Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
Treating others with presence and gratitude while they are with them. When I am living with fear of abandonment I am so preoccupied about the future so we are unable to be present. Heidi. You are God's channel
"people with healthy attachments know that everyone in their life will abandon them at some point..." Damn, that hits hard. The idea that I am not crazy for having the intuition that this is inevitable, but that the dysfunction is the inordinate attempt to prevent it from coming to pass, is so paradigm-shifting, I don't think I can even process the rest of the video right now.
"the dysfunction is the inordinate attempt to prevent it from coming to pass" OH boy now THAT hits hard for me.. Just shows that pretty much all of our dysfunctional patterns revolve around unhealthy avoidance of reality, and most growth occurs through acceptance of it.
It is why so many choose not to fully love each other and focus on self, and use all their energy to stay safe from the hurts of love. No one can hurt you deeper than a loved one, the flip side is in a healthy relationship they also add that much joy. There companions. Doesn’t have to be taken personal, we are humans trying to figure this out. We’re going make mistakes hopefully we’re just going to learn from them and grow a strong foundation. Excessive fears and non reality expectations prevent this from happening properly.
My fear of abandonment is so strong that I'll only be someone's friend unless I'm absolutely positively sure that they'll accept me. And even then if I just get the slightest signal that they don't like me then I'll abandon them before they have the chance to abandon me that way I don't have to deal with the pain of being rejected
I’ve healed more from watching your videos than any therapy I’ve attended. You may never know how much you’ve helped me on my journey to healing, but I hope you know how much gratitude I have. A million thank yous!
Holy fuck I'm so fucking sad rn but this is exactly the prophecy I've been spinning in my head since the end of high school, I'm turning 27 very soon and this idea has made it hard to get friends and even harder to get girlfriends out of fear of not being good enough due to a large lack of experience in that aspect especially, and then being abandoned...or even worse betrayed in some way. Has literally made me self sabotage and or not even try in any relationships and the loneliness is finally too crushing to just push aside anymore. Thank you so much for these videos as they are giving me hope that I can start to maybe change and fulfill that lack of friendships and relationships that I've always been having.
I’m genuinely absolutely heartbroken, my fear of abandonment caused a rupture in one of the most incredible connections I’ve had with an amazing man (who was securely attached) and drove him away until he broke it off, it literally became a self fulfilling prophecy and I feel like I will never get over this but these videos are so powerful in bringing awareness to our behaviour and being able to address patterns that have always led our lives
My unresolved trauma also drove an amazing partner out of my life. I’m now several months out from it, and I am grateful to finally be awake to everything I needed to work on. But I would still throw away all my growth just for a second chance with her.
That's it exactly. The inability to self-soothe. So then in stressful situations I tend to cast my partner into a parental role and that messes up the relationship/attraction dynamic which in turn leads to my abandonment. It also doesn't help that I'm aware of this and feel some sort of shame about it, due to its infantile nature. It's a vicious circle, but thankfully the solution seems to be very straightforward, even crudely simple. I just need to call this fact to my mind the next time I'm in a situation like that again.
I did my capstone project on attachment style. I've learned soooo much about my abandonment issues from my childhood. I really was looking for any and everything in my environment that would look like abandonment. I would even think my wife being nice to another man was a sign of abandonment. I have to consciously be aware of this at all times because I can easily go back to that abandoned inner child.
Maybe the severity of one's abandonment fear-reaction/arousal/activation also has to do with our life situation and health as qa whole though. If we lack blood supply to the Heart f ex, we are bound to feel worried and insecure. And if the spine portion steering anxiety and depression has issues, one is also bound to experience unsafety, depression, fear, or worry, sensitivity and fragility (=needing the protective film of another's soul substance + warmth nearby) .You are right Mr, because at that moment your wife is being nice to an other man, she has him, not you, as her focus of attention. I prayed for you, asking Creator to hold, keep, protect, love and guide you at all times on your path. Please embrace and be with yourself.
Your way of presenting/talking has advanced beautifully. There seems to be much more presence and warmth to it, and you are talking at a slower pace which is great. The key aspects are delivered even better like that. Abandonment: in my experience, having empathy towards the person who abandons is a great tool. It does not require overseeing poor behavior, and allows at the same time to relax and not take it personally. As said by you in other words, this can happen if we are (can be) really there for ourselves which means we don't abandon ourselves in the first place. The point of view of feeling abandoned comes only up if we fall back into a child like state, forgetting that we are actually resourceful adults.
3:12 im so glad i realized this during the relationship so i expressed gratitude to that person (who recently ended up breaking up with me). i just realized that it is not forever so i must appreciate the person and our relationship. i had a fear of abandonment but one day after being anxious on why they dont reply fast to a message i looked in the mirror and saw a mature tall guy (im 17) and realized that im not a child lol. it is ok if they leave. however how they do it is a whole another story still processing everything that happened tho
Heidi I just came here to say that lately it’s been really bittersweet that I’ve been skipping your videos! The titles just don’t resonate with me anymore and I don’t feel the need to watch. Of course this isn’t the greatest news for you, so I’ve been putting the videos on mute in separate screens to support the channel. But basically, THANK YOU! :D You, amongst others, have really helped me reach this point of inner security.
My highest career aspiration is to contribute, with everything I have, to the emergence of a world where my entire video library becomes irrelevant and obsolete. Which is to say, I *loved* this comment and it *is* the greatest news for me. Reminds me of one of my favorite quote adaptations: “When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will Disappear.” Tao Te Ching
@14:00 This is the second time my experience really goes down a different path than yours. You talk about basically getting angry at the other person for taking away not only the friendship, but whatever feeling they filled in you that you needed. I really don't recognize the blaming of the other. It is always always(!) myself I blame. They left and took their love with them, of course they did, just look at you, who could stand being around you anyway!? etc.
@@vdl3984 : The crisis-point where change can happen. Sweet spot means the point where the work of changing inwardly is being done by us and starts to give healing result. Right, Heidi?
@@Medietos I was joking... I guess the real one would be acting differently when triggered. You choose to respond differently despite the triggers so you can learn the new and healthier behaviour.
15:26 My only problem is that I feel like I'm always in crisis and I don't have the energy, will or determination to show up for myself every waking moment of the day.
