INTJ Female In Love: Romantically Clueless?
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- Опубліковано 7 січ 2021
- Hi everyone! So sorry for the background noise. Badger started getting restless at the end, but I hope it doesn't take away from the video. I hope you all enjoy my take on INTJ's in love. Let me know if you have any requests on what I should discuss next!
INTJ, INTJ Female, Love, In Love, Myer Briggs, 16 Personalities, Storytime, New Creator, New Channel
I'm in a relationship with an INTJ woman and your comments about them are spot on. My observations: 1) They are highly intelligent and appreciate someone who is the same. 2) They don't gossip or bad-mouth people. That's a waste of time and they hate wasting time. 3) They love to learn. Teach them something new and they will be your best student. 4) They NEED their alone time. An hour or two reading a book in a cafe or taking a walk in the woods is their way of recharging. 5) They are easily overstimulated. Loud noises and hectic activity drain them of energy. If planning a date, don't take an INTJ woman to a carnival. 6) They are passionate about the things that interest them. NEVER try to control or squelch their passion. 7) They collect data and gather evidence before they voice an opinion. 8) They aren't girly-girls. They like to look attractive, but they do it for themselves, and really don't care about compliments from others. 9) They aren't cold-hearted. They feel deeply, but are very, very selective about whom they share those feelings. 10) They won't remain in a bad relationship. They are fully capable of taking care of themselves and they WILL walk away if they are mistreated. 11) Most important: They don't fall in love easily. They know their love is a precious thing, so they are judicious in determining who receives it. It takes time to build, but when they decide to love someone they give it with all their heart and soul.
Everything you stated is certainly true for me. Thank you for sharing.
Exactly on the mark!
I'm going to screenshot this and hand it to potential suitors
Wow! I'm INTJ girl and all the points are so related to me. Wish my ex had known all of these. I just need some me-time..😅
Well said
Young INTJs listen closely, this is a wise young lady. Making sure your SO is on the same page, with the same goals. and never faltering to the most important ideals. One thing to watch out for is the incredibly intelligent (who we all love) that are procrastinators, nothing will get you angrier than wasted potential and time wasted.
Thank you so much! I'm just trying to be honest. Also, I agree. Nothing excites my temper more than wasted protentional and time.
Also intelligent narcissists can lure INTJs in. That someone very intellegent and motivated would be manipulating us for emotional reasons is such a foreign motivation to INTJs. We can miss the detailed clues to their true personality while seeing their bigger picture of success.
There is no way I can give enough Yeses to this comment. That sums up pretty much all of my exes. The only thing I disagree with is them being intelligent. Every single manipulator that I have been around has not been intelligent. They think they are and they appear to be and they appear to be able to control others and that is not enough to be intelligent in my mind. Most of those people are just good at one thing manipulation and not much else. From my experience they don't achieve much in life and are some of the most MISERABLE people on the planet. To be fair most people do not know how to deal with manipulation. Most people handle it badly because they lack the understanding/motivations of the manipulators and they are afraid of handling confrontation. It is based on how people have been socialized to being sheep. Not to sound harsh but that is just the truth. Example if you stand up for yourself or others society teaches us to back down and not make waves. This mentality alone causes so much problems in our society and gives the manipulators so much ammo.
as an intj male, i ABSOLUTELY CAN IDENTIFY with what you speak of 100%.
FAR TOO MANY people seem content with someone who they DO NOT REALLY mesh with. they just fall into a complacent relationship so they 'wont be alone'.
BUT, really... IF IT DOESNT ENHANCE your life, then WHAT IS THE POINT???????
id MUCH RATHER be HAPPY on my own than be stuck with someone who is a bad match - trying to feign happiness.
Exactly. There will always be differences, but shouldn't both people care enough about the other person to compromise and respect them as individuals? I don't think that's too much to ever ask for.
"BUT, really... IF IT DOESNT ENHANCE your life, then WHAT IS THE POINT???????"
I love this (I'm typed as INFJ)! For me it's similar, but I'm missing the goal. Where are we going to? If someone can't live alone, he/she should first learn to live alone, in my opinion.
Yes! As an INTJ woman, I do want to be wanted, not needed. And if I love you, it’s because I want you, not because I need you. I had a situation where I liked someone and when it didn’t go the way I hoped, a friend tried to comfort me by saying, basically, "There will be someone who will validate you and make you feel good about yourself!" as if I needed him to validate me. In reality, I wanted to be there for _him._ It didn’t matter if he didn’t "validate" me, I simply _loved_ him then and love him now. I love who I love, even if I don’t get anything out of it. And it hurt to have that loyal-love mistaken for consumerism by my friend.
Anyway, all that to say, if an INTJ likes you, it's often not because she needs to get something from you, it's just because she likes you. She probably doesn't need you - she wants you. And I think that’s a much safer place to be than a need-based love.
"She doesn't need u , she wants u" yes it's really something i agree with and i think "needing"someone means u are obsessing over them and once they leave u you will be fully broken and depressed which will decrease ur productivity affect ur work and for that one person a bunch of people and things will be harmed..... So it's better to want someone than to need them (an INFP though)
As an INTJ male, I'm probably cold that way. Maybe too independent to understand, or be interested in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I usually leave it to the girl to figure out what affection is. I could be on a date, and not realize it. I thought I was out to dinner with my female friend because we were hungry, and could use a few drinks. Clueless! This is my blind spot.
I’m married to an INTJ woman and I just want to express appreciation for this type. I always found my wife’s reserve intriguing and mysterious, and even now she’s still mysterious to me, which I love. She’s much more interesting than other women I dated, who I felt I could “figure out” pretty quickly and who rarely surprised or challenged me. Shes full of interesting thoughts and insights. Sometimes she needs lots of alone time, but that works well for me bc I also need a lot. We separate and do our own thing for a while, but then we come back together energized and with more interesting stuff to talk about. She’s not what you’d call nurturing. Compliments are rare. But I know she likes me. For one, since I know she’s independent and does not need me, I know that when she does choose to spend time with me it’s because she wants to and not because she’s just going through the motions. Also I’m not someone that needs a lot of positive affirmation from others, so this has not been a challenge for us even though I can see that this would be a dealbreaker for other dudes (other people, really) and full disclosure I did have to spend time reflecting on how much this mattered to me.
