In my first marriage I lived in Iran, and was a full time homemaker in very difficult circumstances…a war, the unsteady government just after the revolution… and the husband was gone a lot as an airline pilot. I learned to cook and to speak Persian… when I finally got out of there I lost custody because no one quite understood my fear that if I asked for divorce he would take them to Iran… which he did. I needed a LOT of self care. I got therapy, went back to school… became a lawyer, and got my children back. I have remarried to a lovely wonderful husband and I am mostly retired, doing more writing. I support your self care, even on a frugal budget, bath oil, good shampoo, face cream and makeup make life better for me. Appreciate yourself and express gratitude… teach those around you that if gratitude is expressed, it multiplies joy for everyone. Hugs!❤
You are a powerful and amazing woman. It must have been a very painful time being separated from your children and you went to school to educate yourself and get them back!! Wow. ❤️❤️❤️
Your story reminds me so much of the movie 'Not Without My Daughter' with Sally Fields. American women have so many rights they don't realize or appreciate. Many Middle Eastern countries are patriarchal and in divorce, the father gets the kids, not the mother. Glad it worked out for you!
I’m starting a thing I’m calling Fabulous Fridays and I am allowing myself to take care of ME that day. Full time homemaker/homeschooler with a fledgling marketing business. But I want to allow Friday to be free and practice self care. I have a pop up sauna tent I bought a few years back, do an exercise video on UA-cam, I spent a little this month (frugal guilt..but) on some skincare and haircare and I’m going to take a few hours for ME. I so get what you say about burnout and things become expected. I love being a homemaker now .. but I am learning to carve out some time for me and what I love. Otherwise I’ll crash one of these days. I love your videos. You’re like the friend I wish I had IRL. 😅
Oh, boy!!! It's like you're in my house, Kate!🤣 What you're describing is exactly what I've gone through. It has little to do with parenting. It has to do with normal human behaviour and normal stages of childhood development. I'm convinced! We all think the grass is greener in someone else's house. Why wouldn't our kids say, "your cooking is terrible", "why can't we have this?" Why wouldn't our families not appreciate all our hard work? Corporate North America doesn't appreciate it's workers. Human nature. And I'll tell you something none of you want to hear...IT GETS WORSE. My kids are adults. 3 teens and 2 became adults during lockdown. All desperately wanting to become independent when the cost of living is too high to move out! Once they get girlfriends, boyfriends...the volume on "everything you've ever done as a parent is wrong" goes WAY up. It will destroy you unless you have been proactive in having a life outside of your role as "homemaker", "wife", "mother". Your children WILL hopefully, leave home one day. You've done your job well if they become independent adults. I only have 1 of 3 still at home. It's been a tough journey with lots of ingratitude. And they WILL come around again, once they've "seen the greener grass that's not so green". You MUST have an identity outside of just homemaking! However... doesn't mean you have a tantrum and go "on strike". You're just modelling what they will turn around & do back to you. Make small changes and shifts slowwwwwwly. I only make breakfast for hubby on weekends, now. I get my nails done every month now. I volunteer at 3 things now, that I love. I STILL cook from scratch. Make a healthy supper every night and a big pot of soup for a week's lunches. That's it. Take a deep breath. God is with us in it all.🇨🇦♥️
i could write a book about what you have said....i was in such a hole it was frightening. No one supported me in my dilemma. I was told to see therapists. It's ugly. The homemaker is in an invisible role that plays right into blame. It's very sad. Therapists tell the woman to get an outside paying job, at least they did in my case. I was surrounded in childhood by narcissists and that didn't help matters either, as many know, they do not change.
@@Jendromeda I agree with you that homemakers are an easy scapegoat...partly because there are few witnesses to their work. But, honestly, I think moms who work full-time out of the home also get blamed. I think dads get blamed. I really think it's a normal part of childhood development to challenge and wrestle with the ways in which one was raised. It's part of slowly separating from the parents and asserting individuality. The real challenge, as parents, is to objectively recognize it as a normal part of development and DO. NOT. take it personally. You are not a bad mother. You are not a bad homemaker. No one is perfect. Each mother operates from her own strengths & weaknesses. We do our best with what we have. Maybe, having a really abusive mother leads some of us to think, "well, if I'm not a perfect mom, perfect homemaker, I must be in the same category as my abusive mother." NOT SO. That all-or-nothing thinking is false. The person who needs to stop blaming you for being a "bad mom" is YOU! That's what I've learned after many tears. I needed to stop that internal dialogue. I LOVE a clean house...for ME. I LOVE healthy, home cooking.....for ME. I have kept what I love and learning to take care of me beyond homemaking, as well. We don't need to be a "victim" in the difficult stages of homemaking. Things WILL get better. They always do.♥️
I think for me the struggle is that I'm always at work, I never leave my work. I have a hard time finding balance as a Homemaker between duty and keeping the home the way and I want it and relaxing and enjoying my home.
I think as mothers we are always thinking about our family. The family gets so used to you leaving your self last that they stop thinking of your needs .
