What NOT to say to Autistic People | Woodshed Theory
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- Опубліковано 28 бер 2021
- Hi! I’m Claire, and this is my channel, Woodshed Theory. Here, you will find the awkward ramblings of an adult autist. I love being creative and sharing my experiences with you. Subscribe to see more DIYs, Discussions, and Bunnies on your feed!
Today I am going over my top 5 things you should probably not say to someone on the spectrum. If you have ASD then you have probably heard at least one of these statements. Watch to see what these statements are, how you can avoid them and why, and what you can say to someone instead.
This is a difficult subject to discuss because there are some commonly used terms outside of the ASD community like “high and low functioning” that I don’t agree with but I was struggling to make my point without using them for the explanation. I hope I did alright and you understand what I was trying to convey.
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One of the crappiest things a person can do when you disclose something personal like ASD is for them to go off and tell other people.
Yes you shouldn’t other people it’s your news
This video is gold, thank you. "Everyone's a little bit autistic" is invalidating. The worst part is even my previous therapist told me that.
Yikes! The misinformation is terrifying lol
I had a therapist say that to me as well..and I called her out on it and sent her an article about why autistic people feel invalidated by the statement.
You know, I've found that cognitive behavioral therapy directed at neurotypical people doesn't work on or can harm neurodivergent people. I am open to going back into therapy, but only with someone who specializes on ND.
I wasn’t diagnosed autistic until I was 40 I was born in 1951 Autism sensory issues weren’t recognized until 1980s When I was in my teens I spent years in mental hospital Later outpatient .I had a therapist who believed I chose to =be mentally ill
@@barbaramoran8690 It's terrible, Are you ok now?
I am currently being evaluated for ASD and one of my worries if I end up confirmed as being on the spectrum is that it seems many people believe that “ok so you’re autistic now but it’s not like you’re struggling like crazy so please sit down and let the autistic people with REAL problems be in the spotlight”. Which I also somewhat feel like. Am I struggling? Yes. But am I leading a mostly “normal” life? Also yes. So maybe I don’t deserve bringing attention to myself that way? - then of course I would never think this way about a knot her person on the “high functioning” side. Ugh. Stuff’s hard.
*about another person
It’s so hard! I doubt myself too
Same, my appointment is in a month. Doubts all around my head. It can be so difficult to be as compassionate with ourselves as we are with others. I'm trying to keep that in mind.
You're high functioning, until you're not.
I was always different and knew it. But July 2nd 2019 at 8:38 am that all changed. I am not functioning, because I forgot how to pretend. I can't anymore. I know it's late, but I hope it all went well for you.
And then there's the people where will openly mock you for having autism (generally, they're the same people that are racist, homophobic, etc.) Hasn't happened to me, but I witnessed it at my last job.
Yikes, people can be unbelievable
I have had it happen to me. I have a coworker who knows I don't like my personal space invaded and don't particuarly like being touched by others and she deliberately invaded my space and mussed my hair in front of co-workers because she thought it would be funny and make me "feel included". This person continues to be a workplace bully. This happened shortly after we returned to onsite work post-COVID so it was doubly difficult having to deal with her antics and the stress of being back in a regular social setting after 2.5 years of remote work.
When I try to explain to people some of the different ways I struggle to handle things or process things and the person dismissed by saying “everyone struggles with that” and they discount how it’s different for you. That’s what gets me angry.
That is really awful when it happens. I have found a lot of times when people say this they are unknowingly struggling with an issue as well. They think it's normal but it's not.
Yes, I been told many of the same things... The one of the worst was from my close friend...( I don't really have a close friend...she was in a distant sort of way...etc.)...any way, when I told her she gasped , like oh no... That's horrible !!! ... Well, her reaction almost scared me....& I thought I'm still the same person you've been associating with for a long time...
It can be so hard “coming out” because people really shut you down. I try my best to be understanding.
When I told my therapist that I had discovered that I was autistic she said “oh well you must be high functioning”. I am trying to find a new therapist now who understands autism in women.
Ugh I feel this - when the person who is supposed to get it right gets it wrong
I have a dear friend, 40 yrs my junior, who I've known since his childhood who is autistic. When I was diagnosed, he said, "I've always thought you could be on the spectrum. You're too smart to be neurotypical."
