The One Question You Need to Understand Who You Are
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- Опубліковано 14 тра 2024
- There is one question that, perhaps more than any other, gets to the root of who we are and what motivates us: “What did I need to do in childhood to win the support and approval of my parents?” We might - to sharpen the picture - need to lean on a few subsidiary enquiries…
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“There is one question that, perhaps more than any other, gets to the root of who we are and what motivates us:
What did I need to do in childhood to win the support and approval of my parents?
We might - to sharpen the picture - need to lean on a few subsidiary enquiries:
To please my father, I needed to…
To please my mother, I needed to…
Not to upset my mother, I needed to…
Not to upset my father, I needed to…
Whatever might be claimed, no family ever gives its offspring unconditional love; there is always, more or less subtly, something that one has to do and to be - and other things that must at all costs be skirted…”
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My father had a very short fuse and a bad temper. To this day, (I'm 59) I avoid conflict and situations that had a potential to escalate. This fear made me weak. Only recently, I allowed myself to be disagreeable and feel comfortable saying No.
I feel you 💓
Damn bruh reading your comment is connecting the dots for me...
I am because of we. Avoiding conflict is a leadership skill. Weakness is similar to beauty, it’s in the eye of the beholder. Heal, be well, be you and love us. -ODell
Same here. I'm a very disagreeable man now, especiallysince embracingsobriety. I will not be a doormat for anyone's bad mood. 54 yr. 💪👍🧨💥🔥
My father was the same but then I think he was just angry at the system / beaten by it. Thankfully, he also had _some_ positive attributes: a GSOH and a thirst for knowledge. I know he hated religion. I'm 51 and now anti-capitalism & anti-religion (religion was after all mass-propagated by the rich for a reason).
In my experience, parents often encourage obedience to their kids and conflate it with respect. We can respect people without agreeing with them on everything but children are not allowed to disagree. The belief that children are incapable of having their own voice that has an intrinsic value is held by a lot of parents all over the world. Interestingly, such parents raise their children to become obedient and stoic but want them to simultaneously be assertive and happy later in life. It's like deliberately stemming the growth of a plant and wondering why it's not blooming.
People are idiots and people become parents. Imaging producing a new person and then being uninterested in that person. My dad lives 4 miles away from me, and we talk a couple times a year. He has weird friends that he sees every week but couldn't be bothered to talk to his own son. Now that I'm middle aged, I don't respect him much as a person. He's just a frustrated man who did what he was told his whole life and was disappointed the world didn't heap kudos on him.
So perfectly said 👏
Yeah… I have been thinking about this a lot lately - the value of having children and what it either means or doesn’t mean to people. I can only hope that our ‘great awakening’ will take this into account. ✨😳✨
Well put
That was always something that bothered me as a kid, and still bothers me today as it carries on into our adult lives where the “subordinates” don’t have to be listened to and their feelings don’t matter, even if they have a well thought out and valid point. The concept of “lower ranking = lower value” is so vile and is honestly the cause of most of our modern problems.
Well, that was a real downer first thing in the morning! Because the thing that I had to do to appease my single parent (mother) was to not exist. I was raised in a "children should be seen but not heard" family. I tried my best to be invisible and not take up too much space or use too much oxygen. At 70, I look back and see how this has affected all areas of my life, and how I have come to the place where I am. I know now that I cannot please everyone and I am OK with that. I also know that my mother had her own issues ( which I don't know what they were), and that I am not responsible. I was about 15 when I first realized that the only way I could make my mother happy was to be unhappy. And, even then, that just didn't seem right! Bless everyone who was affected by this post. 😊😊😊
My parents are a bit of an enigma, even to psychologists, but what I do know about them is that they refuse to be happy. They are the two biggest pessimists I know. They were so certain that I would fail at everything they deemed important that they would actively sabotage me. They believed that if they stopped me from trying, then they would stop me from failing.
Mom in particular used to have an incredibly short fuse. I'm astounded she didn't lose her voice from how much she yelled at me. Thankfully, she suddenly calmed down mid-2013 for whatever reason. Mom and Dad still seem to want me to live a mediocre life however. They never liked how well I did when left to my own devices. It didn't make sense to them. It wasn't normal enough for them.
When I was in college, Mom and Dad actually got very emotionally abusive towards me. Part of this seemed to be because they were worried by the fact that I was doing worse due to stress from all of Mom's screaming, part of it seemed to be that they wanted me to be as stressed as possible because it is normal to be stressed. Mom in particular seems to get incredibly stressed by the concept of me not being stressed.
Interestingly, Mom and Dad only showed this behavior to me, not to my sister. I think they judged me for being autistic. Sorry to hear about how things went with your mother.
When I was a kid, my dad had a need for me to be perfect - straight A's, well behaved, do whatever he told me to do and agree with him on everything. My mom, on the other hand, she just needed me to exist. Because he needed me to behave a certain way to be loved, I've always felt that love had to be earned by being a good boy - and never valued love that just existed, because it wasn't earned - it always felt fake. Yes, I know that's completely effed up - I still haven't managed to get myself de-programmed from it.
