As an older infj, I have discovered that the mastery of your position is the most important. If you are being mentored the first rule is never step on your mentors toes and never break off Communications because there will always be something to learn from your mentor and doors that could be opened. As far as a narcissist mentor you have to finesse them especially if you work for them give them what they want even though you know better. Once you have mastered your position and with constant pressure you can overcome and pass the narcissist because you have mastered your position and the narcissist can no longer hold back what others can see clearly this may take more than just a few months it may take years if not decades it all depends on how much you like your job. The Dynamics of this topic are vast. It would be cool to go deeper in depth with this topic. Great video thank you
A simple suggestion to the caller/ people facing similar situation. Instead of being clouded and confused by all the complex psychology and theory, see the situation for what it is. If you want the relationship to last and if you want it to be a healthy one, Open conversations are the only way. If however you don't want the relationship to be an important part of your life, just be a student, wait until course is complete and then cut the ties. An MBA course is not forever. If there is any potential for mental, physical or sexual abuse here, please don't even think about playing games. Its just not worth it. If you are dealing with a narcissist (a self righteous egocentric person) you will never win them over with truth. If he is trying to manipulate you and it is really affecting you, stop being available for him whenever he needs and find support from people superior than him regarding power. Let him know you are not in his grasp whenever you are near the guy. You do that by being a little bit more courageous than you are now.
I do have a personality similar to yours, Clay, and throughout my life, I've strugged with this - not even realizing what was happening. I approach things in a straightforward manner and make huge mistakes by thinking others are the same way.
You handled this “mentor” issue with your usual, gentle style. Good job. Well said. My take is a bit less, polite. Mentor, types, generally have a health ego. So, as a “student”,... keeping a good amount of flattery/ admiration, and humble gratitude... flowing. It seems to feed the beast. You get what you need. As you are ready to move on.... close the tap.. slowly.. they, are less likely to notice until you are already repositioned in your new location. Those of us with the, Grandiose Narcissist, history, unfortunately, learned this the very hard way. Hope this wasn’t too snarky. Love the question and your analysis. Nice to hear from you, Sir.
thank you I appreciate this I need to throw in more flattery & admiration I’ve certainly been slacking on this with my mentor. Do you have any more tips?
Seems like every single supervisor I have worked for had been this 'beast'. And, with my personality, I do not like to kiss anybody's behind. Just do your job and let me do my job, because I do not give a s*** about their insecurities and instabilities. Many times, I have noticed, these leader/mentors or supervisors tend to have bipolar issue. It is best if a person can remove themselves away from these people or keep it to a minimal contact. They are toxic, unhealthy individuals.
I just love to listen to Clay. It feels good to hear him giving an attuned perspective on the caller's situation. Regarding the upcoming topic of rejection sensitivity dysophoria: It depends on how much you cling to your self image and how much you make it dependent on external factors. One thing I learned (but still not imbodied) is that rejection is just an _image_ of yourself which gets rejected... _which is not you._ Imagine a person spending 5 minutes in your presence (seeing you interact or speaking with you, whatever it might be). This person has an image of you which is somewhat representative of you but can also be completely wrong. When they then reject you on the basis of the 5 minutes they reject your 5-minute image. _It is not you but the image that is rejected._ Making it extreme, you can be rejected by a person you spend your whole life with. Though it is suggested that you introspect about yourself it is still the image of you in them they rejected. You can apply rejection to yourself. Remember any time you rejected yourself because ____. You didn't like that image of yourself. However you focused on that part that you didn't like. What is actually better is embrace and integration: you own that what you reject about yourself. Then you lovingly allow yourself to feel the inspiration of what you actually what to have, be and experience.
with 100% honesty, i’ve seen this power dynamic thing. i’ve managed to learn to let other people, superior and inferior than me, to think they’re all the -er. better, smarter, stronger, and all the -er, than me. just to maintain my inner peace. so long as they don’t affect me with their stupidity, i’m all good allowing them to think they’re better than me, whether that’s true or not. being better than anyone else didn’t make me feel better anyway. and i agree with you, i have no problems being equal with everyone. knowing that God blessed us with specific gifts, all I care about is the full sharing of our strengths without the irritation of useless competition. unity instead of one-upping.
