be good enough to the wrong person and they will never be good enough to you and the narcissis will never be good enough to you 👍 Lisa and survivors and thrivers 🙏🦋
My world was never safe when I was growing up, and I really completely trust no one. Childhood neglect, bad emotional abuse and physical abuse with alcohol and drug abuse in the home left me ALWAYS feeling LONELY and unloved. I recently just started making boundaries that I let no one cross anymore. I am very rigid now, but it beats being a door mat for everyone !!! I am still figuring myself out. Learning to love myself and give myself grace !!!
Really wish I had gotten help with this as a child, then teen, and now I’m about to be 35.. and just now taking proper steps to heal. Fear of abandonment can seriously take over your whole life. I’ll never forget begging my mom to stay with my hands wrapped around her ankles. And now as a married woman I’m in constant fear of abandonment even on the best day. 😓
There are so many of us going thru this. It's nice to know we aren't alone in it.
I’m 21 years old and I am realizing how much my abandonment issues as a child is influencing my present life. I am use to the survival mode because I grew up in domestic abuse home, so no one was really there to talk about those things through me.
Yes, you need to heal Dear One and to learn to honor your inner child's experience.
I hope you’re in a better place now & I’m glad you’re getting to heal from your trauma while still relatively young
Breakthrough… my fear of rejection is founded in being hypersensitive and dependent upon what others think of me, the need for acceptance and validation, all the while continuing to treat myself the way I’ve been treated by giving my feelings and what I want/expect from others a back seat. Thank you
Yes I completely relate to this exactly
Physically neglected as a kid and teen and now in my 30s trying to escape a 16 year relationship with a narcissist - this video is spot on with my life
You can do it!
hello, just read this, i was neglected and abused mentally and physically by adopted parents, I'm 60 this year with kids and grand kids but also trying to escape a 36yr narcissistic marriage, this vid also spot on for me, I'm ok and everything and getting there. it helps me to know there's others in the same puzzle I wish you well
@@hewittgilbert wishing you well too! I am hopeful for a future without abuse, manipulation and control. Wishing you the best 🙂
I escaped a psycho one. You've got this.. happiness is just on the other side 💚🦋
Sounds like me
I was gas-lit by my covert narcissistic mother and my alcoholic father my entire teenage and young adult life that "you didn't have a bad childhood, right?".
" you weren't bullied at school, right?"
I used to just keep my mouth shut and agree but now I kNOw way more!!
I don't even get to have a relationship with my extended family or even my immediate family because of their toxic gaslighting games.
Yuk.
I hear you💗💗💗💗💗🤍
If your parents were stating that bullying in school caused you problems they are probably right because bullying is a form of child abuse it's not normal
@@dampergoldenrod4156 you're right. I misspelled weren't to were.
I mother denied the bullying, instead.
I was bullied at home by my family and at school by peers.
When a child says to its parents "I love you" what it means is actually " I have nowhere else to go". When an adolescente says "I love you" to its parents it means " I am not sure how to leave".
Wow that's so true
I was neglected by my mom, who got into drugs when i was 4. I had to feed myself what I could and I remember seeing her shoot up, and watching her passed out, unresponsive. It haunts me to this day, despite the love of my grandmother who was the "stable mom figure". I don't ask for help. I don't trust people, even the man I've been with 20 years. You've helped me more than any counselor I've tried to talk with. Thanks Lisa
I could relate with you. My mom was a heroine addict and neglected me (age 8) and my siblings. My dad was MIA. My grandmother was an child abuser to another child in the family and she never fed us. I don’t know where to start with therapy to be my best self now at 48
When the veil is finally lifted and you see the pattern, the truth of what the narcissist is doing, and you change the only thing you control - if and how YOU respond to the pattern - it's like flipping on the lights in a room. The roaches that can only survive in the deceit and manipulations behind the veil scatter! The looks, the fluttering eyelashes and word salad that comes at you as they begin to realize you aren't joining them in the abusive dance but you're not sad, crying, angry or tense either - priceless!
