A few days after we finished writing and filming this, I messed something up and started beating myself up over that. Then I remembered that we had just written this episode, and so I thought "What a hypocrite! You just wrote an episode on self-compassion and you're not doing it!" I had to remind myself that judgments are normal and they are going to happen, and that I can acknowledge them and move on instead of dwelling on them or beating myself up over them.
What's interesting is that your thought started with a lie -- "What a hypocrite!" On the contrary, the fact that you returned to these thought patterns after the mess-up is proof that you genuinely understand what it's like to struggle with these thoughts & feelings. They run deep! and as you mention in the video, changing them is much easier said than done...MUCH easier. You brought a new insight to me -- when we engage in self-accusation, we have a tendency to mix in some outright lies and falsehoods into our accusations. It's as if the bad feelings have a way of multiplying (instead of adding), and can really gain momentum unless he have ways of diffusing them. Your authenticity really gives your messages meaning. I'd much rather hear a message from someone who continues to wrestle with the issues than someone else in their ivory high tower lecturing on what they know only in theory and not in practice. So I thank you for this video, and wish you well as you ... rather, WE ... run this marathon together and keep those overly critical voices at bay. And I sure you've already helped several others take that first step as well. Appreciate you and this site very much!
I just to do exactly that before, now when I made a mistake I laugh not to make fun of myself but to make fun of mistake itself By doing this I remove the negative connotation of the mistake and replace it for positive, happy and fun connotation Believe me it work great
Does anyone else have a lot of compassion for other people but almost none for themselves? I’m harder on myself than anyone else is on me in my life. I’m trying to change but gosh it’s hard.
Sameeeeeee!!!!!! Probably one of the thing I struggle the most with!!!!!! Here a Virtual Bear Hug, 🤗!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a puppo, his name is Sammy, 🐕!!!!!!!!!!!
Exactly right. I'm always first in line to help others and have done some pretty extraordinary things to comfort, counsel, and serve others in pain. Perhaps those who suffer are much more attuned to pain in other people and more compassionate to their situations. Agree that it would be helpful if we learned how to siphon some of that compassion back towards ourselves at times.
I most often heard, "You can do so much better than this," which perhaps unintentionally implied that my mistakes were evidence of laziness, regardless of my level of effort. Utterly demoralizing.
@@hannahclaire4683 Same here. High School was negative self talk graduate school. "You could do so much better if you just applied yourself and exercised more self discipline" was my number one training phrase.
@@kiapet286 Sounds like you're describing MY LIFE. I didn't get diagnosed until my sophomore year of college, talk about high-functioning mental illness, amiright? I wish I was wrong...
I forgot to pay the water bill and our water got turned off yesterday. I cringed all morning expecting my family to yell and come down on me... so I came down on myself first. I beat myself up for 3 hours before the woke up and realized what happened. To my shock, the first time in my LIFE.. no lectures. Just understanding. Yes, I had the money. Okay, so lets go fix it. The water was back on in a few hours and it was hardly noticeable, barely an inconvenience! XD But I still cried.. because I was met with love and understanding instead of criticizing and put downs. It made the whole situation seem so... mild. When usually it would feel like a tragedy!
I had a 3 month streak of paying my water bill after 5 on the due date. Which means I got fined $5 After the last time I was literally screaming at the water company to no one
My wife pays our bills.I’ve had credit cards get cancelled cause I’d forget to pay them. I’d remember to pay them in the middle of a meeting, or at some point when I couldn’t do anything about it. Online banking has been a Godsend
Why do I find myself crying when I watch these videos? Because I'm almost 60 and ADHD has affected my life so much that I feel misunderstood and defeated most of the time.
Same here. I have finally started real therapy and am exploring getting ADHD meds. But there's so much damage done by decades of being called careless, sloppy, daydreaming, uncaring, mercurial, etc... that I felt the need to finally address my self-image on top of medicating and developing skills. The ADHD Diagnosed in Adulthood group in Facebook has been very encouraging and supportive for those of us who spent our adult lives undiagnosed. They told me it's never too late to find a better way forward. *Hugs* and luck in your journey through ADHD.
I tried to end my life in November 2014, around the same time I found out I had ADHD. Thankfully my attempt didn't work and 2015 brought better things. I searched for help on UA-cam, but there was no ADHD channel. JustMissJenn discussed her ADHD openly, but I really needed a channel that discussed science and research and the broader experience of people like me as well as ways to cope and make life more manageable. I kept searching UA-cam every month or two, hoping a channel like this was being created. Finally it was! I'm so grateful to Jessica for making HowtoADHD. If I'd had it in 2014, I might not have tried to get run over by a bus. I'm glad this channel has saved your life, treason6661 . I'm sure it will continue saving others.
@@Sara-vn2kzawww JustMissJen's video is what inspired me to make my videos public! Originally they were meant to be for me as like an ADHD toolbox but I saw how helpful hers were in the comments and decided to share :D
@@Sara-vn2kz btw thank you so much for sharing, I think it's so important that we talk about this stuff. I'm glad you're still here. The world needs you.
@@ThatMysteriousMan1 and "Love your fellow as yourself" -- implying that you also must love yourself! Or maybe what we need to hear also is: Don't forget to love yourself the way you love your fellow!
My meds are wearing off and I'm at the end of a work day. I tried watching but couldn't focus enough to understand. I gave you a thumbs up anyway because I know that all your videos bring help to brains and hearts alike. I'll have to watch this again when I have more mental energy. Thanks Jess!
You sound like my wife towards the end of the day. She is a fast metabolizer. Anyway, Instead of watching and listening, maybe try just listening? It helps her when she wants to watch a video with me but can’t focus and doesn’t want to take a booster.
It's really telling how ingrained this is when my first reaction was: "I don't deserve to be kind to myself." I often "jokingly" say that I hate myself or put myself down in front of my 2.5 year old and it's an example that I need to stop setting for her. I feel a deep resistance inside for trying this, but I'll try.
I've struggled a lot with that myself. One of the things that has helped is thinking "All people deserve kindness, so by virtue of being a person, I deserve kindness too." Also, there's research showing that practicing self-compassion helps reduce the risk of burning out from being compassionate to others, so if nothing else, do it for them!
GAH. I'm currently in an I-messed-up moment and I'm struggling to be kind to myself. When you have insecure attachment, well, it's extra hard to show self-appreciation. I feel like I failed the whole entire world and that the whole world hates me. Just finished my very late deadline. It's 3am where I'm at and it's literally dark and stormy outside. Thanks for this little ray of sunshine.
Thank you for doing this show. My 8yr old daughter has ADHD and is struggling with what it means, beating herself up, and wishing she didn't have it. I introduced her to your show and she enjoys watching it. She requests to watch it almost daily. It's helping her (and myself) to better understand ADHD.
I swear there's always a moment or two in your videos where I get teary-eyed when I realise that I'm not the only one who has these problems. Thanks for making them, I really enjoy them and they mean a lot to me.
This may be one of the more important videos you’ve done. We are, more often than not, our own harshest critics. When I was growing up in the 70s and early 80s, there was no where near the understanding there is today. You can only be criticized so much before you internalize that feedback. Even now, in my 50s, I’m very quick to be harsh to myself. I sometimes wonder if that’s why rates of drug and alcohol abuse are higher amongst the ADHD community. An escape from our criticism. As always, thank you very much for what you do. Keep up the great work.
I haven’t even watched yet, but it literally brought tears to my eyes when the notification for this video popped up. I really need this, This is a God-send right now, thank you.
Sarah Raquel LaLonde me too, I said it was a God sent video too ❤️ He knows when we need things the most and it looks like a lot of us needed it at this exact time ❤️
@@Possiblyabandaid OK... but now that you've seen the video, don't beat yourself up over not having seen it earlier. Its possible you needed that time to process everything about the mistake. I'm glad you've made it to this point... and hope you've been able to give yourself some grace. :-)
Literally in the throes of this right now. I just finished my bachelor's this week which means its finally time to change careers. I've never felt less competent or confident. I keep thinking that in a pile of applicants there's no way I am the one most qualified and that makes me feel like it's not worth trying.
If it helps: you don't always have to be the one most qualified to get the job, please don't focus on that. I have hired lesser qualified people out of the pile of letters because their personality fit the job and/or the team better. Actually, ALL the people I hired were not the highest qualified based on their CV alone. Never regretted it. A great personality trait of most people with adhd is our enthusiasm for things we like (even if you might think it's only "normal"). That is a very powerful tool for writing letters and doing interviews. Wish you the best in finding your way!
