How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
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- Опубліковано 27 тра 2024
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Here’s what we do know about comparison- it contributes to mental health concerns like
eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, body dissatisfaction, jealousy, narcissism, and perfectionism. It can also lead to other problems like overspending to keep up with the Joneses. One study found that when someone in a neighborhood won the lottery, neighbors began making big purchases like expensive cars that they couldn’t afford. When we compare ourselves to others it will always let us down in the long run.
Let’s talk about 3 reasons why comparison lets us down, and then we’ll talk about what to do instead.
Comparison is a brain shortcut, but it’s also a blind spot.
You’re outsourcing your identity- making yourself helpless
Comparison leads to isolation and drama
So, Catch yourself comparing yourself. On a practical level- You could use my worksheet.
Write down the situations where you most often compare yourself to others
Write down you most common comparison thoughts
Remind yourself- Thoughts aren’t reality (let’s challenge that thought)
1. My comparisons are usually false
Selective filtering makes me highlight their good and my bad.
I can’t see the whole person- no one has it all
Get off social media. You think you can see through it, but you can’t. Unfollow toxic accounts. Write and notice the types of accounts that demotivate you- parenting, weight loss, makeup, etc
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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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its insane how messages come exactly when we need them. I made the decision 3 days ago to stay away from social media because I was comparing myself too much, I was there all day. Instead, I realize, I started using that time to work on been better, to try to find the good things in myself. And using my time to do good and connect in a organic way
So True, I had a thing with this also now we will laugh belly laugh in the NOW, keep Glowing on your new Your of life.sending good vibes from San Jose CA
Same here
Best thing I did was get rid of fb a couple years ago. Waist of time.
Same!!
Social media is poison when it comes to anxiety/depression. It’s better to read or exercise or anything thats healthy
Another thing that comparison can do is make you feel like a nasty person. If you are constantly battling people out in your own head and tearing people down, its draining and doesn't feel right.
Very true a mental exhaustion follows paired with a guilty conscience.
I think it really depends on the situation tbh, whether it's in concern to trending topics, video games, politics, sports, and whatever else. This is where finding a personal hobby comes into play: such as singing, drawing, or maybe even a board game. Gardening and dancing are examples of popular hobbies (but not really my personal hobbies) that can provide a sense of well-being and accomplishment. They are also sentimental in building skills for careers and other forms of belonging. As dumb as it might sound, I have always found rollerskating (especially disco style) to be super fun even though my experience is limited with it.
@@EmbraceTheStruggle24 oh absolutely, context is key. Comparison can be healthy if let's you drive yourself in the right direction or if it's healthy comparison. My mind has a habit of not so healthy comparison. Like this person makes better money than me, is better looking etc. not really something that is good and actionable for me to fix lol.
@@Madchris8828 💯 accurate in a lot of ways ^_^
My mom told me as a child "There is always going to be someone smarter than you, better looking, or just not like you. Get over it." BAM. Ended that rabbit hole thinking age 11. She was very loving, but direct. Helped me to survive 21 moves, and be content in a crazy medical profession for 45 years. 💖
Great advice. You have a wonderful mom!
@@DivineDianne Thank you! Her and my dad rest together at Arlington National. 🇺🇸 💖
beautiful advice. I wish someone gave it to me much earlier
im sorry but this is horrible advice to give, whether direct or not!
@@priojongIt depends how you take it. No one is the best in everything. It's good if people undertand that early on. But we can be the best version of ourselves. 😊
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And "Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent. " Eleanor Roosevelt
I need this, i'm in my unemployed era after college, its very overwhelming seeing people have their life together, its so bad i dont even looking for a job, everytime this topic come up i feel crippled with anxiety and cant function... For this past few days, ur content has helped me a lot, thank u so much for what u do 🙏❤❤
Keep your head up. I've been in that situation as well, and it's certainly no fun...but all anyone can do is keep trying and hope for the best.
Something will come along! I recently got out of this era but being rejected time after time was insanely depressing. Watching my classmates land jobs only made it worse. Ultimately, you cannot compare their experiences to yours. I got rejected from many jobs I thought were going to be the One™️, and now im working at a dream job somewhere I never expected I could be. Believe in yourself , be patient with yourself, and if you have to work a dumb job until then so be it.
@@EmbraceTheStruggle24meh, most people who look like they have their life together most often do not. It's just a show they put on for the outside world.
