Good grief! What I learned from loss | Elaine Mansfield | TEDxChemungRiver
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- Опубліковано 8 гру 2014
- This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. There is power in grieving intentionally and purposefully. Telling her own story of loss, Elaine Mansfield explains the use of ritual as a tool for empowerment for life’s most challenging times.
Elaine Mansfield is a writer and bereavement educator who has lived on land overlooking the Seneca Lake Valley since 1972. She leads bereavement groups and workshops, and writes for Hospicare and Palliative Care of Tompkins County. Her writing reflects her forty years as a student of Jungian psychology, mythology, meditation and nature. Until 2011, she was a nutrition and exercise counselor. Since her husband’s death in 2008, her work has focused on healing, finding meaning, and creating a new life after loss. Elaine’s book “Leaning into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief” was published by Larson Publications in October 2014. The poet Naomi Shihab Nye wrote, “This magnificent, profoundly moving book gives encouragement and solace to all.” Elaine writes a weekly blog about life’s adventures and lessons at elainemansfield.com/blog.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
I lost my sister today and searched "grief" in UA-cam. I'm thankful I came across your video and wise words. While this wound aches, I already feel myself becoming kinder and more wise.
I'm glad you found it, too. These transitions that soften the sharp edges of our heart can be slow and hard. I hope you have good support. On days when I'm struggling with grief, I look around at other people and say to myself, "All these people are suffering from their wounds. We're all in this human mess together." I understand a little of what you're going through because my brother died one year ago. Wishing you well in every way.
Grief is pain. You cannot hold pain too long before it becomes depression. Grief has a time. After weeks or few months The healing should start.
I lost my 18 years old daughter on 12 June 2018 .My 21 years old son and I also in great pain I can't imagine that my daughter is not in this world.
@@anupamsaxena529 So so sorry for your loss.I know what you are feeling
@@anupamsaxena529 I'm so sorry you no longer have your daughter at your side. I don't know if this will help you, but I feel the ones I love who have died in my heart. They're still alive in my inner worlds and I find the memories comforting--and I still grieve and light candles for them. I tell myself, "This is the way my Love feels now"--and this also comforts me although it doesn't magically heal my grief. It just makes it feel like part of human experience.
Coincidentally, my mother got the same diagnosis of stage 4 lymphoma after what appeared to be an extended flu. She overcame what her oncologists said was an approx. 5% statistical chance of survival. Amazingly, she achieved remission for over 10 years and died last Oct. Two months after my mother died, my wife got a random kidney infection that, to everyone's incredible shock, turned into kidney failure and then death. She was still a young woman. I went from taking her to the ER with kidney pains and a fever to her death in 35 days. Grieving two deaths (of two people I adored) is a full-time job. When my mother died, I basically lost my father too. My parents were as close as they get and the future does not look good for my poor father. I'm going to a grief-counselor and trying to deal with loss in a healthy way. I'm struggling like hell to do the best I can. Videos, like this one, help me too. Grief is like anything else in life. You learn from others with experience in it. Best wishes to all.
Oh, James. I can't imagine the weight of the load you carry. I'm glad your mom lived as long as she did and hope she had a good life during that long remission. Your experience with your wife adds grief and shock on top of deep grief. Then there's your dad. All my words seem feeble next to what you're going through. Death teaches us over and over again that we're not in charge, that life is a temporary and unpredictable, and that we can get through another day with our aching heart. I'm glad you're going to grief counselor.
I also found grief to be a full time job--for about a year. I spent many hours outside in the forest and also with friends, but no matter how I twisted and turned, there was no way to escape those raw feelings. I had to live through them and learn to carry them. I assume you've read C.S. Lewis, 'A Grief Observed.' I found it one of the most helpful of all grief books because he didn't try to fix anything. I'm glad you know how to reach out to learn from others. Wishing you well. Wishing you strength. Wishing you a sense of spring renewal.
Love and grief are a package deal.
Yes, they are--and I say yes to love anyway.
I knew this way back when I was a youngster and the road I have chosen can be traced way back to my early 20s. I couldn't deal with it when people I knew relatives, friends would break up with their boyfriends, girlfriends. I felt a deep sense of loss when they left my life. I began to isolate and have been on that road ever since. The fewer connections I make the less grief I go through in life. My mother is the last person in my life who I had a real close connection to and she is in her final days after suffering at least two terrible debilitating strokes. I know what it feels like to live a completely lonely isolated existence now. I'm coming to terms with it.
As far as this Ted Talk goes I'm very nonplussed. I get the impression her motivation to give this talk is to help herself get over her loss
@@elainemansfield4353 There is nothing that can top the love we have for our Spouse.
And, nothing that can make us as miserable as loosing them.
@@Rooster1508 Yes. I wouldn't give up the 42 years I had with my husband for anything. What a gift it was--which makes it all the harder to have it in past tense. We live in a culture that doesn't discuss death and grief, so we're completely unprepared when we face it. Somehow, we get through one day, one minute at a time. I got through it by being grateful for the love we shared. When the waves of grief came, I said to myself, "Thank you for the Love."
Grief can be overwhelming to the point of frozen. Especially without a support system. Thank you so much for sharing.
I agree. We need to get our support systems in place--and those people may be different from the ones we felt close to in the past. Some friends disappeared, but others showed up during my husband's illness and stuck around after his death. I also had adult sons, my brother, a therapist (every other week), writing groups, and hospice bereavement groups. It's too hard to go through grief alone. In the past, it was a shared community-supported experience. We can make it that way again.
🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️
I just lost my mom last week, she too was my everything Sofia. No one knew me like she did, and no one will. She lived with me these past 4 1/2 yrs. and people say I was " a good daughter." I just gave her back all she gave to me my whole life. I can't imagine this heart feeling whole ever again. Death and this amount of pain makes me question everything in this life. I hope with every breath I have left I see her, my dad and brother one day. May we all find peace~
I'm deeply sorry, NelliRae. Your grief is raw and young. I'm sure it's a heavy burden right now--and I hope you have good support from friends, family, or bereavement counselors. You will forever be glad for all you gave your mom and (at least this is my experience) she will stay very close to your heart. We grieve for their living bodies, but in time, along with noticing all the things we miss so desperately, we also notice that all the love we felt for them is still in our hearts. When we notice that, our hearts become more compassionate toward others and towards ourselves. I wish you healing love.
My twin sister died 19 years ago. I still keep her purse and her eyeglasses. It reassures me that I am carrying on for her.
I get it, Betty. I still visit my husband's gravesite often because it makes me feel connected to the love we shared. It's a gift each time. Take good care of yourself and carry your sister wherever you go.
My husband died a month and a half ago. Just before Thanksgiving and his favorite holiday, Christmas. I carry his cell phone with me. I pay the bill for both our phones. It seemed crazy but now I think maybe it isn't so crazy. Thank you
If it helps you and connects you to love, it isn't crazy at all. I wrote about canceling my husband's cell phone. Both the Verizon worker and I were sobbing because it turned out her mom had just died. Our open hearts change everyone we come in contact with. Blessings to you.
It’s not crazy. I understand. Your comment made me cry.
My father died out of nowhere two weeks ago, and I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt that it's partially my fault. He was complaining of chest pains but I didn't take it seriously, was gonna take him to the hospital but on the way he said he felt better so we went back home. Not even an hour later he said his chest pains were back. He drove himself to the hospital alone. I realized too late that I really needed to take it seriously and go with him. I didn't have a phone, so I couldn't call the hospital and didn't have a car so I couldn't drive there. Hours went by an he didn't come back. I messaged my brother to call the hospital. He called me back ten minutes later, a nurse told him that my dad had died of heart failure. He died alone and scared because I didn't go with him, because I didn't realize the severity of it. The grief is so intense every day that sometimes I feel like I could die from it. I have no more family now, and am losing my home and will be homeless soon. I don't possibly know how to begin to cope with the intense grief that I feel.
