Arguments When There Is Too Little Sex
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- Опубліковано 7 вер 2024
- There's a special kind of argument that can arise in a couple when, for a range of reasons, there hasn't been enough sex. Unfortunately, couples tend to feel too ashamed to mention what the argument is really about - and so squabble about essentially unrelated things. Even worse, the fact there are arguments makes it ever less likely that sex will actually take place in the future. The couple is stuck in a cycle that needs to be understood - and then broken.
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“It could, on the surface, be an argument about almost anything: what time to leave for the airport, who forgot to post the tax form, where to send the children to school… But, in reality, in disguise, unmentioned and unmentionable, it is typically the very same argument, the no-sex argument…”
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What are your experiences with today's topic? How did you cope with a sexless relationship? Let us know in the comments below and if you want to chat more to your fellow School of Life audience members, be sure to download our new free app: bit.ly/2SIhh45
Please, if you can, writer translation on Arabie langue
After a while, sex has changed and was once every two weeks. However, after realizing that I was pissed for that reason, but projected it on everything else around me, I talked to my partner and resolved the issue through an honest discussion.
If you love or at least respect each other, you should be able to come to the consensus on this very important topic, as long as you’re calm and not attaching your partner.
This is how my marriage ended after 19 years. I just could not bear being touched by my spouse. At all. And he certainly felt unloved. The constant daily avoidance of each other finally succeeded in both of us casting each other out of our individual lives to go on alone.
Bruh, I left. I need that intimacy and I'm way down the rabbit hole of sex to not have it at some point with my partner.
If I'm not having sex, I'm doing yoga or working out to make sure I'm ready for the next time.
I think that you cannot reason someone into having sex that does not want to. It is like trying to have a reasonable discussion about getting someone eat liver that hates it The speaker has never been in this situation. I have been on both sides, so I know.
To my ladies who've been turned down by their partner. Its not you its them (well most of the time). They can be going through stressful times that lower their sex drive. This happened in my relationship a couple years ago. I was constantly trying to seduce him but got turned down. I started thinking that it was me and then blew up at him. I said really bad things. I really hurt his feelings and he even told me that I had no right to make him feel less of a man. He was right and I felt so ashamed. The next day, I had a completely different attitude. I started focusing on ways to make him feel more special. I would suprise him at work with dinner, take him out, give him massages, do extra chores, surprise him with treats, etc. On a random night, I saw him sitting on the couch, I threw one of his couch cushions on the floor between his legs and the drought was over. Men need to be romanced too. Its nice to make your partner feel appreciated, and to this day, I still do. He does the same for me, but luckily I realized that I should do my part more often instead of just waiting for special occasions.
I'm the guy in your situation right now. My girlfriend and I have had a loving healthy relationship but it all changed when she mentioned that she was not satisfied with our sex. This came to me as a shock because she always seemed to enjoy it. From then on I felt very insecure and uncomfortable with myself and it has led to us having sex far less frequently. I've been using this time to bring back my confidence and self esteem by working out and trying new things. I also try to love her and show her appreciation as much as I can. Sometimes she feels so distant and as if she doesn't want to get together for dates anymore. I really miss the feeling of being wanted and loved.
@@gdizzledd I'm really sorry this is happening. Did she say the quality or the quantity wasn't right for her? You need to get comfortable and safe communicating with each other again so that there's no awkwardness anymore and you can relax and enjoy trying new things and get back to regular sex. Have you asked her what she likes in the bedroom or tried new things? Maybe she didn't feel able to tell you what she likes cos it's just assumed that women will like any sex but that's not true. Spontaneity, novelty and communication are all important. Oh and if you didnt know it is all about the foreplay.
KTT I hope I'm wrong, but oftentimes when a woman becomes distant and unintersted, it's because they became much more interested in someone else :/
It's tricky waters to navigate in a long term relationship. My wife was stressed out by other things and that led her to reject my advances for months on end. As a result I (wrongly) gave up trying and we went sexless for years. It wasn't until we both swallowed both our egos and pride and explained our feelings without tit for tat point scoring or knee-jerk responses that we were able to work through it. Heartbreak is brutal, but feeling like you're not wanted sexually also cuts real deep.
KTT Its good that you are taking the initiative to boost your confidence. I wish your girlfriend would put more effort. Sex is a two way street, if she’s not feeling satisfied, instead of pulling away, you both should be more intimate and try new things and explore. Maybe she just needs time. Its not you, its her. Keep working on yourself but if she doesn’t come around...
Once again, The School of Life points out the real problem with humans and relationships: that communication is the key to fulfilling relationships, communication equals vulnerability, and vulnerability is inevitably seen as weakness.
And we know weakness will be taken advantage of.
@@sford2044 and no one wants to be another online meme, laughed at for bearing their hearts to someone else.
That's why empathy is one of the other keys
Bingo! You’ve pointed out the catch-22 of it!
@@sford2044 There is always a risk for that, and so are many things in life, yet we take risks. But there always a chance that it'll lead to a much better relationship in general.
18yo me: How hard can it be... to keep having sex.
30yo me: Very.
Could I suggest you meditation? Not the inner peace type, but the the oftentimes brushed as supersticion that's about chakras and what not.
While you don't have much reason to believe me as an internet stranger, I can tell you that meditation, specially on the second focus point (chakra) does revitilize your libido to the point, that your only bottleneck is your own regular stamina.
@@tumamaencosplay that's not what I meant but thanks
I got what you mean lol
!!vish!! You are gorgeous. Have you tried downloading Grindr?
