Why You Self Sabotage
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:14 - Call begins
08:14 - Insecurities
12:39 - Rationalisation
18:00 - The effect of success
27:51 - Fear of risk
33:10 - What are you gonna do about it?
40:14 - The logical trap of blindspots
47:06 - Closing thoughts
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All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
"The person who is 'The One' is going to be okay with the fact that you're not perfect. Because a good relationship is not about two perfect people getting together; it's about two people who are works-in-progress helping each other in a positive way."
Honestly this exactly!
Perfectly said
I'd never even considered that until I heard it out loud. Made me tear up
@@redactado266 You're correct. Self pity isn't attractive
@@redactado266 what makes someone "not attractive"?
Can we appreciate how well-spoken Trend is?
Yes, the voice as well! 🙌
The dude didn’t stutter or stumble once. I’m so envious of his ways of words. Mashallah
@@vidhyareddyn2714 yeah I have a crush on his voice 💀
Thought it was just me! So articulate and got such a smooth voice!
And well thought out
A lot of us don’t actually know what a healthy relationship looks like or how it functions and sustains. Especially if we come from a broken family.
Very true. The interviewee did mention his parents are divorced. Good point...
yup yup
A great point. Something I hadn't even been aware of up until very recently - the fact that my parents modeled an absolutely horrific, inauthentic, toxic relationship for me and I just had to assume that that's the way it's done. Good thing I'm able to move forward, also thanks to Dr. K. and his content
So true. Love your Jake profile pic btw
Well, that hit close
I resonate so much with this guy. I literally try to sabotage every connection that I had, whether it be romantic or platonic, because I know how much I invest in the people I love and the possibility that it will eventually go to waste when they leave is just so frightening to me. In romantic relationships, I would always end up thinking I'm not good enough for them and that they deserve better, then I realized that those were just excuses I made up to what I thought was a valid reason to leave. I tried doing that too with my current boyfriend but it didn't work because he knows that it's not me, but my fears speaking up, and he was really willing to work it out with me. Now, I just take it day by day with him. Just focusing on the present makes me appreciate the time I spend with him and makes me less anxious but more excited of what else we could do tomorrow. I try not to think as far ahead because it just ruins the moment.
My boyfriend is part of this community and he’s also the reason why I began watching Dr. K and started gaining self-awareness. I’m very thankful to this community because it continuously educates me and helps me articulate my thoughts and feelings better. I can say that I am in a much brighter place right now, and I hope that you are too. But if you feel like you aren’t, just know that it takes time. Just keep going.
And to my Gil,
You’ll probably watch this video and scroll through the comments when you wake up. Thank you for being patient with me.
happy for you girl!!!!! 🙌🏻
UwU
How long have you been dating?
This is so sweet and awesome!
@@NathanaelNaused We started dating in February this year. :)
I feel like it's important to focus on just having fun with a person first before going balls-to-the-wall commitment. Like yes obviously you're both looking for something long term like most of us are, but if you're going to commit to someone long term you should probably feel comfortable with them first before going in headstrong with the idea of "I might marry this person one day". I know it's dumb to say lighten up and just enjoy the dating rather than the end results, but sometimes it's as simple as just turning your brain off and having fun with a person.
it took me a while to realize this, but yes. this exactly
Well said 👏
Hahah balls to the wall 🤣 having fun at the beginning is important because when the going gets tough, you’ll both want that fun side of each other again as a goal and to find your way again, re-ignite the flame etc. What you said is super important.
the legend has returned to bestow his wisdom!
Personally, I can only date someone if I want commitment. I have friends & myself for fun lol, so it's otherwise a waste of time & energy. Has this resulted in commitment for me? No. But I don't need to have an "other" to enjoy life.
Needed this, I sabotage LITERALLY everything going well in my life lol
i completely relate to this, whenever i find something that I like or am intrested in I just make up random bullshit that would make me give up on said thing.
dont be too hard on yourselves. really think about it: we all have the tools to be successful in this day and age. literally, it’s overwhelming. analysis paralysis is real. we fall into the wrong major. college isnt even 100% necessary. everything is not what it seems. try not to generalize that you sabotage EVERYTHING. I doubt that! we all sabotage a lot in our lives, unintentionally. but we are only human, SO MUCH is out of our control. sorry im rambling but it’s ok to try diff things. change ur mind, w.e. u dont have to box yourself in, ever
I think we use the term sabotage, but in my case it feels like a lot of things that look perfect turn out to be mirages or terrible, I did the same thing, I started dating people I liked, and something weird steps in, but something is off that ruins it. For me it was finding a couple guys that seemed awesome, but they turned out to be total flakes. This has happened over and over. Don't get it.
@@PervertHoover2 this is the point. You are doing something wrong in your life, and you are not getting what mistakes you are making.
@@PervertHoover2so, you are dealing with a blindspot. I too tried to connect and grow together with two flakes. Then I undocked, and now I am collaborating with 3 non-flakes. The results are great - I am fixing my financials, building a new career and launching on a long term growth plan.
The reason for me to start being friends with flakes was the fact that I used to be a flake myself. I started changing and now I can't be friends with flakes anymore. 2 days ago, a new flake appeared near me and he tried to become friends with me. I politely evaded - again - because I am not a flake anymore.
You need to dig deep into your situation and figure out the root cause, which pushed you into networking with those 2 flakes. This is your blind spot sbd you need to shine light on it.
Maybe, rhe word "self sabotage" is not correct for all instances of such things. I like the word "blind spot" because it points to the fact that you don't know something about yourself. We are often conditioned to believe that we know ourselves well. This is BS - lots of people don't have a clue, and I am learning to see myself the way I am and keep building the right path.
