As a Kenyan I see our aunties in weddings advice women that their husbands are their firstborns. A classic way of mothering a man. I think this lie is spread widely in some African countries. And I'm unlearning this. Thank you.
I’m Kenyan 🇰🇪 too and this is so true and it’s sets wives up for failure in marriage. But also when you study the said aunties marriages they are really just stating what they’ve done. They don’t know better
Kenyan too here. I'm younger but I've observed this over and over even in family gatherings. So many women here take charge of the household, do chores and still work a full-time job and even do the financial stuff while being married. It makes me sad to see.
Yes! Let me tell you Maina, I am unlearning this. It is so ingrained in our society, setting us as women for failure. While my wasband was abusive, I finally accept and see where my mothering made the abuse worse and led to my lack of boundaries... To more unlearning for us ladies. There is definitely an awakening
This is a super important topic! Our mothering instincts are incredibly useful and important, but in the absence of proper guidance from wiser women in our community, we're prone to following those instincts when we shouldn't. I for one frequently can't tell when I'm mothering my husband vs wifing; he often has to tell me when I'm being overbearing! Can't wait for this video.
We always hear “women like the bad boys” but you are so right. It is not that we like “bad” boys we like Peter Pans. Cute, fun, take you on adventures, seem wild and free. They do tend to always have a tinkerbell on the side and they will never be a masculine leader. So profound.
Ladies it’s not that our men don’t appreciate us , but men have a “ let you figure out “ kind of approach to help and we have a “jump in and help even if it’s not asked “ . Knowing this will help us understand each other .
I didn't realise how many of these behaviours I followed. I grew up in a household where my mum had to assume a leadership role and my dad could have a temper at times. So I regularly over ask how my partner is doing and take charge of situations. This was so eye opening thank you ❤️
Ladies if a man refuses to take accountability, responsibility, and is emotionally immature, LEAVE!!! A grown man that behaves like a child will not be able to take care of yours, and won't step up to the plate when it comes down to it. Mothering a man like that does nothing, in the end you won't win. Many of us other ladies learned the hard way, don't make that mistske yourself.
Great video as always. Well thought out and original. I can definitely relate as to emotional monitoring. My fiancée, lovely as she is, has a tendency to ask me if I’m okay. Some days it happens 3-4x a day. I have asked her to please stop asking me that multiple times because I always just say “I’m fine”. I’ll be honest I don’t know why it irritates me so much. Maybe because usually it’s something minor and I don’t even want to address it, or maybe it’s because I will talk about it if I want to. Glad you brought this up because I’ve talked with a friend about it too and he has experienced the same thing.
I’m the wife and my husband was the emotional monitor at the start of our relationship and still sometimes. I totally get how annoying it can be. He would all ask the time if I’m okay and yeah, either I am or if I’m not I will be and don’t need to talk about every little thing 😅 it’s an interesting topic
From my experience it sounds like insecurity. Often women are afraid when men are quiet or distant that theyre unhappy in the relationship. I’ve heard from many guys this isn’t the case. Take it as a sign that she could use some reassurance. In the moment you may need some space, so just tell her your fine but tired or whatever. Then later do something to make her feel special. The more you reassure her the less insecure she’ll be, the less she’ll ask if your alright and the more she’ll trust it’s not about her.
1:52 agree, women nowadays make it seem like the men are supposed to hate their mothers and worship them like there’s some form of Goddess on the Earth it’s so sad
Absolutely love your channel. Sharing truth restrained by love. From one fellow sister in Christ to another, God bless you for speaking on these topics! ❤️❤️
My sister made two children with a Peter Pan. Now she’s alone because he ran off with a Tinkerbell. They’re fun at the start but they can’t handle responsibility and she ended up being a second mother. It destroyed it. He is still just a boy with two babies he never sees (because he’s too lazy).
I soooo agree with you about how it should not be seen as an ideal for a man to look for a woman who treats them like their mother does. If he has a mother, he should go to her. A woman is a mother only to her children. They are what made her a mother after all. Same goes for her and her father. Nurturing qualities can be exercised outside of motherhood of course, but baby-ing a full grown man is an insult to both of your intelligences. Looking for someone to not just have the good qualities of your parents, but rather be a parent to you after you’ve left their household sounds like a bunch of potential psychiatric issues that need to be unpacked. Comforting your husband through a rough time≠mothering, I will say that. Because we can seek comfort from anyone, but if he’s looking at you to take care of all the problems you’re comforting him for, as if he’s incapable of handling them when he actually is fully capable he just doesn’t want to do it, and you as a woman do do that, that’s mothering. That tells him that when he feels that he’s facing a problem thrown at him from the world he can run to mommy and she’ll call the principal or take care of it. I also feel like this ties into weaponized incompetence that some guys do, and Jasmyne I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. I feel like it ties into this topic because a lot of guys will sometimes like to feel and act like they’re a “leader” or powerful but then when it comes to certain things they have to do, say in a household or relationship, and don’t want to, they’ll shift that responsibility onto the woman by either completely neglecting the duty until she does it or acting like he doesn’t know how to do it. And then still act like he should be looked at as a leader. It’s hard to look at someone as if they are a leader, if you’ve already shown the person that you’re leading that you’re incompetent in basic areas and force them to mother you otherwise things that help a household or relationship function, just don’t function. Of course this can look different for every relationship, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Edit: 7:15 this statement right here is why I bring this point up. I feel like a lot of women say or do this not just necessarily because they marry someone they can’t respect, it sounds like they are with someone who potentially utilizes weaponized incompetence and thus they feel like they’re caring for someone in a way that’s like caring for a child and not a fully grown adult. Because this person has shown that they do not handle things that mature and able adults do, and still making him feel like “the man” of the household feels like gentle parenting or throwing a dog a treat for doing “so well!” That is just my pov tho.
exactly. I feel like this part wasn't talked about at all and it was necessary. I've seen too many women in my family suffer from this weaponized incompetence, that leads to the man sitting on the couch or doing his own thing happily while the woman cleans and cooks like a maid. Not cool at all
You have no idea how much I needed this video! I do all of these and am constantly combatting that side of me. I believe it has been the downfall of my past relationships. I am seeing a man who is very masculine and whenever I do any of these things, he will immediately be upset with me. It has been difficult to navigate this because previously I didn’t have anyone to correct me or stop me in my tracks with that behavior. This video is very very helpful because now everything clicks in my mind and I can see how and where I can improve! Thank you!!
@@Clleonie hi yea after 6 years on and off. We finally broke up. In the end he found something to be upset about and decided to break it off. Now that I’m out of that relationship I can see much more clearly that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and he had many narcissistic tendencies. He had a lack of empathy and I don’t use these words lightly at all because it took me so long to understand. Even after applying the key things from this post he would just find other things to be upset over that most people wouldn’t think about. I still think this video is very helpful and I will be applying it to my personality as I am prone to people pleasing. But I will make sure to evaluate the person and be aware of their behavior towards me more.
So guilty of emotional monitoring! I take on others' emotions so it's so important that they be ok. I do that as a mom and a wife. Will be working on this.
