Overly rigid rules are so damaging and often stem from some kind of complex trauma or PTSD from childhood or early adulthood. Lovely reminder here to not 'should' ourselves. Wishing you a happy holiday season. I hope you have some time off with your lovely family. Much love, Marie-Louise
@@TherapyinaNutshell While suffering in depression n worse anxiety,have lost all family,then faced more tragedies,😭😭, lost home,all wealth,...all left alone...Now suffering in much worse mental state,can,t manage myself,gone much worse,Life is hell torture,Doctors say that without strong caring support,it will b a miracle to recover for an alone mentaly upset person,so will anyone support me ,adopt for few months to recover😭😭😭?True. But what,s about those who have lost mental strength after facing constant shocks,life tragedies,no one alive to care😭😭,geting v worse mentaly sick...Can,t manage anything,doctors say that medicines work if some caring gurdian,caretaker will support then health improves...😭😭,but if no one cares,no one supports,such person remains in room whole time,can,t face people,can,t come out in day light,become worse mentally,physically,remain in unhygenic state which lead to more mental tortures so Suicide remains th only solution after loosing family,health,wealth,after loising a high grade multi national job then shocks kept on going,remain un employed for 4 years and have become worse sick😭😭,Lectures,advice work if someone truly supports to recover,God never comes ,He sends people to save such helpless person...I request the whole world to listen and urgently contact me as im suffering in vv severe mental tortures,neither die nor can live peacefully,brain power is expired😭😭,Respected listener,plzzz...Is there anyone who can take me away,save me,Adopt me for few months to recover,make sm true efforts to bring me back into normal life...By Swear,im in v worse hell mental ,physical state...Need an urgent true support
@@TherapyinaNutshell It,s impossible 4 an alone person to recover from Schizophrenia😭😭,n major depression,crossing 40,Will you truly ,practically support an alone who has no one to care n cure,
The thought change from "I should be happy" to "I don't like feeling down rn, what can I do right now?" is amazing. Seriously, thanks! this video is so helpful!
In my 50’s and all the women in my family have been shoulding ourselves our entire lives! Along with always “sorryIng” for everything, even things we’re not responsible for.
I think women are raised to believe that they are responsible for everything, especially making their spouse and children happy all of the time, especially for we older women. Hopefully, things are changing with the younger generations.
I've felt guilted about NOT being happy or grateful enough. Sometimes I feel disappointed and let down, and it can feel hard to recognize the good occurring. And then some well-meaning people may say to me, "You should be very grateful! You have a lot of good things going for you" and that can make me feel WORSE because then I think "Well what is wrong with me that I can't just BE HAPPY about where I am? Why can't I be grateful?' - I hate that!
Oh man the whole "You should be happy there is lots of good things" makes you feel better for maybe 30 secs and then I just think... well why am I not happy despite all of that? Just sends you into a spiral...
These are really helpful tools, especially for those of us who tend to dwell on our mistakes in life, thinking "I should have" or "if only" over and over again. Thank you.
I literally almost completely cured my depression overnight by just allowing myself to do and think whatever I felt. I gave myself permission to uproot my life and do whatever the hell I wanted to, and realized that given my circumstances, I didn’t want to. The problem wasn’t the shame, I just didn’t have enough internal motivation to get me to do things. Now my life is full of me being motivated to do everything I want to. I got a great job and turned my life around in 1 month
Things that you said gave me the idea for the type of meditation I did that completely turned everything around for me. I just feel my feelings as they are, and see what they want me to do
I have been really shocked at what happened when I accepted my anger and lashed out. I was surprised how well people took it and how good I felt about myself. Everything in moderation - even tantrums! I wasn’t equanimous, I was stifled, and now I’m better!
@@youtubename7819 That’s great if that approach has let you be less repressed and isn’t causing you to lash out in ways that make you feel guilty or unjustified later. With my meditative approach, I allow myself to feel all the various feelings involved first before I decide how to act, and that way I’m not impulsive with my approach and I’m also not repressing anything, just realizing that I can have various emotions about the same thing
when you said "when we stop resisting how we feel we give ourselves a chance to resolve how we feel", that's something I keep forgetting. I have a habit of trying to force any bad or strong feelings away, and then I just get into a spiral and come out of it exhausted in the end. thank you, this is a helpful video!
I call it living in "SMOG." Should, Must, Ought, Got. I'm sure there are other words. I do this too many times. I'd forgotten about this. At this time of year it's all too easy for me to get lost in this type of distortion (any time really). Thanks for the reminder. And bringing up the history. That was interesting.
"Stop putting so much energy into resisting reality" that really makes me think! I do the "should-ing on myself " thing a lot when trying to correct daily behaviors and trying to improve... I am going to re-think that and take this lesson! Thank you for the great advice Emma!!!
In high school, I had a teacher who always said, “Don’t should on others” (or yourself). It always stuck with me, and the older I get the more grateful I am that she shared that wisdom with us, and I hope other classmates found the value in it too. Thank you so much for sharing this, so I can share it with my friends as well!
What also hurts is "I should have" leaves no room for improvement whatsoever. It puts the spotlight on something I did or didn't do and because it's already done or not done I have no recourse for betterment.
From someone who has cPTSD, being compassionate and kind to myself is very much a work in progress. I was listening to an audiobook on this topic, and the question was raised, "We can show compassion and kindness to other people and sentient beings, so why are some of us unable to show it to ourselves?" This implies that we think we are unworthy. I am learning, albeit slowly, that I am worthy of self-compassion. Thank you for this video.
That reminds me of the emotional first aid by guy winch. In it he does the though experiment where you mess up at work and call a friend to talk about it because you feel bad, and your friend says "of course you messed up, you're worthless", etc. And of course you're shocked because you would never keep a friend who treats you like that/talk to a friend like that. But we accept that sort of talk from ourselves.
I love how you conflate the word "should" with a less palatable one. It's effective! I was just thinking of New Year's resolutions and the pile of "should" became overwhelming quickly.
On new years resolutions, I've found a real change by making resolutions to treat myself or be kinder to myself rather than to do or somehow "be" better. So instead of resolving to get fit, bhs instead of resolving to run every day I might resolve to be kind to myself when I don't feel like running. It's really closely related to the subject matter of this video now I think about it. Happy holidays and may your resolutions lead to good things for you and those you care for.
Wishing everyone peaceful thoughts and tranquil feelings. Learn to just be still and let life happen. Trust that this will all come together very soon. Meanwhile, know that you are loved and all of us here are pulling for you. Let go and relax right now, knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment in time.
I place too much expectation on myself. I’m learning to accept things aren’t always perfect and that Things happen as they are in the present moment. I don’t need to judge myself or others. I can do things ‘70% well’ rather than 100%. Life isn’t about jumping from one perfect thing to another. It’s about being intentional about the things we care about and doing those to things as well as we in the flow of the present moment
"When we leave piles of 'should' everywhere in our lives"? Emma, can I quote you on that? I'm pretty sure that's the best line I'm going to hear all day.
I wish Strawberries were cheaper than fries! how would that be, the dollar menu on the drive-thru having strawberries on it! But who's going to pick them and truck them fresh to me for free? :) thanks for your comment!
