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I’ve always been a fan of calling people out, but I gave it up at one point. Because the problem with this is what happens afterwards: they will deny having insulted you and then call you crazy, sensitive, misunderstanding, stupid, not being able to take a joke etc.. I never know what to do at this point. 3 second look and all. It‘s just super cringey and uncomfortable. And it makes the more skilled abusers come at you full on, bring other people into the discussion, later start gossiping about you, turning you into a monster etc. basically giving them an excuse to try to get revenge on you later, with each available occasion.
Yes, just say "Thank you" and you could add the three second look. If they ask you what you are looking at, you could say " Enough said" and then ignore them and their antics. I find this generally works.
I feel you on this. I have a coworker that says obnoxious things as a joke. I asked him if he had a problem with me. A few days after asking him that question, he said I freaked out and so he avoids me. Keep in mind, the day I asked him, he thought I was joking because I was calm and smiling. He said no and asked me why I'm asking him that question. I told him that his jokes go too far. His jokes [I hope you fall down the stairs, I'm not your type so I don't have a chance, I'm tired of seeing you, how does it feel to be hated by everyone, noone likes you, you're pretty why do you act like a grandma?] It's tiring to me and I'm not laughing. Since I said something, he's calmed down dramatically. I'm happy, however it irks me that he would think asking a question is being over reactive to insults laced as jokes. In the end you have to weigh what is worth to you to resolve the situation.
Kirine... totally agree with you. I now just simply bombard them with KINDNESS and COMPLIMENTS.... at a bar I buy them a drink... at a party I offer to refresh their drink... I tell them they look fantastic... etc. Watch their reaction! Guaranteed...soooo totally works! They will know you have risen above them without even calling them out.
Gennaro Sambuco Agree! I think you should carefully choose whom you call out and whom you “kill with kindness”. Definitely call out the people who mean nothing to you and whom you don’t have to work and/or live with; you can just drop the bomb and leave. I called my boss out years ago and he made sure to turn my life (even my personal one) into a living nightmare. Also, if you have a narcissistic partner, when the time comes to see who they really are, don’t call them out, just quietly remove yourself from that situation. If you call them out, they will drop the pleasantries and show you how monstrous they can be, plus make sure to tell everyone that the monster is actually you.
A neighbor girl I grew up with - we still visit our respective parents who remained neighbors - says shit like this all the time. The problem is, she's a MASTER at making it seem like she doesn't know any better. In other words, she makes it seem like she does really want to compliment you, but is just using the wrong words. All I usually say to her is, "Oh, Judy (real name). Leave it to you to wrap up an insult inside the sugary, candy coating of an insincere compliment!" That usually shuts her trap for the rest of the visit. Which only lasts about 30 more seconds. That usually
THEM (backpedaling): "Nooo... That's not what I meant..." ME (After 3 second look): "Nooo, that is what you meant; you just didn't have the guts to say it to my face, so I said it for you. Now, go sit down and grow up."
Jennifer, you have to practice. Scripts and techniques don't come naturally. That's why they're called communication skills and not communication talents. You're not alone--but you can anticipate and practice.
Jennifer, i was the same and has the Same conclusion that i was just slow.. well there are some easy tactical measures to gain time needed, I.e. let the other repeat what he said, or just repeat the phrase flung at you with addage like " did I hear that correctly?" you catch my drift, there are plenty of ways to shift the initiative back to the attacker .. especially since there are a few people who sense that the other "can't touch back" so these devices of shifting and breaking their initiative and attention will at least buy time, often thwart an attack completely on their own. get creative, there are tons of ways to manage situations like that in your favour. you do not and should not change yourself, just develop and hone some nifty skills to master and be in command of your reality.
In just a few hours I've read so many EXCEPTIONAL examples of passive-aggressive comments at parties (or elsewhere). Thank you so much! I'll be using them as examples in future videos. Priceless. Dan
😂 Dan! I love how you have NO PROBLEM addressing people and their inappropriate behavior lol! And you do it in a polite yet assertive way. We will NOT tolerate nonsense! 💪
I worry about this kind of thing all the time. Is it okay to say you look pretty in that dress, or that dress looks great on you? If not, what would be the best way to say something like that?
@@love2learnmitchell329 Hey Mitchell: I have a video somewhere among my 250 or so on UA-cam about how to give a compliment, and you have the right idea because you are emphasizing the person, not the article of clothing. My favorite is "That dress looks great on you." Easy breezy. If a woman is offended by that, she should perhaps be wearing a gunny sack that will garner no compliments. :) Dan
I have changed my compliments from "love that dress" to "looking good in red today." Complimenting the person instead of the article also feels more natural. In the meantime I accept "I want to steal your cap." Knowing the environment, I keep an eye on my possessions:)
I sometimes have trouble hearing people and commonly apologize and ask people to repeat what they've said. I have inadvertently found that when asking someone to repeat a backhanded compliment their body language changes to a more tense and awkward state and they will try and explain themselves or just change it to an actual compliment, and then they never use backhanded compliments with me again. So now I always ask people to repeat backhanded compliments that way.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. But I will. I REALLY appreciate all the examples of snarky, back-handed compliments you've all received over the years. I hope I've helped you respond to those same comments in the future. Or better yet, I hope there won't be any comments like those again!
Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor what is your advice for when you speak these words to someone and they then unleash all of the insults directly to your face just as you have asked them? I can imagine that I might cry...but that doesn’t really back up my claim that I can handle their criticism.
After getting tired of snarky anti-military(wonen?) I called the snarker down w my supervisor and the Personnel Director and told them all: continuation of this hostile work environment will result in a lawsuit; against all of you. Hot damn, that worked. Wouldn't recommend in all situations, but it's an option
@@sepadgett792000 You wish them a nice day and walk away, realizing that everything they said spoke volumes about them and nothing about you. Don't argue; don't defend. There is nothing to defend. Just smile and walk away. You can always wish them a good day or evening too, if you wish.
Retain comments... I look at the person and laugh really hard and say, “oh, Stephanie or ?, you have issues”, and walk away laughing. Gets them every time.
I was in 6th grade, in English class, we had to draw illustrations to go along with our short stories we were supposed to write. There was this kid that was a great artist. He shows it to the teacher, who says-I kid you not: “You know that’s really good………too bad you traced it!” The whole class had to come to his defense and say he didn’t, he really was that good!
I am happy to hear that you and class came to his defense. That action helped to counteract the ignorance of the teacher. Congradulations to a class that cared about justice and fairness and spoke up. ( :
Nobody gives such good advice dealing with these passive aggressive types as you. Making the hidden seen. Putting the perp on 'notice'. Telling them they don't have to be passive aggressive because you are brave enough to communicate directly. I love it. Other advice is just too dramatic, or leaves YOU looking like the crazy one, or the confrontational one. Your advice actually works.
Thank you SO MUCH AS Stanley, for that testimonial! And I am gratified you find these techniques working for you. It's my goal to give words, not theory. Dan
Best not to play the comeback game…. Act as if you have no idea they’re being passive aggressive … just smile & nod. It would be fun though to say them something like “We all have to do what’s best for us don’t we?” They’ll be like “huh”?
A ex sis in law says while in conversation ” I would never do that”or “If it was me” etc. This elevates her over the person and the situation. I started back by saying “I’m not talking about you but me” or “ I feel like your putting me down for being me not encouraging me for learning a life lesson”. Now I just talk to her as little as possible. She’s haughty
I would just answer “In that case, it’s a good thing for me I’m not you then.” Then I would laugh obnoxiously 🤣🤣🤣. I’ve done it before and it works. It has the effect of the whack a mole game. Shuts em down with excellent satisfaction as a bonus.
See now I'm starting to be self conscious about certain comments that I make because when I make them I'm being genuine and I am not trying to insult someone on the Fly however sometimes I think people take it as such because disingenuous comments I made so often this day in age
@@susiebear3316 I was bad about backhanded compliments at work because several coworkers did it regularly so it became the usual. From someone that did it, you KNOW the minute it leaves your mouth. I had to say over and over and over and over KMS KMS KMS KMS to myself. (keep mouth shut). It's made life easier and I don't feel so damn guilty anymore.
Listy it actually happened to me too. I didn't know what to say. I suppose I can get some personal Joy knowing that she doesn't hold on to anyone for too long
That’s disgusting. ..women saying that about your husbands... I’d look upon them as if they were shabby dressed little girls 👧and say “(insert name or term of endearment) , it’s because I have standards , if he ever leaves me it’s because he lowered his, “ or “oh, that’s because he loves that I don’t smell like “desperate”, you should really mind your insecurities..they reek like road kill from miles away”
I am listening to this realising I may have accidentally insulted at least one person by pointing out their cool quirky clothing that I am not brave enough to pull off... oh well. We do the best we can with the skill and tools we have.
Clarice1933 I apologize, I notice that my comment is a little harsh. I guess I was angry when I wrote it. Its no excuse but its because I’ve been embarrassed many times by people who may or may not have ill intentions (sometimes its very hard to tell the difference) towards me. I myself may have said things that I really did mean as a compliment but it may have been taken as a backhanded insult by the other party. I’m not the most graceful person so I prefer to stick to etiquette basics and keep my lips sealed mostly, like being neutral. I find that works best for me at this point in my personal development.
As I watched the video I was trying to think of time people had said things like this to me and could only think of times I said things like this to other people. I will be so sincere and then realize the person has taken it as an insult or not even realize it until much later. But I also have to say that if I were to reply to someone the way this man is suggesting most people I know would in turn become quiet aggressive and tell me exactly everything they think is wrong with me. I don’t really want that.
@@SR77736 honestly it was just in my recommended. I also think that what he's taking as an affront isn't always meant that way, and sometimes you've gotta give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people are passive agressive dbags- prolly depends on the person. Nothing is black and white like this.
OK - here are a couple. One large man leaned over a small woman at an office party and said, 'what does a little woman like you do with her time?' And this little lady put her finger in her mouth and stared up at wide - eyed and said, 'Silly me's a judge.'
