Tell me why you love your boyfriend 🫶🏼
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- Опубліковано 17 вер 2024
- This week Dr. Annie Zimmerman is a psychotherapist, author and social media sensation sits down with me to unpack why we struggle in relationships.
00:01 Understanding your attachment system is essential for understanding your relationships.
01:47 Annie Zimmerman focuses on how past experiences impact present relationships
05:43 Babies develop attachment styles to ensure positive attention from parents for survival and security.
07:54 Attachment styles in adults are influenced by their experiences as babies.
11:44 Babies learn to regulate emotions through parent soothing
13:50 Anxious attachment styles stem from early experiences and affect the ability to regulate emotions and reactions.
17:48 Navigating anxious attachment in relationships
19:27 Understanding and processing attachment styles for healthier relationships.
22:58 Therapy is about shifting and changing your relationship with yourself, not just finding solutions.
24:38 Approaching conversations with parents about the past
28:09 Moving from toxic to secure relationships can feel boring due to the absence of intense highs.
29:54 Toxic relationships can feel addictive due to inconsistent rewards.
33:14 Unconscious influences on relationship choices
34:51 Recognize and be curious about your behavior in relationships
38:13 Creating new neural pathways requires repetition and therapy cycles.
39:58 Childhood experiences impact adult behavior.
43:20 Creating space between triggers and responses for anxious individuals
45:01 Communicating needs and setting expectations in a relationship can ease anxiety.
48:08 Understanding the guilt associated with being always accessible and eradicating people pleasing
49:39 Understanding the reasons behind bad relationships is crucial for change
I learnt so much in this episode and found it to be so valuable! If you did too I would be so grateful if you could like and subscribe!
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”I just do” is also the simple answer from people in loving relationships. But they don’t have trouble to list good things too
Good point!
Thank you!!!!
Exactly! 😊
I've been with my partner for 13 years since we were 18 and at this point it would be my initial answer too because I have loved many different elements of him at different times, but yeah like you said I could still absolutely list the things I love about him
Yeah. I am in a very healthy loving relationship for the last 19 yrs, married for 16 yrs out of the 19. He is my best friend and we just do so much together and love it. There are far too many reasons for us to be together.
But if someone asked me that question, I too would start with that answer and like you said, at further probing, I would just easily make a super duper extra long list of reasons so yeah it not that hard in a healthy relationship.
Her first answer was not the indicator of a bad relationshup, her loss of words at that question was.
Looking back at a toxic relationship of mine I used to find it really hard to write in birthday cards, Christmas cards, I thought I was just bad at expressing myself. It was my issue. Now out of that relationship and with the most amazing man ever. I wrote recently in an anniversary card and ran out of space with all the things about him and us that I love and appreciate. He is absolutely my person and most things are now easy. ❤
This is such a heartwarming comment. I haven't experienced toxic relationship(s), just not a good ones, but I'm in the same situation as you now and although people usually say "I cannot even describe how happy and grateful I am" (and I understand what they mean), I'd like to say that I could describe it. I could write a novel. I think that's the same feeling you have and it's incredibly fulfilling.
I'm so happy for you. I wish every person could experience this kind of love. There would be less hatred, misery and sorrow in this world.
Love is the best state of human mind and soul. Idk if I said it correctly cause English is not my mother's tongue.
❤❤
How long have you been with the person that you call, your person?
Did he manipulate and gaslight you? Blame everything on you?
The therapist just found a way to break them apart.
It can also be paralysis from analysis. Like when someone asks you "tell me about yourself" and you just stare at them because you don't know where to begin lol
This!!!!! Like I still won't be able to answer the "tell me about yourself" question properly how tf do you expect me to answer that on the spot?!
I feel like people who answer these questions well have been thinking about such questions a lot in their head so they already have an answer ready to go!
That’s clearly not what’s going on though or that would be the point.
Like ask: “Who are you”?
And the person freezes, their face melts, they stutters, eyes wide open and can’t answer 😂
SAME
One could argue that perhaps you haven’t taken the time to truly know yourself.
I love my boyfriend because his gentle, understanding love makes me want to be a better person. He heals my inner child and makes me face tough family experiences I’ve had to deal with. I love him because he is the best man in the world.
This is beautiful
Better not cheat on him
@@razarraz8276 I knew someone will say this 😆😆.
I'm sorry but Denholm Renholm is the greatest man in the world
was*
The flip side is that if you love someone for a reason, then when that reason goes, so does the love
But see, if there aren’t practical reasons to be loving someone (they’re kind, treat you with respect, are considerate and communicative, etc) it doesn’t really matter if they used to have those traits previously. If they no longer treat you or themselves well, then most people would probably still love that person, but unless it’s a short phase where they’re struggling, the reality is that the love is not worth keeping up because it’s no longer a healthy relationship. Obviously, if possible, it would be best to heal and move on from something like that though.
@@natalie20230love can stay, soul love, but the relationship must sometimes end.
Also is it really 'LOVE' if you're together for only ONE reason?
When you find your person usually there should be a myriad of things to admire and feel good about - granted they don't all count in the same amount, everyone has priorities and core values even.
