My notes: 1) use description not reaction: what they did and what they should’ve done. 2) maintain a calm face, voice and body when correcting them or they will just feel like you are trying to manipulate them and not cooperate effectively. 3) know what you will say and do in response (not reaction) to their behavior. Appeal to their logic, not their emotions. 4)consistency. 5)be patient and keep practicing. Don’t take it personally. 6)have a plan for if the child’s tantrum escalates. (Rule of 3)
Wow this is great advice! I'm a Pre-K teacher and I've noticed that children at this age start to "argue" more and really want more independence- so I've had many strong willed students, especially this year! This is a helpful list that I will share with my classroom team. Thank you!!
Nicholeen you are so wise. Thank you so much for all your help. The more I listen to your videos, the more I am understanding my parenting patterns and what I need to fix, let go off and plan for me and my children. My anxiety has dramatically gone down and my kids too. We are not building our relationship on emotions anymore and we know what to expect and what to look forward to. Thank you so much ❤ I finally found so many answers through your teachings. Restoring hope and faith in me and my children.
Thanks for purring this together!! Very insightful! One thing stood out to me as a place to reconsider: In the example of the 4-step “just now” script, I noticed that there was the “you should have” part (of telling the kid “you should have dropped it). At least from my observations, when someone says “you should” it is inherently judgmental and includes an air of criticism. For those who value the relationship (such as yourself), I would encourage an alternate framing to “should.” In this example, maybe “I thought we were on the same page so when you did it anyway, I felt disrespected.” Maybe even add an additonal script with a layer of humility and love, such as “If you wanted to still do it and felt like like the conversation wasn’t resolved, I would have hoped that you would have told me that. Maybe we could have found an alternate solution where both of our needs were met.” This would help the kid know that they can dialogue and that their needs matter, while also communicating any vulnerable feelings of the parent. It also helps the kid know why it can hurt the relationship if they say “yes” and then do something else.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. However, this change you're proposing is taking the interaction from the logical into the emotional, which is what we try to stay away from. Emotions aren't bad and should be taken into consideration, but things can go awry when situations are processed through an emotional lens. Using this kind of language brings the emotional aspect of the situation in at a time when emotions are still high, which clouds logical judgement. I say the specific words that I do to help bring children back to "front brain," or helping them engage their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for problem solving and logical thinking. If I leave them in "back brain," or where the emotional center of the brain is, I'm doing them a disservice. It's possible to become a slave to our emotions, which is what I'm trying to help people avoid with Teaching Self-Government. I hope that cleared up why I use the wording I use in those crucial teaching moments of correcting behaviors. I also go into more detail on the ins and outs of the script in my online TSG Parenting Course. Feel free to look into it, if you're interested: teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/ Either way, TSG is meant to give you the structure and support to create a united home. You are welcome to adapt it to your family in any way that you feel is best.
Am going through the same, my four years old don't want to be corrected in school so she will throw herself on the floor and and start crying as if someone has done something to her, and she will also start hitting the toys, I really need help on how to handle this situation.
It sounds like everyone could use some skills! The Four Basic Skills to be exact. My daughter, Paije, uses these skills with her daughter, who is almost 2. But she's been using it since her daughter was 16-18 months old with great success. Although it seems like a lot of information for you, the implementation isn't very hard with younger children. They catch on super fast! Start by teaching them how to take deep breaths and use a calm down spot to positively trigger their mind to remind them to calm down. Then, help them learn the word, "okay." Tell them you're going to give them an instruction, tell them what it is, prompt them to say "okay", then do lots of descriptive praise when they do it ("Wow! You said 'okay' right away and you had such a calm voice! You went right away to do the instruction and you came right back. That was amazing!"). Here are a couple of videos showing Paije using some of the skills with Clara: ua-cam.com/video/x-QUNSXkUls/v-deo.html&pp=ygUTbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgYmFieQ%3D%3D ua-cam.com/video/tYYsYMcN9RA/v-deo.html&pp=ygUqbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgYmFieSBkaXNhZ3JlZSBhcHByb3ByaWF0ZWx5 I hope this helps!
Hi Nicholeen, watching your videos has been the best thing that I have ever done. .and implementing it at home with my 9 year old has been completely liberating. We are discovering a new dimension everyday and our relationship has also improved. .thank you so much.
I can not begin to tell you how I’m sharing your videos. I run an in home daycare. I talk to my parents and paths to quality leaders about you too. Trying to get you to come teach we daycare providers your ideas. Love you lady.