I got that, my sister in law said to my brother "she doesn't look like that in real life, she's just photogenic". Ugh.... THEN she repeated it on another occasion to make sure l knew it was FACT 🤣🤣🤣.
Not only do I find your videos useful and truthful and valuable. .. as a painfully empathetic and also mindful person I find you delightful! Truly. Thank you!
Tsunami Gaming And Vlogz poor explanation. You can say, “you look so beautiful!” Or, “wow I like your outfit.” Adding that “today” qualifier is passive aggressiveness.
@@PreppyPrincess777 I always respond with:"so what you're saying is I looked horrible yesterday?" Like clockwork the reactions are all the same...stutters, denials, discomfort, rephrasing. But to be honest I don't care that much about compliments or lack thereof so basically the strongest defense is no defense at all.
Girl friend of my 20 something yr old son said they had been looking at some of my photos taken 20 some yrs ago then said " You used to be so pretty" I just looked at her and thought What? In the next few weeks I realised all conversations with this girl included a backhanded compliment without fail.
That reminds me of something a supervisor said to me a couple weeks ago. I told her I'm doing a job interview and she said, are you going to put yourself together? I looked at her shocked and she backtracked and said, I mean you always look put together but you know...put some make-up on for the interview. People can be rude at times. I think they don't think before they speak. You sons gf probably has verbal diarrhea like the supervisor.
What an amazing support for communication and community Having the tools that support boundaries Alerts me in my personal control of what I can change To respectful surrender to what I cannot When I speak with these specific guides there is evidence that there is a difference It furnishes the knowledge of the difference Dan is a miracle please support the robust accessible platform Love your work dan
OMG...This is my first time watching your video. Where have you been all my life? I liked and became a subbie before the video was done. Thank you Mr. O’Connor- for already transforming my listening and communication skills just by planting these seeds in my mind and heart. 😘
Thank you for this journey in helping us all to find our voice!! My abusive brother growing up changed who I could’ve been and you’re helping. Thank you!
My whole life I heard comments about how pretty I would be if I had been lucky enough to have my mom’s blue eyes. My eyes are brown. Some people are just unbelievable, they don’t realize how damaging those stupid and unnecessary comments can be to a child or a teenager. Great video by the way. Thanks for sharing these verbal self defense techniques.
I have hazel eyes and my baby got brown eyes. Can i just tell you how beautiful she is with her beautiful brown eyes? You rock them brown eyes darlin! Brown is beautiful too 💗
Brown eyes are deep and soulful. My eyes were brown when I was a kid. They turned hazel when I went thru puberty. My sister has blue eyes with yellow specks and my other sister has classic brown eyes. My mom has gray blue eyes and my dad has classic brown eyes. I miss my brown eyes. But im happy with what I have too.
My list: 1. You're pretty for a black girl. 2. You're pretty why dress like a nun? Or You look nice, why do you wear so much clothes? 3. You're beautiful, why aren't you married? Or You're so pretty, why don't you want a bf? 4. I know you don't want kids but you'll make a wonderful mother. 5. You're so beautiful, you should model. Why work here/you don't need this job 6. You are going to live ALL ALONE by yourself? 😱 I couldn't do it. You're so brave. [Insert fake smile]. I'm tired of being judged on my looks or choosing to be single on purpose. I want to be fully dressed with no makeup, no kids, travel, and feel accomplished of my three degrees and not scrutinized for it. Plus, I enjoy having the alphabet after my name.
RIGHT ON, PHOENIX--and congratulations on that alphabet after your name. Not everybody admires the Kardashians or confuses makeup and kids with accomplishment. (I don't know the Kardashians, and even if I did--that was a very very snarky thing to say. But I've looked for the talent there for years and found nothing but kids and makeup --well, and millions.) Don't repeat my snide comment, please :( :( :(
Dan, I love your videos. I have learned so much about how to stand up for myself, without being mean, and it is priceless. It's so important to face these situations (backhanded compliments) especially for myself because I tend to be hard on myself. I recently perceived something that my Mom said to me as a backhanded compliment. I didn't say anything to her and it was eating away at me in my personal life, my marriage, and my work. I am 6 months pregnant with my first child and she said to me, "How exciting that NEXT YEAR you can celebrate Mother's Day!" We are in April and I will still be pregnant during this years' Mother's Day. I wish I had said something like, "Mom, you don't have to celebrate my baby or me a Mom yet. I know I'm a mother to this baby inside of me right now. I care for them every day, and I am their home. I am a Mom, and I AM celebrating this year, in my own home with my husband, my baby's father. You don't need to insult me, and I wasn't asking for your permission or opinion. I'm not upset with you, I just want you to know that in my life I am a Mom to my baby." All the while maintaining a head tilt forward, my eyes open and letting her know that even though she was wanting to decide whether or not I was allowed to celebrate Mother's Day. I know she would have said something like, "Oh, I wasn't..." And giving her the 3-second look would have felt AMAZING. Hahaha a force to be reckoned with! She knows that when I was 17 (28 now) I was pregnant (unplanned) and I allowed my BF at the time to talk me into aborting the baby. I struggled w/ depression for about a year after that, and she nagged me to get pregnant for the last 10 yrs. I ignored her because I hadn't met the person I wanted to build a life with, yet. I wasn't financially ready. I was still obtaining my degree; this is MY LIFE! She had been pretty selfish in her wanting to become a grandmother...and now that I am finally ready and have been carrying my baby around for the past half-year, she threw that comment into my life like a wrench- it threw me off. I feel better being able to process this event in what truly feels like a healthy way. Thank you so much.
Caritas, you sound totally healthy and together to me. And btw, OF COURSE you are already a mother and that little person growing inside you is already being influenced by you and everyone around you. (He's just a kid who hasn't yet left home :) :) :) ) I can see that though you want to stand up to your mother assertively and with love, you also forgive her for trying to shame you over your abortion. Forgive her first--for your sake--and then stand up to her--for your sake. You'll know the right time.
After completing my job successfully, my boss gave me a compliment: "Ann, this was some real creative and logical thinking" and then he continued: 'and it happened the first time since you worked here". I have been working for that company for 2 years.
This is the sort of situation that makes me glad that I have Asperger's syndrome and choose not to force myself to be social in the first place. When I was much younger, I did have a stepmother who was unrelentingly critical of me, usually prefacing it with some half-hearted compliment or other. I finally got so sick of this that, one day I just raised one eyebrow and started smiling at her. The more I smiled, the more steam started to curl out of her head, until she finally went up the in mushroom cloud she had intended for me. I learned two things that day: both silence and a sense of humor can be deadly weapons, and it is wise to choose your battles. Also, since it makes me uncomfortable to look people in the eye, I stared at her nose.
People who judge are projecting their insecurities onto you. Always retort with: "I appreciate your attention to detail...it simplifies the reflection of how you really feel about yourself." (Smile or wink and walk away) Check-Mate!!
While being very poorly treated behind a desk. When things were done...I over emphasized "Well you are so charming and helpful...thank you very much" That was passive agressive. ouch!
It’s called calling them out because your not afraid to take criticism. Because we all know - a lot of folks cannot take criticism because they live a fake life anyways. Absolutely wonderful advise and tools to use when your in this situation or caught off guard.
Thanks Dan... Another great video! I had a minor disagreement with a co-worker the other day. Afterwards, she said to me, "You know it's really difficult for me to relate to you because of our age gap", the implication being "you're old". Mind you, she's 38 and I'm 53.
Martin, it's difficult to hold your tongue in situations such as these. Obviously the comment is absurd even if there were a HUGE age gap between you two--which there isn't. Sophisticated people can communicate and work effectively with any age group, any ethnic group, and people of either sex. This co-worker demonstrated a real lack of sophistication in her comment. Maybe her inexperience is affecting her work . . . . :)
I meant the 38 yr old is fighting ageing by placing her superiority over someone whose older.. instead of collaborating in work with combined wisdom gained thru experience
Em, my science teacher said that exact thing after I got a high grade in my exam, I just said yeah, I studied hard, put a lot of effort into it, and then promptly told her straight out it had nothing to do with her teaching methods. (felt good, as I walked away.)
Here's a back-handed compliment I witnessed recently said to a skilled and experienced multi-disciplinary artist: "I just love how you dabble in so many things!" Lol
Ya gotta love it. "Hey Michelangelo, pump out a quick painting for my office hallway, will you??" "Dabble" Such an offensive word for a serious endeavor.
This reminds me of an encounter I had recently. I am a professional portrait artist. I don't make my entire living with my art, but a good portion of it does come from portraits. A friend of my mother's once told me "That's great that you are doing so much art lately! It keeps you busy!" Sheesh. It more than "keeps me busy." It puts food on the table.
@@slwarn Pfft! Haha. People who aren't doing what they wish they were, out of fear, tend to say stuff like that to belittle others who are following their passions. It's so transparent! Calling them out is a great idea because not only does it keep us feeling empowered, it can also badger these snakes into looking at themselves so they may one day think "why *would* I say that?" And then hopefully they'll learn something about themselves or realize they're not doing what makes them truly happy! Jealousy is a sign that often points the way forward. Good luck with your portraits!
Now that is pretty overtly insulting. And wrong-headed. Whoever said knows perfectly well that you can (and most likely are) doing both--and there is a little jealousy rearing its head here, if I had to guess. Amazing how many men do both, isn't it--and people don't give it a thought . . . .
Women really need to stop sniping at each other and respect one another’s choices (or sometimes a lack of choice) on this. I was a stay at home mom, and the passive aggressive comment that I frequently heard was “Whatever do you do all day?” I would just answer with a long, blank stare.
Attacking someone's parenting is over the top! I've dealt with snarky comments regarding working as well. I've seen nasty women doing that crap when trying to get other women to join their pyramid schemes or buy their overpriced garbage (typically comes from someone you haven't heard from since high school).
