there was a case a few years at my uni of a student who was failing his exams but he couldn't tell his friends and parents. the thing spiraled so much out of control that it got to the point where he was supposed to graduate and everybody was coming to celebrate, but he wasn't even close so on the graduation date he jumped off the roof. i remember my automation professor spending like 40 minutes of class talking about it and begging us to seek help when we need it
I've heard similar stories to this one. Such as students wanting to swap majors or schools, but are unable to or afraid because of the expectations put on them by their parents and guardians. It becomes so severe to the point where they just run away and end up god knows where. It's tragic, but they think it's the only way they can protect themselves mentally and sometimes physically. And sadly, sometimes they're right about that judgement.
@@dmax1 While I do appreciate your concern for others, and your politeness in how you asked. It has been shown in several studies that putting 'warnings' before sensitive material has little, to no effect and can actually increase distress.
What help you gonna get? Maybe it is because I don't live in the US or whatever but, honestly, what help will you get? You won't get any help. Family and friends are always there locking you in, no one is going to give you money to be free from them or give you a job that won't just burn you out quick because it is something you're interested in. No one is going to help. Will talking to a therapist help? Fuck no. The therapist isn't gonna fix the problem of a bunch of harmful people causing codependency. All you can do is try to withstand until you can free your self, and if you can't.. 🤷🏽 Some people just don't get it. Sure, some of these people who are causing the codependency can be reasoned with but it never clicks in their brain, this person will literally leave life if I don't stop my BS. They think it is something to just throw aside and continue their BS. It is sad but it is something so many experience, too many.
That’s horrible. He escaped his problems all the way of a roof. Life’s tough. This proves the importance of dealing with your problems instead of running away from them and also the importance of not being a judgemental person so that other people feel safe to open up to you.
The end portion really struck for me hearing so many people these days describe themselves as "brutally honest" , when in reality they're far more interested in the brutal aspect than the honesty, because otherwise they'd find a way to be honest when it was needed while still being conscious and compassionate of the other person. This isn't to say that sometimes what someone needs is the blunt truth, but there are almost always ways to approach the truth without being completely inconsiderate of how the other person may feel or understand the situation.
I feel this so much. Most of my life I've been told I come off too mean when saying what I believe to be the truth (sometimes with intention and sometimes without) and have slowly been adjusting my vocabulary to sound less mean. You don't have to sugar coat your words, but you can choose your words better.
Your comment resonated with me. I think a lot of people who have been lied to/have had the trust they'd given to a person abused in their lives might be so traumatized from that experience of being lied to, that they'd get hyper-focused on being truthful and telling the truth at all times. At least that's an interpretation I've made interacting with people I've met who are like that. Anyhow, I guess it's also about where you draw the line between being 'polite' and 'lying to someone's face'. How much can you embellish the truth, in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings, while remaining within the morally accepted margin?
True. But the thing is. Usually when ppl are forced to being honest about he doesnt want to tell. There's a pressure in her chest when he/she want to talk about it. And this unconciously make their tone and intonation high. Its one package that ppl will experience when they want to be perfectly honest. That is why ppl grouping it together. But the thing is. Actually we dont need to be perfectly honest and thats okay. If we can be honest 100% of the time, maybe you're an angel or prophet lol. Which is not. We are human, we are not perfect, and that is why sometimes we use mask. The point is not to stop wearing mask, but to realize that you are CHOOSE to wear that mask, and prepared to get the consequences with open heart.
I had been doing this way before watching this video, and I tell you by experience, it's really good for all your relationships. It also helps you kinda see which relationships are unhealthy. Actual example: My aunt got me animal print leggings for Christmas. The day after I told her "Auntie, I appreciate the leggings, but I'm not fond of animal print." She tried to convince me it didn't look like animal print... when it was clearly leopard print.......
I told my parents I was fine not because I loved and cared for them but mostly because I don’t want to talk about it because they never understood the issue or would just write it off, give me some lecture, or tell a story about when they were young that isn’t relevant. So I learned to keep it all in because no one would understand it. And they wonder why I say nothing, it’s because they don’t help they just make it worse
The thing about them comparing their struggles to yours in a ‘suck it up’ manner is specially frustrating. My parents like to talk about how there were not as many service jobs back in their day vs how now there’s everywhere when those jobs are still very badly paid and very exploitative, and back in their day there were less college graduates and therefore more positions for better paying jobs, I especially hate it because their solution for every lost young person they see is for them to get a college degree and a job in that field.
Yes when i told with my parents or grandparents about some problem they are usually like during war we did not have much money and there was bombing and family members were in prison so you just need to overcome it. :D I am like okay. .D
I did that pretending to go to uni thing too.. Definitely the worst time of my life. The shame you feel is absolutely overwhelming. It ended when I literally had to hide from my parents who came back early when I was supposed to be at a test. They found me because my shoes and backpack were still there.
I remember the first semesters were specially rough on me and I wouldn’t talk about it with my parents, I ended up hiding from everyone, not attending class until it all came to the surface. It ended up being ok and tbh I still have problems initiating final projects or starting tests because I get the feeling that I’ve never known what I’m doing and get such a relief when I do it fine.
recently I've been trying to get used to hugs, it's not that I dont like them and in fact I do really enjoy them but there is always this feeling of sort of regret that came afterward (probably thinking I somehow did it wrong or that I bother them in some way). Well recently I started asking some friends for hugs from time to time and told them to hug me whenever they feel like it, and Im glad to say that the feeling of regret is getting smaller bit by bit. Im really happy about it and even feel less lonely. So yeah, I guess it works being honest
I feel like it’s tough to talk about these small things because it’s kinda awkward and it makes me feel vulnerable. maybe it’s more so for guys but yeah i think it would be good if more people where open about these sort of things.
@@theoofsweden not so much only for guys (not all the time at least) , Im a girl so it is kinda weird for other people that Im not expressive or "caring" since physical contact is more of a women thing apparently. It is hard to talk about stuff like this but in my experience once you start to open up it gets easier, and yeah im aware that sadly as a man that can be seen as somehow bad, but really how bad can it be when after a hug you can feel so good? Might be harder for you to ask for a hug and not be seen as some kind of weirdo, but Im sure there's people out there that will understand you. So thank you for sharing that and good luck !
The struggling with telling parents things is so real. Personally I've done it for so long that I've developed the belief that the human psyche isn't built to carry other people's burdens as well. The only way I'll get out of that is by going to a therapist because I pay them to do so
quite simply, your brain is yours, the connection between yourself and other people is a social one and often social interactions are based on concessions/rules, if those concessions don't accurately reflect what's going on internally then it's been my experience that it can cause tension. It's not that the human psyche is incapable of carrying a burden more than the mechanisms by which those burdens are carried are predominantly personal, internal and very difficult to communicate. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to focus on myself and be a bit more selfish in taking liberties with those everyday concessions. Eventually it all balanced back out to normal and I have a much better understanding now of what it takes to communicate those deeper feelings without having to worry about other people at all. I understand what I need from other people and what they expect of me and that's that. Just be patient and stay strong and you'll get there✌(◔◡◔)✌
@@wildeskompositum9556 Same. I lied to them to spare their feeling AND protect mine. 90% my friends hardly know me. Going therapy was the best because I felt like I could be honest and "bore them" with my authentic self.. Even there I could see myself trying to make me look like a professional person instead of myself. I had to admit it to my therapist so she would discount the impression I'm giving off and not assume I have myself together.
”I’ve developed the belief that the human psyche isn’t built to carry other people’s burdens”. What do you mean when you say ”burden”? And also why couldn’t the human psyche be built for that i don’t understand.
I needed this video so much. I've always had problems with being terrified of confrontation, caused by a strict and sheltered upbringing. I've learned to act timid around people to avoid upsetting anyone. It's manipulation, it's not what I'm really like. And I love the way Dr K explains that here.
Many people this day will and some kind of targeting you if you being polite and kind, we kind a had to learn and train ourself in some sort of boundaries training or somethin...
"I've never wanted to be able to eat these nuts more than now" I loved the whole video but I will always appreciatte how your inner child is always there to take advantage of these Jokes
As someone who is very allergic to nuts, that one hit home really hard. Also as someone with Arab ancestry, it sucks to not be able to eat a typical Arab dessert since most arabic pastries have nuts 🙃
@@kaledzarzar453 That sounds awful. I wonder if there's any way around it? A way to tweak the recipes to not have nuts somehow? Artificial nuts? Who knows.
@@MrGamelover23 Honestly, I've never given it much thought. When it comes to tweaking recipes, I automatically tend to ignore the "nutty" recipes and I only pay attention to recipes that don't look "nutty", so when they do have nuts, it is in very low quantities, so I just leave them out assuming that it isn't crucial to the recipe itself. Still, my past girlfriends, when they wanted to make something that relied heavily on nuts and wanted to make me feel included, they'd usually substitute them with nut-free granola, oatmeal or roasted beans. They say that it isn't so bad, but it's better with nuts. And the idea of artificial nuts, it has never even crossed my mind before, so I don't have any idea about it, but I feel like if there were good progress on that, I would have heard about it, so I'm not very optimistic on it :(. It's a good idea though, if anyone has any good info about it, I'm genuinely interested in it.