@@isidoreaerys8745 oh I wish I was gay enough
Going through this for 4 years now. So true that watching this one hurts. My wife thinks it's about the sex. It's not. It's about if she reached back for me or reacted to my presence, I'd know that we are going to be alright. I'm not a freak because I want my wife to touch me.
chevalierjld There is a reason deeper than sex. You have to find it and resolve it. But no, you're not a freak.
If she isn't sleeping with you, then just leave her. You've suffered for long enough. Divorce her now and move on.
Did it get resolved?
not everyone wants sex, most people use sex as an escape- the fact none of you men think that as a woman ANY sexual encounter can lead to pregnancy no matter the protection and that we just dont want to be open to it all the time shows how disgusting you are
Stop posting things that are so relevant to me.
LIFE STARTS NOW . Your life starts now, you’ve been given the key.
It's scary, isn't it? They're always there with a new video completely relavent to what's going on in life at that time. I stopped questioning it over a year and a half, maybe two years ago.
LIFE STARTS NOW I’m a life coach if you’re interested 😀
This is one of the best videos I have ever watched of yours and maybe periodt
@@climber3580 why would we take it from you when we have this channel , Alan Watts , Carl Jung and Jordan Peterson. They actually care you just care about money 9/10
It's INTIMACY we want, not necessarily SEX
@Breeny Lee I'd say it's both, intimacy and sex. By the way, you're so hot! Afro women are the most beautiful... I wish I could have intimacy, sex and everything else with a dark-skinned, sexy, and sensitive lady like you.
It sounds like you've seen "Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shutdown World":-D
It is yearning for a very unique feeling: simultenously feeling boundlessness and enthusiastic, voluntary captivity. Nothing else matters...It can be done even by sexually inactive or otherwise blocked couples if they are truly couples. /Example: Lovers permanently maimed in combat, accidents, crimes, etc. and yet-their bond strengthened.Not typical but dramatic and real./
@@monoludico6166 creepy
there is intimacy in sex
its got to the point where i feel i am asking permission to do something horrific. wow something as simple as sex can make you feel so worthless
Im going thru this now. I feel very ashamed, embarrassed, lonely & unwanted. Almost desperate for someone to even brush their hand against my shoulder for human adult contact from another person besides my 9 year old.
It happens, and if you are in my city then we can definitely fix that
Going through it now it sucks I'm about to walk away. Hope things got better for you.
Going through it now, and I have a 9 year old too. My boyfriend is always trying to make up excuses and reasons not to do it, and it feels like he is repulsed by sex, or like it's low priority for him. i feel constant rejection and like im the only one who wants it. it's not just the sex but also the emotional and physical intimacy and i feel completely alone. even lonelier than when i was single.
Same
@@tinykillx2432 How are things going 2 months on?
My ex husband would refuse me constantly. We had thousands of conversations about it, made plans and compromises, but he would never hold up his end of the bargain. It hurts to love someone you live with, want a life and children with, and get rejected in the bedroom. It is definitely worse than being alone.
Then leave you got this❤️😌💪
@@taliahbutler6387 Jesus, that is not the answer to everything! "Get some counseling", is infinitely more beneficial.
@@m2pozad and yet, leaving IS often the answer. I left after going through three different couples therapies.
@@rp6582 That's the proper approach.
Ignorantly going from marriage to marriage should not even be legal when kids are involved.
Why do I feel like I’m currently going through this
In my experience.
Little sex is due to no communications.
No respect for one or the other.
No care for one or the other.
Selfishness.
I just went thru this for last 3 years. Got tired of it and said get out.
If there is no sex intimacy or respect then leave the relationship and find someone else.
Life is too short to wait around for years.
No thanks.
Its not that easy to "get out" if you truly care/love the other person... even if it tortures you.
CP I agree 100% I did the same thing. I was in one like that and was done with it I’m not putting up with that. It’s clear they don’t care about your needs either
I feel you on that. I left my wife for that too.
Aaaaaamen
ColdCats Agreed!
"If we could simply name our desperation without becoming desperate."
My boyfriend and I have named it already!
We call it *NO LAID SHADE.*
Anytime we fight over something stupid (or nothing), one of us will say HEY, NO LAID SHADE. And fix the problem! Works _almost_ everytime :D
That's adorable! Wish something that simple would work for me!
I'm guessing the term means that either one of you want's sex?
@@themaggattack Why can't it?
I love this!
So feeling this right now. Intimacy not just sex, while laying next to someone you care about but feeling so lonely.
Communication is key. It might be embarrassing to talk about at first but talking about sex is absolutely important. It could be stress, health, not feeling appreciated enough, anything.
This is interesting because my boyfriend and I argue more when we haven't had sex in a while. He even jokes and says when I get annoyed easily, he knows he needs to put it down, hahaha.
for someone like me who is overtaken by my emotions to the point of just not being able to express myself verbally -- what i truly feel, your videos always help me understand myself more ..and helps me with my relationships ..and it is also extremely fun watching your vids ... interestingly educational ...
This life is for loving, sharing, learning, smiling, caring, forgiving, laughing, hugging, helping, dancing, wondering, healing, and even more loving. I choose to live life this way
BINGO.
Its much more then that.
Turn the sadness in reverse and sent what u want outward, if you are no longer wanted, give love to those who want, if you no longer noticed, give attention to those around you. Be a “ producer” of that which you want and watch the universe send it back to you.
flafaloon underrated comment
Yes! This works! Thank you!
I wish the world was this perfect and easy
This is very true!
Great insight!
Please consider making a video about how to be a good partner to someone with a chronic illness, i.e., someone who isn't physically or even psychologically able have sex as often as the other partner would prefer.
Very valid, smart comment. The real problem is not found among healthy people needing and creating all kind of artificial "difficulties"!
Yes, please.