That was me until I changed psychologists, started doing schema based and inner child therapy and joined ACA and started working the steps. Oh and of course, listened to the Adult Child podcast and watched Heidi's videos! Thankyou Heidi
What an excellent and insightful presentation of abandonment that doesn't pathologize and make an individual feel bad about oneself, put down, judged, weak or helpless or hopeless, but rather, that we are formed and affected by ruptures in security and Real fears from de- fragmented parts of our child selves that we Are Able to Have Agency over and get our power back that we gave up. I also appreciate you showing how it affects outcomes in a way that hurts ourselves further and the bonds that we desire by explaining what is driving this cycle and what the patterns are rooted and how we are inadvertently pushing away the very thing we yearn, that is : closeness and understanding. Thankyou!
Heidi your videos are ridiculously truthful and helpful. Sometimes it feels weird to know some people are just born with these abandonment regulation skills, but it's also it's own journey and quest to overcome them and I feel prouder each day for how far I've come
Heidi seems to know exactly what m going through, its like im getting 10 therapy sessions by watching one of her videos. Heidi you are truly priceless! ❤
You are the best relationship psychology UA-camr I know. I feel that this video focuses on theory and structure rather than action though. Can you offer a follow-up to this video to offer some techniques and practices to bring ourselves into deeper wholeness with ourselves?
Listening to you, I’ve realized I actually got a lot more secure over many courses of my previous relationships and learned how to regulate myself. I just started a new relationship with someone and was only remembering the past version of me and almost gaslighted myself that I’m not better. Just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that I have indeed been transforming to a healthier direction and your video validates that. Thank you, Heidi and thank you, myself.
Thank you for this video. Listening to it made me realize that while I can be an incredibly attentive and caring partner, I do still have an inner fear of abandonment and I've never really learned how to sit with excruciating emotions. I've always desired a passionate, long-term relationship to feel whole because I've always felt broken or without. I can imagine it may stem from losing a major parent early on and my remaining parent having her own journey around expressing affection, love, or even listening to me. There was a shortage of love growing up and I suffer, as an adult now, from that shortage. I'm unsure how to refill that shortage by myself. I also really fear sitting through excruciating feelings because I worry it'll kill me (I manage chronic depression and I worry if I go too far into feeling my feelings, I'll hit that pit of despair that seems endless and end myself). These are all thoughts I'll bring up with my therapist. This is a wonderful video. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing I am not the secure partner I thought I was. And that despite trying my hardest to break the cycles from my family, despite getting all my "physical" needs met as a child, I still have harm from my childhood. I will do my best to work through those, compassionately, although I am already scared. Thank you, Heidi.
A really tough recent breakup finally taught me that there is NOTHING (not one single, solitary thing) that I can do that will stop someone from abandoning me. I was so afraid of losing her that it did somewhat contribute to the end of our relationship (although ultimately I just don't think we were right for each other because of the ways in which she hurt me that went beyond abandonment). The pain is still fresh, but I think in the future, the fear of losing someone won't control me nearly as much as it did this time.
15:30 I always try very hard not to blame people for suddenly cutting me out of their lives specifically because I never want to hurt anyone else this way, and I feel like if anybody wants to leave relationship with me that should be okay and I want to be understanding of their circumstances and appreciate them looking after their own needs. The fact that the experience is terrible for me has nothing to do with them and is not their fault. The problem is that I get so caught up in these intellectualizations of how the whole situation is basically fine and for the best and the best way to handle it is to just try to move on and let the relationship go and maybe consider how I could have shown up for them better, I can't process the fact that I am still in agony over the relationship ending. It feels like because I know and remind myself that the feelings are not in line with reality and act accordingly they should then go away or be numbed somehow, but that never happens.
I know a video has struck my core issue when I have to watch it part by part several times because I start dissociating and the brain fog takes over. Then for some reason I can't understand or comprehend what's being said. It's so weird when this happens so I'll save this and come back to it again. Thanks for another great video 😊
Your videos are such a comfort to watch. They're so gently validating whilst also providing valuable insight on how to disrupt patterns of insecure behavior. So thankful I've found your content 🙏🏻❤️
i'm so grateful for your videos. for me, the loss of my first serious relationship actually gave me broken heart syndrome. i was in SO much pain. (for four years. first pain then numbness) it only ended when I started a new relationship (with a fearful avoidant *sigh*) and the relationship felt extremely insense. sadly we're fitting the point where my partner is pulling away (and after what happened last time, it feels like torture sometimes. for real). i am clinging onto your videos as a lifeline tho and am learning and improving every day.
Hi Heidi, thank you for starting your channel and your videos. It's a God Sent for me (or search engine optimized) :P But, in all honesty, most of what you said went over and above my head but I know I need to get this right and I'll be listening to it over and over again. My brain is fogged with all the trauma right now.
11:39 Insecure Love: Crazy big high. Helps you feel finally complete andwhole when other person comes in life. Because they fulfill our unmet emotional needs. Secure love: Mutual companionship and appreciation. Lost love: Secure : Feels like a loss of a connection. Insecure: Feels like loss of feeling wholeness. Intensely painful. Their absence reflects the sense of wholeness we didn't have before, but will not be realised by us. Solution: 20:08 Feel whole on your own. Show up for yourself.Self intimacy. INTIMACY IS NOT A SCARCE RESOURCE.