Sorry Kate haven’t done one of my long comments in years ! But here goes !! I’ve been very lucky I’ve been married 43 years and my husband has always supported me doing things for myself, even when we had four kids at home. I also don’t remember my kids ever complaining about things I did , except one time our oldest son got mad at me for not doing laundry when he was 13 , my husband walked him out to show him the washer and dryer showed him how to use it and said he wasn’t allowed to ask me to do laundry anymore but of course I would if he asked nice but he learned a lesson that day. He did do his laundry most of the time on his own after that. When the kids were young I had to do more housework and I had no choice because he worked and we had four kids that were small and needed me to do the things I needed to do, but I still managed to do some things for myself, things that made me happy. I’ve always read , made jewelry and crafts, did writing in notebooks and eventually on a blog once we had Internet because , remember back then there was no Internet until our oldest was 16, well at least that’s when we got Internet! Now these days, I have a UA-cam channel that I do craft and jewelry tutorials on and I still blog ! Sometimes , especially as the older kids started getting their own lives, housework wouldn’t get done as well as it should , never horrible, but sometimes a little behind on laundry and maybe the dishes would sit in the sink for the day before I would get them cleaned, although the kids did have chores as they got older and had to help, and he never complained when things got a bit behind . Now that he’s retired he’s taken on a lot of the house work to help me out . He encourages me to do the things I enjoy doing which lately have been more reselling on eBay which I’ve done for 20 years, making videos for my channel, and doing some crafts and jewelry still. I had open heart surgery in September and he had to take over everything for around eight weeks but the last two weeks I’ve been able to start helping him a lot more. I think if you always ask for your time and you started at the beginning finding things you love to do and find time for them, that will be the expectation in the family and relationship. Of course my husband on his days off could do things he wanted to do as well. Although for him spending time with the kids and me were what he wanted to do . Now that he’s retired , he has time to do some of his hobbies and interest as well. I think at the beginning of a relationship and marriage you just have to put your boundaries out there and it never was an issue for us we just naturally did this. But it is very easy to get burned out and when the kids were little I had times like that too. It’s just unavoidable as little kids need a lot of attention and are a lot of work. Of course back then I didn’t do as much for me but I read a lot back then , I did crochet and did things that were easy to pick up and put down as kids need your attention and interrupt you a lot. But I do think women need to find a side interest something that makes them happy whatever that is to keep feeding their soul while they’re helping their family and doing all the things that we have to do to keep a home going. I think the problem is a lot of people don’t know what they want to do and that can be the problem. I have a couple friends that have no hobbies or interest at all and their kids are grown and they’re bored because they never cultivated hobbies and when they were younger. So find something you love to do when you’re younger and you can always grow from there and find other things you enjoy doing. But it is important to keep you from completely burning out. Also making the family help you the kids as they get older can do things to help you out then they appreciate more how a house runs! That’s just my two cents but that’s what worked for us and 43 years were still thriving and happy even though we’re empty nesters now nothings changed we support each other and have fun doing what we love to do both together and our own individual interest.
I’m really enjoying your videos lately. I’ve always enjoyed the earlier ones but you’ve stepped up your game and I appreciate that you speak from your heart. It’s like having a conversation with a friend. Keep up the amazing content, Kate!
@ I sure have! Longer than you might think.. I changed my handle a couple of years ago but I’ve been here since the old blue house, tiny kids, and so so many changes! I’m your age, had children older and have so many of the same struggles.. We may not have all of the same thoughts and views on life but you’re my friend you never knew you had😂 Keep being you! You’re so loved and needed by so many.
I don’t think anyone is ever truly appreciated until they are gone or not taking care of things anymore. I look back on my grandmother and all of the things she did for the family and all of us grandchildren. Do you think any of us knew to thank her? Of course not. But she knew and I know now that some day my children and grandchildren will look back and say We had the best mother/grandmother ever. I cherish my memories and I think granny was wise enough to know this would be the case. You can’t truly appreciate what you have until you see someone else doesn’t have it so well. I remember my young son coming home from a friends one time and saying to me. You are not like other mothers. I asked him what he meant. I had just asked him if I could cook him some breakfast, he said his friends little 5 year old brother had to find his own food to eat ( mother too lazy to cook it for him), my son said when he stayed there he would cook for his friends little brother and help him figure out what to eat. I think that was the best compliment I ever received. My son understood how much I loved him.🤷♀️. They one day get it. It’s a treasure in their hearts forever.
Hi Kate, i've been meaning to save for several episodes now..... i remember when you cut your hair: it has grown back so quickly, and looks really beautiful!
I enjoyed a long career in education and never really wanted to stay at home full time. I had long breaks with my kids and enjoyed my job. I also liked gardening, cooking, etc. When I hit my 50’s and the first grand baby came, I knew immediately that I wanted to quit my job and be an active part of his life. So I did. We paid off the house and all debt and now 3 grands later I am a Gigi who is home whenever the kids and grands need me. My husband loves having me here while he is still working for a few more years probably. I guess I did it all in reverse. And I still love dollhouses and Barbies. Valerie in SC
Don't feel you were trapped because you didn't have family, friends, support system around while Bali was at work. I had all of those around and no one ever helped LOL LOL My family was great at ignoring and de-valuing me when i needed help. A sister, a mother and a brother who supplied non-stop drama lol This went on for years. It's very exhausting. Therapists suggest to find a part time job outside the home in order to earn your own money and reclaim your self worth. Ya, easy for them to say. Homemaking is the invisible career with no pay. Homemakers are worth between 100k-150k per year. No one talks about that. It's a long road. My children are grown now and the ripple effect never fully disappeared, believe it or not. My 50's were better with a part time paying job. Be carefui not to fall into a caregiver role in your 60s and 70s....because that creeps up too. People may dislike me for saying this but i am afraid it's still true---It's a man's world. OMG i said it.
