Diving Deep Into Narcissism
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- Опубліковано 18 лют 2024
- Description:
We have the incredible Dr. Ramani back to continue our conversation on narcissism. With her newest book,” It’s Not You”, here we had to dig deeper into narcissistic behaviors and how to navigate the highs and lows.
Make sure to check out “It’s Not You” wherever you get your books!!
Come say hi:
IG: @ambyrchilders_official
IG: @doctorramani
doctorramani.com
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Thank you!!
This reminds me so much of Dr Ramani's recent speaker series where Dr Ingrid Clayton said something like, "having boundaries felt like an invitation to be steamrolled." That describes the experience of having narcissistic / invalidating parents perrrrfectly. And it's hard after such a childhood to learn to have boundaries with healthy people. Even then, the risk feels enormous.
And in a way, with narcissists, it IS an invitation to get trampled, so I've also found that internal boundaries work way better, like the not telling them good or bad news example.
The great emotional, mental, injuries were not the "pandemic" but the LOCK DOWN that forced unnatural isolation.
First video of yours I've watched. This was a good convo, the conversation flowed well. Good job, got a sub from me.
Welcome aboard!
@@ambyr.childers Thank you :) Keep up the good work 🙂👍
That was great. I ordered the book twice.
If you say to someone you know is antagonistic these are my boundaries and if you don't respect them I'm going to leave or set whatever consequences - the narcissist or antagonistic person is going to view that as a threat, they will see that as you challenging them. To them, they make the rules, they set the tone and just the fact you are saying this they're going to come at you guns blazing basically you know what you are doing to get because for them they have to be in charge so you're not going to come out of this well.
What I know that works is that you need a goal in mind. I once pulled a family member aside, and I made sure to do it privately, and I actually came from a place strangely of compassion. I said,
"Hey, I understood you were so excited to see my new decking outside, but you can not let yourself into my house."
And I had a bit of a breakthrough, just a little bit with this person. But I didn't use words like "this is my boundary" or make it seam. I'm coming from a dominating stance, and that helped me at that moment in that situation. I was still confident, but I was calm but firm.
I also have to write this because reading from many many books on just about anything good negotiating means there's a goal in mind. If you have a quicker route to get to the hospital perhaps and they're insisting on going a certain way you can perhaps suggest something and if you have the gift of the gab explain why - something like you and your parter have been here before and it's less traffic this way. Sometimes, I can convince a family member this way. But it does mean you're not going to rise to the usual things they have to say. Which is best to imply the act don't react strategy. It's not easy but a tip I can share is take a deep breath before you lead with what you say and regulate your breathing in the midst of it because initially for me I go into shock but by taking that breath it calms the flight fight or freeze response.
What is it you want to achieve? Just because and I'm saying it like this because arguing and prolonging fights are just going to stress you out, and you're just going to get your feelings hurt. Your goal is basically to heal and be feeling happier as much as you possibly can. So distance helps. Distance has been my friend and surrounding myself with friends who understand my situation.
Again, what has also helped me is if I am in conflict with the individuals in my life and they say something like
"I don't want anything to do with you ever again," or "I won't be doing you any more favours."
Tell them it's okay, you will sort something, your goal isn't to fight but I have reminded certain people that its their choice to leave, not do a favour like take me to the airport because my head goes straight to I'm in control of myself and how I choose to act and if they want to do x y and z it's up to them but I do point out to them it's fine to anyone who says such things (even when it's not) but that it's their choices. It's up to you, I've often said, and you've just got to let them make their own decisions. For me, that helps bringing radical acceptance along quicker because you're accepting them currently as they are.
This is great IF it works.
Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
This probably would have worked for me and the narc I was talking to IF I had been dominant and calm in that situation. (I was flustered at the time).
Also, your advice won't work if it's a psychopath.
Nope.
If the psychopath has chosen not to agree with you, then they won't, doesn't matter how dominant, pleasing, begging or sorry you are or try to get them to see reason.
If a psychopath decides then they are the alpha, period.
@specialtwice4975 I lightly touched on the fact that they won't listen. You can kind of tell when you're saying the words but no ones home because then I wouldn't bother.
What I meant was using the example I gave was when you're not in conflict with someone Dr Ramani calls it a "unicorn moment" where you've genuinely surprised the person at a moment where something gets through to them. Im not saying it will work in every case, but i was only speaking from my experience. I would try the breathing technique, though, because it's a scientific fact it calms the nervous system down and to slowly regulate your breathing under extreme situations because from experience it's no good if you do a deep breath before words gets said and insults gets thrown around because my family try and make damn sure I have no pride and it's cutting but the only way to try and maintain some sort if control is how I react to them. It's not easy, my heart is thumping like someone playing the base running through my body because I have before now reached a kind of limit and started to shout but then everyone can say look now I'm out of control and I'm acting babyish so I tell myself I have to remain in control of myself at all times. So, from experience, I find that keeping breathing has to occur under these circumstances. It helps, it's harder, especially if you don't like or do conflict, which is why, also, as I've mentioned, if it's possible, create distance. Whether it means staying around a mates house or a boyfriends place , so you're not around it - fortunately for me, now I've my own home (even though I did not have much of a choice when I lived with my parents they controlled everything. My Mom felt she had to do my makeup, to shaving my legs and I did not get that personal space. I understand every situation is different I'm only sharing strategies that worked for me and if anyone can take a bit of anything from what I've wrote I'd feel like I too am helping someone and that is what I'm aiming to do