I realised I was attracted to women after 25 yrs of a heterosexual marriage. I spent 18 mos of therapy, both with an affirming regular therapist and an LGBTQ therapist, trying to come to terms with it and figure out how to proceed forward. I became SO stuck and it was wreaking havoc on my mental health. A few months ago, I started seeing an affirming chaplain, and hallelujah, I just recently made a breakthrough and came unstuck. Now I feel calm and confident about the path I need to take. As a religious person, I needed to address the religious elements of my struggle and my chaplain helped me to do that. God wants me to be my whole, queer self.
Also, congratulations Nate and Susie. You have done such a great job with the podcast. I have found it SO beneficial in my journey. Thank you and blessings to you both. Merry Christmas.
So are you into both? Like still enjoy your husband but find women attractive as well? If the answer is yes then what's the struggle? Meaning why not stay with your husband?
@@BranimalsTruthI don’t know if this person identifies as bisexual or a lesbian, but I think even if someone is bisexual there’s no need to stay in a hetero marriage if that’s not what they want. Like if someone wants to explore their queerness I think that’s fine, as long as they do so in the most ethical way possible. No one should have to stay in a marriage that they don’t want to be in, no matter the reason.
I was married 6 years when I realized I was gay...assoc pastor of a small evangelical church...their spouse deserves to be freed and find someone that can love them.
My Partner had been married for 7 years when we met , he married ( Young ) due to family pressures but was always gay , but thought those desires would go away ... Needless to say , they didn't ... 42 years later we still have a wonderful life , we are friends with his former wife as well as her family , we both walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding and even his wifes son from her second marriage has stayed with us on his vacations ... Both of our families and friends have always been supportive and really the best advice I could ever give is to simply be your honest self ...
When coming to realization after years of marriage? Advice: proceed slower than you think. Don't make BIG decisions in a hurry. Be with your decisions and understandings for a while before "finalizing" them. You can execute in a better way also when you have lived with it for a while.
I am a gay guy and I met a wonderful guy online. I am a new Zealander, and the guy was in Canada. He was married to a lady, we talked more a year, and he decided to leave his wife, and he paid for me to move to Canada. We got on really well because of our mutual interests but there wasn't a private spark. We eventually got married because he wanted my citizenship financially. Nevertheless after that 7 years of marriage things broke down and I was left homeless in a foreign country. God didn't save me. I'm glad to say I got back on my feet and after a further five years from then I finally I feel like myself again. Go with your heart. You don't need god or Faith. I tried that. Just be honest with yourself and leave your comfort zone but with extreme caution. Merry Christmas
If I could be out and had met someone like Nate 20 years ago, I think I would feel very fortunate. Also, I would personally feel awkward because Nate is so strait-laced and I might feel like I would corrupt his innocence.
Gay mens chorus' often, most often have a "5th" section that is a major and very important part of the group, they can't function without them, and they are generally non-singers, but yeah, bigger city is where you will find that.
Re: The marriage question, I don’t think you necessarily have to tell the person you realized you’re gay. There can be a lot of safety concerns, angry partners outing, prejudice in the judicial system during the divorce, etc and it can increase the trauma around realizing you’re queer being intertwined with the divorce, when at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter WHY you’re not in love with them but rather than you’re not and therefore it maybe over. I would recommend finding a late bloomer Reddit group and reading the book “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle
I came out to my wife 5 years into our marriage. We were overseas missionaries at the time. I was an ordained Baptist Pastor. My wife was VERY accepting. We returned home. I went through 13 years of reparative therapy with two religious psychiatrists including electronic shock therapy. I learned later that the entire medical profession declassified homosexuality as an illness in 1973. I cared for my wife with MS for 26 years before she passed in 2022. As she was very close to passing, I thanked her for accepting me as her gay husband. She said "Of course that was easy. Why wouldn't I?" Amazing lady. I am now finally free to be the gay man I always was. The Baptist Church told me I am not welcome to even attend church. I never was. Both my adult kids are very accepting. I am almost 78 and too old to start dating a man now. That is OK. I am absolutely definitely 100% gay. Not a doubt.
Hey! Thank you for watching this episode. The fastest way to reach out to us is on Instagram @Itriedtobestraight, or if you'd rather email us you can do so itriedtobestraight@gmail.com.