I’ve been there since January. Felt like a failure 5 days a week and on Saturday and Sunday I was ok.
" i compare my deepest reality with their outward appearances" wow..thank you
8:55 "Your worth is inherent. Your are always worthwhile and valuable. And the goodness of your life depends on how closely you live your values"
❤ Thank you.
I love how Emma pauses as she explains things. It feel more like an actual conversation woth someone who is being sincere.
There are a few I tune into but Emma reaches me the most. She'll cut her eyes to one side when expressing a thought or as mentioned the pause in her sessions. She's a master of driving the point home.
As a dyslexic introverted person with adhd i constantly compare myself with others at work. I mess up all the time and i dont like it. Things come so easy to everyone.
Such a simple but profound proverb: "you never know what hides behind a smile."
My mom always told us be ourselve be unique be different is okay. Discovering who you are then worry about others or what others thinks.
"Love is a renewable resource, the more you give the more you have "
It's super difficult not to do that. I'm 35 single, median income, no car (no big need, thank mother earth) , student loan and I rent an apartment alone. Everyone around me is together, good incomes, bought a house, vacations every year, cars, you name it. Even most of my colleagues are way better of compared to me. It's not a problem that they have more, it's that I don't have much at all. I can't go on the trips I want to go. I almost never go out for dinner because I can't afford it. I often don't buy the clothes I truly like, since they are not cheap. (Not expensive, but also not cheap.)
It sucks massively if you're in this position and you know that unless you meet a nice partner, you're not going to get much further financially in life and it holds you back doing many of the things you would love to do. And then the people around you they can all do these things.
Depressing AF.
You're not wrong about it being super difficult. But can you honestly say that you wouldn't still compare yourself unfavourably to others if you could afford the trips and the clothes, but not, say, the car? And if you could afford the car, how long before you compare your Fiat to the other guy's Porsche? You'll always find lots of people better at something/wealthier etc. if that's what you see as important. And it'll kill your self-esteem. If you appreciate what's good/valuable about you, or good about others, in your/their own right, NOT relative to each other, then you will see yourself very differently. That's my takeaway from what Emma was saying: you compare, you compete. And you will make sure that you lose. Changing this can take time: if you've done the comparison thing for years then that's a lot of conditioning and you will do it on auto-pilot. But, it can be done!
@tona I think the problem for me is that by not having a car it's harder to go to people and to nature. Social connection and nature are good for us and do improve quality of life. Being able to go on a vacation once every two years just to see a different place and get out of our day to day life is acually good for us. I am missing out on good quality of life stuff by not having these options.
Also, now renting is okay. The problem is the future. Rent goes up and up and up. More than my salary. How do I even pay rent in the future at some point? I don't mind not owning a house right now, I worry about how I live in the future when rent and utilities keep getting so much more expensive. Which I think is a valid concern.
I've had a period where I was in a relationship and we drove a car. It was a simple second hand car and I never felt I needed a better one. The same with my apartment. I think it's fine. I just worry about the increasing rent. I also don't need designer clothing, I couldn't care less about that. I just wish I wasn't buying 60% of my clothes in second hand stores, only because otherwise I wouldn't have clothing to wear to my office job, because I can't afford office attire that's new.
I wish there was more concreet information about HOW TO DEAL WITH A LIFE THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT. I can know what I want, but when it's not there, then it's not there. I can go look at my values and what I want and what I care about, but the truth is that right now I don't have these things. I tried getting more of it and it constantly fails or I run against another brick wall. I tried getting more social contacts and I got nothing. (I really did my best) I tried all kinds of different hobbies and didn't like them. I tried going to nature more often, but I get stuck because I can't get to nature without a car apparently. I switched jobs twice to find something I enjoy more and I didn't find something that doesn't make me feel blegh. I am trying to be more fit/mobile so I feel better connected with my body and I injured myself pretty fast after starting and then again not long after recovery.
I'm at the point that I'm super frustrated about people telling me I need to know what I want and who I want to be and go for it, when I've tried so many things these past 2 years and I didn't really get anywhere. It's like all the ideas that I've got, the investments of time, effort and me going outside of my comfort zone was all for absolutely nothing.