The caller's situation reminds me a lot of one I was in with a man at my work. Married guy confiding in me and flirting with me, giving me special treatment, but also being manipulative at times. I found later that he was repeating this same sort of dynamic with different female employees, because my coworker actually also started confiding in me that the same thing was happening between him and her. I'm very glad, though, that this person wasn't in direct authority to me, because I could just essentially observe and ignore his attempts to manipulate me. My coworker didn't find this so easy and was more taken in. He still sends me dramatic little messages implying that I've abandoned him from time to time, to which I respond that if he wants to talk to me or spend time with me he can anytime. He either doesn't take me up on it or does and stands me up. I guess I'm supposed to be upset by that? What a ridiculous guy.
Loved watching your videos as always! Can you make a video about intuitives trying to fit in the sensory world and how they can deal and make the best out of it, I always seem to get frustrated and feel like how can people not see some things which are so clear in my mind.
Clay, when I mentor, that is my goal, that they see themselves as an equal and own it. I just love seeing people grow, gain confidence before my eyes. Sometimes, I feel, I am just meant to come into people's lives for just a flicker, like a muse. Once they have the tools they need, they seem to just go away.
Wish I learnt this power dynamics law years ago. My greatest mistake was believing my boss that I could have full autonomy over my work (she was almost twice my age and told me I was capable enough to handle things on my own), so I took her word for it and took full control over my work and schedule without getting her involved at all, thinking I was doing her a big favour by not giving her things to worry about. She ended up subtly micromanaging me in later months and we had some sort of tension that never got resolved until she resigned. Slowly I learnt from colleagues that she liked being asked for advice and feeling included, but didn't want to come across as needy. Sometimes what the 'mentor' wants is an emotional exchange but I hate how these are often not communicated at the start... to protect one's ego I guess. Sigh.
I think the standard human ego IS "a narcissist" in a way. I mean as separate individuals we all naturally have at a least a part of us that cares about"winning"..."self preservation"... not wanting to "lose ground" in regard to power, etc...and who is constantly "keeping score"...That's always been true, and I think it's becoming more true and more necessary as time goes on..and for most of us a lot of this is operating beneath our full conscious awareness. In a perfect world, mentors might be fully self aware and fully conscious...and fully matured people who are motivated only by passing on the wealth of knowledge they've accumulated, but that's just not the world we live in, so I agree with the advise here and feel that seeing the world as it is and working within that reality and being carefull about how we navigate through these situations...not only realizing, but also accepting the fact that though a mentor may have a lot to offer us, they are human (and have egos) too and as long as what they need in return is within reason, I don't think there's anything inherently "wrong" in mastering that "game" to our mutual advantage. Some of us (and I'm one) may have a harder time with that game than others though and may opt NOT to play it....feeling that the cost to our own value system is just too high....and that's fine too. I think just making that decision consciously can save us from feeling like a victim down the road. Also want to say, if said "mentor" is operating like a narcissist or a predator that's a whole other story.
We human beings are just so flawed.. surely if a person was emotionally mature and generous he would be happy to share his wisdom and seeing the person benefit would be it’s own reward. Humility would help too.. Enjoying your ‘musings’ and insight Clay - lovely decor too, btw - goes with your complexion 😉
I struggle with leadership power dynamics at work, especially as a mature professional in my late 40s who has not developed a taste or skill for office politics and the related zero sum game-playing. Nonetheless, leaders often confuse superior technical expertise with superior emotional intelligence and maturity or rely on subordinates too much for the latter - that's when it gets very hard to manage expectations.
Students of sociology can tell you that authority is created through belief in its legitimacy. The designation of legitimate authority (leaders/leadership) occurs through social interaction when individuals act on the basis of their beliefs.
“I don’t want to mentor someone forever “ Exactly. I used to be a mentor for junior colleagues who had similar aspirations. I would tell them that its better to learn to fish, than be given a fish. I often felt that the majority of these relationships were gimme. They would use flattery to make me feel that I had a special talent that they could never achieve. Even became my “friends.” Yet, I wouldn’t see them putting in the effort required to reach our common goals. This flattery started to bug me, because I could see the inconsistencies between their comments and behaviors. As if they would hang out on the beach all day then show up to the seafood dinner, telling me that Im just the better fisherman. Its difficult when people at times show some signs of effort. Although, you wonder if its just bread crumbing to keep your attention. Are they at the beach because they cant (and thus escaping) or wont? I tried to set boundaries, but then it became an expectation from even those above me who would validate the fallacies of my mentees. My boss would comment on my “perfection” and the “new generation” of entitlement. I saw this as manipulation (no one is perfect, big red flag starters), and I don’t think cultural evolution is universally factual in this context. I am no longer in that role, and guess what ... none of them are around. In reflection, I wonder how can one be a good servant leader (style by Greenleaf that resonates with me) and help from a place of authentic purpose? It seems that mentors who lead for selfish or egotistical reasons (versus servanthood) deal with less of these issues. I am not justifying ego leaders, but my experience was the flip-side. I didn’t want recognition, but to see them progress. Maybe another critical component is to identify who is a true mentee. I’ve been on both sides, so I can empathize with your follower’s situation too .... its a tough spot when another’s position of power limits ones ability to even set boundaries. And sometimes it’s even hard to tell who has the power. The mentor or the mentee.
