A Question to Ask Ourselves When We Are Low and Paranoid
Вставка
- Опубліковано 25 чер 2024
- There’s a difficult mood we’re in danger of falling into that’s made up of four elements in particular: low spirits, guilt, paranoia and irritability. It’s in such a mood that we might step back and ask ourselves a distinctive question:
"Might I - at heart - be very angry with someone right now?"
Enjoying our UA-cam videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/oSEku
Learn, heal and grow. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/LqJst
FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects in our articles, here: t.ly/E2glN
“There’s a difficult mood we’re in danger of falling into that’s made up of four elements in particular: low spirits, guilt, paranoia and irritability. In such a mood, we may feel guilty and ashamed without being able to put a finger on anything concrete we’ve done. At the same time, we’re in a paranoid state of mind, as if people out there didn’t like us especially, or we were in imminent danger of being found out for doing something forbidden. And then we might feel non-specifically irritable - and get uncommonly grumpy when we can’t find a household item or the printer jams…”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on SELF in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLself
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
Twitter: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
LinkedIn: / the-school-of-life-for...
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Natalia Biegaj
www.nb-animation.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Graeme Probert
www.gpmotion.co.uk
I like how you mentioned that one can be justifiably angry with one's therapist. Therapists are at times portrayed as the ultimate paragons of truth and inner harmony, but we forget they too are human and just as susceptible to the occasional social misdemeanor.
I've found that they can have one-size-fits-all, absolutist opinions and subsequent courses of action that don't apply in every context and rather than willingly continue to listen, they are compelled to proselytize, making it very difficult on the individual seeking help.
@OzyMandias13 I hear you. That's been my experience as well, unfortunately. Finding a therapist who will listen closely and tailor their advice to your personal desires (and ideally, your unique temperament) rather than reciting the same tired platitudes is a herculean task.
my mom and little brother went through so many therapists that wouldn't remember their name or face, treat them like a number, dead name my brother every single week even with notes in his chart. And my lil bro has extreme CPTSD, disassociate disorder, D.I.D, anxiety, "unaliveable" depression, etc He is In BAD condition on a suitcase of medication and they just give him the coach talk about making gratitude journals etc That make him feel more guilty and ashamed that being grateful doesn't fix him wanting to be unalive. I'm to afraid to bother with therapy because their experiences have been SO BAD. I have a very very very low view of therapists being "snake oil salesmen" because of how they treated my family and look for hope in videos like these instead that help me break down whats wrong with me~ personally I have sexual trauma, paranoia, anxiety and rage. I tend to hold it inside and pop off on my family or myself later and look for more productive solutions to that.
@@dandylion7149 I learned how to sense which topics the therapist are able to help me with and which don't, so I only mention the ones I find he/she are most likely to say anything helpful. With time it is easy to predict their moves and I think I end up doing part of their job for them, because I don't touch on matters I suppose they will have trouble with and will do a bad job.
@@olgamarinho I must admit, that sounds burdensome to me. Are you content with this system of filling in the gaps yourself?
Every single passing day I realize that many around us are literally mentally ill and we are basically playing the floor is lava every day!
Every day we cause small wounds to each other. If you interact with others, you always cause some form of slight. These can build up over time. Many people can ignore the small issues but even the greatest person can be brought down by a thousand paper cuts. Its important we think before we say, and we try to cause the least harm. That doesn't mean we should not back down or be afraid to speak; but we must just think before we speak and act.
@@MasterGhostf Agree with you brother!
@@MasterGhostf CPTSD is being investigated as being caused by this very notion, small but steady damage over a very long period of time
And every day, we need to stay learning, growing, and healing.
By owning our bad feelings and emotions, it allows for us to make the change that needs to happen so we no longer feel them at all.
Projecting them onto others is cowardly copout stuff, for the lowbrow set.
@@MasterGhostf true words, that's why we need to grow and understand ourselves and understand emotional intelligence.
If not only for ourselves but also the people we love, would be a heartbreaking to realize that I have been hurting people I love and good people just because I was ignorant.