If it helps, you aren't alone. I graduated last year too, and because of a lot of different factors, I've been unemployed ever since. Now I'm in a place where I can finally start looking for work again and I'm absolutely terrified. I'm having the exact same thoughts and feelings
Yay. Oh this helps so much. It made me cry, because my parents and grandparents are constantly putting me down, and now I have started doing it to myself. Thank you Jessica. ❤️
Oh please don't put yourself down!! It's like yelling at a child bc they don't how to drive. You do things differently and that's ok. Hang tight, be nice to you!
Abnormal Aoibh it’s ok *hugs*. Sometimes it’s hard but I always take comfort in having wonderful friends, and an awesome sibling that always stands up for me. Your parents are probably scared or repeating behavior taught by your grandparents, but in time, they’ll realize that you’re wonderful the way you are. Don’t resent them for it. :)
Failure is good because it means your trying to be better, and whether you have adhd or not, you should be proud of yourself for at least trying, and be amazed at yourself when you try again.
I literally just got back from therapy and we were literally just talking about being compassionate to yourself and not beating my self up. What a coincidence!
Jess, thank you! I absolutely felt this way as a child....heck I still do. I am so good at shoving all my issues down into a pit in my soul, but self compassion is huge! And hey...don't forget to apply this to yourself!
Self kindness is hard! The combination of RSD and being hypercritical of my own performance used to tie me up in knots and I would end up giving up and running away instead of trying. I'm slightly better (ok, a lot better) these days, since finding this channel gave me the courage to get diagnosed (at 29! A bit over 2 years ago), lifted me up when I felt like I was alone and a failure, and helped to cement the importance of some of my (healthy) coping mechanisms. You do fantastic work
Life has been tough on me the past few weeks, and I’ve been giving myself the whole, “I should have done…” type of conversations more frequently than ever. Thank you for reminding me to be kinder to myself 🙏🏽
3:35 Great tip! Pretend that "you" are the "friend" that you want to help/advise. (I often procrastinate by trying to help others and I get distracted ...when I really need to be working on my own "shtuff" ...like right now!
This is exactly what I needed. I have just got home from a festival where I got too excited and overwhelmed on the first day and completely depleted all my energy and burnt myself out, so that I ended up missing all the music I wanted to watch the next day and slept the whole evening/ night instead. I was beating myself up over my inability to pace myself or regulate my energy levels, but after watching this I will work on accepting that it's happened now, and it's okay, and not to worry about it too much. I feel really regretful that I didn't make it out on the second night but it's not my fault, and thank you for helping me realise that ❤
I'm new here! I was diagnosed with ADD back in my 20s and was told there was nothing I can do about it. I would beat myself up so hard when I make the smallest of mistakes as that's what I'm used to. It's nice to see someone say, it's ok, let's move on. I love these videos! Thanks for doing them!
Yup! We're all human, and if there's one thing all humans have in common, it's being terrible at most things and messing up. Mistakes are going to happen, and once one does, the only thing to do is figure out what changes you can make to reduce the likelihood of it happening again.
@@kimdkus And if we're going to make changes, first we have to be open and accepting of where we're at and what happened, with as little skew from the bias of judgment as we can.
Lexa from How to ADHD can u do a video on how to deal w ADHD on the job in an office setting? As hard as I try I make a lot of mistakes and my boss told me to focus more and make less mistakes. It seems I do work harder than others here and still struggle w stress.
Come Flag with Me That's actually an episode Jessica was hoping to have me help write since it's an important topic and she doesn't have much personal experience in the matter to draw from. Not sure when specifically we'll get to it but it's definitely a topic we'd like to cover!
In the pursuit of a happier and healthier lifestyle, this very topic has been my primary focus for many months now. Alas, it is far too easy for some of us to forget about loving ourselves, and instead we unknowingly pollute our subconscious with thoughts of toxicity. I imagine most of us are kind and thoughtful to others, even willing to forgive heinous shortcomings. However, we seem to uninvite ourselves into this thoughtful embrace of acceptance. That being said, thank you for this daily reminder. We can all benefit from a little bit more self-compassion, and that goes for you too, Jessica.
Thank you this is really helpful. I was diagnosed with ADHD because I experience all of the symptoms, but then was undiagnosed because I don’t show the symptoms at school or in public places. Even though I’m still trying to figure out what’s up with my brain, these videos still really help and apply to me.
This video was really needed right now. Lately I’ve been struggling with my shortcomings and how I’ve been processing them, so this was very helpful. Thank you! ❤️
My whole life since I was born I’ve had adhd. Everyone knew I was a little different and in 4th grade I started taking adderall. It made me stop eating, stop talking, and it never helped me focus. It hid my emotions so I was only depressed and I was always made fun of for being a constant “Debbie downer”. I never felt smart because everyone was able to focus meaning they could learn what was being taught while I was distracted by trying to make myself happy. I graduated knowing the bare minimum and not knowing a single thing about myself. I drowned in my mental illnesses after school ended and I began to become suicidal and very manic. I ran way from home, did some crazy stuff and was blessed enough for my family to welcome me back home as if nothing happened. I started taking the time to learn about myself and fate decided to help me out. I discovered a home where individuals with developmental disabilities lived and decided that it was the best thing for me because I love making people happy and helping anyone in need. It changed my life COMPLETELY. I still have all my mental illnesses of course but it gave me the will to live and improve myself for them so I can help them more. It made me realize that there’s so many people with issues even if they’re different than my own but they accept me like nothing is wrong with me. People with disabilities seem so much more open to the idea that it doesn’t matter if someone is a little different, they could be the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Thank you for helping me even more by helping me with the biggest issues I don’t think I could learn all on my own. This is something I’ve been trying to learn very recently and I appreciate you so much. Thank you for showing me that everything I do that I don’t understand is from my ADHD. But I’d never get rid of it. It makes me who I am and I have never been so proud to have it. ❤️❤️❤️
Your videos have definitely changed my life and how I have learned to deal with ADHD. I watched your TEDtalk and it made me cry and realized I finally wasn't alone, and then I decided to get myself evaluated for ADHD, and was diagnosed with both ADD & ADHD. I was already going to counseling and so finding this out helped make sense of some of my struggles in life. I want to thank you for being vulnerable and real, So that I and us Brains know that we have other people who understand and want to help us! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and please keep sharing! We are here for you too!! ♡ - Fellow Brain
I lost what I thought was a close friend of 4 years this past week suddenly and without warning. Because of that, my old self critic crept back in, telling me I didn't deserve friends, and that his rejection was proof that nobody likes me. This video came in good timing! Thank you.
I just saw your TEDx talk and cried three times. I've never felt so validated in my life except from getting my diagnosis. I'm 22, I didn't get diagnosed until a few months ago. Thank you.
I beat myself up over literally every little thing, and it's exhausting really. Without a distraction I'll beat myself up until I feel so sad and worthless I don't want to do anything any more. I don't have ADHD, but this video helped me a lot, thanks
I am so thankful for your input it helps me understand what’s going on in my son head but what’s hard he also have a learning disability where it takes him time to get things and also It’s hard to talk to a 7 year old to get him to think differently about himself I hear him consistently talking negative about himself it hurts me to the core to the point I sometimes gets mad about it
Diagnosed at 40 years old, I have sufferd 2 burn-outs, I still don't have the courage to tell people. There is a huge stigma on AD(H)D. Just like most of us, I've been told I can do better, I was lazy and should pay more attention. At school, high-school and now at my (7th) job. Don't try to overcompensate by trying to do everything perfect. It will ruin you. Try your best. We AD(H)D people have unique brains which are wired to think out of the box. Find a study or a job in which you can use this talent. Not just artistic jobs, but also jobs that require a lot of trouble shooting and getting around problems (finally found mine, where they like thinking outside the box). Thanks for all the info. This channel gave me the courage to finally speak about this (as the world sees it) problem. Now 5 years later, I'm finally ready to break down my "wall of awful". Grtz. Danny
Thank you for your videos. I was just diagnosed a couple of hours ago with ADHD. I feel better to know many things are not my fault and that there is a reason and an apology knowing why.
Jessica you are so wonderful in your approach on this topic. Wishing you well and keep making these positive and supportive videos. Your heart is so in the right place and helping so many people out there. Again thank you!
Have been struggling a lot recently, not just with the criticism of myself, but that of other people, too. There are definitely more places in life where I could be more compassionate and kind to myself. Thank you for this reminder!
