It's really painful seeing your FA partner not be vulnerable in an overall healthy relationship, and it ending due to those triggers/fears and lack of vulnerability and not willing to work through solvable conflicts. Has anyone else experienced this?
As an FA who is working through my attachment wounds, it breaks MY OWN heart when I lock up and shut down. Because I truly want to he seen and known. And it's not just during conflict. A true story: Every week, I meet my boyfriend for a hike, I have a further drive, so he brings snacks. Usually something on the unhealthier side. Haha. I was trying to cut back on snacks and go to the gym afterward. I agonized for hours before texting him to request something different because my inner dialogue looked like this: "You're ungrateful." " He didn't have to bring anything, and I should be appreciative of what I get." "OH, what he gives you isn't good enough? Who do you think you are?" All of this is over asking for a bottle of water instead of a bottle of soda!! Eventually, I asked and he was like, "No problem, babe." And he even remembered for future hikes. NOW, the inner turmoil that caused for me was a guarantee that I wouldn't be able to hash out an argument. I'd recommend encouraging your partner to share smaller preferences (put chips in the bank) to encourage trust. I would "go along to get along" and while my logic brain "knew" he loved me, I blocked every opportunity for him to consider me. He had no chips in my bank to help me stay present in the harder times. ❤
Yes. It was my longest friend (ages 11 to 34) not a romantic partner, but yeah. She took any opinion that was different than her as a personal insult. I didn’t even realize how many little things she took offense to, because she just bottled it up with resentment. Until I had to distance myself for my physical safety (she ignored my medically necessary request and explanation, and refused to talk about it or apologize for the physical danger she risked me), and she felt the need to tell my husband some of the things she had apparently been holding against me. It’s a huge betrayal, knowing she assumed and judged so much but pretended to be my friend and be nice. I told her I could no longer consider her a friend. What a relief! I had no idea how much I catered to her easily offended feelings, in communication, in visiting with friends, in how I thought about people! I have become much more healthy in the almost year since I separated from her. I am thankful for the good memories, but it would be a betrayal of our friendship to stay together and keep hurting each other.
I'm sure this is painful for their partners. And if this is how they feel, imagine just how tortured, conflicted and full of shame, self loathing and despair the FA likely is.
Are your boundaries:" no conflict allowed or I'm leaving." And "you cannot hold me accountable for my lack of consideration for your needs"? Or were your boundaries reasonable and healthy? Also, did you openly and verbally explicitly explain your boundaries ? Or did you expect them to read your mind ?
I think the no conflict thing honestly might be more DA. I truly do try and communicate my boundaries although not always the best job I admit. But it’s like repeat violations over and over again and I don’t mean small things. I mean boundaries really that no one should even have to communicate. Like a DA cheating on me. That’s what happened with my last relationship.
I was in a relationship with an FA for nearly 3 years. I knew his needs weren’t being met because he didn’t communicate any of them. He expressed some needs at the very beginning of the relationship, but never again. His withdrawal was sudden and painful, and I was powerless to stop it. I made the mistake of thinking he needed too much time to warm up to me. I gave him way too much time. 😢
FAs need you to feel their feelings and know their depth without words. Because as FAs that is what we feel we are doing to you, plus acts of service. we are very good at reading everyone else but not ourselves sometimes...
As a FA who woefully self sabotaged and swore against vulnerability as a life motto, and lost his wife and kids because of these decisions and some worse ones, I can say that there is hope, and as you recognise and move towards secure attachment and let your guard down, recognise and change false perceptions and clogged filters, and lean into vulnerability, everything can change. These videos are so informative and true when you are in FA state, and you perceive the threat of vulnerability as an instant gateway to hell. I'm on the other side of this bridge, and still navigating the wreckage and damage I did, but am even as we speak in the presence of my kids at my separated partners house while she rests. And we're communicating, and we're dealing with the big stuff, and it's not the end of the world, even though sometimes it still feels like it. Anyone struggling, keep pushing for improvement and keep learning, your breakthrough may be closer than you think, maybe even just one conversation away.
This is all accurate. When I leaned more in my FA before becoming more SA, I did one of two things. I would either feel bombarded by an anxious attachment who broke my boundaries and I would abruptly leave OR if I dated someone leaning more avoidant, I would hold it all in, unleash the verbal wrath and then again...leave. With the anxious I would be very upfront about my boundaries to avoid a catastrophe that I knew would inevitability happen. Not respecting my space, getting angry and sometimes controlling or just hounding me. It was honestly annoying and sometimes there's nothing you can say for them to have an understanding of what we need. When dating someone more avoidant I did the opposite where I wouldn't express my needs and non-negotiables and essentially expect them to read my mind then quietly be upset while I planned my inevitable out. I've done a TON of work on myself since I last dated and even though I test SA, I don't even feel close to being ready to date. It hasn't been easy living in this body and mind and I guarantee it's taken years off my life from a lifetime of stress and inner turmoil. I still don't trust my judgment of picking a partner, but relationships aren't and have never been a priority in ny life. I just know that my time and space is priority. I'm not interested in compromising this which is why DA's and I mesh well together. I don't feel like this is an unhealthy stance either. We should all be able to design our lives as we please. Heal enough to not chance hurting others, make your boundaries and non-negotiables known from the beginning and don't try changing anyone. Also, be brave enough to walk away from someone you love if your needs aren't getting met. Staying and hurting yourself is never a good idea.
You always leave such thoughtful comments. That last paragraph stands out more to me. I think that people have this cookie cutter idea of what relationships should look like. It’s all so subjective and shouldn’t be pathologized unless it’s actually unhealthy/illegal. If something isn’t right then it’s up to us to make the moves for ourselves to get to a place we want to be. I’m DA (I think) and so I tend to need more space, I’m a acts of service person, and outside of that I tend to be a straight shooter. I’m about to “discard” someone soon who is anxious but keeps trying to push a relationship on me that I don’t want. I have said no, I have explained that they’re dodging a bullet with me, I was a bit more firm and asked why if I’ve never flirted with them (which they agreed with) are they finding it so hard to stop trying to force a romantic/sexual relationship. They won’t stop. I’m very much prepared to be the villain in this story, but point is, we are all different and the most important thing is we respect ourselves and others. Respecting oneself starts with disengaging from situations that don’t serve us, not trying to force change on another
@@sj3969 thank you and you're right. I've read tons of comments on here and also experienced it in real life where there are certain people who seem to think that their understanding of a relationship is the only way. When I've expressed that different people want different things and that we just need to date people we're more compatible with, people try and shut that idea down. I don't understand that way of thinking. My ex (DA) and I saw each other once a week and sometimes I needed to skip a week or two and he didn't bat an eyelash. Same if he needed to. We were very much in love (still are) and we were in sync with one another and didn't personalize ones need for space. We kept in touch everyday, but usually just a check in. When we saw each other, our conversations over dinner were amazing and we were engulfed in one another with our time spent each week. It was perfect. When I would explain this to people, they refused to call it a relationship and said it was fwb's. Lol I have explained it IS a relationship, it's just one that we made perfect for us, nope. Shut down. 😆
I was a FA and now more on the secure side. I recently went through this with a FA. The push/pull dynamic, the discarding after feeling too vulnerable, flirting with other woman. The connection lasted 6 weeks but not often it felt peaceful, it felt chaotic and was causing my nervous system to flip out. The few times it was peaceful he would self sabotage and cause us to go back into a feeling of chaos. I am so relieved I have been able to heal to where I am now because I could see it, understand it and walk away. I was direct and kind with my communication but in the end he always had a wall up with me but would open up to another woman about us. Communication is important to me. It was never me vs him, it was always him and I vs the problem. To him, he let others perceptions interfere and I was always ended up the bad guy and we would go back into the chaotic feeling again. He’s a great guy but I have been down the road b4 with a FA and all it took was a year for me to go from AA to FA. I won’t go back to that. I hated how it made me feel. I like the peaceful feeling that being secure brings.