@@elisenieuwe4649I’m just a 22 year old random stoner kid on the internet, so what I say may not even count, but thank you so much for sharing this!! I’ve been struggling a lot with internal and external pressures, thinking that by 23 or 25 I had to get my life together and be perfect. Seeing you share your struggles at 35 opened my eyes a bit, I thought everyone over 30 was just perfect and had their lives figured out. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well, and I don’t have the experience to say i would understand where you’re at right now, but starting to enjoy small simple things helps me out a lot. Venting and talking about it for some reason works too. I really hope life works out for you, you seem like an actual real honest human being, which is not that common. Take care:)
Financial anxiety is real and difficult. Knowing your rent increases faster than your income is scary and it makes sense to me that you wish for better financial security. As far as your general dissatisfaction with your life, I have found the UA-camr struthless to be helpful. He has various videos about incremental steps toward a more meaningful life and one about what people can do who don't know what their passion is. Don't know if that will help you, but I am sending good thoughts your way.
At least you have a job. I am 37 years old, unemployed and broken.
As a clinician thank you. You compare yourself to yourself. I am a disabled psychologist. When i do self talk i refuse to give a number to my leg pain. I just say " the legs are a bit troublesome today" the brain doesn't recocognize not. Its like saying not chocaolate cake. The brain hears chocolate cake.
Thank you so much for helping me to understand the NOT thing....thats a brilliant example re chocolate cake & so true. Much appreciated.
@Helen-jw6yb thank merissa peer hypnotist
Every once in a while I convince myself to forget what everyone else thinks of me. That's such a great feeling. Wouldn't it be great if I could always feel that way? I find it more enjoyable to be good at something, rather than trying to be better than everyone else - a game you will always lose.
As a budding coach, getting off of social media really helped my "compare & despair" issues I was having.
I am reminded of an old saying" I pitied myself because I had no shoes; then I met the man who had no feet" There will always be people who seem to have more buy we can be grateful for what we do have! I pray daily to the Lord but i always am grateful for what i do have. Some days its hard to find bit its always there if we look. Thank you Emma for your gift of compassion and love for humanity...We all need help from each other!✝️🕊️💟
You don’t know how meaningful it is to show support by having a keffiyeh in your filming frame.. thank you!🇵🇸🇵🇸
I didn't notice until you said it I love her even more now 🍉🍉🍉❤
"We only know these cardboard cutouts of people"
That's exactly why I finally deactivated my Facebook.
Everybody on there only ever seem to be the "perfect" version of themselves. So much so that it got to the point of just.... Everything just felt so fake to me, being on there. Nobody feels real anymore.
Yes this is such a problem for me! But what about the flipside when we compare ourselves presently with who we were and that distresses us? Like the age old "glory days" when you feel like you were only great once in your life.
You were always you and you will always be you, unless you think you were a different person before because you had more talent, money, beauty or whatever.
You have no idea how much I NEEDED this video at this exact moment. Thank you sooooo much! 🥰
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
If you look up Shelly Renee White online, you will find all the information you need. Thank you.
This video brings me so much joy. Comparing myself to others has been a chronic problem for me, and oftentimes hard to find a way out. Glad I came across this so I can gain more insight of myself. Much gratitude to your presence and what you do!
And You are full of Golden Things.
It been very much the same way for me for many years 🤦♂️ but sometimes it just takes a little practice and perseverance to discover the 'real good' within yourself and to be cognizant of the constant manipulation that goes around.
“Stop comparing and start connecting” love that!
I'm in my mid 40's now and still live with my parents and feel frozen in time while I've been seeing how everyone else has changed over the years. I need to stop comparing myself to others and focus more on me and hopefully my life will turn around.
Heck maybe the reason I hate my job is because I see people complain about the same company all the time on reddit. Of course it has got me worried about my physical health and financial future.
The problem at work I have is there are certain people who always complain and I need to learn to ignore them and just do my stuff till time to go and not worry about it when I'm not on the clock.
That has also been an issue I've had for years.
The part about outsourcing your identity and how that places your worth in a relative place to others - that was so insightful to me. My concept of self worth really has been impacted at time by comparing myself to others and it feels so shameful but i really appreciate you doing this video.
Comparison will sadly end up putting someone down!
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I always try 2 remember that.
Wow! This woman's way of teaching us to be level headed is off the chain.. so true. The bible actually teaches alot of these qualities, but that's a different subject. Awesome info here. 😁😁
As a depressed person with low confidence i just can say that you inspired me and i appreciate you for sharing this video unfortunately sometimes i confined myself in bed because of my insecurities and thats very pain ful .
