Currently watching from Lebanon, where we just had another sonic boom from Israeli war planes, and thinking about how glad I am to have found you both over a decade ago and how grateful I am to you for making your views on the war clear, even though you don’t usually discuss politics on the show. There are so many creators that I’ve had to stop watching because of their problematic views, but JBU remains a safe space for me that brings me comfort and distraction from all the heartache and anxiety that have characterized the past 10 months. So thank you, love you, and love the watermelon tattoo, Gabe ❤
Gabe started absolutely cooking about therapy lingo. i think something you have always nailed as a duo is knowing when to let the other person go off and this was one of those moments
What bothers me about people using therapy mode with a friend is that it feels like a power dynamic imbalance- that the friend is making sure you are doing the right thing or doing a good job at being human. Therapy contains a power dynamic and having that in friendships has always made me feel overly analyzed and infantalized.
It can also make things feel so cold and clinical. I had someone leave my life and to have the convo about it went immediately into this mode.. it was just horrible.
yeah my brother does therapy speak and I've recently just been turning it back around on him. Not the healthiest way to solve it, but it definitely felt good to see him get mad in passive aggressive therapy speak.
Yeah, sometimes friends can go into therapy bot mode and it does not feel like you are talking to a person anymore, they are just giving you the Things To Say To Someone When They Are BLANK script and not actually engaging with you as themselves because they are maybe too focused on saying the right things. Sometimes, you just need to vent and have some humour and commiseration in a light-hearted way.
Good luck to the question writer, I do recommend stating aloud and very intentionally what you want to change, and if you don't see it happening or that they don't understand or endeavor to meet you there. . downshift into "activity friends"- like, "I go with her to movies (no talking in the theatre) and then we chat about the movie in the car afterwards" or, "this is my friend who I go to yoga class and brunch afterwards" or making sure to hang out with an additional person. That way, you can spend time together in situations that are less irritating or upsetting and you can retain a bond, and maybe make new dynamics and memories. as time goes on, you can keep the door open to shifting feelings and expectations. like Maybe she will get it and be more open to understanding your POV etc. Love you two!
Gabe, have you considered your relationship with chaos? Why is having “wild stories” an important aspect of your identity? I’m all for all the fun in the world but by mid 30s, if you are regularly finding yourself amongst chaos in that way, it might be worth evaluating
Me: “Wow, Gabe knows RL Stine? That’s so cool! How did that come about?” Also me: “of course Gabe got introduced to Bret Easton Ellis by porn stars. That makes total sense.”
I know it’s a far stretch to armchair diagnose someone from what their friend wrote about them to a podcast…. But as someone who is autistic, the friend could be displaying a number of autistic traits. Maybe therapy speak is their go-to script for emotional support. Maybe that’s a better example than her family modeled for her, so it’s just what she knows, or maybe therapy is a special interest of sorts for her. Establishing boundaries with them is still important, but sometimes understanding why a behavior is happening helps.
My mom: I know you had a bad experience, but you need to go back to therapy. Me to her after going back: *use terms I've learned to express my feelings and point out things she does or says to me, tell her she needs it too (she does). Mom: *refuses to go herself, changes subject, continues to say and do those things, genuinely has no idea why I'm annoyed and frustrated, blames therapy.
It seems like a fine line between friendship and councilor. For example, you two offer solutions and perspectives to one another all the time. I'd love to see you do a role play on friendship offerings and councilor offerings. What is the difference?
guitar so good. is it guitars plural? missed those so much! find that i can‘t tell a multitude of em apart which is devastating to me - think it‘s tough to build friendships when there‘s a good amount of compatibility and a good amount of incompatibility and the incompatibilities aren‘t- if a lot of them are circumstantial maybe due to lifechanges in flux! (true crime speak?) can see how someone maybe would default to therapy speak when they haven‘t fully worked out whatever gives them friction with the connection that they’re applying that on? feels like the two aren‘t on the same page when speaking to one another. not the bucket!