Wow! Thank you so much! The things I share and teach are definitely applicable to day care workers. If you can get enough people to come for an event, I'd be happy to talk with you about possibly setting something up.
My 8yo son is struggling at school. He’s presenting behavior of wanting to always be first, best, and right. He’s having issues with fairness. At home, he listens (for the most part) we rarely have arguments. I feel like his teacher thinks I’m lying when I say he doesn’t present that behavior at home. Help!
These seem to be issues that are becoming more and more widespread. When it comes to fairness, there really is no such thing. I go into much more depth on this topic in one of my podcasts, "Does Fairness Really Matter?" Here's a link to that podcast on my website: teachingselfgovernment.com/parenting-blog/podcast/podcast-75-does-fairness-matter/ As far as his desire to be first, best, and right, help him learn and understand the skill of Accepting a 'No' Answer, which is one of the Four Basic Skills that we teach everyone. When something doesn't go his way, it's like someone telling him "no." There are 4 steps to accepting a "no" answer. Here's a link to another video that goes through the steps for each of the Four Basic Skills. ua-cam.com/video/-P9CYN_RqFA/v-deo.html Hopefully this helps!
I'm so sorry to hear that! The best way I can offer guidance and support is through my Support Group or my courses and trainings. Here are some links that could be helpful: teachingselfgovernment.com/parenting-mastery/ teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/ teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
It sounds like your 9-year-old doesn't have a vision of why being kind is important. It could be that they also have seen examples of others be mean and not care or not be corrected. It could be helpful to talk with them about the benefits for them for being kind to their siblings (siblings are nicer in return, the 9yo gets more of what they want, etc) and set up a positive incentive to help them choose to change. This is just scratching the surface. I have so much more in my TSG Parenting Course that goes much more in depth. Here's the link to it: teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
Gotta say as a person with a PDA profile, this unemotional approach isn't always useful for me. Using logic for this instead of focusing on feelings would not go well. I found that there's such a thing as *emotional truth* that runs alongside other logical truths that I need to see also. Being truthful about what you *feel* as a person helps me hear other truths. I usually know anyway, and your being truthful about how you're feeling, not just the logic you espouse, let's me understand what I'm seeing and how people feel, and sense that they speak true and I can bend my will in your direction more easily then. Emotional honesty and being offered autonomy of choice where it's practical consistently builds trust and emotional safety that fosters my willingness to yield. I rarely then need help with motivation or compliance once I make a decision about it, and once I have an understanding of the reasons, compliance is easier too. I choose compliance when I trust those I'm complying with and understand their meaning and motivation, especially emotionally. As we anarchists say, relationships move at the speed of trust. 🖖🏼
Sadly I have done those steps they didn’t work because she uses her dad he is not on the same page as me when he is she starts crying historically and he gives in. So I lost my patience and I have raised my voice did everything opposite of being peaceful. I have to state that I am the step mom Her mom left this earth from cancer 3 years ago I tend to feel she uses this excuse sometimes and I feel so bad being put in this position of feeling this She even recently said that I don’t love her That I have fun with her dad without her When I’m the reality I from all these years have not had the normal relationship with her father no outings no physical or emotional romance because he believed that the child would loose her trust in him I did this with all my heart meaning I excepted to do this Now I’m in a position of leaving What should I do? I do not like his way of parenting if you can call it that… for example today She had a cold and of course she was not going to participate in PE She was possibly going to have a test so I said write a letter to her dad that would state she will not be participating and to take the test if any on a different day…. He looks at the child and say’s you tell the teacher and tell her to phone me and I will make her (shut up) 👀 wow I and the child were in such a healthy connection as soon as I didn’t agree with what she was doing and trying to over and over again explain “boom” I am wanting to learn how to make her understand. She doesn’t want me to leave but then again she wants me to tend to her naughty needs . Meaning I don’t do my homework I watch tv all day ext… like every child
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's definitely rough when parents aren't on the same page. Here are a few links to some of my other videos that might be helpful to you: ua-cam.com/video/f2h9twp9TdI/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/L6Hq3V2IBDo/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/RkZBc1E6xeE/v-deo.html I hope these help!
I almost choked om my tongue Ma'am I cannot BELIEVE THAT YOU DID SUCH A THING OOWWEE. Po parents bless them. Actually this is genius and exactly what people should know about you!