Good suggestion...If interpreted properly and acted throughout carefully-This may be the best cure too. (Past examples aplenty from war-veterans and their partnerships)
Yes, there could be an entire side-school of life dedicated to the matter.
No. The French never found a solution to ANY real problem. They evaded it, negated it, avoided it, denied it. Your suggestion could came from satan himself /If I were not atheist-that is/. It is frivolous but it is rubberstamping lies. Accepting wrong, rejecting good and right. I rarely take pleasure from witnessing suffering but I take exception when I see liars trying to untangle themselves from their own spiderwebs.@Ligeia D.Aurevilly
I've been through this and it's an awful situation and very painful, without sex you are basically just friends.
Haha oke, well then I am pretty sure you'll always end up being friends in the end.
I couldn't agree more.
amen
Morbid Moments he was talking about his personal experience. Doesn’t have to apply to you, don’t why you gotta try and guilt him.
Morbid Moments Yes, you cannot have a meaningful relationship with an individual that has had meaningful/enjoyable experiences of sex prior to encountering you.
Main reason for this is that those individuals will never want to give up a lifetime of that positive experience, of what is quite literally the best human sensation possible(and rightly so, since if it wasn't, we might not be so compelled to promulgate the human race).
The reason they will 'never' want to give it up up because they are not receiving anything unique in exchange. What you, and you alone without the bond created via sexual interaction (a very real chemical bond) offer, is in no way irreplaceable, and at the point at which your asexuality is causing them suffering rest assured the other benefits you provide are indeed gradually nullified. The body yearns for sexual release and to be denied that with the person you love? Why would someone even put themselves through that kind of torture in their one life?
Your misunderstanding stems from your inability to understand how strong sexual desire, in all its forms, are and how closely tied to the successful actualisation of the emotions you listed above.
Your only solution is to find an asexual partner.
No one would understand this video quite good unless he had been in a sexless relationship
pardon me for my poor English
I feel like sending this video to my ex.
I would always try to initiate sex, but unfortunately, she would always turn me down. Especially after having an argument/disagreement, she said she needed to “build up feelings again” before we could have sex, which would last for several days, if not, longer than a week. I felt so hurt, and yet, I was the one blamed for “always wanting sex”. I would even be denied hugs, kisses, making out, cuddling, etc. This is a true struggle - and I feel for anyone going through this. You deserve better. It’s selfishness and disrespect if your partner is always denying you intimacy.
I'm going through it now did you leave because of it ? I'm about to leave it's hard because I love her and she's beautiful. She gets mad because I sleep on the couch. It's better than wanting her and getting pushed away and mad at. She's pushing me away and tells me it's all about me lol. It's never about me but her. I'm shut out so I'm shutting down. I already told her I'm not happy and want to move on but she wants to stay. I'm not going to live in a sexless relationship yes I told her that.
@@hogballs32 you need to tell her “I’m not in this for a friendship, I’m here because I want you romantically. If you aren’t interested in that, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave.” You deserve better and you need to tell her your needs.
@@NickPeitsch Perfect
Maybe she was afraid if you tried to cuddle her or kiss her it would always lead to sex. My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship and I trust him but we don’t have sex too often that’s why I’m on this video. I’m the one turned down. When I was rejected I would cry and freak out for feeling unattractive but once I worked on our communication and learning about what he liked to do in bed it ramped up. I am the one with the high sex drive and he just explained that his medication and stress sometimes puts him out of it. Once I started paying more attention to him, diving deeper into his mind, and trying different things one day it suddenly flipped and he asked if I could try something and since then we’ve been doing better. I don’t judge him because in past relationships I struggled like many women do with ptsd from previous sexual assaults and it was hard to do something with my partner without wanting to cry or puke even if I cared about them.
My boyfriend is very kind and caring and respectful and doesn’t try to push sex or anything so I felt comfortable with him and became the one with the high sex drive. The one thing that turns a woman off more than anything is a guy not having any emotional intimacy or trying to learn about their partner emotionally
then one must leave.
I love this channel, it has changed my mind and my life in a better way, i really cant thank you guys enough i wish i can afford to buy all your product, also thank you for not using backgeound music.
"...also thank you for not using background music." Compliments and apologies should always be specific
Same here ....it is best thing in the internet....supreme intellect and intelligence
@@fellowcitizen yes guess you right, i will keep that in mind, thank you 👍.
Same here. Check out their App. It's amazing too :)
That's cos Alains voice is all you need
Well I've gone six years without it as of now, probably explains why I'm so bitter
😔😭😭 2 months but too much already
How about 9 years 🙄
Scuba Steve why is that?
Joy & peace why is that?
@@Jz-en9pi thats cruel
If people could just be honest about how they feel then this sort of thing wouldn’t happen as much
Wrong. In complete honesty, we cannot, ever, tell a partner we do not desire them any longer, nor explain why not.
@@hellstromcarbunkle8857 Why not
@@hogballs32 Do you care so little for the person who shared your life that you would undercut their very sense of worth?
No one I know would do that.
@@hellstromcarbunkle8857 LOL are you for real if you don't want to be with them tell them not use them.
Well. People need to be honest to themselves first before they can be honest with others.
Sigmund Freud intensifies
I thought it was "Euro beat" intensifies? :)
Short story: me @19 and my coworker in his late 20s.
We were chatting it up while working and me being single comes up. He advises me to stay single. I ask him, "why? Don't you have a GF? You must be getting some daily". He says yeah I got a GF but you get way more sex when your single compared to when you're in a relationship. I couldn't understand or belive it at the time. Now, im much older and wiser. I completely get what he was saying 😅
I swear this video isn't really saying anything apart from "lots of couples don't have sex".
