The Silent Treatment Will Damage Your Relationship. Do THIS Instead,
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- Опубліковано 8 лип 2024
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If you're hurt or angry, or you want to set a boundary, one of the most destructive ways you can communicate this is with the Silent Treatment. In this video I respond to a letter from a man who "shut down" and ignored his partner when he felt upset. Find out how I suggest people with CPTSD keep communication open with people they love.
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Yes....this is pure relationship GOLD!!!!!! ♥️
Thanks so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Cara, I binge Anna's glorious videos at work (I can work & listen lol). They're life-changing! Thanks to you all at Team Fairy! 🥰💞
When you freeze someone out, you are teaching them how to live without you.
Let someone feel your absence by removing your presence !!
@@iamthestorm1004 Agreed. Giving them the gift of missing you. The gift that will continually give.
@@FreeSpirit47 Precisely !!
The gift that keeps on giving and giving !!
@@iamthestorm1004 It's something that I only do as a last resort to protect myself from feeling taken advantage of or showing someone that treating me as a convenience item is unacceptable.
After trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my 4 adult children, I had to make the painful decision to let go of 3 of them, stop doing all the work without getting any appreciation or even positive feedback.
The one adult child I have a good, healthy relationship with, is the one I will cherish, love, appreciate.
This can be the same for anyone who is happy to get whatever you have to give, often without a text, email or thank you, note. Even if it's a phone call of any length, just to say, "Hello."
A rule that I live by: *Only make others a priority when they treat you as a priority*
@@FreeSpirit47 I'm so sorry you had to do the " tuff love"
I know it's painful ! I had to walk away from my son back in 2004 for about 6 months . He was 19 made some bad choices but after another 6 months of him getting a taste of young adulthood and the world owing his nothing, he got up..got moving..
Got a job...
worked his but off
Got married to a wonderful woman , and now is a few years away from being a CEO of a craft beer/ restaurant company.
Owns 2 homes, New vehicles....
Doing really well.
He understood why I had to do the tough love on him
Didn't mean that I didn't love him, actually I loved him more by allowing him to experience life..
Struggle then pick himself self up and now he realizes his dad never stopped loving him and now our relationship is stronger than ever !!
God will restore all the damage caused by the locust !!
In His time. We just have to trust Him !!
I'll pray for your reunification with your 3 children.
Through God
All things are possible !
🙏🙏🙏❤️✝️❤️🙏🙏🙏
So glad to see the silent treatment increasingly getting talked about as not just abusive, but perhaps THE most traumatic form of emotional/psychological abuse. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" has its limits.
I didn’t even realise what a whole I can be
Yes : limits .. like authenticity
People really underestimate the gravity of trauma that silence and alienation can pose.
I was married to a man who would ignore me for weeks at a time. We had 4 kids! It was the absolute worst, most denigrating form of punishment. Most of the time, I did not know what I had done wrong even when he was done ignoring me. I left after 19 years of marriage and have never met another man like him. If you cannot communicate in a relationship in some form, you cannot have "relationship".
Exactly. I took 12 years of it from a woman.
It sent me insane. It took another 4 years after to right my self and a lot of counselling.
It should be a matter for the courts.
If they wanted to end the relationship they would and could say. Honestly however hard would be a blessing in comparison.
Its purely done for control and punishment.
The punishment is usually their self loathing projecting.
I had a 4-year relationship with an avoidant like that. He also would sleep on the couch for weeks at a time at his whim, and once he left the house without telling me where and spent a whole week living somewhere else. Later I found out he had rented an Airbnb nearby with a window facing my office so he could snoop on me. What a douche. I moved out and flushed him down the toilet 2 years ago.
Your ex might have some kind of mental illness. My BIL used to to to his wife, he didn't do it from malice. He just withdrawn into himself because he felt depressed and alone. Of course his wife suffered too.
@@TheCoffeeCat hmmm sounds like my kid dad,he would continually sleep on the couch with TV on all night only came to bed sporadically or for intimacy then back to couch, sad ae
I am married to a man who ignores me for weeks on end, at the beginning i was just broken, and now 13 years into it, let’s just say he can ignore me all he wants now, doesn’t bother me a bit, i guess there are others who want to talk to the ones who they ignore, they forget that dont they.
My very controlling dad used to do this to me a lot. When I got wise to his 'mind games' I used his silent treatment as an opportunity to take a break from his toxic behaviour and lived my best lives. It was like, great ' I don't have to answer to you, and can get on with my life without your toxic input'. It was a breath of fresh air for me, and I lived my best life! He hated seeing me act like I didn't give a sh*t if he wasn't talking to me or not. Laughing on the phone with my friends and not sharing my funny stories with him. Getting ready to go out without him knowing where I was going or when I was coming back. Just getting on with my life and treating him like a flat mate. He hated it! And when he was ready to talk to me. I told him that I preferred it when we weren't talking. That was the last time he played those mind games with me because he knew he would always lose.
That was beautiful! Thank you. Make them gag on their own medicine.
These people are mentally ill. They are so sad, upset and because of that they want to punish others.
My mother gave me so many silent treatments during my childhood that it is downright unbelievable. So once, while she was at it again I did cut her out of my life. True story. I have ZERO tolerance for silent treatment whatsoever. I would rather have a person yell at me to be honest.
Yep my mum too
If you don't want me around, I won't be. If you don't want to talk to me. I won't talk to you. Act like you don't want me around, I won't stay.
Receiving the silent treatment from someone you care about, is so intense it feels like physical pain.
The silent treatment, shunning, stonewalling, ghosting, blocking are all emotionally abusive and a means of control. The person on the receiving end learns to shape shift into whatever the abuser wants if they don’t run for the hills instead (as they should). Which by the way, if you are trying to heal from CPTSD and someone pulls one of these tactics on you, please get away from them and quick! Anyone who puts up with this loses their self respect and starts losing themselves and good luck climbing out of that. Please value yourself enough to deal only with people who are respectful enough not to use these behaviors.
Thanks for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Very good comment.
Not only do I go silent but I refuse to accept apologies that don’t seem sincere enough to me or I demand repeated apologies. The other person, even though they are in the wrong, has no way to make things right with me. That’s why I am single and alone. I have so much to work on, it seems hopeless to me. This channel is a huge help to me. It helps me to know I am not alone.
It could be that most people don't care enough to try and make it up to you too. Your first sentence sounds like me with my ex who would say sorry just because his mother taught to put a bandaid on a wound. I would never accept it because I knew it was insincere. I'm sure you want to move on but have a hard time because others don't people please well enough. No one truly wants to drown in their suffering unless you are so far out mentally where you cant help it. You are here though, consious. Not far out.
Glad you are here seeking healing help.
