Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children -- Allison Bottke
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
- The Full Circle Ladies speak with Allison Bottke about setting boundaries with your adult children ; Allison Bottke ; Author ; Book: "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children" ; www.allisonbottke.com
Such a brave woman, to stand her ground, and to come public like this, to help others learn, what a great person, she is a hero.
You're so right. I am thankful she brought her story forward because as the mom you feel compelled to help your child. Also, as the mom I had no idea how to help her. I am very thankful for this video.
Wisdom, discernment and boundaries. I'm certainly learning these lately.
One more note to my comment, I am a single mom, I really feel that parents today don't give their children enough confidence to know right from wrong. You need to make it clear that whatever happens you are not to jump in and save them. When I got married, I knew if anything happened I had to take responsibility and not run back home. I took care of everything without my parents or a man. God has been there for me from the start, and always will.
Allowing adult children to experience the results of their own choices teaches them about the real world. When we do it for them it reflects our lack of confidence in them
I need to hear this thank you
I love for men to be offer help or assistance. Gentlemen type of manners. I have tears in my eyes because my son hates to offer any help. He makes gestures like I’m asking for so much when I ask him to take out the trash or mow the lawn. He’s old enough to just do it. We don’t even have a huge backyard. My husband is exactly the same. Maybe a personality thing. To ask the least of them. It’s painful because then I loose my temper when I have been patient and have to tell him to do something and to do it now.
Relying on God and trusting Him is the only way to be in peace and have wisdom in all situations.
Saying your son respects you. I was a single mom. I gave everything to my kids including my career. Their father was abusive. Now? They grow up after i poured my love into them and basically wish me away because i got sick and now im not a person. I'm a problem. Jesus HELP!!!
Sounds like abusive dad got into their head. Let them see the truth.
You are not alone. The dad that left the country to avoid child support is now their idol (with far more $$) and I am either totally estranged "because I ruined their life when I divorced their father" ...yet this wasn't said until I had given up all my savings to save their house from repossession & they no longer needed a free babysitter. With the other son it's not estrangement, but I feel there's a distance that wasn't there until they realized dad's wealth. The dad who beat me from the day he realized I was pregnant through seven years of marriage. He cheated on me and offered me to other men in exchange for their wives or girlfriends. Since I wouldn't agree to that I was beaten even more severely. I've come to realize I can love them and yet live without them being part of my life other than a memory.
I know the feeling my dear. My children's father was abusive and now 2 of my sons abuse me. Perhaps its just what they saw and they are copying the behaviour.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Remember you are stronger than you think. I wish you peace. 💕
@@julieblue4543 ,
You are absolutely correct with your assessment. My daughters father did that against me through them. However, they are older now. And they are becoming more in the woman experience. They will realized what he did, when they mature as they go along. I do not have to no longer say anything.💯
I emailed Allison and she personally emailed me back. Thank God for her insight and willingness to share.
You’re basically talking about codependency ,not letting someone else take responsibility for their behavior ,and putting someone else’s wants needs and desires before your own ,classic codependency
Amen!
This is me I have helped my 34 year old out till I am in bed I think with a break down
Sad to say it goes from helping our child to enabling them
Thank you! It's difficult dealing with adult children bad decisions. I started wondering what I did wrong. Thanks again. Enjoyed!
Denise Williams I am going through this now. Difficult situation but I agree with this video no consequences they will never learn.
@@raquelvelez6333 you are so right. You want to protect them but you can't.
I am going through this now today with an 34 year old son . It has me in a bad place .
I needed to hear this.
My girlfriend REALLY NEEDS to hear this. Most of the things her son has been through is similar to her adult children. It has came in between our relationship many times and it had made me so upset because all she does is enable them and put me back like I'm nothing in that time when she wants to enable them. They hurt her repeatedly through their actions but when I come in to help her out she let's it go one ear and out the other. They don't even acknowledge her as a mother really but they always need her smh
San,
That sound just like me lovely life partner💯💁🏽
@@HACKED787 I appreciate you thank you. Yes we have worked things out and things are better for us
Thank you Jesus that I finally found this video my son is a 27 year old that abuses me and all I have been doing is saving him all time and all I got was bashed by him like a abusive husband that I didn't even have.