It's worth pointing out that while you gotta shop "in season" and learn about laying food up for future use (canning, freezing, dehydrating, etc...) There ARE farmers' markets where prices can be incredible and negotiable with trades, even just accepting that you may have to go to the field on your own for the stuff they wouldn't bring to market (because it's just not pretty)... I'd advise working together in groups, saving up the best you can, and either borrowing or renting if you must a large vehicle for each trip if you have to go very far. It's one of my favorite uses of U-Haul... or Ryder's... BUT start early and just take something like a full-size van for the first few trips, to get used to what's available. It's not difficult to catch up and get fairly well known with such places... Make contacts, trade phone numbers and be able to make requests... (like "Call me next month if those paw-paws drop. I'd love to come out and pick up about a bushel.") The unfortunate reality is that food doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive, but the infrastructure is about 80% of the problem. Marketing is another horrible invention... Break this habit of looking for the prettiest fruits and vegetables when you're produce shopping... Some tomatoes aren't going to be pretty, perfectly red, or round... Romas are small and ovals... but one of the most consistently flavorful even in the stores... AND just because a whole case of tomatoes are lumpy, pinkish, and have streaks of yellow-green, it doesn't mean they're not healthy or delicious... Kinda the same with anything, even strawberries... AND toward the end of the season, so long as you don't mind soft-spots and funny looking strawberries, it's not difficult to gather and freeze a multitude for later... Might not be perfect, but slushy-strawberries and a splash of brown sugar can brighten a mood in the dead of winter... AND at least you KNOW what's been done to preserve them... ;o)
A few hours before this video was posted I was making some music lyrics and I wrote: how many shoulds are ruling your life, keeping you from finding what you looking for? Always auspicious, thanks for the vids Emma
Thanks Emma this was an awesome one ! you know one thing came to my mind while i was watching this video, is that “ should / shouldn’t “ i think are mostly used to satisfy others more than we do for ourselves ! 😬 which is a kind of the way we have been raised & programmed.. Anyways thank you again & waiting for your next one 😅🌺🌹🙏🏻
It's so incredibly true! We're raised to seek acceptance, validation and approval that when anything goes wrong or "isn't part of the plan" that our mind tends to find explanations including blaming ourselves. Things like "If only I had done this instead of that" or "I should've listened to so and so"... or my personal "favorite" comparing what/who was to who/what currently is (comparing bad relationships of our pasts to our healthy relationships of the present). We are our own worst enemy, so we have to find ways to treat ourselves better, otherwise we risk the cycle of "shoulds", "if onlys", or worse "what if".
"Don't should yourself" sounded like "don't sh** yourself" to me throughout this video, but I knew that couldn't be the case! But in a brilliant, funny, and dark humor type of way if you should yourself all the time you're basically sh**ing on yourself the value you hold, the work you're doing, and digging yourself in a deeper hole. Thank you for the awesome video and clear instructions on how to move away from sh**ing on myself lol
Lol, I thought the same. Maybe its the way she pronounces it, because reading and hearing produced two different thoughts 😂. Intentional or not, super funny!
Thank you, this is something my therapist catches me out on all the time 'There you go with your "shoulds" again' and although she doesn't word it as such, she helps me with the notice, pause, explore, clarify and act process. I've just discovered your channel and realising how much of the things you talk about are things she says makes me grateful to have a good therapist.
Oof this is one I've been wrestling with lately. I "should" be able to be on too of everything, but this helps me realize that I am choosing to be gentle with myself instead of pleasing the ever-present judgy narrative constantly running through my head.
I should myself, and when I don't show up accordingly, I guilt myself. I just caught myself and made it a rule to stop. If I should be doing anything...I would be. If I'm not...that's ok. This is my argument with reality. When I'm arguing with reality, I always lose. 🤙
I feel like sometimes it’s not all about forcing that aggressive motivation to awaken so,you can perform to a standard you think you like better. Maybe taking time to see the reality for what it really is and making subtle but still meaningful moves to gradually incorporate necessary change can leave a more lasting impact and lift more weight off of you. I enjoy all of these videos because I actually learn to include what is being my own life. Being fourteen, it’s helped me grow and expand my mind. As a result, my mind is a bit ahead and I can adapt to what comes my way. Much gratitude for this content.
The past tense is even worse! “Should have,” “could have,” and “would have” are some of the most frustrating phrases for me. I’ll need to listen to this a few times to wrestle out what I think and how this is affecting me, but boy do I appreciate having this called out. I was just thinking how counterproductive it has been in my life to be told I should have done something. It focuses on the abstraction of the badness of something I failed to do, frozen in the past and unfixable. The awful feeling is held up as motivation to make things better in the future, which is also abstract, and it’s all presented as a simple 1-step process - you just CHANGE, and then (the promise goes) you can stop feeling miserable with yourself. There’s nothing motivating about any of this. The incentive offered and the path to get there both feel really, really inadequate. Thank you for pointing out some nicer alternatives!
My mum has should on herself and the family, for as long as I can remember. As a child, the need to be unnaturally good/tidy/helpful/quiet/doing activities through should left little mental space for anything else. Although ‘should’ is a red flag for the user, when used so often it feels weaponised. I only realised this could be an issue a couple of months ago (I am now 33). Talking with my mum: realising that we had been just chatting, she gives me a list of things ‘we’ should be doing. I told her that when she used words like ‘should’, ‘must’ or ‘have to’ discouraging. She looked terribly upset. Watching this video I now understand how deep this runs. Something so seemingly small can have such a huge and damaging effect. Thank you, you have given me much to think about.
Thanks for your comment and personal application...yes it can be so hard to separate an honest striving to be better with overly rigid rules that lead to never feeling good enough...we can all just keep working on it a little bit and make small progress over time, it will add up :)
omg thanks for sharing! yes, i realized today i was SHOULD ing on myself and tbh alot of it came from my mom who is always judging me (God helps all of us heal and find peace). Its hard bc we are so conditioned to SHOULD ourselves but ir;l, we now know we do nOT need to SHOULD ourselves. its good to take the pressure off and allow oursleves to be. whatever happened in reality is what SHOULD have happened, hence that is why it happened. we cannot make up our own idea in our head regarding what SHOULD have happened.
Can you see that when your mother got “terribly upset” it was simply her way of trying to impose her will on you again? Just as she did with you as a child. Edit What’s interesting is when she did that, was she able to guilt?…get you to judge yourself?…control you?
@@fatimarizvi1270 Your mother judging you is on her head. Just as you judging her is on your head. Can you see that for you to be free from her, all you have to do is stop judging her?
Interesting, I inadvertently should-ed on my children while raising them. I just sent a message to my teen about where she should be Christmas day. Oops, wrong approach, again. Darn
This is awesome! I’ve always wondered why I’ve felt *more* paralyzed when I’ve thought that I should be doing something. I bet my son feels that way when I tell him he should be doing something.
I'm glad to see that a resource like this channel exists on UA-cam! Not everybody has access to support and there are often barriers to receiving therapy. I started a channel focused on fitness and wellbeing. One reason for the channel: I was speaking with a 600lb woman who was depressed/anxious and she was given advice from a doctor on how to lose weight (i.e. eating fewer calories and exercising 30 minutes a day) but she didn't understand the steps involved. Another reason is, I've met STEM graduate students who suffer from depression and anxiety and are far removed from psychology and how to even go about feeling better. My undergrad is in psychology and my PhD is in math. It's not emphasized enough how fundamental mental health is to achieving any (fitness) goal. Too many channels focus solely on physical appearance rather than functional health. My channel is new, but I'd love to feature yours and direct my audience to your videos.