Every single video has helped me more than you'll ever know Dr k, even this one where I clicked thinking "oh this might not be for me so let's learn about someone else" ended up being "holy shit I need to take all these masks off" being from internal feelings not being presented to the outside world within my relationships. One thing that's been sinking me like a damn anchor is doing stuff for my parents over the years and ignoring my internal passion to do completely something else, where now I have so much shame and guilt from it piling on for so long. Tonight I'll talk to them and let them know how I'm feeling and the road forward thanks to this video, I don't want to live a life anymore that feels like every day is too much weight to carry.
@@4xzx4 Forgive me for I'm a month late but it went extremely well, all those pent up emotions I felt were released and I felt closer to both of my parents. I've discussed with them my interest to finally grow as an individual and pursue my career and experience what life has to offer both ups and downs on my journey. Both of them were very understanding and had given their own feelings on what was happening lately which felt good.
Yeah, recently told my parents I'm not fine. Hard as **** man. My mask is off now though. The news hit them like a truck. They are still healing. I told them for over 10 years I was fine when I was serverely depressed and other things. The lies built up. My father took it the hardest... His number one lesson in raising me and my sister is don't lie except for the little white lies. One month later our relationship has healed and is better than ever. It's 100% worth it but wow so hard man.
The therapist I see combines Schema therapy in our sessions, this masking habit is what I understand as me abandoning myself (specifically my “child self”) also meaning my needs, because that is the behaviour that I had to repeat in order to receive love from those around me. I realised only after therapy that I actually wear this mask all the time, ESPECIALLY when I’m newly dating someone. And this results in me having constantly in the past end up with someone who has been kind of a jerk or in desperate need of help/support and I was constantly left drained and empty and sad, because they never from the start considered that I may have needs because I never communicated them at the beginning and would always throw my needs out the back end and only consider the other person’s. In some cases when the person/guy was a jerk, as soon as I’d express anything about my needs I was called “selfish”, “inconsiderate”, “a bad friend” etc. And that’s how, the vicious cycle of self abandonment continues! Because then there’s more shame! More pushing my needs and wants and boundaries and basically my existence on the back burner. Trusting that I can REALLY exist, instead of being parasitically strangled, and still be loved, is something I’m still working on. And it’s scary. Thank god for therapy.
The age of authenticity is over. It has become the era of profile building. Its like we all know everyone is faking it and genuinely faking it. Maybe now being authentic is to know you can only TRY to figure things out.
I was pretty sure the 1990s and 2000s were about authenticity, not caring about appearances. It was open discussions and speaking out about injustices of the past and saying things how they are. What happened close to 2015, you can't call China China or you can't call Russia Russia.
I dunno I have friends that I genuinely believe are authentic because they are too different than "normal" people to not be. You just have to find the people you vibe with imo.
Yes, I've been wearing masks since 2019 first to reduce my anxiety. Then covid happened and wearing masks were mandatory. And now I'm still wearing masks because I've gotten so used to it.
I just wanna say I feel so grateful to be able to watch this video and being able to practice it in my day to day life. Not everyone have a safe environment to be authentic and I pray you all can finally have that safe environment.
Being authentic is an extremely lonely path... The narrow-minded will call you boring, but the open-minded will say that being authentic makes you the most intriguing/mysterious. The only problem with that is, it's unpredictable, and unpredictability or things that people don't understand, are "scary". A person who's always inauthentic, you can predict and brush off as fake. Meanwhile, someone who is authentic, all you can do is trust. In this day and age, so many people get played by "fake authenticity" that it makes real authenticity that much harder to detect and therefore that much more terrifying to trust.
Just wanted to stop in here and say I thought this was articulated nicely and it really helped me connect some ideas. Authenticity definitely can be lonely. The way I see it, if you're really being authentic, it will probably become more difficult to find good friends and romantic partners. After all, most inauthenticity is sort of (misguidedly) done to aid in building relationships. So it can be difficult to find good matches while being authentic, especially if your authentic self has a lot of variation from more common personalities. But the upside to that... Is that when you do find people, they are much more likely to be an excellent match for you! So in a way, authenticity acts as a filter that directs less people your way, but the average match quality is much higher per incoming person. With that said, when our authenticity meter detects a false positive, it's a really sad and potentially dangerous thing to our own ability to trust. Completely agree. Thanks, good to meet you. Wishing you health and wealth. And the bravery to live authentically!
I don't know what people mean by authentic. What if someone wants to authentically cheat on their spouse? I think authenticity is a modern buzzword to describe what they think is the opposite of social anxiety.
This is great advice. I was actually doing something similar to the guy you mentioned. I had to take a semester off from college here and there, but I kept up the lie that I was going strong and getting close to finishing. It wasn't fun, but I thought it was necessary l. Eventually I changed my degree which ment it would take a good deal longer to finish school, but it also signaled a turning point where I would just straight up say that. And it felt sooooooo much better. It felt like correcting a wrong, which it kinda was
the hard thing about being authentic is to understand when, until which point and most importantly WHOM with you’re being so. The risk is for authenticity to shift into exposing your weaknesses, if you're not careful enough, which sometimes is good but sometimes is really bad. The problem is showing those weaknesses to people who is willing to use them against you or with people who just want to have a "chat" and not really want to know the story of your life. Being authentic in the sense of being “yourself” can be sometimes an obstacle when setting boundaries. It is all about finding the right balance: try to be authentic but also respectful of yourself and the others. Way too many people are being fake the whole time and it is being so normalized, that many wish to be lied to instead of hearing the truth. Lying is not that big of a deal for some. Social media of course plays a gigantic role in all this mess, obviously, but I don't think is the root cause of it. I think is more a mirror of society. Straight honest people will not have so many "friends" and it may be really stressing and feel unrewarding sometimes, but the few friends that are staying with you despite being authentic are the one you can really count on, or at least this was my experience. Maybe I’m being way too emotional writing this as this was what my experience was like so you shall take it with a grain of salt. I’m sure I am mixing things up but probably many of you can relate to this and put it into better words.
It's so much easier to go through life wearing a mask and hiding parts of who we -truly- are (which we worry others may judge or dislike us for). But any time I tried that, it felt wrong in my soul and I felt as though I wasn't living MY life. It felt like I was lying to myself and to others. Over time I came to the conclusion that what's more important for me is not what others think of me, but instead staying true in who I am and the things I stand for - regardless of whether people like that or not.
Have u been able to fully live like this while it's been getting easier? Or has it become harder because you're more aware of certain stuff u do combined with having the realization that u do care about what other people think? For me it's the latter
I just went through a painful experience over the last 6 weeks due to this exact behavior. I would say that the behavior went both ways between me and a girl that I was interested in, however it was definitely more-so the girl's behavior. I originally matched with her on Hinge, and we met up last November. Afterwards, she said to me via text that she was just "looking for friends". I took that at face value, and 4 months later I decided to check up on her and see how she was doing (as a friend). She then told me she was going through a heartbreak and that "it takes time for her to get feelings for others" and that she "wanted to get to know me". In that moment, I couldn't bring myself to ask for clarification and be honest with her about my feelings/intentions as she was going through a heartbreak and I wanted to give her space. However, in doing so, that gave me some karma knowing that over time I could develop actual feelings and get myself hurt. About 3 weeks passed and we were doing a lot of activities together (tennis, dancing, rock climbing, friend meetups, a convention, etc) and I was being very obvious with my interest in her. She was also giving a lot of mixed signals. But then when I was being direct with her and asking her if we could talk in person, she had a hard time bringing herself to do so. She is a very conflict-avoidant person, and she has used white lies in the past to control the feelings of others and make sure they don't get hurt. However, it seemed like she did not want to confront the situation with me and hurt my feelings (she did friendzone me later on) - 3 weeks had passed where she was intentionally ignoring the messages specifically addressed at talking about us, but she did still yes to group events. I eventually got to tell her how I felt after that time had passed, but it really hurt that she couldn't bring herself to be honest with me earlier on. I know that I could have talked with her sooner to protect myself, but I was also trying to be mindful of her feelings. Many of my friends said that it was right for me to hold off on asking her about it, so I don't really regret it. It is a very difficult situation, especially when you are with that person you care about so much in person. Basically, the first 3 weeks, we did activities, then at the end of the 3rd week I wanted to tell her how I felt, but then it dragged on for 3 more weeks with a lack of communication/honesty/conflict avoidment that hurt me because of the anxiety/feeling of betrayal with trust as a friend. I understand why she didn't want to confront the situation, but at the same time she disregarded my feelings and, as a friend, it felt like I was being pushed under a rug. It doesn't feel good. I don't resent her for it - humans are complicated and people have their reasons. She definitely hurt me though even if unintentional, and it could have been avoided. I learned that the lack of communication and honesty though will definitely cause more bad than good over time, and that there ARE ways to approach the truth without being completely inconsiderate of the other person. Both of us could have done better, though I feel like she could have done a lot more on her end with it. (also, she revealed to me after I confessed that our first meetup was in fact a date, so I got rejected twice LOL it was a very unfortunate experience).
I feel like the Swami story is very famous here in India, I've heard it multiple times with different variations and back stories but always involving bitter melon and getting it more than you ever want lol
I had a professor in college with almost the same story. He was studying in China for a year or something when he was young. And his Chinese was ok, but not great. And obviously this was way before the internet where you can just look something up if you forget. So when his host mother asked what foods he liked, he meant to say watermelon (xi gua) but instead he said bitter melon (ku gua). And everywhere he went, his host mother phoned ahead to tell them how much he loved bitter melon.
