Why extroversion is hard for INFJs
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- Опубліковано 12 вер 2024
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All right. I'm 70, so I've lived a long time as an INFJ. I've only known my type for about ten years and only paid attention to typology for the past three years, maybe. Socializing has always been a struggle for me though I have always been drawn to people and wanted to fit in and interact. I possess all the stereotypical INFJ traits, one of which is being just a little behind others in group conversations, getting stuck on an idea, developing something I'd like to add, and finding the conversation has taken off in a completely different direction, leaving me uncomfortable trying to bring everyone back to the point where my thought is relevant or was relevant. In college, I remember, I'd be sitting at a dining table with other freshmen, eating and talking. There'd be stories and jokes. When I'd venture to tell a story, there would typically be a momentary hush, and then someone would say, "That's very interesting," and then their lively interaction would continue. I found it amusing but wished I could fit in better. I became a teacher, so I have been forced to be extroverted. It's an exercise and tiring, and I'm glad when a session is over. Then, I can retreat and get my energy back. I don't like parties. I don't like just hanging out. The thing is, I was never a shrinking violet growing up until I started experiencing adult disapproval and peer bullying. As I passed into puberty, I became much more withdrawn, but I did have friends and did interact with people in school clubs and in class and in church. I've never had a great problem caring about others or receiving others. And, at times, I can initiate contact, but combined with openness, curiosity, and good will is a certain fear and distrust of people. My first impulse is trust, but there's something else that keeps me reserved. It's a little weird. Since Covid, I've been much more isolated, but I live in a family, so I have all the socializing I need, sometimes more than I need. In very recent years, I think I avoid social contact because it introduces a level of chaos that makes me very nervous. I am much more interested in peace and order now than I ever was when I was younger. It may be a part of aging, but I don't feel a great need for friendship or gathering now. Too much here, but I wanted to answer your question, and this is where my effort led. Thank you so much if you bothered to read it.
Yes! “I live in family so I have all the socializing I need” (this for me being the protective barrier or cocoon).
“Avoid social contact because it introduces a level of chaos that makes me very nervous”. Spot on. I feel the same and it’s a very vulnerable place to be.
I live alone so plenty of time to chill out alone. Got lots of media and books to use. I have a friend nearby with a gorgeous golden retriever dog who i love cuddling. Animals can be wonderful but full time are too much of a committment alone for me.
That experience as seeing people see me as strange, thus making me want to hide away is SO on point.
It definitely makes me question myself. And them. Why would I want to socialize with someone who is not as open and accepting as I am?
It is to the point where I will be accepting of people, even in those moments where I see people judging me or doing side eyes with one another.
They're in their own experience and are perceiving me a certain way and that is fine... But why would I ever spend my time with them again, if there is an undercurrent of... whatever that is?
People are going to judge you and that is fine, but so many actively respond in their body language and faces that it's like... Do you not know how to maneuver around someone correctly?
Or there are the thoughts of "they're pretending they like me" but I'm picking up on a different vibe.
So many people are pretending, in social situations.
Just the other day a woman at work had a cabin on her background and someone commented on it. She said it was her aunt's and she took the picture recently. I've had a certain vibe from her (and I am bored out of my mind at work) so I did a quick reverse google image search and found the same picture for tons of different articles, definitely not something she took, and definitely not where she said it was. People lie all of the time. I used to think we were all honest because I grew up being told my honesty was important. It's like I live my life in one way while everyone in social situations break the rules for their own benefit? Socializing makes me frustrated. Sorry I went off on a tangent.
It’s quite draining and exhaustive to engage in extroversion for extended periods… it also takes me out of my Ni box and disrupts Ti.
My mother is an extraverted type and it takes a lot of energy to constantly tune in and remain “online”. She tells infinite stories (some I’ve heard multiple times), gives advice and lecture endlessly with no relative and logical utility, and gossips a novella every 10 minutes. She takes an immense amount of energy and sometimes places me in a parent position listening and accepting her wild childlike antics.
