the worst part is when you carefully explain what you actually feel or intend, thinking that this will clarify the misunderstanding - only for people to assume that you're exaggerating, being dramatic, or trying to manipulate them!
This puts into eloquent words what I've been trying to explain to my husband. I tell him I feel like I can't even say anything because anything I say is another chance to be misunderstood or to be contradicted.
@@jelatinosa it makes it even more difficult when that person is likely trying to sabotage and willfully misunderstand you anyway. Whether they are or aren't doesn't matter to them, if you call them out, its more cannon fodder.
@@jelatinosa LOL even trying to say thank you to certain people will make them yell accuse you of starting a problem. Like one guy I was trying to see good in that I felt was being rude towards me but others were telling me I was not seeing the little things so tried to find any small thing to be thankful for even if it was a far stretch you can't win if people chose to misunderstand you. There are people out there that if you come off awkward that will remain polite and try to understand.
I have a hard time because I either don’t laugh at jokes, even when I find them funny, I just don’t see the need to verbally laugh. OR I end up laughing at inappropriate times.
I tend to lightly laugh at every joke without thinking just so the person speaking feels validated and accepted, but because of that I often validate the absolutely wrong type of jokes ☠️
I know a girl who is sooooooo incredibly funny but all that comes out when she makes an incredibly fast repartee (we talking Robin Williams level of fast and funny) all that comes out of me is “hehe” but I laugh about it for weeks to come lol
adhd but similar problem, like i can't laugh out loud if my brain is in another place while someone is being funny i still respond to what they're saying as if it's serious.... then they'll explain it was a joke and I'm like "yes, I know, (but anyways)..."
I've had people call me "condescending" because I overexplain as a result of constant communication issues. I experience a lot of the things you've described here, and overexplaining was my solution, and that just created new problems. It's so frustrating and distressing. Thank you for this.
Right! I can’t help it if you, an English speaker using the same dialect as me, can’t understand me when I speak in the absolutely plain colloquial English we all speak who were raised here. Not even proper academic language can get someone to understand when they don’t want to. I’ve been called condescending so much I’m just like, “maybe so…it seems that most people are idiots so…” and the their nasty looks are for a reason instead of being based on their own assumptions about me. 😹
I have noticed that people often don't listen to what is being said. They listen only long enough to feel confident making an assumption and then they react/respond to their assumption. It's so confusing and frustrating because I try to choose my words very carefully too.
@@t.a.4356 We all fall short at times with not listening long enough, however, I also know that there are many times that people who do not have ADHD, Autism, Etc. may miss the point in which one may be trying to make for the way we words statements may not make sense to them. Yet, that does not mean one who is Autistic, ADHD, Etc. cannot have conversations with those without such DSM5 diagnostics.
language is only a veneer to communication. The majority of communication for all animals, not just humans, is body language and pheromones. Not picking up on these is abnormal in the entire animal kingdom, not just human society. Normal people can understand what's being said before it has been fully said. It's not mind reading, nor empathy. It's basic attention.
Your filters and assumptions are outright wrong. Normies are bad at communicating and drive each other crazy and dont care enough to better themselves then expect neurodivergent people to do soulsearching just so they can ignore the real issue about their inability to listen without applying their poor and wrong assumptions
Thank you! My son is dating a young woman who I suspect is autistic. She is lovely but misses social cues and has therefore attracted some criticism from other relatives (which I have found rude). You have helped me understand some things I can do to help her feel welcome and accepted. You are absolutely a beautiful person worth knowing!
Something I can say from personal experience is literally just ask questions if you're ever unsure. As long as you're genuine and actually are willing to hear them out on something, no matter how "rude" it may seem at first glance, it's highly unlikely it will come across as offensive. I think I can confidently speak for most of us in saying all we want is for people to *try* and understand, as well as to not judge us for the things we can't control about ourselves. That alone can honestly be incredibly healing. More than likely we know that it's just as difficult for you to understand us as it is for us to understand you, so simply hearing a genuine question can show us that you're actually trying instead of just judging. We don't need you to understand us 1 for 1, just knowing you're trying is usually enough, because we're trying too. ...Also to clarify...I use "us" and "them" extremely loosely here. I'm simplifying so it's easier to understand what I'm saying, not in an attempt to turn this into "Us vs Them" as that's not productive.
So much beauty is missed by the rigidity of typical society. I'm actually a happy person. But I guess they may never know. Thanks for your flexibility. May their relationship be beautiful. All the best.
I think that allistic people view explanations as excuses. That is, they view people explaining themselves as trying to absolve them of having done something wrong. Rather than us who are literally just confused and want mutual understanding.
Yep, i always go into the rabbit hole explaining everything in detail, bc i like to do that, its like somekind of selfreflection (idk) and end up looking stupid when i explain something wrong. I should just ignore it like normal people but i'm just not like that
The over-expressive and under-expressive autism point was so interesting to me. I feel like I had the opposite problem. Unless I'm tired or spacing out, I'm incredibly expressive and animated to the point where it would get me snickers. I always felt like I had to 'tone myself down' and seem more stoic so people could see that I'm also a dignified intellectual who they can't easily get a rise out of. God, accurate self-portrayal is HARD.
This is me. I'm a bunch of extremes. I'm super super expressive and it's just *a lot* for people so I tend to feel like I'm constantly muted and filtered
I have this problem so bad even when alone sometimes I need the devil's lettuce to fully unmask. It's like I have an excuse now to be my full self. My "filter" is off. It's not a filter darling it is my mask that is suffocating me!! Even when I am alone this fucking internalized ableism is still haunting me. The irony is that I feel like I have such a fool/joker personality that the real me looks like performance but really it is the quiet me that is the most grueling exhausting depressing performance ever
That thought literally crossed my mind a few days ago during a "misunderstanding" (that evolved into an argument) in a group. After that, I just decided to leave the group.
This is what I never understood about kids that bullied me in school. I'd act like them and do the same things they were into, I'd get bullied anyway, just like when I did my own thing. It made no sense. I changed what they picked on me for, and I still got their shit anyway. I learned the issue isn't me, but everyone else.
@@BeautyMarkRush when you explain that you were joking about something and not being literal, and then they tell you that you're not owning your shit, and to admit that you were wrong
@@bobsaggater3454 yea, that's not what happened back then, but I can remember at least a dozen of times a joke "went wrong" like that, so I understand exactly where you're coming from. Actually, that's the reason why I've started to try to force myself to stop joking with people I don't know/trust. Even with those people, I still ask myself if they'll get the joke or not.
I am a 53 year old guy. This video blew my mind. You are describing my life. I have wasted so much energy wondering why people are so put off with my conversation. I can and have easily blamed myself and have been deeply depressed (inside) for years and have asked for help but seemingly there's no help to be had. Nobody seems to even want to understand. Your video has made my day a little brighter, thank you. ❤😊
I'm 39 years old and this girl is literally in my head reading my life's history of thoughts and things I've tried explaining to other people..... at least it feels that way.
@@acapellaawakeninghow do you guys find the strength to live a life and take care of yourselves despite being misunderstood? Genuinely asking because my experience is driving me nuts
The part when you mentioned how you don’t “look” friendly or just seem rude and snobby because the lack of facial expression…I get it. I’ve been told that I have RBF and my own mother even said that because I’m too quiet or refuse to talk to people I barely know makes me seem “snobby” or “rude”. We have to conform to a neurotypical society while putting in tons more effort to appear “normal”. It’s never about being “authentically yourself” it’s about making people comfortable with you because we’re the “problem”. I finally feel seen and understood. Thank you ❤
The people who harp on about being yourself and that nobody is ugly, those are red flags. What they really mean is that they will be themselves and they are not ugly. Play frame it outwards when they don't actually intend it, it's like reverse projection.
Definitely! I'm not snobby or rude most of the time. I don't have a reason to be. That said I also usually don't have a reason to talk to people randomly unless it's just a way to genuinely check how others around me are doing. If someone sends fine or alright, I don't feel the need to bother them! 😂
I came here to tell the story of a girl who I had a college class with who told me "You know, when I first met you , you looked like you would be really mean, but now that I've been around you, you're really sweet." 😂 Girl really just told me I have resting b■tch face, lol. After that I thought back, and knowing that's how I was perceived made a lot of things make sense that didn't in the past. I wish somebody would have just freakin told me I had RBF, I had to be in f■cking college before I even knew! Anyway, I see you already had described a situation about RBF, so it's apparently pretty common.
Man that's tough, people tell me i come off as passive-agressive, while i changed my behavior because they told me before i was "aggresive-agressive". I don't mean to, i'm just trying to tell the truth.
I've been told again and again people find me "intimidating" or aloof. But half the time I'm masking sensory shit or compartmentalizing. Also recently realized that it's a social norm to infer based on what is not being said and I don't do that well.... At all. Proof positive i can do but proof negative immediately feels like projection and I discard it unless I'm reading media instead of people. But then people make snap judgements based on that inference. But I'm just like wait how do you do that and account for assumptions and uncertainty factors?... They don't....😮 The fact that this communication works at all is a mystery but the fact that I keep being asked what i really mean indicates I'm the outlier.🙃
People think I am either a genius or an idiot. The truth is neither, but no one has any idea what I am about - try as I might. Thank you for this video.
I tried the precise articulation to avoid being misunderstood that you are describing. The people listening to me had never heard that sophisticated vocabulary before. They looked words up in a dictionary after I left, and told me about it later. They concluded that I was deliberately showing off how literate I am and deliberately trying to make them feel stupid. 🤦🏼♀️ I learned that when someone has decided to not like you, they will invent more reasons not to like you. It’s best to get as far away from them as possible and go find other people; someday, you’ll get lucky and find your people. Keep looking.
This same thing happened to me! Only in my case she started crying in front of me. She never did believe that I wasn’t making her feel dumb on purpose. I use limit vocabulary now. The plus side, is I’m really good at explaining complex topics to kids.
Lol I've been accused many times of showing off and "using big words", but I'm literally just trying to communicate as effectively as possible. A lot of times I'm like, "THAT'S a big word? I learned that in 3rd grade.. and so did you."
When they try that big word bs on me, I just let them know that I speak that way because I think that way and that I shouldn’t have to dumb myself down for the benefit of illiterates. They are attempting to be dismissive and I don’t let the get away with it. Good thing for me I don’t have to be popular 🤣🤣🤣.
I'm not autistic. But as a scapegoat, I feel you. I just gave up... I'm 31 yo woman. I have no family no friends no nothing. Nobody understands me and nobody wants to listen. Because I don't want to "mask" anymore. The last time I talked to another person was more than a year ago. It's so weird a lot of things you said resonate me. Waiting here for people to listen.. I don't want to prove myself anymore. It's exhausting.
Hey, I don't know you but you COULD be autistic, seeing as a lot of things Morgan said resonated with you. Maybe you should look into it some more, nothing bad could come of it and if you realise that you are in fact autistic then it will (hopefully) be so amazing and validating for you. It is estimated that over half of actually autistic people are undiagnosed! It's crazy! Particularly women were missed because autism was originally studied in males and often presents differently in females. I've had an autistic friend my whole life who had pointed out autistic traits that I have but I never thought I ACTUALLY could be because I didn't even know getting "missed" from diagnosis as a young child was even a thing. When I discovered the above statistic, I started researching autism intensely and realised eventually that I am autistic at age 14.
As a 57 yr old Audhd woman. I have often had the same thoughts. Alistics, often come to a conversation expecting something else behind our words , or behaviors.... Expecting motives. The fact that we are honest and blunt, we say exactly what we mean, confuses them. They try to figure out what we "really" mean.... When we just told them. Their indirect communication style is the issue.
Kinda feel like key are the ones who are always deceptive or duplicitous and don't know how to communicate in a straightforward manner. Maybe they should learn from us and start communicating like civilized people. 😆
@@AngryTenko yes, I had friends before. lots of them, but in the end I felt everybody was some kind of psychopath and then I understood it was me, I don't understand why it is ok to say one thing but meant something else.
I am undiagnosed and so not sure if I'm autistic, but this issue of decoding others' hidden meanings is absolutely representative of my lived experience. I can't tell you how many times I'll have a conversation with my mother about a family event and she has made up five different stories about what a certain person "meant" (but didn't say). She'll get all worked up. It's like we went to a different party. I have never understood why people don't just say what they mean. Half the time, people get offended because of something I didn't even say! "But you meant X," they'll say. "Did I say X?" I'll ask. "No," they'll admit. "If I said Y, I meant Y, not X." Honestly, what even is this? Why is everyone speaking in code all the time? Why say one thing when you mean another? I don't get it at all.
@@sircharlesmormont9300 The explanation is within Game Theory and Economics. There could be other fields. If you let everyone else know everything about you, you enter their mind, they can control you. You obey them. Talking is a form of submission. If you like show X, then they create a spinoff, you'd dislike it at first, but you know you'd like it eventually, that's psychological economics. This is why Stoicism and Taoism is so important.
I'm a contradicting autistic, which is probably why I've gone sooooo long being undiagnosed. I can lack expression or have too much, I can be quiet or I can be too talkative. I can want to go out or want to stay in, I can like routine or abhor it, articulate or a mess at a loss for words. Order and chaos. I don't know how it works!!
@@CompanionBeansI'm self diagnosed AuDHD and.... yeAH! My ADHD self overstimulates my autistic self and I believe this is why we get so LOST in the mental health care system. It can look like bipolar. You're hyper focusing and getting LOADS done then you burn out... It can look like BPD because the ADHD makes emotions very hard to control and being misunderstood is just so heartbreaking when you find someone who you believe is the only person who will put up with you they can look like a "favorite person" I wonder how many of us are still just... lost. I'm lost but at least I have a map I'm learning to read. I guess we just have to keep spreading the word like the religious!!!
Hi Morgan, a bit of advice from a ‘much’ older neurodivergent auntie… If you can, get involved in things that let you interact with people from outside your normal circle - different age groups, different interests, different nationalities, different first languages, classes learning something new with other newbies. Those are circumstances in which everyone has to do a little ‘translating’ for clear communication anyway and it requires everyone to exert effort for clarity and relationship. Relationships I’ve made in those circumstances have been the most rich and long-lasting of my life.
Interesting, I find that as a child I always felt more comfortable with adults than other children even if the adults didn't know what to do with that. Also I find that I tend to get on with foreigners more, I think because they already have to translate?
This is so true and such good advice! I always struggled with communication with extroverts in my groups at work. When we began working with offshore consultants I often found myself just naturally slipping into the role of "translator". For one, I had very little trouble with understanding different accents. I feel like it's just a matter of having the patience to listen? I also seemed to have a knack for rephrasing something and then asking the speaker if they could elaborate. Many of the offshore folks could do the same for me. I guess it's all related to having been so easily misunderstood all my life.
@@AriMacneilyes!!!! I just posted similar comments below. And throughout my adult life, I've always had more of a natural rapport with people at least 10 years older than me.
@@lorilimper5429if it was just about "patience to listen" things would be different. For a no ND person it takes huge amount of energy to communicate w a ND person - who explains. Theory of mind plus emotional empath aren t just automatic actions. It s mechanisms who require so much energy that humans don t have it. They ll burn out ultimately. Or it s what happened to me idk if i m some unique case. I could be a friend w a ND person & it was one of the most fullfiling -real friendships i had. But that s bcs most ppl nowdays are narcissistic= superficial, don t care to invest time/energy to know anyone (w same brain wiring that things are easier). If we were romantically involved i would just had run out of energy, i d had end up w health issues. I m 40yo & i dealt w so different ppl all my life (my parents PD so it took me years to realise my normal. & i m sick as i didn t search to fullfill my emotional needs (w ppl who perceive them in my way). If u want to express yourselves i understand it. But egoentricity bcs it s autism & the rest that follow, the bubble & continuing to live inside isn t helpful. Ppl are good+bad & societies define the values w whom ppl live. & the last century is "The cetury of the self". Check if u want Fromm s "Sane society". I mean what you face isn t a NT thing but sick s NT. (& i m not NT i just value the objective truth)
❤ so true! I’ve lived overseas for a decade now n I credit this life change to opening me up to understanding myself better and ultimately discovering I’m not bad or broken. I’m autistic.
Lol "overthinking!" That one annoys me so much. I do overthink sometimes when anxious, but its actually a processing deficit. I am not thinking at all when I can't process... I am just trying to work it out. Allistics confuse the two
I'm a high school teacher, I teach English as a foreign language. I love your channel and watch every one of your videos to educate myself about neurodiversity. I want to be able to understand my students, who maybe don't realise they are autistic, I'm trying to assume competence and not judge them because you make me realise that they may struggle a lot. I've gone through a lot of literature but nothing gave me more understanding than videos like yours, explaining "from the inside". Keep doing this great work. ❤😊
That's very kind of you to look out for your students! Im certain that if you do have any ND students, they surely appreciate the effort your putting in lots because I would!
As an Autistic parent, I found myself explaining Autism to the Special Education teachers, because they didn't know anything about Autism! Having to translate myself and my child into terms they could grasp was exhausting.
That's really good from you. There are really some mean teachers out there that do the opposite, it's like if they enjoy to traumatize kids and teens with words. You can make the difference.
This hits waaaaay close to home. My biggest trauma is when people misunderstood me completely and didn't tell anything, only for me to find out years later because someone else told me.
Yep, I hear so much about myself from other people that I don't even know who I am anymore. Am i this senstive person who's trying to look out for everyone else or am I really this monster that everyone says I am behind my back. It's very confusing.
I never thought of myself as a bad communicator, but I just realized how exhausting it is. Always. "I am draining all of my energy and all of my social battery just to please other people and make other people feel comfortable around me."
Diagnosed ADHD, possibly undiagnosed ASD. You make so much sense to me; like you're speaking my native language. The main reason I think I may have ASD is that I keep encountering diagnosed people and they make so much sense to me, whereas most other people are so goddamn confusing. Like the constant lying for "politeness" and projecting their bizarre thoughts and alien emotions onto me, stuff I don't and probably can't do. They think I'm trying to climb some kind of imaginary pecking order that I don't perceive and wouldn't care about even if I did (which seems to enrage people who do care about it). I was once accused of trying to poison people at a pot-luck, a situation of pure imagination that was immediately completely dis-proven, and I still couldn't tell you why (probably because I didn't make the right face or do the correct eye contact). No such thing happened, there was no poison, no one got sick, no evidence of any kind, no crimes were committed; it was a thing of pure imagination. I couldn't even imagine imagining such a thing. The baseless accusation of attempted murder (or whatever they were imagining) kind of psychologically broke me. I spent 30 years mutilating my outward persona and behavior to try to conform (hiding my rocking and pacing, forcing eye contact and facial expressions is excruciating and exhausting) and that's where it got me. The only people I talk to now turn out to be neurodivergent or have a friend group that is half neurodivergent. I'm as isolated as possible from unknown neurotypical people who aren't immediate family.
@@Emeraldstardust444 Yup, I also went down the hypermobility to ADHD to ASD self diagnosis to official diagnosis pipeline. Wasn't diagnosed officially till my late 40's, but as soon as I got into a community with a lot of neurodivergent people in it, I realised that suddenly I understood and was BEING understood so much better than in mainstream company. It was a huge epiphany. Making peace with the conditions going un noticed and undiagnosed by so many health care providers and mental health workers and family is a work in progress, but at least I now KNOW why I always feel like an alien among humans.