I've been working on this for the past few years and I am so much more relaxed than I used to be. I used to have anxiety and panic attacks but now I'm honest most of the time and don't feel like a fraud everyday anymore. I still am not honest 100% of the time, but life is a ton less horrifying being honest and knowing it will likely be okay to be me. Good luck to everyone. I'd start with your mom, then dad, then really close friends then others.
Dude this video paired with the emotional availability video is so good for getting the ball rolling. The emotional availability video I think discusses tools you can use to be compassionate while this video provides good reason to start being honest. The skill sets compliment each other well in my opinion, it’s really cool
4:12 .. :( 6:50 correcting that falsehood, pain i appreciate this being categorised as wearing a mask, not simply 'lying' bc ig its not so simple. & this separates the immediate shame from the thought of past experiences. 7:50 .. continuing living the lie, creating backlog of karmic debt delaying pain, for u & others 10:20 making amends, help w sobriety 11:15 paying that price, it hurts, but... 12:50 too much karmic debt: its ok. 13:50 ! where to start, when parents call, ask u how u are, be honest. 18:00 bittermelon story 20:20 sowing the seeds for ur future, karma 22:10 being disrespectful: truth subject to non violence 23:40 u can say that, honesty w/o hurt speaking the truth, w compassion recognise u cant control someone else's reaction; X making yourself responsible for other ppl's reactions 25:10 25:45 'not working yet, but thankyou' start w the smallest thing of authenticity, how can i say [this] w compassion + honesty? acknowledge where they're coming from 27:50 😂 28:50 *U can appreciate what they did for u, not what u got out of it*
I have kind of the opposite problem compared to the OP. I'm wearing a mask before other people and this makes me boring and unable to open up. I have a hard time starting meaningful relationships because of that. It was bugging me for so long and I just can't get rid of my mask. When I try to be authentic people just think of me as gross, weird or inconsiderate. So I put on the mask and become a boring NPC.
When you’re on your deathbed are you going to thank yourself for living authentically or in regret that you spent your whole life being somebody that you never liked?
You might have to replace some of the people around you. They chose to be around the mask because they like it, but you will find other people who would rather choose to be around your authentic self than the mask.
Yo that authenticity vs violence part is exactly what I needed today! I have experiences with people being rude when asking a favor. I never realized this was violence before! A lot of my karma-debt is the resentment I've built up. I feel like I am being walked over constantly, and that I am expected to give more. I will try not to meet violence with violence; But now I know I don't need to tolerate rudeness.
Couldn't have had this recommended at a better time. I'm coming clean with my dad that my already extended 6 year undergrad in engineering will become 6.5. I've wanted to make him so proud and he already deals with a bunch of stuff in our family. It's hard, but I know it's gonna make me feel better
the problem i have is being honest with my grandmother, i'm very honest with my own mom because she makes me feel comfortable about being myself. but my grandmother is old and lowkey naive to other people's feelings and actions. she asks me why i haven't gotten a job yet and i COULD tell her that i'm depressed and i don't wanna work a entry level job that will undeniably make me EVEN MORE depressed but then she might just say i'm lazy and make me feel like shit cuz i'm not acting the way she wants me to. it just feels like being honest isn't gonna help cuz she'll just ignore everything i say and use the "lazy" argument.
But did you try it tho? Or is your mind just telling you what will happen instead of trying ? In my case going out there doing something and stop being a "burden" to my parents help me so mutch... And who know's maybe you find some new friends
@@delson1492 im working up to it but it's not easy, everything requires money, which i don't mind if getting a job that acknowledges my skills wasn't so hard. but it is which means i have to get a document from a college that says i know what i know even though i already knew it before going to said college.... sorry for the long text.
For all these videos dr k, i thank you very much, ive developed pretty bad anxiety after a recent breakup, these videos have been very helpful in me being a better human being.
Ur channel is so important! I hope u see that. It seems like u have compiled the perfect psychoanalysis for our generation and the way u explain and the examples u use makes it so its 100% reflective and that it is understood on multiple levels! Thank u for following ur destiny!
How do you begin living authentically when from the start of your life you learned to modify yourself in order to avoid life-threatening conflict with those closest to you who were supposed to protect you but ended up making you afraid and fearful of people? That's what I kind of want to figure out before I kick the bucket old and alone :) Even now when I know that I shouldn't do it I keep modifying myself subconsciously around people.. most times I just end up not saying anything out of mental fatigue from all this restraining. It's kind of hard to 'just be yourself' as the kids say these days when all your life you have been suppressing yourself.. and when you start looking for it you end up even more confused. It's just a ball of confusion made from external ideas and beliefs.. I guess that's why it's so easy to stay in a mindless bubble and consume Netflix all day. I think a better question is - How do you know where the mask ends and you begin?
I've been working on recovering from CPTSD, and cultivating compassionate authenticity has been one of the hardest and most rewarding practices I've found in my recovery. So much of my behavior has been motivated by an attempt to control my environment and other people's perceptions of me to hold onto the pleasure of attachments and not experience the pain of being triggered. As I've practiced meditation, I've begun to notice more and more that I am actually safest and most cherished precisely when I am not trying to control anything. I have also found I recieve far more grace and forgiveness when I can own the fact that I can't always help that I am occasionally reactive and difficult to be around, and that while my behavior is my responsibility, it's not always reflection of who I am as a person. What's most incredible is that in cultivating this self comparison, I've been able to extend that compassion out to others too. That is really handy because I tend to resonate with other self-aware trauma survivors, so our relationships can get a little volatile at times 😅😅
The point about the need to speak the truth to develop compassionate skill with compassionate language is super important. How can you learn to be truly compassionate if you just constantly lie to people's faces? We live in a society (in the USA at least) where people are so comfortable with regularly lying to spare people's feelings that they actually come to expect it from others. People understand that if someone has something on their face that is embarrassing in one situation, it is impolite to not tell them but then they expect people to do almost the same thing for them in a million different ways.
I went in to my final English exams in gray sweatpants and an old hoodie. Everyone wore suits and had great looking fresh hair cuts. Why did I pick my attire? It was comfortable. I had a fun talk with the ladies inside, and I nigh got max points. I'm sure as hell if I wore something I hated I'd have stressed and botched something. I just be myself at all times. I just tell people if I feel bad. Good way to sort them out too, because if they don't really care about me, they will just keep a distance after a negative discussion. It looks very scary at first, but this is what freedom is, and God see my soul, I'd not go back.
My authenticity is to behave exactly what I want, no matter how different it is from other environments. It is important to not lie, your charisma level is changeable, so dont worry
This is something I struggle with (and as a gay guy has been compounded from years of being closeted) as well people pleasing.... which is related to authenticity. 'Your mind will think about how the other person will react to what you say.... You are setting yourself up for karmic problems down the line." Learnt this the hard way Props to Shawn Mendes for being vulnerable and posting his struggle with this btw. Fan of him and his music.
This really hits close to home. I feel as if my mask grows with time. With that, my anxiety and stress grows aswell. Hopefully it will be better in the future. Thank you Dr K.
I don't think it's growing, I think you might be becoming more aware of what it affects/that it holds you back in more ways than you thought. I actually had a good cry last night about something similar to the topic. Anyway you know best.
@@deadinside8781 I’ve definitely become more self aware about my feelings and my general issues. I’ve been trying to confront these issues but it will definitely take some time. I hope all is well for you.
I couldn't believe how wearing a mask affecting my life. It came to light that this is why I would overeat because I couldn't lean on other people and would always lie about my struggles particularly to my family and friends. Recently I tried making little changes and would just say how I'm actually feeling. This actually made me less prone to overeat because I don't feel as much as a fraud, now that I am being honest to others around me. The thought of wanting to lie to stop others from showing a negative reaction is so subtle though, which is why it had caused so many problems in my life, and am on the path of healing now
Personally speaking, I feel like being authentic is good in small to medium doses, and it's plenty good with people that you really love, i/e loved ones or family, that's great, good friends, that's great. I feel like some sort of authenticity must get lost in between society at some point, but if you can withhold some of that authentic in ur life, then by all means, do it. As long as you think it's not gonna bother anybody out of ur loved ones spectrum, then I think it should be okay. It's a simple concept, but that's about it, it depends on the person if it's either easy or hard for them to do. Overall being authentic should be all fine with the ones that you feel like you can be that way.
Even though being authentic and respectful, it's not easy, because people really can see things differently and the make it your fault how they perceive you. I had some troubles at work because some people saw every non-praise comment like an attack.
Oof. I love how personally called out I feel by Dr. K's videos and the timing of them. Been just working through some similar things and it's also good to have Dr. K's perspective
I really lit up when Dr. K mentioned he's from Gujarat. I am from Gujarat too :) and have always suspected him to be a Gujarati too somehow idk but feels good man. Kem Cho Alokbhai? Majama? (I learn a lot through all these videos and make notes of stuff worth remembering too) Keep up the good work! Love from Gujarat
I'm not very observant so I've been wondering why your videos suddenly feel so much more chill and cool and I just realized the decor behind you is completely changed from what you used to have a while back. How long has it been? lol. But man I like it a lot, it looks so cozy and comfortable and the lighting is the cherry on top.
