Last year Sam did a video about running away from the mentally ill person. Stop trying to save them and save yourself. Well a year later like an idiot I've been The Rock to a borderline woman who also has bipolar. She's in her avoidance phase I have been letting go emotionally as well as physically. And all I can say is it's been exhausting and has taken a toll on me. I ended up becoming the parent the financial advisor the housekeeper the pet sitter the administrative assistant and so many other ridiculous tasks to keep her life in check. This all provided me with some meaning to my own life. I fully went into her life and exited my own and it felt great to be needed. Now I'm just exhausted. I'm healing I'm sick of it. She wasn't even a lover just a close friend even a platonic relationship can suck you dry. A hell of a lot of lessons learned
In listening, I was reminded of an experience I had with a pwBPD. We were of course on and off, and one day after not hearing from her for weeks, she called to have lunch. I was probably hungover so, I decided to go. During the said lunch, she tells me that some guy she previously described as being just a friend, had written her a 4 page letter expressing his love for her. I realize now that she was feeling engulfed by letter dude's mushiness, and I was the one expected to momentarily bring her back down to reality. Well lunch turned into spending the day and night together. I wonder how many others soothed her, when I was the one getting too close?
Do you mind me asking, is this something you feel is a positive transaction for you? It would seem she might have desired YOU, and this was her way to draw you in. Asking for a friend 😉 (also, what is the *pw >BPD?) TY
@@rebeccabejenaru pwBPD is a Person With Borderline Personality Disorder. No it wasn't a positive transaction I should have known that given the amount of times we broke up and made up, that this time wouldn't be any different. I wasn't mature enough to refuse.
Based on Dr. Vaknin's observations, I knew someone I think has undiagnosed BPD. In February years ago, she told me a university classmate had threatened to kill her. Then, two months later, she mentioned that classmate again but she said he is only a nice flirt. Then in May of that same year, she switched between those two conflicting opinions of him every one or two days. Every time she switched, she sounded as though she didn't remember what she said the previous time even if it was just the day before.
In my opinion, fear of abandonment can be easier imagined for those who listen and do not suffer from BPD. Unlike fear of engulfment, where this cannot be in any way understood by anyone else apart from BPD and those who study psychology...
I seem to struggle with functioning in reality. I want to be with truth eagerly. I have trouble leaving the fantasy because I don’t know how to do anything else besides the fantasy. It’s as if I automatic do things and it’s hard to notice while triggered by hypnotists always manifesting within this level of hell. I’ve only been able to decrease the level of reactive behaviors and borderline traits. It can flair up whenever multiple life events happen at once. I seem to punish myself for not submitting to narcissists. It causes me to think that I don’t desire to do my tasks. Even though it’s not what I want, it feels like it is. I need to support myself but I just find random ways to make income. It’s stressful. I don’t know how to fix my deep belief that I can’t provide for myself. That I’m not a person who would get hired. I’m talented and have skills from being so invalidated my whole life. Trying to be good enough.. but I am at a loss as to how I can make stable income. That I can sustain while having ptsd that causes extreme brain fog, Agoraphobia symptoms, and feeling like I’m unworthy among other humans.
I have BPD and I felt my narcissist long term affair partner was getting ready to discard me after he mentioned I lost too much weight, so I sent his wife a letter to sabotage him and our long term relationship. It was the first time he made a comment that I felt threaten by. Idk why I do this! I did learn thru you Dr V that through me I allowed the Narc to fall in love with himself and that is what obsessively drew him to me, I was his supply and allowed him to idealize himself
Let’s not forget our part because I had an affair with a narc as well. I believe I (high on the borderline spectrum) fell mostly in love with his idealization of me. I liked that idealization. I liked the person he thought I was. It was like all my good traits on steroids and it really brought out my narcissistic side. It gives me peace knowing it was actually more about me and my lack of self that I ever fell for this turtle looking freak.
@@Ehuff Yes!!!! Mine was obsessed with me and his obsession of me allowed me to idealize myself. It was a sick twisted game that’s he and I have played for 5 years. He’d given me nothing but admiration, but when he made the comment about my weight then the following week about my hair roots, I felt or feared a discard and so I sabotaged the relationship and him by sending his wife a random letter. Yes extreme!
