This video is great. Letting go and realizing you can’t control everything is the hardest thing in the world to do, but the feeling of freedom and the pain going away is like nothing else.
Wanting someone to be held accountable in some way for their actions is absolutely legitimate. When you do things to someone that has long term effects on their emotional and psychological well being, and causes things like depression and hopelessness, and for the father to not see his kids for long stretches or verbally abused and gaslighted over and over again, then it is more than reasonable to want this person, this woman to be held accountable. Someone who causes an overwhelming amount of pain in your life, needs to be held accountable for those actions. In some capacity. Now, spending time trying to make those things happen yourself will not put you in a better place, or cause your own pain to lessen. The best thing to do, is to regain what that person destroyed, and never let them near you again. And if someone wants to know about her and what she was like with you, you tell them. You have to give them the void of you not being around anymore. Men that have experienced relationships with these toxic sort of women all are completely justified in their anger and outrage. Because they were suckered into a relationship and their feelings and desires which were satiated at the beginning, were used against them later when the pathological female was offended that you stood up for yourself. These people need to be punished in some capacity, that's for certain. How that happens is not up to us.
This may be the most helpful interview I’ve seen in the last five years. Rachael thank you so much for posting your discussion with Mr. Horsemon. I look forward to Part 2. PAX
Thanks, Jeffrey. I really appreciate your support and kind words. I am inspired by Steve every time we speak, this was probably the most fun, satisfying and personally helpful interview I've conducted. It's great to be able to share it here. Part 2 is in the editing chambers :)
Hi Jeffrey, it took me awhile, but part 2 of my interviw with Steve Horsmon is finally up if you'd like to check it out! ua-cam.com/video/ToFFvtaZx1w/v-deo.html
The least surprising thing about this is the wife becoming unhappy. They are in a constant state of becoming unhappy. There is no consequences for a woman in divorce. If she didn't keep the kids and she was the one that got visitation how much you want to bet the divorce rate would be like 10%.
Hi Ron, thank you! There is actually another half to this interview which will be coming out soon, it's just in the editing wings. I'll post a notice here when it's ready, and if you have notifications turned on for the channel you should see it too.
Hello Rachael I love watching your videos and it's helping me a-lot to let go. I was the one who initiated the divorce for the reason my wife was having an affair while i am away on deployments the hardest part to accept is that my own daughter was condoning her mom with this affair, it broke me deep! She would not own her faults and still insisting that she was unhappy all this 20 years of being married!
Hi Christian, I'm glad you enjoyed listening to Steve. I just published the second half of this interview if you want to catch the rest - ua-cam.com/video/ToFFvtaZx1w/v-deo.html
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach @Goodguys2Greatmen Much gratitude to you both for this discussion. A huge mental paradigm shift for me. My wife has been battling depression from childhood trauma in addition to being unhappy in the relationship for some years. Both of us have been in individual counseling for the last few months to work through our own issues, but she found the courage to ask for a divorce 7 weeks ago. I hoped we could rebuild the connection we lost in our relationship before it came to that, but I see she's in so much pain and there's too much resentment due to that disconnection. Why hold onto something that is only hurting her and causing so much anxiety in me? Better to remove the pressure and give us a chance to start healing. I will still have her in my life because of our daughter and we both need to be in a good place for her.
It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 💪
You can't control, but you can influence and you can expect that shared values are upheld when you both voluntarily make commitments. Honoring your word is important. Accountability during marriage is to those vows and to the shared vision of your lives together. This is healthy. Having a boundary around what you expect and need is not a form of controlling someone else. When you are divorced with kids, there will still be accountability surrounding Coparenting. Marriage as a form of "happily ever after" is a recent phenomenon. Perhaps these societal pressures create unrealistic expectations for marriage and doom them from the start. It's OK for men to expect that marriage should mean you stay together despite your fluctuations in levels of feeling connected. But I agree men need to accept the fact it is her decision to leave.
Mrs. Sloan first off I want to thank you for your service in helping to support men in their transition from codependency and negativity into freedom and positivity. Thank you for your contribution to the recognition of the struggles that men face in this tough and unforgiving world. As far as how this philosophy has made an impact in my life I have to say it is a work in progress as I have not fully recovered from the devastating loss of my family to separation from the mother of my children. I’m trying to remain very present to the moment and take everything as an opportunity to extract success rather than a hindrance to my own life and the lives of my children. I have been able to take the time to reflect on my own actions and gain wisdom as Mr. Horsmon stated and go more with the flow of life rather than swim against the current. I know that the best has yet to come and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from you and your guests as I am only 31 and I am able to bounce back in a way that some men may find more challenging at later stages of life. As for the mother of my children I am very grateful for having met her, spent time together with her and she gave me the most awesome gifts I could ever ask for which are my children who I adore most. Everything in life runs its course and our relationship was one of those things. I am able to look past the good the bad and the ugly and have faith in what the future holds for me and my family.
@@iamjuancediel Thank you for your kind words and support. And thank you for sharing a little more of your story here. You are able to hold such a balanced and hopeful perspective despite going through a devastating loss. Your gratitude and faith in particular are inspiring. I'm glad that you're here, for your sake and for others - the way you share your experience and your outlook is going to be helpful for many of the men who are watching and engaging in this community.
