It’s amazing when someone actually takes the time to really LISTEN. It’s wonderful being with my friends who do that, my boyfriend is totally incapable of listening/hearing me. He doesn’t do ANY of her list when we talk. It’s very sad 😞
@@a247pms The sad thing is that he could learn how, it's not rocket science, but most of us men just go meh, it doesn't come naturally. John Gray's Mars/Venus covers listening really well.
Everyone sees the world in there own way. Some are blinded by materialistic things, some are more appreciative of friends, family, loved ones, etc. I couldn't agree more, one of the best skills for anyone to home would have to be listening!
@@a247pms your could have a conversation about conversations. There are techniques to help this: like everyone talks for a certain amount of time and the other one listens. 5 minutes can be very long!
Andpfeff yes- we have tried numerous ‘techniques’, The Gotman’s 5 minutes/1 topic, the Answer, Answer, Question. The 30 seconds each.... ugh. That’s not communicating. I’ve never had to have SO many rules and limitations on connecting, communicating, loving in my life. After years of struggling and him with a diagnosis of HFA (Aspergers/High Functioning Autism) and NOT willing to embrace/accept it- learn about it, grow from it, see how HE can grow and improve. I’m exhausted in being the only one working overtime 24/7 to try to make our relationship work. It’s not worth it. I ended it, it’s dysfunctional, degrading, demeaning, he is abusive, narcissistic, unfaithful, untruthful, and totally NOT worth it.
@@aimeenicolebambi9499 My teacher didn't like me and he knew i didn't like learning school stuff(that's kinda the reason he didn't like me i guess), so he always asked questions from me to either force me to learn the bs or make me look stupid in front of the class. I chose the second one and i just constantly answered him "i don't know", he was sometimes even making fun of me because of that. sadlife.
na-uh.. introverts shouldn't generally have a problem w/communication. Anti-social people, or shy people are different. Introverts do not like to waste time on words they don't need to say in the first place. That's how they're minds are, either to conserve energy or they've already allocated it to something that they must get done. If they have trouble expressing themselves, that's not introversion. I think you meant socially awkward people, they may feel things more (empath), but having a limited speech approach is a socialization limitation for them. Not introversion. If they want* to learn how to engage/and speak in whole conversations, it's not introversion.
I've frequently re-watched this video dozens of times over the last 4-5 years and it's actually changed my social life completely. I used to struggle to be able to hold a conversation with anyone, now after practicing and utilizing these skills i'm literally able to have a fun conversation with anyone while smiling and laughing.
Would you like to share some of the things that you actually started doing in order to improve your communications. I generally struggle with starting a conversation as mostly I am scared to do that, as I feel i would make a complete idiot out of myself.
There was this quote i once read on internet that said, *"Don't be Interesting. Be Interested."* and I think this is one of the best RULES to have a Better Conversation.
Shame about her ripping off a very old quote that goes "A good speech is like a woman's skirt; short enough to be interesting, and long enough to cover the vital parts". Unless her sister is from the other corner of the world and is a man, I first heard this quote at least 20 years ago and it was not by any means new even then
@@bornforbanning well she might not have known that and genuinely thought it came from her sister; and maybe her sister didn't even know, but yeah I guess she should've looked that up beforehand
@@bornforbanning why can't a good quote that is pertinent and to the point still be used when appropriate. This thinking would make us lose much wisdom and riches that abound in literature, famous speeches, and folklore.
Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation:- 1. Don't multitask- Be in present with mind 2. Don't pontificate- Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Don't just try to get your point across. Everybody is an expert in something. 3. Use open ended questions- Who, what, when, where, why and how. 4. Go with the flow- Thoughts will come into your mind and go out of your mind. Let them go. Don't think for two minutes about a clever question to ask. 5. If you don't know say that you don't know. 6. Don't equate your experience with theirs- It is never the same. It's not about you. Don't take that moment. Conversations are not a promotional opportunity. 7. Try not to repeat yourself. 8. Stay out of the weeds- People don't care about the years, the names, the dates all those details that you are struggling to come up with in your mind. They care about you. 9. Listen- Buddha said: If your mouth is open you're not learning. And Calvin Coolidge said: No man ever listened his way out of a job. We don't listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply. 10. Be brief- A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. THANKS ME LATER ❤️
This ted talk’s effect was drastic in my life, it made me come out of my shell more, hold much longer conversations with people and feel more confident about my interactions. Thank you so much
Summary: 1. Don’t multitask - be present with mind. 2. Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Don’t just try to get your point across. Everybody is an expert in some thing. 3. Use open ended questions. Who what when where why how. 4. Go with the flow. Thoughts will come into your mind and go out of your mind. Let them go. Don’t think for two minutes about a clever question to ask. 5. If you don’t know say that you don’t know. 6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. It is never the same. It’s not about you. Don’t take that moment. Conversations are not A promotional opportunity. 7. Try not to repeat yourself. 8. Stay out of the weeds. People don’t care about the years the names The dates all those details. 9. Listen. Buddha: if your mouth is open you’re not learning. Calvin Coolidge: no man ever listened his way out of a job. We don’t listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply. 10. Be brief. A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
Thank you! The publisher is limiting exposition by not having this list (with timing) in the prefix to this blog! 1. 4:28, 2. 4:50, 3. 6:00, 4. 6:40, 5. 7:25, 6. 7:46, 7. 8:28, 8. 8:46, 9. 9:08, 10. 10:27
@@you2tooyou2too The point is: learn to converse with others by honing your listening skills. Do you want to learn and enhance your conversation skills or be spoonfed? Self improvement comes from motivated engagement not from being spoonfed.
Intrigued heart You are willing to change to see if things will improve... wonderful ! Many people would rather keep blaming others than to try something different ! Kudos to you ! 🧡🌞
I’m an only child and my parents were the only child for their parents. You can imagine it sucked not having cousins to tease. So I too struggle with social skills like having a fulfilling conversation. I often listen to these talks to help myself with that.
Osama Gamal It means that a conversation shouldn't be so long that the person loses interest,but neither so short that you don't actually include the important stuff...
Was expecting the worst on this one. Turned out the title was literal and honest. I have seen so many similar titles that misuse words like "Conversation" that I have grown a tad jaded. That was actual good advice and well presented.
I would definitely emphasise important. I watch TED talks for many different reasons and for the most part thoroughly enjoy them, but this one has hit me harder than the rest. This was powerful learning for me.
Prodby JKnock Thank you. I was searching trough the comments hoping to find at least one who realised the importance of what she says.. almost gave up already..
crazy! I actually decided that one of my changing resolutions was to be a better listener and you wouldn't believe how much my life has improved just by doing that. I don't interrupt, I don't say a word, I pay attention, and I let the speaker finish before I add something. Conversations went from 0 to 100 in like a week.
+Nicole O. Hi Nicole. I'm not sure about your statemnet. We can listen many good talks, but it does not make us better than before. One thing is listening, another one is putting it to practice. The drinker and alcoholic person knows that his addiction is a bad thing which leads to destroy his life. That person knows it so much better than the sober-minded person who doesn't get drunk... but he doesn't stop it because he is a slave of it, and he is a slave of it because he loves it. The same thing with everything... for that reason and more I do not think that listening Ted talks may fix anything. Hearts who love the good and right, are the necessary thing to put it to practice, only then we will see some changes... But the problem is that the people love themselves more than they love to others, the problem is rooted in our hearts.
Carolyn Cunningham I agree, but don’t forget that not everyone who writes in English on the Internet is a native speaker, and not all non-native speakers have had the opportunity of being taught English in a proper way
The best nutshell explanation I've ever heard about listening is: "To listen to what the other person is saying with the willingness to be changed by what we hear."
5:24 "you need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn" and 7:07 (Go with the flow) "and he was just bound and determined to say that". 10:20 "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply" Very nice !!
For Those Who Are Visual Learners: Rules (1-10) 1. Don't Multi-task, Be Present. Focus on that Conversation. 2. Don't Pontificate. Don't state your hard opinion unless it carries on the conversation. (I think) 3. Enter every conservation assuming you have something to learn and use who what when where and why. Let the other one describe the situation 4. Don't stop listening. Let thoughts ebb and flow continue focusing on the conservation. 5. Admit to not knowing something. Air on the side of caution, don;t pretend to be an expert. 6. Don't assume your experiences are their experiences All experiences are unique. 7. Don't repeat yourself. 8. Details don't matter, leave them out. 9. LISTEN. Resist the urge to talk, and avoid being distracted by random thoughts. 10. Be Brief Be Interested..... Assume everyone has some crazy thing about them....
For anyone interested, here's the list of her advice : 1. Don’t multitask 2. Don’t pontificate 3. Use open ended questions 4. Go with the flow 5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know 6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs 7. Don’t repeat yourself 8. Don’t go into the details (names, number, dates…) 9. Listen 10. Be brief
The real problem is whoever has clicked this video is already willing to talk and listen, but those who are not, they just skipped this video. Those are the ones that need this lesson.
I do not agree with the point of being brief. Setting a time for conversation is a mistake, there will be short topics and other long ones, it depends on the context and how interested the person is in listening to it.
