The Price of Losing (or Keeping) Hurtful People in Your Life
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- Опубліковано 2 тра 2024
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It’s natural to want a loving connection with your own parents. When one or both of them have either abused or neglected you, and they continue to undermine and criticize you, it can be hard to know what to do when the parent who hurt you KEEPS hurting you. Even if you love them - even if you wish you could have a good relationship -- keeping them in your life can make it a LOT harder to heal. And after you go no-contact, and you still feel pain about not seeing them. In this video I respond to a letter from a man whose mother is pushing to reconnect, and he must decide whether to open the door to her.
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Hi Anna
I just listened to another video of yours talking about a 60ish woman who feel abandoned by her younger friends from work.
I can relate a bit to that video and a lot advice applies to me.
Just feel like a miracle to have u uploaded another video this morning.
Glad you are here. Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
I broke contact after 8 years & instantly regretted it. They're still the same nasty, bitter, toxic, soul destroying abusers. I'm nearly 50 now & I give up.
I cut ties with my father but still feeling guilty even though I realise the manipulation and hurtful games would continue forever!
The same with my dad..
Same with my whole family
Guilty. The same with me. But I could survive within the relationship with my family
Stay steady
Same for me
Many don't want to understand that many bad parents do not feel remorse, do not regret what they have done, and won't change for the better because they do not think it's wrong to reject you while they still spoil your brother or sister.
Yup!
Alex's mother is still acting unremorseful. "I don't understand" - yeah, right.
Are there good parents? Where?
I went no contact with my sister and my in laws 10 years ago and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner
Same! I went no contact with my mother 4 years ago (at age 56, I'm now 60), and my sister (who I suspect is also a narc, like my mother), has apparently discarded me since about 2 years ago. I regret not walking away from my abusive, toxic family YEARS ago! I'm still sad that I don't have a family, but that's not my fault, so I can't say I regret it.
I don’t have a family either (both toxic parents are dead) but as I get older and the more years pass in no contact, the less I care or even think about it
I’m also single again and work from home.. I purposely isolate myself and I like it
@@akferren1 I'm already "older" at 60 years old, so perhaps when I'm 80 I won't care or think about the devastation of not having a family.
😂😂😂😂 this comment cracked me up. 😂😂😂😂
I went no-contact with my father 24hrs ago and I haven’t looked back. Sounds like this mom is manipulative and emotionally immature. Sometimes no contact is the best way to go if there is harmful behaviour from the parent. “But they’re your mom, dad whatever” isn’t a good enough reason to stay. You’re a son, and that deserves respect as well. If you have peace without her, then that’s your sign.
I had not spoken to my mother in over 4 years when she passed. I still haven’t shed a tear. 🥺
Good for you ❤❤❤ she doesn't deserve tears
I gave this so much thought. Years ago I was thinking exactly about this, would I regret if I she passed while I had do disconnect. I had an excellent primary care physician at the time who knew about all my health issues (I had serious health problems at the time and my mother was not helping but hurting). my dr just simply said “that would be her problem” in a matter of fact way and even as it was/is hard I knew she was right. Some people are just not able to be good parents.
I went no contact with my narcissistic grandmother then let her back into my life. So of course, my life got destroyed. She passed away a few years later when we were on “good terms”. I regret not staying no contact with her. My life and sanity suffered greatly, and the resentment is a lot to grapple with.
@@JenniferLouise-rd8gk forgivemess is the key.
@@marylouleeman591 No it isn't. Not all people deserve forgiveness!
It doesn't matter if the mom is ready, it matters if Alex is ready. Clearly questioning if they are or not signifies not being ready. Imo, Alex needs to keep away for now, keep healing, get stronger, get that mom armour you will need! Maybe determine a date to revisit this possibility in the future, like 6 months or a year from now. This would be so you could set the mamma drama aside, knowing you didn't reject the idea to return to the relationship. This honours the request made through step dad, aswell as yourself and your needs. This is what loving from a distance is. For now.
Such a good comment, very wise advice, imo! Going no contact can be anything YOU want it to be. It can be forever, it can be temporary/indefinite, and it's ok to not even know right now what you want for sure.
Alex, if you're reading this, I encourage you to take all the time you need to decide what amount of contact, if any, you want with your mother. It's not a on-size-fits-all decision, and what's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.
One can go “No Contact” entirely and engage only when one feels it’s necessary, or one can set and adhere to FIRM boundaries, and set the tone.