Just want to say that I’m glad I found your videos before I meant my husband, they have be so instrumental in my healing and preparing to be the wife I wanted to be thank you for letting god use you to drop some many gems to us young ladies ❤
i got some ideas too on how to stay as a wife and not the mother 1. Understand what makes you feel beautiful and share that with him. It leads to better emotional, mental, and physical intimacy. 2. Express appreciation and be grateful when ypur husband does something for you or for the home. It makes him feel needed and see he has purpose in your life and family life.
Never trust a man that you can’t ask to help put up security cameras around your home or even so much as a doorbell cam because he is very much in cahoots with people who benefit from your lack of protection ✌🏿 I wonder if I made myself clear enough that they better stay tf away from me & keep their roaches to themselves.
This really exposed some parts in me that I am thankful to learn and willing to change. I don't emotional monitor as much but I am still working on it. The disagreeing one is a huge one for me because if I don't agree with something or don't understand something I will let the person know. I am glad that I know this while being single
This is true... to an extent. "Mothering" in the context of enabling psychological regression on their partner (eg. enabling excessive escapism, fear of accountability, fear of commitment, etc) should NOT be condoned nor normalized. On the other hand, it is psychologically and neurologically normal for men to crave motherly nurture from their partner within a romantic relationship, and this does not always necessarily mean that they are immature nor exhibiting regression. Some men may seek female partners who provide comfort, unconditional love, protection, and warmth -- since these traits are nurturing but also satiating for emotional connection and they create a safe space for vulnerability. Vulnerability is the key towards communication, and in some cases, a form of nurture may be necessary to enhance communication. Furthermore, neural pathways associated with childhood experiences can shape preferences and desires in adulthood. If a man formed neural associations between their main source of comfort and a motherly set of traits from their main caregiver, then these associations WILL highly impact the way they will seek for that said set of traits from the partner, as this would be the brain's way of naturally replicating that comfort. TLDR: It's essential to distinguish between enabling regression/immaturity, and simply providing nurture in a healthy extent within a relationship. So long as all parties within the relationship take accountability of their mistakes, then certain nurturing traits that come from "mothering" can even be beneficial. Regardless, of course, neither party should take the role of a parent nor a therapist.
Hi! I found your comment very interesting. I was worried about being too "motherly " to my partner since I’m the first born of my family and he’s an only child that lost his mother way too early. We have great communication, assume problems when it’s due and both settle boundaries when it’s needed. But he also like being pampered from time to time. For example he likes when I feed him or wash his hair. He also values physical touch a lot. All of this doesn’t bother me and I actually like doing them. But on the other hand I don’t want them to be unhealthy and destroy our relationship later on. Do you think it’s okay for us to act like this or should we stop?
Thank you ! I definitely noticed that I am such a “motherly “ person and your video came at the right time . God bless you and your message to ladies raised by a fallen world ❤
It’s really great that you are making these kind of videos. I wish I had learned things like this back when I was a teenager/young adult. This is such valuable wisdom…
ok video didn’t even start yet but 10000% yessss. NOT worth dating a man child, put that energy into yourself instead. Spend over 3 years in my first and only relationship doing so and vowed to never do that again smh
Sometimes there's a thin line between "wifing" and mothering, and it takes discernment to be able to stay on course. Having said this, there's still a place of mothering and fathering one's spouse occasionally just to "spoil" them. As they say, there's a child in every man and woman.
Yes, One way of identifying a man child is they constantly try to escape accountability and responsibility. Another is they can't take criticism like they see that as an attack on them.
@jasmine pls do a video on these three topics, ive severely hurt my chances with someone bec of my lack of maturity and i only had romcoms and aunty culture tell me how to treat ur man, which completely ruined his feelings for me after dealing with it for a year... i dont wsnt to repeat the patterns. I'm trying but i keep feeling insecure that im not good enough bec even weeks of keeping up the good stance i break and burst out immaturely and act crazily
Great video! There were some men I dated who were looking for a “mother”, & maybe it’s a coincidence, but I noticed they were the ones raised in day care & were also uninterested in doing the work to grow out of wanting to marry a mother.
I understand what you’re saying, that should not be the only dynamic of the relationship. However inside of each of us lives the child we used to be, many of whom went through a lot of traumatic instances. Being able to step into that role when your partner truly needs it can deeply strengthen your relationship and make them feel safe. My husband is an excellent provider, leader, husband and father. But there have been times when he needed to allow his emotions to run free, going through an extremely hard time in life, needed a shoulder to cry on, to be held and told it’s going to be okay. There is nothing wrong with stepping into that role on occasion in support of your spouse.
You've shared SO many great tips in this video- some I wasn't aware of, so I'm going to have to watch this TWICE! Your ministry and channel are such a blessing- thank you, Jasmyne xo
This is such great insight and advice! I constantly joke that I have two children, my child and my husband, and he does as well! I had never considered how that might actually be placing us in this bizarre "mother / child" relationship dynamic! that is definitely NOT what I want in my marriage.
Your explanation of the Peter Pan story is very profound. How many of us watched this cartoon as a child yet never conceptualised any pointers wht you mentioned....deep...very deep...Thank you so much for your insights
Could you please tell more of these allegory stories like the Peter Pan one? I find them so fascinating, easy to remember and relate to certain situations in my life and what to look out for!
UA-cam suggested this video to me, I feel grateful for it, I was in a relationship where this dynamic of mother and son existed, I assumed the responsibility of healing my emotional wounds, I am working In being my best version and this helps me to be aware for my next relationship, thank you!
💯 my ex, 💯 our struggle, 💯 why I left the relationship even though I had so much love for him. Great video, thank you for spreading this awareness. Much needed today.
I didn’t want to mother my ex but he wouldn’t do chores, cook, take care of our pets, etc. I communicated often that he had to participate in heavy lifting in the relationship but he had too many issues and used his trauma as an excuse to play video games all day long. Broke up with his because of it
Amazing advice! I have been noticing habits of mine like these and this video helped to show me more that I can be cautious of. Trusting my fiancé and soon to be husband has been the answer to most of it! ❤
Beautiful video, eloquent and very sweet as always. Ive been guilty of this but learning and maturing, especially as my relationship to God has deeepened and I've come to rest in my feminine nature and true desires which aren't to mother a man, though I had those patterns from unhealthy upbringing. Thank you Jasmyne, blessings and love 🙏🤍🌹⛲
I love nurturing him not because I think he’s an overgrown boy. And no it’s not a constant thing. While my husband is very secure with himself and regulates his emotions well, at times when he’s under extreme stress I want to support him emotionally and by nurturing him a bit he feels supported and cared for…that’s my role as a helpmate. He has emotions too…God said it is not good for man to be alone. My attraction towards him hasn’t changed but increased. I respect my husband. I love that he needs me and he loves that I need him and yes he’s a fatherly figure to me as well more often because I’m a woman that needs a leader and security. I know men and women are different.
Awesome video! I think as Christians, it's better to use the term "mother wound" and "father wound" instead of "mommy/daddy issues." The fact is that we all carry wounds from our childhood because our hearts are made for perfect love, the kind of love that we can only receive from God, but we were raised by fallen/imperfect humans. Even if you had great parents, everyone carries some mother/father wounds. We need to open those wounds up to the Lord in prayer and also open them up to our spouse in a mature way so that we can receive healing. Whereas, I think the term "mommy/daddy issues" really comes from the evil one who wants us to believe that we are unlovable because of our wounds and sins, and he wants us to hide them rather than receive healing. I still completely agree that it's not correct to act like a mother towards a man with a mother wound; that's just replacing one unhealthy dynamic with another. However, I think a man and a woman should be able to open up their wounds to each other in a marriage and be received by each other with tenderness and compassion. I think that is truly how healing and sanctification happen in a marriage!