This was a great pleasure to listen to. I really enjoy listening to highly introspective people work through their thoughts and ideas. It rubs off on you and makes you think about other things with the same considerate approach. I don't know--it scratches a certain itch. I feel like a just read a really cool short story, or like I read a short dialogue by Plato or something like that, lol. Great video.
Outstanding honest explaination of INFJ feelings, helpful and very interesting videos. Thanks a lot for sharing your excellent analytical knowledge in this field. Please keep enriching us (INFJ) with your outstanding videos. Your are so 🎁ed. BRAVO, MERCI, SHOUKRAN
Clay, I am concerned that your caller's mentor is in a position to manipulate her once positive feelings and regard for him to pursue a less than professional personal relationship with her in exchange for his 'guidance' and support...That possibility raises red flags for me...
About your rejection topic, I recently discovered the attachment theory and the typical core wounds related to the different kind of attachment style. Feeling rejected (without being actually the case) is one of many core wounds that exist... I personally enjoy listening to Thais Gibson, she is very informative in her videos and helpful at the same time. You should check it out!
Money, sex, and power tend to be the real driving forces. We can talk about... uhh, rules. But we are animals. If we allow ourselves to be subjected to abuse, then we give others permission to treat us as a target. That teacher is abusing his authoritative position. That girl needs to remember that she can get her Masters with or without him. If the other students are getting by without his special attention, then she can get by fine without it too. She doesn't need to play his game.
The INFJ thing is all about being authentic, even when we understand others don't value it as highly, so playing games is unnatural and seems unethical. I have a hard time understanding why some people seek out mentors and gurus. We all need teachers but when it comes to life coaches and spiritual advisers (people who seem to believe they can teach something beyond facts), those mentors are desperate for adulation, which is pathetic. Interestingly, some recommended INFJ careers are things like counselor and pastor, which have the potential to become toxic mentor/mentee relationships.
@@9fiveb180 Yes, I have a hard time understanding why some people seek mentors and gurus. I would never put myself under someone's spell like that. A fact is a piece of knowledge established by the scientific methodology.
The issue not really being addressed here with the particular form of “mentorship” putatively offered through professional institutions, especially through a university with a graduate program (at the masters or doctoral level) is its coercive nature from the outset. I say this because the nature of academic supervision was seemingly compared to fully voluntary forms of mentorship, as the traveler seeking out the sage for training in their art. While the supervisor discussed here clearly shows an unnecessarily and maybe even unusually “distempered” approach toward the student, probably for the personal reasons mentioned, it’s important to recognize that they are not just capitalizing opportunistically on their power. Such people are instinctively waiting like an alligator with open jaw facing the oncoming stream. Narcissists tend to naturally orient themselves with such “streams” in our society to engage in fundamentally coercive forms of domination. Somewhere inside them, they don’t want the willing student whose submission is voluntary. To them, this is not true submission. This mechanic entered slightly as you stated that no mentor wants to be “exploited” by the student for their expertise. I actually think this is one criterion of the perversion being detected. The “true mentor”, the sage, will see the uncoerced solicitations of the traveler indeed as “true submission”; not to them, but to the art they both treasure.
Clay, thank you so much for your videos they’re always helpful. I’m struggling a lot to navigate these power dynamics at work and would love to hear more. That “rejection sensitivity disorder” sounds fascinating. I can’t wait for your next video.
