Correction: The video about What Happens When They Leave You... has yet to be released. My apologies. It's set to release on March 28th. Not to worry, though.. I have another video called Why Do People Choose Their Addiction Over Their Loved Ones: ua-cam.com/users/livefO99ryVEFXs?feature=share
I tried everything now I’m tough loving him he’s homeless sleeping in his car in Philadelphia! I’m so sad confused in debt 15000 because of my 37 year old son! I’m letting go and letting God! Pray I’m doing the right thing!
Wow! This was so affirming to me, and it wasn’t offensive at all! I train horses and teach students how to ride horses for a living, and I am constantly telling my clients and students this very thing. I tell them we have 5 natural aids (usually all books tell us there are 4), and I add intention. Our horses read and feed off what we are feeling and the energy we are sending to them or dispelling from them. In fact I had a woman who is very scared of her horse, because he was bucking people off, and I’ve been successfully riding him for a while now. Friday she finally thought she had the courage to come ride her horse. As soon as she walked in the barn, he changed. Even while I was preparing to, and riding him, he was different, and at one point, he started to veer towards her while I was riding a circle, and as I rode by where she was standing, he swished his tail and kicked out towards her direction. I’d not had him make any type of effort like that yet. Long story short she got angry and tense, and when it came her time to ride him, he wouldn’t even stand still for her to get on, and in fact cracked his head into hers several times knocking her off the mounting block. Something I don’t think he would ever try with me. The whole thing escalated to the point that she was picking fights with him and he just got worse. She stormed away and I went back to working him on the ground and then got right back on and rode him around like he was the best boy ever, so this idea you’re presenting is really clicking with me right now! Now, the reason why this is so affirming to me is because I actually think I’ve done/am doing these three steps you explained here with my husband at home almost naturally. The first thing I did with my husband when he started getting to the point that I couldn’t have a conversation with him or he got mean and verbal while drinking, I told him I was going to pick up some more clients in the evenings, and allow him the space to work through his anger. I told him I wasn’t going to require him to change, even though I felt as though we both had some issues we needed to look closely at and change. I told him I was deciding to work more because first, he would know exactly where I was, and it would help us out financially. Once he stopped trying to pick fights with me. This was a few years BTW, I canceled some lessons and reworked my schedule so I could start; visiting with him in the mornings, bringing him lunches at work again like I did when our children were small and I was a stay at home mom only, and then making sure I had dinners on the table or brought dinner home with me even if he didn’t eat them. As soon as he started texting me and asking me how my day was going like he used to, I started trying to beat him to it every day. And tell him I was thinking about him and hoping his day was going well. About a month ago, when I got home from work he was sober for the first time in probably 12 years after 7pm. I knew it wasn’t going to stay that way, but the very first thing I did was put dinner in the refrigerator and made an intimate pass at him; which my husband will NEVER turn down. Our relationship for the next week was really good, and his drinking had let up enough that I could actually have conversations with him in the evenings, so I actually took several days off of working my business, turned my phone off and just made sure I was giving him my undivided attention. It was awesome! Now, he has been gone for 20 days in the backcountry, so our communication is very limited, but for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to him coming home instead of dreading it. I have 3 more days to prepare, so I am going to go about his return, with the energy I would think I need to work with a horse that has a Right brain introverted (RBI) personality and see how it goes!!! The RBI needs lots of time and patience With suggestions for small slow steps; if you go too fast, they blow up and they are the horses that hurt you bad and you never see it coming l, because there isn’t much warning. They require a lot of positive reinforcement, even when they start to take the smallest steps towards thinking the right thing, and the training has to be in many short training sessions. Too much too soon usually ends up in a regression!!! I hope it works. If it does, I probably could start to see how eventually I can help him (and I) become more emotionally stable in all 4 quadrants just like I do with the horses I train. Thank you so much!!! For the first time through my husband’s addiction, I feel like I have a clear understanding and roadmap to keep myself centered and focused on the process not the goal. You used dog training, but I think my understanding horses from working with them for the last 47 years is just as good of an analogy.❤
Hi Charlie, thanks for sharing this. I have a great (funny) story about equine therapy. I can't remember which video I share that story, but you're totally right. It's the exact same concept with horses!