Hmmm.. I get that you want to be nice to everyone, but you guys still seem to be pandering to a lot of homophobic ideas from your Christian/conservative surroundings. The problem about being married to the opposite sex while you're gay is NOT about sex. It is about absolutely EVERYTHING at the very foundation of the relationship. If you are gay, you don't feel romantic love towards your opposite sex partner. And you also don't feel sexual attraction. Yes, you can care, yes, you can have tons of platonic love, yes, you can be best friends. But the only way to stay in a straight marriage as a gay person is both parties being 100% okay with being in fully and only platonic marriage for the rest of your lives. There is nothing else on offer. Which is a tall order for most people. There are no grey areas there, as heartbreaking as it is. People who are in this kind of marriage and who struggle with it simply haven't accepted this reality. "Fixing the sex" in such a marriage doesn't actually change the situation for the better in any way. And staying for kids is truly the worst thing you can do. Never do that. This is coming from someone who has grown up with divorced parents. I had a great childhood and you absolutely do not need parents to stick together through a loveless marriage. Or a dysfunctional one in which one is romantically connected to their spouse and the other one is not, no matter how hard they try. Also, quite frankly, you shouldn't really work to have friendships with people who at the very core will never accept you. It doesn't matter if they voice it in words or not; just knowing they will never 100% embrace you should be enough. Those kind of people are not good for anyone, no matter where you are on your journey. Out of those relationships is the way. It is THEIR responsibility to work and overcome THEIR issues about your homosexuality, not yours. Don't bend over backwards for them and accept crumbs of "well, at LEAST they don't say it out loud all the time".. That is nowhere near good enough.
Strange that you didn't know. I wonder if orientation changes, the "pray the gay away" crowd might capitalize on that one. Maybe you had PTSD and were traumatized and then... were freed from the fear, somehow.
its called compulsory heterosexuality. When you have the whole world telling you one way is right and the other is not, some people internalize it very deeply. From the assumption that straight is how youre supposed to be, and not knowing what straight attraction actually feels like (because theyre gay), it can be very easy to interpret then any positive feelings towards women as evidence of attraction. It can be easy to say "this must be what it feels like!" because you dont know what its supposed to feel like, but you know youre supposed to feel it. The trauma is cultural homophobia. Just like some trans people dont realize theyre trans until theyre in their 50's, Its not a magical change in orientation, its an uncovering and recovering based on multiple factors. We all have moments like this in our life, about many different things. Realizing we like x or y or want to pursue z.
im gay and thought i liked women, because i liked the idea of a *man* being attracted to women. I was attracted to the mans pleasure and attraction in that scenario but associated it with women
If you're in a gay or straight relationship and you figured out you re gay or straight or Bi or Trans after over a 5 year relationship that involves family kids etc... you might want to rethink what you would do. No on ehas the right to destroy an entire ecosystem just coz they were in denial and are deep in a world where they might affect more than your own life. I do call that just being selfish after involving another person and creating a whole life that might just create sorrow and hurt if trying to act on your desires late in life.
Staying in an unhappy marriage for kids is nothing short of awful. For the kids specifically. People absolutely have the right to divorce and they should do that if they realise that they haven't ever felt romantically and sexually attracted to their spouse. Having a spouse who has never and will never be able to love you like a spouse, breaks a person's self-confidence bit by bit and makes you live in non-stop cycle of feeling rejection and unworthiness. You can check out some of the stories of people whose partners have come out and they have tried to make the marriage work; it is heartbreaking. Many people have tried to stay in such marriages - and then realised that for their own self-worth and any chance of happiness they must get out.
I realised I was attracted to women after 25 yrs of a heterosexual marriage. I spent 18 mos of therapy, both with an affirming regular therapist and an LGBTQ therapist, trying to come to terms with it and figure out how to proceed forward. I became SO stuck and it was wreaking havoc on my mental health. A few months ago, I started seeing an affirming chaplain, and hallelujah, I just recently made a breakthrough and came unstuck. Now I feel calm and confident about the path I need to take. As a religious person, I needed to address the religious elements of my struggle and my chaplain helped me to do that. God wants me to be my whole, queer self.
