its insane how messages come exactly when we need them. I made the decision 3 days ago to stay away from social media because I was comparing myself too much, I was there all day. Instead, I realize, I started using that time to work on been better, to try to find the good things in myself. And using my time to do good and connect in a organic way
So True, I had a thing with this also now we will laugh belly laugh in the NOW, keep Glowing on your new Your of life.sending good vibes from San Jose CA
Another thing that comparison can do is make you feel like a nasty person. If you are constantly battling people out in your own head and tearing people down, its draining and doesn't feel right.
I think it really depends on the situation tbh, whether it's in concern to trending topics, video games, politics, sports, and whatever else. This is where finding a personal hobby comes into play: such as singing, drawing, or maybe even a board game. Gardening and dancing are examples of popular hobbies (but not really my personal hobbies) that can provide a sense of well-being and accomplishment. They are also sentimental in building skills for careers and other forms of belonging. As dumb as it might sound, I have always found rollerskating (especially disco style) to be super fun even though my experience is limited with it.
@@EmbraceTheStruggle24 oh absolutely, context is key. Comparison can be healthy if let's you drive yourself in the right direction or if it's healthy comparison. My mind has a habit of not so healthy comparison. Like this person makes better money than me, is better looking etc. not really something that is good and actionable for me to fix lol.
There are a few I tune into but Emma reaches me the most. She'll cut her eyes to one side when expressing a thought or as mentioned the pause in her sessions. She's a master of driving the point home.
8:55 "Your worth is inherent. Your are always worthwhile and valuable. And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values" ❤ Thank you.
I need this, i'm in my unemployed era after college, its very overwhelming seeing people have their life together, its so bad i dont even looking for a job, everytime this topic come up i feel crippled with anxiety and cant function... For this past few days, ur content has helped me a lot, thank u so much for what u do 🙏❤❤
Something will come along! I recently got out of this era but being rejected time after time was insanely depressing. Watching my classmates land jobs only made it worse. Ultimately, you cannot compare their experiences to yours. I got rejected from many jobs I thought were going to be the One™️, and now im working at a dream job somewhere I never expected I could be. Believe in yourself , be patient with yourself, and if you have to work a dumb job until then so be it.
@@EmbraceTheStruggle24meh, most people who look like they have their life together most often do not. It's just a show they put on for the outside world.
I am in the same point in my life and I also realize how the pressure to start is there but I need to rest after hard academic and experiencing academic burnout it’s important to listen to our voice and listen to what we need whatever it may be rest or more balance or more care for ourselves as humans and not as workers of society ❤
My mom told me as a child "There is always going to be someone smarter than you, better looking, or just not like you. Get over it." BAM. Ended that rabbit hole thinking age 11. She was very loving, but direct. Helped me to survive 21 moves, and be content in a crazy medical profession for 45 years. 💖
@@priojongIt depends how you take it. No one is the best in everything. It's good if people undertand that early on. But we can be the best version of ourselves. 😊
It's super difficult not to do that. I'm 35 single, median income, no car (no big need, thank mother earth) , student loan and I rent an apartment alone. Everyone around me is together, good incomes, bought a house, vacations every year, cars, you name it. Even most of my colleagues are way better of compared to me. It's not a problem that they have more, it's that I don't have much at all. I can't go on the trips I want to go. I almost never go out for dinner because I can't afford it. I often don't buy the clothes I truly like, since they are not cheap. (Not expensive, but also not cheap.) It sucks massively if you're in this position and you know that unless you meet a nice partner, you're not going to get much further financially in life and it holds you back doing many of the things you would love to do. And then the people around you they can all do these things. Depressing AF.
You're not wrong about it being super difficult. But can you honestly say that you wouldn't still compare yourself unfavourably to others if you could afford the trips and the clothes, but not, say, the car? And if you could afford the car, how long before you compare your Fiat to the other guy's Porsche? You'll always find lots of people better at something/wealthier etc. if that's what you see as important. And it'll kill your self-esteem. If you appreciate what's good/valuable about you, or good about others, in your/their own right, NOT relative to each other, then you will see yourself very differently. That's my takeaway from what Emma was saying: you compare, you compete. And you will make sure that you lose. Changing this can take time: if you've done the comparison thing for years then that's a lot of conditioning and you will do it on auto-pilot. But, it can be done!
@tona I think the problem for me is that by not having a car it's harder to go to people and to nature. Social connection and nature are good for us and do improve quality of life. Being able to go on a vacation once every two years just to see a different place and get out of our day to day life is acually good for us. I am missing out on good quality of life stuff by not having these options. Also, now renting is okay. The problem is the future. Rent goes up and up and up. More than my salary. How do I even pay rent in the future at some point? I don't mind not owning a house right now, I worry about how I live in the future when rent and utilities keep getting so much more expensive. Which I think is a valid concern. I've had a period where I was in a relationship and we drove a car. It was a simple second hand car and I never felt I needed a better one. The same with my apartment. I think it's fine. I just worry about the increasing rent. I also don't need designer clothing, I couldn't care less about that. I just wish I wasn't buying 60% of my clothes in second hand stores, only because otherwise I wouldn't have clothing to wear to my office job, because I can't afford office attire that's new. I wish there was more concreet information about HOW TO DEAL WITH A LIFE THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT. I can know what I want, but when it's not there, then it's not there. I can go look at my values and what I want and what I care about, but the truth is that right now I don't have these things. I tried getting more of it and it constantly fails or I run against another brick wall. I tried getting more social contacts and I got nothing. (I really did my best) I tried all kinds of different hobbies and didn't like them. I tried going to nature more often, but I get stuck because I can't get to nature without a car apparently. I switched jobs twice to find something I enjoy more and I didn't find something that doesn't make me feel blegh. I am trying to be more fit/mobile so I feel better connected with my body and I injured myself pretty fast after starting and then again not long after recovery. I'm at the point that I'm super frustrated about people telling me I need to know what I want and who I want to be and go for it, when I've tried so many things these past 2 years and I didn't really get anywhere. It's like all the ideas that I've got, the investments of time, effort and me going outside of my comfort zone was all for absolutely nothing.