I’m an infj & an fa. I’ve done the door slam many times & am learning to catch myself prior to doing so. This videos is accurate. Makes me wonder if most infjs are fa.
@@summerxwings I think any personality type can have any attachment style. But certain attachment styles may be more common among certain personality types than others is all I meant. Also, a personally type doesn’t define you anymore than an attachment style does. They just help us to understand ourselves & others better.
@katymello3547 same with mine. That's what has finally led to me realising what the issue was. Everyone I know just says "Their loss", or sticks up for me but they don't see my 'behaviour' prior and how maybe the issues could have been fixed if I didn't just shut down. I've cut so so many friends and partners completely out of my life in this way. I could have been friends with them for years, but it makes no difference. I guess that's why I find it so easily to cut narcissist family members dead, as well
To me, the worst part is that to know all of this, being a mental health professional, having had years of relationship experience as well as voluntary "alone years" with the sole purpose of healing myself and becoming a better partner in the future - and then fall into the same exact patterns, again and again. I often end up with DA partners (like my current one) and run away from or feel repulsed by good, caring men who are willing to give me everything I've ever longed for but never had. I may be a mess, yes, but by now, I know my worth as a partner. I'm about to slam the door in my DA's face. This time, I've tried my best to communicate my needs (which I didn't always succeed at; it's a challenge being an Aspie with severe FA). So, so tired of letting myself being treated the way he does.
I completely hear you about going after DA's and being repulsed by good, caring men that would do anything for us. It's that bad, I would rather be alone than with one of them. But, I don't want to be alone forever 😢 why are we repulsed by them? What can we do? 😢
This is me 😮 When I met my current bf, he met the 4 C’s very openly and easily, and I was so confused and scared, I didn’t understand not having to work for his respect, love and care. What should of been our honeymoon phase was me trying to door slam , and self sabotage our relationship. But he would always sit down with me and say “tell me what’s going on” and I would have my cry out. We are a little over a year in, I still am a little FA but the biggest thing that has helped is to state my needs when they come up and not fret or dissect our relationship. This channel has truly taught me A LOT and helped me to understand who I am ❤️
Could a 4th trigger for the door slam be that the FA becomes overwhelmed by their own desires and begins to fear the pain they'd feel if the connection didn't last?
Honestly, this video was so informative. I really appreciate it. I was very confused and frustrated after my breakup with my ex infj gf. And I remember telling her before getting a literal door slam in the face, “you have these walls up and I’ve tried to climb up them, break thru them, and wait for them to tumble. I just don’t know what to do.” I thought at the time maybe I crossed some boundaries, turned her off by giving too much, or didn’t give enough. Then I thought maybe there’s some narcissism there, but never fully believed that. I just felt so sad and heartbroken. And it makes sense though the scaredness to be vulnerable, but not only that the judgmental side that you could see in her body language at times. She expected herself to be perfect and everything was a competition. I just felt bad that she was so hard on herself, so it made it hard to critique or give feedback or ask her to be vulnerable . One of the last things she told me was, “you should just know and feel it. And she didn’t love me.” The whole experience made me think that she believed I didn’t care. The truth is I’ll probably never understand what was going on with her because there were many stressors goin on in her life and my life at the time. I loved her a lot and hope she is doing well. This video has given me a little window into better understanding my experience, her experience, and the shared experience. I really appreciate it. A side note ENFP man here. I wonder if this is a common experience for us 😅😂 thank you for sharing.
I'm an FA. My entire dating life feels like it's been holding a door open and the slamming it shut before anyone even walks through because nobody walks through fast enough. If you take too long to walk through the door I'm holding, I slam it. It doesn't even have to do with level of attachment. The attraction dies the moment I slam the door, and I can't actually control it.
Oh well, looks like I did the door slam. It was because my needs were not being met, even though I told him that I didn't like him going out so much and I was lonely. He continued to do this and that's because he is a dismissive avoidant at the very least, but more likely a narcissist. He also triggered me so much, in so many different ways and then acted innocently unaware or said that I was too sensitive. I guess he just constantly stepped over my boundaries and I finally had enough, felt so unseen and unheard. 😢
I had an FA friend kind of made this to me a few months ago. After trying to reconnect with her multiple times, she made little to no effort back. So, as an FA myself, I decided to door slam too. Sorry, but there are relationships that will die no matter what we do.
It happened recently...he did a few testing/sabotaging (after talking he looked reassured and things were good again), some other patterns showing fears and some pulls away, and then after a month of "I care so much for you" etc almost every day, he pulled away and built a huge wall (he managed to open up during the time) saying he was just hurting me and so on. I saw him got triggered a lot in one specific episode the week before (plus he has a lot of stress in his family situation with his brother and ill parents). Now I'm giving space and time, hoping it will help
I do this 100% when I am triggered. I feel like I DO communicate my needs and feelings over and over again, but they are not heard or taken seriously. Believe me, I am heard when they experience that door slam. I even feel a little resentful for having to get to that point. I can be talked off a ledge with immediate, calm, contrite, proactive words after I've cooled down. I am in a position of extreme clarity at this point, and I've had very few people be able to navigate this effectively. Most of the time it's a 90% cut off. I will be civil to you, but I sure as hell won't go out of my way for you again.
I did this recently to my best friend of more than 20 years. I am FA due to a lifetime of abuse. It's difficult to be healthy in a relationship with an unhealthy person who is also ruled by trauma. I wanted my friend to communicate with me and feel like I was a safe space where we could talk about things. For my part, I tried to do that, but she didn't agree apparently. I wanted communication so we could work out the issues, and she chose passive aggressive bullying and silent treatment. I slammed the door because I am tired of that crap. Since then she has lashed out at me even more, and then she's tried to be sweet and caring like I'm going to sweep the bad stuff under the rug so we can continue like we always have. My family behaves the same way and have done so for most of my life. To say I'm triggered is an understatement. I know it's her trauma controlling her. But even at my worst, darkest points, I didn't take my misery out on someone else. It stayed right inside, internalized, and has tormented me for four decades now. I won't tolerate being a punching bag for anyone's insecurity and projections. My family have seen me stand up to them, and, man, they do not like it. My friend doesn't like it either. Accountability is hard when you've avoided it all your life. I can't keep putting myself aside so I can fix people who won't fix themselves. My entire life has been wasted on trying to save others to the detriment of anything I ever wanted for myself. I cannot, and furthermore I WILL NOT do it anymore. I was afraid of slamming the door because I didn't want to be FA and do it to 'get back' at someone or make them hurt the way they hurt me. It's not about revenge or thinking that another human being is disposable. I slammed the door because I'm a healthier person who wants better for myself. I've been on my recovery journey for three years, and I'm pruning all the dead bits and bad things that don't work for me now. If my friend finally wanted to take some responsibility for the mess that her life is and decide that she loves herself more than she hates herself, then I would be her greatest cheerleader and encourage her so we could grow together. But it's not going to happen. It hasn't happened in the two decades we've been friends. I'm a recovering codependent, and I love myself more. Thank you, Thais. Insightful video.
Thais, you are amazing, thank you so much for all you do. I wish I knew about PDS before my last relationship….everything that my FA ex was afraid someone would do to her, she did to me!!! So not fair. It was ok for her to hang out with exe’s & stonewall & leave me hanging; God forbid I did anything even slightly close to any of those things. I didn’t understand that at all, and it made the relationship feel one sided. Yet when she broke up with me she felt she was giving & giving & giving & not getting anywhere. I understand now going through PDS what happened but still shaking my head. It’s sad.