I'm also not diagnosed w ASD but STRONGLY suspect I have it, and SAME. For the life of me I cannot get ANYONE to understand me and they get so upset even though I'm trying to explain to them I just CAN'T communicate like them!!! I can't just force myself to talk in the same specific, confusing way average ppl do and it's so exhausting and lonely. I find myself relating more to diagnosed autistics than neurotypicals and I really want to get assessed so I can actually get taken seriously and not getting yelled at just bc I literally don't see things the same way as everyone else. Not even my own PARENTS understand that I just CAN'T THINK OR ACT LIKE THEM no matter how much I tell them!!
haha i know this i can tell you they cant Imagine is the Problem... you took ritalin or Something for adad? ... i Imagine some people only exist in this ritalin overdose tunnel existance
Something I heard recently that made so much sense - "allistic people hear explanations as excuses". So yes it does make them angrier. They think we're not taking responsibility for our rudeness; when, in fact, we're not responsible for it any more or less than they are
@@IgnoreMeImWrongCorrect. It is the bizzare and impossible to predict nonsensical interpretations of the initial behaviour that are the problem. Once, there was peace and pleasant communication. Then, there was hatred and anger in response to goodwill and friendship. Who introduced evil to this world?
What annoys me the most is they ask a question, you start explaining and they cut you off midsentence with some petty insult or 'youre making excuses'. Why even ask if they dont want to listen
I've been conforming so hard since such a young age that now I'm too hyperfocused and attuned to facial expressions, the emotions of others, and actively acting upon my empathetic reads. I spend so much energy constantly worrying about how everyone else is doing and what I need to do to make things easier for them that I never take care of myself.
I used to be like that until I stopped caring I can't figure out social cues and don't understand them but only some of the time I am the way I am and if someone has an issue with that then that's on them I can't control how someone else is going to be only how I react in a situation social cues are hard to grasp so I often tell people when I meet them that I don't understand them and if they have an issue with me or anything I say then they can tell me so I can work on the problematic behaviour and I can apologise otherwise I won't know that I've done something wrong
I agree with bluehornet, you have to put yourself first. Focus on whether other people make you happy or if you like them. If not, don't keep them around! They will drain you and you will never make them happy because they don't want to understand. That would take too much effort. If someone isn't putting in the effort, I won't either. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it's the minimum for self care and happiness.
OP, I totally identify. I spent my entire life trying to unlearn this. Even going as far as counseling psychology for grad school. My empathy is my superpower and my greatest downfall. Only now figuring out that I am likely autistic at 48. I also have MS, in large part, because I didn’t get it all figured out in time to create the meaningful change and boundaries necessary, even though I have literally been actively working on it since I was 12. So I totally understand if it’s become your mask and hyper focus. Getting in therapy as she states is a key way to learn more and help not only better understand, but help create a safe place for change. Best wishes. Other comments here are not helpful. We don’t need to be shaming each other. Great that you’ve learned to do something different. Surviving, figuring it out and unmasking is all really hard work.
Me too. In my version of autism, I don’t have trouble seeing social cues and body language. I see too much of it and it’s overwhelming. I pick up on every little micro detail and I can see people processing what I’m saying as I say it. It’s like being on the phone when there’s a slight echo and you hear yourself talking. 😂
I have given up on trying to explain myself to to world. I live my life according to my own whims, and i don't let anyone bully me into conforming to their standards. It gets absolutely exhausting. Taking this stance has given me so much inner peace.
SAME! i pretty much have zero friends and have become quite selective of who i even share my time or energy with. for what when it is never enough for them, they always misunderstand, they always want to contort you into their version of you they have in their head then become upset when you are still just…you. i focus on things i enjoy, i have many hobbies, and even that has been criticized and turned into “you are just selfish and full of yourself, you think you’re better than everyone” blah blah, i enjoy my peace away from that noise. 😅
Thank God there's people here who exactly live and think the way I do. This comment made my day, and I'm on the path to following my dreams right now, and both the comment and the reply here are so motivating to me. Sometimes when I notice I don't have as many friends as other people, it's easy to go into that guilt trip spiral of thinking maybe it's because I'm in the wrong and there's something wrong with me and I gotta "pipe down" and what not. It's honestly enough to lead me into stages of depression in my life, rooting from this mentality I've had for years. I may be getting a little ahead of myself here with all that, but man I just wanted to express how affirmed and thankful i felt after reading your words for some reason. 🙏🏼🙏🏼😢
adopt a pet! Go outside and find new little experiences. Life is large and grand there's more to life than humans. If you need someone to share your thoughts with record a journal it's what people did before cars when your likely hood of finding like minded folks if you were "different" were very low.
2:11 ~ after more than 50 years, I’ve had to finally pull away from my family, including my son, because I was making myself miserable, terribly sad and suicidal because I realised I was putting all the effort into trying to establish more honest relationships with my family, post late diagnosis, and they were putting in zero effort - despite them saying that if I want people to care about me I have to make an effort! It’s sad, but I’m done. But the great thing is, since I made this decision a couple of weeks ago, I’m getting jobs done that I’ve been wanting to do for years and it’s like my life is finally slowly coming together naturally. I was clearly using all my energy to try and get my family to care about me.
we’ll be your family! the online community of caring folk here ❤ i get it tho, that you may not wanna hear that. i admire your strength to make the choice to put yourself first in a truly impactful way.
Well done! :) I am working on doing the same, I grew up in a narcissistic family system with extreme abuse, yet the child in me can't just cut them off. It helps to hear that others have done it, it gives me strength, so thank you!
@@AlexisTwoLastNames thank you 💞 it’s actually really good to hear 💓 I’m still in the ‘going through it’ stage, but I keep acknowledging that despite how low I might be feeling, I’m eating and drinking and on some days getting jobs done in the house and I’ve started a couple of on-line study courses, so I must want to stay alive and slowly but surely I’m seeing little glimmers of hope, so I think I’m just processing the emotions etc and that soon I’ll start to build a life where I can be me and that I’ll be happier than I’ve ever been.
@@autumn5852 i’m glad to hear that. you may be a stranger, but i care for you and hope each day is brighter and more in tune with you and your wants and needs. i’ll make sure i do something great for myself today. have a fabulous day!
@@Roswell33 it’s not easy and this is my second or third attempt, it might be more. But this time is different. This time I’m done with trying to get them to care for me and to interact with me while respecting me etc. I know my family aren’t narcissists but there are definitely a lot of behaviours that are like that, which is probably why I ended up in relationships with narcissists. I take a lot of time to process emotions and I think that’s what I’m doing now. So even though my life might not look like I want it to look just yet, I’m still glad I made this decision and I honestly belief I’m going to grow in strength and confidence from it. It just takes time. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on people leaving cults and high demand religions, and it has really helped me to understand my emotions and difficulties with leaving the family behind. Best of luck to you and much love and I truly believe we will be a thousand times happier than holding on to something that doesn’t really exist. I already am happier. XXX
Man, can I relate. It hurts the most when it comes from my mom and my husband, because they're the people I love the most. It annoys me when it's other people, but mostly I don't care anymore. I don't really care if I don't have friends. Anyway, I picked my mom up from the airport one day and during the whole ride I tried to please my mom, asking her how was her travel, if she wanted me to put on music or stop for some food. She barely spoke to me the whole ride. I just assumed she was tired, and honestly, I didn't mind. I felt peaceful and content the whole 3 hour ride just to be close to my mom. Later she tells my family that I was so angry about having to pick her up, she was afraid to talk to me during the whole ride. I was flabbergasted! I had no idea what made her believe that! She said it was because I looked angry. So, my eyes are small and very sensitive to light and I tend to squint and lower my brows against the sun. Also I have large lips that were always the subject of criticism in my family, a common expression towards me was, "Siempre con la trompa pará" which basically means "always pouting" in spanish, implying I was angry or annoyed or being rude, when I really wasn't. I've spoken to her about this, yet she still judges me by my face and features I can't control. The whole time she really thought I was angry or upset and she was "afraid" to talk to me? That really hurt. Another example, I recently complained about a carton of icecream I bought, because it was supposed to be cookies and cream, but most of it was pure "cream" with no cookies. Somehow, my husband took it as an attack on him and got all defensive and, a bit of an 🫏 to be honest. I still don't understand how in the world he could have interpreted that as an attack on him and not the ice cream company and he never explained how. I'm still a bit mad at him for that one.
Neurotypicals can be very quick to judge and quick to be defensive. Stay calm and repeat you are not angry, autism affects nerve development and it takes a lot of effort to change your face to look picture perfect all the time. Then repeat you are not angry and they need to figure out where it’s coming from, because it’s not your problem, it’s theirs.
I can relate so much to this. It happens quite a lot, l mean I would do or say something harmless and without any hidden meaning, sometimes just to try to start a conversation (being a quiet girl sometimes you get judged for this trait too) and people would just somehow take it either as me complaining or me being passive aggressive. I don't understand, really. Like you said, I don't care that much with strangers but when it's the people you love the most it can be very hurtful. For instance, I still remember having a humble street food dinner with my ex, it was basically a local dish of meatball soup. The meatballs we had were relatively smaller than average so I made a comment on that ("oh, the meatballs are small." I believe was what I said.) My heart was like 🥰 because I LOVE them smaller just like they were, but my face was like 😐, to be fair because i'm not great at making facial expressions to be honest. Somehow he thought I was complaining and mildly snapped and said "what did you expect??" like he was disgusted of me. I was in complete shock. I mean I was basically complimenting the food but what he understood from me was that I was complaining. It seemed like nothing but it really hurt at the time. And one part was because after all these years you still don't know I love smaller meatballs? gtfo 😅😂
@@kurehanzo ugh yes! I often make benign comments, just observations or trying to start a conversation and people always assuming I'm complaining or being negative. I'm also pretty quiet and people think I'm standoffish or stuck up! I lose either way!
I like you. You're authentic, open, and rich with emotion. I'm autistic too and I completely understand you. I really appreciate brave and altruistic souls like yourself.
It's not often I watch a video where someone is just literally describing, word for word, my life experiences and trauma with communication. Wishing everyone the best who are dealing with all this daily.
Due to neurotypicals being the majority, it is unfortunately a near universal experience for all autistic people as far as I see. Edit: I do believe if we were the majority it honestly would go the other way, with neurotypicals being traumatized and frustrated by not being understood for their tones, facial movements, and body language.
I personally think the honest straight forward fact driven communication is superior. The world would be a much better place with your communication style. I would be friends with you happily. I have never been able to relate with people you explained it so well. I do great with animals and kids everyone else is much like you describe. You are awesome.
Agreed!! ❤ I would Totally be friends with her too~ I'm late diagnosed, and have the same struggles. So, I decided to put out "antenna" for people like me, and it's working! We have a small group meetup tomorrow, and we're really EXCITED for it🎉 Sometimes we just have to make our own party🥂💃
Excessive nonverbal and non direct communication just seems immature like a child playing hard to get or not being emotionally mature enough to say what they think
I am not saying that everything should nbe that way, but the world would be a better place if people learned to operade on that modus in crituical situations , or if htey really want to not be misunderstood. Why can t that be commonly taught.
Agreed. Especially in the workplace. I began really struggling at work in the last 10 years or so as the culture shifted to valuing feelings over facts - even to the point of punishing the "negativity" of reporting on super critical facts that are detrimental to the business. Thankfully facts were more important in the 20 years before that so I prospered and saved for retirement. I've left now and they can burn.
I wish we could take superior/inferior out of it. Isn't that exactly what allistics have done to you your whole life? It's great to know which style you prefer and seek people out who have that style. But speaking as someone whose caught in the middle between allistic and autistic (ADHD, lots of autistic traits, but not actually autistic), and has had a really painful time trying to communicate both with allistics and with my lovely autistic ex, it's not about inferiority, it's just about a lot of people wanting to be understood, and not even understanding that they, in their turn, are misunderstanding those they want to be understood by as well. And I include myself in this by the way, misunderstanding while yearning to be understood, but I do keep working at it.
Honestly I wish I could tell people to knowledge that im autistic and they're not supposed to expect me to be the opposite I am, so I really love how you talk about it :)
Yes! So many instances in my life where people are like "why do you do this? Why do you act like that? Why do you talk this way?" I wish I could just say I'm autistic and have them actually understand and accomodate me properly. Instead, I'm lucky if they just continue on treating me exactly the same with no effort to accomodate me or educate themselves.
As a child, I was particularly unskilled in what I'll call "quick communication." The kind of communicating that happens in the spur of the moment with little warning or context. Quick communication also happens to be exactly what is necessary to combat verbal bullying. I'm also learning disabled... In other words, I was the perfect mark for quick-witted bullies. The result of this bullying is that I have since become obsessed with quick, concise, and accurate communication. It is a constant conscious effort. I also developed an extremely high awareness of all the possible ways that something could possibly be interpreted. Being misunderstood or otherwise misrepresenting myself is a constant concern of mine. I know who I am, I know what I mean, and I have the ability and desire to convey both. But sometimes society just doesn't give you the time to adequately do so and you're left feeling like an interaction gave somebody an inaccurate and inauthentic impression of you and all you can do is replay the moment over and over again in your head to identify the source of the communication breakdown. Nowadays I don't often feel misunderstood by strangers as I know how to represent myself to them. It's actually the people close to me that will occasionally read into something that isn't there or insist that I meant something more than what I verbalized. When I insist that I meant nothing more than the words I spoke aloud, I'll be accused of twisting things or gaslighting. It can be very frustrating and I wish more people would consider the possibility that maybe I'm just saying what I am saying and you don't have to make a damn insight check all the time haha. I'm not some mystery that needs to be uncovered, I'm extremely straightforward, probably to a fault.
I've been getting that attitude for 40 years, you're just a kid, you're a naive college students, you don't know how the industry works yet, you're a girl you'll never understand. The words change but the sentiment is the same. 😢
I'm reminded of many communication incidents in my life. In particular, I'm reminded of a time when I spent 30-45 minutes (way longer than I should have) drafting a work email, trying to find just the right balance between detailed and concise. After I sent it, one of the recipients replied. It was clear that they'd only skimmed the email (which I expected and tried to account for in my draft) and that they had come away from it with COMPLETELY the wrong idea. This wasn't the first time I had difficulty communicating with this coworker. But no one else had any trouble understanding the email, so this definitely wasn't JUST me. I quietly seethed for days afterward, blown away by how careless some people can be with their communication, when any communication with anyone outside my close friends and family requires SO MUCH effort on my part. And, granted, maybe the coworker has their own developmental disability to deal with. But I'm also tired of being the only one (or so it feels) constantly monitoring myself to ensure that I don't make quick and harmful assumptions about others' experiences.
I was recently bullied, ostracized and emotionally pushed around by a neruotypical community and support group leader because i made her feel uncomfortable by my autistic symptoms. This is beyond relatable.
I think the main error of us autists is to assume people want to understand us. Sometimes, I learned, people have no interest in that. Not only that, sometimes they rather understand us in the wrong way on purpose. Crazy, I know. Makes no sense. But that's the neurotypical world for us...
"Oh, no, woe is me, people don't want to understand how quirky I am" Yeah, nobody cares. "Normal" people don't care about each other other either. Nobody does. I don't need to know your struggles for a 10 second interaction at the workplace. Learn the rules of communication, stay in your lane, and that's it. Seriously, why would I want to know about your mental defect? Why would I care? Is my life going to be better because of it? Do you care about my struggles? No. Autistic people are some of the most selfish people I had the misfortune of meeting. So why would I care about your life story, if you don'z care about anyone else's?
Fr. They think ADHD and autism are some "main character" vibes, when we're literally just asking for help and trying our best and working to hope to communicate with each other better and keep peace, but "some" ( not all ) just "some" neurotypical people always want to make up problems that are not there and then get salty when we, the neurodivergents, have real struggle problems. Like??? Huh ??? Why would ANYONE want to seek problems ?? I think they have too much free time in their hands, to the point they get bored and then proceed to seek problems that AREN'T even there in the first place, and then proceed to throw hissy fits when Neurotypicals or other disability people are dealing with an ACTUAL MENTAL DISABILITY and an ACTUAL HEALTH PROBLEM ISSUE. And then they called people who deal with real disabilities "attention seekers," like.....the irony and arragont is so far inside their a$$ to the point that is kind of hilarious.
The non-verbal communication part of this video is so relatable, especially when you talk about people suddenly blowing up because you're not getting what they're saying. This has happened a lot in previous relationships. One time in particular, my partner was suddenly really upset and walked away, then their friend started shouting at me, saying if I don't listen to them, I'm going to end up losing them. I still don't know what caused it, as far as I'm aware we were all having a nice evening, and my partner and I were having a normal conversation. I just remembered being confused because I had been listening to everything they were saying and responding, this was not the only time something like that happened, but it certainly was one of the most upsetting for me, it has upset me thinking about it. I know this might sound biased and exclusive, but one of the main things I now look for when trying to find someone to date and potentially get into a relationship with is if they're autistic, purely because I can communicate so much easier with other neurodivergent people and it rarely leads to negative experiences associated with miscommunication such as what I mentioned above. Thank you for your videos, they highlight a lot of experiences neurodivergent people go through and hopefully help us to be more understood.
Clicked this video as an allistic person, hoping to understand my autistic loved ones a little better. I see their challenges, I feel my own frustration and theirs when we try to communicate with each other, and want to be one of the people in their life who meets them half way. Everyone deserves to be understood. I feel like I understand a little better how masking plays such a huge role in an autistic person navigating an allistic world, and how so much extra daily effort is expended just for folks to “pass” in social settings. Thank you for your video!
@@adamwalker2377 hmmm, I mean it's a good question! I think it's because not all conversations are fact-based, and there are a lot of so-called unspoken rules in every community and culture, about what to say, how to say it, who you can say it to etc. not everybody knows those rules, and some people know and ignore it, and it's not always obvious who is ignoring the rules, and who simply doesn't know. And all people have different sensitivities, some folks can identify without being explicitly told, others cannot, and not every person is comfortable with sharing their sensitivities. People are different, complex, and grew up around different cultures, such that even two allistic people have to work hard to understand each other. Heck, parents and children struggle to understand one another because all the data that goes unidentified. In the end, all relationships take effort, some more than others, but if you're willing to put the work in and be patient I think that's what matters. For me, Morgan's videos have given me information and tools to do better work to understand where my autistic friends and family come from :)
@@hiitsmoto I'm not buying it. Listen to her voice. She's obviously not flippant about it, and yet she can't win. Something really unfair is going on here. The normal rules of fair play don't appear to be honored by the other side. If I were autistic, I'd be ready to say, "Screw it. I can't win, and I'm done playing your stupid game". How on earth can you exchange information without using...information? Why does the group that beats around the bush and lies get primacy?
@@adamwalker2377 I'm afraid I don't have answers to those questions! I can only speculate from my experience, and how I understand the world and why these situations where our autistic loved ones may get misunderstood and treated unfairly as a result. I think we can only do our best to listen, to be kind and understanding to the people around us, and educate the way Morgan has here. You're kind-hearted for being frustrated on the behalf of folks like Morgan. I wish you all the best!