After some “healing” on my part, my mother was so toxic to deal with I’d neither answer nor return calls until ready. If at all.
And, if a person does a little work on him or her self, maybe works to raise the level of consciousness - one quickly gets the sense it’s pretty bumpy out there what with all the dysfunction, crazy behavioral dynamics, social media everywhere, the unconsciousness -
It’s a circus out there.
Yes, on the circus. It's also due to the lack of WORK ETHIC and humility to do the work on themselves, and I truly think addictions (hiding) to the phones and devices. It's all so sad and hard :(
As we evolve hopefully too will our kids. That's the goal. The healthy kind of resilience work instead of the traumatic kind.
So true. Only a small percentage of people do any inner work. Had to cut my mother out years ago to protect mental health. These toxic, bitter people never, ever change.
The fact that the mother ignored his presence and talked via other people right next to him is just outright abusive. It's one of the things that makes me contemplate how healthy this closeness was that they had earlier.. To me this sounds like an enmeshing mom rather than a loving mom.
I respect you for reflecting on yourself. I hope you'll get the clearity you need to hold your boundaries in the highest regard, and I suspect that might be a journey 🍀
Do _not_ go to therapy with her. I don't know why Anna isn't clearer about this. She's trying to rope you in in an immature, guilt-tripping way that can only hurt you. You didn't do things wrong, and you didn't overreact. You did the right thing. Trust your gut. It's very hard, but you do know deep down what's right. Don't second-guess that at your own expense.
My experience with my own FOO (family of origin) and going no contact was that I needed about 24 months of grieving (who I wanted them to be/who they have the potential to be) before I began feeling better. I was so deeply in the limerence.
Yeah but dont u feel needy or lonely?
Yes, I have gone through 5 yrs of back n forth. I still keep falling back, but now I know what to expect. I am not emotionally giving my power away. Faced the same limerance, enough of it.
@@monikagin I’m so happy for you! Life is so much easier and more fulfilling when we’re not in that cycle of asking for what we need, being told we did wrong, the guilt for having needs - BLECH!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it’s good to know we’re not alone. I hope you have a joy-full journey, friend! ❤️🌸
this new acronym gives the band name “#FooFighters” a whole new angle
I feel the same way. Every time I get around them I feel like I can't be myself (even if I'm dressed appropriately). They've said so many different things and over the past 27 years I just feel like if they don't understand and accept me by now, they're never going to. It's EXTREMELY difficult to be around them, it's painful, and I feel like I lose a lot of personal growth every time I am/about to interact with them. And as hard as it is, I've started to come to the conclusion that yeah, were related, but we're not really family and I need people in my life that I feel like can actually provide the support I need so I can actually start growing as a person.
Sometimes we need to find a new family. I don't know if you socialize easily, but if you need support with this, I highly recommend Anna's Connection Bootcamp course. It provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm usually okay with socializing as long as I feel "put together" appearance wise. Otherwise, it's nearly impossible because I feel so judged like, "wow what a weird guy." Another issue with family is every time I get around family I feel like I have to hide different aspects of my personality/life goals. It's really hard to do... every time I go see them I feel like I've lost a bit of any personal growth I've had since the last time. They're really uncomfortable to deal with and I'm afraid that I'll never be able to really be myself around them, even once I get things a bit more sorted out.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for the resources, and what you do ❤️
I disconnected from my parents emotionally when I was quite young, due to some abuse I witnessed in front of me at 4 (and beyond). I became that "angry teenager" very early on, and now at 60, I'm still reacting inside with annoyance and resentment but am mature enough to let it go and behave like an adult. It's been a journey! Thanks for this video!
That is so good that you recognize all this and checking your feelings
I'm impressed that Alex is striving for self-awareness and trying to determine if he could've made a better choice in handling this heartbreaking situation. He's not just giving his power away when he's thinking of his options.
I wonder if a good compromise for him right now is to let his mother know he does love her, but that he's not ready to spend time with her yet until they both take more time to self-assess. Perhaps she would work hard to do so if she felt they could then reconcile.
Yes, that's good for him to say and is the truth. I would not expect his mother to change however. In fact, this could aggravate the conversation. Best for him to cut ties even if difficult -- but gradually seems better. Nice that he doesn't want to hurt his mom. For me, underneath, once I understood what my own mom had done to me (erase, neglect, all with a cover of a nice, caring mom) there was a lot of anger. This is why I was always yelling and having meltdowns as a child (undermined, no confidence -- her plan), and really hated her for what she was doing to me. It is definitely easier to let them down gently while we work out our issues (that for the most part they caused and -- who could believe one's own parent would do all this?) It's tough. Sounds like he is on the right track.