@@urmur Yes, but I can listen to hours for my friend and then she for me without interrupting. That would be a monologue? No, because I listen to it and I sit dow
I love thisss...my #1 love language is QUALITY time. So when I'm talking to someone and they seem distracted..look on their phone..or don't seem interested..or aren't good listeners..it makes me super sad. I love when people genuinely care about what your sharing
I think this lady did an EXCELLENT job at communicating this. A lot of people need to see this video because they seriously need to learn how to communicate better. I think the worst thing I've experienced was someone texting at the same time I'm talking to them in person. That is the rudest damn thing anyone could do. But a lot of people do that, not just to me, but to others as well. It's so rude and people find it socially acceptable. Such nonsense.
One friend always had time to speak with people when they called her - when I called her she always was busy and said 'I'll call you back.' That was ok until I realized that when with me, she NEVER told the caller that she would call them back - and then be there for me/us. I told her ... and she did not like that I was "too sensitive." I told her I would give her 3 chances to respect me. When we went out for lunch, she was on her phone again - and I finished my lunch while speaking with people at the next table. When I finished, I said goodbye to the other people, and then she was hanging up and I said that I was leaving and chose to no longer be her friend. That was that. Years later, I called her to let her know mutual friend/acquaintance had died. After the funeral, she emailed me and asked if I wanted to be friends again. I asked her if she was going to change re: her telephone when with me. She said 'no' - and I said 'then I cannot be with you.' That was that. I *did* learn from this video (which I found by mistake) and now will watch what I do when with others. M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled saved my life and my husband's - and I'll always remember when Scottie and I had a 1+ hours personal conversation. Wow!
For reals, most people just lack of listening skills and patience to just talk & communicate with others physically. And I'm also talking about my (girl)friends who are on their f*cking phones most of the time.
"There is no reason to learn that you are paying attention if in fact, you are actually paying attention." Probably the absolute, #1 best thing I have heard in a long time. Like a reeaalllyyy long time.
This was the best “Ted’s Talks” I have ever heard - wonderful job! I’m going to have my husband AND kids listen to it as they almost always have technology in their hands…and in mine! I’ve worked with my kids on having a conversation but not in a very long time. This was just great - especially at this time.
+8Sigurd Hey binky, me namoe izz laic da kraesee kuul kid, an eye izz laic soopir grate atte da staff. Yeu shud laic beey mai munckee an lik mie wee wee pleezz.
Celeste's talk has changed my life! I am a full time investigator and her excellent insights into the human interaction that occurs during a conversation has had an incredible impact in every aspect of my life...EVERYONE is an expert in something-even if it's only themselves...!
I do not agree on point 10 of being brief, there is no time to put the conversation, depending on the topic it will be one time or another. Who explains this to me
@@esterlopez4285 I think she means, don't wear out your audience trying to add details that aren't that useful when conversation is primarily about creating a flow of understanding and communication, not a precise delineation of past events etc.
The most important thing to me is if I wake up tomorrow morning the rest is just nonsense and by the way forget about the virus it's fake you got that?*good good good more good now shut up see you
I see the issue with focusing on the replying rather than understanding, but I'm not sure if I want to change my approach to conversions accordingly. Having nothing to reply and hearing the deafening silence of a conversion coming to a halt is not particularly pleasant. I generally think of conversations as a musical improvisation or a game. The point is to create a meaningful aesthetically pleasing experience-piece by borrowing material form your counterpart, invoking interesting ideas yourself and chaining everything together in the most coherent and logical way you can. It doesn't really matter to me if some of my thoughts and ideas I brought up get lost in a translation, if we both get out of it pleased and content for having engaged with each other in a manner that was most comfortable and fun for both of us. That's why I don't see a strong enough argument here for abandoning a perfectly good comeback I would've thought of while listening to a person. If it fits the tone and the "narrative" and allows us both to propagate our chat further it would be shame to waste it, just because I'm too focused on the rest of the details in a preceding phrase.
@Oscar Simansky this is exactly what I was thinking😂 I actually like to show some reactions it’s just natural for me and it keeps the conversation heated lol
"Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn." "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand-- we listen with the intent to reply." "Be interested in other people." "Be prepared to be amazed."
The part about replying hit home...thats my daily life. She's not listening, she's fabricating a reply/denial/argument as I speak. And yes, my marriage is in deep trouble, and she refuses to believe that.
I feel like something she neglected to touch on, and that teens especially struggle with a lot, is that you should not rely on others opinions or others responses too much. Listen to the right people and avoid being swayed by those who are trying to force a change that's not to improve you . Have the ability to listen well enough to interpret what is worthwhile to take in. Don't push your opinion, but hold by it well enough to discuss it with someone
This has been my big problem until recently. I've always tried to be open minded which resulted in me really considering every critique i got, no matter what it was. I have come to realize that this is a horrible thing to do. It got so far that i never listened to myself anymore. Was always trying to be a better person based on what others thought i needed to be. I know I'm a good person, so why shouldn't i be able to listen and believe in myself?
Arne very True Arne, People will keep talking... how ever small your little voice seems in your head, it is a very important one indeed It’s the only one that truly knows what you’ve been through and all your experiences and what qualities you like having
This has got to be one of my favorite Ted Talks. Celeste is straight forward and relatable. I found this very refreshing and inspiring. "A setting aside of oneself and sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinions" - If people actually did this instead of throwing their opinions around they might just learn and grow as a person.
Let's keep it short , concise and crisp TED never dissapoints my day even 10 minutes. Always helping us to take one step forward to our next day. Something that I call the most productive days, all hearthy thanks to TED and to the scholars for educating us
I actually like to hear people share their experiences as I share mine. Sometimes, it's relieving to know I'm not alone. I don't see it as a promotional opportunity, but I understand her point. Don't steal the conversation away from someone and make it about you. Great video!
Cat Janisko | The Confidence CEO I’m mainly scared of starting the conversation and making sure that it lasts…there’s always something about dead air that scares me
@@michaelaong1174 You're not alone, my friend! Always remember that silence is, often, a big revealer in conversation! Sometimes, the silence forces the person on the other side to talk even more. It's happened to me more times than I can count, and it's pretty magical once you can embrace it. It's not easy to accept silence, but it works! ❤️
1: Be 100% present in the moment - Don't worry about what you did yesterday or what you'll be doing tomorrow 2: Enter a conversation ready to learn something new - Be modest, and let go of your biases and opinions 3: Use open ended questions - Who, What, When, Where, Why. Give people the opportunity to describe and explain their answer. 4: Go with the flow - Let the conversation flow naturally like a river, don't try to redirect the current anywhere else but downstream 5: If you don't know, then say so - Don't pretend you know what you're talking about when you really don't 6: Don't make a conversation about yourself - Take the opportunity to listen to the speaker and learn about their experiences, don't hijack the conversation 7: Don't repeat the same phrase over and over again - Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome each time 8: Leave out boring details - Unless you're making a Wikipedia article, no one cares about the tiny details 9: Listen - It takes effort to actually and effectively listen, but strive to actually understand what someone is talking about 10: Be brief
As an introvert, I feel the urge to always give my opinion in a conversation. In most (or all) cases, they're quite long. I really want people to know that I'm listening, and that, even I'm younger than them, I have an interesting opinion, and that I'm not an airhead. But I think the most valuable point for me is "Don't Pontificate". Actually, I've been practicing on this point, giving myself the restriction of "only respond if your're asked directly". Great talk!!!!
I'll try not to pontificate. Instead, I'll talk about my feelings. Like the ecstasy I felt when Donald Trump was elected in 2016, before I wandered outside to howl at the moon and beat my chest.
Another important rule, especially for teenagers, that often stays unsaid is to be confident. The truth is that if you would act like you aren't worth anything people might believe it. I have been a very polite listener for a long time but it never worked, because i wasn't respecting myself Even if you feel like you are nothing, you have to remain confident, it is the key to good conversation
I feel like a good middle ground, is to not degrade yourself/insult yourself, but also to not compliment yourself also. This shows that you are confident but also not full of ego or arrogance. And if people dont like you, then thats ok. move on and find people who like you for you.
In addition, most people are drawn to confident people and it will make you seem much more interesting! And i dont mean be obnoxious or over the top, but hold your head high, don't slouch if u can help it, and DON'T put yourself down even if it's to make the other person feel better about themselves. It makes you look insecure and self centered (trust me, they're not the same thing). Also, try not to fidget if you can help it. I have autism, adhd, and anxiety, i truly do understand how hard it can be, but it really does help especially if the person you're talking to gets distracted easily. If you're fidgeting, they'll be paying more attention to your foot tapping or you squirming around than what you have to say.
just another human This!! Studying people's physically and verbal behaviors in relation to confidence has helped me so much. It genuinely pays off to fake it til you make it in these cases. It'll come naturally eventually, and even if you aren't feeling particularly confident on a certain day you'll still APPEAR confident and your brief insecurity won't hinder the conversation from carrying on like normal. It's okay to feel insecure and to talk about it to people but when you're in, say, a meeting for work or something similar it's best to act calm and collected even if you aren't
Cheers for the Video! Excuse me for butting in, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you heard the talk about - Chireetler Kettlebell Miracle Rule (should be on google have a look)? It is a smashing exclusive product for learning some amazing kettlebell challenge workouts minus the normal expense. Ive heard some amazing things about it and my work buddy at very last got cool results with it.