@@hiitsmoto good on you for wanting to learn and understand how to better communicate that's a big step I know many alistic people who don't care to understand and want to hold their own noses high like they haven't done anything wrong when they are the ones being unclear this is why I have grown to be a very blunt direct person and extremely honest and open I have found this has created issues for some people but how I see it is that is their problem not mine honestly mate I congratulate you for wanting to learn keep it up my friend
For me, the worst part is that people assume I have a dark motive. They assume i'm out to get them, when I'm really not. Sometimes, I hurt people without meaning to. If I ask what I did wrong, they assume I'm playing dumb and that I knew what I was doing. They assume I'm being manipulative. I hate how people don't see me as a human being. They just villianise me
OMG, I so feel this. Not having boundaries respected because I'm not acting dramatic enough. Telling someone I'm angry about some injustice/harm they're perpetrating/enabling only for them to utterly disregard my words. Having someone beat around the bush, hint hint hinting at some problem, where it's obvious I'm missing a key piece of information but still refuse to tell me what the problem is. So frustrating! Honestly, this is why I so deeply prefer autistic dominant spaces. I can finally RELAX knowing my words will be taken at face value, my words won't constantly be misconstrued to represent something other than what I plainly said, and I can accept people's word as representing them rather than having to burn through so much bandwidth processing what all their different agendas might possibly be for saying what they're saying. The bandwidth relief alone makes it so much more comfortable being in autistic communication spaces.
This video and these comments, especially yours, are so crazy to read because of how relatable they are. I've never been in many what you called autistic dominant spaces, but they do sound incredible especially after seeing just how much I have in common with a lot of other autistic people and they're not just problems with me
I've never been in an autistic space unfortunately. However I do put myself first and only keep people around who do not constantly exhaust me. I also prefer to live abroad, because as a foreigner I'm already considered weird and nobody is thinking about how I'm just a little off but they can't put their finger on why.
@@crubip2976 , I’ve only discovered autism shaped spaces while looking for other things. My children’s inclusive homeschool group that basically had all the people rejected from other groups (religion, sexuality/gender, mental illness, race, disability, etc) was very autism dominant. A lot of LGBTIQA groups are autism-skewed in leadership, and trans spaces are particularly autism dominant. Less authoritarian religious groups that people are far more likely to convert to than be born into tend to be comfortable spaces for autistic people. In my area that is mostly earth-centered religions. (Every Druid & pagan priestx I know are autistic.) There are reasons I won’t join but all the members I know of our local Mensa chapter are autistic. I don’t know any of the adult members but our local model railroading club was a very warm and welcoming environment for autistic kids in my life. Lots of internet, database, and platform companies in my area have autism dominant cultures. The atheist meetups in my area and in surrounding areas are autism dominant spaces. I think groups organized around special interests have a greater chance of having more autistic folks in them. True story: I’d be shocked if my oldest was treated for autism and not diagnosed autistic. No, I wouldn’t be shocked; I’d believe the clinician want skilled. lol Anyway, my oldest is a submariner. When he was in training, everyone kept assuming he was a nuclear engineer. My son was offended by this as he viewed the nukes as “social not-rights,” weirdos who were book smart with no people skills. He was incensed and didn’t understand why people would keep making this mistake. He was confident in his intelligence but couldn’t understand why, without him obviously displaying his intelligence, people would think he was a nuclear engineer. You know why, right? Everyone was picking up on the autistic vibe that resonated so strong among the nuclear engineers; they also picked up on that in my son who didn’t see that in himself. FWIW my son’s high school sweetheart was (and still is) autistic. One allistic girl pined over him for years and that became the occasional situationship that only ended in her end when my husband set her up with someone else (also autistic) who she ended up marrying. My son’s wife, his second real relationship, is also autistic. In my experience, autistic people just find each other, vibe, and clump together.
@@jessn.3851 , Paul MacAuliffe (?) who has the Autism From the Inside YT channel has a few videos where he talks about alien syndrome among autistic folks. He very much advocates autistic people go to spaces where they are the outsider for the reason you mention. Many missed cues are given grace for being from a different background and are either ignored without negative repercussions or explained. Some people are more likely to delight in an outsider’s differences than they would in the same differences in one of their own. That is one of the reasons Paul encourages international travel among autistic folks who can handle it. The nice thing is it’s a strategy that can be leveraged in more situations than transnational travel.
I've had four this weekend. Three today bc I'm being bullied by other tenants in the building; they're trying to get me kicked out for being "different"
@@msmltvcktl that's just straight up discrimination. I hope they stop tormenting you. You don't deserve what they're saying and doing. Take some time, if the other tenants haven't spoken to the landlord yet, and write a response explaining how ridiculous the other tenant's demands are. If not as a letter, but as an outline of what you need to get across to the landlord. May the Fates smile kindly on you in this time of desperation. And I hope you find the best strategies to help you regulate after these meltdowns ✌💖
I had them because I was constantly having my needs neglected no matter how much I communicated this to my family. They were the kind to tell me to "toughen up" and ignored my diagnosis so I left them/moved really far away with short notice. The literal second they realized that I could be independent and they couldn't just abuse me/force me to take said abuse meant the "I'm sorry"s and "I'm going to therapy and getting better"s started to fly. Because of the way I've been treated I actively avoid neurotypicals.
I have vivid memories of being a kid and trying desperately to explain to my teacher why I was upset, only for them to misunderstand me over and over and over again until I was in a full-blown sobbing meltdown. They often had to pull my brother out of class to see if he could translate what I was trying to say. I have trouble connecting to people and unmasking now because the second I start behaving and communicating authentically, I am misunderstood.
@@IJustAnimateThatsTheJistyour story is almost exactly the same as mine except my parents refused to get me tested because im a girl. Even though looking back it could not have been any more obvious.
Yes I am always misunderstood. I will always try tell people things But they don't understand so they always misinterprete what I'm trying to say. I have lost so many friends😢 because I was always blunt and to them that's mean. Like they would ask me if the dress makes them look weird and I would say yes you do look weird. I was losing friends to just being truthful I didn't know she wanted me to lie. So I am so grateful for someone talking about these things on the internet.
Man, I feel sorry for you. I'm autistic and I don't think I had friends who asked me things like those cause when I did have friends I was very little. But like, why can't people be more specific about what they mean? Obviously if your asking my opinion I'm going to give my opinion. That's what little me probably would have said lol. I have somewhat of a filter, so I know when to be truthful and when to not be truthful. Although, it's kind of hard for me to be truthful when it either offends people or people don't get it. Personally, I think if someone asked me that question I would say "Don't ask me MY opinion, if you like how it looks on you then go ahead and wear it. You don't need everyone's opinion on what something looks like on you cause as long as you like it that's all that matters to me." I'm also always misunderstood. I hope one day I can find at least a few close friends and that I'm not so lonely in the future.
If they wanted you to lie, then they weren’t your friends to begin with. Their lose not yours. If you need someone to tell you lies all your life then maybe you have insecurities you need to deal with. Better for you that you don’t have to deal with it. Just my opinion. Also that’s called walking on eggshells. Those are not friends those are demons.
Oof that both bad and good I'm in the same situation but I kno it isn't healthy to do it I'd recommend atleast trying to get out even tho I kno it can suck
i remember having a meltdown in front of my best friends because i felt like no matter what I said or how much I tried to communicate my thoughts and feelings to them, I still felt like I just couldn’t put my thoughts perfectly to words, and that I was failing to explain myself every single time. I will never forget the relief I felt when they said they understood that I was hurting from this and they wanted to understand me, and they would be patient with me. It definitely payed off being vulnerable in that moment, because I was terrified I would be too much. I’m pretty sure we’re all neurodivergent and thats why they could see I wasn’t trying to be manipulative, I was screaming for someone to understand me. I hope everyone can find friends like this. It look a lot of pain and heartache, sometimes its really hard to put your true thoughts out there, but with the right people its worth it. I’m hoping this can provide some hope of feeling understood by others.
"Screaming for someone to understand me"... this has been my whole life. You're not alone, but I'm sorry you've had to deal with this too. It's exhausting and hard and stupid. Keep fighting, remember you're worth being understood.
They must have also been on the spectrum or ND for sure, Neurotypical people really just don’t clarify things that way or know the experiences we have.
Thank you so much for this ! I'm also late diagnosed and ever since finding out I'm autistic I'm really sad about how unbalanced this is. I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to understand a foreign language and now I've finally found my mother tongue but no one wants to learn it. I'm explaining autism to my friends, sharing ressources, but they don't really care that much, they say "you're you and that's what matters" but if I really matter then learn my ways. I'm always accommodating for everyone else but me and I don't want to do it anymore. I want people who love me to ask questions and be curious about the way I work but they're not and it makes me sad. 💔 I know it's because they don't see how different it is, they don't know how much I've learnt their ways and how much I've restrained myself from being me. And when I try to show them they find me difficult and irrational all of a sudden, or they tell me "yay you've always been a bit blunt" as if they were coping with my quirks all along. It's like a one sided relationship at this point haha I think that's the thing that I find the most difficult about getting diagnosed, it's that I am learning to love myself and letting myself be freely autistic but no one wants that and I don't know where to put that version of myself so it's seen and loved and cherished. 💖 I long for a world were people are genuinely curious about our ways and want to learn them without having to do that to survive like we were forced to do with them.
I really relate to that. I also generally care about curiosity and I kinda wish I wasn't as alone in that and could bond more over it with other people.
I teared up when you said that you can't put into words of how much it hurts to be mislabeled as bad and being so misunderstood because I FEEL THIS to my core. It's just so sad. And when you try to explain yourself, they just start judging you even more.
I gave up this battle long ago. I have build an intensive script I use to communicate, all lines I stole from other peoples conversations. And the funny thing is, almost no one notices that I'm doing it. It's weird how programmed "normal" peoples conversations are, so much so that I get away with what I'm doing.
@@katzea.a7880 I agree that it’s beyond structure. Hi how are you Fine thanks how are you Great thanks but so hot I know! How’s Barb and the kids Just swell Bob, just swell All lies, preprogrammed answers. Not necessarily bad, just boring and so often a waste of time.
I hardly have any friends. I've recently been having communication issues with my closest one. He's not willing to talk about it and I'm so tired of of changing myself for others. Thank you for sharing; it's nice to know I'm not alone.
so much this 😢 you said so eloquently how I feel and act. 💔 why do we have to work so hard? never thought of it as trauma, and even therapists didn’t realize why I have so many issues with communication, fear etc. thank you so much for sharing
It took me a long time too to realize that I had real and deep trauma from it. A lot of my CPTSD is linked to communication. I’m sorry you relate so much🥺❤️
I honestly thought this whole time it was only me, but holy crap! I've experienced literally EVERYTHING you have and on a regular basis, especially the "Hey, you've been being annoying and I've tried to tell you this" when they've only IMPLIED it knowing I can't do IMPLIED. Thank you so much for this video and making me realize I'm not alone in this!
I can't tell you how much I have cried because peoppe misinterpret my personality. I'm very very bubbly but people don't see it. They judge me so hard. When I quit my last job I gave my boss a piece of advice: don't judge a book by its cover. It hit her hard. I lose friendships too because they can tell I'm weird although I don't consider myself weird. Just allistic people. It's been a tough life. I have communication trauma. You represent us high functioners so well. Please, try and be the spokesperson of an atypical association. You have my backing, I'm full of ideas.
something i've learned recently is that i cannot continue to script the way i used to because if i write it down and the conversation doesnt go the exact way i'm expecting it to go it'll make me panic, so i just don't write it out. i sit and practice phrases i can say and conversation points i could use and how i'm going to use my tone, but i don't put the exact words in order this makes it very hard for me to do things like verbal presentations but it stops me from being so rigid the work you have to put into everything as an autistic is insane
I handle my socializing in a very similar way! Also, the way the person/group I'm around phrases things or expresses themselves typically helps me find the words to express my thoughts (mirroring is a pretty good shot at not triggering them somehow lmao). I have no idea when I got alright at presentations, but I focus on they information of the presentation. And I make my slides very understandable for someone who has no context. That way, instead of memorizing a script per slide, I spent my time thinking through the project so much to the point that just seeing the charts & bullet points on the screen makes my mind start thinking about the information I'd been working with. Here comes the hard part: I think of the crowd watching me as students who are here to understand what I understand. So I have to use simple language and try explain in a simple, chronological order. Practicing presenting helps me catch myself where my explanation is getting too convoluted for a potential student, so I rearrange my slides and information until those slides trigger the information in my brain to come out in a conveniently ordered, simple, and "knowledgeable" manner. FUCK scripts bro, when I did scripts I couldn't even really "see" any of the slides I had prepared through my tremendous stress of sticking to a script and not messing up. The entire presentation I couldn't even remember the project.
I too plan out scenarios, but they never go as planned. Mostly, it happens after I've failed to give an accurate answer to a question, so I'll plan out how I'll answer that question the next time I'm asked, but sadly, it is never that same question again. It is a new question, and I fail again with a lame answer. I'm constantly kicking myself for being so retarded in short, surface conversations with new acquaintances. I have to tell myself just to go with the flow, even if it's lame, because neurotypicals don't really care what comes out of your mouth. They're just looking for a big smile, which validates their existence.
The difficulty making facial expressions and modulating my tone (or having the wrong facial expressions I don't realize I have) is my biggest barrier as a teacher. I've had a student giving a talk stop and ask "what's that expression for?" but I legitimately thought I had a supportive "go on" expression.
I'm a teacher who homeschools an 11-year-old girl on the autism spectrum and I'm trying so hard for us to have good communication and good experience with her education. It's wonderful to have access to a multitude of videos like this to help me get a better idea of how she might be feeling and experiencing our interaction, and how I can better serve her needs and help her to feel understood and supported. There have been some bumps in the road, but it's been quite the interesting journey!
Just crying thru this whole video. 😢 I cannot believe it. I've avoided this part in my healing journey. The trauma is so real. Signed, Almost 41, and still trying to piece it together
I actually really like your voice because it's not anxiety inducing like so many others! like when someone goes over the top and suddenly screams or something everything just becomes a senseless blend as I am trying to process what just happened!
To be autistic IS to get misunderstood. When I was quite young, I would talk out loud the ways I was thinking about the things that I was doing. I was hoping that *maybe* they would just think "oh she's someone who thinks out loud" as if it was not a big deal while at the same time *maybe, hopefully* they would hear what I was actually saying and understand what and/or why I was doing this or that. It didn't really work, but when I think about it, as a five and six year old to be doing something to try and be understood by others and not be a bother. That really says something about the amount of trauma I was experiencing. Even tho I would have said I wasn't traumatized. I thought it was a misunderstanding and everyone had them. What I didn't notice was how it happened to me more often than average and my response to that. When it didn't work, I never knew if they heard me and just didn't care, or if I was unnoticed. Which created its own problems in my head.
Personally, I think you come across as a bright, bubbly, positive and happy person. And you're very easy to listen to. I have no idea why the people you talk to aren't seeing it.
I feel this so much. I've wasted years of my life thinking back on previous encounters where I was misunderstood, or neglected, and thought that if I could have just said the right words it would be alright. The most important thing I learnt in therapy is that you cannot control what other people think and how they react. I saw the truth in that and just stopped caring about what others think. I am much happier overall, and don't have to waste my energy and happiness on pretending to fit in. Who cares if people don't like me? That's on them for not trying to see beyond appearances.
Yea! Its entirely out of your control, if they’re going to be like that to you, they’re going to be like that to you no matter what. Best to leave ppl who refuse to work with you.
People who don't tell you in a polite way that they have a problem with something you do or say just have very low problem-solving skills. There are a lot of people out there just living in the moment, rarely thinking about the consequences of their actions, and only seeing their own point of view. You built up a deep understanding of communication and yourself, and you got very self-aware. There are people out there who are not autistic and who have learned similar things. They can communicate with you easily. People who respect you will invest in you, and they will try to solve a problem with you together. Stay strong and keep going. You will eventually find the right people.
Holy cow!! How have I lived all my life without knowing I'm autistic?!? My entire life I haven't understood people and in 15 minutes you outlined (quite succinctly I might add) about 90% of the problem. I've always been blunt whenever talking to people and prefer absolute honesty to 'linguistic subterfuge' and you've managed to clearly identify the difficulties -- particularly the double standard and my resultant communication trauma -- that have plagued me practically since birth. I don't know what to do with this information just yet (knowing the problem doesn't exactly provide a roadmap to fixing it, especially since most of the issue is other people) but I will definitely discuss this with my counselor. Thank you so much for this epiphany!
Last week I figured this out too, I was diagnosed only ADHD and it didn't answer enough questions for me. So 10 years I searched and searched on why I don't hear my own tone and how people get so confused. I can't even count how many times I have said outloud to people if people would just listen to my words my intent is clear. So last week I googled is tone and volume an ADHD thing, all the answers said ASD. So I went and took raads-r, aspie quiz, and probably about 6 others. They were overwhelming proof that I could finally stop searching for the answer, let go of the past, and move on with a solution. One of the most overwhelming, but best weeks of my life.
god this hits home. I’ve always been labeled as rude and disrespectful and clingy and dramatic and it’s so confusing because like how am I being rude if I’m not even aware I was doing something in the first place
When she said we communicate in a very blunt and truthful manner and we are also very fact driven. Yep that hit right in the feels. That silenced the imposter syndrome for quite a while at least.
I am 75 years of age, diagnosed as Autistic (Aspergers) at the age of 67 years old! Finally, I know who I am. However, now I see how mean Allistic people are. I've strived all of my life to be liked, to work hard, be empathetic, and loving. Only to be ignored, criticised, misunderstood etc etc. Several times I have strived to take my own life, hating myself for just being me. But, after the last time, following my diagnosis, and surviving yet again. I called a halt. I was hurting my daughter so much, and as I started to understand myself through the diagnosis, I took a vow that I would never do that again for the sake of my daughter. So, I'm telling you this Morgan, for the sake of your peace of mind, stop, stop right now trying to be liked by Allistic people. Just every now and again, you'll find a true friend, stick close with them, please. Don't try and change yourself, because it will never work, be happy with who you are. Be at peace, and learn self love, otherwise your life will be always be about trying to be a people pleaser. Just be you 😊❤
Giving someone a compliment and they hear something beyond rude and don't tell you for a week. Also imagine being both and having a constant internal conflict. My diagnosis keeps changing every visit lol
Amazing video. I feel like double empathy is what makes autistic people prime targets for abusers. I tend to assume the best of people and I've lost count of how many abusers have used my goodwill and desperation to be understood to manipulate and gaslight me. _I'm_ not communicating properly, _I'm_ not explaining myself, _I'm_ not understanding them, _I'm_ the problem and _I_ need to do better. And then I get to enjoy hearing "why didn't you just leave!" from anyone I try to talk to about it 🙃 I definitely have communication trauma too, after a lifetime of having my words dismissed, belittled, picked apart, and demonized I mostly just smile and nod at people now. My spouse gets mad when I withhold my thoughts & feelings, and seems to refuse to understand that whenever I do share them it always turns into a big debate over their validity and correctness. I love sharing them, but I _learned_ to keep them to myself because like you said, it HURTS to be constantly picked apart. I'm not willing to feel hurt all the time anymore. I just want to say I like or dislike something, believe or disbelieve something, etc, and have it just be ACCEPTED as a difference of opinion instead of debated. I can agree to disagree, why can't they? It's beyond exhausting. I'm in my 40s now and have reached a point of burnout where I just want to be alone forever(aside from my amazing kids who are also autistic). Most people just aren't worth the headache anymore. I just want to live in a little baba yaga hut in the woods making weird art out of moss and twigs and living symbiotically with the land and animals. That would be bliss.