Exactly what I needed in this moment, as I sit here beating myself up for feeling like I need a break today when I "should" be preparing our homeschool lessons for the day and making a nutritious breakfast and vacuuming the house and folding the laundry. I'm weaning off my antidepressant and just feel down today with the dreary, cold weather and marriage struggles that I can't immediately fix. And that's ok. I'm going to stop fighting these feelings and instead give myself the kindness and grace I would extend to a friend.
I came across this video and I almost didn't watch it. I am so glad I did. The information is very helpful and the steps for change are straightforward. I will write them down and use them. Thank you. I appreciate the honest self acknowledgement as well. No matter who we are, but especially women, we are a work in progress. Oh and I hit the subscribe button. I look forward to your other helpful videos too. You are a beautiful soul.
This came at such a good time. I started the year getting sick because my body couldn't handle anymore all the pressure I was putting into myself. I didn't know anything about shoulding before, but now I can see that I was definitely doing it and it contributed to me feeling terrible.
I will replay this video (maybe many times) so that the information highlighted gets better highlighted in my thought processes. Doing something once does not make something habitual in thought for me... especially when one such as I is trying to overturn an unhealthy-for-me habit.
@@TherapyinaNutshell Listened again. This time it brought up memories of my early Catholic indoctrinations via my parents and the Church. "I should" was so very important... to making me feel bad about everything I did or did not do. I have cleared(?) many from my ongoing mindset, but there are still remnants of those... conditionings. My parents are long gone so I can effectively blame them any longer (for they were not really to blame save for not thinking about and evaluating what they passed on to me). So it is all, as in totally, up to me, even if I were to use the professionalism of a therapist. That being that, for whatever reason I had, I chose before I decided to compose and share this comment, to list once again to listen to "How to release emotions trapped in your body". It is like with nutrition, it not just one thing is this human creature, it is many things all linked together. So, it is that nutrients of one sort need other nutrients and those do things together with other things to do things good-ish, so to it is with the mind and my way of thinking(?...l or lack of thinking?). Look, I am above 65 and "should be not working a job but be on Social Security"... hahaha... enter the "should be". But I am and I want to be and I am okay with it... but, I hear that indoctrination... those whispers. I am single and unattached but for some reason chose to move out of an apartment into a house. I have found inspiration in some UA-camrs for me to do things I want to do that I can only do for having a residence that is not an apartment. As with starting a certain type of business, is it all about location, location, location???
I really resonate with the message of this video. The "shoulds" in my life are things I've been trying to clean up for many years. Just finding the correct "should" cleaning tools now in my late 30s, and this video helped a lot. Thanks!
Easy to say hard to do! I'm 30 year's old. I live in Greece.Suffering from depression (i think) for several years. I don't have money to go to a therapist. Didn't know what to do with my life.Still living with my parents,and I'm trying to find my own place but i can't afford anything alone. Never i was interesting on something particular except playing soccer. I believe I've wasted most of my years of thinking what I'm good to and trying to get a girl to like me. Never had a relationship with a girl. I have only hook ups for 2-3 months and then I'm acting needy (that's what they say.) and then they dump me. I hate my life. I hate being alone. If i didn't had my parents I don't know if i would be alive. I'm not saying those things for anyone to feel sorry for me cause i know there are people in worst situations. I'm just searching for a way out or a miracle. Always I'm thinking what if i did that or this. I hate seeing the look of my parents thinking that I'm a looser cause most of my cousin's or friends are in a better position than me. I don't know what to expect anymore from life. I expect the worst all the time.
I think a lot of mine stems from procrastination and envy. Putting things into action and just being happy right now are two of my big solutions. Also being better at investing my money will help too.
What a great way to thinking about this. Thank you for helping me understand how I’m ‘shoulding’ all over the place. I’m going to get a scoop and start to clean up this mess.
I used to do this. I would think that I've should've done more that day. But the fact is, I didn't, it's now 10pm and the day is over, no use worrying about. I think of the 2 things I DID get done and realize those are 2 less things I don't have to do tomorrow.
Thank u for this..the should've was absolutely killing me inside n didn't know what was wrong..I changed my statements to I can give myself acceptance n love n this will help take care of me..I pray n kept hearing take care if urself..I became dry n well this changed my perspective on my approach..something counselor hasn't told me b4.
I needed this video today. So glad I saw this video!! Thanks so much. As someone who's currently unable to get help via therapy, these videos have helped me tremendously.
Saying "I could.." instead of "I should.." really empowers you! My main language is spanish so I naturally translated this, and our word for "Could" ("Poder") literally means Power. In spanish "I can do something" literally means "I have the power to do something" 💪😃. On the other hand, the word "Should" in spanish ("Deber") means "to owe something". Owe something to who? Lol
This is such a great video! I watched it, saved it with 5 stars, my highest allowed rating, and then missplaced it somewhere. Thank God and THANK YOU for putting your past videos in such accessible form. This video is humorous and so, so, so helpful. Thank you kindly again for this and all your generous video postings. God bless you!
I have to say that even just hearing you saying the word should so many time (to give us examples) made me feel extremely anxious. Thanks for the video
Thank you, I think I really needed this. Lately I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and possibly depression but my therapist said we need to have more sessions first because there's a lot to unwrap I guess; much of my anxiety has been caused by my hectic lifestyle along with my nature as a person, full-time job as well as full-time college classes have completely crushed my nerves. Been contemplating leaving my job for so long but could never because it definitely pays a lot to an undergrad besides I "should" be grateful at all to have a job, I "should" not run away from my stressors and fight them, I "should" fix my anxiety and not resign...and a lot of "should"s that would otherwise make me feel like a failure which is my biggest fear, and then I felt too anxious to the point of having a tight chest during sleep. Finally, even though there's a lot to work on, your advice along with my therapist is great, I should really tackle how I feel without judgement to myself, and I should take the steps to improve my mental health, nobody wants to have a mental breakdown. Therefore, I guess I'll quit my job for now (nothing can beat my worst fear), focus on my finals, use some of the money I saved, and find an internship/job later in my field of study - it will pay a lot less, but at least I wouldn't feel the profound dread I get everytime I start working right now.
OMG THANK YOU. I'm a self labelled Perfectionist, whatever I do, I have the be the best and anything else is a shame. I then ignore this shame from defeats, by pretending that I don't care. In these areas such as uni, family, and religion. I always aspire to be perfect, but I hadn't put 2 and 2 together. I'm a perfectionist in all area of my life, included in how I see the world and how it should be etc. Thank you for your advice on shouldn't and couldn'ts, it will honestly help me so much in fighting back against those impossibly high expectations, while also unlocking the best version of me. Subscribed 💙
Thank you. It helps me a lot. I often think that I should do my job better, I should have a better career, I should make more money... Those should make me feel bad about myself, and I can't escape from feeling disappoited in myself. I will practice letting those should away. from yesterday, something not good happen and I felt bad, but now, watching your videos, I know where I can start. thank you for your hard work. I watch your videos whenever I feel down so I can have the motivation to act on my problems.