That's an interesting thing to say.
Being referred to as “high functioning” as if it is a compliment is so disrespectful and dismissive.
YES!
One person straight up told me “No, I don’t believe you.” To which I replied- “I’ve had a clinical assessment and diagnosis.” And they said “Still, I don’t think that’s true.”
Another said “well at least it doesn’t affect your life negatively”.
Another saw ‘Mild Autism Spectrum Disorder’ on my report and said “I feel like 90% of people getting tested would get this result. This doesn’t change anything.”
Another read my report and said “everyone has these issues”. I had half a mind to tell him that if he thinks that’s true maybe he should get assessed. I did not say it. I should get a gold star or something.
I got my diagnosis around 3 weeks ago and have told 15 people about it so far. The only person to have a positive reaction was my sister, who is also neurodivergent.
Context is also so important. I’m from India where awareness of autism is much more limited, and as such people are even less sensitive. It’s hard, y’all, especially because I’m so HAPPY to be on the spectrum. Waiting for society to get on board.
Some people are not going to get it - they will refuse to accept it, they will refuse to look at facts. for me i have had to learn to let these people go from my life and not think about that - they are just wrong and that is fine
Here's the worst one ever! "That's not fair that you get an excuse. We all have problems". That was from a so called friend. Not a friend anymore!!
yikes i'm sorry
I have copped that " everyone is on the spectrum" a lot. And my youngest son says "you present more ADHD than autistic" and that's probably true for him, but, to me, I know myself. I figured out my autism way before the adhd, because of my dad and my son (both very obviously autistic) and my mum always telling me how like my father I am.
What I find frustrating is the not being SEEN or the not being understood, because people have a set idea based in rainman or non verbal or more overt stimming behaviour or whatever. I've tried SO HARD to fit in and it's fail, fail, fail, everytime.
My autism is so prevalent to me, it's shaped my whole life, it's caused so many extreme hardships. And being on the outer in everything; my family, my community, my vocation, everything! All except my relationship with another neurodiverse person.
Thankfully, the majority of my children accept me now.
I want to be seen for who I am and that is an autistic Aspie person and having tried to let people know that, it's not gone very well, a lot of the time.
Thank you for sharing, I know that a big part of a dx is disclosure and it is hard to navigate esp. with loved ones.
I never know how to respond to the "High Functioning" nonsense other than "OK, and your point?"
Thanks for the video! It was very helpful and great to know that I'm not the only one frustrated with these responses. 🙂
Hey new friend so happy you commented! You aren’t alone at all - hope to see you around in the comments
I love this video so much! I know people often mean well but having heard most of these things myself, it just feel so incredibly invalidating. This is why when I told a couple of people and got those responses I stopped sharing it with anyone else.
Yes I have a hard time finding my calm when I hear some of these for sure!
I've definitely had a lot if not all of these thrown at me. Because I've known from early on that I was different, I opted to treat anyone exactly the same. I never talked in a weird high-pitched voice to anyone, I never dumbed down my speech for any one. Whether some one has a disability never matter to me we all deserve respect. After my diagnoses last year I got to experience what it feels like when people do that to you. It doesn't feel nice to have someone go "you always seemed so normal" yeah duh I mask when ever I am around you. The functioning nonsense is absolutely one of the worst. You must be high functioning, yeah why is that? My life never felt like I was high functioning. Just because I don't "look" the part according to your stereotypical view of autism? Because I don't come crossed as rain man or Abed from Community(for a more recent example). I've heard "you're autistic, what special ability do you have?" I'm sorry I don't like math I think it's boring, and even if I was good at math and could tell you what the weather was like on 03-24-1986 I wouldn't. I'm not a circus act.
The spectrum isn't viewed as linear anymore this is a better representation of what it is actually like: i.pinimg.com/originals/02/03/47/0203474de69f102b5cbd7610e5f03330.jpg
A person with autism actually can place several markers on what they are dealing with in that chart, some deal with traits that are more severe but all have several traits they can stick a dot on. Note that there is no slice of the pie that says intelligence. A learning disability is a co-morbidity, and while there are a lot of us that have a high Intellect I would not consider this a trait for autism.