I have a friend who believes she's AP, but after watching these videos and looking at her relationship dynamics, I'm convinced she's FA. We've decided to get together when our schedules match to watch as many FA videos as possible to see if she sees herself in them. 😅
Hi Thais , I’ve been following you for a couple of months . Love your content. I also signed up for your online program . I’m finding all your content is for younger relationships . My husband recently left me after 25 years :(. He was very interested in attachmnt theory but now he’s given up . I don’t know if you have anything to recommend for a relationship that is broken after 25 years . It was wonderful up until only a few months ago . He’s definitely a disorganized attachement . I appreciate any guidance you may have 💞
I’m a female FA and I actually broke up TODAY with my partner of 2 years (we had been together for 4 years 25 years ago). I was ready for a committed relationship and he wasn’t. He’s actually anxious DA.
I just did this I guess.. I hit a breaking point, but I laid out my thoughts and feelings and fears. My ex is a severe avoidant so he never gave me the consideration of responding. I feel if he did, maybe we could’ve opened a dialogue that would at least allow for friendship but he’s so guarded, and I can’t keep chipping away at someone so in fear of betrayal when after knowing me for over a few years he still treats me like a threat.
As a FA I sadly did this after a party where lots of drinking was involved. I realised this quickly, apologised, took accountability and started therapy. Sadly it was too late and my Anxious partner had quicky detached :( .
Yup. Just a month a half a go. It was long distance. Drove to his city to see him. We had a conversation about politics and he didn't agree with some of my views so he told me he didn't see a future with me but that we could stay as boyfriend and girlfriend forever unless our views evolve. I thanked him for telling me the truth, that he had no intention of the relationship gi8ng further, packed up my things and left.
@Littleowl85352 Hmm. Not really. He knew my stance when we first started dating. He lied about his political affiliation at first, and then after a year and a half of dating he said it was something else. It would have been reasonable if he would have 1. Said it when we first started dating and not a year and a half after 2. Not after I drive 4 hours to see you and we make all these plans with his family and have tickets to events 3. Only really breaking up with me - not because his stance was different - but threatened the break up if I didn't change mine. Lol. So no. Not reasonable at all. If politics was important to you, and not a deal breaker, one would think you would say it at the beginning and now after a year and a half. And definitely not after someone spends their time and resources to see you. That's a jerk to me lol. And him not ghosting me, doesn't give him a pass. That's an extreme. He handled it horribly and I honestly think it's less to do with politics, and more to do with him wanting to "win" the debate. Also, I drive four hours back home, and after a year and a half, you say nothing to me? Don't even make sure I made it home? No apologies for asking me to drive long distance only to pull the rug from underneath me i.e. slam the door? I'm sorry. Absolutely nothing is reasonable about that. 😢
Im sorry. This is horrible and no, not reasonable. Based on Thais' videis about FAs, here is what i think @@CeeP211 1. Since it was long distance and you had different political affiliations, he knew it was safe to date up until a certain point. He probably didn't think there was long term potential anyway. 2. The politics, is an excuse. As you said, if that was a deal breaker, he would have said it in the beginning. He brought that up to flaw find and have a way out. 3. Right now, he is probably hoping you reach out to him. They don't typically reach out because they don't wanna be vulnerable. I hope you stay in NC to heal. There is a better partner for you. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you really dodged a bullet.
@CeeP211 I'm sorry. No. This isn't reasonable at all. Here's some thoughts based on how many FAs operate according to Thais: 1. He wasn't truthful and was in a long distance relationship because he knew there was going to be an expiration date anyway. 2. You're right, politics was an excuse. Reasonable people would bring that up in the beginning if it's important. He started flaw finding, and he picked the political conversation to flaw find and create distance. He needed an out. 3. He probably wants you to contact him, FAs don't like to show vulnerability, so they don't typically reach out. If he does, it will be in an indirect way. I'm sorry. You did not deserve this. But understand it's not about you. I hope you find a better partner.
I like how you mention psychological type (infj) as well as personality disorders (npd) because isolating just attachment styles doesn't paint the whole picture. I'm going to write out my full type as an example... INFJ enneagram 9w1 sexual/self preservation quiet borderline personality disorder fearful avoidant attachment style.
Instead of working on themselves some of these individuals give excuse they are avoidant, don't tolerate abusive behaviour from them only give unconditional positive regard to those trying to change.....otherwise shut them out for your own peace.....they will exhaust you with the details of what's happening to them..... let them pay a therapist to take care of their problems.
As a fearful avoidant, if you want to approach me you need to lead with responding to the specific need I expressed. If you ignore it and start with small talk you will be perceived as selfish, disrespectful and disruptive and therefore ignored.
@@CeeP211 we all do one way or another at least at first or when we think we can trust you or give you a benefit of a doubt, but you need to listen. When we don't or can't it is when we are activated or things have gone too far. @Van-hb4gi I feel the same.
@dandanut5409 Nah. Mine never did. No one way or another. Never lol. They would always tell me they were happy and/or satisfied. One even said I was the best relationship I ever had. Thais said what I experienced was common as many FAs don't express needs because they don't feel safe. You may have expressed yours, but that certainly wasn't my experience (and many others )
Its good your doing the work but also that you recognize your not ready to pick. We are all failable imperfect people but its an absolute brutal experience to have a deeply invested partner just walk out of ones life. Not finger pointing but when people think of :walking away " it rocks many peoples world. Kids , grandchildren, inlaws etc. As a society we dont hear much about, Integrity honesty, commitment, family, community,honor,forgiveness,gratitude and REALITY. We are a spoiled divided society.
This sounds a lot like mbti sometimes to me. INTJs and INFJs door slam. We also tend to get into less relationships, be less emotional at least outwardly. I’m an INTJ, I wonder if there’s a correlation. This is not to say this is the case all the time as stated in the video, but there might be a level of significance
Dear Avoidants, You are capable of love. You are capable caring. You have the capability of thinking and seeing things outside of yourselves. You are not incapable of these things. And you can receive love, be cared for, and thought about in return especially when it comes to your wants, needs and boundaries. You may not wanna feel because you've been programmed to think that you don't matter in any aspect. But you do matter!!! Do you want the person you love to think that you don't love them? Do you want the person you love to think that you don't care about them? Because being on the receiving end of this hot and cold behavior, I can assure you that, that's exactly what this behavior makes someone feel. The subconscious mind is a powerful thing. Almost as powerful as projection. You felt you didn't matter to other people. You felt like your thoughts and feelings didn't matter. So you associate being vulnerable with someone with neglect. And in closing yourself off to someone who may love you as much as you love them, you project that feeling of neglect onto the person you love or may have feelings for. And being on the receiving end can really make someone feel so alone, unwanted, unheard, unloved, and not cared for. Do you wanna project all those sad feelings onto someone else? Something tells me your intentions are never that. But regardless of what your intentions are, that's what's happening when you close yourself off and slam that door without giving people a chance to make something right, or learn what your wants, needs and boundaries are. If you're an avoidant and you're reading this, please consider doing something different if you really have feelings for someone. Don't reach out to them if this is a cycle. I used to be an avoidant. I understand the feeling of years of neglect. Talking about things aren't easy for me. But I've been in therapy for 4 years now. And I've learned so much about myself and my subconscious mind. And yeah, my therapist doesn't have a magic wand that can make this uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability go away. But I deal and cope better. I self sooth in healthier ways. And I've learned to build a HEALTHY tolerance of things that make me uncomfortable. You know why I do that? Because I don't wanna project my negative feelings of neglect towards myself onto people I love and care about. I don't want my friends and family to feel like I don't love them and care about them. I learned to be more mindful, aware and considerate towards their feelings. But that also requires my own boundaries in the mix of all of that. Stop neglecting yourselves in relationships. You're not just hurting yourself when you do that. You probably have a family that love you, friends that love you, a PARTNER that loves you. But they can't love you the way the probably want to because they're not mind readers and don't know that they're crossing boundaries with you. Take it from someone who was an avoidant and from someone who has also been on the receiving end of this attachment style. Consider this point of view.