I just wanted to say hi. Brand new Brain here. Just diagnosed at 35 years old. Feels so good knowing I'm not broken. Started meds 5 days ago and it's already making such a difference. I think I would have been scared to if I hadn't found your channel so thank you.
I am 38 and was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. My therapist was always saying my comments made her feel I had it but at this age what the heck did it all really mean. I was who I was and it was just my quirks. I was told by someone to see this channel and it has been eye opening! I get really emotional when she says how things are for ADHD brains and talks to other brains and I think for once I am not alone. I struggle so much but can put on the face of a person who seems to be like everyone else. This video points to one of my biggest faults. I can care for perfect strangers but when it comes to self care I fail miserably. I hate myself and I talk down to myself. I take care of children and my therapist always say how would I treat others who feel like I do? I would do anything I could to help them but I CAN'T find what is needed to do the same for myself.
So these videos have been making me cry out of happiness and relief because I felt for so long that no one understood me and that no one ever would. It’s such a comfort hearing and seeing these things. Thank you.
I needed this video. I was just beating myself up because I always try to make people laugh and when someone gets really close, I try to keep them in as much as possible, so when I say something that doesn't get the intended reaction, I am ruthless towards myself
This really helps because I have ADHD and from his very severe I have no way out of control my emotions and videos kind of give me a better understanding so thank you for that I think it’s going to help in the future
I literally just found your channel today...I was almost fired from work again today because of my ADHD...I haven't been on my meds for over a year, just constantly feeling ashamed of taking them... I'm about to get married in December and rather than being excited...I have some really high anxiety about it because I am afraid she might leave me over my ADHD. Plus if I can't hold a job I cannot support her or a future family. At lunch from work, I came across your TEDX talk and it was so inspiring. I too was going to become a journalist but I dropped out of college...likewise I have been through almost 15 jobs. My parents still see me as a failure and somewhat disgrace to the family for quitting school. After watching your TED Talk and tons of your videos here...I can't tell you how much you have encouraged me. I think I might write a book over my experience with ADHD, You are an inspiration. Thank you
Always struggle this this part and the amount of times I screem I quit to myself internally after any minor mistake, no matter how minor it all is the same failure in my head. It's good to hear that your not alone, even if you know it it can be hard. I'm better at solving everyone else's issues but not mine.
I rarely ever comment on videos but something came over me with this one. I’m 21 and ADHD overtakes my life. It broke my family growing up as an only child with two parents that expected me to excel in school because they both got Masters degrees. I felt like a failure. I still have days (like today) where I feel depressed when I wake up late, forget to take my medication, and get nothing done. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my life away. Your channel has been a place to go to when I feel those lows. You’re a wonderful human. Keep continuing to make videos. One day I’ll know myself well enough to have it all under control, but until then, thank God for people like you to help along the way. ❤️
I recently got demoted at work yesterday and I was beating myself up over it pretty badly, even though I knew it was the right decision for them to make. It was still discouraging, and normally I would just isolate myself but I actually challenged myself to talk to someone in my small group and it helped me feel better quicker instead of keeping bottled up. Thank you!
This!!!! Self love was a biiig struggle for me in middle school. But a year or two ago I took a step back and made a conscious decision to try and stop putting myself down. I went to a little therapy group thing focused on that and it really helped. From that and tricks I’ve heard while looking on the internet the two biggest things I’ve learned was to one: please please please Stop making self deprecating jokes!!! They really are so bead because even if you think you don’t really believe what you are saying in them if you tell those jokes often enough you start to believe them. two: realize that everyone messes up and makes fools of themself. One thing I love to keep on mind that I don’t remember where I heard it from was When you’re walking down a long empty hall and you see someone you know, when you first notice them you’re too far away to say hi so you have to pretend you didn’t see them. You’re too busy making sure your walk looks right and you don’t wave too awkwardly and you say hello correctly and at the right time and that you look okay and this and that and the other thing that by the time you pass them you don’t even remember the way they said yellow or looked when they walked or anything. You where too busy making sure you didn’t seem “weird” But you gotta keep in mind that everyone does this! They wouldn’t judge you for any of the stuff that you did because they where making sure you didn’t do that to them! I don’t know if you get the idea or if it makes much sense but keeping that in mind makes me less self conscious and more able to help me love myself. If you minimize the embarrassment of overthinking every move you start to be less critical and more comfortable to be yourself and like it Anyway this was a great video as always tysm :)
i’m doing so many more things that are outside of my comfort zone like communicating via the internet and doing poetry slams with joint people and it reminds me that failure is an option it’s by default and will happen sometimes but it’s ok to practice kindness with myself , to myself and allow those uncomfortable emotions during mindfulness . this channel and the fb group - adhd for smartass women tracy outsouka literally heals me - helps my life since i was neglected as a little girl . thank u for making me not feel like a failure . ur voice is so compassionate too thank u!!!!
Hey! I literally just been diagnosed 3 weeks ago! I'm 29, I'm 3 years clean in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction! And 3 weeks on the meds... It's been the biggest struggle ! However... I can't not look at the results! It really is like putting glasses on! But I was terrified of what would happen as my body doesn't know the difference between drugs from the street and from a doctor! Living your channel! Feel absolutely inspired! And it's like past midnight in the UK! There's so many of us in recovery and medication really isn't an option in early recovery as it's too dangerous! I'm going to college in 3 weeks which wouldn't be possible without the meds! Fingers crossed this really can open my potential! Just wanna share some gratitude for your work absolutely blown away with the identification! Keep shining and keep making This ADHD tribe as big as possible. Thank you!!!!!
Stop beating yourself up was for me the most important step to feel more selfworth. Even if I fail at something, it's fine. If I succeed, that's fine too. If you fail, that's absolutely fine too. Looking at yourself with the utmost compassion is the most beautiful thing you can do for yourself.... You inspired me so much that I've created my own channel here to vlog about ADHD, insecurities, loneliness etc. If after a month I will lose interest in making videos.....that's absolutely fine too ;)
I love the advice with writing things down, as if you were talking to a friend. I'm very compassionate and soft when other people look for comfort, but I am very harsh with myself. I talked with my therapist about it and she helped me realise that one of the reasons i couldn't "break up with my inner critic" was because I didn't want to stop holding myself accountable for my mistakes. It was not what I was doing though. When I notice or point out the mistakes of people I love, I do it with love and kindness. I'm not blind to the misgivings of the people I love, but I would never be as harsh about them as I am with myself. I realised that when I criticise myself I do it the way I criticise the people I hate. I want to start seeing my mistakes like I see the mistakes of the people I love.
Programming my brain to react to those unfriendly thoughts with "Would I say that to someone else?" has been the best thing for my self-love/compassion :) great tip and thank you so much for what you are doing!
Never comment anywhere but I just wanted to say: Thanks, thanks a lot, this channel was one of the main reason why at my 37 I got diagnosed ADHD and I started understanding myself and why I do things the way that I do, hopefully start blaming less myself and feeling like I'm not triing enough.
My thanks to both of you for this reminder. I just finished several days worth classes required to move into management at work. I was already feeling frustrated and inadiquite at my perceived lack of progress going into class, and by yesterday afternoon was so discouraged that I sat at the back of the room and cried. You've reminded me to take a breath and be kind to myself. So I'm going to go take a nap outside in the hammock, then do some writing to get the chaos in my head on paper where it'll be clearer. Thanks for the work you do to run this channel!
I'm newly diagnosed and this is the second of your videos that almost brought me to (happy) tears. Prior to diagnosis 2 months ago, happy tears were super weird to me. I never understood them. I wasn't ever present, happy, and hopeful enough to even imagine how that was possible. Thanks for being a part of my journey.
This is so relatable, im so glad a friend recommended me this channel, its helped learn more creative ways to adapt to myself and learn more about the way i am, youre a saint! U got this sub
Hi My name is Michael and as someone that was diagnosed 30 years ago I need to say thank you I have learned so much since I stumbled across your channel it has helped me understand a lot that I didn’t know or understand and that has made me a lot more excepting of my own failures and struggles and has inspired me to open up to the people close to me about it most have never known because I have never talked about it you are doing an amazing job I look forward to a lot more to come again thank you very much
I don't normally comment on things, but I did want to just say thank you for having this channel. I've been struggling a lot recently, and going through your videos has been giving me a really helpful and positive outlook on things. Thank you for having this channel and putting all this work in. Your videos are so important.