~What ive done is i only text/email with my family now~That provides me with a bit of distance, and time to react, think through, and carefully word my response, re-read it again, maybe even wait a bit to send it till im sure~My reactions, are done in private, and i dont have to have the pressure to answer, react or respond to anything if i dont want to~So far its worked~Id be in such grief if i cut them off~
Great strategy I use also. 💪
I do that as well. I feel it works better for me and helps me keep my sanity, without listening to her yelling over the phone, hanging up mid sentence when I disagree, or reminding me when she needs “ammunition” all I’ve done or said since childhood that didn’t match her “preference”.
I went no contact with my two older brothers and my mother 5 years ago. I agreed to move in with our mother 2 years after Dad died. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! I had absolutely no privacy - not even when I was on the toilet, as she would force the door open. I'm on medication for severe facial nerve pain, so at the end of February, while in the middle of one of these severe pain episodes, I was in my bathroom, 2100 miles away from her, and dreamt/hallucinated? that she came into my bathroom and physically attacked me. I live in an RV. The toilet has a foot plunger, Rather then a regular tank toilet.
My foot slipped under the plunger, and I ended up pulling the BOLTED TO THE FLOOR toilet off of the floor, and I broke the tibula and fibula, and now have two metal plates holding my ankle together! I also bruised my face pretty severely, on the SAME SIDE where I have that severe nerve pain Trigeminal Neuralgia. I pray to GOD I never see that woman -- That. EGG DONOR, because that's all she was, EVER! She has said since I was 3 years old, that she's hated my brothers and I, and wished we would die in a house fire. Well, she's burned down the house, because no one talks to each other anymore, and only one at a time will go see her... They can HAVE her!
My family dynamic is really similar, although I'm not trans but I can relate in other ways, and what I've seen in my own life with my own mom is you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I've finally just accepted the reality of our relationship. It's crap and it's always going to be crap, whether my mom is in my life or not.
I can relate! With my mother and my sister, it's totally damned if you do, damned if you don't. I could never, ever do anything "right" by them, I was always made out to be the bad guy, always the one accused of being harsh (because I refused to play their games, and would call them out on their BS).
I'm no contact with both of them, and so I have no family at all anymore. But yeah, once I accepted the reality of it, "it's crap, and always going to be crap", I decided I'd at least have some peace without them in my life.
I have gone no contact with my mom because she continually chooses to be involved with a man who abused my siblings and myself for many years and then my own daughter. I feel tremendous guilt for not listening to my intuition so many years ago. But ultimately I cut contact a few years ago to protect my younger 2 children and myself.
I never cut contact with people until later in life when it became obvious it was a necessity. Other people did that to me because I was queer, it was the mid-70s in Mississippi, and that was devastating to a thirteen-year-old who didn't understand. I thought it was the meanest thing anyone could do to anybody, and I couldn't do it. I thought I was wrong.
My father still cannot understand why I isolate around him. He says, "You've always been a mole" Part of it is autism, part of it is a brain trauma, and part is that I don't want to tell my dream/hopes/ideas to someone who is negative, discouraging and invalidating. He once told me my mother's behavior wasn't that bad - like when she threw a knife between the heads of father and brother? He also said her behavior should have made me a stronger person. 🤔
Hugs and Love to Alex, I feel you. ❤ She should talk about *her feelings* rather than what she said to you. It seems immature. I think you a doing just fine.
Thank you for sharing this, I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Knife 😮😱
I started going no contact with entire fam except my children over 30 yrs ago. I found it hilarious when 2 yrs ago some of my relatives sent me Christmas cards. In my 50s these ppl want me to believe I'm finally important to them. That's a joke to me. After over 50 yrs Im suppose to believe they love me. Yeah right👍👍. I don't think I will ever trust anything my DNA relatives say!!!
I just clearly realized yesterday that the last time I was interacting with my brothers, I felt like I was being emotionally tortured. I told them not to contact me about 15 years ago, and haven't really regretted it, although it would be nice to have family. My one niece and I are still in contact, although Iimitedly so. She, too, is now beginning to recognize the abusiveness within the family.
Does asking for an apologies for past wrongs ever go well? I found out the hard way it usually causes the person at fault to become very defensive and lash out 😢. This happened with my mother after she called me "lazy". I ended up going no contact for two years and now have "low" contact which is going well, but I'll never get that apology 😅.