Each of these videos only share a few little tips. If you want the best results at implementing the full Teaching Self-Government method, you'll find the best results by taking the Teaching Self-Government Parenting Course. Here's a link. teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
I've done some role playing in some of my other videos. However, I don't do much of it in my videos here on UA-cam here since I wouldn't be able to role play everything and I do quite a bit of it in my online TSG Parenting Course, which can be found on my website. If it's something you'd like to look into, here's the link: teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/ I hope this helps!
I'm strong willed. I don't entirely agree. I seek enjoyment, not truth. I think your motivation may be truth. That's your personality. Check out the Myers-Briggs. It explains the different motivations well.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing. All the treatment foster children I cared for and my own 4 strong willed all seems to want truth. It’s true that I really resonate with truth. Good catch!
I still don’t appreciate my stepson chest pumping me as a bodybuilder and yell in my face and disrespectful l’y being in our household and being a sick person
At that time in my life, I had become a professional liar and it took time for me to recognize and change that. But I most certainly look for truth every day now!
My notes:
1) use description not reaction: what they did and what they should’ve done.
2) maintain a calm face, voice and body when correcting them or they will just feel like you are trying to manipulate them and not cooperate effectively.
3) know what you will say and do in response (not reaction) to their behavior. Appeal to their logic, not their emotions.
4)consistency.
5)be patient and keep practicing. Don’t take it personally.
6)have a plan for if the child’s tantrum escalates. (Rule of 3)
I can't help but to raise the question- are we bending too much to the point of being....too calm? Is there such a thing
Wow this is great advice! I'm a Pre-K teacher and I've noticed that children at this age start to "argue" more and really want more independence- so I've had many strong willed students, especially this year! This is a helpful list that I will share with my classroom team. Thank you!!
Nicholeen you are so wise. Thank you so much for all your help. The more I listen to your videos, the more I am understanding my parenting patterns and what I need to fix, let go off and plan for me and my children. My anxiety has dramatically gone down and my kids too. We are not building our relationship on emotions anymore and we know what to expect and what to look forward to. Thank you so much ❤ I finally found so many answers through your teachings. Restoring hope and faith in me and my children.
I love hearing about your progress and achievements! You are so welcome. I hope my videos continue to be a blessing in your life!
I’m so impressed with your teaching. If I cannot “parent” )self-govern myself it’s difficult to parent a child.
I like your thoughts! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for purring this together!! Very insightful!
One thing stood out to me as a place to reconsider: In the example of the 4-step “just now” script, I noticed that there was the “you should have” part (of telling the kid “you should have dropped it).
At least from my observations, when someone says “you should” it is inherently judgmental and includes an air of criticism.
For those who value the relationship (such as yourself), I would encourage an alternate framing to “should.”
In this example, maybe “I thought we were on the same page so when you did it anyway, I felt disrespected.”
Maybe even add an additonal script with a layer of humility and love, such as “If you wanted to still do it and felt like like the conversation wasn’t resolved, I would have hoped that you would have told me that. Maybe we could have found an alternate solution where both of our needs were met.”
This would help the kid know that they can dialogue and that their needs matter, while also communicating any vulnerable feelings of the parent.
It also helps the kid know why it can hurt the relationship if they say “yes” and then do something else.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. However, this change you're proposing is taking the interaction from the logical into the emotional, which is what we try to stay away from. Emotions aren't bad and should be taken into consideration, but things can go awry when situations are processed through an emotional lens. Using this kind of language brings the emotional aspect of the situation in at a time when emotions are still high, which clouds logical judgement. I say the specific words that I do to help bring children back to "front brain," or helping them engage their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for problem solving and logical thinking. If I leave them in "back brain," or where the emotional center of the brain is, I'm doing them a disservice. It's possible to become a slave to our emotions, which is what I'm trying to help people avoid with Teaching Self-Government.
I hope that cleared up why I use the wording I use in those crucial teaching moments of correcting behaviors.
I also go into more detail on the ins and outs of the script in my online TSG Parenting Course. Feel free to look into it, if you're interested:
teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
Either way, TSG is meant to give you the structure and support to create a united home. You are welcome to adapt it to your family in any way that you feel is best.
Oh my I have a 4 yr old daughter who has been expelled from daycare. Boy do I need help. Thank you.
Am going through the same, my four years old don't want to be corrected in school so she will throw herself on the floor and and start crying as if someone has done something to her, and she will also start hitting the toys, I really need help on how to handle this situation.