@@grandmabetty1 yup. Get this…. Mine lived two houses down from me. He watched everything I did and I freakin loved it. I loved how hot I felt and I loved how it was like this naughty little game… I was married so I knew he couldn’t have me. Same with him. I’m not proud of my behavior by any means…. But the trauma bond, the soul ties, the neurological bullshit this sick and twisted relationship (addictionship) really effed me up. It’s taken forever for me to heal. Shit, I’m still watching videos after over a year of no contact. 🤦♀️
Thank you so much Professor, You help me a lot with your videos. Please advise me on my relationship with my 25 years old son which appears to show being a convert narcissist and if is possible on still having a mother and son relationship. I am also self aware of having borderline disorder and l am sure you most likely smile when you read this message. I reflect, study and self observing of my mind , read over 500 books on psychology to see how l function and why for decades and now l need your advice on how can or if l can do anything to coexist with my narcissistic son living with me. I am aware of no contact still my attachment is lingering and he is of course aware of my weakness and l am aware of mine using it constantly. Please let me know if I might need a consultation with you maybe is more convenient or any advice on how can l make this work. I spoke with many doctors but are not as equipped with specific instructions as l have hear you speak. Thank you for all the videos.
I have a question regarding the covert narcissist. For 35years on and off..He has stalked and chased me, never giving up until he could create an opportunity to insert himself in my life, when successfull then completely objectified and wanted to play out the fantasy in his mind even to the point of sexual assault. Do you have more information on what is behind this behavior with the stalking? I can only find information relating to stalking once no contact is established by the victim, not for years prior.
Last year Sam did a video about running away from the mentally ill person. Stop trying to save them and save yourself. Well a year later like an idiot I've been The Rock to a borderline woman who also has bipolar. She's in her avoidance phase I have been letting go emotionally as well as physically. And all I can say is it's been exhausting and has taken a toll on me. I ended up becoming the parent the financial advisor the housekeeper the pet sitter the administrative assistant and so many other ridiculous tasks to keep her life in check. This all provided me with some meaning to my own life. I fully went into her life and exited my own and it felt great to be needed. Now I'm just exhausted. I'm healing I'm sick of it. She wasn't even a lover just a close friend even a platonic relationship can suck you dry. A hell of a lot of lessons learned
Oh man I have a feeling it was way worse than what you briefly described. It’s ok man.
In listening, I was reminded of an experience I had with a pwBPD. We were of course on and off, and one day after not hearing from her for weeks, she called to have lunch. I was probably hungover so, I decided to go. During the said lunch, she tells me that some guy she previously described as being just a friend, had written her a 4 page letter expressing his love for her. I realize now that she was feeling engulfed by letter dude's mushiness, and I was the one expected to momentarily bring her back down to reality. Well lunch turned into spending the day and night together. I wonder how many others soothed her, when I was the one getting too close?
Do you mind me asking, is this something you feel is a positive transaction for you? It would seem she might have desired YOU, and this was her way to draw you in. Asking for a friend 😉 (also, what is the *pw >BPD?) TY
@@rebeccabejenaru pwBPD is a Person With Borderline Personality Disorder. No it wasn't a positive transaction I should have known that given the amount of times we broke up and made up, that this time wouldn't be any different. I wasn't mature enough to refuse.
@zestrus11 For sure. I had my own issues, and I shouldn't have dated her. It's so much easier to focus on someone else's behavior rather than our own.
Based on Dr. Vaknin's observations, I knew someone I think has undiagnosed BPD. In February years ago, she told me a university classmate had threatened to kill her. Then, two months later, she mentioned that classmate again but she said he is only a nice flirt. Then in May of that same year, she switched between those two conflicting opinions of him every one or two days. Every time she switched, she sounded as though she didn't remember what she said the previous time even if it was just the day before.
a pleasure to hear you, learn and laugh with your sense
of humor! Thank you for
sharing your knowledge ❤
Good snowy morning from Boston ! Perfect timing and goes great with my coffee! Nice to see you Prof!
In my opinion, fear of abandonment can be easier imagined for those who listen and do not suffer from BPD. Unlike fear of engulfment, where this cannot be in any way understood by anyone else apart from BPD and those who study psychology...
Shalom teacher Sam vaknin, I'm forever grateful for your answers that helped me to understand what I went through
How could a borderline begin to develop their own self-agnency?
I am so grateful...You have helped me resolve the mystery of my relationship with my mother...
I know now...
Best regards. Come to Greece!
Organize a lecture and I will.