It's incredible that I got the notification of this video exactly when I was typing a text to someone who I realized made me really angry
This always happens to me. The SOL puts out a video related to what I’m going through at that very moment. Never fails.
@@MF-pk2gfCount the hits, ignore the misses.
Did you write this to them? Or did something else?
I was taught that if I'm angry over something its always my fault. As if anyone is always allowed to do anything to me and I should just stfu about it. But if I do something wrong to anyone else everybody suddenly goes completely mental. Pretty weird to me tbh😅
Control your feelings.
@@BonShula thats exactly what Im doing, but obviously that doesnt count for other people🤣
@@ProdProddy What do you define as "But if I do something wrong"?
Real
❤
This couldn't have come at a better time really. My dad died a couple of months ago, and I spent so many years of my life fantasising about telling him how angry I am with him, and list out all the harm he caused me and the rest of my family. Now in my 40's I thought I was 'mature' enough to bury all that anger and try to forget it, but now that he's dead that fantasy of raging at him has died too, and I am going to have to find a way of processing it. I'm going to his flat to clear stuff out this weekend as it happens, and 'low and paranoid' is exactly how I have felt this week running up to it. Lots of very complex feelings.
I am sorry that you went through that, but don’t regret not lashing out on him so much. I am 27 and I fed up with my mom constant emotional abuse and my brothers physical abuse (that she and my father never care enough to stop)I just cut contacts with all of them. It is hard, I feel guilty every day and I have to remind myself of how messed up they are and what they did to me. What saddens me the most that I can’t see my nieces anymore, but that is fine. I went from the cool aunt to the aunt that it is okay for them to yell at and hit without consequences. Not only that their parents try to say it is all my fault. Truth tellers always turn into scapegoats.
01:50 I wish I'd known this before I became a parent. I was taught as a child to respect and do as I was told, and shut it. I simply passed this on. Only now I realise my best intentions was probably the worst parenting. I am very angry with someone, permanently - myself!
Please don't be
if you find strength to forgive yourself and accept the honest mistakes of small you that grew up from kind and cheerful child into fearful and strict/etc.. adult, you'd be able to understand and forgive others too.
These days I am starting to be a little kinder to myself after thoroughly understanding and even expressing my hurt towards my parents. It was considerably toxic for both of us, but we are getting better and our relationship has improved lots. I am saying that it's never too late for a parent to admit their transgressions and apologise, your children might not accept this from your first try, but they'll eventually get around. Most importantly, it'll help them heal and become a happier adult.
“Censored outward expression” is a concise description of the entirety of my personality for as long as I can remember myself. Even with the self-awareness that I have today, sometimes I feel I am unable to break free from the invisible restraints of my upbringing.
Thank you for helping us better understand the darker corners of our unconscious mind.
As someone with C-PTSD, I can totally empathize with this sentiment, and the restriction feels so utterly suffocating. I find myself falling into pits of malaise for days/weeks after I suppress my feelings following an interaction/event that made me angry. While I don't have any advice to give as I'm still in the process of rediscovering my own form of constructive outward expression, I'm wishing that in due time you'll be able to break free from those invisible restrains imposed by your trauma. You deserve to feel safe expressing your anger, your sadness and heal from your turbulent upbringing.
Same. 😢😢 Was always the quiet one, the fly on the wall. I crave connection so much but I have very little practice and it's still so confusing and strange..to converse like a regular person.
Finally! Someone understands what i'm going through 🙌
That helps, but anger can help let us know what changes must occur. Not everything about it is bad.
@@coreycox2345 u r absolutely right.
One of the most challenging emotions for me.
“Patrick Teahan” here on yt has a good channel with anger solutions, among other tools.
Emotions do not exist though its a moment which is becoming hence impermanent hence not to confuse with their being and thereby in suffering.
While in the throes of mending my own relationship with anger, how that's fueled my chronic depression, self-hatred and exhaustion from people pleasing, this video couldn't have come at a better time. I need to respect what my anger is telling me, love myself and express my anger constructively. Thank you for yet another brilliant video!!