But you get what I mean (I hope)
Exactly. People don’t really realize that some things literally cannot be expressed with words. Language is beautiful, but it’s limited. In my experience, acknowledging this actually makes some things in your life a lot clearer.
"I just do" - I love everything about him. His vices and virtues. I love who he is, what he does, what we do together and hearing him speak of future. So I just do
That's a different" I just do "than the one they're referring to - I just do, but I can't really tell you why.
@@noorashiraz9046 of course, that's what I also wanted to point put. "I just do" can mean all sorts of things, depending on the nature of the relationship, people... But in the end, it's really an important thing one should absolutely ask oneself and the partner too (might I add)
Then you need to say that 😅 rather than “I just do” haha
@@focusedallday5620 when you show your partner you love him every single day, then simple words suffice.
@@anamarijag.3512 Yes so true.. once a therapist ruined my relationship by making me doubt on him.. i have lost trust from therapists from that day on
'His family is nice' and 'my family like him' was the reasons for me. If you really are in love with someone then you know why you love him.
Not necessary, ego,challenge...
@@aartishah7988 Self respect and state of affairs
What are some examples
@@xoxjelloxox That varies per person of course😊 If you find the one then you know why.
@@xoxjelloxox you'd like specific things that he does for example, " I like the way he always listens to me, with 100% focus" " I like the sound of his laugh" etc. why you like someone should be something that you can speak of very easily.
“I just do” depends on the context. For me, it has summed up how I feel for the people I have continued to be utterly captivated by when I can’t seem to articulate why because it seems there is no other reason aside from their mere existence and exactly who they are in every way.
YES! The basic pull and attraction to another. Unconditional love vs conditional reasons that could go away.
Exactly! Your comment is on point.
Love is intangible and transcendent, beyond physical reason so I think the therapist needs a therapist too. Having tangible reasons to love a person is a red flag. A way a person makes you feel; loved, peaceful, happy, energised, inspiring, liberated, true self, motivated etc are green flags.
Stay blessed 🙏✌
Absolutely, love! Love os intangeble and transcend!
But those are all reasons why you love someone. No one said it had to be tangible.
Excellent point I Absolutely Agree with your reply, I share similar thoughts and Sentiments, perfect 👌 reply.
@@Lily-ni2mb exactly
Those are reason why you love someone, the therapist would also said something if she had say because is pretty or he have a good job.
If you can't even say one thing, like you say I like the way he make me feel, how honest he is etc that are valid reason
I thought about 7 different things as soon as you asked that question but my #1 thing is his character. He's just the best person I've ever encountered. He's polite, kind, caring, but he's also protective and strong.
To me " I just do" Is like the purest form of love anyone can give. Because if you love them for a reason or reasons , you might run out of reason one day and love dies. Love is a feeling that has to be given unconditionally. It does its thing and makes the person you love give that back to you again. Of course with the right person❤
You love them for their strengths and flaws because being with them somehow brings out the best in you. There are always specific characteristics that make you fall in love with someone, especially those small moments they might be unaware of. However, if you're struggling to express what made you fall in love with your partner in the first place, it might be time to reconsider🙂
It used to really bother me that I couldn’t enjoy sweet love songs about the man I loved. Because he didn’t have any of the wonderful qualities of which love songs are comprised 😸so easy to love him, impossible to like him. I’m glad he dumped me and utter devastated me so I could see I loved him because I was chasing after my unkind dad to love me and was choosing a nasty bully that I could get to love me to try and make up for it. Mental. But an excellent lesson I won’t need to learn again.
How insightful ❤ repeat no more
Hope it's getting better for you
Chasing after love songs won't find you a life-long partner.
Your comment really helped me tonight, in a way I can’t fully express at the moment but thank you thank you.
I am currently in the depths of a sudden and painful breakup, though the relationship itself wasn’t much better. The rollercoaster of acceptance and grief is profoundly intense. Thank you for reminding me that there is relief on the other side.
❤Very insightful !
I love him because he is handsome, emotionally mature, fiercely protective of the people he loves, outgoing and friendly to everyone, he’s creative and has an eye for art, he knows a lot about animals from training dogs and growing up on a farm, he isn’t afraid to do things badly if he enjoys them, but he’s good at most things, he loves food and he’s a great cook, he’s one of the smartest people I’ve met, he loves to learn, he goes out of his way on a regular basis to help people, he has boundaries and doesn’t let everyone walk all over him, he works hard, he loves babies, he is is committed to me and working things out, and I don't deserve him.
Edit: I don't deserve him because I used to be an abusive partner. I began to hurt him verbally, emotionally, and physically. But he didn't give me the authority to ruin his life. He is a Christian, so his identity was secure in Jesus and he was willing to step away from me even if it hurt. He made sure I understood he would always love me unconditionally, but his ability to be present to the degree that we could do life together was dependent on my willingness to change. So he removed himself from the situation when it was dangerous for him. I lived with my parents, so when we weren't talking because I needed to get some real help, he would call them to check up on me and to support them (Lord knows I caused my parents heartache too). I did get help. And we gave things another go. And now I have people in my life to keep me accountable, people who care about the two of us, who know my history, and who won't always take my side. People say abusers can't change, and that's not true. My fiancé gave me a chance to repent. I can never take away the things I did, and it will always be a sad part of our story. But he gave me a chance to write the next chapter, and what's more, he wanted to write it with me. We are engaged and getting married sometime in the winter. Long story short, neither of us deserve each other. We both have to give each other second chances every day. But we have a policy of grace. It is only through Jesus' sacrifice that we have hope for a future, He truly restores and heals.