Like any couple, we’ve had challenges. We broke up for a little over a year when we were dating because things just felt “stuck.” But when we ended up meeting up again, I saw that while we were apart she had totally gone on with her life, focused on herself, become wiser and stronger, and I was so impressed (not that she did it for me at all). Anyway, one thing I always admired about her was her constant independent drive for improvement and it’s been awesome for our relationship. I know she’s always going to work to make our relationship work, and that what she tries to do she usually accomplishes, so I take heart from that.
Anyway, I’m not trying to make this about me but this is just my experience with an INTJ woman, and I guess the takeaway here is that they’re not for everyone, but they’re AWESOME for the right partner. So keep your chin up, remember how great you are.
What is your mbti type?
Love this! To all INTJ gurls that are single rn, or don't have friends:
You are not a bad person, you are not undateable, and it's okay not to have friends or SO. I repeat: THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU ARE A BAD PERSON.
Not at all! I may have three friends...but, hey! I don't want a huge social circle anyway. To be honest, I hang out with my elder sister the most out of everyone because she doesn't talk to me and leaves me be lol Thanks for the comment.
@@nikiyikes5674 😌 there's something so special when you are able to be silent together with someone, without akwardness... I'm glad for you.
Sure it's okay for a while, but you should really get some friends and a romantic partner eventually, kinda the point of our species.
As an INTJ female, seeing all the INTJ in comments section giving solid advice ....is so comforting for me..
I love you all INTJs
I am an INTJ woman and have found a strikingly good match with an ENFP man. We've been together for four years now and he is the first person I've ever fallen in love with. It took about 3 years for me to fall completely in love with him, but he is the most genuine, honest, gentle, sweet, funny, and patient man I've ever met. He challenges me and teaches me new things every day. My favourite thing about him is his ability to self-reflect and improve. I find it heart-meltingly attractive. He puts as much effort into our relationship as I do, and he never gets offended when I give him practical gifts like an electric toothbrush or twenty pairs of identical socks. He respects my need for space and independence, and loves that I never wear makeup. He appreciates my bluntness and honesty, and has learned how to coax me out of my emotional shell. If any INTJ women are reading this comment, please know that he/she does exist. There is a person out there who will see you for who you are and love you. They will treat you kindly, patiently wait for you to fall in love, and you both will help each other grow. He tells me regularly how unique and special I am, and I love him deeply.
Thanks for this validation. I'm regularly told by co-workers and even a friend who I would have thought knew me better that my standards and preconditions for men are too high; that I need to compromise. My reply is if we never meet or he doesn't exist that I'll stay single - and I mean it. Is an extrovert who loves people, adventure, culture, meaningful conversation; whose good at managing money, and open to children (i.e.: an ENFP) asking too much? Something is wrong with our culture when it expects singles to compromise convictions for status.
- 30-something female INTJ
@@otaku4Gaijin There is someone for everyone. Your person may not have all of the same hobbies and interests as you when you first meet, but the right person will take an interest in the things that interest you. I'm an anime nerd who loves animation, and my partner watches things with me now and excitedly asks me about them. I believe the secret is not to find someone who already meets all of your expectations from the start, but rather someone who is curious and loving enough to seek to know more about what excites you, and vice versa. Never settle! Being alone is far better than being with someone who doesn't make you happy. I was over 30 when I met my partner, and had officially given up on finding someone when we met.
@@otaku4Gaijini am an enfp man- 35 yrs old. People see me as someone to abuse for having some of these characteristics. Had to learn the hard way with which people to put up boundaries
@dujestancic7758 So much key to peace is reading malicious intent in people as soon as possible in order to permanently block them from your life. As a wise friend has said, "Be around people who celebrate you, not tolerate you."
This is solid, solid advice. You articulated what I as a female INTJ intuitively know, but have a hard time explaining to potential partners. I always had trouble with the label of being romantically clueless because I actually think about romance a lot, but I see it in how my dad loves my mom by acts of service. How he constantly spends his time doing things for others, day in and day out. I will not settle for less because I know I could never properly love anyone who isn't willing to sacrifice time for me or who is more fascinated by the "mysterious" aspect of being INTJ than actually willing to understand. It's like they see the created persona we have to function in society and think that's who we are. I'm excited for your channel and just subscribed! I can already tell you'll be making some awesome videos!
What I saw growing up between my parents and where I grew up... It gave me the false narrative that I needed to be a certain "way" to just get through the day unscathed. It took me till my mid 20's (26 after a traumatic relationship, to be exact) to come to that same conclusion you have, but I find that even when trying to explain it's disregarded, ignored, and all I'm seen as is something "pretty". With that said, I don't waste my time of those individuals. Thanks you for subscribing! I have a lot more planned.
@@nikiyikes5674 That's too bad about the lessons your parents taught you about relationships. There is certainly a wrong way to go about it and my parents are pretty big on sacrificing certain things and letting things go in order to maintain the peace. You are really pretty, but I definitely understand the frustration of how people take that one fact and run with it, not properly seeing if you're even compatible as a couple. I'm excited, best of luck with future videos! :D
When normal is rare, and crazy is normal.
Everything you said makes sense, and probably somewhat of an indirect commentary on the state of society especially in the "romantic" arena.
Please keep sharing because it is important for truths and logic to be spoken!
Thank you so much! I'm very passionate about UA-cam even with college and a full time job. I'm busy, but I have much more I'd like to do and say.
I am an INTJ male but this resonated with me. Also I think INTJs like cats too! Really cute kittie pestering you in the background of this insightful vid.
Cat's gravitate to INTJ's because we get each other.
Watching this video as an 18 year old INTJ male, I have felt really understood, I have had these uncertainties for a long time, now I understand that I am not romantically damaged or clueless, just more selective about that one person who I may or may not find in my life. Thank you very much.
You're welcome! I'm 28 and only in recent years have learned that I'm not broken, that how I view love isn't wrong, and that I shouldn't play "roles" to please my partners because they don't accept me for me. So you're already way ahead :)
My version of the question you ask yourself has been "Would I stay with him if everything he has and is associated with disappeared?" -- also the "tolerated love" was very spot on, I see it as "let's agree to play this show and call it love". And then break up as soon as things get a bit tough. I wouldn't start anything that I don't find worth fighting for. It's frustrating when people ask me: "Oh you're cute and a doctor, why are you single?" smh Thanks a lot for sharing.