Miss Death You can't blame yourself and I know 100% that your Dad would not want you to feel this way. It isn't your fault. Psalms 139:16 clearly states that our life everyday is measured, meaning God knows the exact time that we will die. He knows when He's going to call us home. There is nothing you can do to extend your life span [or someone else's] one-tenth of a second. ❤❤❤
My heart breaks for you. (Sometimes when I look under comments here, I see the reply I sent you weeks ago, but sometimes it's missing. Tonight, it's gone again, so I'll send a second message. I hope you received my first reply.) I'm so sorry this happened to you and your dad. It's such a hard situation. Around death and so much else, we are not in control of what happens and we often don't know that death has arrived until it's too late. My son went overseas four days before his dad died and didn't make it home on time. It's hard for him to forgive himself, but he did not know. We did not know. I hope you have support from friends and from professionals experienced with bereavement issues. My hospice allows anyone to attend bereavement groups or see counselors, but that's not true for all hospice groups. There are often other community resources if you call a mental health clinic and ask. Of course, you did not know and your dad knew that just as much as you do. He knew you loved him. You can talk to those who have died, because they are in your heart. We can write letters telling them of our anguish--and it helps ease the pain. There are many things you can do, but I hope you reach out for help in going through this. You don't have to do this alone.
We do not come into this world with a handbook. We learn as we go mostly and make mistakes. I think though that if we take what we think was an error in judgement (even if it was such a painful one) and use it to be a better person and we can all be better, then that will help the sorrow you feel greatly. Whenever a person needs you to listen and use critical judgement you will be there for them. When ever there is an opportunity for you to comfort someone and provide help you will be better at it than most because you learned the hard way. You could save a life or at least hold someone's hand when they need it even if they don't say so because you have learned to go the extra mile. Life gives us many chances to help and be a caring person so try to focus on that and move forward. Now that close family is gone you can give to others. Love should extend beyond our own personal circle, I think. Turn your grief into action and even if you still have bad days that will help. Blessings.
I hope you're ok.
Miss Death I can't imagine your pain. I lost my mom five months ago and my dad eleven months before that.I guess I'm in complicated grief, can't let go, hard to move on.There is no perfect way to lose them. Death sucks. Even if you tried to do everything right, you'd still have regrets like me. The Bible says our days are numbered in His book before there is one of them. It's so easy to say please don't feel guilty, Even though you should not, I would probably feel the same. But your dear father could have insisted on going let's just say as another scenario. If it were the other way around you would not want him to feel bad like you do. Pray for peace that passes all understanding.I truly hope you have gotten peace and forgive yourself for being human.You would have taken him if you knew. I get chest pains and never go to hospital. Pray to forgive yourself. Grief is hard enough without guilt. Join griefshare.com Blessings
I did a similar thing after my husband died .He had kept, in a jar, the petals of the first rose I ever gave him. I put that in his coffin along with a fresh rose, the last I'll ever give him. He loved The Golden Girls, so in the coffin went the DVD of the last season of the show. And last, something very personal between the two of us, which I will not divulge here. It helped me to do those things.
I'm glad you found a way to soothe your grief. It helps--and we still hurt because it's hard to not be with those we love.
…my love died 2 weeks ago…I will always love him…he lives in my heart
I'm sure you will. I feel the same about my husband who died in 2008. He's always right here in my heart. Wishing you comfort and peace.
@@elainemansfield4353 …thank you for your kind words….
@@rositahuff4858 Please get all the support you need. There are great online support groups at Grief Healing and David Kessler. Hospice in my area offers free support groups whether or not the person who died was a Hospice patient. We don't have to do this alone. Blessings.
I lost my Mom to cancer at the same time peak of Corona Virus...unfortunately I was not able to give my beloved Mom a proper funeral. In my heart I told myself it’s ok...when it’s her time to go to Temple later this year to her final resting place . For service family and friends will be there. Temple calls it is closed to public ritual/ceremony will only be privately. All the rituals that should have been has been taken away from me. I am totally devastated.
I'm so sorry. I've thought often about how hard this time is for families and for those who are dying. I wonder if you can imagine something new about what a proper funeral might be. The most meaningful memorial for me was with just my sons in our woods 2 months after my husband died. The more formal memorial days after his death was a blur because I was still shocked. Our family ritual was full of meaningful acts, carefully chosen readings, and open tears. Twelve years later, I hold a ritual for my husband every year on his death date--often alone now, but sometimes with a friend or one of my sons. One son who lives 500 miles away always creates his own memorial to his dad in a special place with photos, flowers, and memories. I can imagine why you feel devastated and that what you want and imagined has been taken away. I hope you can imagine this as an opportunity, one you didn't ask for, to create a meaningful memorial for your mom now and in the future. I call this style personal ritual and it never ends for me. Sending you love and solace.
My mom died last week after 3 years of living with cancer. We lived toguether and our live was full of rituals, and so her death is. She wanted us (family and friends) to have a party after her death, "drink red wine, eat cheese and chocolates, listen to my music, laugh, tell stories", she said. And so we did.
During her "life celebrating party" a close family friend asked me the natural question "how are you doing?" I answered right away this "I'm sad, of course, but I am missing her, not suffering her"
I do not know is she can see me from somewhere or if her spirit is out there dancing in some other dimension, but I know one thing, the love we share with people that leave us, does continue living and working his magic through all that small things and rituals that connected us. That is what I call love, little connections that make us belive in something bigger than our existence.
I love your speech and I'm truly grateful to have found it. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful and sad experience, Daniela. I wonder if you'd be interested in a website I just suggested to another young griever: Modern Loss modernloss.com There are many articles about parent loss and it sounds like you'll have something important to add. Your mom sounds like an incredible honest and strong woman. Grief experiences can go on a long time, so I hope you have a supportive community or will reach out for one. Hospice bereavement is a good place to begin.
October seemed like it dragged on and on and on, but now that it's November 1st, I'm in utter disbelief. How has it been a month since two of the biggest blessings of my life were born? How has it been one month since one of the best and worst days of my life happened?
If you are a mother, you play the "what if" game often. I constantly think "what if I had just made it another week? Would they have had a chance then?" "What if I had went to the doctor sooner when I started having pains? Could they have done surgery earlier? Would they have had a better chance?" It's a game that will break your heart into a million pieces and drive your mind insane, but it's a game that you can never stop playing.
I've come to realize one of the hardest things in life is wanting something you can never have. I would do anything to kiss my boys faces one more time. Anything. Seriously anything. There's a strong and miserable ache inside my heart that I never even knew could exist. Most days I feel like people distant themselves from me because they don't know what to do or say, so they just stay away. I've started to feel as if people don't want to be around be as much because my smile and laugh seem to be almost broken. Even when I manage to achieve one, it seems forced and awkward.
I'm sorry to all the ones who have ever lost some one. I'm sorry for not understanding the pain. I'm sorry for dancing around conversations of your loved one, when I now understand that's all you dream to talk about. I'm just really sorry anyone on this earth has to burden this pain.
Today not only will I pray for my boys and our family, but I will pray for all of you that have lost someone and know the heartbreak and ache for what will never be. If I could hug everyone single one of you, I would. I would listen to you go on and on about your favorite parts of your loved one. I would sit beside you and hold your hand while you cried and not give out one ounce of pressure to hurry through your breakdown. I would tell you that I truly care about what you've gone through and that I understand you'll never be the same and that it's okay to not be the same. Today I will pray for you in honor of my sweet babies Thatcher and Sebastian. 💙💙
Mommy misses you more and more each day Thatch and Bash. 💙
This must be impossibly painful--and yet you must endure and even grow from this hard experience. It's so true that we often don't know how to help others who grieve until we've been there. I hope you're finding support from people who have been there. You might find a group for women who have lost children (there are many such groups on line and perhaps where you live). It's worth the effort to get in touch with them. They'll get it and they'll be there for you for as long as you need them. You could ask at a local hospice (even if you haven't been involved with them before), at a mental health center, or at your doctor's office. Somewhere there's a support person or a group that will stand by you. After my husband's death, I needed to talk to other women who had been through deep grief and survived. I'm sure the ache of grief and love are with you every moment. Sending you blessings and love.
Katie, you are a beautiful soul. You are a blessing on this planet.
How did you lose your boys, how old were they. In october 1 year ago I lost my 3 year oldboy to cancer. It was long painful chemo at the end his little body left us at home on the sofa.
I am in an immense pain, I have no idea how I will live the rest of my life without my precious, gentle boy.
Polona It will take time , you will learn your beautiful boy is living through you and always will🙏❤️ Sending you love , strength and peace🙏❤️
I know it’s 4years late but what you wrote is beautiful and painful and I feel the pain am crying as I write , i lost my daughter in November, can’t handle it, the pain cuts to deep so sorry for your pain and loss
Grief is my new reality. I lost my mother and my significant other at the same time. Very comforting video thank You 🙏🏼
My mother was always a melancholical soul. She used to say it was because she lost her mother at the age of 12. It was way to earlier she said. I remember I was very little and I got home from a beautiful summer day and I ran to my mother to tell her everything. She was lying in bed, staring the ceiling. I could tell her she was crying. She told everything was fine. She was just sad. It turn out to be that her boss was dead. She was too good, I remembered her. but she was gone and I couldnt understand.