While I normally love your content, this one was a miss for me. As some of the other commenters noted, this segment felt surprisingly judgmental and mean-spirited. The title was also misleading; after listening, it doesn’t sound like the friend is trying to put on airs or psychoanalyze anybody, but rather in the process of learning how to use the new tools that they learned in therapy and incorporate them into her daily life and interactions with others. While she might be going about this in a clunky way, making fun of somebody’s journey to better themselves and incorporate the positive effects of therapy into their daily life just feels mean and immature. What bothered me the most about this segment was the laughing at and poking fun at the specific phrases that that person uses to try to spread positivity ("to fill one's bucket"), or phrases that that person uses to ask for support and help when feeling vulnerable ("I need you to be proud of me"). It honestly felt like borderline bullying, and it made my heart really sad. Without more information, the mature solution here should be to withhold judgment and talk earnestly with the friend--set aside time and tell her honestly what works and what doesn’t work for you in the way she is communicating. Praise her for her desire to spread the new positivity she is gaining in her life from therapy, and let her know that you know that she is coming from a good place of wanting to empower herself and others, but also be very honest in telling her how things feel for you, and what specific aspects of her new communication style are not working for you. Be clear, be honest, be specific, and be kind. If her response after that is antagonistic, or if she refuses to change and adapt, then perhaps there is justifiable reason to feel contempt, but to judge her prematurely and make fun of her like this just isn't right.
Very well said and I'm actually sad that this isn't one of the top comments. I only saw one other comment, apart from yours and my own, that points out the judgemental part of the video. I really hope that they see them, have some self reflection, and remove the video. Cause it really feels like bullying...
@busraterzi8189 I love this channel. I also have honestly been struggling with incorporating too much therapy speak into my language and can tell it's uncomfortable and clunky in some of my conversations. So for me it was helpful to hear their perspective in the video, but I also appreciate yalls comments advocating for the person who is doing the therapy speak because it helps me to have compassion for myself as I struggle with this too.
I think there's a lot of mental health content out there where they model how to have certain conversations. This is great and all, but people forget it's a MODEL, you should be adapting it for your own communication style or else you come across as a therapy-speaking robot.
Whoa I feel like this was so judgmental. Flagging that this person said that one of the things their friend was in therapy for was family stuff, my guess is this person has maybe been working on relational things in therapy and quite literally using the tools her therapist in her relationships. And like most things when people are new to something it can be kinda clunky and awkward. Who knows why they stopped being friends for two years but I do feel like that’s probably an important context to this. And I do agree that therapizing your friend can be bad but also it doesn’t actually sound like that’s what’s happening. It sounds like she’s also using these tools to ask for what she needs/wants in a moment and it happened to be an ask that this person found to be cringe. Anyways I know writing in to this show it is often done earnestly or with levity but Jesus Christ just talk to your friend ab this (and it doesn’t have to be using her language against her! Like What??? lmao) instead of talking to strangers on the internet who are gonna laugh at her. It’s reminiscent of people that talk shit about their partners (who have no idea) on Reddit vibes.
I felt so judged by Gabe in this video. I'm a physicist, a scientist. And I'm also very interested in psychology. The interest started to gain tools to manage my depression. Then evolved to understanding relationships better, then evolved to understanding human nature as a whole better. I'm also an introvert. Even though I have many wonderful friends, thankfully, I don't get to see or talk to most of them on a regular basis. I mention these because when you spend so much time with science but not so much time with having "normal/casual" conversation, science language can bleed into your way of communication whether you like it or not. I've always used physics language since I started my major ten years ago. Again, thankfully I had so many wonderful friends who accepted the way I am. But in the last 4 years, I also use "therapy/psychology language" sometimes. While it can be unconsciously, it's also because none of my friends are in therapy, they don't really read about psychology and I feel the need to share the experience and the knowledge when I believe it would benefit them. I know it can be a bit much sometimes. Because recently I talked with a friend who I haven't spoken in 3 months. I gave a lot of advice and perspective about her recent breakup. And even though I didn't start giving them without getting a permission first, at one point she said "Can you hang your scientist coat for a bit and talk to me as my friend?". I laughed and said "of course" and tried my best to respect their wishes. I actually don't know if I did a good job with it. And I totally understand if this new me is a bit much for them, so our ways grow apart from each other. But I didn't become this person overnight and I don't see any self respecting reason to change at the moment. I have reasons for being the way I am and I am content with myself. And I know what I'm talking about is in a very different context, but the judgement started before there was any context. And I think it is disrespectful and hurtful to the person being mentioned on the e-mail. When Allison said "Funny that you're my friend" around 7.25, Gabe replied with "You're doing it really though"?? How do you know the other persons intentions? How do you know they are not doing it for real, like Allison? What would it make you if this person turns out to be understanding and then resolve their communication? You only have a part of the one perspective, and you are already making assumptions. So much prejudice...
