Same! I never speak to my family the way they speak to me and yet I’m the one thats an ungrateful brat and my feeling unsupported is my fault! Such bs and it will never change. You just have to extricate yourself from the situation
My husband seriously laughed at me. I’m trying to express how lonely I feel in a home with his family that simply won’t grow up. Every time I try to express how I feel last on his list he laughs at me. I’m so close to just packing and leaving I didn’t get married to be unhappy…and that’s where I’m at 😢
Set this boundary and stick to it. I watched my mother get disrespected like this, my whole life, and 30 years later, they are still married, though they basically never speak to each other. It is a life full of resentment and misery. If you can’t clear the air now, and find a real IMMEDIATE change moving forward, move on. Because they will grow up a lot slower than you will break down.
This has opened my eyes like nothing else before. I just understood why I start to doubt myself in those situations where you know you’re right. GASLIGHTING myself. Thank you!!
I have the opposite problem, I do the constant invalidating. This has really highlighted one of my biggest shortcomings. Thank you for helping open my eyes. I have a lot to work on.
Whenever I try to tell my wife about something I'm sincerely struggling with, she ALWAYS responds with, "no, thats not how you feel...you feel X" (X always being a negative, hateful thing). It's painful, but I've learned to live with it. I've learned to realize that I don't need external validation to feel better.
It is a 100% because of you and learning through you that I have had the strength to leave a situation where I was being completely mistreated. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and recommend to anyone to follow your teachings xxxx
Yeaj, combine this with having PTSD and Bipolar. With ivalidation and gaslighting she gets me to the point that I'm so frustrated and hurt, I start to become suicidal. I have nobody in my life other than her so I just learn to bottle it up and not share any more emotions with anyone.
same :/ if i ever told her how she makes me feel the only thing i would be met with is aggression, blame-shifting, and guilt tripping. Never an apology. If she is the only one i have then what is the point of trying to continue to live if living in the past has only lead to this. I feel you. btw my name is also daniel. ✌
Remember that you decide your attitude and abrasive people can’t graze your feelings or put your mood down as much. Be of sound mind rather than losing your head to match how you feel and only feeling that way because you allowed others to get you down.
Finally. It makes sense. I always felt unsure and guilty if I wanted to leave. I wanted his approval. It would kill me to either stay or to go. Of course, then he left me when I was so numb and exhausted. It’s been a year and I am learning about myself more in this past year than ever before. I am almost 50 and I finally have been awakened. My inner child has my love and attention now. Really like your videos. You are so clear and confident in truth.
If someone pulls a DARVO, I can feel it in my gut first. When I feel it, i look back into the specifics and i can see it. Its helped me so much, to be able to see and know what it is and why I feel so hurt/betrayed. My mom pulled one via text, it was so slick I almost couldn't find it, even though it was written out. Trusting my body more than my attachment figure has been huge! Validation that I was right, as a kid.
Thanks for this video. My negative experiences are being invalidated and my family called me being negative. I wanna make sure it’s validated. I’m pressured to have a family, have a gf, have a job and things going on.
Also I wanted to add that usually the belief system of illness (this whole lie they present us) tends to make us believe that LOVE is an exange good, when its NOT. And also, probably YOU where the love there (in the situation). So They've got nothinng! that's why they wanted to keep us little & powerless. They feel so little inside, and they are so afraid, that can only play with unprotected kids. I cant believe I've suffered so much for people like this. Deep heart hug to all of us. Love you Sister 💜 Thank you for your work✨
you saved my life. it feels scary even saying this while feeling validated after having watched your video cause i'm afraid that's not my truth even though it is.
I’ve met a looooot of narcissists because of being adopted into a narcissistic family house hold. It sucks! I have to wake up to every little thing that they are doing to me to fight back at it
That's because narcissism is a survival tactic in a narcissistic world. to be successful in society you literally have to be narcissistic. All billionaires are in some way shape or form narcissistic because they have to be, thats how the system works. Alot of them didnt start of as narcissists and many were down to earth and empathetic but had to sacrifice it push to the top. Until we all fight to change society and make a new societal system then non of this will change. yet people are just either isolating themselves to death or have to become narcissistic to push for more money and stability
Amen! Excellent video! I realize that because I have withdrawn from dating at this time for fear that I am "not ready" to love anyone properly or be loved properly, I am now instead transferring this dynamic onto my work relationships with unhealthy relations to my employers. Your perspective in this video makes so much sense and helps me to better understand how this same dynamic is showing up for me at work. I have been caught in a cycle of repeatedly choosing employers who want more from me than I can reasonably give and I have been invalidating myself for the sake of continuing to work with them until the point of burnout. In relationships, I tend to think that the other person expects something from me in return for treating me well and I have been failing to acknowledge that I shouldn't have to overextend myself to "earn" a good relationship. A healthy relationship should respect my limits and boundaries. With this information, I feel more ready to acknowledge my needs and expectations for myself without falling back into an approval-seeking pattern. We can't avoid relationships entirely and it doesn't matter whether we are actively dating or not. Our learned patterns will keep showing up until we address and resolve them. Thank you for your insight!