Thanks for sharing!
I'd hope they wouldn't treat me like an nt... period have done that my whole life thats why I don't even talk to people anymore
Good point. I wonder what this would look like in practice… I would love to experience this!
A close friend with a brother who is autistic said, "I wouldn't have pegged you as autistic." I think that's perhaps because I don't present like he does. Great video! ❤
Lol pegged what a weird thing to say
@@WoodshedTheoryThat's another good thing not to say to a literal interpreting autistic person.. it sounds just a little.. wrong.
@@mikafoxx2717 😂
For addressing why “you don’t look autistic” is bad, just replace “autistic” in that statement with any of the following words and see how it sounds then.
“You don’t look like a man.”
“You don’t look like a woman.”
“You don’t look Mexican.”
“You don’t look black.”
“You don’t look quadriplegic.”
There is no way to make any of those sound appropriate under any circumstance. The best you could hope for is something like, “You don’t look alcoholic.” But even then, at best, you’re taking the “you don’t look X” part and treating it as if it’s something shameful. That’s literally the best case scenario in saying something like that is that you’re treating it as something shameful and telling the person that they’re good at not letting the world know how shameful they are.
It can never be made to work in a positive way.
Great point thank you for sharing
Oh yeah. What I got from my dad was "no you're not becauee you're smart." I told him that this has nothing to being smart or not. Is he saying my diagnosed autistic children (that are mostly nonverbal) arent smart? My stepmother tried to educate him but he doesn't get it.
I get it
Disclosing my autism at work work in the school system with artistic children bullying, my coworkers been bullying me before disclosure and after they just don’t wanna except me for Rachel, real Neurotypical, don’t want or don’t like change anything different from a norm. They are the ones that have trouble with change. It’s always been done that way to say being an artistic person I have to mask and try to change your truly am on the inside. I try to have conversations trying to make my coworkers understand me better I should have them watch your videos that would be helpful. I’m so glad I found you. I watched your Collabs with Orion and he turned me onto you. Make the community that much better. Thank you for everything you do.
i understand where you are coming from - it is hard to know when to disclose
I told exactly one coworker in a private conversation that I believe I'm autistic and she gave me #1. I was so stunned that she said that to me, I just laughed it off and acted cool, but I cannot talk to her anymore. I don't know how to address this now that it's been months since our conversation, but I'm just so turned off by that ignorance that I feel like the whole relationship is gone now. I'm disengaged. I know it's not fair to judge a normie for saying something ignorant like that, but I really do wish people would think a little before saying things in situations like this. I'm confiding in you a monumental discovery about myself, something truly life-changing, and you give me such a dismissive response to that? Why? What does that give you? Do you feel left out? You want to part of my moment of self-discovery? You weren't there for the entire life of confusion and pain that led me to even seek this revelation. It's not small, people. Please try a little harder to be better. We are struggling constantly already. I was looking for some understanding and compassion and instead got what feels like judgement. Never again will I open up to a coworker like that. There's no point.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience. So many times people say the wrong thing when they don’t know what to say.
Great video, thank you. Although I know we’re not supposed to use terms like “high functioning” in ASD anymore, if anyone ever said that to me I would simply state that fact to them:
We prefer not to use functioning labelling anymore on the spectrum as it’s discriminatory and most of the challenges autistics face no matter where on the spectrum are not visible to anyone else as it’s mostly happening in our brains.
I think that is a great way to explain it
I disclosed with someone, I THOUGHT~~~ would HEAR ME~~ and realizing within moments...she is EXTREMELY IGNORANT of MANY MANY FACTUAL REALITIES..... I quickly shut her down, by saying, " 😊let's agree to not ever speak of this together, because it's not something you are open to learning more about, it seems."
She quickly changed direction in our conversation that was comfortable for her~~
Sorry that this happened - it can be really disappointing to get a reaction different that what we were anticipating
Thank you for bringing up these points. I think it would be helpful for well meaning people who are caught off guard and aren't sure what to say when they find out someone is on the spectrum.
Liz
And for those who are intentionally being rude...grrrr.
