This is a big CPTSD symptom. Look up Toxic Shame. It's not what you think it is from the heading. I avoided the heading for so long thinking this wasn't me because I'm not toxic.
All of them, plus overachiever with imposter syndrome, dissociation and partly amnesia about childhood events for ages. Never asked for anything, learned to have only minimum, overworked, highly sensitive to others, emotionally unavailable controlling double-faced mother addicted to meds, ignorant workaholic father (drunken he raged and gone mad and violent), bully sister. Youngest in the class, the best student, career, took their ignorance, blaming, shaming, lies. It's not even people-pleasing, i became their donor of energy and emotional garbage bin. Burnout at 27, health struggles and then I changed lifestyle. Now I'm 42 and learning to love myself. Plus overexplaining myself as trauma response. Lol. Thank you, your conferences helped me so much! Just want yo share that it's never too late and we can pause, have rest, seek help. But this pushing through piece really triggered me. I'm not native English speaker and the way between taught never give up had a long path of trouble, struggle and mistakes. Sometimes we need surrender and letting go so much ❤
@@karendonnelly808 thank you for reading, got emotional, could do it better but healing is messy so I leave it like that for us, survivors. Lots of grief for the losses but we are alive and voice giving to suppressed pain helps. Send you warm hearted hug and be kind to yourself!
As a woman with high sensitivity growing up in an alcoholic home, I learned all 4 habits. In my 70s I am finally learning how to meet my core needs myself... but it is a lot of work. Now doing your RESET program.
I was well fed. Lived in a nice house and was well dressed. I was not wanted( my Gran told me) My father lived abroad for the first 7 years of my life and then worked away from home to get away from my mother. I was an only child. I realise now what a strong person I became at an early age I trusted no one.I relied on my gut feelings. I was lucky to marry young and should have disowned my parents. My biggest mistake was constantly trying to prove I was a nice successful person to my mother who hated me all her life. Never held me and ran me down to her siblings and anyone else who would listen to her about her horrible daughter. Her hatred intensified in Dementia.
Oh wow, l started crying and can’t stop. It’s v hard to admit you feel no purpose or value in life but to please others. It’s left me in black hole of feeling nothingless.
Looking back I was definitely a people pleaser. I was the youngest of seven children to quite elderly parents. My parents always referred to me as ‘the baby’ which left me feeling I was more special to them. I felt my roll was to make them happy and not disappoint them in any way. There was very little money and I was a shy child who had major anxiety about our living conditions. I was really miserable but kept all my feelings to myself. I’ve suffered with low self esteem most of my life and I believe it was down to my childhood. .
Oh my God!!! It’s me! The 3 needs which were neglected + the habits I have learned to have! And you are totally right: none of them help! They just help to ruin one’s self esteem! Thank you soooooooo much for the helpful infos about the healing. 🙏🏻🌹
Oddly I became by father and my mothers emotional caretaker due to my mother’s handicap and my dad feeling overwhelmed. The burden was great and my father is still guilting us for not living near them but it’s not intentional but because of my husband’s occupation. I also became a silent people pleaser. My emotions weren’t acknowledged or valid as a child. I know my mother loved me but was mentally and physically handicapped so she couldn’t communicate in the way that I needed and my father was so absorbed in his own world and angry/depressed all the time.
Omgoodness! I resonate with all 4, but especially the pushing through and overthinking. Honestly refreshing to hear something that I have not heard before. Very insightful. Thank you!!
Well Thank you Very much A few weeks ago I suddenly realised that I had and still have emotional neglect since early childhood.. And now I'm working thru.. Thank you About " habits ", unhealthy habits - yeah, all 4 are present though part of them are in remission. Like people pleasing or controlling... Thinking thru and pushing thru in some level are still present... But it isn't some wonder.. I'm 64 years old and that is the first time when I have time, but not strength to do such work... Before it I just had to function as well as I could despite all odds
be a strong women, push all my emotions far away to the point i would deny they was there but i knew i was lying to myself but i would even push that feeling that iam lying to myself far away from myself. basically i was lying to myself never mind others. only so i didn't have to face the real me because it was rejected so often and to face it felt so scary because i learned to hate myself. how i healed was a long journey but being honest is the biggest step forward, then learning to love myself how i deserve and then finally self soothing and learning to be accountable and responsible for my own feelings and actions. that does not mean others cannot care about my feelings they can but i have to know how i feel and care first
I learnt all 4! Not allowed physical boundaries from very young. Hypersensitive to my environment and people pleaser to feel safe around my adults. Pushed through and demoted my feelings - adults couldn’t ‘cope’ with my feelings so I learnt my thoughts and feelings weren’t important. Then in a relationship from teens onwards I tried to control everything to feel safe! 😢
I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. Neglect, abandonment, everything and my siblings were more important than me. I’m 37. I wish I would have done this sooooooooo much sooner.
