The Witchfinder General Gives Relationship Advice
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
- The Witchfinder General of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay in New-England delivers several Prestigious Judgments on poor souls asking advice on a Sub-Reddit called r/relationships, drawing from the Word of God, and the Puritan Laws of the Commonwealth.
"What's up with the weird accent?" It's a rendition of Original Early Modern English Pronunciation, commonly abbreviated as OP, an accent reconstructed by a linguist and Shakespeare scholar that's our best guess as to what people in southern England sounded like in the 17th century.
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I shall deliver this comment unto the magistrate in the shire in which I dwell.
In the shire in which you dwell
And, I hazard, someone shall surely and justly be put to death because of it, or perhaps you only get to occasion a fine, oh well, Amen.
This comment hath been deemed innocent and thuf shall be alieved of instant death
@Max Alfonso, I shall deliver thee unto the magistrate in the shire in which you dwell.
It’s funny because as someone living in rural England this is a totally normal thing to say
I love how many of these relationship questions are answered with "have them executed." 🤣🤣
Only if the court sees fit
@@PCDelorian specifically the court of the shire in which you dwell, after handing them over to the Magistrate of the court in the shire in which you dwell
As per Biblical/Mosaic Law
Thats always my answer when someone asks for relationship advice.
I once heard that the Puritan solution to the excessive amount of premarital sex was a series of shotgun weddings, Witchfinder General paints that term in a little bit different light now...
accent was incredible, props for the accuracy
Thanks! Definitely a work in progress. I'll keep practicing OP in preparation for the Witchfinder General's return...
I second this strongly, the west country twang prevalent in most of the New England colonist's speech is about as slippery slope as such things get. It's a very fine line between capturing it accurately and sounding like a overblown cartoon pirate or a damn hobbit. Keep up the work!
@@AtunSheiFilms So, it was the English who introduced the English language to the Irish, but never forced the great vowel shift, reserved pronunciation etc. on the Irish? And that's why Irish people sound like 17th century English people?
What accent was this supposed to be?
@@abhinayamarykoshy1264 sounds like a west country accent.. think Somerset. although, I thought the puritans came from the East
How many times did you practice “Thou shalt deliver them to the Magistrate in the shire in which ye dwell” until you could say it without laughing?
It is not possible.
@@AttacianLaughter is Sinful. The Witchfinder General does not sin, he is a godly man.
All hail the Witchfinder General Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery!
Also I love how many tones “Thou shalt deliver them to the Magistrate in the shire in which ye dwell”
Oscar Wind the “Wicked Bible” - super rare book because they destroyed most of them
It's the eleventh commandment.
Adultery Pulcifer?
@@obliviousotterI I understood that reference.
This hat belonged to witchfinder major « Thou-shalt-not-commit-adultery Pulsifer »
I like how the VVitchfinder General ignores the fact that the dude himself was on a gay app
Yes. He nailed the bigotted double standard perfectly, methinks.
also thou shall be delivered to the magistrate of the shire in which you dwell for summary judgment....
I think he missed that connection because "Coming Out" only started to mean "Publicly living as a homosexual" in modern times. It's the same reason why when he hears "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" he assumes they're formally betrothed - casual dating would be alien to Puritan culture.
I think it's interesting how long that one stupid verse has been misread. It used to be about pederasty and not homosexuality but bigots wanna be cunts
@@catnerdadrian7601 people also don't seem to acknowledge the common knowledge that the books of the Bible were written by numerous different people and each of them would obviously have different goals and interpretations. My problem is the people who attend my church have a difficulty with things such as abstract concepts and perspective because that's literally all christainity is about apparently, following everything to a T. Also at 5:13 I will personally suggest you just sit around and not do anything because no matter how hard he tries and what rituals he preforms, neither bezelbub or baphomet or Lucifer are coming out of that pentagram. That's another thing I don't get about my fellow Christians is this whole satanic Wiccan thing. They claim they don't believe in it, so if they think it's fake why do they spend all their time and effort trying to stop it?