It sounds like everyone could use some skills! The Four Basic Skills to be exact. My daughter, Paije, uses these skills with her daughter, who is almost 2. But she's been using it since her daughter was 16-18 months old with great success.
Although it seems like a lot of information for you, the implementation isn't very hard with younger children. They catch on super fast! Start by teaching them how to take deep breaths and use a calm down spot to positively trigger their mind to remind them to calm down. Then, help them learn the word, "okay." Tell them you're going to give them an instruction, tell them what it is, prompt them to say "okay", then do lots of descriptive praise when they do it ("Wow! You said 'okay' right away and you had such a calm voice! You went right away to do the instruction and you came right back. That was amazing!").
Here are a couple of videos showing Paije using some of the skills with Clara:
ua-cam.com/video/x-QUNSXkUls/v-deo.html&pp=ygUTbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgYmFieQ%3D%3D
ua-cam.com/video/tYYsYMcN9RA/v-deo.html&pp=ygUqbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgYmFieSBkaXNhZ3JlZSBhcHByb3ByaWF0ZWx5
I hope this helps!
Hi Nicholeen, watching your videos has been the best thing that I have ever done. .and implementing it at home with my 9 year old has been completely liberating. We are discovering a new dimension everyday and our relationship has also improved. .thank you so much.
You are so welcome!
I like the describing. My immediate reaction is to say “you disobeyed me” or “why didn’t you listen to me?”.
Describing gets the mind out of reacting emotionally and, instead, responding logically. It's so helpful in hard situations!
I can not begin to tell you how I’m sharing your videos. I run an in home daycare. I talk to my parents and paths to quality leaders about you too. Trying to get you to come teach we daycare providers your ideas. Love you lady.
Wow! Thank you so much! The things I share and teach are definitely applicable to day care workers. If you can get enough people to come for an event, I'd be happy to talk with you about possibly setting something up.
This video deserves more views. 👏🏽
Feel free to share it with your friends!
I enjoy listening to you talk
Sorry for the late response. I'm glad you found this video helpful!
Thank you!!
You're most welcome!
My 8yo son is struggling at school. He’s presenting behavior of wanting to always be first, best, and right. He’s having issues with fairness. At home, he listens (for the most part) we rarely have arguments. I feel like his teacher thinks I’m lying when I say he doesn’t present that behavior at home. Help!
These seem to be issues that are becoming more and more widespread. When it comes to fairness, there really is no such thing. I go into much more depth on this topic in one of my podcasts, "Does Fairness Really Matter?" Here's a link to that podcast on my website:
teachingselfgovernment.com/parenting-blog/podcast/podcast-75-does-fairness-matter/
As far as his desire to be first, best, and right, help him learn and understand the skill of Accepting a 'No' Answer, which is one of the Four Basic Skills that we teach everyone. When something doesn't go his way, it's like someone telling him "no." There are 4 steps to accepting a "no" answer. Here's a link to another video that goes through the steps for each of the Four Basic Skills.
ua-cam.com/video/-P9CYN_RqFA/v-deo.html
Hopefully this helps!
The Gap and The Gain book in Audible
Incredible
Am struggling with my 11 year old daughter extremely strong will. Things have been very bad.
I'm so sorry to hear that! The best way I can offer guidance and support is through my Support Group or my courses and trainings. Here are some links that could be helpful:
teachingselfgovernment.com/parenting-mastery/
teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
thank you
You're welcome!
What about when a sibling (9 yrs) is hurting a younger sibling (7 yrs) and doesn't seem to care, and then doesn't care about the consequences.
It sounds like your 9-year-old doesn't have a vision of why being kind is important. It could be that they also have seen examples of others be mean and not care or not be corrected. It could be helpful to talk with them about the benefits for them for being kind to their siblings (siblings are nicer in return, the 9yo gets more of what they want, etc) and set up a positive incentive to help them choose to change.
This is just scratching the surface. I have so much more in my TSG Parenting Course that goes much more in depth. Here's the link to it: teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
Gotta say as a person with a PDA profile, this unemotional approach isn't always useful for me. Using logic for this instead of focusing on feelings would not go well. I found that there's such a thing as *emotional truth* that runs alongside other logical truths that I need to see also. Being truthful about what you *feel* as a person helps me hear other truths. I usually know anyway, and your being truthful about how you're feeling, not just the logic you espouse, let's me understand what I'm seeing and how people feel, and sense that they speak true and I can bend my will in your direction more easily then. Emotional honesty and being offered autonomy of choice where it's practical consistently builds trust and emotional safety that fosters my willingness to yield. I rarely then need help with motivation or compliance once I make a decision about it, and once I have an understanding of the reasons, compliance is easier too. I choose compliance when I trust those I'm complying with and understand their meaning and motivation, especially emotionally. As we anarchists say, relationships move at the speed of trust. 🖖🏼
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
This has talked to me personally and its a good guide for my teen daughter who questions everything.Thanks.