I would like to add and acknowledge that trying to detach, get your emotions under control and your energy right while living with active addiction in the house is incredible hard. For me personally I don't think I could achieve that alongside working and busy household with three children. I feel the best for me was to create a physical distance to give myself space and time to gather myself and get my shit together. Plus I don't have to be around his addiction which is a major trigger point for me.
So many questions that have been running through my head were answered in this video! Thank you. I've been failing so hard on my own energy - flip flopping between patience/support and frustration/ fear. This video settled me down so much because it gave me some answers to specific challenges. Continuing on. My wife is such a lovely lovely person. I want her back so much. I hate what the alcohol has done to her and to me.
I agree that you have to get your energy right. For me, the biggest challenge has been not to let their behavior determine my own mental health, especially when they are blaming me or making me worry. I have to fight to keep out of depression.
My partner just says yes I'm an alcaholic but I am going to die anyway so I might as well have fun doing it. I'm told I am boring, no fun because I don't want to go anywhere where they all drink heavily and there is no control and common sense. I am currently just quietly watching these videos trying to find answers because I am so tired and mentally exhausted.
My son went to rehab a year ago for alcoholism. He was sober for 8 months. Ive noticed the behavior is returning thats telling me hes drinking again. I havent confronted him yet. I love him so much . This video was so helpful. Thankyou so much. Everything you say in this video makes absolute sense to me. Thankyou. This is so hard. 😢
When he finally started feeling that he has a problem I started telling him no matter what we can fix anything…I assured him that our family is with him though I felt worn out deep inside…it’s an 18years and plus journey and I’m seeing him drinking alcohol since our marriage Thankyou Amber for all your guidance through this channel..looking at you itself gives me relief,hope..you are doing a great thing ❤
Don't RUN a marathon for someone that won't WALK a mile for you... heard that today and it resinated. I can honestly say I can barely stand or even "want" to help anymore, why why why do I keep trying and my adult son just gives alot of LIP service on "oh ya I will do this, Oh yes I will go to detox" TOMORROW..., here is what I say now.... good talk to you then and NO I don't have 20 dollars... I hate to admit this but I can't even stand his voice anymore. He knows and agrees he has a problem and won't do even ONE single thing to help himself or follow thru with even ONE promise, Just keep calling mom with the next crisis...He tells the Same old story just different names to go with each new crisis, hes always front and center tho.
thank you so much for normals of wisdom..I have been thinking how to do this ....he is steadily drinking more and more....I'm just doing me. and he is doing him. I'm keeping safe no talking. I want to work on myself and spend time with God.
Thank you so very much for all that you do to help addicts, families & loved ones. I've been following you for years. Everything you say is "spot on"...... this "family disease" is hell ! You are one of God's angels put here to help so many day after day. May HE continue to Bless you with strength & wisdom.
My Energy has been 150% angry and seething and my spouse has felt it immediately!! Its so hard to calm that resentment down!! I definitely know ive perpetuated his illness and it is not easy to hear but pretty necessary!! Thank you
That was amazing insight to the depth of recovery and the loved ones crucial part with in it. Thank you for sharing Amber- I am so grateful for you and your work. You keep my hope alive.
You’ve really shown me the way. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to be right but it’s better to do and say the things that work towards the end goal.
U always have the right topic when I need it. Alcoholic daughter has relapsed and I did not use everything I’ve learned. I’m sure I set her recovery back. I’m having a hard time going forward. Can’t watch it anymore.
Educating myself on addiction has helped me so much because I now am able to have empathy instead of feeling like my son is doing these things to hurt me.
The energy is so true. I say positive thing but my husband says my energy changes towards him as soon as he picks up liquor. I thought I was hiding the fact I was still upset about the drinking by doing the right things. Apparently not. I try now when he’s drinking to do things I want. I also have just started to learn meditation. Hopefully this will help
I love what you're doing here, totally underrated, you speak so much sense 💙 Especially when you speak about energies: nothing's worse when the people you're surrounded by aren't accepting/loving. I think that's the precise reason people use in the first place. ("You feel what they feel"!)
I appreciated this video and perspective. Analyzing my energy and my responses seems critical. Today I am feeling so bad about myself. I am sad and feel completely overwhelmed by my situation. I know my energy is very negative and my plan is to 1- take care of me 2. Get to my yoga class and 3. Stay clear of any interaction that has the potential to go south. I have learned so much from your videos.