-Cara@TeamFairy
The silent treatment has never caused me any grief. If they want to clam up and not speak I’ll just go talk to someone else. When or if they get over it I’ll still be around , the same person that I was when they started their childish silent treatment.
@@Z0MBiiK1TTY
Genuine question.
How did you know every attempt was insincere?
@@ljt3084 The first time he said sorry he claimed "I said sorry is that not enough" as a way to make me shut up. I wasn't done telling him how it made me feel. He'd act very impatient and wouldn't want to participate in arguments if it wasnt something he cared about. He'd gaslight me and tell me I'm just sensitive while the things he'd do no normal person would degrade and treat you that way for having feelings.
Meanwhile when he had a problem he'd blow it out of proportion claiming I had to do things to help his insecurities that no other female would do. He did every step in the book that human sex traffickers do ....to me.. This was not a normal relationship at all and I never thought i'd experience something like that.
My entire childhood was the silent treatment from my father. He does it to my mother too. She recently confided that she's felt alone her entire relationship and I have felt the same. It's isolating and painful.
My mom used to do the same thing with me whenever I disagree with her,und threatened to leave us with our neglected dad.so leaving in constant fear that mom would leave us any second, or that she refuses to talk to us for days or weeks was horrible.i still suffer and getting flashback .so you are not alone
My father did the same to us. Horrible feeling!
People who do silent treatment to force an apology out of me would have no place in my life. Nasty, manipulative creatures.
My father was a master of the silent treatment and I became his protege. Sometime during my teen years it seemed like it became a competition to see who could go the longest without speaking a word. I have done that to every one of my partners. It was my way of testing them. I thought if they cared about me and realized I was hurt they would prove it by breaking the silence and apologizing. It never worked but that was my pattern. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I found out it was a form of abuse. I have really become conscious of breaking that pattern. What a waste of time and energy, especially since it never had the desired affect anyway!
Appreciate hearing your experience!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I used to be like this with solent treatment. Over the years, I've recognised the feelings I experienced and still experience are from trauma. I now say to my husband I need an hour to calm down and pull my thoughts and feelings together so we can then talk without me falling apart. I sometimes write a letter of sorts about how I'm feeling, let him read it, then talk about the issue.
Sounds great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was a coping strategy my family has used for generations. We are trying to break this toxic cycle.
Sending you all encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
Every young child maybe as early as four or five I was giving the silent treatment by the queen of silent treatment. I remember as early as the first grade she wouldn’t talk to me for five days. It was scary so lonely and guilt extreme guilt for what I don’t know. 😢
Everyone in my life gives me the silent treatment. Worst follow up to that one is ghosting. I'm very used to it, so much so it's utterly debilitating when it happens. I almost don't want relationships anymore because of the trauma. I know why it happens. People don't like it when I'm emotional and get so overwhelmed and dysregulated I melt down. Reaching out for help to calm down means I get help, often in the form of a guilt trip, then ignored for a month so they avoid having to deal. Then no follow-up, no asking how I've been, just a dive into their life problems. I get it's my fault - because no one wants to talk to a basket case who's triggered by random things and needs help to process it - but it makes for a very lonely existence and a heavy dose of cynicism directed at the concept of having friends and support systems that are real. I end up pulling away myself, then feel like shit for being the one who's "ignoring" others. Sigh. A catch 22.
It seems impossible at first, this technique is really helpful :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna knows best, but personally I'd tell you that you will absolutely find a treasure trove of abundance and personal power in your solitude, in enjoying your own company so much, the peace and tranquility and comfort of it, you don't really need anyone else.
It's not about becoming counter dependent (that's an overcorrection), but about finding your own anchor of emotional center and balance that will always remind you that, no matter how people treat you, they are of little importance to your well being, because you have found absolute gold in being by yourself already.
What are you talking about? What is happening to your self esteem? What you have described is people being really mean towards you. And you literally say that this is your fault. Are you kidding me?!
@@TheCoffeeCat hmm. I've been alone 9 years now. I did find strength. But living life this way is now eating me alive. I'm sorry, I was on the bandwagon of self empowerment and "I can do it all myself" mentality for many years. I've realized recently I just can't. Isolating is more painful than anything I've experienced. And I've been through a lot. People need people, humans aren't meant to exist alone. It's not about dependence, it's about having normal necessary connection with the right people. Telling someone "you can be your own support" is incredibly empowering to some who need to build up that backbone and take responsibility and make change in their own life. But to some people the message is incredibly debilitating, to be told you're not supposed to reach out, lean on people, expect to be supported. Teal Swan talks about this in her videos on spirituality 1.0, 2.0, 3.0. We mature and graduate in degrees on the subject of healing. I am not deluding myself anymore to think I can do it all alone.
@@lizvtaz6 I always take responsibility for what is my fault. I won't sugarcoat my own culpability. I also am aware it's unfair treatment... however I struggle with knowing if someone is being sht or it's me overreacting. I go back and forth and am never sure. Trauma responses aren't always correct behavior.
Can’t even count how many times I’ve been DESTROYED by a man’s stonewalling. Hard for me to believe that it’s just about their early rejection and not somewhat intentional (ie. getting high off of seeing someone (a female?) be hurt) but I’ll take your word for it!! I hope this man gets the healing he needs and maybe even apologizes to this woman-?
Hmmm, it's hard to discern when it turns from bad pattern from childhood programming into a punishment and manipulation strategy that feeds their huge ego. Maybe it's both at the same time, in most cases.
Lori, a man signing in here, I think it's very good that you challenge the conventional wisdom that excuses these abusers. The "oh, their childhood pain" excuse is so old and stupid it's not even funny. It's ironic how some people who are such wannabe Machiavellian badasses get so angry and don't answer phone calls when you point out an evident fact to call them out on a lie on a small detail about something trivial in the world. (As we all know, me and other men have female lovers of men who do the same thing.)
I recently got sick of a male friend of mine doing this crap. (I'm a straight guy but it really breaks my heart that who I thought was a close friend I found out it was a liar all along about their own lives and everyone else too)
I caught them making up a lie about a sporting and movie event in the same week from two different years. This seems to happen every 2 or 3 times a year. And ONCE AGAIN, I confirmed it on wikipedia. He said "the internet's not always right!"