I don't understand your last words:
You don't deserve him? Why not?
Pls explain
I am "autistic", I take things litteral.
The rest that you wrote is very beautiful, ThankYou
Really a good frame
I have an inspiring person in my life like that too
But he could grow in some of the qualities you discribe
He's very handsome and I think he will become more beautiful as he grows older because wisdom and experience is sexy too, emotionally he is not mature yet ( I say) but very sensitive with a big warm heart.
But a bit shy still, lets say.
But I love him because I think he is original and unique,
one of a kind, funny, funky, quirky, also a very good cook.
❤
I feel the same way about my husband too. He is the nicest person I ever met. Thinking he is a better person than me gives me inspiration to be a better person.
Omg ,i feel the same!❤😊❤
@@Sdority905How wonderful!!!❤❤🎉🎉
You'd better change your mind about deserving him!!
Bro WTF. This is a 60 second clip with SO MUCH WISDOM. Omg every word in this little clip is POWERFUL.
Agree💯🎯✔️
@@itakarerio2821 And you know that how?
It’s basically useless to be honest, nothing with getting all “Bro WTF” over that’s for sure.
The question is a trap. You are giving this therapist the power to decree which answer is acceptable or not. It’s completely arbitrary.
I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship because of his family. They represented the life I dreamed of as a middle schooler growing up in a struggling single-parent household. They provided the validation and acceptance I longed for my entire life. Leaving was incredibly challenging, but I'm proud of myself for making that decision ❤️ My body was always in a state of fight-or-flight around him, and his treatment of me was unacceptable.
I've done this before....loved the family so much but he treated me like absolute garbage (this was my early 20s)
@@LS-ry5ey I'm also in my early 20s having had experienced this, what did you do to cope? What was next for you?
Maby he felt it, that you didn't love him the way you loved his family or that you didn't love him at all. You just wanted him, because of his nice family. And that could have made him angry. ..
I love my boyfriend because he is him. In all his glory. Both the good and the bad (and the annoying lol). I can't imagine loving someone else tbh. He's my rock, my sunshine and my best friend. We've been living together for 2 years now.
If he really loves you he would marry you and see the value in you before touching your body and moving you in.
I love my husband because I choose to love him. It is an active and concious choise. Why I originally chose him to be the one I love still applies, but now my primary reason is because I promised to continue making that choice. There is a depth that is missing in this clip that brings so much satisfaction and security, and I am really happy as a side effect of these choices.
❤
Generic
What was the original reason
I'd also say it when fidelity is in question. I choose to be faithful. Because it really is a conscious choice. Nobody will ever convince me that's not the case.
Commitment is the cornerstone! or one of them. Too often this is missing from the conversations these days. It’s all about lists and qualities you want and ”bring to the table”, as if relationship is only a transaction. But i hope this is ovestatemen and i’ve just seen bad content recently.
For me, that's love, when you dont need to have a reason to love someone, you just do
I agree. You just do. Chemistry or something
Everything has a reason.
It helps to have a reason even if it changes every now and then.
Cause thats what makes your partner unique to you and your heart among everyone else.
A few years ago when I asked myself that question, I couldnt answer it. There was nothing aside from being a mediocre provider. It was a very sobering moment.
Sometimes we just love... to have someone by our side. To give our life to someone and to feel seen. Like there's this void in our heart that we need to fill, a role to be played by someone. But then we are in love with this role, this type of feeling, this way of being - not that person in particular. We just want to experience ourselves in a certain way, to feel warm, complete, important, affectionate, loved and alive. To feel like we exist and are good enough and mean something to someone. To feel grounded and validate our existence. It's a desperate need for self-love coming from the deep inside, just camouflaged as chasing a relationship with someone else. When we heal the wounds of our childhoods, we can finally be good on our own, give ourselves the love and care that we needed, and truly appreciate the right people for who they are, not just for being a potential fix for our withdrawal.
@Husdere well put 🙏🏽. I think I want him back to fill this void of being with someone or filling the void in my life. 😭
@@Hunsderewow great words! Insightful.
i feel like a lot of people see a human-shaped hole next to them and just want it filled. in actuality, that hole is inside us. it's what makes us feel lonely and pushes us to go look for our "filler" person. some people discover that after they find a "filler" person that they still feel empty and the person they're with also has their own hole that they can't get rid of. I guess that works out for some people because misery loves company, but usually that's not the case.
@@rainiminiatures2184 Oh, 100%. Everything begins with the self. If we can't validate ourselves we'll look for it in other people, but never find it.
He makes me feel calm! I can sit next to him in silence we can talk without words I feel him.. sometimes that’s really scary yet most of the time nothing feels better?!