Thank you ❤
i hope you’re doing well
This was sooooo helpful for me! I realized that over the years I have developed this complex within myself that told me I was better than everyone else. I didn't even notice it, and it didn't really feel like it either. I just noticed myself spending much more time alone and then feeling disconnected from others. I realize it comes from deep insecurities about myself and who I truly am. I have a lot of shame around who I am, and that is something I am working through, but I noticed that I have been projecting that onto others. This has made it difficult and almost impossible for me to just see the human in people and love them.
All I've been basing my worth on is how I dress, how skilled I am at my hobbies, and my likes and dislikes and if those are adequate. I have been comparing myself and tearing myself down while also comparing myself to others and tearing them down in my mind to make myself feel better. It is a toxic loop, and it has made me feel so much anxiety because I worry that I won't be able to connect with anyone new ever again. Luckily, I can still connect with others that I know. I just started comparing people, and I am not sure how to stop, but I know that I can by using these methods you listed. Thank you so much for this video! It is helping so many
I often compared myself to other after I suffered MD and anxiety. Seen people are happy and healthy but not me. Then when I got out of depression, then the comparison was gone automatically & spontaneously.
Thank you for this. I have been struggling with comparative anxiety, in my work, at the gym, it’s been consuming and this has been such a breath of fresh air into my life for aiding these areas- to reflect and free myself from this prison I’ve kinda created in comparing. Thank you
Halfway through it and I already am feeling better about myself. Thank you so much!! ❤
I realized this is a major thief of joy in my life and then this video pops up. Thank's for making it, it's one of the blessings to count today 😁✌️
Comparison is common in my family. My mum and aunts would compare their kids and talk about who is the best looking, most successful, made the most money. I was extremely unremarkable so I grew up feeling like crap all the time. Even in my adulthood I constantly felt like I didn't measure up. I have learned to focus on being my best self instead of trying to be someone else. I am much much happier now.
This helps, thank you.
All my friends have moved on and gotten married or had kids, and i feel like I've been left behind. When they needed me, I was always there for them, but when i needed them, none of them were there for me. Now that I'm 30, single, and still living at home, i feel like it's too late for me because compared to everyone else, I'm nowhere near as successful as they are.
You’re 30,, you’re single and you’re living at home for now. Put it like that, do not waste your mental energy comparing yourself. See the bigger picture by remembering that nothing is what it seems. If God’s will is marriage for you, it will happen. Let’s all continue being the best version of ourselves.
Scarcity mindset!!
Coming from a place of lack will keep u in lack!! Great talk!!
thanks a lot, I'm a therapist and I use what I've learned from you, to help people can not afford therapy. 😍😍
We compare(similarities and differences) things/people all the time. Everything is relative.😂
I've never had a competitive nature 😲. I used to consider this a flaw😔. As ive gotten older i look around me and see people on a hamster wheel of ambition competition and posing. Excessive vanity makes people do terrible things to their appearance. I feel generally content with who i am. What i choose to do is never to impress or keep up with someone else. My challenge is others thinking we're in competition😤 and being nasty about it😡.
You can't convince someone you don't care what they think when they seem to care DESPERATELY what you think🙄.
Thanks Emma!! I would love to hear you talk about 'community' and its effect on anxiety and how that positively impacts someone. Church, work, club, sports.
That phrases consolidates so much "the world is abundant, specially on all the things that brings us happiness"
Omygoodness! I just love how you keep it real!
13:33 The sales and marketing teams! Thank you Emma. :)
"That your worth is not dependent on being better than other people."
This line drives society in the front seat.
How can we eliminate/unlearn the intoxicating effects external locus of control? And the judgement that comes with not following the norm?
When one only knows to live the way through other's eyes because that's how they've learnt to live from the beginning.
I'm using so many of your videos for my "Leadership Camp" I'm doing for my family. Your videos are one of those things of good report and praiseworthy that everyone needs to seek after.😊
Well said, so wise.
Thanks again, your videos help out a lot.
You're awesome Emma. I needed this 🙌 ❤
Love this, thank you!!
Awesome advice. Thank you!
the world needs more people like you, knowledgeable and compassionate. I really appreciate your videos. They've changed my life for the better.
Is there a way I could play a video non stop in my brain? I feel like I need to play this non stop in my brain.