And i appreciate you for helping me to not feel this way, i am not going to say i appreciate you for being caring because it is just a job and at the end of the day you don’t care about the patient unless you feel a bond with them (not relationship) just a human interaction i guess but thank you.
I get soooo much from your videos. I’m bipolar and though I’m medicated and most of the time I’m ok, I can have terrible crashes. Your videos have helped me so so much in many areas and have been responsible for me having a lot less serious crashes. Thank you 🙏
There are some shoulds that I don’t want to give up but are in fact causing me pain. I think people should be respectful, kind, and loving as much as possible. I get upset when they aren’t. By reframing this as “I WANT to be respectful, kind, and loving as much as possible and socialize with those people who agree with me more” makes me feel a lot better and reduces the tyranny of the should.
I usually don't comment on UA-cam videos. But Thank You so much for this video!!! I have been feeling so overwhelmed for the last couple of weeks and no matter how much break I was taking I was constantly feeling burnt out. Now I have understood that, I was constantly should-ing myself!!!!! Whenever I would sleep a little bit more than usual I would tell myself that I should've waken up earlier and studied hard. I never thought this alarm system of my brain which I created to keep myself motivated was the very thing that was demotivating me. Thank You so much....
I found saying "I have to do this or that" all the time was making me feel burdened. I started saying "I want to do this" and I felt I was declaring a choice I've made rather than a "I have to". It helped. 😊
I LOVE you!!! Thank you for all of your helpful advice and tools. THIS was spot on in my journey right now. I am so grateful. May GOD bless you and your great work. I hope you have a very Merry and blessed Christmas with your family and truly with my whole heart, I Thank you my sister. In CHRIST, Dorothy
This video just came in the right moment for me. One of my resolution for 2022 is never doing "should-ing" since i truly understand my circumstances. That "should-ing" actually was really drained out my energy and my happiness. I just simply accepting what was happened and try my best to take care myself.
what I learned from Dr. Burn's Feeling Good Handbook is instead of saying "I should do X" replace it with "it would be nice if I did X" and don't forget the but: "It would be nice if I would do X...but maybe later" for example...it takes a lot of the stress out! It gives you a second to think of other things you might wish to do instead.
i feel like god send your videos my way to help me every video of your makes me feels that this is what i need to hear, Thank you so much, i love you and i hope you have an amazing and peaceful life you and your family, never give up people even if it seems that everything is ending, trust god and yourself and all will be okay everything happens for a reason we cant know about yet.
Section #3 is often the types of "shoulds" I have... "a successful person should... and by not doing it, I'm unsuccessful" or "a hardworking person should... and by not doing it, I'm not working hard enough". It's amazing how many of these lessons we were taught at some point in our lives by people who meant well, but they often don't realize these are traps. As adults, we really do have to unlearn so much of what we were taught as children, especially that loop of self-guilt used as a motivator
So very helpful thank you! I’m just beginning this process of learning it’s okay to accept my emotions, accept how I’m feeling, being kind to myself and taking small steps towards a positive action
Thank you for the reminder. When i first started therapy in 2012, this was one the lessons I learned. However, as life got in the way, I forgot and dipped back into depression. It's something I am so used to thinking that I don't even recognize it. Mental Health and well being is a journey. Somedays and even some years are worse then others, but keep going! :) I'll remind myself again the importance of not thinking in "should" and "should not," or even all or nothing type of thinking.
Some were raised with this as a never ending refrain from parents, etc. There is constant and continuous pressure to do more, have more and be more! Then it carry’s over into adulthood and becomes self-pressure.
I'm going to get "There is no should" tattooed on me in 2022. I've been wanting to get it tattooed for many years. Love to see others in the mental health community feel the same way I do about this word!
I am going to watch this video a few times to work my way through these new ideas. I am somewhat trapped in ‘should’ land which is exasperated by those around me ‘shoulding’. My husband has never been a ‘shouldER’ and always tells me the grass really is greener on the other side. I’m ready to go all in. Thank you
This is exactly what I suffer from. It is tanking my existence. I'll try to take this on. Replace shoulds with multiple coulds and choose wills from those. I have a lot of shoulds and many lament the past, they are should haves and the time is gone. I am persuaded that every single parent in human history has regrets, and God has absolutely been available to forgive and heal as I felt the pain of human failure. That has been very important progress. God is faithful and we are not. But this season of life is curiously difficult. So much so I have become concerned. Oh, great. I started journaling HERE. 😄 I appreciate the video.
This is the very first video where I've seen that you TRULY have the Strength of your Beliefs. I've watched for quite some time but this one you've boosted your whole being up 3 notches 💥 way to go and a very happy Christmas 🙏
Lol. It's a load of "should". Sorry I couldn't resist. Very true though having piles of "should" in your life does contribute to anxiety attacks. Thank you.
Overly rigid rules are so damaging and often stem from some kind of complex trauma or PTSD from childhood or early adulthood. Lovely reminder here to not 'should' ourselves. Wishing you a happy holiday season. I hope you have some time off with your lovely family. Much love, Marie-Louise
Thank you! Happy holidays.
Thanks Marie-Louise, Happy Holidays!
@@TherapyinaNutshell While suffering in depression n worse anxiety,have lost all family,then faced more tragedies,😭😭, lost home,all wealth,...all left alone...Now suffering in much worse mental state,can,t manage myself,gone much worse,Life is hell torture,Doctors say that without strong caring support,it will b a miracle to recover for an alone mentaly upset person,so will anyone support me ,adopt for few months to recover😭😭😭?True. But what,s about those who have lost mental strength after facing constant shocks,life tragedies,no one alive to care😭😭,geting v worse mentaly sick...Can,t manage anything,doctors say that medicines work if some caring gurdian,caretaker will support then health improves...😭😭,but if no one cares,no one supports,such person remains in room whole time,can,t face people,can,t come out in day light,become worse mentally,physically,remain in unhygenic state which lead to more mental tortures so Suicide remains th only solution after loosing family,health,wealth,after loising a high grade multi national job then shocks kept on going,remain un employed for 4 years and have become worse sick😭😭,Lectures,advice work if someone truly supports to recover,God never comes ,He sends people to save such helpless person...I request the whole world to listen and urgently contact me as im suffering in vv severe mental tortures,neither die nor can live peacefully,brain power is expired😭😭,Respected listener,plzzz...Is there anyone who can take me away,save me,Adopt me for few months to recover,make sm true efforts to bring me back into normal life...By Swear,im in v worse hell mental ,physical state...Need an urgent true support
@@TherapyinaNutshell It,s impossible 4 an alone person to recover from Schizophrenia😭😭,n major depression,crossing 40,Will you truly ,practically support an alone who has no one to care n cure,
I should have some time with my family, that should be lovely.
The thought change from "I should be happy" to "I don't like feeling down rn, what can I do right now?" is amazing. Seriously, thanks! this video is so helpful!
Alternatively, change "I should be happier" to "Its okay for me to feel unhappy"
*"If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can't hear them..."* If you are reading this today, I hope you have an amazing day!
In my 50’s and all the women in my family have been shoulding ourselves our entire lives! Along with always “sorryIng” for everything, even things we’re not responsible for.
Same.
Where do you think you get your identity from?