Also, congratulations Nate and Susie. You have done such a great job with the podcast. I have found it SO beneficial in my journey. Thank you and blessings to you both. Merry Christmas.
So are you into both? Like still enjoy your husband but find women attractive as well?
If the answer is yes then what's the struggle? Meaning why not stay with your husband?
@@BranimalsTruth No I’m not into both. I wish I was then everything would be less painful and complicated.
@@BranimalsTruth No, I’m not into both.
@@BranimalsTruthI don’t know if this person identifies as bisexual or a lesbian, but I think even if someone is bisexual there’s no need to stay in a hetero marriage if that’s not what they want. Like if someone wants to explore their queerness I think that’s fine, as long as they do so in the most ethical way possible. No one should have to stay in a marriage that they don’t want to be in, no matter the reason.
Your podcasts are my favorites. I look forward to Thursdays. Thanks for your gifts. You are also great moderators. Much love.
Just avoid and detach from anyone who does not support you. Be who you are and live your life honestly.
I was married 6 years when I realized I was gay...assoc pastor of a small evangelical church...their spouse deserves to be freed and find someone that can love them.
My Partner had been married for 7 years when we met , he married ( Young ) due to family pressures but was always gay , but thought those desires would go away ... Needless to say , they didn't ... 42 years later we still have a wonderful life , we are friends with his former wife as well as her family , we both walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding and even his wifes son from her second marriage has stayed with us on his vacations ... Both of our families and friends have always been supportive and really the best advice I could ever give is to simply be your honest self ...
It’s cool that you have each other to go through all this! - Merry Christmas 😊😊🎄✝️
Cute doggie aww Hi Henry!!
When coming to realization after years of marriage? Advice: proceed slower than you think. Don't make BIG decisions in a hurry. Be with your decisions and understandings for a while before "finalizing" them. You can execute in a better way also when you have lived with it for a while.
I am a gay guy and I met a wonderful guy online. I am a new Zealander, and the guy was in Canada.
He was married to a lady, we talked more a year, and he decided to leave his wife, and he paid for me to move to Canada.
We got on really well because of our mutual interests but there wasn't a private spark.
We eventually got married because he wanted my citizenship financially.
Nevertheless after that 7 years of marriage things broke down and I was left homeless in a foreign country. God didn't save me.
I'm glad to say I got back on my feet and after a further five years from then I finally I feel like myself again.
Go with your heart.
You don't need god or Faith. I tried that.
Just be honest with yourself and leave your comfort zone but with extreme caution.
Merry Christmas
If I could be out and had met someone like Nate 20 years ago, I think I would feel very fortunate. Also, I would personally feel awkward because Nate is so strait-laced and I might feel like I would corrupt his innocence.
Gay mens chorus' often, most often have a "5th" section that is a major and very important part of the group, they can't function without them, and they are generally non-singers, but yeah, bigger city is where you will find that.
Re: The marriage question, I don’t think you necessarily have to tell the person you realized you’re gay. There can be a lot of safety concerns, angry partners outing, prejudice in the judicial system during the divorce, etc and it can increase the trauma around realizing you’re queer being intertwined with the divorce, when at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter WHY you’re not in love with them but rather than you’re not and therefore it maybe over.
I would recommend finding a late bloomer Reddit group and reading the book “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle
You took vows and made promises. You owe your spouse an explanation.
Hey Nate, Thanks for your great content.
PLEASE invest in some mike stands, watching everyone hold those heavy microphones is wearing me out !
I came out to my wife 5 years into our marriage. We were overseas missionaries at the time. I was an ordained Baptist Pastor. My wife was VERY accepting. We returned home. I went through 13 years of reparative therapy with two religious psychiatrists including electronic shock therapy. I learned later that the entire medical profession declassified homosexuality as an illness in 1973. I cared for my wife with MS for 26 years before she passed in 2022. As she was very close to passing, I thanked her for accepting me as her gay husband. She said "Of course that was easy. Why wouldn't I?" Amazing lady. I am now finally free to be the gay man I always was. The Baptist Church told me I am not welcome to even attend church. I never was. Both my adult kids are very accepting. I am almost 78 and too old to start dating a man now. That is OK. I am absolutely definitely 100% gay. Not a doubt.