She forgot one of the most important in my opinion: Be you. Don't pretend to agree, and don't hide something inpirtant to you because you think the other person won't accept you for who you are. This might seem obvious, but a lot of people (including me a year ago) don't know this.
Except you have social anxiety. Then a great tip would be: _Don't be yourself_ . Pretend to be another person(, maybe even the most ideal version of yourself) and then you might be able to continue a conversation.
Be you, yes. But reveal yourself slowly - remember your right to privacy. Consider the power dynamic. Use caution. Some people use info to hurt. Healthy intimacy takes time. 🌞
this does not seem like good advice in a lot of cases, hiding something important due to fear of rejection is not 'not being yourself' its a matter of comfort zones and sensing your environment.
From a former TV/radio host myself, Celeste does an excellent job explaining the ins and outs of healthy communication in the world we live today. Listening is absolutely KEY! 🔑♥️
Every now now and then, I kind of feel the need to come back to this talk and get reminded of those words. They are extremely powerful and they definitely changed how I engage with people. The best 11 inspirational minutes ever. Go read her book right away.
putting times to the conversation is a mistake, there will be topics that are short and others long, it depends on the context and how interested the person is in listening to it.
Love this, I thought she was gonna say another quote, which I live by "be interested and you will come across as interesting". That quote has really squashed all anxiety I felt when going into a conversation.... Especially around replying when your mind is going *say something interesting, say something funny* before the person had even finished talking and you've zoned out on half of what they said... If you're interested in what they're saying or yoi try your hardest to be interested and you listen and it will come naturally
Great advice. I can totally relate to this - I think in just this way during conversations - that I have to think of something interesting or funny in reply.
Had a full conversation with my 13yr old daughter's sleep over friend at 9.30pm last night while my wife dealt with my daughter in our closed bedroom it went on for 30 mins and I listened more than I spoke and it was a revelation. Celeste's thought's gave me a lot of help.
@@echoday8376 I agree with you that having someone relate to your experience is sometimes a nice thing and can really help to connect. It should be done in a way that the focus is still on the experience the other one is talking about and you literally tell them: "it probably isn't the same as what you experienced, but maybe you can relate...". That way I feel you are giving the other person the feeling they are being understood and can continue on talking about it with you because you shared something similar.
@@echoday8376 Yeah i don't really agree with this one. Not by saying something similar has happened to you taht you're automatically stealing it from them. It's all in the way you do it!
The way the speaker delivered her messages was effective. She uses her *hand gestures* that are so linked with her speeches, it also increases the impact when she say something important. The *tone of her voice* is friendly yet informative. Her style is she *gaves uncomplicated examples* so that its easily understand. #Principlesofcommunication
Crustation fish the one i have always been told this by my history teacher this, “you have one mouth and two ears for a reason, to listen twice as much as you speak”
It’s paramount to actively listen and seek to understand when someone is talking to you. I agree with the speaker that most of us does not have intent to understand rather all we do is to reply in a conversation. We need to allow someone to reveal his or her emotions when having a conversation. Truly, the most beautiful thing to give to someone talking is to listen.
Wow. One of the best TED talks I've ever heard. Concise and entertaining with real steps that I plan to apply it to better my life immediately. I learned a lot that I need to practice.
6 років тому+4
I just wanted to say that I've watched this video over a year ago, and I don't think I've thanked you for the things you've said here. I really believe that this video has helped me change as a person for the better. Entering any kind of discussion while being open to the possibility that I might be wrong has improved my quality of life in a huge manner. I always recommend this to a lot of ppl, but, unfortunately and ironicaly, they usually don't "listen".
I see that people "talk" by mostly doing this...hit a "thumbs up" button. Too funny! Look at the number of readers that agree with your comment .....but don't add a single word, much less a sentence, which still can't express a thought provoking point. Oops!....I better stop writing, since my rebuttal is already getting too lengthy.
i must say, that 8 years i heard this ted talk when i was 15 years old, but for some reason this simple 11 minutes video definitely effected my life in such a positive way, i cant even explain. i heard it once but it felt like it got printed on my brain, so often i would go back and think about it, and practice it. i still have long way to go in comunication, but i practice this daily, opened a lot of interesting doers and helped me find many friends. thanks for that
I remember finding this like two years ago. And I took the advice to heart. And you know what I learned? If you listen to people, you will rarely speak and few if any people will take the time to get to know you.
I watched this video only because I wanted to hear what people who needed to hear this speech were listening to. I say that because, I’ve come to learn that incredible upbringing I was blessed with (by my single, minority, lower-middle class mother) was quite different from many people my same age and background. Early in life and throughout my development, my mother educated me on how to communicate properly with others. I grew up thinking everyone’s parent(s) did the same. It stuns me that some people have to watch videos like this because “conversation etiquette”, in the many which this woman speaks l, was not a part of everyone’s upbringing. She made some great points (not ones I hadn’t heard before) but I don’t agree with her points of “skip the details; people don’t care about that” and “keep the conversation short”, nor do I agree with her advice to scrap the old conversation etiquette and not make eye contact with someone when you’re talking to them, or to, in some way, show that you’re listening. Actually, those are some of the worst conversation habits someone can have; doing some of the things she said not to do. This totally contradicts many of the points she made before about having deeper, more meaningful and better connected conversations. That’s why people can’t have good conversations now because everyone wants to keep the talk short and simple, and not make eye contact or use some other kind of body language to show their engagement. I work in the medical field and; trust me when I say do not scrap the old conversation etiquette. Because we’re not mind-readers, we do need to show people that we’re listening to them. Sometimes people need someone to relate to them and empathize with them and show that they are being understood; they need that nod, that eye contact, and to hear the one time you experienced something similar and so you can empathize and sympathize with them. I think it was negative and close-minded of her to say “don’t try to relate stories...your experience is not the same.” That’s a given. But often times we as humans need to HEAR and need to KNOW that we are not alone in our struggles and that there are people who, at the least, UNDERSTAND what we’ve experienced so we can feel heard and seen and cared for. 10 times out of 10 when I’ve LISTENED to someone’s story, and then shared a bit of my own, they were relieved to have shared their story with someone who understood them and related to them. Never has anyone asked me “Why are you making eye contact with me? Why are you nodding? Why are you telling me about your story too? Your story is not like mine!” That has NEVER happened. People, please don’t stop teaching your kids to make eye contact when speaking with someone. Please don’t teach your kids to stop using body language to show they are listening. Please don’t teach your kids to keep the conversation “short and sweet”. Sure, we LEARN to accommodate different people’s conversation styles, yes. But that where we, as all kind of relationships require, learn the art of compromise.
Every time I watch this video I remember that I've totally forgotten to employ these fabulous rules in my everyday life. I always show this to my students, both for the rich vocabulary and listening practice, and also for the wonderful points it raises about having a better conversation. Celeste manages to be both informative and entertaining. She is an excellent speaker and the length of the video is just like my favourite rule of hers - it's brief! Great job.
"Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff & grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take & sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." George Eliot. AND I learned these three things from my grandmother-- 1. A good listener knows how to ask good questions and reflect empathy. 2. Security lies in having faith in God and His Words, and... 3. ... understanding the definition of happiness--- HAPPINESS IS: someone to love, someone who loves you, something to do, and something to look forward to
I love this sentence: 'Everybody is an expert in something.' Because when I have this mindset, I can be amazed when I engage in conversation with anyone and start listening. I think it's not just about learning how to have conversational competence, but at the same time, I gain more knowledge from everyone. Thank you again for sharing this, even though it's been over 8 years; it still amazes me."
One key point I wished she had spoken on would have to be, "If you disagree with someone, that doesn't mean you have to be unfriendly about it; demand they see your point of view, leave, angrily retort until they acknowledge your right"...it's a pandemic of epic proportions that makes COVID look like peanuts. You don't HAVE to get angry just because someone doesn't share your view point. You don't. One of my best friends is a diehard atheist who has a Ph.D in bio-statistics, a numbers and empirical data man his whole life. I've been a Christian for years now and he's never once belittled me or made any subtle or direct jabs at my faith and we're still great friends. Choose just to disagree. It's that simple.
You’ve expressed what I was thinking as well. Thank you. It’s a huge thing...like an emotional intelligence skill that’s essential to the progress of our species
Exactly! This is such an important point, it doesn't get discussed nearly as much as it should be! Especially on social media, people are so ready to just rip others into shreds if they detect a different point of view. The problem is further exacerbated thanks to the algorithms of the apps that stick everyone to people/posts with similar mindsets and opinions to theirs, basically forming opposing battlefields ready to go to war with each at the drop of a hat. "Not listening to each other" can describe about 99% of all internet conversations I've seen to date. Rational, polite people are more than rare...
same. I just stand there thinking about what the person said, regretting that I didn't come up with something while they were talking. She's right though, that's not really conversation
In fact, the majority of conversations are gossip or complaining. I don't participare into it, because of the negativity involved and it is not elegant.