Beating the dead horse getting lost in the semantics. I just do is perfect, it is so much behind that, mostly if you don’t care about making a list. To me this translates. Into loving at an energetic level, unconditionally. Like the way we love our kids.
Why do we love our kids?
Same goes for why do you love your partner if you truly love them.
Now if you find emptiness behind these words, it is a different matter, the issue is you are co fused with yourself
It's not about emptiness in those words but more about keeping an open mind that maybe as humans we are not meants (or always meant) to love romantically the same way we love our kids?
not to mention that 1) there is always many exceptions like people not loving their kids at all and 2) love is such a complicated topic, it can mean different things to everyone of us
Conditional, unconditional, romantic, friendly..
And why would conditional forms of love be inherently bad and unhealthy? like some people make it out to be
It's wonderful and right to love kids unconditionally. But with romantic partners it can be a whole other matter
@@MyCrystalSwan I kind of agree with this. Commenting in case others have opinions/debates on this.
@@nellieshoalsIdk. When I love conditionnaly I feel like I do not love fully.
there r different types of relationships,connections...some are a soul connection....i just do, is appropriate.
Exactly. Imagine being made to justify why you love a food dish over another or one car over another. Putting things into words is like describing everything by its colour and only its colour. Its just one aspect. And almost at any time when we open our mouths to speak, what we have to say is wrong. It’s made up. Or is it. Things are much deeper than just your car sucks because it’s red. No it doesn’t. I can change the colour… the 2 people are communicating much more than the options offered by literal translation. They might not even be talking about cars at all. It’s not even semantic, it’s bs.
He is my daughters father and I’ve truly learnt what unconditionally loving someone is.
This is how I feel about people who don't give a reason for breaking up other than "connection is missing something."
Not to be contrary but “I just do” is the truth. I can list dozens of things I like *about* someone but still not be in love with them. That deep connection that people keep describing as “unconscious” or even toxic (!!!) is actually the connection that you’re looking for and will keep looking for even if you’re with someone who “meets the conscious criteria”.The truth is that you actually are looking for someone to be with who has that potential to fit your pathologies because that is actually the only thing that has the potential to heal them. The part we still suck at is actually doing the healing with and for one another. But we can learn that. That’s what the conscious mind is for in a relationship - to make a choice to start and learn something different rather than behave in our urges all the time and mess things up and deepen the wounds.
Well said!
My therapist asked me this so much. I could never answer it. I have just left a very toxic relationship, and it's time to stop wasting time and energy on him, and it's time to work on me.
He heals me truly from all the pain I experienced in the past
He can do almost everything
His skills are unbelievable
He is honest
When something is hard he figure it out for us both
He is never agressive
He is always solution oriented
He always has a smile for me even if I am sad
He supports me
He supports my business
He has this positive, protective strong man energy
He still suprises me after years
When he does something stupid he cares
We are doing projects together, we are growing together we are both good for each other and we know that.
Beside this point, I think its important to acknowledge that thinking of why you lov someone is always going to take a moment longer than negative thoughts and its not because they are any less true or vibrant. Caring and loving has more complex thought tied to it than dislike. When I think of why I love my favorite people I stop to think and a fast flashing story goes around in my head and the description is not simple. If I were to just blurt out a consice reason it wouldnt feel as genuine and deep as my love actually is. Ill try now. Thinking quickly Id say I love my husband cause he is a happy person. That was hard to do quickly just now cause thats not even why I love him haha. Id ponder the feeling he gives me and say that he is a gentle soul, loves deeply, lives for fun, and he just feels like you are in the presence of an angel with his lack of jade and distain for life. While thinking about why you dont like someone isnt usually concluded with as much delecacy. Someone may not be right for you. But its also not easy to get to know the part of yourself that can observe deeply your own feelings, esspecially gratitude. I practice deep gratitude with my kids every day because its a sad thing to grow up without. You may never learn it later when you are calloused. Having someone just answer "I dont know, just because" is as much a sign of their own lack of emotional intelligence as it is a sign that theyre with the wrong person, if not more.
He makes me feel seen. He is caring and sweet. Humble. And wants to do things with me and helps me push myself.
Wow. I'm a bit different. I love my partner because of his character. He is one of a kind. A true individual who marches to the beat of his own drum. He is intelligent, courageous, prideful and spirited, very funny and direct. He is perhaps the most authentic person I know. 😊
I love your answer. You two clearly meet each other on so many core levels that it radiates into your comment. 💕✨️
I look back at my last relationship and the reason i "loved him" is because he was so needy and pathetic; he needed someone to love him.
It was 1 year and 1 day ago today that the police came to my rescue after he put his fist up in my face. I sent an email to the cop yesterday thanking him and telling him i left and have done the work i needed to never go back.
That cop called me this morning. He was so glad and so thankful for my email. We had a good chat, and it felt really great.
