[Chromaticity of Fear] [Part 7] [Oneirophobia] [Regret] ------ × . trigger warnings for attempted suicide, pre-meditated suicide, aftermath of attempted suicide, self-harm, elements of online grooming, moral scrupulosity . × × . if you are sensitive to the above topics, feel free to skip the story below . × × . seriously though this story does not hold back any punches. Language surrounding suicide and self-harm is explicit, and it’s very likely this story could end up being triggering if you have personal experience with these topics. please prioritize your own health first and foremost . × ----------------------------------------------------- . {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} "It was my 18th birthday a couple of days ago, and ever since then, I’ve been having all these weird dreams… In this ever-expanding void, I’m met with my own corpse. It doesn’t always look like it’s me, but I’m almost always able to recognize it as me. Every time I reach out to touch my corpse, I wake up, in this sort of cold sweat. And I’m always trembling a little bit. I think this might be a sign, from the universe, or god, or whoever else. Something that confirms what I’ve been thinking about for years, that I’m better off dead.” █████ “I’ve always been kind of lonely…I don’t like other people, I don’t like to hold up this facade that I’m nothing other than this...inhuman thing. It takes too much effort, and relationships are too messy to maintain, too undesirable. Despite that, I’m a little bit of a hypocrite, and I can’t help but want to involve myself in things that will only hurt me. I wonder if that’s why I still hold onto my one and only friend. She doesn’t know me, not the ‘real’ me, and I know she doesn’t, because she would’ve left me if she did. I’ve decided, if I really am going to kill myself, I should probably not be friends with her anymore. I… couldn’t bear to actually break things off with her, or have a conversation about this. She would never understand, and she’d demand explanations for things I don’t want to talk about. I decided to cut her off silently, and I chose to join this group of people online. They’re bad people, that’s no secret. I need a group of people who will hurt me, who will push me into doing unspeakable things. It’s what I deserve.” █████ “My new friends, they love me. Every time I show them bits and pieces of my real self, they cheer, they applaud. They tell me that they’re like that too, they relate to me in ways I’ve never felt before. My new friends love it when I hurt myself. They praise me, they push me to do more. It’s intoxicating, but it’s wrong. It’s all so, so wrong. I wasn’t made to be understood like this, it’s wrong of me to feel these things, and I can see it, in my everyday life. All I can think about are my new friends, about all the ways I can hurt myself, about how I can ‘up the ante’ and get them to cheer me on some more. And, in the meantime, I've been intentionally ignoring and disregarding my real life friend… I don’t understand myself sometimes. I can’t just feel the things I feel and have it end at that, there always needs to be this little voice at the back of my head, commentating on everything I do. One part of me wants to do nothing but get praise and love from my new friends, because it just feels so good. God, it feels so good. The other part of me knows this is wrong, but doesn’t know how to cope without those hits of dopamine, so I’m stuck with this nagging sense of guilt that leaves me feeling paralyzed and powerless... I’m being torn apart in two directions, but I need to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, not when I know I'm going to die, anyway.” █████ “After weeks of having ignored her, my friend came up to me today after school. She was crying…she told me how worried she’s been about me, she told me she noticed how I’ve been slowly degrading, how scared she was that I was going to hurt myself. I…I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea she cared for me that much, I had no idea I was worth caring about. In the midst of all these emotions I couldn't understand, I…got mad. I pushed her away even farther, I told her to leave me alone, I lashed out. I didn’t lay a hand on her, but I could see how hurt she was. I kept reminding myself that this was what I wanted, that it was my plan this whole time, to separate myself from her, and this was just me ripping off the bandaid, but…it just hurt, so bad. I can’t make up my mind, ever, my world feels like it runs on my moment-to-moment emotional reaction. I don’t know what to do, I hurt the only person who’s ever actually shown care for me. From the start, I’ve known I was evil, but having it confirmed like this makes me feel like I’m beyond the point of no return.” █████ “Life is cruel, in an ironic way. The moment I went through with my suicide, I felt this crushing sense of regret. Maybe it was my deeply-baked biological instincts kicking in, some sort of automatic ‘fight-or-flight’ response that got me to panic. But, more likely, I