When I was 14, I got a call that my uncle had died. It was asked me to give the news to my mum. I told her, we hugged, we cried. I understood death differently that day.
2 years ago, it was my mother who passed away. I never though i could feel such pain. My mother is everything to me. I dreamt about her every night, for six months. I would dream with her staring at me. Just walking. Sleeping. Just simple tasks. All night. Till this day, every random thing reminds me of her and I think how different it would .have been if she was with me.
Last month, another uncle of mine, her brother, died from cancer. And I re-live everything. But this time I knew what was grief. Today, I lost my cousin. He was 18. I'm 20, and I feel like I faced death very differently during my life. I learn beautiful things from grief. But now I'm revolted. Every "new" death, it's not "lived" as a single death or a single grief. Is re-living all the losses we had so far.
I'm confused, and it feels good to talk about it, to listen to another people's experiences with grief. And I talk to myself. I writte too. I tell myself how I feel and I accept those feelings. And its the one of the few things that feels good.
You've had to deal with so much grief at a young age, Sofia. I understand why you're confused and hurt. Your mom lost her mom so young and you lost yours too young. I wish I could give you a big hug. Writing is helpful and so is weeping. I wonder if you've looked into bereavement support from a hospice organization near you. They rarely require that the family member who died was associated with hospice, but they are grief experts. I'm a bereavement support person at my local hospice and we have lots of possibilities for grievers from private counseling to groups. Maybe this isn't possible or available where you are, but could you see a private counselor (if you have the money to do that) or call a local clinic or doctor's office where they can recommend help and support? It would be worth looking around. We all need support and community, and you've been through so much that others your age don't get. It helps to be with others, to express this unbearable pain, and know you aren't entirely alone. My last suggestion is that you visit a website called Modern Loss modernloss.com It's written by and for younger people who are dealing with loss and grief. There are many good articles about losing a parent and you might find a sense of community there..
Sofia Santos I'm 22 and my mom died when I was 17. The pain is still here even years later. It's hard.
I agree, Melannie. It's so hard. My dad died when I was 14 and my longing for him continued throughout life. I keep his photo in my bedroom to remind me of that love. Few of my friends knew what it meant to have a parent die--except one whose mother had died. She and I became sisters in grief. I hope you have friends and/or family who understand what you're going through.
celion dion
I'm sorry you've had to endure so much loss, Sofia. It's a blessing to be close to your mom--and it makes it all the harder when she's no longer at your side. I hope you find dreams comforting. I do, even when they make me weep, because I feel connected to the person I miss when I wake up. I hope you've found good people to talk with about your struggles. I often suggest contacting hospice to find bereavement groups or counselors, even if the person they're grieving for wasn't a hospice patience. Being angry and revolted is as normal as other responses to grief. It's a hard thing to accept, but I'm glad you know so clearly what you feel. It helps in the long run. May you have good people to talk with and a long period of rest and healing.
Thank you for being human.
I'm human, and I believe we can help each other by showing up. I apologize that youtube has not been forwarding messages so I just got your message today. I would have liked to show up a month ago. I hope you have excellent support.
Grief is the price we must pay for the love we have for the one who has gone from us.
Oh what a rotten deal!
I agree it is rotten and a terrible price to pay for love, but I think it would be so much worse to have never had that incredible love. I still feel supported by the love my husband and I shared, and he's been gone for 10 years. I feel saddest for those who have never had a deep lasting trusting love. I'm glad you had that even though the pain of losing it is so intense. So, so hard and it's been a short time for you.
@@elainemansfield4353 Thanks, maybe it will get better.
@@Rooster1508 For me, it was a slow process of moving the focus from my husband's physical absence to his continued presence in my heart and memory. I don't think there are any ways to do this quickly, but it's a good goal. It's one reason I create rituals.
@@elainemansfield4353 I don't know how you do it. I can't think of or speak of my Wife, for more than a few seconds without beginning to cry. I see her everywhere.
The particle physicists say that subatomic particles can become in-tangled in such a way that what one particle dose the other one must do. Can two people become so close that they become in-tangled at an elementary level? I Think So, feels like it to me.
The quote I think fits me best is:
"Oh, how miserable it is to have no one to share your sorrows and joys, and, when your heart is heavy, to have no soul to whom you can pour out your woes" Frederic Chopin
Perhaps as time goes on I will be able to stack new memories on top of the ones with her.
@@Rooster1508 I didn't know how to do it, although having a therapist to talk with helped. had to wait for life to work this out. I simply tried to feel what I felt which meant thinking about my husband constantly, dreaming about him, weeping throughout the day. I let grief lead the way and trusted that all humans had been through this since the beginning of time and had somehow survived. So I would survive, too. I didn't know how and had to wait through the misery. I agree with Chopin. It's an incredible gift and hard if not impossible to replace. I felt irritated when people said I would feel better in time--but they were right. I'm glad my husband still feels close to me in a supportive way. It all takes time. Wishing you well.
Grief is so different for us left behind...my son..37 ..2 hours before his birthday from a massive heart attack due to the stress caused by this pandemic....shock and sadness overwhelm me...this happened 3 months ago in August...the woman speaking is lucky to have been able to hold him in her arms for a last time....accomodate his hair and give him one last kiss....i don't know if i see grief in the same way as the speaker.....today,3 months later,i'm building on my tragedy and the loss of my beautiful son.....
Lynda, I can only imagine the shock and heart-break you're going through. Yes, I was fortunate to be at my husband's death, but I witnessed 2 years of physical and psychological suffering, so that was difficult. Yet, those hard years were a gift because we had time to say goodbye. We all see grief through our personal lens, but 12 years after my husband's death, he's still part of my inner world and my dream world. I think of him every day and he's part of me now. I rebuilt my life through writing, hospice work, and new intentions. I had to be patient with myself and let grief take its time and sometimes lead the way. I'm grateful I was given time and space to feel my losses. Sending you love, hope, and new beginnings as you learn to work with grief in your way, unique to your experience. I'm sorry for your tragedy and pain.
I lost my wife last month. Suddenly, without warning. We were together for 53 years.
She was my partner and my best friend. We shared everything.
With know one to share your joy, your misery, what is the meaning of life?
When I die It will be, in no small part from a broken heart.
I'm sorry, Rooster. I can't imagine how shocking that must have been and how shocking it still is. Even though I knew my husband was dying for a few years, it took over a year to get through that sense of shock. He was also my best friend and the person I could always trust. It's still hard for me after 10 years, but like so many others, I learned in time to help others deal with grief by volunteering at hospice, leading groups, giving talks, and being willing to talk grief, the unspoken and unacknowledged part of love. I hope you have a community of people who understand. If you don't, please contact your local hospice bereavement counselor. Most hospice groups are not limited to people whose loved one was a hospice patient and it's helpful for most of us to be around others who have been through it. I wish you comfort at a hard time.
@@TheTazzietiger Guess what I meant to say is that having a Partner and Friend with us gives meaning to our lives.
"Oh, how miserable it is to have no one to share your sorrows and joys, and,
when your heart is heavy, to have no soul to whom you can pour out your woes."
Frederic Chopin
As to what our lives mean in the end, well that's another question.
Thanks for your comment. It made me think about it a little more.
I feel this way too Rooster.... without someone to share life with now... why even go on? It seems so meaningless. Yet I know I have to keep going. How are you doing now? I am just so broken without my husband.
Even it has been 4yrs since I lost one of my younger sisters to suicide. Not a day goes by where I won't talk about her with my family. As if she were still here, which she is in the love and stories that we tell.
So this will be the 2nd death I've dealt with, my loving boyfriend and best friend of 6yrs. Suddenly passed on May 1st, he'd had an enlarged heart that we didn't know about, but no one thinks of health problems like that at 25. I know that there will be a time where I'll be able to look back at my time with him, without it being hard. But I know that I've got a very long road ahead of me.
It's hearing stories similar to mine that help give me some comfort in this journey of mine.
It makes me sad you've gone through such big losses in a short time. Your boyfriend's May 1st death is so recent and unexpected. I hope you're reaching out for plenty of support from friends or bereavement counsellors. It helps to have someone who understands a little of what you're going through. I don't think we ever leave these losses behind, especially sudden losses, but we learn to carry them along with us in our heart in a positive and supportive way and learn from them. It sounds like you know exactly how to do that. I'm grateful your family is supportive since the death of your sister and hope that support is still strong.