> This was useful ! Thank You 👋🏼 PS /You are a professor at understanding & explaining social dynamics. I’m learning so much. My life was an endless stream of “ what the F happened ?! “ and since checking out your videos, the fog is lifting ! 🤩✨👋🏼
The first thing you have to realize about people like this mentor, is that you can't think of them as normal reasonable people. In the audio clip she talks about how he ought to behave. This person will not change, you cannot do anything to change him or the situation. Just realize this and stop thinking you can actually do that much about him and his opinion.
Oh I definitely have at least.a mild form of ADHD. I'd be so interested in this convo. I'd say most of my friends who are also ENFPs have ADHD too...so I feel like it's just part of my personality. I think certain personalities are prone to certain issues
Speed vs. delayed response. While working I like fast thinking jobs. Making quick instantaneous decisions. In conversations with people, I give my viewpoint on some of the topics were discussing right away. Others disappear in my head.(subconscious) A day or two later my response pops into my head.(conscious). When I see them again I tell them my viewpoint. So when things are moving fast, I'm fine. When things slow down, like the speed of a conversation, not so fine. Any fixes on this. When things move slow(eureka, I got it) kicks it.
Hope you enjoy your new place. Was wondering if you gf has a UA-cam too. The young lady seems to have run into a cerebral narcissist, and I hope she will be able to fluff and grey rock until she has gotten her diploma. Hopefully the professor was not wanting more of a pay to play type situation.
chess has rules, when the human game rules change without my knowledge i am out i dont understand the games ( with ever changing rules) i cant play those. ISTP
I would like to ask, based on this scenario, whether it is common for INFJs to develop crushes on people who are in the position of teacher, coach, mentor, etc? I often developed small crushes on teachers throughout school. I wonder if it's the INFJ nature that makes us more prone to transference in these types of settings, and in this case with the tutor, was there transference and countertransference at play? The other question is, since you bring ADHD up Clay, is the INFJ in reality just another manifestation of neurodivergence, as in autism, with the difficulty many of us have negotiating relationships and not easily identifying our own feelings?
Remember Im OK Youre OK? Thats good way to help manage power struggles. Basically if you can resort to adult to adult to solve power struggles it will be better. The other stuff …being in child mode or parent mode are fine in certain contexts but not for conflict. Not possible? Well crap! Ha ha….yeah just avoid for sure and accept responsibility for any part you took. If something unjust occurs due to their new position …confront. With tape recorder hidden. Then blackmail!…lol lol lol….but in a way…blackmail. Your trapped fight fire with fire. OR decide how important is it? Grade? Hell yeah. Go to his superiors as an adult. No support? Talk to the new teacher regarding what happened because tou chose him a see if he can adult the other teacher? Yeah. Its a big game. Maybe a B isnt so bad….but not graduating would be all hell breaks loose. Whats gonna REALLY gonna happen now? Maybe just nothing….ignore and avoid narcisists. In fact if it were myself i would have never buddied up. I had a couple start such stuff i evaluated in a just a couple encounters were looking for extra on the side. They can be fired. Especially these days. It was a big disappointment but sure wouldnt affect a grade or degree. After just brief look see. She hung out long time. She needs to own up to what she contributed to this situation and disappointment that may or may not harm her chances for a honest grade or even a degree.i wouldnt name him a mentor here. Name him what he really is….OR hes just trying to save his professionalism by trying to cut the whole relationship off as a BAD idea. Student srushing on teacher can be complicated. Maybe hes just out of there….and she doesnt see that. Maybe she is the immature one whos obsessed and clever at hiding that….until he sees it finally.
Haha it was literally today that I was seeing for your video I accept they are long many a times but they are insightful and intimate Love your perspective ( ˘ ³˘)♥
As an older infj, I have discovered that the mastery of your position is the most important. If you are being mentored the first rule is never step on your mentors toes and never break off Communications because there will always be something to learn from your mentor and doors that could be opened. As far as a narcissist mentor you have to finesse them especially if you work for them give them what they want even though you know better. Once you have mastered your position and with constant pressure you can overcome and pass the narcissist because you have mastered your position and the narcissist can no longer hold back what others can see clearly this may take more than just a few months it may take years if not decades it all depends on how much you like your job.
The Dynamics of this topic are vast. It would be cool to go deeper in depth with this topic. Great video thank you
A simple suggestion to the caller/ people facing similar situation.
Instead of being clouded and confused by all the complex psychology and theory, see the situation for what it is.
If you want the relationship to last and if you want it to be a healthy one, Open conversations are the only way.
If however you don't want the relationship to be an important part of your life, just be a student, wait until course is complete and then cut the ties. An MBA course is not forever.