If you don't love someone for healthy reasons, it cannot be a healthy relationship.
i wish my therapist had asked me this a few years ago. Could have saved me a lot of pain and trauma. She had a good therapist
He's super respectful... No matter what mistakes I make sometime🌸
First and foremost. Your heart. I love how selfless your heart is and the love it holds for others. I love how you want to help others and make the world a better place. I love how you try to be there for anyone regardless on how it may effect you or what you are dealing with. Second, I love the way you carry yourself your smile literally woos me everytime, and you know I could go on and on about your eyes. I love how you are so free spirited and live for life with a joy in which I haven't seen before. Even seeing you dancing last night watching you enjoy the music throughout your soul it was so beautiful. Third, I love how your mind works YESS TISM AND ALL, I adore listening to you talk about your passion for engines and all the interesting things you share with me. I love seeing you light up speaking about it. I love how you even have ADHD and even though you are forgetful I love that I love that you try to remember, and can get distracted cause I know you don't mean to. I love how smart you are and how knowledgeable you are about things. I literally just wanna pick at your mind and understand it more and more. It's so encapsulating. Fourth, I love your style it's so unique and it just suits your personality perfectly, I always love the little outfits you have and how you where them with confidence, truly breathtaking. Fifth, you're literally a work of art, - As much as I know (I'm a guy and my opinions don't mean shit because I'm a guy and not a girl) I will forever see you as a work of art and do everything in my power to convince you of it. Your eyes for starters wow I could stare at them like I stare at the stars with wonder and awe. Your height even tall you're so beautiful I couldn't imagine you any other way ever. Your hair how beautiful and puffy it is the curls and the way it lays upon your shoulders. Just WOW. your smile which I've already said I love it and it brings such joy to my being. I just everything about you. Truly I cannot emphasize this enough. A work of art. I love how you are to me. I love that you want to spend time with me. I love that you want to keep me up just so you can ve with me. I've never had that and it makes me feel so cared for and wanted around. I love how you see me and how you are patient with my annoying tendencies how you can listen to me and actually take in what I'm saying. I often feel unheard and not listened to how I want to be and you make me feel that I'm listened to. I love how you say you just want to hold me it's only been a DREAM of mine for my entire life for that to be as such. I love how you want to watch me play games and watch me be a goofball and not say "I'm too much" or "I'm extra" you laugh and smile and the way you look at me when I do. I just. AHHHHHHH I love when you will talk with me and be honest with me about my problems and how I fuck up. I love that you're willing to see it from more than just your perspective and that you're able to be transparent with me in general. I love your honesty I love how humble you are about yourself and that you know you could always improve as a person. I love that you take accountability for fuck ups. I love how you are willing to hear me out when I have problems even though in the past I wasn't as communicative as I should have been.I love when you will talk with me and be honest with me about my problems and how I fuck up. I love that you're willing to see it from more than just your perspective and that you're able to be transparent with me in general. I love your honesty I love how humble you are about yourself and that you know you could always improve as a person. I love that you take accountability for fuck ups. I love how you are willing to hear me out when I have problems even though in the past I wasn't as communicative as I should have been. I love how communicative you are with me. It's so rare. I love how supportive you are of me and how understanding you are. You truly make me feel at peace and it makes me feel far happier than I've ever felt in my life.
She then replied with this "I'm not quite sure what to say back but thank you" she never got back to me on it. Never elaborated on any of it. She's now grown distant from me and gets upset when i ask her general questions. I've learned she doesn't feel the same way, not even close. It went from a two-way contribution to me just here.
It pains me so much, but it's reality.
deadass the most beautiful thing i’ve ever read. i’m just saying you deserve someone who appreciates all of you. don’t let anybody take your words for granted. keep being you
@frozerus I appreciate your graciousness. I honestly always feel like I don't deserve shit. I try to remain humble because I'm definitely not perfect I got my problems. Some of which I don't even see and it sucks because I want someone who can be honest eith me about them so I can learn from them and grow to be a better man. Shits hard though haha
You shared some beautiful words and sentiments, sounds like she didn't know how to receive, but she had shown you love and support til then. Work on her self esteem issue
@suzanam5872 so you think she's pulled away because of the self-esteem issue? Whenever her and I first started speaking with one another, she had been sharing her life with me, and I came to learn she's never been shown real love or genuinely cared for. I made a promise to her that I'd give her what she's never had, and the more I interacted with her the more I felt drawn towards her. The more I felt inspired to be the person I'm meant to become. I don't think I'd just feel that for anyone. Or for anyone that would be just a page in the book of my life. Part of me still wants to fight, but I'm not sure what I should do. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to talk to me about this and share our perspective.
My heart opens when i read your text.
Its beautiful, but with the information that she has self esteem problems i can understand that its a lot to process ;) i mean those are 100 reasons why u love her, not 5 :p
How would u have liked her to react?
Boy this short little UA-cam clip had everything I laughed I cried I never wanted it to end
I truly feel enriched and now a larger person as a result of listening to this blather.
What if someone asked you why you loved your child?..
There are thousands of reasons. If you can't think of one, you don't know them.
@@chelseahart3770I get what they are saying. Like the moment you conceive your child you love them even more they are born or know anything about them. You just love them!
@@chelseahart3770 there can be many things about the person that you admire and love about them. But someone can tell you those are not great reasons to love someone and beyond those reasons you still know that you love them even if the person keeps changing as they grow older. Same with your kid. You love them beyond words and they didn't even do anything yet. Then they grow and you start learning more about them a loving the unique things about them. Then they turn into teenagers and tell you they hate you, but you still love them. Then they outgrow their teenage years and become a very different person from when they were kids and you still love them. It can be applied to your spouse as well. I hope I explained my point a bit better
Not comparable. Your love for your child is transcendent. But don’t be a div when you’re choosing a partner.