think it was this realization, this epiphany, where everything felt so clear. I didn’t want to die. I dialed my friend, and I told her, as calmly as I could, that I needed to be taken to the hospital. She was so scared, I’ve never heard someone scream so loud before. I didn’t want to die. That’s all I said to her, I didn’t want to die. That’s all I could say to the paramedics, and the doctors wheeling me into the hospital. I didn’t want to die. She’s been with me every step of the way. She hasn’t left my side, she’s cried more now than I think I’ve ever seen her cry before, in all the years we’ve known each other. She’s seen the real me, now, a realer ‘real’ me, realer than anything I’ve shown anyone else. And she’s still here…that baffles me. ” █████ “After I was discharged from the hospital, my friend came up to me, she told me something I think I really needed to hear… She told me that before she confronted me, she was having panic attacks nearly every day, multiple times a day, at the thought of me hurting myself. She told me how hurt she was that I ghosted her without saying anything, that she felt abandoned, she told me how she couldn’t stop crying after I yelled at her. She expressed to me how she was so afraid of talking to me about any of these things, because she had no idea how to help me when I so clearly didn’t want to be helped, and the guilt of not being able to do anything about it was eating her alive. And the worst part was, she was right to feel all those things. Her communicating any of her feelings to me lead me to attempting suicide, and…that shouldn’t have been her burden to bear. Getting her to hate me was my way of trying to protect her, but it just made things worse…and of course, she thought it was all her fault, that I treated her that way. I wanted to say I was sorry, but that didn’t feel like it was enough. Nothing felt like it was enough, it wasn’t fair that I put her through so much. I held her hand in mine, but I struggled to find what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all. We shared in a grief that should’ve only been mine to feel. I need help. I want to live.”
This song is an absolute banger, and in my opinion, was a great way to end off the series (not including the possible epilogue). This entire collection of songs are masterpieces, and many of them hit close to home for me and many others. Overall, Chromaticity of Fear is a masterpiece, and now im gonna loop the songs for seven hours straight!!!!!!!!!!
hi, I've just gotta thank you for your music! I deal with a lot of issues and your work has made feel more understood than nearly anything. Right now it's especially bad and listening to this release alongside your others has been so helpful. Honestly thank you so much!!!
THIS SONG!!!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!! really enjoy how Yi Xi is tuned here, it makes Jackie sound rlly apethetic and distant which i think really fits for the song!!! I also really enjoy the instrumental... feels very crowded and full but dulled down which Also fits the songs themes, i really enjoy hearing that alarm clock-esque sound... super silly and About those themes... im not gonna get Super into it bc it's still a touchy subject for me but i really liked how this song portrayed suicidal ideation. i dont typically see this kinda portrayal anywhere and i think it helped me understand a new perspective. this song is overall very comforting in the "comforting the disturbed" way for me... and goddamn EXCITING TO SEE THAT COF IS FINISHED!!! A handful of these songs are Bangers and i've had on repeat for some time now HAH i'm excited to see what else you plan to do in the future!!!
IM ASTOUNDED AT HOW HARD THIS ONE HITS. GOD. i’ll probably be able to compose a more coherent comment later but ohhhh my god gonna be listening to this one on repeat for a while
ough banger. Jackie..... Her story hits harder than all the others for me. I really want good things for her, want her to heal and form healthy relationships. Moral scrupulosity is a bitch. This series was an amazing ride and I'm glad to have been here for more than half of it. I really hope you continue making things with these characters, but even if you don't, I'm glad you created this.
Why is this song so me DAMN Anyways WAHOOOOOOOO NEW SONGGGG *SCREAMS IN EXCITEMENT* THE SONG IS SO GOOD AND THE INSTRUMENTALS AND THE TUNING AND THE ART AND AND I LOVE THIS SO MUCH IT TICKLES MY BRAIN (/VPOS) RAAAAAHHHHHHH‼️‼️‼️
i just wanna ask, would this song also be able to interpreted as other conditions? such as DID, WIS, etc? I’ve always loved ur art/songs, im just genuinely curious.
i also wanna add, i think this depicts moral scruplosity pretty well as someone who knows someone who has it. however, i know everyone’s situations is different and varies from person to person-
Yeah!! While I write my songs about Specific Things I don't mind if people connect with them in their own specific ways :] it makes me happy to say how ppl relate their own experiences with these characters!