I haven't watched the video yet, but I'm going to say I found your channel today and honestly I am SO glad. I'm a teenager with ADHD and i'm going to a new school. I am beating myself up CONSTANTLY and your video 'ADHD and relationships' really brought light to some things that are very important, and that I didn't previously know. Thank you so much Lexa!
Discovered you following a severe ADHD-induced breakdown and was shown your TED talk. Thank you for helping me understand myself a little bit better, and also learning if I do go on medication, at least I won’t regenerate into someone completely different, but someone better than where I am right now.
Thank you for this video, and channel! I've been trying to make videos over and over again for the past few years and keep stopping thanks to ADHD. I've only recently (few months ago) learned that I have ADHD and a lot of things in my life started to make sense! Also decided to give it another go and probably start streaming and making videos again. It's so hard to be consistent and keep going!
I've only just found this channel and I'm already a subscriber. I've had adhd all my life and at 32 I'm only just starting to understand it. Thank you for making this Channel.
hi, i just discovered you last night and just watched your tedx talk tonight - i don't think i'll ever forget your message. thank you so much for your resonating vibe and energy, you've helped me go far, i know x
I was diagnosed as a kid, but no one including myself really cared enough about it to keep me on my meds. As an adult, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but even with treating those, I still felt like garbage. Then... I was re-diagnosed with ADHD and am now on meds for it, in combination for depression meds... and this is the most “normal” I have ever felt. It also seems like a lot of my depression symptoms might actually be linked to the ADHD. Crazy how it took 30 years to really figure out the issue.
I love this video. Every video I watch I'm finding ways to be a better mom, friend, and human being, because I'm finding ways to apply it to my own life. Thank you.
Hey! I just want to thank you for this and other videos. I've been dealing with this time when I research and schedule medical appointments to investigate whether or not I have adhd, and it's been exhausting; It's hard to talk to friends or family, because they have this image of people with adhd as someone who can't graduate, stand still, or with whom is impossible to talk to. Watching your videos is like talking to a very clever version of me, someone who understands me perfectly. It's helping me to go beyond what I've always been and self-compassion is helping me to finally start to try once more, without the thoughts that it will never be possible. thanks a lot :)
I feel like frequently your videos get me to cry and I don't normally understand why lol but I don't really show myself enough self love so I think I understand why this one got to me. Thanks for making this.
As a teen going into high school with ADHD I experienced the highs and lows that come with it and yeah sometimes when I make a mistake I get caught in a downward spiral of self hate but now after finding your channel it all started to make sense. Seeing others just like me I can see others have been through the same things i have. your channel is like a light in the dark for those with adhd. Thank you for giving me the explanations i needed and giving me a way to learn ways to cope. Thanks again!
Thanks, I really needed this after some work anxiety over some screwups that just stuck with me for a bit too long this past week. I'm gonna try following your advice this week, and hopefully be less negative and anxiety prone..
Oh, how funny the universe is. I JUST replied to a comment in the wall of awful part 2 video pretty much summarizing what you so amazingly talked about this video. I gotta be a bit selfish and give myself a pat on the back, as I see this as evidence that I actually have learned something from diving into the self-help world. Thank you for spotlighting Dr. Neff's insights on self-compassion. I was actually introduced to her work through Brené Brown's 'Daring Greatly' book, which is about her research on how shame wrecks havoc in our lives and society, and which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone who is reading this as it changed the way I viewed myself and my shortcomings. Both of their work has been crucial to my mental health improving in the last few years.
thank you thank you thank you. My inner critic needed to be checked tonight, and I had no idea this was an ADHD side effect. This channel makes me feel so seen.
Back then, I used to beat myself up so often for what went wrong. I am a perfectionist and no wonder why I do it. I still do it to this day but I do it way less than before. When I look back at it, I laugh at myself and tell that nothing is ever perfect.
Oh gosh this is making me cry!!! I'm 40, I was diagnosed when I was a child, but I was never medicated. But now watching your videos I think I need to do something about it. Thank you for your channel 🙏🏻
This is so timely. Last semester at university, I had to drop out of a class because I wasn't 'getting' it and didn't have time to catch up, because of life stuff. I'm repeating the class this semester and still struggling with the material. It took me 2 hours to get through a 1 hour lecture yesterday, which was really getting me down - until I reminded myself that specific lecture was what made me quit last time, and I got THROUGH it! :)
I stumbled upon your Ted talk because I was desperately looking for answers to issues I couldn’t explain to others, after watching that video and finding your channel I feel like everything makes sense now! I’m 30 and haven’t gotten diagnosed yet but every video I’ve watched on your channel has been like looking in a mirror thank you for what you do, I’m going to schedule an evaluation now and I finally feel like I have the right point of reference for everything that’s happened in my life and many things I didn’t understand just make sense now 🙏🏾
This is so timely for me. I have made some mistakes last week based off impulse. This has made me question myself over and over again to the point I don't want to be in my head anymore. THANK YOU for this video and for helping me out!
I saw this video when you first released it, but I just watched it again because quarantine has been rough on my ADHD brain. Thank you for the reminder. ❤️
I was diagnosed as a child (4th grade) with ADHD. I was bounced around between Ritilin and Adderall. Finally, I voluntarily stopped taking the medications after I graduated High School in 2007 as I prefer the challenge of learning to control myself without medication. However, lately I have been considering returning to medication. I have been lacking in focus, my emotions have been wildly out of control and my job performance is starting to slip. In fact, as if to illustrate my point, I am writing this at the tail end of my work day...whoops. But, I stumbled onto this video today and it couldn't have been more coincidental (or proof that the internet knows everything that we do and think) because I have been berating myself and slowly slipping into madness today as I have been failing at finding motivation, and when I finally did, failed at everything that I tried. These videos have been a joy to watch if for no other reason than to point out "yeah, I've been there, I know what THAT is like." Also, am I the only one that notices that you have some form of v-neck in every video?? Dig the consistency!
Jessica, you are such a blessing. In the last month since discovering you, you have helped to change my life for the better. People ate noticing the changes in me. Love from Australia. Xx
A few days after we finished writing and filming this, I messed something up and started beating myself up over that. Then I remembered that we had just written this episode, and so I thought "What a hypocrite! You just wrote an episode on self-compassion and you're not doing it!"
I had to remind myself that judgments are normal and they are going to happen, and that I can acknowledge them and move on instead of dwelling on them or beating myself up over them.
Oh and the build your own noah kits were cool but Bernie is the boy for sure, I have 3 now 😂😂😂
@_ David _ Yes, she is. Excuse me for saying so, but that's not really the point xD
What's interesting is that your thought started with a lie -- "What a hypocrite!" On the contrary, the fact that you returned to these thought patterns after the mess-up is proof that you genuinely understand what it's like to struggle with these thoughts & feelings. They run deep! and as you mention in the video, changing them is much easier said than done...MUCH easier.
You brought a new insight to me -- when we engage in self-accusation, we have a tendency to mix in some outright lies and falsehoods into our accusations. It's as if the bad feelings have a way of multiplying (instead of adding), and can really gain momentum unless he have ways of diffusing them.
Your authenticity really gives your messages meaning. I'd much rather hear a message from someone who continues to wrestle with the issues than someone else in their ivory high tower lecturing on what they know only in theory and not in practice.
So I thank you for this video, and wish you well as you ... rather, WE ... run this marathon together and keep those overly critical voices at bay. And I sure you've already helped several others take that first step as well. Appreciate you and this site very much!
@_ David _ Her name is Jessica
I just to do exactly that before, now when I made a mistake I laugh not to make fun of myself but to make fun of mistake itself
By doing this I remove the negative connotation of the mistake and replace it for positive, happy and fun connotation
Believe me it work great
Does anyone else have a lot of compassion for other people but almost none for themselves? I’m harder on myself than anyone else is on me in my life. I’m trying to change but gosh it’s hard.
Sameeeeeee!!!!!! Probably one of the thing I struggle the most with!!!!!!
Here a Virtual Bear Hug, 🤗!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a puppo, his name is Sammy, 🐕!!!!!!!!!!!
I do that all the time. Sometimes I'm downright cruel to myself.... But will always give others the benefit of the doubt. SMDH logic 🤦♂️🤷♂️
Exactly right. I'm always first in line to help others and have done some pretty extraordinary things to comfort, counsel, and serve others in pain. Perhaps those who suffer are much more attuned to pain in other people and more compassionate to their situations. Agree that it would be helpful if we learned how to siphon some of that compassion back towards ourselves at times.