@@AsMr-km6ex it was an example, that you can love another person for a reason, as well as, beyond any reasons. While all kinds of relationships take work, love is a gift. It's not transactional
I love my husband for simply being him.
His presence brings me peace. I respect him as a man naturally for his overall character. While he grounds me, he also has a magic about him. I say this after 18yrs of marriage.
If I asked why someone loves me and they stated my behavior, that would concern me bc their love is contingent. What happens when they see me on my bad days? What happens if I become disabled and can no longer engage in those same behaviors and require more out of them? I will not be the same person in many ways 10 yrs from now, will I continue to be loved as I change and grow?
Idk... I don't see "I just do" as being a problematic answer.
I disagree. If you have a list of reasons to love someone, your love is conditional. And when at some point of time those conditions change, your love for that person will likely change. That is not true love. True love doesn't have reasons. It just happens without reasons because you are connected to your partner at a soul level. You are in love with your partner without conditions, just pure unconditional love. But sadly, a love like this seldom exists in today's world...
All romantic love is conditional. You might have an experience of shared humanity with other people which could be called love, but that doesn't mean you want to bed the humanity and have everyone's babies.
Or the reasons may constantly change. What he did yesterday that you love about him today may be different from what he did last year that made you love him then.
Well said, thank you
When I truly loved someone (just by looking at him without knowing anything about him) I realised that I loved my current partner at that time conditionally, because he was loving, caring, handsome… But the other man I just saw I love him by default you just know. Then I understood what all the movies are talking about. Unconditional love❤ It is real!
I know my comment probably looks cheesy but what I describe has been the most profound realisation/moments of my life. True love takes you to another dimension
I love him because he’s patient, sweet, kind. I love him because he makes me feel beautiful, and needed. I love him because he’s creative and fun. He takes risks and starts new things. He’s charming and takes care of himself ❤
Hear this.. how about loving unconditionally. If I can tell a reason I love you, then what happens when that reason isn't there anymore? What do I do?
There's so many reasons I know this relationship is the right one, but being able to list the things that make him such a great person, is so easy for me. I knew my past relationships were wrong which is why I never stayed, but it's been 4 years with the best man I know and I could sit here and talk about him for days. This man saved my life in more ways than one and I will spend the rest of my life, trying to be half as great as he is 🥰
Love this so much! Thank you for sharing 💛
Great question. If you love someone there will be a whole list of reasons. 👍
I find it funny that people are saying they'd struggle to say anything. I can immediately list reasons straight off the top of my head. If I paused it would simply be to gather my thoughts before speaking. All my toxic or bad relationships I couldn't have told you at the time, they were purely just the same old story playing out each time with new people.
I have a lot of conflicts with my boyfriend due to different backgrounds and upbringing. But I love him so much because even if he can be so insufferable, stubborn and impatient sometimes he will still be there if I am doing bad, he will stay awake with me for as long as his body can allow him to calm me down, he will give me his last cent if I need it and just borrow money to survive, he wants to solve all my problems physical and emotional and even after I hurt him terribly he still chose me and forgave me even if my mistake was unforgivable for many. He still gave me a chance and worked through the hurt just to stay with me. He is working hard for the relationship just like I do and that's why I love him so much even if sometimes I really feel like things are too difficult for us but it is still worth it.❤
"I just do" sounds like it could be unconditional love. That's actually wonderful. If you need something outside of you to love actually is more needy. Consider it.
I just like what penguins say: “Doo be doo be doo.”
sometimes we have never sat back and thought about why in the current moment. In the beginning there would be clear reasons why you fall in love but it becomes less prominent over time. It could be patience, caring, leaning in, communication, affection, trust, nurtured inner confidence
I disagree, it’s possible to love someone without specific reason. Love can be complex and mysterious emotion, and it can develop in many ways. Sometimes we are simply drawn to another person in a way we can’t fully explain or understand
I believe that. And maybe diving into understanding it and trying to explain it is not inherently a bad thing for us and everyone involved
I see your point, but I don't think they're saying it's not real love if you can't give reasons for loving someone. I think the question they were trying to answer with this discussion was how do you distinguish between healthy love and unhealthy/toxic love. And what she was explaining was to reflect upon your own reasoning. Which I think is a great way of getting to the bottom of what is true. Just like how we question our opinions and belief and the reasons and arguments for why we have them. It's to make sure we are making the best decisions, decisions which are in our favor and in favor of the ones we truly love. But you gotta put yourself first.
@@ferghallvlaun4300exactly 💯
Being drawn to a person doesn’t mean that you love them. People with unhealed trauma are drawn to abusers and unhealthy relationships. It can go both ways, but loving someone is a choice. You choose to spend time and energy, physically, emotionally.. and it can be healthy or unhealthy. Sometimes it’s lust, infatuation, or just not wanting time be alone.