It's almost scary how fitting all these issues lately are to my situation. Makes me think it's probably pretty common and we might cut a lot of people some slack ^^°
dismissive avoidant attachment style
I feel the same but with a career, it was scary how I could relate but in a different situation
I can’t choose something to pursue even if it interests me because I keep thinking of the possibilities of failing, and the “red flags” of oh this would be too tiring oh this is not something I think I’ll be good at and so on. And because I don’t have “experiences” in completely failing and trashing my life then it terrifies me to do so
@@iridescentsolace please go fail and fail hard. you come out at the other end of it a new person, not tiptoeing & walking on egg shells. Fully run into that brick wall- like a cartoon, your teeth will shatter and spill out- but they will reappear cuz life just goes on friend u can go fail no one will hate u. that’s another thing- your real friends come out when you’re on your pursuit. ppl will get in your way, you will get in your way. u may even get depressed and lose money. it’s still worth it. life is too short
"Makes me think it's probably pretty common"
Yep. Most of our issues are pretty common...
Being 32 soon, its nice to hear from a slightly older member of the community, as i relate a bit more. Definitely in a very similar situation myself where i feel like i've achieved good things, but its not making me anymore confident inside.
Same. 39.
Thats the most painfull part. Busting your tail off and against all odds to get where you are today.
Only to not feel a shred better for it. Yeah that is saying alot about your ego and self-esteem
@@onnol917 It feels somewhat relieving to know my achievements aren't correlated with confidence, or i'll always feel i need more and more, and that sounds exhausting. Im starting to notice my resistance to negative emotion and a lot of what im shooting for is motivated by fear or avoidance of negative consequences.
@@Balloonbot have you found any motivation from positive aspects of your life? Negative motivation is negative but also very devestating when you don't get what your after
@@rhinoman86 thanks for your story. I am in a similar situation as you. What I found out most is to face the pain, nothing feels better then overcoming the internal barriers.
I just started the video and as per usual scrolled comments and I'm surprised how no one so far didn't mention attachment style where for this guy it SCREAMS avoidant (or fearful avoidant), and I know it because I'm the same and I'm actively working on healing it. Sabotaging your relationships by keeping a distance (with devaluating your partner by seeing mostly bad things in them for instance) is a book example of avoidant attachment style so I'd recommend everyone to read more about it :)
Yesssssss! This is classic fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant attachment style. Check out the Personal Development School, they have courses that help you identify and heal your attachment style. And there are a bunch of videos by Thais Gibson and Heidi Priebe that are super helpful for learning about attachment styles and how to be in relationships.
There's also partial dissociative disorder (PDD) which means you have essentially two people in one brain. One is functional and the other is traumatised. The trauma personality can sabotage the efforts of the functional personality. The guest described what sounds like clarity, which is unusual for avoidants. It's more common with PDD because the lucid and matured aspect recognises the immaturity of the traumatised personality. The traumatised aspect can be avoidant (or attachment) so I'm not discounting your comment. But when someone like this describes their own insecurities and shortcomings so clearly, it's likely they have a part of them which is outside looking in. That's classic PDD.
Really appreciate this trend of having more people on who have already done much of the work in terms of introspection and self improvement but now need that next level of help to get where they want to be. I still have issues for sure but I've done so much personal work that I struggle to find someone as 'emotionally healthy' or at least as committed to getting there as me which I now know is something I need in a relationship.
This I cannot agree with more.
How much "emotionally healthy" ppl do u know in general?
How confidently do you feel about being "emotionally healthy" yourself?
Ppl go through stuff and often have internal battles everyday and don't want to talk about it.
I mean, not being compatible partner of someone with certain mental disorders/illness or trauma is fine, but you might find happiness in someone that can give you love and respect for most of time and also, everyone has bad days anyways.
(I almost discarded comment, but for the small chance it could be helpful, I'll post.
The questions are intended more for engaging thinking than for real conversation. )
@@matijaderetic3565 Just to be clear, by emotionally healthy I don't mean someone who has no emotional issues and is just completely stable all the time, I mean someone who has put in the work to find healthy ways to approach managing their mental health. Because that's where I feel I am at right now. I absolutely still have depressive episodes and occasionally turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I am so much better at noticing that in myself and re-grounding myself than I used to be, and have found it really difficult to communicate effectively with people in romantic relationships who either do not yet see the value in examining their own emotional states and triggers, or simply haven't learned the skills. I really appreciate your point about everyone having bad days, and realise my comment may have come across as dismissive of people still struggling or as having a superiority complex for having gone to therapy and seen positive outcomes, but that certainly wasn't what I was trying to convey. That would certainly make me a massive hypocrite. I just want someone who is on the same page as me, not someone who had finished the book entirely if that makes sense. And I pass no judgement onto those who are still in the earlier chapters because lord knows I've been there.
Same here. I'm in a similar place. My biggest fear is that since I always feel five years behind, it's almost like I don't want therapy if it'll only put me in the right place by the age of 35. I'd rather jam my issues into a closet and try to brute force my way into the pretty cardboard ad successful life I wish I had today at 29.
Wow I cannot agree more with this
I remember this one line in Good Will Hunting that spoke to me when I watched it. It was Robin William’s character Sean, and he said, “Guess what sport, you’re not perfect. And this girl you’re interested in? She isn’t either. But it doesn’t matter that you’re perfect. What matters is if you’re perfect for each other. And the only way to know for sure is to give it a shot.”
So much deep philosophy and life truths in that film ;)
I was just thinking of that quote :’)
Robin ❤
"being the best kid to get attention reinforces the idea that fundamentally you dont deserve attention" 🎯🎯🎯🤯
32F and I'm in the exact same rut. This was a great conversation to listen to, and hits closer to home than usual. Kudos to Dr. K and "smooth voice" Trend. XD
🙄
This was extremely helpful for me personally. I've been single for 10 years now precisely for the same reasons discussed in this video, so this really opened my eyes and even prompted an emotional response from me.
Definitely
AoE Healing doing all the work. Wish you all the best!
What an amazing conversation. One can tell the caller has been very introspective of himself, and is well practiced in articulating his thoughts.
Yes, you too! It's rare to find people who are this articulate!