I totally relate to getting your energy right. I hope it's OK to share on here but I have been using meridian tapping to address my emotions. Whenever I feel worried, resentful or angry towards my loved one's use I go to my app on my phone and spend 10 minutes using the meditations focusing on these feelings. Guess what it allows me to calm down and come back to the situation feeling stronger and able to come up with solutions to the problems facing me. I use it for anything in my life that needs me to feel better about x 💖
Thank you very much for your work, God bless you. I personally thank you because I started a relationship with an alcoholic, cocaine addict but a wonderful human being, a hard worker, a good person and a very vulnerable person. We have very good communication and I am following your advice, I try to be his friend: listen to him and try to understand him as much as possible and you are right. He feels terribly alone, misunderstood and lost. It hurt me a lot to hear him say that one day after he had disappeared for 4 days, when he returned home his mother began to yell at him and call him many nicknames and unpleasant things, things that really hurt him. And it hurt me a lot that it made him think that his attempts to quit drugs or that he himself "isn't worth it." Following your advice, he can open up with me. Right now I will start looking for a treatment for it. Offer him some options and that he can take them when he is ready, because honestly I see that he is very tired, he is not happy...
I had humbly aplogized to my addictive loved one who I didn’t know was addicted at the time, and he said, “See that’s why I hate you.” It just confirmed to himself that I was “the bad guy.” It was an awful time.
🐩🐕- not much to choose from in the emojis. All your videos are important, but this one is powerful! I feel fear and hopelessness around my daughter . No doubt she can feel it. I will say it’s like trying to stay calm around an unpredictable tornado. I will keep your advice in mind next time and see what happens.
🐕 I went to counseling during this process (years ago) and she said your saying all the right things but your body language is saying the opposite doh!!!! So true but difficult to change how you feel. But I suppose it shouldnt be because we are only in this because we live them we just need to remember why. Thanku so much for all your help.
He knows and acknowledged he has a problem and he keeps on telling me he knows what to do but I asked him if he wants to do what he knows to do he said he’s scared of change.
I really wish that you could do one of these pod casts in the evening. This way us working folks could actually listen to them and ask questions why you’re alive. Myself I have been as an alcoholic he has destroyed our family and he’s almost destroyed me and himself. He finally saw the light and got sober. But it only lasted 62 days. Now we’re starting over honestly I love him but I’m exhausted from the whole thing we’ve been together for 26 years so I’ve dealt with this for a very long time.
We had emergency systems in place and when I used these emergency contacts the contact threw me under the bus & my addicted spouse screamedat me. Letting the momentum of their addiction just roll along is the hardest thing to do but am actively working this tactic now. It’s exhausting so I’ve been minding my own business. But avoiding him bc he gets hostile. Oh and after a year of this increase happening he’s getting wasted again but STILL in denial 🙄
I have done the things that have been discussed but even though when she's sober I have gotten out of the bad guy role but when she's drunk I am the bad guy again and have done nothing to cause it. Must be my energy...Its hard because i think have one foot out the door.
Same. It feels like things are getting better between us then..whomp! She’s bad mouthing me and cutting me out. Very unpredictable. It’s like the little devil is whispering in her ear.
Am I interrupting his process when I cook dinner. I am guessing that I am as if he stops to eat he's not getting enough alcohol it kills his buzz. He seems resentful. How do I handle this
I have let my AH do every solution he comes up with. Every relapse leads to another realization that it didnt work for him because XYz reason. Yet he insists on his methods which only lead him to use MORE frequently. From once a month to every three days. from one day to three days of dissapearing. The damadge can be remedied once he actually commits to sobriety. I finally said the door is no longer open for him. He is on the street now and I said while I am angry and tired of this life, I understand his actions are not his true nature. I said I am still here to support WHEN he is ready to get sober. My heart is broken and worried and angry at having received the burden. his family offers no support or empathy. instead triangulation and gossip about me.
My daughter who’s 21 will text me and ask if I will help her find a long term rehab facility for her. I gave her some choices that her insurance covers and told her she needs to find out if they have an opening for her and that they will want to talk with her. I would then help her get wherever she wants to go. Then nothing, she ghosts me. I wait. 😢
All situations are different because all people and relationships are different but if my kid asked for help I would have made the calls and said this one takes insurance and this one is open, then given her the phone number(s).