I prefer to say that the glass is not half full or empty - it's generally always full. Just because it doesn't fully contain liquid doesn't mean it isn't also likely full of something else we need (sometimes you need to take a break from school, sometimes you need to quit that job, etc.). It reminds me of the concept of Aristotle's central ethical concept of "happiness" (or more specifically eudaimonia) in which the point is to view one's life as a whole and not separate it - personal vs public or professional or duty vs pleasure. AA likely works because the human relationships allow walls to break down and separate forms of the self to integrate and solidify into a stronger form.
I can recommend 3 films on the topic of people who invent a successful professional situation for their family and friends: The Adversary by Nicole Garcia, Time Out by Laurent Cantet, and The Human Part by Juha Lehtola. They really translate well this concept of karmic debt, how psychologically destructive it is to live that way.
I'm reminded of that scene from Mad Men (any Mad Men fans here?) where Don reveals his true self to his clients and colleagues with absolutely disastrous results.
My youngest son sent me this video for mothers day.. I told both my sons tell me the truth. If you make a mistake it's a mistake. But if you lie about it then I'm gonna be upset... he was not being authentic but maybe I was too busy to hear him that one moment. But I also defended him so many times from his older brother and his father. He still likes them. I'm Gen x so we all real here.
"Now, in the same way, I've often said life is a drama, and a drama is a deception. It's a big act. When you peel an onion, and you don't really understand the nature of an onion, you might look for the pit in the centre, like any ordinary fruit has. But the onion doesn't have a centre. It's all skins. And so, when you get right down, there's nothing but a bunch of skins. You say, Well, that was kind of disappointing. But, of course, you have to understand that the skins were the part that you eat. Well, in rather the same way, you see, you find-when you explore yourself, and your motivations, and you go through and through-and you try to find out that thing which is really genuine. That's why, in Zen discipline, they give you kōans which require a perfectly genuine act. An act of total and absolute sincerity. And people knock themselves out trying to do this thing, but they always know that the master is going to catch them, because he reads their thought. Do you know that story of von Kleist, about the man who had a fight with a bear? And the bear could read his thoughts, so that the only way of hitting the bear was to do so not on purpose-because the bear would know in advance. So it's the same in working with a Zen master. You have to do the genuine act not on purpose. But since you're put in a situation where it's rather formal, and you're supposed to do it on purpose, you're stuck, you see? So you explore the onion, and you go in, and in, and in, and then you find-well, it's all a deception!" - Alan Watts The Web of Life, Part 11: A Perfectly Genuine Act
The present sucks more often than we realize. We are programmed to think more fondly of the past so it’s only natural that we think telling the truth and being authentic is less work and pain than we might initially think.
Hey HealthyGamerGG crew! Love the addition of music at the start of your videos, it fits so well! What would make it even better for me were if you credited the artist and put their name and the song title in the description!
People who have been in hostile environments for a long time such that they can’t stop acting a certain way because the mask was necessary (which is the point of the song I will reference): That’s what the point of the mask is.
My grandma would always ask if I was fine, but she also used to make it seem like thinking of suicide is a disgrace so I never really told her until I didn’t care anymore
The bitter melons story reminds me of when I was a kid and had dinner at a friends house. I forget what the dish was but I do remember there was whole pieces of ginger in it. I didn’t want to be rude and I ate all the food including the ginger. It wasn’t until after and the mom informed me I wasn’t supposed to eat the ginger. I liked the food, just didn’t really feel good eating all the ginger.
It sums up most of my issues, and the moment he said “it’s manipulation” i went 😲, because I have lately been feeling manipulative, and that i can literally adjust how people react and perceive things related to me, which isn’t the intention behind it, but it’s just an ability that develops with the dishonesty! And it is starting to make me feel like trash
Being too authentic can rob you of opportunities, being too fake can lead to a miserable unfulfilling life. There is a balance to be struck, be authentic where you can and be fake where you can be rewarded.
My ex-husband pulled that pretending to go to college thing. Left every day for a semester lying to me about were he was going. Telling me he was going to class when he was at the local game shop playing Warhammer.
i thought the video was about those masks lol. and i think it's weird to want to wear a physical mask all the time outside, so i hoped it was about that issue, cuz i have it and think about it.
I hate to admit it but I struggle with the mask thing.... I sometimes feel empty, or an imposter of some kind idk it’s hard to describe but then I also struggle with “people pleasing” and it’s why I continue to do my best to be a better person each day. But it’s hard, especially when people, even my own friend/relatives tell me “you’re so cringe” or “you’re weird af” and yeah, I am aware I am and it’s also something I feel I really need to work on, I guess.
In a way, I'm such a chameleon because of people pleasing, if feels kind of authentic to me as an expression, I have many masks, but I'm at the point where I can't even find what is underneath the masks for more than 1 hour. Unfortunately for me, I lie because abusers will always try to hurt you if you say the truth.
*"Why You Can’t Stop Wearing a Mask"* Aha I see what you did there 😆 Seriously, this was definitely insightful, even as someone who's been aware of putting authenticity at the forefront for the right reasons.
I think the solution is authenticity with concessions. You choose what you care to share and what you don’t want to share. Also sometimes you might not like how your “authentic “ self thinks, so is it really you if you don’t like how they think 🤔? I’d argue that sometimes our mask can also be how we want to be. Sometimes we enjoy the convenience of our masks. In a way the masks have become a part of us. That said when we got to the food discussion I realized I got no issue telling someone when i really dislike something like food. If I don’t like it I will not eat it. I don’t care about your feelings when it comes to something like food. If my body is telling me no I’m going to agree with it. I won’t be brutal unless I’m caught completely off guard and it’s that bad. Side note if anyone can’t deny something due to an allergy out of kindness…..they will likely die from their allergy lmao 😅
Realistically, authenticity is something that can only be afforded by those with power. Whether that power comes in looks, intelligence, charisma, wealth, or status, it doesn't matter. If you have a quality that will grant you success no matter your behavior, it doesn't matter if you're authentic or not. The unfortunate fact is that most of us lack these qualities in sufficient magnitude by the laws of statistics, so the majority of us will have to be less authentic to survive in this world.
I think even when it’s positive feedback it can be uncomfortable. Like maybe early on people got mad at you when you succeeded, or placed even more expectations on you. As a result, you don’t want praise or scorn. You just want to go unnoticed.
there was a case a few years at my uni of a student who was failing his exams but he couldn't tell his friends and parents. the thing spiraled so much out of control that it got to the point where he was supposed to graduate and everybody was coming to celebrate, but he wasn't even close so on the graduation date he jumped off the roof. i remember my automation professor spending like 40 minutes of class talking about it and begging us to seek help when we need it
You may want to put a disclaimer for sensitivity above your story my friend
I've heard similar stories to this one. Such as students wanting to swap majors or schools, but are unable to or afraid because of the expectations put on them by their parents and guardians. It becomes so severe to the point where they just run away and end up god knows where. It's tragic, but they think it's the only way they can protect themselves mentally and sometimes physically. And sadly, sometimes they're right about that judgement.
@@dmax1 While I do appreciate your concern for others, and your politeness in how you asked. It has been shown in several studies that putting 'warnings' before sensitive material has little, to no effect and can actually increase distress.
What help you gonna get? Maybe it is because I don't live in the US or whatever but, honestly, what help will you get? You won't get any help. Family and friends are always there locking you in, no one is going to give you money to be free from them or give you a job that won't just burn you out quick because it is something you're interested in. No one is going to help. Will talking to a therapist help? Fuck no. The therapist isn't gonna fix the problem of a bunch of harmful people causing codependency. All you can do is try to withstand until you can free your self, and if you can't.. 🤷🏽 Some people just don't get it. Sure, some of these people who are causing the codependency can be reasoned with but it never clicks in their brain, this person will literally leave life if I don't stop my BS. They think it is something to just throw aside and continue their BS. It is sad but it is something so many experience, too many.
That’s horrible.
He escaped his problems all the way of a roof. Life’s tough.
This proves the importance of dealing with your problems instead of running away from them and also the importance of not being a judgemental person so that other people feel safe to open up to you.
The end portion really struck for me hearing so many people these days describe themselves as "brutally honest" , when in reality they're far more interested in the brutal aspect than the honesty, because otherwise they'd find a way to be honest when it was needed while still being conscious and compassionate of the other person. This isn't to say that sometimes what someone needs is the blunt truth, but there are almost always ways to approach the truth without being completely inconsiderate of how the other person may feel or understand the situation.
I feel this so much. Most of my life I've been told I come off too mean when saying what I believe to be the truth (sometimes with intention and sometimes without) and have slowly been adjusting my vocabulary to sound less mean. You don't have to sugar coat your words, but you can choose your words better.
Your comment resonated with me. I think a lot of people who have been lied to/have had the trust they'd given to a person abused in their lives might be so traumatized from that experience of being lied to, that they'd get hyper-focused on being truthful and telling the truth at all times. At least that's an interpretation I've made interacting with people I've met who are like that. Anyhow, I guess it's also about where you draw the line between being 'polite' and 'lying to someone's face'. How much can you embellish the truth, in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings, while remaining within the morally accepted margin?
That was a pleasant comment to read, you communicate in an eloquent and concise manner. Nicely done.