If it's suggesting that having a conversation rather than an argument will solve a dead bedroom then I'm not buying it. That's a small step in the right direction, but there is so much more to the process.
I think y'all should separate already before going years like this. Making sex an issue is so unnecessary.
Ok school of life ... Why were you listening to me and my hubby last night and then decided to post this video today?.....
Same here. This is creepy.
maybe because we all have this problem in some degree at some point?
The lack of sex is due to the lack of ability to meet basic expectations and meet basic needs(these things vary in every relationship) for me, kindness, consideration, participation in our lives, listening to when I am upset and taking the necessary steps to make things right.
If those things aren’t happening then frankly I don’t want or need sex.
Lack of sex isn’t the argument on my end. Lack of basic relationship decency is.
Right, relationship intimacy preceeds good sex for sure and feeling safe
Make love not war
I dont know who are you and where are you in the world. Here a ⚘ from me
Vote Tulsi Gabbard or Rand Paul. Clintonites and establishmentarians of Rep. and Dem. are war profiteers and mercenaries.
"I prefer to do both"
Boris from men in black 3
Make warts and love them?
Yep.... my last relationship started out strong sexually but I noticed it started being less and less about 8 months in and by 12 months I stopped initiating and we never did it again. Still stayed together and I would try to talk to him about it and all I ever got was /shrug “I don’t knows and it’s just me”. We stayed together officially for 4 years total but finally decided that we just see each other as friends after so long of not having sex. I never got an answer why and probably never will. We’re still friends and roommates which is fine. And now I’m dating someone else! So yeah, no sex definitely kills it.
He probably has an avoidant attachment style.
It’s about compatibility. Some couples have sex every day, some every week; some every month. Some people don’t give a shit at all and are asexual. What matters is whether both individuals are happy, and there doesn’t have to be something wrong with someone. That’s just how they are.
Did you gain any weight in the relationship? Sometimes that changes things.
Mea ,
Do you really think that hadn't occurred to him? I’ll assume for the moment you're trying to be helpful, which is a good thing. But maybe try a little more subtlety. Besides, there are a thousand reasons why things can change. But if his former parter doesn’t want to tell him, we should probably trust that.
On the other hand, way to be bold and direct. Just maybe not the right context for boldness. Just my opinion.
@@sfkeepay let’s not treat weight gain as such a taboo topic. It needs to be discussed. Especially if it can destroy a relationship. People often times get too comfortable in 1 area or another while the partner is excepted to just deal with it.
My boyfriend that I love soo much has a very low sex drive. We spoke about it and he refuse to do anything about it. I find myself thinking about myself in a new relationship with a new partner because I’m so unhappy, moody sexually frustrated and stressed. I feel guilty even thinking like that . I don’t know what to do
You are not guilty. Being refused - I know it too well - makes us feel so. Run and look for a new life. Love yourself first. Somebody will come around.
Does he say the word 'restaurant' in every video?
Shaun Rambaran yep and always with a french accent
Restaurawnnn oui oui
I try to work the words Cellar Door into conversations.
@@oris.corrupt Is that a big challenge?
@@smokeylebear1062 well, Restaurant per definition is a french word. Unlike in the US or the English language, most cultures honor that and leave the word as is. The standard word in German (School of Life is german) for "Restaurant" is in fact Restaurant and since that is obviously from the french, we of course pronounce it the only real way - french.
@@shaun_rambaran It has a low success rate.
Ok. So what if, hypothetically speaking, one has been neglected & made to feel unwanted by their partner FOR YEARS. And now said partner is finally attempting to be affectionate & give the physical contact one has been missing. But now the neglected party is behaving as the characters in this video. They are angry & bitter & hurt. They find very hard to now reciprocate & find that they are now the one pulling away from their partner’s advances. How does one get over that hurt that they endured for years? When communicating about this issue being arguments & conflicts? Asking for a friend…
I really enjoy his voice, even when he's saying sad things. His voice softens the blow.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am alone
So are you
@Kvothe Windrunner good for you. I am
Spongebob SquarePants . You goofy goober you.
Better alone.Never lonely.
Im single for 14y but i don't feel alone
But aren't you in a gay trio with Patrick and Squidward? 🦑
So people are fighting because they are not having sex or people are not having sex because they are fighting? hmmm, let's solve all the worlds problems but just having sex?
to build on my questions, higher stress levels (causing lack of sleep, dietary problems etc.) result in a lower libido and therefore shouldn't we attribute the lack of sex as a product of other conflicts which cause stress. Reduced or no sex can cause stress but having sex doesn't relieve the stress caused by financial crises, medical problems unless you are saying that having sex does!?. Otherwise, the argument I see you making is that having sex reduces the sadness/anger of having no sex, and we should just fuck already?
I didn't get that message at all, more that if someone feels sexually rejected continuously, it can create vicious cycles for both partners. Sex is important for those of us in sexual relationships, but it's by no means a cure-all or a fixer of other emotional problems.
@@ethanhelliwell also yes very true libido is affected be tons of factors, i think communicating that healthily is very hard but very beneficial to both partners.
Feedback loops are a vicious bitch.
@@stephanieweeks3489 Well said. I can be the class case study lol.
My dilemma now is whether sending this to my gf will increase my chances of sex or reduce them zero.
I was so surprised that someone from outside of Brazil mentioned Belo Horizonte in a video
i don’t understand why the school of life pops up every time i’m going through something … and this is actually what I’m going through at this moment
This is a discussion that is a double edged sword,because if you mention something the other isn’t doing,especially sex,when it does happen,like anything else,you feel as though they are now only doing it because you said something and not because they want to,and that is another feeling you don’t want...if the other don’t know what you want ,that is a better discussion...luckily I never get turned down or rejected
Some people suffer, physical and emotional trauma, that they never get over. For the spouse, wanting to share intimacy, and more, it ain’t easy. When you know, what you are both missing, and the other has no idea. Marriage, is a very long time.