It’s very important for us INFJs to assess where our attention and energy is going and whether there is a limit, a bottom to that suck or whether it’s an endless pit.
When I moved away, I felt exiled and alienated from family, friends, and life. It was a very hermetic 2 years of moving inward. When it was time to come out of that period of my life and move back I was happy to hear my family admit that they missed what I brought to the family and took it for granted. There was a personal significance there that wasn’t regarded previously.
Now I’ve found my place in my family. They pull me out of my cyclical introversion and feed the parts of me I naturally neglect and I’ve realized how I’ve taken them for granted. I now see what their personal significance is in my life. They weren’t always a safe place to live but they helped to strip me of my sensitive nature to stomach the world easier. They were the arena in which I learned to defend myself and callous a bit which has become useful for protecting myself from unwanted attention. There is a safety there that I can’t always find in engaging with the wider broader world. I get approached my many strangers who share their stories and having the anchor of what is my “corner of the universe” allows me to engage with others and hear their stories in passing. When I didn’t have that anchor and safety of that corner of the universe, I felt untethered and aimless which made interacting with strangers and hearing their stories disorienting and dislodging. Basically Ni would go into overdrive sometimes in an unhealthy way because I didn’t have an anchor to pull me out once in a while and INFJs can’t just manufacture that in everyday life off the street or at work, etc.
A previous comment mentioned the following:
“Avoid social contact because it introduces a level of chaos that makes me very nervous”. Spot on. I feel the same and it’s a very vulnerable place to be. Too many risky situations experienced to not have a safe cocoon to fall back on.
This video and topic you touch on is primarily why I quit working at a recent company and fall back into hiding. I wasn’t ready to be seen and stand in that alone, especially without an anchor. I resented Fe for some time and found it to get me in very scary situations but also, through those experiences I’ve built resilience.
Also to clarify: anchor refers to a person, place, or thing… some could also see it as a sort of totem orienting the Ni-self safely in time and space.
I grew up in a small town really aware of the social dynamics and ended up in a group of friends which was popular amongst the town- surviving in this town I happened to be born in not yet knowing what I was really like. I soon discovered I did not belong to this group of friends and I found other, less popular friends. This more popular group was really extraverted and during this time I learned a lot about being social (unconsciously). However, the many parties were too much for me.
I now see how I also discover that I actually do not 'really' belong to this other group of friends which I met in this town I grew up in. Also this group is relatively extraverted. It is just that I happened to grew up with this distorted perception of reality in which I thought ALL people are soo extraverted etc. However, and most importantly, I see that despite my gradual development of myself, thereby discovering that I am much more introverted than I knew of myself before, I also really value the extraverted people and that I happened to need to develop this part in me during my life until so far.
Just an interesting thought I think since most INFJs experience it in reverse!
But indeed, I have struggled with this haziness in conversation A LOT. I came to see that the relatively extraverted people that were and are my friends, and which are living a 'sinful' life as Christians would put it like- drinking a lot, partying a lot, using a lot of social media, not living in balance with nature, in other words; 'slothful' people not concerned with 'giving' any meaning to their lifes- are simply not that interested in the things I am BECAUSE of their extraversion. We are still relatively young I think (21) so it is not as big of a deal ofcourse, but for me it was (necessary to make a problem out of it). So expressing [this haziness] to those people who do not seem necessarily interested in philosophy, spirituality, 'giving' meaning to life- which often are the more extraverted people I speculate out of my observations- actually alieniates one from them. Try to see who share the same interests AND it is OKAY if people are not the same as you, even if they are behaving WRONG (sinful, slothful) in your eyes.
What extraversion makes to exist is that it is the DOING dimension of life. Introverted people are naturally more concerned with the being dimension I speculate from my observations. Doing is necessary.
Also interesting: All INFJs constantly complain that they feel misunderstood. You know why? Because they do not EXPRESS themselves. THAT is Fe, right? Also extraverted people CAN really understand you, a.k.a. your insights, but it are YOUR thoughts of feeling misunderstood that indeed make you feel misunderstood. Express your insights to yourself first can help, by writing. Then you can make it also much more clearer in conversation. Besides you can make the art you make accessible to others, music for instance.