Sorry fam. I need to ask as a fan of JBU of 20 years. Why is Gabe calling women "girlies"? In my context his language is mind bogglingly sexist. Is this an LA thing? As a UK northern girl, I would barely tolerate this from an 70 year old. If a thirty something man called me 'girlie', it is beyond offensive. I really want there to be context i'm not familiar with.
"girlies" is used in the lgbt community as a gender neutral term. ppl in the lgbt community (gay/bi men especially) call everyone "girl," especially other gay/bi men. girlies is just that. it's used mostly among gen z women and lgbt ppl
@SpookyStag2015 Ah, good to know. Not something that's crossed the pond (at least up north) but our circle is firmly elder millennial. It was starting to upset me a bit.
Its definitely a modern american thing. Idk its just one area or all over the USA but I've noticed a lot of north american content creators nowadays say girlies. They mean in in a friendly manner, like how they use "girlfrend" to mean a friend who is female who they are close to. It's meant to be like bonding and inclusive, the exact opposite of how sexist men use it. Like the other person said I've noticed it tends to be more lgbt people, or left leaning people who say it.
I've never questioned the couch before but... I am feeling incredibly defensive against the idea of potentially getting rid of it. Long live the couch.
Currently watching from Lebanon, where we just had another sonic boom from Israeli war planes, and thinking about how glad I am to have found you both over a decade ago and how grateful I am to you for making your views on the war clear, even though you don’t usually discuss politics on the show. There are so many creators that I’ve had to stop watching because of their problematic views, but JBU remains a safe space for me that brings me comfort and distraction from all the heartache and anxiety that have characterized the past 10 months. So thank you, love you, and love the watermelon tattoo, Gabe ❤
Sending so much love
Gabe started absolutely cooking about therapy lingo. i think something you have always nailed as a duo is knowing when to let the other person go off and this was one of those moments
Gabe's character development over the years is my favorite thing
Right?! Love who he's become over the years
What bothers me about people using therapy mode with a friend is that it feels like a power dynamic imbalance- that the friend is making sure you are doing the right thing or doing a good job at being human. Therapy contains a power dynamic and having that in friendships has always made me feel overly analyzed and infantalized.
Yes!!! It’s almost always felt condescending, to me
This makes so much sense. Thank you for explaining that
It can also make things feel so cold and clinical. I had someone leave my life and to have the convo about it went immediately into this mode.. it was just horrible.
yeah my brother does therapy speak and I've recently just been turning it back around on him. Not the healthiest way to solve it, but it definitely felt good to see him get mad in passive aggressive therapy speak.
Yeah, sometimes friends can go into therapy bot mode and it does not feel like you are talking to a person anymore, they are just giving you the Things To Say To Someone When They Are BLANK script and not actually engaging with you as themselves because they are maybe too focused on saying the right things. Sometimes, you just need to vent and have some humour and commiseration in a light-hearted way.
"I used to be so fun. Now i'm so boring."
"You go out all the time and you do dr0gz"
"So?"
😂
is the therapy working or not ahahahahaha SO TRUE
God y’all always upload late at night I love it
Good luck to the question writer, I do recommend stating aloud and very intentionally what you want to change, and if you don't see it happening or that they don't understand or endeavor to meet you there. . downshift into "activity friends"- like, "I go with her to movies (no talking in the theatre) and then we chat about the movie in the car afterwards" or, "this is my friend who I go to yoga class and brunch afterwards" or making sure to hang out with an additional person.
That way, you can spend time together in situations that are less irritating or upsetting and you can retain a bond, and maybe make new dynamics and memories. as time goes on, you can keep the door open to shifting feelings and expectations. like Maybe she will get it and be more open to understanding your POV etc.
Love you two!