Great video, the bit about horses really resonates with me, I work with dogs and in this context I see so clearly and compassionately that aggression or unsettled behaviour is almost always seeded by fear. So why do I l struggle to bring into focus that obvious truth with regard to myself and those close to me. ?
This is such an amazing question, Cathy. Thank you for asking it. I would love to hear Steve's response... For now here is mine- I think it's because when you're working with the dogs you're not afraid. You don't feel threatened, so you are safe enough to see their fear and have compassion for their aggression. With yourself or with those close to you, your survival self is likely stepping in and protecting from some perceived threat. Just like the dog or horse can't respond calmly when they are afraid, neither can people. I think that to see clearly and compassionately with ourselves or others we have to first do the work of digging into find the root of our own fear and creating internal safety for the part of us that is afraid.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you both for responding X. Guys this is such an authentic and honest video, I keep rewatching it. Such a good point you make that dogs also don't see with a lot of clarity when they are fearful. Fear is such a physical and compelling emotion. Logic seems to have almost no power over it. Another pearl of wisdom I have learned from working with dogs is the only way to influence a dogs emotions is to change your own. If I can find so much calm and confidence that I have enough for myself and then some left over to share with dog. The dog will eventually notice and I always see the exact moment the dogs ask themselves why is she so flippin calm? why is she so relaxed ? and only after that the dog can start to share my calm and come down with me first down from the agro, then down from from the fear and eventually into their own calm.
@@cathycolless376 I love this last point - I think it works much the same with people too. We can't change their emotions, but we can offer our emotional state as a sort of map for theirs... and if we stay calm and grounded eventually they might realize that its safe to let their guard down too. Now, to actually do this with people 😉!
I did all my best to give her space at the start when she told me she wasn't happy support, calm conversations to understand what is wrong, she slowly got further away so it's not a good way to go about things and then I became a 13yo and did bad things because I felt she wasn't honest and never told me the reason, though I don't understand why she never told me why. It's such a bad way to go about things to destroy such a beatiful thing and part of the future of your children because some words weren't spoken. The end result can be the same but atleast had she told me I could have also told her my side of things that I also felt unconfortable because I was shouldering all the responsability. It wasn't supposed to happen, it's just lack of will that made this outcome.
This is not a video I can relate to. "the harder you tried, the harder she resisted and finally it resulted in a divorce?" so what if you didn't try at all, it will well end up in a divorce? Basically he's saying, you'd be damned if you try to save your marriage, damned if you don't? Are you just saying your divorce is inevitable and therefore you can't do anything about it and just give up, capitulate and just not even bother? That doesn't sound right. "It's supposed to happen?" No, I don't accept that at all. Ok, divorce did happen after the fact but it's not supposed to happen at all.
Everyone is different. Basically it is difficult to live with someone and people change the further you get into a marriage. Little things start bothering you. Hard to speak for everyone seeing everyone has a different situation and different personalities. Today people are pretty hesitant to get married because of crazy expenses if it didn't work out. Usually about 7 years is where a divorce happens seeing people get stressed out at that time but again this doesn't apply to everyone.
There are some things here that make sense, but it completely strikes out on partners are willing to take as much as you'll give and have completely stopped giving anything back. If you stop "keeping the score" in these cases, you'll wake up decades later realized that she's bled you dry and left you for a new host.
Hi Michael Devine, I hear your frustration, and it's a valid concern. In relationships where one partner feels like they are giving everything while receiving little in return, it can be draining, both emotionally and mentally. It’s important to recognize that relationships should be a balance of give and take. When one partner is continually giving without receiving, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. This is especially difficult when you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated. The key is learning to recognize these patterns early on, taking care of your own emotional needs, and setting healthy boundaries. It’s not about keeping score, but about making sure that you're not depleting yourself to the point where you lose your sense of self. If you'd like to explore how to break free from these unhealthy dynamics and regain control of your life and emotions after divorce, I’d like to invite you to join my free masterclass. It offers actionable insights on emotional healing, self-care, and creating a fulfilling life after divorce. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register I hope this provides some clarity and gives you tools to move forward!
There's some great advice in here. Holding others in a high regards even if you sometimes don't believe they deserve it. That's going to be super important in working together with my soon to be ex wife. The one thing I believe is utter nonsense though 'it was suposed to happen'. And trust me, I wish I could believe that but because he's right; that would make moving on much easier. The truth is though, most people on the brink of divorce and deciding to stay together, a few years later they are so happy they did. In our case I believe it is no different. My wife and I have been in the most stressful times of our life probably these last two years, the last few months even more so and exactly at this point she decided to quite. You don't make life decission especially also for others on your worst day. I do not believe that is suposed to happen. We were actually going in the right direction and obviously there's never a 100% guarentee but the odds of us becoming happy with each other again the next few years are huge. All of us; our boys, she and I are all going to suffer in so many ways because of that decission for the rest of our lives. Unnecessary suffering. I think we try to make ourselves feel better by saying it was suposed to happen and everything is as it should be and a lot of other modern day popular lingo. Often this language is used in the presence of selfishness or some form of immoral behaviour both by the one acting and the one acted upon. The first in order to justify his/her own behaviour in order to not feel guilty and ashamed, the latter to justify his/her partners behaviour in order to not feel angry and resentful. Anyone else?