@@elisenieuwe4649I’m just a 22 year old random stoner kid on the internet, so what I say may not even count, but thank you so much for sharing this!! I’ve been struggling a lot with internal and external pressures, thinking that by 23 or 25 I had to get my life together and be perfect. Seeing you share your struggles at 35 opened my eyes a bit, I thought everyone over 30 was just perfect and had their lives figured out. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well, and I don’t have the experience to say i would understand where you’re at right now, but starting to enjoy small simple things helps me out a lot. Venting and talking about it for some reason works too. I really hope life works out for you, you seem like an actual real honest human being, which is not that common. Take care:)
Financial anxiety is real and difficult. Knowing your rent increases faster than your income is scary and it makes sense to me that you wish for better financial security. As far as your general dissatisfaction with your life, I have found the UA-camr struthless to be helpful. He has various videos about incremental steps toward a more meaningful life and one about what people can do who don't know what their passion is. Don't know if that will help you, but I am sending good thoughts your way.
Every once in a while I convince myself to forget what everyone else thinks of me. That's such a great feeling. Wouldn't it be great if I could always feel that way? I find it more enjoyable to be good at something, rather than trying to be better than everyone else - a game you will always lose.
As a depressed person with low confidence i just can say that you inspired me and i appreciate you for sharing this video unfortunately sometimes i confined myself in bed because of my insecurities and thats very pain ful . Thank you ❤
This video brings me so much joy. Comparing myself to others has been a chronic problem for me, and oftentimes hard to find a way out. Glad I came across this so I can gain more insight of myself. Much gratitude to your presence and what you do!
It been very much the same way for me for many years 🤦♂️ but sometimes it just takes a little practice and perseverance to discover the 'real good' within yourself and to be cognizant of the constant manipulation that goes around.
As a clinician thank you. You compare yourself to yourself. I am a disabled psychologist. When i do self talk i refuse to give a number to my leg pain. I just say " the legs are a bit troublesome today" the brain doesn't recocognize not. Its like saying not chocaolate cake. The brain hears chocolate cake.
As a dyslexic introverted person with adhd i constantly compare myself with others at work. I mess up all the time and i dont like it. Things come so easy to everyone.
I'm in my mid 40's now and still live with my parents and feel frozen in time while I've been seeing how everyone else has changed over the years. I need to stop comparing myself to others and focus more on me and hopefully my life will turn around. Heck maybe the reason I hate my job is because I see people complain about the same company all the time on reddit. Of course it has got me worried about my physical health and financial future. The problem at work I have is there are certain people who always complain and I need to learn to ignore them and just do my stuff till time to go and not worry about it when I'm not on the clock. That has also been an issue I've had for years.
"We only know these cardboard cutouts of people" That's exactly why I finally deactivated my Facebook. Everybody on there only ever seem to be the "perfect" version of themselves. So much so that it got to the point of just.... Everything just felt so fake to me, being on there. Nobody feels real anymore.
The part about outsourcing your identity and how that places your worth in a relative place to others - that was so insightful to me. My concept of self worth really has been impacted at time by comparing myself to others and it feels so shameful but i really appreciate you doing this video.
Yes this is such a problem for me! But what about the flipside when we compare ourselves presently with who we were and that distresses us? Like the age old "glory days" when you feel like you were only great once in your life.
You were always you and you will always be you, unless you think you were a different person before because you had more talent, money, beauty or whatever.
This was sooooo helpful for me! I realized that over the years I have developed this complex within myself that told me I was better than everyone else. I didn't even notice it, and it didn't really feel like it either. I just noticed myself spending much more time alone and then feeling disconnected from others. I realize it comes from deep insecurities about myself and who I truly am. I have a lot of shame around who I am, and that is something I am working through, but I noticed that I have been projecting that onto others. This has made it difficult and almost impossible for me to just see the human in people and love them. All I've been basing my worth on is how I dress, how skilled I am at my hobbies, and my likes and dislikes and if those are adequate. I have been comparing myself and tearing myself down while also comparing myself to others and tearing them down in my mind to make myself feel better. It is a toxic loop, and it has made me feel so much anxiety because I worry that I won't be able to connect with anyone new ever again. Luckily, I can still connect with others that I know. I just started comparing people, and I am not sure how to stop, but I know that I can by using these methods you listed. Thank you so much for this video! It is helping so many
Thank you for this. I have been struggling with comparative anxiety, in my work, at the gym, it’s been consuming and this has been such a breath of fresh air into my life for aiding these areas- to reflect and free myself from this prison I’ve kinda created in comparing. Thank you
Gosh, I learned more in these 16 minutes than I have in two weeks of therapy. Thank you so much for this and all the videos you post, for the time you dedicate to helping others reach their goals and learning to love themselves.
You are great ive gone thru therapy for a couple years but your videos give resource when needed after thinking your alright. You provide great advice when things get dark.
I am reminded of an old saying" I pitied myself because I had no shoes; then I met the man who had no feet" There will always be people who seem to have more buy we can be grateful for what we do have! I pray daily to the Lord but i always am grateful for what i do have. Some days its hard to find bit its always there if we look. Thank you Emma for your gift of compassion and love for humanity...We all need help from each other!✝️🕊️💟
Comparing to others drives me insane，thank you for pointing out what are healthy thoughts ❤I hope i can feel better after trying to stop comparing myself to others in a sick way
9:07-10:02 was especially helpful for me. You're right. My comparison to others is sometimes based in them achieving what I want to achieve, but not always. Me having a better job than someone or a less paying than another, I should really be proud of myself for working hard enough to get to where I wanted to be in my career. I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you!
I suffer from anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. I just entered collage and everyday i come home very anxious. After thinking about it I realized that its because I compared myself to everyone there, which is why I watched this video. I see everyone walking around fine while im struggling just getting to class because of my agoraphobia. My depression is making me less exited about starting collage, so when I see everyone else all excited it I feel out of place and even more depressed. Watching this video helped a lot and from today on ill try to stop the comparisions and instead work on becoming someone I want to be (more specifically happier and no agoraphobia). Ill try and instead be happy that I acually went to all my classes despite having agoraphobia! Thank you, this video made my day ❤
I'm using so many of your videos for my "Leadership Camp" I'm doing for my family. Your videos are one of those things of good report and praiseworthy that everyone needs to seek after.😊
Thank you so much for your advice , you always give me another perspective for considering the problem.It's difficult to focus in yourself when there are many people telling you what to do.