@@jamestown8398 : True, but then how does he know what ‘gay dating app’ means? ‘Thy sister is betrothèd to one who is joyful and carefree with calendars? And why should that concern thee? So long as they remember the Sabbath, and celebrate not the wicked and ungodly festival of Christmas, I see nothing amiss.’
My father was the magistrate in the shire in which we dwelt, and once I opened the oldest book of case law in his office. I read that in 1804 a man stole a sheep, for what purpose was not noted. He was flogged, branded, imprisoned, and then charged for the cost of flogging, branding, and imprisonment. An improvement over instant death, I suppose. Great OP accent, great relationship advice.
Charging for the cost of imprisonment is making a comeback: www.acluohio.org/in-jail-in-debt
@@tobybartels8426 Aw dangit
Yes, we would all laugh at mealtime in jail about "how much did they say you owed for the last time?".
Can I be evicted or refused lodgings for non-payment of "room and board...like, please???
People: *Look for relationship advice*
The Witchfinder General: "So you have chosen... death."
I showed this to my good wife. She laughed at your righteous judgement. She doesn't obey her husband or the word of God.
I tried to take her to my local magistrate in the shire in which I dwell for God's rightful punishment.
And yet I was almost charged with domestic abuse from this so called court.
I humbly petition thou for your judgement in this case and hope the lord will be merciful on my Godless wife.
Move out of Rhode Island
@@devams1How do you know he lives in Rhode Island???
Where else would such a godless woman, dwell??!! @@striderpup1169
@@striderpup1169 don't ask questions
@@striderpup1169 it's most likely a joke
WHY do you not have more views? Discovered this channel over some "Checkmate Lincolnites" and cannot stop watching. Seems damned unfair that you have so few views and certain other channels in this genre put far less effort in for so much more reward.
Seriously how does this man have only thousands of views unless he's shitting on traitors
Thou art a wretch'd ſinner, utterly unworthy o' God's love.
A fountain o' polucion is deep within thy nature, and thou liveſt as a winter tree, unprofitable, fit only to be hewn'd down and burn'd. Steep thy life in prayer, and hope that God ſees fit to ſhew mercy on thy corrupt'd soul.
I think I'm going to start answering my phone with this.
@@jesseberg3271
Great idea for telemarketers!
Props for realizing the old style S is in fact not an f
Oh shit they don’t even have the long S as an option on IOS keyboards. They have the ß (s-zet) from German but not the long s from English? Well, guess they don’t have ash or thorn either. Hmmm
Also, long-s was for internal use in a word only, iirc, so it should be sees and shewn. More boring that way tho so I gets it
I shared this with a friend, who shared it with her mother....
I fear what I may have unleashed, and may need to be delivered to magistrate of the shire in which I dwell for summary judgement...
Thou who causes the sin of sloth shall be severely punished, ye should direct yourself to the magistrate of the court in the shire in which he dwell for summary punishment
Person: "My girlfriend lied about eating the last cookie"
This bro: *"INSTANT DEATH!!"*
Nay, the proper punishment is fine of 10 shillings for lying
@@shanestevens5352 if not able to pay she shall be whipped upon her naked body, Ten strikes
But first you must deliver her to the Magistrate of shire in which ye dwell
@@MrAwsomenoob So, what is the punishment if it turns out she's into that kinda thing?
@@weldonwin For ſuch a grave act of perverſion, you muſt get hold of her and deliver her unto the magiſtrate of the court in the ſhire in which you dwell, where ſhe will ſurely be put to inſtant death.
I love how this character starts out so dour and somber and just gets progressively more unhinged with every episode
*10 Shillings!?*
Sounds like Puritan anti smoking laws are in effect again.
Eh, that's only £0.50.