Yeah I'm also FA and have stunned so many men when I door slam and they suddenly run back and can't budge that door one iota. Ever. They tie themselves in knots trying to get it back open, but it's an extremely rare man that can get that door back open, and it's completely dependent on how they treated me in general in the 'relationship', prior. My feelings just change towards them once the door is closed, and once they do, I'm done. Forever
@@whiggygirl That's fine. I shouldn't want that back anyway. I want healthy and normal. I treated her like gold and she slammed me out?!?! I deserve so much better. Her loss.
Broke up with me 2 weeks after our pregnancy ended than ghosted and blocked me. It’s been 4 months and I’m still blocked and have never been so incredibly traumatized in my life. I don’t know how to survive this.
Omg. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I can't even imagine how traumatizing this must be. Do you have a therapist or close friends you can talk to? It's so essential that you have a supportive network around you right now. I'm sending you love and healing energy as you navigate through this.
Went from trying to decide whether we should elope or have a wedding on Friday to her breaking up with me on Sunday because I said I was a little disappointed in how the weekend went when she chose to work on her day off. The relationship had been perfect before that with never a fight and barely even a disagreement. 5' 10" gorgeous strawberry blonde with QBPD and FA. Took a long time to get over that one.
What about it when the FA has been vulnerable but never getting received, mostly working and engaging but to no avail, towards better functioning people, who lack mental, emotional, communicative and spiritual awareness though? - oh, is FA about inability to be vulnerable and be able to receive? It's not quite me then, competence, Aspergers and individuality mixing into it, then.
It depends on the person and situation. For me if it was someone who leans anxious then no. I'll be gone forever. If it's someone who leans secure or avoidant then I will possibly be back if I trusted them but generally if they are the one to reach out.
I've always view discarding as abruptly ending the relationship for another new relationship. I know person who I suspect is narcissist. That's their MO with friends. The get new friend and the old friend is completely discarded. They tend to come back months or even years with old friend the repeat it.
Should say, an abrupt end of relationship is not discarding to me. There all kind of reasons for abrupt ending. That are not discarding. So I don't see that as discarding.
@@chrismaxwell1624same. I’ll also say that as a DA I only get into relationships like every few years after an ending. So I don’t leave for someone else
@@dandanut5409this seems to be a genuine question for a problem FAs have in relationships, the focus here was to enlighten the FA so they can work on those things, not to shift blame and justify the behaviour, when you learn more about someones triggers and then want to show up to and grow with them, that's an opportunity for both people to reconnect and feel safe, that's a kind of someone to go out of their way, learn more about someone elses trigger s, enroll in person development and show up differently all to love and support you. No one is able to read peoples minds everyone learns as they go
I'm an FA, and 99% of the time you wouldn't be able to reopen the door once it's closed. Our feelings have changed by that point, generally. It is a very very rare man who can get the door back open, and it all depends on how you treated the FA in general in your 'relationship', prior. If the FA feels you respected them generally and genuinely cared, but have legit reasons for the behaviour you portrayed, that led to them slamming the door, you may be in with a shot, otherwise, I'm sorry
I used to be 30% FA and was once punished and forced to behave like a secure person, to address issues and speak my needs. If i do not do it, i would be given ultimatum by the friend(abandoned or ignored). In order to keep the friendship, I addressed how i felt, the issues and my needs but I was met with defensiveness, deflect and questioning of my needs and wants. I was being linguistic manipulated and gaslighted all these time(thanks for my psychologist for pointing this out). I resulted in doorslam that friend and never look back. This experience left an extremely deep scar that is hard to heal because up till this day im still questioning my own choices and mind. It has hurt my self esteem and confidence too great. Its okay to doorslam an unhealthy relationship, some things about others we cant fix and we can choose to draw boundary or leave.
@@hspinnovators5516 Yes indeed. I learnt from that experience is that it's okay to be insecure, being insecure can also lead a healthy life and drawing boundary with what I am not capable at the moment rather than trying to give more than that I could when I do not have the capacity to do so. Being emotionally mature is totally totally different from being secure, an insecure person can still be emotionally mature and secure person could still be emotionally immature.
Can’t it be both? Being triggered and having a valid response to the situation? I feel like FA have a very limited view of right and wrong, but sometimes these are issues that should be non negotiable in most relationships. It’s very easy to be manipulated in instances like this, especially if you recognize you have a FA style.
So am I a DA? No idea But example. I worked w women who bodyshamed me and monitored my eating lol. I left the job immediately when I could and they still come by MY APARTMENT even if I didn’t reach out once?! And ring the doorbell and tried to talk to me which… wtf?
@@kiaral822 I appreciate the free content. Might seem rude to you but I did say please. Why was vocal fry non existent 15 years ago now it's everywhere? Seems like a choice. I could totally be wrong though. Thanks for your feedback. Have a good one
@jdavid118 I don't believe you know what vocal fry is as it was very prevalent 15 years ago. -possibly more so then than now. And this isn't it. What you are perceiving as vocal fry could be many things, including the content creator's natural way of speaking, a physical condition, illness, etc. But it certainly does not present as an affectation as you are stating. Saying please and thank you does not make you right nor polite. Inconsiderate is Inconsiderate. It is also none of your concern how people conduct themselves. You would be better off managing yourself than trying to manage the lives of others.
It's really painful seeing your FA partner not be vulnerable in an overall healthy relationship, and it ending due to those triggers/fears and lack of vulnerability and not willing to work through solvable conflicts. Has anyone else experienced this?
right here.
As an FA who is working through my attachment wounds, it breaks MY OWN heart when I lock up and shut down. Because I truly want to he seen and known. And it's not just during conflict.
A true story: Every week, I meet my boyfriend for a hike, I have a further drive, so he brings snacks. Usually something on the unhealthier side. Haha. I was trying to cut back on snacks and go to the gym afterward. I agonized for hours before texting him to request something different because my inner dialogue looked like this:
"You're ungrateful."
" He didn't have to bring anything, and I should be appreciative of what I get."
"OH, what he gives you isn't good enough? Who do you think you are?"
All of this is over asking for a bottle of water instead of a bottle of soda!!
Eventually, I asked and he was like, "No problem, babe." And he even remembered for future hikes. NOW, the inner turmoil that caused for me was a guarantee that I wouldn't be able to hash out an argument.
I'd recommend encouraging your partner to share smaller preferences (put chips in the bank) to encourage trust. I would "go along to get along" and while my logic brain "knew" he loved me, I blocked every opportunity for him to consider me. He had no chips in my bank to help me stay present in the harder times. ❤
Yes. It was my longest friend (ages 11 to 34) not a romantic partner, but yeah. She took any opinion that was different than her as a personal insult. I didn’t even realize how many little things she took offense to, because she just bottled it up with resentment. Until I had to distance myself for my physical safety (she ignored my medically necessary request and explanation, and refused to talk about it or apologize for the physical danger she risked me), and she felt the need to tell my husband some of the things she had apparently been holding against me.
It’s a huge betrayal, knowing she assumed and judged so much but pretended to be my friend and be nice. I told her I could no longer consider her a friend. What a relief! I had no idea how much I catered to her easily offended feelings, in communication, in visiting with friends, in how I thought about people! I have become much more healthy in the almost year since I separated from her. I am thankful for the good memories, but it would be a betrayal of our friendship to stay together and keep hurting each other.
I'm sure this is painful for their partners. And if this is how they feel, imagine just how tortured, conflicted and full of shame, self loathing and despair the FA likely is.