That's WHEN I knew (who I thought was one of my closest friends in the last 10 years of my life of half a century almost) was a full-blown narcissist. I caller blocked and went no contact
Thank you for this. I'm an intense stonewaller and silent treatment giver. I've been this way since I was a kid. I wanted people to feel the same hurt i felt. I've seen this tactic make a grown man cry. And i was happy with the fact that they were hurt. But, I'm working very diligently to change. I don't want to be this way anymore. I didn't realize that me acting in this way could be considered abuse. Abuse was certainly not my intention, but I see how it is just that. I no longer want to be this way. The silent treatment doesnt heal the void thats there. I want to communicate, regulate my feelings, and be better for myself and the people I love. This is a great video. Thank you for posting. Please pray for me on my journey of healing and healthy communication. 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing. Glad you're here and healing! If you'd like to try Anna's Daily Practice course, it can support your healing process. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
My mum would give me the silent treatment for days and this would hurt me far more than her raging at me. I would beg her to be normal with me again and say sorry over and over and she would reply ‘you really hurt me’ . I left home young and now I know why. No matter how angry I am with someone close I’ll never give them the silent treatment… I know how it feels!
In fact, I’ve never had to deal with this again in any of my relationships.
I know there are times when the silent treatment as it relates to essentially being a punishment, is not good for anyone. I will always maintain that there are times when it is the only option to maintain one's sanity. When the circular arguments begin, the constant changing of goalposts etc... I will NOT engage with that. And when reasoning with the person in question does not work, I am going to go to silence, not as a punishment but as a means of reclaiming my own dignity and self respect. I will not give such a person my energy.
Then you simply set a time to revisit it in the future.
@@AmandaMG6 No. I don't think you understand. You cannot revisit the abusive tactics such as this. I refuse to engage with someone who is leading me through some kind of argumentative obstacle course where every thing is an unsolvable riddle. These kinds of arguments are a set up from start to finish. It is okay to refuse to have this kind of exchange. People need to know that.
@@trusound170
Then walk for good and explain with honesty why you are walking away for all time before you leave.
Silent treatment is only a continuation of the disruption at best.
At worst its a display of controlling behaviour, used as a punishment.
It is no different than beating someone physically, i would argue its worse because it leaves no signs that others might intervene as in a domestic physical violence senario where neighbours/family/co workers might see bruises.
There is a reason why prolonged periods of solitary confinement in prisons are illegal under international law.
Because it causes serious irreparable mental health issues.
It is regularly used as a torture method to mentally disorientate the captive.
The military train it during interrogation training exercises for that very reason.
If you are genuinely unable to deal with someone who just appears to want to argue needlessly.
Then leave, with honest communication first and stay gone.
Your life is too short to deal with that.
So too is theirs.
They clearly have no respect for you. Be honest with them first though and leave.
If you are trying to 'teach' them a lesson, then you are either a control freak a sadist who enjoys the merry go round or in an unequal relationship that will never work out.
Don't lower yourself to that.
Relationships should be based on equality. Teaching is for parents and children, not adult couples.
@@ljt3084 I don't try to teach lessons. That is definitely not my place. I will add, I usually say, "I have nothing further to say. Argue as you will." And proceed to silence. He can argue all he wants. I will not entertain his narcissistic maneuvers. Leaving is always nice, supposing one has the means to just up and leave. I would love to live in a black and white world where everything was as cut and dry as we need it to be. But unfortunately, sometimes we get stuck in situations where we are forced to tolerate certain crap until we are able to get out. None the less, I stand by my statements.
@@ljt3084 an abuser or person who disregards your value
Does NOT deserve an explanation , closure etc nor any further contact from the person they abused or failed to see their value !!
PERIOD !!
NO EXCEPTIONS !!!
Walk away...
Block them and never look back !!
We can forgive them and love them from afar and in our hearts but we don't have to put up with their abuse !
And NO...
This doesn't make us abusive or a cruel individuals....
It makes us a survivor !!!
I was given the silent treatment as a punishment when I was a kid. Now any form of silence or being ignored from anyone when I try to engage them is totally unbearable.
Just move on.
They are emotional retards who need to control you with pain.
Do the decent thing and state clearly you are moving on.
They can be as silent as they want for as long as they like then.
Its purely done for control.
Be warned. It never gets any better.
You are not alone.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Me too!!
Shoot, my parents are the king and queen of silent treatment, esp. my dad. It was their anger style. I used to worship my dad up until the age of 15 when he got a wrong notion about me, accused me of stuff I did not do, called me every name in the book, and stopped talking to me until he died three years later. Two of those years I had to live in the same house with him. Complete silence every day, it felt like my first divorce.
Mom did the same s*** for weeks at a time so there were times when both parents weren't speaking to me. All I had for company was a cat and a radio, since I wasn't in school anymore. Then I left home. The whole family is like that, siblings too. It was just the style we were taught. I honestly don't know why people like this have kids.
Glad you're here!
Cara@TeamFairy
Silent treatment is definitely emotional and psychological abuse. My mom was queen. She would get angry at us kids (6 of us) or dad and not talk or acknowledge an individual or all of us. Mom didn’t speak to one of my sisters for an entire year when this sis was in high school. This screwed her up and the rest of us. No one speaks about it. An older sister learned from mom and started shunning me at the age of 17. She shunned my husband, my child and my family didn’t care. This was normal behavior. I finally stayed away from all of them.
Mom is thought of as a saint. I have no contact with the family. And dad was a narcissist so there’s that too. He’s also thought of as a saint. Good god!
Silent treatment does not provide any way to resolve anger, hurt, conflict or even to understand one’s emotions. It’s just awful.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Today my husband was raging because I had surgery a few days ago and he had to watch the baby so he called me every name in the book and flipped me off. I'm too weak physically and mentally to fight so I just stayed quiet and every time he talks to me, I act like he's invisible. The silent treatment helps me heal because you can't fight with someone who is not fighting. Completely deescalates the situation.
My mother,s tactic was the silent treatment. I learned from her.
Take this advice in the context of your situation.
If you're working on breaking ties from a narcissistic relationship, going silent and grey rock is most definitely the thing to do.
Me going silent allowed me to put up a wall from further mental abuse and reset.
When I was a kid, going silent was the only thing that seemed to really work. I refuse to do it as an adult.
The silent treatment can be as harmful as confrontation, unless that person becomes a raging maniac. Sometimes silence is better for some.
What if the person going silent is terrified? What if they are dealing with a gas lighter. I know I was forced into silence until I could escape my relationship.
Your scenario was not what Anna was referring to in the video. I'm glad you got away from an abuser.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, big weekend for you. LA area is where I grew up.
Praying for you. God is with you even when it doesn't feel like it
Can't wait to hear how it went.
Been on your channel for 2 years now and have learned practical tools and many insights. I'm not alone in my struggles anymore!
Thanks!
My dad would give me the silent treatment starting when I was a child, around age 8. At first they would last a couple of days but as I got older they lengthened in duration to weeks where he would not speak to me, would barely look at me & if he did it was an angry glare. It was brutal, especially since I was an only child & my also narc mother worked afternoon shift (3:30pm to midnight). So I was alone with him when he did this to me.