"have used my goodwill and desperation to be understood to manipulate and gaslight me". Whew, that hits hard. What's weird to me though, or what I'm still trying to figure out, is that I've gotten this from my family most of all. Yet everyone in my immediate family has a lot of autistic traits, but we seem to each have our own unique mix. I'm not sure that anyone IS autistic (and I am definitely the only one who is ADHD). I am definitely not autistic, but I do think I have enough traits to be considered broad autistic phenotype; my sister and my mom both seem to have even more traits than I do, to the point that I do wonder if they'd be diagnosed--yet my sister is the most manipulative person I know, which took me a loooooong time to figure out (even though I watched her manipulate our parents when we were kids) in part because I do always assume the best about people, especially someone I love to pieces like my sister. Is it possible for someone to be autistic or sub-clinically autistic, but still deeply manipulative?
I’m 10,000% sure I’m autistic after reading this comment. I swear to God I was literally thinking about a “baba yaga hut in the woods & making fairy houses out of moss and sticks” retirement plan off and on for weeks.
I’m 21 and dealing with this in my relationship right now. I’m apparently “high maintenance” and stupid, and a dramatic manipulator… When I do my best to explain my feelings, except I never feel understood.
@@PommeLavande I'm 68 and I have found that a good therapist can help if they work with non-typical clients. Learning your boundaries can help protect you from those who call you names or gaslight you. I have many times curled up on the bed by myself and went back to replay and feel a past incident so I can learn to recognize the feelings in me that are a warning that I need to take a walk because the conversation is about to go south. Now I can see it about 5 steps ahead so no one gets offended and we can finish the conversation later. I always say, I need to take a walk but I will be back. Letting people know you are coming back helps many people who might feel abandoned if you just leave suddenly. Once you do that a few times and you come back to listen to them, they will get used to it.
tw: unsolicited venting about miscommunication I think one of my saddest memories is having put a lot o thought and time to write an exact description about what I felt when my (now ex) boyfriend would do a specific thing that really bothered me. I wholeheartedly believed that it was just the matter of him not realising how much anxiety he was causing me. That if I only found the right words, the exact solution to a problem he would get scared of how much I had to take and readjust his behaviour (it was about him leaving me on read a lot). So I wrote my thing. I invited him over, sat him down and gave him the sheet of paper, excited for him to *finally* understand. To get a speck of relief from the spiralling ordeal... He read the first line. Looked at me like I was a cute and naive puppy. And said that he doesn't really understand or agree with the core concept I'd be explaining later in the note. "You don't need to get it the first time. Just read. There's an explanation at the end. It all builds up to something. You see, it follows this structure..." He chuckled, put the note away and told me it was just too difficult. Didn't even bother to read it till the end... I understand it might have been difficult but he read *one* sentence. And we spent the rest of the day doing what he wanted cause I shut down believing it was my fault for not choosing the correct words again. I can't describe how angry and disappointed I felt with myself. I didn't know I was autistic at that time. I still don't have an official diagnosis and it icks. But it took me a *long* time to realise that sometimes there are no right words when people don't care about how you feel.
I am 48 and suspect autism. I identify with so much of your experience. Even majored in sociology. I totally want to be your friend! Thank you for sharing your experience and with such authenticity.
i feel the same! i wish there was a place all of us neurodivergent people could meet, i dream of having friends that don’t assume my words have a different meaning, and i so would appreciate and love others to be blunt and honest with me! sending hugs ❤
I follow so many autistic creators since my late diagnosis a couple years ago, and this might be the most relatable video I've seen. I get so down on myself for not being able to outwardly be the happy outgoing person I really am. It's heartbreaking. People will come up to me and try to relate to me assuming I'm a fellow misanthrope and I'm just like, "Ew, no. I love people."
Even worse is when you use a specific word to make absolutely sure they understand you… and they don’t even know what the word means. I use words like ‘jargon’ or stuff like that often, and it is INFURIATING.
easy solution i find is just to define the words after the use in the nearest convenient place in the dialouge even better if doing so also helps facilitate the elaboration of another and more important part of what is being said
I don't harbor those kinds of one sided relationships. If you're not willing to pull your own weight in a relationship and if you don't trust me enough to afford me even a sliver of the benefit of the doubt I have for you, goodbye. I don't have friends and I'm okay with that. I'm not gonna put up with all of these weird assumptions and face the audacity of the other person to double down. Need me to know something? Be a fucking adult and tell me. I'm not playing your games.
It's frustrating that people act this way, but will come down on you with hellfire if you act in such a way even slightly. Why don't people come to understand that assumptions and blindly following social conventions will give them a highly distorted and inaccurate view of others? I'm asocial because I've grown tired of it. Your gut does lie to you, and you'd better get used to it.
Excellent video, well said! I'm convinced a big part of the issue is that most people aren't aware that "I can't drop or pick up hints" is a real disability, and even if you tell them, they probably wouldn't believe you. I really wish there was some kind of class (preferably online videos of lectures) teaching this stuff (it's encoding and decoding linguistic pragmatics, including implicatures, facial expressions, and tone of voice)... but there isn't, because "it's obvious, as everyone intuitively understands it"... except for those of us who don't! Or, as you say, I wish that they'd at least meet us halfway!
Diagnosed at 49.5 and 60.83 now. As I now live in the USA, I cannot afford therapy. I find that every couple of years I withdraw from all attempts at having friends. In the past, I would simply move to another town and start over (and over and over and over). Can't do that now. So, maybe in a couple of more years, I will attempt again. Could totally relate to your video. Thank you for sharing.
Everything you are saying makes complete sense. Just be yourself, you can’t make others change their way of thinking. I think it will happen in the future most people will be autistic and then that will be the norm.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. You are just an honest person. Many people are not honest and pretend they agree and have the perspective, but they often pretend in the way that gives them the least confrontation and most status.
@@BobtheUA-camr sure aviodance of conflict is understandable whats not understandable is saying that because this one this is understandable that therefore the experience and concerns of another thing which is also understandable is of no concern as relates to the other thing which is also understandable and that goes both ways
this is so real. I’m not formally diagnosed, but I relate to this video so much. I work as a server at a restaurant, as you can imagine there’s lots of social skills/ nuanced behavior that everyone else engages in that I don’t understand. I’ve had several instances where my boss thought I was being condescending when I was just trying to be positive, coworkers thinking I’m rude or upset when I’m just minding my business, customers perceiving my kind nature as either a weakness or something to be suspicious of- and don’t even get me started on the amount of times I’ve become the butt of a joke that I didn’t even understand in real time. it’s truly exhausting trying to conform all the time only to realize it’s all futile.
So very relatable. Morgan, you have put into words what I have known and felt all of my life. So many 'interactions' that ended badly. They are always with me, reinforcing what a failure I am socially. Relationship accommodation is exhausting and frustrating when it is one way. If I have a disagreement with my spouse, I always end up apologizing for expressing my point of view. The reply is always the same: "You have a right to your feelings." It has never been: "I understand." 😢
The problem is that you ARE trying so hard to understand, and if they notice this and get any of the frustrated vibes coming off of you due to the communication issues, they interpret it as you not liking them, you being annoyed with them, and the harder you try the worse it gets. NT's don't actually understand each other all the time, or even most of the time, they are vibes based and they get it wrong frequently. However, they follow the social agreement to not "make it a thing" unless you dislike the person or want to confront them / argue. So they interpret autistic inability to not make it a thing, due to trying so hard to understand the "rules" that are more like loose suggestions, as not liking them. At least, I think this is part of the issue.
This is exactly the issue. It's 100% normal to be misunderstood. Why even focus on that most people just move on and make new moments. My definition of autistic people is they are trapped in their own Mind. If people don't react the way they think they should then they get upset. That's called normal personality differences. Everyone deals with this
this is the most relatable thing ever. the number of fights and conflicts i’ve found myself in without understanding why they are mad , UGHHH. and yes, this is how masking starts.
Omg thank u for talking about being over expressionate, no poker face. Dude that's me. My stupid face is always giving me away. It must b quite a different experience with opposite
Omg, girl! MOOD! I relate to every single word of this... SO hard! I've never actually heard the term "communication trauma" before, but this makes so much friggin' sense. This resonates with me on a deep, fundamental level. And I've been aware of it for a long, long, long time, but I've never had a word to put to it before. My own communication trauma leads me to habitually overexplain myself. I'm always trying to justify why I said, felt, or thought something just so that maybe people might understand where I was coming from and, thereby, my intentions. Especially if I'm wrong about something. I feel the need to explain how or why I arrived at my incorrect thought, partly so they can understand where I was coming from, but also partly to communicate that *I* understand that I was wrong and *demonstrate* that understanding. But then that somehow gets misinterpreted as the *exact* opposite of that! They'll somehow think that I'm doubling down on the mistake when I'm *literally admitting* that I was wrong. But, whether mistaken or otherwise, I often feel like I'm not explaining myself well enough to be understood, especially if I haven't had time to script and practice the explanation in my head ahead of time, and so I end up effectively re-explaining the same thing five times because I'm trying to find better ways to say it, but I'm failing at it because I'm really nervous and anxious, but then I feel like I'm obligated to get to a damn point, and I just end up talking in circles...
You could be explaining yourself perfectly and they still won't understand you. Because they don't want to. That would mean they have to care about what you want to say. The truth is you care WAY too much about what they think of you when they're not willing to put in any effort themselves. Relationships have to be reciprocal, where you both put in an equal amount of effort to last long term. I hope you can shift your mindset to where you focus on whether YOU like them or whether they make YOU happy, instead of worrying about whether they understand you or not. The wonderful thing is you can choose not to get them to understand. You don't have to put up with arguments that go around in circles. Let them misunderstand, you are wonderful as you are and don't have to prove yourself to anyone. They can misunderstand and keep it moving.
Wow, thank you. It always amazed me how everyone always seemed to know when other people were upset, sick, or something, and would show them compassion, but I never got any of that compassion or understanding, and even when I tried to tell people how I felt oe that something was bothering me, they would act like I was making it up or exaggerating, and they would blow me off. I didn't even know that I was barely making facial expressions until one day something similar was being discussed on fb among my long time friend group from back in college days, and it occurred to me to pm one of those friends and ask if I was someone that it was hard to tell what I was thinking or feeling, and she told me that I had a pretty non-expressive face and she'd never been able to tell what I was thinking or feeling. It was pretty enlightening. That was several years before I started to suspect I might be autistic, and then was diagnosed shortly after.
Yeah, this could totally be my own rant, almost exactly. In many ways, I have adapted, but not by getting better at non-verbal communication, rather by focusing on verbal communication. I've spent much effort developing my writing skills, and growing up on the internet pre-video has afforded countless opportunities for communication that was exclusively with words. That's been good for morale, and I've made some friends and developed skills, but I'm still rubbish at face-to-face communication with a person that isn't listening to my words first and foremost. The worst part has been utterly failing at flirting and therefor having a difficult time meeting prospective romantic partners.
I think flirting is the only social thing I get. If they seem to purposely stay in conversation with you longer, or seek out interactions with you, you can start slow by telling them qualities about their personality you enjoy, or even that they brighten your day or make you feel inspired. If they say thanks & leave the convo quickly, don't go further. If they thank you and return compliments with huge enthusiasm and remain in conversation with you, it's looking good. After several (maybe 6? To not be too creepy. If you'll never see them again then it has to be now) times of doing this, it is time to suggest hanging out at a secondary location (a place you, they, or both of you like or have some sort of attachment to. OR a brand new adventure). From there, the sharing about how they make you feel can become more deep/risky, paired with conversation that has nothing to do with that of course. With more of these hangouts, if you're feeling brave and they still seeks you out, you can ask em on a "DATE". They may have already assumed y'all were going on dates, but if not, their response to the word date can finally give you confirmation if they're into you too or if they just really like you as a friend. It's a whole lot of stress but it's still fun. But I'm glad I haven't been in the dating scene in a decade 😂
You have put into words what I have been searching for. For decades, I have lived a nightmare. Today, you made a massive difference in my life and my healing journey 🙏🏻🙏🏻
My trauma starts with the phrase "tone of voice." It's probably my most hated phrase ever. Just typing it makes me feel angry. "You have the wrong tone of voice, fix your tone of voice, watch your tone of voice when you're talking to me, I don't like your tone of voice" """Tone of voice""" is not a thing with me. It doesnt exist. As soon as somebody says that phrase to me they're out. LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING, NOT HOW I AM SAYING IT, PLEASE! 😔😔😔 Anybody who actually wants to know me or actually does know me or like me will understand that. Everybody else can just leave me alone.
Based on the comments, it's amazing how correct you were that this is a completely universal experience among us. Yet when we talk to each other, there's zero problems. I don't have enough autistic people in my life and I end up feeling like a mind trapped in a body that can't move because I genuinely have no clue how to ask for or describe what I need. I don't even know how to try any more, I'm so tired. Any variation of "what you're doing is hurting me and I'm burning out" is punished as rude or worse.
I want perfect understanding when I communicate and so many people just kind of want me to "get it". The problem is I spent so much of my early life not getting it, and suffering as a consequence, that I now drastically overcompensate.
OMG THIS DAY IS AMAZING!!! I SPENT THE DAY WITH MY BUNNIES AND THEN IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES, I FOUND OUT THAT SKZ WILL BE HEADLINING SOON AT HYDE PARK, BAEMON RELEASED THEIR NEW SONG, AND A NEW VIDEO FROM YOU DROPPED! AAAAHHHHH!!
Sometimes when I'm around another autistic person, I'm so used to NT communication that I interpret them as disliking me, or passive aggressive. Recently I met an autistic girl who was a friend of a friend, until she admitted her autism I thought she hated me right off the bat, but as i was around her I noticed she did the exact same things I did. It made me realise why people thought those things about me. I didn't really know how to talk to her despite being autistic myself, and I find often that communicating with other autistic women is really hard especially when we're in a group of people and trying to mask, or just trying not to say or do anything offensive. I sometimes try to communicate with them in an autistic way, but I don't get far with it because there's almost always a wall up. For me having adhd tends to allow that initial wall to fall quicker, and I find it easier to communicate with adhd people rather than other autistic people, especially women. I feel like the communication trauma is so deep that it can seperate us, it can make us hard and cold in an attempt to protect us, but that also means it's hard to communicate with eachother too. Many times I've come across women who I thought must hate me, only to realise that they may have been autistic, sometimes its hard for me to remember that communication exists outside of the NT world. Im hypervigilant to these signs of people disliking me, so i sometimes take other autistic peoples demeanor as one of these signs. People in my life have said that I'm intimidating, but I don't intend to be. Sometimes it's actually impossible to make a facial expression, or be entirely aware of how I appear to others. I also can be aware of how I should act and what I should do, but my body won't comply. The saddest thing is that I have to be drunk to communicate with most people, because it can give me the courage and because drunk people don't notice the mistakes you make, nor do they think it's anything else than you also being drunk.
I am so happy for you. I suspected to be authistic at the age of 30 and got my diagnosis at the age of 36. Your struggle is of course not over, but at least... your analysis is on point and at this early age. If you like to reduce your hypervigiliance, I have one point of expirience, that you need to know in case you will expirience this. There are some people, who will label you as a narcissist - and not because of your communication-style. When this happens, a common expirience about this is, that a narcissist is annoyed, that I am actually authentic in the moment of unmasking and he labels me as a narc. An explanation is, that he evys my ability at that moment to be who I truly am, so he attacks me. Instead of correcting yourself at that moment, ask yourself first if this happened right, when you were unmasking/ being authentic. If yes, analyse wheter the person in question has some narcissist traits. Now don't diagnose him or communicate it. Don't struggle. Instead chose carefully who you allow into your life. I also understand the need of belonging and it hurt to lose somebody, whether they are terrible for me or not. But there are also good people in this world, and for their sake, you need to protect your mental health. Miscommunication and ignorance happens. But you need to learn to read their intentions.
the worst part is when you carefully explain what you actually feel or intend, thinking that this will clarify the misunderstanding - only for people to assume that you're exaggerating, being dramatic, or trying to manipulate them!
Nah fr, that's when I just ghost em. My tolerance is finite 😂
Every. Dang. Day. 😬
This makes romantic partnerships exceptionally painful. We attract abusive gaslighters
Doesn’t work when your boss or a teacher is the one who does this
@DaughterofDiogenes: more like impossible; I've been in more bad romances than chlamydia
"Communication trauma from being misunderstood." I feel this so deeply. Thank you.
This puts into eloquent words what I've been trying to explain to my husband. I tell him I feel like I can't even say anything because anything I say is another chance to be misunderstood or to be contradicted.
@@jelatinosa it makes it even more difficult when that person is likely trying to sabotage and willfully misunderstand you anyway. Whether they are or aren't doesn't matter to them, if you call them out, its more cannon fodder.
@@jelatinosa LOL even trying to say thank you to certain people will make them yell accuse you of starting a problem. Like one guy I was trying to see good in that I felt was being rude towards me but others were telling me I was not seeing the little things so tried to find any small thing to be thankful for even if it was a far stretch you can't win if people chose to misunderstand you. There are people out there that if you come off awkward that will remain polite and try to understand.
Thank you so much for explaining so clearly how I feel😅
❤
I have a hard time because I either don’t laugh at jokes, even when I find them funny, I just don’t see the need to verbally laugh. OR I end up laughing at inappropriate times.
Oh my gosh this is so me!!! I’m glad I’m not the only one
I tend to lightly laugh at every joke without thinking just so the person speaking feels validated and accepted, but because of that I often validate the absolutely wrong type of jokes ☠️
I know a girl who is sooooooo incredibly funny but all that comes out when she makes an incredibly fast repartee (we talking Robin Williams level of fast and funny) all that comes out of me is “hehe” but I laugh about it for weeks to come lol
It is even more awkward when you realise it was a joke you were supposed to laugh.
adhd but similar problem, like i can't laugh out loud if my brain is in another place while someone is being funny i still respond to what they're saying as if it's serious.... then they'll explain it was a joke and I'm like "yes, I know, (but anyways)..."
"I am upset and uncomfortable."
"How dare you take that tone with me?!?"
Is basically the story of my childhood.
Pretending is what a lot of people live by.
They rather be acting strange, agressive and abusive than being honest with their emotionsn
@@H0kram😭 TOO TRUUUE!!!!
@@H0kramonggggg
Omg… this was also my childhood.
I've had people call me "condescending" because I overexplain as a result of constant communication issues. I experience a lot of the things you've described here, and overexplaining was my solution, and that just created new problems. It's so frustrating and distressing. Thank you for this.
Yes!
I have also gotten the "condescending" label for the SAME reason!! UGH! I feel you!!
Same. Drives me up the wall. I just want to make myself understood. 🫠
FELT
Right! I can’t help it if you, an English speaker using the same dialect as me, can’t understand me when I speak in the absolutely plain colloquial English we all speak who were raised here. Not even proper academic language can get someone to understand when they don’t want to.
I’ve been called condescending so much I’m just like, “maybe so…it seems that most people are idiots so…” and the their nasty looks are for a reason instead of being based on their own assumptions about me. 😹
I have noticed that people often don't listen to what is being said. They listen only long enough to feel confident making an assumption and then they react/respond to their assumption. It's so confusing and frustrating because I try to choose my words very carefully too.
Well Stated.
Isnt that what they should be doing about you? Instead of you playing the fool so freely, I mean.
@@t.a.4356 We all fall short at times with not listening long enough, however, I also know that there are many times that people who do not have ADHD, Autism, Etc. may miss the point in which one may be trying to make for the way we words statements may not make sense to them. Yet, that does not mean one who is Autistic, ADHD, Etc. cannot have conversations with those without such DSM5 diagnostics.
language is only a veneer to communication. The majority of communication for all animals, not just humans, is body language and pheromones. Not picking up on these is abnormal in the entire animal kingdom, not just human society. Normal people can understand what's being said before it has been fully said. It's not mind reading, nor empathy. It's basic attention.