@@tobybartels8426 Eh, unskilled labourers in the Late Middle Ages were paid 1 Penny a day. How did they manage to survive?
In 1800, $5 gave you the same purchasing power of $100 in 2020.
Famous Dutch Privateer Piet Hein captured the Spanish treasurefleet in 1628, taking almost 12 million Guilders for the Dutch Republic.
The money funded the Dutch army for eight months (and as a direct consequence, allowing it to capture the fortress 's-Hertogenbosch), and the shareholders enjoyed a cash dividend of 50% for that year.
@@AudieHolland : Not very well, that's how! But yes, I know, inflation, and the replacement of precious metals with fiat currency. But my only reference for witchfinders' monetary practices is _Good Omens_ (the book), and the Witchfinder Army there continued to be paid at the old rates[*] into the 20th century (requiring some creative accounting to keep the operation afloat).
[*] That book also taught me the pre-decimalization currency system too.
@@tobybartels8426 It's not just the inflation, it's also the actual goods and services that you could pay for with that money at that time. In my example: 12 million Guilders doesn't sound like my much, but the Dutch Republic was able to fund their War of Independence for 8 months.
And of course, actual money was a lot scarcer for commoners in those days. Merchants and officials, no problem. But peasants and such would not have many actual coins I guess.
Sorry to say I haven't read "Good Omens." Though I have read most of the books concerning the 'Night Watch.'
If more knew about the naked whipping laws they might pretend not to have 10 shillings.
Nobody:
The VVitchfinder General of the Colony of Maſsachuſetts Bay: Deliver them to the magiſtrate of the court of the ſhire in vvhich you dvvell, vvhere they vvill be put to inſtant death
I adore this please do more!!
There will be more for sure.
@@AtunSheiFilms we're waiting.gif
Me: "My relationship is struggling."
WMG: "Kill them."
Me: "That seems a bit extreme."
WMG: "Murder!"
The 17 paple who disloiked this 'ere vidyo must thusly deliver themselves to the magistrate of the court in the shoire in which they dwell.
Nice accent transcription.
Person: has relationship issues
Witchfinder General: DEATH
I'm from the UK and my grandmother was flogged in school because it was law that any child who spoke the native language of Wales (Cymraeg - Welsh) would be flogged at the end of the school day.
Don't feel embarrassed about ridiculously brutal laws of your ancestors, just be thankful that they are no longer enforced. Iechyd da - To good health/Cheers
That's horrific. It will color my opinion on the UK for sure
Hold up! 3:35
Even the Colony of Massachusetts had sensible smoking laws?! They couldn't smoke in or near homes. Buildings were all made of wood back then, it makes so much sense.
Even in the olden times, people knew that a habit that can burn down a building is dangerous
Oscar performance
As soon as the wiccan one popped up i couldnt stop laughing
Call me a puritan, but come on. He must really like the smell of burning skin.
@@thefrenchareharlequins2743 Witches were hung, not burned, in Massachusetts Bay. Hanging is less painful, in most cases.
I seeth t as fair yond i shouldst leaveth the mistress, as the lady clearly shalt beest did touch by the Flibbertigibbet, much liketh h'r broth'r
I was immediately like "ahhh yes, I know exactly what kinda person the dude who wrote that one is".
@@burninsherman1037 I'm a bit confused would you mind explaining?
0:50 did this man just say 15 YEAR OLD girlfriends house. That’s what is called a case my guy
Not according to the laws of this colony.
Yeah I too was thinking that, too much age difference it's not ok
I honestly really like the emphasis on 'The court in the shire in which ye dwell' part. Even with how fucked up some of the laws are, the focus on local courts and due process still shines through the centuries and is honestly much better of a situation than a lot of other places in the 16/1700s.
VVitch Finder : says outrageously outdated laws and customs
Me: no no he’s got a point
Like the smoking one is being slowly reinvented though for some different reasons.