Whether grief is good or not I cannot tell. I know for sure that we need it. This is a way our mind prepares for a terrible loss. But I also know how painful it is. And sometimes it's just too painful to handle.
It's because grief is like love with nowhere to go.
I'm really happy I found this video. January 19th of last year I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. I was 19, now 20, and she was only 44. Although she had been sick, her death still felt sudden. She was diagnosed just 5 months prior to death, so the loss came before we could even fully process the illness. She was my favorite person in the universe and we shared a bond so special that I can't even begin to convey it through a keyboard. I always want to reach out and speak to her or look through her phone one more time to watch our videos together, or be open to signs from her. However, I have a mental block preventing me, because I'm terrified of opening this part up and facing the deep vulnerability and the painful feeling of fully accepting it. I just recently have started reaching out to talk with her, and finding support online through videos like these. Your words really spoke to me and I can tell I'll be thinking back to them often.
In 1996, I was 19 & my mom was my age now, 46. My heart goes out to you, it’s a loss you can with time, move forward from, but never move on. Keep your precious memories close.
Gosh I haven't been as strong as you and lost my parents and my sweetest man. my husband to cancer 3 yrs ago and never been the same. your a beautiful soul
I was sure I answered this, Teresa, but don't see my response here, so I'll try again. I'm so sorry you've lost so many you love dearly. I don't know about you, but when my brother died this year, I longed for my husband's support all over again. This talk happened six years after my husband died. It took a while to digest my experience and figure out what I learned from it. I hope you have supportive people around you. I'm sure you are plenty strong. We humans have always dealt with grief and somehow we find a way, but it helps if we're in community.
Elaine Mansfield Thank you for answering. No hon. I don't have no support and facing my own health problems. Yes things will make u greive all over again. So sorry for the loss of ur brother over a year ago. Your a brave strong person. God bless u
Teresa, I'm sorry you don't have support and that you're having health problems. If there is a hospice in your area,, they'll have grief support for you even if the person you're grieving for wasn't a hospice patient. It's worth a try. Wishing you well.
I am so so sad
no matter ...anyone says about grief...and about time...healing all wounds..the truth is,there...are certain sorrows...that will never heal..until the heart stops beating...and the last breath is taken..
I lost my wife last month. Suddenly, without warning. We were together for 53 years.
She was my partner and my best friend. We shared everything.
With know one to share your joy, your misery, what is the meaning of life?
When I die It will be, in no small part from a broken heart.
I agree. Somehow or other, we need to learn to carry the sorrow and grow from it. I believe it's made me a better person in many ways. That doesn't mean I'm happy about what happened, but my only choice now is to do the best I can by finding my own calling or helping others through hard times. Wishing you well, Dennis.
My father passed away last week. Thank you Elaine for your words. I will share the link with my mother also ♥️
I'm sorry, Jennifer. It's never easy to lose someone we love, a parent in your case. I think of your mom and the big change in her life. May you both be surrounded by loving support and people who know grieving is a natural part of love.
Strange how modern society strips us of so many intricate spiritual things. Its been pushed aside for external
stuff when situations like this can only be healed more from within ourselves.
Oh and great insight its given me a whole new perspective.
I'm so glad, Alen. We learn so much when we let ourselves experience the soulful lessons of death and grief. What I learned changed me forever--for the better.
While he was lost to death, she was lost to life 3:33!! This is very powerful!
I lost my dear son Jamie while he served active duty in the US Navy. I've been attending Grief Share group therapy and TAPS organization. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, seeing my baby in a box. I couldn't go through this journey without my family and Grief Share.
+Tracie T My heart aches for you and our family, Tracie. I am so sorry. I'm glad you have help with bereavement support. I can only imagine how hard this is. I'm grateful for your family and for Grief Share, too. No mother should have to go through this. I hope you keep asking for support no matter how long you need it. With love, Elaine
Tracie T a beautiful son. So sorry for your painful loss. Courageous mother of a son who served.
If you enjoyed my TEDx talk, you'll like my book 'Leaning into Love: A Personal Journey through Grief.' Go to Amazon or my website for many reviews of 'Leaning into Love.' An excerpt from the book is available at Amazon or Goodreads. Thank you.
I'm sorry. I have no specific advice to offer. In a general sense, if a grieving person wants/needs to change a place where they feel stuck, it can help to see an experienced therapist. Of course, that's completely up to her to decide.
I'm not qualified to help you. I'm sorry. It sounds difficult, but I can't help other than to wish you both well.
Elaine Mansfield thank you for your lovely speech. It has helped. My husband passed away 2 days after christmas. Its nice to be able to relate.. I mean its not nice due to the subject, but it helps knowing that what i am going through is understood by someone else in a different way. Thank you.
@@ghoulyghoul9266 I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you love, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my son jersey on may 24th 2020 during lockdown on a car accident he just turned 22 on his birthday, got hit by a drunk truck driver, that was the worst and most lamentable day of my life as a single Dad raising two kid's, my 13yr old daughter is my everything and the reason I keep strong, my late wife passed away 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! it'd be nice if you just say hi, here is my number +17866676668 or rather you can send me your gmail address so I could reach out on you.
I just lost my 27 yr old beautiful daughter and her baby Ariel. Thank you for sharing. Your husband was a very handsome man. You seemed to have a blessed relationship.
+JOHANNE'S DETECTING Thank you for sending a message. What a hard, hard experience you've had. I'm so sorry. I hope you have plenty of support or will find support if you don't have close family or friends who can help. If you're in the United States, most hospice groups have bereavement help for anyone, whether or not the person who died was a hospice patient. I did have a blessed relationship and I'm grateful for that every day. And, of course, I miss him.
This ted talk was sampled in an album that helped me deal with the sudden passing of my grandfather. It is nice to hear the whole thing
Thank you. I lost my husband on Friday night. April 19, 2024. It is so hard but I am planning his Celebration of life and this helps so much
Loss of a loved one is most painful... "Why should thou be sad and heartbroken? This separation is temporal; this remoteness and sorrow is counted only by days. Thou shalt find him in the Kingdom of God and thou wilt attain to the everlasting union. Physical companionship is ephemeral, but heavenly association is eternal. Whenever thou rememberest the eternal and never ending union, thou wilt be comforted and blissful."
-‘Abdu’l-Bahá. Baha'i Faith
I agree, Francis. Thank you for the quote and the perspective which I know well. As someone who works with bereaved people, I also understand that part of us is heartbroken which doesn't mean we don't have faith. We miss the physical presence, perhaps the laughter, perhaps the shared memories and warm hugs. So, the Eternal perspective is here and calls us to that higher view--along with the personal longing and grief. I honor both in myself and in others. Blessings to you.
God bless everyone with light and healing through their pain. Love is spirit everyone born from. Matter of spirit anatomy. Love is energy. Energy is never destroyed. Changes from one form to another. I pray for deep rest & peace inside broken hearts.
Love remains.
I lost my Mother one year ago and have never been the same, I feel haunteby the memories of her suffer from cancer. I really want to heal from this so much
I'm sorry you're suffering and that your mom suffered. It's sobering and upsetting to see someone we love ravaged by cancer and it can shake us to the core. Have you tried talking to bereavement counselors (available for free at hospice in my part of the world, but not everywhere)? Or friends who have also grieved for someone close to them? I find it helpful to create ritual for myself and create ritual with friends--just remembering who is gone and lighting a candle for them. It also helped to reach out to others who know this struggle (I volunteer at hospice) because we're all in the same rough boat. Eventually, the memories of suffering yield to memories of love, but it can take time. I hope you have or will look for someone to lean on and talk to. Keep wishing for healing. It will come. Blessings.
Thank you very much Elaine, you have given me some good ideas. I will look for bereavement counseling and I like the idea of lighting a candle for her. Bless you.
Asian Cinema Geek I experience the same. My mother died of cancer a year and a half ago. The worst part is remembering how she hurt and suffered with no relief. She is pain free now by the Great Healer. I hope you remember the love more than the pain. Prayers for all of us motherless daughters and sons. ❤️
My mom will die by her own free will tomorrow, having suffered cancer for thee years. She's an oasis in a dessert, my best friend, and I'm terrified of losing here and of being haunted by the memories of her suffering. I've lived with her and took care of her for three years for which I'm very grateful. But I would be interested to know how now, years after your post, you fared and what helped you or did not?