Yup, bingo
True. But the thing is. Usually when ppl are forced to being honest about he doesnt want to tell. There's a pressure in her chest when he/she want to talk about it. And this unconciously make their tone and intonation high. Its one package that ppl will experience when they want to be perfectly honest. That is why ppl grouping it together.
But the thing is. Actually we dont need to be perfectly honest and thats okay. If we can be honest 100% of the time, maybe you're an angel or prophet lol. Which is not. We are human, we are not perfect, and that is why sometimes we use mask.
The point is not to stop wearing mask, but to realize that you are CHOOSE to wear that mask, and prepared to get the consequences with open heart.
"Appreciate what they did for you. Not what you got out of it." That was so helpful and beautifully started 😍😍😍
I had been doing this way before watching this video, and I tell you by experience, it's really good for all your relationships. It also helps you kinda see which relationships are unhealthy.
Actual example: My aunt got me animal print leggings for Christmas. The day after I told her "Auntie, I appreciate the leggings, but I'm not fond of animal print."
She tried to convince me it didn't look like animal print... when it was clearly leopard print.......
I told my parents I was fine not because I loved and cared for them but mostly because I don’t want to talk about it because they never understood the issue or would just write it off, give me some lecture, or tell a story about when they were young that isn’t relevant.
So I learned to keep it all in because no one would understand it. And they wonder why I say nothing, it’s because they don’t help they just make it worse
i can relate
the not understanding and irrelevant rants is a boomer thing.
The thing about them comparing their struggles to yours in a ‘suck it up’ manner is specially frustrating. My parents like to talk about how there were not as many service jobs back in their day vs how now there’s everywhere when those jobs are still very badly paid and very exploitative, and back in their day there were less college graduates and therefore more positions for better paying jobs, I especially hate it because their solution for every lost young person they see is for them to get a college degree and a job in that field.
I can relate my friend, it's hard
Yes when i told with my parents or grandparents about some problem they are usually like during war we did not have much money and there was bombing and family members were in prison so you just need to overcome it. :D I am like okay. .D
I did that pretending to go to uni thing too.. Definitely the worst time of my life. The shame you feel is absolutely overwhelming. It ended when I literally had to hide from my parents who came back early when I was supposed to be at a test. They found me because my shoes and backpack were still there.
Oh man. That must’ve been horrible to go through
That's what happened with that Jennifer pan or whatever her name is and then she killed her parents
I remember the first semesters were specially rough on me and I wouldn’t talk about it with my parents, I ended up hiding from everyone, not attending class until it all came to the surface. It ended up being ok and tbh I still have problems initiating final projects or starting tests because I get the feeling that I’ve never known what I’m doing and get such a relief when I do it fine.
recently I've been trying to get used to hugs, it's not that I dont like them and in fact I do really enjoy them but there is always this feeling of sort of regret that came afterward (probably thinking I somehow did it wrong or that I bother them in some way).
Well recently I started asking some friends for hugs from time to time and told them to hug me whenever they feel like it, and Im glad to say that the feeling of regret is getting smaller bit by bit.
Im really happy about it and even feel less lonely. So yeah, I guess it works being honest
this is so wholesome i love it, thanks for sharing and hopefully you get over your regret soon :)
Hell yeah, good for you mate! :D
I feel like it’s tough to talk about these small things because it’s kinda awkward and it makes me feel vulnerable. maybe it’s more so for guys but yeah i think it would be good if more people where open about these sort of things.
@@theoofsweden not so much only for guys (not all the time at least) , Im a girl so it is kinda weird for other people that Im not expressive or "caring" since physical contact is more of a women thing apparently.
It is hard to talk about stuff like this but in my experience once you start to open up it gets easier, and yeah im aware that sadly as a man that can be seen as somehow bad, but really how bad can it be when after a hug you can feel so good?
Might be harder for you to ask for a hug and not be seen as some kind of weirdo, but Im sure there's people out there that will understand you.
So thank you for sharing that and good luck !
:)
The struggling with telling parents things is so real. Personally I've done it for so long that I've developed the belief that the human psyche isn't built to carry other people's burdens as well. The only way I'll get out of that is by going to a therapist because I pay them to do so
quite simply, your brain is yours, the connection between yourself and other people is a social one and often social interactions are based on concessions/rules, if those concessions don't accurately reflect what's going on internally then it's been my experience that it can cause tension. It's not that the human psyche is incapable of carrying a burden more than the mechanisms by which those burdens are carried are predominantly personal, internal and very difficult to communicate. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to focus on myself and be a bit more selfish in taking liberties with those everyday concessions. Eventually it all balanced back out to normal and I have a much better understanding now of what it takes to communicate those deeper feelings without having to worry about other people at all. I understand what I need from other people and what they expect of me and that's that. Just be patient and stay strong and you'll get there✌(◔◡◔)✌
I told my parents multiple times they shamed the shit outta me so i stopped
@@PostModernTruth THIS
@@wildeskompositum9556 Same. I lied to them to spare their feeling AND protect mine. 90% my friends hardly know me. Going therapy was the best because I felt like I could be honest and "bore them" with my authentic self.. Even there I could see myself trying to make me look like a professional person instead of myself. I had to admit it to my therapist so she would discount the impression I'm giving off and not assume I have myself together.
”I’ve developed the belief that the human psyche isn’t built to carry other people’s burdens”.
What do you mean when you say ”burden”?
And also why couldn’t the human psyche be built for that i don’t understand.
I needed this video so much. I've always had problems with being terrified of confrontation, caused by a strict and sheltered upbringing. I've learned to act timid around people to avoid upsetting anyone. It's manipulation, it's not what I'm really like. And I love the way Dr K explains that here.
It really is, but if no ones advocating for you then people will take things or exploit that kindness. Learning to set boundaries matters.
Many people this day will and some kind of targeting you if you being polite and kind, we kind a had to learn and train ourself in some sort of boundaries training or somethin...
"I've never wanted to be able to eat these nuts more than now"
I loved the whole video but I will always appreciatte how your inner child is always there to take advantage of these Jokes
As someone who is very allergic to nuts, that one hit home really hard. Also as someone with Arab ancestry, it sucks to not be able to eat a typical Arab dessert since most arabic pastries have nuts 🙃
@@kaledzarzar453 That sounds awful. I wonder if there's any way around it? A way to tweak the recipes to not have nuts somehow? Artificial nuts? Who knows.
@@MrGamelover23 Honestly, I've never given it much thought. When it comes to tweaking recipes, I automatically tend to ignore the "nutty" recipes and I only pay attention to recipes that don't look "nutty", so when they do have nuts, it is in very low quantities, so I just leave them out assuming that it isn't crucial to the recipe itself.
Still, my past girlfriends, when they wanted to make something that relied heavily on nuts and wanted to make me feel included, they'd usually substitute them with nut-free granola, oatmeal or roasted beans. They say that it isn't so bad, but it's better with nuts.
And the idea of artificial nuts, it has never even crossed my mind before, so I don't have any idea about it, but I feel like if there were good progress on that, I would have heard about it, so I'm not very optimistic on it :(. It's a good idea though, if anyone has any good info about it, I'm genuinely interested in it.
I was laughing like a middle schooler at this one 🤣🤣🤣
He made me laugh when he said you do you haters gonna hate
Every single video has helped me more than you'll ever know Dr k, even this one where I clicked thinking "oh this might not be for me so let's learn about someone else" ended up being "holy shit I need to take all these masks off" being from internal feelings not being presented to the outside world within my relationships. One thing that's been sinking me like a damn anchor is doing stuff for my parents over the years and ignoring my internal passion to do completely something else, where now I have so much shame and guilt from it piling on for so long. Tonight I'll talk to them and let them know how I'm feeling and the road forward thanks to this video, I don't want to live a life anymore that feels like every day is too much weight to carry.
How did it go?
@@4xzx4 Forgive me for I'm a month late but it went extremely well, all those pent up emotions I felt were released and I felt closer to both of my parents. I've discussed with them my interest to finally grow as an individual and pursue my career and experience what life has to offer both ups and downs on my journey. Both of them were very understanding and had given their own feelings on what was happening lately which felt good.
Yeah, recently told my parents I'm not fine. Hard as **** man. My mask is off now though. The news hit them like a truck. They are still healing. I told them for over 10 years I was fine when I was serverely depressed and other things. The lies built up. My father took it the hardest... His number one lesson in raising me and my sister is don't lie except for the little white lies. One month later our relationship has healed and is better than ever. It's 100% worth it but wow so hard man.
The therapist I see combines Schema therapy in our sessions, this masking habit is what I understand as me abandoning myself (specifically my “child self”) also meaning my needs, because that is the behaviour that I had to repeat in order to receive love from those around me.
I realised only after therapy that I actually wear this mask all the time, ESPECIALLY when I’m newly dating someone. And this results in me having constantly in the past end up with someone who has been kind of a jerk or in desperate need of help/support and I was constantly left drained and empty and sad, because they never from the start considered that I may have needs because I never communicated them at the beginning and would always throw my needs out the back end and only consider the other person’s.
In some cases when the person/guy was a jerk, as soon as I’d express anything about my needs I was called “selfish”, “inconsiderate”, “a bad friend” etc.
And that’s how, the vicious cycle of self abandonment continues! Because then there’s more shame! More pushing my needs and wants and boundaries and basically my existence on the back burner.
Trusting that I can REALLY exist, instead of being parasitically strangled, and still be loved, is something I’m still working on. And it’s scary.