Being aware of that is the first part in overcoming it. The second is meditation and deep introspection into how being that way has kept you from having a fulfilled life. It takes time and is like peeling away the layers of an onion. Eventually you get to the core emotion that got you there. Just experience the emotion without reacting to it in any way and you will see that you are no longer prisoner to that programming. Then learn better programming from people you know or from reading.
That sounds very familiar. I was also expected to be quiet, polite, and maybe quietly and politely happy if the situation warranted it. For me, though, my mom was my lifeline. That I could simply be myself around her (as much as I could allow myself to after time with my dad - my parents divorced early in my life) allowed me to breathe. I still have trouble expressing joy beyond the quiet and polite boundaries, even if I'm internally ecstatic. It has taken decades to rewire my brain as much as I have, and I'm finally ready to seek therapy.
I read your comment and oof, it hit me viscerally. I similarly know the feeling of feeling we need to be perfect in order to be loved. Further too, I know how insidious this can be as an adult when we realise that perfection is a non-existent illusion. Trying to secure love through perfection is therefore a zero sum game where the odds are endlessly stacked against the player. I'm not going to offer solutions or suggestions or tell you to meditate. Yeah there are a bunch of things like that which might help, even show promise as means of helping. But mostly people who've grown up to develop this coping mechanism just need someone to sit beside them and say "that sounds terrible" and acknowledge the pain of it without being dismissive or deflective. Please know that you are worthy of love and carry that knowledge with you as you work through your inner journey. Safe travels my friend.
Your dads revealing his own Narcisstic insecurities and inability to see you as separate from him.Watch little Shamen.
I grew up with both parents like that, and to this day I think the most unconditional love i've felt came from my husband and now my son. I very much want to give that to my son so i do things like telling him every night he is loved regardless. However I don't know how to do this without spoiling him. I am lost! Any tips?
I can't imagine a better childhood than mine. I got unconditional love from my mother (almost to a fault.) From her I learned compassion, empathy, loyalty, a love of beauty (such as art & music,) and much more. My father gave me great love in a different form -- he encouraged me to be strong, resilient, responsible, honest, & more. From him I learned things like the importance of self-development, a love of reading, personal accountability, introspection, and perseverance. He pushed me at times, but I always knew he loved me. I was a happy child and have had a VERY good life. My sisters and I often discuss this -- we feel VERY lucky.
You are indeed incredibly lucky :000
Good to hear you look back at it so positively! I love that we can hear stories like yours as well.
I actually had a great childhood too (I vividly remember lying in bed and looking at the ceiling and thinking I could burst of happiness in my childhood), but when I started analyzing my childhood critically (this started at the age of 27), all to understand my complex persona better, I realized there were flaws all along (which were not visible on the periphery). I'm still really grateful for my childhood, but I don't want to unsee these truths. It pushes me to be more self-honest about what was nice, and what wasn't. This critical thinking made me more self-aware. And I'm in no way trivializing your story - just wanted to say that. Sharing this because your story spoke to me.
@@UlasMT Well, I'm 63, and I've reflected on my childhood in some depth, and I don't see or feel anything that could be described as trauma. My parents weren't perfect, of course, but they were good people who showed their love, were firm when they needed to be, and always had our best interests at heart. They did quite a good job, as evidenced by the fact that my sisters and I have all lived happy, productive, fulfilling lives, without serious psychological issues, drug or alcohol abuse problems, eating disorders, suicidal ideations, divorces, or anything of the sort. My sisters and I have also all remained very close throughout our lives, despite sometimes living far apart. And when my oldest sister passed away recently, about 1000 people attended her funeral. That's pretty compelling testimony to the fact that she was a well-adjusted, well-liked person who was raised in a loving home.
So, it's not a question of a lack of critical thinking or of self-awareness, as you suggest -- it's that not everyone has crippling childhood trauma or even unresolved childhood issues.
@@flyo7789 Thanks for responding. Appreciate your explanation.
And the rest of us are all jealous of you
My mother often blew up at my brother for being difficult, so I learnt to be easy and meek. This bypassed her temper and got through to her kindness, but now I find myself too meek to say my mind when I am legitimately hurt, angered, or upset by others. The law of my land was "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." I'm now learning instead to "find the nicest, but still truthful, way to say it."
It's like deprogramming what we learn to program who we truly are.
literally
Exactly 🎯💯
There are some things about me that I intend to keep untill I die.....ill never deprogram them
I’m there right now. It’s soo exhausting but sooo worth it!