A colleague told me once “That blouse looks so cute on you. I wish I could wear something like that but I couldn’t get away with showing so much skin.” Heard that one loud and clear.
you are the king of shade, dan, in my book a.k.a. still very much communication training! i'm here for the self-improvement, i stay for the background commentary and voice effects
Good advice right there “don’t drink at holiday party’s”. Personally i just stopped going to the work parties. Only way I could get through them was to drink. Figured if I’m not enjoying it that much just don’t go.
Taija (an ex employee) replied loudly back to me, "I am criticising you, but you take all of the fun out of it!" After I said "If you want to criticise me, go right ahead. I am a professional."
I really like your videos. I just now found you. I like that you don’t suggest that people just bow up and take the backhanded compliments. I love the sassy way you teach us to handle them. Thank you so much!😊
I loved this video. I have made people that gave sarcastic or back handed compliments feel uneasy without knowing it. I am from a country in which things are said in a straightforward way, including sarcasm. I’ve noticed sarcasm here in the us is more subtle and discreet. So because I would just said “okay...” and would look side to side thinking of what the person really meant, they would feel unrewarded and would not do it again. Other times I would just ask “What do you mean?” And they didn’t want to explain to me and would just leave frustrated. Lol Now that I’m in the country for 7 years I can understand more of what people mean, but I still don’t understand a lot. Actually many sarcasm comments I find more funny than hurtful and people also don’t like I feel that way and just don’t choose me as a victim next time. If I happen to understand the sarcasm or back handed compliment, I might even think it’s funny. Now that I know people will leave me alone for not understanding what they really are trying to say, sometimes I just play dumb and ask things related to their comment. Ex: if someone says my clothing looks like the 90’s I will ask how people dressed in the 90’s in America. U should see their faces. I think for foreigners that works great.
For me, last year at a family Xmas get together, my older brother just had his first child. Before he had his kid, I was the only one in the family with children. My kids are also young. When I would come by to visit for the holidays, my brother would bring his dog to the party. My brothers dog is a yipper! His dog would always bark the second I would arrive at the party. Always waking my babies up from their naps. My kids would become cranky cry babies upon entering the house.😅 This was hard for me to deal with because I am already exhausted with all the Christmas stuff, but now I have to try and keep an angry child happy in another person's house.. Well now that my brother has a baby, his dog is used to babies and doesn't freak out anymore. My parents kept going ON and ON about how QUIET my brothers baby is!!! About how good they are at being parents! All said in front of me. I received no such compliments. Not before my brothers child or since. Very rude, and hurtful doesn't really do this situation justice..😥 And just to be clear, my kids are great! .... When they get a decent nap in!! Lol 😕
@@ms.5779 Thanks for understanding.. And I have let this petty stuff go. However, I have chosen to go "no contact" with my family since my second daughters birthday. (Which was 3 days after this Christmas fiasco.. it's a long story, but my whole family are narcissists and I and my family are the scapegoats..) my family "acted" like they where coming to my daughters birthday party, so I made food for a bunch of people.... Long story short, the only people to show up where my parents! And they only came to "stir the pot" so to speak!😒 They talked a bunch of crap and tried to start drama between myself and my siblings, who did not come to my daughters party just to spite me! I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to make the best of the situation for my daughter. My family has abused me in MANY ways all throughout my life, but this was the first time my family involved my children. Whether they think I am a good parent doesn't matter. I know I am! I saw this abuse starting and I ended it. I hope in time, my family will be different and not try and start conflicts within the family, but I doubt it.😔 Big fat SIGH!!! 😒
@@jessicalt4121 Thank you for your support! 👍 It's difficult when the children don't understand, but one day when they are older, hopefully they WILL understand.
Haha. I know all about that. Depending on the situation, you could say "Well thank God I didn't inherit that...." and then kinda giggle and say " That is .... Whew " or " Wow". The response might be something like " What the "bleep" are you talking about? Then out right laugh and say "and the fact that you don't recognize it is".... then shake your head and laugh while saying " ahhh ha ha , I can't got to go / I need to make call/ Going to grab some food" etc. The point is that you didn't inherit that nastiness.
I have a family member who excels at this. "You look so much better than you usually do!" and my personal favourite "You've hated me for years? But I haven't thought about you at all!"
I am always unsure on how to answer backhanded compliments, here are a couple; "Your look lovely. Have you put on weight? Are you menopausal?" "You look great. Your face looks rounder" Your videos are brilliant and in tune with reality- the fact that you are trying to help people defend themselves from verbal attacks, rather than the usual "Learn how to rise above it" or " You are misreading the situation" approach is SO refreshing. Great stuff!
Many thanks, Nadia. I try very hard to give people the words that will help them with their own self-esteem, and help them step out of the shadows and speak.
For the menopausal question..respond I am not menopausal...it's you. (Well, I am assuming they ask if you are menopausal if they think you are being moody.)
I worked for an attorney before who straight up told me he thought I was a “drama starter” by only assuming and knowing me for no more than 2 months. I sat there and didn't engage. In fact, I was completely shocked to hear these words coming from his mouth, then shortly learned three employees(women) had abruptly left.😂 In hindsight, I did exactly what I should have done. Thanks for the confirmation!🤘🏼
I love this! That’s similar to what I do especially at work. But I don’t do the step of telling them they can just insult me directly. I usually tell them that what they said was insulting and then I tell them to stop being rude. When they try to say they didn’t mean it that way I’ll say that yes they did and I’m not going to argue with them. Then I disengage. If they continue to insist they were not trying to insult me then I tell them they should be more mindful of how they’re coming across and that they should brush up on their social skills. But, I like your way better because it’s more polite, so thank you! My way is a bit harsh, I think.
Showed my drivers license to post office worker to get new mailbox keys. He looked at my photo and said wow you look so pretty in this glamour shot this photo must have been a long time ago. SMH
Haven't seen your videos in a while but I feel like I got a Christmas present when I seen this video pop up in my feed. The topic was SOOOO appropriate for the holidays!
Ugh, this video and the comments make me cringe because I'm just one of those awkward social people who seems to always have my stupid foot in my mouth, and trying to say something nice comes out all wrong. I suffer from extreme anxiety as I've gotten older because of it. I should maybe tattoo "not a gifted communicator" across my forehead so folks would either avoid me altogether or else remember to have a little extra grace with me?
Well Lumberjack, it appears that you are TRYING to be nice, which gives you a huge leg up on the people talked about here--who aren't trying to be nice at all. So carry on and do your best; what more can people expect of you? My guess is you're being too hard on yourself. And btw, I'd put that idea on a t-shirt, not on your forehead! :) Dan
@@A.L.75 I absolutely agree Angeline. It comes down to intent. The mean person intends to hurt. The socially awkward person intends to simply converse, and sometimes says the wrong thing (and then apologizes if he/she unintentionally has offended). HUGE difference! And btw, your daughter can grow and become more socially graceful, but unfortunately mean people rarely change and seldom grow. They CAN, but frequently choose not to do so. Sadly. That's why we learn to deal with mean/difficult people, but the intention is not to change them--merely to train them how to treat us. That's the best we can do, right?
These are all examples of covert aggression, not passive aggression.A classic example of passive aggression is when a person makes others wait for them, shows up late, "accidentally" makes mistakes doing something they don't really want to do, so they won't be asked to do it again - things like that.
I have said this to people I am close to as a joke, not an insult, but as a compliment. They know it is said in fun. I would never try to hurt them or anybody else and they know it. We are used to seeing friends and relatives in everyday work clothes. When they or ourselves take extra care to dress up, it is noticed and acknowledged and enjoyed.
I wore a really pretty scarf to work, I'm a cashier, and a lady told me how pretty it was & then in the next breath commented that it looks too pretty to be wearing to work!
I agree with everything. Although, I have come across many times when the passive aggressive comments can be misconstrued into something that was completely innocent. Taking the sweater example, if I were to call them out on how that was passive-aggressive, the aggressive person can easily turn around and say something along the lines of, "Oh, I ment that size and color would not look good on me, that's what would make me look like a doofus.". When this happens, it make me look like a jerk for taking a harmless comment as something aggressive. I think that is the main point of passive aggressive comments. They could be manipulated and misconstrued into harmless statements. There are some passive aggressive comments that are no doutabaly aggressive, but I think the majority of toxic people stay within the subtle jabs. How would you recommend dealing with somebody who is aggressive but does so so passively that it is impossible to ever call them out on it without looking like I'm overly defensive and paranoid?
Hi there, haven't seen you for a while, my, you look good FOR YOUR AGE. (Especially, considering the person giving you the backhanded compliment, is the same bloody age as you and has a face like a leather handbag). Just saying. 😁
Olivia Mae I didn’t know that was disrespectful, I have said that to people before, but was unaware that it was a back handed. I would never deliberately put anyone down. Least I know that now
"oh, you're a painter! that's so interesting, I could never do something like that because I was raised that you should focus on actually be productive and helping people, but that sounds fun!" --- never went back to that Christmas party....
That insult was so unveiled it could be classified as overt rather than back-handed. Probably one of the most ignorant I've heard and kudos to you for avoiding that person--and his/her parties. :)
I've heard this 1 from a passive aggressive douche I dated. I'm pretty either a nice body but my personality isn't all that. But he couldn't leave me alone. 🙄😐🤨 smh.
My case was the opposite. I was always told that I have such a beautiful body. I thought that was a genuine compliment from a friend until she told me "what happened to your face?"
Certain people in my family are all about the, "You're looking good! Have you lost weight?" I will usually respond with something along the lines of, "Weight hasn't changed. Thanks for the compliment!" Even if I have lost weight or gotten leaner, I'm not going to feed into their idea that their chunk is superior to my chunk.
Hi Dan, been following you in UA-cam and I'm learning a lot from you. I would like to check how if passive aggressive or backhanded compliment was done during phone conference with team members?
What a great video! One comment that seems to bother me (mostly in the dating scene but it seems appropriate in other situations) is when men tell me "You're pretty mature for your age" when I tell them my age. I typically date men about a decade older than me and they don't realize. that comment is a pretty good way to indicate that they think I am too young for them.