Good for you, and you are right on this topic. Our worth if you were to pay is is $135K to $150K a year. I did some research. We don't get the raises, bonuses, holidays that a worker gets. We don't always get acknowledged. And you are right, sometimes having family around is no help but lots of critics.
I don't totally agree it's a man's world and I don't totally agree women at home are worth $150K. There may be time at the pool, getting nails done, going to the gym, lunch with friends, etc. that you cannot do while in an office. On the flip side, you cannot put a value on security and emotional well being of raising upright citizens because just look at unstable homes.. I feel American women are ruling the roost now and have become very selfish (my adult sons agree). They don't want to get married and certainly having kids would curtail traveling to 30 countries by age 30. A land of narcissists created by Social Media. 18 year old boys didn't have a choice to get blown to bits in war, stand in 100 degree heat tarring a road, digging ditches. Women couldn't or wouldn't. Women can choose to stay home. Men at home are called bums. My dad worked in a mill - call it a furnace - for 36 years for little pay. Do you think he got acknowledged? Never complained, took all the hours he could get. Taught us incredible work ethic. What I am hearing are women who may regret they didn't further their education to work in a professional setting and may feel they need to justify their worth, but it was they who wanted to be home (I have done both - no difference in family except when you work outside, you have multiplied your responsibilities and greatly reduced the time to get them done which is stressful). I have always said, professional part time outside the home is the best of both worlds if you can find it. I agree with someone on here though that the ingratitude and complaining is normal in most households. Kids leave the house soon enough but can still get a rise out of us from afar...lol
I loved this video…as mom to an adult disabled child, I’ve stayed home for almost 40+ years to much criticism…take a minute to walk in my shoes I tell them…it’s not so easy…I’ve sacrificed for the well-being of my family…divorced the biggest critic and live a simple happy life…sorry if anyone outside my four walls doesn’t like that…my disabled child is thriving-she has an aide come in M-F for the mornings to “play” with, and I’m able to get out and run errands…and her squid-father comes to get her every Sunday when he’s “healthy” his word choice not mine…so Life is Good…gotta make your own happiness…
Good for you and your choice to put your adult child first!! I applaud you and it is NOT an easy job and you probably have sacrificed a lot. Keep sharing with us all how you do it emotionally and financially, there are many of us that need your advice and inspiration.
Most of this was me for many years. Being a sahm is the hardest job you'll ever love. My children are grown now, and of course they are extremely helpful. My (now late husband since 2009) used to be amazed at how I could run our home on a shoe string budget. Thankfully I did, and never had to go back to work even after he passed, leaving me to raise our children , and take care of everything. He took care of the investments and big savings and I took care of the day to day finances, but I always knew all of our finances. When he passed, I wondered what I was going to do. But then realized I had already been doing it for years. All I had to do different was to find a financial firm to manage the retirement accounts, which I did. Happy Thanksgiving everyone ! 🥰🍃🍂🍁💗✝🥰🍃🍂🍁💗✝
I have a grown kid, grandkids and teens at the house. One thing I learned is you've got to have your own life and interests separate from them. They grow up and live their own lives and you need to know who you are. You need to have an established hobby or life skill. You need to have things to plan and look forward to. I agree with setting boundaries with food. My kids are also rude about food and I'd like to say it shouldn't be allowed but it happens anyway. We serve a variety of good quality food and they always had a complaint. Now I'm like you - tell them to go make a sandwich or cook for themselves. One week I quit cooking and instead ate simple things like salad or sandwiches. They whined we didn't cook them real meals. I said, you mean the meals you complain about and don't eat anyway? Why waste my time? Sometimes they have to be taught appreciation and they learn that when we stop catering and hold them accountable. I agree to focus on your writing and filming and work in the rest. I also think you need to schedule down time in your day and a complete day off during the week. Maybe two! I do Flylady and she helps me budget my cleaning time and also gives time off.
Hi Kate! I appreciate all you are saying and have been there too I was going to say maybe start painting your nails again. I loved it when you would show all the crazy pretty colors you painted them. I have started doing the same again! Now that I am not gardening and weeding so much now. I had painted mine yesterday before I went with my husband to take our garbage and recycle to the center. (We don’t have pickup here and he usually just goes himself.) I remembered and I said “I am not going to haul or pickup anything because I just painted my nails!”… refreshing! I didn’t do it then intentionally I really didn’t, but it was kind of funny… Hi from SC.💕😊🏝️
Somehow you always show up with the most relatable words exactly at the perfect moment❤. Could never express my thanks for you being you. ❤️ You are such a gift to your biological family and your UA-cam family 🥰
I’ve been a married teen mom, married working mom, and then a working single mom. It’s all hard! I must say that when I was married and worked part time I felt like it was the best of both worlds as far as motherhood. I wish my adult daughters and their husbands for that matter could make a living working part time. Life is short.