"You're cute and a doctor"...I'm not a doctor, but I get my own version of that question. As if being attractive and successful is the only thing that matters. Thanks for the comment! I'm glad my point of view rang true for you.
This is very good. One of the best videos I've seen about INTJs period, let alone about relationships. I was single for a long time. Didn't even try to date anyone in high school. I had one date and that was to my Senior prom because I knew I was 'supposed' to have one. The only girl I felt even the least bit comfortable with asking was a childhood friend who was 'nerdy' and a lot like me in many ways. Now that I know about personality type, I think she was very likely an INTJ too. We were awkward and nervous about the whole thing, but we did manage to have a good time at the prom once we got over being self-conscious about what all the mean kids in school, who had picked on us both for years, thought of us being at the dance together. We never dated after that, but we still keep in touch via Facebook sometimes.
I didn't try to date again until I'd been out of college for several years and had landed what I thought at the time was the job I would make a career out of. Once I'd achieved one of my biggest long-term goals, I finally allowed myself to think about any other long-term goal like having a family someday. Like you say, I think in the long term rather than being in the moment most of the time.
I couldn't bring myself to just walk up to someone and ask them on a date. I guess I was too afraid of being rejected, so I tried online dating. Chatting with girls on the dating websites like we were pen pals was fun and I was satisfied with that for several years. I finally had a few ask if I wanted to meet them in person. That was actually scary at first. I think I was more nervous on those in-person dates that I've ever been, even at job interviews. Probably because I was putting way too much pressure on myself to try to act like the person they were hoping I was. It was too stressful and I just couldn't cope with it, so after a few dates, I gave up on online dating.
It wasn't for another couple of years that I even met someone and even that was more by happenstance than any attempt on my part. I had coworkers who thought I was lonely and needed to 'get out more'. They also knew a girl through one of their spouses who worked with her who also needed to get out more, so they set us up on a blind phone date. They gave me her name and phone number. It took me a week to find the courage to actually call her. I'm now glad that I did because when I finally called her, we talked for a couple of hours straight and didn't even realize that we'd been on the phone that long until her alarm went off and she remembered that she had to pick her nieces and nephews up from baseball practice. :). We just 'hit it off' you might say. Had so much in common that it was actually easy to talk with her. We talked on the phone gradually more and more often for a couple of months before it occurred to me that she might actually want to go on an in-person date with me some time.
So, we met at a Mexican cafe in her town (she lived in the next town down the road from mine). I got there early because I was raised to always be early for everything. It suddenly dawned on me that I had no idea what she looked like. I waited in the little waiting area for a while until finally the greeter decided to seat me. I told him that when a girl by this certain name came in that she was my date. When she arrived, I knew it because I heard a familiar voice talking to him even though I couldn't see her. When she came to the table, to my surprise, I wasn't nervous because it felt like we'd already started to get to know each other on the phone and were friends already. We talked all evening until the staff started putting chairs on the tables to clean up. :) Totally lost track of time.
We dated for two years before I realized that she was the one for me. What made it clear to me is like what you say about the person making time for you and genuinely caring about you in non-superficial ways. I came down with something called farmer's lung which is like a severe lung infection. It made it difficult to breathe. Sometimes, I felt like I was going to choke to death on my own saliva and such. Finally, my doctor found a medicine that cleared the infection up, but in the meantime, I was in a really bad way. That didn't deter her from being with me. She did her best to help me deal with it and spent all of her free time helping me. I told her that I'd totally understand if she didn't want to be around me anymore because of how unpleasant things were, but she said that wasn't going to happen because she already loved me no matter what.
A year after I had recovered from that lung infection, she still wanted to be with me, even though many other ups and downs had happened in the three years or so that we'd known each other. I told my mom all of this and she was like "Well, aren't you going to propose to her? You can't let go of true love like that".
We've been married for 14 years now and it's hard to imagine that it's already been that long. The funny thing is that what you say about what INTJs want from a relationship and what we truly think romance is, is so very true and has been true of my relationship with her. Our relationship has never been about flowers and candy and all the stereotypical stuff that you see in the movies. Yes, I occasionally decide to do romantic things with her for fun, but our relationship started out as a strong friendship, so such things haven't ever been necessary. When I give her flowers, they are still alive and growing in a pot. :) She says that she loves it when I do that because it's symbolic of our relationship. It's alive with strong roots and doesn't wither like cut flowers do.
Things haven't always been perfect of course. Some would say that they didn't even start out perfect, but we're perfect for each other and that's what matters.
I'd say that she's maybe an INFJ because we are so much alike except that she's a little bit more outgoing and more interested in the lives and feelings of other than I am.
Hahaha I also know one guy who needed a supernatural event, or at least an accident, for him to get involved with a woman in one way or another.
@@kataiwannhn Yes, guys like me are ones that romance happens to, we aren't built to seek it out. :)
Exactly how I feel. / INTJ
Thank you!
Same, but I am ENFP.
Find your self a cognitively mature ENFP male and you will do just fine ! (Yes - I know men cognitively mature more slowly than women so you may have to let your intuition guide you to the future version of him) I also think it helps if he prioritizes reading and personal growth, spiritual growth etc. over partying and being the social lite.(this may come more an more later in life) Just some friendly advice from an INTJ male that has been married to an ENFP female and that has experienced all the stages of ENFP / INTJ relationships from teenage years into our 40s. Peace to you Niki !
As an INTJ, I put this on 1.75x playback speed because I things to do lol but even though I powered through this, everything you said was so valuable. I will be sending this video to my wife. It was a struggle to get to the great place we’re in, primarily because her personality is the opposite of mine. She’s romantic and flowery and likes to wax poetic and I’m just…nothing like that. I’ve never been able to explain why I am the way I am but this video perfectly explains who I am as a person. Great job!
Only listening at 1.5, but yes. Exactly.
Finally, a community of people who confirms that the life I've been striving for is not a waste of time!