Really. If they were husbands we'd divorce them in a New York minute.
As they become men, they feel like the head of the family, if you are a single mom. Plan a line of escape. Hire movers after you have found another place. He will then be responsible for his own bills.
I'm going through it too.
Me as well right now and it’s so bad and draining
Sometimes you’re in a situation that you can’t say no to an adult son and it’s a horrible existence.
I'm going through this now.
Just found your comment. How is everything now?
Me too
Me too as well
Wow. They really are spot on. As a High School teacher, I've been witnessing this for many years. I'm not a religious person, but boy, do these ladies nail it!!!!!🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Amen! Thank you, this describes everything I have been through with my children.
I’m so scared to see him again..I don’t know what he’s going or what drugs he’s doing he’s made me a scapegoat for his anger towards me and he will not accept my apology nothing I do for him is enough till he gets everything from me because he says I owe him 🤦♀️
Amen thank you for sharing.
powerful insights to help exhausted parents from my friends at 100 Huntley Street!
I have my answer from God. Thank You Father God and Lord Jesus . For using these women's to speak to me as a enabler to my daughter. Thank You for the confirmation.
Ordering this book
This is powerful!
I’m not gonna allow you to control or manipulate me anymore, helping you does not spell money 🥰Thank you I like that
I cant praise God enough for the internet while searching for answers how to deal with my Teen i came across these ladies i cant agree more with what they say, yet we need the power of God to deal with them the right way we cant do it by ourself if we want good result....
Thank you
This is awsome... Many Husbands, Men, ((FATHERS)) have been saying this same stuff for years. However those same Men would be demonized by their
wives (The Son's Mother) for saying such things.
It is possible for woman to raise a gentleman, however only a
TRUE-MAN can mold that gentleman into a Gentle-Man.
Great work.. : )
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
I got caught in my honor student daughter, gone street, I almost died. I got out, now living a peaceful, happy life. Thanks for sharing.
Angela Hamlet I went thru the same thing
I was devastated
Ordered the book
My 44 year old daughter is a liar, accuser, exaggerator, story teller, and verbally abusive without drugs or alcohol.
If she was on any substance, at least I'd have part an answer. She's naturally crazy, and scary.
And of course, I was a single mom. Gave her the world, but you wouldn't know it today listening to her.
😓 I needed this today. 🌻🌻🌻She is doing well in nursing school...but, she hurt me very badly...cost me $800.
I read the book and it was a great read. I did however get disappointed when she said he is now out of prison living with her. This negates most of her advise to others in this book.
sheryl Young except, he didn’t live at home before going to prison. She is (we hope) doing what family does and helping him get on his own feet again.
What? I agree. After all that he was allowed to move back in? "Do as I say, not as I do"
sheryl Young I think If he’s living with her healthy,happy and whole is a good thing.Also He should only be there temporarily, very temporarily if not at all ,I agree with you
If hrs paying Bill's, respectful, not using I think its ideal.
My heart was breaking for decades. Now I am adapting to my own boundaries. I had the same problem that this woman describes.
I had to watch everything that I was anticipating for my daughter: she has to loose everything she owned.
Still it was not enough and she kept her hubris..
I saw an old man at a store in shabby cloths sending his son hundreds of dollars by Western Union. The son was 37 years old! I saw what would become of me if I give to much and keep enabling. The flow of money will stop at age 18 in a few months.
Right now I don't give him any cash. He gets food, shelter, all the basics. If I give him money I know he will find someone to get him liquor. The presents I give him are cards, recovery books or I take him out to eat.