You are preaching to the choir today. I became a sahm after working in corporate for 11 year. I was older, mid 30s when my kids were born. I loved being home especially when they were little. I didn't want them being raised by daycare. But staying home FT is much harder than working. You never get a break. And my family too did become unappreciative, about the time I was going thru menopause. Not a good combination. Something happens to women in their 50's. They get fed up with dealing with everyone else's crap. I started making changes. Doing things I wanted to do without kids or husband. No one in your family will tell you you are working too hard or doing to much. Taking care of your health becomes very important in your 50s. It is good to teach your kids to be independent and how to do some things around the house.
Double Amen! Lot's of good shares today. It's good to hear this for all of us who think only we are experiencing this alone. No, it's an epidemic, but curable.
Second comment to add I completely understand the health issues totally changing your attitude about things. Since my heart attack I’ve decided a lot of changes have to change because life is so precious you gotta be happy and my life is pretty happy but I’m deciding what I do and do not want to do anymore things like gardening I don’t enjoy itanymore, not in the Texas heat. So good for you you’ve got to figure out what’s important to you and sometimes getting smacked over the head with a health issue will absolutely make you reevaluate your life.
Girl, I hear all of this. I have been back to work full time for the better part of a year. I've paid off about 20k worth of debt, spent a little on myself and my goals, was able to replace our fridge, couch, water heater and wall heater... Guess what? I am still doing my best to homeschool four days a week and doing of most of the house work. I am only a tiny bit burnt out and pissed off... 🎉
Having my afternoon coffee with you❤ I only recently found your channel and I really love how you film and how REAL you are. I’m sketching as I listen and (watch) I quit my job 2 years ago and because my partner is able to support us financially I can follow my heart now. It’s never too late. I feel very blessed that I can do this now. (New revelation btw) I realize this isn’t possible for all. When I was working, I was able to have hours (very fortunate) to be home when kids were home from school. It felt like a lot and also like I wasn’t giving work or home my all. I was often very frustrated. Even now I feel some guilt that I can be home now. I’m working on it, I can film, journal, draw, do yoga do so many things for me now…..I must stop with the guilt. Listening to you talk this out is very helpful. Great research and mind shift! I have also claimed this title as artist! We got this…..keep going! My hope is that my channel can evolve into a place people want to hang out and have coffee with me too. I keep going. Lastly you are inspiring….lol I’ll stop now. Wordy Mc birdie here 😂
@@CoffeeWithKate4yes! Sometimes I have felt in the past that it was just me not being able to get myself motivated or, like you said, maybe age or the start of perimenopause. Only to realize that I was just getting burnt out. Just didn’t recognize the signs til it was too late. It’s important to talk about, to know we are not alone, and the true need to take care of oneself first! 💗
I read a funny comment somewhere. A guy said, his mother's menu consisted of "Take it or leave it." I'm single, 70 years old, my meals consist of simple fresh foods, prepared simply, no complex recipes. During winter, only takes about 15-20 mins to roast veggies and a piece of fish in the oven. In summer, meals are mostly salads and fresh fruits. I think women can get used to fullfilling all their children's needs, when they are infants and helpless. Even at a young age kids can definitely start learning to do a lot to help and become more self sufficient.
Parenting is a thankless job. I divorced when my boys were 14 and 16. Went to work full time in a stressful job. I got burnt out quickly. There was always a complaint about something. For dinner I would say that today it is something I like or your brother. Tomorrow will be something you like. When they complained about their favorite shirt wasn't clean, I made a change. They were to do their own laundry including beds and it must be folded and put away. They had to make their beds and keep their room picked up daily. They had to pick up and wash or put in the dishwasher every night after dinner. They had to cut the grass. It really changed things not only for me but I did not hear any complaining from them anymore about anything. As a matter of fact they starting thanking me for making dinner for them.
Hi Kate. Stay at home mom here for 23 years. I always had in mind raising 3 sons & a daughter- I am raising someone’s future husband or wife. Do I want to stick my future daughter in law with an entitled, lazy, ungrateful, husband? Or a lazy, ungrateful, entitled wife? I have always made it a priority to train my kids to do housework-the boys & the girls. They have been trained to speak appreciation for the meal served or the laundry folded- because they also have to do these tasks- especially as they get older. My husband supports me in not allowing disrespect of me- especially when the kids were younger. Truthfully though- I am the one who expected respect of ME- from my husband and my kids. I guess it’s a boundary issue? You teach them how you want to be treated. They then carry this on to their own eventual marriages and family.
In my first marriage I lived in Iran, and was a full time homemaker in very difficult circumstances…a war, the unsteady government just after the revolution… and the husband was gone a lot as an airline pilot. I learned to cook and to speak Persian… when I finally got out of there I lost custody because no one quite understood my fear that if I asked for divorce he would take them to Iran… which he did. I needed a LOT of self care. I got therapy, went back to school… became a lawyer, and got my children back. I have remarried to a lovely wonderful husband and I am mostly retired, doing more writing. I support your self care, even on a frugal budget, bath oil, good shampoo, face cream and makeup make life better for me. Appreciate yourself and express gratitude… teach those around you that if gratitude is expressed, it multiplies joy for everyone. Hugs!❤
You are a powerful and amazing woman. It must have been a very painful time being separated from your children and you went to school to educate yourself and get them back!! Wow. ❤️❤️❤️
I don’t know you but as a woman I am very proud of you
Your story reminds me so much of the movie 'Not Without My Daughter' with Sally Fields. American women have so many rights they don't realize or appreciate. Many Middle Eastern countries are patriarchal and in divorce, the father gets the kids, not the mother. Glad it worked out for you!