This happened to me many times - my husband would call rehab to get on a waitlist, but a week later when they had a spot available, he found any excuse (usually “I don’t need it”) to avoid going. and addiction counsellors know that it’s a common behaviour.
What if they ruin plans that were for us or the family? What if we’re already halfway there or already there? Do we leave and make a scene when there will be days of backlash rage or silent treatment ?
What if we already did everything the wrong way? How are we supposed to make it right? My loved one will obsess on every mistake I make and then holds it against me and uses it to stay away from going to rehab because in his head he thinks I'm just trying to get rid of him for 30 days so I can go have some wild affair...... so far from the truth! 😢
You were right. HE didn't tell me what was going on. He'd fine than I didn't hear for 2 days he died???. Well I texted his girlfriend whom left him on Thangsgiving and went to her mother's I thought. Well he sent me a text leave me the F alone go get help yourself and she been there 2 days later back. So I sad thank and I will. He's a 52yr ol. I'm 87 no one in my family helps me. And I've done well for and by my self since my divorce at 36.my husband tool all finances from me after 20yrs and in the end my kids to. Do send gifts for holidays and my BD .
I have a talent of reading a room, and being good judge of character. What I have seen. Stage 1 of addiction is when you stop before it gets too bad(in my case it was a friend who told me his story.) Stage 2 is when you hit rock bottom, and it hits you like a truck. Stage 3 is death or insanity, and it's a mircle if you get sober at that point.
I don't care about the addiction, I care about Mr. HYDE that is disregulated and pinned me as the one in the way of his true love "name addiction". Now im the enemy and treated as such, all I want is a best friend. I'm out, you can have your siren. 🧜♀️
That depends on if the person really has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or if their addiction is just bringing out narcissistic behaviors. Not sure if you've seen this video, but it might help sort out that question. ua-cam.com/video/HmsWgb3OxEU/v-deo.html
Discovered your channel a few days ago. i’ve been lol, addictively listening and watching. My adult alcoholic son is melting down in deep denial and i’m overwhelmed and terrified. 🌎🤷♀️🙆♀️🫶🏼🕊
@@PutTheShovelDown Good morning and thank you immensely🌎🫶🏼🕊Your many topics and advisements have guided me smoothly the last two days, allowing me a boundary reset. Perfect…. Have an incredible day dear ones and I’ll stay on task‼️🌎🫶🏼🦋🕊
🐕🦺 I love this video!! The email you quote is exactly the reminder of perspective I want to remember. I vacillate between being ok and completely NOT. I desire connection!
Correction: The video about What Happens When They Leave You... has yet to be released. My apologies. It's set to release on March 28th. Not to worry, though.. I have another video called Why Do People Choose Their Addiction Over Their Loved Ones: ua-cam.com/users/livefO99ryVEFXs?feature=share
I tried everything now I’m tough loving him he’s homeless sleeping in his car in Philadelphia! I’m so sad confused in debt 15000 because of my 37 year old son! I’m letting go and letting God! Pray I’m doing the right thing!
Wow! This was so affirming to me, and it wasn’t offensive at all!
I train horses and teach students how to ride horses for a living, and I am constantly telling my clients and students this very thing.
I tell them we have 5 natural aids (usually all books tell us there are 4), and I add intention. Our horses read and feed off what we are feeling and the energy we are sending to them or dispelling from them. In fact I had a woman who is very scared of her horse, because he was bucking people off, and I’ve been successfully riding him for a while now. Friday she finally thought she had the courage to come ride her horse. As soon as she walked in the barn, he changed. Even while I was preparing to, and riding him, he was different, and at one point, he started to veer towards her while I was riding a circle, and as I rode by where she was standing, he swished his tail and kicked out towards her direction. I’d not had him make any type of effort like that yet. Long story short she got angry and tense, and when it came her time to ride him, he wouldn’t even stand still for her to get on, and in fact cracked his head into hers several times knocking her off the mounting block. Something I don’t think he would ever try with me. The whole thing escalated to the point that she was picking fights with him and he just got worse. She stormed away and I went back to working him on the ground and then got right back on and rode him around like he was the best boy ever, so this idea you’re presenting is really clicking with me right now!
Now, the reason why this is so affirming to me is because I actually think I’ve done/am doing these three steps you explained here with my husband at home almost naturally.