Just can't stop thanking you for this video🤧🤧..... just the thing I needed to uplift my mood since morning..... many thanks to you Ma'am for your beautiful gift of this knowledge to the world and much love from India❤❤
Wow! This woman's way of teaching us to be level headed is off the chain.. so true. The bible actually teaches alot of these qualities, but that's a different subject. Awesome info here. 😁😁
God bless you for showing up at the right time of my life, I have accumulated so much baggage throughout so many years that I felt at the edge of a cliff. Finally my over distressed brain gets some rest.
Thank you so much! I appreciate you and the work you do! It helps me to become free to be who I really want to be and hopefully experience true connections as well! Much gentle love from way over here in Latvia!
I’m so grateful I found your videos, it helps me with my intrusive thoughts and negativity, I’m on the journey, and I want to thank you for these free life advice
loved the bit about values. came back to this video and never really took it to heart before. as someone always comparing myself and being frustrated about whether i'm doing the right thing, i can tackle both with realizing my values. making the next steps a lot clearer.
I often compared myself to other after I suffered MD and anxiety. Seen people are happy and healthy but not me. Then when I got out of depression, then the comparison was gone automatically & spontaneously.
Hi Emma. Loved this video . I have seen comparison is driving me crazy. It has helped me to get a better understanding of comparison and helped me to gradually get rid of it . Thanks a lot
I am trans and have been in the closet for 8 years. Seeing my little brother grow up, I didn't realize until recently how much I compare myself to him in a hypothetical way, and it was leading to resentment almost. I am just jealous that he has a life by default that I have to decide how I can even move toward. Nobody wants to be trans, and I think realizing that is my first step toward acceptance. It just sucks, the world will always have stuff to say about me before knowing anything about me, but if I let those fears control me, then those people are essentially winning. If I let my fear of the world responding to me control me, then I will NEVER be happy. Through the history of everything, trans people have existed despite what the world says, and if I want to live a true life, I have to accept myself, i don't know that anyone else will. You are enough. The world needs YOU, not the fake character you feel pressured to be. Delete tik tok, delete instagram, just be YOU. I recently switched from social media to having a google site to share my life. That's all I wanted from instagram anyway was to just see my online expression of myself in one place. Just be you, don't let what you think others are doing pressure you.
Your videos are so helpful! Thank you so much 💗 1:38 When we compare ourselves to others it will always let us down in the long run 1:50 *1) Comparison is a brain shortcut, but it's also a blind spot.* *2) You're outsourcing your identity. Making yourself helpless* *3)Comparison leads to isolation and drama* 1:50 🌱 *Comparison isn't based on reality* 1:54 *Selective focus blind spot* We higlight, maybe, what we don't like about ourselves and then we only notice people who are better. 5:30 We are more isolated than ever, we know fewer people than ever in a real, deep way, so we compare ourselves to people without really knowing their full nuance selves. 6:12 🌼 *Catch yourself comparing yourself* 7:39 7:51 🌱 *Comparison will always let you down because you're outsourcing your identity* = *Basing your worth on comparison is fuelling the underlying belief that you worth is dependent on being better than someone else* and that determining whether you're a god person depends on how many people are above you or below you in hierarchy. This will always let you down, because someone will always be better than you in other areas. 8:31 "...The problem with comparison is that you're outsourcing your identity" you're allowing others, and things outside of you to determine your worth." -K. Walters 8:46 🌼 *How to stop?* 💛 *1)Realize your worth is not dependent on being better than other people.* 🌟🌸🌟 *Your worth is inherent. You're always worthwile and valuable. And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values. How much integrity do you have to what's important to you* *If you want to build a solid secure sense of self,* to do this you've got to constantly shift your attention away from comparison to integrity. 9:38 🌸 *What do I want?* Eg. I want to be healthy. Do I act in integrity with this? - I walk everyday... How can I eat better? 🌸 *We base our motivation on what we're running toward, not running away from.* 🍒 Who do I want to be? 🍒 How can I move towards that a little bit more today? 💛 *Your good is inherent,* You're always worthy of love, your goodness is based on your values, not on comparison. 10:17 🌸 *When you catch yourself comparing, ask yourself:* 10:34 🍒 *What does this say about what I really value?* 🌸Do I value getting a lot of people to like me? Or do I value being confident internally? Do I value looking perfect all the time? Or getting physically healthy? Do I value putting other people down? Or building us all up? 🌸 Shift your attention away from competition as your goal and focus on what you really care about. 🌸Create visual reminders of your values, goals and your accomplishments 🌸 Instead of comparing yourself to others, channel your energy into personal growth, creativity, and pursuits that bring you joy and fulfillment. Focus your energy on who you want to be. 11:15 E.g. 11:46 💛 *3) Comparison leads to isolation and constant drama* 🌱 *Comparison is based on scarcity mindset.* It's based on the idea that there's not enough to go around, so you put yourself in competition with everyone else to survive. 12:21 *Even in competitive sports, comparison is going to backfire* 12:55 focus on values instead E.g. I'm going to be a good team player, I'm going to learn how to make good decisions on the field, I'm going to devote my energy to self- improvement and winning with my team. 13:10🌱 *Competing with others will only take you so far. To be truly great you need the lasting motivation of your internal values paired with connection to other people.* 13:26 Who benefits from comparison? Sellers, materialism 13:36 *Life is about collaboration,* lifting someone else does not cost you anything. Be happy with them, mourn with them. When someone else is successful, get excited for them and learn from them. There's enough excitement for everyone. Love is a renewable resource. The more you give, the more you have. When you're kind to someone else, you don't run out of kindness, it grows inside of you. 13:36 🌱 shift from scarcity mentality to abundance Count your blessings 13:36 Summary 15:44 🌸🌟🌸 *When we stop comparing to the public side of people, you start to see people in a more real way.* You'll see their giftss and their flaws, but you're not using them anymore. *When we compare, we're using their personhood for the selfish purpose of determining your own goodness.* So instead of competing with them you can actually connect with them. 🌸🌱 *As you start to really see people, you start to see yourself clearly as well, and suddenly you can actually love yourself too.*
I feel Like this video was Curated just for me, have noticed this trend in myself for a while and searching for a solution till i found not only a solution, but genuine understanding of myself hear. Thank you so much
I'm going to hug my group counselor if she permits again. This was just what I needed at hard time in my life. Even more thank you Dr Hays for making these. You have gotten through to me when rehabs, like the mainly overly acclaimed Betty Ford couldn't help, therapy since I was young on up... do you follow sorry bad grammar just so stoked to have these chapters in my life. I'm not sure why but you found a way to communicate to my brain thank you thank you thank you.