How much card. Do you think they. Will not sell them
My adult daughter made life miserable at the house, she picked fights with my other children fought with my wife and my wife wouldn't let me be a father and tell her she had to go cause she didnt want her to go, than my daughter attacked me and I put my foot down and kicked her out. In the end my wife lost the love for me and blames me and now my other children have to live with divorced parents.
She should have been protecting you, her spouse, not the child. I'm sorry
And yet, you did the right thing. I have much respect for a man that places order in his house. Your wife will later regret what she has done.
Spirit of Jezebel at work here. Yes our children can be controlled by Jezebel spirit. It will rip your marriage apart if you let it, or it will make become powerless as a parent. You have to do a lot of praying and spiritual warfare against this type of spirit
Single moms are most in danger of this outcome, that's my experience, guilt for not being able to provide both parents.
Proof again of God's design.
Yes, and single fathers/split families face it as well. It's also difficult when the other is a Disneyland Parent.
You are right . Here is me another proof
agreed:(
So, you’re blaming single mothers?? It’s the toughest job anyone can do and reminding them that it’s “God’s Design” that they should’ve been married sounds very critical and it’s not helpful at all. Perhaps I misunderstood your post though.
As a sungle mom with adult children, I agree. The guilt is overwhelming. Especially after leaving an emotionallg abusive marriage and they have seen poor communication modeled. Its very hard. Praying for us all and for our children.
The mother has to stop treating her son like a child. You must let all your children take care of themselves, sons and daughters should do their own cleaning, washing, cooking, paying bills, rent etc. themselves. I too have an adult son and two adult daughters, I treat them equaly. Your son needs to be independent and not rely on mom to take care of him, in turn he will be mature to leave his mother and be confident to be with a woman.
Glory to the Lamb of God!
I love this....
My daughter is 20 and since she was 13 it has been a nightmare. She has stolen, lied, abusive language toward me and her little 10 year old sister and dropped out of school in 11 th grade. I had her all set up to go to Job Corps to get her GED and get a nursing degree from the Job Corp, all she had to do was to show up at the school and she would have food, shelter and rules to obey. She refused to go. I got her a job at a restaurant and all she had to do is show up, she didn't go. I just kicked her out of my house tonight because I work my tail off all day while my son and youngest daughter are in school while my 20 year old was sleeping all day, eating all my food, making a mess and not even cleaning up after herself. The last straw was when I got off work today and was getting laundry ready to take to the laundromat. I took all of her laundry out of my basket and did not do her laundry. When I got back home she flipped out on me and told me I was evil because I didn't do her laundry. She told me and I quote "you better be glad I'm afraid to go to jail" I said to her " you better not even think about hitting me" she said " I'm not talking about hitting you, I wanna kill you" well that was the last straw for me. I don't know where she is or who she's with or where she plans on staying in the snowy, 18° winter weather here in Virginia. I'm just sick and tired of having no peace in my home. Any advice? Please help me or let me know if I did the right thing. P.S. she sleeps all day and is up all night disrupting the whole house and she gets to sleep all day while I'm at work and my other two are at school. She sneaks and smokes in my house even though I told her that she was not allowed to have cigarettes in my home. If I ask her to clean the house because she's not working and refuses to work, she yells and screams at me
Katna F I know you wrote this 5 months ago.....but you did the right thing I'm going through the same thing. I'm Done!
I have the same problem with my 20 yr son.. I gave him a choice to get his life straighten out or move out... He walked away I sealed and armed my house and left town on my RV with my husband 10hrs away.. He made the choice of leaving and not getting better.. I am exhausted trying to fix him and not get arrested..
Same situation with my son and his fiancee living here. I'm honestly going insane as is my husband. I'm just afraid of losing any type of relationship with him by putting my foot down
Yes, you did the right thing! Allow all those around you to grow up. This would not gotten better at the rate you were going. Consequences are the best moms in the world!
Katna F I just kicked my 29 year old son out. Him and his girlfriend have a baby and I reported her to her probation officer. She called me all kinds of names and won’t let me see the baby. I’m devastated! But I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know where my son is and have not heard from him
Often times broken relationships w/ adult kids result from not having a father around to slap a kid on the side of the head....