Everybody gangsta til the witchfinder General starts speaking facts
I love you Atun-Shei, but do try to avoid using "thusly" as at 1:42. It's an ugly colloquial bastardization of the word "thus" (which is already an adverb, rendering the "ly" superfluous) whose usage wasn't recorded prior to 1865.
I sent this to my girlfriend saying it would help our relationship. She said she doesn't feel that the advice is applicable to our situation. Should I report her to the magistrate of the shire within which I reside?
This is ingenious, and your sub count is criminally low. I have subscribed, and reported this offensive neglect perpetrated against this channel unto the local magistrate in the court of the shire in which I dwell.
A good example why people in England and the Netherlands didn't like the Puritans. They kept trying to do stuff like this.
Legit
The Anglicans of England are heathens and the People of the United Provinces are a worldly people.
If that was the cause of complaint by the English or Dutch, then their complaint would be of excessive mildness and the coddling of offenders. Just hanging tbe worst malefactors was excessive lenity: witches and heretics would be burned, stripes did not stop at forty and only twelve crimes, not two hundred, carried the death penalty. Also, there was no breaking on the wheel.
This is pure video gold !! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. And that voice reading the questions is right on ! Lmao
Love yah work mate
Cheers! Thanks for watching!
You're really giving the magistrate a lot of work.
Its almost as if the Witchfinder General receives a commission per arrest...
Ya know, we're all laughing an all, but there are literally millions of people who would love to return to the dark ages. The point of this parody is really a very serious warning.
Eyes wide shut
Thanks Alexander Hamilton
Yes, like the reconstructionists who follow the teachings of R.J. Rushdoony. They want to bring back Old Testament law.
And that has never backfired in the past... oh wait
Certainly a lot of them out nowadays seeking to apply this type of retribution on those who do not wish to wear a mask or take a vaccine......
WE NEED MORE WITCHFINDER GENERAL
Thou needest to spend more time in quiet contemplation of the suffering of our Lord..
Great work in terms of the late Great Vowel Shift pronunciation, you've got it near spot on for the mid/late 17th century. I actually looked up the evolution of of the vowel in "music" to try and catch you out, because I'm the kind of dickhead who likes to write nitpicky comments, but you got it spot on. 1600 it would have been /miu:sɪk/ but by 1700 it was /mju:sɪk/ so the one you used was fair. You didn't use the /j/ at all in "duties" but that is plausible, as yod-dropping is quite common, and not necessarily consistent
I often think it is surprising how similar British and North American accents remained up until the 19th century, we were both evolving in the same direction for quite a long time. It's quite different for how things went with Spanish.
Okay, the Spanish thing is interesting. Essentially, there were 2 S sounds at one point (actually like there are in Basque), s̥ and s̪. In most of / the north of Spain, one of them (I always forget which) shifted to θ (TH) to better distinguish them, while in the south, people just gave up and merged them into s. You get one guess where all the expeditions to the New World left from to seed Latin American Spanish dialects
As a self-proclaim'd 'dicke head', t'would be fitting thus that ye deliver thine proud and most pernicious felf to the courte of the magistraite in the fhire in vvich ye live.
There hence ye fhall make ammendments and denounce ye wick'd nature, or else be fwiftly put t'death.
I shall deliver this video unto the magistrate of the current shire at which I dwell so that I may be put to death for witchcraft of using a magical device
That accent cracks me up! I'm British, I know people who sound like this.
Do they also deliver folks to the magistrate of the shire they dwell for summary judgment?
He's a mix of Belfast and Norfolk
Although I approve of the general use of the stocks, I think you should make more liberal use of the nags bridle. Quite a useful tool for the correction a willful or gossipy woman.
(Sarcasm of course).
wow i didn't know this was a thing.
Isn't it a horrid thing?
ua-cam.com/video/a6B9euzxXr0/v-deo.html
I think the VVitchfinder General is my favorite youTuber, now.