Gabe, have you considered your relationship with chaos? Why is having “wild stories” an important aspect of your identity? I’m all for all the fun in the world but by mid 30s, if you are regularly finding yourself amongst chaos in that way, it might be worth evaluating
Me: “Wow, Gabe knows RL Stine? That’s so cool! How did that come about?”
Also me: “of course Gabe got introduced to Bret Easton Ellis by porn stars. That makes total sense.”
I know it’s a far stretch to armchair diagnose someone from what their friend wrote about them to a podcast…. But as someone who is autistic, the friend could be displaying a number of autistic traits. Maybe therapy speak is their go-to script for emotional support. Maybe that’s a better example than her family modeled for her, so it’s just what she knows, or maybe therapy is a special interest of sorts for her.
Establishing boundaries with them is still important, but sometimes understanding why a behavior is happening helps.
I was curious about the same
My mom: I know you had a bad experience, but you need to go back to therapy.
Me to her after going back: *use terms I've learned to express my feelings and point out things she does or says to me, tell her she needs it too (she does).
Mom: *refuses to go herself, changes subject, continues to say and do those things, genuinely has no idea why I'm annoyed and frustrated, blames therapy.
It seems like a fine line between friendship and councilor. For example, you two offer solutions and perspectives to one another all the time. I'd love to see you do a role play on friendship offerings and councilor offerings. What is the difference?
guitar so good. is it guitars plural? missed those so much! find that i can‘t tell a multitude of em apart which is devastating to me - think it‘s tough to build friendships when there‘s a good amount of compatibility and a good amount of incompatibility and the incompatibilities aren‘t- if a lot of them are circumstantial maybe due to lifechanges in flux! (true crime speak?) can see how someone maybe would default to therapy speak when they haven‘t fully worked out whatever gives them friction with the connection that they’re applying that on? feels like the two aren‘t on the same page when speaking to one another. not the bucket!
Gabe's shirt 🔥🔥
They should print out the letter and read it to their friend instead of writing into an advice show and letting strangers be kinda mean about it.
0:13 😁
Firet
While I normally love your content, this one was a miss for me. As some of the other commenters noted, this segment felt surprisingly judgmental and mean-spirited. The title was also misleading; after listening, it doesn’t sound like the friend is trying to put on airs or psychoanalyze anybody, but rather in the process of learning how to use the new tools that they learned in therapy and incorporate them into her daily life and interactions with others. While she might be going about this in a clunky way, making fun of somebody’s journey to better themselves and incorporate the positive effects of therapy into their daily life just feels mean and immature. What bothered me the most about this segment was the laughing at and poking fun at the specific phrases that that person uses to try to spread positivity ("to fill one's bucket"), or phrases that that person uses to ask for support and help when feeling vulnerable ("I need you to be proud of me"). It honestly felt like borderline bullying, and it made my heart really sad.
Without more information, the mature solution here should be to withhold judgment and talk earnestly with the friend--set aside time and tell her honestly what works and what doesn’t work for you in the way she is communicating. Praise her for her desire to spread the new positivity she is gaining in her life from therapy, and let her know that you know that she is coming from a good place of wanting to empower herself and others, but also be very honest in telling her how things feel for you, and what specific aspects of her new communication style are not working for you. Be clear, be honest, be specific, and be kind. If her response after that is antagonistic, or if she refuses to change and adapt, then perhaps there is justifiable reason to feel contempt, but to judge her prematurely and make fun of her like this just isn't right.
Very well said and I'm actually sad that this isn't one of the top comments. I only saw one other comment, apart from yours and my own, that points out the judgemental part of the video. I really hope that they see them, have some self reflection, and remove the video. Cause it really feels like bullying...
@busraterzi8189 I love this channel. I also have honestly been struggling with incorporating too much therapy speak into my language and can tell it's uncomfortable and clunky in some of my conversations. So for me it was helpful to hear their perspective in the video, but I also appreciate yalls comments advocating for the person who is doing the therapy speak because it helps me to have compassion for myself as I struggle with this too.
I think there's a lot of mental health content out there where they model how to have certain conversations. This is great and all, but people forget it's a MODEL, you should be adapting it for your own communication style or else you come across as a therapy-speaking robot.
Who are u guys voting for this Nov?