If there is any potential for mental, physical or sexual abuse here, please don't even think about playing games. Its just not worth it. If you are dealing with a narcissist (a self righteous egocentric person) you will never win them over with truth.
If he is trying to manipulate you and it is really affecting you, stop being available for him whenever he needs and find support from people superior than him regarding power.
Let him know you are not in his grasp whenever you are near the guy. You do that by being a little bit more courageous than you are now.
@@sirmadam8183 Thank you. 😊
Excellent comments, Robin!
@@donnastichert549 Thanks Donna. 😊
I do have a personality similar to yours, Clay, and throughout my life, I've strugged with this - not even realizing what was happening. I approach things in a straightforward manner and make huge mistakes by thinking others are the same way.
You handled this “mentor” issue with your usual, gentle style. Good job. Well said. My take is a bit less, polite. Mentor, types, generally have a health ego. So, as a “student”,... keeping a good amount of flattery/ admiration, and humble gratitude... flowing. It seems to feed the beast. You get what you need. As you are ready to move on.... close the tap.. slowly.. they, are less likely to notice until you are already repositioned in your new location. Those of us with the, Grandiose Narcissist, history, unfortunately, learned this the very hard way. Hope this wasn’t too snarky. Love the question and your analysis. Nice to hear from you, Sir.
thank you I appreciate this I need to throw in more flattery & admiration I’ve certainly been slacking on this with my mentor. Do you have any more tips?
Seems like every single supervisor I have worked for had been this 'beast'. And, with my personality, I do not like to kiss anybody's behind. Just do your job and let me do my job, because I do not give a s*** about their insecurities and instabilities. Many times, I have noticed, these leader/mentors or supervisors tend to have bipolar issue. It is best if a person can remove themselves away from these people or keep it to a minimal contact. They are toxic, unhealthy individuals.
I just love to listen to Clay. It feels good to hear him giving an attuned perspective on the caller's situation.
Regarding the upcoming topic of rejection sensitivity dysophoria:
It depends on how much you cling to your self image and how much you make it dependent on external factors. One thing I learned (but still not imbodied) is that rejection is just an _image_ of yourself which gets rejected... _which is not you._
Imagine a person spending 5 minutes in your presence (seeing you interact or speaking with you, whatever it might be). This person has an image of you which is somewhat representative of you but can also be completely wrong. When they then reject you on the basis of the 5 minutes they reject your 5-minute image. _It is not you but the image that is rejected._
Making it extreme, you can be rejected by a person you spend your whole life with. Though it is suggested that you introspect about yourself it is still the image of you in them they rejected.
You can apply rejection to yourself. Remember any time you rejected yourself because ____. You didn't like that image of yourself. However you focused on that part that you didn't like. What is actually better is embrace and integration: you own that what you reject about yourself. Then you lovingly allow yourself to feel the inspiration of what you actually what to have, be and experience.
Bingo! I recognized those narcissistic traits in the professor. What a difficult situation for this woman / student.
I AM INFJ AND ADHD SO LET'S GO, LOL. Thank you Clay for disecting human behavior. I don't feel so alone in my own mind.
with 100% honesty, i’ve seen this power dynamic thing. i’ve managed to learn to let other people, superior and inferior than me, to think they’re all the -er. better, smarter, stronger, and all the -er, than me. just to maintain my inner peace. so long as they don’t affect me with their stupidity, i’m all good allowing them to think they’re better than me, whether that’s true or not. being better than anyone else didn’t make me feel better anyway. and i agree with you, i have no problems being equal with everyone. knowing that God blessed us with specific gifts, all I care about is the full sharing of our strengths without the irritation of useless competition. unity instead of one-upping.
I never thought I could master this topic, but you made it possible!
The caller's situation reminds me a lot of one I was in with a man at my work. Married guy confiding in me and flirting with me, giving me special treatment, but also being manipulative at times. I found later that he was repeating this same sort of dynamic with different female employees, because my coworker actually also started confiding in me that the same thing was happening between him and her. I'm very glad, though, that this person wasn't in direct authority to me, because I could just essentially observe and ignore his attempts to manipulate me. My coworker didn't find this so easy and was more taken in. He still sends me dramatic little messages implying that I've abandoned him from time to time, to which I respond that if he wants to talk to me or spend time with me he can anytime. He either doesn't take me up on it or does and stands me up. I guess I'm supposed to be upset by that? What a ridiculous guy.