The first thing I did with my husband when he started getting to the point that I couldn’t have a conversation with him or he got mean and verbal while drinking, I told him I was going to pick up some more clients in the evenings, and allow him the space to work through his anger. I told him I wasn’t going to require him
to change, even though I felt as though we both had some issues we needed to look closely at and change. I told him I was deciding to work more because first, he would know exactly where I was, and it would help us out financially.
Once he stopped trying to pick fights with me. This was a few years BTW, I canceled some lessons and reworked my schedule so I could start; visiting with him in the mornings, bringing him lunches at work again like I did when our children were small and I was a stay at home mom only, and then making sure I had dinners on the table or brought dinner home with me even if he didn’t eat them.
As soon as he started texting me and asking me how my day was going like he used to, I started trying to beat him to it every day. And tell him I was thinking about him and hoping his day was going well. About a month ago, when I got home from work he was sober for the first time in probably 12 years after 7pm. I knew it wasn’t going to stay that way, but the very first thing I did was put dinner in the refrigerator and made an intimate pass at him; which my husband will NEVER turn down. Our relationship for the next week was really good, and his drinking had let up enough that I could actually have conversations with him in the evenings, so I actually took several days off of working my business, turned my phone off and just made sure I was giving him my undivided attention.
It was awesome!
Now, he has been gone for 20 days in the backcountry, so our communication is very limited, but for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to him coming home instead of dreading it.
I have 3 more days to prepare, so I am going to go about his return, with the energy I would think I need to work with a horse that has a Right brain introverted (RBI) personality and see how it goes!!! The RBI needs lots of time and patience With suggestions for small slow steps; if you go too fast, they blow up and they are the horses that hurt you bad and you never see it coming l, because there isn’t much warning. They require a lot of positive reinforcement, even when they start to take the smallest steps towards thinking the right thing, and the training has to be in many short training sessions. Too much too soon usually ends up in a regression!!!
I hope it works.
If it does, I probably could start to see how eventually I can help him (and I) become more emotionally stable in all 4 quadrants just like I do with the horses I train.
Thank you so much!!! For the first time through my husband’s addiction, I feel like I have a clear understanding and roadmap to keep myself centered and focused on the process not the goal.
You used dog training, but I think my understanding horses from working with them for the last 47 years is just as good of an analogy.❤
Hi Charlie, thanks for sharing this. I have a great (funny) story about equine therapy. I can't remember which video I share that story, but you're totally right. It's the exact same concept with horses!
I would like to add and acknowledge that trying to detach, get your emotions under control and your energy right while living with active addiction in the house is incredible hard. For me personally I don't think I could achieve that alongside working and busy household with three children. I feel the best for me was to create a physical distance to give myself space and time to gather myself and get my shit together. Plus I don't have to be around his addiction which is a major trigger point for me.
I completely agree. Having a front row seat makes it extremely difficult!
So many questions that have been running through my head were answered in this video! Thank you. I've been failing so hard on my own energy - flip flopping between patience/support and frustration/ fear. This video settled me down so much because it gave me some answers to specific challenges. Continuing on. My wife is such a lovely lovely person. I want her back so much. I hate what the alcohol has done to her and to me.
Fantastic, that's awesome! It takes a heart shift!
@@PutTheShovelDown it does! Thank you for all that you do!
I agree that you have to get your energy right. For me, the biggest challenge has been not to let their behavior determine my own mental health, especially when they are blaming me or making me worry. I have to fight to keep out of depression.
Stand strong, Jen, and just remember, you're 5 steps ahead!
My partner just says yes I'm an alcaholic but I am going to die anyway so I might as well have fun doing it. I'm told I am boring, no fun because I don't want to go anywhere where they all drink heavily and there is no control and common sense. I am currently just quietly watching these videos trying to find answers because I am so tired and mentally exhausted.
My son went to rehab a year ago for alcoholism. He was sober for 8 months. Ive noticed the behavior is returning thats telling me hes drinking again. I havent confronted him yet. I love him so much . This video was so helpful. Thankyou so much. Everything you say in this video makes absolute sense to me. Thankyou. This is so hard. 😢
When he finally started feeling that he has a problem I started telling him no matter what we can fix anything…I assured him that our family is with him though I felt worn out deep inside…it’s an 18years and plus journey and I’m seeing him drinking alcohol since our marriage
Thankyou Amber for all your guidance through this channel..looking at you itself gives me relief,hope..you are doing a great thing ❤
Don't RUN a marathon for someone that won't WALK a mile for you... heard that today and it resinated.