I’m starting a thing I’m calling Fabulous Fridays and I am allowing myself to take care of ME that day. Full time homemaker/homeschooler with a fledgling marketing business. But I want to allow Friday to be free and practice self care. I have a pop up sauna tent I bought a few years back, do an exercise video on UA-cam, I spent a little this month (frugal guilt..but) on some skincare and haircare and I’m going to take a few hours for ME. I so get what you say about burnout and things become expected. I love being a homemaker now .. but I am learning to carve out some time for me and what I love. Otherwise I’ll crash one of these days. I love your videos. You’re like the friend I wish I had IRL. 😅
Oh, boy!!! It's like you're in my house, Kate!🤣 What you're describing is exactly what I've gone through. It has little to do with parenting. It has to do with normal human behaviour and normal stages of childhood development. I'm convinced! We all think the grass is greener in someone else's house. Why wouldn't our kids say, "your cooking is terrible", "why can't we have this?" Why wouldn't our families not appreciate all our hard work? Corporate North America doesn't appreciate it's workers. Human nature.
And I'll tell you something none of you want to hear...IT GETS WORSE.
My kids are adults. 3 teens and 2 became adults during lockdown. All desperately wanting to become independent when the cost of living is too high to move out!
Once they get girlfriends, boyfriends...the volume on "everything you've ever done as a parent is wrong" goes WAY up. It will destroy you unless you have been proactive in having a life outside of your role as "homemaker", "wife", "mother". Your children WILL hopefully, leave home one day. You've done your job well if they become independent adults. I only have 1 of 3 still at home. It's been a tough journey with lots of ingratitude. And they WILL come around again, once they've "seen the greener grass that's not so green".
You MUST have an identity outside of just homemaking! However... doesn't mean you have a tantrum and go "on strike". You're just modelling what they will turn around & do back to you. Make small changes and shifts slowwwwwwly. I only make breakfast for hubby on weekends, now. I get my nails done every month now. I volunteer at 3 things now, that I love. I STILL cook from scratch. Make a healthy supper every night and a big pot of soup for a week's lunches. That's it. Take a deep breath. God is with us in it all.🇨🇦♥️
We definitely need to have our own life, hobbies, interest.
i could write a book about what you have said....i was in such a hole it was frightening. No one supported me in my dilemma. I was told to see therapists. It's ugly. The homemaker is in an invisible role that plays right into blame. It's very sad. Therapists tell the woman to get an outside paying job, at least they did in my case. I was surrounded in childhood by narcissists and that didn't help matters either, as many know, they do not change.
@@Jendromeda I agree with you that homemakers are an easy scapegoat...partly because there are few witnesses to their work. But, honestly, I think moms who work full-time out of the home also get blamed. I think dads get blamed. I really think it's a normal part of childhood development to challenge and wrestle with the ways in which one was raised. It's part of slowly separating from the parents and asserting individuality.
The real challenge, as parents, is to objectively recognize it as a normal part of development and DO. NOT. take it personally. You are not a bad mother. You are not a bad homemaker. No one is perfect. Each mother operates from her own strengths & weaknesses. We do our best with what we have. Maybe, having a really abusive mother leads some of us to think, "well, if I'm not a perfect mom, perfect homemaker, I must be in the same category as my abusive mother." NOT SO. That all-or-nothing thinking is false.
The person who needs to stop blaming you for being a "bad mom" is YOU! That's what I've learned after many tears. I needed to stop that internal dialogue. I LOVE a clean house...for ME. I LOVE healthy, home cooking.....for ME. I have kept what I love and learning to take care of me beyond homemaking, as well. We don't need to be a "victim" in the difficult stages of homemaking. Things WILL get better. They always do.♥️
@@Jendromeda I'm sorry you had to go through this.
I think for me the struggle is that I'm always at work, I never leave my work. I have a hard time finding balance as a Homemaker between duty and keeping the home the way and I want it and relaxing and enjoying my home.
I think as mothers we are always thinking about our family. The family gets so used to you leaving your self last that they stop thinking of your needs .
Sorry Kate haven’t done one of my long comments in years ! But here goes !!
I’ve been very lucky I’ve been married 43 years and my husband has always supported me doing things for myself, even when we had four kids at home. I also don’t remember my kids ever complaining about things I did , except one time our oldest son got mad at me for not doing laundry when he was 13 , my husband walked him out to show him the washer and dryer showed him how to use it and said he wasn’t allowed to ask me to do laundry anymore but of course I would if he asked nice but he learned a lesson that day. He did do his laundry most of the time on his own after that.
When the kids were young I had to do more housework and I had no choice because he worked and we had four kids that were small and needed me to do the things I needed to do, but I still managed to do some things for myself, things that made me happy. I’ve always read , made jewelry and crafts, did writing in notebooks and eventually on a blog once we had Internet because , remember back then there was no Internet until our oldest was 16, well at least that’s when we got Internet! Now these days, I have a UA-cam channel that I do craft and jewelry tutorials on and I still blog !