9:47 facts. I learned this. Everyone does not deserve my truth.
Loved watching your videos as always!
Can you make a video about intuitives trying to fit in the sensory world and how they can deal and make the best out of it, I always seem to get frustrated and feel like how can people not see some things which are so clear in my mind.
Love the new place Clay! Vicariously proud of you!
Clay, when I mentor, that is my goal, that they see themselves as an equal and own it. I just love seeing people grow, gain confidence before my eyes. Sometimes, I feel, I am just meant to come into people's lives for just a flicker, like a muse. Once they have the tools they need, they seem to just go away.
I was literally just now searching for your videos to see if you posted a new vid!
Wish I learnt this power dynamics law years ago. My greatest mistake was believing my boss that I could have full autonomy over my work (she was almost twice my age and told me I was capable enough to handle things on my own), so I took her word for it and took full control over my work and schedule without getting her involved at all, thinking I was doing her a big favour by not giving her things to worry about. She ended up subtly micromanaging me in later months and we had some sort of tension that never got resolved until she resigned. Slowly I learnt from colleagues that she liked being asked for advice and feeling included, but didn't want to come across as needy. Sometimes what the 'mentor' wants is an emotional exchange but I hate how these are often not communicated at the start... to protect one's ego I guess. Sigh.
I think the standard human ego IS "a narcissist" in a way. I mean as separate individuals we all naturally have at a least a part of us that cares about"winning"..."self preservation"... not wanting to "lose ground" in regard to power, etc...and who is constantly "keeping score"...That's always been true, and I think it's becoming more true and more necessary as time goes on..and for most of us a lot of this is operating beneath our full conscious awareness. In a perfect world, mentors might be fully self aware and fully conscious...and fully matured people who are motivated only by passing on the wealth of knowledge they've accumulated, but that's just not the world we live in, so I agree with the advise here and feel that seeing the world as it is and working within that reality and being carefull about how we navigate through these situations...not only realizing, but also accepting the fact that though a mentor may have a lot to offer us, they are human (and have egos) too and as long as what they need in return is within reason, I don't think there's anything inherently "wrong" in mastering that "game" to our mutual advantage. Some of us (and I'm one) may have a harder time with that game than others though and may opt NOT to play it....feeling that the cost to our own value system is just too high....and that's fine too. I think just making that decision consciously can save us from feeling like a victim down the road.
Also want to say, if said "mentor" is operating like a narcissist or a predator that's a whole other story.
We human beings are just so flawed.. surely if a person was emotionally mature and generous he would be happy to share his wisdom and seeing the person benefit would be it’s own reward. Humility would help too..
Enjoying your ‘musings’ and insight Clay - lovely decor too, btw - goes with your complexion 😉
This was so good and weird bc I'm going thru this as we speak. These darn gatekeepers smh... They can often mess up a good thing lol
Congratulations on the new home!
Glad I found you. You and I are very alike.
I struggle with leadership power dynamics at work, especially as a mature professional in my late 40s who has not developed a taste or skill for office politics and the related zero sum game-playing. Nonetheless, leaders often confuse superior technical expertise with superior emotional intelligence and maturity or rely on subordinates too much for the latter - that's when it gets very hard to manage expectations.
Students of sociology can tell you that authority is created through belief in its legitimacy. The designation of legitimate authority (leaders/leadership) occurs through social interaction when individuals act on the basis of their beliefs.
“I don’t want to mentor someone forever “ Exactly. I used to be a mentor for junior colleagues who had similar aspirations. I would tell them that its better to learn to fish, than be given a fish. I often felt that the majority of these relationships were gimme. They would use flattery to make me feel that I had a special talent that they could never achieve. Even became my “friends.” Yet, I wouldn’t see them putting in the effort required to reach our common goals. This flattery started to bug me, because I could see the inconsistencies between their comments and behaviors. As if they would hang out on the beach all day then show up to the seafood dinner, telling me that Im just the better fisherman. Its difficult when people at times show some signs of effort. Although, you wonder if its just bread crumbing to keep your attention. Are they at the beach because they cant (and thus escaping) or wont? I tried to set boundaries, but then it became an expectation from even those above me who would validate the fallacies of my mentees. My boss would comment on my “perfection” and the “new generation” of entitlement. I saw this as manipulation (no one is perfect, big red flag starters), and I don’t think cultural evolution is universally factual in this context. I am no longer in that role, and guess what ... none of them are around. In reflection, I wonder how can one be a good servant leader (style by Greenleaf that resonates with me) and help from a place of authentic purpose? It seems that mentors who lead for selfish or egotistical reasons (versus servanthood) deal with less of these issues. I am not justifying ego leaders, but my experience was the flip-side. I didn’t want recognition, but to see them progress. Maybe another critical component is to identify who is a true mentee. I’ve been on both sides, so I can empathize with your follower’s situation too .... its a tough spot when another’s position of power limits ones ability to even set boundaries. And sometimes it’s even hard to tell who has the power. The mentor or the mentee.