Same here. Are you an introvert type person? Sometimes, it's hard part, we have to say something to be listen (remember that conversation is mutual; otherwise it's monologue)
Her: "we don't know how to communicate anymore because we're so dependant on virtual technology we forget how to talk in real life" Me: realizes I'm watching an online video about how to have a good conversation
Number 4: Go with the flow this is a big trouble for me who grew up having ADHD and only discovering that i have ADHD and only getting my meds in my adulthood because i grew up in an ADHD unfriendly society. i'm currently striving really hard to be a better conversationalist it really struck me after she said " a person is not listening well because he was bound and determined to hold on to that thought, a clever question, a clever opinion", because i literally wanted to comment this halfway listening to her full speech. but the i stopped and forced myself to throw out the thought and continue listening till the end before posting this because having ADHD means that your thoughts are just jumping from one to the other, and youre very impulsive and always trying to out talk the other person.. wow this TED talk is really good. i think im gonna download it and put it in my ipod so i can be constantly reminded about the her brilliant tips to be a better listener
The most beautiful part is when she said her bit on Perspective of a better conversationalist is walking into any situation "prepared to be amazed." I loved that. It's a beautiful perspective to skip through life with. I needed these convo nudges. Recently, I've come out of conversation disappointed in more of moy actions, words and delivery more that in the past and this helped me see my errors and more. Thank you :)
Oh my goodness I needed this. I've really been struggling with conversation and intake - this is immensely helpful. Writing down her points in my notebook and reading/practicing them every morning. Thanks TED!
I have watched this a few times over the years. One of my favorites. I should this to our team at work. Nice work Celeste. I love how you deliver messages. Thank you!
5 years later and to prove what she said is true. I applied this after listening to this once. And i have a terrible memory, but i remembered her last name and found it again. Her ted talks is one of my favorites and i now share it, with young friends.
@@maryerb6062 I sense a hidden subtext in your question about her grandfather, because it is enough, for example, to 'google ' her and we immediately get - William Grant Still....Yes, I am a New Yorker, in a sense...but in fact I am much more a European, where I was born and where I left my heart, hence perhaps my poor understanding of the atmosphere around her ... nevertheless, I admire how convincing she can be .... Yes, she appeals to me !..and I can't help it....even though I do not agree with everything she says
Wow, these tips are powerful and unique. Haven't come across such in-depth details regarding the art of conversation anywhere online. Conversation is everything. It helps us build relationships and understand each other. In my opinion, the reason there is so much hatred around the world is partially because of the rise of technology which destroys proper communication.
The one that really stood out for me was "Try not to repeat yourself" Sometimes, when I feel like the other person may not be listening, I rephrase to try to get a response when what I'm not realizing is that they are just listening. I should really practice that. Say what is bothering me, be brief and concise and be done with it. This will be interesting to try out.
The advice given on TED talks apply to people who are in sound mental states. That includes people who aren't abusive; verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically. People who aren't narcissists: a term for people who think only of themselves no matter the situation, and often aim to tear other people down to stay relevant. And also, people who aren't without empathy. Some relationships can't be fixed, especially with mentally ill people- because they won't allow for it. If you try to mend bridges, ask how to make things better, offer advice; then all they will do is ignore, put you down, and become offended. If you are attempting to have a perfectly calm, logical, normal conversation with someone who won't listen and who also berates you for trying... then it is better to not continue. Find someone worthy of your time.
As someone who's schizotypal, I love how she said when ideas come, we need to let them go. New ideas in my brain is the downfall of me when I'm having a conversation.
I cannot tell you how good this advice is, there have been many times where these tips have made conversations way better and just interacting with people in general
This is so beautiful. I simply loved every single word spoken. It must be taught in every school. the world will be different. There would be very few conflicts because people will start listening. Thank you for valuable talk.
Conflict Resolution would be a great addition to high school curriculums. Parents should teach their own children these skills. it would be so helpful.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
You'd be surprised how much a person will reveal if you just listen. In a world where everyone is talking, people truly want to be heard.
It’s amazing when someone actually takes the time to really LISTEN. It’s wonderful being with my friends who do that, my boyfriend is totally incapable of listening/hearing me. He doesn’t do ANY of her list when we talk. It’s very sad 😞
@@a247pms The sad thing is that he could learn how, it's not rocket science, but most of us men just go meh, it doesn't come naturally. John Gray's Mars/Venus covers listening really well.
Everyone sees the world in there own way. Some are blinded by materialistic things, some are more appreciative of friends, family, loved ones, etc. I couldn't agree more, one of the best skills for anyone to home would have to be listening!
@@a247pms your could have a conversation about conversations. There are techniques to help this: like everyone talks for a certain amount of time and the other one listens. 5 minutes can be very long!
Andpfeff yes- we have tried numerous ‘techniques’, The Gotman’s 5 minutes/1 topic, the Answer, Answer, Question. The 30 seconds each.... ugh. That’s not communicating. I’ve never had to have SO many rules and limitations on connecting, communicating, loving in my life. After years of struggling and him with a diagnosis of HFA (Aspergers/High Functioning Autism) and NOT willing to embrace/accept it- learn about it, grow from it, see how HE can grow and improve. I’m exhausted in being the only one working overtime 24/7 to try to make our relationship work. It’s not worth it. I ended it, it’s dysfunctional, degrading, demeaning, he is abusive, narcissistic, unfaithful, untruthful, and totally NOT worth it.
"Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know."
Yea i tried this one, my teacher didn't really like it.
How did it go?
@@elmoradordelrefugio8910 Now he thinks i'm stupid lul
I had a teacher growing up who said "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
@@aimeenicolebambi9499 My teacher didn't like me and he knew i didn't like learning school stuff(that's kinda the reason he didn't like me i guess), so he always asked questions from me to either force me to learn the bs or make me look stupid in front of the class. I chose the second one and i just constantly answered him "i don't know", he was sometimes even making fun of me because of that.
sadlife.
@@dakk3 poor boi
"10 ways to have a better conversation"
*Introverts have entered the chat*
Literally why i’m here
Yes
na-uh.. introverts shouldn't generally have a problem w/communication. Anti-social people, or shy people are different. Introverts do not like to waste time on words they don't need to say in the first place. That's how they're minds are, either to conserve energy or they've already allocated it to something that they must get done. If they have trouble expressing themselves, that's not introversion. I think you meant socially awkward people, they may feel things more (empath), but having a limited speech approach is a socialization limitation for them. Not introversion. If they want* to learn how to engage/and speak in whole conversations, it's not introversion.
Damn true
@@kky.x me too
I've frequently re-watched this video dozens of times over the last 4-5 years and it's actually changed my social life completely. I used to struggle to be able to hold a conversation with anyone, now after practicing and utilizing these skills i'm literally able to have a fun conversation with anyone while smiling and laughing.
Would you like to share some of the things that you actually started doing in order to improve your communications. I generally struggle with starting a conversation as mostly I am scared to do that, as I feel i would make a complete idiot out of myself.
I'm trying to improve my communication skills but don't have anyone to talk to me in english.
There was this quote i once read on internet that said, *"Don't be Interesting. Be Interested."*
and I think this is one of the best RULES to have a Better Conversation.
NEEDED THIS THANK YOU
I love this so much!
I first heard a variant - “interesting people are interested,” which I think has value as well
"Most people don't really listen, they're just waiting for their turn to speak"
Marla Singer, Fight Club
Michael Koro So true
Excellent comment, thank you!
I love Fight Club movie
truth
Unfortunately
This woman is an amazing presenter, and her points all stick. You can tell she's the person to ask about how to have a better conversation.
Shame about her ripping off a very old quote that goes "A good speech is like a woman's skirt; short enough to be interesting, and long enough to cover the vital parts". Unless her sister is from the other corner of the world and is a man, I first heard this quote at least 20 years ago and it was not by any means new even then
@@bornforbanning well she might not have known that and genuinely thought it came from her sister; and maybe her sister didn't even know, but yeah I guess she should've looked that up beforehand
@@bornforbanning why can't a good quote that is pertinent and to the point still be used when appropriate. This thinking would make us lose much wisdom and riches that abound in literature, famous speeches, and folklore.
Ha ha! A nonstop talker giving a lesson on how to listen!😅😅😅😅😅
In that case, I think I'll listen to this video.
Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation:-
1. Don't multitask- Be in present with mind
2. Don't pontificate- Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Don't just try to get your point across. Everybody is an expert in something.
3. Use open ended questions- Who, what, when, where, why and how.
4. Go with the flow- Thoughts will come into your mind and go out of your mind. Let them go. Don't think for two minutes about a clever question to ask.
5. If you don't know say that you don't know.
6. Don't equate your experience with theirs- It is never the same. It's not about you. Don't take that moment. Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds- People don't care about the years, the names, the dates all those details that you are struggling to come up with in your mind. They care about you.
9. Listen- Buddha said: If your mouth is open you're not learning. And Calvin Coolidge said: No man ever listened his way out of a job. We don't listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply.
10. Be brief- A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
THANKS ME LATER ❤️
Thank you for sharing, this has saved me time!