Deprogramming is another programming. That's the predicament in the first place. Furthermore, who is it choosing the deprogramming program ?
these kind of stories tend to remind me that my childhood (and teenage years) actually was a pretty great time, in many small ways and in the few details I can remember now it's so long ago. My father encouraged me to enjoy reading, but also to go have fun with my friends, as he was always more introverted. My mother shared her care of animals, and they both had a love of music which I gained and they both encouraged me to be kind to others. I'm the guy who sees someone drop something and grabs it for them so they don't lose it. Wish I'd learned more of mum's skills such as cooking and sewing when I was younger and lazier as she's passed away now. I'd like to think she'd have been proud to see me raising and caring for the little cat family born in my back yard. If I ever become a dad, I'd like to be a bit like my own parents. And I realise such a small percentage of people can say that, and while that's sad, I'm thankful for it.
Very gentle and warm story, gives another view on the parents role. The worst that could happen was that your parents were not there to show their values and fun in life. 🙏
Inner child healing I think is essential for every human to find compassion for themselves and others.
I wasn't allowed to be smarter than my father. He paid for me to attend college, but I believe that secretly, he hoped I'd drop-out and come home to the family business (like all my brothers and cousins did). After I graduated, I went on to grad school and, ultimately, law school. We grew further and further apart after that. My mother had gone to college but we always avoided talking about it. My Dad was incredible insecure.
I emigrated years ago from my republic, as it was ryfe with emotional tyranny.
Actually, I laughed at the beginning as it is a trick question. It took me years to realize there is nothing I can do that will ever be good enough. Hence, I had to leave, for my own sanity.
immigrate to
emigrate from
rife, prevalent
I also emigrated to escape.
so true, same here... this moment happened to me for over 50 years ago...
this channel attracts people wishing they can heal themselves emotionally, mentally. You can't by looking at these videos. Go reach out to someone to help you.
I emigrated as soon as all connections to my childhood died or disappeared. The relief was palpable. I was in my early 60’s though. It took a long time & I had no idea that in disconnecting from the past I could feel so much better.
Emigrate ? That’s an idea 💡 😊
What do you mean by 'emigrated'? Did you physically relocate to another country; or, did you leave former relationships behind? Thanks.
@@tombo54I read the comment as meaning moving away from a country, rather than departing a relationship. I had to refresh my memory on emigrate vs immigrate. The word immigrant is used when talking about the country moved to. Emigrant is used when talking about the country moved from. Someone is an emigrant when they leave their country of origin and an immigrant when they arrive in their new country.
Edit: I finished listening to the video and realized this commenter was discussing a moving away from relationships and starting anew. It was a huge change to undertake later in life, and I’m happy this person was able to make a change that so many others are too afraid to even try doing.
Understood. Thanks 😅
I'm in my 70s and just realizing some important things about my childhood. More puzzle pieces are falling into place. It doesn't matter how old you are, you can heal yourself
Good luck. 😊😊
This hits hard. I’m still a victim i find. In adult relationships. Self esteem, self worth, boundaries, insecurity, fighting for myself, fear of backlash or repercussions i don’t understand or see coming - all things i have serious difficulties with. And it continues to damage me. Even on my current close but non-romantic friendship relationship with also a beautiful but clearly damaged person (and housemate). There are very very hard moments and/or days.
Good luck. The first step is to recognize there IS a problem. The 2nd step is to figure out WHAT the problem really is. You are on your way. This is a good channel for that. 😊😊
I have really lovely warm parents who created a wonderful childhood generally, but what they did teach me that has been hard to completely overcome is that I was the "easy" child who never had any issues, and that was good because they already had their hands full with my brothers, who are highly gifted and struggled socially and academically. Basically what this taught me is that I should never have a problem or need help, and if I do I'm failing. Still unpacking this with my therapist and with my parents themselves.
Damn. I know someone like this. It's wonderful that you've identified it
@@phhiggins it definitely helps to know the mechanism, both for myself and for the people close to me. Doesn't mean it's never difficult anymore but at least we can talk about how it's happening again, how it makes me and them feel, and figure out together how to deal with it when it arises.
How beautiful and important this is. Thank you The School of Life again.
i think other figures have impacted how my brain got wired during childhood even more than my parents, such as my neighbors, peers, relatives. especially relatives. like, now that i'm in my 20s i can see how a huge part of my negative inner voice was once this aunt's or uncle's outer voice towards me. also, even now that i'm an adult, i can still feel these people whom i didn't choose to be associated with with blood, influencing my self-image and world view. i hate how it's so excruciatingly hard to break free from how a group of toxic people shapes you as a person and you never chose to be born among them.
You talk about the same topics over and over yet you do so in a new way almost every time deepening my understanding of the subject at hand and I appreciate that.
I don’t love myself, and sometimes I feel as if I am unlovable. However, when I look back, I only remember that I was loved by my parents unconditionally. My parents always say: “People miss out if they choose to avoid you,” but often I feel the complete opposite. That I am always on the edge to being left behind because I can’t be loved truly. However those thoughts of mine are toxic, and I need to change that mindset, although it can feel very very real
I feel the same way. I grew up with loving parents and 5 siblings in a great environment. So it’s confusing as to why I have beliefs like yours. I do believe there is such a thing as having too ‘good’ of an environment - basically too sterile. So that once I started school I was put into an environment without my family and that felt too foreign and scary so social anxiety formed. And that anxiety at such a young age created negative false beliefs about myself that are still a core part of me today.