YESYESYES I LOVE YOUR SONGS!! THIS IS THE LAST ONE YET YOUR SERIES COMFORTED ME MORE THAN SOMEONE HAD BEEN ABLE TO.. MY FEELINGS HAD BEEN PUT INTO WORDS AND TURNED INTO A SONG ahah sorry bout that. but back to the point! i love the song, how much it reflects to suicidality (in general, at least to me) and how you tuned Yi Xi. great work, can't wait for other content from you soon!! :D
i forgot to comment on this whar anyways OUUGH as always oh my god your lyrics are so fucking good and the use of the alarm sound sample goes hard Ouugh also vocap finishes a song series (not clickbait)
![Trypanophobia // Popy SV [CoF]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/wWnEVOy4yIc/mqdefault.jpg)
![Trypanophobia // Popy SV [CoF]](/img/tr.png)
[Chromaticity of Fear]
[Part 7]
[Oneirophobia]
[Regret]
------
× . trigger warnings for attempted suicide, pre-meditated suicide, aftermath of attempted suicide, self-harm, elements of online grooming, moral scrupulosity . ×
× . if you are sensitive to the above topics, feel free to skip the story below . ×
× . seriously though this story does not hold back any punches. Language surrounding suicide and self-harm is explicit, and it’s very likely this story could end up being triggering if you have personal experience with these topics. please prioritize your own health first and foremost . ×
-----------------------------------------------------
.
{.⋅ ♡ ⋅.}
"It was my 18th birthday a couple of days ago, and ever since then, I’ve been having all these weird dreams…
In this ever-expanding void, I’m met with my own corpse. It doesn’t always look like it’s me, but I’m almost always able to recognize it as me.
Every time I reach out to touch my corpse, I wake up, in this sort of cold sweat. And I’m always trembling a little bit.
I think this might be a sign, from the universe, or god, or whoever else. Something that confirms what I’ve been thinking about for years, that I’m better off dead.”
█████
“I’ve always been kind of lonely…I don’t like other people, I don’t like to hold up this facade that I’m nothing other than this...inhuman thing. It takes too much effort, and relationships are too messy to maintain, too undesirable. Despite that, I’m a little bit of a hypocrite, and I can’t help but want to involve myself in things that will only hurt me.
I wonder if that’s why I still hold onto my one and only friend. She doesn’t know me, not the ‘real’ me, and I know she doesn’t, because she would’ve left me if she did.
I’ve decided, if I really am going to kill myself, I should probably not be friends with her anymore. I… couldn’t bear to actually break things off with her, or have a conversation about this. She would never understand, and she’d demand explanations for things I don’t want to talk about.
I decided to cut her off silently, and I chose to join this group of people online. They’re bad people, that’s no secret. I need a group of people who will hurt me, who will push me into doing unspeakable things. It’s what I deserve.”
█████
“My new friends, they love me.
Every time I show them bits and pieces of my real self, they cheer, they applaud. They tell me that they’re like that too, they relate to me in ways I’ve never felt before.
My new friends love it when I hurt myself. They praise me, they push me to do more. It’s intoxicating, but it’s wrong. It’s all so, so wrong.
I wasn’t made to be understood like this, it’s wrong of me to feel these things, and I can see it, in my everyday life. All I can think about are my new friends, about all the ways I can hurt myself, about how I can ‘up the ante’ and get them to cheer me on some more. And, in the meantime, I've been intentionally ignoring and disregarding my real life friend…
I don’t understand myself sometimes. I can’t just feel the things I feel and have it end at that, there always needs to be this little voice at the back of my head, commentating on everything I do. One part of me wants to do nothing but get praise and love from my new friends, because it just feels so good. God, it feels so good. The other part of me knows this is wrong, but doesn’t know how to cope without those hits of dopamine, so I’m stuck with this nagging sense of guilt that leaves me feeling paralyzed and powerless... I’m being torn apart in two directions, but I need to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, not when I know I'm going to die, anyway.”