To me it feels like he's being dishonest
Wow, as someone who was bullied a majority of her childhood into adolescence, this hit me. Not in a romantic sense but with real friendship. I just remember not being able to make friends bc others were bullied out of hanging out with me (years later someone finally stood up for me).
Anyway, that’s made it difficult for me to see my worth as a friend to other people. I did exactly the same as Trend did. I’m financially independent, fit, educated, etc. and couldn’t help but think someone was going to find me defective. It actually sort of happened again (bullied, but behind closed doors) and I’ve been working with my own therapist. I found that I’ve been avoiding the topic of being bullied for so long that I never figured out how to actually deal with it. Watching this video did help me see that I could have literally been self sabotaging myself after all these years lol! I’m also 28. Guess today is as good a day as any to change!! Thanks for being vulnerable and thanks Dr. for the insight!
Me too! I realize that I’ve been afraid of being physically injured getting into fights with people. I’ve been in several altercations in the last year but that fear of conflict effects almost every part of my life. So, the strongest indicator for doing better is learning self-defense. But, I haven’t found the opportunity to work with somebody on it.
Shoutout to Trent for being so insightful/self observing and sharing it with the community ! I believe he represents perfectly what kind of people HGG is helping everyone in the community to become (if that makes sense). Loved the meta conversation at the end on the the idea of "fixing oneself". Will definitely come back to this video, immensely helpful !
Trent is just the sweetest. Thank you both for this wonderful coaching!
He is the sweetest thing! No wonder he can't get a girlfriend. Wishing him the best.
I wonder how many people are crushing on him now wondering who he is 😊
@@francischic7854 He can absolutely get a gf. Literally every girl in the comments is simping for him, lol.
The level of introspection and honesty here is impressive. This can even be applied to situations that aren't relationships and are thoughts I've seen arise in other areas that I struggle with. This was very useful to listen to
I talked in therapy about how I keep self-sabotaging my sleep and my therapist was like "why do you keep using that phrase, you've said it 4 times today" and i guess self-sabotage is just. The phrase this week that a lot of people are really focusing in on... Lol.
But yeah I really like the concept of acknowledging that the thing that prevented you from reaching whatever your goal was was.... Your own choices. Sabotage is a verb. It's an active thing you do. You didn't try but fail. It's not who you inherently are that couldn't achieve the end result either. It's just because you chose this one particular action or set of actions that you didn't end up with the result that you yourself wanted. Self-Sabotage is a useful framework for people because instead of "it makes no sense why you would have worked against yourself" it kinda offers an explanation. Like that you purposefully did things because on some level you wanted to sabotage the plans. Because you were afraid of success or dreading something else.
I am a Trent, but not the Trent in this video :)
I think a big fear of "success" in dating is feeling like everything is on a one-way track to marriage and that every single day things get better, it is just going to hurt more if it ends. I think this is really true for men who don't want to feel like they are leading women on.
I am a Trent too. We don't want to be the bad boy breaking women's hearts. After engineering college I went to Asia and all these college girls wanted to date me and marry me. We would go for dinners and movies etc. I always moved to a new city or something, because if I have a serious relationship with a girl and then break up with her, I'd be doing something immoral. One time a Chinese college girl wanted to have sex and get married and I refused because I have to run my business - she said you can just run my father's factory, you don't need to worry about money. Now I'm 36 and broke, and I don't understand, why am I alone? Where are the college girls? Why are my friends so busy with their families they don't have time to chat to me? Who the hell do I talk to now? It's like some kind of hell, just me by myself in my apartment all day every day, what happened to other people?
@@hufficag just graduated college and in a less dramatic situation but similar. If it helps, I've had to learn how to reach out to people instead of expecting other people to come by like in college classes and stuff. It's been hard, difficult to adjust to since no one teaches you to do that, and forced me to actually learn more about myself instead of who I think I am. So I've had to sacrifice the idea of something immediately paying off for the reality of making the most out of what's possible today to do.
@@francischic7854 Yeah I used to ride my motorcycles and chat to strangers in Chinese and Japanese and it was fun making friends. I never cared about people leaving my life because there were so many new people entering my life every day. But now society changed, everyone seems to be stuck at home, and I only have a bicycle and there's nowhere to go. Well everyone seems happy to be stuck at home alone or with their girlfriend/wife, but I just can't adjust to it. It's madness.
Terence Trent D'Arby?🤣
I’m a Trent here too ✌🏻 it’s a cool name
What I thought was so interesting is that this covered so many topics of interest. Self sabotage, importer syndrome, the NEED to be perfect/appear as to feel worthy, the fear of missing out, rejection sensitivity and more. This is one of the most informative videos I think I've listened to so thank you very much Trend & Dr.K.
This guy seems like he has a lot going for him objectively. He’s articulate, smart, has a career and friends, etc. What’s holding him back is his mindset. Looks like he’s starting to understand what he has to do, but I haven’t finished the whole video. The whole “being behind his peers” thing isnvery relatable
I hate my life situation but I'm so used to it that the idea of it changing fills me with anxiety and I self sabotage just to be miserable again. I need so badly to break this cycle.
Maybe your not afraid maybe it's unfamiliar situation. Don't pressure yourself by telling that you have to change your just doing it because you love yourself. That's why your inner self tells you that you don't like what you are now cuz it's not really you.❤
*I RELATE 100%, and I think I figured myself out!*
Ones who did well in school usually never fear success, Ones who didn't do well have this paralyzing fear.
SO, I think SCHOOL and SOCIETY has created a Trauma in us, a separation in our personalities:
*Worry (Efficient)* and *Reckless (Courage)*
-Worry, a sign of efficient decision making skills. We fear a downfall and are patient for success (Weakness?: Failure and time loss)
-Reckless, a sign of desire to discover and achieve. We don't fear failure and want success (Weakness?: Ignorance and mediocre outcomes)
*The key is identifying both as separate beings (Name them if needed) and using them when necessary. If we only lean on one personality trait, the control on our life results might not appear as we expect.*
We need the both benefits from each trait:
Worry = To Plan
Reckless = To Execute
If we name them each as separate personalities, used at separate times, we can finally structure when we take action because we can disassociate the "reckless" side as our own. Whether this possibly breeds mental illness long-term, I'm not sure about but looking back at actors, athletes, ect, it seems that's what they usually do to grow.