Thanks for sharing
thx
I'd rather thank you now.
👏
She IS amazing. Absolutely concise, informative and open-minded. Wish TED talks hosted more of such people.
Absolutely
This ted talk’s effect was drastic in my life, it made me come out of my shell more, hold much longer conversations with people and feel more confident about my interactions. Thank you so much
Im going to try to use these tricks in my conversations, Number 3 and Number 9 seemed the most intriging
congratulations 😁
I’m trying to get like you lol
TED is great
Summary:
1. Don’t multitask - be present with mind.
2. Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Don’t just try to get your point across. Everybody is an expert in some thing.
3. Use open ended questions. Who what when where why how.
4. Go with the flow. Thoughts will come into your mind and go out of your mind. Let them go. Don’t think for two minutes about a clever question to ask.
5. If you don’t know say that you don’t know.
6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs. It is never the same. It’s not about you. Don’t take that moment. Conversations are not A promotional opportunity.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds. People don’t care about the years the names The dates all those details.
9. Listen. Buddha: if your mouth is open you’re not learning. Calvin Coolidge: no man ever listened his way out of a job. We don’t listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply.
10. Be brief. A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
Thank you!
Thank you! The publisher is limiting exposition by not having this list (with timing) in the prefix to this blog!
1. 4:28, 2. 4:50, 3. 6:00, 4. 6:40, 5. 7:25, 6. 7:46, 7. 8:28, 8. 8:46, 9. 9:08, 10. 10:27
@@you2tooyou2too Good work, Thanks :)
Thank you! You DA real MVP!
@@you2tooyou2too The point is: learn to converse with others by honing your listening skills. Do you want to learn and enhance your conversation skills or be spoonfed? Self improvement comes from motivated engagement not from being spoonfed.
I was never taught any of this from a young age so now I must teach myself to change my incompetent communication habits.
Intrigued heart You are willing to change to see if things will improve... wonderful ! Many people would rather keep blaming others than to try something different ! Kudos to you ! 🧡🌞
I’m an only child and my parents were the only child for their parents. You can imagine it sucked not having cousins to tease. So I too struggle with social skills like having a fulfilling conversation. I often listen to these talks to help myself with that.
How old are you
"A good conversation is like a miniskirt;short enough to retain interest,but long enough to cover the subject"
Damn
What does it mean, cause I didn't get what that means
Osama Gamal It means that a conversation shouldn't be so long that the person loses interest,but neither so short that you don't actually include the important stuff...
Yeah, thank you, Lola
Osama Gamal Welcome :)
I'm triggered. Reporting to the SJW Gestapo in 3, 2, 1 . . .
Was expecting the worst on this one. Turned out the title was literal and honest. I have seen so many similar titles that misuse words like "Conversation" that I have grown a tad jaded. That was actual good advice and well presented.
👍
+Ganjiblob Flankis it was a great talk really
+Ganjiblob Flankis I concur!
+Ganjiblob Flankis ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I couldn't agree more.
This is the most succinct, important and well spoken TED talk I've ever seen
I would definitely emphasise important. I watch TED talks for many different reasons and for the most part thoroughly enjoy them, but this one has hit me harder than the rest. This was powerful learning for me.
Prodby JKnock Thank you. I was searching trough the comments hoping to find at least one who realised the importance of what she says.. almost gave up already..
I agree 100%! I do many of the things she says not to do. Keeping this one around to watch a couple more times. Hopefully I can put them into practice
I totally agree.
"SUCC"
who would have thought - in 2021, we are even more divided on those same topics Celeste speaks about back in 2016!
It will get worse.
A lot of people have been talking about it since Occupy Wall Street.
Some more obscure people have been talking about it back in the 70s.
not surprised tho. it is the goal of forces that be.
George Washington
Like the game?
2016: "at this moment we are more polarized, more divided than at any point in history"
2020: Hold my beer...
🤣
You can thank Democrat’s for that Tbh
@@cc_99081 Why? I'm listening
Sueseajoy Live peacefully***
What about the "30 Years War" now that's what I call divided.
GREAT TEACHER...THIS IS HOW U TEACH PROPERLY. SHE IS INFORMATIVE, STRAIGHTFORWARD & PASSIONATE
crazy! I actually decided that one of my changing resolutions was to be a better listener and you wouldn't believe how much my life has improved just by doing that. I don't interrupt, I don't say a word, I pay attention, and I let the speaker finish before I add something. Conversations went from 0 to 100 in like a week.
I come back at least every month or two to rewatch this. It's a great reminder on how to make sure your communication doesn't suck.
If everyone watched one TED Talks video each day, then the world would be a much better place
+Nicole O.
Hi Nicole. I'm not sure about your statemnet. We can listen many good talks, but it does not make us better than before. One thing is listening, another one is putting it to practice.
The drinker and alcoholic person knows that his addiction is a bad thing which leads to destroy his life. That person knows it so much better than the sober-minded person who doesn't get drunk... but he doesn't stop it because he is a slave of it, and he is a slave of it because he loves it.
The same thing with everything... for that reason and more I do not think that listening Ted talks may fix anything. Hearts who love the good and right, are the necessary thing to put it to practice, only then we will see some changes...
But the problem is that the people love themselves more than they love to others, the problem is rooted in our hearts.
LaVozQueNoCesa Very well said and I do agree with you.
Nicole O. I have a great master about human's heart and soul!
So true
You obviously don't know how many bullshit TED talks there are on the internet and how many of them aren't based on real science.
I am still waiting when will Ted is gonna talk
*the dad jokes start here*
grammar 100
@@clovermx1472 No regerts
Makes no sense. Read your statement.
Carolyn Cunningham I agree, but don’t forget that not everyone who writes in English on the Internet is a native speaker, and not all non-native speakers have had the opportunity of being taught English in a proper way
The best nutshell explanation I've ever heard about listening is: "To listen to what the other person is saying with the willingness to be changed by what we hear."
5:24 "you need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn" and 7:07 (Go with the flow) "and he was just bound and determined to say that". 10:20 "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply" Very nice !!
For Those Who Are Visual Learners: Rules (1-10)
1. Don't Multi-task, Be Present. Focus on that Conversation.
2. Don't Pontificate. Don't state your hard opinion unless it carries on the conversation. (I think)
3. Enter every conservation assuming you have something to learn and use who what when where and why. Let the other one describe the situation
4. Don't stop listening. Let thoughts ebb and flow continue focusing on the conservation.
5. Admit to not knowing something. Air on the side of caution, don;t pretend to be an expert.
6. Don't assume your experiences are their experiences All experiences are unique.
7. Don't repeat yourself.
8. Details don't matter, leave them out.
9. LISTEN. Resist the urge to talk, and avoid being distracted by random thoughts.
10. Be Brief
Be Interested.....
Assume everyone has some crazy thing about them....
Yes, thank you!
thank you
Sanction how thoughtful! thank you
Thank you
thanks a lot man
For anyone interested, here's the list of her advice :
1. Don’t multitask
2. Don’t pontificate
3. Use open ended questions
4. Go with the flow
5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know
6. Don’t equate your experience with theirs
7. Don’t repeat yourself
8. Don’t go into the details (names, number, dates…)
9. Listen
10. Be brief
thanks.
Don't interrupt should be on there
+Awpossum She can say that you have to go with the flow, but how do you go with the flow?
And don't repeat yourself.
+Francis Behnen Just follow the list DAMMIT ;)
The real problem is whoever has clicked this video is already willing to talk and listen, but those who are not, they just skipped this video. Those are the ones that need this lesson.
Bingo!
I do not agree with the point of being brief. Setting a time for conversation is a mistake, there will be short topics and other long ones, it depends on the context and how interested the person is in listening to it.
@@esterlopez4285 brief does not mean short conversations - it means dont turn a conversation into a monologue.
I think we all learned something from this anyways.
@@urmur
Yes, but I can listen to hours for my friend and then she for me without interrupting. That would be a monologue? No, because I listen to it and I sit dow
I love thisss...my #1 love language is QUALITY time. So when I'm talking to someone and they seem distracted..look on their phone..or don't seem interested..or aren't good listeners..it makes me super sad. I love when people genuinely care about what your sharing
I think this lady did an EXCELLENT job at communicating this. A lot of people need to see this video because they seriously need to learn how to communicate better. I think the worst thing I've experienced was someone texting at the same time I'm talking to them in person. That is the rudest damn thing anyone could do. But a lot of people do that, not just to me, but to others as well. It's so rude and people find it socially acceptable. Such nonsense.
+KEVIN SHARADIN I fully agree.
NEVER socially acceptable. I just politely ask if i'm keeping them from something important. But to pull this off it must be sincere.
That's a great response! I'm going to work on that... and my tone of sincerity. Thanks for the tip!
One friend always had time to speak with people when they called her - when I called her she always was busy and said 'I'll call you back.'
That was ok until I realized that when with me, she NEVER told the caller that she would call them back - and then be there for me/us.
I told her ... and she did not like that I was "too sensitive."
I told her I would give her 3 chances to respect me.
When we went out for lunch, she was on her phone again - and I finished my lunch while speaking with people at the next table.