Yes, I’m sorrys go right with it. For me it was a hyper rigid mom, even telling me what I did was bad for my health from a young age.
I think women are raised to believe that they are responsible for everything, especially making their spouse and children happy all of the time, especially for we older women. Hopefully, things are changing with the younger generations.
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
I've felt guilted about NOT being happy or grateful enough. Sometimes I feel disappointed and let down, and it can feel hard to recognize the good occurring. And then some well-meaning people may say to me, "You should be very grateful! You have a lot of good things going for you" and that can make me feel WORSE because then I think "Well what is wrong with me that I can't just BE HAPPY about where I am? Why can't I be grateful?' - I hate that!
Oh man the whole "You should be happy there is lots of good things" makes you feel better for maybe 30 secs and then I just think... well why am I not happy despite all of that? Just sends you into a spiral...
These are really helpful tools, especially for those of us who tend to dwell on our mistakes in life, thinking "I should have" or "if only" over and over again. Thank you.
I am one of those. 😮💨
Yeah, it's so easy to get caught up in "I should..." or regrets, hope its helpful
I try to replace it with "I'd like to"
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
I can totally relate
I literally almost completely cured my depression overnight by just allowing myself to do and think whatever I felt. I gave myself permission to uproot my life and do whatever the hell I wanted to, and realized that given my circumstances, I didn’t want to. The problem wasn’t the shame, I just didn’t have enough internal motivation to get me to do things. Now my life is full of me being motivated to do everything I want to. I got a great job and turned my life around in 1 month
Things that you said gave me the idea for the type of meditation I did that completely turned everything around for me. I just feel my feelings as they are, and see what they want me to do
that's such a fascinating approach, I love it
I have been really shocked at what happened when I accepted my anger and lashed out. I was surprised how well people took it and how good I felt about myself. Everything in moderation - even tantrums! I wasn’t equanimous, I was stifled, and now I’m better!
@@youtubename7819 That’s great if that approach has let you be less repressed and isn’t causing you to lash out in ways that make you feel guilty or unjustified later. With my meditative approach, I allow myself to feel all the various feelings involved first before I decide how to act, and that way I’m not impulsive with my approach and I’m also not repressing anything, just realizing that I can have various emotions about the same thing
@@jessicam3707 reminds me of the Addams Family song: "Happy/Sad" about full acceptance of mixed emotions about a father's daughter getting married
when you said "when we stop resisting how we feel we give ourselves a chance to resolve how we feel", that's something I keep forgetting. I have a habit of trying to force any bad or strong feelings away, and then I just get into a spiral and come out of it exhausted in the end.
thank you, this is a helpful video!
I call it living in "SMOG." Should, Must, Ought, Got. I'm sure there are other words. I do this too many times. I'd forgotten about this. At this time of year it's all too easy for me to get lost in this type of distortion (any time really).
Thanks for the reminder. And bringing up the history. That was interesting.
"Stop putting so much energy into resisting reality" that really makes me think! I do the "should-ing on myself " thing a lot when trying to correct daily behaviors and trying to improve... I am going to re-think that and take this lesson! Thank you for the great advice Emma!!!
That “strawberries should be cheaper than french fries” really got me and now I’m in a should-loop
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
In high school, I had a teacher who always said, “Don’t should on others” (or yourself). It always stuck with me, and the older I get the more grateful I am that she shared that wisdom with us, and I hope other classmates found the value in it too. Thank you so much for sharing this, so I can share it with my friends as well!
What also hurts is "I should have" leaves no room for improvement whatsoever. It puts the spotlight on something I did or didn't do and because it's already done or not done I have no recourse for betterment.
From someone who has cPTSD, being compassionate and kind to myself is very much a work in progress. I was listening to an audiobook on this topic, and the question was raised, "We can show compassion and kindness to other people and sentient beings, so why are some of us unable to show it to ourselves?" This implies that we think we are unworthy. I am learning, albeit slowly, that I am worthy of self-compassion. Thank you for this video.
That reminds me of the emotional first aid by guy winch. In it he does the though experiment where you mess up at work and call a friend to talk about it because you feel bad, and your friend says "of course you messed up, you're worthless", etc. And of course you're shocked because you would never keep a friend who treats you like that/talk to a friend like that. But we accept that sort of talk from ourselves.
I love how you conflate the word "should" with a less palatable one. It's effective! I was just thinking of New Year's resolutions and the pile of "should" became overwhelming quickly.
Yeah, it's a subtle joke in the CBT/Therapy community...I didn't invent the idea myself, but I like it
On new years resolutions, I've found a real change by making resolutions to treat myself or be kinder to myself rather than to do or somehow "be" better. So instead of resolving to get fit, bhs instead of resolving to run every day I might resolve to be kind to myself when I don't feel like running. It's really closely related to the subject matter of this video now I think about it. Happy holidays and may your resolutions lead to good things for you and those you care for.
Wishing everyone peaceful thoughts and tranquil feelings. Learn to just be still and let life happen. Trust that this will all come together very soon. Meanwhile, know that you are loved and all of us here are pulling for you. Let go and relax right now, knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment in time.
I place too much expectation on myself. I’m learning to accept things aren’t always perfect and that Things happen as they are in the present moment. I don’t need to judge myself or others. I can do things ‘70% well’ rather than 100%. Life isn’t about jumping from one perfect thing to another. It’s about being intentional about the things we care about and doing those to things as well as we in the flow of the present moment
'The only way to stop caring is to give up on our life purpose'
Life changing words ❤❤
Stop SHOULD-ing on yourself.
I see what you did there 😉 Thanks for the vid!
"When we leave piles of 'should' everywhere in our lives"? Emma, can I quote you on that? I'm pretty sure that's the best line I'm going to hear all day.
I love your use of "should" and "should-ing"! This was really meaningful!
Strawberries really should be cheaper than fries though 🤭
Love your hair! 🙌
I wish Strawberries were cheaper than fries! how would that be, the dollar menu on the drive-thru having strawberries on it! But who's going to pick them and truck them fresh to me for free? :) thanks for your comment!
I wish healthy food were cheaper. It's rather unfortunate.
It's worth pointing out that while you gotta shop "in season" and learn about laying food up for future use (canning, freezing, dehydrating, etc...) There ARE farmers' markets where prices can be incredible and negotiable with trades, even just accepting that you may have to go to the field on your own for the stuff they wouldn't bring to market (because it's just not pretty)...
I'd advise working together in groups, saving up the best you can, and either borrowing or renting if you must a large vehicle for each trip if you have to go very far. It's one of my favorite uses of U-Haul... or Ryder's... BUT start early and just take something like a full-size van for the first few trips, to get used to what's available. It's not difficult to catch up and get fairly well known with such places... Make contacts, trade phone numbers and be able to make requests... (like "Call me next month if those paw-paws drop. I'd love to come out and pick up about a bushel.")
The unfortunate reality is that food doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive, but the infrastructure is about 80% of the problem. Marketing is another horrible invention... Break this habit of looking for the prettiest fruits and vegetables when you're produce shopping... Some tomatoes aren't going to be pretty, perfectly red, or round... Romas are small and ovals... but one of the most consistently flavorful even in the stores... AND just because a whole case of tomatoes are lumpy, pinkish, and have streaks of yellow-green, it doesn't mean they're not healthy or delicious...