Thanks for watching!
Just because they don't see our struggles, it is more comfortable for them to blow us off. As long as we don't inconvenience them, most don't care. It makes other people uncomfortable to know we may be on the spectrum. A lot of that may be because they don't understand it. Neurotypical people feel threatened by behaviors they don't understand. They can also feel bad, if they missed it for years. To us, masking is a way for us to 'blend in'; so they may feel like we deceived them by masking.
i can see how someone could feel deceived
Funny how their response is all about them.
So, when dating a woman with asd, its fine she doesnt disclose that til 3 mths later then say "yes of course i have asd" even when i have disclosed from the start my own mh issues, is that what you are saying here?
@@daveparbery5831 Interesting point. I was in a relationship with a guy who never actually declared that he was autistic, but the more I got to know him, the more obvious some of his traits seemed to be. Sometimes if his mum was being a bit argumentative with him, she'd say "Oh Tim*, stop being so autistic!". But beyond that, it was never acknowledged, and he never came out and said, "Oh by the way, I actually am autistic..." .
I understand why he may not have wanted to disclose this to me at the beginning of the relationship, because looking back, I now see how well he masked. And how mean his mother was towards him - as if his autism was something to be ashamed of. 😞
I feel a lot of guilt when I think about how frustrated I used to get with him, how communication was sometimes excruciating, and how confusing it must have felt on his side of things. I'd come to the conclusion that he was autistic (with what limited knowledge I had on the condition), and that if I could just get him to acknowledge it and talk openly about it, then I could try to understand him better, and things might have improved between us. But sadly I read his unwillingness to "open up" as a sign he was being secretive, or just dismissive of my feelings.
So I suppose the short answer is - yes, I expect it's totally up to either partner if and when they decide to share their diagnosis/diagnoses, but I imagine if you really want to build more intimacy and trust in your relationship, then it has to come up sooner or later? And the moment when they feel comfortable sharing that information probably varies from person to person.
Anyway, sorry for rambling - kind of processing this stuff years after it happened as I write it!
I wish you all the best in your relationship. 😊
(*Name changed to protect his privacy.)
@@That_Awkward_Mum I appreciate your input Gina, thanks for sharing, I get where yer at. These experiemces are hard on the heart space, especially if we lean to AP attachment style. Loving ourselves is a huge step forward. All the best.
I think it’s people not being knowledgeable and preconceived ideas from what media’s, TV, movies, etc. have made it look only one way. So thanks for sharing the knowledge. We have a special needs son (Soto Syndrome) that until you speak to him you don’t realize. He doesn’t speak well but yet he is very smart. Some days he gets things spot on and other days his mind is working differently. It’s as if a certain connection in his brain is just not all the way connected. I’m his stepmom, his mom passed. So I am still learning how to handle everyday life. I pray everyday for the Lords help. Sometimes I forget he is who he is and I need to accept that and not try to make him someone he cannot be. But let him just be who he is. Such a loving wonderful guy. He is definitely OCD lol. I must admit I’m OCD also. You did great explaining. Thanks again. Sorry if I rattle on too much.
I love your comments Maggie, thanks for them!
I have a friend who likes to tease me about how sarcasm goes over my head. One time I said, "That's just one of my autism traits." (p.s, he was the first person I told) He responded in a most baffling way! He said, "So you want to be autistic now?"
WHAT??????
I said, "Mister, I already am!" Dropped the subject immediately because I could tell he was sort of mocking me.
Yikes I would have been thrown off by that
@@WoodshedTheory I most definitely was
Would it be ok for a white person to say to a black person who's struggling with racial inequality "Oh well, we're all a little black, since we all have some amount of melanin in our skin, right?" or for a man to say to a woman "Oh, well everyone has a feminine side" or a straight person to say to gay person "Oh, well everyone is at least a little gay."? Of course not! Even if it were true to some technical extent, it's completely missing the point that that person is dealing with setbacks and struggles in a society that sets up barriers to some people based on immutable, biological characteristics. Hopefully that analogy will help someone trying to explain why saying "Oh, everyone is a little autistic" is very dismissive and disrespectful. Oh, you're blind? I have 20/30 vision in my left eye, so I guess I'm a little blind, too! Oh, you're celiac? Yeah I try to avoid gluten so I guess you could say I'm a little celiac too! SMH.
great points
@@WoodshedTheory Agreed!