Thoughts aren’t hard to change, beliefs are. And that’s why even though our environment today can be saying positive things like your parents and their quote, the core belief is still there.
I wish I had some tangible help for you but I’m still figuring out how to break those chains. I wish you well and I know you’ll get there 🤝
@@Sheep-- That’s why I think other factors such as your daily environment or past experiences with friendships can have an impact. I haven’t had any lasting friends in my classes in high school. That’s all because my friends excluded me and I felt like I was the problem. Although I have a lot of friends from other classes, I am always anxious that they will leave because I hate myself😅
Moms and dads were also programmed and didn't know how to raise their first kid.. When it gets to their grandchildren, they chill out. Trauma is the past, anxiety is the future, bills, however, still need to be paid.
This is what this wave in human evolution is all about. Ever more dictators are pretty old. Knowing that their game is over once we are aware of this magnificent message. Thank you🍀
This is similar to the questions Tony Robbins has people ask themselves at his Date With Destiny seminar:
.
1. Whose love did you crave the most: your mother or your father? (Not who you loved the most, whose love you CRAVED the most)
2. Using your answer: Who did you have to be in order to receive their love?
.
The odds are likely your answer to question 2 are behavioral patterns you're still repeating today in your relationships. 🙌
That's interesting. My father passed away earlier this month, and I have been grappling with the heaviness of his death. My mother is an alcoholic, so he was my "safe parent." For me to be loved by my father, I had to achieve. Be the captain of the basketball team, score the most points, keep my grades above a 3.5, etc. Then, when tragedy happened to me in college, it was as if his acceptance diminished and it wasn't restored until I was pregnant with my first child.
I've been very angry at my spouse since his death. I think you just helped me figure out why. He doesn't expect me to be an overachiever. He truly wants me to heal. ❤ That's something that I am unfamiliar with, unconditional love.
It would have been nice if they had both been loving.
@@Leo-mr1qz Happy to share Leo. Sometimes the things that irritate us the most about others help lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. 🙂
To take away someone’s voice (essence) is one thing, but to not be able to ‘discover’ it unhindered… I think many are in this spot right now. I only hold great hope + compassion for this new adventure.
♥️
This is so great! I learned as a small child from my family, it wasn't about me, has never been about me, and won't ever be about me. I responded accordingly!
I never found the right answer. I just grew up and gave up finding it sad and unuseful , deciding there will never exist something right, enough or good. Because it wasn't about me.
Thank you for your videos!
I didn't really have to do much to please my parents but still feel like I had to find myself.
The religions, values, and ways of doing things have all been adjusted to fit a new direction for my adult life.
When I don’t know who I am I just look at my drivers license. It even shows where I live!
As toddlers, Kids see their parents as Gods. So anything their parents tell them is the absolute truth even if the parent(s) continually criticise them. This constant negative conditioning throughout their developmental years makes the kid grow up thinking that they are defective & unworthy of love. This is then carried on into adult life and has a life long impact on their self esteem, relationships and success levels.
The one question I’m always asking myself in understanding who I am is wondering why I always end up in situations where I question my life choices right after ordering something during my late night online shopping binges.
My father was always too emotionally unstable and I hid my feelings for years for fear of making him more upset.
My mother lacked the ability to care for her children because of many others reasons. I lacked the warmth and support of either of them and had to soldier on.
Thank you school of life, a few close friends, and therapy.
That was powerful and extremely helpful. Thank you!!!
*What did I have to do? "Be Perfect no matter what."* 😔
unfortunately i don't know how to answer the question, because nothing I did satisfied them or made them pay attention to me. Honor student, good at sport and winning medals, speak 6 languages, tried to self learn to play an instrument since they didn't wanna pay for my lessons, then i tried starving myself, cutting myself, disobeying, never coming home, doing drugs, shaving my hair... nothing made them pay attention. Went back to what I love doing and that is studying, became a doctor. At one point they had epiphanies of their own and told me they were always proud of me but well it's too late. The fucked up life and childhood happened and no therapy is helping much
Excellent, as always. Thank you. The opening lines of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina are something like (based on translation), "All happy families are happy in the same ways. All unhappy families are unhappy in their own, unique ways." The basic components of Freud's ego structure are Id, Ego, and Super Ego. Id is the selfish, unmitigated, unmediated, unrestrained, impulse that wants and needs. It is grounded in the body. Super Ego is roughly the set of "rules" of the culture in which the individual exists. It is grounded in the mind. Super Ego provides the "Master Narrative" for the developing Ego: the hopes, dreams, desires, fears, etc. Super Ego/the Master Narrative is the macrocosm. The individual family within the Master Narrative is the microcosm. I think happy families are those that successfully interpret and negotiate the Master Narrative and teach their children to do the same. Children who are fortunate enough to be raised in families like like this have "healthy Egos" and will, therefore, probably have "happy and successful lives." They have been taught how to control their Id so as to successfully negotiate the Master Ego. Human beings are social creatures. A healthy Ego, then, is roughly the result of achieving a balance between Id and Super Ego. Of course, I am saying all this in very broad strokes, but it is an idea that I have thought about a lot and for a long time, and this general concept makes sense to me. Thank you again, School of Life, for another great post. You guys and gals are the best. : )
We're mere decals of our environment from the very beginning.