Thanks for watching and commenting. This is a great point you bring up. Upon reading your description, I have to say I agree. That phrase, "It was supposed to happen" can be a way of avoiding dealing with difficult feelings - guilt and shame for one part, anger and resentment for the other. If we can be brave enough to face those difficult emotions, learn from them and process them I think there is a huge potential for healing. Thank you for bringing this up.
I agree. But if the goal is to make your self feel better, but forgiving the unforgivable, then it might be the right blue pill to swallow, if you can stomach it.
It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 🤝
Rachael, next time you do an interview like this , please could you make sure the sound levels between you and your guest are even. Steve is booming out of his mic and in contrast you're coming in rather low on yours. Cheers
It’s not resentment and anger that bothers me about my divorce it’s her inability or unwillingness to own her half and she never did. The woman in this video gets it. His analogy is wrong she is accountable. This guy is wrong.
Thanks for watching and sharing some of your personal experience. A lot of my clients struggle with this too - it's really hard to let it go and move on when she insists on placing all the blame on you and refuses to acknowledge her role. One person can't destroy a marriage, it always involves both parties. It's not a solution, but maybe this will help in some small way - what I love about working with my male clients is the that they take ownership (sometimes too much, taking on blame for things that aren't their fault). I love this because it means they are open to learning, growing and healing. They are easy to work with because they want to change and do better. And so they do - they learn, they grow, they become more self aware... and many of them find that they are able to seek out and enjoy really healthy, happy relationships post divorce because of this personal growth. Your ex wife isn't going to be able to do that. She is going to repeat the same cycles, the same toxic patterns, that you and she played out in your marriage, because she hasn't been able to acknowledge or own her role in them. You have, which means you have an opportunity to experience something different and better in the future. She's just going to keep doing the same crap that broke your marriage down in the first place. Thanks again for watching and commenting. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know the whole "you're the one who is healing and coming out on top" doesn't actually make it easier to take her total lack of personal responsibility.
I'm sorry you're going through this. From what I see with my clients, you're not alone in feeling this way. The first few months can be pretty brutal, and the brain responds in part by narrowing your focus, making it difficult to imagine the future. Do you have a good support system as you go through this? I host a private community for men going through separation or divorce. The guys inside are incredible - really supportive, honest and open about their struggles and they can help you see yourself in the future by showing you what it looks like for them 2 months, 6 months, a year later. You can find the details and join here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce Either way, please do seek some support for yourself. This is an incredibly stressful experience for the human nervous system, and we all benefit from having people in our lives who can help us move through it.
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and honest part of your journey. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it takes great courage to face the reality of the situation. Healing after such a long period can be challenging, but it's important to remember that your story doesn’t define your future. You still have the power to create the life and relationships you desire. If you’re looking for more guidance and strategies to move forward, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass where we dive into ways to overcome fear and build a stronger, more fulfilling future after divorce. You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register Take care, and remember, you're not alone on this path!
I never liked this “no fault” attitude because it goes way beyond divorce. If there’s no accountability for stuff you do outside the scope of law, there’s no accountability for most social actions, including social injustice. The better perspective imo is that we *should* be held accountable for stuff we do to hurt people outside the law. And also acknowledge that yes, we are responsible for the effects even if we are not accountable for it. But accountability is important because righting wrongs is important.
My husband couldn't hold a job alcoholic everything else was fine so why do I feel so guilty he would leave for 2 weeks out of a month losing wedding bands not calling me I was a traditional wife he acts like I should not have filed divorce 9 yrs married I've lived off SSI
It would be nice if people could apologize but usually not the case. It takes a stronger person to apologize and these people have to appreciate that person when they own up to it and can make you vulnerable. Just saying sorry doesn't work plus actions speak louder than words. Difficult conversations is not practiced enough and explaining your boundaries which people need to respect how you feel. Now divorce grief i don't hear on this channel being brought up seeing everyone grieves differently after a divorce and you have to recognize those emotions during the grieving process and there really is no duration of time how long grief is seeing you are mourning the person you once were in the after life and are now a different person. One thing i learned is how people are emotionally immature and don't have emotional intelligence in learning how to calm themselves down.
I’m in w divorce and the only advice i get from people or therapy is… do something nice….. well my life is wo destroyed i don’t have the energy anymore to do something nice
Thanks for watching and commenting. You are not alone in feeling this way. When we go through something this shocking and painful, it has a physical impact on the nervous system. This can literally leave you too exhausted to follow that kind of advice. If that is the case for you, please seek out the support of a Somatic therapist. You can google to find one in your area, or search using "somatic' as a filter on www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists A somatic therapist will help you heal your nervous system so that you can get your energy back.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you. There is so much going on around my divorce. So much drama. I have a feeling of panic all the time. We also have a child
@@jdnrotterdam2150 I understand. The drama, the pain... and then you have a child you're worrying about as well. It is no wonder that your nervous system is feeling overwhelmed and panicky. This video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/br8-qebjIgs/v-deo.html It explains the physiological impacts of a stressful or traumatic event. It is important to deal with the nervous system physically. A somatic therapist is excellent for that. I also teach techniques for working directly with the nervous system in my coaching programs: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce One way or another, getting some support to calm your nervous system will make a huge difference, which will ultimately help your child as well. Thank you for watching, and I hope you're able to reach out and get some support. So much of what you're experiencing can be supported physically.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Exactly. It’s also the fear for what the future will bring. Housing… financial.. partner and child support … Maybe loneliness that will come.. the fear of never feel happiness or stability. I thought we had everything we needed. It’s even so bad we have to stay in the house as a “ family “ at the moment because the housing problems in the Netherlands. And even worst, she had a one night stand and became pregnant from that.