The most fun one: Back storr - I just got an adult dobermann and a colleague had a party where he suggested me to bring my dog (I didn't want to leave her at home for longer stretches of time at first). When I arrived at the beginning of the party, with my dog, my new boss said very loudly (in the room full of coworkers): That is so surprising. Usually dogs look like their owners, but that dog is so elegant, long legged and slim. Then laughing and saying: It wasn't meant like that. I know I am small, fat and not at all elegant, so it didn't as such hurt particularly. But it was so "clever" an insult that it really stuck with me.
What an awesome Subject you Covered. I have always Not looked forward to going to visit relatives over the holidays. Because of this topic, keep up the great work.😂❤
Ok, here’s one from my stepmother aimed at me at Christmas last year. I was speaking to my nephews girlfriend who enjoys philosophy as much as I. Stepmom waltzes by and without even looking at me says, “Oh, Laura. You’re talking so intelligently”.
Hey I have a question... how do you handle it when you can see that the person is genuinely not trying to offend you with their backhanded compliment, but instead they speak from a place of innocent ignorance, but their comments are still hurtful and even non-applicable to you as the recipient? For example: I constantly worry about what we humans have done to the environment, so, one of the ways for me to feel I’m lessening my impact on the planet is by shutting off the water while I’m not using it, e.g. like when I’m combing the conditioner through my hair in the shower. So a friend of mine mentioned how my constant on/off running of the water woke her up early in the morning, so, her mom (who’s also a friend) piped up and said “oh honey, that’s because she’s from South America, so they have to learn how to save water, because water is scarce down there!” And she turns to me and says “right?” But she had this look on her face that was like “I did good?” Almost like she wanted me to back her up or validate her... I didn’t know what to say to her! All I could think was where in the world did you come up with that???? I pretty much froze , I still kindly corrected her information, but it still was such an awkward moment because here you have somebody absolutely sweet saying something completely offensive and inappropriate, yet with their best intention! What do you do in that situation?
Say what is the truth. "Actually, Miss (her name), I shut off the water because I think water is a precious resource and I don't want to waste it." That's it. You don't have to do anything but live your truth. She's ignorant -- not necessarily evil. Speak your truth and keep moving!
My list: 1. With a deeply concerned face, "Awww! you are so skinny!" 2. "You have been here so long, aren't you the manager yet?" 3. "Don't worry about what they say, you look nice anyway." 4. (After showing a learned skill), "Oh, nice! you learned how to sew! You must really have a lot of time on your hands." 5. "Oh...hey...It's nice to see you again..." (the pauses between oh and hey are indicators of an awkward feeling and the "nice to see you" says he is covertly trying to remain at ease. Emotions were stirred and he is passively saying he is not happy to see him with the "again" part.) 6. "Here, take this Panera gift card (only had 2 dollars on it), since you're not going back to college." (Yes, this actually happened to me. So fucking awkward, lol) 7. "It's never quiet around here with you, is it?" (Rhetorical and passive-aggressive simultaneously.) 8. "It's good to be you, isn't it?" (Rhetorical and passive-aggressive) 9. Lady says: "Call me Nicki...(pauses)" (I assume correctly & interrupt) Me: "Oh, like Nicki Minaj?" as she is saying, "Like Nicki..." Lady with HUGE SMILE: "YES!" Me (passive-aggressive comment): "Haha! You were just waiting for me to say that, huh?"
I have recently come across this channel and wow! The advice given is the best I have come across and more effective than the books i have previously purchased. Thank you! Do you have a book out? I would like to purchase.
Yes, I have two books-- Say This Not That (by Dan O'Connor--not "the other guy") and Energy Vampire Slaying: 101 both available at my store in danoconnortraining.com
natural tendencies Some people are not purposefully insulting just not sensitive to how their comment may be perceived. An insulting person is like that ALL THE TIME
My favorite passive aggressive statement that I used on a woman that wanted to break up my home. Please do not pet my dog. She hasn't had her rabies shots yet. Yes I got a terrific look and yes it shocked mine now former partner. They both were put on notice that day that I knew the game. Funny enough they both moved on and so did I.
I came back to this video because I keep thinking about something I've said before, and now I feel like a heel after I read comments on here. There have been times that I find what someone is wearing, or makeup/hair in a pic beautiful. Another example has been commenting on UA-cam videos. I've mentioned how stunning or pretty someone looks. I honestly mean it as a compliment, but I certainly hope I'm not offending them. I don't mean to say that they aren't beautiful otherwise. I just wanted them to know that they knocked it out of the park with their look. Now I'm second guessing what I've said, and I would never intend to make someone feel less than or like I'm being passive aggressive.
Katie, don't sweat it. Being passive-aggressive is largely about intention. I hope we haven't come to the point where genuine compliments are considered passive-aggressive. I hope you continue to pass out those compliments, because by and large people feel GOOD when you say something nice about them. What you're reading here in the comments is missing tone, and I'll wager that people who are offended by the "compliments" they're repeating were aware of a snide tone in the speaker--however subtle. You don't have that tone, I'm sure! So don't put yourself in that category of people who are saying one thing and meaning another. Just keep on noticing positive things about people and keep on telling them you've noticed. That's a WONDERFUL trait! Dan
I am impressed. One instance that stands out for me is my sister in law who said “ we are beyond the age of shopping in the junior department “. I said “ well (her name) I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for sag harbor and their clothing is much too large for me.” (Yeah I failed lol)
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I’ve always been a fan of calling people out, but I gave it up at one point. Because the problem with this is what happens afterwards: they will deny having insulted you and then call you crazy, sensitive, misunderstanding, stupid, not being able to take a joke etc.. I never know what to do at this point. 3 second look and all. It‘s just super cringey and uncomfortable. And it makes the more skilled abusers come at you full on, bring other people into the discussion, later start gossiping about you, turning you into a monster etc. basically giving them an excuse to try to get revenge on you later, with each available occasion.
Yes, just say "Thank you" and you could add the three second look. If they ask you what you are looking at, you could say " Enough said" and then ignore them and their antics. I find this generally works.
I feel you on this. I have a coworker that says obnoxious things as a joke. I asked him if he had a problem with me. A few days after asking him that question, he said I freaked out and so he avoids me.
Keep in mind, the day I asked him, he thought I was joking because I was calm and smiling. He said no and asked me why I'm asking him that question. I told him that his jokes go too far. His jokes [I hope you fall down the stairs, I'm not your type so I don't have a chance, I'm tired of seeing you, how does it feel to be hated by everyone, noone likes you, you're pretty why do you act like a grandma?] It's tiring to me and I'm not laughing. Since I said something, he's calmed down dramatically. I'm happy, however it irks me that he would think asking a question is being over reactive to insults laced as jokes.
In the end you have to weigh what is worth to you to resolve the situation.
Kirine... totally agree with you. I now just simply bombard them with KINDNESS and COMPLIMENTS.... at a bar I buy them a drink... at a party I offer to refresh their drink... I tell them they look fantastic... etc. Watch their reaction! Guaranteed...soooo totally works! They will know you have risen above them without even calling them out.
Gennaro Sambuco Agree! I think you should carefully choose whom you call out and whom you “kill with kindness”. Definitely call out the people who mean nothing to you and whom you don’t have to work and/or live with; you can just drop the bomb and leave. I called my boss out years ago and he made sure to turn my life (even my personal one) into a living nightmare. Also, if you have a narcissistic partner, when the time comes to see who they really are, don’t call them out, just quietly remove yourself from that situation. If you call them out, they will drop the pleasantries and show you how monstrous they can be, plus make sure to tell everyone that the monster is actually you.
I gave up too because I somehow always ended up looking like the bad one when I would call someone out on their BS
A neighbor girl I grew up with - we still visit our respective parents who remained neighbors - says shit like this all the time.
The problem is, she's a MASTER at making it seem like she doesn't know any better. In other words, she makes it seem like she does really want to compliment you, but is just using the wrong words.
All I usually say to her is, "Oh, Judy (real name). Leave it to you to wrap up an insult inside the sugary, candy coating of an insincere compliment!"
That usually shuts her trap for the rest of the visit. Which only lasts about 30 more seconds.
That usually
:) :) :) Had to laugh out loud at that Buckley. BTW, you DO know you're dead, right?
🤣🤣🤣🤣It’s Buckly’s angel.
THEM (backpedaling): "Nooo... That's not what I meant..."
ME (After 3 second look): "Nooo, that is what you meant; you just didn't have the guts to say it to my face, so I said it for you. Now, go sit down and grow up."
Love you.... 🤣🤣🤣
❤️ this Video I’m an introvert and I don’t know what to say by the time I think it something the moment has passed because I’m processing mentally
Jennifer, you have to practice. Scripts and techniques don't come naturally. That's why they're called communication skills and not communication talents. You're not alone--but you can anticipate and practice.
Jennifer, i was the same and has the Same conclusion that i was just slow.. well there are some easy tactical measures to gain time needed, I.e. let the other repeat what he said, or just repeat the phrase flung at you with addage like " did I hear that correctly?" you catch my drift, there are plenty of ways to shift the initiative back to the attacker .. especially since there are a few people who sense that the other "can't touch back" so these devices of shifting and breaking their initiative and attention will at least buy time, often thwart an attack completely on their own. get creative, there are tons of ways to manage situations like that in your favour. you do not and should not change yourself, just develop and hone some nifty skills to master and be in command of your reality.
In just a few hours I've read so many EXCEPTIONAL examples of passive-aggressive comments at parties (or elsewhere). Thank you so much! I'll be using them as examples in future videos. Priceless.
Dan
😂 Dan! I love how you have NO PROBLEM addressing people and their inappropriate behavior lol! And you do it in a polite yet assertive way. We will NOT tolerate nonsense! 💪
I worry about this kind of thing all the time. Is it okay to say you look pretty in that dress, or that dress looks great on you? If not, what would be the best way to say something like that?