And the psychological effect of priming sends us evermore back into the first lines programmed into our mind.
No Way Out !
"You must unlearn, what you have already learned."
I learned to avoid molesters. I'll never unlearn that.
@@f8ofk8 😂 fair enough
@@f8ofk8 jeez
Unlearning something you never learned in the first place is the real deal. 😅
I realized when I was six that I'm never going to please everyone. No matter what I do, some people are going to be happy and some people are going to be unhappy. I've always just focused on being my true self, regardless of what other people think. Most people like my authenticity, but authority figures, including my parents, tend to feel threatened by me. I've been told by many people (psych ward staff members) that my sole purpose in life is to make my parents happy. I reject that notion.
Even if I didn't reject it, my parents absolutely refuse to be happy. I am an optimist living in a family of pessimists. My parents and sister are all 'glass all empty' type people. They seem to believe that that is the only right way to view the world. Overall, I was never 'normal' enough for their tastes. They and many others keep on trying to 'fix' me, usually with psychiatric medication. I'm currently still legally required to take an anti psychotic due to misinformation my parents and various medical professionals keep making up about me and it is not affecting me well.
Jostein Gaarder wrote a fantastic book called Sophies' World which is a kind of dialog between a mysterious unknwon and invisible person and the young Sophie who receive letters with questions in her mailbox. One of the question Sophie has received is 'Who are you?'
'It follows Sophie Amundsen, a Norwegian teenager, who is introduced to the history of philosophy as she is asked "Who are you?" in a letter from an unknown philosopher.'
Reading this book can help.
What did my parents expect of me? Ouch! I think they just wanted me to love life mostly. Be enthusiastic about the right things, have a sense of humour, get an education and to 'do my best' at things I considered worthy. Oh, and to stay out of trouble. A rather fair and well-adjusted set of expectations, I'd say. And easy enough to meet.
Do we have control of what appears in our conciousness?
This to me might be the most important question for ourselves and life in general
Did you have control over being born? Of your skin color, hair color, eye color?
We have control over whether to believe the thoughts that enter our consciousness. Our 'personality' has parts that contain aspects of every situation we have found ourselves in. If there is trauma from one or more of those situations the part that relates to that situation often takes control out of fear of reliving that situation again. This is the origin of many anxiety & personality disorders.
We as a species have two interesting aspects that if not controlled takes over the flight pattern of our existence. The first is that we are easily programmable. The first seven or so years of our life we live in this programmable aspect so we can learn the language and norms of the society we find ourselves in. If we feel comfortable and purposeful at the end of this time period it closes for the most part. But if we do not feel confident in our ability to survive often that programmable period can go on into adulthood.
The second is that we have an add ictive personality disorder that can and often does for some people take over their life purpose. If we are self aware or train ourselves to be self aware we can control our thoughts or the ability to not believe all of them. Negative thoughts about ourselves are most often from an out of control Ego which is designed to keep us safe. The counter to the Ego is the intellect which comes online a few seconds after the Ego and if we train ourselves to wait for the intellect to kick in before reacting we can save ourselves a lot of unnecessary drama and hardships. So yes we can control what appears in our conscious minds. However if often takes discipline and dedication to be able to do so.
Why?
@@cyrus6379 because it becomes obvious that we have no free will, and that has important implications for ourselves and society.
But like this other person said, you can still train how you respond to thoughts and make alot of progress in life with a better EQ
My first thought was
"You don't need to do anything, be lazy and keep watching on your phone."
However, once I went past the age of 9 years old, did issues come to me, on top of moving to a country with less monetary opportunities, putting extra stress in my parents,
So they slowly stopped supporting what I did, I found it wrong that they were angry at me for something I did all the time without previous problems, I got fed up, cycle repeats, not doing chores, them berating me over what I am, repeating what I kept on doing.
That's what it is, I at least know what could be wrong, I want to grow up and do even basic things around the house, however, they're too used to seeing me as rather useless sometimes, so they make it difficult to make myself move on from that, see ya.
Okay, I'll take a shot at this, as everyone else has.
I needed to be normal.
To not be so afraid of everything, including just going down a slide.
To learn emotions are deceiving.
To have emotional control.
To think before speaking and acting.
To have a more rational and psychological well mind.