Thank god for therapy.
The age of authenticity is over. It has become the era of profile building. Its like we all know everyone is faking it and genuinely faking it. Maybe now being authentic is to know you can only TRY to figure things out.
'trying', good. No results, just the path. Excellent.
I was pretty sure the 1990s and 2000s were about authenticity, not caring about appearances. It was open discussions and speaking out about injustices of the past and saying things how they are. What happened close to 2015, you can't call China China or you can't call Russia Russia.
@@hufficag people use to lie way more, because you couldnt go on the internet and fact check. So this is not true at all...
@@alexn5501 lol people can't fact check worth shit
I dunno I have friends that I genuinely believe are authentic because they are too different than "normal" people to not be. You just have to find the people you vibe with imo.
Yes, I've been wearing masks since 2019 first to reduce my anxiety. Then covid happened and wearing masks were mandatory. And now I'm still wearing masks because I've gotten so used to it.
._.
@D A I D O haha yes i was thinking for 3mins okay but when come the masks into play
I think real or metaphorical, we wear masks because we are used to it, and society demands it.
It's weird but i feel more comfortable wearing a mask while talking to someone. haha Never weared a mask before covid.
I just wanna say I feel so grateful to be able to watch this video and being able to practice it in my day to day life. Not everyone have a safe environment to be authentic and I pray you all can finally have that safe environment.
"And that karma will reap its fruit"
And his fruit was bittermelon lol
Being authentic is an extremely lonely path... The narrow-minded will call you boring, but the open-minded will say that being authentic makes you the most intriguing/mysterious. The only problem with that is, it's unpredictable, and unpredictability or things that people don't understand, are "scary". A person who's always inauthentic, you can predict and brush off as fake. Meanwhile, someone who is authentic, all you can do is trust. In this day and age, so many people get played by "fake authenticity" that it makes real authenticity that much harder to detect and therefore that much more terrifying to trust.
Just wanted to stop in here and say I thought this was articulated nicely and it really helped me connect some ideas. Authenticity definitely can be lonely. The way I see it, if you're really being authentic, it will probably become more difficult to find good friends and romantic partners. After all, most inauthenticity is sort of (misguidedly) done to aid in building relationships. So it can be difficult to find good matches while being authentic, especially if your authentic self has a lot of variation from more common personalities.
But the upside to that... Is that when you do find people, they are much more likely to be an excellent match for you!
So in a way, authenticity acts as a filter that directs less people your way, but the average match quality is much higher per incoming person.
With that said, when our authenticity meter detects a false positive, it's a really sad and potentially dangerous thing to our own ability to trust. Completely agree.
Thanks, good to meet you. Wishing you health and wealth. And the bravery to live authentically!
I don't know what people mean by authentic. What if someone wants to authentically cheat on their spouse? I think authenticity is a modern buzzword to describe what they think is the opposite of social anxiety.
This is great advice. I was actually doing something similar to the guy you mentioned. I had to take a semester off from college here and there, but I kept up the lie that I was going strong and getting close to finishing. It wasn't fun, but I thought it was necessary l. Eventually I changed my degree which ment it would take a good deal longer to finish school, but it also signaled a turning point where I would just straight up say that. And it felt sooooooo much better. It felt like correcting a wrong, which it kinda was
the hard thing about being authentic is to understand when, until which point and most importantly WHOM with you’re being so.
The risk is for authenticity to shift into exposing your weaknesses, if you're not careful enough, which sometimes is good but sometimes is really bad.
The problem is showing those weaknesses to people who is willing to use them against you or with people who just want to have a "chat" and not really want to know the story of your life.
Being authentic in the sense of being “yourself” can be sometimes an obstacle when setting boundaries.
It is all about finding the right balance: try to be authentic but also respectful of yourself and the others.
Way too many people are being fake the whole time and it is being so normalized, that many wish to be lied to instead of hearing the truth. Lying is not that big of a deal for some.
Social media of course plays a gigantic role in all this mess, obviously, but I don't think is the root cause of it. I think is more a mirror of society.
Straight honest people will not have so many "friends" and it may be really stressing and feel unrewarding sometimes, but the few friends that are staying with you despite being authentic are the one you can really count on, or at least this was my experience.
Maybe I’m being way too emotional writing this as this was what my experience was like so you shall take it with a grain of salt. I’m sure I am mixing things up but probably many of you can relate to this and put it into better words.
Don't worry, you worded this nicely. Good job, ragazzo :) That whole part about a lack of authenticity being a mirror of society resonated with me.
It's so much easier to go through life wearing a mask and hiding parts of who we -truly- are (which we worry others may judge or dislike us for). But any time I tried that, it felt wrong in my soul and I felt as though I wasn't living MY life. It felt like I was lying to myself and to others. Over time I came to the conclusion that what's more important for me is not what others think of me, but instead staying true in who I am and the things I stand for - regardless of whether people like that or not.
Have u been able to fully live like this while it's been getting easier? Or has it become harder because you're more aware of certain stuff u do combined with having the realization that u do care about what other people think? For me it's the latter
I just went through a painful experience over the last 6 weeks due to this exact behavior. I would say that the behavior went both ways between me and a girl that I was interested in, however it was definitely more-so the girl's behavior. I originally matched with her on Hinge, and we met up last November. Afterwards, she said to me via text that she was just "looking for friends". I took that at face value, and 4 months later I decided to check up on her and see how she was doing (as a friend). She then told me she was going through a heartbreak and that "it takes time for her to get feelings for others" and that she "wanted to get to know me". In that moment, I couldn't bring myself to ask for clarification and be honest with her about my feelings/intentions as she was going through a heartbreak and I wanted to give her space. However, in doing so, that gave me some karma knowing that over time I could develop actual feelings and get myself hurt. About 3 weeks passed and we were doing a lot of activities together (tennis, dancing, rock climbing, friend meetups, a convention, etc) and I was being very obvious with my interest in her. She was also giving a lot of mixed signals. But then when I was being direct with her and asking her if we could talk in person, she had a hard time bringing herself to do so. She is a very conflict-avoidant person, and she has used white lies in the past to control the feelings of others and make sure they don't get hurt. However, it seemed like she did not want to confront the situation with me and hurt my feelings (she did friendzone me later on) - 3 weeks had passed where she was intentionally ignoring the messages specifically addressed at talking about us, but she did still yes to group events. I eventually got to tell her how I felt after that time had passed, but it really hurt that she couldn't bring herself to be honest with me earlier on. I know that I could have talked with her sooner to protect myself, but I was also trying to be mindful of her feelings. Many of my friends said that it was right for me to hold off on asking her about it, so I don't really regret it. It is a very difficult situation, especially when you are with that person you care about so much in person. Basically, the first 3 weeks, we did activities, then at the end of the 3rd week I wanted to tell her how I felt, but then it dragged on for 3 more weeks with a lack of communication/honesty/conflict avoidment that hurt me because of the anxiety/feeling of betrayal with trust as a friend. I understand why she didn't want to confront the situation, but at the same time she disregarded my feelings and, as a friend, it felt like I was being pushed under a rug. It doesn't feel good. I don't resent her for it - humans are complicated and people have their reasons. She definitely hurt me though even if unintentional, and it could have been avoided. I learned that the lack of communication and honesty though will definitely cause more bad than good over time, and that there ARE ways to approach the truth without being completely inconsiderate of the other person. Both of us could have done better, though I feel like she could have done a lot more on her end with it. (also, she revealed to me after I confessed that our first meetup was in fact a date, so I got rejected twice LOL it was a very unfortunate experience).
I feel like the Swami story is very famous here in India, I've heard it multiple times with different variations and back stories but always involving bitter melon and getting it more than you ever want lol
I had a professor in college with almost the same story. He was studying in China for a year or something when he was young. And his Chinese was ok, but not great. And obviously this was way before the internet where you can just look something up if you forget. So when his host mother asked what foods he liked, he meant to say watermelon (xi gua) but instead he said bitter melon (ku gua). And everywhere he went, his host mother phoned ahead to tell them how much he loved bitter melon.
thought this was about a covid mask for a second
Same lol
Samee
Samee
same lol
Same
I've been working on this for the past few years and I am so much more relaxed than I used to be. I used to have anxiety and panic attacks but now I'm honest most of the time and don't feel like a fraud everyday anymore. I still am not honest 100% of the time, but life is a ton less horrifying being honest and knowing it will likely be okay to be me.
Good luck to everyone. I'd start with your mom, then dad, then really close friends then others.
Start with the people who will eventually forgive you but still biologically love you.
Dude this video paired with the emotional availability video is so good for getting the ball rolling. The emotional availability video I think discusses tools you can use to be compassionate while this video provides good reason to start being honest. The skill sets compliment each other well in my opinion, it’s really cool
4:12 .. :(
6:50 correcting that falsehood, pain
i appreciate this being categorised as wearing a mask, not simply 'lying'
bc ig its not so simple. & this separates the immediate shame from the thought of past experiences.
7:50 .. continuing living the lie, creating backlog of karmic debt
delaying pain, for u & others
10:20 making amends, help w sobriety 11:15 paying that price, it hurts, but...
12:50 too much karmic debt: its ok.
13:50 ! where to start, when parents call, ask u how u are, be honest.