Hi I recently started watching your videos....and I am SOoo thankful for you and your videos. Omg thank you. I knew I had a deep fear of abandonment and rejection and I'm still not "fixed" but your videos are able to help me make more sense of it all and articulate it better. I know I have a long way to go and plenty of work to do but watching your videos are definitely a start. I struggle HARD with relationships. Platonic and non platonic. It's so hard and terrible. I'm not sure how to get my needs met In a relationship at all, even though in the past I've been very verbal about what I need but unfortunately I've grown up around and have had A LOT of toxic narcissistic people around me, including and especially my parents, family and siblings and "friends" growing up. It's hard to believe that there are good people out there who will treat me right or simply treat me how I would treat them (basic reciprocity). It seems VERY hard to come by... And now as an adult in my mid 30s, it seems like most people have their group of friends and it seems like most people are just toxic evil and narcissistic because that's literally all I've been exposed to all of my life. Im glad I found your channel but if I'm being honest, I feel completely hopeless, like Ill always have no friends, no significant other and no companionship throughout my life. I'm not sure how to help myself through this. Anyways,thanks for reading and thanks for all you do. I hope you have a wonderful life.❤🙂🌹
Im 43 years old man, i have 2 sons ans recently divorced, i did ok with my life until now, but now Im stucked in my life cant move forward, cant function, your videos have helped me massively to understand what is wrong with my, give me sooo much of hope, and belief, that i didnt have before. I can only thank you at the moment, but im sure there will be a day in my life i will pay you back in multiples. Thank you
I just want to say thank you, you have no idea how many times your videos have helped me through difficulties in life. thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.
In my most recent let down- I still had my anxious attachment traits within me but was able to act only upon the traits of a secure attachment. I learned that those other traits are more likely to result in pushing people away, so I was able to use self control. It didn't work, but that's ok. I dealt with deep anxiety, deep pain that was akin to grieving, but after she disappeared I didn't chase at all and that is a victory.
We even abandon ourselves at times. So I can't be there for myself all the time I can't expect that of others. There will be small abandonment and large ones too. That's reality and why we need to be mindful in the present. A car accident tomorrow could lead to abandonment through death, letting anxiety keep you future problems just means missing out on the now and the now is all that exists.
It's interesting how everyone can probably relate to this to some varying degree as the person who fears abandonment and also as the person on the recipient of those fear reactions. All I can think to do is just be as understanding.
I'm watching this as I'm experiencing that fear in real time. I'm trying to allow for the possibility of envisioning myself as happy and things working out and it's terrifying, but it's only recently that I started considering that the fear isn't an apt response to the feeling of potential happiness in the horizon.
i stayed with somebody for 5 years knowing from day one the relationship wasn't good for me. And then I (subconsciously) engineered my way out. Since the person abandoned me one year ago, I am still suffering daily from it. but i see my role in all of this rather than only feel like a victim.
Wow, this is an amazing explanation of why, no matter how well I understand the other person’s perspective, I cannot forgive the behavior of abandoning me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot trust that person again and cannot be truly close to that person again. This may give me a chance to finally let go that hindering resentment and set myself free 😅
Because our reality is subjective, our beliefs often caused self-fulfilling prophecies that quite literally shapes the world around us. If we believe something to be true, we will acknowledge experiences that confirm that more than experiences that question. It is in this way that the world starts to form according to the belief, and the belief becomes stronger. This doesn’t mean that the belief is false, it just means that you’re zooming in on one particular part of the bigger picture. The bigger picture is so complex that no human can ever understand it, so the best we can do is zoom into the parts that makes sense to us.
Thanks for all you do Heidi. You have really helped me, and I love how relatable you are. I’m slowly working my way through my attachment difficulties stemming from being adopted as an infant. My adoptive parents were emotionally abusive so it was definitely a double whammy. Your attachment videos are so helpful in my therapy and my healing journey right now, I’m so appreciative of your work! ❤
This came at a poignant moment and the information is invaluable. Seeing the visualization helps draw out the places to interrupt the cycle based on where the sticking point comes up so u appreciate the graphics there as well.
That was so wonderful. I have been afraid of abandonment most of my adult life and this issue has never been explained so clearly like you did. Thank you so much Heidi! This channel is changing my emotional life.
Thank you for teaching me how to attune, communicate, build intimacy, differentiate, anchor within, and of presence and curiosity. I didn’t realise I’d been thinking I was connecting to people while talking or listening but really I was dissociating the whole time. And this was making an autoimmune fibromyalgic disease worse. This is about the 4 video of yours I’ve watched in 3 weeks. Honestly, thank you so so much. Your work is unlike any other I’ve come across. Being an anxious aslightly avoidant attached, I had come to the conclusion that I wasn’t meant to be with my secure but slightly avoidant partner who is truly loving. I’ve avoided attachment theory cos of the stigmatisation and villainising insecure attachments with no real strong explanation of how to improve. You mix Eckhart tolles presence and explain his work better than I’ve ever seen before and for that im not leaving my relationship and going back into hopelessness of not being able to have a relationship and throwing my life plans out.
Wow. This makes so much sense. Thank you for helping me understand what I’ve been going through so I can overcome it. So grateful I found your videos. God bless you Heidi.🙏🏾
It’s so exciting to get your notifications. I’m just so sad I didn’t see your videos 6 months ago… they’d make a big difference in my past relationship. It is never too late so learning and trusting the process.
It’s so strange… I had a fight with someone close to me recently… who I have relied on for this type of regulation. And out of nowhere, before I ever saw this video, the thought popped into my head that “I don’t need her to be me/safe/ok.” And I couldn’t figure out why instantly I felt better… but now I get it… what a strange coincidence…
Wow. Thank you so much for this lesson. I realized my some stuff about myself that I for some reason wasn’t exactly able to process it correctly. And you’ve helped me to see that. The good thing is that I’ve been kind of redoing myself and this these areas, which makes me feel good that I’ve stumbled across how to kind of work out side of the loop. But also gave me some more understanding of what was going on. Thank you so much for your effort here on your channel. I’ve only recently discovered you and I’ve enjoyed it very much. You’re the bomb.
Exactly my dating cycle when guys pull away. I definitely see how I personalize the separation instead of focusing on myself. As I continue to heal my anxious attachment this video definitely summarizes how I've relied on my relationships for wholeness and how someones separation triggered me. I'm learning so much from these videos and looking forward to healing and become more emotionally regulated and secure in my relationships.
coming from the space of resource, not desperation... 🙏🏾 also an eye-opening realization that what's expected in good enough parenting is mentorship and wholeness. been blessed with mentorship outside of my caregivers yet struggle with wholeness. having awareness and language for this is powerful - thank you!
Thanks for a great channel Heidi. I've learnt more in the month I've been watching your channel than years of therapy! Can you talk more about needs please? I'm guessing you mean more than Maslow's pyramind of needs? Also, do you have any information (or suggestions) on attachment theory in the workplace?