I recently did this when both brothers and our mother were all together. Mom wanted to "clear the air" referencing the low/no contact I implemented 3 years ago after my bullying older brother sent me a verbally abusive email, and he and Mom shunned me at a large family wedding. She asked each of us if we had anything to say, asking both brothers first. Of course, they set the table with "I don't have any issues with anyone here." When it was my turn at last, I was supposed to say (and would have said 5 years ago) "I'm sorry if I've seemed distant. I've been busy and blah, blah."
Instead, I looked directly at each of them in turn and told them, calmly, exactly what I would no accept from them, from verbal abuse (with concrete examples) to the gaslighting "I don't know how that happened" "That's just how he is" etc., and invalidating me by silently, passively standing by when this is going on right in front of you or even endorsing it to protect yourself.
It only took me about 5 minutes, and it got easier as I went along. I didn't let them interrupt me, which meant that I had to keep talking over them, saying "Just let me finish, please."
When I was done, Mom looked at my younger brother who was only in town for about 24-hours. He's lived in a distant state for 35 years and is the passive, neutral, peace-maker who is never, ever abused and ignores overtly abusive behavior directed at me, directly in front of him. Mom said, "Steve, I'm sorry. I . . . " Yep. She started apologizing to him, as if inviting me to be present, never mind allowing me to speak, was a major social gaffe requiring an apology.
I left after telling Mom that I disagreed that an apology was due, when she had initiated the conversation and insisted that each of take a turn to "clear the air" - her exact words. I said I would need to skip having lunch with them, after all, because I don't spend time with people who apologize to each other for including me in their group. I wished them a pleasant afternoon, my younger brother a safe trip home, and got myself out of that stuffy, depressing room.
I've never, ever felt so sure and so good about an interaction within that snake pit. I've always felt bad about myself, confused about why, and then would ruminate about it for days and days. This time was different, and I know I can follow through consistently with benign detachment the next time we're all together.
This explains why I have magical thinking. I tend to fantasize about the future with someone as if its going to happen and get soo disappointed and hurt when it doesn't happen.
I dont know how to stop that and be more in the now.
Same here!
I'm a firm believer in setting children up for a lifetime of success through a healthy and loving childhood. Ensuring they have high self esteem and showing them how loved they are set the foundation for a confident and healthy adult hood
It can be very subtle. No mean words or kind words. No smiles or glowing eyes. No time spent with me but given nice gifts on birthdays and xmas. No instruction in how to be a woman. Not once asked if I'd met someone. Taken care of physically and never touched, held or played with. Really got indifferent once I was a young adult. Sent me to college but didn't say congratulations, smile, share my joy on graduation. Didn't give me a hug or a card when i finally married late in life. Seemed to want me to go away. Refused to see my first home or second one.
When you said she never seemed to care how I felt, you hit it on the nail for me. I don't think she knew how to connect with anyone that way.
My problem is that I keep thinking maybe I'm just an ingrate, expected too much. I am left with guilt and shame.
You are not alone. I am not alone. Reading your post was similar to my childhood. I have to sit and breathe when I listen to videos and read posts. The big validation is now how God sees me regardless of my human experience. I have found peace in knowing who I am and ultimately came from. I am not abandoned but have a spirit within that fights for me. I live in this light so I can walk around in this dark world made up of all these struggling beings.
@@belindadhooks Thank you for sharing your understanding and kindness, Belinda.
That’s the narcissistic parent. Outward appearances matter to them, not inner experiences. Lazy minded adults, consumed with their own stories.
I was a colicky baby, my mother would just let me cry on end to where I had to have surgery when I was 6 months old because of a hernia. She once said to my grandmother I understand why mothers throw their babies against the wall. Needless to say my grandmother picked me up and took me home for a while. My mother also said to me, your first child is your throwaway child. Do you know how much that pained me and stabbed me in the heart. This is the environment that I was raised in from infancy. I'm 62 years old and still learning how to trust and feel safe in this world even though I've done lots of work around it. Thanks so much for this video. 🙏 oh yeah, my mom thought she was such a great mother, WRONG!