It's quite possibly a people pleasing complex, that is usually in line with other adhd struggles like RSD.
A-FRICKEN-MEN
I most often heard, "You can do so much better than this," which perhaps unintentionally implied that my mistakes were evidence of laziness, regardless of my level of effort. Utterly demoralizing.
defenestrati I got that constantly in high school, before I knew that I had ADHD. So hurtful, even if it wasn’t intended that way!
@@hannahclaire4683 Same here. High School was negative self talk graduate school. "You could do so much better if you just applied yourself and exercised more self discipline" was my number one training phrase.
My favorite was "She could do amazing things if the just chose to apply herself."
Yes yes yes. "This is an honors course, I expect more from you" was my LIFE through high school
@@kiapet286 Sounds like you're describing MY LIFE. I didn't get diagnosed until my sophomore year of college, talk about high-functioning mental illness, amiright?
I wish I was wrong...
I forgot to pay the water bill and our water got turned off yesterday. I cringed all morning expecting my family to yell and come down on me... so I came down on myself first. I beat myself up for 3 hours before the woke up and realized what happened.
To my shock, the first time in my LIFE.. no lectures.
Just understanding. Yes, I had the money. Okay, so lets go fix it. The water was back on in a few hours and it was hardly noticeable, barely an inconvenience! XD
But I still cried.. because I was met with love and understanding instead of criticizing and put downs.
It made the whole situation seem so... mild.
When usually it would feel like a tragedy!
I had a 3 month streak of paying my water bill after 5 on the due date. Which means I got fined $5 After the last time I was literally screaming at the water company to no one
My wife pays our bills.I’ve had credit cards get cancelled cause I’d forget to pay them. I’d remember to pay them in the middle of a meeting, or at some point when I couldn’t do anything about it. Online banking has been a Godsend
That is honestly amazing
this is my dream
Why do I find myself crying when I watch these videos? Because I'm almost 60 and ADHD has affected my life so much that I feel misunderstood and defeated most of the time.
Same here. I have finally started real therapy and am exploring getting ADHD meds. But there's so much damage done by decades of being called careless, sloppy, daydreaming, uncaring, mercurial, etc... that I felt the need to finally address my self-image on top of medicating and developing skills. The ADHD Diagnosed in Adulthood group in Facebook has been very encouraging and supportive for those of us who spent our adult lives undiagnosed. They told me it's never too late to find a better way forward. *Hugs* and luck in your journey through ADHD.
❤️
You are so valid and wonderful! I hope you live an amazing life!
I just wanted to say thank you for having this channel. It's literally saved my life.
all the hugs.
* virtually hug!* 🤗
I tried to end my life in November 2014, around the same time I found out I had ADHD. Thankfully my attempt didn't work and 2015 brought better things.
I searched for help on UA-cam, but there was no ADHD channel. JustMissJenn discussed her ADHD openly, but I really needed a channel that discussed science and research and the broader experience of people like me as well as ways to cope and make life more manageable.
I kept searching UA-cam every month or two, hoping a channel like this was being created. Finally it was! I'm so grateful to Jessica for making HowtoADHD. If I'd had it in 2014, I might not have tried to get run over by a bus. I'm glad this channel has saved your life, treason6661
. I'm sure it will continue saving others.
@@Sara-vn2kzawww JustMissJen's video is what inspired me to make my videos public! Originally they were meant to be for me as like an ADHD toolbox but I saw how helpful hers were in the comments and decided to share :D
@@Sara-vn2kz btw thank you so much for sharing, I think it's so important that we talk about this stuff. I'm glad you're still here. The world needs you.
From a life time of hearing “try harder” It’s nice to hear, “you’re trying hard” every once and a while
Reading these comments is like having a virtual support group who all understand what I go through on a daily basis
Thank you for making this video!
If you Facebook, beautiful mayhem is a great group. There are others too for ADHD.
“Give yourself the kindness you’d give a friend”
I’m crying, why don’t I ever think of that?
Ursie Minor I’m gonna cry with you! You’re not alone!
Irish Puno you too! It feels so good to know others know how I feel ❤️
"Do to others as you would have them do to you." - Luke 6:31
@@ThatMysteriousMan1 and "Love your fellow as yourself" -- implying that you also must love yourself! Or maybe what we need to hear also is: Don't forget to love yourself the way you love your fellow!
What if I don't have friends😅😅😅😭
My meds are wearing off and I'm at the end of a work day. I tried watching but couldn't focus enough to understand. I gave you a thumbs up anyway because I know that all your videos bring help to brains and hearts alike. I'll have to watch this again when I have more mental energy. Thanks Jess!
You sound like my wife towards the end of the day. She is a fast metabolizer. Anyway, Instead of watching and listening, maybe try just listening? It helps her when she wants to watch a video with me but can’t focus and doesn’t want to take a booster.
This is so relatibal its painfull 😶😑😩
@@stephw6046 hahaha I play games on my phone while listening.. that's what helps
It's really telling how ingrained this is when my first reaction was: "I don't deserve to be kind to myself." I often "jokingly" say that I hate myself or put myself down in front of my 2.5 year old and it's an example that I need to stop setting for her. I feel a deep resistance inside for trying this, but I'll try.
I've struggled a lot with that myself. One of the things that has helped is thinking "All people deserve kindness, so by virtue of being a person, I deserve kindness too." Also, there's research showing that practicing self-compassion helps reduce the risk of burning out from being compassionate to others, so if nothing else, do it for them!
GAH. I'm currently in an I-messed-up moment and I'm struggling to be kind to myself. When you have insecure attachment, well, it's extra hard to show self-appreciation. I feel like I failed the whole entire world and that the whole world hates me. Just finished my very late deadline. It's 3am where I'm at and it's literally dark and stormy outside. Thanks for this little ray of sunshine.
Thank you for doing this show. My 8yr old daughter has ADHD and is struggling with what it means, beating herself up, and wishing she didn't have it. I introduced her to your show and she enjoys watching it. She requests to watch it almost daily. It's helping her (and myself) to better understand ADHD.
I'm curious, how's she doing now?
I swear there's always a moment or two in your videos where I get teary-eyed when I realise that I'm not the only one who has these problems. Thanks for making them, I really enjoy them and they mean a lot to me.
Your channel helped me realize I was not stupid lazy etc. but most importantly not alone. Thank you!
This may be one of the more important videos you’ve done. We are, more often than not, our own harshest critics. When I was growing up in the 70s and early 80s, there was no where near the understanding there is today. You can only be criticized so much before you internalize that feedback.
Even now, in my 50s, I’m very quick to be harsh to myself. I sometimes wonder if that’s why rates of drug and alcohol abuse are higher amongst the ADHD community. An escape from our criticism.
As always, thank you very much for what you do. Keep up the great work.
It just might be. Alcohol & drugs can deaden the hurt of criticism and when ADHD are criticized so much, it makes sense.
I haven’t even watched yet, but it literally brought tears to my eyes when the notification for this video popped up. I really need this, This is a God-send right now, thank you.
Sarah Raquel LaLonde me too, I said it was a God sent video too ❤️ He knows when we need things the most and it looks like a lot of us needed it at this exact time ❤️
I wish I had found it when you did.
I might have saved myself a year of torturing myself over a mistake.
@@Possiblyabandaid OK... but now that you've seen the video, don't beat yourself up over not having seen it earlier. Its possible you needed that time to process everything about the mistake. I'm glad you've made it to this point... and hope you've been able to give yourself some grace. :-)
-Starts beating everyone else up and not just yourself -
NO DUCKIE! THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT!
haha me!
Me: Runs away in confusion.
* popcorn *
I actually encounter this in about 1-2 kids out of 40. Rejection sensitivity and overly critical parenting; such a toxic combination.
Oooh so *that's* the cycle of abuse.
Literally in the throes of this right now. I just finished my bachelor's this week which means its finally time to change careers. I've never felt less competent or confident. I keep thinking that in a pile of applicants there's no way I am the one most qualified and that makes me feel like it's not worth trying.
If it helps: you don't always have to be the one most qualified to get the job, please don't focus on that. I have hired lesser qualified people out of the pile of letters because their personality fit the job and/or the team better. Actually, ALL the people I hired were not the highest qualified based on their CV alone. Never regretted it. A great personality trait of most people with adhd is our enthusiasm for things we like (even if you might think it's only "normal"). That is a very powerful tool for writing letters and doing interviews. Wish you the best in finding your way!