Honestly if a man needs this much help to step into a leadership role and needs a woman to encourage him to be a leader then he is not a leader. The strong and powerful men I have met just command authority naturally and you are automatically inclined to trust their judgement and follow their lead, they don't need permission from a woman to be a leader. In a way it is still placing the burden onto a woman's shoulders for hee to coax leadership out of him by stroking his ego. It is so true that no one should not mother a man in a romantic relationship and this is a fantastic video with a wake-up call about not enabling man-children and not turning away mature masculines with controlling coddling. But neither should a man need a weak woman in order to feel powerful. Idk maybe it's just me.
Depends on your perspective. I’m Christian so I believe all human beings have a propensity to sin even in the most perfect of circumstances so that means that even if a man is passionately stepping up to the plate, a woman will probably still have the urge to usurp the position of authority by controlling him under the guise of mothering him
It’s like you read my soul with the Emotional Monitoring. Evidently I’m very guilty of tying to mother my husband. 😅 I truly appreciate this video and hope it helps me grow as a woman and as a wife.
Wow I cannot tell you how grateful I am for this video!! It called out so many behaviors I have started to become aware of in myself. I haven’t known what to do instead but the suggestions you gave were so helpful! Think you could do a video specifically on how to “girlfriend/wife”?!
Ooh the one that got me the most is offering unsolicited advice. Mainly just for training our puppy. That’s super hard for me. I’m the dog trainer of the family, so people do need to mirror my actions when they train the dog as well, so I do give tips and advice a LOT. But is that bad? It’s very important for everyone to be on the same page for dog training or your dog won’t listen to them… hmmmmm and he rarely interacts with them in a training manner so it’s difficult to watch
Just turned on this video and yes! I saw these comments on UA-cam lately and had to explain the disrespect of saying your husband is a child or mothering him.
I am so glad I came across this channel before getting married, I never knew emotional monitoring is bad thing because thats hoe they show it in movies that a wife should know when something is slightly wrong with their husband, and thats how she shows she cares for him, also the motherly nature because women want to control husband, but the want to control someone lies in they being immature, hence peter pan. So real solution is not to marry one. THANKS Alot❤️
I can't believe I'm just discovering your channel but I'm grateful I did. I watched to the end with rapt attention and I love love love every point you made. You've got a new fan! 😃
Wow Jasmyne! I enjoyed every bit of it. Your delivery is both interesting and informative at the same time! I also admire how very educated and enlightened you are on the current cultural dynamics and misconceptions
Very apt video for myself at this time, as this is something I can tend to do with my husband and I can also have a bite. He definitely pushes back on me and doesn’t just take it, which is good. Something I’m praying about for sure and just trying to learn how to relinquish that control or need for it. Thank you for the great video 🙏.
Wow this was eye opening for me. Refreshing and convicting. Something was feeling internally In me and this video is helping me give language to what I’ve been trying to identify within myself. I’m excited to grow
This is truly hard to hear, married 5 years and guilty of all of it. Some of it feels like i should just ignore him and act like be doesnt exist lol. It feels like the urge to take control of the situation is a normal part of me, letting go is hard. Being married is hard 🤕😵
Men do not feel their best when women are taking care of them. Men thrive in masculine and women thrive in feminine roles. Both partners will never be valued enough from each other. I struggled with this in a past relationship. It wasn’t love…
Basically you're talking about a Pookie, Ray Ray and Nook Nook. These are the type of men that a lot of ladies in our community find themselves procreating with and wondering why these men don't want to be responsible at the same time handling everything at the cost of their mental and Financial health . If you're from the suburbs a chad and Tyrone with the same scenario.
I desperately need help from you ladies out there. I’m relatively new to exploring femininity as I was raised by men, not mature ones at that, for most of my life. Unfortunately, my mom had to work all the time while my dad was a deadbeat, so I didn’t get to learn that much from her about being a woman. Currently, I’m in a situation where I’m newly married to a man that I love. He believes in God and is willing to grow in his faith, but I really wish he would take more initiative when it came to Bible study, prayer, etc. There was also a time where I was working full time while going to school, and he was only going to school and not working. This was extremely difficult for me because I have some physical and mental problems I’m trying to work through. Years of complex trauma and physical issues that were never addressed before (my dad wasn’t particularly nurturing and didn’t take me to the doctor) but anyways. That’s just a little backstory for y’all. The struggle I’m currently facing, besides those, is my husband’s cat. Since we’re both in school right now and won’t be in this area for very long, my mom is graciously letting us borrow her RV to live in. I told Juan before we moved in that if she started to tear things up (she completely ripped up ALL the furniture at the apt we were just stating in; couches, beds, screen door to the patio) she would have to leave. I have a lot of patience, but this is my moms place, and she doesn’t have much. I don’t wanna add anymore strife to her difficult life by returning her something that has a single blemish on it. She’s an artist and she will notice the smallest thing. He said he understood and agreed. For a while it was going okay, she was just annoying but nothing was messed up. Things then started getting out of hand. She has fleas so I asked that she not to be on the bed (I have O blood type and get targeted majorly by insects). He has absolutely no regard for that. “Her hiding spot” is my closet and my clothes are covered in fur. He won’t even let my close the closet door so she doesn’t get in there, he’ll immediately open it if I do. She’s on the bed all the time. I don’t like her to be on the table and counters, animals are not people and I don’t think they belong on tables and counters. He has no respect for that either, he gets upset and annoyed when I remove her. She has also begun to scratch things up. He was going to take her back a few days ago but changed his mind in a few hours. I ended up spending 70$ on her flea collar that day because he said to and we don’t have a lot of money right now. I’m trying my best to be obedient and a good wife, but this is taking it’s toll. I feel like I’m second place to an animal, which is absolutely ridiculous. I’ve been doing so much work with God lately about renewing my soul and becoming more like Jesus, but I’m not nearly enough like Him to know how to properly handle this. I could really use some wisdom from you all. I also want to note that it’s not he doesn’t love me or anything like that. He’s in the process of getting a job right now and worked since he was very young. He worked overtime consistently throughout his older teenage years. I think that’s part of the reason why he was enjoying his little hiatus. He’s fully capable of taking care of me, he’s the one that got the water and everything set up for the RV, he made the calls to get our spot and organized towing it here. I know he loves me a lot and will do what needs to be done, but I struggle with the fact that he doesn’t seem to respect me, as previously explained. I’m anxious around him when completing tasks because I’m so ready for him to attack me for any mistakes. He doesn’t do it out of hate, but he gets frustrated a lot and it really stresses me out bc of the trauma I faced in childhood. At the same time he’s very forgiving, so that’s nice. Idk tbh I might just be overreacting. (Sorry if that was a train wreck to read. I’m usually a decent writer but I have a lot on my mind and needed to get those things off my chest) If you read all that, thank you lol. If you have any advice please let me know. God bless :)
It seems you will have to have a serious talk with him about that cat. If he can't respect your wishes in this small matter, then it will only get worse later on. Be firm. Did you know he was like this with cats? That cat needs to be trained. Perhaps encourage him to train the cat. You should not have to be anxious and fear making mistakes around your husband. If he reprimands you in a way that is not pleasing, let him know. What you allow is what will continue. All the best.