A lot of my shame for feeling the way I feel is because I did have a "good childhood". I had food and clothes and a consistently physically present parent. But I was horribly bullied at school from elementary to to high school. I was made to feel like I was over reacting and I just needed to be tougher. I also had a lot of core parent and family members leave and never come back. So yeah on the outside everything was fine but on the inside it was a very lonely painful childhood. And then I feel angry for letting something from my childhood continue to affect me all these years later.
Same here....I keep trying to tell myself that it's in the past, but the memories from my childhood are still very vivid.
It hurts worse to suffer in silence and deal with the guilt of feeling what you feel. A picture-perfect life should never overshadow your authentic feelings. Your experiences matter. Continue healing from what so many people around you may not understand. You deserve to evolve emotionally.
Thank you Lisa. I was raised by a narcissist mother which I’ve only started to figure out. She was jealous of me and that I looked like my father. That I am tall. She would constantly criticise me and call me fat but always under the guise of ‘caring’ for me. She looked after me physically but tortured me psychologically. Often saying she wished she’d never had me then being so over the top lovely to me. Or saying to me comments that minimised my emotions. She told me I was too sensitive and she couldn’t understand why I got so upset over being bullied at school because’they’ (my stepdad and her friends?) never found them to be mean comments according to them. She’d call me a donkey because apparently when she tried to get me to do what she wanted I’d just stand and stare at her. Now I know it’s freeze. She also discouraged me getting into my art and photography because that’s what she’d always dreamed of doing. It’s hard to swallow that your own mother just wants you to be smaller than her but it’s definitely the case with me. My father is an alcoholic that was brought up by my narcissistic grandmother and sent to boarding school at 5. He is avoidant and manipulative. He gaslights and punishes by ignoring or minimising me if I speak out against his opinions. Or have boundaries. I used to drink heavily like him because that’s what I thought was normal. Then he’d hassle me about my drunken behaviour and act angry. It’s like wow you’re the role model? Both parents abandon me all the time physically and emotionally. They never show up for me at all. I spent years in pain trying to work out why I was on planet earth and why I deserved this. Finally trying to heal at 43.
It isn't you, it's them remember, you didn't do anything wrong and no one deserves to be treated like that. Stay strong and I hope you find peace!
Sorry for the way you were treated. I found when I went no contact with my entire family I started healing and feeling so grateful I wasn’t around them anymore. Take care of you. Much love.
Wow it just amazes me how someone can experience so much abuse, confusion and instability as a child and then have the emotional strength and resilience to stand up and face this trauma and work through it! For you to be stomped down during your most formative years and to now have the strength and self awareness to stand up and reclaim your self worth goes to show the strength of your character to overcome. You are so brave and courageous and should be very proud of yourself for having integrity to acknowledge your trauma and work towards your healing. God bless you in your journey towards wholeness ❤
The neglect and mistreatment you described here is painful to even fathom. May the Universe bless you on your journey to process and find peace. I agree with the comments above. You are not the problem. Continue to love yourself just as you are even as you develop into a healthier version of you emotionally and even when it feels destabilizing to heal from all the pain and disappointment.... heal anyway.
Take good care
Lots of love and hugs to you ❤❤❤❤❤
I've been learning about the use of psilocybin for these kinds of issues. People consistently report feeling like 7 years of therapy took place in one "session". That's pretty incredible.
Not trusting people is a super power needed for REAL leadership, TRUE independence, & creativity.
I thought anger was a negative feeling l should work on it but was shame. Trauma plays games in our heads. Thanks, Lisa A.R.
The feelings and reminders show up when I see bad people receive love.
Therapy. Lots of therapy.
I'm loving the 21 Day Inner Child Journal 👌I'm shocked actually at the things that have come up for me. I've had several breakthroughs in just the first few days, and I'm not new to inner child work. Best under $20 self healing purchase EVER! I never endorse products but this Journal is not to be missed. Many thx Lisa for all your work!
Thank you so so so much🦋🦋🦋🦋 I am so happy it is helping ❤️
I have done a lot of Inner childwork..it is perpetual. I have been doing helaing work with with Lisa since 2016...she has changed my life! I am back again doing the 21Day Inner Child work...I am needing to revisit how I have been carrying my mother's pain and depression my
entire life (and the entire family's pain). I am an empath. I am just now learning to face my deepest fears. Very humbling...thank you, Lisa! You are my hero!