It’s been a long journey of awakening coming to awareness of these unconscious programs running in any type of relationship. As you awaken, prepare for serious backlash as you learn to love yourself and say no more. Namaste and walk away. No means No. Candace is absolutely right, and it can be scary. Fellowshipping with others in a support group really helps us not feel so alone, powerless and help curb self-doubt. It also takes away the power of those who are much more comfortable with you remaining asleep and unconscious. This is all a part of the healing process we must go through to know and remain in alignment with our true self. Anything really difficult to grow through yields the greatest reward. In this case, the rewards are endless whether it’s empowerment, self confidence, good healthy, joy, abundance, etc…. We never see or realize any of the gifts of this work until we do our healing work. Wishing everyone the courage, strength and fortitude to continue to press through. ❤️🌞
Just finished watching this video and I have tears in my eyes. I think I’ve reached my limit with the person I was with for a year. I was always expecting him to validate my feelings or my decision to leave, which he never did, promised to get better but never changed anything. I was at a point where I would have breakdowns begging him to just spend a night with me. He’d tell me he was afraid of me and my reactions so he kept pushing back while simultaneously controlling me (driving by my work place, calling when I didn’t answer to his multiple texts interrogating me if I was with someone else). He constantly said I was the love of his life but couldn’t take me out to dinner. He always prioritized his friends, videogames and work. I’d confront him, he’d deny, said he needed that alone time. He’d always give me just enough crumbles to keep me going but when I put my foot down he’d blame my reactions and say I was too difficult or harsh or unfair. I was asking for the bare minimum. My brain feels like scrambled eggs. I have so much hurt. I couldn’t leave because anytime I tried he’d turn it around and act nice for a week. You worded it so perfectly. I’m so sad. I really do hope I made the right choice.
Hey Candace, thanks for the lovely mention! Woke up to this first thing! Such a great drop of amazing insight before I even start my day. This is a major shift for me. I'm definitely feeling validated and supported as I listen. So much so that I know i am finally healing from this at 57 and therein lies the healing. The validation and knowing I am right about my feelings and perceptions. Thank you 🙏💕😊
Holy cow! You just answered my random issues triggered! I hate that word but it’s truly the right word. I did codependency for 3 years! I find now that I’m in a healthy and wonderful relationship I still have an every , like every 2 years, triggered conversation. Thank you. I need more of this
So true, after I left my x, I was physically free I was in ireland and he was in England, but I spent about 2 years begging him to understand that he'd been so abusive to me I'd had no choice. He never, ever acknowledged that he hadn't treated me well. SAME AS MY PARENTS. They invalidate me and betray me and then give me the silent treatment for asking for them to respect me. 3 years in to a silent treatment from my parents at the moment. Obviously working on validating myself and trying to heal my inner child from the wound of invalidation.
I was dating a man. We had a wonderful and healthy relationship and we shared and loved eachother. We each had come from toxic relationships so this was a breath of fresh air. To have love and a friendship like this. One day he fell off a kayak and he really felt his life was In Danger that moment. As he was telling me I was in shock as I listened, I know i said oh no! He was telling me about all the things he had to do to replace his belongings as a result, but he was ok, nothing happened to him Thankfully! I asked if I should go over to be with him through it. He said no. Somehow I invalidated his feelings by not asking enough questions or not sounding interested over the phone. It was such a big issue enough for him to nearly end our relationship and there was nothing I could say to help him understand I did not vocalize it. But I did validate his experience on my side. At that moment I must have been very tired or busy. We manged to get through that. But in another instance he felt threatened by my brother Inlaw: I did agree with him. I may have not asked questions about it. But I did tell him I didn't like the behavior as well and that I would speak to my sister about it. That wasn't enough. I had invalidated his feelings to no end... Over these two issues. I can agree I naturally am not the most validating. I do what I can and I try really hard. I know I have discomforts with many intense emotions. That doesn't mean I'm a emotionally invalidating monster who is a gaslighter.
Solid advice in this video. External locus of identity is quite common. Don’t depend on allocation alone but learn to cultivate. Cultivate a positive attitude, your mood and feelings will follow. Many of us are dysregulated, learn to function fully rather than just cope. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, strength and soul.
Oh my goodness... Thank you Candace😯😄🙏💜🦋, I really needed to hear this right now! I even think I'm going to listen to it over and over. Huge validation, by the way ! 😂
@@CandacevanDell all is well indeed Candace - thank you. I have benefitted so much from your efforts. Can’t thank you enough. And….this video really helped me today. Cheers! Shane and Jack
I must say that, this has been so enlightening. When I share with this man what I’ve felt he immediately makes it about how much he has done and why I’m wrong for feeling the way I do.. I don’t hate many things but I hate how he is towards me yelling and screaming for 5 years. I told him that at two hours a day for five years that is 3550 hours of yelling and screaming and if we were paid a millionaires salary which is $526 an hour we would be at 1.800,000+ dollars in revenue because he has to turn everything I say into an argument and downplay it and he was like that is a lie. That’s a lie and I told them every single day you wanna argue do you want to scream? Do you want to yell and this is just not for me it is time for me to leave and in fact, I’ve already checked out of the relationship, but I hope that you ladies and gentlemen can make the same type of understanding in terms of time and money. This man argues every day, and always for more than two hours. I was just doing that as a minimum.