How can I write you guys without it being public? I have something to share related to this episode.
Hey! Thank you for watching this episode. The fastest way to reach out to us is on Instagram @Itriedtobestraight, or if you'd rather email us you can do so itriedtobestraight@gmail.com.
Hmmm.. I get that you want to be nice to everyone, but you guys still seem to be pandering to a lot of homophobic ideas from your Christian/conservative surroundings.
The problem about being married to the opposite sex while you're gay is NOT about sex. It is about absolutely EVERYTHING at the very foundation of the relationship. If you are gay, you don't feel romantic love towards your opposite sex partner. And you also don't feel sexual attraction. Yes, you can care, yes, you can have tons of platonic love, yes, you can be best friends. But the only way to stay in a straight marriage as a gay person is both parties being 100% okay with being in fully and only platonic marriage for the rest of your lives. There is nothing else on offer. Which is a tall order for most people. There are no grey areas there, as heartbreaking as it is. People who are in this kind of marriage and who struggle with it simply haven't accepted this reality. "Fixing the sex" in such a marriage doesn't actually change the situation for the better in any way.
And staying for kids is truly the worst thing you can do. Never do that. This is coming from someone who has grown up with divorced parents. I had a great childhood and you absolutely do not need parents to stick together through a loveless marriage. Or a dysfunctional one in which one is romantically connected to their spouse and the other one is not, no matter how hard they try.
Also, quite frankly, you shouldn't really work to have friendships with people who at the very core will never accept you. It doesn't matter if they voice it in words or not; just knowing they will never 100% embrace you should be enough. Those kind of people are not good for anyone, no matter where you are on your journey. Out of those relationships is the way. It is THEIR responsibility to work and overcome THEIR issues about your homosexuality, not yours. Don't bend over backwards for them and accept crumbs of "well, at LEAST they don't say it out loud all the time".. That is nowhere near good enough.
66 here , in a gay relationship for 42 years so far , I'f I'm gonna be loved or hated , it'll be for who I am , not what I pretend to be ...
AKA Kenneth Bailey Been through it !😮😢
Strange that you didn't know. I wonder if orientation changes, the "pray the gay away" crowd might capitalize on that one. Maybe you had PTSD and were traumatized and then... were freed from the fear, somehow.
its called compulsory heterosexuality. When you have the whole world telling you one way is right and the other is not, some people internalize it very deeply. From the assumption that straight is how youre supposed to be, and not knowing what straight attraction actually feels like (because theyre gay), it can be very easy to interpret then any positive feelings towards women as evidence of attraction. It can be easy to say "this must be what it feels like!" because you dont know what its supposed to feel like, but you know youre supposed to feel it.
The trauma is cultural homophobia. Just like some trans people dont realize theyre trans until theyre in their 50's, Its not a magical change in orientation, its an uncovering and recovering based on multiple factors. We all have moments like this in our life, about many different things. Realizing we like x or y or want to pursue z.
im gay and thought i liked women, because i liked the idea of a *man* being attracted to women. I was attracted to the mans pleasure and attraction in that scenario but associated it with women
Did someone say Avatar the Last Airbender? 👀
Yesssss
I am the 100th like
If you're in a gay or straight relationship and you figured out you re gay or straight or Bi or Trans after over a 5 year relationship that involves family kids etc... you might want to rethink what you would do. No on ehas the right to destroy an entire ecosystem just coz they were in denial and are deep in a world where they might affect more than your own life. I do call that just being selfish after involving another person and creating a whole life that might just create sorrow and hurt if trying to act on your desires late in life.
🙄 people should be authentic to themselves, regardless of what other people think of them.
Staying in an unhappy marriage for kids is nothing short of awful. For the kids specifically. People absolutely have the right to divorce and they should do that if they realise that they haven't ever felt romantically and sexually attracted to their spouse.
Having a spouse who has never and will never be able to love you like a spouse, breaks a person's self-confidence bit by bit and makes you live in non-stop cycle of feeling rejection and unworthiness. You can check out some of the stories of people whose partners have come out and they have tried to make the marriage work; it is heartbreaking. Many people have tried to stay in such marriages - and then realised that for their own self-worth and any chance of happiness they must get out.