Love it! Such good relationship advice :) thou art a godly man.
I really need to get to know the magistrate in the court in the shire in which I dwell.
I am the magistrate.
Baby: da- da-
Father: omg he's saying dad
Baby: da- deliver them unto the magistrate in the shire in which they dwell
Helluva baby, that one. ☝️🤣👍
who's coming to get coming to take you away find you guilty witch woman because I'm the witch finder general
Why is he so attractive?
He can deliver me to the magistrate of the court of the shire in which I dwell if you catch my drift
Dude makes his girlfriend walk out to the edge of his property to smoke, wonders why she doesn't want to immediately come crawling into bed on his couch with him.
We laugh, but there are many parts of the Islamic world still like this.
Many parts of the Christian world want to be like this and would be if they could
This man gives me warm fuzzy feelings. Makes me wanna hug him. But I am a wretched sinner.
I must deliver you to the magistrate in the shire in which i dwell.
Farnicayseeun is most verily against the laws o’ GOD. Ye’ll be delivered forthwith to the magistrate in the shire in which ye dwell for sooch wickedness.
For the godly and righteous and, claim to be not money worshiping papists thou surely have plenty of fines.
4:59
List of people burned as heretics
This list is incomplete
You can help by EXPANDING IT
This guy is a real sunshine compared to my actual relationship advisor...
Thou art a most dismal husband, and brought it upon thyself.
0:49 DUDE. 18 y/o with a 15 y/o?!? Wtf
Finally, a true Christian in this modern age of sin
Is it bad that I want to be friends with this guy?
I got Durex ad before wathing this🤣
"Thou art infected by the gravest sin of pride women. Thy husband is a godly man. Obey him in all things. and preform thy wifely duties without complaint lest ye answer to god for it."
HEAR HEAR!
Oh please more witch finder general. Relationship advice or whatever, just more please.
Best I’ve ever seen Original Pronunciation used, brilliant
I'm no religious man... but I can NOT argue with the knowledge ye hath spoken.
The perfect blend of comedy and education
Nicely done. Good accuracy and the set and props look better than most use. The no music was a great touch.
The Witchfinder's opinion regarding papists is quite evident, and yet I wonder what he thinks of the Orthodox and other Eastern Churches.
I live In CT and there was a book released about Witch Trials here, that happened from the 1640s to 60s. The author visited my Library and took question's. Mine was "during KPW, were any Women or Men who interacted with NAs accused of Witchcraft and blamed for their bad showing in the war? And we're any "Witches" hanged for "cursing NE Soldier's and campaigns?" He had no answer outside of "people who were close to or close with Indian's were accused more often then others of Witchcraft, and some Indian's (Uncas of the Mohegans) used witch paranoia and accusations against their NA enemies (he accused the Narragansetts of cursing him with English specific Witchcraft, and they almost believed him, but then remembered how much of a bullshitter he was, and dismissed it. They literally almost said out loud "this scares us, this accusation, but our Ally is so obviously wily it's probably not true so let's drop it. 😆
You're just trying to find out how many people understand all of your acronyms, aren't you?
So, should I deliver them to the court of the magistrate of the shire in which I dwell, or not?
Did they actually not have music? Some digging later, they did have music, although it was very simple choral music. @4:40 Objection, there is no indication that have engaged in sexual intercourse.
But doesn't the bible say : "Rejoice in the LORD, O righteous ones; it is fitting for the upright to praise Him. 2Praise the LORD with the harp; make music to Him with ten strings.3Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully with a shout of joy." (psalm 33) ?
How can be music sinfull, if the bible says to sing, play and dance?
What kind of heresy is this???