Congratulations on your bachelors!!
If it helps, you aren't alone. I graduated last year too, and because of a lot of different factors, I've been unemployed ever since. Now I'm in a place where I can finally start looking for work again and I'm absolutely terrified. I'm having the exact same thoughts and feelings
Yay. Oh this helps so much. It made me cry, because my parents and grandparents are constantly putting me down, and now I have started doing it to myself.
Thank you Jessica.
❤️
* Virtually Hug!* 🤗
Oh please don't put yourself down!! It's like yelling at a child bc they don't how to drive. You do things differently and that's ok. Hang tight, be nice to you!
Abnormal Aoibh it’s ok *hugs*. Sometimes it’s hard but I always take comfort in having wonderful friends, and an awesome sibling that always stands up for me. Your parents are probably scared or repeating behavior taught by your grandparents, but in time, they’ll realize that you’re wonderful the way you are. Don’t resent them for it. :)
oof i was JUST struggling with this exact concept bless you 😖
Same!!!
Same !!!
Same. 😅
Aren't us ADHD people always beating are selfs up?
attempts at self compassion just feel like I'm lying to myself, trying to make excuses and thus ends up fueling the flames, so to speak...
i know how you feel
I literally had a physical emotional response to just reading “try harder” in the beginning of the video!
Failure is good because it means your trying to be better, and whether you have adhd or not, you should be proud of yourself for at least trying, and be amazed at yourself when you try again.
I literally just got back from therapy and we were literally just talking about being compassionate to yourself and not beating my self up. What a coincidence!
Yes that's what my first comment on this video was trying to get to but I totally forgot. Same with my therapist.
My counselor told me that too!
oh no, oops, look at this, why am I Sobbing Crying
in other words: Thank You I Really Needed This Specifically Today
Jess, thank you! I absolutely felt this way as a child....heck I still do. I am so good at shoving all my issues down into a pit in my soul, but self compassion is huge!
And hey...don't forget to apply this to yourself!
Self kindness is hard! The combination of RSD and being hypercritical of my own performance used to tie me up in knots and I would end up giving up and running away instead of trying.
I'm slightly better (ok, a lot better) these days, since finding this channel gave me the courage to get diagnosed (at 29! A bit over 2 years ago), lifted me up when I felt like I was alone and a failure, and helped to cement the importance of some of my (healthy) coping mechanisms.
You do fantastic work
Thank you for the perfectly timed video!!! I've been struggling with this for a while now and not knowing what to do.
Life has been tough on me the past few weeks, and I’ve been giving myself the whole, “I should have done…” type of conversations more frequently than ever. Thank you for reminding me to be kinder to myself 🙏🏽
3:35 Great tip! Pretend that "you" are the "friend" that you want to help/advise. (I often procrastinate by trying to help others and I get distracted ...when I really need to be working on my own "shtuff" ...like right now!
This is exactly what I needed. I have just got home from a festival where I got too excited and overwhelmed on the first day and completely depleted all my energy and burnt myself out, so that I ended up missing all the music I wanted to watch the next day and slept the whole evening/ night instead. I was beating myself up over my inability to pace myself or regulate my energy levels, but after watching this I will work on accepting that it's happened now, and it's okay, and not to worry about it too much. I feel really regretful that I didn't make it out on the second night but it's not my fault, and thank you for helping me realise that ❤
I'm new here! I was diagnosed with ADD back in my 20s and was told there was nothing I can do about it. I would beat myself up so hard when I make the smallest of mistakes as that's what I'm used to. It's nice to see someone say, it's ok, let's move on. I love these videos! Thanks for doing them!
Yup! We're all human, and if there's one thing all humans have in common, it's being terrible at most things and messing up. Mistakes are going to happen, and once one does, the only thing to do is figure out what changes you can make to reduce the likelihood of it happening again.
Lexa from How to ADHD oh that’s good!!
@@kimdkus And if we're going to make changes, first we have to be open and accepting of where we're at and what happened, with as little skew from the bias of judgment as we can.
Lexa from How to ADHD can u do a video on how to deal w ADHD on the job in an office setting? As hard as I try I make a lot of mistakes and my boss told me to focus more and make less mistakes. It seems I do work harder than others here and still struggle w stress.
Come Flag with Me That's actually an episode Jessica was hoping to have me help write since it's an important topic and she doesn't have much personal experience in the matter to draw from. Not sure when specifically we'll get to it but it's definitely a topic we'd like to cover!
In the pursuit of a happier and healthier lifestyle, this very topic has been my primary focus for many months now. Alas, it is far too easy for some of us to forget about loving ourselves, and instead we unknowingly pollute our subconscious with thoughts of toxicity. I imagine most of us are kind and thoughtful to others, even willing to forgive heinous shortcomings. However, we seem to uninvite ourselves into this thoughtful embrace of acceptance. That being said, thank you for this daily reminder. We can all benefit from a little bit more self-compassion, and that goes for you too, Jessica.
GPS:
>Location: *Embarrassed and disappointed*
>Destination: *Proud & successful*
That actually helped a little. 🙂
Thank you this is really helpful. I was diagnosed with ADHD because I experience all of the symptoms, but then was undiagnosed because I don’t show the symptoms at school or in public places. Even though I’m still trying to figure out what’s up with my brain, these videos still really help and apply to me.
This video was really needed right now. Lately I’ve been struggling with my shortcomings and how I’ve been processing them, so this was very helpful. Thank you! ❤️
Sameeeee!!!! Thank you soo Jess!!!!!!💕💕
I could've said the same thing before this comment. and it is helpful.
My whole life since I was born I’ve had adhd. Everyone knew I was a little different and in 4th grade I started taking adderall. It made me stop eating, stop talking, and it never helped me focus. It hid my emotions so I was only depressed and I was always made fun of for being a constant “Debbie downer”. I never felt smart because everyone was able to focus meaning they could learn what was being taught while I was distracted by trying to make myself happy. I graduated knowing the bare minimum and not knowing a single thing about myself. I drowned in my mental illnesses after school ended and I began to become suicidal and very manic. I ran way from home, did some crazy stuff and was blessed enough for my family to welcome me back home as if nothing happened. I started taking the time to learn about myself and fate decided to help me out. I discovered a home where individuals with developmental disabilities lived and decided that it was the best thing for me because I love making people happy and helping anyone in need. It changed my life COMPLETELY. I still have all my mental illnesses of course but it gave me the will to live and improve myself for them so I can help them more. It made me realize that there’s so many people with issues even if they’re different than my own but they accept me like nothing is wrong with me. People with disabilities seem so much more open to the idea that it doesn’t matter if someone is a little different, they could be the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Thank you for helping me even more by helping me with the biggest issues I don’t think I could learn all on my own. This is something I’ve been trying to learn very recently and I appreciate you so much. Thank you for showing me that everything I do that I don’t understand is from my ADHD. But I’d never get rid of it. It makes me who I am and I have never been so proud to have it. ❤️❤️❤️
Your videos have definitely changed my life and how I have learned to deal with ADHD. I watched your TEDtalk and it made me cry and realized I finally wasn't alone, and then I decided to get myself evaluated for ADHD, and was diagnosed with both ADD & ADHD. I was already going to counseling and so finding this out helped make sense of some of my struggles in life. I want to thank you for being vulnerable and real, So that I and us Brains know that we have other people who understand and want to help us! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and please keep sharing! We are here for you too!! ♡
- Fellow Brain
I lost what I thought was a close friend of 4 years this past week suddenly and without warning. Because of that, my old self critic crept back in, telling me I didn't deserve friends, and that his rejection was proof that nobody likes me. This video came in good timing! Thank you.
I just saw your TEDx talk and cried three times. I've never felt so validated in my life except from getting my diagnosis. I'm 22, I didn't get diagnosed until a few months ago.
Thank you.