I’ve stumbled upon an angel. And I must say you remind me of Eva Evangelista. Thank you for you. You don’t know what this has done for me. Many blessings to you.
you just like revealed my whole life to me like literally this is every single day for me omfg thank you SO MUCH this helps so much and gvae me so much of a bigger perspective this helped so much like genugienly u are an angel for dis ily
I can't say I was right about past break ups. I mean, I could have married anyone else I dated and it would have turned out better than it did! That said, I met and married my first husband at 24, so these dates I am talking about were when I had little self awareness and even less awareness about what was going on in my family. I was the perfect broken target who had no protection from a sociopathic predator which is exactly who he turned out to be. Most likely those past relationships were doomed as well because I just couldn't help but attract narcissists. When my life fell apart I realized just how imbalanced all of my relationships had been when I found myself utterly alone. Things were fine so long as I had no needs.
Thank you so much for this helpful video. I can relate. I'm so grateful you shared this. I felt like I attracted invalidation or gaslighting from others and wanted to stop this cycle in my life but I can see this cycle and how I gaslit myself seeking validation from who can't give it, thinking I was wrong, just like my upbringing..so spot on.. Thanks again ! this makes total sence..I needed to hear this. 🌻
My mum invalidates me a lot (actually a lot of my family does but I’ll just talk about my mum in this example). I wanted to get a job, go to uni, move out and get my drivers licence, which the majority of 17 year olds do (this was a few years ago. I’m in my 20s now). My mum refused to let me do any of this. She’d rip up job applications in front of me. I was told I had to stay at home and be a free babysitter for my younger sisters, cook and clean the house. My mum also wanted me to pay to stay at her house, which I had to go on welfare to be able to do that otherwise I would’ve been homeless. I feel like I can’t do anything now. She kept my cat as a way of keeping me from leaving. I managed to get my licence without her knowing and every time I drive back home from somewhere I feel like I want to just keep driving and escape to somewhere else
I feel trapped 😭 CAN SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING... LAST NIGHT MY HUSBAND SAID TO ME, "IF YOU WANT 'FEELINGS' GO MARRY A LESBIAN" WTF 😒😢. WHAT IS THAT?¿?? PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND?@#$. THAT'S SO MESSED UP. ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN THE MARRIAGE, (THE TOXICITY)! HE SAID IT SO SERIOUSLY AND SO MEAN. BUT PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THAT STATEMENT THANK YOU ALL IN ADVANCE
So, I watched an experience go down between my son and his girlfriend. She spent 4 days yelling and screaming at him which escalated to her punching him on the 4th day. It started because he left the house to work on his truck without telling her wear he was going. Her experience was that he left angry and didn't tell her where he was going. He didn't say anything to her because eairly in the Dat when he tried to tell her his plans she snapped at him and told him she didn't care and didn't want to know. He wasn't angry, he was sad and he was respecting her wishes. I'm watching this go down, so my perspective is his reality but I can tell how she's leaving and what she's saying that she really believes what she's saying and that she just my feel gaslit from us. She's saying that all of us thinks she's manic. Which is the reality of it. What's she believes happened didn't happen. How does one validate in this situation? She absolutely panicked that nobody believes her amd is heading off the self destructive path amd it's absolutely tragic.
Honestly my parents even admitted that they are emotionally invalidating me and they’ll keep doing it anyway because they don’t care what I think. No Contact is the only option. We must be comfortable in our own skin and learn to walk away from toxic relationships. One way or another, we’re dependent on others. If we walk away from our parents, maybe we want that validation from our spouse or friends, but it doesn’t work. We can only have relationships from a place of “independence” from that person, and that’s why it’s hard because we’re enmeshed in many ways. Many times it’s financial. What if you lose your job and are living by yourself in an apartment rental ? What if you lose all your savings ? I think we have to learn from a very early age how to take charge of our own life. Unconditional love is not there as much as we want. If we rely on others for financial or emotional support, we are bound to be doomed. We must be self-sufficient if that makes sense.
I think my therapist is invalidating. Been struggling with this for a month or so. It started out all good. And now i see how i keep gaslighting myself. I need to find a new therapist. Some therapist are in their own bubble of expertise.
My issue is I invalidate my girlfriend well ex-girlfriend when she gets triggered and goes into survival mode. I now know I need to completely validate her experience and deescalate her so she can become more receptive to what my experience is. I also realized I need to be more receptive to what my partner is telling me. It got so bad for her that she no longer feels safe around me. That is one of the hardest L' s I have ever had to take. She gets very defensive when I tell her my feelings are hurt from her behavior. She's trying to figure out if it's CPTSD BPD or NPD in therapy. She can acknowledge that she's doing it to me but she can't stop doing it because It's her trauma response and she doesn't know how to identify her emotions and articulate what she needs from me. I quite often feel like I have to walk on eggshells to not set her off. I am anxiously attached. She is avoidantly attached. If I try to force her to talk to me it will only push her away. But if I don't get communication I am hurting so badly. There has to be a compromise in the future for anything to work between us. But at this moment I have to acknowledge she is not okay right now. I have to make it mostly about her and respect her boundary.
