Pupaphobia 2024 / Gumi SV / CoF
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- Опубліковано 21 жов 2024
- [Chromaticity of Fear]
[Part 2]
[Pupaphobia]
[Losing control]
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× . trigger warnings for abuse, internalized self-hatred, hopelessness, and light mentions of drug use . ×
× . if you are sensitive to the above topics, feel free to skip the story below . ×
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{.⋅ ♡ ⋅.}
"It's every day with this shit. I wake up and I'm shaking and afraid, I feel sick all the time. I can barely get up off of my bed, nevermind going to school. I'm sick. I'm legitimately sick. I don't know how much more of this I can take, I need to fucking escape. I'm so angry, and I'm sick, and he'll just call me a selfish piece of shit for it.
I need to go to bed soon anyway, but I don't want to. I'm so scared of waking up tomorrow and having to face another day of this. I can only take so much."
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"I talked with my girlfriend. A lot. We had a lot to talk about...
She'll give me the money, I'm buying a plane ticket this Saturday, and he'll be none the wiser
I'm going to do it. I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to escape, and I'll live with her
Knowing the bastard, he won't even notice his little play thing is gone. Much less care enough to look
I've been waiting for this moment for years
...
Why do I feel so scared?"
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“I should be happy right now, but I’m not.
I’ve dreamt of this day for ages, but I’m scared. I’m so, so scared.
I got to my girlfriend’s place and she was crying, and hugging me, and the whole time I couldn’t even recognize her as even being real. Nevermind being able to fake a smile.
Months of planning, and talking, and making living arrangements, and I still feel so scared. I should be so happy.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken in some way? Is this never going away?
What if he was right this whole time? What if what I had was as good as it’s ever going to get? What if he really was doing the best for me, and I was just too selfish, too incompetent, too cruel to understand?
I’m getting so caught up with the ‘what if’s, I’m getting dizzy
Maybe I just wasn’t made for happiness
Maybe I should’ve just made peace with that reality instead of doing any of this…
…
Maybe I’m getting too ahead of myself. It’s only been a couple days.”
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“I’m feeling weirdly home-sick. I never thought I’d ever say that.
And it’s not just the park I liked to frequent, or the boba shop I’d get milk tea at, or my old highschool’s bleachers I’d sneak under to get high at,
I miss my old room, and I miss my old stuffed toys, and the brand of ramen my girlfriend doesn’t keep stocked in the pantry.
And…I miss my abuser. I miss the fear he’d incite in me almost as much as I miss the couple of good times we had together. I miss the shows we’d watch together as much as I miss the hole he put into the drywall when he tried to hurt me.
I think there is something deeply wrong with me. I miss feeling controlled. It’s weird, but I think it’s my destiny. I think I’m someone’s property, and nothing more.
I would be ok with that if it meant never having to feel so aimless and confused again.”
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“I talked to my girlfriend some more. We talked for a good couple of hours, actually.
She says that this is common with survivors of abuse, to doubt and even miss the abuse they went through. Humans are creatures of habit, we don’t like change, even an objectively good one like this. Any change from the status quo is going to be challenged by the emotional parts of our brain.
…
My girlfriend gave me the number for a good support group for this sort of thing. She said she loves helping me, but can’t handle all the emotional stress and that I should seek help from professionals, which I understand completely.
I think I’ll give it a dial sometime in the week.”
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“My therapist told me something interesting the other day, he says that there’s no such thing as destiny, that the purpose of our lives can only be determined by ourselves and ourselves alone.
I’ve…never really considered that perspective before. I think I’ve gotten used to being at the mercy of someone else for so long, I can’t possibly fathom a life where I’m not exploited in some way for someone else’s benefit. Where I don’t feel like I live to serve or be taken advantage of.
It’s scary, confronting the fact that your hurt has painted your worldview so deeply.
But if that really is true, that I can choose to make of my life whatever I want, then I would like to…
hm…
Maybe I still need some time to figure it out.”
This character's name is Tae-Lee, and if you're interested in learning more about her, she has a toyhouse page!
toyhou.se/26560782.tae-lee-kim
HII bet u weren't expecting this? :- ) or honestly maybe u were cuz i can't stop myself from remaking my music every couple months LMAO
unlike my other remakes tho, i've decided that the old version of pupaphobia should stay up on my public page, just cuz i know there are a lot of ppl who like or even prefer gumi's v3 voice bank in comparison to her synthv one. i'm not one of those ppl but i respect their tastes. im in love with gumi sv tho she's SO FUCKING GOOD! SHE'S SO CLEAR AND FUN TO USE AUUGHHHHHH I LOVE HERRR
shoutout to my bestest friend eddie for redoing their art for this song!! her stuff is so GOOD i know i can always rely on him for art assets when i need to :3 check her out NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[ x.com/okayymikey?t=qodVR1GmItCNTbdO5ygDKg&s=09 ]
and while ur at it, check out my other social media too if ud like!
twitter: twitter.com/DieoxideCarbon
soundcloud: soundcloud.com/monoxide-p
bandcamp: carbonmonoxideco.bandcamp.com/
spotify presave: distrokid.com/hyperfollow/carbonmonoxide/pupaphobia
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[ lyrics ]
First order, act it normal
Perfect walls, don't be informal
Blinding lights beneath the canopy
Ashes won't repair my vanity
Secondly don't act so vicious
Defang, declaw, ain't that precious?
