What The ENFJ is Most Self-Critical About
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- Опубліковано 29 січ 2024
- An impromptu video I recorded tonight while still in a heavily vulnerable, pensive, and embarrassed state of mind over a build-up of recent minor events that I had been reflecting on. Hopefully, it helps someone out there.
#ENFJ #LifeCoach #16personalities
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Hey man, I appreciate your videos. My husband is an ENFJ and it is so hard to find this perspective out in the world of MBTI. I’m an ENTP and our relationship has a very interesting dynamic. I don’t think you’ve even scratched the surface of the spiral of self shame that occur when an ENFJ feels they have made a social injustice. I found it very difficult to relate to in the beginning but my understanding has grown and I can relate by using my shame spiraling after an error of accuracy. I question my whole intelligence, everything I’ve ever said, every time someone called me a know it all just starts echoing in my mind. I had to train myself to recognize when I started listing defeats. I’ll be hands on face defeated and then think “You’re listing! STOP!” And trying to think of all the good things I am and balance them out. I’m trying to understand that this is how I operate and teach my husband the same but obviously Fe and Ti are less balanced so it’s a struggle. I feel like y’all have it double edged too because first the mistake shames you but then the jump to “what’s wrong with me” shames you twice as hard. Remember that the pain you put yourself through is WHY you work so hard to be the best person ever, you think it’s a huge deal to make a social error. That very same thing is the reason everyone else thinks you are fantastic and ridiculously too nice. So we forgive the minor mistakes because to us they are minor in comparison to the wonderfulness we get all the time.
🥹🥲 Well, this is very validating to hear from a high stack Ti person. That even you go through a similar thing in a different way. That makes sense. And you’re so right about the double-edged sword…it’s tough. But thank you for sharing your perspective and affirmation with me. This is very valuable and I appreciate it. 🙏🏾
This sounds a lot like when apostle Paul was struggling when he said, " I wanna do good, but this cursed flesh of mine wouldn't let me" or somewhere along those lines. God knows everything is cursed. That's why we need his help ALL of the time.
I accidentally let out my dog, a Yorkie poodle, mind you, and my next-door neighbor hated me now since her son was so easily afraid of the dog. I also looked bad to a manager to the point where she wanted to find a way to fire me.
As a Christian and an INFJ, I usually see my mistakes and try to amend them to those I did wrong like you said in your video, which I did. But some people aren't that forgivable like we'd hope for.
So, I just started to amend the best of my abilities, and if they still hate me, then I just shrug my shoulders and left God handle this. I hope this helps.
Edit: After I wrote this, I rewatched one of my subscription videos that helped me coped with this. Again, hope this helps.
ua-cam.com/video/b_mW8UcvUI4/v-deo.htmlsi=pRZ-S__CiKXjtG6p
"Hey Denzel" It's very admirable that you strive so hard to be the absolute best version of yourself. I hope you know that your wife loves you and sees the good in you - no matter what. Try not to over-identify with your shortcomings - coming from an Enneagram 4, trust me, I know how hard it is!
🥺❤️💍….Thanks, Jam.
I relate to so much of this, very much, as a fellow ENFJ. Thank you for sharing this concept, your personal experiences, and developing insights with such candor.
I feel this heavy disappointment in myself as well. That feeling of, “you should have known better.” Oof. 💯
Thanks again. Sending positive vibes from the Mile High City! 😻🙌✌️
Your energy, validation, and relatability here is so appreciated. Thank you for watching and leaving feedback!
I'm ENFJ 8w9 and I think I have one of the biggest egos 😅😅. For me, I don't have to apologize to others because I'm always right. or I tell myself that I thought about it so much, I took into account the feelings of others to make a decision so obviously my decision should not be refuted. So my biggest problem is really realizing that I don't have the absolute truth, that I'm totally perfect because that's the impression I give to others,I am beyond reproach and it is you who must listen to me and not me.