Thank you confronting but so helpful 🙏. It’s resonating all. I can add; health issues, hyper alertness, withdraw, avoiding issues to the list. It is a very long road to recovery. I wish every one good luck and the best wishes. We are strong and resilient 🙏💝
I learn to be controlling and Tough on the outside so no one will ever hurt me again. What a mess.... and I am 67 this coming July 1. I feel so stupid.
does this mean that we should not get our need for feeling loved and accepted from others? That sounds to me live we should, therefore, not allow ourselves into a close relationship with someone else. Your thoughts, pease.
social anxiety...no identity....feeling you don't fit anywhere
This is a big CPTSD symptom. Look up Toxic Shame. It's not what you think it is from the heading. I avoided the heading for so long thinking this wasn't me because I'm not toxic.
@@AdamNPDSurvivor Thank you so much. Yes, so ingrained in my subconscious. I am working hard with a therapist and 12 step group on this ❤💙
@@KindSJT that's great. So many people don't know what it is
Exactly 💯
@LikeThat777 💜💜
1. People pleasing
2. Pushing through (ignoring our own needs)
3. Overthinking everything
4. Trying to control everything
I do all of these. Time for some changes.
I learnt to be quiet. Please others so I could feel safe.
😮me too 😮and I AM 56 years and still trying to heal and not people please 😮
Me too - keep out of the way so I wouldn't be noticed
All of them, plus overachiever with imposter syndrome, dissociation and partly amnesia about childhood events for ages. Never asked for anything, learned to have only minimum, overworked, highly sensitive to others, emotionally unavailable controlling double-faced mother addicted to meds, ignorant workaholic father (drunken he raged and gone mad and violent), bully sister. Youngest in the class, the best student, career, took their ignorance, blaming, shaming, lies. It's not even people-pleasing, i became their donor of energy and emotional garbage bin. Burnout at 27, health struggles and then I changed lifestyle. Now I'm 42 and learning to love myself. Plus overexplaining myself as trauma response. Lol. Thank you, your conferences helped me so much! Just want yo share that it's never too late and we can pause, have rest, seek help. But this pushing through piece really triggered me. I'm not native English speaker and the way between taught never give up had a long path of trouble, struggle and mistakes. Sometimes we need surrender and letting go so much ❤
I just wanted to say thank you for your comnent. Deeply reasonating foe me. ❤
@@karendonnelly808 thank you for reading, got emotional, could do it better but healing is messy so I leave it like that for us, survivors. Lots of grief for the losses but we are alive and voice giving to suppressed pain helps. Send you warm hearted hug and be kind to yourself!
As a woman with high sensitivity growing up in an alcoholic home, I learned all 4 habits. In my 70s I am finally learning how to meet my core needs myself... but it is a lot of work. Now doing your RESET program.
Another over-70 here, just now learning. It's never too late, right? Such an insightful video, thanks, Alex!
Oh I totally resonate, I’m the same with the same upbringing xx
A core childhood need along with these 3 is to be SEEN. For who we are as people, and the qualities that we have that makes us special.
I was well fed. Lived in a nice house and was well dressed. I was not wanted( my Gran told me) My father lived abroad for the first 7 years of my life and then worked away from home to get away from my mother. I was an only child. I realise now what a strong person I became at an early age I trusted no one.I relied on my gut feelings. I was lucky to marry young and should have disowned my parents. My biggest mistake was constantly trying to prove I was a nice successful person to my mother who hated me all her life. Never held me and ran me down to her siblings and anyone else who would listen to her about her horrible daughter. Her hatred intensified in Dementia.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. ❤
Oh wow, l started crying and can’t stop. It’s v hard to admit you feel no purpose or value in life but to please others. It’s left me in black hole of feeling nothingless.