Hi Renaud, I am very socially aware and mostly comfortable. My job often requires that I be proactive in situations and rise up to solve problems and train people. I do a good job at this but I am exhausted when I return home and don't really want to see another human for a few days. I require and take the time I need to recover on my days off. I take 2 hours off one day a week for what I call "mental health Wed", mainly to recover from all of those interactions. I stay engaged because it is good for me and others but self care has to be factored in to stay on top of life. Balance is important! Thank you for all of your great info. Take care of yourself Renaud!
I wonder if the pivot point is patience and slowness. Slow friendship. Slowly gain trust and normalcy will win the INFJ. Big feelings and drastic changes are so unsettling that it is painful. There's no room to manage them. But if someone isn't pushy, but is consistent, I feel most INFJs will welcome them in time into their world. Triangulation is always a handy tool--as in The Project. Attention is deflected to something else and any relationship can develop gradually. A cautionary note about romantic relationships, be careful not to schlepp. Schlepping is not an answer to intensity.
When it comes to how social I am, I’d put myself at a 4 on a scale of 1-10. I think that I understand socializing well, and that I’m decent at it. However, I tend toward isolation.
Seems that I go through long periods of isolation, which I may enjoy for a time, and then start to realize that I’ve made myself rather lonely. So then I have to begin the process of socializing again. It’s rather challenging to motivate myself to socialize. Often times, I’ve planned times to hangout with people simply because I know that it’d be healthy for my brain if I do so. Usually I end up being happy I did. I hope that makes sense.
I genuinely see the value in spending time with others, it just takes a lot of energy to do it. Which is why I think I isolate for so long between socializing haha. I’ve also experienced that dissonance you spoke of so much throughout my life. It’s gotten better with age though. I could say more, but this has gotten rather lengthy. :)
Me as INFJ and friends:
Once every 3 years maybe, i meet a new friend. Maybe even a new circle of a few friends.
We connect, we share interesting ideas but i slowly realise they dont have the same interests as me. I keep the friendship floating but dont put any effort in since i dont feel like doing it, then the friendship fades.
If i connect with these friendship circles later on i feel shame for my actions or the way i must be seen from their persective. So i tend to avoid the people at all cost most time that i once had a friendship / relationship with.
I do have 2-3 friends ive had for a long time, that dont care if we dont speak for a few months or whatever. But any new friendship always fade then i never want to re-connect because of guilt and shame.
I just came to have a short look at what today's video was about and now I see you literally will discuss the thing me myself had been struggling with the past couple of weeks. This happens again and again. Will watch it tonight!
I’ve never been directing this parade and hoped to only encourage it and stay back stage. For some reason I got cringe worthy self centered and 🤢. I hope I’ve started to grow past that. Thank you for all your great teaching.
I like to get invited to events in one way, but at the same time I try to find ways to get out of it. I get stressed imagining all the people, is it going to be loud and raucous or cosy and chatty. Loud and raucous and I'll be going home in an hour, nice and chatty I'll be there all night, last to leave. Drinking games and deep conversations with friends in known places, eg quiet corner of a pub or member-only snooker clubs etc. But then my Ni will kick in and I feel so drained. I crave hermit mode for a week or two to get my inner peace back in balance. So, I can "appear" quite extraverted, (ambivert version of INFJ?) but inside I really want to be alone, even when I'm there. My "daydream" function gets me through when I'm not engaged in conversation.
Always enjoy your videos. Thank you.
You’re getting thinner on each videos..hope you’re okay & healthy 🙏🏻
Thanks for your concern, I am good! Been doing more sport lately and that made me shed more than I thought… just need to work on a diet to get some weight back on!!
@@RensRoomwell that's excellent. A good problem to have, enjoy the activity :)
Hi Ren
Hi Heather!