INTJ male here. 110% accurate lol awesome job!
Thanks!
This is so spot on! - INTJ female from Malaysia
As an INTJ woman myself, I can relate to most of what u said in a very personal level.
Yes it's so true!
U put most of the things in words without twisting or filtering it . Well done ✅
I almost broke my INFP husband’s heart when I told him I don’t need him.
I thought I was being quite romantic based on an already 20 year marriage where I’ve consistently chosen him and invested in our future in every way I can think of.
I NEED food and water (that’s not romantic at all) I WANT you.
I am a male INTJ, and I related to this so much, it was like therapy! Thanks a lot for creating and uploading this. I am 29 and single and I have dismissed tens and tens of potential relationships because of the reasons you stated. If an INTJ can figure out to be happy and at peace alone, this can save them a tonne of heartache and hassle until the right one comes along.
Amen
As an infj those things are superficial to me too. I only care about how I FEEL with someone. There needs to be an unspoken connection.
Oh, and this is coming from a feeler type? Thank you, that justifies how I feel on this subject :)
I am INFJ too, and that's true, we need Ni same like INTJs to give us that connection
Interesting, I'm starting to see why people say Enfp's and Intj's are so compatible, similar view on things but for different reasons, nice video
Thank you! I plan on doing a video about that at some point.
What about ENTP's and INTJ's?.
As an INFP this is actually amazing advise for my idealistic hopeless romantic self 🙃✌️
This comment is hilarious! I feel that balance is needed in any situation. Nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic as long as you also know what love requires realistically :)
I'm an INTJ and my best friend is an INFP! Our approach to love is so drastically different. She's such a compliment to me and vice versa.
@@wildhorse2084 How are your approaches to love different?
@@blankblank8292 in a nutshell 'strategic' vs 'blind, hopeless and deeply intense'
INTJ female here - I hear what you are saying. Finding the ‘right’ partner is not guaranteed, but I guess as long as you have ‘lived’ and ‘loved’, and put yourself out there enough… then you can die knowing that you haven’t wasted your time on earth. Of the love affairs I’ve had in my life, I regret nothing. I think we do get better at figuring people out, and how to protect our time/energy. I may be projecting, but I honestly think INTj females are natural alphas or leaders of their own ‘tribe’… perhaps that’s why we are built to be rational even when it comes to love.
Love the videos, Nikki. Keep speaking ya mind.
Great video, it was very insightful!
This was incredible, being able to put into words the complexity of our romantic processes. Thanks
It's always nice to come back to your videos to not only gain insight, but to hear your experiences. Keep up the good work, Niki 💪
You are so pretty and intelligent! Just subscribed :)
Also, when you described approaching relationships as a problem at work that needs to be solved - I couldn't agree more.
Thank you for this video!
I feel less alone!
Good! I'm happy I can provide you at least some comfort. Thanks for the comment :)
Thank you so much for making this video. So much of what you said resonated with my experience as an INTJ woman, and your words at the end (that we are not romantically clueless, just realistic) almost bought tears to my eyes lol!! My 9 year relationship is coming to an end and this video has just reaffirmed for me that it’s the right decision. Like you say, I’m tired of being the only one putting in the work. Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you for putting it into words, can completely relate.
You're so welcome!
This is so spot on.. thank you.
"Rationalizing our emotions" is the most accurate description I relate to. Thank you for the video!
Oy, and by the way, this video was helpful in all the other ways, too. Thank you so much. I never felt more understood.
I am an INTJ female and I approve this message.
I LOVED this! It feels great to listen to you! It was like listening to myself. Thank you.
You're welcome!
It's illuminating to hear your points on romance. It resonates deeply, and I don't know why people would want anything else for a relationship. It's almost like people get into relationship for ironic or sarcastic reasons; it's outlandish to see.
You explained it so perfectly!! Just subscribed :)
Thanks for subbing!
Those last few words of affirmation really helped. Even people that know what they want and who they are can use some support every once in a while so thankyou for your wisdom and fantastic insight. Sharing experience & knowledge should be the norm nowadays.
Wow! I love the way you articulate yourself. Great explanation 👍
Thank you!
This is an amazing video. I think I've said this about all your videos but everything you said is spot on. You're very good at explaining things and there's so much depth to the way you explain it.
I'm so glad! It's funny, because when I try to explain myself to family, friends, and past partners...well, I often just confuse them or get ignored. I have learned however, that I'm not 100% the issue, especially when it comes to romance. It has to be 50/50, both people actually listening and accepting the other for who they are. Thanks for all your support, Amanda :)
Without a friendship I could not fall in love with someone.
And I can relate to everything you said, but I would add something: I always wanted the romantic silly stuff like chocolate, flowers, serenades and that... only that I want that once I'm in a comitted relationship, i don't want a prospect to do it cause I find it overwhemling as I haven't developed the feelings to reciprocate, so It makes me feel stressed or/and that the other person only uses it like a stratagem to get me. I want someone to do that because he knows I like it, so maybe he did put it on his calendar to do that on certain days (just as I do)... for some people that wont be romantic but for me it's sooo romantic as it means that the person I'm with has me as a priority and thoroughly make an effort to keep me by his side.
And about the friends... even when I was in a commited relationship with the person I though would be the one, I always made the time to spend with my friends, cause for me, someone important deserves my attention and energy no matter what. The sad thing is that as most of my friends are having their partners they no longer make the time to spend with me, the other friends and to make nice plans... for me it's like treason cause I think that they spent all these years with me in the meanwhile they knew their partner. So now that I'm on my 30s and living abroad this subject is getting tricky, not because I'm alone most of my time, but because I'd like to have the kind of life I will feel happy about during the rest of my days, and now I have to make friends again and I need them to have the same values cause I don't want to depend on having a partner to have an interesting emotional feedback and I also know that I may not know another person compatible enough to be my significant other. But well, I'm putting my endeavor in meeting new people by doing things to improve my skills.
And about rationalizing... I find myself often being told to be more emotional towards falling in love, that I'm so afraid to live that that's why I have an impossible list, that I have to feel more and think less... but for me, it's contranatura. I feel like I need someone who just makes sense to me so THEN I can develope the feelings.