Yepp dealt with it for 3 years and 2 break ups. Talk about a wild ride.
When I do this, it’s because my boundaries have been extremely violated over and over again and I hit my breaking point and never speak to them again.
Yeah like I either felt disrespected over and over, my no wasn’t respected or a guy I was dating kept disappearing for days at a time.
SAME
Are your boundaries:" no conflict allowed or I'm leaving." And "you cannot hold me accountable for my lack of consideration for your needs"?
Or were your boundaries reasonable and healthy?
Also, did you openly and verbally explicitly explain your boundaries ? Or did you expect them to read your mind ?
I think the no conflict thing honestly might be more DA. I truly do try and communicate my boundaries although not always the best job I admit. But it’s like repeat violations over and over again and I don’t mean small things. I mean boundaries really that no one should even have to communicate. Like a DA cheating on me. That’s what happened with my last relationship.
Exactly
I was in a relationship with an FA for nearly 3 years. I knew his needs weren’t being met because he didn’t communicate any of them. He expressed some needs at the very beginning of the relationship, but never again. His withdrawal was sudden and painful, and I was powerless to stop it. I made the mistake of thinking he needed too much time to warm up to me. I gave him way too much time. 😢
FAs need you to feel their feelings and know their depth without words. Because as FAs that is what we feel we are doing to you, plus acts of service. we are very good at reading everyone else but not ourselves sometimes...
Did u consistently ask and make it safe and state ur own ?
@@dandanut5409- very good at reading others? 😂😂😂😂😂
As a FA who woefully self sabotaged and swore against vulnerability as a life motto, and lost his wife and kids because of these decisions and some worse ones, I can say that there is hope, and as you recognise and move towards secure attachment and let your guard down, recognise and change false perceptions and clogged filters, and lean into vulnerability, everything can change. These videos are so informative and true when you are in FA state, and you perceive the threat of vulnerability as an instant gateway to hell. I'm on the other side of this bridge, and still navigating the wreckage and damage I did, but am even as we speak in the presence of my kids at my separated partners house while she rests. And we're communicating, and we're dealing with the big stuff, and it's not the end of the world, even though sometimes it still feels like it. Anyone struggling, keep pushing for improvement and keep learning, your breakthrough may be closer than you think, maybe even just one conversation away.
I love that for u, I really do ❤
This is all accurate. When I leaned more in my FA before becoming more SA, I did one of two things. I would either feel bombarded by an anxious attachment who broke my boundaries and I would abruptly leave OR if I dated someone leaning more avoidant, I would hold it all in, unleash the verbal wrath and then again...leave. With the anxious I would be very upfront about my boundaries to avoid a catastrophe that I knew would inevitability happen. Not respecting my space, getting angry and sometimes controlling or just hounding me. It was honestly annoying and sometimes there's nothing you can say for them to have an understanding of what we need. When dating someone more avoidant I did the opposite where I wouldn't express my needs and non-negotiables and essentially expect them to read my mind then quietly be upset while I planned my inevitable out.
I've done a TON of work on myself since I last dated and even though I test SA, I don't even feel close to being ready to date. It hasn't been easy living in this body and mind and I guarantee it's taken years off my life from a lifetime of stress and inner turmoil.
I still don't trust my judgment of picking a partner, but relationships aren't and have never been a priority in ny life. I just know that my time and space is priority. I'm not interested in compromising this which is why DA's and I mesh well together. I don't feel like this is an unhealthy stance either. We should all be able to design our lives as we please. Heal enough to not chance hurting others, make your boundaries and non-negotiables known from the beginning and don't try changing anyone. Also, be brave enough to walk away from someone you love if your needs aren't getting met. Staying and hurting yourself is never a good idea.
Thank you for your in depth share, I appreciate it! You bring up some good points and should be proud of your growth and self awareness ❤
@@hspinnovators5516 ❤️
You always leave such thoughtful comments. That last paragraph stands out more to me. I think that people have this cookie cutter idea of what relationships should look like. It’s all so subjective and shouldn’t be pathologized unless it’s actually unhealthy/illegal. If something isn’t right then it’s up to us to make the moves for ourselves to get to a place we want to be. I’m DA (I think) and so I tend to need more space, I’m a acts of service person, and outside of that I tend to be a straight shooter. I’m about to “discard” someone soon who is anxious but keeps trying to push a relationship on me that I don’t want. I have said no, I have explained that they’re dodging a bullet with me, I was a bit more firm and asked why if I’ve never flirted with them (which they agreed with) are they finding it so hard to stop trying to force a romantic/sexual relationship. They won’t stop. I’m very much prepared to be the villain in this story, but point is, we are all different and the most important thing is we respect ourselves and others. Respecting oneself starts with disengaging from situations that don’t serve us, not trying to force change on another
@@sj3969 thank you and you're right. I've read tons of comments on here and also experienced it in real life where there are certain people who seem to think that their understanding of a relationship is the only way. When I've expressed that different people want different things and that we just need to date people we're more compatible with, people try and shut that idea down. I don't understand that way of thinking. My ex (DA) and I saw each other once a week and sometimes I needed to skip a week or two and he didn't bat an eyelash. Same if he needed to. We were very much in love (still are) and we were in sync with one another and didn't personalize ones need for space. We kept in touch everyday, but usually just a check in. When we saw each other, our conversations over dinner were amazing and we were engulfed in one another with our time spent each week. It was perfect. When I would explain this to people, they refused to call it a relationship and said it was fwb's. Lol I have explained it IS a relationship, it's just one that we made perfect for us, nope. Shut down. 😆
@@LeeChrissy hugs! yes I felt bad for a long time.
I was a FA and now more on the secure side. I recently went through this with a FA. The push/pull dynamic, the discarding after feeling too vulnerable, flirting with other woman. The connection lasted 6 weeks but not often it felt peaceful, it felt chaotic and was causing my nervous system to flip out. The few times it was peaceful he would self sabotage and cause us to go back into a feeling of chaos. I am so relieved I have been able to heal to where I am now because I could see it, understand it and walk away. I was direct and kind with my communication but in the end he always had a wall up with me but would open up to another woman about us. Communication is important to me. It was never me vs him, it was always him and I vs the problem. To him, he let others perceptions interfere and I was always ended up the bad guy and we would go back into the chaotic feeling again. He’s a great guy but I have been down the road b4 with a FA and all it took was a year for me to go from AA to FA. I won’t go back to that. I hated how it made me feel. I like the peaceful feeling that being secure brings.
Thanks for your vulnerable share ❤
I’m an infj & an fa. I’ve done the door slam many times & am learning to catch myself prior to doing so. This videos is accurate. Makes me wonder if most infjs are fa.
Same combo here. Same exact pattern. All of my relationships play out the EXACT same way, regardless of my partner or any other circumstances.
My ex is an INTJ and he did what was discussed in the video...
@@summerxwings I think any personality type can have any attachment style. But certain attachment styles may be more common among certain personality types than others is all I meant. Also, a personally type doesn’t define you anymore than an attachment style does. They just help us to understand ourselves & others better.
@@summerxwingsINTJs too doorslam
@katymello3547 same with mine. That's what has finally led to me realising what the issue was. Everyone I know just says "Their loss", or sticks up for me but they don't see my 'behaviour' prior and how maybe the issues could have been fixed if I didn't just shut down. I've cut so so many friends and partners completely out of my life in this way. I could have been friends with them for years, but it makes no difference. I guess that's why I find it so easily to cut narcissist family members dead, as well
To me, the worst part is that to know all of this, being a mental health professional, having had years of relationship experience as well as voluntary "alone years" with the sole purpose of healing myself and becoming a better partner in the future - and then fall into the same exact patterns, again and again.