This is so helpful, Clay.
I like ur research that touch vulnerable people true and guides
This was a great pleasure to listen to. I really enjoy listening to highly introspective people work through their thoughts and ideas. It rubs off on you and makes you think about other things with the same considerate approach. I don't know--it scratches a certain itch. I feel like a just read a really cool short story, or like I read a short dialogue by Plato or something like that, lol. Great video.
Outstanding honest explaination of INFJ feelings, helpful and very interesting videos. Thanks a lot for sharing your excellent analytical knowledge in this field. Please keep enriching us (INFJ) with your outstanding videos. Your are so 🎁ed. BRAVO, MERCI, SHOUKRAN
Gratefulness Beautiful Joyfulness Magical Miracles Beautiful Divine Beings ✨
Clay, I am concerned that your caller's mentor is in a position to manipulate her once positive feelings and regard for him to pursue a less than professional personal relationship with her in exchange for his 'guidance' and support...That possibility raises red flags for me...
I strongly agree.
I agree and the critical issue is whether there's even anyone to whom she could report it who wouldn't attack her, rather than "check" him.
Thank you 😊 always nice to hear your voice and clear communication.
About your rejection topic, I recently discovered the attachment theory and the typical core wounds related to the different kind of attachment style. Feeling rejected (without being actually the case) is one of many core wounds that exist...
I personally enjoy listening to Thais Gibson, she is very informative in her videos and helpful at the same time. You should check it out!
Money, sex, and power tend to be the real driving forces.
We can talk about... uhh, rules. But we are animals. If we allow ourselves to be subjected to abuse, then we give others permission to treat us as a target.
That teacher is abusing his authoritative position. That girl needs to remember that she can get her Masters with or without him.
If the other students are getting by without his special attention, then she can get by fine without it too.
She doesn't need to play his game.
The INFJ thing is all about being authentic, even when we understand others don't value it as highly, so playing games is unnatural and seems unethical. I have a hard time understanding why some people seek out mentors and gurus. We all need teachers but when it comes to life coaches and spiritual advisers (people who seem to believe they can teach something beyond facts), those mentors are desperate for adulation, which is pathetic. Interestingly, some recommended INFJ careers are things like counselor and pastor, which have the potential to become toxic mentor/mentee relationships.
You have a hard time understanding why some people seek mentors and gurus?
What makes something a "fact" in your way of defining it?
@@9fiveb180 Yes, I have a hard time understanding why some people seek mentors and gurus. I would never put myself under someone's spell like that. A fact is a piece of knowledge established by the scientific methodology.
I don’t know my MBTI type, but you are definitely an INFJ from what I’ve seen. It’s interesting to hear how your mind works as such a rare type.
The issue not really being addressed here with the particular form of “mentorship” putatively offered through professional institutions, especially through a university with a graduate program (at the masters or doctoral level) is its coercive nature from the outset. I say this because the nature of academic supervision was seemingly compared to fully voluntary forms of mentorship, as the traveler seeking out the sage for training in their art. While the supervisor discussed here clearly shows an unnecessarily and maybe even unusually “distempered” approach toward the student, probably for the personal reasons mentioned, it’s important to recognize that they are not just capitalizing opportunistically on their power. Such people are instinctively waiting like an alligator with open jaw facing the oncoming stream. Narcissists tend to naturally orient themselves with such “streams” in our society to engage in fundamentally coercive forms of domination. Somewhere inside them, they don’t want the willing student whose submission is voluntary. To them, this is not true submission. This mechanic entered slightly as you stated that no mentor wants to be “exploited” by the student for their expertise. I actually think this is one criterion of the perversion being detected. The “true mentor”, the sage, will see the uncoerced solicitations of the traveler indeed as “true submission”; not to them, but to the art they both treasure.