Okay. Let it be said: The scrabble thing was impressive.
Um.... yeah I'm just going to remain single for my entire life.
Great plan.
Like you even had a choice.
@m Unsure if that's a proposition, a consolation, or a death threat.
Same here. Life is difficult enough without relatioships to make it more complicated. I just wish I won't feel too lonely when I'm old. Oh well...
@@fellowcitizen that is the reason I didn't respond to that comment
Thank you for remember Belo Horizonte 😆👏🏻👏🏻
I was shocked to hear the name of my city
Me too hahahaha
When he mentioned Belo Horizonte I had to go google it!!! First time hearing about it :/
@@feelings- no problem, It is not in any way a famous city outside of brasil. Thats why we were so shocked i think
Eu gritei igual o desenho quando ouvi BH
Sometimes my partner just does not feel well to have sex. But, I always ask him and say that there’s no problem if we can’t tonight! He really appreciate when I’m comprehensive
What gender are you? (Not meant to be offensive)
Merdan Tekayev male
@@mims2610 👍👍✌
I left someone because our sex drives didn't match, there was a lack of passion, and even when I was so horny and he knew it, I would find him masturbating. Lol
Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
If someone continually refuses to try and make things better, I think the best move is to split up.
As much as people like to pretend, sex is really really important.
For both partners.
Intimacy and sex are easily, and I suspect often, confused. Sex is, too often, a way to avoid true intimacy. As the sex drive fades, a couple can learn true intimacy. Men generally have a more difficult time with this phase.
Perfectly said.
What if I want both?
The rise of single lonely men is a real issue
Just a reminder *sex isn't just about penetration*
Thank you
Thank youuuu
Iris 20 can you please 🙏 teach me hot girl
#clitoris
@@lafofollehypersensible7100 so true. Fingers.
My ex, whom I dated for a year and a half, cheated on me at the end of our relationship. I noticed a pattern of them growing distant, spending more time at work, and not initiating sex anymore. They always yelled, screamed, and cursed. I'm autistic, and I was so ashamed because I was embarrassed and didn't know how to engage. I understand they felt rejected when they would come onto me, but it was always in situations that made me uncomfortable, such as in the living room or when other people were home. I always communicated to them that I was never rejecting them, but they weren't emotionally mature enough to communicate their needs with me, and eventually our relationship fell apart. I'm so incredibly hurt because no one has ever shown me the care they did. I still feel so much regret and shame for my own lack of experience and shyness. I don't know if I'll ever be loved again.
At 2:32. “FINISH HIM”. Takes on new meaning
No sex means that I walk. Rejection once in a while is normal but when you know your love interest is ACTIVELY sexual with others and tells you no for an entire month, there is no longer any reason to pursue. She obviously doesn’t like me so I give up.
Wow, nailed it all. The rejected suffers more. The rejector tries to not feel guilty, but is trapped with vague explanations, unable or too proud to seek help. Denies anything is wrong and becomes scared of intimacy, sharing feelings. The rejected either continues to suffer, or seeks satisfaction from other external sources: erotica, "cheating". As the world turns!
My woman hasn’t had sex with me in three years. I’m dying inside.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE
You’re weak. If you need sex you’re easy to manipulate. Women use sex as a weapon, they have no empathy whatsoever.
I honestly don't like how the in the 2 videos i've watched about this there is always talk about the person who is being sexually turned down but not what feelings be it the shame guilt and sadness that comes with being the one who is denying or saying no to their partners? Be it trauma or a personal issue within themselves,
it often hurts the person to say no to their sexual partner. Especially when in certain cases their sexual drive may have been high before but for some unknown reason unbeknownst to them they can't address why this is a current issue. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about how the way their significant other expresses themselves about lack of sex can negatively impact the party that's barely giving sex to their partner? There's shame in always saying no to your partner, there's guilt in feeling or knowing you're the reason your partner isn't happy and your relationship isn't thriving sexually...
well...being in exactly the same position..seeing that you wrote it 1 year ago how are the things now, and have you find a video or smth from the other perspective? i feel i need to hear some real cases and " endings"🥲
The problem is when you don't feel like having sex with someone who keeps going over budget, never listens, doesn't seem to care. You start thinking the sex is just their easy way out.
I tried to work it out with my ex because we really loved each other and he insisted sex wasn't that important and for almost 5 years, it wasn't. We were having some sex but eventually, he felt neglected and I felt broken for never wanting it, not just with him but anyone. I had told him my little interest in sex from the beginning (he should have run screaming that day, I dumped all my baggage on him, lol, but he's crazier than I am). I realized that if I didn't want sex from the love of my life then it really wasn't part of who I am. Turns out I'm asexual.
10 years down the line, he has a new girlfriend now 😊 and for me sex/romance became out of sight, out of mind. I've never looked back👌🤗
Everyone deserves love. I hope you find an asexual partner yourself ❤
If you were a man, I'd be with you. I'm an asexual woman. My boyfriend who probably won't be for much longer says I'm broken, even though I told him about this. :(
Morbid Moments How can men who on average masturbate twice a day, who's primary biological urge is to reproduce, who get horny nearly everyday, ever be maximally content and happy and satisfied with an individual that cannot meet these needs when there are girls that will do all you can aswell as fantasise about catering to those needs?
It will never be fair on him to accept a shitter life and if you loved someone you wouldn't want to do that to them.
You must find an asexual partner.