VietVet 1970 Or worse...having one around who did and said nothing.
I tend to side with VietVet 1970. Old-school parenting was quite obviously much more effective. Just look at the newest crop of young adults....overall, not a pleasant situation.
Yes, and it has impact if the mother isn't around, either. As @Sheila Sugar mentioned, "having one around who did and said nothing" is also a problem. If you have one parent who is permissive, their friend, covers up/doesn't allow consequences to fall, then you also get major problems for the children. Sometimes they figure it out in their late teens/early adult years, but at great risk and expense. Imagine how hurtful it is when you realize that one or more of your parents didn't do their job? Their one and only job is to raise you to be Independent. That's it. All the rest of the stuff will fall into line: giving love, teaching respect, responsibility/accountability/dependability, etc, if you just focus on that one goal: to teach Independence.
VietVet 1970 as long as it doesn’t become beating up sessions ...
Or I slapped him too many times as a single mom.
I am going through immense abuse, but unfortunately its not only mental but physical. I cannot cope anymore.
Call our prayer lines, we are here for you - 1-866-273-4444
THANK YOU BUT I LIVE IN EUROPE...ITS A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO CALL YOU
So sorry..
How are you now?
Every thing I've endured with my own
At some point they have to live as adults. I don't want to be demanded to do things for the rest of my life. Your an adult now. Get a job and go to school. Figure it out. They affect relationships and your schedule. Your not a kid anymore.
Cecily Williams agree
Please say that again and louder for those alleged grown adult children that pretend that they don’t understand. I just had to correct our middle adult daughter who still resides at home rent free with her two children, about how I’m not obligated to do anything for her and that out of the kindness of my heart I watch our grandchildren ONLY when she has to work.
It is interesting
Am I making it worse by giving him sympathy when he is low/hurt/suffering etc and reaches out for comfort? He never asks for anything from me accept love/comfort and sympathy but I often want to yell at him that he wouldn't be in most these predicaments if he stopped using drugs/alcohol daily, got some therapy and could recognize that it's not bad-luck, it's his choices and behaviors that are having logical consequences, but when I have gone this route I get an angry defensive adult son who tells me I am not being supportive. Ugh, I don't want to enable him by being this loving, comforting mom (which is who I naturally am) when he is in pain. I don't know how to navigate how to be emotionally with my adult son who is so angry, hurting, etc and does not believe he is making poor choices; just thinks he has bad luck. Help.
Have you found a local Al-Anon or SMART Family and Friends chapter? They could help you if you attend a meeting.
In so much pain
I was as well I retired and one of mine think I'm her Nanny well I stopped guess I want see the grand kid til holidays fine by me keeping the Grandkids away is no punishment.just know we cant Change Adults even if we are thier parents.
How can I apply this advice towards my adult children with autism, adhd, OCD, and other mental health disorders?
I had no idea that kids sometimes pretend they love you but inwardly hate, try to manipulate, and use you up slowly like an 🏧 machine and toss you away
Been there done that ..
"Once BOTH the parent and child are adults, there is the most wonderful opportunity to empower both of you in all the right ways with friendship and love."
Can't this exist without one party being adult? And what exactly does adult mean? Who decides when someone is adult and when they aren't?
I wish I were somewhere near you to be part of your support group.
YES but the best part is that you do not not ever need to do that: Once BOTH the parent and child are adults, there is the most wonderful opportunity to empower both of you in all the right ways with friendship and love, and never let the "the good talk" get to the point of "if you don't like it there's the door".
Interesting
I guess it depends on who's roof you live under. My dad used to say... "as long as you live under my roof then you follow my rules". Now that I have my own roof I get to set the boundaries when he comes over.
Now I get to say to him what he used to say to me---"if you don't like it there's the door".
What about when the adult child has kids of there own and life has spiraled out of control?
I have a 15 yo daughter...and she is completely free to make her own choices without any punishment or consequences from me.