Thank you for sharing your insights, and research of topics, in such a useful and practical way. I take notes of aspects that are particularly relevent for my growth, and read these again to boost my confidence and awareness of healing growth. I think there is another puzzle piece, which is grief. If I have to do this work of acknowledging the abandonment, fear/panic, and under developed skill level for mature self actualization, and healthy survival, I also have to GRIEVE the unavailable parent/caregivers/tribal nation/ etc., the absence of their presence in my wholeness. We are composite introjects, inter related, inter dependent beings. "We inter are," Thich Nhat Hahn. Thank you for your generous & healing spirit!
It makes perfect sense that having an innate sense of wholeness would allow a person to handle both connection and abandonment with relative equanimity (feeling pain but not overwhelmed by it). Where I'm getting a little stuck is that, as an avoidantly attached person, that sounds a little too much like my instinctive response to any rupture of: "it's fine, I didn't need them anyway!" Obviously those are not the same thing but I would really, really love a video that goes into the difference, and how avoidantly attached people can develop an innate sense that we can withstand the loss and rejection of others without having to diminish or trivilaize those connections in order to do so.
This was really helpful. I am working through my negative core belief that I inherited from my mother about no one "caring" for me. My friends are kind, patient people that try to show me that and I am lucky for it. It's not always easy, and I don't always believe it, but I try to remind myself of all the times they were there. Words mean so much to me as well.
This is amazing! This perspective shift has helped me soo much already and I’m soo much more in the moment and grateful for those passing shared moments ❤️🙏
I felt my mother was present in several XC Ski marathons. I also feel that nuch of her wisdom was passed on to my daughter who has the same nema but never met her grandmother. Your videos are great.
Whoa this is unreal, just an incredible 26 minutes of making sense of my whole entire life. I will come back to this over and over. My question is, how do we go about working on developing a sense of self wholeness if we've gone decades convincing ourselves tbat wholeness is out there?
Excellent presentation...and I moved through FOA exactly as described once relocated and had to make all new friends....and quit smoking, which allowed me to get more in touch with myself.
I wanted to leave a note for you. I have watched many of your videos and enjoyed all of them. Extremely thought provoking and real. This video was the one that gave me such a sense of calm and positive energy. Thank you for your time and energy with these videos. You have truly helped me. ❤
Thank you from the depths of my heart for this video. I have been working hard the past few months on my (paralysing) fear of abandonment but your video made it all so simple and clear. Will continue to self regulate and reparent myself. Thank you so much! If you ever have a possibility, I would love to hear you talk about we can reparent ourselves better :)
Personally, whether is based in fact, or not, I believe that I will reunite with all of my loved ones in the afterlife. The way I see it, we can’t ever really know what happens to us after we die, and that concept makes sense based on past experiences and makes me feel comfortable. I have rationalized that belief through a ton of mental gymnastics, but honestly, I’m willing to just trust in the universe and what my own soul has shown me instead of living my life in worry and fear. I’m secure where I am, and as long as I remain at least a little critical, I should be fine.
The best and most relevant video of yours I have watched to date!! It's precisely where I am at in my healing journey. Thank you so much for so selflessly sharing your insights, knowledge and wisdom!!
Heidi, this is one of the most profound ones for me, SO insightful ❤ I recognise and understand that there are very few well balanced mentors as we grow up, and so the holes in our sense of selfs passes on from ancestors to descendants.. with a few tweaks for the better hopefully. Is the next step then to identify your style of attachment and work on that..? It's such an intricate, delicate web of what lacks where and how to address it in between the awesomeness of the work that's been done already ✨
Heidi, you are a gem! Thank you for all your insight and the clear, concise and gentle delivery. I wish you a joyful and satisfying journey we call life!
This is a video I will need to watch a few times to really internalize it. Makes so much sense to me, but the fear of abandonment is so intense for me sometimes, I can’t see anything else. I’m working on developing my sense of wholeness…. So hard.
Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
Thanks for this. I had this regarding another platform I follow. I appreciate your warning !
Scary stuff... It's a shame how some people prey on those who need this sort of programming on the UA-cam...
Does it make a difference if someone was abandoned vs kicked out.
I was abandoned. I imagine it might be different.
Treating others with presence and gratitude while they are with them. When I am living with fear of abandonment I am so preoccupied about the future so we are unable to be present. Heidi. You are God's channel
"people with healthy attachments know that everyone in their life will abandon them at some point..." Damn, that hits hard. The idea that I am not crazy for having the intuition that this is inevitable, but that the dysfunction is the inordinate attempt to prevent it from coming to pass, is so paradigm-shifting, I don't think I can even process the rest of the video right now.
"the dysfunction is the inordinate attempt to prevent it from coming to pass"
OH boy now THAT hits hard for me.. Just shows that pretty much all of our dysfunctional patterns revolve around unhealthy avoidance of reality, and most growth occurs through acceptance of it.
Sameeeee 😭
yes yes yes yes. it’s in a way validating to know this expectation is healthy😅
It is why so many choose not to fully love each other and focus on self, and use all their energy to stay safe from the hurts of love. No one can hurt you deeper than a loved one, the flip side is in a healthy relationship they also add that much joy. There companions. Doesn’t have to be taken personal, we are humans trying to figure this out. We’re going make mistakes hopefully we’re just going to learn from them and grow a strong foundation. Excessive fears and non reality expectations prevent this from happening properly.
My fear of abandonment is so strong that I'll only be someone's friend unless I'm absolutely positively sure that they'll accept me. And even then if I just get the slightest signal that they don't like me then I'll abandon them before they have the chance to abandon me that way I don't have to deal with the pain of being rejected
I thought everyone did that
Geez. You just described how i deal with people
@@walkerhumphrey181 I THOUGHT EVERYONE DID THAT (2)
Can totally relate.
This is me to a T.
I’ve healed more from watching your videos than any therapy I’ve attended. You may never know how much you’ve helped me on my journey to healing, but I hope you know how much gratitude I have. A million thank yous!
You are a national treasure. Thank you for all that you do.