Excellent interview - Trends demeanor and cadence was very calming to listen to. For the sake of input. Something I learned with my last partner is that no matter what baggage or insecurities one may have, if someone really loves you for who you are then trust that they do. My ex partner ultimately ended our relationship because he felt he had to much to fix or work on and did not see these “problems” as a team effort. Despite my communication in supporting his growth and offering to aid in helping him work through these things because I loved him, he couldn’t accept that care.
Out of all the relationship books, courses, UA-cam videos, this resonated so much. I know I’m avoidant (female). This was like listening to the male version. And really helped shift to also not feeling bad (49!) and yes two businesses, lots of trauma, a shit ton of personal development invested in, and looking 15 years and maybe sometimes feeling like it but looking for (not the one any more), but someone who is willing to do it together and HAVE FUN. That can be very different for two people. One likes security the other wants adventure. One wants significance the other wants growth.
But this session really frees up feeling like there’s something wrong when I know I’m not perfect yet I also got it going on!! Will listen to this again. Realising men are just as sensitive afraid and desire true relating is refreshing insight. Especially in light of so many people I know divorcing or separating amicably. Relationships often seem to have a best before and personally, I’d like to get off the carousel and just walk in the park and picnic with one super cool dude who isn’t out to deflect responsibility onto me for every mishap that causes a blip.
Being a psychiatrist and therapist myself I really like doctor k cognitive behavioural therapy style. Doctor K pointed out that at some point he would need to go into the sources where the insecurities are coming from "his childhood" and that he won't be able to "logic himself out" of the feelings. That's why would have went to the core belief of feeling like "being not good enough"... I would go with getting curious about the belief, the associated emotions when facing the belief and the bodily felt sensations when the emotions are present and hold space to see what comes up for him and go there.
Holy bananas!! my insights from this video (and watching you over the past 18mo) supersedes my past decade of therapy and my psych BA... thank you for your work. I need this
Honestly mindblowing how relatable this was and how deep it cut, kinda opened locked rooms in my mind.
Dr.K you literal monster thank you.
Props to the guy for being as transparent as it gets.
Still listening to the video, but as he describes his dating life, it sounds exactly like the profile of someone with avoidant attachment. Down to the pattern of nitpicking partners and finding “flaws” as a reason not to be with them. It’s called deactivation.
I know because i was one too and worked to overcome it.
Edit: The speech at 22:00 about not wanting people to see his vulnerable side is textbook
Yeah, that's spot on. I've been there. I remember meeting this one girl and after some time I told her that I'm afraid of the relationship. She told me it was ok. It's ok that it might not work out and I should not put pressure on myself. I felt such a relief after hearing that. Although it didn't work out because of my sabotage, being open to trying made me learn a lot of things about myself.
Yes you're absolutely right, he described textbook avoidant attachment style and needs to work on being more secure. He is going to sabotage any good thing that comes his way. It'll be a self fulfilling prophecy, and like Dr. K said if the perfect girl came tomorrow he's. He's not confident or ready for her, really. Not unless he tries extra hard to fight his own instincts.
But also it's weird how relatable so much of this video is to be, someone enjoys anxiously attached and has been burned by dating 2 avoidant partners and 1 who was more anxiously attached than me. I don't want to be in that dynamic again so maybe it's caused me to become more avoidant. Idk.
Hey, nice observation! As someone who’s realizing that I’m also most likely a Fearful-Avoidant, knowing that other people like you and Trent are putting yourselves out there gives me hope that I can do the same one day.
Also, if you don’t mind me asking, what steps did you take that helped you heal? You don’t have to get specific or anything, just a general idea.
@@PaygunFGC Hi! I'm not OP but I'm also a FA. There are a lot of resources available on r/attachment_theory. From what I've read, Thai Gibson's videos seem to have helped people a lot, along with books such as Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair by Daniel P. Brown; Attachment Theory by Thais Gibson; Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples (I forgot the author sorry, but it starts with Elizabeth); and there's this one book about anxiety that I read although it's on my laptop rn and I'm cozy in bed lmao! I'll edit this comment tomorrow. I also suggest looking into Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT). There's free workbooks online (I'll edit in the names of the workbooks tmrw as well) if you don't have access to therapy. Other than that, learning how to self-soothe will go a LONG way. I like to journal how I'm feeling when I'm shutting down and meditate afterwards (or just meditate). Learning to communicate how you feel (which imo is a lil scary LOL and might take a while to get used to) when you realize you're about to shut down pushes you to be vulnerable instead of distancing or self sabotaging yourself. You can kind of rewire your brain into developing a healthy process! Best of luck on the healing process ❤️
@@awwzuzu I’m a little late on the response, but thank you so much for all the information! The “shutting down” part seems to make more sense to me the longer I think about it because it describes a feeling I’ve noticed when I start to feel overwhelmed or I get so lost in my own thoughts that it becomes noticeable to other people. And learning to communicate my feelings fully is definitely the most daunting task to me, but ultimately necessary.
Thanks again I appreciate it 🙏🏾
I wish there was a playlist of call ins.
Seeing someone else deal with similar issues is very helpful.
One thing I've concluded is that people are much crazier about their own issues, and it helps to try to take the outside view of them. It helps even more to get that outside view into someone else having a similar issue. You don't have to avoid all your own weirdities about your own problems, and even better, your natural mode for *solving someone else's problem" kicks in.
One thing I have that I've had that others here have said they have - we feel more motivated to solve someone else's problems than our own. It's probably because we don't have the same angst wrapped around their problems as our own.
But analyzing our own problems *first* as they manifest in others is probably a great first step.