I have never told her to do anything, she does it if she wants to. Like...she hates cleaning...so I don't make her....I clean everything!
If we have a disagreement about something...we both sit down and talk about it. I never get angry or annoyed, I want to know what she has to say. And MOST times I side with her.
Whatever her choice is, IF I can fulfill that choice for her, I give it to her....its not my place to make choices for her!
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm hopeful that things can change with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ. I've been on this merry go.round for over 30 years and I want off! All praise and glory be to The Lord God almighty.
Diana Beth Amen.
Sounds like the story of my life with my son
Me too. :(
Can i ask everyone if I move to live with my boyfriend. In age 17 year old my mum benefit it will affect
Need help with my 15 year old son
What if this is the other way around. My parents do not respect my boundaries as an adult child. I'm not obligated to share my details about personal life. I do not live with them. Have college education, no children, dont partake in illegal activities and I fund myself. They don't treat my other siblings that way. They respect their privacy.
Danae' you are such a wonderful daughter. My daughters are the same as you , no trouble at all like their brother. My oldest daughter told me respectfully and very firm, mom stop telling me what to do, I am a grown up, go get your own life, do what you always wanted to do mom. Enjoy your life. I laugh to this day because when i was her age there is no way i would have wanted my mom to worry so much about me lol I was so embarrassed and i thank her and i am so proud of her. Of both my daughters. Danae' please try to understand we always view our children as our babies, always wanting to protect them. Please know it has nothing to do with you, you are such a beautiful young lady inside and out. Just try to remind your parents what it was like when they were your age and you need for them to understand your feelings. You love them, they love you, just without honest communication, we will never learn how each other feels and how we all get each other wrong. I sure pray your mom will laugh like i did when my grown 27 year old daughter opened my eyes. I love telling all my friends so they can find the peace of knowing each others boundaries. I am praying for you Danae'
My daughter is just turned 18 and I’m finding it very hard to let her go and do things she wants to do I’m use to her being my little girl and it’s making her want to leave home.. I’m finding it hard to let go of the child part of our relationship and bond 🙏🏼 any advice
Let her go and be her own person . You will thank yourself
18 was so difficult to let go. I understand the constant worry. My son is 20 and that worry is still there. However, after they're gone for awhile...you do start to appreciate the peace that moves into your home after they're gone. Mine did come back and I missed that peace.
I would love to be the noun parent instead of the verb parenting. I don’t know when it will happen because every time I set a boundary they both gang up on me and tell me what an awful mother & grandmother I am. I’m at a point that I think I created this monster.
In The Mighty name of Jesus devil and your cohorts loose our children. They are the children of Most High God. Amen
P.S. Thank you for the video.
Wende Roserie Amen
Here I have an apartment with an intruder ruining my belongings so I go off to babysit for 5days so my daughter and her fiance can go on vacation and when the couple come back I'm disrespected and nobody making me breakfast, I'm done in babysitting even though they are my grandkuds.
You are a granny not a nanny!
learning relationship with God its gonna take forever for God to FIX ME IT'S ENDLESS I CAN'T HAVE THIS IT'S TOO HARD. IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH
Your right!, I am gonna quit too. Let's all quit and give this world 100% to satan. If you think it's bad now, wait til satan has full control over your slavery.
Is that Amy McCready on the right?
***** Please, ALL these women love their children, without a doubt. They DO care about their children AND FINALLY NOW- about themselves. Moms can and do empathize to the extreme with their kids- so what you are seeing is a GUILTY-unguilting of with-drawing from "being-too-deeply--involved" & returning to a normal balanced relationship. Hard thing to do. Hard being a parent. Hard to say no with what amounts to flesh of your flesh.
***** You are not dumb, you are sick. There is a huge difference. Drug addiction and alcoholism (which is a drug as well), is a disease. Go to AA or NA meetings. This would be a start. I highly suggest you go to rehab, so you can have your life back. You CAN do it. I know you can and I don't even know you. Get help, before it's too late. Three certainties come out of addiction of any kind, jails institutions and death. If you don't believe me, just keep doing what you are doing and you will see.