I beat myself up over literally every little thing, and it's exhausting really. Without a distraction I'll beat myself up until I feel so sad and worthless I don't want to do anything any more. I don't have ADHD, but this video helped me a lot, thanks
I am so thankful for your input it helps me understand what’s going on in my son head but what’s hard he also have a learning disability where it takes him time to get things and also It’s hard to talk to a 7 year old to get him to think differently about himself I hear him consistently talking negative about himself it hurts me to the core to the point I sometimes gets mad about it
Diagnosed at 40 years old, I have sufferd 2 burn-outs, I still don't have the courage to tell people. There is a huge stigma on AD(H)D. Just like most of us, I've been told I can do better, I was lazy and should pay more attention. At school, high-school and now at my (7th) job. Don't try to overcompensate by trying to do everything perfect. It will ruin you. Try your best. We AD(H)D people have unique brains which are wired to think out of the box. Find a study or a job in which you can use this talent. Not just artistic jobs, but also jobs that require a lot of trouble shooting and getting around problems (finally found mine, where they like thinking outside the box). Thanks for all the info. This channel gave me the courage to finally speak about this (as the world sees it) problem. Now 5 years later, I'm finally ready to break down my "wall of awful".
Grtz. Danny
Thank you for your videos. I was just diagnosed a couple of hours ago with ADHD. I feel better to know many things are not my fault and that there is a reason and an apology knowing why.
Jessica you are so wonderful in your approach on this topic. Wishing you well and keep making these positive and supportive videos. Your heart is so in the right place and helping so many people out there. Again thank you!
Have been struggling a lot recently, not just with the criticism of myself, but that of other people, too. There are definitely more places in life where I could be more compassionate and kind to myself. Thank you for this reminder!
Hello from France 🇫🇷 👋 (where ADHD exists too ;).)
I KNEW IT! :D
Aidex-moi, I don't know French I just Google translate that!!!!🤣🤣
Hello France from America!😁😁😂
@@lilajean8146 If you want to learn French you can ask, you just found two french people ^^ 🇫🇷
Lila Basener just a tip, replace the x with a z :P
I just wanted to say hi. Brand new Brain here. Just diagnosed at 35 years old. Feels so good knowing I'm not broken. Started meds 5 days ago and it's already making such a difference. I think I would have been scared to if I hadn't found your channel so thank you.
I am 38 and was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. My therapist was always saying my comments made her feel I had it but at this age what the heck did it all really mean. I was who I was and it was just my quirks. I was told by someone to see this channel and it has been eye opening! I get really emotional when she says how things are for ADHD brains and talks to other brains and I think for once I am not alone. I struggle so much but can put on the face of a person who seems to be like everyone else.
This video points to one of my biggest faults. I can care for perfect strangers but when it comes to self care I fail miserably. I hate myself and I talk down to myself. I take care of children and my therapist always say how would I treat others who feel like I do? I would do anything I could to help them but I CAN'T find what is needed to do the same for myself.
So these videos have been making me cry out of happiness and relief because I felt for so long that no one understood me and that no one ever would. It’s such a comfort hearing and seeing these things. Thank you.
I needed this video. I was just beating myself up because I always try to make people laugh and when someone gets really close, I try to keep them in as much as possible, so when I say something that doesn't get the intended reaction, I am ruthless towards myself
This really helps because I have ADHD and from his very severe I have no way out of control my emotions and videos kind of give me a better understanding so thank you for that I think it’s going to help in the future
I literally just found your channel today...I was almost fired from work again today because of my ADHD...I haven't been on my meds for over a year, just constantly feeling ashamed of taking them... I'm about to get married in December and rather than being excited...I have some really high anxiety about it because I am afraid she might leave me over my ADHD. Plus if I can't hold a job I cannot support her or a future family.
At lunch from work, I came across your TEDX talk and it was so inspiring. I too was going to become a journalist but I dropped out of college...likewise I have been through almost 15 jobs. My parents still see me as a failure and somewhat disgrace to the family for quitting school. After watching your TED Talk and tons of your videos here...I can't tell you how much you have encouraged me.
I think I might write a book over my experience with ADHD, You are an inspiration. Thank you
Holy cow I needed this video so much. Was diagnosed with adhd about 20 years ago and this is one thing I still struggle with to this day
Always struggle this this part and the amount of times I screem I quit to myself internally after any minor mistake, no matter how minor it all is the same failure in my head.
It's good to hear that your not alone, even if you know it it can be hard.
I'm better at solving everyone else's issues but not mine.
Just refreshed my youtube in the midst of a shame spiral and came upon this. Thank you.
I rarely ever comment on videos but something came over me with this one. I’m 21 and ADHD overtakes my life. It broke my family growing up as an only child with two parents that expected me to excel in school because they both got Masters degrees. I felt like a failure. I still have days (like today) where I feel depressed when I wake up late, forget to take my medication, and get nothing done. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my life away. Your channel has been a place to go to when I feel those lows. You’re a wonderful human. Keep continuing to make videos. One day I’ll know myself well enough to have it all under control, but until then, thank God for people like you to help along the way. ❤️
I recently got demoted at work yesterday and I was beating myself up over it pretty badly, even though I knew it was the right decision for them to make. It was still discouraging, and normally I would just isolate myself but I actually challenged myself to talk to someone in my small group and it helped me feel better quicker instead of keeping bottled up. Thank you!
This!!!!
Self love was a biiig struggle for me in middle school. But a year or two ago I took a step back and made a conscious decision to try and stop putting myself down. I went to a little therapy group thing focused on that and it really helped. From that and tricks I’ve heard while looking on the internet the two biggest things I’ve learned was to
one: please please please Stop making self deprecating jokes!!! They really are so bead because even if you think you don’t really believe what you are saying in them if you tell those jokes often enough you start to believe them.
two: realize that everyone messes up and makes fools of themself.
One thing I love to keep on mind that I don’t remember where I heard it from was When you’re walking down a long empty hall and you see someone you know, when you first notice them you’re too far away to say hi so you have to pretend you didn’t see them. You’re too busy making sure your walk looks right and you don’t wave too awkwardly and you say hello correctly and at the right time and that you look okay and this and that and the other thing that by the time you pass them you don’t even remember the way they said yellow or looked when they walked or anything. You where too busy making sure you didn’t seem “weird” But you gotta keep in mind that everyone does this! They wouldn’t judge you for any of the stuff that you did because they where making sure you didn’t do that to them!
I don’t know if you get the idea or if it makes much sense but keeping that in mind makes me less self conscious and more able to help me love myself.
If you minimize the embarrassment of overthinking every move you start to be less critical and more comfortable to be yourself and like it
Anyway this was a great video as always tysm :)
i’m doing so many more things that are outside of my comfort zone like communicating via the internet and doing poetry slams with joint people and it reminds me that failure is an option it’s by default and will happen sometimes but it’s ok to practice kindness with myself , to myself and allow those uncomfortable emotions during mindfulness . this channel and the fb group - adhd for smartass women tracy outsouka literally heals me - helps my life since i was neglected as a little girl . thank u for making me not feel like a failure . ur voice is so compassionate too thank u!!!!
Hey! I literally just been diagnosed 3 weeks ago! I'm 29, I'm 3 years clean in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction! And 3 weeks on the meds... It's been the biggest struggle ! However... I can't not look at the results! It really is like putting glasses on! But I was terrified of what would happen as my body doesn't know the difference between drugs from the street and from a doctor! Living your channel! Feel absolutely inspired! And it's like past midnight in the UK! There's so many of us in recovery and medication really isn't an option in early recovery as it's too dangerous! I'm going to college in 3 weeks which wouldn't be possible without the meds! Fingers crossed this really can open my potential! Just wanna share some gratitude for your work absolutely blown away with the identification! Keep shining and keep making This ADHD tribe as big as possible. Thank you!!!!!
A good reminder. Thanks for this.
Stop beating yourself up was for me the most important step to feel more selfworth. Even if I fail at something, it's fine. If I succeed, that's fine too. If you fail, that's absolutely fine too. Looking at yourself with the utmost compassion is the most beautiful thing you can do for yourself....
You inspired me so much that I've created my own channel here to vlog about ADHD, insecurities, loneliness etc. If after a month I will lose interest in making videos.....that's absolutely fine too ;)
I love the advice with writing things down, as if you were talking to a friend. I'm very compassionate and soft when other people look for comfort, but I am very harsh with myself.
I talked with my therapist about it and she helped me realise that one of the reasons i couldn't "break up with my inner critic" was because I didn't want to stop holding myself accountable for my mistakes. It was not what I was doing though.
When I notice or point out the mistakes of people I love, I do it with love and kindness. I'm not blind to the misgivings of the people I love, but I would never be as harsh about them as I am with myself. I realised that when I criticise myself I do it the way I criticise the people I hate.
I want to start seeing my mistakes like I see the mistakes of the people I love.
Programming my brain to react to those unfriendly thoughts with "Would I say that to someone else?" has been the best thing for my self-love/compassion :) great tip and thank you so much for what you are doing!