I'm glad there's another ace in the comments. The other comments here (and the video, a little bit!) make me feel like garbage. I've had very similar experiences, and it's always a struggle. I crave intimacy a lot, just not physical intimacy. It does nothing for me. I'm with someone now who has a very low drive, which is a relief, but when it does kick in, it's really tough to live with.
@@asrieldartagnan9782 I responded to you already. I am sorry that I seem wrong. Thank you for educating me. I wish you happiness in your life and further relationships.
Please stop educating me. I have learned my lesson.
Your videos - especially the voice/tone - always feel like a deep hug for a broken heart. Thank you!
Makes so much sense. I dont get angry at my partner or annoyed at the silly little thinks he does after we have had sex that day. If its been a long time im.always annoyed at him. Goes into an awful spiral because even on the small occasion that he wants me...i would feel too angry or annoyed at him to be in the moment
Peaceful Painting Wow this explains why I’ve been so critical of my husband. Im at the point where I’n nonverbally questioning his intelligence.
@@Cclearly9 yeah if you "force" yourself to do the deed it actually makes you feel....less irritable. I hadn't done it for a good 2 and a half months only recently. And I thought "let's just do it, no foreplay or anything let's just try and make this happen" it happened and I really enjoyed it and now I'm not irritable at him or annoyed at little things. Honestly, try organise a day/night to do the dirty and even though you don't feel it on that day when your doing it it's like "oh, it's....fun" 😂😂😂 does that make sense?
It’s absolutely mind blowing on how perfectly accurate content you bring out to address real emotional, psychological and relationship issues.
Feels like you know it all!
Amazed.
I sometimes forget that your mission statement is to provide insights to the public that are not commonly spoken about or taught. a lot of us grow up not considering the things we need to acknowledge to possibly lead healthy lives. I think what you're doing is incredible. maybe you guys will inspire a new wave of societal behaviors where people find more opportunities for intimacy and openness.
& I am as down with that as can be.
Beautiful comment
Sex and relationships are way overrated...the goal of life is to better yourself not to find you 'half'
If you wanna live like Diogenes or Robinson Crusoé-You are right. But life at its fullest is for those who are a bit braver than monks.
Maybe that’s your goals..
My husband and I have a unique relationship due to my years of healing after an extremely negative sexual encounter. Our relationship is built on love and friendship. There is a tenderness there and an understanding that wouldn’t have cultivated if we built a relationship on animal instinct that is bound to die down. instead we are only growing better together and as I heal we are becoming closer in that department as well. We are able to show a wanting for one another without having that weight of sex hanging over those intimate moments
Instead of dragging people down with you, try going to therapy before a relationship. Taking "years" to heal from a "negative" encounter? Clearly an excuse.
This is totally the case, and very common in middle age... Knowing it is still hard to do anything about it and your partner not even willing to talk about it, yet much of it is just biology not intent. There's no selective pressure to mate once fertility has passed. Doesn't matter if you understand all this and its nobody's fault. The human animal feels rejected, so rejects in turn. Intimacy falters. You grow distant without all the little reinforcing things that strengthen your bond. Talking about it results in defensiveness and aggression, causing a greater rift. You watch it happening like a 3rd party and know the root cause but helpless to do anything about it. It is after all why prostitution exists (the asymmetry of desire). Too bad we can't socially decouple romantic union from the marital one. To get your needs met means a betrayal and probably divorce, or you have to stay miserable. Lousy choices all around. Talking about it isn't enough. You just can't have a strong union without mutual reinforcement and acceptance, and sex is a big part of this. Unless all the other vectors in your joint life are super strong, most relationships just can't happily survive the loss of feeling wanted.
No need to be sanctimonious. Either get a partner outside to satisfy your biological need or get a divorce.
It's not about age, it's about you and what you tolerate
That is the worst part is why doesn’t she want me all of a sudden. Been married for 20 years and seemed like overnight she didn’t want to be touched. And I don’t think that there was ever any rejection in that department ever so it really hit me And didn’t know what/how to handle it. Keep quiet and nothing happens speak how you feel and I’m a ass who only wants sex. Then your imagination starts to wander. Is there someone else? She’s not attracted to me anymore? She’s rather be with her RABBIT than me? She denied all those. Said it was her. (Of , course). This went on for a few years. And came to a head a few months ago. After all the denials of there’s no one else. And she wasn’t masturbating? Supposedly. Years of denials. Well I found the Rabbit. And had a melt down. Of course it’s no big deal. Lieing for years about it , torturing me emotionally/mentally. Rejecting constantly meanwhile at the 1st bit of alone time IT’s rabbit time. She doesn’t realize how deep she cut with it. And I’m having trouble thinking I can recover. Frustrating situation
What perfect timing......
What if you decided to talk to your partner about all that so he is conscious of the issue and still nothing happens in bed? :(
your comment is a year old -- curious where you two stand now. I've been in a sexless partnership for years now; I may finally be ending it as things have not improved.
T333TN I struggled a lot but then, when I said I need to move on if I don’t get what’s important for me and for the relationship to exist, he changed and tried. Eventually, we had sex, sometimes even twice a week which is a great progress. Now I am even pregnant with our baby and sex is better than never haha
It was worth trying because I love him.
@@AmMartha I am so happy for you both, congratulations on your expected child! Maybe I'll give my man one last shot. I do love him. But I really love physical intimacy too!
T333TN thank you!
I keep my fingers crossed for you. You surely deserve to be happy. If not with your current partner, then maybe with somebody else.
Its so damn interesting that people have problems with sex.
It’s simple, if he feels appreciated and isn’t just treated like a breadwinner or worker, he’ll be attracted to you and want to be intimate...