Comparison is common in my family. My mum and aunts would compare their kids and talk about who is the best looking, most successful, made the most money. I was extremely unremarkable so I grew up feeling like crap all the time. Even in my adulthood I constantly felt like I didn't measure up. I have learned to focus on being my best self instead of trying to be someone else. I am much much happier now.
Is there a way I could play a video non stop in my brain? I feel like I need to play this non stop in my brain. Thank you for making this. I knew comparing myself to others was an unhelpful thinking pattern but when it came to challenging these thoughts I’d come up stumped. It was so frustrating. I’m so grateful for this video and that you’ve made this info readily available. Your videos have helped me to be a better person and I think will, ultimately, make the world a better place to live in for a lot of people. ❤
I love your message and agree that comparison is the killer of joy. But as you are giving out your message I can’t help but think how much I really love the sweater you are wearing. Does that mean I have the attention span of a fly? Working on my focus!!
This was such a great video. I will once again reference this for others in one of my upcoming videos on my channel. Thank you for this. Love your practical and real approach!
this was a huge shift for me. Thank you for all the hard work. This is so wonderful. Amazing! I am so grateful to you for sharing your knowledge. Sending you lots of love.
Thanks Emma!! I would love to hear you talk about 'community' and its effect on anxiety and how that positively impacts someone. Church, work, club, sports.
I am around halfway through the video but have this constant thought in my mind. IT is SO IMPORTANT to not compare yourselves to others and take myself as an example. My friends and people around me usually wonder how im so "skinny" and can eat so much and i just laugh it off. Usually they are also jealous of that. But they don't know (literally not. a. single. soul. knows.) that I struggled with an eating disorder for a few months. I would start dieting and counting calories, then i would try extreme diets and restrict foods, then I would starve myself and CONSTANTLY think about food and it was all some crazy spiral. All of that while not a single soul knew and I just remained happy and normal. Until I got into recovery and understood my body and trusted it and now im eating everything i want and I know i won't gain weight, im only a month (almost 2) in recovery so i have some ups and downs like sometimes ill eat a lotttttttt and people will wonder but they dont know that i somtimes feel really guitly or bad about it or Im telling myself i will starve later etc but itsgotten much better anyway haha. I went through a lot for this and sometimes when I catch myself getting envious or comparing, i try to remember my own story. Who knows I even went through this? And I'm telling you, if I told anyone about this or they heard, they wouldn't believe it. It's simply crazy and you really only see the outside of people when you compare. I used to beenvious of this girl because she was so pretty and has friends shes so perfect why am i not like her etc etc but I realised she didn't even think she was pretty and had mental problems and also a disordered eating habit. I sometimes still struggle getting the thoughts through my brain but I am so grateful and proud of myself for noticing my emotions and regulating myself better now instead of ignoring and letting it get to me. I know i wrote random things in this comment but if you see this i hope it helps you in some way! :)
Not really, the finish line is being happy, having money, family, status, etc. If you want to be a great musician then you compare yourself with other musicians, you envy those who are better than you
I literally used to be super chill like your family member, but as I'm growing older and want to be a more responsible person I constantly compare myself to people like you, awe at how you guys get all the work done, guess we're all stuck in a loop
Thank you for this video! I compare my self to others a lot especially in relation to my trauma. I feel like everyone else have had happy non traumatic lives but this is of course not true.
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its insane how messages come exactly when we need them. I made the decision 3 days ago to stay away from social media because I was comparing myself too much, I was there all day. Instead, I realize, I started using that time to work on been better, to try to find the good things in myself. And using my time to do good and connect in a organic way
So True, I had a thing with this also now we will laugh belly laugh in the NOW, keep Glowing on your new Your of life.sending good vibes from San Jose CA
Same here
Best thing I did was get rid of fb a couple years ago. Waist of time.
Same!!
Social media is poison when it comes to anxiety/depression. It’s better to read or exercise or anything thats healthy
Another thing that comparison can do is make you feel like a nasty person. If you are constantly battling people out in your own head and tearing people down, its draining and doesn't feel right.
Very true a mental exhaustion follows paired with a guilty conscience.
I think it really depends on the situation tbh, whether it's in concern to trending topics, video games, politics, sports, and whatever else. This is where finding a personal hobby comes into play: such as singing, drawing, or maybe even a board game. Gardening and dancing are examples of popular hobbies (but not really my personal hobbies) that can provide a sense of well-being and accomplishment. They are also sentimental in building skills for careers and other forms of belonging. As dumb as it might sound, I have always found rollerskating (especially disco style) to be super fun even though my experience is limited with it.
@@EmbraceTheStruggle24 oh absolutely, context is key. Comparison can be healthy if let's you drive yourself in the right direction or if it's healthy comparison. My mind has a habit of not so healthy comparison. Like this person makes better money than me, is better looking etc. not really something that is good and actionable for me to fix lol.
@@Madchris8828 💯 accurate in a lot of ways ^_^
-Comparison is NOT based in reality
-Our judgement is superficial. We don’t see or know all things about someone
- Comparison will always let you down
" i compare my deepest reality with their outward appearances" wow..thank you
I love how Emma pauses as she explains things. It feel more like an actual conversation woth someone who is being sincere.
There are a few I tune into but Emma reaches me the most. She'll cut her eyes to one side when expressing a thought or as mentioned the pause in her sessions. She's a master of driving the point home.
My mom always told us be ourselve be unique be different is okay. Discovering who you are then worry about others or what others thinks.
8:55 "Your worth is inherent. Your are always worthwhile and valuable. And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values"
❤ Thank you.
Such a simple but profound proverb: "you never know what hides behind a smile."
I need this, i'm in my unemployed era after college, its very overwhelming seeing people have their life together, its so bad i dont even looking for a job, everytime this topic come up i feel crippled with anxiety and cant function... For this past few days, ur content has helped me a lot, thank u so much for what u do 🙏❤❤
Keep your head up. I've been in that situation as well, and it's certainly no fun...but all anyone can do is keep trying and hope for the best.