Looking back I was definitely a people pleaser. I was the youngest of seven children to quite elderly parents. My parents always referred to me as ‘the baby’ which left me feeling I was more special to them. I felt my roll was to make them happy and not disappoint them in any way. There was very little money and I was a shy child who had major anxiety about our living conditions. I was really miserable but kept all my feelings to myself. I’ve suffered with low self esteem most of my life and I believe it was down to my childhood.
.
I was a people pleaser and pushed through. I also learned to stay under the radar to feel safe, to not shine.
Yeah all 4 for me, just came across the "pushing through" dynamic this week in therapy. Lot of conflicting emotions and blockages / stock energy.
Oh my God!!! It’s me!
The 3 needs which were neglected + the habits I have learned to have!
And you are totally right: none of them help! They just help to ruin one’s self esteem!
Thank you soooooooo much for the helpful infos about the healing. 🙏🏻🌹
Oddly I became by father and my mothers emotional caretaker due to my mother’s handicap and my dad feeling overwhelmed. The burden was great and my father is still guilting us for not living near them but it’s not intentional but because of my husband’s occupation. I also became a silent people pleaser. My emotions weren’t acknowledged or valid as a child. I know my mother loved me but was mentally and physically handicapped so she couldn’t communicate in the way that I needed and my father was so absorbed in his own world and angry/depressed all the time.
Omgoodness! I resonate with all 4, but especially the pushing through and overthinking. Honestly refreshing to hear something that I have not heard before. Very insightful. Thank you!!
Well
Thank you
Very much
A few weeks ago I suddenly realised that I had and still have emotional neglect since early childhood.. And now I'm working thru..
Thank you
About " habits ", unhealthy habits - yeah, all 4 are present though part of them are in remission. Like people pleasing or controlling...
Thinking thru and pushing thru in some level are still present...
But it isn't some wonder.. I'm 64 years old and that is the first time when I have time, but not strength to do such work... Before it I just had to function as well as I could despite all odds
be a strong women, push all my emotions far away to the point i would deny they was there but i knew i was lying to myself but i would even push that feeling that iam lying to myself far away from myself. basically i was lying to myself never mind others. only so i didn't have to face the real me because it was rejected so often and to face it felt so scary because i learned to hate myself.
how i healed was a long journey but being honest is the biggest step forward, then learning to love myself how i deserve and then finally self soothing and learning to be accountable and responsible for my own feelings and actions. that does not mean others cannot care about my feelings they can but i have to know how i feel and care first
I learnt all 4! Not allowed physical boundaries from very young. Hypersensitive to my environment and people pleaser to feel safe around my adults. Pushed through and demoted my feelings - adults couldn’t ‘cope’ with my feelings so I learnt my thoughts and feelings weren’t important. Then in a relationship from teens onwards I tried to control everything to feel safe! 😢
I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. Neglect, abandonment, everything and my siblings were more important than me. I’m 37. I wish I would have done this sooooooooo much sooner.
All of them plus over achiever perfectionist who never felt good enough. Blended into the background to not be a target.
I became a people pleaser and very self-sufficient.
Yep, I learnt 1-4. Thanks Alex for your help on my healing journey
Thank you confronting but so helpful 🙏. It’s resonating all. I can add; health issues, hyper alertness, withdraw, avoiding issues to the list. It is a very long road to recovery. I wish every one good luck and the best wishes. We are strong and resilient 🙏💝
Deny emotions, push through, control, never feel safe
I learn to be controlling and Tough on the outside so no one will ever hurt me again. What a mess.... and I am 67 this coming July 1. I feel so stupid.
Well defined.
I learned to become invisible
Gosh, all of them.
all 4! ty for sharing
All of them. But I cannot do tha5 anymore. Do not have the energy.
Unfortunately the trauma is forever 💔 😢.
All of those plus social anxiety
Overthinking, cintroling, isolate, black and White projection
does this mean that we should not get our need for feeling loved and accepted from others? That sounds to me live we should, therefore, not allow ourselves into a close relationship with someone else. Your thoughts, pease.
Where does anxiety fit in?
lack camnicution lack boundaries
❤