This is not complicated. It's black and white. The mother repeatedly HURT her child, that wasn't getting her head around things. Life is too short to have people who consistently destroy your peace in your life. What would the mother bring to the authors life? Nothing but drama. It wasn't even the mother who reached out and apologised. The mother, his the step dad, says she still doesn't understand why contact was cut off?! This is not even remotely a good start to rebuild any contact. Period.
I relate to this situation in so many ways. Hey at least my sister did me a favour and made the decision for me. She dumped me via text message 10 years ago saying “ I need to take a break from our relationship until your life is more positive”.
I was in the hospital when I got this text having had my 17th surgery in 3 years.
Sorry psycho sis! And I don’t forgive you for killing my fish over and over for 5 years when we were kids “for personal interest” (she told us this over age 30 when me and my dad kept trying to figure out why the fish would be “jumping” out of the aquarium. For 5 YEARS!!! that is some intense interest hence I call her psycho. She’s that or something close and maybe it’s a blessing she dumped me cos I was too sick/not positive 🙄
sorry if the subject matter is a bit harsh but point is some people are not worth keeping in your life blood or not
Never go to therapy with a narcissist
One thing that I see that you need to look out for. He wants you to go back in contact with her. It could be (just could - I do not know the people) that your mom is driving him mad because of that situation. And hence she is driving him mad - he wants a relief for himself.
Your journey is your journey.
If you are not ready - give yourself time.
You do not have to do anything because someone is having problems with someone else.
And yes.
I went no contact 4y ago.. and you always question yourself.
But if your situation is like the one that I have (and it does look a bit like it) this is them pushing what they want - not what is good for your mental health
Hi everyone, hi fairy
If you’re still self-gaslighting (rewriting history) - then you’re absolutely not ready to remove no contact!
I broke no-contact with a sibling yesterday. It went way better than I expected. I’m (we’re) glad I did.
I can relate how he feels being a high functioning Traumatic Brain Injury -(TBI) survivor....
Appreciate your channel so much. Much love to you Alex ❤
I just wanted to say you look really great in bright colours, but also I really like the black with red lipstick. Very flattering.
Thank you Anna for examining all the nuances of a parent's abusive behaviour. Speaking for myself and your other viewers, we are all people who are self-aware, working on ourselves and trying to be better people to somehow fit into a family system that continually rejects us. Yet when your parent has NPD and borderline tendencies, they engage in splitting, aka. black and white thinking. I've seen this firsthand. So either we're all good. Or all bad. The abusive parent never struggles or questions their own behaviour. It's very damaging.
Thank you for watching and sharing your insight with us.
Nika@TeamFairy
My ma is getting very aggressive and insulting. I suspect dementia. I just sent her the steps for preparing for dementia given to me by a doctor. I listed her symptoms, and wished her to find peace with my stepdad. I am prepared to be cut out.
So sorry to hear that's the case for your mom. It's never easy to cut off family and that's no exception. Wish you and your family peace and healing and comfort. 🫂
WHY DON'T YOU HELP HER, IT IS A DAMN DISEASE. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HER!
@deewillis2409 your screaming guilt trip here is completely inappropriate.
It sounds like she was messed up way before he came out. Run. And never look back.
What's really sad about it all is that a relatively few years of neglected childhood can ruin your entire life due to CPTSD
😢
But healing is possible and every year of life counts. The Daily Practice (a free course) can be a good first step to healing: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice. Give it a try if you haven't already!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@peaceforyou-ag ❤️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much for your kind reply and your stellar work! I'll follow your advice
That is just the kind of self-doubt that some of these moms love to create within us. I am so glad I could finally stop buying into their BS (whole fam). Ganging up, loving to pick on one and keep them pitiful. Sick. When I hear Anna say she might be a "tender soul" it makes me want to hit the roof!! That was part of my mom's cover.
Stepdad translated: “Can you come back so you can cop it instead of me again?”
I think it's not ok for the stepdad (or the mom through him) to expect an apology, at least not if one isn't going to be offered in turn, if the person writing here is expected to take the whole responsiblity for the conflict then it's not going to work out. Maybe an interaction that is low-key, perhaps in a public place, to within reason limit the extreme reactions from either side, but no pretending as if nothing happened.
Sounds familiar. Were you raised to be a daughter that will stay with her, while all the other kids had left to live their lives (but you aren't allowed)? That stonewalling after you deciding for yourself is also familiar. And arranging others to tell you what to do.