@@love2learnmitchell329 Hey Mitchell: I have a video somewhere among my 250 or so on UA-cam about how to give a compliment, and you have the right idea because you are emphasizing the person, not the article of clothing. My favorite is "That dress looks great on you." Easy breezy. If a woman is offended by that, she should perhaps be wearing a gunny sack that will garner no compliments. :) Dan
@@TheWizardOfWords : I really enjoy your videos. Thank you so much for your insight and encouragement.
I have changed my compliments from "love that dress" to "looking good in red today." Complimenting the person instead of the article also feels more natural. In the meantime I accept "I want to steal your cap." Knowing the environment, I keep an eye on my possessions:)
I sometimes have trouble hearing people and commonly apologize and ask people to repeat what they've said. I have inadvertently found that when asking someone to repeat a backhanded compliment their body language changes to a more tense and awkward state and they will try and explain themselves or just change it to an actual compliment, and then they never use backhanded compliments with me again. So now I always ask people to repeat backhanded compliments that way.
Excellent!
Perfect. Especially if you intently look into their eyes while awaiting their answer.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. But I will. I REALLY appreciate all the examples of snarky, back-handed compliments you've all received over the years. I hope I've helped you respond to those same comments in the future. Or better yet, I hope there won't be any comments like those again!
Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor what is your advice for when you speak these words to someone and they then unleash all of the insults directly to your face just as you have asked them? I can imagine that I might cry...but that doesn’t really back up my claim that I can handle their criticism.
After getting tired of snarky anti-military(wonen?) I called the snarker down w my supervisor and the Personnel Director and told them all: continuation of this hostile work environment will result in a lawsuit; against all of you. Hot damn, that worked. Wouldn't recommend in all situations, but it's an option
@@sepadgett792000 You wish them a nice day and walk away, realizing that everything they said spoke volumes about them and nothing about you. Don't argue; don't defend. There is nothing to defend. Just smile and walk away. You can always wish them a good day or evening too, if you wish.
In a right to work state, that would only result in getting you fired effective immediately.
Retain comments... I look at the person and laugh really hard and say, “oh, Stephanie or ?, you have issues”, and walk away laughing. Gets them every time.
I was in 6th grade, in English class, we had to draw illustrations to go along with our short stories we were supposed to write. There was this kid that was a great artist. He shows it to the teacher, who says-I kid you not:
“You know that’s really good………too bad you traced it!” The whole class had to come to his defense and say he didn’t, he really was that good!
I am happy to hear that you and class came to his defense. That action helped to counteract the ignorance of the teacher. Congradulations to a class that cared about justice and fairness and spoke up. ( :
What a jerky teacher. Hope that classmate became a successful artist.
Nobody gives such good advice dealing with these passive aggressive types as you. Making the hidden seen. Putting the perp on 'notice'. Telling them they don't have to be passive aggressive because you are brave enough to communicate directly. I love it. Other advice is just too dramatic, or leaves YOU looking like the crazy one, or the confrontational one. Your advice actually works.
Thank you SO MUCH AS Stanley, for that testimonial! And I am gratified you find these techniques working for you. It's my goal to give words, not theory.
Dan
I value your videos. They are helping me to be more professional.
“You’re more intelligent than your appearance might lead one to believe.”
“I’d love to have hair your color but I left that behind in my 20’s.”
Cindy Harris what do you say in response to the hair comment?
I would've probably asked "why how old are you now?"
They are jealous.
Best not to play the comeback game…. Act as if you have no idea they’re being passive aggressive … just smile & nod. It would be fun though to say them something like “We all have to do what’s best for us don’t we?” They’ll be like “huh”?
@@rukiakurapika8518 YAAAS! I was just thinking the same! “And…how long ago was that exactly”? 😈🤣
A ex sis in law says while in conversation ” I would never do that”or “If it was me” etc. This elevates her over the person and the situation. I started back by saying “I’m not talking about you but me” or “ I feel like your putting me down for being me not encouraging me for learning a life lesson”. Now I just talk to her as little as possible. She’s haughty
I would just answer “In that case, it’s a good thing for me I’m not you then.” Then I would laugh obnoxiously 🤣🤣🤣. I’ve done it before and it works. It has the effect of the whack a mole game. Shuts em down with excellent satisfaction as a bonus.
Coworker: You must put in soooo much effort in how you dress.
Me: Thank you...I don't want to blend in with the ppl like you.
😂
See now I'm starting to be self conscious about certain comments that I make because when I make them I'm being genuine and I am not trying to insult someone on the Fly however sometimes I think people take it as such because disingenuous comments I made so often this day in age
Heard of this comment at work often from people who are on "Friday casual " all week/year long
@@susiebear3316 I was bad about backhanded compliments at work because several coworkers did it regularly so it became the usual. From someone that did it, you KNOW the minute it leaves your mouth. I had to say over and over and over and over KMS KMS KMS KMS to myself. (keep mouth shut). It's made life easier and I don't feel so damn guilty anymore.
A woman said to my mother years ago, referring to my dad, I don't know how someone like you got him.
I've had the same thing said to me.
Listy it actually happened to me too. I didn't know what to say. I suppose I can get some personal Joy knowing that she doesn't hold on to anyone for too long
"You got a similar result, I see!" Would be one way to stop it.
That’s disgusting. ..women saying that about your husbands...
I’d look upon them as if they were shabby dressed little girls 👧and say
“(insert name or term of endearment) , it’s because I have standards , if he ever leaves me it’s because he lowered his, “
or
“oh, that’s because he loves that I don’t smell like “desperate”, you should really mind your insecurities..they reek like road kill from miles away”
This happened to me too
Many of the examples in the comments do not seem like back handed compliments. They seem like something uttered by oafs lacking social grace.
I am listening to this realising I may have accidentally insulted at least one person by pointing out their cool quirky clothing that I am not brave enough to pull off... oh well. We do the best we can with the skill and tools we have.
Clarice1933 I apologize, I notice that my comment is a little harsh. I guess I was angry when I wrote it. Its no excuse but its because I’ve been embarrassed many times by people who may or may not have ill intentions (sometimes its very hard to tell the difference) towards me. I myself may have said things that I really did mean as a compliment but it may have been taken as a backhanded insult by the other party. I’m not the most graceful person so I prefer to stick to etiquette basics and keep my lips sealed mostly, like being neutral. I find that works best for me at this point in my personal development.
As I watched the video I was trying to think of time people had said things like this to me and could only think of times I said things like this to other people. I will be so sincere and then realize the person has taken it as an insult or not even realize it until much later. But I also have to say that if I were to reply to someone the way this man is suggesting most people I know would in turn become quiet aggressive and tell me exactly everything they think is wrong with me. I don’t really want that.
@@MsBorkbork well that's why you're watching this. To improve right?
@@SR77736 honestly it was just in my recommended. I also think that what he's taking as an affront isn't always meant that way, and sometimes you've gotta give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people are passive agressive dbags- prolly depends on the person. Nothing is black and white like this.
OK - here are a couple. One large man leaned over a small woman at an office party and said, 'what does a little woman like you do with her time?' And this little lady put her finger in her mouth and stared up at wide - eyed and said, 'Silly me's a judge.'
Sue Collins 😂😂😂
Eh. I just say "WOW, you are really good at backhanded compliments!"
“You look so different in your pictures!”
I got that, my sister in law said to my brother "she doesn't look like that in real life, she's just photogenic". Ugh.... THEN she repeated it on another occasion to make sure l knew it was FACT 🤣🤣🤣.
@@irishcountrygirl78 Eww…bisssh! She made sure everyone KNEW she meant you look less perfect not in the pics. Shaaaaaady! 🖕🏽
That’s you? Wow the lighting and makeup is amazing ?!?! Uh thanks
😆
Not only do I find your videos useful and truthful and valuable. .. as a painfully empathetic and also mindful person I find you delightful! Truly. Thank you!
Well thank you too Jennie! :)
Dan
“You look good today” ???
Sweetie I look fabulous EVERY DAY 👌🏾😒
Fire Star -Yeah and the people saying that look like trolls everyday..😒
would someone say hey you look good, out of nowhere? the reason people say "today" is because they dont want to seem like they care too much
Tsunami Gaming And Vlogz poor explanation. You can say, “you look so beautiful!” Or, “wow I like your outfit.” Adding that “today” qualifier is passive aggressiveness.
@@PreppyPrincess777 I always respond with:"so what you're saying is I looked horrible yesterday?" Like clockwork the reactions are all the same...stutters, denials, discomfort, rephrasing. But to be honest I don't care that much about compliments or lack thereof so basically the strongest defense is no defense at all.
Girl friend of my 20 something yr old son said they had been looking at some of my photos taken 20 some yrs ago then said " You used to be so pretty" I just looked at her and thought What? In the next few weeks I realised all conversations with this girl included a backhanded compliment without fail.
Damn, I hope she doesn't become your daughter in law, cause you are in for a bumpy ride there.
@@oliviamae3281 I am grateful I found Dan that's for sure.
That reminds me of something a supervisor said to me a couple weeks ago. I told her I'm doing a job interview and she said, are you going to put yourself together? I looked at her shocked and she backtracked and said, I mean you always look put together but you know...put some make-up on for the interview. People can be rude at times. I think they don't think before they speak. You sons gf probably has verbal diarrhea like the supervisor.
I would respond, " At least I was pretty." Mic Drop.
Victoria Munoz ha!!
What an amazing support for communication and community
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Alerts me in my personal control of what I can change
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Love your work dan
Thank you so much Tracy!
OMG...This is my first time watching your video. Where have you been all my life? I liked and became a subbie before the video was done. Thank you Mr. O’Connor- for already transforming my listening and communication skills just by planting these seeds in my mind and heart. 😘
Stop it... Stop making me love you. I have enough Heartbreakers in my life, you vixen. Hahaha. Thank you so much. I'll be sticking with you too, OK!?
Thank you for this journey in helping us all to find our voice!! My abusive brother growing up changed who I could’ve been and you’re helping. Thank you!
"Wow. You are so good at saying 'no.'" LOL. That was a good one.