There are so many people who may not love their partner or question their love or aren’t sure but they stay with them because they would rather be in a mediocre or unhealthy situation, then be single
@@eljofrva Insightful. I agree. Maybe even that "choice" of love could just be not so arbitrary after all, when you account for those unhealthy reasons from the past that can draw people to want to spend time and energy on other people
Asked her this one day and received the I love a lot of things about you answer... Then, she mentioned some things she liked that I did, but not me directly. I knew immediately where I stood with her... 😢 Better late than never...
Consciousness & awareness are two different things
Didn't hear a word. The hair is just beautiful. I'll go back and listen now.
I often ask myself if I love my TF bc he is just like me so I love myself? I love him bc of all his soul is. Geez I could go on for hrs why I love him. Hope she finds that true love with her conscious mind.🌹❣️
Love isn’t passion. Love moves from the heart to the head and it’s your job to put it back in the heart. Your answer was fine, we aren’t suppose to quantify people. People are more than what they can provide and are.
The women who described the unconscious mind in the driver seat is brilliant
“I just do” is the perfect answer especially if you have a smooth relationship. The best kind of love is the love that does not depend on things the other person has to do. That’s unconditional love. If u love someone based on the list u have about what they do right or wrong then it’s not really that deep. It would evaporate in the instant those attributes vanish.
Wow excellent explanation about how our unconscious runs us. I’ve never heard it put quite this way before. Absolutely right and well said!
Thank you so much for listening 💛
"I just do" was actually a great answer because when you list or quantify it, the minute those this are affected the love is most times gone
I think people of all ages are finally figuring out that dating people just to have someone is a complete waste of time.
Stay single, work on yourself, heal your wounds, work on your health, travel, cultivate real life long friendships, discover new hobbies, try new things.
Make an extremely detailed list of everything you want from a partner. Then go and work on every single attribute on your list. Like attracts like.
I’m finally seeing men do this also. People are learning that it’s okay to be alone. There is so much more to life than romantic relationships.
I guarantee you in the midst of just living your best life God will bless you with your partner!!!!
I'm friends with someone i would love to be in a relationship with, and when you asked that question I immediately had thousands of things I could say that she makes me feel and that we have in common, and that she does. I'm slightly in love. But she is in a relationship, and it makes her so happy. I want to cry
Fabulous advice and hair
“I just do” is an extremely complex answer I got to in years. Loving unconditionally despite their flaws is liberating. Sure I can list qualities but I don't condition my love on qualities and flaws.
Also loving someone and being in love with someone are very different things.
Disagree completely. If you love your SO for specific reasons and those things go, then the reason for loving them goes with it
Love doesn't need reasons
But if you love them why would it be hard to think of things you love about them? Won't your love find new things about them to love every time?
@@heartears I think we’re talking about two different things here
There are only two types of love that are completely unconditional: motherly/fatherly love and codependent. Choose wisely
@@Angie_suvThat is totally incorrect
I just do can be apart of the reason why I love my boyfriend. There’s just this feeling I get where I always feel I’m on the same wavelength as him. We bounce things of each other really well, we have healthy arguments where we both either agree were both sides are coming from or if we don’t agree, come to mutually agreement that we don’t agree. The energy of it is very compatible and flowing. I’m able to be 100% of myself around him, it’s not hard. That’s not to say there’s not challenges but I view it as things we can learn, either for me to adjust to them or for him to grow and probably vice versa.
So when you love someone, should you have a list of qualities to give about them? I thaugh love was without reasons Appart loving their presence, their kids and without interest
Think more like why do you love your friends
I can name a hundred reasons why I love my bestfriends but in a meh relationship I’d get the same kind of idk
Chemistry and limerence are apt descriptions of "love without reason".
Excellent brief reasoning but strait to the point! Loved it!❤
If someone enjoys spending time with someone that’s not bad
Attachment Styles are so much more important than 5 Love Languages. Thank you Amir Levine!
Love is natural. You don't look for too much.
Yes! 👏🏽 👏🏽
Too many people stay in wrong relationships due to family expectations
And this is how therapists ruin relationships.
he makes me feel safe, he is attractive to me at all times, he makes me feel understood, he shows his feelings for me in his actions not words, he commits to obligations we make together, he wants to be a better man and provide for me, he believes friendship is the foundation of the relationship and works to maintain that...
Love is not EXCHANGE…
You can love someone without being in a relationship with them.
Love is a one way street. It’s when the person we love, loves us back and you both see a better future together that you should commit to one another. But that love should never be based on what they do or who they are, it should be a choice and a commitment. Feel free not to.
you don't know how much i needed to hear this
Idk unrelated, but both of these women are very pretty in their own way and that somehow makes me feel better in my own skin ❤
I love my bf cuz he's the nicest person I've ever met that really cared about me and clearly takes time to understand me before going to conclusions which most people do. Because of that, I love him more and find him cute cuz he's trying to be perfect. But most of all, he encourages me to be myself.
This is wrong. We love people because of who they are, and that's hard to put into words. It doesn't mean you don't love them or they're the wrong person. I love my nephews and my dog. I can't tell you why. This is terrible advice.
"I just do"......can have really deep connection ..