After 27 years caught her cheating she admitted it then said she was only with me for my benefits. And after my ill health last bring open hear surgery that I would never die . That hurt . Divorce is final January 21 2025 .
Thank you for sharing such a raw and painful part of your story. I can’t imagine the depth of hurt you’re feeling, especially after all those years and what you’ve gone through with your health. It’s completely normal to feel a range of emotions, from betrayal to confusion, as you process everything. Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and a life full of joy-don’t let someone else’s actions define your worth. If you're looking for more support and practical tools to heal and move forward with confidence, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass where we dive into strategies for rebuilding your life after divorce and living fearlessly. You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register You are stronger than you realize, and I’m here for you every step of the way.
I learned that you dont stay in sexlesss martiage and do not settle . Marty the one who truly attrwcte you and font go through s checklist. Goneith your heart
I try to reply to all the comments, but honestly I have a huge backlog. I'm catching up on recent ones, but I do have a large number from weeks and months ago I haven't gotten too. My apologies - it has been busy in my world recently! Is there a particular comment or criticism you're hoping I can address?
I can't help but notice the almost smug and condescending characterization of marriage being a complete man-made construct with no real objective reality outside of the human mind and therefore we shouldn't be surprised that it fails so much. And yet, since the methods being espoused on this channel could equally be described as a human construct, it begs the question, why should it be trusted all the same? What about this advice is somehow more real than the grounds for marriage? I heard Steve characterize marriage this way and even Racheal on several videos. I'm interested to know upon what source you ground your beliefs. Is it purely scientific and theoretical? I pick up shades of Stoicism and existentialism mixed in with some modern secular sociology. I want to repudiate the romanticized character that marriage is a necessary choice and will somehow fix all your problems and give your life a structure for your journey in life. No religion or traditional system teaches this mindset and it's a naive straw-man attack. It's like the patriarchal narrative feminists employ that "all a woman needs is a good man to be happy". While Disney or Hollywood once used this trope, it's not a part of any traditional view. Marriage is designed to be the cornerstone of family. It is the oldest of all human practices and has both biological and religious implications. Sorry to vent but didn't appreciate the way the institution of marriage is treated and would like a bit more impartiality for those of us who believe not everything is a human construct.
This guy is giving some bad advice. Don't try to empathise, reconcile, or forgive. SHe filed for devorce. She may as well spit in your face and call you names. If you can't move through the stages of grief, go no contact on her and the kids so you can heal. If you find yourself sounding like this guy, you should go get your Testosterone levels checked. Test is a great way to assist in post-devorce life. Totally gets rid of this 13 year old boy he's talking about.
Hi Dave, thanks for watching. I agree. Stop blaming the man. Stop blaming the woman. If each individual could start to take full personal responsibilty for how they think, feel and act the world would become a paradise overnight! In the meantime, each of us can choose to self govern and take responsibility for ourselves. If you do attempt that within a relationship, with honesty, openness and humility, it does often create a pretty incredible transformation between you and your partner.
To your point of accountability You’re missing something very critical There are absolutely situations where a woman MUST be held accountable I’ll give you one My wife was sporadically violent with kids and thinking she could get me to hit her back She attacked me to. Put all her behaviors on me I had to call police Police removed her from home Rightfully so Then family court listened to and believed her. Lies that I was abusive She told my son the same He went with her Homeless Staying with “ friends “ He’s now with me and knew she lied but was afraid for her Accountability for the destruction off my 13 year old son’s home life And yes She needed to be arrested She attempted to destroy me Abd no I did NOTHING but attempt to manage the unmanageable She still hasn’t been held accountable Criminal Child abuser Spousal abuser Used court and Resources for actual abused women She needs to pay for her crimes One day She’s already lost her son But he’s deeply traumatized Doing very well despite it all
I have no qualms about what you say, but you have no idea about mental illness. The only thing you say that makes any sense is for the non-mentally I'll spouse to understand his powerlessness.
This video is great. Letting go and realizing you can’t control everything is the hardest thing in the world to do, but the feeling of freedom and the pain going away is like nothing else.
Wanting someone to be held accountable in some way for their actions is absolutely legitimate.
When you do things to someone that has long term effects on their emotional and psychological well being, and causes things like depression and hopelessness, and for the father to not see his kids for long stretches or verbally abused and gaslighted over and over again, then it is more than reasonable to want this person, this woman to be held accountable.
Someone who causes an overwhelming amount of pain in your life, needs to be held accountable for those actions. In some capacity.
Now, spending time trying to make those things happen yourself will not put you in a better place, or cause your own pain to lessen.
The best thing to do, is to regain what that person destroyed, and never let them near you again. And if someone wants to know about her and what she was like with you, you tell them.
You have to give them the void of you not being around anymore.