And all the thing you say by the minute 10:37 about people taking advantage of our determination... I lived that once, with my ex, as I thought he was like me I didn't notice how unbalanced the relationship was... and when I found it out, it was so devastating for me that now I'm ruthless when someone doesn't fit with my must to have list or when I see something suspicious.
Your last words were very kind. Thanks!
I think you've done an exceptional job in describing your internal perspective and how you approach life and relationships. As an infj male I find it is a complimentary perspective to my own. Recognizing that romantic role playing is just that and recognizing that relationships long-term are built upon core values is essential. I would guess then that intjs and INFJs are similar as to the type of collaborative relationships they seek letting go of any interest of superficial or temporary ones.
Thank you
You've nailed it girl! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
That's exactly how I operate in dating, as well!
Very nice content! Keep it up! 😊
Thank you so much!!
Love this video. I can relate to this so much. I do think the dating game makes it really hard to get guys on the same page. You tell a guy you just want to be friends first. They automatically think you are rejecting them. At the same time, it weeds out the ones that were superficially attracted to you. I think the hardest part of dating was all the outer influences telling me I was dating wrong. So I guess I can say I was a bit clueless on the traditional way people should date but never clueless on what I wanted out of a relationship.
16+ years with my best friend/SO and going strong =) - INTJ F 5w6
I just hate the idea that there is a "wrong" way of dating. Especially when I see those around me do the "correct" way only for it to fail repeatedly. Seems like a broken system to me, and I realize that is a very INTJ thing to say. The amount of heartbreak and dangerous situations, and the amount of DRAMA, I have witnessed...I'd rather scare someone off that first night by being myself than have them stay because I batted my lashes just right and nodded when I was supposed to nod.
Congrats on the long lasting relationship and thank you for the comment!
That's crazy, I was just telling my friend I would need to be friends with a guy before considering a relationship and she didn't get it till I broke down why (with examples of course)
@@nikiyikes5674 couldn't agree more!
This video made me cry 😭 So true!
I'm a single male INTJ and I can relate. It has taken me a very long time to understand and accept that my perspective is 'realistic' in romance. I've always doubted myself too much and too many times thought I was just "clueless in romance"... Thank you.
Oh, I loved this. Good job. Exceptional even.
Thank you for putting this all into words and communicating it directly with enough explanation to soften it to what it feels like for us.
I have tried very hard to learn to relay my thoughts in way that can be understood (by others who think differently which is everyone I grew up with). It's not easy if I'm being honest lol
@@nikiyikes5674 I totally get it.
Omg Wow! Love the part about "Supporting the relationship and letting it drop it plummets"! In all my research I have NEVER heard that or had it put so eloquently. Your channel is top notch. Things that have never been said before!! Just..wow.
Thank you for the comment! I'm glad you're enjoying my channel.
3:33
Definitely related to this as a male INTP. I can't help but consider whether someone has the traits which will allow for a strong enough foundation to be built between us that can truly last. I see it as trying to get at the "essence" of someone in a similar way to how I try to question and get at the foundations of theories or information. It's a fundamental carefulness that involves looking past appearances and asking "What's here that will most likely remain here regardless of the variables I'm fully aware could change this situation?" And if there's too much justified doubt created by that questioning, I can't bring myself to commit to a relationship in the same way I couldn't bring myself to fully adopt a theory or belief with that much uncertainty. I've tried to look past that questioning before and just go on with things and "take a chance" with the hope that I'd get used to it or be proven wrong. And that didn't feel right, so I couldn't settle myself into it or get used to those traits which my intuition tried to warn me about.
10:58
This, too, is so so important (and part of why I find myself considering talking more with INTJs specifically.) I have for sure disliked holding back on intellectual discussions or debates because my partner mostly just tolerated them or only fully engaged in them when the topic was related to a deeply personal belief. So the times it would happen were times where it was something stress-inducing or tiring for my partner to engage with rather than something just stimulating and energizing. But that experience helped in that it enabled me to realize how important intellectual discussions are when it comes to bonding. It feels alienating to have something so normal for you be a tiring way of engaging for someone you're meant to be close with.
I am an ENTJ, i really love your way of talking and logic.
You r just like us fellow NTJ 😀
INTJ female here. I can affirm her message. If you're dealing with an INTJ female, please take her seriously.
We're always looking for the deeper meaning or congruity in our relationships "Do our goals match up? Will this work for both of us? etc."
I agree that we might be able to handle loneliness better too, due to how introverted and introspective we can be. Being alone can be nice. The feeling of loneliness still sucks for everyone, but like you said, our friends can fill that gap, we don't need some "fill-in" lover to make us "feel good" for a time. Suitable lovers don't just conveniently "show up" anytime we happen to be lonely; we won't be grasping at straws.
I have so much to say but it would take me a lifetime to right it all down. I definitely relate to all your videos so far!
Thank you Tanya! Also, I'm sorry Tanya! (lol)
Thank for commenting :)
the way she tenses up when she goes off about doing all the work lmao
You know, I'm actually quite expressive. The issue is it's subtle so often missed lol I wonder if I flipped a table if people would feel my frustration then when I try to have these discussions in person. Thanks for the comment!
Hi! Thank you for your video - it lifted my mood) Me, an INFJ, I believe, I agree with many things you say. Any relationship is a hard work, and it takes time and patience to make it grow and bloom. Indeed, all these stereotypical "stages of relationships" don't work for everyone, though they seem OK if bring happiness to your significant other and don't exhaust you too much ( I enjoyed the term, because I'm not a native))
The main thing to me is to see that the other person contributes to the relationship as well( as much as they can), is willing to compromise and learn from their mistakes. I will cite Clay Arnall ( he leads a channel on UA-cam as well), " A relationship is like a flower, you don't need to pour a lot of water in for it to flourish because it may die. You just need to put enough water for some period of time."
As an INFJ, I had ( and sometimes have) hard times with my own emotions and the way others perceive me, and I appreciate how you can distance your opinion of yourself from what others may think of you. This is great! I can say that you seem totally alright to me, and the way you reason things is adorable! So, I wish good luck to you and your channel! :)
Thank you so much! I can still get my feelings hurt, but there is a sense of disassociation there that perhaps feeler types have a harder time with. Neither are right and neither are wrong, but I very much admire feeler types if I'm being honest.