18:00 bittermelon story
20:20 sowing the seeds for ur future, karma
22:10 being disrespectful: truth subject to non violence 23:40 u can say that, honesty w/o hurt
speaking the truth, w compassion
recognise u cant control someone else's reaction; X making yourself responsible for other ppl's reactions 25:10
25:45 'not working yet, but thankyou'
start w the smallest thing of authenticity,
how can i say [this] w compassion + honesty?
acknowledge where they're coming from
27:50 😂
28:50 *U can appreciate what they did for u, not what u got out of it*
This channel is just my therapy at this point
I have kind of the opposite problem compared to the OP. I'm wearing a mask before other people and this makes me boring and unable to open up. I have a hard time starting meaningful relationships because of that. It was bugging me for so long and I just can't get rid of my mask. When I try to be authentic people just think of me as gross, weird or inconsiderate. So I put on the mask and become a boring NPC.
you have a pretty icon
@@vivvy_0 Thanks, it's my favourite vtuber Tokoyami Towa
When you’re on your deathbed are you going to thank yourself for living authentically or in regret that you spent your whole life being somebody that you never liked?
@@dandan-ww6lz Well I hope that I will thank myself for being authentic. This thought legit made me more motivated to try to find my true self.
You might have to replace some of the people around you. They chose to be around the mask because they like it, but you will find other people who would rather choose to be around your authentic self than the mask.
I really thought Dr. K was gonna talk about literal masks huh
But this is great too 😌
Same LUL I was like, "Oh Dr.K is talking about pandemic/post-pandemic.." xD
@@mhsFifteen Emotional damage
At least I'm not alone 🙈🙈
Same lol
You are not alone lol
Yo that authenticity vs violence part is exactly what I needed today!
I have experiences with people being rude when asking a favor. I never realized this was violence before!
A lot of my karma-debt is the resentment I've built up. I feel like I am being walked over constantly, and that I am expected to give more.
I will try not to meet violence with violence; But now I know I don't need to tolerate rudeness.
Couldn't have had this recommended at a better time. I'm coming clean with my dad that my already extended 6 year undergrad in engineering will become 6.5. I've wanted to make him so proud and he already deals with a bunch of stuff in our family. It's hard, but I know it's gonna make me feel better
the problem i have is being honest with my grandmother, i'm very honest with my own mom because she makes me feel comfortable about being myself.
but my grandmother is old and lowkey naive to other people's feelings and actions.
she asks me why i haven't gotten a job yet and i COULD tell her that i'm depressed and i don't wanna work a entry level job that will undeniably make me EVEN MORE depressed but then she might just say i'm lazy and make me feel like shit cuz i'm not acting the way she wants me to.
it just feels like being honest isn't gonna help cuz she'll just ignore everything i say and use the "lazy" argument.
But did you try it tho? Or is your mind just telling you what will happen instead of trying ? In my case going out there doing something and stop being a "burden" to my parents help me so mutch... And who know's maybe you find some new friends
@@delson1492 im working up to it but it's not easy, everything requires money, which i don't mind if getting a job that acknowledges my skills wasn't so hard. but it is which means i have to get a document from a college that says i know what i know even though i already knew it before going to said college....
sorry for the long text.
There's an animation called Ident by Aardman Animations. It perfectly shows what is being explained here, people wearing masks in front of each other.
☝️☝️☝️THISSS☝️☝️☝️
i had no idea what it meant as a kid but as an adult its fantastic!! aardman have done so many good movies!!
@@timmybus21 Me too! I watched it as a child, and only recently I understood the real meaning behind it.
@@sepia2227 it was surreal watching it again 20 years later!! the images were burned into my brain and i forgot about it haha!
For all these videos dr k, i thank you very much, ive developed pretty bad anxiety after a recent breakup, these videos have been very helpful in me being a better human being.
Ur channel is so important! I hope u see that. It seems like u have compiled the perfect psychoanalysis for our generation and the way u explain and the examples u use makes it so its 100% reflective and that it is understood on multiple levels! Thank u for following ur destiny!
How do you begin living authentically when from the start of your life you learned to modify yourself in order to avoid life-threatening conflict with those closest to you who were supposed to protect you but ended up making you afraid and fearful of people? That's what I kind of want to figure out before I kick the bucket old and alone :) Even now when I know that I shouldn't do it I keep modifying myself subconsciously around people.. most times I just end up not saying anything out of mental fatigue from all this restraining.
It's kind of hard to 'just be yourself' as the kids say these days when all your life you have been suppressing yourself.. and when you start looking for it you end up even more confused. It's just a ball of confusion made from external ideas and beliefs.. I guess that's why it's so easy to stay in a mindless bubble and consume Netflix all day.
I think a better question is - How do you know where the mask ends and you begin?
I've been working on recovering from CPTSD, and cultivating compassionate authenticity has been one of the hardest and most rewarding practices I've found in my recovery.
So much of my behavior has been motivated by an attempt to control my environment and other people's perceptions of me to hold onto the pleasure of attachments and not experience the pain of being triggered.
As I've practiced meditation, I've begun to notice more and more that I am actually safest and most cherished precisely when I am not trying to control anything. I have also found I recieve far more grace and forgiveness when I can own the fact that I can't always help that I am occasionally reactive and difficult to be around, and that while my behavior is my responsibility, it's not always reflection of who I am as a person.
What's most incredible is that in cultivating this self comparison, I've been able to extend that compassion out to others too. That is really handy because I tend to resonate with other self-aware trauma survivors, so our relationships can get a little volatile at times 😅😅
The point about the need to speak the truth to develop compassionate skill with compassionate language is super important. How can you learn to be truly compassionate if you just constantly lie to people's faces? We live in a society (in the USA at least) where people are so comfortable with regularly lying to spare people's feelings that they actually come to expect it from others. People understand that if someone has something on their face that is embarrassing in one situation, it is impolite to not tell them but then they expect people to do almost the same thing for them in a million different ways.
sounds a bit like japanese culture of always being polite and not distrubing the peace
"appreciate what they did for you, not what you got out of it" well said. i loved the story xD
I really enjoy your videos, they help me a lot with my recovery and understanding myself. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us!
I went in to my final English exams in gray sweatpants and an old hoodie. Everyone wore suits and had great looking fresh hair cuts. Why did I pick my attire? It was comfortable. I had a fun talk with the ladies inside, and I nigh got max points. I'm sure as hell if I wore something I hated I'd have stressed and botched something. I just be myself at all times. I just tell people if I feel bad. Good way to sort them out too, because if they don't really care about me, they will just keep a distance after a negative discussion. It looks very scary at first, but this is what freedom is, and God see my soul, I'd not go back.
i don’t fully believe you i detect some ego in there lol
@@theoofsweden every one of us has some amount of ego
@@gallo123 Yes I agree with that, but what’s your point?
Who the fk wears a suit to an exam...
@@theoofsweden More like, what's *your* point? How does him having an ego make his claim to try and be authentic at all times less believable? :D
I miss seeing chat in the videos. 😔 The stuff people wrote in there made me laugh to tears sometimes.
Jordan Peterson says stop doing the things that make you feel weak. This video Pretty much sums it up
Every video Dr. K releases becomes more and more relavent to the struggles I'm dealing with.
My authenticity is to behave exactly what I want, no matter how different it is from other environments. It is important to not lie, your charisma level is changeable, so dont worry
This is something I struggle with (and as a gay guy has been compounded from years of being closeted) as well people pleasing.... which is related to authenticity. 'Your mind will think about how the other person will react to what you say.... You are setting yourself up for karmic problems down the line." Learnt this the hard way
Props to Shawn Mendes for being vulnerable and posting his struggle with this btw. Fan of him and his music.
Bitter Melon is SUCH a great analogy. I'm remembering that for life.
I can be 100% honest about everything with anyone, except about my own emotions :(
I can relate to this
@@hhTHEBOSSANATERh unfortunate
This really hits close to home. I feel as if my mask grows with time. With that, my anxiety and stress grows aswell. Hopefully it will be better in the future. Thank you Dr K.
I don't think it's growing, I think you might be becoming more aware of what it affects/that it holds you back in more ways than you thought. I actually had a good cry last night about something similar to the topic. Anyway you know best.
@@deadinside8781 I’ve definitely become more self aware about my feelings and my general issues. I’ve been trying to confront these issues but it will definitely take some time. I hope all is well for you.
I couldn't believe how wearing a mask affecting my life. It came to light that this is why I would overeat because I couldn't lean on other people and would always lie about my struggles particularly to my family and friends. Recently I tried making little changes and would just say how I'm actually feeling. This actually made me less prone to overeat because I don't feel as much as a fraud, now that I am being honest to others around me. The thought of wanting to lie to stop others from showing a negative reaction is so subtle though, which is why it had caused so many problems in my life, and am on the path of healing now
Personally speaking, I feel like being authentic is good in small to medium doses, and it's plenty good with people that you really love, i/e loved ones or family, that's great, good friends, that's great. I feel like some sort of authenticity must get lost in between society at some point, but if you can withhold some of that authentic in ur life, then by all means, do it. As long as you think it's not gonna bother anybody out of ur loved ones spectrum, then I think it should be okay. It's a simple concept, but that's about it, it depends on the person if it's either easy or hard for them to do. Overall being authentic should be all fine with the ones that you feel like you can be that way.
The TL;DR compilation at the beginning is much better than the previous intros with just a single clip out of context.