I HATE it when people ask me if I’ve been professionally evaluated!! I am self diagnosed (this year) and I’m 69 years old. I understand the waiting list to be evaluated where I live is from one to two years.. firstly, I don’t trust most people in the psychiatric community because they misdiagnosed me for years, and secondly, I am wondering if they are thinking that I just wanted another diagnosis since the other ones haven’t seemed to fit! It’s very frustrating, and it feels somewhat demeaning. Believe me, I took four different self assessments and waited two weeks to repeat them. Every single one of them told me that I had a high incidence of autistic traits. I don’t really have a response to this yet, but I’m working on it. I do have a wonderful therapist who is helping me find my way through this learning.
I feel like the people who ask if you have been evaluated professionally are the type who wouldn’t believe you even if the answer was yes
Thank you for this excellent video! As a neurotypical Mom of an adult autistic son, this has been so helpful and so happy I found you and subscribed to your channel. My son did also and loves your content and can definitely relate!
Toni I am so glad to hear from you, thanks for the encouragement
Thank you for educating us! Its important to know these things
Thank you for watching!
So many things I have said in the past. For example, "I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum as well." No, I'm not. I have quirks like everyone else, and I just verbally dismissed actual struggles. Repenting, asking forgiveness, and moving forward with good counsel. Thank you. I am watching old videos as I have the chance, and benefitting from your insights even from two years ago. You are making me a better person. Love you.
Hi Llena - thank you for sharing your side - i think what is important is changing your behavior once you know it is wrong, otherwise how could you know what to say.
I love to see someone else that stutters. Most people would have missed it. I know the pause.#actuallyautistic
I wouldnt say I stutter much but I do pause to think A LOT
Just Neuro, typical ignorance, I run into most of what you’ve said I will share your video. It will be most helpful I think if Nuro typical people will actually watch it and try to put themselves in our shoes. Thank you for this. Thank you for your hard work. I appreciate it very much…
Yes a lot of it is ignorance, but I find mostly it isnt intentionally malicious
I heard a couple of this from my close family. It still hurts to hear it from them. My mom keep shutting me down and doesn’t see me as an autistic person, she kept saying it. I know she’s trying her best and trying to make myself feel better. She’s acting like my autism doesn’t define who i am as a person? I am autism, undiagnosed and diagnosed from then to now. I feel somewhat alone in this when I don’t have the safety and full support of family, maybe it’ll get better with time. I don’t know.
i think out of everyone, it is hardest for the parents, esp. the mother to except. i think they may see it as a reflection of failure on themselves. like they did something wrong. so instead they will deny the dx and pretend you can push past it as if it is a small trivial thing for you. i totally get it.
My psychiatric nurse told me twice that everyone's a bit autistic. Yup. 🙁
I'm so glad I found your channel.
It’s interesting because medical professionals don’t seem to think autism is something that would apply to me (although I know it does), and they say things like “oh but you make appropriate eye contact” or “you speak with inflection in your voice” or “no I don’t think so”, or just looked stunned that I have stated that I am autistic (oh and the eye roll when I mentioned self diagnosis). The interesting thing is that work colleagues and most friends are not dismissive at all. They go quiet and you can see the cogs turning in their brain as they try to respond. I guess my masking over the years wasn’t as good as I thought it was. My struggles at work with changes and bullying has made it too tiring I guess. I hope to get my formal diagnosis next week. So it will be interesting to see how people respond after that. I am quite worried about how I will be treated. I’ve been the same me for 55 years, but discovering that I am autistic has certainly put a different perspective on everything.
Good luck with your dx I know it’s really stressful
@@WoodshedTheory thank you ❤
I feel like people are talking to me like I'm a child just because I have Autism.
that is the worst!
This literally makes me cry
Ahh! Well just know you are not alone.
Great video, Claire. You did an excellent job covering this very sensitive subject.
Thank you Lucy
Thank you for you honesty❤️I enjoy your videos❤️
I appreciate that!