With cats, you have to learn to work with their nature and not against it. The cat might even be scratching more because you are stressing it out doing things like kicking it out of a hiding spot. If it wants to scratch, provide scratching posts and put plastic covers or clear tape over things you don’t want scratched at least until it becomes the cat’s habit to go for the scratching post instead. Don’t kick it out of a hiding spot unless it has somewhere else to hide. I know RVs are small but I’m sure there must be some creative solution to give the cat a nice spot to hide. I doubt your husband thinks he is disrespecting you, but rather sees it as looking out for something that is completely dependent on him for its well-being. That’s being responsible. Maybe where the cats needs and your needs are in conflict, present to him as a problem for him to solve. I’m sure you can find ways to keep the cat away from certain spots you feel strongly about it, but it might not be realistic to limit its movement as much as you want when it’s already in a small space.
@@brittybee6615 thank you for your advice! The cat does have places to hide, there’s a whole room with 2 bunks that we reserved for her, it even has a curtain for some privacy if she needs it, there’s 2 windows for each of the bunks and I opened both for her to look out of, there’s also a space underneath behind a cushion we don’t use that she likes to go to. Her little box is there as well and we have a cat tree with a scratching post that we positioned there for her to high up and still in the main area, because I know cats are social animals. The tree also gives her a way to get to the top bunk, which she likes. On top of that we keep one of the windows open, which isn’t great for me because I get eaten alive by bugs and it makes it hot in the RV (we live in Texas), but I allow it because when they lived at her parents house, she had an open window to go in and out as she pleased. We have since brought her back to his parents house, we go every weekend and we’re only staying here for a couple more months, so it’s not too bad of a separation. She’s also well taken care of there, the whole family looks out for her, makes sure she’s fed and her little box is clean. One thing that kind of bothers me tho, although it’s not my issue and it doesn’t do any good to worry about it, is his attitude toward the other cat. He has two, Coral (the one that was with us), is his second cat and Luna is the first. Luna has some respiratory problems and he has known this for a while, since before he got Coral. The cat is still young, only 4 years old, but he looks sick and is very skinny. There’s not a high chance someone else will adopt him, and he deserves to live his life full of love, especially if he might not have much longer. However, he wants to get rid of Luna just because coral is staying there now, even tho he doesn’t bother her at all. It’s coral that instigates from time to time. Luna would have nowhere to go, and because I do have such a soft spot for animals, I’m trying to convince him to let him spend his last year or so in peace, in the loving home he spent all his life in. The whole situation makes me think that maybe his infatuation is with Coral specifically and it’s not just that he’s trying to be a good owner. It seems a little concerning to me, and his family all thinks it’s pretty messed up as well. I’m sure he probably has the same infatuation with Luna when he first got him, but I’m starting to think that maybe he just got Coral to detach from him, or because he wanted a new healthy, cute cat. When we’re there at the house, he does all the things to him that he would get mad at me for if I did them to coral. While we were there with both cats, he was constantly scruffing Luna and throwing him outside, supposedly because he would eat out of corals bowl and could make her sick, but he wouldn’t do anything about coral eating out of Luna’s bowl. Multiple times, he took Luna out of the house when he wasn’t doing anything at all, just minding his own business like he also has does, not even near coral. I’m also wondering why he would get another kitten at all if he knew he had to take care of Luna, and when he came up here for school, he took coral and left Luna. It honestly makes me sad because he won’t even pet him, even when he asks for attention (which is rarely, now he doesn’t do it at all because every time Juan touches him it’s just to scruff him and throw him out). Luna spent the whole weekend following me around because I’m the only one that gives him love, he even laid on my chest and cuddled with me, which he apparently never does with anyone, except maybe juan when he first got him. To be honest, I could be reading too much into it, and it’s really not my problem to begin with, but it doesn’t sit right with me. Idk, what do you think?
@@aliciasandy2042 thank you for the advice, I did talk with him and although he got upset and said some hurtful things, we did take the car back to his parents house. She’s well lived there and it’s only for a couple months until we move out of the RV.
@@HonuTheDisciple Awesome! That's a good start. Don't let the hurtful things slide. If you notice it is becoming a habit when y'all disagree, 'nip it in the bud' immediately. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
She did not just DRAG Tinkerbell across the floor like that 😂💕
As a Kenyan I see our aunties in weddings advice women that their husbands are their firstborns. A classic way of mothering a man. I think this lie is spread widely in some African countries. And I'm unlearning this. Thank you.
I’m half Kenyan! 🇰🇪 💛 Happy to see you here!
I’m Kenyan 🇰🇪 too and this is so true and it’s sets wives up for failure in marriage. But also when you study the said aunties marriages they are really just stating what they’ve done. They don’t know better
Kenyan too here. I'm younger but I've observed this over and over even in family gatherings. So many women here take charge of the household, do chores and still work a full-time job and even do the financial stuff while being married. It makes me sad to see.
Yes! Let me tell you Maina, I am unlearning this. It is so ingrained in our society, setting us as women for failure. While my wasband was abusive, I finally accept and see where my mothering made the abuse worse and led to my lack of boundaries... To more unlearning for us ladies. There is definitely an awakening
@@Sonnie_Compass I agree, they don't know better.
This is a super important topic! Our mothering instincts are incredibly useful and important, but in the absence of proper guidance from wiser women in our community, we're prone to following those instincts when we shouldn't. I for one frequently can't tell when I'm mothering my husband vs wifing; he often has to tell me when I'm being overbearing! Can't wait for this video.
We always hear “women like the bad boys” but you are so right. It is not that we like “bad” boys we like Peter Pans. Cute, fun, take you on adventures, seem wild and free. They do tend to always have a tinkerbell on the side and they will never be a masculine leader. So profound.
Ladies it’s not that our men don’t appreciate us , but men have a “ let you figure out “ kind of approach to help and we have a “jump in and help even if it’s not asked “ . Knowing this will help us understand each other .
Good point
How do I break him out of this?
@@dolly20ifyyou can’t do it for him. He needs to want to change himself. If you need his help, simply say, “I need your help, please help me”.
@@dolly20ifymost men are turned off by mothering, if he's into it you probably wanna consider finding a more masculine partner
I didn't realise how many of these behaviours I followed. I grew up in a household where my mum had to assume a leadership role and my dad could have a temper at times. So I regularly over ask how my partner is doing and take charge of situations. This was so eye opening thank you ❤️
i feel so feminine after taking your tips
Ladies if a man refuses to take accountability, responsibility, and is emotionally immature, LEAVE!!! A grown man that behaves like a child will not be able to take care of yours, and won't step up to the plate when it comes down to it. Mothering a man like that does nothing, in the end you won't win. Many of us other ladies learned the hard way, don't make that mistske yourself.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Great video as always. Well thought out and original. I can definitely relate as to emotional monitoring. My fiancée, lovely as she is, has a tendency to ask me if I’m okay. Some days it happens 3-4x a day. I have asked her to please stop asking me that multiple times because I always just say “I’m fine”. I’ll be honest I don’t know why it irritates me so much. Maybe because usually it’s something minor and I don’t even want to address it, or maybe it’s because I will talk about it if I want to. Glad you brought this up because I’ve talked with a friend about it too and he has experienced the same thing.