Thanks and best to you!
@@davidsuurland3146 It has become easier as I remember so many good times and I developed rituals to honor her like on her birthday and her passing day and also on my birthday I light a candle for her on those days. I still miss her face but a few years later I have healed much with support from some grief counseling and friends. I just keep moving forward everyday my friend. I wish you all the healing and time you need. Good support systems are great to have. Cheers
This talk was fantastic! Everyone should watch. As an End of Life Doula and UU I got so many ideas from what she did, and the rituals she created outside of any religion. Thank you, Elaine.
my grand aunt passed this morning... thank you for this
I'm sorry you lost someone you love and hope you're doing OK, Mia.
I just lost my grandpa who was like a Dad to me and five days later my cousin tragically. It is so hard. But you are right we need to turn to it and feel it. I know my life will not be the same I just have to learn how to cope.
I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost my grandfather who was my father figure in my life a couple months ago.
The movie Troy came to mind when she said think of a movie with love grief and sorrow
It had all three
This is beautiful. Loss is tearing me apart, and this has helped. Thank you. x
+Steven Ryall I'm so sorry, Steven, and sorry I didn't find your comment earlier. I hope you've found ways to deal with loss and maybe even connected with a good bereavement counselor. There's lots of help out there. We don't have to struggle alone. Wishing you well in all ways.
Thank you for this memorable talk, Elaine. I lost my boyfriend in a motorbike crash last year. He was 27, I'm 23. It's comforting to know my rituals are a normal part of grieving! No one can prepare you for loss, and I'm slowly realising that everyone deals with it in different ways and that's OK. I've just ordered your book.
+xraee Thank you, I apologize for not looking at these comments and responding to your kind message a month ago. In your age group, it can be hard to find someone who has been through a hard loss such as this. I hope you have plenty of support around you.
I just lost my best friend last week to an aneurysm caused by leukemia. He was only 29. Although I am in an immense amount of pain, I agree that it has changed me for the better in some ways. I hope things will get better in the future.
I am so sorry about your dear friend and also sad for you to lose this relationship. What I find is that my grief hasn't gone away, but it changes and softens. I learn to carry it better. Grief opened my heart and made me a more patient and tolerant person. Do you know about Modern Loss? modernloss.com It's a website created by younger people and focused on the sort of experience you're going through. Many people your age haven't experienced a significant loss. Modern Loss will have articles about loss of a young friend and other helpful things.
Thank you Elaine for sharing your experiences with us. I lost my mom a year ago today and I am still learning how to deal with my loss. I am thankful for people that are open to share their story with others so that we may all be comforted and healed. I look forward to reading your book
Kristina Silveira Thanks for your note, Kristina. I'm so sorry about your mom. I included a poem in my book called "Pushing Through" by Rilke. I think of these lines in response to your words that you are still learning about loss.
"I don’t have much knowledge yet in griefso this massive darkness makes me small."
There is so much to learn. I hope my book helps a little. Sending you warm wishes, Elaine
Does time help?
kunal sharma In the beginning, it made me a little nuts when people told me time would help. I couldn't imagine it. Now, seven years after my husband's death, I would say that time helps. Time, facing grief head on and learning the lessons it brings, becoming brave in seeking a new life, ritual, and friendship. All these things help as well as many things I haven't named. Has time helped you?
Elaine Mansfield its been just a month now. I still keep thinking about worthlessness of anything that I will do now in life, now that he is not there to experience it. I am not feeling any different from day 1. Only change in me is the knowledge of absence of god or anything like it.
kunal sharma A month is a short amount of time. For me, it took years, not months. First I had to turn toward my grief, realize that love hurt in this way, face the shock of his absence, and let my tears flow. It helped me to find things I did believe in even when other beliefs were shaken--growing plants, a few strong friendships, beauty, butterflies, sunsets, and the quiet I felt from meditation or walking. But I still ached for a long time. Do you have good support in your life? Hospice often provides free counseling and/or bereavement groups even if the person you're grieving was not a hospice patient. It's always good to ask for help.
"grief is right there, but so is love" ♥
Yes.
My Mother passed away at 5am today, Feb.7,2015, Saturday, in a nursing home. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I learned that she didn't suffer as I gazed upon her now still face, one last time. This was my Mom. Who graced our lives with her presence and love. We couldn't have asked for a better Mom. She was a good and decent woman. She sacrificed so much for us. She will be missed terribly. Thank you for you video. Your words ring true and I can relate to your pain and loss. Thank ever so much for sharing.
Dear James. Thank you for your comment which I missed until this moment. I'm so sorry about your mom. My mother died one year before my husband. I was out of town and couldn't get back in time, but my husband was with her and took photos to show me how relaxed she was in her letting go. Have you tried writing a goodbye letter to your mom? This can help so much. I'm glad you loved her so. That love will keep her alive within you. Thank you for your encouraging words about the talk.
Elaine Mansfield Thank you for responding. It is very kind of you to share something so heartfelt and dear, something that affects the essence of who we are. Much appreciated...
jamesleeburns Again, I'm sorry you sent your note on the very day your mom died and I didn't see it for two weeks. Wishing you comfort and solace.
I lost a dear friend of mine a few years ago and i have never been able to forget him. Thanks for your touching talk.
+zaki 786 I'm so sorry you lost your friend. It hurts. I think it's natural when we've cared for someone to remember them for a long time, even if others think we should get over it or move on or all the other advice we get to ignore grief as it is. Remembering helps us know what matters in this life. I wish you peace.
Elaine Mansfield beautiful said
I lost my mom in February. It was the first death I've experienced with all the details. I got a clipping of her hair, but I hadn't known it was possible to take care care of them or even stay with them. Yours story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Heather, I'm sorry you lost your mom. I'm glad for her and for you that you could be with her. We don't know what we can do at these times because no one tells us. I knew it had to be different than when my dad died, so I'd done some preparation and reading. In some paradoxical way, they both leave and stay. Thank you for taking time to comment. I appreciate it.
Hi Heather, I lost my dad in February. I'm with you in this grief. May G-d bless your mom's and my dad's memory. Strength & Faith.
I'm with you, too, Benjamin. Thanks for reaching out to support another person who's parent has died. We don't have to be alone in grief. I hope you are surrounded by friends, family, or other supportive groups.
+Elaine Mansfield this was powerfully moving. You are a true gem. You once told me I moved you with my piece about MS. Well, you move me. Thanks for reaching out to me through this marvelous TED Talk.
+Cathy Chester Thank you, Cathy. Took me a long time to respond, but here I am.
Elaine, how coincidental it is to find this video after searching for wisdom on the subject. I lost my very best friend and kindred spirit to kidney failure last November. The coincidence here is my friend was Joseph Welch and I believe he was instrumental in making the tedx Chemung seminar a reality. I miss him too, too much for words and I feel as though part of my soul died with him. We were so close and he died before his time. We wanted to grow old in our friendship, but life sometimes has other plans. I do believe that love and grief go hand in hand. It seems like the deeper the love, the more painful the grief. I'm trying to learn something positive from all of this, but my sadness is still so raw. He's been gone nearly ten months and I have just started getting angry. I'm just numb and knowing that I will never have a friendship like the one I lost makes me feel very alone. I am married and have to young adolescent children, but I have been anxious about the possibilities of life changing events taking more of the people I love. I know that is not a productive way to spend my time & I have been trying to figure out how to create something positive out of the absolute gut-wrenching emptiness I have been experiencing since last November. Thank you for your message. ❤️
I'm sorry you're suffering so deeply. Mortality hurts, and grief doesn't resolve easily or quickly for most people. Our culture often doesn't help. I've been supported by bereavement groups and therapists--and I needed all the support I could get plus time to accept. Life is more precarious than we can admit to ourselves, but knowing that, we can become more compassionate to the suffering of others. I found it helpful to write and support others who grieve, but you'll find what works for you. I wish you well in every way.
I feel bad for my grief from putting my best friend down yesterday (Lomo, 12 yr old Rhodesian Ridgeback). So much loss in this world and I feel that I don’t deserve to feel so bad over losing my dog. I have felt the loss of humans as well, my father died when I was a boy, and this feels the freaking same. Thank you for this talk as I have a ritual to remember my father, I will create one to remember my best friend.
Yes, of course you feel bad. My teacher Marion Woodman said our dogs (or cats) are our "soul animals." They live close to our hearts. My first grief ritual was something my husband and I created many years ago for a beloved dog. I buried a dog's ashes in the forest a few years ago. My daughter-in-law sent a beautiful small stone marker. I know where she is and can remember her along with the humans I loved and lost. Grief is not easy, but it's a powerful teacher about the nature of life.