Even though being authentic and respectful, it's not easy, because people really can see things differently and the make it your fault how they perceive you. I had some troubles at work because some people saw every non-praise comment like an attack.
thought this meant a physical mask and felt called out for still wearing a mask in public even though no one else is lmao
Oof. I love how personally called out I feel by Dr. K's videos and the timing of them. Been just working through some similar things and it's also good to have Dr. K's perspective
I really lit up when Dr. K mentioned he's from Gujarat. I am from Gujarat too :) and have always suspected him to be a Gujarati too somehow idk but feels good man. Kem Cho Alokbhai? Majama?
(I learn a lot through all these videos and make notes of stuff worth remembering too)
Keep up the good work! Love from Gujarat
Sum good advice, "appreciate their gesture, not what you got out of it"
Authenticity is knowing who you are ❤ it ain't easy being honest with yourself
Here are two things that helped me a bit:
"You know when you put on a mask. Notice these moments."
"Try to not be anyone at all."
I'm not very observant so I've been wondering why your videos suddenly feel so much more chill and cool and I just realized the decor behind you is completely changed from what you used to have a while back.
How long has it been? lol.
But man I like it a lot, it looks so cozy and comfortable and the lighting is the cherry on top.
I prefer to say that the glass is not half full or empty - it's generally always full. Just because it doesn't fully contain liquid doesn't mean it isn't also likely full of something else we need (sometimes you need to take a break from school, sometimes you need to quit that job, etc.). It reminds me of the concept of Aristotle's central ethical concept of "happiness" (or more specifically eudaimonia) in which the point is to view one's life as a whole and not separate it - personal vs public or professional or duty vs pleasure. AA likely works because the human relationships allow walls to break down and separate forms of the self to integrate and solidify into a stronger form.
So it's kind of like the difference between just being a "nice" person and bring a "kind" person.
I can recommend 3 films on the topic of people who invent a successful professional situation for their family and friends: The Adversary by Nicole Garcia, Time Out by Laurent Cantet, and The Human Part by Juha Lehtola. They really translate well this concept of karmic debt, how psychologically destructive it is to live that way.
I'm reminded of that scene from Mad Men (any Mad Men fans here?) where Don reveals his true self to his clients and colleagues with absolutely disastrous results.
My youngest son sent me this video for mothers day.. I told both my sons tell me the truth. If you make a mistake it's a mistake. But if you lie about it then I'm gonna be upset... he was not being authentic but maybe I was too busy to hear him that one moment. But I also defended him so many times from his older brother and his father. He still likes them. I'm Gen x so we all real here.
this bittermelon pickle story is my favorite he's ever told omg
"Now, in the same way, I've often said life is a drama, and a drama is a deception. It's a big act. When you peel an onion, and you don't really understand the nature of an onion, you might look for the pit in the centre, like any ordinary fruit has. But the onion doesn't have a centre. It's all skins. And so, when you get right down, there's nothing but a bunch of skins. You say, Well, that was kind of disappointing. But, of course, you have to understand that the skins were the part that you eat.
Well, in rather the same way, you see, you find-when you explore yourself, and your motivations, and you go through and through-and you try to find out that thing which is really genuine. That's why, in Zen discipline, they give you kōans which require a perfectly genuine act. An act of total and absolute sincerity. And people knock themselves out trying to do this thing, but they always know that the master is going to catch them, because he reads their thought. Do you know that story of von Kleist, about the man who had a fight with a bear? And the bear could read his thoughts, so that the only way of hitting the bear was to do so not on purpose-because the bear would know in advance. So it's the same in working with a Zen master. You have to do the genuine act not on purpose. But since you're put in a situation where it's rather formal, and you're supposed to do it on purpose, you're stuck, you see? So you explore the onion, and you go in, and in, and in, and then you find-well, it's all a deception!"
- Alan Watts
The Web of Life, Part 11: A Perfectly Genuine Act
3:31 - 4:22 i realised i came to the right talk when you precisely described my situation here
This is such a great and important topic! Thank you Dr. K
Trust gets you killed, Love gets you hurt, and being real gets you hated
no winning
Can get you killed to
Such edge
Life gets you death
@@letsreadtextbook1687you’ll get it one day kid
Dr K these videos are super helpful. But please work in some interviews too 🙏🏼🙏🏼
The more authentic you become the more resistance you face from inauthentic people.
Thank you for Swami's story and narration....
lol, I came here expecting something about medical masks and I got something else that I really needed. Thanks
When a new HGGG video drops and the title is directly calling you out.
Dr K back with another video addressing something I needed to hear
The present sucks more often than we realize. We are programmed to think more fondly of the past so it’s only natural that we think telling the truth and being authentic is less work and pain than we might initially think.
Hey HealthyGamerGG crew! Love the addition of music at the start of your videos, it fits so well! What would make it even better for me were if you credited the artist and put their name and the song title in the description!
People who have been in hostile environments for a long time such that they can’t stop acting a certain way because the mask was necessary (which is the point of the song I will reference): That’s what the point of the mask is.
For 40 years I have been inauthentic. It stops now, I will not pander to what I think other wants out of me no more. I will speak my mind from now on.
My grandma would always ask if I was fine, but she also used to make it seem like thinking of suicide is a disgrace so I never really told her until I didn’t care anymore
The bitter melons story reminds me of when I was a kid and had dinner at a friends house. I forget what the dish was but I do remember there was whole pieces of ginger in it. I didn’t want to be rude and I ate all the food including the ginger. It wasn’t until after and the mom informed me I wasn’t supposed to eat the ginger. I liked the food, just didn’t really feel good eating all the ginger.
this video is perfectly timed😔
It sums up most of my issues, and the moment he said “it’s manipulation” i went 😲, because I have lately been feeling manipulative, and that i can literally adjust how people react and perceive things related to me, which isn’t the intention behind it, but it’s just an ability that develops with the dishonesty! And it is starting to make me feel like trash
20:20 no good deed goes unpunished. similarly: what you subsidize you get more of.
I don’t tell my mom I’m fine because I love her, I do it so there’s no repeated annoyance.
Being too authentic can rob you of opportunities, being too fake can lead to a miserable unfulfilling life. There is a balance to be struck, be authentic where you can and be fake where you can be rewarded.
“Don’t give in to your impulse to shape someone else’s behavior. That’s how you live authentically.“
:D
My ex-husband pulled that pretending to go to college thing. Left every day for a semester lying to me about were he was going. Telling me he was going to class when he was at the local game shop playing Warhammer.
The vitamin D thing was an actual thing that happened to me. It's so surprising to see that example being used!
I was confused as to why there was no COVID mask in the thumbnail
lmfao
i thought the video was about those masks lol. and i think it's weird to want to wear a physical mask all the time outside, so i hoped it was about that issue, cuz i have it and think about it.
7:20 dang I just realized I’ve been answering “I don’t know” for literally as long as I remember
It's spooky... I just thought about this in the morning, and guess what Dr. K has made a video on? This exact topic!
God I was such an awful dumb kid. Thanks Dr. K, this stuff really helps.
I hate to admit it but I struggle with the mask thing.... I sometimes feel empty, or an imposter of some kind idk it’s hard to describe but then I also struggle with “people pleasing” and it’s why I continue to do my best to be a better person each day. But it’s hard, especially when people, even my own friend/relatives tell me “you’re so cringe” or “you’re weird af” and yeah, I am aware I am and it’s also something I feel I really need to work on, I guess.
In a way, I'm such a chameleon because of people pleasing, if feels kind of authentic to me as an expression, I have many masks, but I'm at the point where I can't even find what is underneath the masks for more than 1 hour. Unfortunately for me, I lie because abusers will always try to hurt you if you say the truth.
I straight up thought this was about someone wearing a COVID face mask and was afraid to take it off.
*"Why You Can’t Stop Wearing a Mask"*
Aha I see what you did there 😆
Seriously, this was definitely insightful, even as someone who's been aware of putting authenticity at the forefront for the right reasons.
I think the solution is authenticity with concessions. You choose what you care to share and what you don’t want to share. Also sometimes you might not like how your “authentic “ self thinks, so is it really you if you don’t like how they think 🤔?
I’d argue that sometimes our mask can also be how we want to be. Sometimes we enjoy the convenience of our masks. In a way the masks have become a part of us.
That said when we got to the food discussion I realized I got no issue telling someone when i really dislike something like food. If I don’t like it I will not eat it. I don’t care about your feelings when it comes to something like food. If my body is telling me no I’m going to agree with it. I won’t be brutal unless I’m caught completely off guard and it’s that bad.
Side note if anyone can’t deny something due to an allergy out of kindness…..they will likely die from their allergy lmao 😅
Realistically, authenticity is something that can only be afforded by those with power. Whether that power comes in looks, intelligence, charisma, wealth, or status, it doesn't matter. If you have a quality that will grant you success no matter your behavior, it doesn't matter if you're authentic or not. The unfortunate fact is that most of us lack these qualities in sufficient magnitude by the laws of statistics, so the majority of us will have to be less authentic to survive in this world.
are those in power really authentic or do they just play their games to impress one another?
I think even when it’s positive feedback it can be uncomfortable. Like maybe early on people got mad at you when you succeeded, or placed even more expectations on you. As a result, you don’t want praise or scorn. You just want to go unnoticed.