I was scared when I realized that I feared success. I was reading the book "The War of Art" and the whole book built up to that point. It struck me like lightning and I stopped reading for a while. So far I haven't been able to solve it. Thanks for exploring this Dr. K
I'm a 30-year old woman who's never been in a relationship, and this is the conversation I have with myself all the time lol. It would be nice to meet 'the one' or one of the ones tomorrow as a test of how much I've grown lol.
If it's not rude to ask, what are some things you like to see in people you want to get to know?
There are more people than people think who get to their late 20s or early 30s and have never been in a relationship, or at least not a very serious or very long lasting one. I know it's not the only option but... I think these people, mostly, need to be dating each other because for me it's too much of a red flag that they're going to leave me at the first slight bump in the road instead of try to work it out. I don't need to deal with that kind of avoidant partner again, I've been there and done that twice as someone's first serious partner. No more. Meet someone roughly equal to where you're at experience wise, somehow, and maybe it'll all go more smoothly.
@@VioletEmerald that’s an interesting idea to have them all date each other but im curious why u equate lack of experience with the tendency to leave instead of work things out. What if they’re someone who’s been working on themselves like the caller after this session? 🤷🏻♂️
Sister!! Welcome to the club! xd Dear God, I long for my "the One." Or one of the Ones. I'm 32 and still shyly experimenting with the idea of love...
No wonder with those tattoos
It's interesting how things sound differently when you say them, vs. when you hear them. 8:43 when he says "oh great, so [...] why don't I have anybody?" I've caught myself thinking that, but hearing someone else say it it sounds strange. The thought that came is "because you are getting in your own way. If you can stop doing that, you will." And it feels so simple.
But if turn that around to apply to myself, my entire being starts resisting the thought again.
Very relatable and so pleasant to listen to the discussion. My favourite talk I've watched on this channel so far :)
I think the root of Trent's insecurity is that growing up he was unable to "manage" his parent's emotions, for which he felt responsible, as he mentioned around 37:58. Of course, he was unable to succeed at managing this responsibility. The best he could do was be a "good boy". It's possible that for Trent, being a good boy meant, first and foremost, to be a responsible person.
He "just got by" in a school, one of the lowest responsibility periods of life, only becoming more responsible "by necessity" when he ventured out into adult life. Perhaps Trent was unconsciously motivated to become more responsible so that he could learn how to manage other people's emotions, or at the very least, become unlike his parents. He wanted to become someone who does not need "reassurance and help" from others; someone whose "very good at being alone". Perhaps he thought he could learn to be responsible for others by becoming responsible for himself, or wanted to avoid placing responsibility for himself upon others at all, unlike his parents did to him.
Trent hides his need for reassurance and help, fearing that it will scare others away (because it scares him). Perhaps his parents had, at times, needed reassurance and help, which Trent describes now as being responsible for their emotions. As a child, he didn't know how to provide this reassurance and help, and so was left feeling "not good enough".
The red flags Trent sees could simply be potential partners behaving in ways that remind him of his parents when they were emotionally vulnerable, needy or even demanding. This scares him away, because he had been unable to provide his parents adequate reassurances and help, and even believes these needs in himself are so undesirable that he seeks to conceal them from others.
Trent's comfort zone is living a life where he is responsible for himself, and I should think that he would regard an ideal partner - "the one" - as a woman who has "put in the work" (on herself); who can handle her side of the relationship; who is, like him, very good at being alone.
Trent finds it easier to "trauma bond" and "queue unranked" because in the former scenario, he needs only relate and sympathize over shared experiences, while in the latter situation, he's confident that he won't ever reach a point where he feels a sense of responsibility for someone else; a situation in which he hasn't "put in the work", and so lacks the experience and the confidence to manage a relationship that requires more from him. As a result, he naturally worries that he may "fail" in a relationship where his partner's needs - especially her emotional needs - become partly his responsibility.
Interestingly, when Doc hypothesised a woman who mirrored Trent; the "good girl" to his good boy, who is still single(!?)- and asks what Trent would think about her, he says that he would think that something is wrong with her, matching his attitude towards himself, but oddly enough, he puts down the woman's lack of relationship success to "not prioritising being with somebody". He does not see that this describes his own situation perfectly. He has prioritised working on himself, on becoming very good at being alone, rather than becoming very good at being with somebody.
The most useful wisdom for Trent imparted by Dr. K came at 39:35. That sums it up pretty well. Other than this, I think a lot of Dr. K's analysis here didn't quite land at the root of the insecurity. I think he sometimes he gets too excited with his narratives and gaming analogies, and projects a pattern on the guest that doesn't really quite seem to hit the nail on the head, in my opinion. He did hit near enough though, I think.
Good post. I find sort of the mirrored-cause situation to be relevant to myself. I didn't feel responsible for my parents emotions, but rather the opposite, that they couldn't give me reassurance or have time for me, leading to almost the exact same behavior. When I meet someone I like, I feel like a burden and withdraw, thinking the best way that I personally could contribute to their happiness is to remove myself from their life.
@@Krisenaa I'm sorry to hear that. As Dr. K would say, "What I'm hearing is..." it sounds like you may have interpreted your parent's apparent inability or unwillingness to provide you with the reassurance and support you needed as proof that you are unworthy of it; proof that you are nothing but a burden.
Perhaps it's a case of preferring the comfort of certainty, as Dr. K has pointed out in some of his videos. It's familiar and comfortable for you to hold onto the belief that you are unworthy of having these needs fulfilled. It's foreign and unsettling to put yourself in a situation where you might find out that you actually are worthy; that you aren't a burden. You might be worried that if you let your guard down and start to let yourself believe you're worthy, and it somehow doesn't end well (the relationship)... Well, that's a scary thought, to have the rug pulled from under you when you just started to trust and let yourself believe it might be true.
Does that theme ring a bell, and do you think it might have some relevance to you?