Because of this, I prefer to distance myself from people who are against me by always remaining in my positions, never taking the consequences of my actions on others. It's like what you said where you were shocked that your jokes could hurt others, to me it's like I'm indirectly telling the person that I don't care if you get hurt.I don't say it directly but the way I face myself, the reproaches of others, I'm more the type to crush their feelings to tell them unconsciously, I'm the one who controls your feelings so you shut up. I don't know how to explain it better but that's the impression I give to others as a social 8w9 ENFJ and I understand why in most cases I end up alone because I have clearly shown others that I don't need them that I control everything, I control your feelings, your needs, I control everything . And I understood all this with my 8w9 enneagram where I really tend to avoid weakness, that is to say finding myself in a situation where people will tell me that I am weak is the most intolerable thing to bear. I prefer to tell myself that I feel weak, that I won't be able to do everything alone, but never have another person tell me that. And really it's a hindrance particularly in my workplace where I'm responsible for an entire team, the fact of resolving everything alone and completely putting my team aside doesn't make me go faster as I think but on the contrary I go backwards. And this step back constantly reminds me “Hey Rachid, you forgot people behind you” 😅
Woooow! First off, thank you for even taking the time to watch and comment! But secondly, I appreciate your transparency here! Such self-awareness and brutal honesty with yourself is really admirable! I’m still wrapping my head around this. I only know like one other ENFJ 8 and even then, not too deeply so this is interesting to read.
@@DeezyRYG No, it's not a problem, it's a pleasure for me that you answered me. I believe you may be one of the few people who aren't INFJs because seemingly everyone who studies the MBTI are INFJs 😂😂.
The fact that I realized that I was ENFJ 8 was difficult to accept for the simple fact that I myself see myself as a decent, kind and non-authoritarian person but in reality it is the opposite. It is as if someone feels choking but the person choking does not know that he is choking the person being suffocated.So combine between valuing others because even though I'm a type 8, I'm still an ENFJ who never thinks about myself. And maybe that's my problem, it is that if I learned to respect myself, to value myself, I would in fact accept that other people are human people who also need needs. To be more explicit, it is the boss who believes that his own employees are incompetent because he thinks that all these employees have the same responsibility as him (forgetting that his position as the big boss absolutely does not have the same responsibility as an employee 😅).
And all this, I make myself believe that I am altruistic or kind but in reality, I extract the few skills specific to this person by attributing the merits to myself
So I really exercise dominating, even manipulative control (my own mother told me that I'm manipulative 😂) over others but I'm the only person who doesn't see my dominant character. For me I'm the nice little ENFJ, the kindest 8 and the least dominant of the other 8s.
LOL!!!!!!!! Woooooooooow!!! Thank you again for sharing this!! I’m actually understanding and able to imagine what you’re talking about here! That makes sense. I’m assuming you’re a Social subtype 8?
@@DeezyRYG Yes, it's difficult to cope with being a social type 8 in addition to ENFJ because all the attention is focused on others and we always remain in denial that everything is fine, q that the criticism people throw in my face has no effect on me until I realize it when we're alone. Being a social 8 is already a case but filling it with a dominant Fe as an ENFJ, you are obsessed with maintaining an image that doesn't show that you are affected. It's like, for example, you must always continue to sympathize with a friend who called you names but you don't want to show others who are with you, your dark side. So in my case, there is a priority to protect my psyche against any aggression because with Ni auxiliary, you already know in advance people's reaction and you know if you touch someone in their sensitivity, they will hit you right in the face and right now, I have reached a moment where my hard shell that I showed begins to weaken and crumble so I try to hold on to what's left and no longer allow myself to confront others directly. But this leads to another problem because I am actually becoming weaker, therefore lacking confidence and self-esteem. So that’s the flip side of being a social ENFJ 8.
I think we don't really know an ENFJ 8. An ENFJ 8 according to my understanding is an ENFJ who manages to know the needs of others and makes sure to be a shield for others so that others can live their best lives. The ENFJ 8 is not into helping like the ENFJ 2 but he plays the soldier and confronts the enemy directly to protect people who are under his protection. He wants people to live well, and sees himself as the person who wards off danger in others but unfortunately forgets that he must protect himself if he still wants to stay alive to protect others 😅😅.
And for me this is the case as a social ENFJ 8, I spent all my time eliminating all the obstacles that got in the way of others that I didn't see being thrown at me. arrows behind my back. We have to take life the hard way, especially ENFJ 8 men, who we will break from the start to be stronger. And sometimes we're not prepared for that, we just use the means at hand that we have to resist 😅
Hi Denzel. It seems like you have had a few rough patches in the last few weeks. Life goes straight to the shitter sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself. That's probably what you'd tell someone in your shoes. You is loved, accepted and just fine. I think you are funny. I too am inappropriately funny, which seems appropriate for me. Laugh at yourself, own it, and keep on truckin' brother. It's great future fodder! Win, win!! You can't help it that you are so dang-gone witty!