Also you need to talk about what you ENJOY when he’s being intimate. I guarantee you, your man wants you to be happy. Don’t be fake or quiet about it, and just talk about what you APPRECIATE, not what you expect. Don’t ever demand when it comes to sex, wrong place to be giving order, unless that’s a turn on. Like if you ask for his nice hard or big firm. Guys also like to be desired.
Physical needs are surface level problems caused by mental needs.
B. BANX yes
lmao no
Such a beautiful sentence.
DeepFriedLemonWedges thanks a lot!
TdotJohn lmao yes
I never want to have this argument
After so many years following TSoL, finally this very important mention: Belo Horizonte! Cheers
Which is the cart, and which the horse? Fighting and bickering, incidents of broken trust...all of these things can stack up and make sex seem very unappealing. I don't think you just become friends or roommates. You barely tolerate each other and that is not a friend. Not in my book. I also wouldn't want a roommate who directed such hostility towards me. Especially when it comes down to not getting your way.
i feel like these videos never get to the point. it's just filled with random words and metaphors. i subscribed because i wanted to learn, but i have such a hard time understanding where you are coming from. please get to the point instead of making a million references.
Try watching it a second time, or a third until it makes more sense
Sounds more like you want easy answers and how to‘s to get your needs fulfilled. Life is complex, and at a highly complex situation like a relationship there is definitely no easy way to get what you want.
Agree with the comment above, there's no easy way out friend. You have to talk to your partner about it. Have you tried that? Did it go well?
Pretty much they all say the same thing.
Right
It matters simply because it proves we matter.
For that brief moment you feel centered with your love again
Idk what he said. But the thing I understood is 'Have Sex' very frequently
I didn't get that at all, more that if one person in a relationship feels rejected sexually over a long period of time, it can create a vicious cycle in a relationship that could end badly. But it speaks of hope
@@stephanieweeks3489 Judging from his name he's not a native speaker. You might want to reconsider your comment.
It is absolutely not true it's not possible to 'make love' (have Sex) and be bitter, sad or angry at the same time.
Having sex just to please your partner or intending to rescue your reletationship is the best way to lose all respect for your partner. It makes you feel angry, sad, dirty and alone.
The real solution is not to just have more Sex. The solution is to make all parties want each other in a sexual way. And this may become a major task, the longer one has been together.
If you're being refused sex, that's just a disguised invitation to leave.
Nah there can be many reasons why
No its not. I love my partner with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with them but I hate sex and it gives me a panic attack just to think about it. It's not because of them and its not "an invitation to leave" stop making everything so black and white based solely on your personal opinion
There are people who are asexual
And when their bf or gf leaves they will be wondering why they left
@@anaveronika938 Nonetheless I think everyone should prioritise himself or herself first. If you need sex from time to time, you should not stick to a relationship with a partner that doesn’t need sex. Both partners will just end up resentful and bitter. Better to let each person find his or her own way with a partner who has equal needs.
This channel changed my life. I hope to buy some of your products someday. Take care
Just in time for Valentine's day.
I cheated on my loving boyfriend of 6 years and i loved it. I cheated for many months without him detecting it at first but then he found out. I only feel bad because i was caught. i cheated for months with someone not as good as him. I became very distant and cold. His name is Dayne and he loved and adored me through thick and thin. Does this make me a bad person ?
I feel horrible that I'm not interested in sex, for my wife's sake. I love being close to her and holding her, but I'm just not interested at all with having sex. I feel as if I'm asexual. I've produced progeny and the job is done. I don't know what to do or what to say. It certainly isn't that I'm not attracted to her, because I am. I'm not looking for sex anywhere, inside or outside of our marriage. What do I do?
Love her with all her being and if she so desires let her have sex elsewhere.
You need to eat grass fed beef, broccoli kale, and blue berries you have too much estrogen and not enough testosterone, are overweight , over stressed. Get back at it if not ask forRx cialis
Same with me and my boyfriend. Sex is boring
I'm in good shape, plenty of testosterone. I just don't like sex.
You sir, are a unicorn. I'd be happier if that was the case for me right now!
As long as sex is a source of power, things will remain like this.
Why is everything about sex in this world?
Or worse.
Finally a good comment..
@@georgea.4125 says who?
The sentences used here to describe the resultant feelings are so strong and tactfully worded that it makes me feel even more miserable than I previously thought 😂😂😂
Sorry, many people who get it all the time still have tons of troubles. Dysfunctional thinking is the root of all relationship evil ... if nobody's getting any it's just a symptom.
Totally agree with you. I've never seen sex solving any problem in a relationship.
It's more along the lines that the lack can be a problem as well.
I am over 70 years old and I have been watching for 50 years how the official hiearchie (governments, unfree media, medical and drug industries, etc.) do everything to control us in our most intim and/or private actions fitting their demonic, irresponsible and incompetent idee fixes. They love us being dysfunctional, enslaved, un-reproductive, ...i.e. ALIVE!
@@xres1329 ahhh another delusional boomer
My parents have casual sex but they still argue over petty things that result in physical and mental abuse. I think it boils down to empathy and compatibility
Do the writers on this channel have any psychology credentials or is it personal analysis? Seems pretty spot on I'm just not sure I should take it all as fact.
It's largely based around tried and true psychological study.
I loved the video but the animation not so much. Thanks for this.
"the future of the family, the fate of children, the division of assets, the survival of a friendship group should depend on the right sort of frottage of a few centimeters of our upper limbs ". LMFAO That didn't make our valid yearning for a physical affection from our partner sound pathetic and imbecilic at all.
"Just Bone" Diaz from Brooklyn 99
Cheap dinner, watch basketball, bone down.