Thank you for making this. I knew comparing myself to others was an unhelpful thinking pattern but when it came to challenging these thoughts I’d come up stumped. It was so frustrating.
I’m so grateful for this video and that you’ve made this info readily available. Your videos have helped me to be a better person and I think will, ultimately, make the world a better place to live in for a lot of people. ❤
13:57 the spell begins. I have to read loud after you. Your words are so sincere and powerful. Thank you very much!
Thank you, I finally understood why I was comparing myself to others, and knowing the root cause can elimante the comparison
I also needed this. Big time!
Thank you so much!
Comparing to others drives me insane，thank you for pointing out what are healthy thoughts ❤I hope i can feel better after trying to stop comparing myself to others in a sick way
Thank you very much for this video!❤
Amen sister!!
This is a fantastic video on something I struggle with every single day - Thank you so much Emma!
I needed to hear this today.
You know what's not a renewable resource? Potential mates. It's a buyers market and some of us just don't have a high enough value to keep up with the marketplace.
This is so so so right on! ❤
One of the best videos about this issue! Genuinely thank you
Great video Emma! Thank you so much!
Thanks for amazing Topic. Keep doing good work.
Great video. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your advice , you always give me another perspective for considering the problem.It's difficult to focus in yourself when there are many people telling you what to do.
Lovely message in this video. I always appreciate the summary at the end of your talks. I note them on paper and then I listen a second time. Just having written the summary points brings the teaching together as one cohesive narrative. I don’t have to look at the summary points I’ve written as I listen the second time. The action of writing brings them into clear focus. I use writing as a scaffold to support my ADHD brain.
i absolutely loved this ‼️
Emma, you are a blessing. Thank you
i really liked this. thank you
It's been tough to break the habit of comparing myself to others, but I'm happy to find resources for self-discovery. Thanks for share.
Thanks, this is just what I needed 😊✨ Saved
I’m so grateful I found your videos, it helps me with my intrusive thoughts and negativity, I’m on the journey, and I want to thank you for these free life advice
Thank you, i needed this now 🙏😮💨
Isn't that how the society is based though? All our life we get opportunities by comparing ourselves with others.And that's what wires us this way to compare ourselves. Eg: you need to be the most qualified in the job market to get that dream job. You need to have the best personality/body to get better matches in the dating world etc
I've missed listening to her videos. She's amazing.
I'm going to hug my group counselor if she permits again. This was just what I needed at hard time in my life. Even more thank you Dr Hays for making these. You have gotten through to me when rehabs, like the mainly overly acclaimed Betty Ford couldn't help, therapy since I was young on up... do you follow sorry bad grammar just so stoked to have these chapters in my life. I'm not sure why but you found a way to communicate to my brain thank you thank you thank you.
I love this advice and the idea of focusing on values and connecting with people. So many good points!
Thank you so much
You are so amazing!!!! I love your videos so much! I think this was the best one yet! Love to you sister, God bless!!!!
This is one of the best videos ever! Thanks so much
thank you!!
I really lived this video and the new perspective
I really love your videos. It is starting to help my thought process. ❤
I needed this today. I’ve been comparing myself to my sister who’s very conscientious, hardworking, and always on time. I tend to be pretty avoidant/escapist and bad at time management, so when I see my sister living her values, I’m admiring but also I feel really bad about myself and kind of resent her for it. I guess I need to try and forget about my sister for awhile and see what I might be capable of… instead of having bad feelings and trying to get other people to forgive me for being late or tell me that I’m good enough. Sigh 😔 😅
Emma thank you so much I really needed this.
Thanks ❤
You are awesome! I really like you and your topics! thanks a lot!
I am in love.. this video is great! Thank you.
I think this is one of the most important videos you have ever made, Thank you! Also I love your sign in the background that is a good example of what you just taught, "Kick Butt Family Therapist" 😂
thank you so much , that was so helpfull
this was a huge shift for me. Thank you for all the hard work. This is so wonderful. Amazing! I am so grateful to you for sharing your knowledge. Sending you lots of love.
Beautifully explained - thank you! 🙏
Thank you for making this video 🙏
I thank god that I found you when I need it most
I love your message and agree that comparison is the killer of joy. But as you are giving out your message I can’t help but think how much I really love the sweater you are wearing. Does that mean I have the attention span of a fly? Working on my focus!!
thank you for everything that you do