Read Quran. all solutions are there
Lisa Mcguire Wow, Lisa.. you are so completely extreme on the subject. What causes jails, institutions and death is mental illness. Drug addiction is a symptom, that's all. Getting rid of the drugs will do nothing if the underlying issues aren't resolved. For this guy, it was his alcoholic mother obviously.
***** Sharon, not all moms empathize with their kids unfortunately.
Maybe it’s just because you love them that you show up. But of course in a healthy way.
I am a single parent of a 26 year old daughter which her step dad do not want her to leave I told him I will leave them both here because I can't do anymore I'm done
And what if there are grandbabies involved, my son wants nothing to do with me ,he has made up this false child hood, that wasn't, at all as he says ,I mean we had our share of problems, bit my kids were loved cared for in every way, but he blames me for everything that is wrong I. His life and says I bring him down and wants nothing to do with him ,
You have to remember one thing our grandchildren are not our children its painful but we don't have A say .when u make decisions that u want be mistreated for the sake of anyone that's when you have taken your power back.
yup. his ball of latest crisis is the center of our lives. the constant threat of him going to hell or killing himself or being 4aped in jail is what keeps me in this. he was molested by a christian as a little boy and we never faced it. I live with that. we didn't know 7ntil years later. I live with that.
Oh, dear. It was not your fault. You didn't know. That is in the past. He still needs to face consequences of his present behavior.
why is there no mention of the father ????????????????????/
*They never discussed "Setting Boundaries.* "?"
Not bailing him out of jail was a boundary she set for her son. I think letting them learn from failures is a boundary. Not trying to rescue or fix things. I know it’s hard I’m a mom too. I did too much for my children. They are adults now I try to stop, but it’s hard.
Ok, so what about when your kids are still minors and live at home. Society seems I think now that parents aren’t allowed to have any boundaries or guidelines in their own home because then you are making your kids feel “bad”.
Please address what this looks like in a marriage of disagreement. For example one parent wants to confront the bad behavior and set boundaries. But the other parent would rather ignore the problems and continue to enable them. Please speak to that from a Christian perspective. Thank you
When I stop giving him money he beat me
That is Not on
hard to apply..........................
Yes and no
As if she wasn’t messed up ... and messed him up
You should read the book first before criticizing... that would clarify this for you.
fix him?????
There's nothing wrong w helping them w money if they aren't doing crazy things and you csn.In other cultures assault children live at home even if they're 30 until they're married. Less lonely people.
That sounds lovely and one of the reasons I bought a big house. But my son screams and breaks things and I lived in hell.
He son was most likely a Indigo child.
I got off SUGAR for my family....see why when you do iT too
Whole lot of imagination in these mothers. They imagine all the bad things that "MIGHT" happen. That is not faith. It is highjacked faith by satan in the name of fear. Perfect love casts out fear.
Is this just a ruse to sell religion?
I don't think this writer just had a ah ha moment just because she was cleaning. She must have had some guidance, I don't know anyone who learns this lesson out of the blue as she suggests. Sound's like she came out if a 12 step program. Lests give credit where credit is due.
I was enjoying this until mention of Jesus.
jjcbss
yeah me too.
jjcbss Jesus our Salvation. Our healer, deliverer and restorer. Our God our refuge.
Your word speaks angry human being. God less people Full your self. Jesus is peace joy .. ..
jjcbss oh you're an uneducated ass
Legal Fiction Natural Fact the mere mention of God is obnoxious to you. Obviously the problem is with you. Not God.
So she took a way to take her son's problems and drama and turn it into a book she Benefits from financially. Who's supporting who again?
William Winn it wasn't just his story or life experience it was her story as well. Oh, and he's living with her so he's STILL benefiting
Maybe it wasn’t Jesus ... maybe you are an Empath.
I needed to hear this.