Yep! It really irritates my husband, as well but it can be helped 🙌
I’m the wife and my husband was the emotional monitor at the start of our relationship and still sometimes. I totally get how annoying it can be. He would all ask the time if I’m okay and yeah, either I am or if I’m not I will be and don’t need to talk about every little thing 😅 it’s an interesting topic
@@JasmyneTheodoraBut that's good. That's the curiosity that God gave to women, and it's a beautiful thing!
From my experience it sounds like insecurity. Often women are afraid when men are quiet or distant that theyre unhappy in the relationship. I’ve heard from many guys this isn’t the case.
Take it as a sign that she could use some reassurance. In the moment you may need some space, so just tell her your fine but tired or whatever. Then later do something to make her feel special.
The more you reassure her the less insecure she’ll be, the less she’ll ask if your alright and the more she’ll trust it’s not about her.
@@RhymeandRamblings😮👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
This woman is truly fantastic. We need to make a million clones of her. ❤❤❤
Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 🥹🥹
1:52 agree, women nowadays make it seem like the men are supposed to hate their mothers and worship them like there’s some form of Goddess on the Earth it’s so sad
I agree ! She’s a great role model
Amen. I'd be happy to run across a woman like you. Like a lily among thorns.... Songs of Solomon.
Exactly where her sister ?
Absolutely love your channel. Sharing truth restrained by love. From one fellow sister in Christ to another, God bless you for speaking on these topics! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much! God bless you! 💛💛
You shouldn’t be his peace… only he can find peace within himself
Lol no you better be his peace.
My sister made two children with a Peter Pan. Now she’s alone because he ran off with a Tinkerbell.
They’re fun at the start but they can’t handle responsibility and she ended up being a second mother. It destroyed it. He is still just a boy with two babies he never sees (because he’s too lazy).
This video both reiterated tips that my husband and I learned "the hard way" and brought up new points for me to think about! Love it.
I soooo agree with you about how it should not be seen as an ideal for a man to look for a woman who treats them like their mother does. If he has a mother, he should go to her. A woman is a mother only to her children. They are what made her a mother after all. Same goes for her and her father. Nurturing qualities can be exercised outside of motherhood of course, but baby-ing a full grown man is an insult to both of your intelligences. Looking for someone to not just have the good qualities of your parents, but rather be a parent to you after you’ve left their household sounds like a bunch of potential psychiatric issues that need to be unpacked.
Comforting your husband through a rough time≠mothering, I will say that. Because we can seek comfort from anyone, but if he’s looking at you to take care of all the problems you’re comforting him for, as if he’s incapable of handling them when he actually is fully capable he just doesn’t want to do it, and you as a woman do do that, that’s mothering. That tells him that when he feels that he’s facing a problem thrown at him from the world he can run to mommy and she’ll call the principal or take care of it.
I also feel like this ties into weaponized incompetence that some guys do, and Jasmyne I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. I feel like it ties into this topic because a lot of guys will sometimes like to feel and act like they’re a “leader” or powerful but then when it comes to certain things they have to do, say in a household or relationship, and don’t want to, they’ll shift that responsibility onto the woman by either completely neglecting the duty until she does it or acting like he doesn’t know how to do it. And then still act like he should be looked at as a leader. It’s hard to look at someone as if they are a leader, if you’ve already shown the person that you’re leading that you’re incompetent in basic areas and force them to mother you otherwise things that help a household or relationship function, just don’t function. Of course this can look different for every relationship, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Edit: 7:15 this statement right here is why I bring this point up. I feel like a lot of women say or do this not just necessarily because they marry someone they can’t respect, it sounds like they are with someone who potentially utilizes weaponized incompetence and thus they feel like they’re caring for someone in a way that’s like caring for a child and not a fully grown adult. Because this person has shown that they do not handle things that mature and able adults do, and still making him feel like “the man” of the household feels like gentle parenting or throwing a dog a treat for doing “so well!” That is just my pov tho.
exactly. I feel like this part wasn't talked about at all and it was necessary. I've seen too many women in my family suffer from this weaponized incompetence, that leads to the man sitting on the couch or doing his own thing happily while the woman cleans and cooks like a maid. Not cool at all
one of the only channels in which i dont replay videos.. everything is flowing and my brain is digesting it so openly haha!
Awesome 🤩
You have no idea how much I needed this video! I do all of these and am constantly combatting that side of me. I believe it has been the downfall of my past relationships. I am seeing a man who is very masculine and whenever I do any of these things, he will immediately be upset with me. It has been difficult to navigate this because previously I didn’t have anyone to correct me or stop me in my tracks with that behavior. This video is very very helpful because now everything clicks in my mind and I can see how and where I can improve!
Thank you!!
Hello, how are things in your relationship now ? Have you made changes ? I am the same as you were, and need to make changes.
@@Clleonie hi yea after 6 years on and off. We finally broke up. In the end he found something to be upset about and decided to break it off. Now that I’m out of that relationship I can see much more clearly that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and he had many narcissistic tendencies. He had a lack of empathy and I don’t use these words lightly at all because it took me so long to understand. Even after applying the key things from this post he would just find other things to be upset over that most people wouldn’t think about. I still think this video is very helpful and I will be applying it to my personality as I am prone to people pleasing. But I will make sure to evaluate the person and be aware of their behavior towards me more.
Emotional spousal support =/= a parent/child dynamic. That comment was wild! Thank you for calling out mothering as a relationship killer.
I hear you. Just adding the other side of this. Don't date a guy who you think needs a mother. Date someone you trust and respect already
You’re not gonna know that until you date them.
@@thechartmaverickso truuue. It’s always when it’s too late.
So guilty of emotional monitoring! I take on others' emotions so it's so important that they be ok. I do that as a mom and a wife. Will be working on this.
Just want to say that I’m glad I found your videos before I meant my husband, they have be so instrumental in my healing and preparing to be the wife I wanted to be thank you for letting god use you to drop some many gems to us young ladies ❤
i got some ideas too on how to stay as a wife and not the mother
1. Understand what makes you feel beautiful and share that with him. It leads to better emotional, mental, and physical intimacy.
2. Express appreciation and be grateful when ypur husband does something for you or for the home. It makes him feel needed and see he has purpose in your life and family life.
Never trust a man that you can’t ask to help put up security cameras around your home or even so much as a doorbell cam because he is very much in cahoots with people who benefit from your lack of protection ✌🏿 I wonder if I made myself clear enough that they better stay tf away from me & keep their roaches to themselves.
This really exposed some parts in me that I am thankful to learn and willing to change. I don't emotional monitor as much but I am still working on it. The disagreeing one is a huge one for me because if I don't agree with something or don't understand something I will let the person know. I am glad that I know this while being single
This topic is so needed for the society and yet so sad
This is true... to an extent. "Mothering" in the context of enabling psychological regression on their partner (eg. enabling excessive escapism, fear of accountability, fear of commitment, etc) should NOT be condoned nor normalized. On the other hand, it is psychologically and neurologically normal for men to crave motherly nurture from their partner within a romantic relationship, and this does not always necessarily mean that they are immature nor exhibiting regression. Some men may seek female partners who provide comfort, unconditional love, protection, and warmth -- since these traits are nurturing but also satiating for emotional connection and they create a safe space for vulnerability. Vulnerability is the key towards communication, and in some cases, a form of nurture may be necessary to enhance communication. Furthermore, neural pathways associated with childhood experiences can shape preferences and desires in adulthood. If a man formed neural associations between their main source of comfort and a motherly set of traits from their main caregiver, then these associations WILL highly impact the way they will seek for that said set of traits from the partner, as this would be the brain's way of naturally replicating that comfort.