Men that have experienced relationships with these toxic sort of women all are completely justified in their anger and outrage. Because they were suckered into a relationship and their feelings and desires which were satiated at the beginning, were used against them later when the pathological female was offended that you stood up for yourself.
These people need to be punished in some capacity, that's for certain. How that happens is not up to us.
Well said
Very very well said
I agree with you, but can you imagine getting to a place where you no longer care?
This may be the most helpful interview I’ve seen in the last five years. Rachael thank you so much for posting your discussion with Mr. Horsemon. I look forward to Part 2. PAX
Thanks, Jeffrey. I really appreciate your support and kind words. I am inspired by Steve every time we speak, this was probably the most fun, satisfying and personally helpful interview I've conducted. It's great to be able to share it here. Part 2 is in the editing chambers :)
Hi Jeffrey, it took me awhile, but part 2 of my interviw with Steve Horsmon is finally up if you'd like to check it out! ua-cam.com/video/ToFFvtaZx1w/v-deo.html
The least surprising thing about this is the wife becoming unhappy. They are in a constant state of becoming unhappy. There is no consequences for a woman in divorce. If she didn't keep the kids and she was the one that got visitation how much you want to bet the divorce rate would be like 10%.
That was incredible guys lots of people including me now know we are not alone and have answers to didn't didnt know i had THANK YOU GOD BLESS
Wow, the best yet! Yall said it could be an hour long conversation, sounds good to me. I wish he had an audible book. Thank you Rachel
Hi Ron, thank you! There is actually another half to this interview which will be coming out soon, it's just in the editing wings. I'll post a notice here when it's ready, and if you have notifications turned on for the channel you should see it too.
Hello Rachael
I love watching your videos and it's helping me a-lot to let go.
I was the one who initiated the divorce for the reason my wife was having an affair while i am away on deployments the hardest part to accept is that my own daughter was condoning her mom with this affair, it broke me deep!
She would not own her faults and still insisting that she was unhappy all this 20 years of being married!
Bang. dead on. I have felt everything Steve expressed. Still lost. Still trying to figure out who I am. (says the 13 year old boy)
Hi Christian, I'm glad you enjoyed listening to Steve. I just published the second half of this interview if you want to catch the rest - ua-cam.com/video/ToFFvtaZx1w/v-deo.html
2 marriages gone. Tried so hard in both. Both long term. Thanks for making this video. Your story sounds similar to mine.
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach @Goodguys2Greatmen Much gratitude to you both for this discussion. A huge mental paradigm shift for me.
My wife has been battling depression from childhood trauma in addition to being unhappy in the relationship for some years. Both of us have been in individual counseling for the last few months to work through our own issues, but she found the courage to ask for a divorce 7 weeks ago.
I hoped we could rebuild the connection we lost in our relationship before it came to that, but I see she's in so much pain and there's too much resentment due to that disconnection.
Why hold onto something that is only hurting her and causing so much anxiety in me? Better to remove the pressure and give us a chance to start healing. I will still have her in my life because of our daughter and we both need to be in a good place for her.
It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 💪
You can't control, but you can influence and you can expect that shared values are upheld when you both voluntarily make commitments. Honoring your word is important. Accountability during marriage is to those vows and to the shared vision of your lives together. This is healthy. Having a boundary around what you expect and need is not a form of controlling someone else. When you are divorced with kids, there will still be accountability surrounding Coparenting.
Marriage as a form of "happily ever after" is a recent phenomenon. Perhaps these societal pressures create unrealistic expectations for marriage and doom them from the start. It's OK for men to expect that marriage should mean you stay together despite your fluctuations in levels of feeling connected. But I agree men need to accept the fact it is her decision to leave.
Everyone is beholden to their own actions. When people make a choice they are surrendering to the consequences of their actions.
I like this perspective. What has your experience of accepting those consequences yourself been like?
Mrs. Sloan first off I want to thank you for your service in helping to support men in their transition from codependency and negativity into freedom and positivity. Thank you for your contribution to the recognition of the struggles that men face in this tough and unforgiving world. As far as how this philosophy has made an impact in my life I have to say it is a work in progress as I have not fully recovered from the devastating loss of my family to separation from the mother of my children. I’m trying to remain very present to the moment and take everything as an opportunity to extract success rather than a hindrance to my own life and the lives of my children. I have been able to take the time to reflect on my own actions and gain wisdom as Mr. Horsmon stated and go more with the flow of life rather than swim against the current. I know that the best has yet to come and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from you and your guests as I am only 31 and I am able to bounce back in a way that some men may find more challenging at later stages of life. As for the mother of my children I am very grateful for having met her, spent time together with her and she gave me the most awesome gifts I could ever ask for which are my children who I adore most. Everything in life runs its course and our relationship was one of those things. I am able to look past the good the bad and the ugly and have faith in what the future holds for me and my family.
@@iamjuancediel Thank you for your kind words and support. And thank you for sharing a little more of your story here. You are able to hold such a balanced and hopeful perspective despite going through a devastating loss. Your gratitude and faith in particular are inspiring. I'm glad that you're here, for your sake and for others - the way you share your experience and your outlook is going to be helpful for many of the men who are watching and engaging in this community.
Fantastic Interview!
Thanks Tim!
Great video, the bit about horses really resonates with me, I work with dogs and in this context I see so clearly and compassionately that aggression or unsettled behaviour is almost always seeded by fear. So why do I l struggle to bring into focus that obvious truth with regard to myself and those close to me. ?