When I finished, I said goodbye to the other people, and then she was hanging up and I said that I was leaving and chose to no longer be her friend.
That was that.
Years later, I called her to let her know mutual friend/acquaintance had died. After the funeral, she emailed me and asked if I wanted to be friends again. I asked her if she was going to change re: her telephone when with me. She said 'no' - and I said 'then I cannot be with you.'
That was that.
I *did* learn from this video (which I found by mistake) and now will watch what I do when with others. M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled saved my life and my husband's - and I'll always remember when Scottie and I had a 1+ hours personal conversation. Wow!
For reals, most people just lack of listening skills and patience to just talk & communicate with others physically.
And I'm also talking about my (girl)friends who are on their f*cking phones most of the time.
"There is no reason to learn that you are paying attention if in fact, you are actually paying attention."
Probably the absolute, #1 best thing I have heard in a long time. Like a reeaalllyyy long time.
YWNBAW. its really not that deep
And everyone claps.
@@mysteriousknowledgetexts9809
You would not be a .... Whiner? Weenie? World? Wind? War? Shoot. Totally lost on me. Oh well.
I BELIEVE, THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE VIDEOS OF TED. She's indeed a woman of substance and an inspiration to all.
This was the best “Ted’s Talks” I have ever heard - wonderful job! I’m going to have my husband AND kids listen to it as they almost always have technology in their hands…and in mine! I’ve worked with my kids on having a conversation but not in a very long time. This was just great - especially at this time.
What we need now is 10 ways to have a better conversation in youtube comments.
agreed
Like if you agree
You're wrong and I hate you
+8Sigurd Hey binky, me namoe izz laic da kraesee kuul kid, an eye izz laic soopir grate atte da staff. Yeu shud laic beey mai munckee an lik mie wee wee pleezz.
+8Sigurd Am I doing a good job yet?
Celeste's talk has changed my life! I am a full time investigator and her excellent insights into the human interaction that occurs during a conversation has had an incredible impact in every aspect of my life...EVERYONE is an expert in something-even if it's only themselves...!
I do not agree on point 10 of being brief, there is no time to put the conversation, depending on the topic it will be one time or another. Who explains this to me
@@esterlopez4285 I think she means, don't wear out your audience trying to add details that aren't that useful when conversation is primarily about creating a flow of understanding and communication, not a precise delineation of past events etc.
Listen to understand, not to reply. That is the most important thing when having conversations with people that many failed to do 😐
The most important thing to me is if I wake up tomorrow morning the rest is just nonsense and by the way forget about the virus it's fake you got that?*good good good more good now shut up see you
I see the issue with focusing on the replying rather than understanding, but I'm not sure if I want to change my approach to conversions accordingly.
Having nothing to reply and hearing the deafening silence of a conversion coming to a halt is not particularly pleasant.
I generally think of conversations as a musical improvisation or a game. The point is to create a meaningful aesthetically pleasing experience-piece by borrowing material form your counterpart, invoking interesting ideas yourself and chaining everything together in the most coherent and logical way you can.
It doesn't really matter to me if some of my thoughts and ideas I brought up get lost in a translation, if we both get out of it pleased and content for having engaged with each other in a manner that was most comfortable and fun for both of us.
That's why I don't see a strong enough argument here for abandoning a perfectly good comeback I would've thought of while listening to a person. If it fits the tone and the "narrative" and allows us both to propagate our chat further it would be shame to waste it, just because I'm too focused on the rest of the details in a preceding phrase.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People ... Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
@@jaym4958 R u okay? bro chill
@Oscar Simansky this is exactly what I was thinking😂 I actually like to show some reactions it’s just natural for me and it keeps the conversation heated lol
"If your mouth is open, youre not learning." Shows how very important is listening.
"Enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn." "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand-- we listen with the intent to reply." "Be interested in other people." "Be prepared to be amazed."
snemelka love it!
Absolutely right
I see by your comment, you were listening. Quoting what I just heard, is condescending, however
The part about replying hit home...thats my daily life. She's not listening, she's fabricating a reply/denial/argument as I speak.
And yes, my marriage is in deep trouble, and she refuses to believe that.
Be interested unless you discover the other person is a moron.😊
I feel like something she neglected to touch on, and that teens especially struggle with a lot, is that you should not rely on others opinions or others responses too much. Listen to the right people and avoid being swayed by those who are trying to force a change that's not to improve you . Have the ability to listen well enough to interpret what is worthwhile to take in. Don't push your opinion, but hold by it well enough to discuss it with someone
Kayla Sheehan wow that is great you mentioned it 🙌
This has been my big problem until recently. I've always tried to be open minded which resulted in me really considering every critique i got, no matter what it was. I have come to realize that this is a horrible thing to do. It got so far that i never listened to myself anymore. Was always trying to be a better person based on what others thought i needed to be.
I know I'm a good person, so why shouldn't i be able to listen and believe in myself?
Arne very True Arne, People will keep talking... how ever small your little voice seems in your head, it is a very important one indeed
It’s the only one that truly knows what you’ve been through and all your experiences and what qualities you like having
Yes, it’s good to balance both, I’m glad you’ve realized that
@kayla why don't you make a little video on that, beautifully said.
This has got to be one of my favorite Ted Talks. Celeste is straight forward and relatable. I found this very refreshing and inspiring.
"A setting aside of oneself and sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinions" - If people actually did this instead of throwing their opinions around they might just learn and grow as a person.
flowersmile123 ..No, we’re not...we’re switch-tasking.
Let's keep it short , concise and crisp
TED never dissapoints my day even 10 minutes. Always helping us to take one step forward to our next day. Something that I call the most productive days, all hearthy thanks to TED and to the scholars for educating us
I actually like to hear people share their experiences as I share mine. Sometimes, it's relieving to know I'm not alone. I don't see it as a promotional opportunity, but I understand her point. Don't steal the conversation away from someone and make it about you. Great video!
I needed to hear the “let them come and let them go” part
This literally calms me whenever I’m scared of talking to other people
She did such a good job of explaining! What kind of fears do you have when talking to other people, Michaela?
Cat Janisko | The Confidence CEO I’m mainly scared of starting the conversation and making sure that it lasts…there’s always something about dead air that scares me
@@michaelaong1174 You're not alone, my friend! Always remember that silence is, often, a big revealer in conversation! Sometimes, the silence forces the person on the other side to talk even more. It's happened to me more times than I can count, and it's pretty magical once you can embrace it. It's not easy to accept silence, but it works! ❤️
Cat Janisko | The Confidence CEO awww thank you so much I’ll try and observe this more often
@@michaelaong1174 Of course! ❤️🙏🏼
1: Be 100% present in the moment
- Don't worry about what you did yesterday or what you'll be doing tomorrow
2: Enter a conversation ready to learn something new
- Be modest, and let go of your biases and opinions
3: Use open ended questions
- Who, What, When, Where, Why. Give people the opportunity to describe and explain their answer.
4: Go with the flow
- Let the conversation flow naturally like a river, don't try to redirect the current anywhere else but downstream
5: If you don't know, then say so
- Don't pretend you know what you're talking about when you really don't
6: Don't make a conversation about yourself
- Take the opportunity to listen to the speaker and learn about their experiences, don't hijack the conversation
7: Don't repeat the same phrase over and over again
- Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome each time
8: Leave out boring details
- Unless you're making a Wikipedia article, no one cares about the tiny details
9: Listen
- It takes effort to actually and effectively listen, but strive to actually understand what someone is talking about
10: Be brief
As an introvert, I feel the urge to always give my opinion in a conversation. In most (or all) cases, they're quite long. I really want people to know that I'm listening, and that, even I'm younger than them, I have an interesting opinion, and that I'm not an airhead. But I think the most valuable point for me is "Don't Pontificate". Actually, I've been practicing on this point, giving myself the restriction of "only respond if your're asked directly". Great talk!!!!
Estefanía Bayona
The exact same thing here
then you are not an introvert
I'll try not to pontificate. Instead, I'll talk about my feelings. Like the ecstasy I felt when Donald Trump was elected in 2016, before I wandered outside to howl at the moon and beat my chest.
Another important rule, especially for teenagers, that often stays unsaid is to be confident.
The truth is that if you would act like you aren't worth anything people might believe it. I have been a very polite listener for a long time but it never worked, because i wasn't respecting myself
Even if you feel like you are nothing, you have to remain confident, it is the key to good conversation
Definitely! Reverage to yoursef defines you as an identity. Self-confidence is a required rate in conversation-building let alone an entire society.
Remember confidence should not be arrogance and also to be having a conversation implies both listening and responding with mutual respect.
I feel like a good middle ground, is to not degrade yourself/insult yourself, but also to not compliment yourself also. This shows that you are confident but also not full of ego or arrogance. And if people dont like you, then thats ok. move on and find people who like you for you.