I can honestly say I can barely stand or even "want" to help anymore, why why why do I keep trying and my adult son just gives alot of LIP service on "oh ya I will do this, Oh yes I will go to detox" TOMORROW..., here is what I say now.... good talk to you then and NO I don't have 20 dollars... I hate to admit this but I can't even stand his voice anymore. He knows and agrees he has a problem and won't do even ONE single thing to help himself or follow thru with even ONE promise, Just keep calling mom with the next crisis...He tells the Same old story just different names to go with each new crisis, hes always front and center tho.
Sorry you're going through this Diana 💌
thank you so much for normals of wisdom..I have been thinking how to do this ....he is steadily drinking more and more....I'm just doing me. and he is doing him. I'm keeping safe no talking. I want to work on myself and spend time with God.
Thank you so very much for all that you do to help addicts, families & loved ones. I've been following you for years. Everything you say is "spot on"...... this "family disease" is hell ! You are one of God's angels put here to help so many day after day. May HE continue to Bless you with strength & wisdom.
My Energy has been 150% angry and seething and my spouse has felt it immediately!! Its so hard to calm that resentment down!! I definitely know ive perpetuated his illness and it is not easy to hear but pretty necessary!! Thank you
That was amazing insight to the depth of recovery and the loved ones crucial part with in it. Thank you for sharing Amber- I am so grateful for you and your work. You keep my hope alive.
Awwwwww thanks, Ohare! 💌
You’ve really shown me the way. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to be right but it’s better to do and say the things that work towards the end goal.
What a beautiful letter this person has written. Resonates deeply with me.
U always have the right topic when I need it.
Alcoholic daughter has relapsed and I did not use everything I’ve learned. I’m sure I set her recovery back. I’m having a hard time going forward. Can’t watch it anymore.
Educating myself on addiction has helped me so much because I now am able to have empathy instead of feeling like my son is doing these things to hurt me.
The energy is so true. I say positive thing but my husband says my energy changes towards him as soon as he picks up liquor. I thought I was hiding the fact I was still upset about the drinking by doing the right things. Apparently not. I try now when he’s drinking to do things I want. I also have just started to learn meditation. Hopefully this will help
That's a good plan, TM! 👍🏻
I agree with you about the energy. I have changed my energy, unfortunately, still my adult son is shut down and ashamed and active in his addiction.
I may not always work, but it does give you the best shot.
I love what you're doing here, totally underrated, you speak so much sense 💙 Especially when you speak about energies: nothing's worse when the people you're surrounded by aren't accepting/loving. I think that's the precise reason people use in the first place. ("You feel what they feel"!)
Love this video 👍packed with value. Thanks for sharing 👈
Glad you enjoyed it!
I appreciated this video and perspective. Analyzing my energy and my responses seems critical. Today I am feeling so bad about myself. I am sad and feel completely overwhelmed by my situation. I know my energy is very negative and my plan is to 1- take care of me 2. Get to my yoga class and 3. Stay clear of any interaction that has the potential to go south. I have learned so much from your videos.
I totally relate to getting your energy right. I hope it's OK to share on here but I have been using meridian tapping to address my emotions. Whenever I feel worried, resentful or angry towards my loved one's use I go to my app on my phone and spend 10 minutes using the meditations focusing on these feelings. Guess what it allows me to calm down and come back to the situation feeling stronger and able to come up with solutions to the problems facing me. I use it for anything in my life that needs me to feel better about x 💖
Love it!
I cried watching this, that email was beautiful❤😢
Thank you so much. I'm so glad you liked it.
Thank you for all this useful information.