Your filters and assumptions are outright wrong. Normies are bad at communicating and drive each other crazy and dont care enough to better themselves then expect neurodivergent people to do soulsearching just so they can ignore the real issue about their inability to listen without applying their poor and wrong assumptions
Thank you! My son is dating a young woman who I suspect is autistic. She is lovely but misses social cues and has therefore attracted some criticism from other relatives (which I have found rude). You have helped me understand some things I can do to help her feel welcome and accepted. You are absolutely a beautiful person worth knowing!
Something I can say from personal experience is literally just ask questions if you're ever unsure. As long as you're genuine and actually are willing to hear them out on something, no matter how "rude" it may seem at first glance, it's highly unlikely it will come across as offensive. I think I can confidently speak for most of us in saying all we want is for people to *try* and understand, as well as to not judge us for the things we can't control about ourselves.
That alone can honestly be incredibly healing. More than likely we know that it's just as difficult for you to understand us as it is for us to understand you, so simply hearing a genuine question can show us that you're actually trying instead of just judging. We don't need you to understand us 1 for 1, just knowing you're trying is usually enough, because we're trying too.
...Also to clarify...I use "us" and "them" extremely loosely here. I'm simplifying so it's easier to understand what I'm saying, not in an attempt to turn this into "Us vs Them" as that's not productive.
Thank you for being so accepting...
I have so much trauma from the moms in your situation not making these efforts.
💚🫶
So much beauty is missed by the rigidity of typical society. I'm actually a happy person. But I guess they may never know. Thanks for your flexibility. May their relationship be beautiful. All the best.
From a young woman who is terrified of judgement from my boyfriend’s family, thank you for being so understanding and willing to learn!
Autism is fictional.
I think that allistic people view explanations as excuses. That is, they view people explaining themselves as trying to absolve them of having done something wrong. Rather than us who are literally just confused and want mutual understanding.
Yes. YES. This is what it is. I've figured it out after years of abuse for it.
THIS. Right. Here.
I think so too. Never explain. 😢
@@j.k.6089 so like you think it's an excuse or you think that it's what other people think?
Yep, i always go into the rabbit hole explaining everything in detail, bc i like to do that, its like somekind of selfreflection (idk) and end up looking stupid when i explain something wrong. I should just ignore it like normal people but i'm just not like that
You're in an abusive relationship, but it's with the rest of humanity.
Haha😅. This is not funny I know.... but very good wording!
Ooof
You just perfectly explained the cause of my CPTSD.
Hold up is he not who he is. Sorry dont mean to be in the middle of this. Please forgive my sanity.
Why do I feel like you're talking about my own experience? 😮
This. So much this.
38 years is enough.
The over-expressive and under-expressive autism point was so interesting to me. I feel like I had the opposite problem. Unless I'm tired or spacing out, I'm incredibly expressive and animated to the point where it would get me snickers. I always felt like I had to 'tone myself down' and seem more stoic so people could see that I'm also a dignified intellectual who they can't easily get a rise out of. God, accurate self-portrayal is HARD.
That sucks, you should be able to be your jolly self! I hope you get to be in an environment where you don't have to do that!
Same
Just like Elyse Myers said "if I'm too much for you, go find less. Go find less,".
This is me. I'm a bunch of extremes. I'm super super expressive and it's just *a lot* for people so I tend to feel like I'm constantly muted and filtered
I have this problem so bad even when alone sometimes I need the devil's lettuce to fully unmask. It's like I have an excuse now to be my full self. My "filter" is off. It's not a filter darling it is my mask that is suffocating me!! Even when I am alone this fucking internalized ableism is still haunting me. The irony is that I feel like I have such a fool/joker personality that the real me looks like performance but really it is the quiet me that is the most grueling exhausting depressing performance ever
"I'm going out of my way to explain myself and conform to you and I'm still a problem!?" My heart - I dont know if I've ever felt so seen
That thought literally crossed my mind a few days ago during a "misunderstanding" (that evolved into an argument) in a group. After that, I just decided to leave the group.
This is what I never understood about kids that bullied me in school. I'd act like them and do the same things they were into, I'd get bullied anyway, just like when I did my own thing. It made no sense. I changed what they picked on me for, and I still got their shit anyway. I learned the issue isn't me, but everyone else.
@@BeautyMarkRush when you explain that you were joking about something and not being literal, and then they tell you that you're not owning your shit, and to admit that you were wrong
@@bobsaggater3454 yea, that's not what happened back then, but I can remember at least a dozen of times a joke "went wrong" like that, so I understand exactly where you're coming from. Actually, that's the reason why I've started to try to force myself to stop joking with people I don't know/trust. Even with those people, I still ask myself if they'll get the joke or not.
I know! This was sadly so relatable.
I am a 53 year old guy. This video blew my mind. You are describing my life. I have wasted so much energy wondering why people are so put off with my conversation. I can and have easily blamed myself and have been deeply depressed (inside) for years and have asked for help but seemingly there's no help to be had. Nobody seems to even want to understand. Your video has made my day a little brighter, thank you. ❤😊
I'm 39 years old and this girl is literally in my head reading my life's history of thoughts and things I've tried explaining to other people..... at least it feels that way.
@@CornerCastCrew I'm 37 and I feel the same.
I'm almost 50
And she's blowing my mind.
It does feel like she is speaking for me.
@@acapellaawakeninghow do you guys find the strength to live a life and take care of yourselves despite being misunderstood? Genuinely asking because my experience is driving me nuts
The part when you mentioned how you don’t “look” friendly or just seem rude and snobby because the lack of facial expression…I get it. I’ve been told that I have RBF and my own mother even said that because I’m too quiet or refuse to talk to people I barely know makes me seem “snobby” or “rude”. We have to conform to a neurotypical society while putting in tons more effort to appear “normal”. It’s never about being “authentically yourself” it’s about making people comfortable with you because we’re the “problem”. I finally feel seen and understood. Thank you ❤
The people who harp on about being yourself and that nobody is ugly, those are red flags. What they really mean is that they will be themselves and they are not ugly. Play frame it outwards when they don't actually intend it, it's like reverse projection.
Definitely! I'm not snobby or rude most of the time. I don't have a reason to be. That said I also usually don't have a reason to talk to people randomly unless it's just a way to genuinely check how others around me are doing. If someone sends fine or alright, I don't feel the need to bother them! 😂
I came here to tell the story of a girl who I had a college class with who told me "You know, when I first met you , you looked like you would be really mean, but now that I've been around you, you're really sweet." 😂 Girl really just told me I have resting b■tch face, lol. After that I thought back, and knowing that's how I was perceived made a lot of things make sense that didn't in the past. I wish somebody would have just freakin told me I had RBF, I had to be in f■cking college before I even knew!
Anyway, I see you already had described a situation about RBF, so it's apparently pretty common.
Man that's tough, people tell me i come off as passive-agressive, while i changed my behavior because they told me before i was "aggresive-agressive". I don't mean to, i'm just trying to tell the truth.
I've been told again and again people find me "intimidating" or aloof. But half the time I'm masking sensory shit or compartmentalizing. Also recently realized that it's a social norm to infer based on what is not being said and I don't do that well.... At all. Proof positive i can do but proof negative immediately feels like projection and I discard it unless I'm reading media instead of people. But then people make snap judgements based on that inference.
But I'm just like wait how do you do that and account for assumptions and uncertainty factors?... They don't....😮 The fact that this communication works at all is a mystery but the fact that I keep being asked what i really mean indicates I'm the outlier.🙃
People think I am either a genius or an idiot. The truth is neither, but no one has any idea what I am about - try as I might.
Thank you for this video.
Cause your multifaceted and these people want straight forward simple one track minded
Yes!
I tried the precise articulation to avoid being misunderstood that you are describing. The people listening to me had never heard that sophisticated vocabulary before. They looked words up in a dictionary after I left, and told me about it later. They concluded that I was deliberately showing off how literate I am and deliberately trying to make them feel stupid. 🤦🏼♀️
I learned that when someone has decided to not like you, they will invent more reasons not to like you. It’s best to get as far away from them as possible and go find other people; someday, you’ll get lucky and find your people. Keep looking.
My whole family has a high vocabulary, so I grew up around bigger words, and I sometimes forget what the small word for what I'm saying is.
This same thing happened to me! Only in my case she started crying in front of me. She never did believe that I wasn’t making her feel dumb on purpose. I use limit vocabulary now. The plus side, is I’m really good at explaining complex topics to kids.
Lol I've been accused many times of showing off and "using big words", but I'm literally just trying to communicate as effectively as possible. A lot of times I'm like, "THAT'S a big word? I learned that in 3rd grade.. and so did you."
@beadfan_85 yeeesss
When they try that big word bs on me, I just let them know that I speak that way because I think that way and that I shouldn’t have to dumb myself down for the benefit of illiterates. They are attempting to be dismissive and I don’t let the get away with it. Good thing for me I don’t have to be popular 🤣🤣🤣.
I'm not autistic. But as a scapegoat, I feel you.
I just gave up...
I'm 31 yo woman. I have no family no friends no nothing. Nobody understands me and nobody wants to listen. Because I don't want to "mask" anymore.
The last time I talked to another person was more than a year ago.
It's so weird a lot of things you said resonate me.
Waiting here for people to listen.. I don't want to prove myself anymore. It's exhausting.
Keep being yourself... and your circle of people will find you. If that is what you want.
@@Baleiric thanks
Hey, I don't know you but you COULD be autistic, seeing as a lot of things Morgan said resonated with you. Maybe you should look into it some more, nothing bad could come of it and if you realise that you are in fact autistic then it will (hopefully) be so amazing and validating for you.
It is estimated that over half of actually autistic people are undiagnosed! It's crazy! Particularly women were missed because autism was originally studied in males and often presents differently in females. I've had an autistic friend my whole life who had pointed out autistic traits that I have but I never thought I ACTUALLY could be because I didn't even know getting "missed" from diagnosis as a young child was even a thing. When I discovered the above statistic, I started researching autism intensely and realised eventually that I am autistic at age 14.
@aboutnol thats me as well. I am a 30 year old woman no kids no family no nothing no support
And you shouldn't need to prove yourself to anybody, keep being ya self ❤
As a 57 yr old Audhd woman.
I have often had the same thoughts.
Alistics, often come to a conversation expecting something else behind our words , or behaviors.... Expecting motives.
The fact that we are honest and blunt, we say exactly what we mean, confuses them.
They try to figure out what we "really" mean.... When we just told them.
Their indirect communication style is the issue.
Kinda feel like key are the ones who are always deceptive or duplicitous and don't know how to communicate in a straightforward manner. Maybe they should learn from us and start communicating like civilized people. 😆
@@AngryTenko
Absolutely!
@@AngryTenko yes, I had friends before. lots of them, but in the end I felt everybody was some kind of psychopath and then I understood it was me, I don't understand why it is ok to say one thing but meant something else.
I am undiagnosed and so not sure if I'm autistic, but this issue of decoding others' hidden meanings is absolutely representative of my lived experience. I can't tell you how many times I'll have a conversation with my mother about a family event and she has made up five different stories about what a certain person "meant" (but didn't say). She'll get all worked up. It's like we went to a different party. I have never understood why people don't just say what they mean. Half the time, people get offended because of something I didn't even say! "But you meant X," they'll say. "Did I say X?" I'll ask. "No," they'll admit. "If I said Y, I meant Y, not X." Honestly, what even is this? Why is everyone speaking in code all the time? Why say one thing when you mean another? I don't get it at all.
@@sircharlesmormont9300 The explanation is within Game Theory and Economics. There could be other fields. If you let everyone else know everything about you, you enter their mind, they can control you. You obey them. Talking is a form of submission. If you like show X, then they create a spinoff, you'd dislike it at first, but you know you'd like it eventually, that's psychological economics. This is why Stoicism and Taoism is so important.
I'm a contradicting autistic, which is probably why I've gone sooooo long being undiagnosed. I can lack expression or have too much, I can be quiet or I can be too talkative. I can want to go out or want to stay in, I can like routine or abhor it, articulate or a mess at a loss for words. Order and chaos. I don't know how it works!!
I'm autistic but I also have ADHD and they're constantly at odds with one another, so I feel this
@@CompanionBeansI'm self diagnosed AuDHD and.... yeAH! My ADHD self overstimulates my autistic self and I believe this is why we get so LOST in the mental health care system. It can look like bipolar. You're hyper focusing and getting LOADS done then you burn out... It can look like BPD because the ADHD makes emotions very hard to control and being misunderstood is just so heartbreaking when you find someone who you believe is the only person who will put up with you they can look like a "favorite person" I wonder how many of us are still just... lost. I'm lost but at least I have a map I'm learning to read. I guess we just have to keep spreading the word like the religious!!!
@@STRcircaFKR yes exactly!!! ugh it's so frustrating sometimes
I'm autistic and have ADHD, and I'm pretty much the same way.
Me too❤
Hi Morgan, a bit of advice from a ‘much’ older neurodivergent auntie… If you can, get involved in things that let you interact with people from outside your normal circle - different age groups, different interests, different nationalities, different first languages, classes learning something new with other newbies. Those are circumstances in which everyone has to do a little ‘translating’ for clear communication anyway and it requires everyone to exert effort for clarity and relationship. Relationships I’ve made in those circumstances have been the most rich and long-lasting of my life.
Interesting, I find that as a child I always felt more comfortable with adults than other children even if the adults didn't know what to do with that. Also I find that I tend to get on with foreigners more, I think because they already have to translate?
This is so true and such good advice! I always struggled with communication with extroverts in my groups at work. When we began working with offshore consultants I often found myself just naturally slipping into the role of "translator". For one, I had very little trouble with understanding different accents. I feel like it's just a matter of having the patience to listen? I also seemed to have a knack for rephrasing something and then asking the speaker if they could elaborate. Many of the offshore folks could do the same for me. I guess it's all related to having been so easily misunderstood all my life.
@@AriMacneilyes!!!! I just posted similar comments below. And throughout my adult life, I've always had more of a natural rapport with people at least 10 years older than me.
@@lorilimper5429if it was just about "patience to listen" things would be different. For a no ND person it takes huge amount of energy to communicate w a ND person - who explains. Theory of mind plus emotional empath aren t just automatic actions. It s mechanisms who require so much energy that humans don t have it. They ll burn out ultimately. Or it s what happened to me idk if i m some unique case. I could be a friend w a ND person & it was one of the most fullfiling -real friendships i had. But that s bcs most ppl nowdays are narcissistic= superficial, don t care to invest time/energy to know anyone (w same brain wiring that things are easier). If we were romantically involved i would just had run out of energy, i d had end up w health issues. I m 40yo & i dealt w so different ppl all my life (my parents PD so it took me years to realise my normal. & i m sick as i didn t search to fullfill my emotional needs (w ppl who perceive them in my way). If u want to express yourselves i understand it. But egoentricity bcs it s autism & the rest that follow, the bubble & continuing to live inside isn t helpful. Ppl are good+bad & societies define the values w whom ppl live. & the last century is "The cetury of the self". Check if u want Fromm s "Sane society". I mean what you face isn t a NT thing but sick s NT. (& i m not NT i just value the objective truth)
❤ so true! I’ve lived overseas for a decade now n I credit this life change to opening me up to understanding myself better and ultimately discovering I’m not bad or broken. I’m autistic.
"you're so argumentative!" --- "you always have to be right!" --- "you're overthinking it!"
Lol "overthinking!" That one annoys me so much. I do overthink sometimes when anxious, but its actually a processing deficit. I am not thinking at all when I can't process... I am just trying to work it out. Allistics confuse the two
This@@markpw2613
I'm a high school teacher, I teach English as a foreign language. I love your channel and watch every one of your videos to educate myself about neurodiversity. I want to be able to understand my students, who maybe don't realise they are autistic, I'm trying to assume competence and not judge them because you make me realise that they may struggle a lot. I've gone through a lot of literature but nothing gave me more understanding than videos like yours, explaining "from the inside". Keep doing this great work. ❤😊
That's very kind of you to look out for your students! Im certain that if you do have any ND students, they surely appreciate the effort your putting in lots because I would!
I wish i (and my kids) had teachers like you
As an Autistic parent, I found myself explaining Autism to the Special Education teachers, because they didn't know anything about Autism! Having to translate myself and my child into terms they could grasp was exhausting.
That's really good from you. There are really some mean teachers out there that do the opposite, it's like if they enjoy to traumatize kids and teens with words. You can make the difference.
I guarantee that your efforts are very much appreciated by more students than you know.
This hits waaaaay close to home.
My biggest trauma is when people misunderstood me completely and didn't tell anything, only for me to find out years later because someone else told me.
Yes. I hate that. ❤
Yep, I hear so much about myself from other people that I don't even know who I am anymore. Am i this senstive person who's trying to look out for everyone else or am I really this monster that everyone says I am behind my back. It's very confusing.
I hate it when i explain how i feel and they say they understand but then go and talk bad about me and twist what i said
It took two years... I am glad to have them back in my life, but it all happened because I wasn't ready to admit to what I had been through.
This happened to me in highschool, and caused me so much issues I'm STILL paranoid about it 7 years later
When people ask me why I over-explain myself…lol. This. This is why. Thank you, Morgan!
I never thought of myself as a bad communicator, but I just realized how exhausting it is. Always.
"I am draining all of my energy and all of my social battery just to please other people and make other people feel comfortable around me."
@@kyzmit8980 don't people please. It's a dead end. You'll never get off that treadmill.
Diagnosed ADHD, possibly undiagnosed ASD. You make so much sense to me; like you're speaking my native language. The main reason I think I may have ASD is that I keep encountering diagnosed people and they make so much sense to me, whereas most other people are so goddamn confusing. Like the constant lying for "politeness" and projecting their bizarre thoughts and alien emotions onto me, stuff I don't and probably can't do. They think I'm trying to climb some kind of imaginary pecking order that I don't perceive and wouldn't care about even if I did (which seems to enrage people who do care about it). I was once accused of trying to poison people at a pot-luck, a situation of pure imagination that was immediately completely dis-proven, and I still couldn't tell you why (probably because I didn't make the right face or do the correct eye contact). No such thing happened, there was no poison, no one got sick, no evidence of any kind, no crimes were committed; it was a thing of pure imagination. I couldn't even imagine imagining such a thing. The baseless accusation of attempted murder (or whatever they were imagining) kind of psychologically broke me. I spent 30 years mutilating my outward persona and behavior to try to conform (hiding my rocking and pacing, forcing eye contact and facial expressions is excruciating and exhausting) and that's where it got me.
The only people I talk to now turn out to be neurodivergent or have a friend group that is half neurodivergent. I'm as isolated as possible from unknown neurotypical people who aren't immediate family.
Same boat and definitely relate!
@@Emeraldstardust444 Yup, I also went down the hypermobility to ADHD to ASD self diagnosis to official diagnosis pipeline. Wasn't diagnosed officially till my late 40's, but as soon as I got into a community with a lot of neurodivergent people in it, I realised that suddenly I understood and was BEING understood so much better than in mainstream company. It was a huge epiphany. Making peace with the conditions going un noticed and undiagnosed by so many health care providers and mental health workers and family is a work in progress, but at least I now KNOW why I always feel like an alien among humans.