My whole life I heard comments about how pretty I would be if I had been lucky enough to have my mom’s blue eyes. My eyes are brown. Some people are just unbelievable, they don’t realize how damaging those stupid and unnecessary comments can be to a child or a teenager. Great video by the way. Thanks for sharing these verbal self defense techniques.
I have hazel eyes and my baby got brown eyes. Can i just tell you how beautiful she is with her beautiful brown eyes? You rock them brown eyes darlin! Brown is beautiful too 💗
Shows how our Beaty standards are riddled with white supremacy
Brown eyes are deep and soulful. My eyes were brown when I was a kid. They turned hazel when I went thru puberty. My sister has blue eyes with yellow specks and my other sister has classic brown eyes. My mom has gray blue eyes and my dad has classic brown eyes. I miss my brown eyes. But im happy with what I have too.
The truth is that they DO KNOW how damaging their comments are. They are not stupid, they are evil.
My list:
1. You're pretty for a black girl.
2. You're pretty why dress like a nun? Or You look nice, why do you wear so much clothes?
3. You're beautiful, why aren't you married? Or You're so pretty, why don't you want a bf?
4. I know you don't want kids but you'll make a wonderful mother.
5. You're so beautiful, you should model. Why work here/you don't need this job
6. You are going to live ALL ALONE by yourself? 😱 I couldn't do it. You're so brave. [Insert fake smile].
I'm tired of being judged on my looks or choosing to be single on purpose. I want to be fully dressed with no makeup, no kids, travel, and feel accomplished of my three degrees and not scrutinized for it. Plus, I enjoy having the alphabet after my name.
RIGHT ON, PHOENIX--and congratulations on that alphabet after your name. Not everybody admires the Kardashians or confuses makeup and kids with accomplishment. (I don't know the Kardashians, and even if I did--that was a very very snarky thing to say. But I've looked for the talent there for years and found nothing but kids and makeup --well, and millions.) Don't repeat my snide comment, please :( :( :(
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you! 😄
Yes, You're pretty for a black girl is definitely a long time favorite. Keep living your dream with your alphabet soup self🎉
Phoenix BRAVO!!! So well said.
@@Greeningermany Thank you.
Dan, I love your videos.
I have learned so much about how to stand up for myself, without being mean, and it is priceless.
It's so important to face these situations (backhanded compliments) especially for myself because I tend to be hard on myself.
I recently perceived something that my Mom said to me as a backhanded compliment.
I didn't say anything to her and it was eating away at me in my personal life, my marriage, and my work.
I am 6 months pregnant with my first child and she said to me, "How exciting that NEXT YEAR you can celebrate Mother's Day!"
We are in April and I will still be pregnant during this years' Mother's Day.
I wish I had said something like, "Mom, you don't have to celebrate my baby or me a Mom yet. I know I'm a mother to this baby inside of me right now. I care for them every day, and I am their home. I am a Mom, and I AM celebrating this year, in my own home with my husband, my baby's father. You don't need to insult me, and I wasn't asking for your permission or opinion. I'm not upset with you, I just want you to know that in my life I am a Mom to my baby."
All the while maintaining a head tilt forward, my eyes open and letting her know that even though she was wanting to decide whether or not I was allowed to celebrate Mother's Day.
I know she would have said something like, "Oh, I wasn't..."
And giving her the 3-second look would have felt AMAZING. Hahaha a force to be reckoned with!
She knows that when I was 17 (28 now) I was pregnant (unplanned) and I allowed my BF at the time to talk me into aborting the baby.
I struggled w/ depression for about a year after that, and she nagged me to get pregnant for the last 10 yrs. I ignored her because I hadn't met the person I wanted to build a life with, yet. I wasn't financially ready. I was still obtaining my degree; this is MY LIFE! She had been pretty selfish in her wanting to become a grandmother...and now that I am finally ready and have been carrying my baby around for the past half-year, she threw that comment into my life like a wrench- it threw me off.
I feel better being able to process this event in what truly feels like a healthy way.
Thank you so much.
Caritas, you sound totally healthy and together to me. And btw, OF COURSE you are already a mother and that little person growing inside you is already being influenced by you and everyone around you. (He's just a kid who hasn't yet left home :) :) :) ) I can see that though you want to stand up to your mother assertively and with love, you also forgive her for trying to shame you over your abortion. Forgive her first--for your sake--and then stand up to her--for your sake. You'll know the right time.
After completing my job successfully, my boss gave me a compliment: "Ann, this was some real creative and logical thinking" and then he continued: 'and it happened the first time since you worked here". I have been working for that company for 2 years.
This is the sort of situation that makes me glad that I have Asperger's syndrome and choose not to force myself to be social in the first place. When I was much younger, I did have a stepmother who was unrelentingly critical of me, usually prefacing it with some half-hearted compliment or other. I finally got so sick of this that, one day I just raised one eyebrow and started smiling at her. The more I smiled, the more steam started to curl out of her head, until she finally went up the in mushroom cloud she had intended for me. I learned two things that day: both silence and a sense of humor can be deadly weapons, and it is wise to choose your battles. Also, since it makes me uncomfortable to look people in the eye, I stared at her nose.
Oh that's good. After all, dictators have been brought down with wit and sarcasm. But your'e an inspiration. Will try the smile and raised eyebrow.
People who judge are projecting their insecurities onto you.
Always retort with:
"I appreciate your attention to detail...it simplifies the reflection of how you really feel about yourself." (Smile or wink and walk away) Check-Mate!!
While being very poorly treated behind a desk. When things were done...I over emphasized "Well you are so charming and helpful...thank you very much"
That was passive agressive.
ouch!
It’s called calling them out because your not afraid to take criticism. Because we all know - a lot of folks cannot take criticism because they live a fake life anyways. Absolutely wonderful advise and tools to use when your in this situation or caught off guard.
Thanks Dan... Another great video! I had a minor disagreement with a co-worker the other day. Afterwards, she said to me, "You know it's really difficult for me to relate to you because of our age gap", the implication being "you're old". Mind you, she's 38 and I'm 53.
Martin Koskins yeah,now that was snide..sound she’s fighting ageing
Martin, it's difficult to hold your tongue in situations such as these. Obviously the comment is absurd even if there were a HUGE age gap between you two--which there isn't. Sophisticated people can communicate and work effectively with any age group, any ethnic group, and people of either sex. This co-worker demonstrated a real lack of sophistication in her comment. Maybe her inexperience is affecting her work . . . . :)
@@TheWizardOfWords OH snap! 😂👏👏👏👍
I meant the 38 yr old is fighting ageing by placing her superiority over someone whose older.. instead of collaborating in work with combined wisdom gained thru experience
Wow you did very well on your exam for someone of your intelligence.
Em, my science teacher said that exact thing after I got a high grade in my exam, I just said yeah, I studied hard, put a lot of effort into it, and then promptly told her straight out it had nothing to do with her teaching methods. (felt good, as I walked away.)
😳
Here's a back-handed compliment I witnessed recently said to a skilled and experienced multi-disciplinary artist: "I just love how you dabble in so many things!" Lol
Ya gotta love it. "Hey Michelangelo, pump out a quick painting for my office hallway, will you??" "Dabble" Such an offensive word for a serious endeavor.
Would it have been professional for the artist to ask the commenter what they meant by the word 'dabble'?
Most certainly.
This reminds me of an encounter I had recently. I am a professional portrait artist. I don't make my entire living with my art, but a good portion of it does come from portraits. A friend of my mother's once told me "That's great that you are doing so much art lately! It keeps you busy!" Sheesh. It more than "keeps me busy." It puts food on the table.
@@slwarn Pfft! Haha. People who aren't doing what they wish they were, out of fear, tend to say stuff like that to belittle others who are following their passions. It's so transparent! Calling them out is a great idea because not only does it keep us feeling empowered, it can also badger these snakes into looking at themselves so they may one day think "why *would* I say that?" And then hopefully they'll learn something about themselves or realize they're not doing what makes them truly happy! Jealousy is a sign that often points the way forward. Good luck with your portraits!
"wow, what a great job you have. I would love to be a working Mom too but it's too important to me that I raise my children."
Now that is pretty overtly insulting. And wrong-headed. Whoever said knows perfectly well that you can (and most likely are) doing both--and there is a little jealousy rearing its head here, if I had to guess. Amazing how many men do both, isn't it--and people don't give it a thought . . . .
Women really need to stop sniping at each other and respect one another’s choices (or sometimes a lack of choice) on this. I was a stay at home mom, and the passive aggressive comment that I frequently heard was “Whatever do you do all day?” I would just answer with a long, blank stare.
Attacking someone's parenting is over the top! I've dealt with snarky comments regarding working as well. I've seen nasty women doing that crap when trying to get other women to join their pyramid schemes or buy their overpriced garbage (typically comes from someone you haven't heard from since high school).
A colleague told me once “That blouse looks so cute on you. I wish I could wear something like that but I couldn’t get away with showing so much skin.” Heard that one loud and clear.
You could’ve answered “I suppose I’m just gifted that way. Then laughed
you are the king of shade, dan, in my book a.k.a. still very much communication training! i'm here for the self-improvement, i stay for the background commentary and voice effects
Whatever keeps you coming back and hopefully learning :) :)
Good advice right there “don’t drink at holiday party’s”. Personally i just stopped going to the work parties. Only way I could get through them was to drink. Figured if I’m not enjoying it that much just don’t go.
Taija (an ex employee) replied loudly back to me, "I am criticising you, but you take all of the fun out of it!" After I said "If you want to criticise me, go right ahead. I am a professional."
What was you strategy to "take the fun out of it"?
@@dennisrobinson8008 😁
@@savagesavings i guess if you are strong enough that it has zero impact on you, then it would no longer be fun for them.