This is me, I've been doing research and I think I've been BPD my whole life
Thank you Sam ❤️
I seem to struggle with functioning in reality. I want to be with truth eagerly. I have trouble leaving the fantasy because I don’t know how to do anything else besides the fantasy. It’s as if I automatic do things and it’s hard to notice while triggered by hypnotists always manifesting within this level of hell. I’ve only been able to decrease the level of reactive behaviors and borderline traits. It can flair up whenever multiple life events happen at once. I seem to punish myself for not submitting to narcissists. It causes me to think that I don’t desire to do my tasks. Even though it’s not what I want, it feels like it is. I need to support myself but I just find random ways to make income. It’s stressful. I don’t know how to fix my deep belief that I can’t provide for myself. That I’m not a person who would get hired. I’m talented and have skills from being so invalidated my whole life. Trying to be good enough.. but I am at a loss as to how I can make stable income. That I can sustain while having ptsd that causes extreme brain fog, Agoraphobia symptoms, and feeling like I’m unworthy among other humans.
Thank you so much Dear Sam Vaknin❤
Hello. I have a question about psychopaths. How do these people read people's mind extremely easily and accurately? Thanks!
Watch my videos on cold empathy.
Literally just had this conversation with one of my patients.
@user-message- I will literally beat you directly with my Hugo Buss Belt Buckle.
You're allright bro.
I have BPD and I felt my narcissist long term affair partner was getting ready to discard me after he mentioned I lost too much weight, so I sent his wife a letter to sabotage him and our long term relationship. It was the first time he made a comment that I felt threaten by. Idk why I do this!
I did learn thru you Dr V that through me I allowed the Narc to fall in love with himself and that is what obsessively drew him to me, I was his supply and allowed him to idealize himself
Let’s not forget our part because I had an affair with a narc as well.
I believe I (high on the borderline spectrum) fell mostly in love with his idealization of me. I liked that idealization. I liked the person he thought I was. It was like all my good traits on steroids and it really brought out my narcissistic side. It gives me peace knowing it was actually more about me and my lack of self that I ever fell for this turtle looking freak.
@@Ehuff Yes!!!! Mine was obsessed with me and his obsession of me allowed me to idealize myself. It was a sick twisted game that’s he and I have played for 5 years. He’d given me nothing but admiration, but when he made the comment about my weight then the following week about my hair roots, I felt or feared a discard and so I sabotaged the relationship and him by sending his wife a random letter. Yes extreme!
@@Ehuff mines not cute either, short bald and my friends laughed, it was all the mental emotional dance the physical was not a factor
@@grandmabetty1 yup. Get this…. Mine lived two houses down from me. He watched everything I did and I freakin loved it. I loved how hot I felt and I loved how it was like this naughty little game… I was married so I knew he couldn’t have me. Same with him. I’m not proud of my behavior by any means…. But the trauma bond, the soul ties, the neurological bullshit this sick and twisted relationship (addictionship) really effed me up. It’s taken forever for me to heal. Shit, I’m still watching videos after over a year of no contact. 🤦♀️
@@Ehuff same, got sucked it and that’s why I sabotaged it I needed to end it. Did you have a physical relationship with him?
@sam vaknin what happens when the borderline doesn’t leave the narcissist? I mean over time as years go on, people who don’t leave marriages
it sounds creepy with a fantasy like that with the other one holds you tight.
You're so funny and educational. Thank-you.
You are the best, professor! Your uniquie knowledge is a great support in healing after narc. abuse!! You give hope, based on your uniquie knowledge
I love you and your sense of humor❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much Professor,
You help me a lot with your videos.
Please advise me on my relationship with my 25 years old son which appears to show being a convert narcissist and if is possible on still having a mother and son relationship.
I am also self aware of having borderline disorder and l am sure you most likely smile when you read this message.
I reflect, study and self observing of my mind , read over 500 books on psychology to see how l function and why for decades and now l need your advice on how can or if l can do anything to coexist with my narcissistic son living with me.
I am aware of no contact still my attachment is lingering and he is of course aware of my weakness and l am aware of mine using it constantly.
Please let me know if I might need a consultation with you maybe is more convenient or any advice on how can l make this work.
I spoke with many doctors but are not as equipped with specific instructions as l have hear you speak.
Thank you for all the videos.
I think I might have BPD
This all sounds very similar to my ex sadly 😢
Are all fearful avoidants borderline?
No.
@@samvaknin do you have a video outlining the differences between fearful avoidant and bpd? Thanks
Can this disorder be hereditary?
There is a genetic component, yes.
I have a question regarding the covert narcissist.
For 35years on and off..He has stalked and chased me, never giving up until he could create an opportunity to insert himself in my life, when successfull then completely objectified and wanted to play out the fantasy in his mind even to the point of sexual assault. Do you have more information on what is behind this behavior with the stalking?
I can only find information relating to stalking once no contact is established by the victim, not for years prior.
In the avoidant stage, does it always become physical or can it be emotional?
Can be either or both.
Prof. are you in tik tok or youtube?