Usually the someone I'm angry with is myself
This is one of so many reasons why it's important to observe and investigate emotions sometimes, rather than react to them. If that's something you're trying to work on I've found mindfulness and CBT are really good tools to use.
Absolutely !
And do you know what is behind anger? Fear. Fear to say the truth because then the boss will fire us, spouse leave us, dog bite us, and machine fall on us. It's much easier to say or be angry than admit we are afraid of the consequences to express our frustration or to find ourselves a solo flight in the world. Life is really a balancing act in the end.
So very true!
Interesting, I always think of anger as the primary emotion. There is also primary fear, like a fear of physical dangers. But psychological fear (and sadness even more so) comes from suppressed anger. I'm angry at this person or thing, but I don't actually feel safe enough to get angry, so I get sad, afraid or numb instead. Anger is simply an "I need this to change" emotion.
@@1010papillon I also agree that anger and fear can be interchangeably expressed in the place of another. If I cannot let out my fear, I get angry. Conversely, if I feel insecure and swallow my anger, I feel paranoid of people and self-critical instead.
Edit:grammar
@@1010papillon I'm no professional, but just another survivor. But from what I know, when our anger is suppressed (our "fight" response), ,it turns into depression/numbness because we fall into the freeze/collapse response instead. When our nervous system recognizes that we cannot fight off/remedy the threat (or better yet, move the "energy" out of our bodies) it goes into a state of hypo-arousal instead.
Gaining a somatic understanding of our emotions really opens up a new world of understanding!
Thanks for the clarity
Not many want to deal with someone else's anger. That includes irritations, these are also forms of anger. It accumulates unhappiness and stress over time. If you're angry, try to transform it into something positive. Some go through life being angry most of the time, about this person, that group, society, etc. They fight fire with more fire. In the end it is a reflection of ourselves, if we're angry it comes back to bite us, as stress accumulates and leads to poor health. At some point we understand the only way to deal with it is by changing ourselves.
I‘ve been in terribly toxic longtime relationship and would swallow a lot of accusations to keep it going, for years. Recently said relationship ended and now I feel confronted with a wall of anger and other difficult emotions, like everything swallowed over the years comes back and wants to be dealt with, quite exhausting.
Quite exhausting, but must be done if you want to be freed from the emotional torment of it all. Been there, done that, got the souvenir. 😏
@@NBnNC Glad you got through, it sometimes feels like i can’t manage it but i will
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
That’s why Hate and Anger are waste of time !
When you know what you want in your life (peace and joy), you don’t have to waste your time of those emotions !
@@Lolcoca That's not how this works. All emotions are there for a reason, and they will be expressed one way or another -- but at least we might be able to choose _how._
Not the "unfortunate pet" getting thrown 🤣💀
Edit: oh no! I just got to the part with the unfortunate pet! I thought you meant the 7 year old, slamming around and then throwing the teddy bear, lol
What if I'm mostly angry at myself?🤔
Its so mind blowing how I needed this video on this very day- beautiful
I love the sharing culture we live in❤
Suppressed anger is my nemesis and misdirected anger as a consequence although I didn’t realise that until listening to this. Thank you 🙏🏾
I think there is a mildly strong correlation between my swallowed anger (grown up and living in a family that doesn’t allow anger, because triggers their traumas) and my autoimmune disease. Or this video makes me cry only because the animations are done very well and I am too sensitive, as I am so often told.
"How can I never go through the thing that made me angry again," maybe productive for letting go of anger and forgiving the present as well as the past. Or it might be the best alternative to part.
thats why 12 step programmes focus on resentments and to see your part in them, resolves splitting and projecting and improves the capacity for mentalisation.
Oh that sounds interesting. Is it like 12 steps to forgive and let go of hurt?