Or can you? Oh no, let's overthink this and beat the living daylights out of it 😛
This was my first smile and laugh this morning hehe, thank you. Your username is fitting for the conversation at hand too. But yeah, I appreciate you not only watching, but taking the time to encourage me. And make me chuckle a bit. It’s hard not to be hard on myself in those moments even if I know I am being hard on myself. But I’ll keep working at it.
Thank you. I created that user name before I knew I was an ENFJ too, lol! We is who we is... Lately I've been referring to myself as an EN(FU)J
@@WannabeBetter 😂😂😂 I’m here for it. That Ti is coming in strong.
I wonder if learning from those entp jokers would help
Haha I probably should. I hope they leave comments here.
Hey Denzel, thank you so much for sharing ❤ This video was really reaffirming for me in that we all struggle with some sort of self criticism and go to dark places of shame and pain. I can totally relate to a lot of this where I have said or done something where somebody’s feelings got hurt and I felt I should have known better. The first place my feelings go is the projection of my anger at myself towards the other person. I noticed that perhaps your joke making is the Se tertiary wanting to “spice things up”! What causes you to be so hard on yourself? I wonder why they got offended? What was it that triggered them and how did that come to be? They are also responsible for their reaction. Could you think about what causes you to feel so responsible for their feelings? For me it’s because I have so much trouble accepting that I’m not perfect and am working on that “acceptance” and the “bigger picture” that it’s ok to “be ourself” and what did I learn from this? Now I know this person doesn’t feel comfy with that and that person feels comfy with that etc. And sometimes we can’t always avoid people getting hurt and that is OK too. They are also responsible for their feelings and reactions to things. When I feel a sense of acceptance of myself and forgive myself for not being perfect the feeling of being angry at myself seems to disappear and the anxiety disapates and I can see very clearly. I don't know if that helps but that is my experience and thought process. you're a wonderful human and just perfect the way you are even in moments of imperfection🙏
Oh and I am hard on myself because it serves a self fulfilling prophecy that I need to be perfect to be accepted by others. It’s an insecurity that I’m not enough unless I’m perfect. Which is not in line with my philosophy of what life is all about. So an alignment of my life philosophy and my ongoing work on insecurities is a continuing work in progress. There’s something very beautiful about imperfection and It reminds me that we are all in this together. Peace ❤
Sometimes I look at my cats and when they do something to hurt the other like in a battle with each other and they don’t “feel bad” about it. They just go about their business, walk away and then they’re are back to lovingly licking each other like nothing just happened. It shows me that the one of the only perfect thing is acceptance and just being ❤
Your comments were so nice to reflect on. I understand. Yeah it’s funny cause I know I’m not perfect, but I often feel like there’s certain THINGS about myself that I AM perfect in? lol so not as a whole, but maybe that I SHOULD perfectly know what hurts others from what I say and what doesn’t? But I laugh in thinking that cause I also know that’s unrealistic and just dumb. But sometimes in those moments I can’t help but still get upset about it.
Man as a 9 myself yeah get what you mean this whole video was very nine flavored but get why she took the virginity joke wrong considering how creepy men can be about it, also looking great with the lighting! -Enfp
for me I end up becoming paranoid instead of thinking I should've known better most of the time though, as to not repeat the same trigger around a certain person so I end up 6 disintegrating combined with adding to that si domain of knowledge
First of all, thank you for watching! But also thank you for your validation and taking the time to respond to begin with! I appreciate it a lot. I think being an Enneagram 9 definitely plays a major part to this, and then being Fe Dom PLUS Sp repressed is like a quadruple whammy. I find it interesting how it shows up for ENFP 9s so I am glad you shared your experience!
And yeahh I feel that about the creepy men, lol but also my wife was right there, and this person should have known me well enough. Granted, I have come to see that she is a bit prudish in many aspects. Even seeing a female dogs nipples makes her uncomfortable she said so....I guess that is more of a her issue. Nonetheless, I still should have known better lol.