Thank you for making this vid, I am talking with an intj woman that I feel I have chemistry with and I want to approach things the right way to give it a chance to happen if it can and I found this most valuable being specifically from a female intj rather than some outside speculation. I like your tertiary Fi octopus btw =]
Thank you for thevideo.
So true about how we "see" love and how we feel.
People forget that our dominate function is internal intuition lol we feel, it's just internalized, rationalized, and then we act based off what feels right and is logical. Although...I struggle with getting annoyed and not just...reacting. That's where the INTJ death stare come in and I start talking slow or looking off in space. Thanks for the comment!
@@nikiyikes5674 I struggle with that too. The just reacting thing. Mainly because it's so unlike us, but sometimes you'll get that Se flare. I know sometimes (very few times, really) I reacted emotionally when annoyed and I regretted every single time.
All my life a felt so misunderstood, until i found out i was intj, even now sometimes i wish i could be a normal girl and be happy with everyone else. But now i have kinda accepted what i am. Doesnt make me feel happy, just gives me the data i need to work with myself.😂
In my experience, I find that my happiness is something that comes from within, whereas those around me need others in order to achieve the same thing.
I wouldn't be so fast to assume that everyone else is so much happier than you.
@@nikiyikes5674 Intuitively I've felt that nothing or no one can make me happy. It is my internal state that I control depending on how I tend to look at things or how I want to feel in the moment. Nowadays it makes more sense for me that this is actually the case for all human beings but not everyone has realized it yet because they get confused by the confounding variables that they're sucieptable to.
*sigh. Haha
Your interpretations are very relatable! I hope to see your channel grow, it seems you have a lot more creativity up your sleeve!
Thank you so much! Yes, much more to come.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with other INTJs (and not only). Did I hear Badger purr a few times to confirm your spot on analysis?:)
I smiled when you said ' chocolate, hearts and serenading' - my cousin once told me: ' I think you're really romantic. It is just not the 'roses, chocolate and hearts' romance, but rather heavy boots, darkness and understanding...
I think my cousin nailed it.
I suppose I'd rather be single than spending my time with a wrong person. And that applies to the other party as well - I wouldn't like to be with someone who would just need me to fulfill some social standards, whereas deep in the core he would see me as ' she is good enough'. Good enough is no good enough, I want a reason and confirmation (in action, not words) that his will is to be with me. Where there is a will, there is means and
from what I've observed most of the people in relationships are not in a relationship (according to my standards). There is a difference between being with someone and being next to someone. I can't fight against the nature - so there has to be some ' spark' and attraction, but above anything else - the will and motivation - to carry on and to work on it and make it function. I don't want to hold anybody tight and I don't want to be taken for granted either. Like you pointed out, Niki, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have children - it has never been on my list. But I may strategise everything in my life, though I will surely not strategise someone else's behaviour.
I see a relationship (even friendship, not only the romantic one) as a garden: sowing the seeds is just the beginning. Gardening is an ongoing process.
And mine is pretty much filled with black roses. Plenty weeds around that keep re-growing and have to be plucked out and unrooted. And I won't be doing it on my own.
Ah, pure poetry. I am an INTJ who is more on the arts side than the science side. Thanks for your comment!
@@nikiyikes5674 : I guess I am the same, but my heart goes for science, whereas I am afraid my brain doesn't hold capacity for it, so tends to compensate on the art side. Would have been way more meaningful and benefitial the other way around:)
Thanks for sharing. Your videos go into more depth of how a female INTJ looks in a relationship with more transparency and openness. It brings a lot of value and entertainment for me for I find INTJs to be the most interesting out of all the MBTI
I always thought that practicality, compatibility and harmony was just as important as having romantic attraction for something meaningful.
Glad to know at least 0.8 of the population isnt just going to settle for the sake of not wanting to be alone.
Subscribed. Look forward to your future INTJ videos.
-INFx-T/A
Thank you for the support! I knew from the very start that I wanted to use myself and my own experiences help shed more light on INTJ's. INTJ females especially seem to be confusing to many people.
@@nikiyikes5674 Your suffering and pain has a greater meaning now for the greater good. You'll be helping more INTJs understand themselves and be understood while documenting your growth and hardships while overcoming them.
I'm sure your channel will blow up in time specially do to the way you do your videos.
Best wishes.
As an INTP I heard that I should be pretty compatible with an INTJ. I had 2 dates (dinner and a trip to a farmer's market) with one and while we got along well and seemed to have good camaraderie, I felt like I was playing poker with her and couldn't figure out how she felt about anything. I found love shortly after with my polar opposite (ISFP), but given that my type is not seen as terribly emotional, I definitely met my match with an INTJ. I could never get below surface level emotion even on deep topics.
Thank you so much for these videos!
I've tested as INFP, INTP, and INTJ.
I can relate to all but INTJ, pretty much exactly how you've described this type, is the one I identified with most (I did think I was ENTJ for a while when looking at INTP unconscious, despite not testing as one officially).
I really liked your 10 alleged facts video too as you debunked the stereotypes (or confirmed in places where appropriate) just as I would. Super weird and validating at the same time. Thank you!!!
One thing I will say, as a 32 yo female about a month into a new 'relationship' with an INFJ (first relationship in 3 years as I recovered from an emotionally and psychologically abusive last relationship): the whole trust thing is difficult... Obviously more so for me in particular..
You didn't really mention this in the video specifically but I'm just bringing it up because it's relevant to me now haha.
I sometimes feel like: if I was fooled in the past, and ignored the red flags because I wanted that relationship to work, then could I be doing the same now? How much can j be using my intellect to feed my delusions?
Also I engage in mental catastrophism (imagining scenes where I'm killed by some freak accident and then finally as I'm dying in the daydream being able to see the look of love in my loved ones eyes that I always craved; and feeling a sense of victory that now they'll be sad cause I died so I finally know they love me type of crazy daydream). That's possibly just me though 😅
I can do catastrophism 'for fun' then actually give myself a panic attack alone in my flat; whilst on the other hand being totally calm in a crisis when everyone else is losing their head at work or in an emergency.