In addition, most people are drawn to confident people and it will make you seem much more interesting! And i dont mean be obnoxious or over the top, but hold your head high, don't slouch if u can help it, and DON'T put yourself down even if it's to make the other person feel better about themselves. It makes you look insecure and self centered (trust me, they're not the same thing). Also, try not to fidget if you can help it. I have autism, adhd, and anxiety, i truly do understand how hard it can be, but it really does help especially if the person you're talking to gets distracted easily. If you're fidgeting, they'll be paying more attention to your foot tapping or you squirming around than what you have to say.
just another human This!! Studying people's physically and verbal behaviors in relation to confidence has helped me so much. It genuinely pays off to fake it til you make it in these cases. It'll come naturally eventually, and even if you aren't feeling particularly confident on a certain day you'll still APPEAR confident and your brief insecurity won't hinder the conversation from carrying on like normal. It's okay to feel insecure and to talk about it to people but when you're in, say, a meeting for work or something similar it's best to act calm and collected even if you aren't
"Forget the details" YES THANK GOD.
People always mention useless details that aren't relevant to the story. I will never understand why.
movie dialogs Game
@
Maybe because in school we are constantly taught that you get better grades if you reply to questions with the most details as possible.
Cheers for the Video! Excuse me for butting in, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you heard the talk about - Chireetler Kettlebell Miracle Rule (should be on google have a look)? It is a smashing exclusive product for learning some amazing kettlebell challenge workouts minus the normal expense. Ive heard some amazing things about it and my work buddy at very last got cool results with it.
Because people are competitive and want to show off their intellectualism.
*Love how brief this was yet still VERY much intellectual, following your own advice is the first sign of a great teacher!* 🏛️
She forgot one of the most important in my opinion:
Be you.
Don't pretend to agree, and don't hide something inpirtant to you because you think the other person won't accept you for who you are.
This might seem obvious, but a lot of people (including me a year ago) don't know this.
Except you have social anxiety. Then a great tip would be:
_Don't be yourself_ . Pretend to be another person(, maybe even the most ideal version of yourself) and then you might be able to continue a conversation.
Be you, yes. But reveal yourself slowly - remember your right to privacy. Consider the power dynamic. Use caution. Some people use info to hurt. Healthy intimacy takes time. 🌞
this does not seem like good advice in a lot of cases, hiding something important due to fear of rejection is not 'not being yourself' its a matter of comfort zones and sensing your environment.
@@sandyvioletchowdhury yes, but don’t go like “you like Kpop? Wow, I like Kpop too!” if you don’t like Kpop
azrze ar xar
I love how emotional and energetic she was during the whole talk.
After every sentence she finished, I was like: “breath, woman, breath.”
Say "take a breath" or "breathe"
From a former TV/radio host myself, Celeste does an excellent job explaining the ins and outs of healthy communication in the world we live today. Listening is absolutely KEY! 🔑♥️
Every now now and then, I kind of feel the need to come back to this talk and get reminded of those words. They are extremely powerful and they definitely changed how I engage with people. The best 11 inspirational minutes ever. Go read her book right away.
Wow I love her so much!!! “It’s gonna be two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place”
and you hadn't even seen the presidential debate yet!
"A conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject." I like this saying.
putting times to the conversation is a mistake, there will be topics that are short and others long, it depends on the context and how interested the person is in listening to it.
@@esterlopez4285, I took the time to reply to you in the previous thread. But it seems you are just spamming on every comment.
Love this, I thought she was gonna say another quote, which I live by "be interested and you will come across as interesting". That quote has really squashed all anxiety I felt when going into a conversation.... Especially around replying when your mind is going *say something interesting, say something funny* before the person had even finished talking and you've zoned out on half of what they said... If you're interested in what they're saying or yoi try your hardest to be interested and you listen and it will come naturally
Great advice. I can totally relate to this - I think in just this way during conversations - that I have to think of something interesting or funny in reply.
This is such a straight to the point, clear and inspiring TED talk! Celeste is dynamic and honest. Powerful way to share simple truths. Thank you!❤
"Talk should not be cheap": The single most powerful statement. Thank you.
We came out of this world with one mouth and two ears! That's a hint as to what should be more important!
Had a full conversation with my 13yr old daughter's sleep over friend at 9.30pm last night while my wife dealt with my daughter in our closed bedroom it went on for 30 mins and I listened more than I spoke and it was a revelation. Celeste's thought's gave me a lot of help.
"Don't equate your experience to theirs".
I'm usually good about that, but I think this is the one I struggle the most with.
Thank you !
@@echoday8376 I agree with you that having someone relate to your experience is sometimes a nice thing and can really help to connect. It should be done in a way that the focus is still on the experience the other one is talking about and you literally tell them: "it probably isn't the same as what you experienced, but maybe you can relate...". That way I feel you are giving the other person the feeling they are being understood and can continue on talking about it with you because you shared something similar.
@@echoday8376 same
@@echoday8376 Yeah i don't really agree with this one. Not by saying something similar has happened to you taht you're automatically stealing it from them. It's all in the way you do it!
@@jessebarker1414 I think it also depends on the gravity of a situation too
The way the speaker delivered her messages was effective. She uses her *hand gestures* that are so linked with her speeches, it also increases the impact when she say something important. The *tone of her voice* is friendly yet informative. Her style is she *gaves uncomplicated examples* so that its easily understand.
#Principlesofcommunication
my grandpa use to say "girl you have one mouth n two ears. use them accordingly."
+Christina Sheldon Love it!!
+Sandy Popowich thanks he was a character.
100 th like 👌👌👍👍
Did your grandpa also say "Let's butt chug this Miller High Life!"?
Crustation fish the one i have always been told this by my history teacher this, “you have one mouth and two ears for a reason, to listen twice as much as you speak”
It’s paramount to actively listen and seek to understand when someone is talking to you. I agree with the speaker that most of us does not have intent to understand rather all we do is to reply in a conversation. We need to allow someone to reveal his or her emotions when having a conversation. Truly, the most beautiful thing to give to someone talking is to listen.
Wow. One of the best TED talks I've ever heard. Concise and entertaining with real steps that I plan to apply it to better my life immediately. I learned a lot that I need to practice.
I just wanted to say that I've watched this video over a year ago, and I don't think I've thanked you for the things you've said here. I really believe that this video has helped me change as a person for the better. Entering any kind of discussion while being open to the possibility that I might be wrong has improved my quality of life in a huge manner. I always recommend this to a lot of ppl, but, unfortunately and ironicaly, they usually don't "listen".
One should never "talk to" people … but, talk "with" people.
A boss "talks to" his personnel.
An employer "talks with" his employees.
@@verenigingvandemagogen4548 A potate "potates with" his potatos
I see that people "talk" by mostly doing this...hit a "thumbs up" button. Too funny! Look at the number of readers that agree with your comment .....but don't add a single word, much less a sentence, which still can't express a thought provoking point. Oops!....I better stop writing, since my rebuttal is already getting too lengthy.
@@jusayenso8186 two points of the video were 'if you dont know what to say, then don't' and 'listen' so I don't really know what you're getting at
@@bads5780 .....Amen
i must say, that 8 years i heard this ted talk when i was 15 years old, but for some reason this simple 11 minutes video definitely effected my life in such a positive way, i cant even explain. i heard it once but it felt like it got printed on my brain, so often i would go back and think about it, and practice it. i still have long way to go in comunication, but i practice this daily, opened a lot of interesting doers and helped me find many friends. thanks for that
I remember finding this like two years ago. And I took the advice to heart. And you know what I learned?
If you listen to people, you will rarely speak and few if any people will take the time to get to know you.
She did not say to never speak. And I think part of the point is for you to learn something about others as well.
Then you are not in a conversation.
I watched this video only because I wanted to hear what people who needed to hear this speech were listening to. I say that because, I’ve come to learn that incredible upbringing I was blessed with (by my single, minority, lower-middle class mother) was quite different from many people my same age and background. Early in life and throughout my development, my mother educated me on how to communicate properly with others. I grew up thinking everyone’s parent(s) did the same. It stuns me that some people have to watch videos like this because “conversation etiquette”, in the many which this woman speaks l, was not a part of everyone’s upbringing. She made some great points (not ones I hadn’t heard before) but I don’t agree with her points of “skip the details; people don’t care about that” and “keep the conversation short”, nor do I agree with her advice to scrap the old conversation etiquette and not make eye contact with someone when you’re talking to them, or to, in some way, show that you’re listening. Actually, those are some of the worst conversation habits someone can have; doing some of the things she said not to do. This totally contradicts many of the points she made before about having deeper, more meaningful and better connected conversations. That’s why people can’t have good conversations now because everyone wants to keep the talk short and simple, and not make eye contact or use some other kind of body language to show their engagement. I work in the medical field and; trust me when I say do not scrap the old conversation etiquette. Because we’re not mind-readers, we do need to show people that we’re listening to them. Sometimes people need someone to relate to them and empathize with them and show that they are being understood; they need that nod, that eye contact, and to hear the one time you experienced something similar and so you can empathize and sympathize with them. I think it was negative and close-minded of her to say “don’t try to relate stories...your experience is not the same.” That’s a given. But often times we as humans need to HEAR and need to KNOW that we are not alone in our struggles and that there are people who, at the least, UNDERSTAND what we’ve experienced so we can feel heard and seen and cared for. 10 times out of 10 when I’ve LISTENED to someone’s story, and then shared a bit of my own, they were relieved to have shared their story with someone who understood them and related to them. Never has anyone asked me “Why are you making eye contact with me? Why are you nodding? Why are you telling me about your story too? Your story is not like mine!” That has NEVER happened. People, please don’t stop teaching your kids to make eye contact when speaking with someone. Please don’t teach your kids to stop using body language to show they are listening. Please don’t teach your kids to keep the conversation “short and sweet”. Sure, we LEARN to accommodate different people’s conversation styles, yes. But that where we, as all kind of relationships require, learn the art of compromise.