Kinda the same with anything, even strawberries... AND toward the end of the season, so long as you don't mind soft-spots and funny looking strawberries, it's not difficult to gather and freeze a multitude for later... Might not be perfect, but slushy-strawberries and a splash of brown sugar can brighten a mood in the dead of winter... AND at least you KNOW what's been done to preserve them... ;o)
A few hours before this video was posted I was making some music lyrics and I wrote: how many shoulds are ruling your life, keeping you from finding what you looking for? Always auspicious, thanks for the vids Emma
awesome timing!
Thanks Emma this was an awesome one ! you know one thing came to my mind while i was watching this video, is that “ should / shouldn’t “ i think are mostly used to satisfy others more than we do for ourselves ! 😬 which is a kind of the way we have been raised & programmed.. Anyways thank you again & waiting for your next one 😅🌺🌹🙏🏻
It's so incredibly true! We're raised to seek acceptance, validation and approval that when anything goes wrong or "isn't part of the plan" that our mind tends to find explanations including blaming ourselves. Things like "If only I had done this instead of that" or "I should've listened to so and so"... or my personal "favorite" comparing what/who was to who/what currently is (comparing bad relationships of our pasts to our healthy relationships of the present).
We are our own worst enemy, so we have to find ways to treat ourselves better, otherwise we risk the cycle of "shoulds", "if onlys", or worse "what if".
@@DarkS1ayer100 thanks
well said 👍🏻🙏🏻
"Don't should yourself" sounded like "don't sh** yourself" to me throughout this video, but I knew that couldn't be the case! But in a brilliant, funny, and dark humor type of way if you should yourself all the time you're basically sh**ing on yourself the value you hold, the work you're doing, and digging yourself in a deeper hole.
Thank you for the awesome video and clear instructions on how to move away from sh**ing on myself lol
I think that was the point its a play on words haha
@@TheBanana93 oh 😔. Well maybe my comment helped someone who’s first language isn’t English or something like that 🤷♀️
Lol, I thought the same. Maybe its the way she pronounces it, because reading and hearing produced two different thoughts 😂. Intentional or not, super funny!
Thank you, this is something my therapist catches me out on all the time 'There you go with your "shoulds" again' and although she doesn't word it as such, she helps me with the notice, pause, explore, clarify and act process. I've just discovered your channel and realising how much of the things you talk about are things she says makes me grateful to have a good therapist.
Credits to Emma for being such a good presenter. She explains a sensitive subject in such a refreshing and positive way. Great video!
Oof this is one I've been wrestling with lately. I "should" be able to be on too of everything, but this helps me realize that I am choosing to be gentle with myself instead of pleasing the ever-present judgy narrative constantly running through my head.
yeah, something I'm working on too
I should myself, and when I don't show up accordingly, I guilt myself. I just caught myself and made it a rule to stop. If I should be doing anything...I would be. If I'm not...that's ok. This is my argument with reality. When I'm arguing with reality, I always lose. 🤙
I feel like sometimes it’s not all about forcing that aggressive motivation to awaken so,you can perform to a standard you think you like better. Maybe taking time to see the reality for what it really is and making subtle but still meaningful moves to gradually incorporate necessary change can leave a more lasting impact and lift more weight off of you. I enjoy all of these videos because I actually learn to include what is being my own life. Being fourteen, it’s helped me grow and expand my mind. As a result, my mind is a bit ahead and I can adapt to what comes my way. Much gratitude for this content.
Well reading this I didn't expect it to be written by a 14 year old. You have a brain!
I sent this to my mother, son and daughter. They need it. Thank you!
The past tense is even worse! “Should have,” “could have,” and “would have” are some of the most frustrating phrases for me. I’ll need to listen to this a few times to wrestle out what I think and how this is affecting me, but boy do I appreciate having this called out. I was just thinking how counterproductive it has been in my life to be told I should have done something. It focuses on the abstraction of the badness of something I failed to do, frozen in the past and unfixable. The awful feeling is held up as motivation to make things better in the future, which is also abstract, and it’s all presented as a simple 1-step process - you just CHANGE, and then (the promise goes) you can stop feeling miserable with yourself. There’s nothing motivating about any of this. The incentive offered and the path to get there both feel really, really inadequate. Thank you for pointing out some nicer alternatives!
“Shoulding on ourselves” I love this video so much
My mum has should on herself and the family, for as long as I can remember.
As a child, the need to be unnaturally good/tidy/helpful/quiet/doing activities through should left little mental space for anything else. Although ‘should’ is a red flag for the user, when used so often it feels weaponised.
I only realised this could be an issue a couple of months ago (I am now 33). Talking with my mum: realising that we had been just chatting, she gives me a list of things ‘we’ should be doing. I told her that when she used words like ‘should’, ‘must’ or ‘have to’ discouraging. She looked terribly upset.
Watching this video I now understand how deep this runs. Something so seemingly small can have such a huge and damaging effect.
Thank you, you have given me much to think about.
Thanks for your comment and personal application...yes it can be so hard to separate an honest striving to be better with overly rigid rules that lead to never feeling good enough...we can all just keep working on it a little bit and make small progress over time, it will add up :)
omg thanks for sharing! yes, i realized today i was SHOULD ing on myself and tbh alot of it came from my mom who is always judging me (God helps all of us heal and find peace).
Its hard bc we are so conditioned to SHOULD ourselves but ir;l, we now know we do nOT need to SHOULD ourselves. its good to take the pressure off and allow oursleves to be. whatever happened in reality is what SHOULD have happened, hence that is why it happened. we cannot make up our own idea in our head regarding what SHOULD have happened.
Can you see that when your mother got “terribly upset” it was simply her way of trying to impose her will on you again?
Just as she did with you as a child.
Edit What’s interesting is when she did that, was she able to guilt?…get you to judge yourself?…control you?
@@fatimarizvi1270 Your mother judging you is on her head.
Just as you judging her is on your head.
Can you see that for you to be free from her, all you have to do is stop judging her?
Interesting, I inadvertently should-ed on my children while raising them. I just sent a message to my teen about where she should be Christmas day. Oops, wrong approach, again. Darn
This is awesome! I’ve always wondered why I’ve felt *more* paralyzed when I’ve thought that I should be doing something. I bet my son feels that way when I tell him he should be doing something.
I'm glad to see that a resource like this channel exists on UA-cam! Not everybody has access to support and there are often barriers to receiving therapy. I started a channel focused on fitness and wellbeing. One reason for the channel: I was speaking with a 600lb woman who was depressed/anxious and she was given advice from a doctor on how to lose weight (i.e. eating fewer calories and exercising 30 minutes a day) but she didn't understand the steps involved.
Another reason is, I've met STEM graduate students who suffer from depression and anxiety and are far removed from psychology and how to even go about feeling better. My undergrad is in psychology and my PhD is in math. It's not emphasized enough how fundamental mental health is to achieving any (fitness) goal. Too many channels focus solely on physical appearance rather than functional health.
My channel is new, but I'd love to feature yours and direct my audience to your videos.
I’ve just come across your channel today and I’m glad I did!