I really like your videos. I just now found you. I like that you don’t suggest that people just bow up and take the backhanded compliments. I love the sassy way you teach us to handle them. Thank you so much!😊
The language that you're using to Handel different situations is just amazing and easy to recall, I really like this channel. Thank you again
I loved this video. I have made people that gave sarcastic or back handed compliments feel uneasy without knowing it. I am from a country in which things are said in a straightforward way, including sarcasm. I’ve noticed sarcasm here in the us is more subtle and discreet. So because I would just said “okay...” and would look side to side thinking of what the person really meant, they would feel unrewarded and would not do it again. Other times I would just ask “What do you mean?” And they didn’t want to explain to me and would just leave frustrated. Lol Now that I’m in the country for 7 years I can understand more of what people mean, but I still don’t understand a lot. Actually many sarcasm comments I find more funny than hurtful and people also don’t like I feel that way and just don’t choose me as a victim next time. If I happen to understand the sarcasm or back handed compliment, I might even think it’s funny. Now that I know people will leave me alone for not understanding what they really are trying to say, sometimes I just play dumb and ask things related to their comment. Ex: if someone says my clothing looks like the 90’s I will ask how people dressed in the 90’s in America. U should see their faces. I think for foreigners that works great.
The mindfuckery is strong with this one
Thank you Dan. This is a wonderful video.
Yay! You're back, I sure have missed you. 😄
I've been working on projects and onsites, but I'm back and I'm going to try to post weekly Granny, so stay tuned.
@@TheWizardOfWords you betcha 😄😄😄
For me, last year at a family Xmas get together, my older brother just had his first child. Before he had his kid, I was the only one in the family with children. My kids are also young. When I would come by to visit for the holidays, my brother would bring his dog to the party. My brothers dog is a yipper! His dog would always bark the second I would arrive at the party. Always waking my babies up from their naps. My kids would become cranky cry babies upon entering the house.😅 This was hard for me to deal with because I am already exhausted with all the Christmas stuff, but now I have to try and keep an angry child happy in another person's house.. Well now that my brother has a baby, his dog is used to babies and doesn't freak out anymore. My parents kept going ON and ON about how QUIET my brothers baby is!!! About how good they are at being parents! All said in front of me. I received no such compliments. Not before my brothers child or since. Very rude, and hurtful doesn't really do this situation justice..😥 And just to be clear, my kids are great! .... When they get a decent nap in!! Lol 😕
Angela Stein ouch. Let it go..for now but practice what to say in the future. Though aways calm.
@@ms.5779 Thanks for understanding.. And I have let this petty stuff go. However, I have chosen to go "no contact" with my family since my second daughters birthday. (Which was 3 days after this Christmas fiasco.. it's a long story, but my whole family are narcissists and I and my family are the scapegoats..) my family "acted" like they where coming to my daughters birthday party, so I made food for a bunch of people.... Long story short, the only people to show up where my parents! And they only came to "stir the pot" so to speak!😒 They talked a bunch of crap and tried to start drama between myself and my siblings, who did not come to my daughters party just to spite me! I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to make the best of the situation for my daughter. My family has abused me in MANY ways all throughout my life, but this was the first time my family involved my children. Whether they think I am a good parent doesn't matter. I know I am! I saw this abuse starting and I ended it. I hope in time, my family will be different and not try and start conflicts within the family, but I doubt it.😔 Big fat SIGH!!! 😒
@Clarice1933 yup! Completely agree.
Angela Stein healthy action for you and kids. Bravo!!
@@jessicalt4121 Thank you for your support! 👍 It's difficult when the children don't understand, but one day when they are older, hopefully they WILL understand.
i need a friend like you in my life lol. great video as always ❤❤ happy holidays!
I Luv the 3 second look! 👀 Have done & totally disarmed passive-aggressive behaviors. Gracias! 😄
My mom doesn't even bother with backhanded compliments; she just goes for the throat.
Same.
Haha. I know all about that. Depending on the situation, you could say "Well thank God I didn't inherit that...." and then kinda giggle and say " That is .... Whew " or " Wow". The response might be something like " What the "bleep" are you talking about? Then out right laugh and say "and the fact that you don't recognize it is".... then shake your head and laugh while saying " ahhh ha ha , I can't got to go / I need to make call/ Going to grab some food" etc.
The point is that you didn't inherit that nastiness.
I'd actually prefer that. The cowardice of backhanded compliments makes me dislike those people more.
My favorite latest, “ I didn’t recognize you with the new haircut......you really have to have the right head shape for that.”
That's not a backhanded compliment. That's just an insult.
I have a family member who excels at this. "You look so much better than you usually do!" and my personal favourite "You've hated me for years? But I haven't thought about you at all!"
I am always unsure on how to answer backhanded compliments, here are a couple;
"Your look lovely. Have you put on weight? Are you menopausal?"
"You look great. Your face looks rounder"
Your videos are brilliant and in tune with reality- the fact that you are trying to help people defend themselves from verbal attacks, rather than the usual "Learn how to rise above it" or " You are misreading the situation" approach is SO refreshing. Great stuff!
Many thanks, Nadia. I try very hard to give people the words that will help them with their own self-esteem, and help them step out of the shadows and speak.
For the menopausal question..respond I am not menopausal...it's you. (Well, I am assuming they ask if you are menopausal if they think you are being moody.)
I have a supervisor that is passive aggressive to everyone around me but he doesn't dare insult me.
I worked for an attorney before who straight up told me he thought I was a “drama starter” by only assuming and knowing me for no more than 2 months. I sat there and didn't engage. In fact, I was completely shocked to hear these words coming from his mouth, then shortly learned three employees(women) had abruptly left.😂 In hindsight, I did exactly what I should have done. Thanks for the confirmation!🤘🏼
I love this! That’s similar to what I do especially at work. But I don’t do the step of telling them they can just insult me directly. I usually tell them that what they said was insulting and then I tell them to stop being rude. When they try to say they didn’t mean it that way I’ll say that yes they did and I’m not going to argue with them. Then I disengage. If they continue to insist they were not trying to insult me then I tell them they should be more mindful of how they’re coming across and that they should brush up on their social skills. But, I like your way better because it’s more polite, so thank you! My way is a bit harsh, I think.
A friend of my mom's once told me after not seeing me for a while, "Oh,... You look so much better than what you did!" (Like, "what"?!)
I love your videos! Great talks with hilarious animations keep me intrigued and learning something new. Merci!
Thank you so much QueenTakesKing!
You're so brave to wear high heels, I couldn't pull it off if I was as tall as you.
To which I responded with a smile, "Yeah, I know. It's something called grace." ;o)
As for heels, I'm 6ft tall, and can barely pull off flats since I'm so uncoordinated! Lol
Thanks it's a special talent only high value elegant ladies can do💁🏻♀️
My mother in law at my weight loss: "Wow! You've dropped a ton!"
:( :( :( :( :( :(
Reply: I know right I’m so thankful I don’t have to worry about stubborn fat and I’m at the age where losing weight is easy
Showed my drivers license to post office worker to get new mailbox keys. He looked at my photo and said wow you look so pretty in this glamour shot this photo must have been a long time ago. SMH
Now did that really happen? Someone is REALLY that tactless????
Oh boy. Well next time if you ever have another rude situation like that again just reply, "You're no pageant winner yourself."
Haven't seen your videos in a while but I feel like I got a Christmas present when I seen this video pop up in my feed. The topic was SOOOO appropriate for the holidays!
Thanks Chew Chewy! Happy Holidays.
Dan
Ugh, this video and the comments make me cringe because I'm just one of those awkward social people who seems to always have my stupid foot in my mouth, and trying to say something nice comes out all wrong.
I suffer from extreme anxiety as I've gotten older because of it. I should maybe tattoo "not a gifted communicator" across my forehead so folks would either avoid me altogether or else remember to have a little extra grace with me?
Well Lumberjack, it appears that you are TRYING to be nice, which gives you a huge leg up on the people talked about here--who aren't trying to be nice at all. So carry on and do your best; what more can people expect of you? My guess is you're being too hard on yourself. And btw, I'd put that idea on a t-shirt, not on your forehead! :)
Dan
@@A.L.75 I absolutely agree Angeline. It comes down to intent. The mean person intends to hurt. The socially awkward person intends to simply converse, and sometimes says the wrong thing (and then apologizes if he/she unintentionally has offended). HUGE difference! And btw, your daughter can grow and become more socially graceful, but unfortunately mean people rarely change and seldom grow. They CAN, but frequently choose not to do so. Sadly. That's why we learn to deal with mean/difficult people, but the intention is not to change them--merely to train them how to treat us. That's the best we can do, right?
These are all examples of covert aggression, not passive aggression.A classic example of passive aggression is when a person makes others wait for them, shows up late, "accidentally" makes mistakes doing something they don't really want to do, so they won't be asked to do it again - things like that.
I just found your channel this week and I'm so glad I did!
One of my "faves" is "You're very attractive for your age" .
For years my mother felt the way you do. Now, at 72 she says she'll take it!
The classic back handed compliment is “ you clean up nice “ !
I like that though, I do clean up nice. I wear jeans, rain boots and a hoodie a lot, if I put significantly more effort I like the compliment.
I have said this to people I am close to as a joke, not an insult, but as a compliment. They know it is said in fun. I would never try to hurt them or anybody else and they know it. We are used to seeing friends and relatives in everyday work clothes. When they or ourselves take extra care to dress up, it is noticed and acknowledged and enjoyed.
I wore a really pretty scarf to work, I'm a cashier, and a lady told me how pretty it was & then in the next breath commented that it looks too pretty to be wearing to work!
I agree with everything. Although, I have come across many times when the passive aggressive comments can be misconstrued into something that was completely innocent. Taking the sweater example, if I were to call them out on how that was passive-aggressive, the aggressive person can easily turn around and say something along the lines of, "Oh, I ment that size and color would not look good on me, that's what would make me look like a doofus.". When this happens, it make me look like a jerk for taking a harmless comment as something aggressive. I think that is the main point of passive aggressive comments. They could be manipulated and misconstrued into harmless statements. There are some passive aggressive comments that are no doutabaly aggressive, but I think the majority of toxic people stay within the subtle jabs. How would you recommend dealing with somebody who is aggressive but does so so passively that it is impossible to ever call them out on it without looking like I'm overly defensive and paranoid?