Something will come along! I recently got out of this era but being rejected time after time was insanely depressing. Watching my classmates land jobs only made it worse. Ultimately, you cannot compare their experiences to yours. I got rejected from many jobs I thought were going to be the One™️, and now im working at a dream job somewhere I never expected I could be. Believe in yourself , be patient with yourself, and if you have to work a dumb job until then so be it.
@@EmbraceTheStruggle24meh, most people who look like they have their life together most often do not. It's just a show they put on for the outside world.
I’ve been there since January. Felt like a failure 5 days a week and on Saturday and Sunday I was ok.
I am in the same point in my life and I also realize how the pressure to start is there but I need to rest after hard academic and experiencing academic burnout it’s important to listen to our voice and listen to what we need whatever it may be rest or more balance or more care for ourselves as humans and not as workers of society ❤
My mom told me as a child "There is always going to be someone smarter than you, better looking, or just not like you. Get over it." BAM. Ended that rabbit hole thinking age 11. She was very loving, but direct. Helped me to survive 21 moves, and be content in a crazy medical profession for 45 years. 💖
Great advice. You have a wonderful mom!
@@DivineDianne Thank you! Her and my dad rest together at Arlington National. 🇺🇸 💖
beautiful advice. I wish someone gave it to me much earlier
im sorry but this is horrible advice to give, whether direct or not!
@@priojongIt depends how you take it. No one is the best in everything. It's good if people undertand that early on. But we can be the best version of ourselves. 😊
It's super difficult not to do that. I'm 35 single, median income, no car (no big need, thank mother earth) , student loan and I rent an apartment alone. Everyone around me is together, good incomes, bought a house, vacations every year, cars, you name it. Even most of my colleagues are way better of compared to me. It's not a problem that they have more, it's that I don't have much at all. I can't go on the trips I want to go. I almost never go out for dinner because I can't afford it. I often don't buy the clothes I truly like, since they are not cheap. (Not expensive, but also not cheap.)
It sucks massively if you're in this position and you know that unless you meet a nice partner, you're not going to get much further financially in life and it holds you back doing many of the things you would love to do. And then the people around you they can all do these things.
Depressing AF.
You're not wrong about it being super difficult. But can you honestly say that you wouldn't still compare yourself unfavourably to others if you could afford the trips and the clothes, but not, say, the car? And if you could afford the car, how long before you compare your Fiat to the other guy's Porsche? You'll always find lots of people better at something/wealthier etc. if that's what you see as important. And it'll kill your self-esteem. If you appreciate what's good/valuable about you, or good about others, in your/their own right, NOT relative to each other, then you will see yourself very differently. That's my takeaway from what Emma was saying: you compare, you compete. And you will make sure that you lose. Changing this can take time: if you've done the comparison thing for years then that's a lot of conditioning and you will do it on auto-pilot. But, it can be done!
@tona I think the problem for me is that by not having a car it's harder to go to people and to nature. Social connection and nature are good for us and do improve quality of life. Being able to go on a vacation once every two years just to see a different place and get out of our day to day life is acually good for us. I am missing out on good quality of life stuff by not having these options.
Also, now renting is okay. The problem is the future. Rent goes up and up and up. More than my salary. How do I even pay rent in the future at some point? I don't mind not owning a house right now, I worry about how I live in the future when rent and utilities keep getting so much more expensive. Which I think is a valid concern.
I've had a period where I was in a relationship and we drove a car. It was a simple second hand car and I never felt I needed a better one. The same with my apartment. I think it's fine. I just worry about the increasing rent. I also don't need designer clothing, I couldn't care less about that. I just wish I wasn't buying 60% of my clothes in second hand stores, only because otherwise I wouldn't have clothing to wear to my office job, because I can't afford office attire that's new.
I wish there was more concreet information about HOW TO DEAL WITH A LIFE THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT. I can know what I want, but when it's not there, then it's not there. I can go look at my values and what I want and what I care about, but the truth is that right now I don't have these things. I tried getting more of it and it constantly fails or I run against another brick wall. I tried getting more social contacts and I got nothing. (I really did my best) I tried all kinds of different hobbies and didn't like them. I tried going to nature more often, but I get stuck because I can't get to nature without a car apparently. I switched jobs twice to find something I enjoy more and I didn't find something that doesn't make me feel blegh. I am trying to be more fit/mobile so I feel better connected with my body and I injured myself pretty fast after starting and then again not long after recovery.
I'm at the point that I'm super frustrated about people telling me I need to know what I want and who I want to be and go for it, when I've tried so many things these past 2 years and I didn't really get anywhere. It's like all the ideas that I've got, the investments of time, effort and me going outside of my comfort zone was all for absolutely nothing.
@@elisenieuwe4649I’m just a 22 year old random stoner kid on the internet, so what I say may not even count, but thank you so much for sharing this!! I’ve been struggling a lot with internal and external pressures, thinking that by 23 or 25 I had to get my life together and be perfect. Seeing you share your struggles at 35 opened my eyes a bit, I thought everyone over 30 was just perfect and had their lives figured out. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well, and I don’t have the experience to say i would understand where you’re at right now, but starting to enjoy small simple things helps me out a lot. Venting and talking about it for some reason works too. I really hope life works out for you, you seem like an actual real honest human being, which is not that common. Take care:)
Financial anxiety is real and difficult. Knowing your rent increases faster than your income is scary and it makes sense to me that you wish for better financial security. As far as your general dissatisfaction with your life, I have found the UA-camr struthless to be helpful. He has various videos about incremental steps toward a more meaningful life and one about what people can do who don't know what their passion is. Don't know if that will help you, but I am sending good thoughts your way.
At least you have a job. I am 37 years old, unemployed and broken.
"Love is a renewable resource, the more you give the more you have "
BS
Complete bs
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And "Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent. " Eleanor Roosevelt
Every once in a while I convince myself to forget what everyone else thinks of me. That's such a great feeling. Wouldn't it be great if I could always feel that way? I find it more enjoyable to be good at something, rather than trying to be better than everyone else - a game you will always lose.
You have no idea how much I NEEDED this video at this exact moment. Thank you sooooo much! 🥰
As a depressed person with low confidence i just can say that you inspired me and i appreciate you for sharing this video unfortunately sometimes i confined myself in bed because of my insecurities and thats very pain ful .