And what i do after those 21 days? Just continue the work?
Melissa Fredly where did you order the child Journal
Can I order the 21 day Journal 📓
Thank you Lisa, from my bed…all day. Isolating myself.
It feels horrible. Hiding away. I’m going to replay & write down this work and feeeeel it. Fake it til I make it.
This is me today. Praying for better days
This is me.....I hate it
I was programmed to fail at everything, to be incompetent and to remain a helpless child ding-dong my whole life. I'm learning and growing with videos like this but I certainly can't TRUST myself 😔
It's so hard.
I grew up in the projects in San Antonio. Alcoholic parents or no fathers around was normal for all my friends. It’s been a crazy journey to where I am still healing from all the violence, abuse and neglect. Surviving gangs, drive by’s, drugabuse, manipulation… this was my reality for my whole childhood. Thank you for this video.
My home. My childhood. My narcissistic mother. So much damage. Thankfully so much healing via this channel
The acknowledgement section HIT HOME. Ive felt abandoned in various relationships and friendships thru my life. I even started therapy to address this bc it’s starting to manifest in me isolating but still yearning for connection with others. I thought it was stemming from failed romantic and platonic relationships. But I’ve spent every session so far talking about my mom…. And I’ve recently realized that my relationship with her is the first and longest instance of abandonment I have. I’ve tried to express the effect my moms attitude/emotional absence has and is having on me to her with the hope that we can have a better relationship. And the response is always to gaslight me about my experience, victimize herself, and dismiss my feelings. Never an acknowledgement of my feelings even if her intent wasn’t malicious, just excuses. So when you said “they were unable to reach you at the level you needed. IT DOESNT MATTER WHY.” Wow..
That sounds a lot like my mother. It's scary. She's no longer here on Earth as cancer took her away from me and the family. So, I can't sit with her and talk through what I feel she has done to me.
How do u deal with her not being able to acknowledge the hurt? my mom knows she hurts me...she admitted it one day another days she gaslights me
@@ki2theana tbh I just write it off as her probably having her own mental illness (probably narcissism) and treat it like she’s physically unable to comprehend it when I tell her how she’s fallen short or hurt me. Like it’s a defense mechanism that literally prevents her mind from understanding (this is based on what I know about her own childhood traumas that she ironically thinks was normal). I’ve also done lots of research on narcissism which helped as well
Now I understand why I want to be alone and can't deal with my kids attitude that sounds like my mom. Thank you for this video! This is very helpful! ❤️🙏
True. And there's another one that psychologists don't mention because it's in astrology.
I started doing tons of inner work around the age of 20 and I am 58 now-- It changed everything to move away and only see my family rarely. In looking at my astrological map/cartography I can see what happened - Chiron crosses the area where I was born and mostly grew up-- very difficult with my family and really mean kids in school there. Wherever Chiron is in a chart or map is where a person has been wounded but cannot be healed-- The closest we come to healing is by giving same to others.
As soon as I could I moved to a place where my ascendant runs through, which is actually powerfully grounding. I've healed and grown in personal power TONS over the years here-- using many of the suggestions mentioned in this video.
I'm visiting my old home right now because I came back for a family wedding. It's depressing here in spite of how much I've grown= LOCATION can make a huge difference
“Decode the problem and then find a way to solve the problem” 🙏🙏❤️
Today I was going through alot with my thoughts and more. My mother abandoned me as a child and as I grew older I realized it was a family thing. They all leave you and disassociate from you when you need them most. And spend an unhealthy amount of time talking about you but wont help.This was a great help. Thank you so much. I love you so much for this.❤🎉
I was adopted relinquished at birth so this is primal for me
I am 31 years old that’s still a working progress spiritually & mentally. I grew up with a Narcissist, Emotionally Immature Mother that made a lot of bad choices & it was always someone else’s fault. Domestic violence & dis functional chaos was the life she chose for us; if she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t be. She never taught me how to love myself, be strong, to manage my emotions in a healthy way, & valuable life lessons that a Mother would teach her child. She did everything to could to keep me under her thumb & broke me to control. To this day, she’s very persistent to be present in my life for the wrong reasons & wants us to be “best friends” again. Cutting her out was very hard, but the best thing for me. Staying Strong for a better future 💪🏻
Thank you for this information! I was abandoned at birth as my mother had me at 13 and my father 14. I was assigned a guardian, my paternal grandmother, who abandoned me at age 13. I lived on my own ever since. At 27 I found my mother via a private investigator and we communicated for almost a year until she ghosted me by changing her number and moving. I thought we were building a relationship but she just vanished on me. I haven't heard from her in 10 years. My healing journey is lifetime....