Exactly what I needed in this moment, as I sit here beating myself up for feeling like I need a break today when I "should" be preparing our homeschool lessons for the day and making a nutritious breakfast and vacuuming the house and folding the laundry. I'm weaning off my antidepressant and just feel down today with the dreary, cold weather and marriage struggles that I can't immediately fix. And that's ok. I'm going to stop fighting these feelings and instead give myself the kindness and grace I would extend to a friend.
I came across this video and I almost didn't watch it. I am so glad I did. The information is very helpful and the steps for change are straightforward. I will write them down and use them. Thank you. I appreciate the honest self acknowledgement as well. No matter who we are, but especially women, we are a work in progress.
Oh and I hit the subscribe button. I look forward to your other helpful videos too. You are a beautiful soul.
This wonderful Lady is a boon to so many troubled souls ❤. A very happy holidays to you and your family Dr. Mcadam.
This came at such a good time. I started the year getting sick because my body couldn't handle anymore all the pressure I was putting into myself. I didn't know anything about shoulding before, but now I can see that I was definitely doing it and it contributed to me feeling terrible.
I will replay this video (maybe many times) so that the information highlighted gets better highlighted in my thought processes. Doing something once does not make something habitual in thought for me... especially when one such as I is trying to overturn an unhealthy-for-me habit.
Yeah, it takes consistent effort to re-wire the brain, but you can do it!
@@TherapyinaNutshell Listened again. This time it brought up memories of my early Catholic indoctrinations via my parents and the Church. "I should" was so very important... to making me feel bad about everything I did or did not do. I have cleared(?) many from my ongoing mindset, but there are still remnants of those... conditionings. My parents are long gone so I can effectively blame them any longer (for they were not really to blame save for not thinking about and evaluating what they passed on to me). So it is all, as in totally, up to me, even if I were to use the professionalism of a therapist.
That being that, for whatever reason I had, I chose before I decided to compose and share this comment, to list once again to listen to "How to release emotions trapped in your body". It is like with nutrition, it not just one thing is this human creature, it is many things all linked together. So, it is that nutrients of one sort need other nutrients and those do things together with other things to do things good-ish, so to it is with the mind and my way of thinking(?...l or lack of thinking?).
Look, I am above 65 and "should be not working a job but be on Social Security"... hahaha... enter the "should be". But I am and I want to be and I am okay with it... but, I hear that indoctrination... those whispers.
I am single and unattached but for some reason chose to move out of an apartment into a house. I have found inspiration in some UA-camrs for me to do things I want to do that I can only do for having a residence that is not an apartment. As with starting a certain type of business, is it all about location, location, location???
I really resonate with the message of this video. The "shoulds" in my life are things I've been trying to clean up for many years. Just finding the correct "should" cleaning tools now in my late 30s, and this video helped a lot. Thanks!
Easy to say hard to do! I'm 30 year's old. I live in Greece.Suffering from depression (i think) for several years. I don't have money to go to a therapist. Didn't know what to do with my life.Still living with my parents,and I'm trying to find my own place but i can't afford anything alone. Never i was interesting on something particular except playing soccer. I believe I've wasted most of my years of thinking what I'm good to and trying to get a girl to like me. Never had a relationship with a girl. I have only hook ups for 2-3 months and then I'm acting needy (that's what they say.) and then they dump me. I hate my life. I hate being alone. If i didn't had my parents I don't know if i would be alive. I'm not saying those things for anyone to feel sorry for me cause i know there are people in worst situations. I'm just searching for a way out or a miracle. Always I'm thinking what if i did that or this. I hate seeing the look of my parents thinking that I'm a looser cause most of my cousin's or friends are in a better position than me. I don't know what to expect anymore from life. I expect the worst all the time.
This is my life! Everything. And i have fibromyalgia on top so i cant even keep a job . Hopefully things work out .
You are an awesome coach for me. Thank you so much. Love and light to you!
Your videos are so clear and to the point. Just makes my mind lighter.
Happy to hear that!
I think a lot of mine stems from procrastination and envy. Putting things into action and just being happy right now are two of my big solutions. Also being better at investing my money will help too.
What a great way to thinking about this. Thank you for helping me understand how I’m ‘shoulding’ all over the place. I’m going to get a scoop and start to clean up this mess.
I used to do this. I would think that I've should've done more that day. But the fact is, I didn't, it's now 10pm and the day is over, no use worrying about. I think of the 2 things I DID get done and realize those are 2 less things I don't have to do tomorrow.
Thank u for this..the should've was absolutely killing me inside n didn't know what was wrong..I changed my statements to I can give myself acceptance n love n this will help take care of me..I pray n kept hearing take care if urself..I became dry n well this changed my perspective on my approach..something counselor hasn't told me b4.
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
Prayer only comes true if it’s God’s will: ua-cam.com/video/JbUGGlnrNnw/v-deo.html
Ways in which God wants us to pray: ua-cam.com/video/TUttvKT7hPY/v-deo.html
I needed this video today. So glad I saw this video!! Thanks so much. As someone who's currently unable to get help via therapy, these videos have helped me tremendously.
Watching these from Ireland. Love the videos your helping a lot of people who cannot access therapy. Keep up the god work. God Bless.
Saying "I could.." instead of "I should.." really empowers you! My main language is spanish so I naturally translated this, and our word for "Could" ("Poder") literally means Power. In spanish "I can do something" literally means "I have the power to do something" 💪😃. On the other hand, the word "Should" in spanish ("Deber") means "to owe something". Owe something to who? Lol
This is such a great video! I watched it, saved it with 5 stars, my highest allowed rating, and then missplaced it somewhere. Thank God and THANK YOU for putting your past videos in such accessible form. This video is humorous and so, so, so helpful. Thank you kindly again for this and all your generous video postings. God bless you!
Wishing you a blessed Christmas and sending thanks for all the wonderful videos you have done for us this year
"shoulding" on ourselves. I love this!
I have to say that even just hearing you saying the word should so many time (to give us examples) made me feel extremely anxious. Thanks for the video
Thank you, I think I really needed this. Lately I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and possibly depression but my therapist said we need to have more sessions first because there's a lot to unwrap I guess; much of my anxiety has been caused by my hectic lifestyle along with my nature as a person, full-time job as well as full-time college classes have completely crushed my nerves. Been contemplating leaving my job for so long but could never because it definitely pays a lot to an undergrad besides I "should" be grateful at all to have a job, I "should" not run away from my stressors and fight them, I "should" fix my anxiety and not resign...and a lot of "should"s that would otherwise make me feel like a failure which is my biggest fear, and then I felt too anxious to the point of having a tight chest during sleep. Finally, even though there's a lot to work on, your advice along with my therapist is great, I should really tackle how I feel without judgement to myself, and I should take the steps to improve my mental health, nobody wants to have a mental breakdown. Therefore, I guess I'll quit my job for now (nothing can beat my worst fear), focus on my finals, use some of the money I saved, and find an internship/job later in my field of study - it will pay a lot less, but at least I wouldn't feel the profound dread I get everytime I start working right now.
"I should have done better." Rather than saying this self defeating statement, try to turn regret into a lesson. Try "How can I learn from this?".