@@badgoodbadgoodbadgood sort of, i think forgiveness and letting go of hurts are a by product of a process
Im actually angry with a family member right now and rather than swollowing my anger i spoke up about it with them, of course they dont acknowledge any wrongdoing but im just proud i spoke up for myself, learning to accept no one owes me anything and i cant control others behaviour, but i owe myself respect and i control whats within me
This makes a lot of sense. Literally felt like this the other day and couldn't figure out why
Thank you!
these inquisitive inspiring videos are -much needed and definitely helpful.
Thankyou for everything School of Life, you have taught so much, forever grateful ❤❤️
"Am I paranoid or are they really following me?" I asked myself, feeding into the paranoia... Good advice. Build a lean-to out of garbage and only breathe in minutes that end in an even number? That will keep you safe and secure.
That… was really helpful and with impeccable timing. Thank you.
Thank you
Its crazy how no matter how hard you repress it, it will show even years after things have occurred. Being gaslit by my mother then mentally abused by her partner really left me just completely numb for over 5 years until I started to get to know someone who had a similar history with their parents and we got along extremely well. That is until they started to shut down and I got extremely paranoid which in turn caused them to leave me for a time.
Eventually I learned just how trauma manifests these behaviors and as patient as I tried to be with her and myself going through the healing process I nearly got angry with her despite a decent reason for doing so (being ignored for days) but I still didnt want to let it consume me so I started to focus on myself and start doing physical activities to vent it out in other ways. Took over 2 months but Ive overcome that finally being able to feel my emotions but not letting them consume me. Plus once that friend finally did come back we helped each other navigate those behaviors and were now a couple. Its great at least knowing I wont fall into repeating the same mistakes my parents made and can actually live in happiness with someone else instead of repressing myself or worse making someone else miserable.
*Your explanations are clear and straight forward It's always a honor to have you here as a mentor, I appreciate you for the time being spent to educate us financially. Regardless of how bad it gets the economy, I still makeover $28K every single week. I truly value Laura, and her helpful guides.*
Yes, owning and expressing our emotions is extremely important to our emotional health. The book "For Your Own Good" by Alice Miller explores the cultural underpinnings and ramifications of child care practices which suppress the emotional facet of our being. The book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner was personally transformative; once i translated it to {what is the emotion that is taboo for men on a cultural basis); i discovered that i was suppressing sadness and grief.
I needed this, thank you
Great video. Please keep
I’m definitely being stalked, how did they know! 😮
Exceptional work. Thank you, School of Life.
Love ur channel
Thank you for this video. This has been definitely me for a really long time. 😅
A great video again.
I don't agree entirely. We may be angry with someone, yes, but WHY? Because if this anger at someone else stems out of something petty, or entirely and arrogantly self-centered, then the problem is not the other person but rather ourselves. The world doesn't exist solely in our function (just as we don't exist solely in function of everything/everyone else). Not every motive is valid, and I find it really hard to agree otherwise.
That's the only caveat I have here. I do agree that anger has to be "used" somehow instead of being kept inside and restrained. That energy could be employed in some way that isn't destructive or damaging.
This. Thank you.
Those "respond don't react" videos irk me - what does that even mean?
A response _is_ a reaction, they're synonymous.
Furthermore, keeping quiet in the face of repeated misdeeds and having them accumulate is what precipitates the outburst.
Oh.
I used to guess whether my irrational and deep self-hatred was caused by my inability to hate my parent. I couldn't find it in me to be seriously angry at them after growing up since I loved them too much and empathised a lot. My parent is a wonderful person that committed some honest parenting mistakes during my childhood, trying to cope with the death of both my grandparents, the divorce with my other parent and financial issues. They have apologised numerously since then and we have reconciled..or so I thought.
What I learned is that forgiveness has nothing to do with actions of your perpetrator, and everything with your ability to let go.
It doesn't happen easily, my understanding is that you may need to admit you've been done wrong, you're beyond resentful without making any excuses for others. Yes, they were hurt too, yes, they were struggling, but you have still been hurt and this anger has to find an outlet like this video said.
After, you explore that pain in safe ways (my personal favourite is writing foul letters that get trashed afterwards into smallest bits and singing sad songs off key). Only when your hurt gets exhausted, you could start empathising and understanding them.