Why is it that the answer to this one sided need for sex, is that the other person has to suck it up and give in, cause the person not wanting sex is the "problem"...? Sometimes the person doesn't want sex, because they feel like a necessity to the other person and only a means to make them happy.
Not the case I saw another from them they say the couple should talk the gave an example the man talked to his wife and the sex didn't increase but he didn't feel angry and the relationship healed
The drawing of the blue moon was really cute
Talking about it openly, honestly, and maturely is of no benefit if it doesn't actually change the situation.
I told my husband a LONG time ago, when our 1st child was less than a year old, that sex felt like just another job to be done, that I had little interest in, or energy for. It is similar now, on the far side of childbearing. Our children are in their Teens and Twenties, and it is again a pallid response to my husband's overtures. He has always wanted sex more than me. I want to want it. I've had hormone and Thyroid functionality checked, we've gone to counseling, and.......bleh. I love my husband dearly, and I hate that I constantly disappoint him this way. We have been married for 27 years. I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open, and be fun, and be affectionate. I'm trying everything I can to not let us fall apart over this.
Well you are doin the other jobs still I suppose. Whatever they may be. It’s just another one. But your making someone happy. When you do dishes you make no one happy so. Unless you don’t care. Then that’s another issue. Just imagine if it was reversed. And your partner can do all their jobs lawn mowing, laundry whatever and can’t take 5 mins for you. Are you that repulsed by me that 5min isn’t feasible. But you can bitch about taking the garbage out or whatever but you do it. Sometimes it shows how much you care about your loved one’s feelings. And they are on full display if noticed. Anyway sorry
Okay, so... no sex arguments are the basis of family despair. Is that it?
What about the complexity of life?... Where finance, health, social pressures and state of wellbeing plays a role. Thereby causing no sex, which in turn leads to the argument.
Is romantic love = sex? Is that all?
what about handling a partner with a sexual abuse past? hence their lack of desire for sex? how can one deal?
Therapy for both: for the partner with the sexual abuse past to help them with the problem and for the other partner to be helpful and understanding
I don’t even bother arguing about it anymore. She’ll only come up with every excuse why she doesn’t want to but constantly tells me that she doesn’t want to break up. BUT I feel my emotional and physical needs aren’t being met. This fucking sucks. At this age, I’d rather be single than to be in a sexless committed relationship.
we haven’t had sex for 9 months. I brought it up on Tuesday after festering for months. we had a good talk, came to an agreement and it was understood that as tonight is our wedding anniversary, we would make it happen. I came upstairs had a shower, shaved everything, plucked everything, perfumed everything, blow dried my hair, put on makeup and a sexy nightie and went downstairs... he was a sleep on the sofa.. i nudged him and he just said.... I have a headache... to be fair, he does have chronic migrains.... so I come upstairs, trying not to die inside, put my ipad on... this is the first video in my recommendeds. weird. I’m just resigned to being unwanted. it makes me miserable all the time. I have done all the running for 20 years... I don’t understand why he doesn’t want me.. I don;t know what more I can do.
It sounds like his fallen into a routine.
I know you wanted to pretty yourself, but next time you feel the urge just get to it, if possible. Right then and there on the sofa...or when you know he's ok regarding migraines, wherever you two are (i.e. car, friends house, etc). No scheduling or planning it. No asking. Get back to how it was when you two were dating.
You need to engage his animal instincts again. The hunt. The danger. The risk of getting caught. The (imagined) threat of someone else snatching you up. The taboo of doing something dirty with each other. Flirt with him at inappropriate times risking getting caught. Reveal skin. Tease.
As a man, sometimes the sexist thing isn't a nightie but a tshirt and underwear. I know you want the romance but right now it's important to reignite him.
----
The other thing you can do is create distance between you too. I don't mean separate or break up but let him miss you: you two aren't allowed in the same bathroom together anymore; he can no longer see you naked (unless he's going to "take care of business"); kiss each other goodnight at night but then sleep in separate rooms (as if you were in two different residences or apartments). Bend the ear of your girlfriend or sister (if you have them) for any gossip you want to discuss, instead of him. Only talk to him about important matters.
Create the conditions to where he can wonder about you again and miss your warmth. **Don't make it a punishment,** make it a game where you're pretending you two are brand new. When you two first started seeing each other you weren't so available all the time. Again, tease.
Distance is more important than ever especially during these times of lockdown. It's the law of supply and demand. Create scarcity of your presence to increase demand for your attention.
And don't explain what you're doing, just tell him you're playing pretend (with a sly grin). If he presses you then just tell him you want him (but say it more gratuitously than this...you know what I mean). Otherwise, remain mysterious.
@@jeezymay I get exhausted only reading this. How about she just leaves him.........
Why does this channel always know what's going on in my life?
Synchronicity. Global Consciousness. Collective Consciousness. Collective unconscious. The universe. Quasars.
What about sex-ful life without intimacy? Like almost no other caressing or kissing outside of it (just barely during), and hardly any cuddling? Not the first time I've felt unreciprocation for physical touch, while also being told I never initiate stuff 😂
yeah, thats a thing. Its really about intimacy, and sex is just the happy ending. Intimacy without sex is frustrating, and sex without intimacy is hollow and ultimately depressing
That sucks :( S/he needs to develop or heal. Find someone new, or perhaps find very affectionate + intimate friends.
A sex-ful life without intimacy is just a prostitute.
I need more metal simulation and bonding before I can bind physically. Otherwise, it feels too mechanical, and a chore.
yes I hate feeling like its a chore, from either of us
* laughs in asexual *
You are the only asexual who isn't all butthurt in these comments. You get it that these ain't your clowns or your rodeo. Lol!
I can never understand that 😅
How can someone Not like sex 🤔🤔🤔
X2
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Nothing could define me better rn