Thank you ❤
i hope you’re doing well
This video brings me so much joy. Comparing myself to others has been a chronic problem for me, and oftentimes hard to find a way out. Glad I came across this so I can gain more insight of myself. Much gratitude to your presence and what you do!
And You are full of Golden Things.
It been very much the same way for me for many years 🤦♂️ but sometimes it just takes a little practice and perseverance to discover the 'real good' within yourself and to be cognizant of the constant manipulation that goes around.
You don’t know how meaningful it is to show support by having a keffiyeh in your filming frame.. thank you!🇵🇸🇵🇸
I didn't notice until you said it I love her even more now 🍉🍉🍉❤
FREE PALESTINE ❤🇵🇸
I just noticed it now
Now I love her even more
Free Palestine 🇵🇸 ❤
As a clinician thank you. You compare yourself to yourself. I am a disabled psychologist. When i do self talk i refuse to give a number to my leg pain. I just say " the legs are a bit troublesome today" the brain doesn't recocognize not. Its like saying not chocaolate cake. The brain hears chocolate cake.
Thank you so much for helping me to understand the NOT thing....thats a brilliant example re chocolate cake & so true. Much appreciated.
@Helen-jw6yb thank merissa peer hypnotist
As a dyslexic introverted person with adhd i constantly compare myself with others at work. I mess up all the time and i dont like it. Things come so easy to everyone.
As a person with ADHD and anxiety, who is "behind" others in life due to these things, I feel you
but there must be something you do good too.
Hey, I know this pain. And im 39 - not very optimistic, but working on that.
the world needs more people like you, knowledgeable and compassionate. I really appreciate your videos. They've changed my life for the better.
I'm in my mid 40's now and still live with my parents and feel frozen in time while I've been seeing how everyone else has changed over the years. I need to stop comparing myself to others and focus more on me and hopefully my life will turn around.
Heck maybe the reason I hate my job is because I see people complain about the same company all the time on reddit. Of course it has got me worried about my physical health and financial future.
The problem at work I have is there are certain people who always complain and I need to learn to ignore them and just do my stuff till time to go and not worry about it when I'm not on the clock.
That has also been an issue I've had for years.
"We only know these cardboard cutouts of people"
That's exactly why I finally deactivated my Facebook.
Everybody on there only ever seem to be the "perfect" version of themselves. So much so that it got to the point of just.... Everything just felt so fake to me, being on there. Nobody feels real anymore.
As a budding coach, getting off of social media really helped my "compare & despair" issues I was having.
The part about outsourcing your identity and how that places your worth in a relative place to others - that was so insightful to me. My concept of self worth really has been impacted at time by comparing myself to others and it feels so shameful but i really appreciate you doing this video.
That phrases consolidates so much "the world is abundant, specially on all the things that brings us happiness"
Yes this is such a problem for me! But what about the flipside when we compare ourselves presently with who we were and that distresses us? Like the age old "glory days" when you feel like you were only great once in your life.
You were always you and you will always be you, unless you think you were a different person before because you had more talent, money, beauty or whatever.
Halfway through it and I already am feeling better about myself. Thank you so much!! ❤
This was sooooo helpful for me! I realized that over the years I have developed this complex within myself that told me I was better than everyone else. I didn't even notice it, and it didn't really feel like it either. I just noticed myself spending much more time alone and then feeling disconnected from others. I realize it comes from deep insecurities about myself and who I truly am. I have a lot of shame around who I am, and that is something I am working through, but I noticed that I have been projecting that onto others. This has made it difficult and almost impossible for me to just see the human in people and love them.
All I've been basing my worth on is how I dress, how skilled I am at my hobbies, and my likes and dislikes and if those are adequate. I have been comparing myself and tearing myself down while also comparing myself to others and tearing them down in my mind to make myself feel better. It is a toxic loop, and it has made me feel so much anxiety because I worry that I won't be able to connect with anyone new ever again. Luckily, I can still connect with others that I know. I just started comparing people, and I am not sure how to stop, but I know that I can by using these methods you listed. Thank you so much for this video! It is helping so many
Thank you for this. I have been struggling with comparative anxiety, in my work, at the gym, it’s been consuming and this has been such a breath of fresh air into my life for aiding these areas- to reflect and free myself from this prison I’ve kinda created in comparing. Thank you
Gosh, I learned more in these 16 minutes than I have in two weeks of therapy. Thank you so much for this and all the videos you post, for the time you dedicate to helping others reach their goals and learning to love themselves.
You are great ive gone thru therapy for a couple years but your videos give resource when needed after thinking your alright. You provide great advice when things get dark.
You are so very kind and your suggestions are so down to earth 👍🏻
I am reminded of an old saying" I pitied myself because I had no shoes; then I met the man who had no feet" There will always be people who seem to have more buy we can be grateful for what we do have! I pray daily to the Lord but i always am grateful for what i do have. Some days its hard to find bit its always there if we look. Thank you Emma for your gift of compassion and love for humanity...We all need help from each other!✝️🕊️💟
I am always grateful to see a comment that gives props to the lord first and foremost. Thankyou.
Comparing to others drives me insane，thank you for pointing out what are healthy thoughts ❤I hope i can feel better after trying to stop comparing myself to others in a sick way
“Stop comparing and start connecting” love that!
9:07-10:02 was especially helpful for me. You're right. My comparison to others is sometimes based in them achieving what I want to achieve, but not always. Me having a better job than someone or a less paying than another, I should really be proud of myself for working hard enough to get to where I wanted to be in my career.
I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you!
This is a fantastic video on something I struggle with every single day - Thank you so much Emma!
I suffer from anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. I just entered collage and everyday i come home very anxious. After thinking about it I realized that its because I compared myself to everyone there, which is why I watched this video. I see everyone walking around fine while im struggling just getting to class because of my agoraphobia. My depression is making me less exited about starting collage, so when I see everyone else all excited it I feel out of place and even more depressed. Watching this video helped a lot and from today on ill try to stop the comparisions and instead work on becoming someone I want to be (more specifically happier and no agoraphobia). Ill try and instead be happy that I acually went to all my classes despite having agoraphobia! Thank you, this video made my day ❤
Having agoraphobia makes you strong. Getting to classes is a huge accomplishment and just shows how resilient you are
@@hannehelgesen4477 thank you that means alot 🥹
One of the best videos about this issue! Genuinely thank you
Comparison will sadly end up putting someone down!