It is the same really when you feel you lost a connected soul . Hope the universe has given you strength to strive forward
To love your Limo the way you did and yes, they love you back so beautifully, it's only normal that you will feel tremendous loss and pain. Im so sorry you have lost your best friend.
This just shows what a true person you are.
Our animals get us through so much in life, they are always there for you, where humans sometimes fail. We have a lot to learn from them. Animals grieve too. 🙏
I lost my wife two days ago i need this support sorry for all your lossee my wife's heart stopped and i had to do cpr I'm lost right now need a friend
I TOO, LOST MY SWEET HUSBAND, ,about 5 months ago, and it's been hard, so hard that I lost WEIGHT ,I HAD TROUBLE SLEEPING, BUT STARTED TO TAKE SOMETHING TO HELP ME SLEEP, AND AM SLEEPING JUST A LITTLE BETTER, . I HAVE HEARD THAT YOUR NEVER THE SAME AFTER A LOSS, BUT I PRAY TO GOD TO GIVE US STRENGTH ! WE WERE MARRIED 31 BEAUTIFUL YEARS! GOD BLESS EVERYONE.
I'm so sorry, Guadalupe. I hope you have good support from lots of places. I loved going to a bereavement counselor for a while so I could let all my grief flow out. My husband's death was the most earth-shattering and life-shaking experience of my life. I don't expect to ever be the same, but there are ways in which I'm better and stronger. I never take love or kindness for granted. I reach out to others who are suffering or lonely, so this makes me more sensitive to the pain of the world. I miss my husband every day, but our love is always with me in a quiet supportive way. Knowing I was loved so deeply makes me stronger and the love stays strong and close. Although we don't put our grief down, we learn to carry it better--and you will find your own way to do that. Ritual still helps me remember and stay open to the love. Blessings to you and to your broken heart.
Thank you so much Elaine, I appreciate it your kind words very much,MY name is Rose, my Facebook page is on my husbands name, HE was a Very Sweet man, and we were always together, a We were devoted Catholics , So Now I have to do everything by myself,and it's hard to get adjusted to everything "Alone", Lot's of memories, so it's Hard! We were married 31 wonderful years. And I know it Must be hard for you as well. But I pray everyday, that God will give me healing to go on. And I have faith that I will heal, it might take a good few years, And I'M HOPING to get stronger too Because we loved each other very much.what makes it so hard for me ,is that he got Sick the middle of November with a heart attack and stroke ended in the hospital,and he was doing well,but couldn't finish a sentence, then cardiac arrests followed, and strokes, and (my poor Husband) in DECEMBER 4 IS WHEN HE PASSED. I HOPE I LEARN TO CARRY MY GRIEF BETTER TOO! THANK YOU SO MUCH ,FOR YOUR KINDNESS! AND I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS TOO! BLESSINGS TO YOU! THANK YOU, GOD BLESS YOU AMEN. ROSIE
I'm glad your husband was a sweet man, Rosie. It's such a gift. I'm also sorry he had such a hard time at the end. After a time, I remembered the sweet things, but soon after my husband's death, the images of his suffering were strong and painful. They faded to the good memories in time. Grief is always hard because we grieve for what we love, but you know you are loved and that never goes away. It's difficult to adjust to everything alone. Sometimes we only have to get through the next 5 minutes and then 5 minutes more. Slowly, we learn to carry our grief and also notice that so many people are quietly grieving--people we didn't notice before. I'm glad you have your faith and prayer. I hope you have close friends and family, too. Wishing you well. Wishing you comfort and blessings, Elaine
Thank you Elaine, soo sweet of you,Happy MOTHER'S DAY, AND the images of there suffering are painful. But I pray God will give us Strength. And he will I have Faith, it's going to take time, but he will. And your Right on everything you say., And yes ,I have a daughter that's way up in Michigan, she wants me to move, but I Can't first of all , the me m ories, and then, it's cold up North, we got sick once when we were over there in Christmas. And I wish you the same , lots of comfort and blessings for you as well. Thank you, Happy Mother's Day. Rosie
I thought of the many, many women (and men) who have survived grief. That gave me compassion for them and also made me know I could do it, too. Thank you for your blessings and good wishes. I return them all to you.
Dear Elaine, beautifully done. Your purpose and words are meant to be shared to help heal not only yourself but others. Thank you. Laurel
+Laurel D. Rund Thank you, Laurel. It was a transforming experience and I hope it transformed others, too.
My father passed away not long ago. I found him lying on the hard cold floor unconscious. I immediately screamed for help and my housekeeper came upstairs. After asking for help from the neighbors, the ambulance came around half an hour later announcing his heart stopped working and there is no brain activity. Ever since that day, i feel lost and angry because i didn't stay beside him the whole time. I thought i have time. I thought i could saved him.
For me, the thing about the grief is that the pain is to keep going. It is realizing that surviving means facing it. For me that is the pain.
I think it's a package deal for loving someone. Even if they're no longer in your life, if you love them, the feeling is going to stay there. It lingers. But the thing is, to keep going, we have to feel.
I apologize to you as I have to others because google didn't put your comment at the top of the queue and I didn't see it until today--5 months later. I know you've been through a lot in the last months. I think you're right that we must feel the excruciating pain and also keep going each day. I often thought of all the grief people have gone through since the beginning of time and realized I was just one more drop in the ocean of tears--and I, too, would find a way to survive, thrive, and keep loving. I hope you've found helpers along the way.
I came on here looking for something to help me. By son Brian passed away on Apr. 26th at the age of 26 and I am gutted. Your video has helped me to calm down enough to think about what my rituals will be and what I will do with Brian's ashes. Thank you for having the courage to do this work and to share it.
Gratitude and lessons come from all situations why not grief . Powerful speech x
Thank you. I agree that grief, too, is a teacher on many levels.
I lost my beloved husband to cancer after battling it for 12 years. It seems that I can't cry,or at least not much. I just feel this deep ache and heaviness in my heart. He died on May 19th,almost 2 months ago.Your talk was wonderful,so genuine,gentle,funny,and healing. I learned so much. Thank you for sharing your heart and knowledge. I have listened to it a few times now,and I will again as I continue on this journey through my grief.
I'm sorry to have taken so long to respond. My post to you from last week disappeared along with a few others. Oh, google! I'm glad my talk helps a little. I'm sure you're exhausted from all those years of caregiving and trying to keep your husband and yourself going. Two months is such a short time. I hope you'll find plenty of support and new friends and helpers along the way. It's been eight years since my husband died and I still think about him every day. Wishing you the best.
I lost my best friend my boyfriend my soulmate my backbone this 26th May 2018. . I am totally devastated... It kills me internally each second that he is no more... I dont have anyone to lean on or share my pain as he was my everything and i was sooo deepened on him. I miss him dearly. I feel i will get peace only with him... I lost my father in November 2015 and had thought that was the ultimate pain but this is worse... I love him way too much and my mind is never at peace...
Dear Basundhara Das, I'm so sorry. (Google stopped putting recent comments at the top of the queue and I didn't know your comment was here until today--much too late to help.) I hope you've found support. I hope you talked to a therapist or hospice grief counselor. Grief hurts. I don't know any way around that. The more we love and the more they are part of us and the more we ache for them when they're gone. Eventually, I learned that my husband is still with me, in my heart with all the love. That doesn't mean I don't miss his body or his voice or his touch. I don't believe we can love too much. To me, love is life's most wonderful gift but it can be taken away and leave us broken hearted.
Dear Elaine, I just wanted to say thank you so much for your authentic and heartfelt presentation. In short you have helped me make peace after many years of suffering grief. You are a very gifted person and I am happy to share your most powerful talk with friends and colleges. Your dear partner has given us all a great gift, and your loss has brought fourth a new creation.
Lots of love from Ireland
Regards
John
Thank you for letting me know, John. I'm glad you've had a lessening of suffering. I've experienced a few close deaths since my husband's. Each is different, some harder than others, but I create a ritual for that person--sometimes with family and sometimes by myself or with friends. Ritual can be completely private and ordinary, something we do every day as we remember our grief. It's hard for us to accept mortality and the vulnerability that comes with knowing nothing is permanent--but I've found my life enriched through accepting grief as part of the mix. May all be well with you and thanks again, Elaine (I'm sorry I didn't see this much earlier. Google stopped putting recent comments at the top and I didn't know your comment was here until today.)