To truly understand there is very little we can control.
To be more social, to truly understand that is way the world works.
To develop determination, to not give up so quickly.
To develop resiliency, for that is how high achievers get anything done.
To know that structure and discipline in every aspect is not the enemy ... laziness and fear are your proper enemies.
To know and understand that structure and discipline are the other things that make high achievers .. not "talent" or "gifts".
To know that fantasy, faerie tales, imagination, dreams, and daydreams are illusions and anchors that would tie me down, that would keep me living and developing as a human being.
To see them as a crutch that would turn into a wheelchair if I was not careful.
To learn that taking responsibility and accountability with things is more right than wrong, even when it does not feel that way.
I can keep going on with my failures to learn and become anything more than a creature of flesh and bone, but I will stop and end the point with this one ...
To learn how to grow the hell up and be a proper gentleman.
How did I do? Did I cover a lot? Did I uncover this "wounded, inner child?"
Well, clearly most of these are not terrible, although I'd question a couple. It's mostly in the way something is delivered to be fair, not the idea in itself. Being yelled at because you cry at some kid being horrible to you and being told to stop being a wuss and being terrified to show emotions from then on is very different to being taught that other people say horrible stuff because that's how some people are and you don't have to let it affect you and teaching you some reslience and esteem. As an ex-therapist, from experience I'd say often the clue to whether these messages affected you adversely is whether you genuinely really like yourself and get on well with other people as an adult, especially in intimate relationships or if you give yourself a hard time and struggle to connect with others. Obviously the latter suggesting that all isn't as rosy as you may think.
My first thought was
"Don't do anything, they love you already as a lazy child on the bed :)"
Then, I realized that a good part of my problems were my fault
Oof
thanks so much for this. I've watched so many videos and had so much therapy to try and uncover more clues about my psyche and how to live more authentically. this short video gave me a brand new insight that I'm eager to explore with my therapist. I really appreciate your insightful questions.
Brilliant!! I migrated almost 30 years ago, I missed home sometimes, but when I go back is the same old same old with my dad.
I think the thesis needs refinement. For as long as I can remember my parents didn't really register for me--or factor that largely into my mental bandwidth . I was in my own world. My mother just seemed approving, and my father just did his own thing. For my father, I just needed to stay on the right side of his rules. But it didn't feel to me like I sought their approval at all, really. I was probably more interested in peers--but perhaps not even that. I had an amazing childhood. It was rich in friendship, exploration, and pursuing my own curiosity.
Great video as always! Every time I see your videos, it always gives me something to think about, usually it's something that I realize I need to unpack sooner or later. But like most things emotional-related that happens in my life, it's usually later rather than sooner. My parents have a temper. And if I get upset, that sets them off even more. So I learn to contain all of it. I can't afford to feel, I have to go to school, or to work. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I fear that taking down one brick will be enough to break the entire dam, and I fear that I have a lot of anger that just...have been buried. I don't want to know what happens. But I have to. Sooner or later.
I love Alain, his voice is immediately soothing
How can you put this much wisdom in a 3 min video?
How much do you have that 3 min representation of it contains such a great concentration of wisdom?
I think the 1 of the main things that influences what kind of person somebody becomes. Is where their desire for control lies. Weather it be desire to control others, yourself, situations around you or things. Once these categories are separated I think you would find many of the same kind of people in the same category.
This really made me pause and think. Thank you, I have some self-reflection to do.
You must imagine that's the worst conundrum of childhood. Instead of parents to please, you may have parents you need to hide from.
Exactly. It was an insane asylum and I had to stay away. I never knew what he wanted. Maybe he just could care less.
I'd love to live inside Allan's brain at least for a day 🤍 I bet it'd be so healing ❤ Love this videos🤍 true food for thought. Thank you, the school of life ❤
A wise person once said the purpose of life is to overcome/integrate the challenges/trauma of a dysfunctional upbringing and a dysfunctional society.
The more psychologically unhealthy a person is, the less that that person can perceive these issues at the base of their being.
That's so true
I’m so glad that gentle parenting is more the norm today than it was in our childhood and I hope to instill nothing but good to my daughter.
first word that came to mind after hearing that question was 'behave', but really I didn't have to do anything, which is why I never had to try
Wow, those noses at the end in different colours! So wonderfully creative and delicate. I sometimes feel guilty for not always noticing all the details that indicate the deep thought and time that has gone into making these outstanding videos which always support the gentle messages, thank you!
This is brilliant. Killing me softly. Well done.
I just got this exact thought today when I was digging some dirt at my greenhouse
I love and have learned so much from this channel. My wish, however, is that the film would be allowed to finish before the advertising ruins the artistry of the video.
Wow... This straight up doesn't apply to me.
I'm so saddened so many people had parents like that.
My parents just loved me. They weren't perfect, they made mistakes, but they just loved me. They still love me.
My parents helped me buy my house a couple decades ago, my dad helped my brother buy a car a few years ago.