█████
“After weeks of having ignored her, my friend came up to me today after school. She was crying…she told me how worried she’s been about me, she told me she noticed how I’ve been slowly degrading, how scared she was that I was going to hurt myself.
I…I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea she cared for me that much, I had no idea I was worth caring about. In the midst of all these emotions I couldn't understand, I…got mad. I pushed her away even farther, I told her to leave me alone, I lashed out. I didn’t lay a hand on her, but I could see how hurt she was.
I kept reminding myself that this was what I wanted, that it was my plan this whole time, to separate myself from her, and this was just me ripping off the bandaid, but…it just hurt, so bad. I can’t make up my mind, ever, my world feels like it runs on my moment-to-moment emotional reaction. I don’t know what to do, I hurt the only person who’s ever actually shown care for me. From the start, I’ve known I was evil, but having it confirmed like this makes me feel like I’m beyond the point of no return.”
█████
“Life is cruel, in an ironic way.
The moment I went through with my suicide, I felt this crushing sense of regret. Maybe it was my deeply-baked biological instincts kicking in, some sort of automatic ‘fight-or-flight’ response that got me to panic. But, more likely, I think it was this realization, this epiphany, where everything felt so clear.
I didn’t want to die.
I dialed my friend, and I told her, as calmly as I could, that I needed to be taken to the hospital. She was so scared, I’ve never heard someone scream so loud before.
I didn’t want to die.
That’s all I said to her, I didn’t want to die. That’s all I could say to the paramedics, and the doctors wheeling me into the hospital. I didn’t want to die.
She’s been with me every step of the way. She hasn’t left my side, she’s cried more now than I think I’ve ever seen her cry before, in all the years we’ve known each other.
She’s seen the real me, now, a realer ‘real’ me, realer than anything I’ve shown anyone else. And she’s still here…that baffles me. ”
█████
“After I was discharged from the hospital, my friend came up to me, she told me something I think I really needed to hear…
She told me that before she confronted me, she was having panic attacks nearly every day, multiple times a day, at the thought of me hurting myself. She told me how hurt she was that I ghosted her without saying anything, that she felt abandoned, she told me how she couldn’t stop crying after I yelled at her. She expressed to me how she was so afraid of talking to me about any of these things, because she had no idea how to help me when I so clearly didn’t want to be helped, and the guilt of not being able to do anything about it was eating her alive.
And the worst part was, she was right to feel all those things. Her communicating any of her feelings to me lead me to attempting suicide, and…that shouldn’t have been her burden to bear.
Getting her to hate me was my way of trying to protect her, but it just made things worse…and of course, she thought it was all her fault, that I treated her that way. I wanted to say I was sorry, but that didn’t feel like it was enough. Nothing felt like it was enough, it wasn’t fair that I put her through so much.
I held her hand in mine, but I struggled to find what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all. We shared in a grief that should’ve only been mine to feel.
I need help. I want to live.”
This song is an absolute banger, and in my opinion, was a great way to end off the series (not including the possible epilogue). This entire collection of songs are masterpieces, and many of them hit close to home for me and many others. Overall, Chromaticity of Fear is a masterpiece, and now im gonna loop the songs for seven hours straight!!!!!!!!!!
man this song hits hard
anyway hello my group account to whoever posted
HOLY SHIT CARBON MONOXIDE ORIGINAL SONG FEATURING YI XI…this is insane what
hi, I've just gotta thank you for your music! I deal with a lot of issues and your work has made feel more understood than nearly anything. Right now it's especially bad and listening to this release alongside your others has been so helpful. Honestly thank you so much!!!
I love the sound used! Her design is very cool and her distance is a little too relatable..