@@VimDoozy Yes, lol, that is me
@@VimDoozy Love how articulate you are 🙌✨
Bruh this is literally me
I have been smiling the entire time because I can relate so much. 28, and at a very similar phase. Also experiencing impostor syndrome at work, trying to improve myself but highly insecure about dating and failing in general. We are living paradoxes haha
Trent, so great you came on and talked so honestly about this. I resonate a lot with what you said. This episode is defenitely going in my "Important Favorites"-playlist. :)
I can 100% relate, I am 24 and had 2 opprtunities to get into relationship, but all of a sudden when I realized that, my mind started making up arguments why I should not be with this person and strated to distance myself.
I have the same trust sabotage issues cuz I had to force myself rn in my mid teens to pull away from my parents cuz of how dysfunctional their relationship with me was, so I fear others will not be for me cuz the ones I grew up with aren't.
im catching myself doing that right now. We get along great, there's chemistry, but i keep nitpicking and second-guessing and telling myself there's no chance it lasts because xyz details
Hey, this honestly felt like looking at myself in the future. I am 26 now and currently succesfuĺly working on myself. Tho I do not feel that far as this guy.(by the way, fantastic host)
It feels like I am about to hit this wall in near future. So great that I can work on this sooner with given thoughts.
Good job with the self improvement by the way and have a great day.
Hey Trent, If you are reading this, I Really want to thank you for doing this. Everything you said felt so relatable to me and I wish you the best. Also Dr. K is Frinking Awesome !!!
Thank you Trend and thank you Dr. K! This video really hit on points that were elusive to me before and spoke directly to my situation. Incredibly thankful for Trend and his vulnerability! You’re helping people more than you know!
This was a really great call and great respect to Trend opening up like that. One of the main takeaways I got from this call is to beware of "what-if's" getting in the way of taking action, fear of losing a good relationship "because this thing or that thing could go wrong." Ergo overthinking, perfectionism, analysis paralysis.
There was a lot to learn from this call, and I appreciate Trend and Dr. K going through this together. There are lot of us men in Trend's place looking to uncomplicate our minds and personal baggage, real or imagined. Thank you for putting this up.
I relate to Trend's habits so much when it comes to self sabotaging the relationships with those that you do like/value VS. the casual connections you make. I feel like when I'm meeting people, I'm completely carefree and happy. But the second we both catch feelings for each other, and it moves into "relationship/dating" territory, something in me switches. I feel more on edge when we're talking, stressing about the "right things" to say, I distance myself, I feel jealousy - which does not kick in until I genuinely like them. And it complicates what should've still been a fun, enjoyable experience. I feel Trend and I could both learn to just be in the moment, to not get too ahead of ourselves, and allow ourselves to be happy, because we all deserve that. 💜 I wish Trend and everyone else the best! We can only grow from here ~
BRO, I was just looking for THIS topic yesterday from you, dr.k but there was none. BUT TODAY you suddenly post this! Man, these few videos have been hitting SUPER close to home
This has been one of your best videos Dr. K. We can really watch the exploration process unfold right up to the"aha!" moments where insights are revealed.
Thanks for this Trend - I can relate fully. Can tell you spoke from the heart and was very open to receiving a different interpretation/framing of your experiences. Thanks for this brother.
I feel like so much of his fear comes from a misunderstanding on what a relationship actually looks like. And I say this because ita something I struggle with. But when you are in a relationship and like someone you dont end the relationship because you notice a flaw. Everyone is flawed, its unhealthy to expect perfection from yourself or your partner. But i feel like kids from broken homes who have maybe seen a relationship being held onto for too long have an instinct to immediately break off things whenever there is any issue noticed because they dont want in the long run for their relationship to fail once they are too invested like perhaps their parents. Just my 2 cents
I really appreciate this video! I agree with Dr K that it’s hard to work on confidence until the other dimensions are in place. It’s unfortunate that no one tells us ‘after that, you’re fine, you’ll feel weird but if there’s nothing major left to work on, you can just let it go. You’re fine. It’s a glitch
I watched this a couple of days ago and now feel much better than ever. I have constantly been failing at finishing a lot of my "projects" and feel so confused about why I am like this until I realize I am acting like this because I am afraid of failing or the possibility of ruining everything. Now after a few days of coming to terms with myself, I feel so free. I am now ready to continue what I had left and hopefully finish them one after another. Failure or not, at the very least I am having fun.
How can this be so relatable? The work I see from this channel lately is so helpful. Might be because I started to resonate with it because of my current experience, since not too long ago I didn't spent too much time on the channel. But now man, everything feels so relatable to what younger people are going through. Awesome job!
That ranked-unranked analogy is on-point. I don't even accept friend/clan/fireteam requests in games anymore, because what if they want to team up, and they see how much I suck? Or worse, we lose because of me?
I guess this is why I always stick to single-player games, or matchmaking lobbies when playing online. And probably why I don't really have any friends.
The irony being that some of those requests are probably from people who see how *good* I am at the game, and *want* me on their team.
It's also probably why I try to avoid any and all risks in life, especially those that require responsibility, especially managing other people.
Damn. I don't always agree with Dr. K, but this analogy has given me something to think about. Maybe I'll take more risks in the future (small ones, to start with).
i’m really glad this video is out. everything that trend said is almost EXACTLY. How i feel. I self sabotage all the time and it’s so exhausting and it’s a constant cycle that’s hard to break.
THANK YOU so much for this ! (am watching right now) I'm a woman who thinks she might be aromantic and even non-monogamous in the long run. THIS is such an important talk, as many psychologists, at least in my area, might not understand the possible aromanticism (Why am I like this ?? Even though I do have reasons that pertain to tr@uma) and me not necessarily wanting marriage, kids.. I have only had 1 serious relationship and am 30+ , even decently attractive and with a good job, the relationship happened because an attractive and funny guy, friend of a friend, approached me, appreciated me for who I was and was generally a good guy. I'll keep listening.. So far, with his fears and insecurities, Trent is ME !