This is such an amazing question, Cathy. Thank you for asking it. I would love to hear Steve's response...
For now here is mine- I think it's because when you're working with the dogs you're not afraid. You don't feel threatened, so you are safe enough to see their fear and have compassion for their aggression.
With yourself or with those close to you, your survival self is likely stepping in and protecting from some perceived threat. Just like the dog or horse can't respond calmly when they are afraid, neither can people.
I think that to see clearly and compassionately with ourselves or others we have to first do the work of digging into find the root of our own fear and creating internal safety for the part of us that is afraid.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Well, I can't add one thing to that answer. Perfectly said, Racheil!
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you both for responding X.
Guys this is such an authentic and honest video, I keep rewatching it.
Such a good point you make that dogs also don't see with a lot of clarity when they are fearful.
Fear is such a physical and compelling emotion. Logic seems to have almost no power over it.
Another pearl of wisdom I have learned from working with dogs is the only way to influence a dogs emotions is to change your own. If I can find so much calm and confidence that I have enough for myself and then some left over to share with dog. The dog will eventually notice and I always see the exact moment the dogs ask themselves why is she so flippin calm? why is she so relaxed ? and only after that the dog can start to share my calm and come down with me first down from the agro, then down from from the fear and eventually into their own calm.
@@cathycolless376 I love this last point - I think it works much the same with people too. We can't change their emotions, but we can offer our emotional state as a sort of map for theirs... and if we stay calm and grounded eventually they might realize that its safe to let their guard down too. Now, to actually do this with people 😉!
Thanks guys!
I did all my best to give her space at the start when she told me she wasn't happy support, calm conversations to understand what is wrong, she slowly got further away so it's not a good way to go about things and then I became a 13yo and did bad things because I felt she wasn't honest and never told me the reason, though I don't understand why she never told me why.
It's such a bad way to go about things to destroy such a beatiful thing and part of the future of your children because some words weren't spoken.
The end result can be the same but atleast had she told me I could have also told her my side of things that I also felt unconfortable because I was shouldering all the responsability.
It wasn't supposed to happen, it's just lack of will that made this outcome.
This is not a video I can relate to. "the harder you tried, the harder she resisted and finally it resulted in a divorce?" so what if you didn't try at all, it will well end up in a divorce? Basically he's saying, you'd be damned if you try to save your marriage, damned if you don't? Are you just saying your divorce is inevitable and therefore you can't do anything about it and just give up, capitulate and just not even bother? That doesn't sound right. "It's supposed to happen?" No, I don't accept that at all. Ok, divorce did happen after the fact but it's not supposed to happen at all.
Everyone is different. Basically it is difficult to live with someone and people change the further you get into a marriage. Little things start bothering you. Hard to speak for everyone seeing everyone has a different situation and different personalities. Today people are pretty hesitant to get married because of crazy expenses if it didn't work out. Usually about 7 years is where a divorce happens seeing people get stressed out at that time but again this doesn't apply to everyone.
Ummmm STHU please 😊
@@YourLocal_Reyes I don't talk to idiots like you 😂
See it was the opposite for me. That really hit home.
There are some things here that make sense, but it completely strikes out on partners are willing to take as much as you'll give and have completely stopped giving anything back. If you stop "keeping the score" in these cases, you'll wake up decades later realized that she's bled you dry and left you for a new host.
Hi Michael Devine, I hear your frustration, and it's a valid concern. In relationships where one partner feels like they are giving everything while receiving little in return, it can be draining, both emotionally and mentally. It’s important to recognize that relationships should be a balance of give and take. When one partner is continually giving without receiving, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. This is especially difficult when you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated.
The key is learning to recognize these patterns early on, taking care of your own emotional needs, and setting healthy boundaries. It’s not about keeping score, but about making sure that you're not depleting yourself to the point where you lose your sense of self. If you'd like to explore how to break free from these unhealthy dynamics and regain control of your life and emotions after divorce, I’d like to invite you to join my free masterclass. It offers actionable insights on emotional healing, self-care, and creating a fulfilling life after divorce. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
I hope this provides some clarity and gives you tools to move forward!
There's some great advice in here. Holding others in a high regards even if you sometimes don't believe they deserve it. That's going to be super important in working together with my soon to be ex wife.
The one thing I believe is utter nonsense though 'it was suposed to happen'. And trust me, I wish I could believe that but because he's right; that would make moving on much easier. The truth is though, most people on the brink of divorce and deciding to stay together, a few years later they are so happy they did. In our case I believe it is no different. My wife and I have been in the most stressful times of our life probably these last two years, the last few months even more so and exactly at this point she decided to quite. You don't make life decission especially also for others on your worst day. I do not believe that is suposed to happen. We were actually going in the right direction and obviously there's never a 100% guarentee but the odds of us becoming happy with each other again the next few years are huge.
All of us; our boys, she and I are all going to suffer in so many ways because of that decission for the rest of our lives. Unnecessary suffering. I think we try to make ourselves feel better by saying it was suposed to happen and everything is as it should be and a lot of other modern day popular lingo. Often this language is used in the presence of selfishness or some form of immoral behaviour both by the one acting and the one acted upon. The first in order to justify his/her own behaviour in order to not feel guilty and ashamed, the latter to justify his/her partners behaviour in order to not feel angry and resentful.