Clay, thank you so much for your videos they’re always helpful. I’m struggling a lot to navigate these power dynamics at work and would love to hear more. That “rejection sensitivity disorder” sounds fascinating. I can’t wait for your next video.
Looking forward for the next topics ✌️
eye opening!
This was excellent. Ty
> This was useful !
Thank You 👋🏼
PS /You are a professor at understanding & explaining
social dynamics. I’m learning so much. My life was an endless stream of “ what the F happened ?! “ and since checking out your videos, the fog is lifting ! 🤩✨👋🏼
The first thing you have to realize about people like this mentor, is that you can't think of them as normal reasonable people. In the audio clip she talks about how he ought to behave. This person will not change, you cannot do anything to change him or the situation. Just realize this and stop thinking you can actually do that much about him and his opinion.
Oh I definitely have at least.a mild form of ADHD. I'd be so interested in this convo. I'd say most of my friends who are also ENFPs have ADHD too...so I feel like it's just part of my personality. I think certain personalities are prone to certain issues
Clay,You should check some answers of Dr Zakir Naik on your Questions related to Religion.
Speed vs. delayed response.
While working I like fast thinking jobs. Making quick instantaneous decisions.
In conversations with people, I give my viewpoint on some of the topics were discussing right away. Others disappear in my head.(subconscious) A day or two later my response pops into my head.(conscious). When I see them again I tell them my viewpoint.
So when things are moving fast, I'm fine. When things slow down, like the speed of a conversation, not so fine. Any fixes on this. When things move slow(eureka, I got it) kicks it.
Hope you enjoy your new place. Was wondering if you gf has a UA-cam too. The young lady seems to have run into a cerebral narcissist, and I hope she will be able to fluff and grey rock until she has gotten her diploma. Hopefully the professor was not wanting more of a pay to play type situation.
chess has rules, when the human game rules change without my knowledge i am out i dont understand the games ( with ever changing rules) i cant play those. ISTP
The mentor is ridiculous
I would like to ask, based on this scenario, whether it is common for INFJs to develop crushes on people who are in the position of teacher, coach, mentor, etc? I often developed small crushes on teachers throughout school. I wonder if it's the INFJ nature that makes us more prone to transference in these types of settings, and in this case with the tutor, was there transference and countertransference at play?
The other question is, since you bring ADHD up Clay, is the INFJ in reality just another manifestation of neurodivergence, as in autism, with the difficulty many of us have negotiating relationships and not easily identifying our own feelings?
The guy from the audio question sounds like a grade A narcissist.
Remember Im OK Youre OK? Thats good way to help manage power struggles. Basically if you can resort to adult to adult to solve power struggles it will be better. The other stuff …being in child mode or parent mode are fine in certain contexts but not for conflict. Not possible? Well crap! Ha ha….yeah just avoid for sure and accept responsibility for any part you took. If something unjust occurs due to their new position …confront. With tape recorder hidden. Then blackmail!…lol lol lol….but in a way…blackmail. Your trapped fight fire with fire. OR decide how important is it? Grade? Hell yeah. Go to his superiors as an adult. No support? Talk to the new teacher regarding what happened because tou chose him a see if he can adult the other teacher? Yeah. Its a big game. Maybe a B isnt so bad….but not graduating would be all hell breaks loose. Whats gonna REALLY gonna happen now? Maybe just nothing….ignore and avoid narcisists. In fact if it were myself i would have never buddied up. I had a couple start such stuff i evaluated in a just a couple encounters were looking for extra on the side. They can be fired. Especially these days. It was a big disappointment but sure wouldnt affect a grade or degree. After just brief look see. She hung out long time. She needs to own up to what she contributed to this situation and disappointment that may or may not harm her chances for a honest grade or even a degree.i wouldnt name him a mentor here. Name him what he really is….OR hes just trying to save his professionalism by trying to cut the whole relationship off as a BAD idea. Student srushing on teacher can be complicated. Maybe hes just out of there….and she doesnt see that. Maybe she is the immature one whos obsessed and clever at hiding that….until he sees it finally.
Haha it was literally today that I was seeing for your video
I accept they are long many a times but they are insightful and intimate
Love your perspective ( ˘ ³˘)♥
🌬💨⛩🐲💱👉🏽🥸👌🏽😁🇺🇸💐🇨🇦☮