I often end up with DA partners (like my current one) and run away from or feel repulsed by good, caring men who are willing to give me everything I've ever longed for but never had.
I may be a mess, yes, but by now, I know my worth as a partner. I'm about to slam the door in my DA's face. This time, I've tried my best to communicate my needs (which I didn't always succeed at; it's a challenge being an Aspie with severe FA). So, so tired of letting myself being treated the way he does.
I completely hear you about going after DA's and being repulsed by good, caring men that would do anything for us. It's that bad, I would rather be alone than with one of them. But, I don't want to be alone forever 😢 why are we repulsed by them? What can we do? 😢
This video was…literally entire my life. Especially #2. I’m working super hard to heal & be a better version of myself.
This sounds like just anxious attachment…..except we don’t leave. We keep giving even after we’re burned out.
This is me 😮 When I met my current bf, he met the 4 C’s very openly and easily, and I was so confused and scared, I didn’t understand not having to work for his respect, love and care. What should of been our honeymoon phase was me trying to door slam , and self sabotage our relationship. But he would always sit down with me and say “tell me what’s going on” and I would have my cry out. We are a little over a year in, I still am a little FA but the biggest thing that has helped is to state my needs when they come up and not fret or dissect our relationship. This channel has truly taught me A LOT and helped me to understand who I am ❤️
I'm a fearful avoidant and I approve this message.
😅
Could a 4th trigger for the door slam be that the FA becomes overwhelmed by their own desires and begins to fear the pain they'd feel if the connection didn't last?
Yes
no
definitely maybe
Yeah, they tend to run from healthy partners, especially when they have a lot of trauma in their past.
Sure but
Doesn’t make it ok
Honestly, this video was so informative. I really appreciate it. I was very confused and frustrated after my breakup with my ex infj gf. And I remember telling her before getting a literal door slam in the face, “you have these walls up and I’ve tried to climb up them, break thru them, and wait for them to tumble. I just don’t know what to do.” I thought at the time maybe I crossed some boundaries, turned her off by giving too much, or didn’t give enough. Then I thought maybe there’s some narcissism there, but never fully believed that. I just felt so sad and heartbroken. And it makes sense though the scaredness to be vulnerable, but not only that the judgmental side that you could see in her body language at times. She expected herself to be perfect and everything was a competition. I just felt bad that she was so hard on herself, so it made it hard to critique or give feedback or ask her to be vulnerable . One of the last things she told me was, “you should just know and feel it. And she didn’t love me.” The whole experience made me think that she believed I didn’t care. The truth is I’ll probably never understand what was going on with her because there were many stressors goin on in her life and my life at the time. I loved her a lot and hope she is doing well. This video has given me a little window into better understanding my experience, her experience, and the shared experience. I really appreciate it. A side note ENFP man here. I wonder if this is a common experience for us 😅😂 thank you for sharing.
I'm an FA.
My entire dating life feels like it's been holding a door open and the slamming it shut before anyone even walks through because nobody walks through fast enough.
If you take too long to walk through the door I'm holding, I slam it. It doesn't even have to do with level of attachment. The attraction dies the moment I slam the door, and I can't actually control it.
I'm an FA, and did just that with my DA gf of 4 years. It gets to a point when the DA becomes def to communication
I totally do this..didn't know that it had a name
I'm glad this video taught you something 🤗
Oh well, looks like I did the door slam. It was because my needs were not being met, even though I told him that I didn't like him going out so much and I was lonely. He continued to do this and that's because he is a dismissive avoidant at the very least, but more likely a narcissist. He also triggered me so much, in so many different ways and then acted innocently unaware or said that I was too sensitive. I guess he just constantly stepped over my boundaries and I finally had enough, felt so unseen and unheard. 😢
I had an FA friend kind of made this to me a few months ago. After trying to reconnect with her multiple times, she made little to no effort back. So, as an FA myself, I decided to door slam too. Sorry, but there are relationships that will die no matter what we do.
@hspinnovators5516 this is the biggest lesson I learnt last year- not the being perfect, but the trying my hardest to fix everything
It happened recently...he did a few testing/sabotaging (after talking he looked reassured and things were good again), some other patterns showing fears and some pulls away, and then after a month of "I care so much for you" etc almost every day, he pulled away and built a huge wall (he managed to open up during the time) saying he was just hurting me and so on. I saw him got triggered a lot in one specific episode the week before (plus he has a lot of stress in his family situation with his brother and ill parents).
Now I'm giving space and time, hoping it will help
Thank you for your personal share, I appreciate it! I'm sorry to hear that and hope everything works out ❤
I do this 100% when I am triggered. I feel like I DO communicate my needs and feelings over and over again, but they are not heard or taken seriously. Believe me, I am heard when they experience that door slam. I even feel a little resentful for having to get to that point. I can be talked off a ledge with immediate, calm, contrite, proactive words after I've cooled down. I am in a position of extreme clarity at this point, and I've had very few people be able to navigate this effectively. Most of the time it's a 90% cut off. I will be civil to you, but I sure as hell won't go out of my way for you again.
The 'unmet needs' part really hit close to home. Especially when the receiving end was a dismissive avoidant.
I did this recently to my best friend of more than 20 years. I am FA due to a lifetime of abuse. It's difficult to be healthy in a relationship with an unhealthy person who is also ruled by trauma. I wanted my friend to communicate with me and feel like I was a safe space where we could talk about things. For my part, I tried to do that, but she didn't agree apparently. I wanted communication so we could work out the issues, and she chose passive aggressive bullying and silent treatment.
I slammed the door because I am tired of that crap. Since then she has lashed out at me even more, and then she's tried to be sweet and caring like I'm going to sweep the bad stuff under the rug so we can continue like we always have. My family behaves the same way and have done so for most of my life. To say I'm triggered is an understatement. I know it's her trauma controlling her. But even at my worst, darkest points, I didn't take my misery out on someone else. It stayed right inside, internalized, and has tormented me for four decades now.
I won't tolerate being a punching bag for anyone's insecurity and projections. My family have seen me stand up to them, and, man, they do not like it. My friend doesn't like it either. Accountability is hard when you've avoided it all your life. I can't keep putting myself aside so I can fix people who won't fix themselves. My entire life has been wasted on trying to save others to the detriment of anything I ever wanted for myself. I cannot, and furthermore I WILL NOT do it anymore.
I was afraid of slamming the door because I didn't want to be FA and do it to 'get back' at someone or make them hurt the way they hurt me. It's not about revenge or thinking that another human being is disposable. I slammed the door because I'm a healthier person who wants better for myself. I've been on my recovery journey for three years, and I'm pruning all the dead bits and bad things that don't work for me now. If my friend finally wanted to take some responsibility for the mess that her life is and decide that she loves herself more than she hates herself, then I would be her greatest cheerleader and encourage her so we could grow together. But it's not going to happen. It hasn't happened in the two decades we've been friends. I'm a recovering codependent, and I love myself more.
Thank you, Thais. Insightful video.
Thais, you are amazing, thank you so much for all you do. I wish I knew about PDS before my last relationship….everything that my FA ex was afraid someone would do to her, she did to me!!! So not fair. It was ok for her to hang out with exe’s & stonewall & leave me hanging; God forbid I did anything even slightly close to any of those things. I didn’t understand that at all, and it made the relationship feel one sided. Yet when she broke up with me she felt she was giving & giving & giving & not getting anywhere. I understand now going through PDS what happened but still shaking my head. It’s sad.
I have a friend who believes she's AP, but after watching these videos and looking at her relationship dynamics, I'm convinced she's FA. We've decided to get together when our schedules match to watch as many FA videos as possible to see if she sees herself in them. 😅
As an INFJ FA… yes.
Hi Thais ,
I’ve been following you for a couple of months . Love your content. I also signed up for your online program . I’m finding all your content is for younger relationships .