I'm also not diagnosed w ASD but STRONGLY suspect I have it, and SAME. For the life of me I cannot get ANYONE to understand me and they get so upset even though I'm trying to explain to them I just CAN'T communicate like them!!! I can't just force myself to talk in the same specific, confusing way average ppl do and it's so exhausting and lonely. I find myself relating more to diagnosed autistics than neurotypicals and I really want to get assessed so I can actually get taken seriously and not getting yelled at just bc I literally don't see things the same way as everyone else.
Not even my own PARENTS understand that I just CAN'T THINK OR ACT LIKE THEM no matter how much I tell them!!
Same, you really got me with that pecking order thing, I hate that, it’s so weird.
haha i know this i can tell you they cant Imagine is the Problem... you took ritalin or Something for adad? ... i Imagine some people only exist in this ritalin overdose tunnel existance
Something I heard recently that made so much sense - "allistic people hear explanations as excuses". So yes it does make them angrier. They think we're not taking responsibility for our rudeness; when, in fact, we're not responsible for it any more or less than they are
Welcome to regular shit. So, your behavior that caused the incident isn't to blame? Weird.
@@IgnoreMeImWrongCorrect. It is the bizzare and impossible to predict nonsensical interpretations of the initial behaviour that are the problem.
Once, there was peace and pleasant communication. Then, there was hatred and anger in response to goodwill and friendship. Who introduced evil to this world?
@@Thalanox Women.
I've lost jobs over this exact thing
What annoys me the most is they ask a question, you start explaining and they cut you off midsentence with some petty insult or 'youre making excuses'. Why even ask if they dont want to listen
I've been conforming so hard since such a young age that now I'm too hyperfocused and attuned to facial expressions, the emotions of others, and actively acting upon my empathetic reads. I spend so much energy constantly worrying about how everyone else is doing and what I need to do to make things easier for them that I never take care of myself.
Same
I used to be like that until I stopped caring I can't figure out social cues and don't understand them but only some of the time I am the way I am and if someone has an issue with that then that's on them I can't control how someone else is going to be only how I react in a situation social cues are hard to grasp so I often tell people when I meet them that I don't understand them and if they have an issue with me or anything I say then they can tell me so I can work on the problematic behaviour and I can apologise otherwise I won't know that I've done something wrong
I agree with bluehornet, you have to put yourself first. Focus on whether other people make you happy or if you like them. If not, don't keep them around! They will drain you and you will never make them happy because they don't want to understand. That would take too much effort. If someone isn't putting in the effort, I won't either. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it's the minimum for self care and happiness.
OP, I totally identify. I spent my entire life trying to unlearn this. Even going as far as counseling psychology for grad school. My empathy is my superpower and my greatest downfall. Only now figuring out that I am likely autistic at 48. I also have MS, in large part, because I didn’t get it all figured out in time to create the meaningful change and boundaries necessary, even though I have literally been actively working on it since I was 12. So I totally understand if it’s become your mask and hyper focus. Getting in therapy as she states is a key way to learn more and help not only better understand, but help create a safe place for change. Best wishes.
Other comments here are not helpful. We don’t need to be shaming each other. Great that you’ve learned to do something different. Surviving, figuring it out and unmasking is all really hard work.
Me too. In my version of autism, I don’t have trouble seeing social cues and body language. I see too much of it and it’s overwhelming. I pick up on every little micro detail and I can see people processing what I’m saying as I say it. It’s like being on the phone when there’s a slight echo and you hear yourself talking. 😂
I have given up on trying to explain myself to to world. I live my life according to my own whims, and i don't let anyone bully me into conforming to their standards. It gets absolutely exhausting. Taking this stance has given me so much inner peace.
SAME! i pretty much have zero friends and have become quite selective of who i even share my time or energy with. for what when it is never enough for them, they always misunderstand, they always want to contort you into their version of you they have in their head then become upset when you are still just…you. i focus on things i enjoy, i have many hobbies, and even that has been criticized and turned into “you are just selfish and full of yourself, you think you’re better than everyone” blah blah, i enjoy my peace away from that noise. 😅
Thank God there's people here who exactly live and think the way I do. This comment made my day, and I'm on the path to following my dreams right now, and both the comment and the reply here are so motivating to me. Sometimes when I notice I don't have as many friends as other people, it's easy to go into that guilt trip spiral of thinking maybe it's because I'm in the wrong and there's something wrong with me and I gotta "pipe down" and what not. It's honestly enough to lead me into stages of depression in my life, rooting from this mentality I've had for years.
I may be getting a little ahead of myself here with all that, but man I just wanted to express how affirmed and thankful i felt after reading your words for some reason. 🙏🏼🙏🏼😢
@@drvren030 This made me smile. I'm so glad my comment resonated with you. Love, peace, and chicken grease my friend 🫶
Turning my life over to the Lord gave me my foundation and peace. I'm not meant to confirm to the world
Having difficult to communicate makes me isolate myself out of frustration, and isolating myself makes me depressed
adopt a pet! Go outside and find new little experiences. Life is large and grand there's more to life than humans. If you need someone to share your thoughts with record a journal it's what people did before cars when your likely hood of finding like minded folks if you were "different" were very low.
2:11 ~ after more than 50 years, I’ve had to finally pull away from my family, including my son, because I was making myself miserable, terribly sad and suicidal because I realised I was putting all the effort into trying to establish more honest relationships with my family, post late diagnosis, and they were putting in zero effort - despite them saying that if I want people to care about me I have to make an effort!
It’s sad, but I’m done. But the great thing is, since I made this decision a couple of weeks ago, I’m getting jobs done that I’ve been wanting to do for years and it’s like my life is finally slowly coming together naturally.
I was clearly using all my energy to try and get my family to care about me.
we’ll be your family! the online community of caring folk here ❤
i get it tho, that you may not wanna hear that. i admire your strength to make the choice to put yourself first in a truly impactful way.
Well done! :) I am working on doing the same, I grew up in a narcissistic family system with extreme abuse, yet the child in me can't just cut them off. It helps to hear that others have done it, it gives me strength, so thank you!
@@AlexisTwoLastNames thank you 💞 it’s actually really good to hear 💓 I’m still in the ‘going through it’ stage, but I keep acknowledging that despite how low I might be feeling, I’m eating and drinking and on some days getting jobs done in the house and I’ve started a couple of on-line study courses, so I must want to stay alive and slowly but surely I’m seeing little glimmers of hope, so I think I’m just processing the emotions etc and that soon I’ll start to build a life where I can be me and that I’ll be happier than I’ve ever been.
@@autumn5852 i’m glad to hear that. you may be a stranger, but i care for you and hope each day is brighter and more in tune with you and your wants and needs. i’ll make sure i do something great for myself today. have a fabulous day!
@@Roswell33 it’s not easy and this is my second or third attempt, it might be more. But this time is different. This time I’m done with trying to get them to care for me and to interact with me while respecting me etc. I know my family aren’t narcissists but there are definitely a lot of behaviours that are like that, which is probably why I ended up in relationships with narcissists.
I take a lot of time to process emotions and I think that’s what I’m doing now. So even though my life might not look like I want it to look just yet, I’m still glad I made this decision and I honestly belief I’m going to grow in strength and confidence from it. It just takes time.
I’ve been watching a lot of videos on people leaving cults and high demand religions, and it has really helped me to understand my emotions and difficulties with leaving the family behind.
Best of luck to you and much love and I truly believe we will be a thousand times happier than holding on to something that doesn’t really exist. I already am happier. XXX
Man, can I relate. It hurts the most when it comes from my mom and my husband, because they're the people I love the most. It annoys me when it's other people, but mostly I don't care anymore. I don't really care if I don't have friends.
Anyway, I picked my mom up from the airport one day and during the whole ride I tried to please my mom, asking her how was her travel, if she wanted me to put on music or stop for some food. She barely spoke to me the whole ride. I just assumed she was tired, and honestly, I didn't mind. I felt peaceful and content the whole 3 hour ride just to be close to my mom.
Later she tells my family that I was so angry about having to pick her up, she was afraid to talk to me during the whole ride. I was flabbergasted! I had no idea what made her believe that! She said it was because I looked angry. So, my eyes are small and very sensitive to light and I tend to squint and lower my brows against the sun. Also I have large lips that were always the subject of criticism in my family, a common expression towards me was, "Siempre con la trompa pará" which basically means "always pouting" in spanish, implying I was angry or annoyed or being rude, when I really wasn't.
I've spoken to her about this, yet she still judges me by my face and features I can't control.
The whole time she really thought I was angry or upset and she was "afraid" to talk to me? That really hurt.
Another example, I recently complained about a carton of icecream I bought, because it was supposed to be cookies and cream, but most of it was pure "cream" with no cookies. Somehow, my husband took it as an attack on him and got all defensive and, a bit of an 🫏 to be honest. I still don't understand how in the world he could have interpreted that as an attack on him and not the ice cream company and he never explained how. I'm still a bit mad at him for that one.
Neurotypicals can be very quick to judge and quick to be defensive. Stay calm and repeat you are not angry, autism affects nerve development and it takes a lot of effort to change your face to look picture perfect all the time. Then repeat you are not angry and they need to figure out where it’s coming from, because it’s not your problem, it’s theirs.
I can relate so much to this. It happens quite a lot, l mean I would do or say something harmless and without any hidden meaning, sometimes just to try to start a conversation (being a quiet girl sometimes you get judged for this trait too) and people would just somehow take it either as me complaining or me being passive aggressive. I don't understand, really. Like you said, I don't care that much with strangers but when it's the people you love the most it can be very hurtful.
For instance, I still remember having a humble street food dinner with my ex, it was basically a local dish of meatball soup. The meatballs we had were relatively smaller than average so I made a comment on that ("oh, the meatballs are small." I believe was what I said.) My heart was like 🥰 because I LOVE them smaller just like they were, but my face was like 😐, to be fair because i'm not great at making facial expressions to be honest. Somehow he thought I was complaining and mildly snapped and said "what did you expect??" like he was disgusted of me. I was in complete shock. I mean I was basically complimenting the food but what he understood from me was that I was complaining. It seemed like nothing but it really hurt at the time. And one part was because after all these years you still don't know I love smaller meatballs? gtfo 😅😂
Omg my face never matches what's going on inside but ppl judge based on what they see ugh.
@@kurehanzo ugh yes! I often make benign comments, just observations or trying to start a conversation and people always assuming I'm complaining or being negative. I'm also pretty quiet and people think I'm standoffish or stuck up! I lose either way!
Honestly they both sound toxic!
I like you. You're authentic, open, and rich with emotion. I'm autistic too and I completely understand you. I really appreciate brave and altruistic souls like yourself.
It's not often I watch a video where someone is just literally describing, word for word, my life experiences and trauma with communication.
Wishing everyone the best who are dealing with all this daily.
ditto
THIS
This
Due to neurotypicals being the majority, it is unfortunately a near universal experience for all autistic people as far as I see.
Edit: I do believe if we were the majority it honestly would go the other way, with neurotypicals being traumatized and frustrated by not being understood for their tones, facial movements, and body language.
I personally think the honest straight forward fact driven communication is superior.
The world would be a much better place with your communication style. I would be friends with you happily. I have never been able to relate with people you explained it so well. I do great with animals and kids everyone else is much like you describe. You are awesome.
Agreed!! ❤ I would Totally be friends with her too~ I'm late diagnosed, and have the same struggles. So, I decided to put out "antenna" for people like me, and it's working! We have a small group meetup tomorrow, and we're really EXCITED for it🎉 Sometimes we just have to make our own party🥂💃
Excessive nonverbal and non direct communication just seems immature like a child playing hard to get or not being emotionally mature enough to say what they think
I am not saying that everything should nbe that way, but the world would be a better place if people learned to operade on that modus in crituical situations , or if htey really want to not be misunderstood.
Why can t that be commonly taught.
Agreed. Especially in the workplace. I began really struggling at work in the last 10 years or so as the culture shifted to valuing feelings over facts - even to the point of punishing the "negativity" of reporting on super critical facts that are detrimental to the business.
Thankfully facts were more important in the 20 years before that so I prospered and saved for retirement. I've left now and they can burn.
I wish we could take superior/inferior out of it. Isn't that exactly what allistics have done to you your whole life? It's great to know which style you prefer and seek people out who have that style. But speaking as someone whose caught in the middle between allistic and autistic (ADHD, lots of autistic traits, but not actually autistic), and has had a really painful time trying to communicate both with allistics and with my lovely autistic ex, it's not about inferiority, it's just about a lot of people wanting to be understood, and not even understanding that they, in their turn, are misunderstanding those they want to be understood by as well. And I include myself in this by the way, misunderstanding while yearning to be understood, but I do keep working at it.
Honestly I wish I could tell people to knowledge that im autistic and they're not supposed to expect me to be the opposite I am, so I really love how you talk about it :)
🥰🥰
I do exactly that I greatly and resent resent when any neurotypical who does and I tell them as much.
@ IsabelaYupe me too
Yes! So many instances in my life where people are like "why do you do this? Why do you act like that? Why do you talk this way?" I wish I could just say I'm autistic and have them actually understand and accomodate me properly. Instead, I'm lucky if they just continue on treating me exactly the same with no effort to accomodate me or educate themselves.
Good idea for a custom T-Shirt!
As a child, I was particularly unskilled in what I'll call "quick communication." The kind of communicating that happens in the spur of the moment with little warning or context. Quick communication also happens to be exactly what is necessary to combat verbal bullying. I'm also learning disabled... In other words, I was the perfect mark for quick-witted bullies.
The result of this bullying is that I have since become obsessed with quick, concise, and accurate communication. It is a constant conscious effort.
I also developed an extremely high awareness of all the possible ways that something could possibly be interpreted. Being misunderstood or otherwise misrepresenting myself is a constant concern of mine. I know who I am, I know what I mean, and I have the ability and desire to convey both. But sometimes society just doesn't give you the time to adequately do so and you're left feeling like an interaction gave somebody an inaccurate and inauthentic impression of you and all you can do is replay the moment over and over again in your head to identify the source of the communication breakdown.
Nowadays I don't often feel misunderstood by strangers as I know how to represent myself to them. It's actually the people close to me that will occasionally read into something that isn't there or insist that I meant something more than what I verbalized. When I insist that I meant nothing more than the words I spoke aloud, I'll be accused of twisting things or gaslighting.
It can be very frustrating and I wish more people would consider the possibility that maybe I'm just saying what I am saying and you don't have to make a damn insight check all the time haha. I'm not some mystery that needs to be uncovered, I'm extremely straightforward, probably to a fault.
When you ARE a teenager (and autistic), you’re misunderstood and everyone thinks it’s “oh you’re just a teenager.”
I've been getting that attitude for 40 years, you're just a kid, you're a naive college students, you don't know how the industry works yet, you're a girl you'll never understand. The words change but the sentiment is the same. 😢
To me as an autistic person, your communication feels outstandingly great. I wish more people would communicate this clearly.
She makes us doubt if she is autistic.... She masks it perfectly I guess !
Same, I have no idea how anyone could fail to understand your communication. It's so clear to me.
I'm reminded of many communication incidents in my life. In particular, I'm reminded of a time when I spent 30-45 minutes (way longer than I should have) drafting a work email, trying to find just the right balance between detailed and concise. After I sent it, one of the recipients replied. It was clear that they'd only skimmed the email (which I expected and tried to account for in my draft) and that they had come away from it with COMPLETELY the wrong idea. This wasn't the first time I had difficulty communicating with this coworker. But no one else had any trouble understanding the email, so this definitely wasn't JUST me. I quietly seethed for days afterward, blown away by how careless some people can be with their communication, when any communication with anyone outside my close friends and family requires SO MUCH effort on my part. And, granted, maybe the coworker has their own developmental disability to deal with. But I'm also tired of being the only one (or so it feels) constantly monitoring myself to ensure that I don't make quick and harmful assumptions about others' experiences.
I was recently bullied, ostracized and emotionally pushed around by a neruotypical community and support group leader because i made her feel uncomfortable by my autistic symptoms.
This is beyond relatable.
I think the main error of us autists is to assume people want to understand us. Sometimes, I learned, people have no interest in that. Not only that, sometimes they rather understand us in the wrong way on purpose. Crazy, I know. Makes no sense. But that's the neurotypical world for us...
I know. It's weird.
"Oh, no, woe is me, people don't want to understand how quirky I am"
Yeah, nobody cares. "Normal" people don't care about each other other either. Nobody does. I don't need to know your struggles for a 10 second interaction at the workplace. Learn the rules of communication, stay in your lane, and that's it.
Seriously, why would I want to know about your mental defect? Why would I care? Is my life going to be better because of it? Do you care about my struggles? No. Autistic people are some of the most selfish people I had the misfortune of meeting. So why would I care about your life story, if you don'z care about anyone else's?
Fr. They think ADHD and autism are some "main character" vibes, when we're literally just asking for help and trying our best and working to hope to communicate with each other better and keep peace, but "some" ( not all ) just "some" neurotypical people always want to make up problems that are not there and then get salty when we, the neurodivergents, have real struggle problems. Like??? Huh ??? Why would ANYONE want to seek problems ??
I think they have too much free time in their hands, to the point they get bored and then proceed to seek problems that AREN'T even there in the first place, and then proceed to throw hissy fits when Neurotypicals or other disability people are dealing with an ACTUAL MENTAL DISABILITY and an ACTUAL HEALTH PROBLEM ISSUE.
And then they called people who deal with real disabilities "attention seekers," like.....the irony and arragont is so far inside their a$$ to the point that is kind of hilarious.
The non-verbal communication part of this video is so relatable, especially when you talk about people suddenly blowing up because you're not getting what they're saying.
This has happened a lot in previous relationships.
One time in particular, my partner was suddenly really upset and walked away, then their friend started shouting at me, saying if I don't listen to them, I'm going to end up losing them.
I still don't know what caused it, as far as I'm aware we were all having a nice evening, and my partner and I were having a normal conversation.
I just remembered being confused because I had been listening to everything they were saying and responding, this was not the only time something like that happened, but it certainly was one of the most upsetting for me, it has upset me thinking about it.
I know this might sound biased and exclusive, but one of the main things I now look for when trying to find someone to date and potentially get into a relationship with is if they're autistic, purely because I can communicate so much easier with other neurodivergent people and it rarely leads to negative experiences associated with miscommunication such as what I mentioned above.
Thank you for your videos, they highlight a lot of experiences neurodivergent people go through and hopefully help us to be more understood.
Clicked this video as an allistic person, hoping to understand my autistic loved ones a little better. I see their challenges, I feel my own frustration and theirs when we try to communicate with each other, and want to be one of the people in their life who meets them half way. Everyone deserves to be understood. I feel like I understand a little better how masking plays such a huge role in an autistic person navigating an allistic world, and how so much extra daily effort is expended just for folks to “pass” in social settings. Thank you for your video!
From what I'm seeing, it shouldn't be so difficult to understand.
Why does it take so much work to communicate with basic data and facts?
@@adamwalker2377 hmmm, I mean it's a good question! I think it's because not all conversations are fact-based, and there are a lot of so-called unspoken rules in every community and culture, about what to say, how to say it, who you can say it to etc. not everybody knows those rules, and some people know and ignore it, and it's not always obvious who is ignoring the rules, and who simply doesn't know. And all people have different sensitivities, some folks can identify without being explicitly told, others cannot, and not every person is comfortable with sharing their sensitivities. People are different, complex, and grew up around different cultures, such that even two allistic people have to work hard to understand each other. Heck, parents and children struggle to understand one another because all the data that goes unidentified.
In the end, all relationships take effort, some more than others, but if you're willing to put the work in and be patient I think that's what matters.