Holy fuck I'm so fucking sad rn but this is exactly the prophecy I've been spinning in my head since the end of high school, I'm turning 27 very soon and this idea has made it hard to get friends and even harder to get girlfriends out of fear of not being good enough due to a large lack of experience in that aspect especially, and then being abandoned...or even worse betrayed in some way. Has literally made me self sabotage and or not even try in any relationships and the loneliness is finally too crushing to just push aside anymore. Thank you so much for these videos as they are giving me hope that I can start to maybe change and fulfill that lack of friendships and relationships that I've always been having.
Brother, we are made of strong stuff. Keep healing and taking care of that sweet little boy inside yourself 🤍
I am exactly where you are man, 27 as well. Just keep pushing.
I’m genuinely absolutely heartbroken, my fear of abandonment caused a rupture in one of the most incredible connections I’ve had with an amazing man (who was securely attached) and drove him away until he broke it off, it literally became a self fulfilling prophecy and I feel like I will never get over this but these videos are so powerful in bringing awareness to our behaviour and being able to address patterns that have always led our lives
Same here and I'm completely shattered 😢😢
This has recently happened to me.
My unresolved trauma also drove an amazing partner out of my life. I’m now several months out from it, and I am grateful to finally be awake to everything I needed to work on. But I would still throw away all my growth just for a second chance with her.
@@CTHD13 why not trying to reconnect? You have also worked on yourself, so you can show that you have done the work and see if you two can try again
That's it exactly. The inability to self-soothe. So then in stressful situations I tend to cast my partner into a parental role and that messes up the relationship/attraction dynamic which in turn leads to my abandonment. It also doesn't help that I'm aware of this and feel some sort of shame about it, due to its infantile nature. It's a vicious circle, but thankfully the solution seems to be very straightforward, even crudely simple. I just need to call this fact to my mind the next time I'm in a situation like that again.
I did my capstone project on attachment style. I've learned soooo much about my abandonment issues from my childhood. I really was looking for any and everything in my environment that would look like abandonment. I would even think my wife being nice to another man was a sign of abandonment. I have to consciously be aware of this at all times because I can easily go back to that abandoned inner child.
Maybe the severity of one's abandonment fear-reaction/arousal/activation also has to do with our life situation and health as qa whole though. If we lack blood supply to the Heart f ex, we are bound to feel worried and insecure. And if the spine portion steering anxiety and depression has issues, one is also bound to experience unsafety, depression, fear, or worry, sensitivity and fragility (=needing the protective film of another's soul substance + warmth nearby) .You are right Mr, because at that moment your wife is being nice to an other man, she has him, not you, as her focus of attention. I prayed for you, asking Creator to hold, keep, protect, love and guide you at all times on your path. Please embrace and be with yourself.
You have no idea how your videos are pulling me through a dark place. So thankful. You rock. ❤
I can agree on that, hope you are doing ok
Realising after a breakup that I’ve earned secure attachment thanks to 3 years of your videos and the personal development school ❤️
Wow. You're a source of strength for me, I'm in my day 3 after my breakup and I self fulfilled this prophecy
Thanks
Your way of presenting/talking has advanced beautifully. There seems to be much more presence and warmth to it, and you are talking at a slower pace which is great. The key aspects are delivered even better like that.
Abandonment: in my experience, having empathy towards the person who abandons is a great tool. It does not require overseeing poor behavior, and allows at the same time to relax and not take it personally. As said by you in other words, this can happen if we are (can be) really there for ourselves which means we don't abandon ourselves in the first place. The point of view of feeling abandoned comes only up if we fall back into a child like state, forgetting that we are actually resourceful adults.
Powerful stuff sir, thank you
3:12
im so glad i realized this during the relationship so i expressed gratitude to that person (who recently ended up breaking up with me). i just realized that it is not forever so i must appreciate the person and our relationship. i had a fear of abandonment but one day after being anxious on why they dont reply fast to a message i looked in the mirror and saw a mature tall guy (im 17) and realized that im not a child lol. it is ok if they leave. however how they do it is a whole another story
still processing everything that happened tho
Heidi I just came here to say that lately it’s been really bittersweet that I’ve been skipping your videos! The titles just don’t resonate with me anymore and I don’t feel the need to watch.
Of course this isn’t the greatest news for you, so I’ve been putting the videos on mute in separate screens to support the channel. But basically, THANK YOU! :D You, amongst others, have really helped me reach this point of inner security.
My highest career aspiration is to contribute, with everything I have, to the emergence of a world where my entire video library becomes irrelevant and obsolete.
Which is to say, I *loved* this comment and it *is* the greatest news for me. Reminds me of one of my favorite quote adaptations:
“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will Disappear.”
Tao Te Ching
@@heidipriebe1 🫶🫶🫶 you’re doing an incredible job
@14:00 This is the second time my experience really goes down a different path than yours. You talk about basically getting angry at the other person for taking away not only the friendship, but whatever feeling they filled in you that you needed.
I really don't recognize the blaming of the other. It is always always(!) myself I blame. They left and took their love with them, of course they did, just look at you, who could stand being around you anyway!? etc.
I live with the fear of both entrapment and abandonment 🤣
That's the sweet spot!
@@vdl3984 : The crisis-point where change can happen. Sweet spot means the point where the work of changing inwardly is being done by us and starts to give healing result. Right, Heidi?
@@Medietos I was joking... I guess the real one would be acting differently when triggered. You choose to respond differently despite the triggers so you can learn the new and healthier behaviour.
Sounds like you have a fearful avoidant attachment style
Entrapment is very overlooked I think
"There is no way to personal develop our way--" Dude, you are hitting me hard. I am working like crazy to achieve goals that are just... Futile.
15:26 My only problem is that I feel like I'm always in crisis and I don't have the energy, will or determination to show up for myself every waking moment of the day.
That was me until I changed psychologists, started doing schema based and inner child therapy and joined ACA and started working the steps. Oh and of course, listened to the Adult Child podcast and watched Heidi's videos! Thankyou Heidi
I love the Adult Child Podcast and I love ACA! ❤
@@cocacorn810Andrea is the BEST! The whole reason I got into ACA
I also found ACA to be more helpful than psych counselling.
Yes!