My husband recently left me after 25 years :(. He was very interested in attachmnt theory but now he’s given up .
I don’t know if you have anything to recommend for a relationship that is broken after 25 years .
It was wonderful up until only a few months ago . He’s definitely a disorganized attachement .
I appreciate any guidance you may have 💞
I’m a female FA and I actually broke up TODAY with my partner of 2 years (we had been together for 4 years 25 years ago). I was ready for a committed relationship and he wasn’t. He’s actually anxious DA.
what the heck is an anxious DA...
@@summerxwingswould also like to know
@@summerxwings😂
I did ask them to share their needs and that’s when I got the door slammed. I told him I felt disconnected and that’s what I got
I just did this I guess.. I hit a breaking point, but I laid out my thoughts and feelings and fears. My ex is a severe avoidant so he never gave me the consideration of responding. I feel if he did, maybe we could’ve opened a dialogue that would at least allow for friendship but he’s so guarded, and I can’t keep chipping away at someone so in fear of betrayal when after knowing me for over a few years he still treats me like a threat.
Same
For a brief second I thought I was reading my own comment. Like looking in a mirror.
As a FA I sadly did this after a party where lots of drinking was involved. I realised this quickly, apologised, took accountability and started therapy. Sadly it was too late and my Anxious partner had quicky detached :( .
I am a FA and the military reinforced my avoidant tendencies. Have yet to find any videos on the impact Uncle Sam has on an attachment style.
really insightful as usual Thais
Have you ever experienced the "fearful avoidant door slam"? Let me know what your experience was like! ❤
Yup. Just a month a half a go. It was long distance. Drove to his city to see him. We had a conversation about politics and he didn't agree with some of my views so he told me he didn't see a future with me but that we could stay as boyfriend and girlfriend forever unless our views evolve. I thanked him for telling me the truth, that he had no intention of the relationship gi8ng further, packed up my things and left.
@Littleowl85352 Hmm. Not really. He knew my stance when we first started dating. He lied about his political affiliation at first, and then after a year and a half of dating he said it was something else. It would have been reasonable if he would have 1. Said it when we first started dating and not a year and a half after 2. Not after I drive 4 hours to see you and we make all these plans with his family and have tickets to events 3. Only really breaking up with me - not because his stance was different - but threatened the break up if I didn't change mine.
Lol. So no. Not reasonable at all. If politics was important to you, and not a deal breaker, one would think you would say it at the beginning and now after a year and a half. And definitely not after someone spends their time and resources to see you. That's a jerk to me lol. And him not ghosting me, doesn't give him a pass. That's an extreme. He handled it horribly and I honestly think it's less to do with politics, and more to do with him wanting to "win" the debate. Also, I drive four hours back home, and after a year and a half, you say nothing to me? Don't even make sure I made it home? No apologies for asking me to drive long distance only to pull the rug from underneath me i.e. slam the door?
I'm sorry. Absolutely nothing is reasonable about that. 😢
Im sorry. This is horrible and no, not reasonable. Based on Thais' videis about FAs, here is what i think @@CeeP211
1. Since it was long distance and you had different political affiliations, he knew it was safe to date up until a certain point. He probably didn't think there was long term potential anyway.
2. The politics, is an excuse. As you said, if that was a deal breaker, he would have said it in the beginning. He brought that up to flaw find and have a way out.
3. Right now, he is probably hoping you reach out to him. They don't typically reach out because they don't wanna be vulnerable.
I hope you stay in NC to heal. There is a better partner for you. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you really dodged a bullet.
@CeeP211 I'm sorry. No. This isn't reasonable at all. Here's some thoughts based on how many FAs operate according to Thais:
1. He wasn't truthful and was in a long distance relationship because he knew there was going to be an expiration date anyway.
2. You're right, politics was an excuse. Reasonable people would bring that up in the beginning if it's important. He started flaw finding, and he picked the political conversation to flaw find and create distance. He needed an out.
3. He probably wants you to contact him, FAs don't like to show vulnerability, so they don't typically reach out. If he does, it will be in an indirect way.
I'm sorry. You did not deserve this. But understand it's not about you. I hope you find a better partner.
@@carlitap4793 thank you so much. You are spot on with everything I was thinking. I'm heartbroken, but I'll make it through.
I like how you mention psychological type (infj) as well as personality disorders (npd) because isolating just attachment styles doesn't paint the whole picture. I'm going to write out my full type as an example... INFJ enneagram 9w1 sexual/self preservation quiet borderline personality disorder fearful avoidant attachment style.
Instead of working on themselves some of these individuals give excuse they are avoidant, don't tolerate abusive behaviour from them only give unconditional positive regard to those trying to change.....otherwise shut them out for your own peace.....they will exhaust you with the details of what's happening to them..... let them pay a therapist to take care of their problems.
As a fearful avoidant, if you want to approach me you need to lead with responding to the specific need I expressed. If you ignore it and start with small talk you will be perceived as selfish, disrespectful and disruptive and therefore ignored.
That's great that you actually express your needs. All the FAs I dated never did.
@@CeeP211 we all do one way or another at least at first or when we think we can trust you or give you a benefit of a doubt, but you need to listen. When we don't or can't it is when we are activated or things have gone too far. @Van-hb4gi I feel the same.
@dandanut5409 Nah. Mine never did. No one way or another. Never lol. They would always tell me they were happy and/or satisfied. One even said I was the best relationship I ever had. Thais said what I experienced was common as many FAs don't express needs because they don't feel safe. You may have expressed yours, but that certainly wasn't my experience (and many others )
Thais, are most FAs INFJ?? Because I am an INFP and a heavy FA. Would love your thoughts on this.
Come on everyone! 14K views and not even 1000 thumbs 👍 ⬆️. Let’s hit that 👍 for Thais ❤
Its good your doing the work but also that you recognize your not ready to pick. We are all failable imperfect people but its an absolute brutal experience to have a deeply invested partner just walk out of ones life. Not finger pointing but when people think of :walking away " it rocks many peoples world. Kids , grandchildren, inlaws etc. As a society we dont hear much about, Integrity honesty, commitment, family, community,honor,forgiveness,gratitude and REALITY. We are a spoiled divided society.
Commitment, honour, and all those qualities you mentioned are being forgotten in today's society.
This sounds a lot like mbti sometimes to me. INTJs and INFJs door slam. We also tend to get into less relationships, be less emotional at least outwardly. I’m an INTJ, I wonder if there’s a correlation. This is not to say this is the case all the time as stated in the video, but there might be a level of significance
Dear Avoidants,
You are capable of love. You are capable caring. You have the capability of thinking and seeing things outside of yourselves. You are not incapable of these things. And you can receive love, be cared for, and thought about in return especially when it comes to your wants, needs and boundaries. You may not wanna feel because you've been programmed to think that you don't matter in any aspect. But you do matter!!! Do you want the person you love to think that you don't love them? Do you want the person you love to think that you don't care about them? Because being on the receiving end of this hot and cold behavior, I can assure you that, that's exactly what this behavior makes someone feel. The subconscious mind is a powerful thing. Almost as powerful as projection. You felt you didn't matter to other people. You felt like your thoughts and feelings didn't matter. So you associate being vulnerable with someone with neglect. And in closing yourself off to someone who may love you as much as you love them, you project that feeling of neglect onto the person you love or may have feelings for. And being on the receiving end can really make someone feel so alone, unwanted, unheard, unloved, and not cared for. Do you wanna project all those sad feelings onto someone else? Something tells me your intentions are never that. But regardless of what your intentions are, that's what's happening when you close yourself off and slam that door without giving people a chance to make something right, or learn what your wants, needs and boundaries are. If you're an avoidant and you're reading this, please consider doing something different if you really have feelings for someone. Don't reach out to them if this is a cycle. I used to be an avoidant. I understand the feeling of years of neglect. Talking about things aren't easy for me. But I've been in therapy for 4 years now. And I've learned so much about myself and my subconscious mind. And yeah, my therapist doesn't have a magic wand that can make this uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability go away. But I deal and cope better. I self sooth in healthier ways. And I've learned to build a HEALTHY tolerance of things that make me uncomfortable. You know why I do that? Because I don't wanna project my negative feelings of neglect towards myself onto people I love and care about. I don't want my friends and family to feel like I don't love them and care about them. I learned to be more mindful, aware and considerate towards their feelings. But that also requires my own boundaries in the mix of all of that. Stop neglecting yourselves in relationships. You're not just hurting yourself when you do that. You probably have a family that love you, friends that love you, a PARTNER that loves you. But they can't love you the way the probably want to because they're not mind readers and don't know that they're crossing boundaries with you. Take it from someone who was an avoidant and from someone who has also been on the receiving end of this attachment style. Consider this point of view.