Never comment anywhere but I just wanted to say: Thanks, thanks a lot, this channel was one of the main reason why at my 37 I got diagnosed ADHD and I started understanding myself and why I do things the way that I do, hopefully start blaming less myself and feeling like I'm not triing enough.
My thanks to both of you for this reminder. I just finished several days worth classes required to move into management at work. I was already feeling frustrated and inadiquite at my perceived lack of progress going into class, and by yesterday afternoon was so discouraged that I sat at the back of the room and cried. You've reminded me to take a breath and be kind to myself. So I'm going to go take a nap outside in the hammock, then do some writing to get the chaos in my head on paper where it'll be clearer.
Thanks for the work you do to run this channel!
This couldn't have come at a more essential time for me. Thank you for this and ALL your content.
I'm newly diagnosed and this is the second of your videos that almost brought me to (happy) tears. Prior to diagnosis 2 months ago, happy tears were super weird to me. I never understood them. I wasn't ever present, happy, and hopeful enough to even imagine how that was possible. Thanks for being a part of my journey.
This is so relatable, im so glad a friend recommended me this channel, its helped learn more creative ways to adapt to myself and learn more about the way i am, youre a saint! U got this sub
I’m so happy you built this community for other people to enjoy, you are a good person.
Hi My name is Michael and as someone that was diagnosed 30 years ago I need to say thank you I have learned so much since I stumbled across your channel it has helped me understand a lot that I didn’t know or understand and that has made me a lot more excepting of my own failures and struggles and has inspired me to open up to the people close to me about it most have never known because I have never talked about it you are doing an amazing job I look forward to a lot more to come again thank you very much
I don't normally comment on things, but I did want to just say thank you for having this channel. I've been struggling a lot recently, and going through your videos has been giving me a really helpful and positive outlook on things. Thank you for having this channel and putting all this work in. Your videos are so important.
I haven't watched the video yet, but I'm going to say I found your channel today and honestly I am SO glad. I'm a teenager with ADHD and i'm going to a new school. I am beating myself up CONSTANTLY and your video 'ADHD and relationships' really brought light to some things that are very important, and that I didn't previously know. Thank you so much Lexa!
Thank you! Always helpful :) This is what I needed; I've been on a self-hatred/ self- criticism spree lately and it needed to stop
Discovered you following a severe ADHD-induced breakdown and was shown your TED talk. Thank you for helping me understand myself a little bit better, and also learning if I do go on medication, at least I won’t regenerate into someone completely different, but someone better than where I am right now.
Thank you for this video, and channel!
I've been trying to make videos over and over again for the past few years and keep stopping thanks to ADHD.
I've only recently (few months ago) learned that I have ADHD and a lot of things in my life started to make sense!
Also decided to give it another go and probably start streaming and making videos again. It's so hard to be consistent and keep going!
I've only just found this channel and I'm already a subscriber. I've had adhd all my life and at 32 I'm only just starting to understand it. Thank you for making this Channel.
This is god sent I love your channel and found this video just by searching beating yourself up
I'm so glad I found your channel. I'm recently diagnosed and you have made me feel like this is the best news in the world. Thank you!!
hi, i just discovered you last night and just watched your tedx talk tonight - i don't think i'll ever forget your message. thank you so much for your resonating vibe and energy, you've helped me go far, i know x
I was diagnosed as a kid, but no one including myself really cared enough about it to keep me on my meds. As an adult, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but even with treating those, I still felt like garbage. Then... I was re-diagnosed with ADHD and am now on meds for it, in combination for depression meds... and this is the most “normal” I have ever felt. It also seems like a lot of my depression symptoms might actually be linked to the ADHD. Crazy how it took 30 years to really figure out the issue.
I know that exercise is mindfulness for me. It's time just for me and feeling everything. It's so helpful. I love it.
I love this video. Every video I watch I'm finding ways to be a better mom, friend, and human being, because I'm finding ways to apply it to my own life. Thank you.
Hey! I just want to thank you for this and other videos.
I've been dealing with this time when I research and schedule medical appointments to investigate whether or not I have adhd, and it's been exhausting; It's hard to talk to friends or family, because they have this image of people with adhd as someone who can't graduate, stand still, or with whom is impossible to talk to.
Watching your videos is like talking to a very clever version of me, someone who understands me perfectly. It's helping me to go beyond what I've always been and self-compassion is helping me to finally start to try once more, without the thoughts that it will never be possible.
thanks a lot :)
I feel like frequently your videos get me to cry and I don't normally understand why lol but I don't really show myself enough self love so I think I understand why this one got to me. Thanks for making this.
As a teen going into high school with ADHD I experienced the highs and lows that come with it and yeah sometimes when I make a mistake I get caught in a downward spiral of self hate but now after finding your channel it all started to make sense. Seeing others just like me I can see others have been through the same things i have. your channel is like a light in the dark for those with adhd. Thank you for giving me the explanations i needed and giving me a way to learn ways to cope. Thanks again!
Thanks, I really needed this after some work anxiety over some screwups that just stuck with me for a bit too long this past week. I'm gonna try following your advice this week, and hopefully be less negative and anxiety prone..
Oh, how funny the universe is. I JUST replied to a comment in the wall of awful part 2 video pretty much summarizing what you so amazingly talked about this video. I gotta be a bit selfish and give myself a pat on the back, as I see this as evidence that I actually have learned something from diving into the self-help world.
Thank you for spotlighting Dr. Neff's insights on self-compassion. I was actually introduced to her work through Brené Brown's 'Daring Greatly' book, which is about her research on how shame wrecks havoc in our lives and society, and which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone who is reading this as it changed the way I viewed myself and my shortcomings. Both of their work has been crucial to my mental health improving in the last few years.
thank you thank you thank you. My inner critic needed to be checked tonight, and I had no idea this was an ADHD side effect. This channel makes me feel so seen.
Back then, I used to beat myself up so often for what went wrong. I am a perfectionist and no wonder why I do it. I still do it to this day but I do it way less than before. When I look back at it, I laugh at myself and tell that nothing is ever perfect.
I beat myself up a lot.
Oh gosh this is making me cry!!! I'm 40, I was diagnosed when I was a child, but I was never medicated.
But now watching your videos I think I need to do something about it.
Thank you for your channel 🙏🏻
This is so timely. Last semester at university, I had to drop out of a class because I wasn't 'getting' it and didn't have time to catch up, because of life stuff. I'm repeating the class this semester and still struggling with the material. It took me 2 hours to get through a 1 hour lecture yesterday, which was really getting me down - until I reminded myself that specific lecture was what made me quit last time, and I got THROUGH it! :)
I stumbled upon your Ted talk because I was desperately looking for answers to issues I couldn’t explain to others, after watching that video and finding your channel I feel like everything makes sense now! I’m 30 and haven’t gotten diagnosed yet but every video I’ve watched on your channel has been like looking in a mirror thank you for what you do, I’m going to schedule an evaluation now and I finally feel like I have the right point of reference for everything that’s happened in my life and many things I didn’t understand just make sense now 🙏🏾
This is so timely for me. I have made some mistakes last week based off impulse. This has made me question myself over and over again to the point I don't want to be in my head anymore. THANK YOU for this video and for helping me out!
I saw this video when you first released it, but I just watched it again because quarantine has been rough on my ADHD brain. Thank you for the reminder. ❤️
I was diagnosed as a child (4th grade) with ADHD. I was bounced around between Ritilin and Adderall. Finally, I voluntarily stopped taking the medications after I graduated High School in 2007 as I prefer the challenge of learning to control myself without medication. However, lately I have been considering returning to medication. I have been lacking in focus, my emotions have been wildly out of control and my job performance is starting to slip. In fact, as if to illustrate my point, I am writing this at the tail end of my work day...whoops.
But, I stumbled onto this video today and it couldn't have been more coincidental (or proof that the internet knows everything that we do and think) because I have been berating myself and slowly slipping into madness today as I have been failing at finding motivation, and when I finally did, failed at everything that I tried.
These videos have been a joy to watch if for no other reason than to point out "yeah, I've been there, I know what THAT is like."
Also, am I the only one that notices that you have some form of v-neck in every video?? Dig the consistency!
Jessica, you are such a blessing. In the last month since discovering you, you have helped to change my life for the better. People ate noticing the changes in me.
Love from Australia. Xx
Thank you so much for this video. I really needed it, you’re a lifesaver.