Even as an adult, as a new mother in my 30s, we had a disagreement over a car seat installation in their car & both my parents gave me the silent treatment for 4 months. My son was a toddler then & I relied on them to care for him while I was at work - he was 1:23 on the wait list for the daycare.
Silent treatments are most definitely abuse.
This hurts me so much. It’s very painful to me to be on the receiving end of this. I was an ignored child so I developed some sort of attachment or abandonment wound. This really kicks up anxiety in me. This would never work for me in a relationship. It’s so painful. I would rather argue it out at least I know where someone is coming from. I just broke up with my female close cousin - she would do this to me sometimes for 6 months then talk to me or text about 29 times a day but If she took something the wrong way. This is not healthy for me. I have to put the brakes on crap fit relationships. Friends or Family. I desire genuine and sincere relationships.
We support you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my goodness. I had no idea how bad the silent treatment is. I learned from both parents and I'm sure I taught my children well. Oh my! I'm so glad you talked about it because I'm definitely going to work on this.
The violence of silence
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
i was limerent for a girl 3 years and this was her way of dealing with my obsession with her it definitely made it harder to understand there was no chance of a relationship over that time and gave all the room for crap fitting, fantasies, love bombing, or any other misguided gestures. im glad this channel has helped along with my spiritual practice and not letting magical thinking get the best of me.
My issue is being financially enmeshed with 2 other adults who aren't willing to be open with their or my feelings. Issues of control aren't resolved, they expect me to accept their control of our shared space without any compromise by the "man of the house". It's hard to want to be interactive when he works to exclude me. I try to be empathetic towards his issues but he's been abusive more than once & I can't just tolerate that without expressing my dislike of being treated such. I truly feel that a man of 40 with no respect for his mother or his "wife's" mother can't really respect her either. My daughter never stands up for me & refused to discuss his behavior with me. She makes a point of avoiding being home with me when he's not there. I'm trying to get coping skills & have a therapy appointment later this month, sliding scale. Being bubbly & friendly when you're being treated poorly is like being a child of an alcoholic again, I just can't do it. I try to understand how weak one's boundaries must be to not expect people you are your family to accommodate your desires that threatening is your go-to move but I won't be a punching bag for an alcoholics rage.
Are you living with a incel and his mother?
This video is definitely not encouraging people to put up with absuers. Get away from abusers!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Totatally have something similar a person taking over the shared space with controlling behavior and they threatened to steal my stuff and kick me out if I didn't do as they want as they simultaneously tell me they know how my disabilities affect me but also also say I'm lazy and due to the care they gave me over the years that I owe them for it by having my rights and my perceived privacy invaded for them to have control!
They're abusive mentally, emotionally, they exclude me so I stopped talking to them on nearly anything I don't trust them and they seem fine to know that and aren't caretaking our poor relationship and I'm done trying to. If they want to stop being abusive, controlling, neglecting, and stop bossing their flying monkies around to steal my stuff or force me to do her will when she's not around then they'll have to come to me apologize and caretake our relationship
but I'm not holding my breathe they seem to not notice I'm pulling back as much as I can including not talking to them it hurts how much they don't care or want me in their life but they sure want to control what I do in a place that isn't their own and is part mine! I want a relationship with them but I'm not going to be abused, unheard, and unvalued by them!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy if I could, I would!
I’m sorry that your mother wasn’t able to be with you when you were young and be supportive in times you were emotional and actually needed her even more than other times. It may not be important “why” that was, but I realized I was doing that to my daughter because I didn’t know how to be there for her when she was needing me, because MY mother had not been that way with me. I didn’t know what it would look like, and I was constantly running to do some chore as an avoidance tactic. Once, in a state of meltdown, I began rocking and telling myself “I got you” -- I realized I needed to be the parent to my own inner child, and tell myself what I needed to hear so desperately as a child. That made it easier for me learn how to talk to my daughter when she needed support. But another problem presented itself - I needed to recognize WHEN I was pulling away from her. This was very difficult for me because I wasn’t comfortable with my daughter’s, or my own, vulnerability. I also had my own emotional needs without emotional support - trying to reparent myself, do my healing, going thru the neglect of my spouse and then divorce, having financial responsibilities and homeowner maintenance and daily chores. My daughter’s emotional needs were always “one more demand on my plate”, and I caught myself sending unconscious messages via body language, tone of voice etc that her emotional needs were inconvenient for me. This is a horrible message for a vulnerable child to hear from their caregiver!! It ripples into many negative messages! I suppose I wanted to mention this because we may know that others did the best they knew how to do - but they also needed to have the bandwidth to do it. I had to first recognize I was doing this to her, set aside my feelings of resentment that I had to carry all this alone, and reassess my priorities. Your mother died when you were still young so she may have also been dealing with that stress. I'm not sure what my point is exactly, I'm just grateful for Anna's channel and the guidance and growing we are all doing together❤️🩹
When my emotions are confused and I’m angry or I’ve been hurt, I need a time out. I’m not trying to withhold or ignore the person or harm them, I need to reevaluate what I am feeling. Except 5 minutes doesn’t do it for me. It depends on the level of hurt or confusion I’m feeling. It can take hours, days or weeks.
I also will not apologize for something I have not done or being falsely accused of.
Ana, you handle difficult and overemotionalized topics so humanly, you put them back into the human realm. It's so fine. Many thanks!
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna you are so emotionally evolved with everything 🎉such a great example….thank you ❤
I was married to a guy from the Philippines who had emigrated to the US when he was 9 years of age. His family lived in a micro world of all Filipino families, relatives etc. He was naturalized, then, enlisted in the USAF.
The reason for the background explanation, is that he had only lived within Filipino culture, before going into the USAF.
He was the KING of giving the cold shoulder sometimes for as long as 2 weeks!
He would never tell me why or what I did, once he started acknowledging me, again.
My theory is that he became so horny he couldn't stand it, so, started talking to me, again.
From talking to other people who had dealt with this behavior as well as other Filipinos, I found that it's part of their culture. They even have a specific name for it, they call it, "tampo". I had never heard of it until a neighbor who was Filipino, came to the US at age 25.
She said that it was mostly Filipino women who did this, though some men do it, too. She told me of the times her mother did it & the times she did it, too! She laughed & said, "It's just how Filipinos are."
Such a destructive way to treat people you are supposed to love. Every time he did this, he killed my respect for him a little at a time. Over the years, regular long term freeze outs, he killed my love for him little by little until there was none left.
Well seems in their culture, they don't see it as self-destructive. It's a way of communication and the meaning is understood. People have to remember that the field of psychology primarily has a Europesn framing and that many of these constructs have only been defined very recently compared to the totality of uman history.