Sometimes , especially as the older kids started getting their own lives, housework wouldn’t get done as well as it should , never horrible, but sometimes a little behind on laundry and maybe the dishes would sit in the sink for the day before I would get them cleaned, although the kids did have chores as they got older and had to help, and he never complained when things got a bit behind . Now that he’s retired he’s taken on a lot of the house work to help me out . He encourages me to do the things I enjoy doing which lately have been more reselling on eBay which I’ve done for 20 years, making videos for my channel, and doing some crafts and jewelry still. I had open heart surgery in September and he had to take over everything for around eight weeks but the last two weeks I’ve been able to start helping him a lot more.
I think if you always ask for your time and you started at the beginning finding things you love to do and find time for them, that will be the expectation in the family and relationship. Of course my husband on his days off could do things he wanted to do as well. Although for him spending time with the kids and me were what he wanted to do . Now that he’s retired , he has time to do some of his hobbies and interest as well. I think at the beginning of a relationship and marriage you just have to put your boundaries out there and it never was an issue for us we just naturally did this. But it is very easy to get burned out and when the kids were little I had times like that too. It’s just unavoidable as little kids need a lot of attention and are a lot of work. Of course back then I didn’t do as much for me but I read a lot back then , I did crochet and did things that were easy to pick up and put down as kids need your attention and interrupt you a lot.
But I do think women need to find a side interest something that makes them happy whatever that is to keep feeding their soul while they’re helping their family and doing all the things that we have to do to keep a home going. I think the problem is a lot of people don’t know what they want to do and that can be the problem. I have a couple friends that have no hobbies or interest at all and their kids are grown and they’re bored because they never cultivated hobbies and when they were younger. So find something you love to do when you’re younger and you can always grow from there and find other things you enjoy doing. But it is important to keep you from completely burning out. Also making the family help you the kids as they get older can do things to help you out then they appreciate more how a house runs! That’s just my two cents but that’s what worked for us and 43 years were still thriving and happy even though we’re empty nesters now nothings changed we support each other and have fun doing what we love to do both together and our own individual interest.
This was a wonderful share, thank you and I'm glad to hear you are recovering after the heart attack. Keep sharing!
I’m really enjoying your videos lately. I’ve always enjoyed the earlier ones but you’ve stepped up your game and I appreciate that you speak from your heart. It’s like having a conversation with a friend. Keep up the amazing content, Kate!
I appreciate that!❤️🍿
I will always be thankful for you! And I hear you!! I truly hear you..
Thank you, IdaMay, you’ve been here for a long time hearing me talk.❤️
@ I sure have! Longer than you might think.. I changed my handle a couple of years ago but I’ve been here since the old blue house, tiny kids, and so so many changes! I’m your age, had children older and have so many of the same struggles.. We may not have all of the same thoughts and views on life but you’re my friend you never knew you had😂 Keep being you! You’re so loved and needed by so many.
I don’t think anyone is ever truly appreciated until they are gone or not taking care of things anymore. I look back on my grandmother and all of the things she did for the family and all of us grandchildren. Do you think any of us knew to thank her? Of course not. But she knew and I know now that some day my children and grandchildren will look back and say We had the best mother/grandmother ever. I cherish my memories and I think granny was wise enough to know this would be the case. You can’t truly appreciate what you have until you see someone else doesn’t have it so well. I remember my young son coming home from a friends one time and saying to me. You are not like other mothers. I asked him what he meant. I had just asked him if I could cook him some breakfast, he said his friends little 5 year old brother had to find his own food to eat ( mother too lazy to cook it for him), my son said when he stayed there he would cook for his friends little brother and help him figure out what to eat. I think that was the best compliment I ever received. My son understood how much I loved him.🤷♀️. They one day get it. It’s a treasure in their hearts forever.
That's so sad about the five year old. Children need to be nurtured, it makes them more solid people in the future.
Hi Kate, i've been meaning to save for several episodes now..... i remember when you cut your hair: it has grown back so quickly, and looks really beautiful!
This is your realest, best talk yet! Thank you Kate.
Thank you. I’m getting more real every day on here.
I enjoyed a long career in education and never really wanted to stay at home full time. I had long breaks with my kids and enjoyed my job. I also liked gardening, cooking, etc. When I hit my 50’s and the first grand baby came, I knew immediately that I wanted to quit my job and be an active part of his life. So I did. We paid off the house and all debt and now 3 grands later I am a Gigi who is home whenever the kids and grands need me. My husband loves having me here while he is still working for a few more years probably. I guess I did it all in reverse. And I still love dollhouses and Barbies.
Valerie in SC
Lol, you have a good life!
Don't feel you were trapped because you didn't have family, friends, support system around while Bali was at work. I had all of those around and no one ever helped LOL LOL My family was great at ignoring and de-valuing me when i needed help. A sister, a mother and a brother who supplied non-stop drama lol This went on for years. It's very exhausting. Therapists suggest to find a part time job outside the home in order to earn your own money and reclaim your self worth. Ya, easy for them to say. Homemaking is the invisible career with no pay. Homemakers are worth between 100k-150k per year. No one talks about that. It's a long road. My children are grown now and the ripple effect never fully disappeared, believe it or not. My 50's were better with a part time paying job. Be carefui not to fall into a caregiver role in your 60s and 70s....because that creeps up too. People may dislike me for saying this but i am afraid it's still true---It's a man's world. OMG i said it.