Thank you. I found this to be very helpful. I'm loving these videos and learning so much.
Thanks Linda, you are an amazing support system!
I have ASD and live with people who don't understand my disorder and the things they say are the things no one shouldn't say and I'm hoping this video helps then to understand me better
happy to have you here!
Thank you,
so much for this video! I've been weird and qurkie my entire life.
And now knowing that I'm Autistic , it is really helping me embrace my weird and quirkiness better❤
My aunt said... well you dont have it that bad so i would just not focus on it.
oh no! i'm sorry she was so dismissive
Thank you so much! Another wonderful video! This is a good one to share with my family.
Thanks I’m glad it’s helpful
I actually had a health care provider say that last one to me not too long ago. "I think we're all on the spectrum to some degree." And rather than return the chuckle she gave at the end, I just responded, "Hmmm..." in a very disappointed tone. I've heard someone make an analogy that's a good comparison. I've never been pregnant myself, but I know that morning sickness, back pain, changes in body temperature, etc, are fairly common and frequent, (correct me if I'm wrong). That being said, however, does not mean that someone can say, "Yeah, I've been sick right after waking up a few times and my back hurts. I guess I'm a little pregnant too!" No... the answer to that is no. You either are or you're not.
thanks for sharing, i have had to have this conversation with others before as well.
So good - talks to my mind and heart - thank you!
As a manager of people… my goal is to get a job done. I always try to play up a person’s strengths. Autism is Not a get out of jail free card.
I don't think anyone said that.
@@WoodshedTheory You’re right… It would be more helpful to me if you included an appropriate response… Laying a personal diagnosis on a person, without some follow up ( how it affects you, what do you expect of me), is like walking on eggshells.
I Got The"Are You on Medicine For That?"Recently,&,I Just Remember Wanting to Turn to That Person,&,Ask Them,"no,Are You on Medicine For Your Sheer Stupidity?"
Yeah people get weird
well said I am on the spectrum
You are very welcome here
A good comment i received was... how did you find out!! I loved that one because i could info dump everything that i experienced my whole life. Lol
haha i get it
I have furious anger and the sentence said son to me wrong I just eat it up in it that’s why I have such anger in the world want to see me with my fear is anger gonna tell you that right now😊
thanks for sharing.
This is an older video, but I wanted to say this: as a self-diagnosed person, the phrase "Autistic traits are human traits" makes my Imposter Syndrome explode. What if I'm wrong and I'm just a weird neurotypical human, then? Maybe I don't have enough traits...
I think this is why I perused the official diagnosis - esp with my anxiety and ocd.
@@WoodshedTheory And I want one SO BADLY. But I don't feel that my current living condition is conducive to it. Oh well. Imposter Syndrome it is!
Thank you!
Revelation response bingo! ☺️
❤️
My mom's first words were, "Is there medication?"
I haven’t heard that one before. I hope things are ok with your mom, thanks for sharing
Great video
Thanks for your support.
Hi Claire, I know I m through your channel 😊... Being surrounded by mean and toxic selfish people, that I evoid like the plague 😅, if I say I m probably autistic, will be immediately, oh I knew you were crazy... So no way.. I told to a older woman than me, she was a little embarrassed, and sayed, oh now things changed, it's not like before... But I think she just wanted to be nice and polite with me... And we ll see, but I m pretty sure that she will evoid me... We ll see...but living in France, it will be my secret for sure... 🤷🏼♀️
I hope things resolve for you and you find your people friend
Today somebody asked where on the spectrum are you? In a way a positive question cause they understand that it is a spectrum. But I felt a little overwhealmed by the question cause in a way it felt like the same question if its mild or not. I still have to learn how to react. But I told him it was not a question that I could answer in a few sentences and in a way Im masking so then it is not useful information for the person. Dont know if im satisfied with my aswer but it felt awkward ;-)
Yes i find it is helpful to have scripts ready for these situations otherwise I start getting overwhelmed
Woah, do you have grey eyes!? So cool!
Yes I think so my mom always called them slate blue
I have gotten the high functioning comment from everyone I have told, I think.
Ugh it’s the worst