TLDR: It's essential to distinguish between enabling regression/immaturity, and simply providing nurture in a healthy extent within a relationship. So long as all parties within the relationship take accountability of their mistakes, then certain nurturing traits that come from "mothering" can even be beneficial. Regardless, of course, neither party should take the role of a parent nor a therapist.
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Hi! I found your comment very interesting. I was worried about being too "motherly " to my partner since I’m the first born of my family and he’s an only child that lost his mother way too early. We have great communication, assume problems when it’s due and both settle boundaries when it’s needed. But he also like being pampered from time to time. For example he likes when I feed him or wash his hair. He also values physical touch a lot. All of this doesn’t bother me and I actually like doing them. But on the other hand I don’t want them to be unhealthy and destroy our relationship later on. Do you think it’s okay for us to act like this or should we stop?
This analysis really makes me want to never let my kids watch Disney movies 😅
😂😂
Thank you ! I definitely noticed that I am such a “motherly “ person and your video came at the right time . God bless you and your message to ladies raised by a fallen world ❤
You are doing such a needed, useful work! Women today are constantly being compared to men as if being equal meant to be the same. God bless you!
It’s really great that you are making these kind of videos. I wish I had learned things like this back when I was a teenager/young adult. This is such valuable wisdom…
Fell for a Peter Pan and he broke my heart… I highly highly agree with you and would never fall for one again.
ok video didn’t even start yet but 10000% yessss. NOT worth dating a man child, put that energy into yourself instead. Spend over 3 years in my first and only relationship doing so and vowed to never do that again smh
Heal, and don't allow that pain into your marriage.
100% don’t date a man that needs to be mothered, but on the other hand sometimes women do it when it’s unnecessary
18:43 omg I'm SOOOO on board with that. As if I've lived 30 years on this earth and don't know how to do this mundane task.
Truly helpful. I didn't realize I was doing this. And my bf did tell me I sometimes act like his mom and he didn't like it. I like your channel ❤
Glad it was helpful!
Sometimes there's a thin line between "wifing" and mothering, and it takes discernment to be able to stay on course. Having said this, there's still a place of mothering and fathering one's spouse occasionally just to "spoil" them. As they say, there's a child in every man and woman.
nope....
1.) how to identify a man child
2.) how do you know if you’re mature
3.) the proper way a woman should act in a relationship
Yes, One way of identifying a man child is they constantly try to escape accountability and responsibility. Another is they can't take criticism like they see that as an attack on them.
@jasmine pls do a video on these three topics, ive severely hurt my chances with someone bec of my lack of maturity and i only had romcoms and aunty culture tell me how to treat ur man, which completely ruined his feelings for me after dealing with it for a year... i dont wsnt to repeat the patterns. I'm trying but i keep feeling insecure that im not good enough bec even weeks of keeping up the good stance i break and burst out immaturely and act crazily
The Sissy boy brain washing my School teachers and absence from my mother leaving my body after this video. don't take this comment seriously 😬
Excellent points, delivery, and presentation.
Thank you kindly!
Jasmyne, this video is SO helpful. I didn’t even realize some of the things I’ve been doing is mothering!!! Thank you so much ❤
Great video!
There were some men I dated who were looking for a “mother”, & maybe it’s a coincidence, but I noticed they were the ones raised in day care & were also uninterested in doing the work to grow out of wanting to marry a mother.
I understand what you’re saying, that should not be the only dynamic of the relationship. However inside of each of us lives the child we used to be, many of whom went through a lot of traumatic instances. Being able to step into that role when your partner truly needs it can deeply strengthen your relationship and make them feel safe. My husband is an excellent provider, leader, husband and father. But there have been times when he needed to allow his emotions to run free, going through an extremely hard time in life, needed a shoulder to cry on, to be held and told it’s going to be okay. There is nothing wrong with stepping into that role on occasion in support of your spouse.
Yes the important thing is to not have a motherly essence towards your husband
Very solid, sound, and amazing advice this young woman is giving out. Great video 🙏🏾❤️
Thank you so much 🤗
Would be SUPER interesting for you to do a video on the opposite: "daddy issues" and "father wounds" :-)
🙌
Would LOVE to see her do this!
You've shared SO many great tips in this video- some I wasn't aware of, so I'm going to have to watch this TWICE! Your ministry and channel are such a blessing- thank you, Jasmyne xo
This is such great insight and advice! I constantly joke that I have two children, my child and my husband, and he does as well! I had never considered how that might actually be placing us in this bizarre "mother / child" relationship dynamic! that is definitely NOT what I want in my marriage.
Your explanation of the Peter Pan story is very profound. How many of us watched this cartoon as a child yet never conceptualised any pointers wht you mentioned....deep...very deep...Thank you so much for your insights
I've been praying for a video like this bc I am SO TIRED of nagging!! Thank you so much! This goes into lifelong practice starting now:)
Could you please tell more of these allegory stories like the Peter Pan one? I find them so fascinating, easy to remember and relate to certain situations in my life and what to look out for!
UA-cam suggested this video to me, I feel grateful for it, I was in a relationship where this dynamic of mother and son existed, I assumed the responsibility of healing my emotional wounds, I am working In being my best version and this helps me to be aware for my next relationship, thank you!
💯 my ex, 💯 our struggle, 💯 why I left the relationship even though I had so much love for him. Great video, thank you for spreading this awareness. Much needed today.
I didn’t want to mother my ex but he wouldn’t do chores, cook, take care of our pets, etc. I communicated often that he had to participate in heavy lifting in the relationship but he had too many issues and used his trauma as an excuse to play video games all day long. Broke up with his because of it
much needed advice! as an 18 year old girl i will be referring back to this video😁
Amazing advice! I have been noticing habits of mine like these and this video helped to show me more that I can be cautious of. Trusting my fiancé and soon to be husband has been the answer to most of it! ❤
Day 1 of asking Jasmyne to make a podcast 🥺❤️
I have never heard Peter Pan dissected like this - I am in awe! It makes total sense!
*likes video when the first ad hasn’t even ended*
Awwwww 💛💛💛 I appreciate you
Excellent and informative video. 💯
Beautiful video, eloquent and very sweet as always. Ive been guilty of this but learning and maturing, especially as my relationship to God has deeepened and I've come to rest in my feminine nature and true desires which aren't to mother a man, though I had those patterns from unhealthy upbringing. Thank you Jasmyne, blessings and love 🙏🤍🌹⛲
I love nurturing him not because I think he’s an overgrown boy. And no it’s not a constant thing. While my husband is very secure with himself and regulates his emotions well, at times when he’s under extreme stress I want to support him emotionally and by nurturing him a bit he feels supported and cared for…that’s my role as a helpmate. He has emotions too…God said it is not good for man to be alone. My attraction towards him hasn’t changed but increased. I respect my husband. I love that he needs me and he loves that I need him and yes he’s a fatherly figure to me as well more often because I’m a woman that needs a leader and security. I know men and women are different.