Hi there, haven't seen you for a while, my, you look good FOR YOUR AGE. (Especially, considering the person giving you the backhanded compliment, is the same bloody age as you and has a face like a leather handbag). Just saying. 😁
I get that too! And I think it's funny that the person who says it usually looks the same age as their mother or grandmother.
If their face is that bad, then maybe the actually meant it as a huge compliment...for real.
I get this said to me often. I reply that I look EXACTLY like a 56 year old should. It's the others that haven't fared so well.
Olivia Mae I didn’t know that was disrespectful, I have said that to people before, but was unaware that it was a back handed. I would never deliberately put anyone down. Least I know that now
@@helper5530 well yes but, why not just leave it at "you look good' or you look well. In fact I'd prefer if they said nothing, than that.
Thank you! Sometimes, silence is NOT the best answer.
You have the greatest content...Thank you so much!
Thank YOU Sheldon. That was a wonderful Christmas gift.
Dan
"oh, you're a painter! that's so interesting, I could never do something like that because I was raised that you should focus on actually be productive and helping people, but that sounds fun!" --- never went back to that Christmas party....
That insult was so unveiled it could be classified as overt rather than back-handed. Probably one of the most ignorant I've heard and kudos to you for avoiding that person--and his/her parties. :)
"You have such a pretty face!" (Too bad the rest of me isn't up to par. 😏)
I've heard this 1 from a passive aggressive douche I dated. I'm pretty either a nice body but my personality isn't all that. But he couldn't leave me alone. 🙄😐🤨 smh.
My case was the opposite. I was always told that I have such a beautiful body. I thought that was a genuine compliment from a friend until she told me "what happened to your face?"
Certain people in my family are all about the, "You're looking good! Have you lost weight?" I will usually respond with something along the lines of, "Weight hasn't changed. Thanks for the compliment!" Even if I have lost weight or gotten leaner, I'm not going to feed into their idea that their chunk is superior to my chunk.
YOU ARE MY HERO!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!! And you are just in time for Christmas Eve! You are awesome!
Yes, Christmas Miracle--much like Santa Claus (well, and Jesus, of course :) )
So, this was said to me minutes before a concert by another singer:
“Oh I just love your dress... that length is coming back in fashion again”...
FruScarpia that may not be a back handed comment.
... "Hindsight is the best form of foresight." ;o)
Just tell people like that you are always fashionable.
Hi Dan, been following you in UA-cam and I'm learning a lot from you. I would like to check how if passive aggressive or backhanded compliment was done during phone conference with team members?
I have been learning from your videos thank you!
Glad to help, Jessica.
What a great video! One comment that seems to bother me (mostly in the dating scene but it seems appropriate in other situations) is when men tell me "You're pretty mature for your age" when I tell them my age. I typically date men about a decade older than me and they don't realize. that comment is a pretty good way to indicate that they think I am too young for them.
The most fun one:
Back storr - I just got an adult dobermann and a colleague had a party where he suggested me to bring my dog (I didn't want to leave her at home for longer stretches of time at first). When I arrived at the beginning of the party, with my dog, my new boss said very loudly (in the room full of coworkers): That is so surprising. Usually dogs look like their owners, but that dog is so elegant, long legged and slim. Then laughing and saying: It wasn't meant like that. I know I am small, fat and not at all elegant, so it didn't as such hurt particularly. But it was so "clever" an insult that it really stuck with me.
What an awesome Subject you Covered. I have always Not looked forward to going to visit relatives over the holidays. Because of this topic, keep up the great work.😂❤
Ok, here’s one from my stepmother aimed at me at Christmas last year. I was speaking to my nephews girlfriend who enjoys philosophy as much as I. Stepmom waltzes by and without even looking at me says, “Oh, Laura. You’re talking so intelligently”.
My mother, who is a philosophy major, has experienced that snipe once in awhile. Her answer is "thank you." And she leaves it at that . . . . :)
Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor
Thank you! I’ll use that!
You're smart for a woman...
... "AND you're not bad looking for a horse's ass." ;o)
Yeah that one is annoying. And if you get annoyed by it your a bitch.
Or... rating your contributions by saying, "Not bad for a blonde".
Hey I have a question... how do you handle it when you can see that the person is genuinely not trying to offend you with their backhanded compliment, but instead they speak from a place of innocent ignorance, but their comments are still hurtful and even non-applicable to you as the recipient? For example: I constantly worry about what we humans have done to the environment, so, one of the ways for me to feel I’m lessening my impact on the planet is by shutting off the water while I’m not using it, e.g. like when I’m combing the conditioner through my hair in the shower. So a friend of mine mentioned how my constant on/off running of the water woke her up early in the morning, so, her mom (who’s also a friend) piped up and said “oh honey, that’s because she’s from South America, so they have to learn how to save water, because water is scarce down there!” And she turns to me and says “right?” But she had this look on her face that was like “I did good?” Almost like she wanted me to back her up or validate her... I didn’t know what to say to her! All I could think was where in the world did you come up with that???? I pretty much froze , I still kindly corrected her information, but it still was such an awkward moment because here you have somebody absolutely sweet saying something completely offensive and inappropriate, yet with their best intention! What do you do in that situation?
Say what is the truth. "Actually, Miss (her name), I shut off the water because I think water is a precious resource and I don't want to waste it." That's it. You don't have to do anything but live your truth. She's ignorant -- not necessarily evil. Speak your truth and keep moving!
Yeah, she was stupid for that considering that living in a first world country is no excuse for any kind of waste.
If this is a narcissist you will make them attack you. If they are leaning sociopathic, it will come back to haunt you in a sneeky way.
I’m always afraid when I clap back and they’re quiet that the other shoe may drop any time😂
I don’t do holiday parties and I refuse to see family on holidays! I’d rather be happy! And I don’t regret choosing my happiness first lol. 😃
Good for you Lauren. ( :
Best choice I ever made too!
The painting in that room is cool!! I like it!
My list:
1. With a deeply concerned face, "Awww! you are so skinny!"
2. "You have been here so long, aren't you the manager yet?"
3. "Don't worry about what they say, you look nice anyway."
4. (After showing a learned skill), "Oh, nice! you learned how to sew! You must really have a lot of time on your hands."
5. "Oh...hey...It's nice to see you again..." (the pauses between oh and hey are indicators of an awkward feeling and the "nice to see you" says he is covertly trying to remain at ease. Emotions were stirred and he is passively saying he is not happy to see him with the "again" part.)
6. "Here, take this Panera gift card (only had 2 dollars on it), since you're not going back to college." (Yes, this actually happened to me. So fucking awkward, lol)
7. "It's never quiet around here with you, is it?" (Rhetorical and passive-aggressive simultaneously.)
8. "It's good to be you, isn't it?" (Rhetorical and passive-aggressive)
9. Lady says: "Call me Nicki...(pauses)"
(I assume correctly & interrupt)
Me: "Oh, like Nicki Minaj?" as she is saying, "Like Nicki..."
Lady with HUGE SMILE: "YES!"
Me (passive-aggressive comment): "Haha! You were just waiting for me to say that, huh?"
I have recently come across this channel and wow! The advice given is the best I have come across and more effective than the books i have previously purchased. Thank you! Do you have a book out? I would like to purchase.
Yes, I have two books-- Say This Not That (by Dan O'Connor--not "the other guy") and Energy Vampire Slaying: 101 both available at my store in danoconnortraining.com
@@TheWizardOfWords music to my ears, thanks! You are fantastic Dan and I wish you huge success.
Thanks Nat G!
Haven't watched yet, but i do this. I dont mean to, but i do. One of those things im always working on being rid of.
natural tendencies Some people are not purposefully insulting just not sensitive to how their comment may be perceived. An insulting person is like that ALL THE TIME
@@ms.5779 thank you for that. That makes me feel like less of a poopy person and reminded me, I'm a good person doing the best they can. Appreciated ♡
One top: always think about how what you say could be perceived.
"Glad we got someone to do the work." (implying the work was not being done).
My favorite passive aggressive statement that I used on a woman that wanted to break up my home. Please do not pet my dog. She hasn't had her rabies shots yet. Yes I got a terrific look and yes it shocked mine now former partner. They both were put on notice that day that I knew the game. Funny enough they both moved on and so did I.
I came back to this video because I keep thinking about something I've said before, and now I feel like a heel after I read comments on here. There have been times that I find what someone is wearing, or makeup/hair in a pic beautiful. Another example has been commenting on UA-cam videos. I've mentioned how stunning or pretty someone looks. I honestly mean it as a compliment, but I certainly hope I'm not offending them. I don't mean to say that they aren't beautiful otherwise. I just wanted them to know that they knocked it out of the park with their look. Now I'm second guessing what I've said, and I would never intend to make someone feel less than or like I'm being passive aggressive.
Katie, don't sweat it. Being passive-aggressive is largely about intention. I hope we haven't come to the point where genuine compliments are considered passive-aggressive. I hope you continue to pass out those compliments, because by and large people feel GOOD when you say something nice about them. What you're reading here in the comments is missing tone, and I'll wager that people who are offended by the "compliments" they're repeating were aware of a snide tone in the speaker--however subtle. You don't have that tone, I'm sure! So don't put yourself in that category of people who are saying one thing and meaning another. Just keep on noticing positive things about people and keep on telling them you've noticed. That's a WONDERFUL trait!
Dan
This was most insightful! 👍👍👍 I left a post with regards towards your work place bullying advice. Respectfully Thank you. Knowledge is power. 📚
This is much needed! Thanks
I am impressed. One instance that stands out for me is my sister in law who said “ we are beyond the age of shopping in the junior department “. I said “ well (her name) I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for sag harbor and their clothing is much too large for me.” (Yeah I failed lol)
I like your response better😉
"When you groom yourself, you're just as pretty as any other!" True story, a lady in my old neighbourhood...