Good for you, and you are right on this topic. Our worth if you were to pay is is $135K to $150K a year. I did some research. We don't get the raises, bonuses, holidays that a worker gets. We don't always get acknowledged. And you are right, sometimes having family around is no help but lots of critics.
I don't totally agree it's a man's world and I don't totally agree women at home are worth $150K. There may be time at the pool, getting nails done, going to the gym, lunch with friends, etc. that you cannot do while in an office. On the flip side, you cannot put a value on security and emotional well being of raising upright citizens because just look at unstable homes.. I feel American women are ruling the roost now and have become very selfish (my adult sons agree). They don't want to get married and certainly having kids would curtail traveling to 30 countries by age 30. A land of narcissists created by Social Media. 18 year old boys didn't have a choice to get blown to bits in war, stand in 100 degree heat tarring a road, digging ditches. Women couldn't or wouldn't. Women can choose to stay home. Men at home are called bums. My dad worked in a mill - call it a furnace - for 36 years for little pay. Do you think he got acknowledged? Never complained, took all the hours he could get. Taught us incredible work ethic. What I am hearing are women who may regret they didn't further their education to work in a professional setting and may feel they need to justify their worth, but it was they who wanted to be home (I have done both - no difference in family except when you work outside, you have multiplied your responsibilities and greatly reduced the time to get them done which is stressful). I have always said, professional part time outside the home is the best of both worlds if you can find it. I agree with someone on here though that the ingratitude and complaining is normal in most households. Kids leave the house soon enough but can still get a rise out of us from afar...lol
I loved this video…as mom to an adult disabled child, I’ve stayed home for almost 40+ years to much criticism…take a minute to walk in my shoes I tell them…it’s not so easy…I’ve sacrificed for the well-being of my family…divorced the biggest critic and live a simple happy life…sorry if anyone outside my four walls doesn’t like that…my disabled child is thriving-she has an aide come in M-F for the mornings to “play” with, and I’m able to get out and run errands…and her squid-father comes to get her every Sunday when he’s “healthy” his word choice not mine…so Life is Good…gotta make your own happiness…
Good for you and your choice to put your adult child first!! I applaud you and it is NOT an easy job and you probably have sacrificed a lot. Keep sharing with us all how you do it emotionally and financially, there are many of us that need your advice and inspiration.
I don't know you , of course, but I'm so proud of you ! Happy Thanksgiving to you and your daughter. 🥰🍃🍂🍁💗✝
Most of this was me for many years. Being a sahm is the hardest job you'll ever love. My children are grown now, and of course they are extremely helpful. My (now late husband since 2009) used to be amazed at how I could run our home on a shoe string budget. Thankfully I did, and never had to go back to work even after he passed, leaving me to raise our children , and take care of everything. He took care of the investments and big savings and I took care of the day to day finances, but I always knew all of our finances. When he passed, I wondered what I was going to do. But then realized I had already been doing it for years. All I had to do different was to find a financial firm to manage the retirement accounts, which I did. Happy Thanksgiving everyone ! 🥰🍃🍂🍁💗✝🥰🍃🍂🍁💗✝
I have a grown kid, grandkids and teens at the house. One thing I learned is you've got to have your own life and interests separate from them. They grow up and live their own lives and you need to know who you are. You need to have an established hobby or life skill. You need to have things to plan and look forward to. I agree with setting boundaries with food. My kids are also rude about food and I'd like to say it shouldn't be allowed but it happens anyway. We serve a variety of good quality food and they always had a complaint. Now I'm like you - tell them to go make a sandwich or cook for themselves. One week I quit cooking and instead ate simple things like salad or sandwiches. They whined we didn't cook them real meals. I said, you mean the meals you complain about and don't eat anyway? Why waste my time? Sometimes they have to be taught appreciation and they learn that when we stop catering and hold them accountable. I agree to focus on your writing and filming and work in the rest. I also think you need to schedule down time in your day and a complete day off during the week. Maybe two! I do Flylady and she helps me budget my cleaning time and also gives time off.
Hi Kate! I appreciate all you are saying and have been there too
I was going to say maybe start painting your nails again. I loved it when you would show all the crazy pretty colors you painted them. I have started doing the same again! Now that I am not gardening and weeding so much now.
I had painted mine yesterday before I went with my husband to take our garbage and recycle to the center. (We don’t have pickup here and he usually just goes himself.)
I remembered and I said “I am not going to haul or pickup anything because I just painted my nails!”… refreshing!
I didn’t do it then intentionally I really didn’t, but it was kind of funny…
Hi from SC.💕😊🏝️
Somehow you always show up with the most relatable words exactly at the perfect moment❤. Could never express my thanks for you being you. ❤️ You are such a gift to your biological family and your UA-cam family 🥰
Yay! I will treasure these words! You all are a gift to me as well and keep me going and inspired, I hope you know that.
Life is magical. Change your thoughts and you can change your life.😊
Absolutely!
I’ve been a married teen mom, married working mom, and then a working single mom. It’s all hard! I must say that when I was married and worked part time I felt like it was the best of both worlds as far as motherhood. I wish my adult daughters and their husbands for that matter could make a living working part time. Life is short.