(I probably have more fears, but they encapture his)
this is SO SO important, cause there are nuances that not many therapists understand.. In my area, generally, many people are 'backwards', like, me also being a woman 'How can you not want marriage or kids ?' and very few therapists would know about the existence of aromanticism in itself. But it's all a nuanced thing, because there can be another problem that keeps you from having a relationship. Mine probably pertains to tr@uma with the opposite gender, from childhood in the family + my mom always being unhappy in the marriage and then there was school, too (bu11ies) and I put up a big sign for myself in my mind 'A man will not make me happy' (even though my ex was a good guy, also a bunch of male friends. But the tr@uma was too big and I see them as exceptions, in a way)
This was incredible! Thank you so much for tackling this subject.
Omg I feel great alone as well and I can relate to the fear of success it’s like right before I begin to panic, I’m scared to date as well I’m glad I’m listening to this, thank you so much for this
Similar age similar insecurities. Thank you, your story helped a lot.
This video has hugely resonated with me - Thank you! 🙏
Ur one of the ppl that helped me the most man.
Now i'm gonna get help from the best ADHD doctors in Norway. :)
ADHD and depression video was the first video i watched. U explained what i've been trying to say my whole life man. Thank u very much for the work ur doing.
Thumbs up and lots of respect man.
Keep on doing what ur doing, ur really making a difference for ppl like me. Again, thank u :)
Really impressed by how well spoken and introspective Trent is. Great video.
I've been watching every single interview on your channel but this is the first time I've ever related so much to one, thanks for that
I act like this but about my education and career progression…the higher I go the more angsty and self sabotaging I get. Then I feel terrified because, of course, I need my job to live….
Thanks so much for being so transparent and allowing us to have this conversation Trend
Hehe, 28. You're good bro, I was on last month and I'm pushin' 40.
What do you mean “I was on last month”
@@PatrickStar914 He was on HealthyGamerGG?
I don't think I have ever related to a video of yours as much as this one, that was extremely insightful, thank you both.
Wow... This speech really gave me chills. Im realizing that I was looking for confirmation from others which is why I seeked success and I was trying red flag relationship to continue just for the sake of getting confirmation from other people. In the end it always comes from childhood traumas. Its good that I started working on myself and thank you the girl who broke up with me for opening my eyes and saving from further diseases and problems.
I just want to point something out. Trent (Trend?) seems very agreeable. I personally feel a lot of these same emotions and something else I've found is that, when looking for a relationship partner, or just anyone to engage with socially, I was so craving of social and emotional connection that I would twist my own emotions and thoughts to match what other people think is correct or just to match their world view. A core point of that is being able to articulate someone else's point very well. But when it comes time to articulate how I feel, it becomes more difficult. So instead of speaking what I feel, I latch onto those externally shaped ideas that I used to connect to people and form-fit those onto my own thoughts. And so I can articulate how I feel, but it's not actually how I feel, it's how someone else similar to me feels, or how someone else interprets the way I feel. Trend shares this trait I think, he is extremely articulate and agreeable with HG's points, and seems to find additional thoughts that accompany those ideas. But there are key points where he becomes unable to articulate his points well, and I think it's those scenarios where he doesn't use an already formed idea to express himself, but is instead forcing himself to turn his thoughts and emotions into words. But it's hard and terrifying, it's you, so he/we quickly tries to find a way to get back to his comfort zone, where he can use his words as a sword to complete this task of having a conversation.
Am I projecting? Completely. But I think I'm projecting because I spot these similar behavioral patterns, and maybe some of this is the way he thinks as well. But who knows, I could be wrong!
I really agree with you. This is something I've done and sometimes do, as well, and I noticed Trend doing it in this interview. That's why ironically the more time I spent talking in therapy, the more I told my therapists they've enlightened me, the more alienated I became from myself. I can't speak for Trend obviously, but my gut tells me this session may not have helped him as much as he expressed it did to HG.
I also think the truth is is that Trend isn't actually looking for a relationship, or at least not with the "ranked" people. He doesn't want a relationship with them. If he did, he'd be in one. I spent years in the same situation as he, and every time I dated "ranked" I'd unconsciously sabotage the opportunity and the relationship would end in excruciating, near suicidal level pain for me. After one such time, I had a revelation: the reason I was so strongly resisting a particular guy while at the same time yearning for "him" was because I didn't want him. I wanted proof that I was a lovable, adult woman. That a successful, handsome, funny, intelligent man could desire me. That he'd deem my accomplishments, my growth, my physique, my interests worthy of desire, approval, and love.
I think that's what Trend's doing. It's not fair to himself nor to the women he considers "ranked". He says he wants a relationship with them, but I think he actually wants proof that he's lovable, and that's very different from wanting to be with a particular woman.
I eventually met my now husband, and it was when I was still in the depths of what Trend is going through now. I met him while pursuing other goals, and when I did, none of my former rubrics mattered. I just felt thoroughly *good* with him. I didn't care about getting his approval or proving anything to him or myself. I just liked talking to him and spending time with him, and he was very physically attractive to me. We found joy in our mutual hobbies.
That's what makes a relationship. It has nothing to do with how good you are. It's taking joy in each other's presence.
Holy shit I do the same thing
I have a friend (an ex who rejected me several times and then broke up with me when he asked to date) who has been self sabotaging. This video was really helpful.
Video topics have been on point lately. Thank you
I was similarly in my late 20s and was very down after a series of terrible false-starts following a period of no dating. Ultimately I randomly met someone at a show while LITERALLY being stood up by my actual date. I was still focused on the other date and another person I had eyes for…but this random person I met felt so natural, like they “got” me.
I guess my point is, 1) I learned that you just can’t force things and 2) when you happen to finally meet the “right” person (whatever that means), you won’t have to PROVE you’re self- they’ll just get you, or at least want/try to understand without judgment of who you are
Whoever reads this I love you don’t sabotage yourself :(
This is like saying "If you're reading this, I love you, stop being depressed" lol
@@Papacarrot haha yeah I guess you’re right
Thank you two so much for this session, reflecting over it really got me further which i was kinda spending the last days at.
Love to all of you, let's keep being around for other people
It’s not failure I fear; it’s success that terrifies me.