Good victims don't take up space,
you're not like that you know your place
I may not be an actor, but
I've learned to work faster
Discipline is so crucial when
Safety means his approval
I may not be an artist but
My fear I will harness
And if you survive today then
Maybe we'll be ok
I think I'm far too aware
Living a daily nightmare
Dull my brain contain the pain
Then wake up do it again
Can't do this any longer
Not getting any stronger
If this is all life is I'd
Rather have eternal bliss
Breaking
Skin loose things beneath my pins I
Shake free
strings, past sins, these
Ugly tins of mortality
Tugging strings
Let it sink
Play the part
And then you play another
Stitching skin
Fixing springs
Holding back
Violent explosive anger
Biting cloth
Succumbed rot
Shut your mouth
And then you take another
Luna moth
Succumbed sloth
It's gone south
I'll be like this forever
Keep talking
Keep walking
Things are fine
Dont question what is normal
Pull the strings
Make me sing
Keep dancing
Remember you dont matter
How I want to cut the wire
Retake my agency
I'm ashamed I should know better
It won't make me happy
Third thing to keep in mind
To you I've been nothing but kind
You must cherish my generosity
I know how to treat my property
Fourthly, you belong to me
I'm entitled to your body
Don't deprive me of my rights
Or else how could you sleep at night?
I may not be so perfect
Worthless liminal defect
Fear is nothing short of needed
When this is how I'm treated
I do not deserve better
But I'm a selfish quitter
I know I'm simply the worst
Because that's just how it works
The clanging thoughts in my head
Violence better left unsaid
Scared monsters under the bed
they tell me that I deserve it
I'm tired of the sickness
Worthless facets of illness
With my autonomy stripped
To my life I'm just a witness
Breaking
Rules so cruel rewind the spool, I
Shake free
Doves in love, my
Dependence on monstrosity
Tugging strings
Let it sink
Play the part
And then you play another
Stitching skin
Fixing springs
Holding back
Violent explosive anger
Biting cloth
Succumbed rot
Shut your mouth
And then you take another
Luna moth
Succumbed sloth
It's gone south
I'll be like this forever
Keep talking
Keep walking
Things are fine
Don't question what is normal
Pull the strings
Make me sing
Keep dancing
Remember you dont matter
How I want to cut the wire
Retake my agency
I'm ashamed I should know better
It won't make me happy
I know
five through six, and
I know
gentle mettle
I know
pick up sticks, and
I know
grieving devils
Was there
Any difference
I feel
Mounting pressure
I can
Taste dissonance
Maybe I'll
Write that letter
Oh I know I understand that
You want me at your command but
Life just isn't all that fair I'll
Bite you back, I'll make you scared
The puppet you once loved has died
You hit and screamed, you made me cry
Those fences I'm not amending
You have no place in my
Happy ending
No more strings
Overthink
Cut the shit
I'll tear you into bits
Just how many?
How plenty?
120?
With nightmares worth a penny
Buried guilt
Rome re-built
Cracked and spilt
A bloodied plastic mother
"You ok?"
Sore and gray
So let's pray
It won't be this forever
Sitting still
Cracked and spilt
No 'until'
Under my feelings’ control
Scared and dazed
Burned and praised
Abstract ways
Rip out my beating soul so
Now I've come to cut the wires
Retook my agency
Pride that's lost in paranoia
Someday I'll be happy
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mp3: drive.google.com/drive/folders/1kyoji_C7JtCmi3vIETFnO8-BO5iNN7pe?usp=drive_link
instrumental: drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Mq6UZAJMy_txX_rx2F0bQJtJbOhwt9Lx?usp=drive_link
SVP: drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ansSFTiYj9rInRwqhf_oLvq_xEE2RJPU?usp=drive_link
Vocal midi: drive.google.com/drive/folders/1pYQ7xuRULtj1cNnwy_BSFCG5ODCSQa5e?usp=sharing
i love how gumi sounds stronger in this!! i think i can hear a deeper voice backing, too, and it sounds so clean and blends in so well!!!!!!!!! raaaah i love this song…..
also i love the vine boom
1: love the lyrics and the imagery in them
2: love the art. I had a visceral reaction to the hooks, but art is meant to disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. This does both. Big fan
OMG ITS THE BEST COF SONG I WAS LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT THIS A WEEK AGO
HI AGAIN @Ta-m01 !!
@@AX_RADIUM HII!
this is a great song and im sorry but IS THERE A V I N EB OO M IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ?/? ????
YEAH LMAOO
GET IN KID… WE’RE SAVING PUPAPHOBIA… 2!!!!!!!!!! this is AWESOME as always. the tuning is so tasty. “how many? how plenty? 120?” has always made me go bonkers i may not know exactly what that line meant to you as you penned it but - brief allusion to my own trauma here, fair warning - it hits SO hard as someone who had a run-in with a prolific/popular serial abuser. But yayayaya i love love love what this song does w the puppet imagery, like its a classic symbol of manipulation for a reason of course but the HOOKS make it so VISCERAL and RAW. This song has always been awesome awesome. 💛
I LOVE WHWNEVER I GET COMMENTS FROM U u always have very thoughtful things to say, and it makes me so happy to see people connecting with my songs and stories in their own unique ways!! I bid u good luck on ur journey to heal,, recovery is a bitch but that's part of the reason I started this song series in the first place LMAO
the vine boom i’m sobbign
GASP
my headphones are charging someone remind me to listen to this after i get my physics hw done
No. forget this song ever existed and continue ur life in ignorant bliss (im using reverse psychology)
@@camovoca HA now i AM going to listen to this just because you said not to (
!!!! very cool
Upload ur songs to VK music please thanks 🙏
ooh i'll get on that soon!
@@camovoca tysm
WOAHH this is so cool i love it gah,,
I dont have amything funny to say so have u started the cloning vid i sent
no i told u id start watching after i finished psoting the song!! bitch!!!!!