If she truly is npd or bpd run. From what you are describing it sounds like a classic cluster b and codependent relationship. You being the codependent and her the cluster b. Get out and take care of yourself. Trust me.
What if the people who invalidate you are family members such as siblings and extended family? It's hard to avoid family gatherings. And trust me I would walk away but my son needs family and loves the cousins etc.
Love them from a distance. They will not change but you can change the way you react to their toxicity. It’s worked marvelously for me. My kids have their relationships with fam and I have mine. I don’t talk about any of them to the kids and if I must see them I am kind and then move on.
Can someone anyone help me? My fiance I’ve stopped dressing up for him because the first month we met I did look so beautiful and happy and excited to dress up but he never said anything and then he made a comment about a woman at the gym being smoking hot and having a great body and he kept pointing her out to me. She was super pretty facially but her body was not usually the type he would hail as fantastic given he is a gym freak. Since then I’ve constantly reinforced to myself that he doesn’t notice me or my looks or body so I’ve stopped dressing up- something I loved to do. I keep giving him hell over this matter that he was so joyful and excited at the sight of her and to show her to me but he’s never displayed that reaction to me when I’ve looked amazing. It’s giving me hell and my self esteem is on the floor and it hurts so bad and I’m marrying him in 3 weeks. He also made comments that women look awful on their wedding days due to white not being flattering and just the stress making them look bad and it already ruined my self esteem for the wedding day.
Sounds like you need for them to "validate" your decision to leave, so you can emerge "the victim" for the purpose of garnering sympathy (external validation) from others.
Let's just say love and disgust are two flows in mind of any parent, and our parents chose us for the flow of disgust and wrong doing, not flow of love which probably was given to our sibling(s)
My stupid ass always thinking what if he wants to change?. Nope to late i have been dysregulated for to many times now i also cried 2 times on the streets because i had an argument and didn't felt validated in my feelings. The lozer always said check in with your inner child and validate yourself look at this and look at that you are codependent. Idk he was a lesson! The person that thought me all that good stuff also made me suffer and ignored my needs how weird and confusing is that because he made me feel safe and in the same time messes with my head. He learned me that i should not give a ***** because if i had listen to my innerchild a that moment he wansnt around me anymore but because i'am codependent i'm scared to leave. But now im going to leave it messes with my head i cannot function anymore :( it feels very spiritually abusive and i lost my self to many times.
Whenever I want to address something that bothers me, I become the problem.
So true
same! And I don't do that to people.
Same! I never speak to my family the way they speak to me and yet I’m the one thats an ungrateful brat and my feeling unsupported is my fault! Such bs and it will never change. You just have to extricate yourself from the situation
@@hbutter1306 I'm so sorry. I feel you. It's horrible 😭🫂
Sometimes we are the problem...but most folks can't think that deep
My husband seriously laughed at me. I’m trying to express how lonely I feel in a home with his family that simply won’t grow up. Every time I try to express how I feel last on his list he laughs at me. I’m so close to just packing and leaving I didn’t get married to be unhappy…and that’s where I’m at 😢
Set this boundary and stick to it. I watched my mother get disrespected like this, my whole life, and 30 years later, they are still married, though they basically never speak to each other. It is a life full of resentment and misery. If you can’t clear the air now, and find a real IMMEDIATE change moving forward, move on. Because they will grow up a lot slower than you will break down.
"your inner child needs you step up for her" damn that hit a different spot
This has opened my eyes like nothing else before. I just understood why I start to doubt myself in those situations where you know you’re right. GASLIGHTING myself. Thank you!!
yes, me too, learnt from childhood trauma
I have the opposite problem, I do the constant invalidating. This has really highlighted one of my biggest shortcomings. Thank you for helping open my eyes. I have a lot to work on.
You aren’t alone, going through this with my partner. I wish to fix this so bad it’s a cycle for us and it’ll end here.
I'll just love and validate myself at this point.
Whenever I try to tell my wife about something I'm sincerely struggling with, she ALWAYS responds with, "no, thats not how you feel...you feel X" (X always being a negative, hateful thing). It's painful, but I've learned to live with it. I've learned to realize that I don't need external validation to feel better.
You could be with someone who celebrates your reality and cherishes your perspective.
Remember that you decide your attitude and abrasive people can’t graze your feelings and put your mood down as much.
It is a 100% because of you and learning through you that I have had the strength to leave a situation where I was being completely mistreated. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and recommend to anyone to follow your teachings xxxx
Oh wow this is wonderful! Congrats & thank you so much!
Yeaj, combine this with having PTSD and Bipolar. With ivalidation and gaslighting she gets me to the point that I'm so frustrated and hurt, I start to become suicidal. I have nobody in my life other than her so I just learn to bottle it up and not share any more emotions with anyone.