Thank you, Elaine, for sharing your experience so others may enter a healing place with purpose, dignity, grace, and love.
Good grief! Thank you Elaine. I'm going to be creating more rituals from now on.
The song “//Denial” from “Our Hollow, Our Home” features audio cuts from this talk. After searching and searching I found where it came from.
Those songs have aleays spoken to me, so I was glad to find this.
Wow, I love everything you've shared over the years, had no idea about this video! kayc from your grief group & FB...
Hi Kay. I'm glad you found this and hope it was helpful. There's no way to separate our grief from our love--and I don't even try anymore.
I learned about death after I joined the masons and went through the third degree. This teaches you the meaning of the sprig of acacia and the eternity of the human soul. After that I have had no fear of death, "oh death, where is thy sting ?' I know this is an unusual reply but losing your fear of death is required to advance.
It's wonderful to rest in that place of openness to death. I hope we can all find our way to that place of surrender. I'm not afraid of my own death, but it can be a little daunting getting there as I've witnessed. And then there are those we leave behind who might well know that death is the best choice, but still grieve for the physical loss of the person we miss. I have another death experience pending in my life--my 101-year-old mother-in-law who is still on this side, but is beyond ready to leave. I hope it's an easy passage.
Lost my husband a week ago love your loved ones life is too short he was 38 love u my love
I'm sorry I missed your comment for months because of a youtube glitche. I'm sad this happened to you (and your husband). I agree that 38 is young. I hope you're doing OK despite this huge loss and have support. Grief groups can be helpful for years after a loss.
Excellent quality 👌 👏 thanks.
Thank you.
Elaina Thank you soo much for soo openingly talking about this complicated topic: i love your openness, my Dad died of a Linfoma no Hodking 37 days ago and my familly is starting to cope with grief you inspired me too talk about this topic and share my knowledge with my family and friends and keep sharing the love, thank you again :)
+Josias Bergez As you know from the talk, I became open about death because I suffered through my father's death where everyone was silent. We lost our heart contact with a person we all loved, and the silence made us lose contact with each other, too. I'm glad you can talk with family and friends. You will help everyone, including yourself.
Thank you..just thank you.
+Lisa Tucker May all be well with you, Lisa. I'm glad to get your kind comment and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize there were comments waiting for me.
Wonderful talk! You said so beautifully what I've come to believe since my own parents passing. Their attitude toward death was a sense of failure and hopelessness . . . as if they could outsmart death somehow if only they were better people. I started then to learn about facing pain, facing loss, going through the pain and loss rather than trying to run away or outsmart it. I've had a huge fear of loss most of my life. I vowed on so many instances to not outlive my husband because I believed I could not survive the loss. After a serious car accident I knew it was time to stare down that fear and began to learn of the importance of ritual, like the many rituals I left behind in my childhood. A church pew holds a powerful significance to me as well ... where I experienced an awareness of unconditional love as a tiny girl. Thank you for sharing your story here and elsewhere. You tell it so well and it is powerful.
Thank you, Dorothy. I think one of the most important tasks of being an adult is to learn to face loss of all kinds. Each time I'm involved with a dying person or a grieving person, I learn new things about life and myself. At my hardest moments in my husband's illness and after his death, I thought about people who were sick in Haiti and didn't have a doctor or clean water and women who live in war zones and survive the death after witnessing the death of many people they love, including their children. I realized that, day by day, I would survive. We've become so unfamiliar with death and we've lost the sense of community that helps us hold these transitions and make them sacred.
Well said Dorothy. Rituals respect the cycles and stages of human existence, don't they? The positive thinking movement has somehow trained everyone to believe you can be 25 forever and winning at something AT ALL TIMES; anything else is seen as failure. I'd like to see society valuing all life stages and acknowledging that loss is a normal part of life.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m Still absorbing what you presented, but I believe it will help me. Thank you for helping others with your experience. May you find peace from your grief.
It's a lot to absorb as grief is a lot to absorb and takes time. I hope you'll find it helpful either now or later. Main message from my perspective is to not run from grief because it's part of a life and a teacher if we look at it that way. And it hurts. There's no denying that part.
My girlfriend's father died just last night. I felt pathetic for searching out something like this to cope. But it's helping a lot. Thank you for this talk.
Don't put yourself down for looking for help, Alex. It's wonderful you're trying to help. No one teaches us how to deal with death or how to grieve. Small rituals like lighting a candle can help a lot. I also suggest the website Modern Loss modernloss.com for younger people who are grieving. She might find support there. Best thing you can do is show up for her and it sounds like that's just what you're doing.
I like the vid and relate to it, she speaks true and real. Its been five months since my boo died and the silence is exhausting. Even talking to ppl dont do much, cause it aint her. But the vid and these comments gimme some calm, so peace to u all and much love.
Early on, I could do little except weep. Slowly, I began talking and writing about what I'd witnessed and how I felt. I think I will never "get over it." Instead, I learn to carry my love close to me in my heart. The weight of it is not as heavy in time. It helps to search for peace and beauty in life.
I want to add that it helped me to turn toward my sorrow in any way at all. To light a candle or thank the person for their presence in my life or just remember and let myself be very very sad. It lightened the load to acknowledge how much I hurt. It's a way to take care of ourselves and keep a strong connection to the person who died.
Really needed this talk. Very beautiful. Grief is a journey...and suffering a part of our existence. Love and Grief. Rituals and memories. Thank you for reminding me that love is always with Us in our darkest times.
Thanks for letting me know it was helpful. It's been nearly 11 years since my husband died. Love stayed and made me more resilient and courageous. It was a hard time and one I didn't want, but also an illuminating time. Wishing you well.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy losing someone we love so deeply. I am 36 years old and I have lost many, many loved ones since I was a small child. Grief has been a part of my life for a long time and I spent many years hiding, running, and repressing the pain. Fortunately, my bottom gave out and I found a new path of healing to travel on....it has been the greatest gift I could ever receive even though it has also been lonely. Yet, people such as yourself and the many others in the world who have been touched by grief or loss have inspired me to keep the love alive and to feel seen and understood. Thank you!!!
@@hr6334 Dear HR, thank you for the beautiful comment. I'm sorry you've gone through so much loss. I had that experience as a child, too, but then there was a pause for a few decades. Since my husband's death, my brother and a few close friends have died. I don't wish for loss for anyone, but there's much to be learned about love and kindness when we realize everyone suffers and struggles with heartache. Wishing you well in every way.
Enjoyed listening. Thanks for sharing ur loss, what you learned from it so we can heal our grief in celebration of our love.
Thank you, Elevating Hope. As you know, these losses transform us in the deepest of ways. I celebrate love with you.
Thank you. :) Yes, we agree, they do transform us powerfully in the deepest ways, forever. Sharing your triumphing over tragedy story's empowers others to also transform in the most healthy and positive ways. Your courage is beautiful.
that was incredable! im studying counselling at collage and my tutor has given me the one subject i really didn't think i cold handle writing a full essay about, but this has opened up my perspective and sensitivity about such a tender area in life. thank you so much for this i'm blessed to have herd your powerful words.
+Kay Redfern Thank you, Kay. I'm glad my talk had a positive impact on you. Because it opened something in you, it will open something in everyone you work with in the future. And so we teach each other how to live in the face of mortality.
Dear Elaine... Such a compelling talk... so deep and touching in many levels... I thank you very much for sharing... ♥ Amalia aka Aquileana
+Amalia Pedemonte Thank you, dear Aquileana. I love being connected to you.
Thank you so much for that.
Uplifting and inspiring!
. . . . this was so good. . . I just lost my beloved grandson [Mike iii] and . . . . this really helped me today. . . . Thank you Ms Mansfield and Ted Talk because I've been an crying river today, but this really helped me. . . Thank you
Stephanie, it sounds like crying rivers is the exact thing you should be doing in these tragic circumstances. I'm so sorry about your grandson Mike. I hope you'll create an altar for him, light a candle for him, and do the small things that make the pain feel more meaningful to you and keep your connection alive. Blessings in this time of grief, Elaine
Thank you Ms Mansfield, I will definitely create that...✌
Your wisdom about grief connecting us to the greater mystery are so accurate and so profound. Many thanks for this sharing.
Thanks for your kind comment. I'm glad my talk touched your heart.
Thank you Elaine, was great to hear you speak.
Thank you Elaine, as widow of almost 9 months I can appreciate everything you spoke of.