My parents supported and cared for us. Imperfectly, surely, but thoroughly.
My mom and dad wanted me to be a smiling emotional punching bag for my mom. That resulted in self-hatred that even decades of expensive therapy hasn’t been able to lessen.
This isn't who you are. This is who some else told you who you are. Who you actually are runs much deeper than this.
If self-help worked, the world would be vastly different than it is.
What a great video again! To the heart of the matter! ❤
I really try to make sure my child knows he is unconditionally loved, while at the same time teaching boundaries around behaviour. I want to have a good relationship with him mostly. Obviously I want him not to struggle in life and do well, but mostly I want him to feel able to tell me what’s going on for him. Honestly I’m always second guessing myself and tell myself that I’m doing my best and will pay for the family therapy when he’s older so he can tell me everything I got wrong 🤦♀️
Thank you!
So true about family having more effect than culture. There is more variation within the populations than between the populations.
One of your best. Well done.
In my broken family it was less about support and approval but more about not getting scolded. So this lesson only applies to those that did not grow up in a broken family.
Okay i'll take this chance to think about these things
1) what did I need to do?
Follow EXACT instructions as they were MEANT to be told and not as they were said
. There was a slight skew towards a lack of understanding of my conception of the instructions
. I didn't exactly find it very daunting, just slightly disappointing. I think I was naturally good at extrapolating other's goals
. It may be following me as I, myself, lack the understanding of "why can't people understand that we need this done by the weekend since I sent it via email a while ago" obviously not sending a message or talking to them about it (these last two options would've showed me more input on why they can't or won't do it in a much faster way)
Focus on my safety and doubt the intentions of strangers
. This one is fairly straightforward and I think an overall good thing although it was overly represented which may or may not have ruined my trust in "the best intentions"
. It's also important to note that my family was the type to bash the remaining of the family in their absence, and as a neutral member it saddened me so now even as I feel mistreated or unfairly judged, I still think about the possible situations that lead to that rather than blame the person
. I'm not very adventurous but I don't have a good sense of danger because I've always been in safety
Restrain myself if I am doing too much of something
. Let's just say girly has a lot of attachment issues; with objects, myself, people, goals...etc
. It was a requirement mainly because as a kid I was annoying, as all kids are, and I used to love brushing my aunty's hair in all weird typa creative things. My mom got annoyed since I wasn't showing signs of getting tired lol and it stayed with me because she got angry angry😂
2) so then what?
I don't know... I'll post it to read it out more openly then think about it
i think of this often, im overly conscious of being judged and absolutely terrified of conflict. and i know that it roots back to how my family was, they wanted an obedient child that never embarrassed them, and that obedient child never got to say what they actually wanted. it is very difficult for me to know what i want or make even seemingly simple decisions .
but as a 21 year old i don't feel it's very satisfying to just blame everything on my parents, they are just people at the end of the day, both too busy with work and occupied with the next hurdle tryina keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, and i am now an adult after all i always feel like a big part of the blame is on me because i never really fought back their authority, i gave into it to stay safe, i was terrified of them getting angry at me, to the point that i completely erased myself deep down just to escape momentarily uncomfort.
and another thing is, even now that i am aware of this, genuinely how am i supposed to get better? how am i supposed to stop being scared, no matter how i try to intellectualize these fears, i understand their roots, and where they came from, but i am still weak, i still have a very hard time making decisions, i cant fully connect with people because i am deeply afraid of being seen, this has ruined so many relationships for me, i cant open up even when i know why i cant open up. i cant seem to see a solution
Thank you 🙏
They didn't demand anything from me. And I never pushed the boundaries enough to find if there ever was a limit.
My life is many times better than their lives. More adventure, education, success, money.... Is this lack of demands a problem?
Uncertain if this inquiry will be noticed in one such a manner as to instigate a response, but...
What if, for some reason unbeknownst to you, you have barely any memory of your childhood (all time before the age 14)? Almost as if the entirety of it had occurred in a mere week- what would be a present-day sum of cascading, countable imagery, on top of which, no memory of unpleasant events lay present-well, none starkly notable aside from the typical grievances as associated with the early youth of the one extricated from the care to take note of reality's response to their aspirations.
To have one's ability praised early in life and to believe in that praise as a mark of unfettered capacity, positive reinforcement as it were, done excessively. How likely rests the claim that one such an individual treated as so will eventually disintegrate into a hub of dissatisfaction and self-loathing?
(Pardon the relative disjunction of thoughts explicated and/or alluded to)
I admire how great your grammar is, honestly I'd love to hear answers for your question, so in hopes that someone who does know, I'm bumping this
Barely any memory? Sounds weird. Well anyway, adversities are commonplace for every single lifeform, and the better you can handle them or be prepared for them, the better you can carry yourself through life. Anyone can train themselves to handle adversity. Some parents obsess over safety, which can actually turn detrimental to the development of a child, sure. Kids need some form of adversity IMO. Actually, I used to think that any adult person could benefit from a near-death-experience, just to give them some perspective, but it doesn't need to be that extreme. You can clearly see what excess entitlement does to people.