I want to encourage you somehow. You have gone through so much! I can't imagine the hurt and suffering you have experienced. There is hope on the other side.... one step at a time will get you there! My wish to you is peace and strength.
@@krisskross8985 I think you for taking a moment out of your day and expressing words of encouragement. It's deeply appreciated in my healing journey 🤎
This is SO me!!! You are describing me!! I need to listen and really admit this is my childhood 😭😩!!! May I finally heal from this 🙌🙏!!!!
Wow, in just a little half hour of life I learned that what I thought was intense shyness when I was young was really SHAME! This is huge for me. I could never figure out why I was so "shy" as a child but not as an adult. Now I know it is because I had the wrong label on it. I am doing well now but I love the idea of the simple mantras or, "I am enough" and "I am lovable" etc while looking at yourself as a young child can be so powerful. Thank you so much for this information, I will continue to watch more videos.
Hello 👋Beautiful Lady 🌹..How are you and the weather condition like ?
Exceptional video with invaluable information. I will watch over and over. I’m a 62 yo woman who in the heat of a moment where I get triggered, I react like a child. I’ve recently have been peeling back the emotional and psychological layers of my self and this behavior is arising at the most inappropriate times. I’m wondering how to stop and think clearly when I’m triggered in that moment. I tend to emotionally explode in tears or anger then act out by running away or if I feel trapped, throw things away from me to make space around me. It’s been rather embarrassing and shocking to me. And many times I can’t remember what I said or did. 😢
Lisa sometimes I think you are speaking directly to me. 😔
Even as a Christian the spiritual advice here can be translated to Christian spirituality and its so helpful. Thank you for this
@@joshuashakir-ev3ws I am so appreciative of your open mind🙏
This video is so very helpful to me. I return to watch it again so I can keep focused on healing. Thank you Lord
She is one of the best speaker on this subject
Thank you so much Lisa, words can’t express how grateful I am to have stumbled upon your channel over a year ago. I left my narcissistic husband of 22 years, I feel so happy and free. But isn’t it funny that I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I end up with a narcissistic husband? My dad is actually one of the sweetest and nicest people on the planet, I don’t know how he put up with my mother all theses years. The sad/puzzling part is she just gets worse and he is still makes excuses for her? Anyway, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ I’m still a work in progress but I’m confident I’m on the right path. 🙏❤️🙏❤️💕
What an important subject. Especially in the modern world.
Hi Lisa. I once told someone about the disfunction in my childhood and they responded with a "You must be one very strong lady". It just showed me how Very Confused so many people are in their understanding of Reality. 💝
Yeah.
People tell me what a "strong lady" I am too.
It hurts.
I always felt like I never belonged since I was in kindergarten. But it makes sense. My mom and dad were obsessed with each other and very toxic. I’m glad my awakening started 2017 and I’ll never go back.
I grew up in a house where my parents argued,screamed and yelled all day and even in the early mornings which lead me from not reaching my full potential in school. They both teased me, ( on top of me being bullied outside the home ) talked bad about me to other siblings, family members etc…my mother made me watch children that she agreed to babysit and kept all the money. After I got married and had children she in my darkest hour after my ex husband abandoned us, made my life hell. She screamed at me consistently if I needed any help at all.
I got deadly sick while living out of state with a newborn baby, my ex was out to sea at the time. I was in the hospital for a week, the EMS drivers took my one month old to a neighbors home. My parents didn’t come help me or call to Che on me because they said they didn’t like my ex.