I'm here. Unless you're a covert 👹 as well. Which you might be. Might not be. Well here's an ear if you need it 👍
Hey man, I'm going through alot of the same thing. I also don't have any friends or anyone really to talk about it with. I'm here if you want to talk
same :/ if i ever told her how she makes me feel the only thing i would be met with is aggression, blame-shifting, and guilt tripping. Never an apology. If she is the only one i have then what is the point of trying to continue to live if living in the past has only lead to this. I feel you. btw my name is also daniel. ✌
How do you know you are bipolar? I have a relative who seems bipolar
Remember that you decide your attitude and abrasive people can’t graze your feelings or put your mood down as much. Be of sound mind rather than losing your head to match how you feel and only feeling that way because you allowed others to get you down.
Finally. It makes sense. I always felt unsure and guilty if I wanted to leave. I wanted his approval. It would kill me to either stay or to go. Of course, then he left me when I was so numb and exhausted. It’s been a year and I am learning about myself more in this past year than ever before. I am almost 50 and I finally have been awakened. My inner child has my love and attention now. Really like your videos. You are so clear and confident in truth.
If someone pulls a DARVO, I can feel it in my gut first. When I feel it, i look back into the specifics and i can see it. Its helped me so much, to be able to see and know what it is and why I feel so hurt/betrayed. My mom pulled one via text, it was so slick I almost couldn't find it, even though it was written out. Trusting my body more than my attachment figure has been huge! Validation that I was right, as a kid.
Thanks for this video. My negative experiences are being invalidated and my family called me being negative. I wanna make sure it’s validated. I’m pressured to have a family, have a gf, have a job and things going on.
Also I wanted to add that usually the belief system of illness (this whole lie they present us) tends to make us believe that LOVE is an exange good, when its NOT. And also, probably YOU where the love there (in the situation). So They've got nothinng! that's why they wanted to keep us little & powerless. They feel so little inside, and they are so afraid, that can only play with unprotected kids.
I cant believe I've suffered so much for people like this.
Deep heart hug to all of us.
Love you Sister 💜
Thank you for your work✨
you saved my life. it feels scary even saying this while feeling validated after having watched your video cause i'm afraid that's not my truth even though it is.
Same
I’ve met a looooot of narcissists because of being adopted into a narcissistic family house hold. It sucks! I have to wake up to every little thing that they are doing to me to fight back at it
That's because narcissism is a survival tactic in a narcissistic world. to be successful in society you literally have to be narcissistic. All billionaires are in some way shape or form narcissistic because they have to be, thats how the system works. Alot of them didnt start of as narcissists and many were down to earth and empathetic but had to sacrifice it push to the top. Until we all fight to change society and make a new societal system then non of this will change. yet people are just either isolating themselves to death or have to become narcissistic to push for more money and stability
Totally we’re used to obstacle course love and being completely self sufficient. Thank you Candace, super smart as ever.
Amen! Excellent video! I realize that because I have withdrawn from dating at this time for fear that I am "not ready" to love anyone properly or be loved properly, I am now instead transferring this dynamic onto my work relationships with unhealthy relations to my employers.
Your perspective in this video makes so much sense and helps me to better understand how this same dynamic is showing up for me at work.
I have been caught in a cycle of repeatedly choosing employers who want more from me than I can reasonably give and I have been invalidating myself for the sake of continuing to work with them until the point of burnout.
In relationships, I tend to think that the other person expects something from me in return for treating me well and I have been failing to acknowledge that I shouldn't have to overextend myself to "earn" a good relationship. A healthy relationship should respect my limits and boundaries.
With this information, I feel more ready to acknowledge my needs and expectations for myself without falling back into an approval-seeking pattern.
We can't avoid relationships entirely and it doesn't matter whether we are actively dating or not. Our learned patterns will keep showing up until we address and resolve them.
Thank you for your insight!
Wow just Wow you really break this all the way down! I feel this is so deeply from childhood.
Yes
It’s been a long journey of awakening coming to awareness of these unconscious programs running in any type of relationship. As you awaken, prepare for serious backlash as you learn to love yourself and say no more. Namaste and walk away. No means No. Candace is absolutely right, and it can be scary. Fellowshipping with others in a support group really helps us not feel so alone, powerless and help curb self-doubt. It also takes away the power of those who are much more comfortable with you remaining asleep and unconscious. This is all a part of the healing process we must go through to know and remain in alignment with our true self. Anything really difficult to grow through yields the greatest reward. In this case, the rewards are endless whether it’s empowerment, self confidence, good healthy, joy, abundance, etc….
We never see or realize any of the gifts of this work until we do our healing work.
Wishing everyone the courage, strength and fortitude to continue to press through.
❤️🌞
Just finished watching this video and I have tears in my eyes. I think I’ve reached my limit with the person I was with for a year. I was always expecting him to validate my feelings or my decision to leave, which he never did, promised to get better but never changed anything. I was at a point where I would have breakdowns begging him to just spend a night with me. He’d tell me he was afraid of me and my reactions so he kept pushing back while simultaneously controlling me (driving by my work place, calling when I didn’t answer to his multiple texts interrogating me if I was with someone else). He constantly said I was the love of his life but couldn’t take me out to dinner. He always prioritized his friends, videogames and work. I’d confront him, he’d deny, said he needed that alone time. He’d always give me just enough crumbles to keep me going but when I put my foot down he’d blame my reactions and say I was too difficult or harsh or unfair. I was asking for the bare minimum. My brain feels like scrambled eggs. I have so much hurt. I couldn’t leave because anytime I tried he’d turn it around and act nice for a week. You worded it so perfectly. I’m so sad. I really do hope I made the right choice.