Thank you.
My mother despised me so there was no love there. My father loved me but was always away at work. We moved all the time. Sometimes up to 4 times a year. The only thing I still continue to do from my childhood is argue and defend the weak.
I emigrated from my father when I understood he would not change, and I had to accept that. And I emigrated from my mother when I understood she would never be pleased, and would endlessly ask me to be/do something.
Wow... so profoundly brilliant...
I'm proudly the opposite that my parents would like me to be, in spite of the deep wounds they caused in me.
To please my father I needed to get him a beer and stay out of the way of television. For my mother, it was just stay out of jail. So I'm not sure this applies to me. My siblings were all delinquent dropouts. So I basically raised myself.
"You have to be rich and successful and good-looking and aren't allowed to feel or express any emotions around anyone. You're also not allowed to question your parents or your brothers. You're supposed to think for yourself, but if you don't do what we tell you to do, you'll be punished. Youre supposed to be successful, but you can't do anything and your family thinks better than you. You have to ignore your physiological needs, otherwise you're lazy and going to get kicked out. It doesn't matter what condition you have."
Thank you for these clear and meaningful questions
There’s a counter argument that says we’re adults and we have to stop blaming our past, especially our parents, for our current state. This counter argument can create a false promise that we can prosper by ignoring our past and can only be considered after we confront the facts they we’ve frequently buried. There’s real work involved in becoming as independent as possible of our past, understanding ourselves, moving bravely forward, and living a full and gratifying life.
Loneliness started in early childhood for me.
Its nearly always been rhe same.
Whether i have people in my life or not loneliness is always there.
I know my mum always said how she had always felt lonely.
She lived to 80 finally dying in january.
Im nearly 56 and have never managed to find prolonged happiness or companionship.
I hate myself i don't want to be alive. I long for death and try to induce it through my poor physical health.
It will soon get to the point forcing death has to be done.
I dont want to end up like mum with dementia, frail, scared and confused.
Loneliness has taken all hope and all desire for life from me.
Thank you:)
This is absolutely brilliant
At impulse I'd answer: Nothing. Which I find not good at all because I never learned to overcome difficulties and achieve something on my own.
But then I remember other, more subtle things. My brothers were fighting for years, while I had to be the sweet one, the mediator that everyone likes. My dad comes from a very musical family and he kinda expected his kids to pick up an instrument as effortlessly as him Which resulted in none of us ever mastering an instrument. My parents always said they have no expectations whatsoever but when I didn't use my degree and never anticipated to become a great doctor or scientist, they suddenly were a little disappointed.
I guess I have more things to work up than I thought.
In order to win my parents' approval these days, they want me to be president of Yemen. I'm a white, Christian, American...
Who you are is what you believe. Be a seeker of truth to become what you were born to be.
I have trouble trying to remember those conditions of love with my parents... in fact I recall so little from my childhood in general. Maybe it's a defense mecanism because I don't really want to remember them...
thank you
I feel right now that my parents wanted me not to exist. My presence around them to be 0. They just provide me food and that’s all. I never felt loved.
My parents sent me out of the nest without any formal education. And there i was, out in the bad world, unprepared, at the bottom of the ladder, not knowing my arsh from my elbow. Somehow, i struggle through the minefield, trying to improve my situation by working my ass of. But along that journey, i knew i must return to school. And so i did, taking night classes. I took two years, but, i succeeded in getting my Leaving Cert. It was only during that time, that it came home to me, that most family's of my generation did not understand, that education was the a way to break the cycle of ignorance. Even doe my story is obvious to reader's, Its, only when u sit down to study, that you realise how tuff it is. And yet its so vitial. Because, no two children are the same.
I feel like I am nothing since I've lost everyone in my life. They are all in the past, and I am left alone for the future. And it was as if my identity lied in who I hang out with. And as soon as these people disappeared and I had to stand on my own legs completeley, then I know longer knew who I was. I need to find who I am without thinking that I am someone only when I have a certain set of people in my life. My identity shouldn't be based on who I hang out with.
There is literally nothing I can do to gain other people's support or approval. People have made my alienation part of their identities; trying to change their minds is interpreted as attempts at murder.
Emigrate. 😊 Actually, I did. Not just from the suffocating expectations, but I also literally self-exiled from the country. It made all the difference.
They said Ghana and i looked over...boyake is pronounced Bowachey...Thx for making me feel included
Small correction: Boakye = /bo-a-CHI/ (twas so cool to hear Ghana in there! 🫶🏾)
I needed to agree with them.
Thanks Freud
I had a good long think about those questions. My mum and dad didn’t live together, but neither of them gave me any long term grievances. However, now that I’m in my own republic with a wife and two kids, I feel stifled by some of the unwritten laws. Interesting.