You are the best! Everyone should watch you 😁
OMG THANK YOU. I'm a self labelled Perfectionist, whatever I do, I have the be the best and anything else is a shame. I then ignore this shame from defeats, by pretending that I don't care. In these areas such as uni, family, and religion. I always aspire to be perfect, but I hadn't put 2 and 2 together. I'm a perfectionist in all area of my life, included in how I see the world and how it should be etc. Thank you for your advice on shouldn't and couldn'ts, it will honestly help me so much in fighting back against those impossibly high expectations, while also unlocking the best version of me. Subscribed 💙
Thank you. It helps me a lot. I often think that I should do my job better, I should have a better career, I should make more money...
Those should make me feel bad about myself, and I can't escape from feeling disappoited in myself.
I will practice letting those should away. from yesterday, something not good happen and I felt bad, but now, watching your videos, I know where I can start.
thank you for your hard work. I watch your videos whenever I feel down so I can have the motivation to act on my problems.
This lady has been the first person i found that can teach me how to apply these “formulas” or practices, whatever you want to call them :)
And i appreciate you for helping me to not feel this way, i am not going to say i appreciate you for being caring because it is just a job and at the end of the day you don’t care about the patient unless you feel a bond with them (not relationship) just a human interaction i guess but thank you.
From shoulds to coulds. So simple. So freeing!
I get soooo much from your videos. I’m bipolar and though I’m medicated and most of the time I’m ok, I can have terrible crashes. Your videos have helped me so so much in many areas and have been responsible for me having a lot less serious crashes. Thank you 🙏
I've been shoulding all over myself and my anxiety has been horrific, I'll could all over myself from now on xxx thank you
There are some shoulds that I don’t want to give up but are in fact causing me pain.
I think people should be respectful, kind, and loving as much as possible. I get upset when they aren’t.
By reframing this as “I WANT to be respectful, kind, and loving as much as possible and socialize with those people who agree with me more” makes me feel a lot better and reduces the tyranny of the should.
I like this a lot. Thank you!
I usually don't comment on UA-cam videos. But Thank You so much for this video!!! I have been feeling so overwhelmed for the last couple of weeks and no matter how much break I was taking I was constantly feeling burnt out. Now I have understood that, I was constantly should-ing myself!!!!!
Whenever I would sleep a little bit more than usual I would tell myself that I should've waken up earlier and studied hard. I never thought this alarm system of my brain which I created to keep myself motivated was the very thing that was demotivating me.
Thank You so much....
I found saying "I have to do this or that" all the time was making me feel burdened.
I started saying "I want to do this" and I felt I was declaring a choice I've made rather than a "I have to". It helped. 😊
I substitute the word “need” a lot. But I really mean should. Great tips!
I LOVE you!!! Thank you for all of your helpful advice and tools. THIS was spot on in my journey right now. I am so grateful. May GOD bless you and your great work. I hope you have a very Merry and blessed Christmas with your family and truly with my whole heart, I Thank you my sister. In CHRIST, Dorothy
A simple way to take ownership is to say "I want to" instead. Instead of "I should study more", say "I want to study more".
Thank you so much for this. I finally know why I’m so anxious 😖
Thank you so very much for this video🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I hope it reaches as many people as possible🙏🏻🙏🏻
This video just came in the right moment for me. One of my resolution for 2022 is never doing "should-ing" since i truly understand my circumstances. That "should-ing" actually was really drained out my energy and my happiness. I just simply accepting what was happened and try my best to take care myself.
what I learned from Dr. Burn's Feeling Good Handbook is instead of saying "I should do X" replace it with "it would be nice if I did X" and don't forget the but: "It would be nice if I would do X...but maybe later" for example...it takes a lot of the stress out! It gives you a second to think of other things you might wish to do instead.
Thank you for these supportive lessons , i wish you know how it impacts positively toward us
Thank you Emma. Its been a rough year for me. God bless you and your family.
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
1. This is all so true
2. That hair looks amazing on you!
i feel like god send your videos my way to help me every video of your makes me feels that this is what i need to hear, Thank you so much, i love you and i hope you have an amazing and peaceful life you and your family, never give up people even if it seems that everything is ending, trust god and yourself and all will be okay everything happens for a reason we cant know about yet.
Section #3 is often the types of "shoulds" I have... "a successful person should... and by not doing it, I'm unsuccessful" or "a hardworking person should... and by not doing it, I'm not working hard enough". It's amazing how many of these lessons we were taught at some point in our lives by people who meant well, but they often don't realize these are traps. As adults, we really do have to unlearn so much of what we were taught as children, especially that loop of self-guilt used as a motivator
I like how used "should" like how "shit" is used. This makes the lesson easier to remember.
This video was the perfect thing to watch today as a busy mom of 7 on Christmas Eve! 🎄
Ahhhhhh, I just left a comment on your January 3rd video, saying how overwhelmed I feel today, and ended by saying, but I should better tomorrow.
you hit it right on the head. thanks
So very helpful thank you! I’m just beginning this process of learning it’s okay to accept my emotions, accept how I’m feeling, being kind to myself and taking small steps towards a positive action
Thank you for the reminder. When i first started therapy in 2012, this was one the lessons I learned. However, as life got in the way, I forgot and dipped back into depression. It's something I am so used to thinking that I don't even recognize it. Mental Health and well being is a journey. Somedays and even some years are worse then others, but keep going! :) I'll remind myself again the importance of not thinking in "should" and "should not," or even all or nothing type of thinking.
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
Some were raised with this as a never ending refrain from parents, etc. There is constant and continuous pressure to do more, have more and be more! Then it carry’s over into adulthood and becomes self-pressure.
Sometimes you don't want to feel this way, but you do feel this way. That hit me with the concept of acceptance.
I so needed to see this 😍 I appreciate it so much 💗 thanks you!!
I'm going to get "There is no should" tattooed on me in 2022. I've been wanting to get it tattooed for many years. Love to see others in the mental health community feel the same way I do about this word!
🙏🙏
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
This is super valuable. Thank you so much, I love your communication style, it's very grounded and pleasant to listen to.
We are constantly torn between "what if" and "should have".
Proof God exists: ua-cam.com/video/QaY5Vv-bvl4/v-deo.html
Thank you so much. Your explanations are so clear to me. You really do make a difference. May God bless you.
"I shouldn't feel this way" is my favorite one
I am going to watch this video a few times to work my way through these new ideas. I am somewhat trapped in ‘should’ land which is exasperated by those around me ‘shoulding’. My husband has never been a ‘shouldER’ and always tells me the grass really is greener on the other side. I’m ready to go all in. Thank you
This is exactly what I suffer from. It is tanking my existence. I'll try to take this on. Replace shoulds with multiple coulds and choose wills from those. I have a lot of shoulds and many lament the past, they are should haves and the time is gone. I am persuaded that every single parent in human history has regrets, and God has absolutely been available to forgive and heal as I felt the pain of human failure. That has been very important progress. God is faithful and we are not. But this season of life is curiously difficult. So much so I have become concerned. Oh, great. I started journaling HERE. 😄 I appreciate the video.
This is the very first video where I've seen that you TRULY have the Strength of your Beliefs. I've watched for quite some time but this one you've boosted your whole being up 3 notches 💥 way to go and a very happy Christmas 🙏
Lol. It's a load of "should". Sorry I couldn't resist. Very true though having piles of "should" in your life does contribute to anxiety attacks. Thank you.
"Depressed"
Society: you should be happy and smile!
extremely relevant to my struggles rn. thank you :)