After reading what you wrote, you definitely did the right thing. He didn’t deserve you at all and I hope you find peace in knowing that❤️
I'm in this situation now and I'm struggling to stay sure that I'm right to feel upset about the way he treats me.
Hey Candace, thanks for the lovely mention! Woke up to this first thing! Such a great drop of amazing insight before I even start my day. This is a major shift for me. I'm definitely feeling validated and supported as I listen. So much so that I know i am finally healing from this at 57 and therein lies the healing. The validation and knowing I am right about my feelings and perceptions. Thank you 🙏💕😊
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻❣️
Thank you so much Candace for your Channel~~
Holy cow! You just answered my random issues triggered! I hate that word but it’s truly the right word. I did codependency for 3 years! I find now that I’m in a healthy and wonderful relationship I still have an every , like every 2 years, triggered conversation. Thank you. I need more of this
So true, after I left my x, I was physically free I was in ireland and he was in England, but I spent about 2 years begging him to understand that he'd been so abusive to me I'd had no choice. He never, ever acknowledged that he hadn't treated me well. SAME AS MY PARENTS. They invalidate me and betray me and then give me the silent treatment for asking for them to respect me. 3 years in to a silent treatment from my parents at the moment. Obviously working on validating myself and trying to heal my inner child from the wound of invalidation.
I’m like 777 ( so many synchronicities in my life)
Total divine timing hearing this right now.
Thank you!
TOO REAL. its what i needed to hear today, thank you.
I was dating a man. We had a wonderful and healthy relationship and we shared and loved eachother. We each had come from toxic relationships so this was a breath of fresh air. To have love and a friendship like this. One day he fell off a kayak and he really felt his life was In Danger that moment. As he was telling me I was in shock as I listened, I know i said oh no! He was telling me about all the things he had to do to replace his belongings as a result, but he was ok, nothing happened to him Thankfully! I asked if I should go over to be with him through it. He said no. Somehow I invalidated his feelings by not asking enough questions or not sounding interested over the phone. It was such a big issue enough for him to nearly end our relationship and there was nothing I could say to help him understand I did not vocalize it. But I did validate his experience on my side. At that moment I must have been very tired or busy. We manged to get through that. But in another instance he felt threatened by my brother Inlaw: I did agree with him. I may have not asked questions about it. But I did tell him I didn't like the behavior as well and that I would speak to my sister about it. That wasn't enough. I had invalidated his feelings to no end... Over these two issues. I can agree I naturally am not the most validating. I do what I can and I try really hard. I know I have discomforts with many intense emotions. That doesn't mean I'm a emotionally invalidating monster who is a gaslighter.
Tysm i really was gaslighting myself all this time
Big awareness right!?
Solid advice in this video. External locus of identity is quite common. Don’t depend on allocation alone but learn to cultivate. Cultivate a positive attitude, your mood and feelings will follow. Many of us are dysregulated, learn to function fully rather than just cope. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, strength and soul.
Thank you for this 🙏🏻 beautiful video!!
Mind blowing... This has happened to me. Thank you ❤️
Thank you so much for this . Your an Angel 💛
WOW! This resonated with me so much and made total sense of what I’ve been through recently!
Thank you 🙏🏾
I was trying to watch this so hard but I kept dissociating. So I definitely think I found a trigger. (That’s a good thing)
In the dating world, I get only fake people who initially validate me. After a couple of months, they show their true colors.
Thank you for this! Now I understand it.
🙌🏻🙌🏻
Oh my goodness... Thank you Candace😯😄🙏💜🦋, I really needed to hear this right now! I even think I'm going to listen to it over and over. Huge validation, by the way ! 😂
Super. Thanks Candace!
miss you friend. Hope all is well.
@@CandacevanDell all is well indeed Candace - thank you. I have benefitted so much from your efforts. Can’t thank you enough. And….this video really helped me today. Cheers!
Shane and Jack
I must say that, this has been so enlightening. When I share with this man what I’ve felt he immediately makes it about how much he has done and why I’m wrong for feeling the way I do.. I don’t hate many things but I hate how he is towards me yelling and screaming for 5 years.
I told him that at two hours a day for five years that is 3550 hours of yelling and screaming and if we were paid a millionaires salary which is $526 an hour we would be at 1.800,000+ dollars in revenue because he has to turn everything I say into an argument and downplay it and he was like that is a lie. That’s a lie and I told them every single day you wanna argue do you want to scream? Do you want to yell and this is just not for me it is time for me to leave and in fact, I’ve already checked out of the relationship, but I hope that you ladies and gentlemen can make the same type of understanding in terms of time and money. This man argues every day, and always for more than two hours. I was just doing that as a minimum.