Anyone else?
Thanks for watching and commenting. This is a great point you bring up.
Upon reading your description, I have to say I agree. That phrase, "It was supposed to happen" can be a way of avoiding dealing with difficult feelings - guilt and shame for one part, anger and resentment for the other.
If we can be brave enough to face those difficult emotions, learn from them and process them I think there is a huge potential for healing.
Thank you for bringing this up.
I agree. But if the goal is to make your self feel better, but forgiving the unforgivable, then it might be the right blue pill to swallow, if you can stomach it.
It can be tough as hell being a single dad... I talk about my own struggles/dealing with child support on my channel if you think it may help you...just to share stories. Keep your head up and fight. 🤝
Rachael, next time you do an interview like this , please could you make sure the sound levels between you and your guest are even. Steve is booming out of his mic and in contrast you're coming in rather low on yours. Cheers
It’s not resentment and anger that bothers me about my divorce it’s her inability or unwillingness to own her half and she never did. The woman in this video gets it. His analogy is wrong she is accountable. This guy is wrong.
Thanks for watching and sharing some of your personal experience. A lot of my clients struggle with this too - it's really hard to let it go and move on when she insists on placing all the blame on you and refuses to acknowledge her role. One person can't destroy a marriage, it always involves both parties.
It's not a solution, but maybe this will help in some small way - what I love about working with my male clients is the that they take ownership (sometimes too much, taking on blame for things that aren't their fault). I love this because it means they are open to learning, growing and healing. They are easy to work with because they want to change and do better. And so they do - they learn, they grow, they become more self aware... and many of them find that they are able to seek out and enjoy really healthy, happy relationships post divorce because of this personal growth.
Your ex wife isn't going to be able to do that. She is going to repeat the same cycles, the same toxic patterns, that you and she played out in your marriage, because she hasn't been able to acknowledge or own her role in them.
You have, which means you have an opportunity to experience something different and better in the future. She's just going to keep doing the same crap that broke your marriage down in the first place.
Thanks again for watching and commenting. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know the whole "you're the one who is healing and coming out on top" doesn't actually make it easier to take her total lack of personal responsibility.
Im 1 month in this divorce fiasco. I cant see myself 1 month from now...
I'm sorry you're going through this. From what I see with my clients, you're not alone in feeling this way. The first few months can be pretty brutal, and the brain responds in part by narrowing your focus, making it difficult to imagine the future.
Do you have a good support system as you go through this?
I host a private community for men going through separation or divorce. The guys inside are incredible - really supportive, honest and open about their struggles and they can help you see yourself in the future by showing you what it looks like for them 2 months, 6 months, a year later.
You can find the details and join here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
Either way, please do seek some support for yourself. This is an incredibly stressful experience for the human nervous system, and we all benefit from having people in our lives who can help us move through it.
We were roommates for 13 years after she left my bedroom. No sex yet I stayed hanging on to hope . It is what it is .
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and honest part of your journey. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it takes great courage to face the reality of the situation. Healing after such a long period can be challenging, but it's important to remember that your story doesn’t define your future. You still have the power to create the life and relationships you desire.
If you’re looking for more guidance and strategies to move forward, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass where we dive into ways to overcome fear and build a stronger, more fulfilling future after divorce.
You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Take care, and remember, you're not alone on this path!
I never liked this “no fault” attitude because it goes way beyond divorce. If there’s no accountability for stuff you do outside the scope of law, there’s no accountability for most social actions, including social injustice.
The better perspective imo is that we *should* be held accountable for stuff we do to hurt people outside the law. And also acknowledge that yes, we are responsible for the effects even if we are not accountable for it. But accountability is important because righting wrongs is important.
My husband couldn't hold a job alcoholic everything else was fine so why do I feel so guilty he would leave for 2 weeks out of a month losing wedding bands not calling me I was a traditional wife he acts like I should not have filed divorce 9 yrs married I've lived off SSI
It would be nice if people could apologize but usually not the case. It takes a stronger person to apologize and these people have to appreciate that person when they own up to it and can make you vulnerable. Just saying sorry doesn't work plus actions speak louder than words. Difficult conversations is not practiced enough and explaining your boundaries which people need to respect how you feel. Now divorce grief i don't hear on this channel being brought up seeing everyone grieves differently after a divorce and you have to recognize those emotions during the grieving process and there really is no duration of time how long grief is seeing you are mourning the person you once were in the after life and are now a different person. One thing i learned is how people are emotionally immature and don't have emotional intelligence in learning how to calm themselves down.