Huge difference between wifely and motherly nurturing
Awesome video! I think as Christians, it's better to use the term "mother wound" and "father wound" instead of "mommy/daddy issues." The fact is that we all carry wounds from our childhood because our hearts are made for perfect love, the kind of love that we can only receive from God, but we were raised by fallen/imperfect humans.
Even if you had great parents, everyone carries some mother/father wounds. We need to open those wounds up to the Lord in prayer and also open them up to our spouse in a mature way so that we can receive healing. Whereas, I think the term "mommy/daddy issues" really comes from the evil one who wants us to believe that we are unlovable because of our wounds and sins, and he wants us to hide them rather than receive healing.
I still completely agree that it's not correct to act like a mother towards a man with a mother wound; that's just replacing one unhealthy dynamic with another. However, I think a man and a woman should be able to open up their wounds to each other in a marriage and be received by each other with tenderness and compassion. I think that is truly how healing and sanctification happen in a marriage!
She’s orthodox not catholic
As a fellow christian here, thank you so much for this comment
My mom does most of these to my dad. It has brought so much clarity on the dysfunction of their relationship.
Honestly if a man needs this much help to step into a leadership role and needs a woman to encourage him to be a leader then he is not a leader. The strong and powerful men I have met just command authority naturally and you are automatically inclined to trust their judgement and follow their lead, they don't need permission from a woman to be a leader. In a way it is still placing the burden onto a woman's shoulders for hee to coax leadership out of him by stroking his ego.
It is so true that no one should not mother a man in a romantic relationship and this is a fantastic video with a wake-up call about not enabling man-children and not turning away mature masculines with controlling coddling. But neither should a man need a weak woman in order to feel powerful. Idk maybe it's just me.
Depends on your perspective. I’m Christian so I believe all human beings have a propensity to sin even in the most perfect of circumstances so that means that even if a man is passionately stepping up to the plate, a woman will probably still have the urge to usurp the position of authority by controlling him under the guise of mothering him
Such an important topic. Thank you for this beautiful video Jasmyne. 😊
Thank you for posting this!
My pleasure!
Jasmyne, your content has helped shape me and teach me to be the woman I am today. God bless you sister. Thank you so much 🤍
It’s like you read my soul with the Emotional Monitoring. Evidently I’m very guilty of tying to mother my husband. 😅 I truly appreciate this video and hope it helps me grow as a woman and as a wife.
Just to add from my own experience: mothering can lead to being taken for granted❤
I appreciate how you've discussed the ownace on the man as well.
oh nahh that comment was wild. mother/son dynamics in marriage 100% ruins relationships. I learned that in my early 20's lol
Thank you so so much ❤️
Wow I cannot tell you how grateful I am for this video!! It called out so many behaviors I have started to become aware of in myself. I haven’t known what to do instead but the suggestions you gave were so helpful! Think you could do a video specifically on how to “girlfriend/wife”?!
Ooh the one that got me the most is offering unsolicited advice. Mainly just for training our puppy. That’s super hard for me. I’m the dog trainer of the family, so people do need to mirror my actions when they train the dog as well, so I do give tips and advice a LOT. But is that bad? It’s very important for everyone to be on the same page for dog training or your dog won’t listen to them… hmmmmm and he rarely interacts with them in a training manner so it’s difficult to watch
Just turned on this video and yes! I saw these comments on UA-cam lately and had to explain the disrespect of saying your husband is a child or mothering him.
I am so glad I came across this channel before getting married, I never knew emotional monitoring is bad thing because thats hoe they show it in movies that a wife should know when something is slightly wrong with their husband, and thats how she shows she cares for him, also the motherly nature because women want to control husband, but the want to control someone lies in they being immature, hence peter pan. So real solution is not to marry one. THANKS Alot❤️
I love that interpretation of Peter Pan! I would never think about it.
I can't believe I'm just discovering your channel but I'm grateful I did.
I watched to the end with rapt attention and I love love love every point you made.
You've got a new fan! 😃
It annoys me so much when women joke about their husband being a child or a pet. I mean...what? lol
Wow Jasmyne! I enjoyed every bit of it. Your delivery is both interesting and informative at the same time! I also admire how very educated and enlightened you are on the current cultural dynamics and misconceptions
Big thank you as well!
Could you make a video on tips to vetting out undesirable characters in dating?
Also I would love to see your analysis of the story Peter Pan!!
Your chanel is a gem sis. Love it💜🙏
All of your content makes me feel so relaxed and educated after watching it😌
I wish I had this advice 10 years ago...would have saved so much heartache.
I healed my Feminine energy because of you. Thank you.
Very apt video for myself at this time, as this is something I can tend to do with my husband and I can also have a bite. He definitely pushes back on me and doesn’t just take it, which is good. Something I’m praying about for sure and just trying to learn how to relinquish that control or need for it. Thank you for the great video 🙏.
Wow this was eye opening for me. Refreshing and convicting. Something was feeling internally
In me and this video is helping me give language to what I’ve been trying to identify within myself. I’m excited to grow
I hear the "your husband is a big baby" thing, a lottt. Relieving knowing its not true
There are some men who are toxic and act like they were born yesterday
Yesssss, I'd love a breakdown of Peter Pan! Especially since the 2003 movie is the only Peter Pan movie I care about too😂🤩
This is video was so eye opening, I definitely have to come back and watch this again
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Thanks jasmyne your channel has been such a blessing ❤️
I dated a man child for a year- it was so much stress, but mothering him also hurt me. It made me carry burdens I was not responsible for.
Did you ever do the video on female friendships? Love your content, thank you!
Excellent as always!!!
I had to pause and go listen Clair de Luna because I love it so much lol now back to the video
This is truly hard to hear, married 5 years and guilty of all of it. Some of it feels like i should just ignore him and act like be doesnt exist lol. It feels like the urge to take control of the situation is a normal part of me, letting go is hard. Being married is hard 🤕😵
Men do not feel their best when women are taking care of them. Men thrive in masculine and women thrive in feminine roles. Both partners will never be valued enough from each other. I struggled with this in a past relationship. It wasn’t love…
Fabulous video & ooph, I needed these reminders/lessons ❤❤
I don’t like how you just chewed me up like this😅❤
😂😂💛
Basically you're talking about a Pookie, Ray Ray and Nook Nook. These are the type of men that a lot of ladies in our community find themselves procreating with and wondering why these men don't want to be responsible at the same time handling everything at the cost of their mental and Financial health . If you're from the suburbs a chad and Tyrone with the same scenario.