You're welcome! I'm glad it was helpful.
Sadly I have done those steps they didn’t work because she uses her dad he is not on the same page as me when he is she starts crying historically and he gives in.
So I lost my patience and I have raised my voice did everything opposite of being peaceful.
I have to state that I am the step mom
Her mom left this earth from cancer 3 years ago
I tend to feel she uses this excuse sometimes and I feel so bad being put in this position of feeling this
She even recently said that I don’t love her
That I have fun with her dad without her
When I’m the reality I from all these years have not had the normal relationship with her father no outings no physical or emotional romance because he believed that the child would loose her trust in him I did this with all my heart meaning I excepted to do this
Now I’m in a position of leaving
What should I do?
I do not like his way of parenting if you can call it that… for example today
She had a cold and of course she was not going to participate in PE
She was possibly going to have a test so I said write a letter to her dad that would state she will not be participating and to take the test if any on a different day….
He looks at the child and say’s you tell the teacher and tell her to phone me and I will make her (shut up) 👀 wow
I and the child were in such a healthy connection as soon as I didn’t agree with what she was doing and trying to over and over again explain “boom”
I am wanting to learn how to make her understand. She doesn’t want me to leave but then again she wants me to tend to her naughty needs .
Meaning I don’t do my homework I watch tv all day ext… like every child
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's definitely rough when parents aren't on the same page. Here are a few links to some of my other videos that might be helpful to you:
ua-cam.com/video/f2h9twp9TdI/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/L6Hq3V2IBDo/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/RkZBc1E6xeE/v-deo.html
I hope these help!
@@TeachingSelfGovernment Thank you kindly
God bless
I almost choked om my tongue Ma'am I cannot BELIEVE THAT YOU DID SUCH A THING OOWWEE. Po parents bless them. Actually this is genius and exactly what people should know about you!
Sorry for the late response! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Omg, thank you!!!
No problem!!
Annie Wilkes has a youtube channel?! 😃
You're not the first person to think I look like Kathy Bates. :) I'm glad you found my channel!
How do you stop the argument that usually comes when you start explaining.
Thanks so much for excellent advice! 🌷
What is the rule of 3?
Great question!
ua-cam.com/video/1EVYVgWiJtc/v-deo.html&pp=ygUVbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgcnVsZW9m
I hope this helps!
I try and be calm but when my husband doesn’t follow through as a parent and they don’t respect him then I lose my mind😊
Hi Nicholeen, I also have a 6 year old. But I am not able to fully implement this with him. .can you help me
Each of these videos only share a few little tips. If you want the best results at implementing the full Teaching Self-Government method, you'll find the best results by taking the Teaching Self-Government Parenting Course. Here's a link. teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
Can you please do a video of how to actually do the sit down? Please help!! I would love a pretend sitdown played out
I've done some role playing in some of my other videos. However, I don't do much of it in my videos here on UA-cam here since I wouldn't be able to role play everything and I do quite a bit of it in my online TSG Parenting Course, which can be found on my website. If it's something you'd like to look into, here's the link:
teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
I hope this helps!
I'm strong willed. I don't entirely agree. I seek enjoyment, not truth. I think your motivation may be truth. That's your personality. Check out the Myers-Briggs. It explains the different motivations well.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing. All the treatment foster children I cared for and my own 4 strong willed all seems to want truth. It’s true that I really resonate with truth. Good catch!
Nicoleen,
Are you saying not to ever spank children ?
I still don’t appreciate my stepson chest pumping me as a bodybuilder and yell in my face and disrespectful l’y being in our household and being a sick person
These are now 21 yr old and almost 18yr olds
I react cookoo
👏👏
Hi there!
I’m so over this behavior with idiots and need advice and support I’m losing my mind every
Day
You said you being strong willed as a child wanted truth yet your friend recognized you were full of lies??
At that time in my life, I had become a professional liar and it took time for me to recognize and change that. But I most certainly look for truth every day now!
They have zero respect