How do you get out of it if you are FA and your spouse is a DA? I feel that all 3 reasons have happened to me, and now I am shutting the door.
Oh hits so close to home. Wish you would call me ex and explain this to her
I didn't know she was FA until she suddenly slammed the door and there was no opening it back up
Yeah I'm also FA and have stunned so many men when I door slam and they suddenly run back and can't budge that door one iota. Ever. They tie themselves in knots trying to get it back open, but it's an extremely rare man that can get that door back open, and it's completely dependent on how they treated me in general in the 'relationship', prior. My feelings just change towards them once the door is closed, and once they do, I'm done. Forever
@@whiggygirl That's fine. I shouldn't want that back anyway. I want healthy and normal. I treated her like gold and she slammed me out?!?! I deserve so much better. Her loss.
@ScottH7651 well that's just rude. No wonder she left. I hope she is much happier now she's left your toxic ass behind 😁
Broke up with me 2 weeks after our pregnancy ended than ghosted and blocked me. It’s been 4 months and I’m still blocked and have never been so incredibly traumatized in my life. I don’t know how to survive this.
Omg. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I can't even imagine how traumatizing this must be. Do you have a therapist or close friends you can talk to? It's so essential that you have a supportive network around you right now. I'm sending you love and healing energy as you navigate through this.
@@CeeP211 thank you. I have been leaning on friends and some support groups. Some of my friends have literally saved my life during this time.
Went from trying to decide whether we should elope or have a wedding on Friday to her breaking up with me on Sunday because I said I was a little disappointed in how the weekend went when she chose to work on her day off.
The relationship had been perfect before that with never a fight and barely even a disagreement.
5' 10" gorgeous strawberry blonde with QBPD and FA. Took a long time to get over that one.
What about it when the FA has been vulnerable but never getting received, mostly working and engaging but to no avail, towards better functioning people, who lack mental, emotional, communicative and spiritual awareness though? - oh, is FA about inability to be vulnerable and be able to receive? It's not quite me then, competence, Aspergers and individuality mixing into it, then.
Thankyou ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!
do FAs come back after they door slam?
It depends on the person and situation. For me if it was someone who leans anxious then no. I'll be gone forever. If it's someone who leans secure or avoidant then I will possibly be back if I trusted them but generally if they are the one to reach out.
no. for all of you and your behaviours. stop playing in love or taking things for granted.
What do you do if they the door slam has already happened?
How is the pattern different with a INFP FA?
Accurate...
I've always view discarding as abruptly ending the relationship for another new relationship. I know person who I suspect is narcissist. That's their MO with friends. The get new friend and the old friend is completely discarded. They tend to come back months or even years with old friend the repeat it.
Should say, an abrupt end of relationship is not discarding to me. There all kind of reasons for abrupt ending. That are not discarding. So I don't see that as discarding.
@@chrismaxwell1624same. I’ll also say that as a DA I only get into relationships like every few years after an ending. So I don’t leave for someone else
U can prevent it by walking away from a fearful avoidant first
I wish there was a focus on reopening doors that have already been slammed by an FA.
there isn't. why not do right so that doesn't occur. stop playing in love or taking things for granted.
@@dandanut5409this seems to be a genuine question for a problem FAs have in relationships, the focus here was to enlighten the FA so they can work on those things, not to shift blame and justify the behaviour, when you learn more about someones triggers and then want to show up to and grow with them, that's an opportunity for both people to reconnect and feel safe, that's a kind of someone to go out of their way, learn more about someone elses trigger s, enroll in person development and show up differently all to love and support you. No one is able to read peoples minds everyone learns as they go
I'm an FA, and 99% of the time you wouldn't be able to reopen the door once it's closed. Our feelings have changed by that point, generally. It is a very very rare man who can get the door back open, and it all depends on how you treated the FA in general in your 'relationship', prior. If the FA feels you respected them generally and genuinely cared, but have legit reasons for the behaviour you portrayed, that led to them slamming the door, you may be in with a shot, otherwise, I'm sorry
Look at the avoidant boomerang videos. They say sometimes they do come back. There are also some videos on how to get them back. Good luck.
Me, an INFJ and fearful avoidant: 😳
I used to be 30% FA and was once punished and forced to behave like a secure person, to address issues and speak my needs. If i do not do it, i would be given ultimatum by the friend(abandoned or ignored). In order to keep the friendship, I addressed how i felt, the issues and my needs but I was met with defensiveness, deflect and questioning of my needs and wants. I was being linguistic manipulated and gaslighted all these time(thanks for my psychologist for pointing this out). I resulted in doorslam that friend and never look back. This experience left an extremely deep scar that is hard to heal because up till this day im still questioning my own choices and mind. It has hurt my self esteem and confidence too great.
Its okay to doorslam an unhealthy relationship, some things about others we cant fix and we can choose to draw boundary or leave.
@@hspinnovators5516 Yes indeed. I learnt from that experience is that it's okay to be insecure, being insecure can also lead a healthy life and drawing boundary with what I am not capable at the moment rather than trying to give more than that I could when I do not have the capacity to do so. Being emotionally mature is totally totally different from being secure, an insecure person can still be emotionally mature and secure person could still be emotionally immature.
Can’t it be both? Being triggered and having a valid response to the situation? I feel like FA have a very limited view of right and wrong, but sometimes these are issues that should be non negotiable in most relationships. It’s very easy to be manipulated in instances like this, especially if you recognize you have a FA style.
Yes. And she has mentioned this as well.
fearful avoidant INJF here... lol
So am I a DA? No idea
But example.
I worked w women who bodyshamed me and monitored my eating lol.
I left the job immediately when I could and they still come by MY APARTMENT even if I didn’t reach out once?! And ring the doorbell and tried to talk to me which… wtf?
INFJ door slam.
Less vocal fry affectation please.
You’re fr so rude for that. Wtf is wrong with you? Yeah let’s disparage the kind person putting out FREE content to help YOU.
It’s not under her control.
@@kiaral822 I appreciate the free content. Might seem rude to you but I did say please. Why was vocal fry non existent 15 years ago now it's everywhere? Seems like a choice. I could totally be wrong though. Thanks for your feedback. Have a good one
@@stephaniec5215 maybe, I'm not 100% convinced though.
@jdavid118 I don't believe you know what vocal fry is as it was very prevalent 15 years ago. -possibly more so then than now. And this isn't it. What you are perceiving as vocal fry could be many things, including the content creator's natural way of speaking, a physical condition, illness, etc. But it certainly does not present as an affectation as you are stating. Saying please and thank you does not make you right nor polite. Inconsiderate is Inconsiderate. It is also none of your concern how people conduct themselves. You would be better off managing yourself than trying to manage the lives of others.