Thanks, I needed some tips and advice on where to go next with my "issues" ❤
You always impress me with how much clarity and order you bring to my dark, swirling ruminations. And your empathy is inspirational. Thank you.😮
What an excellent and insightful presentation of abandonment that doesn't pathologize and make an individual feel bad about oneself, put down, judged, weak or helpless or hopeless, but rather, that we are formed and affected by ruptures in security and Real fears from de- fragmented parts of our child selves that we Are Able to Have Agency over and get our power back that we gave up. I also appreciate you showing how it affects outcomes in a way that hurts ourselves further and the bonds that we desire by explaining what is driving this cycle and what the patterns are rooted and how we are inadvertently pushing away the very thing we yearn, that is : closeness and understanding. Thankyou!
Heidi your videos are ridiculously truthful and helpful. Sometimes it feels weird to know some people are just born with these abandonment regulation skills, but it's also it's own journey and quest to overcome them and I feel prouder each day for how far I've come
Flexibility and adaptivess is the way to come out of any mental or emotional issue.
Heidi seems to know exactly what m going through, its like im getting 10 therapy sessions by watching one of her videos. Heidi you are truly priceless! ❤
Thanks, I'm long teem single but all of this still seemsv relevant
You are the best relationship psychology UA-camr I know. I feel that this video focuses on theory and structure rather than action though. Can you offer a follow-up to this video to offer some techniques and practices to bring ourselves into deeper wholeness with ourselves?
Listening to you, I’ve realized I actually got a lot more secure over many courses of my previous relationships and learned how to regulate myself. I just started a new relationship with someone and was only remembering the past version of me and almost gaslighted myself that I’m not better. Just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that I have indeed been transforming to a healthier direction and your video validates that. Thank you, Heidi and thank you, myself.
Thank you for this video. Listening to it made me realize that while I can be an incredibly attentive and caring partner, I do still have an inner fear of abandonment and I've never really learned how to sit with excruciating emotions. I've always desired a passionate, long-term relationship to feel whole because I've always felt broken or without. I can imagine it may stem from losing a major parent early on and my remaining parent having her own journey around expressing affection, love, or even listening to me. There was a shortage of love growing up and I suffer, as an adult now, from that shortage. I'm unsure how to refill that shortage by myself. I also really fear sitting through excruciating feelings because I worry it'll kill me (I manage chronic depression and I worry if I go too far into feeling my feelings, I'll hit that pit of despair that seems endless and end myself). These are all thoughts I'll bring up with my therapist. This is a wonderful video. It's a bit overwhelming, realizing I am not the secure partner I thought I was. And that despite trying my hardest to break the cycles from my family, despite getting all my "physical" needs met as a child, I still have harm from my childhood. I will do my best to work through those, compassionately, although I am already scared. Thank you, Heidi.
This is a masterclass, I learnt so much about self reliance and internalised security in all areas of life today. Kudos ❤
The articulation and clarity you bring is a gift. Thank you.
A really tough recent breakup finally taught me that there is NOTHING (not one single, solitary thing) that I can do that will stop someone from abandoning me. I was so afraid of losing her that it did somewhat contribute to the end of our relationship (although ultimately I just don't think we were right for each other because of the ways in which she hurt me that went beyond abandonment). The pain is still fresh, but I think in the future, the fear of losing someone won't control me nearly as much as it did this time.
15:30 I always try very hard not to blame people for suddenly cutting me out of their lives specifically because I never want to hurt anyone else this way, and I feel like if anybody wants to leave relationship with me that should be okay and I want to be understanding of their circumstances and appreciate them looking after their own needs. The fact that the experience is terrible for me has nothing to do with them and is not their fault. The problem is that I get so caught up in these intellectualizations of how the whole situation is basically fine and for the best and the best way to handle it is to just try to move on and let the relationship go and maybe consider how I could have shown up for them better, I can't process the fact that I am still in agony over the relationship ending. It feels like because I know and remind myself that the feelings are not in line with reality and act accordingly they should then go away or be numbed somehow, but that never happens.
You might watch Heidi’s video on intellectual bypassing.
Was super helpful having the secure attachment comparison.
“Their absence is just returning us to the state of fragmentation and lack of wholeness that was there before they came along.” 🤯
I know a video has struck my core issue when I have to watch it part by part several times because I start dissociating and the brain fog takes over. Then for some reason I can't understand or comprehend what's being said. It's so weird when this happens so I'll save this and come back to it again. Thanks for another great video 😊
Your videos are such a comfort to watch. They're so gently validating whilst also providing valuable insight on how to disrupt patterns of insecure behavior. So thankful I've found your content 🙏🏻❤️
i'm so grateful for your videos. for me, the loss of my first serious relationship actually gave me broken heart syndrome.
i was in SO much pain. (for four years. first pain then numbness) it only ended when I started a new relationship (with a fearful avoidant *sigh*) and the relationship felt extremely insense. sadly we're fitting the point where my partner is pulling away (and after what happened last time, it feels like torture sometimes. for real). i am clinging onto your videos as a lifeline tho and am learning and improving every day.
Heidi Priebe you literally just made me go from surviving to thriving . Thank you and i love you
Hi Heidi, thank you for starting your channel and your videos. It's a God Sent for me (or search engine optimized) :P
But, in all honesty, most of what you said went over and above my head but I know I need to get this right and I'll be listening to it over and over again. My brain is fogged with all the trauma right now.
How is your brain today?
11:39
Insecure Love: Crazy big high. Helps you feel finally complete andwhole when other person comes in life. Because they fulfill our unmet emotional needs.
Secure love: Mutual companionship and appreciation.
Lost love:
Secure : Feels like a loss of a connection.
Insecure: Feels like loss of feeling wholeness. Intensely painful. Their absence reflects the sense of wholeness we didn't have before, but will not be realised by us.
Solution:
20:08
Feel whole on your own. Show up for yourself.Self intimacy.
INTIMACY IS NOT A SCARCE RESOURCE.
Wow.
I really, really needed to hear this in 1992.
My life would have taken a very different turn.
the fear is that i will always be in this state of mind, thinking i cannot be connceted with others. both toxin and cure
Hi I recently started watching your videos....and I am SOoo thankful for you and your videos. Omg thank you.