My dad put me out at 17 years old, right after graduating from high school saying he didn’t have money for me for college, so I got married. He was angry that I got married too. I could never make them happy…
64 years on the planet and most if not all have been spent feeling unloved...in spite of how much love I feel for and give to others. Its a conscious act to heal...to will yourself to heal. The light days more and more outnumber the dark days. Thanks to you and so many others who light the way. God bless you!
Thank you Lisa , I was adopted at 2yrs old. I recall wanting to run away from home to “go Home” to my previous nanny. I never understood why my new parents spent time with my elder brother but left me on my own to entertain myself. I felt so abandoned, it affected me for more than 20 yrs. i
I'm just stunned how she knows each thing/trait of me
Accepting and acknowledging to myself that there was some extent of abandonment and neglect starts the process of healing and recovery. 🤗🙏
She got a little sassy at 27 seconds when she said "that's up to her "...I like that..
Absolutely glad to stumble on your content, you are amazingly concise and succinct with your delivery and every word holds weight. The 10 steps of healing you outlined are just gold and I will be applying it to my inner child to manage my trauma too. Thank you
18:42 "between realities" !BOOM!😟 That is a profound and new concept that makes SO MUCH SENSE. Indeed, this is a great explanation of the stress and discomfort of leaving behind all that is "Normal"--and stepping into the UNKNOWN wilderness 😳
I grew up in fear. Always fighting in house. No one there for me. Alcoholic emotionally unavailable mom and mentally ill dad. There was no space for me except to survive in the chaos. I have lived in that survival mode for many years still. It is tiring and gets in the way of everything to live fully.
Lisa I can't express how much your videos have helped me and I want to thank you. My birth mother had me at 17, was beaten up and thrown down stairs several times while pregnant with me, had me back and forth between her and other caretakers for the first year and 3 months of my life, then gave me up for adoption. She had emotional issues, borderline, no maternal instinct, and was sexually abused my her mother's boyfriend at 8 and 9 years old for almost 2 years straight. When I went to my adoptive family, I went to parents of the WW2 generation (I'm 50---gen X), where my adoptive mom had her own 4 kids then adopted 4 more and had foster children in and out temporarily for a while (before I got there). The woman was a Catholic Joan Crawford and very functional on an intellectual level (2 master's degrees), but very low emotional IQ. Catholic school teacher (was meaner than the nuns) and was verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive. Then I met my real mom at 20 and found 2 younger brothers who she had and later left at ages 6 and a year and a half. Albert was the younger one she left at a year and a half. When I met him I felt a close kinship to him and his energy and his father's family also noticed it. I think it was because I felt what he felt from mom leaving. He committed suicide 5 years after I met him. Then his father's family including my other brother cut me and my mom off (they were disgusted with her, but also because I reminded them of Albert. Then I drove a truck for a while and joined the army. I never had a relationship with a woman for longer than 2 months and they only come along once every 7 or 8 years. I also spent 4 years in the army in a recon unit and went to Bosnia. It's been an interesting life lol. Friends and therapists have remarked they're amazed I made it without turning out alot worse and even more amazingly that I didn't let it make me a better person and have remained a kind person. Neither one of my mothers knew how to love and I've never even felt love and don't know if I ever will.
Best video ever! This is me all the way .. finally breaking free to feel and accept myself.
Be Centered, Grounded ad Balance in The Holy Trinity
Having God in your mind centers you.
Having Jesus in your heart grounds you.
Having the Holy Spirit surrounding you balances you.
Having the Holy Trinity divinely directs you and protects you.
This is so much like me.... I have so much neglect, abandonment, chaos, and isolation with my upbringing. I have found at a young age, I was meant to take care of myself just because of neglect but I didn't feel totally safe nor was the parent who I would be with was totally invested in the present moment of my well-being or attention. I found that asking for help only results in an argument or judgment. In addition my mother has a disability relatives would shun me, and my father was an alcoholic. People only saw me as a product of these people; so I too rejected them also to build a wall of my own rejection.
I just want to say thank you so much for being a great educator , person and support for narcissist survivors , I’m literally crying , feeling supported & validated, seen , and heard . God bless .
This explains why i went so hard in the military, too. I’m 46 and never felt real love