@@Heyu7her3 I was particularly sensitive to this behavior. After I left, then divorced, I met a woman who befriended me. She was in her 40s, had never married nor shacked up nor had children. She taught me how to be single again. I was & still am very grateful to her. We did a lot together, had a lot of fun.
After we had been buddies for a year, one day, no warning, she froze me out. She was Hispanic, first generation born in the USA. Her freeze out was a shock to me.
We lived in 2 separate townhomes next door to each other. It was so weird that she wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge me if we were going into or out of our townhomes at the same time.
I decided that I was not going to accept the treatment from her. When she came back around after 2 months all happy, friendly, wanting to go out & have fun, again.
I let her know that freezing me out like that was unacceptable, that if she wasn't mature enough to talk things out with me, if there was even something that I did that offended her, that I didn't want to spend time with her.
She apologized, took me out to my favorite restaurant for lunch.
A few months after that, she did another freeze out, then, a week later, started talking to me again. I went along with it; didn't tell her I was moving to a different home across town. It wasn't because of her; I had more going on in my life besides her & her abusive behavior.
Both silent treatment and aggressive manipulation are symptoms of the one and same thing, which is the belief that the relationship should be conducted according to the emotional state of one individual. So a silent treatment is sometimes an act of controlling the other, but it can also be an act of protecting oneself from the controlling and manipulative style of the other. Or there is a fantasy that it's possible to have a relationship where both persons expect everything to go by their emotions and that emotions can simply "match" endlessly with the right partner. Sometimes sex makes some people think this is possible.
Thanks, Anna!
Thank you for this explanation of silent treatment. I was the recipient of this for 10 years, from the father of my children. It would last for weeks on end and as a direct result of me being disregulated and yelling. I always felt the guilt and remorse and never saw silent treatment as abusive, just my 'punishment'. What made matters worse for me spiritually was that he would still have sex with me every night. I thought the sex was a signal of making up but the silent treatment continued the next day. I ended up having an affair and left. Turns out my self esteem was disintegrated and i am still single 20 years later. Thank you for helping me get perspective.
I have realized that since childhood I was on the receiving end of silent treatment as a controlling maneuver. Whenever I had a difference of anything be it: opinion, belief, value, ideas or plain disapproval in general, I would get the silent treatment. Is there a term for when a parent does this to you? This person will discuss me behind my back about everything or anything that falls into their disapproval of me, but NEVER to me in person. Subsequently, it means that I'm not accepted by this person unless I conform.
Thanks for thinking-aloud the "I felt _____ because I had fear they were saying ______.. I've been exploring the Daily Practice and this example helped me a lot. 🙂
Thank you for your advise. Incidentally, the great (late) writer Chaim Potok wrote two books in which the silent treatment played an important role. "The Chosen" and its sequel "The Promise".
I am accused of giving the silent treatment when I don’t know who I’m having a relationship with, AND I back off from people because I am confused and don’t know what or how to respond/react. There are people in my life that seem to expect a relationship with me that I have never even met face to face.
I so remember going silent.
He had been acting stand off-ish and silent and so I mentioned that I can easily notice something is bothering him and to please tell me.
He said…I don’t think it’s going to work out. And I asked do you mean with me, or this city? He said BOTH! I went and hid away in the bedroom so hurt & thinking how to get back to where I was from, originally. I felt so unwanted and such a burden and that he was unhappy. Not going to try and change his mind, no way.
It was a terrible way for him to drop it on me this way.
I hated it, couldn’t wait to get out of his sight & sound.
Yuk.
What could I say…I went silent alright. For about three whole days & nights.
I just wanna compliment Fairy how much YOU seemed much calmer since you off sugar you skin tone is radiant and glowing.This is HOW we all should aspire to glow UP after the abuse and healing.cheers
Wow. Thanks. That's motivating for me.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ♥️
Would love a video on how to bring up an ask/a need/a frustration in a loving way to someone especially a guy. Also can you share the link to the emergency tools mentioned in this wonderful video?
God bless you and the work you’re doing
Try this re-regulation technique bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had been receiving this from a friend of my late mother. I lost my mother young and the friend was one of the few living connections left to my mom. I’m not really totally clear on why she’s doing it, perhaps a misunderstanding. Realizing that it is a form of abuse helps put it in perspective.
Great 👍 Topic; Great 😊 video!! ❤❤❤
Just as a different perspective, while I see many comments about this being used as an aggressive/control tactic, my own use of it and always in conflict, was an attempt (admittedly unskilled) to move away, to have the other person stop shouting- so yes I suppose in that way it is control- though the motivation is to find safety from the other, not to punish the other. Keeping quiet until it feels safe to return. Not the best strategy in adult relating and a call perhaps to learn some boundaries.
Thank you.
I had to go no contact and block a person who has only played mind games, manipulated and triangulated. When I tried the open communication you suggest and he had access to me he just hoovered me back to cause more anguish and pain as nothing was changing in the dynamic. I know if I was to unblock him he’d keep doing the same as he has so many secrets and hidden things on his end and he tried to project it all onto me and make me feel guilt, shame and I lost myself in the dynamic. It was a horrible mental prison. I do have cPTSD from this connection and it has reignited abandonment wounds from my childhood. He wasn’t over his ex and that was a very messy situation with children involved and he couldn’t show up for me/us and I had to save myself before getting destroyed in the process. I realised I was a placeholder, a distraction for him but he wasn’t prepared to go into therapy. I have been in therapy now 6 months and the picture is much clearer.
Getting away from abusive people is the right thing to do :)
Cara@TeamFairy
I love your videos! I'm not sure why I have a hard time sitting through the letters part 🤔
Maybe you'd like to read it while she reads it out loud?
Thanks for sharing this information Anna
But it's totally different when you're in a relationship..or
Situationship with a person who suffers from Borderline personality disorder or the Cluster B personality disorders...
It's a totally different ballgame trying to understand and cope with your partner or famiky member who suffers from these disorders.
Sometimes your only option for your own sanity and mental health is to TOTALLY walk away..
Go full NO contact...
Block them on all platforms !!
Mean...
Cruel...
Hurtful...
Painful....etc...
Yes completely but we are talking about ones own soul survival !!!
We can't rescue a loved one who is drowning in their sea of trauma..childhood abuse and torment etc as they are trying to pull you down under their turbulent consuming watery abyss .
We can't save them
We can only save ourselves
Those who suffer from these terrible debilitating personality disorders must reach out for help on their own. It can take years of therapy eg; DBT EMDR CBT etc.
All of our love devotion compassion empathy...we can love them with every fiber of our being but due to their early childhood trauma they are unable to recieve our love nor give genuine sincere love. They only mirror us as we are lovebombed ( idealized...
devalued.....
then finally disgarded by them !