Whoa I feel like this was so judgmental. Flagging that this person said that one of the things their friend was in therapy for was family stuff, my guess is this person has maybe been working on relational things in therapy and quite literally using the tools her therapist in her relationships. And like most things when people are new to something it can be kinda clunky and awkward. Who knows why they stopped being friends for two years but I do feel like that’s probably an important context to this. And I do agree that therapizing your friend can be bad but also it doesn’t actually sound like that’s what’s happening. It sounds like she’s also using these tools to ask for what she needs/wants in a moment and it happened to be an ask that this person found to be cringe. Anyways I know writing in to this show it is often done earnestly or with levity but Jesus Christ just talk to your friend ab this (and it doesn’t have to be using her language against her! Like What??? lmao) instead of talking to strangers on the internet who are gonna laugh at her. It’s reminiscent of people that talk shit about their partners (who have no idea) on Reddit vibes.
I felt so judged by Gabe in this video. I'm a physicist, a scientist. And I'm also very interested in psychology. The interest started to gain tools to manage my depression. Then evolved to understanding relationships better, then evolved to understanding human nature as a whole better. I'm also an introvert. Even though I have many wonderful friends, thankfully, I don't get to see or talk to most of them on a regular basis. I mention these because when you spend so much time with science but not so much time with having "normal/casual" conversation, science language can bleed into your way of communication whether you like it or not. I've always used physics language since I started my major ten years ago. Again, thankfully I had so many wonderful friends who accepted the way I am. But in the last 4 years, I also use "therapy/psychology language" sometimes. While it can be unconsciously, it's also because none of my friends are in therapy, they don't really read about psychology and I feel the need to share the experience and the knowledge when I believe it would benefit them. I know it can be a bit much sometimes. Because recently I talked with a friend who I haven't spoken in 3 months. I gave a lot of advice and perspective about her recent breakup. And even though I didn't start giving them without getting a permission first, at one point she said "Can you hang your scientist coat for a bit and talk to me as my friend?". I laughed and said "of course" and tried my best to respect their wishes. I actually don't know if I did a good job with it. And I totally understand if this new me is a bit much for them, so our ways grow apart from each other. But I didn't become this person overnight and I don't see any self respecting reason to change at the moment. I have reasons for being the way I am and I am content with myself. And I know what I'm talking about is in a very different context, but the judgement started before there was any context. And I think it is disrespectful and hurtful to the person being mentioned on the e-mail. When Allison said "Funny that you're my friend" around 7.25, Gabe replied with "You're doing it really though"?? How do you know the other persons intentions? How do you know they are not doing it for real, like Allison? What would it make you if this person turns out to be understanding and then resolve their communication? You only have a part of the one perspective, and you are already making assumptions. So much prejudice...
The reason is literally in your own message
@@galaxychar I don't understand your reply. Can you elaborate?
2nd
Sorry fam. I need to ask as a fan of JBU of 20 years. Why is Gabe calling women "girlies"? In my context his language is mind bogglingly sexist. Is this an LA thing? As a UK northern girl, I would barely tolerate this from an 70 year old. If a thirty something man called me 'girlie', it is beyond offensive.
I really want there to be context i'm not familiar with.
"girlies" is used in the lgbt community as a gender neutral term. ppl in the lgbt community (gay/bi men especially) call everyone "girl," especially other gay/bi men. girlies is just that. it's used mostly among gen z women and lgbt ppl
@SpookyStag2015 Ah, good to know. Not something that's crossed the pond (at least up north) but our circle is firmly elder millennial. It was starting to upset me a bit.
Its definitely a modern american thing. Idk its just one area or all over the USA but I've noticed a lot of north american content creators nowadays say girlies.
They mean in in a friendly manner, like how they use "girlfrend" to mean a friend who is female who they are close to. It's meant to be like bonding and inclusive, the exact opposite of how sexist men use it.
Like the other person said I've noticed it tends to be more lgbt people, or left leaning people who say it.
Why are ya'll always sitting on that damn couch?
I've never questioned the couch before but... I am feeling incredibly defensive against the idea of potentially getting rid of it.
Long live the couch.
Most sit down youtubers have a regular location, or even set, that they film in.
how dare you