I agree with very small steps, and be ready to step back.
Now I'm wondering if c-ptsd can mimic autism
Read "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker
Very timely for me... I am hoping to heal whatever rift there is between my son and I... I am willing to own my past behaviours, have been doing the work to gain insight into my own upbringing and behaviours... I am not sure how to reach out and break the silence he imposes on the relationship potential I believe we have... I have apologised and remain open to all possibilities, and the stress of this is literally killing me, slowly...
This is hitting home for me. I’m going to have to listen to this a couple of times- how do I let them know their toxic behavior wares on me when they are too shamed or trauma bonded to acknowledge what I’m saying?
Sorry to say this, I have tried many ways, but people with toxic behaviour become defensive & blame-shift.
STEPDAD 5:42 is trying to GET HER OFF HIS OWN back
What about the reverse? With the parents have mellowed in their old age and are nice now. But the adult child remains scared and distant and guarded and hurt.
The "Drama Queen". Ughh, my mother was the ultimate Drama Queen.
I only discovered your channel a few days ago and loving it, appreciate your unique perspective, so helpful. And, I can’t shake the feeling that you look like Taylor Swift, in the future! 💛
Welcome to the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Why would dad be used as a transporter for mom if mom wants to communicate use tht phone
👍
I feel for the Mother in the fact her child changed their sex. I think more thought needs to be given to the feeling of how it effects the Mother. Not that the child should always please their Mother. But changing your idenity does effect others.
I agree. Birthing a daughter who now tells you they are your son, and you must agree and go along with their newfound identity is disorienting and traumatic in its own right.
No one is saying the mom isn't allowed to have a reaction, just that the child shouldn't have to indulge the accusation that a change on their own life for their own good equates an attack on the mother. It's about the mothers capacity of managing her own emotions.
I think there's a level of trauma on the mother's part here that's being ignored. She thought she raised a daughter. Seems to me their problems go way deeper. For a child to suddenly announce to a parent that they want to change sexes is huge. The child needs to take responsibility for their own decision. Mom's heartbroken. Very sad all around.
imo, the mother crossed a line saying "you murdered my daughter" and continuing to misgender their child years after the child made it clear this bothered them. That's some abusive shit. Not understanding it is one thing. Undermining your child's reality is a whole other kind of evil, regardless of what the mother has been through.
I think you're downplaying the "you murdered my daughter" bit. That's some abusive shit to say to your child. The way that the mother is going about reaching out to her child through the stepdad is also extremely manipulative. Huge red flag. Alex if you read this, I'm sorry you're going through this. But you made your boundaries clear and your mother isn't respecting them. Even though it's hard, you are only going to emotionally suffer if she doesn't respect your boundaries or your identity. Your stepfather saying you "need" to talk to her is just manipulation. You did talk to her when you made your boundaries clear. The fact is that you are transgender and that's not going to change. Your mother refusing to accept that and casually misgendering you after you made it clear that bothers you is just abusing you. Ultimately you know your own situation best but don't let her gaslight you into thinking you did anything wrong when she is the one not respecting your identity! That's so important!
I’m sorry but nobody talks about the family /mothers who feel the child they had is dead and the grief mothers feel seeing their child and watching them morph into someone else they don’t know. Imagine their pain and how or if it’s expressed the family/ parent becomes the toxic one. It’s not emotionally immature feeling that way . Unless you know , you know.
We certainly talk about it here.
Nobody is denying the validity of that pain, what would be immature is how that emotion is expressed. A child doesn't deserve to be hurt in turn when their decisions about their own life aren't made for the purpose of hurting their mother. Not everything that is good for the child is going to feel good for the mother, the pain is real but it doesn't have to eclipse the whole relationship. Everyone changes and thats why relationships require effort, when you care about someone it's not fair to let your expectations for them obstruct their happiness, and thats an empathy that can go both ways, from the changing child towards the pain of their mother as much as from her towards the person they always knew they'd have to set free.
Your child is always going to be the same beautiful soul no matter what. ✌❤🧡💛💚💙💜💟
It's no one's fault but your own to be so attached to an image of what you think your child is. The parent is free to get therapy to help them process but they aren't free to be abusive.
Having children is such a potential nightmare for parents dealing with trauma because they’ll never understand and you’ll always be demonized 🫠
You're supposed to do the work of dealing with your trauma before you have kids or before it affects them.