You’re most welcome
Thank you for your help getting clean.i won't give up! I need all the help I can get 😊❤
Thank you very much for your work, God bless you. I personally thank you because I started a relationship with an alcoholic, cocaine addict but a wonderful human being, a hard worker, a good person and a very vulnerable person. We have very good communication and I am following your advice, I try to be his friend: listen to him and try to understand him as much as possible and you are right. He feels terribly alone, misunderstood and lost. It hurt me a lot to hear him say that one day after he had disappeared for 4 days, when he returned home his mother began to yell at him and call him many nicknames and unpleasant things, things that really hurt him. And it hurt me a lot that it made him think that his attempts to quit drugs or that he himself "isn't worth it." Following your advice, he can open up with me. Right now I will start looking for a treatment for it. Offer him some options and that he can take them when he is ready, because honestly I see that he is very tired, he is not happy...
I like your strategy!
Be careful you may get sucked down into the whirlpool he has created for himself.
I had humbly aplogized to my addictive loved one who I didn’t know was addicted at the time, and he said, “See that’s why I hate you.” It just confirmed to himself that I was “the bad guy.” It was an awful time.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
Boy, did I need to hear this one. P.S. NOTHING offensive with that analogy. In fact, it was quite helpful. As a dog owner, I totally get it!
Thanks Valkryie! 😁
🐩🐕- not much to choose from in the emojis. All your videos are important, but this one is powerful! I feel fear and hopelessness around my daughter . No doubt she can feel it. I will say it’s like trying to stay calm around an unpredictable tornado. I will keep your advice in mind next time and see what happens.
I like your Southern accent, fits right in with me. :) I'm in DFW area and I get teased when I'm out of Texas by alot of people, about how I talk.
Right on!
🐕 I went to counseling during this process (years ago) and she said your saying all the right things but your body language is saying the opposite doh!!!! So true but difficult to change how you feel. But I suppose it shouldnt be because we are only in this because we live them we just need to remember why. Thanku so much for all your help.
🐶🐕🦮🐩🐕🦺🐾🦴Great content! Showing appreciation is so healing!!!
Thanks Cathy!
Truly helpful in everyway
Hey Thanks Jeannie! 😁
Hi there, what if they have no means to continue their drug use? And they're still in denial? What should i do next?
He knows and acknowledged he has a problem and he keeps on telling me he knows what to do but I asked him if he wants to do what he knows to do he said he’s scared of change.
🐶 energy is everything
I really wish that you could do one of these pod casts in the evening. This way us working folks could actually listen to them and ask questions why you’re alive. Myself I have been as an alcoholic he has destroyed our family and he’s almost destroyed me and himself. He finally saw the light and got sober. But it only lasted 62 days. Now we’re starting over honestly I love him but I’m exhausted from the whole thing we’ve been together for 26 years so I’ve dealt with this for a very long time.
Amber often answers questions that are posted on her videos even if you don’t ask while she is live.
Thank You
Welcome!
Excellent advice!
Thanks MargaretK!
🐕red-necky oh my Lord, guess what. Your skill is real because you are real. Cannot imagine who would not respond to that
Awwwww shucks 🥰🥰🥰🥰
So true!!!
We had emergency systems in place and when I used these emergency contacts the contact threw me under the bus & my addicted spouse screamedat me. Letting the momentum of their addiction just roll along is the hardest thing to do but am actively working this tactic now. It’s exhausting so I’ve been minding my own business. But avoiding him bc he gets hostile. Oh and after a year of this increase happening he’s getting wasted again but STILL in denial 🙄
I can blame no-one for the consequenses of my actions.
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I need to get my energy right. I know he csn feel my fear. 😢
I have trouble with getting emotional(sad, crying) with my addicted son. How can I control myself better?
Theresa
I have done the things that have been discussed but even though when she's sober I have gotten out of the bad guy role but when she's drunk I am the bad guy again and have done nothing to cause it. Must be my energy...Its hard because i think have one foot out the door.
Same. It feels like things are getting better between us then..whomp! She’s bad mouthing me and cutting me out. Very unpredictable. It’s like the little devil is whispering in her ear.
Am I interrupting his process when I cook dinner. I am guessing that I am as if he stops to eat he's not getting enough alcohol it kills his buzz. He seems resentful. How do I handle this
I have let my AH do every solution he comes up with. Every relapse leads to another realization that it didnt work for him because XYz reason. Yet he insists on his methods which only lead him to use MORE frequently. From once a month to every three days. from one day to three days of dissapearing. The damadge can be remedied once he actually commits to sobriety. I finally said the door is no longer open for him. He is on the street now and I said while I am angry and tired of this life, I understand his actions are not his true nature. I said I am still here to support WHEN he is ready to get sober. My heart is broken and worried and angry at having received the burden. his family offers no support or empathy. instead triangulation and gossip about me.