I realized this is a major thief of joy in my life and then this video pops up. Thank's for making it, it's one of the blessings to count today 😁✌️
I'm using so many of your videos for my "Leadership Camp" I'm doing for my family. Your videos are one of those things of good report and praiseworthy that everyone needs to seek after.😊
Thank you so much for your advice , you always give me another perspective for considering the problem.It's difficult to focus in yourself when there are many people telling you what to do.
Just can't stop thanking you for this video🤧🤧..... just the thing I needed to uplift my mood since morning..... many thanks to you Ma'am for your beautiful gift of this knowledge to the world and much love from India❤❤
Wow! This woman's way of teaching us to be level headed is off the chain.. so true. The bible actually teaches alot of these qualities, but that's a different subject. Awesome info here. 😁😁
Thank you so much for this video! 😊 I really needed this as I'm constantly struggling with comparing myself to others.
God bless you for showing up at the right time of my life, I have accumulated so much baggage throughout so many years that I felt at the edge of a cliff. Finally my over distressed brain gets some rest.
Thank you so much! I appreciate you and the work you do! It helps me to become free to be who I really want to be and hopefully experience true connections as well!
Much gentle love from way over here in Latvia!
I’m so grateful I found your videos, it helps me with my intrusive thoughts and negativity, I’m on the journey, and I want to thank you for these free life advice
Thank you therapy in a nutshell may god bless you 🙏🏿🙏🏿
Brilliant video from Emma, again. “You’re outsourcing your identity.” Spot on!
Thank you so much for this wonderful video - it's been incredibly helpful. Appreciate you sharing your knowledge and advice with us all!
13:57 the spell begins. I have to read loud after you. Your words are so sincere and powerful. Thank you very much!
loved the bit about values. came back to this video and never really took it to heart before.
as someone always comparing myself and being frustrated about whether i'm doing the right thing, i can tackle both with realizing my values. making the next steps a lot clearer.
youre soo awesome! really! thank you soo much for share much of kind❤❤❤
This was really helpful, you are great communicator.
Glad it was helpful!
I often compared myself to other after I suffered MD and anxiety. Seen people are happy and healthy but not me. Then when I got out of depression, then the comparison was gone automatically & spontaneously.
Hi Emma. Loved this video . I have seen comparison is driving me crazy. It has helped me to get a better understanding of comparison and helped me to gradually get rid of it .
Thanks a lot
I am trans and have been in the closet for 8 years. Seeing my little brother grow up, I didn't realize until recently how much I compare myself to him in a hypothetical way, and it was leading to resentment almost. I am just jealous that he has a life by default that I have to decide how I can even move toward. Nobody wants to be trans, and I think realizing that is my first step toward acceptance. It just sucks, the world will always have stuff to say about me before knowing anything about me, but if I let those fears control me, then those people are essentially winning. If I let my fear of the world responding to me control me, then I will NEVER be happy. Through the history of everything, trans people have existed despite what the world says, and if I want to live a true life, I have to accept myself, i don't know that anyone else will. You are enough. The world needs YOU, not the fake character you feel pressured to be. Delete tik tok, delete instagram, just be YOU. I recently switched from social media to having a google site to share my life. That's all I wanted from instagram anyway was to just see my online expression of myself in one place. Just be you, don't let what you think others are doing pressure you.
Wow this is so good Emma! Probably the best topic you've talked about...for me😊
Your videos are so helpful! Thank you so much 💗
1:38 When we compare ourselves to others it will always let us down in the long run
1:50 *1) Comparison is a brain shortcut, but it's also a blind spot.*
*2) You're outsourcing your identity. Making yourself helpless*
*3)Comparison leads to isolation and drama*
1:50 🌱 *Comparison isn't based on reality*
1:54 *Selective focus blind spot*
We higlight, maybe, what we don't like about ourselves and then we only notice people who are better.
5:30 We are more isolated than ever, we know fewer people than ever in a real, deep way, so we compare ourselves to people without really knowing their full nuance selves.
6:12 🌼 *Catch yourself comparing yourself*
7:39
7:51 🌱 *Comparison will always let you down because you're outsourcing your identity*
= *Basing your worth on comparison is fuelling the underlying belief that you worth is dependent on being better than someone else* and that determining whether you're a god person depends on how many people are above you or below you in hierarchy.
This will always let you down, because someone will always be better than you in other areas.
8:31 "...The problem with comparison is that you're outsourcing your identity" you're allowing others, and things outside of you to determine your worth." -K. Walters
8:46 🌼 *How to stop?*
💛 *1)Realize your worth is not dependent on being better than other people.*
🌟🌸🌟 *Your worth is inherent. You're always worthwile and valuable. And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values. How much integrity do you have to what's important to you*
*If you want to build a solid secure sense of self,* to do this you've got to constantly shift your attention away from comparison to integrity.
9:38 🌸 *What do I want?*
Eg. I want to be healthy. Do I act in integrity with this?
- I walk everyday...
How can I eat better?
🌸 *We base our motivation on what we're running toward, not running away from.*
🍒 Who do I want to be?
🍒 How can I move towards that a little bit more today?
💛 *Your good is inherent,* You're always worthy of love, your goodness is based on your values, not on comparison.
10:17 🌸 *When you catch yourself comparing, ask yourself:*
10:34 🍒 *What does this say about what I really value?*
🌸Do I value getting a lot of people to like me? Or do I value being confident internally? Do I value looking perfect all the time? Or getting physically healthy? Do I value putting other people down? Or building us all up?
🌸 Shift your attention away from competition as your goal and focus on what you really care about.
🌸Create visual reminders of your values, goals and your accomplishments
🌸 Instead of comparing yourself to others, channel your energy into personal growth, creativity, and pursuits that bring you joy and fulfillment. Focus your energy on who you want to be.
11:15 E.g.
11:46 💛 *3) Comparison leads to isolation and constant drama*
🌱 *Comparison is based on scarcity mindset.*
It's based on the idea that there's not enough to go around, so you put yourself in competition with everyone else to survive.
12:21 *Even in competitive sports, comparison is going to backfire*
12:55 focus on values instead
E.g. I'm going to be a good team player, I'm going to learn how to make good decisions on the field, I'm going to devote my energy to self- improvement and winning with my team.