I desperately need help from you ladies out there. I’m relatively new to exploring femininity as I was raised by men, not mature ones at that, for most of my life. Unfortunately, my mom had to work all the time while my dad was a deadbeat, so I didn’t get to learn that much from her about being a woman. Currently, I’m in a situation where I’m newly married to a man that I love. He believes in God and is willing to grow in his faith, but I really wish he would take more initiative when it came to Bible study, prayer, etc. There was also a time where I was working full time while going to school, and he was only going to school and not working. This was extremely difficult for me because I have some physical and mental problems I’m trying to work through. Years of complex trauma and physical issues that were never addressed before (my dad wasn’t particularly nurturing and didn’t take me to the doctor) but anyways. That’s just a little backstory for y’all. The struggle I’m currently facing, besides those, is my husband’s cat. Since we’re both in school right now and won’t be in this area for very long, my mom is graciously letting us borrow her RV to live in. I told Juan before we moved in that if she started to tear things up (she completely ripped up ALL the furniture at the apt we were just stating in; couches, beds, screen door to the patio) she would have to leave. I have a lot of patience, but this is my moms place, and she doesn’t have much. I don’t wanna add anymore strife to her difficult life by returning her something that has a single blemish on it. She’s an artist and she will notice the smallest thing. He said he understood and agreed. For a while it was going okay, she was just annoying but nothing was messed up. Things then started getting out of hand. She has fleas so I asked that she not to be on the bed (I have O blood type and get targeted majorly by insects). He has absolutely no regard for that. “Her hiding spot” is my closet and my clothes are covered in fur. He won’t even let my close the closet door so she doesn’t get in there, he’ll immediately open it if I do. She’s on the bed all the time. I don’t like her to be on the table and counters, animals are not people and I don’t think they belong on tables and counters. He has no respect for that either, he gets upset and annoyed when I remove her. She has also begun to scratch things up. He was going to take her back a few days ago but changed his mind in a few hours. I ended up spending 70$ on her flea collar that day because he said to and we don’t have a lot of money right now. I’m trying my best to be obedient and a good wife, but this is taking it’s toll. I feel like I’m second place to an animal, which is absolutely ridiculous. I’ve been doing so much work with God lately about renewing my soul and becoming more like Jesus, but I’m not nearly enough like Him to know how to properly handle this. I could really use some wisdom from you all.
I also want to note that it’s not he doesn’t love me or anything like that. He’s in the process of getting a job right now and worked since he was very young. He worked overtime consistently throughout his older teenage years. I think that’s part of the reason why he was enjoying his little hiatus. He’s fully capable of taking care of me, he’s the one that got the water and everything set up for the RV, he made the calls to get our spot and organized towing it here. I know he loves me a lot and will do what needs to be done, but I struggle with the fact that he doesn’t seem to respect me, as previously explained. I’m anxious around him when completing tasks because I’m so ready for him to attack me for any mistakes. He doesn’t do it out of hate, but he gets frustrated a lot and it really stresses me out bc of the trauma I faced in childhood. At the same time he’s very forgiving, so that’s nice. Idk tbh I might just be overreacting.
(Sorry if that was a train wreck to read. I’m usually a decent writer but I have a lot on my mind and needed to get those things off my chest)
If you read all that, thank you lol. If you have any advice please let me know. God bless :)
It seems you will have to have a serious talk with him about that cat. If he can't respect your wishes in this small matter, then it will only get worse later on. Be firm. Did you know he was like this with cats? That cat needs to be trained. Perhaps encourage him to train the cat. You should not have to be anxious and fear making mistakes around your husband. If he reprimands you in a way that is not pleasing, let him know. What you allow is what will continue. All the best.
With cats, you have to learn to work with their nature and not against it. The cat might even be scratching more because you are stressing it out doing things like kicking it out of a hiding spot.
If it wants to scratch, provide scratching posts and put plastic covers or clear tape over things you don’t want scratched at least until it becomes the cat’s habit to go for the scratching post instead. Don’t kick it out of a hiding spot unless it has somewhere else to hide. I know RVs are small but I’m sure there must be some creative solution to give the cat a nice spot to hide.
I doubt your husband thinks he is disrespecting you, but rather sees it as looking out for something that is completely dependent on him for its well-being. That’s being responsible. Maybe where the cats needs and your needs are in conflict, present to him as a problem for him to solve.
I’m sure you can find ways to keep the cat away from certain spots you feel strongly about it, but it might not be realistic to limit its movement as much as you want when it’s already in a small space.
@@brittybee6615 thank you for your advice! The cat does have places to hide, there’s a whole room with 2 bunks that we reserved for her, it even has a curtain for some privacy if she needs it, there’s 2 windows for each of the bunks and I opened both for her to look out of, there’s also a space underneath behind a cushion we don’t use that she likes to go to. Her little box is there as well and we have a cat tree with a scratching post that we positioned there for her to high up and still in the main area, because I know cats are social animals. The tree also gives her a way to get to the top bunk, which she likes. On top of that we keep one of the windows open, which isn’t great for me because I get eaten alive by bugs and it makes it hot in the RV (we live in Texas), but I allow it because when they lived at her parents house, she had an open window to go in and out as she pleased.
We have since brought her back to his parents house, we go every weekend and we’re only staying here for a couple more months, so it’s not too bad of a separation. She’s also well taken care of there, the whole family looks out for her, makes sure she’s fed and her little box is clean. One thing that kind of bothers me tho, although it’s not my issue and it doesn’t do any good to worry about it, is his attitude toward the other cat. He has two, Coral (the one that was with us), is his second cat and Luna is the first. Luna has some respiratory problems and he has known this for a while, since before he got Coral. The cat is still young, only 4 years old, but he looks sick and is very skinny. There’s not a high chance someone else will adopt him, and he deserves to live his life full of love, especially if he might not have much longer. However, he wants to get rid of Luna just because coral is staying there now, even tho he doesn’t bother her at all. It’s coral that instigates from time to time. Luna would have nowhere to go, and because I do have such a soft spot for animals, I’m trying to convince him to let him spend his last year or so in peace, in the loving home he spent all his life in. The whole situation makes me think that maybe his infatuation is with Coral specifically and it’s not just that he’s trying to be a good owner. It seems a little concerning to me, and his family all thinks it’s pretty messed up as well. I’m sure he probably has the same infatuation with Luna when he first got him, but I’m starting to think that maybe he just got Coral to detach from him, or because he wanted a new healthy, cute cat. When we’re there at the house, he does all the things to him that he would get mad at me for if I did them to coral. While we were there with both cats, he was constantly scruffing Luna and throwing him outside, supposedly because he would eat out of corals bowl and could make her sick, but he wouldn’t do anything about coral eating out of Luna’s bowl. Multiple times, he took Luna out of the house when he wasn’t doing anything at all, just minding his own business like he also has does, not even near coral. I’m also wondering why he would get another kitten at all if he knew he had to take care of Luna, and when he came up here for school, he took coral and left Luna. It honestly makes me sad because he won’t even pet him, even when he asks for attention (which is rarely, now he doesn’t do it at all because every time Juan touches him it’s just to scruff him and throw him out). Luna spent the whole weekend following me around because I’m the only one that gives him love, he even laid on my chest and cuddled with me, which he apparently never does with anyone, except maybe juan when he first got him.
To be honest, I could be reading too much into it, and it’s really not my problem to begin with, but it doesn’t sit right with me. Idk, what do you think?
@@aliciasandy2042 thank you for the advice, I did talk with him and although he got upset and said some hurtful things, we did take the car back to his parents house. She’s well lived there and it’s only for a couple months until we move out of the RV.
@@HonuTheDisciple Awesome! That's a good start. Don't let the hurtful things slide. If you notice it is becoming a habit when y'all disagree, 'nip it in the bud' immediately. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
Such an interesting video! I only wish there were chapters :)
Shoot! Need to add them!
I friiiicking love your channel, you teach me good stuff miss❤
You're so philosophical 👏🏾❤️