I definitely needed to hear this .. wow thank you !!!
This applies to friendships too
I’ve stumbled upon an angel. And I must say you remind me of Eva Evangelista. Thank you for you. You don’t know what this has done for me. Many blessings to you.
I’ve admitted doing this. So I believe people can admit when they’ve done wrong.
Thank you very much!! 🙏💖💖
you just like revealed my whole life to me like literally this is every single day for me omfg thank you SO MUCH this helps so much and gvae me so much of a bigger perspective this helped so much like genugienly u are an angel for dis ily
Wow this is perfect for me right now! Thank you so so so much! You made something so complicated inside of us for so long look so simple!
I can't say I was right about past break ups. I mean, I could have married anyone else I dated and it would have turned out better than it did! That said, I met and married my first husband at 24, so these dates I am talking about were when I had little self awareness and even less awareness about what was going on in my family. I was the perfect broken target who had no protection from a sociopathic predator which is exactly who he turned out to be. Most likely those past relationships were doomed as well because I just couldn't help but attract narcissists. When my life fell apart I realized just how imbalanced all of my relationships had been when I found myself utterly alone. Things were fine so long as I had no needs.
Awesome video! So true. Thanks for sharing, Candace
It is my pleasure 💛
Wow, thank you so much, I needed this.
You are very welcome!
Wow this hit in a different way. Thanks for this!
Thank you, such a great explanation of invalidating mess.
I'm in a relationship where I am continuously getting invalidated. Thank you for your help.
Thank you so much for this helpful video. I can relate. I'm so grateful you shared this. I felt like I attracted invalidation or gaslighting from others and wanted to stop this cycle in my life but I can see this cycle and how I gaslit myself seeking validation from who can't give it, thinking I was wrong, just like my upbringing..so spot on.. Thanks again ! this makes total sence..I needed to hear this. 🌻
Wow this is exactly it thank you so much
Perfect timing for this thank you 🙌🏻🙏🏻💙
Wow, I can relate to this exactly… thank you for articulating it so well for me to better process my experience right now.
Perfect!!! Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Welcome!
This is awesome! Thank you
This just confused me further & convinced me I could be "wrong."
Really informative and important video, thank you so much for your work!
My mum invalidates me a lot (actually a lot of my family does but I’ll just talk about my mum in this example). I wanted to get a job, go to uni, move out and get my drivers licence, which the majority of 17 year olds do (this was a few years ago. I’m in my 20s now). My mum refused to let me do any of this. She’d rip up job applications in front of me. I was told I had to stay at home and be a free babysitter for my younger sisters, cook and clean the house. My mum also wanted me to pay to stay at her house, which I had to go on welfare to be able to do that otherwise I would’ve been homeless. I feel like I can’t do anything now. She kept my cat as a way of keeping me from leaving. I managed to get my licence without her knowing and every time I drive back home from somewhere I feel like I want to just keep driving and escape to somewhere else
Get as far away from her as possible!!! ASAP
You’re being pressured to do all those things but it has time frames. Start slow and never let ur self being invalidated. I’m in similar situation.
It's so rare often it is the other way
Thanks
The part that trips me up is that they initially come off as really available. How am I supposed to see through that and know that its a facade?
I am looking for them and others to validate my decisions. It’s crazy
I do that too
Yesss
Its super draining. I also try to find a way to still have contact with them to not hurt their feelings
🥺this is what I’m experiencing taking a leap of faith & im scared but no one’s said you can do this. Im having to validate myself
Bruh I love u what a clarifying message
Thank God for Rose.
Thank you this video made me understand a lot of things!
I feel trapped 😭
CAN SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING... LAST NIGHT MY HUSBAND SAID TO ME, "IF YOU WANT 'FEELINGS' GO MARRY A LESBIAN" WTF 😒😢. WHAT IS THAT?¿?? PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND?@#$. THAT'S SO MESSED UP. ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN THE MARRIAGE, (THE TOXICITY)! HE SAID IT SO SERIOUSLY AND SO MEAN. BUT PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THAT STATEMENT
THANK YOU ALL IN ADVANCE
So, I watched an experience go down between my son and his girlfriend. She spent 4 days yelling and screaming at him which escalated to her punching him on the 4th day. It started because he left the house to work on his truck without telling her wear he was going. Her experience was that he left angry and didn't tell her where he was going. He didn't say anything to her because eairly in the Dat when he tried to tell her his plans she snapped at him and told him she didn't care and didn't want to know. He wasn't angry, he was sad and he was respecting her wishes. I'm watching this go down, so my perspective is his reality but I can tell how she's leaving and what she's saying that she really believes what she's saying and that she just my feel gaslit from us. She's saying that all of us thinks she's manic. Which is the reality of it. What's she believes happened didn't happen. How does one validate in this situation? She absolutely panicked that nobody believes her amd is heading off the self destructive path amd it's absolutely tragic.