13:10🌱 *Competing with others will only take you so far. To be truly great you need the lasting motivation of your internal values paired with connection to other people.*
13:26 Who benefits from comparison?
Sellers, materialism
13:36 *Life is about collaboration,* lifting someone else does not cost you anything. Be happy with them, mourn with them. When someone else is successful, get excited for them and learn from them.
There's enough excitement for everyone. Love is a renewable resource. The more you give, the more you have. When you're kind to someone else, you don't run out of kindness, it grows inside of you.
13:36 🌱 shift from scarcity mentality to abundance
Count your blessings
13:36 Summary
15:44 🌸🌟🌸 *When we stop comparing to the public side of people, you start to see people in a more real way.* You'll see their giftss and their flaws, but you're not using them anymore. *When we compare, we're using their personhood for the selfish purpose of determining your own goodness.* So instead of competing with them you can actually connect with them.
🌸🌱 *As you start to really see people, you start to see yourself clearly as well, and suddenly you can actually love yourself too.*
Excellent topic, well done
❤ so wise, humble & refreshing, Thankyou
I've missed listening to her videos. She's amazing.
Thanks!
Thanks for your hard work and Emotional Support. ❤
I feel Like this video was Curated just for me, have noticed this trend in myself for a while and searching for a solution till i found not only a solution, but genuine understanding of myself hear. Thank you so much
I'm going to hug my group counselor if she permits again. This was just what I needed at hard time in my life. Even more thank you Dr Hays for making these. You have gotten through to me when rehabs, like the mainly overly acclaimed Betty Ford couldn't help, therapy since I was young on up... do you follow sorry bad grammar just so stoked to have these chapters in my life. I'm not sure why but you found a way to communicate to my brain thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you - God Bless you!🎉
I find we project our issues onto others. I try to remember that old saying “What is it about them, that I don’t like about myself?”
Comparison is common in my family. My mum and aunts would compare their kids and talk about who is the best looking, most successful, made the most money. I was extremely unremarkable so I grew up feeling like crap all the time. Even in my adulthood I constantly felt like I didn't measure up. I have learned to focus on being my best self instead of trying to be someone else. I am much much happier now.
13:33 The sales and marketing teams! Thank you Emma. :)
Couldn't have been a more perfect time for this video❤❤ thank you so much Emma🙏💓
I’ve been needing to watch this but I don’t want to admit it. So yes, I’m watching it! 😂
Is there a way I could play a video non stop in my brain? I feel like I need to play this non stop in my brain.
Thank you for making this. I knew comparing myself to others was an unhelpful thinking pattern but when it came to challenging these thoughts I’d come up stumped. It was so frustrating.
I’m so grateful for this video and that you’ve made this info readily available. Your videos have helped me to be a better person and I think will, ultimately, make the world a better place to live in for a lot of people. ❤
I love your message and agree that comparison is the killer of joy. But as you are giving out your message I can’t help but think how much I really love the sweater you are wearing. Does that mean I have the attention span of a fly? Working on my focus!!
Thanks. I really needed this afvice today ❤.
This was such a great video. I will once again reference this for others in one of my upcoming videos on my channel. Thank you for this. Love your practical and real approach!
I love your videos! Thank you so much for helping us grow and learn. So much love ❤
this was a huge shift for me. Thank you for all the hard work. This is so wonderful. Amazing! I am so grateful to you for sharing your knowledge. Sending you lots of love.
Thanks Emma!! I would love to hear you talk about 'community' and its effect on anxiety and how that positively impacts someone. Church, work, club, sports.
Emma, you are a blessing. Thank you
Emma thank you so much I really needed this.
I am around halfway through the video but have this constant thought in my mind. IT is SO IMPORTANT to not compare yourselves to others and take myself as an example. My friends and people around me usually wonder how im so "skinny" and can eat so much and i just laugh it off. Usually they are also jealous of that. But they don't know (literally not. a. single. soul. knows.) that I struggled with an eating disorder for a few months. I would start dieting and counting calories, then i would try extreme diets and restrict foods, then I would starve myself and CONSTANTLY think about food and it was all some crazy spiral. All of that while not a single soul knew and I just remained happy and normal. Until I got into recovery and understood my body and trusted it and now im eating everything i want and I know i won't gain weight, im only a month (almost 2) in recovery so i have some ups and downs like sometimes ill eat a lotttttttt and people will wonder but they dont know that i somtimes feel really guitly or bad about it or Im telling myself i will starve later etc but itsgotten much better anyway haha. I went through a lot for this and sometimes when I catch myself getting envious or comparing, i try to remember my own story. Who knows I even went through this? And I'm telling you, if I told anyone about this or they heard, they wouldn't believe it. It's simply crazy and you really only see the outside of people when you compare. I used to beenvious of this girl because she was so pretty and has friends shes so perfect why am i not like her etc etc but I realised she didn't even think she was pretty and had mental problems and also a disordered eating habit. I sometimes still struggle getting the thoughts through my brain but I am so grateful and proud of myself for noticing my emotions and regulating myself better now instead of ignoring and letting it get to me. I know i wrote random things in this comment but if you see this i hope it helps you in some way! :)
Thank you SO MUCH!
Wise words. Great job. Thank you so much!
Thank you for posting this video. It is very much helpful, profound and informative.
Fantastic video. Thank you 👏
Comparing yourself to others is like taking part in a race, except one problem: there's no finish line.
Not really, the finish line is being happy, having money, family, status, etc. If you want to be a great musician then you compare yourself with other musicians, you envy those who are better than you
I also needed this. Big time!
Thank you so much!
This is so so good, thank you
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I always try 2 remember that.
I love your videos! This helped me tremendously!!! I’m going to watch it a few more times and practice what I’ve learned ❤
I literally used to be super chill like your family member, but as I'm growing older and want to be a more responsible person I constantly compare myself to people like you, awe at how you guys get all the work done, guess we're all stuck in a loop
It's been tough to break the habit of comparing myself to others, but I'm happy to find resources for self-discovery. Thanks for share.
Thank you for this video! I compare my self to others a lot especially in relation to my trauma. I feel like everyone else have had happy non traumatic lives but this is of course not true.
Your videos are so good! 🙌🏾
Beautiful video, it helped me more than my last therapist. 🌸🌸