I knew I had a deep fear of abandonment and rejection and I'm still not "fixed" but your videos are able to help me make more sense of it all and articulate it better. I know I have a long way to go and plenty of work to do but watching your videos are definitely a start.
I struggle HARD with relationships. Platonic and non platonic. It's so hard and terrible. I'm not sure how to get my needs met In a relationship at all, even though in the past I've been very verbal about what I need but unfortunately I've grown up around and have had A LOT of toxic narcissistic people around me, including and especially my parents, family and siblings and "friends" growing up.
It's hard to believe that there are good people out there who will treat me right or simply treat me how I would treat them (basic reciprocity). It seems VERY hard to come by... And now as an adult in my mid 30s, it seems like most people have their group of friends and it seems like most people are just toxic evil and narcissistic because that's literally all I've been exposed to all of my life.
Im glad I found your channel but if I'm being honest, I feel completely hopeless, like Ill always have no friends, no significant other and no companionship throughout my life. I'm not sure how to help myself through this.
Anyways,thanks for reading and thanks for all you do. I hope you have a wonderful life.❤🙂🌹
Damn, this speaks "loud and clear" to me, personally.
Im 43 years old man, i have 2 sons ans recently divorced, i did ok with my life until now, but now Im stucked in my life cant move forward, cant function, your videos have helped me massively to understand what is wrong with my, give me sooo much of hope, and belief, that i didnt have before. I can only thank you at the moment, but im sure there will be a day in my life i will pay you back in multiples. Thank you
I just want to say thank you, you have no idea how many times your videos have helped me through difficulties in life. thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.
In my most recent let down- I still had my anxious attachment traits within me but was able to act only upon the traits of a secure attachment. I learned that those other traits are more likely to result in pushing people away, so I was able to use self control. It didn't work, but that's ok. I dealt with deep anxiety, deep pain that was akin to grieving, but after she disappeared I didn't chase at all and that is a victory.
We even abandon ourselves at times. So I can't be there for myself all the time I can't expect that of others. There will be small abandonment and large ones too. That's reality and why we need to be mindful in the present. A car accident tomorrow could lead to abandonment through death, letting anxiety keep you future problems just means missing out on the now and the now is all that exists.
it is true but you should work towards not abandoning yourself, or you will break down your self-trust
It's interesting how everyone can probably relate to this to some varying degree as the person who fears abandonment and also as the person on the recipient of those fear reactions.
All I can think to do is just be as understanding.
I'm watching this as I'm experiencing that fear in real time. I'm trying to allow for the possibility of envisioning myself as happy and things working out and it's terrifying, but it's only recently that I started considering that the fear isn't an apt response to the feeling of potential happiness in the horizon.
i stayed with somebody for 5 years knowing from day one the relationship wasn't good for me. And then I (subconsciously) engineered my way out. Since the person abandoned me one year ago, I am still suffering daily from it. but i see my role in all of this rather than only feel like a victim.
Me too. Sigh 😔
Prophecy fulfilled here, and I watched myself do it. I worked on myself a lot and was doing so well.
Me too. Just three days and now I'm back here
U r the best... thanks a ton...with your lectures I am able to heal myself to a great extent....
Love from India
Wow, this is an amazing explanation of why, no matter how well I understand the other person’s perspective, I cannot forgive the behavior of abandoning me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot trust that person again and cannot be truly close to that person again. This may give me a chance to finally let go that hindering resentment and set myself free 😅
I was meditating on fear of abandonment this week. Thanks for the video, Heidi. Enjoy your weekend.
Because our reality is subjective, our beliefs often caused self-fulfilling prophecies that quite literally shapes the world around us. If we believe something to be true, we will acknowledge experiences that confirm that more than experiences that question. It is in this way that the world starts to form according to the belief, and the belief becomes stronger. This doesn’t mean that the belief is false, it just means that you’re zooming in on one particular part of the bigger picture. The bigger picture is so complex that no human can ever understand it, so the best we can do is zoom into the parts that makes sense to us.
Thanks for all you do Heidi. You have really helped me, and I love how relatable you are. I’m slowly working my way through my attachment difficulties stemming from being adopted as an infant. My adoptive parents were emotionally abusive so it was definitely a double whammy. Your attachment videos are so helpful in my therapy and my healing journey right now, I’m so appreciative of your work! ❤
This came at a poignant moment and the information is invaluable. Seeing the visualization helps draw out the places to interrupt the cycle based on where the sticking point comes up so u appreciate the graphics there as well.
You do not know how scared I was of watching this one Heide. Thank you for speaking the truth with gentleness. Priceless video.
That was so wonderful. I have been afraid of abandonment most of my adult life and this issue has never been explained so clearly like you did. Thank you so much Heidi! This channel is changing my emotional life.
Everyone needs a great friend or a companion. I hope there’s one more chance out there. Love the videos 😘
Best description of this i have ever seen
Thank you for teaching me how to attune, communicate, build intimacy, differentiate, anchor within, and of presence and curiosity. I didn’t realise I’d been thinking I was connecting to people while talking or listening but really I was dissociating the whole time. And this was making an autoimmune fibromyalgic disease worse.
This is about the 4 video of yours I’ve watched in 3 weeks. Honestly, thank you so so much. Your work is unlike any other I’ve come across. Being an anxious aslightly avoidant attached, I had come to the conclusion that I wasn’t meant to be with my secure but slightly avoidant partner who is truly loving. I’ve avoided attachment theory cos of the stigmatisation and villainising insecure attachments with no real strong explanation of how to improve. You mix Eckhart tolles presence and explain his work better than I’ve ever seen before and for that im not leaving my relationship and going back into hopelessness of not being able to have a relationship and throwing my life plans out.
Wow. This makes so much sense. Thank you for helping me understand what I’ve been going through so I can overcome it. So grateful I found your videos. God bless you Heidi.🙏🏾
Ohhhh Heidi, you've just explained the last 40yrs of my life. Good thing I've got my cat, who's an indoor-only cat, so can't leave me. 😂
❤❤
It’s so exciting to get your notifications. I’m just so sad I didn’t see your videos 6 months ago… they’d make a big difference in my past relationship. It is never too late so learning and trusting the process.