Maybe? It might be working, but I really need to finish the first step before finishing the last ones.
Many thanks for your video, you are literally saving people's lives
And then forgive
Interesting. Very interesting.
Soooooo true
Nicely done. 😊
Extraordinary 😍🤩
Yup. My parents screwed me up this way. Thanks for that.
If it makes you feel any better,same here....
i love this guy's voice and delivery
True
Great video as always, but seeing those pieces of paper missing the bin/trash was so frustrating !🤣
Thank you for being here
At a right time
Hhmmm unknown anger. I feel it's true for most. One way to avoid it is to be more self aware and quick in our reactions. Perhaps slow breathing yoga could help most
Vey helpful : ( Thank you :'(
Great video. But what do you do, if you are angry with someone? Just tell them, even ig you know that your anger is unreasonable?
as an autistic, I do not struggle to know with whom and when I am angry.
Damn I wish I saw this video yesterday. But I probably wouldn’t of clicked on it anyways because I was so irratable and upset. I was even paranoid. Turns out my paranoid suspicions were wrong.
I'm pretty good at expressing my anger. Sometimes too good
As toxic as our family was growing up, withholding emotions and saving face wasn’t our brand of dysfunction.
I need to make time for this channel
We're constantly gaslighted and treated like crap. We only hate ourselves because we're hated by others. There's a war going on, Narcissists vs Empaths.
💯!
I feel you.
No, you just have to talk to people. There is no war going on it is just you projecting your insecurities
@BonShula I disagree, mostly. Narcissistic personality disorder is rampid today.
But, to your point, talking and getting to know people outside of your inner circle is a good cure for loneliness and a less sense of defeat.
@@BonShula I disagree. You may be delusional and warped by the toxic positivity culture. I'm not trying to offend, but I know someone that walks around in a delusional bubble and I see people scamming her and she will actually smile at the person, and then tell me how great that person was. It's bizarre.
i liek dis :)
Great video as usual, but he ads made me very angry.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Everyone should definitely watch " 3 signs of true love by sandeep maheshwari " its in hindi and also in english
3:10 MR STINKY! NO!
My ex used to tell me that she didn't like that we never argued, that I was always positive and ready to face my mistakes head on instead of believing I was right when I was clearly wrong. So I started to look for things that actually annoyed me, but that were never enough to actually bother me. She did not like that. She wanted some banter, some fake anger, but she also wanted for it to be about real stuff. I had no idea what she meant, but something was clear, she didn't want to actually address my problems, so I bottled them up for way too much time.
I never got angry at her, I rarely do even with people I despise, when I got too desperate to ignore all the issues that she never wanted to address (and I tried hundreds of times), that was the moment I left her.
What if exactly what you described but instead of someone else you're angry at yourself, What can some one do to mitigate that.
It’s true, I realized I’m angry at my parent for enabling my brother’s man child behavior, after several days of crying over how awful I am (it’s actually my brother)
Anger is frequently the target of injustice. People justify ignoring others over their affect if they're angry, regardless of how fair and objective the message. This causes resentment, isolation and mental illness. It's ultimately very unkind. We should learn to be more discerning in what we reject, because not all that should be rejected is said in an angry tone of voice... (far from it)
Hurt people hurt people
I'd be interested to hear how to deal with anger in a healthy, mature way instead
Exercise!
I channel my anger through the punching bag downstairs hanging in my garage. For example, my father recently passed away. I've had a lot of mixed emotions about it. I do a couple of rounds of punching the bag, and I think a bit clearer about the pain and discomfort.
Good question. If bottling up anger is bad how to handle it. I guess pausing to breathe and deciding whether the thing that angered us is worth confronting in a constructive way, or whether we're being unreasonable about something trivial or unavoidable. An angry mood or being irritable seems to cause a negative spiral downwards in my own experience. I think we might be able to train ourselves to respond better to situations and break this pattern.