Basically the act of Pharisaical Puritans (and their successors) trying to be more controlling and adding extra sins to distract from their own moral failings. For all of the failings of the Catholic Church, one can @ least say that they didn’t invent new sins to anywhere near the same extent as conservative Protestantism. To this day many evangelicals still think that drinking (not excessive drinking but drinking one drop of alcohol) is sinful even though Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine.
deliver unto the magistrate in the shire in which you dwell. From now onwards that will be my reply.
just came across this video and i gotta say great job and good accent. Lived in the UK for 5 years and the people who still hold this accent tend to be the most socially conservative areas in the UK.
A most serious count of 19 sinners hath committed the most grave sin of disliking this, and thus must be sent unto the magistrate of the court in the shire in which they dwell. And if the judgement of the magistrate see it fit, they shalt be severely punished for this grave sin against the Lord, for such devilry is forbidden by the Word of God and by the God-given laws of our colony
I'm disappointed that the penalty is only 10 shillings
I expected that they would be taken to the magistrates gathered at the court in the shire in which he dwells, after which he would be put to instant death.
The Puritans weren't actually that keen on the death penalty.
For most felonies you were excused hanging for the first offence.
The way the first comment talks how his son is beautiful, teenage, 18 etc. makes me worried if this son's problems are extreme dadis rapelis and not drugs and bad grades.
Is nobody going to talk about the voice that he reads the posts in 🤣
TLDR: if you have a relationship problem, deliver the offender(s) to the magistrate in your local shire.
I beg of you to do a thanksgiving special as this puritan.
This channel is criminally underrated, man. Keep producing great content.
Thank you VVitchfinder General.
I caught my sister doing drugs but based on this, I shall deliver her to the magistrate and the court in the shire from where it happened and she shall be judged and if deemed heretical be put to death.
It is the only solution. Lest you also will be judged!
I love how fucking unproductive and awful his advice is. But it makes sense because of the time period this character is supposed to be from. Super funny. 10/10, would totally profess my crimes to magistrate in the shire in which I dwell.
Mike Pence would have been so delighted to bring this back.
Thank you so much for the show, it makes me feel so much better. It makes me miss my parents and family. We have delivered people up to the magistrates on all aforementioned offenses and secured judgement for the crimes committed. Your show portrays our society perfectly, thou art a fair judge. I have committed apostasy of the worst degree, I am an atheist! When I go home I still have to follow the law, it makes me cringe sometimes. My conscience still sounds like this ironically.
Is he saying "Magister's Court" or "Magister's Cart"?
Court seems more right, but Cart sounds funnier.
They shall be punished by instant death
*Witchfinder General, The Movie* - featuring a relative unknown in his first starring role!
You know who also think music is sinful? The Taliban.
the magistrate in the shire in which I dwell is sure earning his payment...
I think my favorite part of the video is Atun Shei's voice when reading the comments.
Witchfinder-General Attun If-Jesus-Christ-Hath-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hast-Been-Damned Shaye, of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay
Why in the fuck is this ASMR-inducing to me? This accent and the way it's used in these videos is so bizarrely relaxing for some reason.
1:42 I feel like it should also have been mentioned that the poster should ALSO submit themselves for judgement, considering they were in fact concerned about coming out to anyone.
Dude, if anyone could go back into the 17th century, it has to be you 😤
Finally a moral and upright man on the Internet, now if only he wasn’t a Puritan.
The music part wasn’t an issue. I just played some sneaking music from metal gear solid and it fit the bill
Well shit, now I need to go to the magistrate of the court in the shire in which I dwell, I’ve got some things he might want to hear.
Oof
What if they refuse to be delivered to the magistrate in the court in the Shire in which i dwell?
Ok, I admit the non-smoking rule alone makes the 17th century Colony of Massachussetts Bay fairly appealing.
as a german this sounds a bit like somebody with a german accent and a hot potatoe in his mouth .... but great
you are an absolute treasure who needs to be protected at all costs.
Dude, I FUCKING LOVE this segment!👍🏿
You got me wanting to learn OP.😶
That horrible moment when you recognize that Caribbean people speak like the Witchfinder because that’s the accent the slave owners must have used.