Our partner with these cluster B personality disorders will not remember the " good times..loving moments.. all the positive....only the negative...hurtful traumatizing moments( or what they perceived was tramatizing)
They paint us black...rarely to hoover back as they have already sought out new supply ( victim...partner etc )
I've learned alot over past 3 years watching countless youtube videos about partners family members who suffer from these disorders and these experts clearly address the " silent treatment...no contact...walking away...blocking for ones own survival....
And yes
It is extremely painful for both partners.
A was in a 2 year LDR with a women with these disorders...
I couldn't help her...
I showered her with my love
But finally had to walk away and save myself and block her.
No contact past 14 months...
It truly breaks my heart I had to do this because I know it crushed this precious woman of whom I Ioved and still love dearly !!
Who says we as humans can't love a person we've never met.....
Don't we love our unborn children never holding them and loving them until they are born.....
Don't we love God even never physically meeting Him !!
Anna does an incredible job helping so many including myself but to truly grasp the degree of challenges being in a relationship with a person who suffers from these disorders we must seek even further !
AJ Mahari has a youtube channel, she suffered from childhood trauma, suffered from Borderline personality disorder herself went through years of therapy , cured of BPD and has been helping others online for 32 years.
She's a beautiful soul
Please tune into her channel if you are struggling with these type of relationship issues.
God bless you and yours Anna for your kindness and compassion helping so many !!!
🙏🙏🙏❤️✝️❤️🙏🙏🙏
My husband and I both live with my mom. My husband and I have gone through abuse. I’ve gotten into arguments with my mom and my husband, but I’m working really hard on not letting my anger get the better of me to the point where I say hurtful things. Just recently, the TV wasn’t working, and I wasn’t having it. So my husband started suggesting things, and I was just so mad at the TV. So I decided to start gently touching the flowers, and I went to my bedroom and cranked up my favorite music on my speaker, and the music is what helped me start thinking rationally.
My current spouse, while somewhat improved, leans towards this behavior where my first spouse was explosive both verbally and physically ( until he was arrested for abuse which served to increase the verbal and emotional abuse).
I didn't realize each spouse simply exhibited a different side of the same coin.
I long ago learned to mostly avoid all hot topics, and to be sure I suffer because of it. I've worked at finding positive personal management skills as leaving my relationship is not a wise option as we have a special needs child who will need us for life and her dad is very involved in her life, so this has challenged me to seek means for relationship improvement rather than escape.
Despite initially flipping bad attitude my way my spouse did actually listen to this video. I don't know yet his impression but perhaps after losing his mom to death after barely reconnecting with her after three years of "silent treatment" ( his doing this time, however it's a tactic she too employed in his past) I think he's a little more open to improvement as he doesn't want to lose me as well.
Shouldnt we break-up with those who do this to us? Who disappear and go silent for days or even weeks to "teach" you?
It's the question I am asking myself, as my mother has been ignoring my messages and calls for 4+ months. And already did it 6 months years ago. I think she hates me and wants to burn bridges and has BPD. It's going so far that I don't know how I could forgive that and trust again. But I also need to feel loved and have some family support which I don't have at all.
@@MissSarahGM oh I so wish my mother would just forget that I exist. I cut her off 3 years ago and I am so much happier without her. Sadly I'm her only remaining family member and from time to time she attempts to win me back and I have to deal with her.
@@lizvtaz6 I guess it is different when the parent has always been abusive. My mother was also caring and loving at times, neglectful other times. It's what created a trauma bond and makes me want to get back to the "good mom" time. Maybe her mental health is declining and she split on me. It's my birthday soon, I am curious if she will stop her silent treatment or not. And how she justifies to herself what she's doing to me.
@@MissSarahGM actually my mother was never extremely abusive. She did not want me, was barely there when I was a child was way to childish and immature. Her parents brought me up, but they both passed away before I turned 18. Since then my mother tried to use me for psychological support. She would moan to me every single day about how hard her life is. At the same time she was not there for me when I needed it and when I became an adult she became really verbally abusive always trying to make me feel insecure about myself. It never worked I must say. Eventually she crossed the line and I did cut her off. But there have been times when she was more or less ok. I don't care tho. I am not that sentimental.
One thing driving this behavior is the belief that emotions are more important than reason. It never helps to calm down and come back to a person who believes that emotions are everything and should be obeyed. I feel sometimes worn down by my parents because they really seem to believe that the emotions are the real person and so you have always known them by their moods, as they do know each other. To suggest that a person should be in control of or at least make sense of their emotions feels like abandonment to people like this, who seem to think that their authenticity, their core, their "real me" is the emotions that come and go.
Accurate ❤
I have received the silent treatment, ghosting, blocking, etc, etc. I've been told how it is; as if I don't or can't think for myself. To prevent the psychological mind games, I have learned over the years to give in to their ways/perspective. Which is dishonest to myself but by then I'm tired of trying to defend myself while they're all wordy and I'm fumbling and so I end up being disregulated and feeling unworthy for days.
I’ve never been aware of silence. But withholding healthy caring conversation, yes. People seem to me more likely to unload. But it sounds extremely rejecting. So two extremes.
Gosh, I wasn't sure why I broke contact or grey rocked. I didn't realize that that I was being abusive...I physically couldn't comunicate for the hurt. All I could see is what they've done to me. do I apologize? And what are the parameters for apologizing? The shoes on the other foot and not pretty. I can't believe how often I'm unable to ever talk again. I never considered punishing another person..
We suggest working it out in the Daily Practice technique- free course :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel the same, I never considered punishing anyone. I feel like I'm unable to talk because I'm so hurt, angry, sad and helpless. And I don't know how to express that and it feels like too much emotion..
Start of the video so maybe you've already answered this.
I definitely do this. The question is how do you stay engaged when you feel like your buttons are being pushed, don't feel heard, and they also don't want to drop it. Beyond that not even having the same argument if that makes sense. Like they're fixated on the idea that you're saying things that never left your mouth and the argument becomes about something that didn't happen. Giving validation is so difficult when it isn't reciprocated.
Get a break, don't engage when you are just arguing. It takes learning some techniques and boundaries, you will get there! This free course is a great starting point bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so me, accept that I see my divorce coming. I freeze, when she is angry, loud and criticizing. My throat tightens and I m unable to speak. My heart races and when I managed to squeeze out a “sorry” no matter if I am not feeling any guilt, the hurricane comes over me. That’s a bad dynamic of conflict. But what can I do. It happens not often and I try not to rock the boat but sometimes it needs a small event.