Mlopez697 I'm so sorry your partner died. It's a fierce transition for many of us. I remembered how many women had been through this before me and survived and even thrived. That thought gave me courage. Wishing you well in all ways.
Thank you Elaine Mansfield. You are absolutely right, it is a life altering event that can really test your mettle. We learn and we grow from the pain.
+Mlopez697 I never would have asked for this, but standing where I am, I see how many ways I've grown and developed. That doesn't make the loss OK in any way, but it was not in my hands. Transformation happens if we find the will to go after life again. Wishing you well.
+Elaine Mansfield , Thank you Elaine. One day at a time. It is not a year yet, so the grief is still very raw.
@@lightnbubbly I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you love, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my son jersey on may 24th 2020 during lockdown on a car accident he just turned 22 on his birthday, got hit by a drunk truck driver, that was the worst and most lamentable day of my life as a single Dad raising two kid's, my 13yr old daughter is my everything and the reason I keep strong, my late wife passed away 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! it'd be nice if you just say hi, here is my number +17866676668 or rather you can send me your gmail address so I could reach out on you.
thank you for this, I lost my grandma about 3 weeks ago, I know we all still feel the pain but I was trying to cheer my family while I grieve alone, I am beginning to think that not talking about her would make us forget faster but when I watched this it made me realize that we would just make it harder for all of us if we keep our grief to ourselves.
I also created a ritual, well, it's a promise I made to my grandma, I told her that I will bring her one bouquet of flowers every month for as long as I live, I already brought her several bouquets within three weeks, I'm bad at keeping promises
Ronn Padua I agree with you, Ronn. It's best to talk. Sharing grief lightens the load and makes us feel close to the living who loved the person who has gone. This is a lovely promise and a wonderful idea. I hope you can keep doing it one way or other. Sometimes you might just buy flowers and place them before her photo with prayers or poems or whatever appeals to you. This is bringing them to her in spirit which is what matters. You can keep the core of your promise by keeping the details a little looser.
thank you for taking time to respond, I'm doing much better these days, I made it a point to go to her resting place every weekend, I made another ritual that makes me feel really good, I've been keeping a journal for many years now and I decided to address each entries to her, it makes me feel as if I'm still talking to her and somehow, I think my messages still reached her. thanks again, you have no idea how much you've helped us,I shared this to my family and together we can remember my grandma's life instead of her passing
Ronn Padua I'm sorry it took so long. I forget there are comments here and forget to look. Sounds like you're doing wonderful things to support yourself and keep your close relationship with your grandma alive. Even if you're ill or far away and can't get to her resting place, you can write in your journal. I"m so grateful my talk helped all your family stay close to each other and close to your grandmother.
if it weren't for your talk, I'll still be grieving and trying to erase her memories at the same time. I shared this to my friend who just lost her father and I know it'll help her as it helped me. god bless you and your family.
Ronn Padua I'm so glad it was helpful to you, Ronn. It sounds like you're doing all the most important things to keep your grandmother and your living family close. Thanks for sharing with your friend.
I am 21 years old, and I'm currently going through my first major experience with death. On December 19, 2016, I lost my favorite person on the planet. Her name is Jennifer, and she is my best friend (former girlfriend). At the time of her death, she was 18 and engaged to a man named Connor. It's been really hard trying to continue with life (I'm a music teacher) when her lost has left a huge void in my heart. I've never experienced such immense pain before. I just want to hold her again, kiss her cheek, and smell her fruity shampoo. I don't know what to do...
It's been a short time since Jennifer's death, so I'm not surprised the pain can be overwhelming. Do you have people to share your grief with? Sometimes you can get help from counseling centers, churches, or from hospice organizations (even if Jennifer wasn't a hospice patient). Or sometimes there is another good friend who you can talk to about your pain and share how much you miss your friend. It's too hard to grieve alone. If you hurt, probably others who love Jennifer hurt, too, and so you can help each other. Creating a small ritual such as lighting a candle and sharing memories might help, too. It helps me.
Love does = grief. Embrace those moments u knew her. God bless u...pray for continued help and comfort too
FJAR1635 I’m so sorry. I lost my Brother December 13 and I feel like I’m lost. I cry every single day. Lost my excitement in life and I’m a very upbeat person. I never knew the type of fear and anxiety I feel. Every day I fight to keep moving. You hang in there and message me if you need a friend.
FJAR1635 Sorry I just realized your post was a year ago I hope you are ok. I’m trying but I just lost my Bro so every day I relive it.
Thank you for this wonderful talk.
Thank you for watching and listening, Nuna.
I wish i could do this with my grandmother all these transforming process that she was waiting for
If your grandmother is still here, you can do small rituals with her like light a candle. Otherwise, you can do these small things alone or with someone love and trust. Ritual heals and transforms grief and helps us deal with death, when our ego doesn't know its receiving help.
This is a really wonderful talk! Honest and enlightening.
Thanks for sharing Elaine! Very authentic and heartfelt. After experiencing so many losses I can relate to drawing back to my first initial loss. I will be checking out your book. I love all things #healing ☺
Danica Worthy Thank you, Danica. I never think of looking at comments at UA-cam, so I didn't see your note until today. Yes to all things healing.
Elaine Mansfield
Atleen Aisek Thanks so much. I'm grateful you shared this.
Danica Worthy Thank you, Danica. I'm honored by your kind thoughts.
+Elaine Mansfield Thanks for your experience & reaching out to help others.
You are right. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know you were here.
i lost my beloved father around 2 am on 3rd of july 2016, he collapsed while i was sitting right next to him and he fell in my arms and he was gone in minutes, the pain is unbearable but its little that we can do, i would like to thank you and all the beautiful who are helping people like me and many others to get through this through their stories..my love to each and everyone here.god bless!
What a hard, hard experience, Kirandeep, but I'm glad you were holding your father in your arms even if it was shocking and hard. You were there and present as a support to him. Sudden loss brings a sense of shock along with deep grief, so I hear you when you say the pain is unbearable. You are in the early weeks now. There is so much to learn and also so much to do for yourself even if you can't help your father. There are great books out there and excellent websites. If there is a hospice in your area, they probably have bereavement groups or counseling even if the person who died was not a hospice patient. Please take good care of yourself and find a community of family or friends who can support you.
Thank you for this...
Thank you, Brendon. I appreciate hearing from you.
i lost my Dad 13 years ago. I still have problems dealing with it. I am ashamed of the fact that I still have problems. Some people wonder about me because of this.
This society is backasswards we run form death but yet we all will face it.
I understand. I don't think we ever get over significant losses--a parent, a partner, a child, someone who was very close). I think we learn a certain tenderness through experiencing grief. I agree our society is mixed up in the way we handle death, but it's changing and if you look, you'll find people who understand. You may even have understanding and compassion to offer someone who grieves over the loss of someone they love. That helps me.
Thank you! The holiday season is tough. Merry Christmas to you and yours
@@oftenwrong. Yes, it is. For me, ten years after my husband's death, I still feel his loss most this time of year. It might also have to do with the dark and cold where I live. I have to keep tapping into that love which never goes anywhere.
Thank You
Moving, powerful, deep, and great talk. I listened to the talk several times. Thank you so much for sharing this educative experience.
+جمال الوجه من سلمى Thank you. I'm honored.
Thank you
VERY HELPFULXXXXXX
I'm so glad.
I had an extremely close friend pass away unexpectedly on Saturday October 23, 2021. Today is Monday March 11, 2024. I still miss him so much. I started going out to various trails in the area to help clear my head and think about him. I joined a clothing optional / nudist campground in 2022. I know that he would love that. I have a monarch butterfly tattoo on my left shoulder that is memory of him and I have a sea turtle tattoo that was his symbol for me. Some of his ashes are in the ink of each of the tattoos. Since my friend was Mexican my ritual is that now on the Dia de los muertos (Day of the dead). I know create an ofrenda with his pictures, things that he liked to do some flowers, a peso and a two dollar bill. a small bottle of Tequila a cigar and some other items.
Excellent!
Such an amazing talk. Heartbreaking. So moving.
Thank you, Mr. Bee. I like your words. Grief is heartbreaking--and it moves us.
if I ever go to give a TED talk I would take my dogs with me on stage. and all guests gets a botanical soy freshly scented candle. and booklet about gratitude.
That's a great idea, LV. My dog is with me all the time--snoozing on her dog bed near my desk as I type this. She also visits people at hospice. She's been my personal therapy dog, because I got her a year after my husband died when I knew I needed to love life again.