My therapist asked me "what do you receive from friendships and relationships, other than the satisfaction to give?"
Ive been trying to piece together my shattered brain since then
Ew oh no
To my potential being in the same boat but not to you
I love that she didn’t say “I was like … he was like … she was like”😅 very articulate.
When people used to tell me how nice my boyfriend was I could never answer yes is true becouse at the time he was not as nice to me ...
I can understand your feelings completely ❤️ My ex behaved differently around others compared to how he treated me. Initially, things were good between us, but over time, he started making disrespectful remarks, and his behavior remained unchanged. This made me feel a mix of fight-or-flight responses whenever I was around him during the last three months of our relationship. Initially, I tried addressing it, but he either didn't grasp the issue, got defensive, or would apologize without any real change. It seemed like he either didn't recognize the problem or chose not to acknowledge it. That wasn't acceptable to me. I was constantly anxious about potential rude remarks or outbursts from him. Even hearing others praise him made me anxious and knotted my stomach. Eventually, I realized that ending the relationship was the right choice, as his behavior had crossed into emotional abuse ❤️ You're not alone in this ❤️❤️
thank you. I just realized all the people I have felt”love” for was just me wanting to fix them. I want a love with a man I don’t have to fix!
I dont care until palestine is free 🍉
As a man, saying "I just do" is a wonderfully simple way of encapsulating how you feel about someone.
It's giving, "finance, blue eyes", honestly.
“I just do” are the exact words a loving relationship would produce, lots of definitive descriptions would probably mean more of a problem, as they are the attributes you love, and not actually the person.
The LOVE is exactly that. Or you want to answer ,, Becouse he has money"
That’s deep and so true. Awakening to your own bs is a beautiful thing
True example of looking fr problems when they dont exists lol
so so so true. also if what you or your partner says can be translated to "they do this for me" it's also a wakeup call, because you or they can be replaced by anyone who can do the same thing. we don't fall in love with people because of the things/people they surround themselves with or the things they do for us, but for who they are. If we don't even know what we like about them as a person, how can we be sure we even like them?
How is that even possible? They love wasting their lives....
I love him because he makes me feel loved. He reminds me that I am special and worth it. ❤ oh and he calls me sparkly ✨
ur trauma picked them
That is true often, but it also depends on the culture you're in and on the philosophical perspective that you have on life.
I don't understand people looking for "why they love a person" and the same people would say emotions are not logical... Love is an intense emotion idiots
Infatuation comes first which is the strong feeling that overtakes one completely. This infatuation can last a short or a veery long time and after it settles down a bit it transitions into love, but if there is no basis for a long term relationship this love will fade away. If both of you don't find certain aspects of eachother that you like and appreciate this love will wither away. If there is a basis and you both maintain the relationship and work on it love will stay and even grow.
Wow! I can totally write a book on my husband ❤
Did he love you enough to buy you Doritos in the middle of the night?
or may be real love is not quantifiable
Yes! When I was in an abusive relaitonship my friend asked me the same question and I had the same response. That moment helped me get out.
In marriage you really have to learn to love someone in spite of all the reasons not to.
Too bad many people aren’t ready to put in the work and it’s easier the them to leave.
You can’t ever quantify , or put a finger on why you love the one you love , that feeling is measured by your heart , the way you feel inside .
Your feelings for the one you love can never be put to words , because only you know , why you love and your in love with that person 💖
This analysis is deeply flawed. The "reason" women love men often involves a lot of naked greed and exploitation. Some gain they get by the association. Female nature isn't very flattering so an honest answer typically points to something the man does for them/gives them, rather than something about the human being himself. Sadly.
So theres no real revelation here. If you were guarded about your "real" answer it won't have been because you didn't know/couldn't think of a good reason. It will have been because you don't want to be honest about the real reason. Because it wouldn't reflect well on you.
Just being real and cutting through the female BS.
Looks like you have a poor opinion of yourself. So you attract likewise females.
thats what you like to think because you are poor and you feel helpless.
@@elise9537 No, I'm very comfortable thanks.
Just cutting through the BS and being real. ☺
@@elise9537actually it's pure truth, you can't comprehend that because u r trying to be "politically correct"
@@NavasAp-ie6bn actually my jokes are often the opposite of PC. if your mom would have cared about money only she wouldnt have married your dad.
My protector asked my toxic narc ex “best friend” why she loved me. She couldn’t answer. Then after being given examples, she listed everything I was doing FOR her. I loved characters I thought I saw in her. It was so messed up and hurtful, yet so eye opening.
And it's all bullshit.
I was asked this by a therapist once. I had the same answer, I just do. But then I was given time to think about it, then I had all kinds of answers. The problem then is that, a lot of the reasons why I love him, sound like the bare minimum. (Like, hes always there for me. Makes me smile. He shows he cares, ect.) And since all I can list is "bare minimum", I supposedly don't actually love him. Hes just a good guy, and I can do better and should look for someone else.
But...why? Its been established hes a good guy. I'm not striving for perfect, I love him because he is who he is, we met when we did, we clicked like we did, and things have been great ever since. Why would I ruin it with the idea I could find better, when I don't even want better, I want what I already have because I love it already.