"Try not to preach about yourself." Something I can engage in almost every conversation I have with different people.
Every time I watch this video I remember that I've totally forgotten to employ these fabulous rules in my everyday life. I always show this to my students, both for the rich vocabulary and listening practice, and also for the wonderful points it raises about having a better conversation. Celeste manages to be both informative and entertaining. She is an excellent speaker and the length of the video is just like my favourite rule of hers - it's brief! Great job.
"Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff & grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take & sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." George Eliot. AND
I learned these three things from my grandmother--
1. A good listener knows how to ask good questions and reflect empathy.
2. Security lies in having faith in God and His Words, and...
3. ... understanding the definition of happiness---
HAPPINESS IS: someone to love, someone who loves you, something to do, and something to look forward to
Fantastic points. Thank you for sharing 😃
'When i talk i am in control' that was such an incredibly accurate observation!!!'
As a person who gives advice for a living, I appreciated this.
I love this sentence: 'Everybody is an expert in something.' Because when I have this mindset, I can be amazed when I engage in conversation with anyone and start listening. I think it's not just about learning how to have conversational competence, but at the same time, I gain more knowledge from everyone. Thank you again for sharing this, even though it's been over 8 years; it still amazes me."
This is the best TED Talk I've seen. She's awesome!! Didn't even read the comments while watching 😌
If you WERE reading the comments, then you weren't watching.
One key point I wished she had spoken on would have to be, "If you disagree with someone, that doesn't mean you have to be unfriendly about it; demand they see your point of view, leave, angrily retort until they acknowledge your right"...it's a pandemic of epic proportions that makes COVID look like peanuts. You don't HAVE to get angry just because someone doesn't share your view point. You don't.
One of my best friends is a diehard atheist who has a Ph.D in bio-statistics, a numbers and empirical data man his whole life. I've been a Christian for years now and he's never once belittled me or made any subtle or direct jabs at my faith and we're still great friends. Choose just to disagree. It's that simple.
You’ve expressed what I was thinking as well. Thank you. It’s a huge thing...like an emotional intelligence skill that’s essential to the progress of our species
Exactly! This is such an important point, it doesn't get discussed nearly as much as it should be! Especially on social media, people are so ready to just rip others into shreds if they detect a different point of view. The problem is further exacerbated thanks to the algorithms of the apps that stick everyone to people/posts with similar mindsets and opinions to theirs, basically forming opposing battlefields ready to go to war with each at the drop of a hat. "Not listening to each other" can describe about 99% of all internet conversations I've seen to date. Rational, polite people are more than rare...
."..I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open and I'm always prepared to be amazed...and I'm never disappointed....."
One of the best TED talks I've experienced in terms of practicality, relatability and engagement.
the last point: Listen. I feel that my problem is I listen too much and sometimes don't know how to react to it.
me
same. I just stand there thinking about what the person said, regretting that I didn't come up with something while they were talking. She's right though, that's not really conversation
In fact, the majority of conversations are gossip or complaining. I don't participare into it, because of the negativity involved and it is not elegant.
Learn to discern if worth conversing with. Asset or Liability, then decide to learn more or to leave.
Same here.
Are you an introvert type person?
Sometimes, it's hard part, we have to say something to be listen (remember that conversation is mutual; otherwise it's monologue)
Her: "we don't know how to communicate anymore because we're so dependant on virtual technology we forget how to talk in real life"
Me: realizes I'm watching an online video about how to have a good conversation
Don't worry my friend. Don't you realize that you are doing something to improve your skills? Keep going 😉
Actually the technology that prevent real life talks and the technology that teaches how to communicate are different.
me too 🤷🏻♀️
That's so true
I'm actually not that worried. Not to be arrogant, but my social skills are fairly capable. I just found it a funny thought
Number 4: Go with the flow
this is a big trouble for me who grew up having ADHD and only discovering that i have ADHD and only getting my meds in my adulthood because i grew up in an ADHD unfriendly society.
i'm currently striving really hard to be a better conversationalist
it really struck me after she said " a person is not listening well because he was bound and determined to hold on to that thought, a clever question, a clever opinion", because i literally wanted to comment this halfway listening to her full speech. but the i stopped and forced myself to throw out the thought and continue listening till the end before posting this
because having ADHD means that your thoughts are just jumping from one to the other, and youre very impulsive and always trying to out talk the other person.. wow this TED talk is really good.
i think im gonna download it and put it in my ipod so i can be constantly reminded about the her brilliant tips to be a better listener
The most beautiful part is when she said her bit on Perspective of a better conversationalist is walking into any situation "prepared to be amazed." I loved that. It's a beautiful perspective to skip through life with. I needed these convo nudges. Recently, I've come out of conversation disappointed in more of moy actions, words and delivery more that in the past and this helped me see my errors and more. Thank you :)
I wasn't prepared to be amazed, but I actually was! Thank you!
Oh my goodness I needed this. I've really been struggling with conversation and intake - this is immensely helpful. Writing down her points in my notebook and reading/practicing them every morning. Thanks TED!
I have watched this a few times over the years. One of my favorites. I should this to our team at work. Nice work Celeste. I love how you deliver messages. Thank you!
5 years later and to prove what she said is true. I applied this after listening to this once. And i have a terrible memory, but i remembered her last name and found it again. Her ted talks is one of my favorites and i now share it, with young friends.
This talk may be one of the best speeches I have ever heard and will ever hear. Period
Dear Celeste Headlee - to me, you are the best speaker in the world - i just love to listen to you every night before sleeping. Greetings !
Thanks for saying her name. I didn't catch It. She says her grandfather is famous? Who is he? Very good presentation and thank God she's funny!
@@maryerb6062 I sense a hidden subtext in your question about her grandfather, because it is enough, for example, to 'google ' her and we immediately get - William Grant Still....Yes, I am a New Yorker, in a sense...but in fact I am much more a European, where I was born and where I left my heart, hence perhaps my poor understanding of the atmosphere around her ... nevertheless, I admire how convincing she can be .... Yes, she appeals to me !..and I can't help it....even though I do not agree with everything she says
Wow, these tips are powerful and unique. Haven't come across such in-depth details regarding the art of conversation anywhere online.
Conversation is everything. It helps us build relationships and understand each other. In my opinion, the reason there is so much hatred around the world is partially because of the rise of technology which destroys proper communication.
Im learning english and your paragraph made happy i appreciate it. I understood the entire thing without having to check a dictionnary
niknatural _
niknatural ได้ฃ
This is probably one of the most amazing speech thus far in my opinion; I couldn't stop rewatching it
"Every man I meet is my superior in some way, and in that I can learn from him."
~ Emerson
You don't need to read a book,
She abbreviated everything.👏
The one that really stood out for me was "Try not to repeat yourself" Sometimes, when I feel like the other person may not be listening, I rephrase to try to get a response when what I'm not realizing is that they are just listening. I should really practice that. Say what is bothering me, be brief and concise and be done with it. This will be interesting to try out.
01¹QQQQQqq1qa
'Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't; EVERYBODY IS AN EXPERT IN SOMETHING". HOLDS SO TRUE! Great Lecture!
Do you this app call fetch reward? Where you can scan your receipts
my dad really needs to see this. I feel like he never listens to me..
hahahaha
Cyril Varghese .... oh well, wasn't meant as a joke, but whatever.
Jacob Thomas
hahahahaha
same
The advice given on TED talks apply to people who are in sound mental states. That includes people who aren't abusive; verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically. People who aren't narcissists: a term for people who think only of themselves no matter the situation, and often aim to tear other people down to stay relevant. And also, people who aren't without empathy.
Some relationships can't be fixed, especially with mentally ill people- because they won't allow for it. If you try to mend bridges, ask how to make things better, offer advice; then all they will do is ignore, put you down, and become offended.
If you are attempting to have a perfectly calm, logical, normal conversation with someone who won't listen and who also berates you for trying... then it is better to not continue. Find someone worthy of your time.
As someone who's schizotypal, I love how she said when ideas come, we need to let them go. New ideas in my brain is the downfall of me when I'm having a conversation.
Celeste is the conversation master. Her talks are funny and totally instructive at the same time.
I cannot tell you how good this advice is, there have been many times where these tips have made conversations way better and just interacting with people in general
This is so beautiful. I simply loved every single word spoken. It must be taught in every school. the world will be different. There would be very few conflicts because people will start listening. Thank you for valuable talk.
Conflict Resolution would be a great addition to high school curriculums. Parents should teach their own children these skills. it would be so helpful.
It's not kids who need to learn this. We teach them how not to do this.