It’s so strange… I had a fight with someone close to me recently… who I have relied on for this type of regulation. And out of nowhere, before I ever saw this video, the thought popped into my head that “I don’t need her to be me/safe/ok.” And I couldn’t figure out why instantly I felt better… but now I get it… what a strange coincidence…
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ 😢
20:19 attachment theory styles summary 20:46
I watched this over 5 times, I really needed to hear this, thank you so much!!!
Wow. Thank you so much for this lesson. I realized my some stuff about myself that I for some reason wasn’t exactly able to process it correctly. And you’ve helped me to see that. The good thing is that I’ve been kind of redoing myself and this these areas, which makes me feel good that I’ve stumbled across how to kind of work out side of the loop. But also gave me some more understanding of what was going on. Thank you so much for your effort here on your channel. I’ve only recently discovered you and I’ve enjoyed it very much. You’re the bomb.
Exactly my dating cycle when guys pull away. I definitely see how I personalize the separation instead of focusing on myself. As I continue to heal my anxious attachment this video definitely summarizes how I've relied on my relationships for wholeness and how someones separation triggered me. I'm learning so much from these videos and looking forward to healing and become more emotionally regulated and secure in my relationships.
coming from the space of resource, not desperation... 🙏🏾
also an eye-opening realization that what's expected in good enough parenting is mentorship and wholeness. been blessed with mentorship outside of my caregivers yet struggle with wholeness. having awareness and language for this is powerful - thank you!
Thanks for a great channel Heidi. I've learnt more in the month I've been watching your channel than years of therapy! Can you talk more about needs please? I'm guessing you mean more than Maslow's pyramind of needs? Also, do you have any information (or suggestions) on attachment theory in the workplace?
Thank you for sharing your insights, and research of topics, in such a useful and practical way. I take notes of aspects that are particularly relevent for my growth, and read these again to boost my confidence and awareness of healing growth.
I think there is another puzzle piece, which is grief. If I have to do this work of acknowledging the abandonment, fear/panic, and under developed skill level for mature self actualization, and healthy survival, I also have to GRIEVE the unavailable parent/caregivers/tribal nation/ etc., the absence of their presence in my wholeness. We are composite introjects, inter related, inter dependent beings. "We inter are," Thich Nhat Hahn.
Thank you for your generous & healing spirit!
You have been such a safe space for me lately
It makes perfect sense that having an innate sense of wholeness would allow a person to handle both connection and abandonment with relative equanimity (feeling pain but not overwhelmed by it). Where I'm getting a little stuck is that, as an avoidantly attached person, that sounds a little too much like my instinctive response to any rupture of: "it's fine, I didn't need them anyway!" Obviously those are not the same thing but I would really, really love a video that goes into the difference, and how avoidantly attached people can develop an innate sense that we can withstand the loss and rejection of others without having to diminish or trivilaize those connections in order to do so.
I genuinely have so much love for you. Thank you for what you do. You truly truly give my brain so much hope.
This was really helpful. I am working through my negative core belief that I inherited from my mother about no one "caring" for me. My friends are kind, patient people that try to show me that and I am lucky for it. It's not always easy, and I don't always believe it, but I try to remind myself of all the times they were there. Words mean so much to me as well.
This is amazing! This perspective shift has helped me soo much already and I’m soo much more in the moment and grateful for those passing shared moments ❤️🙏
I felt my mother was present in several XC Ski marathons. I also feel that nuch of her wisdom was passed on to my daughter who has the same nema but never met her grandmother. Your videos are great.
You are changing so many lives for the better, thank you ❤
I was watching this for my friend but I think I learnt more about myself
Whoa this is unreal, just an incredible 26 minutes of making sense of my whole entire life. I will come back to this over and over. My question is, how do we go about working on developing a sense of self wholeness if we've gone decades convincing ourselves tbat wholeness is out there?
Excellent presentation...and I moved through FOA exactly as described once relocated and had to make all new friends....and quit smoking, which allowed me to get more in touch with myself.
I wanted to leave a note for you. I have watched many of your videos and enjoyed all of them. Extremely thought provoking and real. This video was the one that gave me such a sense of calm and positive energy. Thank you for your time and energy with these videos. You have truly helped me. ❤
You're a great woman with great advice
Thank you from the depths of my heart for this video. I have been working hard the past few months on my (paralysing) fear of abandonment but your video made it all so simple and clear. Will continue to self regulate and reparent myself. Thank you so much!
If you ever have a possibility, I would love to hear you talk about we can reparent ourselves better :)
less than 5 minutes in and that was a brilliant explanation already! What an incredible mind-hack - thank you Heidi!
Personally, whether is based in fact, or not, I believe that I will reunite with all of my loved ones in the afterlife. The way I see it, we can’t ever really know what happens to us after we die, and that concept makes sense based on past experiences and makes me feel comfortable. I have rationalized that belief through a ton of mental gymnastics, but honestly, I’m willing to just trust in the universe and what my own soul has shown me instead of living my life in worry and fear. I’m secure where I am, and as long as I remain at least a little critical, I should be fine.
The best and most relevant video of yours I have watched to date!! It's precisely where I am at in my healing journey. Thank you so much for so selflessly sharing your insights, knowledge and wisdom!!
Heidi, this is one of the most profound ones for me, SO insightful ❤ I recognise and understand that there are very few well balanced mentors as we grow up, and so the holes in our sense of selfs passes on from ancestors to descendants.. with a few tweaks for the better hopefully. Is the next step then to identify your style of attachment and work on that..? It's such an intricate, delicate web of what lacks where and how to address it in between the awesomeness of the work that's been done already ✨
Heidi, you are a gem! Thank you for all your insight and the clear, concise and gentle delivery. I wish you a joyful and satisfying journey we call life!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
Once again, your videos are right on time! Love your work Heidi, thanks for doing what you do. 🙏
Wow! This is mind blowing. Just what I needed to understand! Amazing! Thank you so much!
This is a video I will need to watch a few times to really internalize it. Makes so much sense to me, but the fear of abandonment is so intense for me sometimes, I can’t see anything else. I’m working on developing my sense of wholeness…. So hard.
This is GOLD! Thank you.
if I could like this video again I would - thanks a million Heidi x