My question is how do you get them to see they have a problem. How do you start that process?
My daughter who’s 21 will text me and ask if I will help her find a long term rehab facility for her. I gave her some choices that her insurance covers and told her she needs to find out if they have an opening for her and that they will want to talk with her. I would then help her get wherever she wants to go. Then nothing, she ghosts me. I wait. 😢
All situations are different because all people and relationships are different but if my kid asked for help I would have made the calls and said this one takes insurance and this one is open, then given her the phone number(s).
This happened to me many times - my husband would call rehab to get on a waitlist, but a week later when they had a spot available, he found any excuse (usually “I don’t need it”) to avoid going. and addiction counsellors know that it’s a common behaviour.
What if they ruin plans that were for us or the family? What if we’re already halfway there or already there? Do we leave and make a scene when there will be days of backlash rage or silent treatment ?
What if we already did everything the wrong way? How are we supposed to make it right? My loved one will obsess on every mistake I make and then holds it against me and uses it to stay away from going to rehab because in his head he thinks I'm just trying to get rid of him for 30 days so I can go have some wild affair...... so far from the truth! 😢
As she explained they can't think clearly. The science explains what the lack of Vitamin B will do the brain. I would consider a support group.
Amber...I SEE you!
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You were right. HE didn't tell me what was going on. He'd fine than I didn't hear for 2 days he died???. Well I texted his girlfriend whom left him on Thangsgiving and went to her mother's I thought. Well he sent me a text leave me the F alone go get help yourself and she been there 2 days later back. So I sad thank and I will. He's a 52yr ol. I'm 87 no one in my family helps me. And I've done well for and by my self since my divorce at 36.my husband tool all finances from me after 20yrs and in the end my kids to. Do send gifts for holidays and my BD .
This probably isn’t the correct video to comment on… but is there any way you could contact me? I don’t want to put personal info on here.
Hi Casey, you can send us a message through our website if you'd like. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/
I have a talent of reading a room, and being good judge of character. What I have seen. Stage 1 of addiction is when you stop before it gets too bad(in my case it was a friend who told me his story.) Stage 2 is when you hit rock bottom, and it hits you like a truck. Stage 3 is death or insanity, and it's a mircle if you get sober at that point.
You're 100% right, It definitely happens in stages, and the earlier you address it, the better!
What if the person is very negative and focused on all that isn't instead of what is
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👍!
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beautiful email
Even though there isn’t a live chat anymore...🐶
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I don't care about the addiction, I care about Mr. HYDE that is disregulated and pinned me as the one in the way of his true love "name addiction". Now im the enemy and treated as such, all I want is a best friend. I'm out, you can have your siren. 🧜♀️
How do I get to a friendly place if the narcissist with AUD is so ugly with me? Graystoning take me out of a situation I wasn't winning
That depends on if the person really has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or if their addiction is just bringing out narcissistic behaviors. Not sure if you've seen this video, but it might help sort out that question. ua-cam.com/video/HmsWgb3OxEU/v-deo.html
They have to want help if not then rehab won’t help
Pavlov therepy then?
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Discovered your channel a few days ago. i’ve been lol, addictively listening and watching. My adult alcoholic son is melting down in deep denial and i’m overwhelmed and terrified. 🌎🤷♀️🙆♀️🫶🏼🕊
Welcome to our little community, Beegirls! You'll find lots of good resources and support here.
@@PutTheShovelDown
Good morning and thank you immensely🌎🫶🏼🕊Your many topics and advisements have guided me smoothly the last two days, allowing me a boundary reset. Perfect…. Have an incredible day dear ones and I’ll stay on task‼️🌎🫶🏼🦋🕊
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Thanks Marie!
Get Space but do you leave the kids with the Chaos? Tough to get them to leave with you. They feel the chaos.
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Dog daddy ❤
So just sit back and watch them do fentnyl and hope it's not a lethal dose or tranq.... Got it smh
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🐕🦺 I love this video!! The email you quote is exactly the reminder of perspective I want to remember. I vacillate between being ok and completely NOT. I desire connection!
Thank you. I need that one.🫠👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Any time! Thanks for taking time to watch and leave a comment! 💌💌
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