And thanks!! I am glad the lighting turned out well!
yeah got 974 in tritype (it's literally called the delusional tritype)@@DeezyRYG
Wait! LOL!!!!! The delusional??? That’s so funny! I wanna experience this
Can you do a series of this type of video?
I be thinking about stuff like that and then I just wonder how much it would be appreciated cause I’d be speaking from observation and not really experience? Like it would be a very different feel from this one. But what you think?
Hey, as a Sagittarius I love to poke and tease as well for the fun of it! 😁😂
Haha how does that usually go for you?
@@DeezyRYG Yeah, it doesn’t usually turn out that well. It is like a lot of what you described in this video. The unfortunate thing is that for us we usually do it out of our harmless playful nature but unfortunately when you get feedback on how it may have offended or hurt someone. It can be hard to want to keep being playful with that person. Or learn when to do it and when not to do it since it is mostly a mannerism.
Yes yes yes! Exactly!!!!!
Hey Denzel, I really like your MBTI content and Christianity content (particularly, the older videos, no offense). I wanted to share a concern with you as a sister in Christ so that we can understand each other's POV.
It seems like there has been a compromise or backsliding on your stance as a Christian because of the knowledge and application of Astrology you've shown in your videos lately. I even remember you mentioning that actively sinning against what God said in the Bible isn't a good thing in a video called 'God's Curfew'.
This is not to say that I'm a better person than you. We have, are (for some of us), and will struggle with backsliding and compromise. Though, of course we do need to work towards better habits for God and to set a better example for others.
*Note: Long paragraph wasn't intentional. Feel free to take your time with your response*
-ISFP
Hey =] thanks for taking the time to write this out. It was very sincere, gentle, and kind. Thoughtful if anything too. It’s…interesting I admit…because this was not an easy journey for me, but in essence, as of right now I don’t claim to be a Christian anymore like how I used to…I still believe in God and love Jesus but I don’t believe in the inerrancy of The Bible and other things anymore…it’s complex. I talk about this a bit in my Phoenix video. But yeah…maybe that brings some illumination.
@@DeezyRYG Yeah, I understand where you're coming from. I'll check out that video whenever I can👍
@@DeezyRYG Which Phoenix video? The recent one, or the one from 5 years ago?
@@mariannar1190 the recent one!
Heya Denzel I'm going to message you back so watch this space (sorry been manic with what's going on at the moment). You know we're like polar opposite's in terms of being ENFJs bro (you as a convergent FeSe sub & me as a TiNi sub) but still ya know that ENFJ has gotta preach so I wanted to try & give you some helpful insights 😊. I think as CPT would call it you have quite a heavy ENTP subnetwork going on re the jokes (basically Fe acting at the behest of a plethoric Ne agenda)...this is common for ENFJ extroverted subtypes so when you say you're acting out of character I think this is more your perfectionism speaking to you - you're actually doing what comes innately to you. Also, as Fe imbues all the other functions & subnetworks with a prosocial agenda we're bound to feel guilty on some level when people take it personally when we feel like we've offended somebody. I actually think you're being incredibly hard on yourself; you're right when you say that people who know you should understand you better & realise it's a joke. Well you're doing a damn sight better than me that's for sure: I think we ENFJs can with our penetrative insight be the most cutting if we so desire & I admit I've used my 'powers' to some low ends in the past...I'm never out an out malevolent & always regret it afterwards. Just wanted to say as far as ENFJs go & on your path to individuation you're doing a really good job. I think convergent FeSe ENFJs can be especially hard on themselves as far as negating themselves at the expense of others goes (not that they're push overs by far from it; given the perceptiveness of FeSe this is far from the case) so giving yourself some self love wouldn't hurt 😊. Ps my jokes ads generally erotic in nature & I really don't care 😂
Emma🤍 I see. I’m sorry you’re having a manic episode right now…I don’t know too much about those, but I had a colleague who had them pretty often and I could tell it was a hard time…I hope that it passes soon. Take your time, but I do look forward to hearing from you.
In the meantime, I’m glad you took the time to respond to this video and even watch it to begin with. I am very curious to learn more about this Fe/Se convergent type versus Ni/Ti. I’d also be curious to know what differences you see in us. Especially if we both seem to have a similar sense of humor. But yeah…thank you. I’ll definitely try and keep this in mind.