Trend is full of potential; but I know man it’s so hard to unlock it.
This is a good one; listen to it.
I would like to genuinely thank you both for this video. I'm also 28 and I experience the same exact problems as Trent. I hope that this new knowledge, that I got from this video will help me. And again, thank you
Thanks for this video!
this video actually helped me realize a lot of things, appreciate the dive into this topic, he's so relateable
Trend i think you did something amazing showing to all this community your vulnerability. Thank you for being so brave 🙏
I am quite annoyed by this because he's making too many assumptions about what his prospective partner is looking for. I was recently dating a guy who i thought was very boring because he never went in-depth and personal with the conversation even when i did. Later i found out that he thought that the psychological complexities and hardships in his past are unappealing, which is absurd. He turned out to be sensitive and complicated, which to me are the best parts of him, but he only started revealing these things once we were already in a relationship. Can you imagine that? If i weren't like "yeah, romance is overrated, his vibe is nice and that's enough", i wouldn't even have him rn. He is actually so compatible with me, and i would have no idea!
Obviously, not him but can give a personal answer as to why. Most of the time these past issues have just been used against me. Whether it's by family, friends, acquaintances, etc it's basically just used as a bludgeon against us when they're feeling bad. Then to kinda cope with the situation I just relate it to the past issues/sharing of the issues and not that the person is being shitty for trying to drag me down.
@@grillmaster95 :( that's sad, but very insightful. Thank you, it really helps me see a new side to this.
I’ve just about had it with Dr K posting these suspiciously relevant videos to my life lol
Right!! Too spot on
Dr. K your content always seems to appear at the most appropriate of times. I appreciate what you do and hope you keep it up.
And here I thought only I was going through like this. Glad to come across your content Dr. K
whats helping me atm, not sure if its just a bandaid
I am learning to just constantly forgive myself. I have that perfection complex like this guy does, and I'm still very far from getting to relationships. I focused on getting my degree, and surviving my first job. I've taken some L's trying to get into some relationships, but I'm still happy I at least have tried vs not trying at all the last few years.
Another thing, is just trying to do things. I even explicitly say do it terribly, or sh*tty. I have to believe in myself that the reason I'm happy with the effort I'm putting in is because this is the road to get to where I want to be.
I still self sabo, have anxiety, and depressed like symptoms. This is going to take time to work on. I am happy that these two things I heard in a TED talk seem to at least help me prevent flare ups for anxiety.
I definitely feel behind like OP in video, I focused solely on school and my career, and I feel underdeveloped in other areas as a result
a difference I have from him, is I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship yet. I definitely want to have some fun, but I don't know if I really am ready to have my life change. I don't agree with being worried about why I havent been in a relationship. I know I had a very clear goal of getting my degree and while I wish I tried to work on this while it was easier in school, like I got my goal. this is just the next grind for me
From my point of view, it's all (mostly) in his head. Sure, there may be some girls who would say "why is he still single? there must be something wrong" but I'm sure there are plenty of others who would say "I like this guy, and he's single, this is awesome!"
Bro.. Trend is me. 29yo, have a career which I left my hometown for, have my own place, work out, play football, BJJ, read, game, do all those self-improvement things to cover something that may or may not be there. I believe that I need to be perfect going into a relationship. I need to be fun, savvy, exciting, provide, protect, etc. But even though I created this "perfect guy" I still can't bring myself to get into a relationship, which I also tend to mess up by projecting my "perfection" onto the other person.
I've never felt an interaction hit home like this did. Thank you for this ❤
wasnt expecting to watch this whole episode, but goddam was it good. Thanks HG, this was extremely insightful and constructive to watch.
This helped me a lot actually, back in 2019 I knew what I wanted and it wasn't much, a stable job, my own place, and time to do my music, it was great because despite not having my life figured out I knew where to start, I ended up delaying that plan a year for familiar reasons and then... 2020... It wasn't untill january of this year that I finally had the three things that I wanted, I thought "great, I can finally start now" but then I got very depressed, I hated myself for months "wtf is wrong with me? this is what I wanted", it wasn't untill october that I started to get better and this case in particular has being really helpfull
The visual part of the interview is everything
Also, I'll have to listen to it at least once again and jot down the info, bc it just blew me away
Wow this is so accurate almost matching my circumstances, high achiever and sucesser in career, but traumatic non sustainable relationship experiences, and properly childhood issues, lead me to fear and perfection seeking
The whole, "they're older and single so they must have something wrong with them" trope has been beaten into folks through TV and movies. It's a ridiculous notion, but it's repeated over and over, so it gets ingrained in the psyche.
True maybe they should say for chance: they’re older and in miserable or bad relationships so maybe there is sth off with them” something that needs addressing.
While I may be somewhat younger than this man(still attending college), I very much relate to his past need for independence; for proving that I can stand on my own from my divorced parents
currently in the process of getting therapy to allow myself to heal and become a better person, friend, and partner. Wishing you all the best in your journeys. Keep the fire lit, brother.
related to this video heavily but in a completely different non-dating arena
it was shocking how many sentiments and how much advise translated directly to my situation
Thx
Have a similar situation. Right now I'm just anxious; anxious at what the future entails.
Trent, I don't know who you are or how's life and your experiences with relationships ever since this stream therapy session was recorded; I sincerely wish you all the best.
I got a lot of things to reflect upon as I took some notes while listening to what you had to say and certain stuff clicked for my own experiences that I hope is helpful for what I'm working on too. Thank you for sharing this with us, good luck o7
This is me ,
Thank you for the advice. Lack of dating confidence has led to me to self sabotage a relationship that I really want.
I feel like a younger version of Trend and this video was very enlightening
This is a great conversation ❤
I am 37 and have been single for so long I have pushed away so many good people and chances and many bad people and bad choices. Trent good for you for all the honesty. Are you sure if you met someone like you, you wouldn’t judge them as harsh as you judge yourself?
Such a wonderful conversation ❤
The way you truly listen then guide people to their own conclusions is an art. It’s amazing.