One more thing I'd like to share is I often feel when I'm talking or expressing myself that people are merely tolerating me and I struggle to reach out to friends and family because I feel like I'm burdening them, but once they reassure me, I'll pour my heart out as I keep so much in. Most people just give me these blank stares and I end up trailing off.. best people I have conversations with that I've asked to take the test are: ENFP my sister and INTP my nephew. It's so fun seeing how we interact.. it's usually me and my INTP nephew just talking incessantly giving my sister ENFP a headache haha. But when it's just me and my sister, I am just so amazed at how naturally and openly we can talk. It's only been good last 4 years though, when we were younger we didn't really gel!
Sorry for long rant, but hey it's 4.58am and j just cannot sleep so I thought I'd pour my boredom into something 'productive' like leaving a vulnerable comment to share with others. Lol. It's nowhere near as neat or well articulated as I'd like but it'll do. Well done for the great content, I hope you'll do more so I can binge that too!
Best of luck with channel and to all my fellow female INTJ s : I'm sending you all virtual genuine hugs because it's fucking hard! But also amazing so.. yeah! Haha
I just made a video about my past relationships that you my be able to relate to. It can be hard moving past things, especially if you dissociate yourself (like I do) from your feelings. Have you ever had an anxiety attack but felt no anxiety? My body feels all my emotions for me (lol), but I've been working on it. I get blank stares or interrupted when I talk by family members. They often can't even keep up with my train of thought or how I explain things. People can hardly be upset by our "secretive" or "distant" nature when they don't ever listen. Thank you for the heartfelt comment! They're always welcome on my channel.
@@nikiyikes5674 thanks for your reply!
Yes I was literally just saying to someone today that I usually use my body signs and symptoms to assess what emotion I'm feeling!
I only realised I was in flight or flight mode for years, when k finally relaxed.for a minute and understood I hadn't been relaxed for a very long time! I will certainly check out the other video, thanks for sharing 😊
You're so accurate.
Definitely someone I would look for as an INTP
Just 👏🏻👏🏻👌🏻👌🏻 reason’s I’ve been single for so long, thank you for articulating.
Good job. True. Every word.
Thank you for sharing. I feel the same (INFJ) x
Good insights. This totally hits for this INTJ female
Thanks! I'll get around to an updated version eventually.
WOW YOURE BEAUTIFUL
I agree with everything you said
But I think the problem is masks/facade/serenading are an almost compulsory part of heterosexual courtship.
I've faced a lot of problems with being too focused on my vision, or I intuitively know how perfect it's going to be (not because I was swept away by emotions but rather because I analysed who both of us are and how compatible the blend is) that I take into account all elements into consideration except what the other party is feeling or I seen too decided and come off as forceful or like I'm pursuing
A book that really helped me put things into perspective is Why Men Love Bitches
I always tell myself us INTJs are brilliant at the being inside of a relationship part a lot more than the getting into one process
I’m just mesmerised by your cat ❤
Great Video!
Thank you!
Thanks! You would make an amazing counselor my friend. Although I know that would be a bad idea having to deal with others' emotions lol. Keep being awesome & stay safe & happy :)
Thank you! I did consider it when I was younger, but I become drained much too fast.
I am INFP and have a INTJ friend who I want to understand better this video helped a lot thank you
I'm learning things, just looking at you on the video. It took me a LONG time to come to the conclusion that I am INTJ. And, that was after working out that I am a lateral thinker and trying to figure out in what way it manifests itself so I would have some clue what was R & L normalcy for me and what was the in-between , and which would come out most during extreme stress. Once I heard something that made me look at INTJ again and I looked up the polar opposite of INTJ, it started really clicking. ESFP is the alleged polar opposite. INTJ - earthy, thinking, logical, pracitcal, earth tones, naturalness, darker tones. ESFP- brighter, performing, more silly. Not silly, but more than an INTJ in general. Glam, shine. So, here is you. Pretty easy going hairstyle in a natural tone and dark top, but brighter, happier, more glamorous makeup. Natural toned home, with a bright throw and a really cute pillow thing. That's mostly INTJ with the ESFP showing just a bit. That's what I see.
Me being an INTP I started off listening and ended up observing your room still listening to 99.9 of everything you talked about (hopefully that doesn't sound weird).. but hey your room is fucking dope :)
Well, you simply just sold me that I absolutely need to be looking for the 1/50 INTJ female. What you said is exactly what I am looking for. Independence, respect, trust, but love is not about chocolates and flowers, it's about being there for them when they need you. It's about giving up that drive we have in that moment for someone else's well being because you love them more than yourself in that moment. It is funny that you said something about the difference between feminine and masculine. I suppose I hadn't thought about it in that way, but I still see the feminine even in what some might see masculine. It is, in it's own way, ironic. There should always be so much more than the superficial in any relationship. The love I have for my father transcends time. The love I seek from my partner must be the same. I guess for some of us that is apparent while others are still learning the lesson.
Perfect explanation.
I relate to this so much.
Yessss. Loved everything you said especially about finding someone who doesn't suck the living life out of us🤣😂🤣 so funny and so true
Awesome video.
As a side, octopuses and cuttlefish are awesome and are totally the INTJs of the sea. Their lifespan is the only thing that holds them back from taking over the world.
Yes, yes, yes to substantial! I agree that people who don't think about this and get swept away by the superficial end up in miserable marriages. As an INTJ lady I've actually have had an easy time in the romance world. I think I am very good at sorting out guys who will like me for who I am. My current INTP partner is pretty great. I am very glad I am not scared of being single. I don't believe in fate or soulmates. I think that every relationship has a chance of failure and that people can change and grow apart.
100%. It's all in the effort that we make, and BOTH have to make that effort. My last relationship was with an INTP and he was very...self-focused. That was a "him" thing, however, not an INTP thing. Thanks for the comment! It's inspiring to see some of my fellow INTJ females having successful relationships.
@@nikiyikes5674 That is really interesting that you mention that about your INTP partner. My partner is also very self-focused. It is one of the qualities I am least happy about with him. Overall he still comes with many more "pros" than "cons" but yeah...interesting.
@@rodemates OH, how interesting! Perhaps I stand corrected then.