For me, Morgan's videos have given me information and tools to do better work to understand where my autistic friends and family come from :)
@@hiitsmoto I'm not buying it.
Listen to her voice. She's obviously not flippant about it, and yet she can't win. Something really unfair is going on here.
The normal rules of fair play don't appear to be honored by the other side. If I were autistic, I'd be ready to say, "Screw it. I can't win, and I'm done playing your stupid game".
How on earth can you exchange information without using...information? Why does the group that beats around the bush and lies get primacy?
@@adamwalker2377 I'm afraid I don't have answers to those questions! I can only speculate from my experience, and how I understand the world and why these situations where our autistic loved ones may get misunderstood and treated unfairly as a result.
I think we can only do our best to listen, to be kind and understanding to the people around us, and educate the way Morgan has here.
You're kind-hearted for being frustrated on the behalf of folks like Morgan. I wish you all the best!
@@hiitsmoto good on you for wanting to learn and understand how to better communicate that's a big step I know many alistic people who don't care to understand and want to hold their own noses high like they haven't done anything wrong when they are the ones being unclear this is why I have grown to be a very blunt direct person and extremely honest and open I have found this has created issues for some people but how I see it is that is their problem not mine honestly mate I congratulate you for wanting to learn keep it up my friend
For me, the worst part is that people assume I have a dark motive. They assume i'm out to get them, when I'm really not. Sometimes, I hurt people without meaning to. If I ask what I did wrong, they assume I'm playing dumb and that I knew what I was doing. They assume I'm being manipulative. I hate how people don't see me as a human being. They just villianise me
OMG, I so feel this. Not having boundaries respected because I'm not acting dramatic enough. Telling someone I'm angry about some injustice/harm they're perpetrating/enabling only for them to utterly disregard my words. Having someone beat around the bush, hint hint hinting at some problem, where it's obvious I'm missing a key piece of information but still refuse to tell me what the problem is. So frustrating!
Honestly, this is why I so deeply prefer autistic dominant spaces. I can finally RELAX knowing my words will be taken at face value, my words won't constantly be misconstrued to represent something other than what I plainly said, and I can accept people's word as representing them rather than having to burn through so much bandwidth processing what all their different agendas might possibly be for saying what they're saying. The bandwidth relief alone makes it so much more comfortable being in autistic communication spaces.
This video and these comments, especially yours, are so crazy to read because of how relatable they are. I've never been in many what you called autistic dominant spaces, but they do sound incredible especially after seeing just how much I have in common with a lot of other autistic people and they're not just problems with me
I've never been in an autistic space unfortunately. However I do put myself first and only keep people around who do not constantly exhaust me. I also prefer to live abroad, because as a foreigner I'm already considered weird and nobody is thinking about how I'm just a little off but they can't put their finger on why.
@@crubip2976 , I’ve only discovered autism shaped spaces while looking for other things. My children’s inclusive homeschool group that basically had all the people rejected from other groups (religion, sexuality/gender, mental illness, race, disability, etc) was very autism dominant. A lot of LGBTIQA groups are autism-skewed in leadership, and trans spaces are particularly autism dominant. Less authoritarian religious groups that people are far more likely to convert to than be born into tend to be comfortable spaces for autistic people. In my area that is mostly earth-centered religions. (Every Druid & pagan priestx I know are autistic.) There are reasons I won’t join but all the members I know of our local Mensa chapter are autistic. I don’t know any of the adult members but our local model railroading club was a very warm and welcoming environment for autistic kids in my life. Lots of internet, database, and platform companies in my area have autism dominant cultures. The atheist meetups in my area and in surrounding areas are autism dominant spaces. I think groups organized around special interests have a greater chance of having more autistic folks in them.
True story:
I’d be shocked if my oldest was treated for autism and not diagnosed autistic. No, I wouldn’t be shocked; I’d believe the clinician want skilled. lol
Anyway, my oldest is a submariner. When he was in training, everyone kept assuming he was a nuclear engineer. My son was offended by this as he viewed the nukes as “social not-rights,” weirdos who were book smart with no people skills. He was incensed and didn’t understand why people would keep making this mistake. He was confident in his intelligence but couldn’t understand why, without him obviously displaying his intelligence, people would think he was a nuclear engineer. You know why, right? Everyone was picking up on the autistic vibe that resonated so strong among the nuclear engineers; they also picked up on that in my son who didn’t see that in himself. FWIW my son’s high school sweetheart was (and still is) autistic. One allistic girl pined over him for years and that became the occasional situationship that only ended in her end when my husband set her up with someone else (also autistic) who she ended up marrying. My son’s wife, his second real relationship, is also autistic.
In my experience, autistic people just find each other, vibe, and clump together.
@@jessn.3851 , Paul MacAuliffe (?) who has the Autism From the Inside YT channel has a few videos where he talks about alien syndrome among autistic folks. He very much advocates autistic people go to spaces where they are the outsider for the reason you mention. Many missed cues are given grace for being from a different background and are either ignored without negative repercussions or explained. Some people are more likely to delight in an outsider’s differences than they would in the same differences in one of their own. That is one of the reasons Paul encourages international travel among autistic folks who can handle it. The nice thing is it’s a strategy that can be leveraged in more situations than transnational travel.
Totally agree. The first time I ended up in a classroom with autistics I felt at peace, but also undeserving to be there.
Yup. I would always have meltdowns because i felt misunderstood. I was desperate. I couldn't communicate what i needed
I've had four this weekend. Three today bc I'm being bullied by other tenants in the building; they're trying to get me kicked out for being "different"
@@msmltvcktl that's just straight up discrimination. I hope they stop tormenting you. You don't deserve what they're saying and doing. Take some time, if the other tenants haven't spoken to the landlord yet, and write a response explaining how ridiculous the other tenant's demands are. If not as a letter, but as an outline of what you need to get across to the landlord.
May the Fates smile kindly on you in this time of desperation. And I hope you find the best strategies to help you regulate after these meltdowns ✌💖
I had them because I was constantly having my needs neglected no matter how much I communicated this to my family. They were the kind to tell me to "toughen up" and ignored my diagnosis so I left them/moved really far away with short notice. The literal second they realized that I could be independent and they couldn't just abuse me/force me to take said abuse meant the "I'm sorry"s and "I'm going to therapy and getting better"s started to fly. Because of the way I've been treated I actively avoid neurotypicals.
I have vivid memories of being a kid and trying desperately to explain to my teacher why I was upset, only for them to misunderstand me over and over and over again until I was in a full-blown sobbing meltdown. They often had to pull my brother out of class to see if he could translate what I was trying to say.
I have trouble connecting to people and unmasking now because the second I start behaving and communicating authentically, I am misunderstood.
@@IJustAnimateThatsTheJistyour story is almost exactly the same as mine except my parents refused to get me tested because im a girl. Even though looking back it could not have been any more obvious.
Yes I am always misunderstood.
I will always try tell people things
But they don't understand so they always misinterprete what I'm trying to say. I have lost so many friends😢 because I was always blunt and to them that's mean.
Like they would ask me if the dress makes them look weird and I would say yes you do look weird.
I was losing friends to just being truthful I didn't know she wanted me to lie. So I am so grateful for someone talking about these things on the internet.
I relate to everything you said! its so infuriating and ur not alone
Man, I feel sorry for you. I'm autistic and I don't think I had friends who asked me things like those cause when I did have friends I was very little. But like, why can't people be more specific about what they mean? Obviously if your asking my opinion I'm going to give my opinion. That's what little me probably would have said lol. I have somewhat of a filter, so I know when to be truthful and when to not be truthful. Although, it's kind of hard for me to be truthful when it either offends people or people don't get it. Personally, I think if someone asked me that question I would say "Don't ask me MY opinion, if you like how it looks on you then go ahead and wear it. You don't need everyone's opinion on what something looks like on you cause as long as you like it that's all that matters to me." I'm also always misunderstood. I hope one day I can find at least a few close friends and that I'm not so lonely in the future.
@@morgaanfoley thank you
@@reneedittmer9625 I totally agree
If they wanted you to lie, then they weren’t your friends to begin with. Their lose not yours. If you need someone to tell you lies all your life then maybe you have insecurities you need to deal with. Better for you that you don’t have to deal with it. Just my opinion. Also that’s called walking on eggshells. Those are not friends those are demons.
I stopped trying to please others a long time ago. I have completely withdrawn from society and get most of my social interaction from online.
Oof that both bad and good I'm in the same situation but I kno it isn't healthy to do it I'd recommend atleast trying to get out even tho I kno it can suck
i remember having a meltdown in front of my best friends because i felt like no matter what I said or how much I tried to communicate my thoughts and feelings to them, I still felt like I just couldn’t put my thoughts perfectly to words, and that I was failing to explain myself every single time. I will never forget the relief I felt when they said they understood that I was hurting from this and they wanted to understand me, and they would be patient with me. It definitely payed off being vulnerable in that moment, because I was terrified I would be too much. I’m pretty sure we’re all neurodivergent and thats why they could see I wasn’t trying to be manipulative, I was screaming for someone to understand me. I hope everyone can find friends like this. It look a lot of pain and heartache, sometimes its really hard to put your true thoughts out there, but with the right people its worth it.
I’m hoping this can provide some hope of feeling understood by others.
"Screaming for someone to understand me"... this has been my whole life.
You're not alone, but I'm sorry you've had to deal with this too. It's exhausting and hard and stupid. Keep fighting, remember you're worth being understood.
They must have also been on the spectrum or ND for sure, Neurotypical people really just don’t clarify things that way or know the experiences we have.
Thank you so much for this !
I'm also late diagnosed and ever since finding out I'm autistic I'm really sad about how unbalanced this is.
I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to understand a foreign language and now I've finally found my mother tongue but no one wants to learn it. I'm explaining autism to my friends, sharing ressources, but they don't really care that much, they say "you're you and that's what matters" but if I really matter then learn my ways. I'm always accommodating for everyone else but me and I don't want to do it anymore. I want people who love me to ask questions and be curious about the way I work but they're not and it makes me sad. 💔
I know it's because they don't see how different it is, they don't know how much I've learnt their ways and how much I've restrained myself from being me. And when I try to show them they find me difficult and irrational all of a sudden, or they tell me "yay you've always been a bit blunt" as if they were coping with my quirks all along.
It's like a one sided relationship at this point haha
I think that's the thing that I find the most difficult about getting diagnosed, it's that I am learning to love myself and letting myself be freely autistic but no one wants that and I don't know where to put that version of myself so it's seen and loved and cherished. 💖
I long for a world were people are genuinely curious about our ways and want to learn them without having to do that to survive like we were forced to do with them.
I really relate to that. I also generally care about curiosity and I kinda wish I wasn't as alone in that and could bond more over it with other people.
Those quotes were so accurate, it's not even funny. Are we in The Sims & just given the same starting NPCs??
The trauma that comes out of being misunderstood is so exhausting, thank you for talking about this topic
I teared up when you said that you can't put into words of how much it hurts to be mislabeled as bad and being so misunderstood because I FEEL THIS to my core. It's just so sad. And when you try to explain yourself, they just start judging you even more.
I gave up this battle long ago.
I have build an intensive script I use to communicate, all lines I stole from other peoples conversations.
And the funny thing is, almost no one notices that I'm doing it.
It's weird how programmed "normal" peoples conversations are, so much so that I get away with what I'm doing.
I did that with learning english!!😂
Yes yes yes. So who’s the truly nutty brained one? 😁
Programmed, or just structured? Is it bad for something to be either of those? The devices we use need it to even be able to parse simple information
@@katzea.a7880 I agree that it’s beyond structure.
Hi how are you
Fine thanks how are you
Great thanks but so hot
I know! How’s Barb and the kids
Just swell Bob, just swell
All lies, preprogrammed answers. Not necessarily bad, just boring and so often a waste of time.
I hardly have any friends. I've recently been having communication issues with my closest one. He's not willing to talk about it and I'm so tired of of changing myself for others. Thank you for sharing; it's nice to know I'm not alone.
so much this 😢 you said so eloquently how I feel and act. 💔
why do we have to work so hard? never thought of it as trauma, and even therapists didn’t realize why I have so many issues with communication, fear etc. thank you so much for sharing
It took me a long time too to realize that I had real and deep trauma from it. A lot of my CPTSD is linked to communication. I’m sorry you relate so much🥺❤️
I honestly thought this whole time it was only me, but holy crap! I've experienced literally EVERYTHING you have and on a regular basis, especially the "Hey, you've been being annoying and I've tried to tell you this" when they've only IMPLIED it knowing I can't do IMPLIED. Thank you so much for this video and making me realize I'm not alone in this!
I can't tell you how much I have cried because peoppe misinterpret my personality. I'm very very bubbly but people don't see it. They judge me so hard. When I quit my last job I gave my boss a piece of advice: don't judge a book by its cover. It hit her hard.
I lose friendships too because they can tell I'm weird although I don't consider myself weird. Just allistic people. It's been a tough life. I have communication trauma. You represent us high functioners so well. Please, try and be the spokesperson of an atypical association. You have my backing, I'm full of ideas.
something i've learned recently is that i cannot continue to script the way i used to because if i write it down and the conversation doesnt go the exact way i'm expecting it to go it'll make me panic, so i just don't write it out. i sit and practice phrases i can say and conversation points i could use and how i'm going to use my tone, but i don't put the exact words in order
this makes it very hard for me to do things like verbal presentations but it stops me from being so rigid
the work you have to put into everything as an autistic is insane
I handle my socializing in a very similar way! Also, the way the person/group I'm around phrases things or expresses themselves typically helps me find the words to express my thoughts (mirroring is a pretty good shot at not triggering them somehow lmao).
I have no idea when I got alright at presentations, but I focus on they information of the presentation. And I make my slides very understandable for someone who has no context. That way, instead of memorizing a script per slide, I spent my time thinking through the project so much to the point that just seeing the charts & bullet points on the screen makes my mind start thinking about the information I'd been working with. Here comes the hard part: I think of the crowd watching me as students who are here to understand what I understand. So I have to use simple language and try explain in a simple, chronological order. Practicing presenting helps me catch myself where my explanation is getting too convoluted for a potential student, so I rearrange my slides and information until those slides trigger the information in my brain to come out in a conveniently ordered, simple, and "knowledgeable" manner.
FUCK scripts bro, when I did scripts I couldn't even really "see" any of the slides I had prepared through my tremendous stress of sticking to a script and not messing up. The entire presentation I couldn't even remember the project.
I too plan out scenarios, but they never go as planned. Mostly, it happens after I've failed to give an accurate answer to a question, so I'll plan out how I'll answer that question the next time I'm asked, but sadly, it is never that same question again. It is a new question, and I fail again with a lame answer. I'm constantly kicking myself for being so retarded in short, surface conversations with new acquaintances. I have to tell myself just to go with the flow, even if it's lame, because neurotypicals don't really care what comes out of your mouth. They're just looking for a big smile, which validates their existence.
The difficulty making facial expressions and modulating my tone (or having the wrong facial expressions I don't realize I have) is my biggest barrier as a teacher. I've had a student giving a talk stop and ask "what's that expression for?" but I legitimately thought I had a supportive "go on" expression.
I'm a teacher who homeschools an 11-year-old girl on the autism spectrum and I'm trying so hard for us to have good communication and good experience with her education. It's wonderful to have access to a multitude of videos like this to help me get a better idea of how she might be feeling and experiencing our interaction, and how I can better serve her needs and help her to feel understood and supported. There have been some bumps in the road, but it's been quite the interesting journey!
My husband is autistic. You really are helping my husband, by teaching me how you see the worldly things so I can better wife for him, thank you❤
God bless you, we need more understanding people that care like you.
you're awesome
Bless ur heart elli, most women just bounce.
Just finished the videø and I will definitely be shøwing this tø my parents and therapist. Thank yøu før sharing with the internet!
Just crying thru this whole video. 😢 I cannot believe it. I've avoided this part in my healing journey. The trauma is so real.
Signed,
Almost 41, and still trying to piece it together
I actually really like your voice because it's not anxiety inducing like so many others!
like when someone goes over the top and suddenly screams or something everything just becomes a senseless blend as I am trying to process what just happened!
To be autistic IS to get misunderstood.
When I was quite young, I would talk out loud the ways I was thinking about the things that I was doing. I was hoping that *maybe* they would just think "oh she's someone who thinks out loud" as if it was not a big deal while at the same time *maybe, hopefully* they would hear what I was actually saying and understand what and/or why I was doing this or that.
It didn't really work, but when I think about it, as a five and six year old to be doing something to try and be understood by others and not be a bother. That really says something about the amount of trauma I was experiencing. Even tho I would have said I wasn't traumatized. I thought it was a misunderstanding and everyone had them. What I didn't notice was how it happened to me more often than average and my response to that.
When it didn't work, I never knew if they heard me and just didn't care, or if I was unnoticed. Which created its own problems in my head.
Personally, I think you come across as a bright, bubbly, positive and happy person. And you're very easy to listen to. I have no idea why the people you talk to aren't seeing it.
I feel this so much. I've wasted years of my life thinking back on previous encounters where I was misunderstood, or neglected, and thought that if I could have just said the right words it would be alright. The most important thing I learnt in therapy is that you cannot control what other people think and how they react. I saw the truth in that and just stopped caring about what others think. I am much happier overall, and don't have to waste my energy and happiness on pretending to fit in. Who cares if people don't like me? That's on them for not trying to see beyond appearances.
Yea! Its entirely out of your control, if they’re going to be like that to you, they’re going to be like that to you no matter what. Best to leave ppl who refuse to work with you.
People who don't tell you in a polite way that they have a problem with something you do or say just have very low problem-solving skills. There are a lot of people out there just living in the moment, rarely thinking about the consequences of their actions, and only seeing their own point of view.
You built up a deep understanding of communication and yourself, and you got very self-aware. There are people out there who are not autistic and who have learned similar things. They can communicate with you easily. People who respect you will invest in you, and they will try to solve a problem with you together. Stay strong and keep going. You will eventually find the right people.
Holy cow!! How have I lived all my life without knowing I'm autistic?!? My entire life I haven't understood people and in 15 minutes you outlined (quite succinctly I might add) about 90% of the problem. I've always been blunt whenever talking to people and prefer absolute honesty to 'linguistic subterfuge' and you've managed to clearly identify the difficulties -- particularly the double standard and my resultant communication trauma -- that have plagued me practically since birth. I don't know what to do with this information just yet (knowing the problem doesn't exactly provide a roadmap to fixing it, especially since most of the issue is other people) but I will definitely discuss this with my counselor. Thank you so much for this epiphany!
Last week I figured this out too, I was diagnosed only ADHD and it didn't answer enough questions for me. So 10 years I searched and searched on why I don't hear my own tone and how people get so confused. I can't even count how many times I have said outloud to people if people would just listen to my words my intent is clear. So last week I googled is tone and volume an ADHD thing, all the answers said ASD. So I went and took raads-r, aspie quiz, and probably about 6 others. They were overwhelming proof that I could finally stop searching for the answer, let go of the past, and move on with a solution. One of the most overwhelming, but best weeks of my life.
god this hits home. I’ve always been labeled as rude and disrespectful and clingy and dramatic and it’s so confusing because like how am I being rude if I’m not even aware I was doing something in the first place
When she said we communicate in a very blunt and truthful manner and we are also very fact driven. Yep that hit right in the feels. That silenced the imposter syndrome for quite a while at least.