You are preaching to the choir today. I became a sahm after working in corporate for 11 year. I was older, mid 30s when my kids were born. I loved being home especially when they were little. I didn't want them being raised by daycare. But staying home FT is much harder than working. You never get a break. And my family too did become unappreciative, about the time I was going thru menopause. Not a good combination. Something happens to women in their 50's. They get fed up with dealing with everyone else's crap. I started making changes. Doing things I wanted to do without kids or husband. No one in your family will tell you you are working too hard or doing to much. Taking care of your health becomes very important in your 50s. It is good to teach your kids to be independent and how to do some things around the house.
Double Amen! Lot's of good shares today. It's good to hear this for all of us who think only we are experiencing this alone. No, it's an epidemic, but curable.
Second comment to add I completely understand the health issues totally changing your attitude about things. Since my heart attack I’ve decided a lot of changes have to change because life is so precious you gotta be happy and my life is pretty happy but I’m deciding what I do and do not want to do anymore things like gardening I don’t enjoy itanymore, not in the Texas heat. So good for you you’ve got to figure out what’s important to you and sometimes getting smacked over the head with a health issue will absolutely make you reevaluate your life.
Girl, I hear all of this. I have been back to work full time for the better part of a year. I've paid off about 20k worth of debt, spent a little on myself and my goals, was able to replace our fridge, couch, water heater and wall heater... Guess what? I am still doing my best to homeschool four days a week and doing of most of the house work. I am only a tiny bit burnt out and pissed off... 🎉
Having my afternoon coffee with you❤ I only recently found your channel and I really love how you film and how REAL you are.
I’m sketching as I listen and (watch) I quit my job 2 years ago and because my partner is able to support us financially I can follow my heart now. It’s never too late. I feel very blessed that I can do this now. (New revelation btw) I realize this isn’t possible for all. When I was working, I was able to have hours (very fortunate) to be home when kids were home from school. It felt like a lot and also like I wasn’t giving work or home my all. I was often very frustrated.
Even now I feel some guilt that I can be home now.
I’m working on it, I can film, journal, draw, do yoga do so many things for me now…..I must stop with the guilt.
Listening to you talk this out is very helpful. Great research and mind shift!
I have also claimed this title as artist! We got this…..keep going! My hope is that my channel can evolve into a place people want to hang out and have coffee with me too. I keep going.
Lastly you are inspiring….lol I’ll stop now. Wordy Mc birdie here 😂
I'm happy for you and yes, get rid of the guilt! Thank you for the compliments, we all need to hear feedback. Just keep filming and having fun!
I feel like you could write a whole book on this subject. I would read it! 😉
We probably could. I did make another video in a couple days expanding on the topic. It needs exploring. You agree?
@@CoffeeWithKate4yes! Sometimes I have felt in the past that it was just me not being able to get myself motivated or, like you said, maybe age or the start of perimenopause. Only to realize that I was just getting burnt out. Just didn’t recognize the signs til it was too late. It’s important to talk about, to know we are not alone, and the true need to take care of oneself first! 💗
I read a funny comment somewhere. A guy said, his mother's menu consisted of "Take it or leave it." I'm single, 70 years old, my meals consist of simple fresh foods, prepared simply, no complex recipes. During winter, only takes about 15-20 mins to roast veggies and a piece of fish in the oven. In summer, meals are mostly salads and fresh fruits.
I think women can get used to fullfilling all their children's needs, when they are infants and helpless. Even at a young age kids can definitely start learning to do a lot to help and become more self sufficient.
I never had any family support either and couldn’t trust anyone with my kids
Thank you great 📹 video love ya kate
AMEN!. xo
P.S. Love the lamp.
Good morning ❤
Good morning!☀️
Your hair looks very good like that.
Thank you so much
Parenting is a thankless job. I divorced when my boys were 14 and 16. Went to work full time in a stressful job. I got burnt out quickly. There was always a complaint about something. For dinner I would say that today it is something I like or your brother. Tomorrow will be something you like. When they complained about their favorite shirt wasn't clean, I made a change. They were to do their own laundry including beds and it must be folded and put away. They had to make their beds and keep their room picked up daily. They had to pick up and wash or put in the dishwasher every night after dinner. They had to cut the grass. It really changed things not only for me but I did not hear any complaining from them anymore about anything. As a matter of fact they starting thanking me for making dinner for them.
Good share and advice! My kids have lots of chores now and they are much more agreeable and grateful for all the little things.
Hi Kate. Stay at home mom here for 23 years. I always had in mind raising 3 sons & a daughter- I am raising someone’s future husband or wife. Do I want to stick my future daughter in law with an entitled, lazy, ungrateful, husband? Or a lazy, ungrateful, entitled wife? I have always made it a priority to train my kids to do housework-the boys & the girls. They have been trained to speak appreciation for the meal served or the laundry folded- because they also have to do these tasks- especially as they get older. My husband supports me in not allowing disrespect of me- especially when the kids were younger. Truthfully though- I am the one who expected respect of ME- from my husband and my kids. I guess it’s a boundary issue? You teach them how you want to be treated. They then carry this on to their own eventual marriages and family.
Great share!
I used to call myself moms taxi