I fell in love with you just by the way your mind works, absolutely beautiful.
on a side note, your cat made me think my cat was spazing around.
as a young INTJ female i know if i like someone but i try to control myself to not get too attached cuz the more you get attached the more it will hurt and as for my perspective of love i see it as a feeling that makes you happy when you're with your loved one but that feeling might fade if you're getting tired or felling out of love and as for me who has high standards alot of boys tried to flirt on me but they gave up cuz i'm hard to get. I can tell that they only wanted to date me becuse of my looks but not as who i am, they see me as an intimidating person with anger issues but that's not true i only act that way if i know i don't like that person or i'm uninterested
that's my own perspective of love since i came from a broken family and it makes me scared to fall for a wrong person cuz i want to have a complete family in the future. as one of INTJ traits is to plan ahead for me the only thing we can't plan ahead is love cuz you don't know what will happen, we can't control the relationship and keep it as the way we wanted
I understand as much as I can without being you personally. I also come from a broken family, and it took many years to stop lowering myself for others. I used to play my part, play a role (I still wore back of course), because I was conditioned to think there was something very wrong with me. So stay true to who you are and your convictions. If you're not interested, say no thank you and don't buckle. If you are interested have a conversation with them in a way you feel safe and feel them out. Take it slow until you know their motivations and if they are someone who will love you for YOU and not the idea of you. And if they take off because it's taking too long or you're to "hard" to get. There's your answer! Good riddance. This is just advice I wish someone had given me, but hopefully this helps in some way. Thank you for the comment and for sharing this.
That is why I need to go watch romantic TV shows or movies so that I can study how most people behave romantically.
I will definitely spend time and help my significant other to be in a better place when time is needed. To blend in is a survival skill that I have, but most of the time, Nah. Cannot fake it anymore, and said everything when things are breaking down because I cannot hold the conversation.
It is a bit funny as you put it (in return), it is like we INTJs kinda perceive a romantic gesture as in a "business situation".
Right, and when people are upset we're in full computer mode as we analyze why and what we can do to either A. Make them feel better, B. Make sure it never happens again, or C. Just simply understand what happened. I believe some only view this as a problem because they come to expect us to respond strongly with emotion right back...and be don't. We don't want to. We don't want to fight and take part in drama. Seems pointless.
If you happen to watch the Notebook in particular, please let me what you think of it. Thanks for the comment!
Yes! We focus on sharing ideas more than sharing feelings with others, so I guess they want us to show that side of us that we do not want to ever show it to someone who is not closed to us. I believe that we have the potential to be that emotional, but we do not like to experience that tense emotion ever again.
Yes, and we kinda hear similar stories over and over again that we just do not want to take sides, I guess not taking the side is also a problem. We try to prevent drama and future ones, too. Don't want to fight anyone, but everything we say others don't agree with us.
Do you mean the movie Notebook (2004)? I have not watched it yet but will take a look.
As INTJ I want to feel like the other person understands me and my feelings for them without saying it (because they know me so well). I don't need hearts and flowers I need this spark what will make me feel full, no lies of endless love but reality and the truth. We can be there for the person we love because if we love we love fully but it's hard to love when there will be no truth or meeting expectations.
this is accurate. I really resonate with that. Having to explain myself constantly is so painful.
So much yes! INTJ male with very similar experiences.
From an INTJ woman, thank you.
Personality is intriguing, and in my experience, can be a bit fluid if you have a very neutral personality. Prior to marriage, I was actually 50/50 S and N when I took the test. Now, I’m technically an ISTJ because that has changed to 55/45. Don’t know what this says about me or marriage lol. Being so on the line, there are aspects of both the S and N that I’m realizing I very much identify with while others I do not. This kind of stuff is so fascinating to me because it’s not one size fits all. Yet, others’ experiences are incredibly relatable to those of the same type. Very interesting and informative!
Also, your cat is adorable
Your type doesn't change, the letters mean nothing, look into cognitive functions, you may feel that you have change types because you developed your inferior function which gave you more awareness on your shadow functions. One example, I am an INTP which means that my ego stack is TI NE SI FE and my shadow stack is TE NI SE FI. Usually people are more in touch with their ego functions so that's what comes naturally to them in their thought process. Once you develop your inferior function(the 4th one), that gives you more awareness on your shadow as the inferior is the gate to the shadow. For example, in my case, as an INTP, my NI,SE and FI developed quickly once I started to use my FE, but my stronger functions are still TI and NE.
If you are not sure about being an INTJ or an ISTJ, the answer is on your hero function(the first one), ISTJ's use SI and INTJ's use NI and that gives you a very different approach to life.
I will recommend you the cognitive function playlist from CS Joseph here in youtube, he says a lot of BS on other videos and I don't exactly like or agree with a lot of his content, but the cognitive function playlist is pure gold if you are interested in going deeper into mbti.
Yes! I second that about learning the cognitive functions. The tests are fallible as are pretty much any personality tests. Hell, I've been mistyped once as ISTJ, which was literally 51% S & 49% N in the results, lol. I figure it's because I do value my inferior function. People get mistyped all the time. It's a dead giveaway if you get different results all the time, but sometimes a person will get the same results regularly and be wrong. Although you can develop your functions and change your behaviors, your type doesn't really change. Hell, if you don't know the functions, you could just as likely to be an ISTP. 🤷♀️
Thank you for bringing valuable information about what the real intj is like so many other videos stereotype us as the typical cold evil character
I plan on more videos in the future. I might do a part 2 to this one.
Intj male here. I approve this message.
As a young female INTJ thankyou for showing me that there's actually nothing wrong with me and I'm not too picky ❤
This is my favourite video ever ❤
Didn't know i was an INTJ, let alone a Female INTJ. Living and learning everyday!
Love the video! Thanks for sharing ur thoughts!!
Im an INTJ and agree with everything you said!!! + I realize that i have a problem with understanding my feelings! And if i feel something i feel it so strong their is no balance for it ( i hate someone 100% or love 100%) + cannot have superficial relationships can’t soap/compliment/ suck up to any one especially if i hate them!!
Even if I try to-so hard-,, at the end my social energy will die
Is it an INTJ issue?
10:10 is spot on!
Thank you ❤ it's comfortable to know.that I am not a lone