Facts as sharp as a surgery blade. Thanks
hey soul tribe!! Lets keep going and not give in to the pattern that isn't the real us~~ LOVe to you All~
Excellent insight. Thx 🙏🏻
Oh the shit out of myself
Honestly my parents even admitted that they are emotionally invalidating me and they’ll keep doing it anyway because they don’t care what I think. No Contact is the only option. We must be comfortable in our own skin and learn to walk away from toxic relationships. One way or another, we’re dependent on others. If we walk away from our parents, maybe we want that validation from our spouse or friends, but it doesn’t work. We can only have relationships from a place of “independence” from that person, and that’s why it’s hard because we’re enmeshed in many ways. Many times it’s financial. What if you lose your job and are living by yourself in an apartment rental ? What if you lose all your savings ? I think we have to learn from a very early age how to take charge of our own life. Unconditional love is not there as much as we want. If we rely on others for financial or emotional support, we are bound to be doomed. We must be self-sufficient if that makes sense.
Thank you!
Welcome 🙏🏻
Thank you so much !
Thank-You! 🙌☮️💟☯️🙏
Amazzzzzzing ❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
I think my therapist is invalidating. Been struggling with this for a month or so. It started out all good. And now i see how i keep gaslighting myself. I need to find a new therapist. Some therapist are in their own bubble of expertise.
Totally agree
@@CandacevanDell thank you. 😊 Very validating 😂
Amazing video! ✨✨✨
Me and my decisions are valid because my opinion is the only one that matters in my own individual path
My issue is I invalidate my girlfriend well ex-girlfriend when she gets triggered and goes into survival mode. I now know I need to completely validate her experience and deescalate her so she can become more receptive to what my experience is.
I also realized I need to be more receptive to what my partner is telling me. It got so bad for her that she no longer feels safe around me. That is one of the hardest L' s I have ever had to take.
She gets very defensive when I tell her my feelings are hurt from her behavior. She's trying to figure out if it's CPTSD BPD or NPD in therapy. She can acknowledge that she's doing it to me but she can't stop doing it because It's her trauma response and she doesn't know how to identify her emotions and articulate what she needs from me. I quite often feel like I have to walk on eggshells to not set her off.
I am anxiously attached. She is avoidantly attached. If I try to force her to talk to me it will only push her away. But if I don't get communication I am hurting so badly. There has to be a compromise in the future for anything to work between us. But at this moment I have to acknowledge she is not okay right now. I have to make it mostly about her and respect her boundary.
If she truly is npd or bpd run. From what you are describing it sounds like a classic cluster b and codependent relationship. You being the codependent and her the cluster b. Get out and take care of yourself. Trust me.
Thank you
What if the people who invalidate you are family members such as siblings and extended family? It's hard to avoid family gatherings. And trust me I would walk away but my son needs family and loves the cousins etc.
Love them from a distance. They will not change but you can change the way you react to their toxicity. It’s worked marvelously for me. My kids have their relationships with fam and I have mine. I don’t talk about any of them to the kids and if I must see them I am kind and then move on.
I remember my ex told me one time :”you need to earn my trust.”
Love your content. Not sure why but there’s a loud hum in the background of this video
If I think like that then I am accused of being a narcissist
Can someone anyone help me?
My fiance I’ve stopped dressing up for him because the first month we met I did look so beautiful and happy and excited to dress up but he never said anything and then he made a comment about a woman at the gym being smoking hot and having a great body and he kept pointing her out to me. She was super pretty facially but her body was not usually the type he would hail as fantastic given he is a gym freak.
Since then I’ve constantly reinforced to myself that he doesn’t notice me or my looks or body so I’ve stopped dressing up- something I loved to do.
I keep giving him hell over this matter that he was so joyful and excited at the sight of her and to show her to me but he’s never displayed that reaction to me when I’ve looked amazing.
It’s giving me hell and my self esteem is on the floor and it hurts so bad and I’m marrying him in 3 weeks. He also made comments that women look awful on their wedding days due to white not being flattering and just the stress making them look bad and it already ruined my self esteem for the wedding day.
thank you very much
But what if I love her
It's weird I keep liking your video and it won't let me.
Sounds like you need for them to "validate" your decision to leave, so you can emerge "the victim" for the purpose of garnering sympathy (external validation) from others.
So should I say something to the person who u know constantly invalidates you?
Shadow work?
Great video
Let's just say love and disgust are two flows in mind of any parent, and our parents chose us for the flow of disgust and wrong doing, not flow of love which probably was given to our sibling(s)
Sometimes god separates you because he heard conversations you didn’t. It’s better to distance yourself from toxic environments
My stupid ass always thinking what if he wants to change?. Nope to late i have been dysregulated for to many times now i also cried 2 times on the streets because i had an argument and didn't felt validated in my feelings. The lozer always said check in with your inner child and validate yourself look at this and look at that you are codependent. Idk he was a lesson! The person that thought me all that good stuff also made me suffer and ignored my needs how weird and confusing is that because he made me feel safe and in the same time messes with my head. He learned me that i should not give a ***** because if i had listen to my innerchild a that moment he wansnt around me anymore but because i'am codependent i'm scared to leave. But now im going to leave it messes with my head i cannot function anymore :( it feels very spiritually abusive and i lost my self to many times.
Damn. I'm triggered watching this.
🙏🏻