I’m in w divorce and the only advice i get from people or therapy is… do something nice….. well my life is wo destroyed i don’t have the energy anymore to do something nice
Thanks for watching and commenting. You are not alone in feeling this way. When we go through something this shocking and painful, it has a physical impact on the nervous system. This can literally leave you too exhausted to follow that kind of advice. If that is the case for you, please seek out the support of a Somatic therapist. You can google to find one in your area, or search using "somatic' as a filter on www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
A somatic therapist will help you heal your nervous system so that you can get your energy back.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you. There is so much going on around my divorce. So much drama. I have a feeling of panic all the time. We also have a child
@@jdnrotterdam2150 I understand. The drama, the pain... and then you have a child you're worrying about as well. It is no wonder that your nervous system is feeling overwhelmed and panicky. This video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/br8-qebjIgs/v-deo.html
It explains the physiological impacts of a stressful or traumatic event. It is important to deal with the nervous system physically. A somatic therapist is excellent for that. I also teach techniques for working directly with the nervous system in my coaching programs: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
One way or another, getting some support to calm your nervous system will make a huge difference, which will ultimately help your child as well. Thank you for watching, and I hope you're able to reach out and get some support. So much of what you're experiencing can be supported physically.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Exactly. It’s also the fear for what the future will bring. Housing… financial.. partner and child support … Maybe loneliness that will come.. the fear of never feel happiness or stability. I thought we had everything we needed. It’s even so bad we have to stay in the house as a “ family “ at the moment because the housing problems in the Netherlands. And even worst, she had a one night stand and became pregnant from that.
After 27 years caught her cheating she admitted it then said she was only with me for my benefits. And after my ill health last bring open hear surgery that I would never die . That hurt . Divorce is final January 21 2025 .
Thank you for sharing such a raw and painful part of your story. I can’t imagine the depth of hurt you’re feeling, especially after all those years and what you’ve gone through with your health. It’s completely normal to feel a range of emotions, from betrayal to confusion, as you process everything. Remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and a life full of joy-don’t let someone else’s actions define your worth.
If you're looking for more support and practical tools to heal and move forward with confidence, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass where we dive into strategies for rebuilding your life after divorce and living fearlessly.
You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
You are stronger than you realize, and I’m here for you every step of the way.
I learned that you dont stay in sexlesss martiage and do not settle . Marty the one who truly attrwcte you and font go through s checklist. Goneith your heart
If you notice there are only responses to the positive comments by the creator of the video
I try to reply to all the comments, but honestly I have a huge backlog. I'm catching up on recent ones, but I do have a large number from weeks and months ago I haven't gotten too. My apologies - it has been busy in my world recently! Is there a particular comment or criticism you're hoping I can address?
You have to risk for any reward.
I can't help but notice the almost smug and condescending characterization of marriage being a complete man-made construct with no real objective reality outside of the human mind and therefore we shouldn't be surprised that it fails so much. And yet, since the methods being espoused on this channel could equally be described as a human construct, it begs the question, why should it be trusted all the same? What about this advice is somehow more real than the grounds for marriage? I heard Steve characterize marriage this way and even Racheal on several videos. I'm interested to know upon what source you ground your beliefs. Is it purely scientific and theoretical? I pick up shades of Stoicism and existentialism mixed in with some modern secular sociology. I want to repudiate the romanticized character that marriage is a necessary choice and will somehow fix all your problems and give your life a structure for your journey in life. No religion or traditional system teaches this mindset and it's a naive straw-man attack. It's like the patriarchal narrative feminists employ that "all a woman needs is a good man to be happy". While Disney or Hollywood once used this trope, it's not a part of any traditional view. Marriage is designed to be the cornerstone of family. It is the oldest of all human practices and has both biological and religious implications. Sorry to vent but didn't appreciate the way the institution of marriage is treated and would like a bit more impartiality for those of us who believe not everything is a human construct.
This guy is giving some bad advice. Don't try to empathise, reconcile, or forgive. SHe filed for devorce. She may as well spit in your face and call you names. If you can't move through the stages of grief, go no contact on her and the kids so you can heal. If you find yourself sounding like this guy, you should go get your Testosterone levels checked. Test is a great way to assist in post-devorce life. Totally gets rid of this 13 year old boy he's talking about.
This, 100%.
L I K E 👍 👍 👍👍 👍 💯 ❣ 💯 ❣ 💯 😻😻 😻😻
just stop the blaming the man ,
Hi Dave, thanks for watching. I agree. Stop blaming the man. Stop blaming the woman. If each individual could start to take full personal responsibilty for how they think, feel and act the world would become a paradise overnight!
In the meantime, each of us can choose to self govern and take responsibility for ourselves. If you do attempt that within a relationship, with honesty, openness and humility, it does often create a pretty incredible transformation between you and your partner.
To your point of accountability
You’re missing something very critical
There are absolutely situations where a woman MUST be held accountable
I’ll give you one
My wife was sporadically violent with kids and thinking she could get me to hit her back
She attacked me to. Put all her behaviors on me
I had to call police
Police removed her from home
Rightfully so
Then family court listened to and believed her. Lies that I was abusive
She told my son the same
He went with her
Homeless
Staying with “ friends “
He’s now with me and knew she lied but was afraid for her
Accountability for the destruction off my 13 year old son’s home life
And yes
She needed to be arrested
She attempted to destroy me
Abd no I did NOTHING but attempt to manage the unmanageable
She still hasn’t been held accountable
Criminal
Child abuser
Spousal abuser
Used court and Resources for actual abused women
She needs to pay for her crimes
One day
She’s already lost her son
But he’s deeply traumatized
Doing very well despite it all
I totally disagree with most everything this guy said. He comes from the same old places of blame the man.
Blah blah blah.
I have no qualms about what you say, but you have no idea about mental illness. The only thing you say that makes any sense is for the non-mentally I'll spouse to understand his powerlessness.