The raging insults and verbal attacks are far, far worse, and far more traumatic than tense silence. I’ve experienced both and both wither the connection. Yet Verbal attacks are far far worse, I’ve ended relationships after just One verbal attack. Find peaceful, kind, nonjudgmental people. You deserve it.
I did it again. I blocked a guy I was dating, there was some inconsistencies and even if my suspicious were correct I lashed out at him and then block him. It was not kind and certainly I was very abusive at mean at him. I feel terrible because is not the first time I act aggressive on him, I prefer to leave things as they are and not open to door to repeat the cycle again. I hope he forgives me and I want to forgive myself to not repeat these mistakes with nobody special I can meet
My dad did this to me all the time as a child and teen, and my other siblings as well. I also did it, but know it is wrong and PAINFUL.My dad could go for days, weeks, and months.
My youngest adult son, gave me the silent treatment for almost 5 years. Very painful. I felt like I was in solitary confinement in the hole.(as I’ve seen in movies)
I’d would have much he yelled at me and was verbal because I could reply to that , not necessarily defensive, I’d listen deeply considering his words .
His dad my ex is a narcissistic personality disordered & more individual.I say I’m or was what they call co-dependent. Both of my Sons , can narc me as I call it, so I have to be strong yet loving mother …. I’ve accepted that i can do my best , love my children even if that is from a distance, that their feelings are important yet I am important also… earning any kind of respect from my boys after they grew up watching their dad and I , won’t be easy … I seemed weak and probably unreliable their dad Said things about me as they grew up . I had no idea . On & On . I quit trying to fix this broken family , I will do and love not fix not expect . I am the most important person in the equation… if I don’t take care of her nobody will and they won’t even want to be around me … sometimes we have to leave it all behind more or less move forward always forward, give the hurts of today to God, don’t resent that only hurts me empowers them , realize they have come from a deeply wounded soul hidden within nothing can fix that. No sympathy no resentment live with the consequences of my incorrect choice to marry someone I shouldn’t of. Learn from it at 50 he left me for a younger lady he had always cheated I’m 62 now many physical illnesses and diabetes from cortisol stress and other things .. mental emotional , I’ll always be a work in progress is how I feel lol . I think our health is on going in all the categories… love you all leave them get away asap the longer you stay the more damage that is done . Take it from my experience. I’ll be blessed if others will look out for themselves & kids Thank you Kimberly
Thanks
I went silent after he screamed at me in my living room for 3 nights over stuff I didn't understand, and it traumatized me. He continued raging thru voice mail until he filled up my mailbox. Then he went silent. It took me 5 months to get the courage to try to reopen communication, and his wife explained that his tactic is to escalate his screaming until he is responded to. So for him my going silent was the wrong response, but for me it was being frozen in terror. I suppose it's a childhood reaction to being abused, and I've never been able to overcome it. I see now how this response could get me killed by a bully who becomes enraged by it, but I don't see how forcing a verbal response to save the relationship would be any more helpful, when all I want is to find a place of safety from a raging maniac.
Whats the difference between silent treatment and when you withdraw because someone has hurt you again in a way that makes you feel they dont care enough to change?
When you remove yourself from a hurtful situation you are purposefully disengaging from a harmful situation. It's either permanent, such as ending a bad relationship or friendship, or temporary in that you need to leave an argument or interaction that is out of control on one or both sides. In these cases it's often that you state your boundary to the other person so they know what's going on - especially important in a relationship you are not actually ending, but you need a break from a difficult interaction. "I'm walking away now because this situation is out control but I will discuss the matter with you when we're both calm". For example. The silent treatment, in contrast, is just ghosting someone out of spite, with the purpose of hurting them back. It's the equivalent of hitting someone because they hit you first, instead of saying "that behaviour is not okay and I'm walking away now".
@@susannahv7219 Thank you for taking the time to explain.
My ex is the master of silence treatment
Hot damn does this hit hard. It took me entirely too long to see how unhealthy this behavior is and how unacceptable it is.
I've given my mother the cold treatment for about a year wherein she suffered a lot of headaches and heart problems as an aftermath. But she still didn't get why I did it. So in order not to kill her, I reached out first. Maybe it's her generation or maybe she's just a classic narcissist, but at least I have learned my lesson, I can't trust her with my plans and my life. I'm very civil with her now, as I have made myself the bigger person. But I still think that I am the lesson she has to learn here on Earth.
But what if I have tried talking with a friend about the knocking me down but always bragging on herself? She denies doing any wrong. I don't talk anymore to her. I miss her but not the the put downs.
It takes DAYS for me to be able to think clearly about an attack. How can I speed up that process?
Anna's free course: bit.ly/38JfzK1
Cara@TeamFairy
I use silence & I shut down but as a defense mechanism. I’m not trying to manipulate anyone, all I want is for the other person to STOP treating me bad and STOP yelling at me. Or to STOP a conversation or an argument that is not going anywhere.
Some people want to see you cry to understand that you are hurt, well I don’t always want to break into tears to display my pain. I rather stay quiet. 😮
Plus as a child, I was not allowed to talk back, even if I was right. I had to listen to my grandma scolding me and take it QUIETLY. While playing sports coaches often say “THEY DONT WANT TO HEAR IT, cuz you made a mistake and all you have are excuses”. So, communication is not my forte. But I also would not like to be labeled as a manipulative narcissist just because I was often told to shut up, and now that what my body automatically does.
I blocked my fiancé for 1 month(who has been away for a job training), because he was plotting on cheating, while I’m pregnant. I decided to detach from him because I honestly wanted to end it. Blocking him and ghosting him, was just my way to protect me and my pregnancy. I learned that I can live without him🤷🏻♀️.
I had an uncle who could go for a month and not speak to any member of his family who he thought had done something he didn’t like. He was excessive.
After leaving a 25 yr relationship that produced 4 beautiful kids ... I left bcs my husband's strategy for ANY unpleasant/unwanted emotions is loud voice that frequently transitions into near shouting... the first time we had a conflict was when we were almost married.... I remember feeling like a scarred rabbit that completely froze with a lump in my throat ... since then I had adopted the silent response/treatment in many cases ...for years simply not knowing how to use words to effectively communicate and stop being afraid. I realized at some point I was using my mom's tactic.. I was ONLY parented with silent treatments and they lasted for several days at times. Also, got used to waking up and walking on eggshells bcs I didn't know what mood my mom was going to be in ... learned REALLY well how to be a people pleaser and mood detector... and the ironic thing is I realized it some years back and ended up adopting another unworkable strategy , not from my husband ... being brutally honest and not caring any longer whether I hurt my "opponents " feelings at that moment.
How does that even happen ?