THIS SONG!!!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!! really enjoy how Yi Xi is tuned here, it makes Jackie sound rlly apethetic and distant which i think really fits for the song!!! I also really enjoy the instrumental... feels very crowded and full but dulled down which Also fits the songs themes, i really enjoy hearing that alarm clock-esque sound... super silly
and About those themes... im not gonna get Super into it bc it's still a touchy subject for me but i really liked how this song portrayed suicidal ideation. i dont typically see this kinda portrayal anywhere and i think it helped me understand a new perspective. this song is overall very comforting in the "comforting the disturbed" way for me...
and goddamn EXCITING TO SEE THAT COF IS FINISHED!!! A handful of these songs are Bangers and i've had on repeat for some time now HAH i'm excited to see what else you plan to do in the future!!!
THANK U FOR THA COMPLIMENTS AA !!! i'm happy u were able to find comfort in this song, i wish u nothing but peace in ur future
Well well well now thats a banger ryt there- the lyrics are to die for-
i want to explode why do the lyrics hit so hard what the heck
IM ASTOUNDED AT HOW HARD THIS ONE HITS. GOD. i’ll probably be able to compose a more coherent comment later but ohhhh my god gonna be listening to this one on repeat for a while
ough banger.
Jackie..... Her story hits harder than all the others for me. I really want good things for her, want her to heal and form healthy relationships. Moral scrupulosity is a bitch.
This series was an amazing ride and I'm glad to have been here for more than half of it. I really hope you continue making things with these characters, but even if you don't, I'm glad you created this.
thank u soo so much for ur continued support!!! genuinely it means so much to me!!! aaahhee
Why is this song so me DAMN
Anyways WAHOOOOOOOO NEW SONGGGG *SCREAMS IN EXCITEMENT* THE SONG IS SO GOOD AND THE INSTRUMENTALS AND THE TUNING AND THE ART AND AND I LOVE THIS SO MUCH IT TICKLES MY BRAIN (/VPOS) RAAAAAHHHHHHH‼️‼️‼️
Amazing song as always‼️‼️
And the Art is SO GOOD (as always)🔥🔥
i just wanna ask, would this song also be able to interpreted as other conditions? such as DID, WIS, etc? I’ve always loved ur art/songs, im just genuinely curious.
i also wanna add, i think this depicts moral scruplosity pretty well as someone who knows someone who has it. however, i know everyone’s situations is different and varies from person to person-
Yeah!! While I write my songs about Specific Things I don't mind if people connect with them in their own specific ways :] it makes me happy to say how ppl relate their own experiences with these characters!
YESYESYES I LOVE YOUR SONGS!! THIS IS THE LAST ONE YET YOUR SERIES COMFORTED ME MORE THAN SOMEONE HAD BEEN ABLE TO.. MY FEELINGS HAD BEEN PUT INTO WORDS AND TURNED INTO A SONG
ahah sorry bout that. but back to the point! i love the song, how much it reflects to suicidality (in general, at least to me) and how you tuned Yi Xi. great work, can't wait for other content from you soon!! :D
AAA I'M SO HAPPY U WERE ABLE TO CONNECT WITH MY MUSIC!!!!! WAA WAAA
it hurts how much I relate to the lyrics,, another one of my favorites from you alongside botanophobia :]
THIS GOES HARD AAAAAA
i forgot to comment on this whar
anyways OUUGH as always oh my god your lyrics are so fucking good and the use of the alarm sound sample goes hard Ouugh
also vocap finishes a song series (not clickbait)
WE ARE FED ONCE AGAIN 🔥
Heyy, your song is amazing!
btw, do u allow fan PVs of ur songs?
Yes ofc!!! If u do end up making a fan pv for my music, please tag me or send it to me ! :3
HEADPHONES ARENT ENOUGH I NEED TO INJECT THIS SONG INTO MY BLOODSTREAM
this slaps like burnt cheese. (i think burnt cheese is one of the best things ever)
My personaaaaaa do you know heeeeeer (ykiyk)
I read moral scrupulosoty as moral scrumptiousality
would you mind if i used this in an animatic?
just checking to make sure ^^
@@CRANlUMSAUCESORRY I JUST SAW THIS BUT YEAH!!! and if u do please tag me or send it to me in some way i would love to see it!!!!
@camovoca alr!! it's going to be for an eddsworld character [ Eduardo ] but I will post it on pin if I ever get it done ^^ tysm!!
Akira sliding a car into your house. Hi
Hi :)