Lol the pet...yeeeet
😢
I should have been angry at my parents a long time ago
Is there a Spotify podcast for this page?
ohh
💜🙏🏼🕉️
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to comedy.
I got psychosis this way
How do you suggest parents deal with this healthily whithout losing their authority or smth ?
if you build the kind of relationship with a child where they can openly express anger in a safe way, you will have more authority because you will have trust and respect. on the other hand, if you build the kind of relationship where the child knows it can't trust you to safely express anger, you will lose authority
@@joeyk169 alr no secret sauce then, thanks
Best way to explain how to be a good example I've ever heard.
But if I’m angry at work and I tell them I get fired
I have no idea how to navigate life and I’m struggling
Did Alain de botton lived in Venezuela??
i really wanna but i know i cant send this to my mother without being hit by the same reactions described in the video.
This is great, but. These ideas originate from several psychoanalists, these authors deserve credit. I hope you listen.
I can't ask myself same question 6 times a day
I think this is also a struggle for women and racialized folks. Instead of, or in addition to, ones parents silencing you, it is society and every level of its institutions
We weren't low and paranoid 20 years ago
00:00 🧠 Understanding a difficult mood consisting of low spirits, guilt, paranoia, and irritability.
00:16 🤔 Feeling guilty and paranoid without concrete reasons.
00:25 😠 Experiencing non-specific irritability over small issues.
00:35 🔍 Asking ourselves if we are angry with someone.
00:52 🧩 Recognizing the difficulty in consciously feeling anger at the right time.
01:23 💭 Importance of childhood permission to express anger.
02:05 👶 Many parents struggle to allow their children to express anger.
02:14 🌱 Children learn to swallow anger, shaping adult personality.
02:29 🔄 Swallowed anger turns into self-hatred.
02:46 ⚖ Swallowed anger creates non-specific guilt.
02:56 🛡 Swallowed anger manifests as paranoia.
03:09 🧹 Swallowed anger discharges onto safe targets.
03:18 🛑 Recognizing anger in oneself to avoid unself-aware reactions.
03:33 📓 Safely exploring and discharging anger in healthy ways.
Anger should not be so complicated. It's easy to discover, in oneself or others. It's immidiate and therefore it is soooo easy to see the source. Just some awareness, just some empathy, just some assertiveness - how hard can it be?
Parents royally fooled this one up
Don't bleed on people who didn't cut us
Lol 1:32
That poor doggie 😳
Right at this very minute, I'm enraged at the massively idiotic and inept girl working the front desk at the hotel we just checked into. The refrigerator/freezer in our room does not appear to be cold, but it's plugged in and 'running'. I have ice packs that need to get refrozen overnight and medicine that needs to stay cold overnight. The control knob has been REMOVED so that guests cannot adjust the temp! She already gave me an attitude when I practically begged her over the phone to please come to the room so I can show her the problem -- her reply was "well, I don'tknow anything about refrigerators." Honey, I'm not asking you to turn into a refrigerator repairman, but you SHOULD at least have a basic knowledge of these simple hotel fridge/freezers! I'm sick and tired of these little 20-something lazy asses who expect to be paid for a job they have zero interest or CARE about.
And of course it is after hours so no maintenance man on site. I used to be an innkeeper for B&Bs, I KNOW the right way to treat guests, especially when they alert me to a problem with their room. And I know that working at a hotel oftentimes means TROUBLESHOOTING, figuring out a solution. And I also think it's pretty odd to remove the control knobs for these fridges and leave the setting on a warm temp, KNOWING tge room is reserved for a check-in today!
I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards this girl, on top of being very tired after a very long day of driving. Now I can't relax and wind down, all because this jerk chose the wrong way to handle this issue, and left me with no solution or closure to a problem caused BY THEM.
What the fuck do we do when we know why and who we are angry but there's no point in expressing to the person because will not make any difference and you don't have where else to go so you still need to act civil has you don't wanna burn everything around you?
I'm in the same position
Oh geez. This great content is a lot too late unfortunately. Maybe in the next life 🤦 absolutely appreciate it now though 😊