When someone goes silent on you/ignores you when things were going fine b/t you prior to it happening. You dealing with a narcissist. And they cheating on you. Simple as that :)
I think I do this. But no one answers my question when I ask: I’m not an endless well of warmth and kindness that’s available to be drawn from no matter the conditions. Why wouldn’t I fall back?
I would like to use conflict as a mode to resolution
I always gave the silent treatment to my family until I had to do absolute no contact ever again!! 😢
Depends: when Mom would do it, I felt relieve cuz at least the assults would stop. AND, yes it did leave me hurt, confused, sad, unloved and alone.
Glad you're here
-Cara@TeamFairy
I don't know. This happens when with people i would like in my live but aren't healed. Nor healing and are the cause of my painful pattern. My parents. I don't know if i let then come to close.
And i don't know, i had the courage to say what bothered me. Kind and turned my anger into a question but they reacted that intense, and shame me. They seam triggered themselfes. Stuck in old story's and confront me with all what triggered them when i was a child. I'm 36 now. Having my own family. Now i wonder if i do silent treatment now. I don't call, i dont meet them now for a few weeks and since that my nervous system hangs in some freeze and Dissoziation. I have really difficultys to cope with theyr reaction. This not being present. They flip out and i don't want to go there ever again. Not for punishing. For self protection. I don't like to be with people who flip out when i show my boundary's and needs. Not fancy just common respect between adults. Something they don't have any clue of. I don't like to teach to the unteachable anymore. Its draining.
But for new contacts i guess that's working. Better then not doing anything.
One question. Most of your work relates to angry outbursts or punishments. Nervous system reaction fight. That's how I understand it.
I experience some problems to get them working for me, as my nervous system reacts with freeze. Plus I slip in Dissoziation really easy. What's making it hard to even realize when triggered. How can I transform you brilliant advice to my nervous system.
I don't feel alive and don't have energy to even say something when triggered. Due to the old BS reacting in the unconscious i go numb.
I go back to state of age 6 weeks. Nervous system blown out by an attack my dad did to me. My mom could not stop him and nobody ever ended this nervous system state for my baby body back then.
They just blamed me for being a tyrannic child ever since. And for being to sensetive and to slow and far more.
So freeze is my body's answer to even the lightest threads. After this my caregivers reacted very triggered by the not being connectable behaviour i had as a child. I had to endure theyr frustration and never got some regulation or help when something bothered me. Just shame for being difficult. So much to grieve. 😢
The freeze is in my way. And the pattern to avoid connection. But that goes on mainly because freeze stops me to say something when i feel hurt or disrespected.
I broke up with my gf. She has traumas due to some abuses, trust issues. Last week, we talked and she transformed events from the past and turn them littéraly into shitty memories. It was painful. 2 days later, I shared my feelings by messages but she didnt react well. So now, we go silent. I feel like I just set my boundaries but when I listen to this video, it's almost as if I shouldn't have done that... I dont know what to think about it anymore...
My daughters boyfriend has given her the silent treatment for 3 weeks, once again and has bought a dog when she absolutely did not want one and on and on! They bought a house together and have a 5 year old child. The skype, Better Help Counselor,apparently, is primarily focusing on the boyfriend's childhood, mommy issues and not ever addressed my daughter and WHY she feels she should put up with this abuse..for 3 weeks now! What do you suggest? Thank you
Consequences not punishment
I work with the man who lied and ripped my heart out. Apparently over and over again.
I hate the silent treatment but I am so hurt, I literally can't talk to him. It physically hurts me because he just fine.
I answer when he asks work questions and otherwise, I stay out of the way or just remain silent.
We have had open heart to heart talks over and over again but he has been stringing me along and using me to help himself feel better for all this time.
Nothing he told me was real.
is my silence still wrong?
I just refuse to let him hurt me again and since are still in the same place, for now this is all I can do.
It hurts.
Horribly.
I go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out then go back to work. Sigh.
I'm looking other places but for now, it is what it is.
Am I wrong for not being "nice"?
I seem to get the silent treatment a lot off other people and family just because I am quiet and they don't understand me , because I am dysregulated . most people by me lack understanding it's hard for them to grasp how people with c.p.t.s.d behave and don't seem like normal people to them , I have only tried to explain to a few people who I am closer to but it's so hard to make them understand , how I might go in to a world of my own if I'm am triggered , they just think I am being funny and awkward , I didn't now myself until recently finding I have c.p.t.s.d , when I have finished therapy I will look for other ways to help me cope better , 🧚🏼♀ , 🐬
Is it the silent treatment when I'm so out of words after an argument that I have nothing to say? My mom and I had an argument recently. Before, we didn't talk much anyway. Now she thinks I'm giving her the cold shoulder. I'm not trying to punish her. I just don't have anything left, meaning I'm not sure if I can even have a relationship with her because she invalidates much of what comes out of my mouth. There just isn't any point anymore. I might ask if she needs anything when I run to the store, but other than that, I feel like I'm done.
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I believe it's the silent treatment if you're trying to punish her. If you're just done, you might want to just grey rock (be boring//don't share anything that can be used against you etc.) I believe Dr Ramani has info on this in her channel. If you'd like to break down what happened and try to repair things, I suggest talking to a counselor about how to do this in a healthy way (setting boundaries etc.)
I have a newish friendship and here's a pattern. She calls me up like we're going to have a nice conversation but it devolves rapidly into a rant that goes from complaints about one person or situation after another till 20 minutes have transpired and I really think she's been drinking. I am trying very diligently to not complain, ruminate and involve myself in worrying about people who aren't actually even in my life, and situations that I have absolutely no power over. But this is exactly what her mind is up to (when she drinks she calls me and goes on these rants). So if I don't allow myself this bad habbit, why should I tolerate her wasting my time doing this to me? Then she gets miffed if I'm not responding positively to her rants. So she hang up all miffed, but calls me back twice (I'm not answering because she's drunk and will surely continue with more of the same). It's not stonewalling is it? I can't stand her when she does this. I'm not trying to punish her. I just don't want my time wasted and my mind infected. Why should I allow her to do this when I don't allow it for myself?
She is very selfish! If she only uses for talking shit about others, she is either in a very unhealthy place an needs teraphy, or she is just very selfish, wants to have people she can use and no reciprocation ( from what I read, it is not a dialog, just her ranting…) so, what is the point of that? Sounds very dis regulated to me or toxic…
Silence is not golden, its deafening.
The silent treatment has cost me many friendships.. 😢...
My ex husband was king of silent treatment. Awful feeling.
Im struggling with this...how do I handle the situation when my spouse upsets me??? For example does something that i dont like such as lying?? I usually tell em the reason why i am upset etc give em a day or so to think about it then hw never brings it up until i do...makes me think he doesnt care how else do i fix this to make it known his lying has consequences?
I go silent due to pain... I just ghost him.