I am 75 years of age, diagnosed as Autistic (Aspergers) at the age of 67 years old! Finally, I know who I am. However, now I see how mean Allistic people are. I've strived all of my life to be liked, to work hard, be empathetic, and loving. Only to be ignored, criticised, misunderstood etc etc. Several times I have strived to take my own life, hating myself for just being me. But, after the last time, following my diagnosis, and surviving yet again. I called a halt. I was hurting my daughter so much, and as I started to understand myself through the diagnosis, I took a vow that I would never do that again for the sake of my daughter. So, I'm telling you this Morgan, for the sake of your peace of mind, stop, stop right now trying to be liked by Allistic people. Just every now and again, you'll find a true friend, stick close with them, please. Don't try and change yourself, because it will never work, be happy with who you are. Be at peace, and learn self love, otherwise your life will be always be about trying to be a people pleaser. Just be you 😊❤
Giving someone a compliment and they hear something beyond rude and don't tell you for a week.
Also imagine being both and having a constant internal conflict. My diagnosis keeps changing every visit lol
It must be women who are being to her. I assure you any guy that is approached and talked to by a pretty women like this, is not being rude to her.
@@user-lq9mw1sb8dAre you implying that men aren't rude to women who they find attractive? Because there is quite a bit of evidence to the contrary.
@pickyyeeter I'm implying if she walks up to a man and talks to him. And that man happens to find her attractive. He very likely won't be rude to her.
@@user-lq9mw1sb8d You better reeavluate that implication because that is false.
Amazing video. I feel like double empathy is what makes autistic people prime targets for abusers. I tend to assume the best of people and I've lost count of how many abusers have used my goodwill and desperation to be understood to manipulate and gaslight me. _I'm_ not communicating properly, _I'm_ not explaining myself, _I'm_ not understanding them, _I'm_ the problem and _I_ need to do better. And then I get to enjoy hearing "why didn't you just leave!" from anyone I try to talk to about it 🙃
I definitely have communication trauma too, after a lifetime of having my words dismissed, belittled, picked apart, and demonized I mostly just smile and nod at people now. My spouse gets mad when I withhold my thoughts & feelings, and seems to refuse to understand that whenever I do share them it always turns into a big debate over their validity and correctness. I love sharing them, but I _learned_ to keep them to myself because like you said, it HURTS to be constantly picked apart. I'm not willing to feel hurt all the time anymore. I just want to say I like or dislike something, believe or disbelieve something, etc, and have it just be ACCEPTED as a difference of opinion instead of debated. I can agree to disagree, why can't they? It's beyond exhausting.
I'm in my 40s now and have reached a point of burnout where I just want to be alone forever(aside from my amazing kids who are also autistic). Most people just aren't worth the headache anymore. I just want to live in a little baba yaga hut in the woods making weird art out of moss and twigs and living symbiotically with the land and animals. That would be bliss.
"have used my goodwill and desperation to be understood to manipulate and gaslight me". Whew, that hits hard. What's weird to me though, or what I'm still trying to figure out, is that I've gotten this from my family most of all. Yet everyone in my immediate family has a lot of autistic traits, but we seem to each have our own unique mix. I'm not sure that anyone IS autistic (and I am definitely the only one who is ADHD). I am definitely not autistic, but I do think I have enough traits to be considered broad autistic phenotype; my sister and my mom both seem to have even more traits than I do, to the point that I do wonder if they'd be diagnosed--yet my sister is the most manipulative person I know, which took me a loooooong time to figure out (even though I watched her manipulate our parents when we were kids) in part because I do always assume the best about people, especially someone I love to pieces like my sister. Is it possible for someone to be autistic or sub-clinically autistic, but still deeply manipulative?
I’m 10,000% sure I’m autistic after reading this comment. I swear to God I was literally thinking about a “baba yaga hut in the woods & making fairy houses out of moss and sticks” retirement plan off and on for weeks.
I’m 21 and dealing with this in my relationship right now. I’m apparently “high maintenance” and stupid, and a dramatic manipulator… When I do my best to explain my feelings, except I never feel understood.
@@PommeLavande I'm 68 and I have found that a good therapist can help if they work with non-typical clients. Learning your boundaries can help protect you from those who call you names or gaslight you. I have many times curled up on the bed by myself and went back to replay and feel a past incident so I can learn to recognize the feelings in me that are a warning that I need to take a walk because the conversation is about to go south. Now I can see it about 5 steps ahead so no one gets offended and we can finish the conversation later. I always say, I need to take a walk but I will be back. Letting people know you are coming back helps many people who might feel abandoned if you just leave suddenly. Once you do that a few times and you come back to listen to them, they will get used to it.
@@PommeLavandeThat sounds like a couple of my co-called friends.
tw: unsolicited venting about miscommunication
I think one of my saddest memories is having put a lot o thought and time to write an exact description about what I felt when my (now ex) boyfriend would do a specific thing that really bothered me. I wholeheartedly believed that it was just the matter of him not realising how much anxiety he was causing me. That if I only found the right words, the exact solution to a problem he would get scared of how much I had to take and readjust his behaviour (it was about him leaving me on read a lot).
So I wrote my thing. I invited him over, sat him down and gave him the sheet of paper, excited for him to *finally* understand. To get a speck of relief from the spiralling ordeal...
He read the first line.
Looked at me like I was a cute and naive puppy. And said that he doesn't really understand or agree with the core concept I'd be explaining later in the note. "You don't need to get it the first time. Just read. There's an explanation at the end. It all builds up to something. You see, it follows this structure..."
He chuckled, put the note away and told me it was just too difficult. Didn't even bother to read it till the end... I understand it might have been difficult but he read *one* sentence. And we spent the rest of the day doing what he wanted cause I shut down believing it was my fault for not choosing the correct words again. I can't describe how angry and disappointed I felt with myself.
I didn't know I was autistic at that time. I still don't have an official diagnosis and it icks. But it took me a *long* time to realise that sometimes there are no right words when people don't care about how you feel.
“Sometimes there are no right words when people don’t care about how you feel.” 🖤
@@sproutbliss 💖 one of the strongest shocks of my life
I am 48 and suspect autism. I identify with so much of your experience. Even majored in sociology. I totally want to be your friend! Thank you for sharing your experience and with such authenticity.
i feel the same! i wish there was a place all of us neurodivergent people could meet, i dream of having friends that don’t assume my words have a different meaning, and i so would appreciate and love others to be blunt and honest with me! sending hugs ❤
You just described my head almost perfectly . I now sit at home and avoid people because I'm sick of the criticism and confusion.
I follow so many autistic creators since my late diagnosis a couple years ago, and this might be the most relatable video I've seen. I get so down on myself for not being able to outwardly be the happy outgoing person I really am. It's heartbreaking. People will come up to me and try to relate to me assuming I'm a fellow misanthrope and I'm just like, "Ew, no. I love people."
Even worse is when you use a specific word to make absolutely sure they understand you… and they don’t even know what the word means. I use words like ‘jargon’ or stuff like that often, and it is INFURIATING.
easy solution i find is just to define the words after the use in the nearest convenient place in the dialouge even better if doing so also helps facilitate the elaboration of another and more important part of what is being said
I don't harbor those kinds of one sided relationships. If you're not willing to pull your own weight in a relationship and if you don't trust me enough to afford me even a sliver of the benefit of the doubt I have for you, goodbye. I don't have friends and I'm okay with that. I'm not gonna put up with all of these weird assumptions and face the audacity of the other person to double down. Need me to know something? Be a fucking adult and tell me. I'm not playing your games.
It's frustrating that people act this way, but will come down on you with hellfire if you act in such a way even slightly. Why don't people come to understand that assumptions and blindly following social conventions will give them a highly distorted and inaccurate view of others? I'm asocial because I've grown tired of it. Your gut does lie to you, and you'd better get used to it.
Excellent video, well said!
I'm convinced a big part of the issue is that most people aren't aware that "I can't drop or pick up hints" is a real disability, and even if you tell them, they probably wouldn't believe you.
I really wish there was some kind of class (preferably online videos of lectures) teaching this stuff (it's encoding and decoding linguistic pragmatics, including implicatures, facial expressions, and tone of voice)... but there isn't, because "it's obvious, as everyone intuitively understands it"... except for those of us who don't!
Or, as you say, I wish that they'd at least meet us halfway!
Diagnosed at 49.5 and 60.83 now. As I now live in the USA, I cannot afford therapy. I find that every couple of years I withdraw from all attempts at having friends. In the past, I would simply move to another town and start over (and over and over and over). Can't do that now. So, maybe in a couple of more years, I will attempt again. Could totally relate to your video. Thank you for sharing.
I'm 35.49 and self-diagnosed.
Why did you move to the US and from where?
Thank you for sharing btw!
I feel this pretty hard. 40 now.
I can't make decimals work on a 365/366 numerical base😅
I haven't started over for 5 almost 6 years now. I'm much younger, but I understand this...
Everything you are saying makes complete sense. Just be yourself, you can’t make others change their way of thinking. I think it will happen in the future most people will be autistic and then that will be the norm.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. You are just an honest person. Many people are not honest and pretend they agree and have the perspective, but they often pretend in the way that gives them the least confrontation and most status.
The same* perspective.
Well yeah, no one likes confrontation. That's completely valid and you should also understand.
@@BobtheUA-camr sure aviodance of conflict is understandable
whats not understandable is saying that because this one this is understandable that therefore the experience and concerns of another thing which is also understandable is of no concern as relates to the other thing which is also understandable
and that goes both ways
this is so real. I’m not formally diagnosed, but I relate to this video so much. I work as a server at a restaurant, as you can imagine there’s lots of social skills/ nuanced behavior that everyone else engages in that I don’t understand. I’ve had several instances where my boss thought I was being condescending when I was just trying to be positive, coworkers thinking I’m rude or upset when I’m just minding my business, customers perceiving my kind nature as either a weakness or something to be suspicious of- and don’t even get me started on the amount of times I’ve become the butt of a joke that I didn’t even understand in real time. it’s truly exhausting trying to conform all the time only to realize it’s all futile.
So very relatable. Morgan, you have put into words what I have known and felt all of my life. So many 'interactions' that ended badly. They are always with me, reinforcing what a failure I am socially. Relationship accommodation is exhausting and frustrating when it is one way. If I have a disagreement with my spouse, I always end up apologizing for expressing my point of view. The reply is always the same: "You have a right to your feelings." It has never been: "I understand." 😢
The problem is that you ARE trying so hard to understand, and if they notice this and get any of the frustrated vibes coming off of you due to the communication issues, they interpret it as you not liking them, you being annoyed with them, and the harder you try the worse it gets. NT's don't actually understand each other all the time, or even most of the time, they are vibes based and they get it wrong frequently. However, they follow the social agreement to not "make it a thing" unless you dislike the person or want to confront them / argue. So they interpret autistic inability to not make it a thing, due to trying so hard to understand the "rules" that are more like loose suggestions, as not liking them. At least, I think this is part of the issue.
This is exactly the issue. It's 100% normal to be misunderstood. Why even focus on that most people just move on and make new moments. My definition of autistic people is they are trapped in their own Mind. If people don't react the way they think they should then they get upset. That's called normal personality differences. Everyone deals with this
this is the most relatable thing ever. the number of fights and conflicts i’ve found myself in without understanding why they are mad , UGHHH. and yes, this is how masking starts.
Omg thank u for talking about being over expressionate, no poker face. Dude that's me. My stupid face is always giving me away. It must b quite a different experience with opposite
Omg, girl! MOOD! I relate to every single word of this... SO hard! I've never actually heard the term "communication trauma" before, but this makes so much friggin' sense. This resonates with me on a deep, fundamental level. And I've been aware of it for a long, long, long time, but I've never had a word to put to it before. My own communication trauma leads me to habitually overexplain myself. I'm always trying to justify why I said, felt, or thought something just so that maybe people might understand where I was coming from and, thereby, my intentions. Especially if I'm wrong about something. I feel the need to explain how or why I arrived at my incorrect thought, partly so they can understand where I was coming from, but also partly to communicate that *I* understand that I was wrong and *demonstrate* that understanding. But then that somehow gets misinterpreted as the *exact* opposite of that! They'll somehow think that I'm doubling down on the mistake when I'm *literally admitting* that I was wrong. But, whether mistaken or otherwise, I often feel like I'm not explaining myself well enough to be understood, especially if I haven't had time to script and practice the explanation in my head ahead of time, and so I end up effectively re-explaining the same thing five times because I'm trying to find better ways to say it, but I'm failing at it because I'm really nervous and anxious, but then I feel like I'm obligated to get to a damn point, and I just end up talking in circles...
You could be explaining yourself perfectly and they still won't understand you. Because they don't want to. That would mean they have to care about what you want to say. The truth is you care WAY too much about what they think of you when they're not willing to put in any effort themselves. Relationships have to be reciprocal, where you both put in an equal amount of effort to last long term. I hope you can shift your mindset to where you focus on whether YOU like them or whether they make YOU happy, instead of worrying about whether they understand you or not. The wonderful thing is you can choose not to get them to understand. You don't have to put up with arguments that go around in circles. Let them misunderstand, you are wonderful as you are and don't have to prove yourself to anyone. They can misunderstand and keep it moving.
@@jessn.3851 Thank you. This means a lot to me and might be something I needed to hear. I think you're probably right.
Oh boy, love having the double whammy of communication trauma and rejection sensitivity!
Wow, thank you. It always amazed me how everyone always seemed to know when other people were upset, sick, or something, and would show them compassion, but I never got any of that compassion or understanding, and even when I tried to tell people how I felt oe that something was bothering me, they would act like I was making it up or exaggerating, and they would blow me off. I didn't even know that I was barely making facial expressions until one day something similar was being discussed on fb among my long time friend group from back in college days, and it occurred to me to pm one of those friends and ask if I was someone that it was hard to tell what I was thinking or feeling, and she told me that I had a pretty non-expressive face and she'd never been able to tell what I was thinking or feeling. It was pretty enlightening. That was several years before I started to suspect I might be autistic, and then was diagnosed shortly after.
Yeah, this could totally be my own rant, almost exactly. In many ways, I have adapted, but not by getting better at non-verbal communication, rather by focusing on verbal communication. I've spent much effort developing my writing skills, and growing up on the internet pre-video has afforded countless opportunities for communication that was exclusively with words. That's been good for morale, and I've made some friends and developed skills, but I'm still rubbish at face-to-face communication with a person that isn't listening to my words first and foremost. The worst part has been utterly failing at flirting and therefor having a difficult time meeting prospective romantic partners.
I think flirting is the only social thing I get. If they seem to purposely stay in conversation with you longer, or seek out interactions with you, you can start slow by telling them qualities about their personality you enjoy, or even that they brighten your day or make you feel inspired. If they say thanks & leave the convo quickly, don't go further. If they thank you and return compliments with huge enthusiasm and remain in conversation with you, it's looking good. After several (maybe 6? To not be too creepy. If you'll never see them again then it has to be now) times of doing this, it is time to suggest hanging out at a secondary location (a place you, they, or both of you like or have some sort of attachment to. OR a brand new adventure). From there, the sharing about how they make you feel can become more deep/risky, paired with conversation that has nothing to do with that of course. With more of these hangouts, if you're feeling brave and they still seeks you out, you can ask em on a "DATE". They may have already assumed y'all were going on dates, but if not, their response to the word date can finally give you confirmation if they're into you too or if they just really like you as a friend. It's a whole lot of stress but it's still fun.
But I'm glad I haven't been in the dating scene in a decade 😂
You have put into words what I have been searching for. For decades, I have lived a nightmare.
Today, you made a massive difference in my life and my healing journey 🙏🏻🙏🏻
My trauma starts with the phrase "tone of voice." It's probably my most hated phrase ever. Just typing it makes me feel angry.
"You have the wrong tone of voice, fix your tone of voice, watch your tone of voice when you're talking to me, I don't like your tone of voice"
"""Tone of voice""" is not a thing with me. It doesnt exist. As soon as somebody says that phrase to me they're out. LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING, NOT HOW I AM SAYING IT, PLEASE! 😔😔😔 Anybody who actually wants to know me or actually does know me or like me will understand that. Everybody else can just leave me alone.
Based on the comments, it's amazing how correct you were that this is a completely universal experience among us. Yet when we talk to each other, there's zero problems. I don't have enough autistic people in my life and I end up feeling like a mind trapped in a body that can't move because I genuinely have no clue how to ask for or describe what I need. I don't even know how to try any more, I'm so tired. Any variation of "what you're doing is hurting me and I'm burning out" is punished as rude or worse.
I want perfect understanding when I communicate and so many people just kind of want me to "get it". The problem is I spent so much of my early life not getting it, and suffering as a consequence, that I now drastically overcompensate.
OMG THIS DAY IS AMAZING!!! I SPENT THE DAY WITH MY BUNNIES AND THEN IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES, I FOUND OUT THAT SKZ WILL BE HEADLINING SOON AT HYDE PARK, BAEMON RELEASED THEIR NEW SONG, AND A NEW VIDEO FROM YOU DROPPED! AAAAHHHHH!!
Sometimes when I'm around another autistic person, I'm so used to NT communication that I interpret them as disliking me, or passive aggressive. Recently I met an autistic girl who was a friend of a friend, until she admitted her autism I thought she hated me right off the bat, but as i was around her I noticed she did the exact same things I did. It made me realise why people thought those things about me. I didn't really know how to talk to her despite being autistic myself, and I find often that communicating with other autistic women is really hard especially when we're in a group of people and trying to mask, or just trying not to say or do anything offensive. I sometimes try to communicate with them in an autistic way, but I don't get far with it because there's almost always a wall up. For me having adhd tends to allow that initial wall to fall quicker, and I find it easier to communicate with adhd people rather than other autistic people, especially women. I feel like the communication trauma is so deep that it can seperate us, it can make us hard and cold in an attempt to protect us, but that also means it's hard to communicate with eachother too. Many times I've come across women who I thought must hate me, only to realise that they may have been autistic, sometimes its hard for me to remember that communication exists outside of the NT world. Im hypervigilant to these signs of people disliking me, so i sometimes take other autistic peoples demeanor as one of these signs. People in my life have said that I'm intimidating, but I don't intend to be. Sometimes it's actually impossible to make a facial expression, or be entirely aware of how I appear to others. I also can be aware of how I should act and what I should do, but my body won't comply. The saddest thing is that I have to be drunk to communicate with most people, because it can give me the courage and because drunk people don't notice the mistakes you make, nor do they think it's anything else than you also being drunk.
I am so happy for you. I suspected to be authistic at the age of 30 and got my diagnosis at the age of 36. Your struggle is of course not over, but at least... your analysis is on point and at this early age.
If you like to reduce your hypervigiliance, I have one point of expirience, that you need to know in case you will expirience this.
There are some people, who will label you as a narcissist - and not because of your communication-style. When this happens, a common expirience about this is, that a narcissist is annoyed, that I am actually authentic in the moment of unmasking and he labels me as a narc. An explanation is, that he evys my ability at that moment to be who I truly am, so he attacks me. Instead of correcting yourself at that moment, ask yourself first if this happened right, when you were unmasking/ being authentic. If yes, analyse wheter the person in question has some narcissist traits.
Now don't diagnose him or communicate it. Don't struggle. Instead chose carefully who you allow into your life.
I also understand the need of belonging and it hurt to lose somebody, whether they are terrible for me or not. But there are also good people in this world, and for their sake, you need to protect your mental health. Miscommunication and ignorance happens. But you need to learn to read their intentions.